ae Re AA em ee Ta sg mh o> 2° oH Da TUL VM TT ST ae ee a ug aU a te uty BRING Ld] MAD Lea) |eat \ VAY FRUITS. [heed Wises an i ae - ie ta Colga bo ee, e “cranes Peet UU fC cL o/.y See Ss(( 1) (iS ‘An opportunity is never lost! Some smart guy always grabs the one you miss! ~Allred E. WILLIAM M. GAINES publisher NICK MEGLIN senior ed (CONTRIBUTING ARTISTS AND WR vitae Neuman ALBERT B, FELDSTEIN editor JOHN FICARRA, DEPARTMENTS "AMERICAN TELL AND SELL DEPARTMENT JOKE AND DAGGER DEPARTMENT if The Phone Book's White Pages we. 25} 80| Carried Advertising. ........72 KIDDIE LITTER DEPARTMENT BARD TO DEATH DEPARTMENT eae Ce Sa es Sr eee ST William Shakespeare At LAUGHTER-MATH DEPARTMENT The Post Office. 70 MAD's Formulas For Human Relations 46 BLEND RUN DEPARTMENT LEXICON JOB DEPARTMENT When Popular Publications Merge. . . 58 MAD's Do-It'Yourself All-Purpose BULLYISH ON AMERICA DEPARTMENT sree SS A Street Gang’s Annual Report ..... 19 /MAD'S REALISTIC BOARD GAME DEPARTMENT BULL SCHTICK DEPARTMENT. “Manhattan 29 MAD Visits The National B-S Academy. § MINT'S MEAT DEPARTMENT TAPITAL CRIMES DEPARTMENT ‘Commemorative Coins For Things Acronyms You Never Knew Existed. . 30 “Use Men orcad ‘orgatten 16 DEPARTMENT OF THE INFERIOR DEPARTMENT New National Parks For A Growing America, 50 DON MARTIN CONDUCTS DEPARTMENT MAD's Rhyming Guide To The Orchestra... 33 DOUBLE-BUBBLE DEPARTMENT The'“ins’ And “Outs Of Daily Conversation 14 DOWN TOWNS DEPARTMENT AMAD Look At Cities 54 END RUN-ON DEPARTMENT So They Lived Happily Ever After, Huh? 56 HERE COMES THE PITCH DEPARTMENT Sales Incentives, For Other Hard-lo-Move tems_62| ITS PLOTS UP FRONT... DEPARTMENT TV Shows YouDon' Need ToFinish Watching, 65) ‘99 44/100 PERCENT PRURIENT DEPARTMENT MAD's TV Exploitation Movie Producer Of The Yoar 75 NO KNOWS IS GOOD KNOWS DEPARTMENT Sometimes Youre Much Better Off Not Knowing 26 PARTY FAVORS DEPARTMENT Contemporary Work/Fun Gatherings. 28 REVERSE IS YET T0 COME DEPARTMENT Decision And Disaster 44 SIC TRANSIT GLORIOUSLY DEPARTMENT ‘Specialized Tours For You And ‘Your Neurosis (New York City). 42 'TABOO-LATION DEPARTMENT The MAD Readers Sex Survey 10] ‘THREAT BARED DEPARTMENT MAD's Endangering Species ‘TOO ERUDITE IS INHUMAN DEPARTMENT What is An intellectual Snot? 12 [MAD $8. Published by EC: ablations re contents Copyright © ‘aed in MAD Aton am smn JBLAD Copyriaht © 2006 by E.C. Publications. Inc. Inc, 485 MADIson Avenue, New York, NY ‘EC. Publications, Ine The ames andPg LieTHERLOCKING —— ee > 33 -— TOWERING INFERNAL SKYBLOCKERTHE INFLATIONARY BUDGET-BUSTER THE JUNK FOOD BELLY-BLOATERMUTATE LACE ATTA a BULL SCHTICK DEPT. Hello! I'm Dan Blather! We all know the old saw, “The Truth hurts!” Well, today, in business and everyday life, the Truth not only hurts, it can be fatal! Which is why “B-S-ing”... the art of out-and-out lying... has almost totally replaced telling the Truth, and has now become our accepted way of life here in America! But what many of us DO NOT know is that there's an Institution today dedicated to the teaching of this important and highly-specialized art! Join me now as... MAD VISITS | THE NATIONAL B-S ACADEMY ARTIST: JACK DAVIS WRITER: LARRY SIEGEL mene //= Vm apeaking to Tabet —— or fS' Mr. Elwood Flam, Velcome to The National campus, Mr. Flam ‘Oh, this was built for me last of earthquakes the Founderand. “| 8:8 Academy, Dan where except for yearoy Calvin Brummer one ot GM. here in ha? mcellor of” | “we rain ie successtl this tacky bund ‘our Honor Graduates! |renize Chis unusual | "ecutive, industria ing we're st it doesnt look too great Dut 1 TOLD you ne ‘school! Hello, ists, professionals and ing next to n snteed me that the was an HONOR la Darants of tomorow! rinauake-proott MM “GRADUATE!PE ell SJ LI — Ptr Tisten, 7 ‘and | [ Ofcourse ||) well , Dan. in ||| toyou | | own Mother! Man there on ‘abetter | | promise || inthe | | first thing Monday!| | “deal! you...) Lmorning!|| | tomorro Indoctrination Center, where we prepare our students ‘or General Studies by loading up their vocabulary with ms —— | ‘Dan, you're in | [I'm very Granted it is two minutes: Which means: Dr. Giermwas LT” His job was to | aa | |e seam. || 5am wereieadl| Sa gen | [tithe | Protessrs on || wiee day. our staff | | ientit™ This is one of If Mr. Gibbons, in 5 WRONG! wit vdeo games ons | Remember always =) Now, Mes. Siz gut classes in, f] view of what wel” The same way |) weightlifting, kids are not ‘be VAGUE. and winat would ‘Domestic BS"! learned so tar. | ‘my old man Only violent today, they're NEVER put your | | _ YOU do i your Here we teach] now would you | | punised met! bull ike steel workers! seitinto the | | enild misvohaved? future parents || “punish your I'd bet You HIT one... and they'll position where how tonance || chidithe did | | him Black have to scasp you up of you MIGHT have thelr kids and blue! the to carry aut a ||| thee punishment. JBLAD Copyriaht © 2006 by E.C. Publications. Inc.Perfect, Mrs. Sims! —! Now. ihe STILL mis: I don't know ‘Oh, boy! Its What's | {Thats our Excellent! Notice, [7] behaves, Mrs. Sims...? | [about you, Oan going | | Sexual . ‘but Fal: ‘onin_ | | Encounter Then seare him with, | 9] ways choke up there??| | B-S Labit “You are REALLY gona || ‘in the tace of r petit” Ang if THAT ireatness!! doesn't work, | go tor Lot's go. the throat with "BOY, we've got a are you gonna get it!” lotof ground Andif THAT doesn't— tocover...! don't know | [You mean those | [Dan, Tm happy Tm sore] Pm sortyl | [Pm sorry! te] [Tim sorry Me. how tever’ | | “eriesaf pure || tosaythat al | tar Freen|| Mr Freen || Freer just. || Freen juat left [— stayed awatel) | pieasurewere || these fine men | ‘isaotat H isin. |1 stepped down( for Perut can Mr. SBS They || and women are the hall wip your ‘now prepared ‘or marriage!! his desk! | conference! snk Goa) | werent enjoy. "| [ine themselves? [ity Hol [tt You're cateh: Excellent, gist Now, That's ase Freon continues ing on, Cant cause to work on hie cree the word puzzle, suppose cameras| the caller wants to havent talk to Mr Honig. 2 Siered ‘orrall yet!a ui fe, Kis How would You fel about Pepsi Dan, isis our Campus [lal On, yest Thats {'paid you a lot of money... and this TV ex. |] Hospital where we teach the one that's patio on i wz oracling careerti_| }] young Doctors tne iatest_ | | used when the |) tn'Medical Bs talk: Here || Doctor has no Yumi Yur] [Ts | eae thar is where we created thet [| idea what the ‘really. | | better| alltime favorite, “There's | | patient's real tove | | than af tot of it going around” at Coke! (haters ti “Right And ALSO those wonderful My patient just isn't responding to ra eet his Broth rm worried about nim! Law... who's 8 PROCTOLOGIST!! This our ONE “Five Dollar eee Right here Campus Rent: | [ FIVE DOLLARS ar car'rorentorter | Ml ust'vou | to | [WHAT] | under $5.00 A Acar Agency, | | ADAY. OUT! It hennen read tne twomage | | magic | | Say"? It says reine | TS ALWAS ut! mrevonten | | sed! anda students and i How about a Camero aS caterng to = ‘or 35 bucks aay? thous CAMPUS RENT-A-CAR 600 CARS FOR RENT $5.00 A DAY JBLAD Copyright © 2006 by E.C. Publications. Inc.n ! Moving right along, Dan... |{[ -.and $0, tay Trend, TWansmit—) [You Took, Edna." | | thelsourCampus Religion || _ the everlasting strength of tne | | near it's 3 miraci! ean walk is, you're DEAF... Clinic Hore too, we cater_||, Lord through MY body nto YOURS! | | me”? |e —— to the public at large! You are looking at a future TV. |) ‘Evangelist at work! Just but to the: ister tothe BS ty...1_||| Lord THROUGH me... you can walkt “You could ALWAYS mai, | ) | | Sars ne eam YP Lt Oh, | forgot to tell you! Phil God, | ‘Today is Homecoming Day, come’ | ([nasit Hey.how |[ We how LONG | |about LUNCH | gotta timer? et together kt | Erni ‘more | | They make small lanyway? These guys work in the same Insurance fit in Cincinnati! They all rove | |aown nere TOGETHER this ‘morning tor the reunion’ Wow! they ARE orc: Well 2 wep, should make an inter | esting article for MAD! ‘ANG Now, I'd tke to close by s is Dan Bi was going tobe a TV |) a litle! irNetwork| i's no big geal! We've done it before! Allright! So... good night MAD? | thought this || Sows lied from allof us at C85... ond our special thanks to (Mr. Elwood Fi Remember, his middle name Call me! min || often, | | talk! What's the ‘boob ie | | bie de y‘TABOO-LATION DEP" In answer to the sex polls conduct- ed by Cosmopolitan, Redbook, and Playboy, a few months ago Mad Magazine surveyed our readership in the form of a ques- tionnaire inserted in every 4 out of Sissues (it figures—you got the one out of 5 with no insert, right?). Well, the figures have been tabu- lated! We are pleased to present the exciting results of... TVHIESM AND) READ ERYS) ‘ARTIST: BO CLARKE | WRITER: LARRY SIEGEL 10 JBLAD Copyriaht © 2006 by E.C. Publications. Inc. How Did You First Learn Ab > () eo ( it Sex? Paronte Religious leader Teacher Doctor From a fat kid inthe schootyar named Marvin, who had acne and breathed hard and giggled afot~and was '98-44/100% wrong, What Was The First Thing That Came To Your Mind When You Saw This Inkblot? What Is Your Most Exciting Sexual Fantasy? 1% ong alone ona desert istona with a Pac-Man gore and 9.000 quarters {US Being hit very slowly in the mouth by Brooke Shields with ‘deep dish pepperoni pizza 22% Rolling round naked in el of answers toa math exam final 16 Spending a weeken: 13%. Moking out once with my wite before | leit ever get tmarsed. I'm very insecure.How Old Were You When You Had Your First Sexual Experience? 1 III ie or unser vs MD no z mB as ( 16-20 year-old who said they or under to impr an ial brothers and sil haven't had any How Do You Feel About S&M? SE 3S 100% 14% Ulan teow what SAMs 3% 15% ain ‘Sal they tked thefts ‘Thought Sum stood Confused S4m with Mam 4.ond F much betir aghelti and meatballs 18%. Said they never eat candy during sex What's Your Initial Reaction To This Porno Movie Scene? 15% Wow came there's no night igh inthis bedroom? 231%, Does that sly tady who broke the citing mirror know she's gong to have seven years hard ck? ‘20% The man in the ress could go fall tne rips off that "Do Not Remove" tag from the matres 18° Doesn't the man with the whipped cream now W's not Kosher tomix datry with meat 164, don't think that man tral loves his tennis baby ost trying to make is ippets jealous! Whom Do You Usually Consult With Your Sexual Problems? ase Parents Ns Religious Loader Pyohiatrist | writs to “Dear Abty” [08 “Confused From Sheboygan") 8s, write to Ann Landers fas "Confused From Dear Abby") ‘9% Marvin in he schoolyard (some people just never tearm) What Do You Find To Be The Sexiest Feature In A Partner? = = eyes, > tips a es Tenth i ' om mm gf tN fem ae q > Lex shoulder os om ) ae _| / Pulmonary 21% ‘artery Mesenteric 9%, ‘in The Enpty Aree Betwoen Legs 20°" | nl ‘EARNED ANaTOMY FAOM KEN AND wanei€ COLES JBLAD Copyriaht © 2006 by E.C. Publications. Inc.2 My Copyright © 2006 by E.C. Publications. Inc} ‘TOO ERUDITE IS INHUMAN DEPT. WHAT IS AN INTE ARTIST: SERGIO ARAGONES. ful Bunny" in some nursery school until the very last time you read “Happy, The Playboy Bunny" in some nursing home, you can expect to have your literary taste ridiculed by an unnerving, unswerving, self-serving creature known as an Intel- jual Snob. Generally speaking, an Intellectuai Snob is any person who knows absolutely everything about Charles Darwin and Isaac Newton, and absolutely nothing about Charles Bronson and Isaac Hayes. M™: ASSUME that an Intellectual Snob is much smarter EF ‘THE VERY FIRST TIME you read “Hoppy, The Play- than other people just because he calls attention to his brilliance more frequently than other people. In truth, the average Intellectual Snob is an untalented soul who begins life as a mere babbling brook of big words, but who quickiy grows into a cascading river of meaningless mouthings until he ultimately wreaks havoc by drowning those around him in a roaring flood of swirling trivia O*« SELDOM FINDS an Intellectual Snob working in a hock shop or constructing condominiums or playing first base for the New York Mets, More often, he turns up working in a bookshop or reconstructing Caledonian ruins or playing first flute for the New York Philharmonic. But wherever he is and whatever he's doing, you can bet that he's wearing a rumpled tweed jacket with suede elbow patches, and he’s brag- ging that he doesn't even owna television set,and he's including his middle name in his signature, because that's the way George Bernard Shaw and Oliver Wendell Holmes did it I: EASY TO SPOT an Intellectual Snob in any crowd. He's the one reading "The Collected Works of Marcel Proust’ in the subway. He's the one picking out a plaster-of-Paris bust of Mozart to give as a house-warming present, He's the one past- ing a reproduction of “The Mona Lisa" inside the door of his school locker. He's the one packing for a vacation in Las Vegas because he's heard they have a great museum there. And he’s the one on the floor at the discotheque who's dancing “Swan Lake.” SS PSYCHOLOGISTS THINK that Intellectual Snobs be- come what they are because they secretly feel inferior. Maybe that is why they never voice an opinion about a ear what the critics think of it. Maybe that's why thi be to scholarly journals for the sole purpose of impressing their mailmen. Maybe that’s why the tell the TV rating service they're watching "Issues And Answers” when they're really watching “Bowling For Dollars.” And maybe that's why they're curently searching for their roots in the hope of finding an ancestor who was more intellectual than the ances- tors of other Intellectual Snobs they know. M“: LIKELY, EACH PERSON who assumes the jeering, sneering, domineering role of an Intellectual Snoh dows so for his own special reason. Chances are that Tony Randall embraced Snobbishness only because he was forced to spend his entire TV career portraying a complete ninny. And i: me BedeLLECTUAL SNOB? WRITER: TOM KOCH Federico Fellini may have been pushed aver the brink into Snob- hood because he was the only Italian ever judged too incoherent to work for the Mafia, And Howard Cosell probably became the overblowing, overbearing Grand Marshal of All Snobism because people used to laugh when he appeared in public with too much lac an his toupee. N INTELLEGTUAL SNOB'S air of aloof superiority often A auses him to be thought of as nothing but a tightly closed nd attached to a wide open mouth. In reality, he is much much more. An Intellectual Snob is Mature Wisdom sporting a personalized auto license with his LQ. number on it; Warm Gen- erosity eager to share his knowledge of correct grammar with the less fortunate; Deep Humility wearing a glow-in-the-dark Phi Beta Kappa key; and a Veritable Fountain of Fatherly Advice who never had any children of his own because he never got mavtied because he never found a girl who was good enough for him... .or could even stand to go out with him. Snobs. After all, somebody has to be the television news analyst who explains what the President just said in a ‘And somebody has Sunt TO SAY, the world probably noeds Intellectual speech that we could all hear for ourselv to wade through those long articles in “The New Yorker” that come between the cartoons. And somebody has to buy tickets to see Orson Welles perform, even though his last notable perform ance was in 1941. And most important of all, somebody has to translate Rod McKuen's poetry into French for the benefit of other Intellectual Snobs who think it's too lowbrow to read in English (0 ONE REALLY KNOWS what strange internal chemistry N produces these pontifical purveyors of profound prattle. Some Intellectual Snobs seem driven by an invisible force to learn everything about the ballet because they can't undor- stand anything about football. Others seem compelled to acquaint themselves with poor 15th Century Flemish painters hecause they can't acquaint themselves with any rich 20th Century Rock Stars. Still others seem obliged to quote long passages from Shakespeare because they don't have any thoughts of their own that bear repeating, Nines ANYONE who talks so much while saying so little is bound to make a few questionable statements. But the Intellectual Snob prefers not to have any of his re marks challenged, no matter how absurd they are. And Heaven help those who dare to ask where he got the idea that chimpan- zees hold conservative political beliefs, or that long buried Hindu scrolls warn against eating canned tnna fish, or that putting fluo- ride in our drinking water led directly to the Alaska Barthquake of 1964, The true Intellectual Snob will quickly defend his pro- nouncements by flashing a superior smirk, and replying with the same contemptuous words that he has ultered so often before: “I WOULDN'T EXPECT YOU TO UNDERSTAND”DOUBLE-BUBBLE DEPT. Did you ever stop to think that what you say isn’t what you always mean? In other words (See? What we say isn’t what we always mean, either!), we usually have two conversations going on at one time. First, there are words that THE “INS” AND “OUTS” AT FUNERALS... sanmist Bop ctAnKe Melvin Twilley was more than a ry darling! (mm pif There, there, Elcieal Just Thanks forgiving Dad id andl Father! He fai alone now! What will | [| romember he gove you thirty [fl this simple, dignfic af Friend! | never HJ do without youl How could JJ years of happiness and a lite- [™l tuneral, Me. Hotchki ai ‘you leave me like this!? ‘time of memariest That's all unkind word! ‘you should think about now! simple if we'd bought | never even knew the guy! | ‘out that $100,000 policy wonder ifs too soon to that bronze coffin you ‘never heard him say ANYTHING! “= while you had the chancel?! tried to stick us with! AMONG ARTISTIC TYPES... APPLYING FOR JOBS... Tis i¢@ fine opportunity for This is a dream come true for | you to grow with our fem, my me Mr. Fink! Just think ..« a chance to learn the Retail Business from the ground up! All| wont fs to take this ‘boy! Don't look atit asa job ‘ut asa life-time eareert Idiot for $200, then Tm off 0 Mexico for the Holida ‘Armand, I's Inspirea! ‘Tome, it represents Man- kind trying to withstand the crushing inevitability of the nuclear holocaust! More than that, itso connotes undying optimism standing firm before the furv ofa world gone mad! ee ae P Saal Tonly need this eled for the big Holiday Season rushl Then, TIT Kick him out on his asst Holy cow! And ‘Actually, it looks more ‘I just thought | like 2 crippled chickent Ing a crippled ehiand then there are the words that we think . .. . which nobody hears. In short, we speak voice. You'll see what it’s all about in we speak which people hear . . usually what we really mean to sa with an “inner” voice and an “outer” F DAILY CONVERSATION AT COCKTAIL PARTIES. & I she says "Yes!" her over to Monaco |. ‘round with her fora week ‘and then dump her! | Tre met all evening! T---Hteel aul, Mom! J Maybe you'd better stay trying to tell me is that my outer ‘think 'm dying! Buti home for a few dayst Your manisfestations of hostility are the cause a deep-rocted \'m having a Math exam iM health is more important results of my suppressed antagonism i today, So I=! guess | tome than 8 lousy tet! toward my Mother. who ...to me, better go to schoci! - 2 Father figure! Thother words, Doctor, what you’ ‘She'll never swallow this bull unless she thinks | don’t want to miss that exami!MINT’S MEAT DEPT. ‘To make the 1984 Olympics seem like an even bigger deal, the dictionary where “commemorative” is defined as “any. the US. issued a series of “commemorative coins” marking thing that brings an event from the past back into our re- the event. But MAD suspects that this was merely a scam —memberance.” So how were we expected to remember the 1984 to scrape up extra revenue. If you doubt it, just look in Olympics before they occurred? For that matter, who needed COMMEMO MIGHT OT THE A.B.A. MEMORIAL QUARTER AnisT: AL Jarre Copyright © 2006 by E.C. Publications. Inc.to be reminded about them, considering all the publicity they got! Obviously, the coins were just a shifty scheme to make a fast buck. MAD believes that future government plans (0 put out commemorative coins should follow a more s use these specially nation’s less celebrat- juals and events. You'll ut after studying these honorable course. From now on, I issued coins to recall some ed, but equally important i understand what we're talki WRITER; Tom KOCHTHE U.S. NEUTRALITY TWO-CENTS PIECE "BREAD Copyright © 2006 by E.C. Publications. IULLYISH ON AMERICA DEPT. F One nice thing about big corporations is: they all issue Annual Reports to tell the public what they've been doing during the past year, and what their plans are for the year ahead. On the other hand, one scary thing about neighborhood street gang is: they never tell the public about their recent activities. and even worse, never make any announcements about what they plan to do next. MAD envisions a time when lawmakers will rule that the creeps of local gangs are in business for profit just like the creeps of legitimate companies, and that the young punks are equally obligated to give the public an accounting of their affairs too, in something like: ASTREET.CANE'S: T] tt nigh} are Boa | vanavtt | 4 Sie Dukes pose in font ol neces of your West Sie Dukes egress | ie Sky Sutons vo extend Dukes ult 10 Sharon ae | le at Has Dae end ee te QUAL REPORT eae ec}ANNUAL MESSAGE FROM THE HEAD HONCHO HEAD HONCHO FUTZLER is seen tere enhanc ing yur corprations image by hanging out near the newly acquired corner of 23rd and Brinnlek, Mr, Futzler devoted many late evening hows to such ‘executive dues, but skimmed aff es than $10,000, ‘rom the Dukes" treasury for Wis ers The 12-month period just completed has been one of organizational rebuilding for your West Side Dukes. Two of our Inner Council members reached the mandatory retirement age of 2G last year, nine other Dukes departed for long terms in the slammer as a result of legal misunderstand- ings, and one member was expelled for moving to a better neighborhood. enrolling in night school and displaying other signs of emotional instability. This manpower drain made it necessary (0 dip into the ranks of our Junior Brigade and promote several promising pre-teen loudmouths to positions of responsibility before their Brutality Training had been fully completed. As a result, receipts from shakedowns and muggings declined by 14 percent, while the snatching of Social Security checks from Senior Citizens barely kept pace with the previous year's activity. Even more damaging to our corporate image was an incident in which an 83-year old intended victim spanked @ Junior Brigade member for trampling her petunias. Your gang management feels certain that growing maturity and in- creased ruthlessness will enable the Dukes (o return to a healthy financial growth pattern in all divisions during the coming year. The turf we control already has been expanded to several new commercial areas, where lily- livered store owners are expected (0 knuckle under to our extortion de- in addition, the ran ) of School lockers should become an 1) money maker, thanks to our recent affiliation with a “fence” who jalizes in hot textbooks, used galoshes and restorable mittens. Steps also are under way to enhance the Dukes’ psychological advan- tage over the local citizenry through the use of new terror tactics. Leather jackets emblazoned with a glowering portrait of Sylvester Stallone have been ordered for all members. The organization's official '64 Chevy staff car has been equipped with a tape recorder that plays frightening tire squeal sounds, even when it is parked. And local first graders are being systemati- cally run up their school flagpoles by one ankle for withholding any part of their weekly allowance from our coilection agents, Allinall, your West Side Dukes have embarked on a program of growth ‘that will make every member and friend proud to be affiliated with our fine organization. Those of us on the management team have set high goals for increased profitability and gang image during the coming year, and you may rest assured that blood will flow in the streets until those levels are achieved. Respectfully submitted, Marvin L. (Raunchy) Futzler President & Chief Enforcing Oificer AA FIRM BELIEVER IN EDUCATION, Presidont Fitri shown educatig @ ONMA. FUTZLER'S ORDERS, the Dukes’ Sta Car remained in wet the senor sient of 26th Sieet about te danger of failing o cooperate withthe eae fra ie, despite a trequent shortage ot cas for needed parts. Tanks Des ter ony one lecture wiinoly donates his monthly Saal Seeety tn this pay your organization used only $205 worth of gaol lal year $198 ‘money to aur Corporate Health and Recrestion Fund. of which was obtained with “borrowed” eed cards, maa polhlanel eeeLADIES’ AUXILIARY RECOUATS A PULSATING YEAR Flashing the type of dazzling femininity that can beattained only through the use of $386.40 worth of purple lipstick and 29 quarts of high powered do- mestic perfume, the West Side Dolls made 1983 a year that was groovy fo the max. The Dolls, a wholly owned subsidiary of your West Side Dukes. established an enviable new record by luring 134 dudes from rival gangs into traps, where they were subsequently clubbed, tromped or razored by male members of Our organization. More than 80 of these successful set-ups were staged at the Passion View Drive-In Theater, right under the noses of fuzz from the Juvenile and Vice Squads who had staked out the area. Natch, the girls were all proud of their ability to make fools out of the pigs for the good of the Dukes’ corporate image. Looking ahead to fiscal 1984, the Ladies’ Auxil- iary hopes to expand into the more profitable areas of rolling drunks in the alley behind the Oasis Bar, and extorting money from non-gang gitls at knife point in the rest rooms at Dillinger Memorial High School. In addition, we shall continue to inspire our organ tion's male members to greater achievement with our irresistible charms. ‘AN UNIDENTIFIED LADIES" AUXILIARY MEMBER (Call 5556040 and Love and XXAXXs. 28 Vera) displays etrament skis that et up many prominent meres o Roxie Dimbauer, Til gangs for node punishes by your Dukes in 3, Leading Sexpot ANEW STRIDES REPORTED BY JUNIOR BRIGADE Members of the Dukes’ Junior Brigade didn't take no guff off nobody in 1985. We Utink this was very macho of us. considering that we now got somte members which are only six years old, mak ing them too short to defend themselves except by biting grown-ups on the knee caps, which is what they do. Byen though we ain't quite ough enough to be full-fledged Dukes because we still spit like girls we was plenty tough to hassle the little wimps in kindergarten out of $157 in milk money during “85. That was lots more than the $85 the year before. Mostly, we hassled the little wimps for more loot because we was tougher. But partly, it was because of milk going up to 25¢ a day from 18c, which meant the little wimps had to bring more cash from home to buy it, except they never got a chance to buy it anyway because we hassled them for the money first All the dough we collected from hassling the little wimps was turned over to the Dukes, except- ing for $22.50 which we spent on dirty books for our clubhouse library, and on flowers for Iggy Bostscomb after he got hurt for talking back (0 mean guy with a big dog. Your pal, A JUNIOR BRIGADE MEMBER is seen here capitalizing on wishy Shorty Henshaw, ry So ply thal ts most young fenders retry oth srs with Top Junior Pest only 2 sm Failure to make lncorigile tyes do hard time is YRAD Copyright © 2006 by EC. Publications Inc “ltt your Dukes can profit in the future. agADVERTISING E PROMOTION DEPT. ACHIEVEMEARTS S My AES | Innovative designs in spray-painted graffiti | a 4] . were created and widely displayed by your orga- Be oN » nization to heighten its name identification 2 among the general public in 1983. As the muti- lated interior of the city bus shown on this page early illustrates. our new Bloody Dagger cor- porate logo did much to terrorize commuters throughout the area serviced by the West Side Dukes. ‘The Advertising & Promotion Department is pleased to state that this broadened graffiti effort was achieved on a smaller budget than anticipated, due to the fact that 92 per-cent of the spray paint was stolen in 1985. up irom only 67 per-cent during the previous 12-month per- iod. In addition. the sniveling owner of Herbs, Paint & Wallpaper Shop was induced to donate supplies in exchange for keeping his building untorched by your organization. Even greater generosity by Herb is expected in fiscal 1984. following his recent conference with representa- ier siedpenammerPA DUKES" NEW CORPORATE LOGO highigted promotion! gait in 2S. Hoes tian setp amnroes Patrol and helped enhance the gangs reptaon 22 endr he growin Sedo old est Regards, ‘oe ils. [Pita provide rough courtesy of iimifated Miia Bus Weasel-348 Line officiats) Advertising & Promotion Director PLANAING DOIVESE For the year ahead, your organization has adopted the twin objectives of continued fi- nancial success, coupled with a growing role for the Dukes in West Side gang brurality. Re- ceipts from shakedown programs are expected to show a 20 percent gain. thanks to efficient new persuasion methods. In addition, our Angel dust and coke smuggling pipeline into the State Prison should become fully opera- tional by mid-1984. Most important. plans will soon be implemented to blast the Ninth Street Ramblers for deliberately spilling out potato salad at last year’s All-Gang Picnic. As many of you are aware, the Potato lad Incident merely heightened the need for revenge, which has existed since a Rambler punk said a nasty thing about Raunchy Furzler's sister on New Year's Eve of 1979. Every redblooded member of the Dukes has seethed over that outrage, even though Raunchy’s sister is no prize, and the nasty thing said about her was true 54.28 Special Fund has been raised to purchase tire irons, bicycle chains, napalm and other equipment needed to retaliate against the Ramblers. Your Planning Division is pleased to announce that this blood bath is, now scheduled for blast-off during the second quarter of fiscal ‘84 I’ REVEALS GOALS FOR '84 Me ‘at PLANNING DIVISION LEADER WEPLEY displays 2 portion of “play. Onward to the future, round equipment” cache stockpiled by Dukes for use in upenming “games Four Eyes Wepley, agai Ninh Steet Ramblers. Scheduled mayhem wil do ch io boost Does” Sd Director ga Be ight © 2006 by EC. Publications inceFISCAL 1963 AT A GLANCE DISPOSITION Dukes Show Yearly Rise In 3 Out Of 4 Leading Gang Indicators (MEMBERSHIP ‘SPRING 1983 SUMMER 1983 AUTUMN 1983 JBLAD Copyriaht © 2006 by E.C. Publications. Inc. WINTER 1983 2024 ANAUAL CONSOLIDATED BALANCE SHEET ASSETS AS OF DEC. 31, 1983 Prepaid dues hidden inside gang headquarters . eos See) Ines Stolen cash hidden inside gang headquarters ...... é cesses 4,633.00 Bail money returnable when indicated members report for trial . 7,250.00, Organization's staff car at current market value ...... s 175,00 Reward money collectible if we fink on President Futzler ........ 10,000.00 On deposit with gang’s Health & Retirement Fund ........ : 84 ‘Scared merchants’ protection money currently due . eee 1,150.00 Spray paint donated, but unused... . eaieuieeste sama 16.00 Empty beer cans on hand at current recycling value . F : 4.53 TOTAL ASSETS. ...... «$23,236.75 LIABILITIES AS OF DEC. 31, 1983 Stolen cash re-stolen from us by other gangs ............seese0ee08 -. $ 4,618.00 Bail money forfeitable when indicated members fail to report for trial... 7,250.00 Traffic fines payable from officers using staff car. . Ha 729.00 Medical claims pending against Health & Retirement Fund ............ 0.00008 3,195.75 Scared merchants’ protection money deemed uncollectible because merchants got scared enough to leave town... ee eS Ransom demanded on members held hostage iy rival gangs ......0..0..02008 ses. 6,500.00 Balance due on Security Officer Wingo's distemper shots....... 12.00 Rewards promised to Junior Brigade members who gave up smoking . . eat 2.00 TOTAL LIABILITIES. . . «+ $23,236.75 AEPORT OF I DEPENDENT AUDITOR Speaking as a guy who is just trying to keep his head above water by running a little accounting office ‘on Brimmalek Street, [find the financial statement brought to me by fourbig bruisers wearing hobnail boots to be every bit as accurate as they said it was. In fact, I'd say it's more than just accurate. During this period when my wife and children are being held hostage, I have concluded that this is the finest financial statement I ever sav. [feel sure that I will continue to hold this same opinion in the future, at least until Edna and the kids get home. Other accountants examining this report might find the figures a little vaque in places. But it’s easy to be picky when you're sitting in a plush office, and you know where your family is, and no one has a gun pointed at your head, Personally, I find that this whole thing conforms with normal accounting procedures just fine, And even if didn’t think so, I'm not about to become a hero over a bunch of stupid figures. Price Outerhouse, Very Independent Auditor, Except For Right Now JBLAD Copyriaht © 2006 by E.C. Publications. Inc.JOKE AND DAGGER DEPT. PART! Wa Wa TEL | JBLAD Copyriaht © 2006 by E.C. Publications. Inc.NO KNOWS IS GOOD KNOWS DEPT. SOMETIMES YOURE [oc ocepe everatietarivenia | ‘see who our daughter is rooming with this semestert This hotdog ie delicous! wonder what they put into it to make it taste so good! Great! Wy Sister is calling her gir friend! Now, I'l find out what she thinks of me after our date last night! We realy shouldn't be reading Laura's diary! “She's Such sweet, innocent iat could bein 10? Tean't wait tose the results of my secret poll! Now, Lr know wnat the people realy think of thew Governor!TTER OFF ‘Te taeda you so ofen onthe phone ‘Anhni At last! My family’s roots! Who knows? || | ~~ ry, but school records ‘areuusually confidential...PARTY FAVORS DEPT. One of the differences between life in Colonial America and life in America today is that our ancestors used to participate in community gatherings where they would work and/or socialize at the same time in order to make tedious jobs a little more CONTEMPORA = Lae Master Billy Thoms Desperately invites You’ You Are Heroby Ordered To Attend | Join Hie And His Friends oa jenny Hoppman’s a fm Sevon Mont | Bedroom Clean-up Third e | As They Pick Up ite Stereo 8-Trac Toys, Games, Cov om Tape Deck | Bir Clothes, Drty Dishes Installation ty Junk-Food Packages rape Deck | Candy Wrappers and 2 jad Another Tape id Poss , Benny Has H 7 ‘His Long. Lost Kid Sie, Yes lon From His Carl You Wil Ip | On Februar Oe eatin RNew One ..-Or Els | tary Fourth AtTen A.M Him Putin AN | And Receive A Special Prize On Saturday. Mazch Sth | awash Ai 12:30 In The Afternoon 5 Room Showing Te mainte | ston oF fis Be esue ort te ling 1% His Dresser, 8 jnstll YOUR Now Tap | Basser etic li ieavonnr tee ——e | ‘Sidney And Lydia Goléechmiat so Cordially Invite YouTo An | rua End-Of-The-Summer he Parker Family's : 1 Emengenoy Pool Cleaning Where You'll Hay Add Chtorine, And Skim The Surface OF All The Garbage You've Put There First Anntal yaundry Folding Beginning At oe clock Noon OR Sani fwelvanuary ath aturday, September The Sint \ fanart ei AUThree O'Clock In The Alten We Will Fold And Cha = \ When Vi yempt To Clear The {If You Enjoy Being Near The Water, tm An Of atolded Laundey fect Way To Spend The Dep! ated Since The hat Have Accum y How on That Have i Zelda We Poot - nat fgnation Of Our Maid, Zs Gets SoFiiiy —cerTothe sand dinner Plan On MRE 8A Mystery post ToThe. geserved will Bo 28 JBLAD Copyriaht © 2006 by E.C. Publications. Inc.enjoyable. Quilting Bees, Husking Bees and Barn-Raisings were just a few of the ijoyable. Qu could fly today. So you are pt lially invited to read the following invitations to. COMMUNAL GATHERINGS SE eat Never 6 Broken A Chain Letter In Her Lite, And Having Returnes Thee cation To Fing A Backlog of Thirty Chain Letters ta Her mig | Months In Arrears And Seeing, Rent Sev With His Hi Job, 8 fer Having Lost diate Futur Ae Fock in The immedi Ne Ee Ei . ites You TOA a ove-Out April 30th. Socnatlotte "Lucky" Mi22burn ordially Invites You to 4 Chai Covdlally Midn ight M :» Wednesd2y. 7 The Landlord's Asleep Lettor ritiog Party Fri On soon As - ye Truck—Or Anytht Bring Yous On Ce etry Fue vin ith Wheels Tha “J . J! We AllHaul For Ed Hi day, January Eleventh WeStart As| From Three To Seven WU deve 0 Write, ‘vota, Sturt ana Address Over 400 Pieces Of Matt 1 Haul! You Hau! avi eno! Absolutely No = All Of My Superstition With Neat Pen: 1S Friends i11 Be There Refroshine Kindly Make Seven Copies Of mi Tnvitation And Mail them To People Who You Think Will Want to Help, OF Suffer Terrible Bad iuek pa =_—=_—_— Panic In Trembling Anticipation First Night Activities co With The Arrivat Of His nto Tor Her Annuai two. Mr. Zachary, Mungier Invites You To Participate in ‘qual State Of Absolute InIHis U ee Family Argument Arie Pou To Ast Him On Saturday, May Twenty Fourth Ancxiously Invi Annual naeis Ras a inal Exe E ue The Fe On Satur Tenth AU About Eight Thirty P.x4, ou Are Gleetnu surteenth To Take Sides And Cont Imsults, Accusations, urs, lly Encouraged bute Your Own r Recriminations, And Sud Fane plications, Aspersians ang Pet Peeves a Noon ToMidnight (Even Though Such Ba Biting Might Not Hie TT ee Necessarily Apply 10 His amity In Hopes eating Subjects Miah In The Follow Through His Thick Head To Drag Old Sketet “ fo Genere ‘cal boettg And To Generally R 10n5 Out OF The Closot ub Salt Into Ola Wounds "etrshents And Atarvsion Wi Be Seog eraser RAD Copvriaht © 2006 by EC. Publications Inc English “Gym Social etry mi Trigonos SpurCAPITAL CRIMES DEPT. You've probably all heard of CORE (Congress Of Racial Equality) and NOW (National Organization of Women) and SNAFU (Situation Normal~ All Fouled Up). Well, these words are called “acronyms.” Recently, ACRONY} ON A JOB INTERVIEW Tri wellquallied, a8 you | [Youre hired! Youve ‘can see {com my RESUME! P&{ made yourself 2 FUTURE! IN THE MAFIA... Then i's agreed! Theresa ) | You have | brace thet nurirtnies| [nevronay| CU N ia —_™ Sl! Ricuiy Bxacaeraren | |FLunqy Usco Taank Saosor Urtery | uessty ay UrreRLy Ruse UnoeKWORO} | REGULARLY | MEANINGLESS EXPERIENCEH] RLuTuLESS EwPLoveR Guiers Bupioy | | Bisaecanveo - TVE a cmd sa JARELy RELEVANT | yo Never To You yl "na ‘ASSURANCEMAD has discovered that many people are cleverly...or inadvertent- ly...sneaking their own made up “acronyms” into their ordinary con- versation. If you don’t believe us, take a peek at these examples of | LS kxEW YOU NEVER KNEW EXISTED IN A GARAGE... Will the job | Nabhht All the cor | be expensive! | needs is TUNE-UP! ee 7 eee Wait you get 2 look at my new SITCOM! Today, for lanch, Fd kecommend our SPECIAL! We've got to start planning for the ‘upcoming SEASON! ‘SUPERFICIAL ENTER: ‘Seaies WaTATING [- TAINMENT ANNUALLY IDICULOUS ELEMENTS || Typical Crap b y Siren Qu NETWORKS 4 MamiRaiiy TEDIOUS: On MEDIUM |) BRM Copyright © 2006 by E.C. Publications Inc. acid eeMy EVIDENCE will f} [The defendant is eultty— f | as-my EVIDENCE will prove! | | _ prove him innocent! Traian Tea || Teor tora] seen || aire arenas | IY oF DEFENDANT ay EXCUSING | Numerous GrIMEs ENTIRELY PVPS TOR COVA 25 yy Cy My only concern is} iM PAL for the PEOPLE! rs “ ATHLETE MAKING: Avounrs THAT Exist UNREFORTED] EL veRsiTy GOURSES AND TAKING Iojoric ONES NEEDLESSLY ef prowiss LATER ABANDONED| {Troms r BXECUTWVES, Thar FAITHLESS OFrice- [¥ OFFICIALS & POWERFUL \ seenens REGULARLY Make | | Lossyists EXCLUSIVELY Remember, at Finster's Department. The magazine needs: There's n There's ras pet pio ‘Well, as cl this Sime weve proud of our Senvice ‘nore HUMOR Pari hea '] SICKENING ARTICLES | { ANOTHER PuTRID Cs THaTIRRITATE — ff BREDICTARLE dienes EXCESSIVELY F{ ENDING AT LEAST AP Conant ©2000 ene Pibhone en HauLinG UP oF Mone O10DON MARTIN CONDUCTS DEPT. MAD’S RHYMING GUIDE TO THE ORCHESTRA Although the players that you see Should work in perfest harmony, They're such a lemperamental crew Its quite surprising when they do, ‘The Violins and obher strings Believe they have the righis of kings And look down on the Bresses as Loud pigs who should be playing jazz; ‘The Brasses, on ihe other hang, Believe the Woodwinds should be banned, While they, in turn, regard the Drums Astle more than common bums; JBLAD Copyriaht © 2006 by E.C. Publications. Inc. ARTIST: DON MARTIN {And so i goes from chair to chair As voices shou! and tempers fare; But then appears the one man who Can unify this snarling crew. Ho isthe great Conductor, and He soon reveals he's in command; He shrieks a of-key violins, He warns the trumpets of their sine; ‘The flutes, be screams, are laying bombs, ‘The cellos are destroying Brahms: He rants, he yells, he isn't nice; He turns musicians into mice WRITER: FRANK JACOBS Until, a lst, there comes the day Their first performance they must play: The hall is packed, uo seat to spare, With concer!-lovers every where: The great Conductor marches on And raps the stand with his baton; ‘The music swells—a joy fo hear A greal succoss! A grand promicre! The crowd applauds the wondrous sound; ‘The concert ends, he turns around, ‘Takes filteen bows, and off he siruis While sixty players hate his guts. aaTHE VIOLIN THE VIOLA This high-strw gent with bent-dawn chin The poor Violist has one aim— Wil nees outspread ind muscles stilt Is tuning ‘Toone day sneich a bitof fame; it has lo wonder if He won't of course, because, you see, i's worth the endless years of hell " He never plays the melody. Ii fakes to play the damn thing wel; So please ignore each dreadful squeak, Conductors barely know he's there, really sooms an awful share He'll soon display his fine technique: ‘And so he crouches in his chair To see his bent, bow-leaged frame, (ops, sorry, scems that we were wrong And mouras how greai he might have been Although he'll look quite good, ofcourse, He's been performing all along he had learned the Violin, Incase he ever rides a horse THE FRENCH HORN THE TROMBONE. THE TUBA ‘Aklutz ean play the Saxophone ‘What's this we heara banshee's moan? Aman musl practice day and night An imbecile the Slide Trombone; Why, no, tis just the Slide Trombone; ‘To loarn to play the Tuba right; fakes a special man indeed really takes a ding-aling Its fll of pipes and joints and keys ‘To ry the French Horn and succeed: To play the elongated thing And other sirange complexities; His colleagues show him great respec, He slides it out he slides it in, Despite the hardships that he's known, Conductors knee! and genullect; Then, holding back a fiendish grin, This man now blows e perfect tone, So grea is his musicianship Extends it with a mighty grunt Which sounds exctly like alas, When this man dies, they'l bronze bis lip. And devastates the guy infront ‘An elephant with slomach ges JBLAD Copyriaht © 2006 by E.C. Publications. Inc.‘hic helplees man with downeas! face Performs upon the Double Bass; While others sit, he stands, monstrous fiddle on his hands; No doubt it can't fel very good Supporting twenty ponds of wood; Just hear that moan, so groy and grim— Nol from the Bass but out of him THE FLUTE Does anybody care 3 hoo! About a man who plays the F Well, for one, most surely don’ So nish wp this verse I won't te? THE HARP With bleeding fingers, throbbing thumbs, ‘The graceful Harpist bravely strums, Creating grand chromatic scales And sacrificing Iwo more nails; How sad itis such lovely chords ‘Aro mado by alrings thal cut like swords, But Herpists need no accolades: Just pluck, a chair and ten Band-Aid THE PICCOLO Tsai T didn’t care a hoot ‘Abou! a man who plays the Flute; ‘This feeling, {should let you know, Goes double for the Picea. JBLAD Copyriaht © 2006 by E.C. Publications. Inc. THE TRUMPET. Military bands will use a Score of Trumpets playing Sovse; Orchestras are less impressed, Employing four or five at best; Conductors hate the blasted things For drowning ou! the flutes and strings; To them the blaring Trumpet’s place is Calling horses al the races. THE OBOE ‘The Oboe, many folks have found, Enmils a rather silly sound; ‘The man who plays if, uckeless gent, Detesis the stupid Instrument; He takes one great gigantic breath, ‘Then, holding it till he's neer death, Expels a fune-y gust of ait— C’mon now, do you really care? 3sWeheve Whe doe While Cy THE CLARINET ‘Hike the Clarinet als elang and Trumpets screai ‘The Clarinet remains supreme; There's nothing sweeter, we'lagre, Than hearing one played perlecty Although w: ‘There's nothing wars 28 should thal THE KETTLEDRUM. We might accep! this booming noise Iti were made by litle boys i's doubly hard to take it when ickel's made by grown-up men; luctors look on Ketiledrams o way acily views its slums Although the things are here to stay, Thoy kind of wish they'd go away. a ¢ than one played flat. Is barely been a hundred years Since Saxophones frst jarred our ears; never would have suited Bach; Poor Mozart would have gone in shock; Bul nowadays, more frequently, You'll find them in a symphony, ‘Though some conductors raise an eycbrow, Doubting that the things are highbrow. THE XYLOPHONE, We know few men who'd take the time ‘To imilate a door-bell chime, But in our finest orchestras ‘That's what the Xylophonis! does; He rarely has much work to do— ‘chime or !wo and thon he's through; ‘And if you think that he's unreal You've never heard a Glockenspiel JBLAD Copyriaht © 2006 by E.C. Publications. Inc. THE BASSOON urving sem in jaw icing heovgh straw uth he's breathing ou! tune Tinto the tube of @ Bassoon He locks absurd, the silly gink, ‘And thet's why many people f be heard nots Or else replaced by a machine ak THE CYMBALS Alone this sod masicion stands With time and Cymbais on his bands; He grips bis mammoth metal plates ‘And wails and wails and waits and waits Until he clangs that splendid crash ‘That ends the music with a smash At last it comes! Oh happy day! ‘Too bad his nose got in the way.KIDDIE LITTER DEPT. Adults just love those yecchy, sleazy periodicals that are sold at supermarket checkout counters. They love reading all that juicy gossip and shocking scandal about their favorite heroes and fantasy figures like Liz and Burt and Brooke and Princess Di! Which got us to thinking: Since most people shlep their kids along when they go shopping, the greedy publishers of those slime-sheets could cash in big by putting out special editions just for kids so they, too, can read all the juicy gossip and shocking scandal about their favorite heroes and fantasy fig- ures! Yep, we predict it won't be long before we'll be seeing something like... ARTIST: JACK RICKARD WAITEH: LOU SILVERSTONE JUNIOR uae Ero) CN Pes ees TN eT) 4. a a a err tc hh en alia ry Aa Senay - A Truly Modern & Medical Miracle: ( Humpty Dumpty Put Together Again! Wendy And Peter Pan Deny Drugs Produced “Never Never Land”! What Were Tom And Huck Really Doing In That Cave...? f pers era yes (aa eNO —— 7 JBLAD Copyright © 2006 by E.C. Publications. Inc.ITALIAN CARPENTER CREATES LIFE FROM A BLOCK OF WOOD Gepetto trouble, neglect ing to clean his room and refusing to go to school “If this kind of thing Collodi, Italy—Gepetto Pastafazool, a local car penter, reportedly carved a puppet from a block of wood and then, according to insiders, the puppet miraculously came to life. The little puppet, who was named Pinocchio, almost immediately started giving inecchio comes to life Distraught Mother Claims Pac Man Devoured Her Son Grief-stricken Glitch told the Inquirer that she believes her son, Billy Joe Bob, who has been missing for two weeks, was devoured by Pac Man “Billy Joe Bob was alone in his room playing his Pae Man game. That's all he ever did,” said Mrs. Glitch. “T'd | come to bring him his supper, and he was gone! You'd think theyd be more careful what kind of games they sell kids! I mean, the least they could do is put a warning label on the package! I mean, how's a parent to know? The Police say there are no clues to Billy Joe Bob’ mysterious disappearance Mii keeps up,’ Gepetto Inquirer reporters, * turn him back into a pile of firewood! Then, I'll carve me a Playboy bunny and see what happens!” Did "i Gepetto comes to life RICH, GORGEOUS AND MISERABLE! A BROKEN HEART FOR THE GLASS SLIPPER PRINCESS The storybook romance between nd Prince Charming (0 a rotten. pump cording to a reliable kin, source close to the couple. The Prince. a known “shoe moved out of the palace and is reportedly liv ing with an elderly widow and her many children in a shoe freak,” He's really into shoes! The Prince is new living in onel ROYAL SCANDAL ROCKS MERRY OLDE ENGLAND King Artur, the nobl popular ruler of En; ended may have been WERT Cooyiant 2008 by EC. Pabiications Inc! throne illegally iF recall, was crowned n he successfully removed a sword that had bedded in stone A highly-placed palace dignitary has informed the Inguirer that the sword hid been held in place by 4 powerful substance known Arthur, | as Ye Olde SuperGlue, and that Arthur had dissolved the glue with a “solvent” supplied by Medlin ‘Ring Arthur has refused comment on the allegation, invoking Royal Privilege. “accuse!” Mrs. Glitch fingers Pac ‘Man, who she blames for her son's mysterious disappear ance from his room.MODERN MIRACLE PRINCESS GIVES BIRTH TO FROG (Esclusve othe Junior Inquirer) “I'm so proud! He looks just like T used to look when I was a wee tadpole!” beamed Prince F the father of the first frog ever born in- to the Royal family. The delighted couple plan to name the new heir to the throne “Kermit the First, Bull of Buckingham.” ing turned into a beautiful baby boy by Princess Hoilips. RW Kermit the First os he look ed before being kissed by his Mother, Princess Hetlips. Dumped by Bobsey Twins, Hardy Boys Share New Love Will Triangle Lead To Heartbreak? Following the anguish of their recent break-up with comely Bobsey Twins, ha ‘some, youthful boy detec- tives have rebounded into the arms of glamorous foxy crime fighter Naney Drew. Ms. Drew told Inquirer reporters that “we're all just good friends, and we have joined forces only to fight’ crime, right wrongs and maybe go to a movie or two.” However, according to a close friend, the Hardy Boys are head-over-heels in love with the Drew girl ‘Two's company, but three ! Can heartbreak Hordy Boys and Noncy Drew share © soda with 3 strows AMAZING REPORT OF UFO IN KANSAS “ply A special investigating team interviewed Dorothy, a young girl who claims to have been “transported to a strange and distant land called Oz” in a space vehicle that resembles a typical Kansas farmhouse. Reporters gasped at vivid descriptions of the aliens the young girl encountered— such as heartless tin robots, 1g House” Takes Girl and Dog to “Strange Land” brainless straw creatures, lions lacking courage, and little people that directed her to the power source that made her return trip possible. Astronomers were unable to locate Oz on their charts. omewhere over the rain- 't give us enough * they complained. LOVE KNOCKS CAT IN THE HAT FLAT! now ae Mt It’s the blockbuster romance of the year! Macho sex bol, the Cat in the Hi fallen happily, hope essly, madely in love with Mittens, the cuddly middle feline of ‘Three Little Kittens fame In an exclusive interview, e Cat told the Inquirer, hat Mittens, that Mittens, is the cutest of kittens! For her, kind sir, I'd tip my hat, don a cravat, vote Democrat, sing in A-flat, catch her a rat, and even get fat!” Mittens had no comment. \ Copyright © 2006 by E.C. Publications. Inc. ‘Phase : ness Cat in the Hat goes SPLATT ‘over comely London pussycat gg100°S2$ Ave aime fe GuYD V ¥Old . pms | ae aor igs Oa LAG: $s x h Bye ae SESH | sasisam Se MANHATTAN ie aed y TOD. ONDIVd TVOITI ALINQNWWOD RULES OBJECT OF GAME is 0 go around board asmany times ‘as possible before losing everything. konrag s914unr MONEY. Each player is giv- en $50 million, of which {$25 million is in wnredeem- able bonds and worchless. Of the remaining $25 mil- ion, $5 million is paid back to. bank immediately 3 Game ‘Tax. Each time a player returns to GO, what- ever money he has left is reduced 10 per cent by in- ADAdNAANVA NI flaion. MORTGAGES. Every prop- 290 Ss oe trey is morigaged at start x29 ST game. Before player can 245 buy property (which be i > aaz Pelee do, he must pay 5 O86 SH morgage plus 30 Pert 3 = anmist soe tance ‘cent inverest BANKRUPTCY. When player has no money, he is bankrup: and must go to Default, and cannot ge' 0 p08 CAR a. CAPO oth yates Tye Was TH a 00‘0008$ A> MONPONG JOOS NoSIq3 NOD ‘3¢0910u) 910Y Uy one living shooting craps. wou 2805 YaLNaD LNaWwavO 5 Z B= &| TIMES SQUARE = 4 > Sleazy Porno Shops & 3 E | mete el is ON STRIKE © 28 ae a EZ 326 aon 00 0S yayontned D | | obo nae on aye aed ANA pa | mS gfe ‘aia pam a 233 way 2547102 38 oa WD aN od uu ww [= Nz oe 5 << £5 SU 1 2 = Zz a oa Zo WAITER: FRANK saCooS 7.0 “2 CHAOS CARD ; yy eee = woe saan eee wae 4 o ea : é é ! Y é a ye c [Regs CHA0s ¢ —¥ FHAOs CARD lo Bay CARD | a uid DA) von ny tteene si Of cat Mchenry ing tay | 35 i sin bite taang smog, | ee me : : if ta 800 ae -S Fh OG COLLECT $2 MILLION INLO.U.s AS YOU PASS. CENTRAL PARK Daylight Muggings Require ‘More Police Detoils. Cost: $2.5 million. HARLEM Slumlords Abondon Tenements, Fail To Pay Real Estote Toxes, Cost: $2 million PICK A CARD JBLAD Copyriaht © 2006 by E.C. Publications. Inc.)SIC TRANSIT GLORIOUSLY DEPT. Nowadays, Travel Agencies are packaging. all kinds of tours for all kinds of people with all kinds of special interests, all designed to help them relax, leave their tensions be- hind and have a good time. But that doesn’t make any sense. People work hard their whole lives developing their tensions, mainly in the form of their neuroses! Why should they want to give them up? The truth is... most people prefer to carry their neuroses with them! So why not design tours. specifically for them? Here we go again with another of SPECIALIZED TOURS FOR YOU AND YOUR NEUROSIS THIS ISSUE: THE HOSTILE PERSON'S 3-DAY TOUR OF NEW YORK Anrist. HARRY NORTH DAY1 Before departing for New York, you apply for Flight Insurance and get teed olf when you realize you're worth more dead than alive, At the Seat Selection Counter, you get steamed when they reluse to guarantee you won't be seated next to a Black, a Hippie or a Jew. On the fight, you'll have five channels of stereo to hate, and when you want to walk out on the lousy movie, they won't give you a parachute. You finally land at Kennedy Airport, New York, after citcling for an hour while (you're sure!) they clear the muggers off the runways. At the Bags Claim, you stop a sneak thief from g ‘bags, arid don’t fall for the line that he’s a “Skycap” —just because he has a uniform and badge. All you Know is he's Black, and that’s evidence enough for you! When you arrive at your hotel, you complain sbout your room, and get sore when the snotty Desk ‘Clerk Suggests you actually go up to your room and see it before you complain about it. That night, you dine in one of the city’s finest French Restaurants, ‘and you make a scene when the waiter brings you potato soup instead of Vichysoisse you ordered it because every time it gets to an interesting part, some jerk starts singing, Back at your hotel, you enjoy yourself for the first time when you turn on the Late Night TV News and see all the holdups and murders committed in N.Y. that day. WRITER, STAN HART JBLAD Copyriaht © 2006 by E.C. Publications. Inc.DAY2 Id tt ee You have breakfast in your room and eat it as the Bellhop watches you while waiting for a tip (he can stand there and rot forall you care!), then board a tour bus and get steamed because everyone else seems to be enjoying himself. You start your tour of hattan at Chinatown, the largest enncentration ‘mericans in the nation. You feel hostile because you know that 90% of these “Gooks" are covert Commies. From there, you pro- ceed to Wall Street, where you visit the famous Stock Exchanges and get livid with rage watching all that floor activity and knowing they're conspiring todrive down the price of the stocks you own sothey can rob you blind—Capitalist Commie Finks! Then to Green- Wich Village to visit quaint art galleries, bookstores and boutiques, where you get angry because the place is loaded with fags and you dare them to lay just ene finger on you. Uptown, you visit the Garment Center, where you become infuriated that a few Jews (practically just off the boat) dictate what American Womanhood should wear, thus undermining the character of our great nation and making it ripe for a Jewish-Com- mic takeover. Back into the bus for u trip up famous Fifth Avenue, where you feel a surge of white hot anger as you pass St. Patrick's Cathedral and realize the Pope is the real brains behind the city (in league with the Mafia, of course). That night, you dine at a famous Ttafian Restaurant and notice that most of the other patrons are Jewish, confirming your suspicions that they have infiltrated the Mafia, and those ramors about the Pope being Jewish aren't tobe dismissed lightly. DAYS “This is your day to explore cultural landmarks and historic sites of the city. After breakfast, which is cold because it was left ontside your door by the Bellhop, you travel by ferry to The Statuc of Liberty, where you get pissed when you read the inscription about sending us their refuse and their poor. Who needs a bunch of refugees pouring in and bastardizing our culture? Next, you take a sub- way ride and get furious when a legless beggar play- ing saxophone and asking for money rolls through the subway ear, and you know damn well he’s got a fortune and a pair of good legs stashed at home. ‘The subway takes you to The Museum of Natural History to see the “Ascent of Man" exhibit, and you get ticked because they teach kids Evolution, dlis- regarding the word of God found in the Bible. At the Planetarium, they turn out the lights so you ean see the "Celestial Show.” That’s what they say! ‘Actually, you know they do this so pickpockets on the city’s payroll can roam through the audience undetected and rob unsuspecting tourists. Next, you have a chance to get really fired up when you visit the U.N. and sce thoso foreigners running ‘around in their dopey clothes. You'll be heartened momentarily when you see and join a group pro- testing against the U.N., but your spirits will plunge when you realize you've joined a Zionist demonstra~ tion. You take a taxi back to your hotel, and are ‘outraged when the cabbie asks youif you's looking for some “action.” You get out of his cab without tipping him because you know that he actually plans to get you imo a compromising situation and then blackmail you, thereby silencing one who upholds “The American Way of Life” against the 8 million subyersives in New York City. That night, you fly home, justifiably furious that New York is a den of iniquity, dragging all of America down with it, Perpopu sem) mea pat MrT ace! JBLAD Copyright © 2006 by E.C. Publications. Inc.’REVERSE |S YET TO COME DEPT. Robert Burns said, “The best-laid plans of mice and men oft times go astray, and leave us naught but grief and pain for promised better when he poop?” With the Hoping to avoid making a serious mistake, you decide to hot even consider marriage until after you're thirty... You finally take the big step. You assume a ridiculously high morigage, and move into the house of your dreams... THE DECISION CY As you graduate from college, you promise soon with your best friends from saws es together * And Alfred E, Neuman put it even jow come everything I do turns 10 juotes in mind, here's a MAD look at DIECISI THE DISASTER After thirty, you find the only available dates are divorced guys Who are always broke because of chilé-support payments. ml HE Riis You get together sooner than you expected ..at McDonald's olace mainly heeause it's the jobs." eee 006 bY Erin cgautce i's the only place you can find jobs,ARTIST AND WAITER: LLOYD GOLA ON and DISASTER THE DECISION THE DISASTER You encourage your Kid to get a paper route so h Because his bike is always broken or the weather is always something about financial responsibility and indep F bad, you soon find you know the route as well as he does. THE DECISION THE DISASTER af me} IS ee =, J a GaN ( \ a : / SS i i ‘ean argest co <1 ‘You make up your mind to slave away at Art School in hopes ‘Years later, you find the only people who ever publish your of becoming a highly-paid, respected magazine illustrator. stuff are the idiots who run a low-paying infamous magazine. Copyright © 2006 by E.C. Publications. Inc.LAUGHTER-MATH DEPT. In the scientific world, it’s important to know formulas... like E=MC? and C + O2 = COz. Well, did you know that there are some D FORMULAS FOR ‘THE TWO FORMULAS FOR PARENTAL RAGE... 3QP=1 me THE FORMULA FOR DOMESTIC SPENDING .. 2 IBI= 1 WO oe. a i Gp THE FORMULA FOR DINING OUT... ITTBL x IHTFM x TPRLG X LSYWL = NSD CG i bay i The prime tbs ¥ 3 THE FORMULA FOR MEDICAL CARE.. TDIWAP + MAEATH + TMDTT + TBAE = IPA4I { “semeneesa There's been an 7 ‘emergency! JBLAD Copyright © 2006 by E.C. Publications. Inc.very precise formulas for pooplo in their dealings with one another? You didn’t?! Well, you're about to learn them ...as MAD presents... eNO CN ee ARTE TO ARAGONES THREE FORMULAS OF CALCULATED AFFECTION... 21LY =11DY Citive yout | Tite] o, 21DY = 1 ILFY (ig you! x 2 2 1LFY =11D { ust or you! aE Vi playa fouriront } a JBLAD Copyriaht © 2006 by E.C. Publications. Inc.‘THREE FORMULAS FOR SOCIAL DRINKING... 4TU =1 OMFIR fe ge ANY 4 4 OMFTR = WHE ‘ oo, , 2 THREE FORMULAS FOR WALL STREET REASONING .... 4 IJASO = WDFAR JBLAD Copyriaht © 2006 by E.C. Publications. Inc.THREE FORMULAS FOR ADVANCED DENTISTRY... 4 WEI = YNIAGW ere JBLAD Copyriaht © 2006 by E.C. Publications. Inc.THE FORMULA FOR COURTROOM OPTIMISM... THE FORMULA FOR CITY DOG CARE... 3SBWH = =1 eon Te ‘Somebody peter THE FORMULA FOR MOVEMENT IN THE MAJOR LEAGUES... WITTY + CFIY-+ WMYTDH + YPHAL + GOAWUTBP = WTTB) x BR (Sarees) F. BD een. JBLAD Copyriaht © 2006 by E.C. Publications. Inc.ARTMENT OF THE INFERIOR DEPT. During the past generation, America has acquired lots more people who have acquired lots more cars that they use to drive to lots more vacation spots like our National Parks. Meantime, the space set aside for National Parks has remained about the same. Small wonder that traffic through Yellowstone and Yosemite is now bumper-to-bumper, while the campsites are sleeping bag-to-sleep- ing bag. By coincidence, this country has developed « flock of new scenic wonders during the past generation that would easily fulfill our need for more National Parks. So why must we face more years of lousy vacations jammed into existing facilities when the Government can develop. AMTRAK MEMORIAL WAITING ROOM Chicago, Illinois Dedicated to the thousands who died of starvati siile waiting to make train conneetions here, th Vast National Park encompasses 73 acres of bard wooden benches, plus two inadequate rest roo White Sox pennants Rangers on duty state that the most © to visit the park is on Thursday morning whi Tuesday night train from Omaha som ARTIST; JACK DAVIS WRITER: TOM KOCH. THE LAKE ERIE NATIONAL Cleveland, Ohio This spacious Park Depa facility provides the visitor from less scenic areay with a rare chance to view old inner tubes, bottles and rot- ined guides are ghout the Summer mduct the Park's world famous “Dead Fish Walk hourly. Beachfront campsites are available to visitors who ean show proof of innoculs against typhoid, cholera all the other fatal illnesses that are common to the area:THE LAS VEGAS WILDLIFE REFUGE THE SUN BELT SENIOR CITIZEN PRESERVE Las Vegas, Nevada In this sanctuary extending over several square miles of parched desert floor, visitors can observe how old people behave when they are yanke ed down in sunny retire ups. Daily golf ions are staged for the entertainment of tour- ular shuffleboard fights Visitors aver the age of 65 sho Tean running ification tags” the Park itself, en for residents, w ‘odrink the stuff, quired to remain in the camps for life. iquarters to are forcibly re and have fun! SANTA BARBARA CHANNEL § OIL SLICK PRESERVE Santa Barbara, California otherwise blue Pacifi large blob of gook rat one of “The Seven Mai ers of the World. Rangers predic sludge will soon beco enough to permit tourists to walk to the Park from beaches, 52THE WALLEY GIRLS a HISTORICAL CAMPSITE S23 |, ‘alifornia shopping malls of the ‘70's, a natural habitat has bi stored for America’s dw of “authentic Colorful specimens can be spotted at the Fas Joints and grounds th Campsit they may find such conversa- tions to be grody to the max. WITHERSPOON FARM NATIONAL PARK THE LOVE CANAL TOXIC CHEMICAL PARK. Falling Falls, lowa East Tonawanda, New York rae hour's drive of Cedar was formerly the 180- a blocks of formerly ‘who don't m na. poisonow National Park after ith priests are on duty at the Park throu bill through Congress that e visitors dra ill from him b R ' 1S: JBLAD Copyright © 2006 by E.C. Publications. Inc.ree at A MAD LOOK LD Copyright © 2006 by E.C. Publications. Inc.AT OUR CITIES Poe Lua ccc ies Ant ea BT) Copyright © 2006 by E.C. Publications. Inc.42ND POLICE PRECINCT Case: 221-3 REPORT: File: a4 _ Responding to an anonymous phone call, officers "entered the garden of one Jack (s.k.s. Jack and tho Beanstalk) to investigate a suspicious-1o0king 300 ft. plant. Tho suspect claimed the plant graw with- out his knowledge or permission after he had cut down a 300 £t. beanstalk that had grown there before | (see case #12-D File #1). Samples of the new plant | proved to be of the cannabis family. The suspect clained that he thought it was Just another bean- stalk, although he admitted that smoking the leaves of the new plant was such better than smoking the ‘old beans. Ho also stated that, after snoking said Leaves, he could "clisb to the top of the new plant jwithout ever leaving the ground!” DISPOSITION: [suspect 4s now being held in tunicipal jail awaiting terial Commonwealth of Nostrand To THE HONORABLE JuDGE OF THE PROBATE Court In AND FoR THE COUNTY OF WUNZAPONATIME WITNESSETH WHEREAS, the complainant, Cinderella you Nostrand, horeby files suit for DIVORCE from respondent, Prince von Nostrand. phe Teasens for this action are contained, herewith: WHEREAS, the marriage of Cinderella anq the Prince was never consumuated. On the wedding night, the Prince went to bed with Cinderella's glass slippers, leaving the the £0 Sleep on tho couch, Since that time, the Prince and Cinderella have never shared @ bed, the former preferring to sleep with wedgles, loafers, tennis shoes, and opera pumps. WHEREAS, the P. amored of Cinderella's shoes, has refused to jet her wear any, thereby leaving her shee= less, a condition rinco, seeming so en~ ever after."? Well, de you iow jone, anyone at all, who lived happily ever after? | st can't be done, So what's all this nonsense about fic- tional characters ending up that way. In fact, MAD has come across some evidence refuting that myth completely. Which brings us to this article which states snidely . . . OFFICE OF THE CITY MARSHAL NOTICE OF EVICTION TO BE SERVED UN 01a Lady mo Lives ‘Tn Keown a Viera TO: sane Doe (aiias: the A Shoe), horerith to be TO BE SERVED BY: thos "act with to be known as EVICTOR BE IT KNOWN TH. vourt to direct that Preise: Can, nere- IAT: Evictor requests the he Evistee vacate sald a. latge shoo. located on Nursery Lane ntho Puspicin Snell", a disco ren’by' one "eter. Evictor contends that the Evictos in untit tenant, and states the following 1. Bviotee's children are lett for the most part without adult supervision, there bet ing co maay of them, the Old Lady doesn't know what to do. 2. Eyiotes ie an unwed other many tises over, thoro being no Fatner of any children on SCRE eet mae erie roa, therebye reducing property values NIT SAVE OUR COMMU 4 FROM URBAN BLIGHT Siesta es THRE PIGS Ce INSTRUCTION co to cease and desist building bean bk ee nr id pit, at see ngs mee ea kee bling wd i SF Oe ae dorioa echt asider your plans fora a i a eto frie vod the community. Not all of us wa oe Meee pies! If this problem i nt solved peacefully, we will be foreed to take it to the courts, be thrown to the wolves wind tract developn will surely.‘Anmigy: 808 CLARKE ) THEY LIVED HAPPILY — WANTED! For Fraud and Misappropriation of Funds night cub stripper Thateher, ee * (eeal nome un- "The Huck’ ar tras is it ae, ea Sl eso sawyer has « hi ~;and onthe local ssere, atthe soneational Snow White Tal the Prosecution continued its case agnnst the Prince, Snow White and tei allaged co-conspirator, the Seven Dwar, nis otterpt to prove that hey ran the Biggest porno filmmaking operation inthe country. Contending thatthe Prince Induces Snow White and her litte fiends to make explet sex mavies wen the Prince tll upon hard times, ater being stripped at his wealth and title bythe People's Htevolution the couple feces charges of “Obscenity” and “Contributing tothe Bolinqvency of Underezed People.” The tral ‘cms its third week tomorrow with the expested toctimony cf sleepy wnich coule be very damaging tote defendants when he vil Be saked toexpain why hes o red al the time. ANd ow SPECIAL BULLETIN U.P.S. 55-890 356 Henrietta "Henny" Penny, known throughout the Mid-West for spreading false rumors about the world coming to an end in order to commit larceny and burglary, cre ated a near riot in Indianapolis, In- diana, todey when she shouted ‘The Martins are coming!" on a municipal bus. Despite the fact that the alleged Martians turned ‘out to be six Hesidic Jews raturn ing from Synagogue, the driver end passengers fled the bus, whereupon Henny and her hench- men stole the vehicle, later selling, it for $27,000. If you happen to observe @ short, fat female hen screaming “The sky Is falling" or some such nonsense, call the F.B.l. immediately, or just call somebody, since the F.B.1. is probably tapping your phone any- wey! ’ h_Penny —30 LD Copyright © 2006 by E.C. Publications. Inc.BLEND RUN DEPT. Economie conditions being what they are latel: i ions being. y ly, many businesses h ci oxe way to survive ination and other problems is by joing fovees with the competitors and pooling resonrees, Local newspapers have been merging for years: WHEN POPULAR PUB IF THE NATIONAL ENQUIRER Merged with THE WALL STREET JOURNAL “THE WALL STREET ENQUIRER | LARGEST SELLING SCHLOCK BUSINESS NEWSPAPER IN AMERICA $4 President Of Amalgamated Steel To Marry Minnesota Dwarf ‘An Exciting Medical Discovery By Exxon Oil—Low Gasoline Prices Can Cause Cancer page 37 ween Timely Tips From J. Paul Getty— How To Make A Million Dollars A Day Even After You're Dead page 74 eeeaee A Visit To The World's Most Profitable Garbage-Recycling Plant—CBS Tolovision City poge 19 peers Confessions of Mrs. Lee A. Toococca—"You Think He Was Boring Chrysler Commercials? 1 During His Marriage poge 30 JBLAD Copyriaht © 2006 by E.C. Publications. Inc.0 haye automobile companies. And in recent years airlines have been doing the same thing. With all this happening, can national publications be far behind? MAD feels it's only a matter of time before we'll see what might happen LICATIONS MERGE ARTIST: JACK RICKARO WRITER: LARRY SIEGEL ee INCREDIBLE BEHIND THE SCENES NOW THIS IS TRULY At a posh Manhattan eatery the other night, E. F, Hutton spoke and a Playboy bunny listened. Unfortunately so did his wife. She gets their Florida estate and cus tody of the children, he gets to keep Wall Street... The President of the Bank of America is having second thoughts about the U.S. banks’ current industry-wide minority-hiring program, It seems a Gypsy bank teller they hired at a San Diego B. of A. branch recently is not only telling for- tunes by reading scenic checks, but she and 43 members of her family are living in one of the vaults CALIFORNIA — Hollywood Corporation accountant Ber- ad Gorshin can VEE hooks ofall major ft studios tnd three major TV. networks, shite simultaneously proving iat no fm o lest Sho Inthe past 25 years bas ever made f dime. Want to see hmething even more ineredi- tie? Tun wo Page 29 and see 3.000 THotlywood. writers, ators and directors with prot itsharing plans. all getting Srewed atthe same time fe the Estranged Wife Of President Of Amalgamated Steel To Marry Minnesota Dwarf Condolences are in order for the family of the late supermarket tycoon, Monte Hal- burton. As Monte was being honored at @ testimonal dinner last week, one of the wheels g in the lighted birthday cake started moving crazily in all directions, sending the cake crashing to the floor and IT LOOKS LIKE WEDDING BELLS FOR MRS. THURSTON starting a fire that was fatal to Halburton, MERIWETHER AND HER LOVELY FIANCE, ZIPPO Supermarket shoppers may call it poetic (Okey, so we td onthe front poge. Big deol. We'e too rch these days fo justice, we call it murder... Congratu worry about lows) to the Board Chairman of AT&1 fogs JE BY Copyright © 2006 by E.C. Publications. Inc.If PLAYBOY Merged With FIELD & STREAM... (Field& PLAYBOY | ak a RESON OFTHE MATON E Tw rae ee SES OS ee TON rom Aiton —_— If NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC Merged With MAD... | ed EF = DEAR FIELD & PLAYBOY DEEP SEA DELIGHTS Like other ip, urban anglers who cu on to fish, 1 like to thank you anys for some of the most ‘exciting photo layouts ever, In recent issues ("The Nude Tuna," Nader Maclin," ™ ‘Nuder Bass")! w you think you can ever top anything like that for sheer mind-blowing sex? Rick Zibindin Bangor, Maine Jutdge for yourself, Rick. Here's our next month's feature. "The Even Still Nuder Rainbow Trou.” So POX ON Your ox TMENT DEPaR MAD GEOGRAPHIC’, imalsyan Yak Mordor Thavear eer OF STICK uP FoR Yo. Deranrmenr UR RITES FROM Dawn To Department | USK JBLAD Copyriaht © 2006 by E.C. Publications, Inc —————____. = 2 meeDEERLY BELOVED THE FIELD & PLAYBOY ADVISOR bane who ha seas en 1 nese frm wher it comes. Howeves i my shooting Tyalls of ous howe have become 80 ect rg pme ead hate ter yay wie a eit ough So I bowed to her wihes and sid naa pence gm coca. Beene of it Se et (and busting budly) Fs. Timothy ea eetsm has tnetened ne with excommoni ee erm ihe autch, What shosld do? aa es —R.V., Fargo, North Dakota Lam a devout Catholic S:AQBAVId 8 aIaid Wile wet FIELD & PLAYBOY neither conden on sy sci religious practice, we ander ant ee i, Like cobra so eee tout 0 ty the rota mod of bunting. By firing HINOW 3HL 40 a1vWAvid ve 10 worry about mu play your cards right). Her xs econd (i have to worry ab she pie ie ae! sets se re in i wn nel _BURYBURY DEPT. U1 you've ever seen Don Rickles on TV, you know how acid-tongued he ean be, Which got us to thinking what could happen it people al (evoraphical areas takes ke him. Mainly, here's what i'd be ike IF THE HIGH PRIESTS OF THE MALEKULA ISLANDS CONDUCTED FUNERAL RITUALS LIKE DON RICKLES ‘There he i, Mr. Frozen-Face himselt.'m talking about yous, iummy, siting by the tee, not the corpse. Next to you the looks like Charo caught up ina runaway vibrator, ‘What's your name, hockey puck? What's the matte, these ‘Questions too tough for you? Okay, you dum-dums wane ‘tart passing the laplap so we can appease the gods, ‘and then we'll st fire to the rhamberamb Oh see the Big Namba chief, Tabwibalembank, is with tus tonight. You're looking great, Tabby. No one could ever tell ou got yaur face caught in an armadillo trap 5-EYE VIEW DEPT. LIGHTER SIDE OF LEPER CO!HERE COMES THE PITCH DEPT. Today, in ord i ign i qe a or ae compels min ore impos American automobile makers are q us te n etter cars. And Di ving tens are ncclag se 05 Dey We too fon ake -of-one” SALES INCENTIVES FOR OTH A PROMOTION LETTER FROM THE FATHER OF A HARD-TO-MARRY DAUGHTER AW AD FOR AN EMPLOYMENT JZAINIUIZNR 23 * y Ae Ss Sandca Peebfer tn The $260,000 Pfetter Family Marriage Sweepstakes Dear Mr Frabbischer, Congratulations! You may have already won yourself Congrathle Brido, worth $250,000 1n Pfelter Tool Se Dye Company stock alone...and. at the Set time, oe eviamen you can become & mnember of one of the wr st popular and widely-read-about families 1% Focine Wisconsin ...and land yourself ¢ job a8 & $50,000 a year Executive in the family bust ness! +o ootoos unis news strike you, Mr. Prabbischer, OU tne in your home at 12 Oak kd. Stump, Wah? eee daginel A wonderful wife of incredible value hand-picked for you and no one but you (OF Tee of the other six million carefully selector people ae or from 10,000 telephone books around the fountry)! Marry her and make all your dreams (and coeernenaly littie dream of mine) come trust Fun, Mr Prabbischer? You bet! Rasy, Mr. Frabbischer? And how! Rasy. Mnember, you don't have to marry Sandra dayne Pfeffer to be a big winner. SIMPLY ‘check the AUR or "NO" box below, and leave the rast. tome Very truly yours, ARE V Here we are hopelessly over- stocked with more than 50 White Anglo-Saxon Pro- testant job appli- cants, when, as any fool can tell you, in today's equal opportunity ‘employment mar ket, the only peo- ple being hired for the desirable po- sitions in banks and business firms are Blacks Latinos, Orientals and Arabs. Waldo Emerson Pfeffer Father of the Bride ‘eit we've: ied to otst toe the areatest casn- stung tes dea of the century. Bj taking these tur keys: ot! our hands, YOU BEN. ceri BB, This offer expires, hopefully, before T do! yes Lit am definitely NO Cram not interested xigrested in the oppor- in marrying Sandra tunity to marry Sandra, dayne feller, Dut I'd still Sayne Pfeffer andreapall like +o nave that Sethe subsidiary benefits $30,000-a-yeX" job in Cron go with iti should the family ‘business! I live like a King! should live so long! ARNSW/ORTEH New York Newport JBLAD Copyriaht © 2006 by E.C. Publications. Inc'"°**sales and “your-money-back-if-not-satistied” deals. Yep, we are being inundated with attractive sales incentives in hopes that we'll be suckered into buying un- wanted products, Which got us wondering what might happen if they started using ER HARD-TO-MOVE ITEMS ‘AN AD PLACED BY A VERY DESPERATE PET SHOP OWNER AGENCY UNEXPECTEDLY CAUGAT OFF-GUARD VANE Y Wats SALE VE EMBARRASSED! © Hire a white Phd trom Yale to sweep out your bank and change the calen- dar AND GET A SAN JUAN JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATE AS A LOAN OF- FICER... 1 She's an extraor- tricks like rolling ball of varn, and he drop of a hat, en That's why T want to FOR HALF OUR REGULAR FEE! © Hire 2 white Pathologist from Johns- Hopkins to carry bedpans in your hos pital giving birth to Kittens at Uh while I'm writing this ad repeat this sensational offer. BUY ONE CATY GET 31 Free) Think of all the fj with these 37 kates AND GET A LIBYAN CAMEL VETERI- NARIAN SURGEON AS HEAD OF YOUR CARDIO-VASCULAR DEPARTMENT... FOR HALF OUR REGULAR FEE! ‘Hire a white CPA from the Chrysier Corporation to wash your windows AND GET A VIETNAMESE “MCDON- ALD'S EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH” AS HEAD OF YOUR PLANT'S PAYROLL DIVISION... AT HALF OUR REGULAR FEE! reat compan. iny days, and being mugged a © (0 worry ab Some night by acmai eorty about b ahome heey &3mall mouse, Besides tte ittens stalin ot Kitow what it's ike ener jeve me, {ts ut? ® bag and thrown in 6,48 crm? Ot Pretty sight! So what denn 6 you And there’s more! Lot's more! But don't forget, this ic a limited offer! Grab those WASPS while they're desperate! Just peanuts! THON SCHNABBLE* et ecrth Avene ant na eS PEL SHOP: MIPLOW IML ENCE OFT tear re Chicago Palm Beach ¥ ql Beverly Hills Death Valley JBLAD Copyright © 2006 by E.C. Publications Inc”‘AN AD PLACED BY THE OWNER OF A DISASTROUS BASEBALL TEAM Ee SENSATIONAL SIX MONTHS FREE TRIAL OFFER! own Major League Unfortunately, fm not! And thats why next best thing to. Major There's your chance (0 ner of your very How would you like t0 be the Baseball Team? So would I! the only thing 1 can offer you i the Tcgaue Baseball Team! In other words. OWNERS SAN OME PADRES! Tmterend. but afraid of the rk? EXTRA ADDED BONUS ImerestedaeGet in on ahs Ani oP ours when you hay Stop worrying (Oth, Free Thal San Diego Padres, you also pe rite Six Mont Jicam, yar great periorming chicken 10 Offer! Simply bvy remand {¢ not only cavort in te stands Jur theme mot completely satisfied take home with . ‘He's wonder ing games, but 10 2 a mepenonnel and youn the evening ‘cur al ase your money Tulfun or kidie pues. and Hes Feed tno questions asked! tu Curate companion (0 have ‘fround the house to cheer you up fier such things as a death in the family ‘Still interested? You bet you fare! Simply fill in the coupon Tit the Padees is yours in ix Month Pree Trial full coaching ial 4 ron office. and an entire tall poyetem. you get the most sola apoup of pitchers in base PoRNour dont take our word for Say hitter in the Le A vicina favorite pitehing stall wg hel tell you the Padres) EUS ao $450,000-2-year in Pater, baning 334 (16) each atecndy to go on the fee Tn addition it; ask att Utear Se. am interested in getting 01 | YELLOW TEETH 5 DizriNeReaT OF TASTE ABtuTY Diseuprn ine tl A PITCH FOR A SLOW-MOVING MAGAZINE ‘AN AD FOR A FAILING CIGARETTE BI $10.00 OFFER! Here’s your ch. Here’ your chance to enjoy sok: ing one of Americas reat cpa. Hes and net 10.0) besides Clip three the Surgeon «lip three of the Strgeon Gencesls Warnings printed on ever Kants,and mail them tos eae coupon below, Weil mal you ack 3 oUpon worth $1000 toward oh a your next Chest X-ray, - i ood in any ck ospital or doctor's office. andl may be transterred ta ea ee 31st, just ding. he of 1g he oF room when you ur tee packs wf Kants snot makers of Kans want you to Know that we're as concemed with Ith as you are. So Tight up, HOW and get starte rs farted toward your Enclosed Enclosed are my three 5 cral’s Warnings urReon Gen- cain ath!ngs: Send me: my’ $10.00, NAME ADDRESS SYMPro| couGHI ING & MS 1 Now HAVE: 3 ING © WHE! c © ING 5 WHEEZING Ori ZINES LOSS Cos VE HACKING AND. BARC KANT CIGARETTES Pssst! Hey kid! C’mere! Got a ite. deal for ya! For today, and today only if you Duy a copy of MAD, I'l et you have a peek at this month's Payboy ‘centerfold at no extra charge!) let you draol over i for a whole five minutos! Heck, | Hike you, kid, so I'm [gonna go even one bet ‘Super Special, and I'lllet you look through an entire ‘ssue of Hustler! ’2 fantastic deal ike this for $2.50?! rn market wo eae ars. | ee we on ST at sa nere you | Sem noe rome tn | a este wth yo Family Gar | fe py said ale ne ss | ing Sunday double-hea and | You pom to retum my mney 18, | fag sunny Souter | cee wind 1 not ecgesion—FLS-,, | | of alle cong ce | wae oustanding Corton abou | | an re eR ead cimaes | OWES | FES ta inte | meme The Mumavice of Mri seres | eet sDerran asia | in October! i JBLAD Copyriaht © 2006 by E.C. Publications. Inc. uy this MAD Whaddye say, Kid? Where you gor na getIT’S PLOTS UPFRONT...DEPT. ‘The average American spends more than % of his waking hours in front of a TV set. watching silly “entertainment” —a category that may not even include “Sixty Minutes” or “Wall Street Week.” The worst thing about this waste of time is that it really isn’t necessary. MAD has found that a mere handful of besic plots exist in all of television. Thus, with a little practice, anyone can guess how an hour-long story is bound to unfold after watching only the first two or three minutes of it. Obviously, plot-spotting is a desirahle skill to master because it allows you to monitor your fa- vorite shows while freeing you to do other things for 68 minutes out of every hour. So stick with ts, and welll demonstrate how to analyze the opening scenes of typical programs and turn them into TV SHOWS YOU DON'T NEED TO FINISH WATCHING ..... Tysok,Oaringl Another | [Yes: enormous | Walt ——$———" Hey INSTANT PLOT SUMMARY | Many Sewing an || wosithy ana ia ainttviie [ fpancariearara] | unatever "Scoping utorsos!! | | Soest postion =f | Latoonh iStnissimy, | | ¥9488% | Already, you can be sure thot {p imenrs BO have the ie freepan pane fy| =" | The beanies et | actors erie it eT || tla | let new hasbond, hes © dark, Horetress. Teen | bout | hidden past in which she wos ee Ae creat a elmer (a) 2 dance ell Moozy, ey) Ny {b) on enderworld gun moll or i {e) « notorious unwed mother. I Having been spotted by @ slimy cteap who knew et her for mer questionable ite, she wil immediately becom a toget for Blackmall. This netualy wil force her fo hite an expensive ate eye for engaging in car hes, shooting most of the ster guests in the hotel and inning the eventual forgive nate of her ters husband { Howeome| | Because your [Terabie news, folks! Holy mackerel! atte country | | tryout. |] of kids hors 5 : SE ee eat he take Club allies! ar | |_ing around! horhood kids have a jazz combo. Tia’ _ Now it's sure thing thet they oo will all be miraculously rushed to the county dub on shart no- tie, And aven more miraculously, fey! all be wearing, identical tuxedos, Bur most miraculous of all, the kids will play better than Benny Goodman in his prime. And this, of course, will set up the final happy scene where Dad ‘resives the club's Golden olf Shoe Award for hls. brillint Work as Enteriainment Chairman. gxthirty-seven Inningst Now ave to drive You guys g0.0n with: ‘out met | promised my wife'd look up ner | unele while I'm here ot tha convention! deserted country rose wher ody’'s asleep for miles around! ‘An, don't be a wet blanket, Sia! We've Bot reservations at the most exelusive rightelub in town! ‘Out of gas! Now we) ave to wait here til the milk truck comes ‘throu in the mn = tculdn't nave come} aye { Hey. THIS ientan || anh, don't bo a wet ‘exclusive nightel Fal Misieactep tease Pale | joint! KNEW! | % everything that goes ‘on Nereis ILLEGAL! Asp like somebody WATCHIN" blanket, St I INSTANT PLOT SUMMARY Obviously, a UFO is about to op- pear, because space creatures on 1V clways oppear whenever they spot o salled car on o deserted rood of 4 RM. That's so. their victims will be loughing stocks when they report a flying saucer, but con’ produce any witnesses. In fect, you can bet thet nobody will believe the story except an eccentric college professor. in Act ill, the professor will find ‘© strange mesiage engraved on a tetal disc at the landing site. But the stupid cops will claim it's just @ lerge "yo-yo" with Chinese printing on” it, leaving the UFO mystery still unsolved. A INSTANTPLOT SUMMARY This dull story has many varia- tions, all of which seem In the next scene, the will be further embarrassed when a. chorus git! elther (a) falls im his lp, (b) coyly muse: fs his hair or (¢) throws him her garter. t that very moment, he will realize he's been spot- fed by (a) is wife's uncle, (b) his_wite's minister or («) his wife's minister's uncle. In the final hilarious scene, the stor will cither (a) beg his friends to vouch for him, (b) beg his wife to believe him or (¢) beg his pet dog fo share the mutts sleeping place under the porch. |\[ting«eoncted shop literto be yourstock roum boy realy boosts ‘our Juvenile Delinquent Rehabilitation Program, Timgiad to help, Sergeart! A bright Tad ike Shitty ‘shouldn't be penal 2] ized for making fone small mistake INSTANT PLOT SUMMARY Tm 1, { “This tired ide invaricbly be- comes a 3-cct, one-hour story that no trained plot-guesser reed waste time watching. In Ad the cops. will that 6 stockroom employ criminal record. In Act tl, the clean-cut young. parolee will be tossed in the slammer despite his plea of innocence. In Act ill, his accuser will, sheepishly "admit she found hher purse in her desk drawer where she left it. In the elos- ing tag, the fine young tad Is welcomed beck to the store and sppointed Manager of the Men's Belt and Suspender Department.INSTANT PLOT SUMMARY ‘Athis tial seven | [Maybe He probably won't years azo, ne vowed || we i 1 fS) try! But we'd bot thathe'd kilthe |/should |) |) "Howeauld Mad Doz | | parkoutin front fora |g Naturally, Mad Dog won't even Dog. || woman who testified || do a snavely routine few weeks, just incase! |) stop to change socks before he buys @ gun and steals a ear (or ina slight variation, steals gun ond buys a car) and arrives, seeking revenge. Also, naturally, the cops on stakeout will go to lunch ten seconds before he gets there, This will enable him to get inside the houre and hold the woman hestage for half the show while the pole, his Moth- er and an Irish priest try to reason with him by bullhorn. In the final scene, the co-stars — who defy a superior officer's orders — will capture him by coming up through the plumbing, fever find mo here?” are tats net f| INSTANT PLOT SUMMARY eounterfat That's Kl] t gotta cll al re ein diem l|my pats conn atthe | sien every comedy show in TV Fart apathy Codec ort ‘an episode in which the ing Nerd finds a rare coin, you know that he always loses it by dumbly dropping it into. a pay phone. Since this. specific « funny biget, you snow thatthe phone sent out fo retrieve the coin is either (a) Black, (6) Puerto fica or (q) most humorous of al, « Black Puerto Rican, This provides for some cthnic, jokes” before the Nerd loses hs treasure again in the last act 50 the writers won't hhave to explain why he's still Poor on the next week's show. | Vhaaryou got an inuRtation | ‘Surprisell | [~ But! led! She INSTANT PLOT SUMMARY teyouhigh echo runent | asin The| tre Reyna wean eaucy | | “aes Gcreeaca rertgeurela || Piewoud Cnispadin| | more tree! ofa ten Bitirend agains the one | | ‘ost too serezran| | one’Sne'nesthe|. | faunt || Mest asurediy, the former Pr Seimawan tates sbout| | ota Soi fest | Queen wil play her shallow: —— inate tat nose of thorctr tt the reunion p By coming on strong forthe mar ried former coptain of the foot- ball team. Meanwhile, our hero will hide in a comer’ where he will moot « shy female classmate hiding in the same corner. They ‘will discover that they re both In addition, they share tan interest in ecology, recorder music ond checkers. In the last scene, they will become engaged just as the Prom Queen catches hher bus back to Toledo, a where she is still a 2 and a divorced mother of eight. or (7\/ BOOKKKZPING DEF Zz, ge BM Copyright © 2006 by E.C. Publications. Inc.LEXICON JOB DEPT. Much as we hate to cause panic, we must warn you that very few people go through life without being forced to make at least one public speech, In fact, if you attend a school, join a club, promote a cause or do anything at all except hide in your room with the shades pulled down, yout fearful ‘moment in the spotlight is fast approaching. Most reluctant public speakers prepare for the ordeal by researching their subject, then buying books of jokes and philosophy to punch MAD’S DO-IT-YOURSELF ‘wren: TON KOCH My Fellow _[] n happy to be speaking here today because T al- 2}. Glaneing around this audience, I am encouraged to see [3]. On an occasion such as this, Tam naturally reminded of the words of [4] —, who once said [5] ‘That remark certainly proves that my topic for today cannot be —_[§]—. But before proceeding to air the issue completely, I would first like to [7 [iknow that all of you who took time from your busy schedules to come here would agree that [8]. In discussing a subject as complex as this one, I presume I should begin by [9] —. But regardless of how we approach the matter, I'm sure we all agree hat fi]-—. Such an attitude indicates that we live in trying times when even so-called intellectuals scarcely pause hefore [fi] —. In perilous days like these, T advise each of you to —_{{g]| —. ‘To close on a lighter note, I would like to recount a humorous incident that occurred many, many years ago to —[13]__. He chanced to see an elderly man burning papers in the park one day during the long, terrible [J]. Upon being asked to explain his actions, the old gentleman turned to face his ques- tioner and calmly replied, ff] Tn much the same vein, T now lea most sincere [Ig] you with my ‘Thank you and Gawd Bless! FILL BLANK SPACE #1 FROM THIS GROUP A, seekers of knowledge B. victims of disaster CC. members of the human race D. individuals more than three feet tall TILL BLANK SPACE #2 FROM THIS GROUP. A. aperson who doesn’t require much to be happy. B. a truclover of ontology, whatever that is, . someone who has lots of clever things tosay. D. being irresistibly attractive to members of hoth sexes. FILL BLANK SPACE #5 FROM THIS GROUP A. so many dedieated students of ontology, whatever that is. B, somany groovy girls who obviously aren’t wearing brascieres, . that almost half of you are still awake. D. that no oneis starting to throw rocks at me yet FILL BLANK SPACE #4 FROM THIS GROUP. A. Plato B. Jack Klugman C. My Aunt Birdie D. That older guy on “Three's Company” FILL BLANK SPACE #5 FROM THIS GROUP ‘aller people than T have ied and failed.” You can't tell a fish by its voice on the telephone.” ©. “Ifyou want a job done right, hire someone ta do it.” D. “We are the victims of our own ontology, whatever that is.” B, FILL BLANK SPACE #6 FROM THIS GROUP A. overestimated. B. brushed aside, much as we'd like to, . left forsome future generation toignore. D. explained to thosé who only understand smoke signals. JBLAD Copyriaht © 2006 by E.C. Publications. Inc.up their remarks with a little humor and wisdom. However, profound, yet contains enough multiple choice variations to MAD assures you that there is an easier way. See, the main keep yours from sounding exactly the same as the one given thing to remember about speeches is: no one really listens by every other MAD reader. Thus equipped, you're ready to to them. So all you need is one all-purpose talk that seems face the world (or even an auditorium full of people) with ALL-PURPOSE SPEECH FILL BLANK SPACE #7 FROM THIS GROUP FILL BLANK SPACE #12 FROM THIS GROUP A. find out if anyone knows what itis. A. demand your weekly allowance B. giveall of you a chance to in Krugerrands. come up with a better idea. B, do something about your breath, C. take a moment to go to the bathroom. C. turn Catholic so you can count . entertain you by whistling “Anchors on getting a job as.a priest. Aweigh” through my nose. D. remember that no birth control system is 100% guaranteed. FILL BLANK SPACE #8 FROM THIS GROUP A. you'd havea less busy schedule to worry baited gon edt beirae bere TILL BLANK SPACE #13 FROM THIS GROUP B. those who grabbed seats close to the ‘A. John D. Rocketell exit are the lucky ones. »- John D. Rox kefel ler. C. you're in the wrong r00m for the girls’ Wisi Nc B, en aiats aay any lamponaie D. Henry Winkler, than bondage or whipping. FILL BLANK SPACE #9 FROM THIS GROUP. FILL BLANK SPACE #14 FROM THIS GROUP A. breaking it down into small pieces that don’t make sense cither. A. Stalingrad Battle of 1943. B. opening my briefcase to see if the B, Tampa Ray Losing Streak of 1976, ‘Thermos inside is leaking. G. Garbage Collectors’ Strike of 1497 G. havinga coughing ft while Ttey D. Hay Fever Epidemic of 1904 to think of what to say. D. admilting that Ileft my prepared noleson the bus, WiC HEANICPACR #10 FAOAT THES CROUE FILL BLANK SPACE #15 FROM THIS GROUP A, “Get out ofhere and take your horsie with you!” . “Going top speed on a moped is like kissing your sister.” . “There's more than one way to pluck a chicken.” . “This town isn’t bigenough for both of us, Buster.” A. apple pie without Our Flag and Motherhood is just another pastry B. B. the Cincinnati Reds need a first- rate relief pitcher. c C. tho weirdos who are out to got us must be stopped. D. D. thissure would be a nice day fora picnic. FILL BLANK SPACE #11 FROM THIS GROUP ing hat nana ta oR FILL BLANK SPACE #16 FROM THIS GROUP litter of Great Dane puppies, A. wishes fora happy and B. accepting an appointment to prosperous New Yeat. the U.S. Supreme Court. B. hope that you've all C. buying cookies from any kid who learned your lesson. claims to be a Girl Scout. . faith in the future of mankind. . pulling their teeth to win a D. belief that Joe Namath will never : Leon Spinks Look-Al .e Contest. star in another TV comedy series, JBLAD Copyriaht © 2006 by E.C. Publications. Inc.BARD TO DEATH DEPT. WILLIAM SHAKESPEAR "Go hang your. selves alll” condition!” | "...ineternal [Wepeust banal ines” ARTIST: JACK RICKARO “Cancel and tear [| “Thou unneces- | {some smack] PF) vand atthe | ames." ||] topieces...” saryletter” [Ml of age... ty Kk. "| rest forget.”E...AT THE POST OFFICE itis never good ff “Performance . to bring bad news, “Which of you [f"Men nat know: Ihave done this?” fing what they do.” MotAMERICAN TELL AND SELL DEPT. Traditionally, tho Phone Company sells space in its Yellow Pages to any business person who wants to brag about his services, or who merely gets a charge out of seeing his name in print. But what about us poor slobs who aren’ allowed to buy an ad in the Directory simply because we don’t ‘own a business? Quite unfairly, we have to settle for a simple listing IF THE PHONE BOOK’S WHITE ‘SABOTSKI, BRUNO L. Went To Keep On Thinking All Fat People Are Jolly? THEN DON’T CALL BRUNO AFTER TEN P.M! 4418 W, Prodmeyer ‘SALTONSTAVER, MRS. SADIE TALKATIVE NEIGHBORLY TYPE INVITES CALLS ANYTIME FOR Meat Loaf Recines—Cold Sore Cures~Boring Chit-Chat 7 W. Fernsprinkle BLebbermouth 7-1159 ‘SANCHEZ, SIKTO OCTAVIO 1 Coulda Bean Welterweight Champ in 1949 Call And Ask Me To Tell You How | got (Cheated. Never A Charge To Listen To Me, Sisto, Se Habla Espanol 3137N, Bolmundi ‘SAVLOK, MILOVAN IF YOU DIAL MY NUMBER AND DON'T SPEAK SERBIAN, YOU'RE WASTING YOUR TIME! 56 W. Ustashi St. OLdcountry 53343 ‘SCEBBARD, W. C. (TUBBY) MAngler 31277 PUnchdrurk 4.5522 Shimmel, Myra W. 2287 W. Lumpard LOnelyheart 8101 Sou my dipay aon pace ‘SCHLIPPKUS, LESTER ‘CROSSWORD PUZZLE ADDICT lt Ls For Dolan OF de Labte& Mallat Old Loonie’s Home Windbag 3.9985 SCHREPLY, HERMAN DON'T LEAVE MESSAGES FOR ME WITH MY BROTHER ‘CAUSE FE GETS EM NESSED UP! 47. Palfrey, Sibling 3.7842, Ext. 2 SCHREPLY, SHERMAN (DON’T ASK ME TO TAKE MESSAGES FOR MY BROTHER ‘CAUSE! AIN'T HIS SOCIAL SECRETARY! 47 N. Palfrey Slbling 37842, Ext. 1 SCHULTZ, MRS. ERMA wisest i 570-28 S, Dimmout Utterbox 'SCHUPPER, GIMPY C. PERSISTENT PANHANDLER ‘SHAKESPEARE, WILLIAM icy ot te Same One 3 Hon About iin Jp recat ‘762 E. Stratford Richard lt 33333 ‘SHUNBOOM, MRS. MINNIE EXPERIENCED GOSSIP SPREADER Spacing nthe 3800 block of Nort Sunnyvale 3851 N. Sunnyvale PRattle 2.3739 SKAAR, MERTON V. ENJOY HEARING SAXOPHONE PRACTICE? vainace ata 5629 , Marzipan OFF ‘SKUDWAY, BERNARD: sole Eo Meas diy norte To ae Yee Mane "inoue Sage phot deter eng, Yow eas oui fon he “esate a Qe Bacer 1 YOU an TO TAKE A uae FaNWWO THE RGR SOURS HATE TO THROW OUT LEFTOVERS? CALL Ald Having Ma Botha Noy Ce, The Street 22 E, Wallaby Flatwallet 6-2137 aay SCEBBAND 70 COME EAT THAT ‘Sp Aaah ele dee Sa ey EXTRA PORTION! Flophouso Hotol DRifter®2309 — Slomp, Randy, | ay Tevet xpensos_ Nothing Rolusee Be Tuml>s ——Sepling, E. C., Paranoid ‘72219. Forkprong LOadzafun 58838 128 N. Loblolly Lardo 5-1102 Refuses to give address Unlisted Phone ‘SLURFNY, BECKY JANE ‘SCHERMER, ERMER W. ‘SESSBONE, GRAND DRAGON BILLY ROY ARES SLES YOURE NO A TE TEST, TEATS TEAR “owESUY Wom gzascor | RR. 2, S0x186 EAneCh 5702 | snr maa ta eit ts lal My 24-Hlow HotFine With Job OMfers Now! ‘Shabblick, Mrs. Bertha, ‘Start With 2 Dependents—Grt More As You Need ‘Fm, 327 E. Smiley Highpressure &-4401 628 N. Moss Wilinemore 83030 | 37 N. Titlebaum _ PRomiscuous 7-2882 TIRED OF STRIKING ‘CUT LONG DISTANCE COSTS ON CALLS TO YOUR OUT WITH GIRLS? NAGGING MOTHER, PHONE MRS. ADA SHABB INSTEAD CALL MYRA SCHIMMEL Stop Fealing Guilt-Ridden Because Mom's Too For Away For Those AND Wechy "Duty Coll To Hear Her Complain, 1 Case Your Conuloce Locally With My Fee Monlogue Fotuing Fei dante YoNR LG cally With My Free Monlogue Featuring Feild Remarks On Such + Dates On Short Notice | + Obscene Phone Cals Accepted Dutch Treat” Financing Available | “The West Side's Most | Desperete Spinstr Since 1952” Vivactous a Turns 72 || AlltHeads At A Recent ‘Socal Event DAY OR NIGHT PHON! BRAD Copyright © 2006 by EC. Publications Inc'’S Subjects A unrmeareo ues ¢ i Atcoun wanna Fs Let My Whimpetng eur bul To fot CALL WHinemore 8-3030in the White Pages, even if we're willing to pay for a more gaudy display. MAD believes that individuals also can have messages to pass along to their fellow phone subscribers, not o mention egos to gratify. So why not lat them advertise if they're willing to pay for it? Who knows? Why it might even go so far as to reduce service charges for the rest of us PAGES CARRIED ADVERTISING ‘SMECKER, FURMAN W. yey ca me GIVING A PARTY? INVITE RANDY SLOOMP! 4226 $ Pitkin SQuirrely 'SMEERKAIS, FAUNCE WALTER ‘Specialist in PRACTICING KYPOCHONORIAG sein ed arts it 32 JuS LL ME AND AS He HO QCard Tricks— ue Oft-Color Jokes— ower Suite Hotel Howard Hughes PUny $6987 Charades ‘SMINKER, MISS LOLLIE F. “ABARREL OF LAUGHS ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIC DANCER FOR ALL OCCASIONS” iso ota as ois Siaiihes ae ares wow a gage on aco 2219. Forkprong 7184 E Dinwiddie TWinkletoes $6792 Invitation Hotline Number ‘SMOTERITE, LUTHER LOadzafun 5-8838 FEEL LIKE SCREAMING & CURSING TO VENT YOUR RAGE? 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DON'T SETTLE FOR THE WEATHER BUREAU'S RECORDED REPORT WHEN 617 W.Odmont——BAdbreath 35757 AUS RECORDED REPORT SSRN Oe Call Zack tionll To Find Out It rigase sTop wseproncuncine wy nae Is Raining On The West ide Todsy. SECRETE Aes ne aaa Foe Sin ARSE RE TEPER Ta Suess 93 Dompala CAST The THE 8 SILENT 51 M. Ferknoy LHzrkskyn 56670 LOAN YOUR GARDEN TOOLS TO A RESPONSIBLE NORTH SIDER Free Pick-Up & Eventual Delivery Of xy POWER MOWERS +x LAWN EDGERS S.tt HEDGE CLIPPERS 3 BUG SPRAYERS —Yx MULCHERS sx HAMMOCKS x LEAF RAKES VODKA Norman Spiviock pHone TRACTHOUSE 5-5122 5632.N. Suburbia (After 10 A.M. Saturday Only) ‘Witchblade 4-8585 TW. Undertree ‘STirerazy 45122 Stesson, Mrs. Ida, Confirmed Recluse Spivlock, Norman SI9E.Duirp Weirdo 4.2205 S492 K Suburbia TRacthouse $5122 eroon roptuy, SIR IAN ‘SPUNGBORN, ELIZA SBaINGMeur rou unce TORE, STOP FEELING SORRY ‘FaRtes to Live hs one TOHED AEE ‘FOR YOURSELF! yout Amato Cricket ‘Skywatch 6:3090 LEWD Copyriaht © 2006 by E.C. Publications. Inc.- ‘STOTTERT, MISS VIOLA Specializing in Reinforcement OF Fears For Maicen Ladies Who Must Stay Alone At Nght Hei PERE BURRS DOorboit 61139 STRYKER, COL, NIMROD (Retired) mur atts From onuee caucupors Ma Fear Viens on at KenegT FRU an aan won Beene Ineane paobuea=onY Pomc 28 Wilderness Rd BOmbshelter 5.4026 ‘STURM, UNCLE ODIE 93-YEAR-OLD TOWN CHARACTER “ar Ye oT Howe a yas SRA TOU ot Bench 16, Courthouse Sq COdger 92377 SVARR, WALDRON HELP! "cts ae was Reet” 8. You. Mee ore Meaningtu! Subject Happy Hill Estates: COmmuter 44846 SVENZLOTNY, PRINCESS OK “THE GAREY Runa LOY Bete You al Te Heal Dept, Wi Bont For Reng A ai Fal faz Sele An ater aes Ne hon eal tien seve rcsen my sos 86.W. Zommerant — LOonybird 3-702 ‘SWINBURN, LUCAS W. LETMEAN ou Lue au VELCAT YOUR ROTEN DS SUN greenness FMISSOAY OR ProBleMs WIT UST ONE TERRIFYING PHONE CAL 72S. Swithensby BDgeyman 7:4511 ‘SYMBIOSIS, REVEREND BOB UTTERLY WEIRD CULT LEADERS ARE GGETTING INCREASINGLY HARD TO FIND With The “Spaced Out Sites” Long Past, This May Be Your Last Chance To Talk To ‘ARea Live Pottery Worshiper. {EAL Now FoR FREE CHANTING & HERES 97 E Dropminster —_-FRuitbow! 38842 65S, Hohonist GIVE YOUR FINGERS A REST AND LET YOUR MOUTH DO THE WALKING ADVERTISE IN THE WHITE PAGES99 44/100 PERCENT PRURIENT DEPT. If you can’t tell from the title what this article is about, this introduction isn’t going to help! So instead of wasting time reading It, take a few moments out to ask yourself some searching questions, the answers to which might be very revealing. Questions like (a) What sort of sexual gratification do you seek?, {b) Why can't you ever seem to achieve it? And (¢) is reading MAD Magazine a really satisfying substitute for an active sex life? Of course, there are lots more questions you can ask yourse'f, but why put yourself into a depression before you read this article? Let the article do it for youl Mainly, this article called: MAD'’S “TV EXPLOITATION MOVIE” _PRODUCER OF THE YEAR MTEC A Arent And. those [2] Absolutely! And that's oo very (2) why. in doing my TV om settle j) Enlioton ea!” taney j Satnst / |shaye tee oenning | |omtas «| he seme est Lloret fey Tm here with Mr. Arnold Fetid,. Hi l Teenage Herpes, etc, ‘and plays It for all 'sworth ARTIST: ANGELO TORRES WRITER. STAN HART ~ Is playing this part a challenge for Melissa? This lm starred Melissa Filbert! ‘She's really grown In three short years. she’ her way up from playing a Teenage Mother" to playing College Mother"! She's got a great ‘career going—until her menopause! ‘Thase wha haven't succeeded enough to star in their own shows, nor failed enough (0 (guest on "Fantasy Islane ‘or “Love Boat"! Let's say they work just enough to be con Unemployment Insurance! [nwist wayDo all of your | pride myselt in making exploitation fms -—— films deal with [Mf Yes! tfeet that ony what, that are as up-to-date as today's newspaper || Was ‘the shocking, [ by acknowledging that | headlines! Like f'rinstance, my most recent || it ‘awful probleme robles really | tm ear mpessage Arrange For An | etc wwe face in our n we then OO Abused Share Your Happy Home" || tive? modern world? ing about them! 7 77 Damned right it] was! When | saw the film, | went fieht home and beat up my kid! Hospital dramas are always sure While we have the Doctor, about the operation. fire Ratings hits! In this one, — same set standing We shoot SEVERALIM [Pow now! Justin's morning, Hospital movies ‘another patient of mine nad at the same time! the same heart bypass thet This one stars your Son is going tohave Karen Valium as ‘and this afternoon, he's a woman doctor!! leaving this hospital! Bill Niby piays an incompetent doctor who must break some bad ews {0 8 patient's tamily! ae |! Tim really proud of this fre you kidding?! film, ..a masterpiece of ‘you wanted ff You ever see-one realism! Farrah Forcesit REALISM, why of them? Thoy're plays. pathetic, disease: ff didn’t you use an ff disgusting! Geez, you don't know || boat person! it tears your [) oat person tor |} idaly-squat about hheart out, it's so REAL! the part??? creative casting! 18 JBLAD Copyright © 2006 by E.C. Publications. Inc.Snoozin Summers will tar in tim based on her | ‘own painful exper ence! I's about No subject is too hot to handle! The film { did with John Davidsdone about a transexual husband made the over of “TV Guide” ut it was 3 toughie all the way! Karen Blackout, the leading lady, Kept quitting because John was prettier than she ‘wass.-even when ne WASN'T in drag! [believe it's my mission to bring important subjects to the public, no matter how daring or sexual hey may et ‘Like this one called "Rape"! [But herve earoad || Realyr | tres aely | screens, Loot i mat Hall, YOU'RE even’ prettier thon ahe ist Sometimes, you can't be too subtle, or the audience misses the point! Take my next film, forinstance— ‘No. cremation! He has ‘heart attack as he crosees the finish fine! Holl. wo're not dealing with Sat Uurday morning fantasy garbage, y'know!" senior citizens aro a large part of our audience! This film is dedicated to them! Ws about George Burned, who finds dignity by running Py In "The Old Timer's Mile Race"! He wins, of course! |_| No, my accountants! Wirters re'3 dimeHere we see Broke Shieids -— Get it..? —' In this film we pull out — Not realy! The doctor Somittney | and Spatt Bayou rehearsing _ |Touchi all the emotion< ts a drunk, so not only don’t like it, |orstarrtie soct teet | [A Uke heraoe Seco stersssmner | | ther mootsee ling youngsters nis Sk BLIND | | gets mugged, a | cyesight.. she ALSO Wwarenir | | iinngewBeryrocching | | HUMOR | |“serenetn operation to | | “sos hr hese’ | |_HaniGeti 7 | | “Semcaletnertne | Liewcst| | Sreaereyngne | try to tind out what the | —<—— ther ane looks like! HERPES _|\/ 1s FORLOVERS al r |__| Gee, won't this movie | [Hmmm Mere blind | | [Spare met |= oh...? And does she...?_ |= offend blind people? ” = ee eee —— What's] | Thote two are : Right! And ALSO stroma || the ts the everasting bbe shown| | tlm st Christmas! its my [about ‘annual ——— imselt || gion | SEAMEPRROW” inane) [itm a a | | ng sagen on Vv - [the neignbornood } Boy Sut Tron [eS Tn this film, | tackled 3 important to tricky theme—homosexual understand |) | would teachers! The teacher was | exactly what | |nave axposad my WIFE played by Liverachey, and causes this || "tt YEARS AGO" his lawyer by John Rotter! =| Did anyone ever te Isitaforn you thatyou are St caease? [| crass beyond bait! ET Be honest! Do you think it changed people's attitudes? JBLAD Copyriaht © 2006 by E.C. Publications. Inc.immorality | {Lots of things in ife between making a film on the | | are immoral! The worst evils of anorexia, and allow. ini it to be sponsored by the Oozeman agreed to star in Will she 10 put on at least ten pounds! Sne's on a special all skin and bones! dt (0 look tight for lM Somebody should send the part? that kid to camp! Vim delighted that Marie Yeah, she'll have 4 t you sense We need those sponsors, no people wha sell kids on the. | Urnatter what they sell! idoa that "Thins Beautiful"? [BACON a Ths fms going to cia sar ld Fonte ond Say maura pont dort hav bsetes can raratnne ens : Reece Youre my dah! | [Gen dont Tsou tocranat” | demand to know who the even know who | | just she was In fact, I'm preparing a film that has. will it cover? | Tatherofyourbaoyts®| |e MOTHER st | [ator] | prrant | eventing vocpateoared trump | ea eee Ta taser he susttcet love Lreeraniet ]|/ H r "This beautiful gil from A BROKEN ‘grabbed by a weird HOME is a RUNAWAY wo gets picked RELIGIOUS CULT that ‘Again, she escapes. and || God. " | Inher depraved, ‘alls in lave with 2 _ immoral state, PARALYZED ATHLETE who's there's only one IMPOTENT! Aitor thoy re thing latt for married, he turns into a WIFE BEATER, and she suffers BRAIN DAMAGE! i iN see Snes pe ke RA | W 4 2 Xu = ; iS ee eee ee fn —_— ee ) who later in desperation, turns in. toa TEENAGE ALCOHOLIC, and very nearly becomes a TEENAGE SUICIDE! ITY! She no longer snows right from wrong, and so she— Producer ot TW Ex- ploitation Movies!JBLAD Copyriaht © 2006 by E.C. Publications. Inc.