SECTION 3 ‘CREATING AND SUSTAINING YOUR RELATIONSHIPS ‘quran, Designing Your Open Relationship 17 Seroyal eats Rep dan Apron Rapidiesy haere 158. uranJealousy and Other IotenseFesings ‘ep nye omg Ba pg Mf anita 173 ures Compersion 18 urn Common Challenges and Problems 9 eae oT Ngee ronan Agere ao soule 203 cures Opening Up Api When Something Changs Loca items es Renmenpienrts Nor: ‘on Piney oorgane poy ge 227 urs 6 Coming Out (of Nod, Fading Community, Creating scent fin On-air {er cee Ou i Coa Nes ack oa newes 2 Ged etn ie -Vie Co ee 1 263 grr Safer Sex and Sena Hea SoS Sey ttt cens Curran Legal and Praca es 2 gna Once egy Lp ute 295 Gurren The Fut of Relaonshipe [APPENDIXES. 301 Notee 311 Resource Guide ‘Sat anes nd wt CLT/Qute oc a egal Orton + ‘isn rmaton “One muy nd: Pu end eles ‘ee noo -Spey ee 2337 About the Interviewees 165. About the Author Introduction Opening Up to the Possibilities: Challenging Monogamy and Revolutionizing Relationships MY LIFES WORK for more than a decade has been dedicated to ‘educating and empowering people around their sexualty, | write shout sex, teach workshops and lecture about se, 1 answer peoples ‘questions about sex, I demonstrate techniques for sex, I make sex- Pestve movies, and I produce sex evens, Because of my work snd my ‘neverending interest inal things sexual, have witnessed and indulged ‘ina wide varity of sexual experiences and mt people from all walks fli. tve met people who are sraight, queer, bi, vanilla, kinky, and 4st plain horny. Ive made fends with lexhefok, swinger, gender- ‘queers, sex workers, polyamorous peopl, Tantra practitioners, Pagans, and sex radial, ‘The fist time I saw someone have se right infront of me, Iwas ‘mesmerized, awesirck, trmed on It wat relly cool. The 40h ime, it sul cool, but is diferent. | found mysif less imerested in the surface of what Iwas steing—how he licks her, he nolss she makes‘when she fucks he, the way he looks when she plays with his ass, ‘what he says when he talks dirty to hi, and on and on, Instead, Iwas much more fcinated by who the people are. Are they a couple? How long have they been together? What made them decide 1 come to this sex event? What do they ke about having public ex? Who is that other woman I often see making out with them both? Do they Ihave sex with other people? 1 want to know what the context is for what Lam watching I want wo know about the inner workings oftheir ‘elaonship, ‘And twas no wonder. ASI got to know these people, | discov- re that thet telaionships were aloe more iiuing, complex, and ‘ranspessive than their ex ves (and their ex lives were pretty ama {ng}. In don to sharp communication skills and a creative sense of ‘deny, they all appeared to have one thing in common: they were all {in nonmonogamous relationships. And they found a way to make ‘thote relationships work so well hat they exuded an above-average level of sexual and emotional sasaction—something that in my expe- rience and observation sens to elude alt of people. So, wondered, jut how do they do i? ‘The Decline of Marriage and Monogamy Mos ofthe worlds peoples, throughout history and around the lobe, have aranged things 50 that marriage and sexual exli- sity arent the same thing. The Myth of Monogamy? WS no secret that tational monogamous marge in America in| serious trouble and hasbeen fr quite awhile. The model ofthe ty- achome wife and the husband assole breadwinner began to change during the Industral Revolution; it shifted siguifcanly when women ‘entered the workfore in record numibers during World War Il. Once ‘women began working outside the home, earning their own monty (albeit ess money forthe same work), exploring eduction and caret ‘opportunites, gender roles shied and marrage changed. in the 1950s there wasarief return to more traditional coupling: 96 percent of people of childbearing age were married, and they got matied ata younger age. This period in what call Leave lt to Beaver Land” didnt las for very long. The 1960s brought the sexual revolution, pat of a counterculture movement among young people that openly ques- Uoned prevailing norms about sex and gender. Through writing, ‘activist groups, and public demonstrations, men and wornen critiqued the Vietnam War, capitalism, andthe nuclear family. They promoted ‘sexual lberation and “fre love" over monogamy and marrage. Along ‘with this change in cultural ideas and social norms came a decline in ‘marrage rate, an increase in divorce rte, and a decease in the ‘number of children people had” “The activism ofthe siaties gave birth to the womens movement, ‘which mobilized women and men to challenge gender role, stereo. ‘yprs, and inequality. Access to bi contol and legalized abortion ‘meant women could tke charge of their reproductive choles and ‘have sex for pleasure, no just for procreation. Feminis critiqued and rejected mariage as patriarchal insimuion. In 1970, the marvage ‘ate briefly increased, but divorce rats showed a szable increase, to: 1149 pe 1,000 maried women age 15 nd older, up from 9.2 in 1960. By 1975, the marriage rate began to decline agnin and divorce rates comtinved to se" The Seventies seo saw a burst of academic work on ‘swingers and altemative relationships and the publication of over a dozen books on those subjects. The Stonewall Rios of 1969 jump- saned the gay and lesbian civil rights movement, giving traditional mariage and nucarfamiles yet another deracor: queer people. ln the eighties, mariage rates continued to drop. Fart of the decline was blamed on the ise of another form of coupling: unmarried beterosenual couples who lived together (and were given the decidedly lunsexy moniker “chabitton"). 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Burdens jus, age aENgRS HP OF ‘tousnouayd eo pouodt erm a S06] 220 IO, ‘op ay pay 0 panaunoop se woo sey Aon JANN =OC6E fa a eope> an Ar v0 wag Buus ap cm asap Anis Vm wey =p YBooskn pomumen Apeseddns(Open Marriage tn 1972, when most discussions about nonmanogamy concerned swinging. Nena and George O'Neil proposed anew relationship mode that could include nonmonogamy. Their book Open Marriage: A New Life Se for Coupes, bazed on interviews they conducted as wel 5 thelr own personal philosophies, sold over 1.5 milion copies. The (Oeil summarized their vision fr an open mariage: ‘Open marrage thus canbe defined as. lationship in which the partners are commited to their own and to each others growth It san honest snd open relationship of intimacy and sell-isclosune bazed on the equal freedom and identity of both panners. Supportive caring and increasing security in indivi denies make possible the sharing of e-growth witha meaningful other who encourages and anllpacs his ‘own and hs mates grownh, Ii telationship that is exi- ‘le enough to allow for change and that is constanly being renegotiated in the light of changing needs, consensus in decision-making acceptance and encouragement of individ- tual growth, and openness to new possibilities for growin’ Employing some ofthe trends ofthe slP-help movement of the time, the Oeil put forth a new concept of mariage where spouses reecied igi oes, emphasized open and honest communication and pursued freedom. They envisioned open marriage asa tool for per- onal gowrh (as evidenced by their we ofthe word growth ive times in the brief description above. Alter the book was published, the ‘ONeill atempted to deemphasze the isue of sexual nonmenogsmy, yet the term ope marrage became synonymous with a sexaly open Multilateral Marriage 11973, husband and wile Lary and Joan Constnine coined the term smultateral marriage in their groundbreaking book Group Marriage: A Study of Contemporary Multateral Marriage. Spured by thet own ‘experience and interest in group marvage, the Constantines decided to begin a study of people in group marriages. Without conventional credentials—they were not sociologists or therapists, though Lary Constantine was cudying for « Certlicate in Family Therapy atthe Boston Family Instiuute—they set ou o locate people ving in group marriages and conduct detailed interviews with them by mail and in person. They found subjects through underground neworks,han-to- find suppor groups, and word of mouth, and as their study got under way, subjects began contacting them. For three years, they mailed lmerviews to people and traveled around the country to interview them in person, diving 32,000 miles in their Volkswagen Squareback ‘wih a erin tow In total, there were 106 parcpans in the study “The Constantines defined mululatral mariage a reatonship that ‘consists of tree or more parners, each of whom considers himell/ herself to be marie,” intending to distinguish from the term group mariage, which referred to a four person marrage between two men, and two women” They were among the fist (if not the firs) we the terms come and cohusbard to describe the elainships between part- ‘ners within a mulilatra marrige. 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In other words, ifyou are emotionally and physically intimate with more than ‘one person, t somehow “dues” the inimacy ofeach realonshp, ‘Thieig based on the notion that love isa quanfiable thing: If you have 100 pounds of lve, you can give 100 pounds to your partner, but if youshave muliple partners, you have to spit he 100 pounds between ‘them. Intimacy is about being willing tobe open, honest, and vulner- able with your pacer and bonding on deep level. Monogamy does not automaticaly foster intimacy in relationship, any more than non ‘monogamy fortes a lac of iuimacy. Furthermore, nonmonogamous relationships often involve the same level of commitment as monoga ‘mous ones. People in nonmonogamous elationships are not avoiding fvimacy or commitment, hey are cukvating a relationship style that ‘meets ther needs and works for dhem. If you're nonmonogamous, its because you are confused and Indecsve. “This myth goes along withthe previous one, the ides that nonmonog- ‘mous people cannot commit io.one person or choose between them. IS qte the opposite: most nonmonogamous people are very clear about why they choose nonmenogamy and what they want and ned out of their eltonsipe, And ih not that they cant choose between pares, {85 that they dont wan o and believe strongly tha they dant have to, Polyamary is ast fany term for promiscuity. “While a polyamorous przon may have several lovers, pojamory tet simpy all bout sex. Plyamorous relationships may encompass frendship, companionship, spon, camaraderie, lve, inimacy. ‘connection, commitment. All that said, having an active sex fe with ‘more than one person st a bad ching "Nonmonogamy is physically dangerous; you're more likely to get diseases because you have multiple partners. Having multiple sexual partners atthe same dime does not automa cally put you at greater isk for sexually transite infections (ST). Having unproteced sex with an individual infected with an STI or an individual whose STI satus you do not know puts you at grater vse forcontacingan STL Therein evidence that nonmonogamous people have a higher mte of STIs than monogamous people. Funhermore, ‘every person | interviewed cited safer sex as one of the main rules of their open relationships, [Nonmonogamy is no diferent from cheating, (Cheating involves lying deception, and breaking 2 commitment pre viously made. For nonmonogamy to be succesful, everyone must tell the rth and respect the rules agred upon. Consens nonmonogamy ‘means tha al parties involved have agreed to the arrangement Polyamory isan unhealthy environment in which to raise kids. (Children need aren and other adults in their ives who ate commit- ted to raising them wth love, suppor, respect, and understanding Although conservatives wane us to believe that the heterosexual nuclear family isthe best environment in which to ris chien, that family unit hasbeen shown over and over to be as dysfunctional as any other type of family not more so, Today, plenty of children are raised by socalled nontradional famies consisting of one mother, ‘wo mothers, one father, two fathers, ewo divorced parents, one of ‘more stepparents, a grandparent, or some combination thereo. The Important thing is fr children to have stability snd fr parents to be honest wih them abou their relationships“dypuonmar uado Sumy “niod Ye x anene of Sune way ‘axfovouou yarns sen tgs 0 a0 puss ‘ones 2) wa RUOREpUNG] #5} Seg UND YH wag | auasuo), ‘oupenis pu yep inn “ouepUNEG, Yisaoy oneunaRuED “ESM POE ABAOORP es aRI09 Som sguonma smpayeu day eq SUSU? MARE 2 0 20s psn noo ws 5 sya odo we ay ped dune nok sy Kexfououton some ae ops Aes ate igoe> ne pon on Bag pur ‘ydod a ge una usmooid ‘wojoyaryps w BudeBug fueSououuon YBa) 2h amor ny Rog 244 hm son nope sink 2noqe anon yn 0 "ea Ro ey 30 a8 NOK Oe JOP 9 ' anny uop no jsahysuonr wp summa pr snoBau oF IK HH fONOU sow a “FEE 204 goa oy Jo 04 30} You > oy yeu or Sia sns xg 0301 aa Ka 0 an aq 0 spo sons nas sno Jo WeROEGE 28] o1yn 2uo2os ‘dues 304 Fun Ucn uno hes Supumsropun su 0) sue 250810 PuONONE TEA “shes nay “weusqe5 uma fe “srg anos Yoo m3 paimadd He «ea 27 Ing ‘wonndo s2apinno ue Bum 30259 SuD2KIE YM nO wa ‘Suey fg saneop pur soon sin Ky doa sy Wao ‘a Boon wag nok axojeq ro pay yo » ary oF pax HOP NOK ‘uma 19 os 68 Auo ue stp pum BurEyUNUD “HEM pe ast nok amy pus nok ot ods ‘are nok Oy ogee « 40 aMSNOUYRYNIdO NY SPINA ate nok pun “dnsuones odo ue Bupapisue> dood 205 ed Bu ams 29 pos pu dyson eu Ay JJ au25 Buns SsousreMe19s poy on _epremos sk rk pene PNP ‘an gb [9p TU pur safes 01 apHAP NOL ‘ou ok ‘ayn 8 snk ays neg wosed 2p YM 240 OF ALOK swan uappy 259 Zo SUOSEAL Suwon) 24) 29} KuxBououn 01 zBe 01 astm 29 PAO 1 “yon a8 oh wae nok poe ons Sum aynaC ey MOLY no an ‘paanssad [py Poys 240 oN putoq Uo 24 an payor sunKKe inawnao "{an to sy that all nonmonogamous people have a greater conscious- ‘ness than others (my interviewoes were a selfselected bunch), but by doing work on themacves, they ar better equipped wo bein complex noniradionl relationships. ‘Society has prescribed cerain expectations when comes to love and semual relationships: what a relationship shauld lok ike, how each ‘person shad behave (and these behavior are usually dictated by adi ‘onal gece roles), how long you should see each ther before becoming, serious, how often you should spend time wgether, how you sould expres your love and affection for one another There are rigid ideas about all hese things and more, beginning with the most obvious one that love relationship happens berween two (and only two) people wwe have sex and an emotion attchment. Within our monogamy- centered cute, fidelity ie defined as sexual and emotional exclusivity wih one person, These values and many others ae continually ein forced all around vs—through (adtonal wedding ceremonies, men’s and women magazines, ll shows, and mainstream books and movies. 1 challenge you to throw all of that self away and bei from scratch ‘Way sem ike a daunting projet, but until yu let go of what you think youte supposed to believe and how youte supposed to act, you cannot figure out what encompases your ideal relationships). (See sidebat fora helpful exercise) (Communication ‘Once you've done some self-reflection about where you are coming from, time to open up the discussion. Ask anyone in an open rela tionship what makes i work, and one word comes up the most often: communication. Obviowly, communication isa critical part of any ‘kindof relationship, bu when it comes to nonmonogamous relation ships, good communication isone ofthe most important skis you can Ihave. Nonmonogamy snot forthe aint of hear or ay: be prepared Creating Authentic Relationships ‘The quesions below deal with isues most people take for gamed and let society define for them. You can start with & blank cans and crete your ovm definitions. ‘+ How do you define inimcy and closeness? ‘+ What constiutes a relationship for you? 1+ Are thete diferent types of relationships you wish you could have? ‘+ How long should significant relationship las? ‘+ Whats se? Is it intercourse? Ist more specie: penie- In-ragina or penisin-asitercouse? What about mana stimulation and penetration, oral sex, 2x12), BDSM play? + What kinds of things do you consider intimate? Sex, seal ouch, genital con, a BDSM scene with no semi spec? ‘+ Must you live near a pare fora relationship to be smponant? + How do you define fideliy? ‘+ Whar consiutes loving alfeionate, sel, nd roman- tic behavior? Where do things ike fining, kissing love leuers, git giving, dating, courting, phone calls, mals, and insant messges fit into your definitions? + What does commitment mean to you? 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I believe we do create facades to place and impress others. I belive we must become more honest ‘wth ourselves and others to ive awthenuclly. However, I dont sub- see to Radical Honesty as 2 whole, and Blanton hinwelf amis you Ihave todo it completely or it doesnt work 1 believe i is an egotistical and confrontational syle of communication. Isnt fir or useful 10 share everthing with someone who doesnt want to hear it isnot realy to hear it, or doesn have the sls to process the information. ‘Tantra teachers Mark Michaels and Patricia Johnson, who coach ‘couples about thet relaonships, ave een how Radical Honesty can be utfulater than help Johnson says: 1 often just brutal, andi encourages a nonrational way of ‘communicating hasty sel'invalved, We've seen people we it a8 club for beating up their panners. Tey ay, Tin {jt being honest,” of “im just allowing you to now what ry needs are or my uns ate” They're ofen completely oblivious about how that meses being received and have no willingness to take any responsibilty fr the damage they've done, because being “honest” ves them an excuse? ‘When | asked them to name the most fundamental element of ‘creating and sustaining 4 postive open reaionship, Michaels sid, Honey and the abilty to communiae kindly” Neary everyone iss honesty and communication a esentias; asked him to elaborate on his conception of kind communication, He sid this: Kindness is very hard. im cenainly not always kind, but its an ongoing process and an eff; I shink that what it shows 1 thatthe relationship matters and that your partner will xy ‘not to hurt you. Pa of beng ina relationship invaves taking ‘ate of the other person. There canbe excessive creaking, and that can be very damaging, but I think dat, An large pa, the really ufortunate by-product ofthe human poten- ‘al movements ha ital about geting mine, ls not about ‘us; all bout me. Ive seen enough ofthat to low how estrucve canbe, If youre ina eaionehip with some- fone, youre in a son of orbit. There as to be a kind of grviational pul oward each other. fall of your focus son yourselves, you're just going to fy offin diferent rections, and there not grng tobe a relationship. think a commie ‘ment to kindnesscan be the gravity that keeps you in orbit Folks who pracce Radical Honesty may se kindness as sugar coating, but I believe is a necessary component of compassionate ‘communication. Boundaries Personal boundaries are what we use 19 define ourselves at separate from eters, express oar needs and wars, and set limite within rela \onships. When you lave healthy boundares, you recognize that you are an individual with your owa warts, needs, and values. You dom take on other people issues as your own o allow others to dicate your behavior based on what they want. You don sarifice your own desires and needs to pase another person You dont atempt to con two someone els o allow youre to be contolled. Boundaries are an important element heathy relationships ofall Linde, and open ‘eiationships ae no exception. ‘Boundaries can be physical, sexual, or emouonal/paycholgi For example:« core ue + Physical boundary: Dont toch me without my pemision. + Sexual Boundary: Dont pinch my nipples during ex. + Emotional boundary: Donk projec your felings onto me. Fest you must dtemine what your boundaries are, and then youmustbe ableto acute them to your panne). Finally you mat beaware when someone does not espet your boundaries, and speak ‘pfor yous Ifyou seta boundary and someone violates, dnt lt side that oly send the menage Ifyou do ree my andar, thas coal I won Say anything oy to spect my andar. For some people, emotiona/pychologsl boundaries are the mos complex and dificult defend. Here a hypotetal example ‘You go ou with your fends and come home to your paner gid and exed fom fn ight Your partners angry “ean bee you went out and etme home alone! Youre sucha bich! Then you come ome and ub tn my fice o make me feel worse” Without ad er sonal boundaries, you woul apologize forging ou ae having good tie and fr bring bubbly when you wad through the door. You scknowlee that you're abd gilinend. Wik god penal anda, you would recognize that your ers eeling bad, You check yours Dove the ight og ou th my Fens? Yes, Did Tub i is face? Ne, You refs oak on his elngs orto fel guy about your nigh ut. You recognize tht something is pushing your partners butions, aed hat he ying to mae you feel bad instead of owing what really going on You tell him,“ an see that you angry about me gong ou with fends tonight instead of being wth you. 1 espe your ings, but id not do anything wrong was sharing my excitement with you, not delb- aly ying to make you feel bad” Laraing to define god personal boundaries and respecting the Doundares of oes are sks that may not have been made or You, ‘or your panera you grew up. You may have to develop these sil ‘Ukimately, boundaries are about clarity: being clear about who you are and what What the mew model of you need. Ifthe line brween you and opemended maiog seks your partner stato blr, it time toto promotes taking in work on you boundaries. sr; he war of ving without ay he extension of fection: the Trust extent and pleasure of ‘rust 6 a signfiant component in knowing sensuous a ‘opening up a relationship to additional variety ofthe pesos; seaual and emotional paers. When athe enrichment which Drier agrees to something you ask for __peroalties can and honors that agreement, it helps cantibute to enc other build your trast im them. Trust takes thejop of being fl ele time establish, buitleads to security. in every encounter. Many peopl in long-erm relationships —RoNALo Mazur? say that trust males teaser to support and encourage thelr partner to explore ‘with other people. Trust becomes an anidotto jealousy competitve- nese, pscesiveness, insecurity, and fet. The message i clear: when people trust ther partners and trust nthe strength oftheir relaion= hip, they experience les anxiety in the presence of someone nev. (On the fp side, lack of trax can lead to insecurity, doubt, and unhappiness. ‘Some people have dificuly trusting others because of unresolved Issues from childhood or past relationships. No mater how trustwor- thy your behavior, Someone who has ahard time trusting wil sil ind ithard totus you. Ifyou know that rusts dificult for you, working ‘oni can help you resolve Some ofthe underying issues and avert problems in your open relationships. Often a parer’ paranoia, pos esivenece, or jesloey can stam from a lack of trast. IF your partner has trast ess, be patient, reassuring, and supportive do not take on« ‘oven ve his insecurity by agreeing to unrealistic expectations or sharing his pranoia; encourage him o get help working onthe sue, Polyamory educator Anita Wagner believes tht pacing yourself Ina relationship ean postively lect the tus level: ‘Trusts based on knowing person no jut in what they say shout themselves, but observing them as well It takes a while to get to know someone relly well The newer your ‘eationship, the less substantial the foundation for in terms of relly knowing and trusting each other. Now, there ‘case tobe made forthe opposite: you can lear otras that ‘person, see them go out with someone eel come back, ‘continue to do right by your relationship, continue to be Invesied in So trust an be built that way too, but thee has to be good balance. Pacing yourself early in relationships helps o keep things suble and helpe prevent the big blowups, the big rah-and-bum* Wigner makes an imporant point: dont rsh the proces of building twat, The more deeply you rus someone the ease willbe to ake the leap of fat with her as you explore possiblies beyond monogamy Fidelity and Commitment (One ofthe values most strongly associated with monogamy and adi ‘onal marriage is fidelity. Every day. in their wedding vows, spouses promise to be faithful co each cher ano free all others. Most fos assume that you're ina nonmonogamous relationship, youte being unfithful by defniion. Nonmonogamous people have 1ossed ‘ut the “forsaking al thes" par, but that does mean they reject the nation of fideliy ‘Although monogamy and fdelty have become intertwined in ‘cultural definitions, idly ubimately means believing strongly in your love and in your lationship, and heping your promises. the sta- {istics on cheating are accurate, keeping your promises is something ‘monogamous people havea tough time doing. Nonmonogamous rel Honships are built not on vows of exclusivity but on the agreements people make and honor; therefore, deity isan essential part of non- ‘monogamy There i false assumption that open relationships are less com- rite than monogamous ones. This is bectuse nonmonogamous people often make commirnents in the absence ofthe legal docs ‘ments, sate recogition, and financial rewards and benefits that come with a maria commitment. They often donot have the acknowledg- ‘ment, suppont, or acceptance of friends and families Inthe absence of such extemal validation, they are bound together bythe faith neach ‘ther and by their daily words and deeds Of course, self-awareness, communication, healthy boundaries, trust, deity, and commitment arent the only vale that make open relationships work. People in open relationships also embrace respect, enero, freedom, and authenticity One lst quality that cannot g> ‘unmentioned in any discussion of open relationships is comperson, 8 concept that may be new o many readers. Compersion i taking joy in your parmer’ pleasure or happiness with another partner. For some, compersion as an erotic component: chy get turned on watching, ‘mngining, or hearing about thee parts sexual experiences. Some pratiiones of polyamory think of compesion asthe opposite of jeal- ‘us, of atleast the antidote 10 jealousy. Given the problems (and rama) ignited by jealousy, you can se how compersion can goa long ay toward creating foundation for pleasure and generosity in any relationship, Read more abou compersion in Chapter 13.