Jenet Erickson

10.20.2014
Thank you. Its such a pleasure and an honor to share this stage with scholars that I
have admired so much. Im grateful for Marks work and his standing as a witness,
and Im so grateful to be able to stand before you. I had an experience while I was a
fellow at the Heritage Foundation that has been very significant in my life. I had
read I had gone into in- depth study of the effects of the sexual revolution on
women and men, and the challenges that had come in family life and dating to
women in particular., and dating, and I was very sad about it, and I went in to meet
with my advisor who was Patrick Fagan at the Heritage Foundation and I just said,
Its been hard for me to read these things in-depth. And he with his hopeful
perspective said, Its such a gift to live at this time when we get to ask questions,
where were faced with questions that generations past never faced. B because we
get to see truths that we have never understood as well before. and tThats one of
the gifts I think of what I get to talk about today.
It feels to me like were at the beginning of understanding. We are at the very
beginning; were at the top of this remarkable structure of understanding the
complementarity, the unique contributions that mothers and fathers make to each
other and to the well-being and development of their children. Mark has highlighted
those; Ryan has mentioned some of those and I hope to share today more than
philosophy,; Ill be sharing a review of the research that we have to date that
illustrates that. . and yYou will have a better appreciation for the feelings you
experience as a mother and a father as you watch each other do things very
differently and cant understand why, theyre doing them that way, but appreciate
what ithese actions does that is so beneficial.
What we come to in the end is that mothers in fact do not father, as has been
stated already, and fathers do not mother. And well talk through why that happens.
Wwhen M. Azsim Seurmani set out in the late 1970s to create a new mammalian
life by combining two sets of a mothers genes or two sets of a fathers genes, and
mind you this is after he joined the labs there in England that had found success in
in vitro fertilization, we understood genetics to know that we could possiblyhad
y assumed that we could combine the genetic pattern of a mother .
Aand we could have a new life, because mothers and fathers share the same
genetics, the same coding. But in facthHe was very confident that he could do so;,
the development of IVF made it possible to combine two sets of a mothers genes,
and give the egg the correct number of chromosomes before implanting it into a
female to grow. But as science reporter Paul Raeburun describeds, everything that
was then known about genetics suggested that such an egg, even though all of its
genes came from females, should develop normally. But the eggs with only the

mothers genes could not survive. Similarly, when Suirani implanted two sets of a
fathers genes, the eggs could not survive.
His conclusion, described by Raeburun, was that mothers and fathers each
contributed something with their genes, that marked them, we couldnt see it, that
marked them as paternal or maternal in a way we couldnt see, and that both sets
of genes were essential to the survival of the fertilized egg.
These paternal and maternal genes appeared completely indistinguishable in every
way, yet expressed themselves differently depending on whether they came from
the mother or the father. Of the 20,000 human genes identified so far, only 100
have been found to carry special chemical imprints marking them as maternal or
paternalbut those 100 are critical for survival. The parallels for the development
of children in cognitive, social, emotional, biological well-being are really important.
There are a lot of ways that mothers and fathers look the same and can do the
same kinds of things. But the ways that mothers and fathersy distinguish
themselves are critical in important ways for the well-being and development of
those children.
Thats what Ive noted here. And that tThose differences reflect the genetically,
anatomically, and hormonally influenced predispositions based in gender. that we
cannot, hHowever much we might argue that its socially constructed, we cannot
escape these anatomical, physiological, hormonal differences. And that these
differences are expressed in orientations around parenting, in the strengths that are
brought to parenting, in the styles of interaction, and all of those are consistently
shown to be different according to gendered lines.
So what we come up with is that fathers and mothersone is not more important
than the otherbut each influence the same developmental pathways through
distinct process-based pathways. They influence the same domains through
different pathways that together in combination benefit childrens development in
significant and often complementary ways.
Now we might say, of course, that there are arguments that are they essential? We
know that children survive not growing up with a mother or a father and they may
come to thrive, as has been noted by the example of President Obama. as an
example. But we also know that they give advantages, that a mother and a father
give advantages that are very significant. And that we should not in fact hold up
and legally ordain as better or equal to something that is different than that natural
structure.
Im going to start by discussing the biological factors that seem to influence
mothers and fathers differently. Its a very interesting and growing body of research.
And of course uUsually these kinds of studies depend on other mammals to be able
to understand them well, but we are doing an increasingly number of studies with

mothers and fathers, humans, also. What we know about mothers is that as they
are carrying life, pregnancy, before birth, and after birth, they have tremendous
hormonal changes that happen. Some of the hormones that are most significant in
that change in those changes are hormones that invite or that predispose maternal
behavior. We might say they turn on maternal behavior. . Thats expressed, and
wWell talk a little bit about those hormones express themselves, but in terms of
behavior that helps bond. And that tThose behaviors, the hormone levels and the
bonding behaviors, are strongly related to infant stress- response patterns and
secure bonding. What we find out is that mothers levels, their hormone levels and
oxytocin and other hormone levels, parallel those of the infants. You watch the
infant change with the mother. Along with that, you see the infant experience stress
in a particular way based on the relationship that they have with that mother.
Just years ago there was new studies coming out when I was studying non-maternal
care, day care research showed that infants who spent their day in day care had an
increase in cortisol, which is the stress hormone,. tThey had an increase in cortisol
that across the day. Whereas infants who were in the care of their mothers
experienced a drop in cortisol levels as they spent time with their mother across the
day. The reason that was significant is because that we could see that over the long
term, children who spent an extensive amount of time in day care were at an
increased likelihood to have behavioral challenges, internalizing and externalizing
behavioral challenges, that possibly were related to those stress-related
experiences in infancy. And so you see that a mother in those bonding hormones
are very closely connected to how that child both bonds, their own level of bonding,
and how the or shey experiences stress and interprets it.
For fathers, guess what? Fathers also experience tremendous hormonal changes.
For a long time, it was recognized that testosterone dropped significantly when
fathers cared for their infants. But we also know that they experience changes in
hormone levels with other bonding hormones as well. They parallel the mothers. In
other words, across her pregnancy, if the father is in contact with that mother, his
bonding hormones parallel the changes that she is experiencing, both before,
during, and after that giving birth. But for the fathers, the difference is that they
needs to be physically and emotionally close to theis mother in order to experience
those same hormonal changes. Outside of her, iIf the distance emotionally is great
or if physically they are not in contact with the mother, they dont experience those
same hormones.
Now the reason those hormones are important is because both, for both the mother
and the father, they are oriented towards a particular responsiveness to that child .
Aand a connection to that child. These hormonesy invite an interaction with that
child. But whats remarkable is that the same hormones invite different behaviors in
fathers and mothers. So oxytocin in a mother increases the likelihood that she will
gaze at her child, positively express emotion, engage in motherese, (thats kind of

cooing with theat child, talking in a way that only mothers talk to babies), . Aand
affectionate touch, a lot of touch. Well, that same hormone in a father expresses
itself differently. He is more likely to use stimulating touch, thats tickling, aka
tickling, touching in certain ways, to change the position of the body, turn them
upside down, throw them up in the air, Aand to use an object to engage with them.,
those kinds of things. Mothers dont tend to do those, typically, . Wwhere fathers
tend to. And to use an object to engage with them. And sSo remarkably, we see the
same hormones express themselves differently whether they come from a mother
or a father. But both types of behaviors are both the for mothers and fathers is
oriented around connecting and bonding with that child, but in unique ways.
When my husband and I, as we studied these and Ive shared things with him that
research shows, were both like, Thats why you did that. I could not figure out
why he insisted on tickling this little child after we brought her home, what is the
deal? Mike leave her alone! Im just wanting to keep her close, and then to realize,
he cant help it. He really is biologically, physiologically primed to do that. And that
there must be something important about that even though its very different than
how I naturally respond.
Whats interesting about this whole, the way life comes to be inside the body of a
mother is that if we looked at it in an evolutionary perspective, that would of course
shape over time her orientation towards children, . Hher orientation, her style, her
way of interacting. So Bornstein, Marcike Bornstein, a very skilled child
development scholar would say, In almost all species and regions of the world,
across a wide diversity of subsistence activities and social ideologies, observational
studies indicate more maternal than paternal investment. It doesnt matter where
you are,; mothers are more invested in caregiving.
One study that I recently noted said that when they tracked how often mothers ,
how often they thought about their infants when theyre in the workplace or away
from that child. , iIt was 14 hours a day that they would think about at some point
think about that child. Fathers, seven7 hours. iIt wasnt that they werent thinking
about that child, but it was halfHALF as often. And so from an evolutionary
perspective Bornstein would go on to say, Conception and gestation mean a
different obligatory investment the fact that that life comes through a
mothers body and that she enables its life afterwards as well, means a
different obligatory investment, shaping a different psychology in how
and how much men and women invest indevote themselves to parenting.i
Mothers spontaneously engage their infants in observation., fFor example, they
engage their infants one to two times as frequently. tThey also provide routine care
three to four34 times as often. And this doesnt differ if the father identifies himself
as non-traditional or traditional;, if hes a stay at home dad and has primary
responsibility for the care of that child, its the same patterns we see in terms of

frequency of interaction and engagement with So that just gives you some
context physiologically for and we might say, evolutionarily for why mothers and
fathers seem to be different in terms of how they interact, . Aand the psychology
behind which they interact with children.
The second area and usually child developmentalists will focus on these domains,
so Ill just say wWeve talked about the biological sort of context in which mothers
and fathers parent, but then in terms of childrens development, we usually break it
up into social-emotional, which is social skills and the ability to understand ones
self and others;, and cognitive, brain skills, the language skills, those kind of things;,
and then sexual or identity formation. sSo Ill just talk about each of those three
domains, and how mothers and fathers seem to influence them and in different
ways.
First of all, mothers seem biologically primed by nature, the hormones, and the way
they are, to form a bond with this child that comes into the world. And we know as
has been referenced, Jason referenced how were coming to understand attachment
across the life course, but weve known for a long time that attachment and infants
attachment to the caregiver, which generally is the mother, and as Ive shown, she
is biologically predisposed to be enabled to do that well. It has profound effects on
the well-being of children. Scholars have called it a dizzying variety of outcomes,ii
including cognitive and language development, frustration tolerance, selfrecognition, behavior problems, relations with peers, friends, siblings, interactions
with unfamiliar adults, exploration of play, competence in classrooms, curiosity, ego
resilience, and math achievementeverything you can think of seems to be
connected at some level to the kind of quality of bonding a child has with those
caregivers, generally the mother.
In fact, these observable effects are some of the most robust in developmental
psychology. Youve heard of probably Bowlby who first came up with attachment
theory., and hHe had a theory based on his observation that young people who had
ruptured relationships with their mother in particular were more likely to develop
psychopathological behaviors in adulthood than others. sSo he went in to find out
whats going on., dDoes it have to do with this rupture in the relation with the
mother? aAnd sure enough, consistently it seemed to. And so wWhat happened as
he came up with this theory based on his observations, as Margaret Ainsworth,
another developmental psychologist, started to look at well what is it that enables a
child to have that secure attachment? What behaviors in the mother allow that
healthy attachment to form that seems to predict so many other things? And what
she determined was, a mothers ability to detect, interpret, and respond in a
positive non-intrusive way to a childs signals is central to secure attachment.
Finally, 2003, as Im going through study after study about day care, heres the
Nnational Iinstitute of Cchild Hhealth and Hhuman Ddevelopment concluding:
Maternal sensitivity is the strongest, most consistent predictor of her childs

cognitive, social, and emotional development.iii It means a whole lot. And whats
interesting is that as we look at mothers, we recognize they seem to have a unique
capacity,. tThis is more psychological research that looks at the brains
development,; we can see mothers seem to have this unique capacity to match
their infants intellectual and emotional state, to have a synchrony with that state,
and then to provide the right amount of stimulation needed for the brain to develop,
not too little, and not too much. Just the right amount.
And what this does is it affects the structures of the brain themselves, which then
affect all the other things. That we have noted. As Mark noted, women seem to be
uniquely attuned to emotions. People who are looking at evolutionary development
have said, Tthough women express all emotions other than anger stronger than
men, they are better able to regulate emotions than men. iv Sso they express
everything more strongly, and they also seem better able to regulate them, to
inhibit them at the right moments. This superior ability in both recognizing and
being attuned to emotions makes them uniquely able, then, to strengthen the
nurturing bonding thats necessary for that childs well-being. Across all stages of
development, doesnt matter how old children are, we see that mothers are the
preferred source of comfort for children.v They go to moms for comfort. iIts why
Ppresident Hinckley would say when the children called, they werent calling to talk
to him. They would say, Wheres mom? And which we all know in our family life,
we go to dads for different things. Mothers are much more likely to identify and
label emotions during caregiving. In fact, childrens ability to identify and label
emotions we can see is tracked to how mothers do that in their caregiving. Its a
hallmark trait that mothers definitely have or more consistently have with their
children, young men and young women across adolescence.
So then you might think, wWell then, what do fathers do then for social- emotional
development? We can see that this bonding pattern and responsiveness to
emotions and the nurturing that mothers seem to be adept at in unique ways, that
that clearly is important, but what we find out is that fathers also play a key role in
social- emotional development, and they influence that domain through different
processes that have then different effects.
This is Eggebeen, David Eggebeen, a father and scholar of a long time,
Cconcluding:
literally hundreds of studies over the past two decades, because we didnt study
fathering very much until then,
hHave consistently demonstrated that fathers have a measurable impact on
children. Studies show that infants are positively affected by the interactions
and care given by their fathersthe quality of parenting exhibited by the
father as well as the resources they bring to their family predict childrens
behavior problems, depression, self-esteem, and life-satisfaction. This

research further indicates that the influence of fathers extends into

adolescents and young adulthood. Adolescents and young adults both
function best with their fathers are engaged and involved in their lives.
Additional work demonstrates that fathers play an important role in helping
their children make the transition to adulthood. vi
In other words, fathers matter a lot across all the stages of development, beginning
in infancy.
It was Michael Lamb who went to study with Margaret Ainsworth, who had focused
so much on maternal sensitivity and mothers influence in that bonding process. He
went to her lab and he said, I know fathers., hHe had the idea, fathers also make
a difference. Aand they bond with children too. And what he found is that yes, a
fathers nurturing, his way of being responsive, his closeness to that child also
affects their security of attachment. And that expresses itself in the way children as
infants, interact with their environment. As children grow, the closeness and
involvement of their fathers strongly predicts depression, so it affects their feelings
of well-being and happiness within. And their externalizing behaviors, their
behaviors outside of that, in fact, closeness to fathers has been repeatedly tied to
the behaviors of adolescence in terms of anti-social or delinquent behaviors,
particularly with sons. And as Ryan noted earlier, fathers have a big impact. The
presence of a father seems to be a very important factor in boys likelihood of
engaging in delinquent or anti-social behaviors.
One of the reasons this might be is the way fathers and mothers tend to discipline is
different. And you all know this, but maybe it hasnt been highlighted before. I
certainly dont, and Ill describe some of that. Fathers intervene in terms of
discipline fewer, less often but with more firmness and predictability in
consequences,; in other words theyre much more rigid in terms of carrying out the
consequences whereas mother will be more flexible. Aabout how those
consequences are carried out. aAnd shell also intervene in behavior and
disciplining it more frequently. Children are more likely to comply with fathers'
requests and mandates. In fact, Kyle and Marsha Pruett have written about fathers
and mothers and the differences in parenting quite a bit. They Ssay, fFathers tend
to be more willing than mothers to confront their children and enforce discipline,
leaving their children with the impression that they in fact have more authority.vii
Ive said to mMike repeatedly, She does not respond to you the same way she
responds to me. She does not just do what I say. Its like she expects an argument;,
she needs an argument; she needs me to reason with her, and mothers do that
more,. tTheyre much more inclined to reason, to use language, and to draw on
their emotional connection as the source of their authority. So mothers will tend to
feel offended by a childs behavior not being appropriate because you have gone
against our relationship. Whereas fathers will be offended in the sense that you
have gone against my authority as a father.

Mothers seem what we find out is that mothers seem to facilitate foundational
identity formation, who I am as a human being, . Tthat I matter., wWhile fathers
orient their children to their relationships with others. And I can tell you right off, all
around our church community Mike would carry LaDawndon in this hold that I never
would have held her, and then to see it labeled, the football hold, and that fathers
do this., wWhy is he carrying her like that, right? Whereas mothers, we tend to have
a contact, to maximize contact, from the very beginning;, you hold them to you and
theyre right here underneath your neck, and that thats typical of mothers to hold
them that way., and aAs soon as you pass him off to dad, hes either got thehim up
above his shoulder looking out, or hes got them in this football hold where theyre
looking at the world the way he is, almost like its innate to orient children to the
outside world for him, and for her to close in on the formation of their identity
within.
Interestingly, fathers involvement with their children, is the most significant, these
are two studies, that were follow-up studies, longitudinal studies, that his
involvement with his children as they were growing up was the most significant
predictor of their empathy as adults. Now you think mothers feed that, but what we
find out is that fathers, their closeness seems to be significant in that fostering of
empathy. And secondly it was the most significant predictor of their marital quality
and the quality of their extramarital relationships. In other words, fathers in terms of
social-emotional development, seem to be strongly related,; their involvement
predicts the relational capacities of their children.
And one of the most important ways that this happened is through play, ironically
enough. Fathers play matters a lot particularly in terms of how it seems to develop
their social-motional capacities
Wwith others.
They consistently participate less than mothers in caregiving activities but they
spend a much greater percentage of the time engaging in play with their children..
Aross Parke, who studied this a lot, will say play is everything.viii In terms of
fathers, play is everything in their relationship with their children. So Ive just listed
a few studies, but what comes out repeatedly is that the way a father plays with his
child in terms of the positive emotions expressed, the way he allows them to also
take charge in the play, have much better social-peer ratings. Theyre more popular;
they do better with their peers; they seem to understand social norming patterns
better. Right out of BYU, this third study that looked at, (in fact, probably one of the
authors is here), that looked at childrens play and their interactions with their
fathers, found out that this is internationally:, fathers that are less coercive and
showed more responsiveness in patience and playfulness had children who were
less aggressive with their peers. And then we see them be more popular, more
competent as well in studies.

Rough housing with dad, this is from the Health and Human Services report in 2006
from the administration, rough housing with dad appears to teach children how to
deal with aggressive impulses and physical contact without losing control of their
emotions.ix So as Ryan talked about, they learn not to bite and scratch and all of
those things while still having a physically engaging play. And what seems to
happen is they learn how to control their own emotions and they also learn the rules
of social behavior that are appropriate through that play.
Now lets move on to cognitive development. As weve noted about attachment, it
has an important impact in all kinds of areas, and cognitive development is that
second key area where a mothers attachment with that child, the way she interacts
affects their brain and their capacities cognitively. Her ability to be mutually
responsive in their interactions, in other words to match the infants emotional state
and to respond appropriately without being too controlling but responsive at the
same time, affects IQ development, shared attention, referential communication.,
iIn other words the way we can talk about ourself and others, social learning,
language, memory, and theory of mind, meaning that they use a place in their own
mind for the thoughts and feelings of another. Those responsive interactions that
mothers seem naturally adept at are really key to that.
In fact, what we find out with cognitive development is that it depends on two key
factors. First, the foundation as an emotional sensitivity, that its feelings. Its like
childrens feelings develop first through feelings of closeness and feelings of
connection, feeling that they matter and that they are safe, and then the brains
capacities can develop. And mothers seem to be particularly adept at both of those:
emotionally sensitive and cognitively stimulating. Mothers are much more likely to
engage in teaching interactions; where fathers are more likely to engage in play,,
mothers are more likely to engage in teaching. We know that when they pick up an
object, for example, a mother will draw attention to an object, that the childs
looking at, talk about its color, its shapeand the father pokes the child with it, not
at all concerned with figuring out what it is and how it should be played with,. and
tThe mother is more inclined to be talking about it, teaching about it, using it for a
teaching moment. Mothers are also more verbal in their interactions. We know
verbal language matters a lot for development. Youve probably heard that study
the 30 mMillion wWord Ggap, wherewith children from low income families what
we find out is by age three,3 the language that they use is 90% the same language
that their parents use and their vocabulary is 90% from their parents. x And that the
amount of words that they have heard is really important for their developing
cognitive capacities as they enter school. So children who come from higher income
families, more educated mothers, usually, will have heard 30 million more words
than their counterparts who come from less educated mothers, low income families,
by age four. And what a tremendous difference that makes in terms of their
preparation for school, ability to understand language, to read, all of the things,
even mathematical skills.

So then you might wonder, wWell, what do dads do for cognitive development?
This is one of the areas I think is so powerful., Wwhat we find out about fathers is
they matter for development cognitively. And Ill use cognitively loosely, because
fathers influence a whole psychological orientation to the world that children
develop. Their way of approaching the world is influenced by fathers and hence
their achievement educationally is very closely related to fathers. We know for
example that responsive and involved fathering predicts better verbal skills,
intellectual functioning, academic achievement., tThats sort of a summary. When
we look down it, fathers, in this helping children develop emotional control, helps
them develop the skills they need as they enter school because it requires patience.
tThey have to manage their stress responses, and all the things theyre required to
attend;, fathers matter a lot for that. It might help explain why we have such an
increase in ADHD and other problems where we dont have fathers helping children
develop those capacities of emotional control. Theyre also a key influence in
expressive vocabulary. Mothers tend to adapt or adjust the vocabulary they use to
meet the level of that child. And Ive watched this happen with Mike and me. Why
are you using the word arbitrary, Mmike,? sShes four?! But fathers have this way
of using, carrying on, using whatever vocab theyve been using at the law firm with
those children. aAnd what happens is those children start to pick up on those words
and so their expressive vocabulary is more an expression of what theyve heard
from their fathers, the unique language theyve heard from their fathers, than from
their mothers. Which is also really important, of course, for cognitive development.
And then fathers, this is very recent research, but consistent with previous research,
closest to fathers is a really important predictor of whether or not a child graduates
from high school or college,. iIn fact, Brad Wilcox said he found that just being close
to dad, or very close to dad predicted 98105% greater likelihood of graduating
from college. And so that might help us understand, some at least, of the growing
gap between men and women in terms of academic and educational achievement.
Fathers matter; if theyre not there, it influences the likelihood of their sons
graduating from college.
Why do they matter so much? We might say it seems like dads provide advice, ;
they help with homework;, that could be a factor. They monitor and guide behaviors
that keep children from things that would make them less likely to succeed in
school. They foster an authoritative environment, this idea that there are
expectations . Aand were going tona do our homework and those kinds of things
that are essential for doing well. By this unique combination of engagement and
affection and supervision, they also provide financial support that ends up being
very important. We might dismiss that fathers are key part of the economic wellbeing of their children, but they are. No question, mothers can earn an income. But
in married households mothers and fathers with their children, fathers are much
more likely to be the primary breadwinner, and that matters a lot for childrens wellbeing academically.

And while mothers could do all of these things, what we see is that the distinctive
style of fathers seems to be especially valuable in the way they give advice and
homework. In the way they create an authoritative environment, in the way they
supervise and monitor. They do it differently than mothers, and that seems to
matter for educational achievement. The other neat area about this is how fathers
seem to shape the psychological orientation of their children towards the world
around them. Fathers, the relationship with fathers, tends to be an arousing kind of
relationship., eExcitement, you never know if youre goingna to get pinched or
poked or tickled or whatever by dad, right? And that seems to be what we might call
an activation relationship that opens them to the world.
Secondly, fathers encourage risk taking. Theyre much more likely to push children
than mothers are in terms of doing things that are risky. You can climb higher, go
higher, go higher, and shes saying No! Get down! Dont climb that tree. But hes
encouraging them within a safe, while ensuring security, Ill catch you, but climb
higher. They focus on children doing things independently. Its interesting, research
on stay-at-home dads, Andrea Doucset in her research would watch dads lunch
time, stay -at -home dads, hed say, Ggo fix your own peanut butter sandwich. You
know where the peanut butter is. The mother, Wwhat can I get you? Cheese?
What do you want on this sandwich? and putting it right in front of them and
cutting it, How did you want it cut? What did you want on it, smiley faces? Right?
Dads: Ddo it yourself. aAnd at first where it seemed to her as this disengagement,
like, whats wrong with him, doesnt he care? She could see nurturing is both
holding close and letting go;, it requires both. Children have to develop both;, they
have to experience both in order to become healthy, functioning adults. And fathers
seem particularly adept at that gift of letting go of encouraging independence. You
can put your own coat on; you can put your own backpack on and do those things
yourself. They are also more likely to facilitate children finding their own solutions to
emotional problems. They come in, Dad this horrible thing happened to me at
school these girls were mean to me. What can you do about it? Mothers are there
comforting, Hhow awful! Maybe I should call her mother. And fathers are much
more inclined towards, You can fix this, what can you do? Strengthening
independence.
Finally, dads will stay back behind and say, Yyou can do it, you can do it, without
engaging in helping solve that problem. Both are important. In other words, fathers
are more cognitively demanding, discussions during adolescence, fathers are more
demanding in terms of what their children are explaining. Well what do you mean?
Who said that? Right? And mothers might be more fostering of nurturing and oh
yes, important. Both are really, really valuable. So where fathers often push
achievement, mothers stress nurturing, both of which are important to healthy
development. As a result, children who grow up with involved fathers are more
comfortable exploring the world around them and more likely to exhibit self-control
and pro-social behaviors. xi(DHHS 2006)

Finally, this area of psychological capacities and sexual development. So weve

talked about social-emotional development and cognitive development and then
psychological capacities. This has been referenced, but I dont think we appreciate
enough how important it is psychologically, cognitively, emotionally, for children to
experience two different ways. Two different types, two different voices, sizes, very
different people. And this is from Rob Palkovitz, a great fathering scholar who has
concluded that Cchildren benefit from discrimination learning in the positive
sense, the formulation of and analyses of differences, as they experience the
psychological and physical differences between their two parents. Experiencing
parental differences affords children the opportunity to develop nuanced
understandings of individual differences in personality as well as gender, enhancing
social cognition as well as resulting in more advanced cognitive functioning. xii
(2012)
Another scholar whos done quite a lot of this work in France; this has been
repeatedly found. Tthere is considerable evidence that the family structure that is
most favorable to the socioaffective development of young children is one in
which parents reflect the different styles, voices, histories, and connections of
distinct maternal and paternal patterns. Its not popular today to talk about
mothers looking from fathers. But when we look at how children do, they benefit
from strong distinctions between their mothers and fathers. More differentiation,
Paquette concludes, facilitates healthy social-emotional development. xiii
(Paquette) Important to think about. Part of that difference is tied to sexual identity
formation because all of us come from a man and a woman. Inherent to us is both
genders in a sense. We are made up of both genders, which would help us explain
why these findings from 30 really renowned scholars in this report Hardwired to
Connect, thats been significant in the dialogue about attachment and the
importance of children connecting to mothers and fathers, confirmed that at about
1824 months a child begins to show a deep need to understand and make sense of
his or her sexual embodiment.xiv
Who am I? Im a boy, in reference to my mother or Im a girl, in reference to my
father.
A childs relationship to mother and father becomes centrally important. A
relationship with both, the two genders from which they inherently came becomes
important. And both the same sex as me parent and the opposite sex from me
parent play vital roles.
Its interesting, I just wanted to share one interesting study, conclusions from
psychologist Barbara IEisold., sShe provides deep insight into the yearnings
children have to experience both genders in order to make sense of themselves.
This comes from her report Recreating Mother. IEisold describes a 4four and a half

year old son of two fathers who is receiving psychotherapy to deal with the
unmourned loss of Mmommy, his first babysitter who had been fired when he was
2two and a half years old. In his yearning to experience mMommy, he fantasized
about buying a new mother, ultimately creating his own mother figure, as she
seemed essential to his ability to discover what it meant to become a boy and a
man. His therapist described how this struggle related to his understanding of
himself, Nick was often beside himself with anxiety. He wanted desperately to be
liked by other children and by his teacher. He had trouble waiting and was not
certain what would make him likable. In her analysis of this boys experience,
EiIsold poignantly asks,
How do we explain why this child, the son of a male couple, seemed to need
to construct a woman, mother,. Wwith whom he could play the role of being a
boy, becoming a man. How did such an idea enter his mind? What inspired
his intensity on this subject? Natural developmental forces seem to demand
that this child psychologically reconstruct mommy in order to make sense of
his own identity and wholeness as an individual. xv
Just this last year the New York Times posted a very interesting post from Frank
Ligbvoeoat who is a gay father married to his partner, describing the experience of
his seven- year-old daughter. He says this, Sometimes when my daughter who is
7seven is nicely cuddled up in her bed and I snuggle her, and mind you, Ffrank is
the stay at home father of this daughter,
She calls me Mommy. Im a stay- at -home dad., mMy male partner and I
adopted both of our children at birth in open, domestic adoptions. We could
fill our home with nannies, sisters, grandmothers, female friends, but no
mothers. My daughter says Mmommy in a funny voice, in a high pitched
sound. Although I refer the honors immediately to her birth mom, I am
flattered,. bBut saddened as well. Because she expresses herself in a voice
that is not her own. It is her stuffed animal voice. She expresses not only
love, she also expresses alienation. She can role play the mother-daughter
relationship, but she cannot use her own voice, her own real voice, nor have
the real thing.xvi
Observing that his daughters natural longings for a mother are ever-present, he
concludes, Motherless parenting is a misnomer. Even when she is not physically
there, she isa. As we know from many accounts of adult adoptees, still present
in dreams, fantasies, longings and worries. This child cannot escape the need to
know and connect with this mother. As children and we know much about that with
fathers as well.
This is already been referenced, but as part of the sexual identity, its long been
understood, (as has been referenced by Ryan), that girls who are not reared by their
fathers are much more likely to engage in sexual relations at an early age and

become pregnant as teenagers. An absent father, in fact, is the single greatest risk
factor in teen pregnancy for girls. Physical, and aAll this research together, very
interesting, but what they will conclude is that physical and emotional closeness to
fathers seems to set the reproductive strategy girls use throughout their lives. So
when you watch an adolescent girl whos been without her father, start to engage
in, youre wondering, wWhere did this behavior come from? Why are you so
attuned to trying to get this boy to like you and to be sexually involved with you?
Iits as if their cognition is set without them even being aware. Their psychological
orientation is set that way.
Girls who spent more time, this is interesting to look at when we try to understand
whats happening physiologically,. Bruce Ellis, who has been one of the most
important scholars of this out of Arizona did a study where he looked at an older
sister and a younger sister, and the older sister had of course spent more time with
the father before the divorce happened than the younger sister. So he could do this
kind of effective study where hes comparing apples to apples, in a sense.
Girls who spent more time without fathers in their homes had an onset of puberty
11 months earlier than their older sisters who had spent more time with their
fathers in the home.xvii Like, pPhysiologically, their bodies responded to the fact that
they werent growing up with their fathers. And having another male introduced into
the home, youve probably heard some about pheromone studies, the idea is, the
question is , well what invites this onset of puberty so much earlier? Whats
happening physiologically? Isnt all of that already set by genetics? How could that
be changed by the environment in that way? Some would argue, there are
pheromones emitted by all of us to one another and a non-father male figure in the
home is emitting pheromones that invite a physiological response outr of that girl, .
Aand that shapes her sexual trajectory and developmental patterns.
Girls whose father left home before they were six years of age, so younger girls are
more likely to be negatively affected, were six times more likely to become
pregnant as teenagers, compared to girls who are reared by their biological fathers
for longer periods. Brad Wilcox in looking at this research will conclude: Girls raised
in homes with their fathers are more likely to receive the attention, affection, and
modeling that they need from their own fathers to rebuff teenage boys and young
men who do not have their best interests at heart. xviii (Wilcox 2012)
And as Ryan said, they understand how a boy is feeling., tTheyve been a boy
themselves, so they act differently in terms of protecting their children and
modeling for their daughters what a man should be like to them.
But what about boys sexual identity? Equally important. Without the closeness
and modeling of a father, and this is David Popenoe who has been cited here
earlier today, boys appear to engage in compensatory masculinity, rejecting
and denigrating anything feminine while seeking to prove masculinity through

violent and aggressive domination.xix (Popenoe, 1996) In other words, they seem to
maladjust in terms of what it means to be male.
Boys who are raised in homes with their fathers are more likely to acquire the
sense of self-worth and self-control that allows them to steer clear of delinquent
behaviors and peers and trouble with the law including in their sexual behaviors.
xx
(Wilcox, 2012) and iInterestingly enough, Bruce Ellis was asked, as hed seen so
much of this effect of fathers on girls, he was asked, well wWhat does it mean for
boys? What do you think it means for boys? in terms of their development of
masculinity. He said, I dont know, but I think it would affect a boys achievement,
his orientation towards achievement, his sense of competitiveness. And that boys
who grow up without fathers wouldnt develop that same sense of masculinity. An
interesting observation given the issues that we have with this growing gap of
success between boys and girls and academic achievement, that boys without
fathers wouldnt develop that masculinity, that sense of self-control, discipline, and
achievement that would allow them to achieve those things.
We know that mothers are key to infant survival, but fathers are key to protection
from danger and opportunities to thrive. By simply sticking around, ordinary dads
play an important role in protecting their children from physical, sexual, and
emotional abuse.xxi (Wilcox, 2012). The data on this is staggering. Its as if fathers
, Brad Wilcox also saysing, Fathers play an important role in ensuring the safety
of their children, both by monitoring their childrens activities by checking when
they come and go,. wWhere have you been? Who have you been with? That makes
those children accountable in a unique way and protects them. And also, the father
signals to others that he will not tolerate harm to his own. When we look at
victims of abuse, sexual, physical, they are much more likely to not have a father
there, present in their lives as a protection. By dint of their size, strength, or
aggressive public presence, [fathers] appear to be more successful in keeping
predators and bad peer influences away from their sons and daughters.xxii (Wilcox,
2012)
This CDC report from 2014 found that 70% of children living with both their
biological parents never experienced adverse childhood events, while 78% of those
living with just one biological parent had experienced at least one adverse event.
And 80% of those living without either biological parent. xxiii I think this conclusion
Some men do pose a threat of children, but other men are more likely to protect
both their wives and their children: married biological fathers. Children raised in a
home with their married fathers are markedly less likely to be abused or assaulted
than children living without their own father. xxiv (Wilson and Fretwell 2014). In fact,
the most dangerous place is children growing up with a non-biological father,
boyfriend, whatever in the home.

Ill just conclude with this, Andrew Douscets conclusion at the end of her extensive
research into do men mother? She set out, I think, with the conclusion that they
do, that a stay-at-home dad who spends a lot of time with his children will do the
same things as that mother does and in the same way. She concluded, and the title
of her book is Men Ddont mMother.
This is a story she shares: After a long evening discussing their experiences as
single dads, Doucset asked a group of sole-custody fathers, in an ideal world, what
resources or supports would you like to see for single fathers? She expected to
hear that they wanted greater social support and societal acceptance, more
programs and policies directed at single dads. Instead, after a period of awkward
silence, one dad stood and said, An ideal world would be one with a mother and a
father. Wed be lying if we pretended that wasnt true. Nods of agreement followed
by expressions of approval from the other dads. Although many of these fathers had
had bitter experiences of separation and divorce, they could not deny or ignore the
inherent connectedness of mothering and fathering and the profound deficit
experienced when one or the other is not there. They knew it because they had
lived it.
That experience complements Azim Suranis ZEIM SERAMIs experience trying to
create new mammalian life with just a mothers genes or just a fathers genes. It
was not possible. Both were needed to best facilitate the nurturing of that life. And
what an exciting time when we get to understand that so much better than people
in generations past have. An appreciation for this natural design where children
have a mother and a father who both gave them life, and who then enable their
best development and growth when they are involved with them.
Thank you.

(3:35:52)

i Borenstein, Marc. Bornstein, M. H. (2012). Parenting x gender x culture x time. In W. B.

Wilcox, & K. K. Kline (Eds.), Gender and Parenthood, edited by W. B. Wilcox, & K. K. Kline.
(Eds. (pp. 91-119). New York: Columbia University Press, 2012. 91119.

ii (Bjorklund & Jordan, 2012, p. 71). Bjorklund, D. F., and Jordan, A. C. Jordan. (2012). Human
parenting from an evolutionary perspective." In Gender and Parenthood, edited by W. B. Wilcox, &
K. K. Kline. New York: Columbia University Press, 2012. 71.In W. B. Wilcox, & K. K. Kline (Eds.),
Gender and Parenthood (pp. 61-90). New York: Columbia University Press.

iii NICHD Early Child Care Research Network. Does amount of time spent in child care predict
social-emotional adjustment during the transition to kindergarten? Child Development 74.4,
2003a. 9761005.

iv Bjorklund & Jordan (2012,, 2012. p. 68)

v Parke, 2012, p. 123 Parke, R. D. (2012). Gender differences and similarities in parental
behavior In Gender and Parenthood, edited by W. B. Wilcox, & K. K. Kline. New York: Columbia
University Press, 2012. . In W. B. Wilcox, & K. K. Kline (Eds.), Gender and Parenthood (pp. 120163). New York: Columbia University Press.123

vi David Eggebeen (2012, p. 249) Eggebeen, D. J. (2012).avid J. Do fathers matter for

adolescent well-being? In Gender and Parenthood, edited by W. B. Wilcox, & K. K. Kline. New York:
Columbia University Press, 2012.In W. B. Wilcox, & K. K. Kline (Eds.), Gender and Parenthood
(pp. 249-270). New York: Columbia University Press 249.

vii Pruett, Kyle and Marsha Kline Pruett. Partnership Parenting: How Men and Women Parent
Differentlywhy it Helps Your Kids and Can Stregnthen Your Marriage. Cambridge: Da Capo Press,
2009.

viii (Parke, 2012), 2012..

ix Rosenburg, J. and W.B. Wilcox. U. S. Department of Health and Human Services: Child Welfare
Information Gateway (2006). The importance of fathers in the healthy development of children.
U. S. Department of Health and Human Services: Child Welfare Information Gateway By
Rosenberg, J., and Wilcox, 2006.

x Hart, Betty and Todd R. Risley. The Early Catastrophe: The Thirty Million Word Gap by age 3.
American Educator 4.9, 1995.

xi (DHHS, 2006.)

xii (Palkovitz, 2012, p. 229). Palkovitz, Rob. (2012). Gendered parentings implications for
childrens well-being: Theory and research in applied perspective. In Gender and Parenthood,
edited by W. B. Wilcox, & K. K. Kline. New York: Columbia University Press, 2012. . . In W. B.
Wilcox, & K. K. Kline (Eds.), Gender and Parenthood (pp. 215-248). New York: Columbia
University Press.229.

xiii Paquette, qtd. In Palkovitz 229. Paquette, D. (2004). Theorizing the father-child relationship:
Mechanisms and developmental outcomes. Human Development, 47, 2004. 193-219.

xiv In 2003, a distinguished group of 33 neuroscientists, pediatricians, and social scientists

comprising the Commission on Children at Risk (2003) Commission on Children at Risk. (2003).
Hardwired to connect: The new scientific case for authoritative communities. New York:
Institute for American Values, 2003..

xv Eisold, Barbara K. Recreating mother: The consolidation of heterosexual gender

identification in the young son of homosexual men. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry
68.3, 1998. 433442.

xvi Ligtvoet, Frank. The misnomer of motherless parenting. New York Times, June 22, 2013.
Retrieved August 29, 2014 from
http://www.nytimes.com/2013/06/23/opinion/sunday/the-misnomer-of-motherlessparenting.html?_r=0.

xvii (Ellis & Tither, 2008).Ellis, B.ruce J., Bates, J. E. Bates, K.A. Dodge, K. A., D.M. Fergusson, D.
M.,J.L. Horwood, J. L., G.S. Pettit, G. S., and L. Woodward, L. (2003). . Does father absence place
daughters at special risk for early sexual activity and teenage pregnancy? Child Development,
74.(3), 2003. 801-821.

xviii (Wilcox 2012) Wilcox, W. Brad. (2012). Are dads really disposable? Deseret News, June
14, 2012. Retrieved September 29, 2014 from
http://www.deseretnews.com/article/865557457/Fathers-Day-Are-dads-reallydisposable.html?pg=all

xix (Popenoe, 1996)Popenoe, David. (1996). Life without father: Compelling new evidence
that fatherhood and marriage are indispensable for the good of children and society.
New York: Martin Kessler Books, 1996..

xx Wilcox, W. B. (2012). Are dads really disposable? Deseret News, June 14, 2012.
Retrieved September 29, 2014 from
http://www.deseretnews.com/article/865557457/Fathers-Day-Are-dads-reallydisposable.html?pg=allWilcox, 2014.

xxi (Wilcox, 2012).Ibid.

xxii (Wilcox, 2012). Ibid.

xxiii Center for Disease Control (2014) report on the National Survey of Childrens Health for 2011
2012. Center for Disease Control. (2014). Children in nonparental care: Findings from
the 2011-2012 National Survey of Childrens Health. ASPE Research Brief, March,
2014. Retrieved September 29, 2014 from
http://aspe.hhs.gov/hsp/14/ChildrenNonparentalCare/rb_nonparentalcare.pdf .

xxiv (Wilson and FretwellWilcox and Wilson 2014).Wilcox, W. Brad., and R.F. Wilson, R. F. (2014).
One way to end violence against women. Married dads. Washington Post, June 10, 2014.
Retrieved September 30, 2014 from
http://www.washingtonpost.com/posteverything/wp/2014/06/10/the-best-way-to-endviolence-against-women-stop-taking-lovers-and-get-married/.