CHORUS

Mortimer Mortimer and Nelly Fail were to be wed at the Fail Clock Works Est. 1900: Closed On
the corner of Lumber and Love,

But not before Mortimer Mortimer had met and gained approval from every living Fail. Of
course, hed met Nellys older sister, Gerty.
Approval there was pending.
But the rest of the Fail Family,

Sprightly Jenny June,
Somber John N.
And his collection of zoological friends, Remained to be won over.

JOHN N.
There comes a time
In the life of many creatures
When the pain of living becomes something closer to dying.
Its at times like these, when the only humane course of action is euthanasia.

CHORUS
John N. was never what you might call A People Person.

JOHN N.
First. Approach the animal, looking him straight in the eyes.

CHORUS
Hed never been at all at ease with most members of the human race.

JOHN N.
If the animal is a canine, approach from beneath the muzzle, do not show your teeth, but do
maintain eye contact.

CHORUS
Often silent in the company of others,
If John N. harbored any gay or entertaining thoughts, He played the gentleman and kept them to
himself.

JOHN N.
Gently administer the sedative.
[He unscrews a flask and offers it to the dog.] Pal?

CHORUS
But with animals,

JOHN N.
How you feeling, Pal?

CHORUS
He was a natural.

DOG
Not good, Johnny. I got the shakes and the aches, the itches and the twitches. The only thing I
aint got now is a prayer.

JOHN N. Dont say that.

DOG
Level with me, Johnny. Its bad, aint it?

JOHN N.
Im sorry, Pal.

Do your best to calm the patient. If you know he appreciates a nice scratch behind the ear, nows
the time to do it. You want your friendthe patient to be calm. Do this for as long as either of
you needs.

DOG
Whatre you gonna tell the others? The birds? And the snake? You gonna tell em I went to go
live on a farm?

JOHN N.
You? Theyd never believe it.

DOG
You got that right. Ha ha hcough cough cough. Oh boy oh boy, this is ruff.

JOHN N.
While putting the patient at ease, ready a syringe loaded with a complimentary antiarhythmetic
agent. Take care youve diverted the patients attention away from the injection site.

Can you ever forgive me, Pal?

DOG
Look at me, Johnny. Look me in the eyes.
You know and I know
Just because something ends, that dont mean it wasnt a great success. Now do it.

JOHN N.
So long, old friend.
Give those cats in heaven hell.

[John N. administers the poison, and Dog goes to sleep.]

CHORUS
As Mortimer Mortimer took the stairs,
He was transported out of the rigid, mechanical realm of the downstairs shoproom Into the
freewheeling indoor Eden of the upstairs livingroom.
Birds took baths and women swam in the air
While overgrown dinosaur snakes sat reading the morning paper
And sipping up coffee.

MOSES Ssssslurp.

[Mae and December, two feral monk parakeets, sit on their perches in the corner. Moses, the ball
python is curled up in an easy chair flipping through the Chicago Sun Times with her tail.]

DECEMBER Hello.
MAE Yes?

[The birds notice Mortimer. The animals freeze and stare.]

MORTIMER MORTIMER Um.
Hello.

DECEMBER

HE-LLO!

MORTIMER MORTIMER May I, uh, may I come in?

MAE Y es!

MORTIMER MORTIMER
I, uh, gee, I guess Im here to meet the Fail Family. Are they at home?

MAE Yes.

MORTIMER MORTIMER
Okey Dokey.
Its, uh, its a nice day outside. Spring is on its way. A little unexpected after such a heavy
snowfall this What am I doing, Im talking to a bird.

JOHN N. [Enters, dragging a bag with a dead dog in it.] Who are you?

MORTIMER MORTIMER Hi!

DECEMBER Hello Hello!

MORTIMER
You must be John N.
I was just having a little palaver with your parrot.

JOHN N.
She is not a parrot.
She is a feral monk parakeet.

MORTIMER MORTIMER
Well, like I always say, why have one parrot when you can have a pair a keet?

MOSES
Hiss.

MORTIMER MORTIMER
Im Mortimer. Mortimer.

JOHN N.
Do you like animals?

MORTIMER MORTIMER
I like horses.
Especially when I pick the right one.

JOHN N.
Excuse me. I have to send an old friend down the river. [He exits, dragging the body bag.]

MORTIMER MORTIMER
Right-o.
[To the birds.]
Youre more talkative than he is.

MORTIMER MORTIMER Hi.
DECEMBER
Hello hello. Hi Hi Hi Hi.

(Jenny June enters swimming on a desk chair)

JENNY JUNE
I dont know you.

MORTIMER MORTIMER Im Mortimer. Mortimer. Mortimer Mortimer.

JENNY JUNE
Morty, youre standing in my river.

MORTIMER MORTIMER
I Am?

JENNY JUNE
John N. is helping me train.
Hes teaching me to behave like a fish.
This here is what they call the Australian Crawl.
But Ive never been to Australia. So, I call it the Chicago Creep. How do you like that?

MORTIMER MORTIMER
Is it always done on a desk chair?

JENNY JUNE
Do you want something, Mr.?

MORTIMER MORTIMER
Yes. I want to marry your sister, Nelly.

JENNY JUNE
I betcha do. Well, I dont know whatcha need me for. Nelly can marry whoever she takes a mind
to.

MORTIMER MORTIMER
I, I guess I was thinking I might need your blessing.

JENNY JUNE
Of course you need my blessing! Do you have any idea who I am?

MORTIMER MORTIMER Youre Jenny June Fa

JENNY JUNE
Im Jenny June Fail!
Im surprised you aint heard a me. Im famous, you know?

MORTIMER MORTIMER I didnt know.

5

JENNY JUNE
You, sir, are having a one-on-one with Illinoiss very first female competitive lake swimmer.
How do you like that?

MORTIMER MORTIMER
Competitive Lake Swimming? Who usually wins, you or the lake?

MOSES Hiss.
[John N. re-enters, without the bag.]

JENNY JUNE
There you are. Did you let this masher up here? He waltzes in, terrorizes the animals, interrupts
my swim practice, and on top all that, now he wants to marry our sister. Whadya got to say about
that?

JOHN N. Alright.

JENNY JUNE Alright?!?

JOHN N. Alright.

MORTIMER MORTIMER Alright!

JENNY JUNE
John N. Fail! How can you say that? You dont even know the fella! He could be an absolute
cad!

JOHN N.
He could also be wonderful.

MORTIMER MORTIMER Yeah!

JENNY JUNE
It doesnt matter whether hes wonderful or not. That isnt the point!
JOHN N.

I think if a male of the species desires a mate of the same species, and if that mate is so inclined,
what business is it of any other creature?

MORTIMER MORTIMER Well put.

JENNY JUNE
And thats all you have to say about it, huh?

JOHN N.
Y es.
Moses, come.
[He and Moses exit.]

JENNY JUNE
Well.
This calls for a drink.
Flip that record over. I like the other side for dancing.

MORTIMER MORTIMER Dancing?

JENNY JUNE
Yes. I take my membership in the Womens Temperance League very seriously. Which is why I
only drink when Im dancing.
You like Whiskey? Of course you do. Dont run away.

[She mounts her swivel chair and swims off.]

MORTIMER MORTIMER
Make it a double?
[Looking around. Flips the record.]

MORTIMER MORTIMER
Why, Miss Parakeet, care for a turn around the floor?

MAE YES!

DECEMBER HELLO!

MORTIMER MORTIMER Ill bring her right back to ya.

[Mortimer dances with the stand-up bird cage as if its his dance partner, while December
squawks. When Mortimer dips the cage, the door unlatches, and Mae instinctively flies out.]

MORTIMER MORTIMER Great George!!!

[He runs around the room trying to catch a flabbergasted Mae, but she flies out the open window
before he can catch her. December is crest fallen. Mortimer looks to December, no idea what to
say.]

DECEMBER Hello?

[A noise from off, someones coming. He quickly stands in front of Maes empty cage. The rest of
the scene for Mortimer becomes about not letting anyone see that Mae is gone.]

CHORUS
Mortimer Mortimer was set for the wedding of a lifetime.

On the morning of the ceremony, not a single wild flower could be found along the river bank.
Jenny June Fail had plucked them all and transformed the shoproom of
The Fail Clock Works Est. 1900: Closed
Into a cathedral of blue violets and trumpet creeper.

Her brother, John N. Fail,
Still mourning the unexplained disappearance of his dear friend, Mae the Monk Parakeet,
Begrudgingly agreed to keep all budgerigars upstairs for the ceremony.

Their sister, Gerty Fail, had busied herself retooling their mothers wedding dress, Taking it in
and up, and fitting it just right for the first of the Fail sisters to walk Down the aisle.

NELL Y
Nelly Fail would like to point out
The year was 1928, and the dress was over twenty years old.
The tradition of wearing white on your wedding day had not yet become the fashion, Lest
anyone make assumptions.

CHORUS
Early on the morning of the ceremony,
Nelly Fail ran to South Water Street in Mariettas wedding dress,
To the place where her mother and father
Had fallen backward into the river
In a Brand new DeSoto Town Car
Some thirteen years back.
She knew she ought to be at home helping her sisters ready the shop,
But she needed one final blessing before entering into the happiness that would Define the rest of
her life.

NELL Y
Oh, Mother, oh Father.
I dont know if you can hear me,

But if you can, I want you to know that its a beautiful day in Chicago.

CHORUS
Indeed it was.
The morning sky was powdered blue.
The river ran still and soundless.
Nary a car nor a pedestrian troubled the street.
So nobody noticed
8

The bright green Parakeet streak across the sky

And perch on the bust of Dr. Ian K. Bonner,
Father of Illinoisan Psychiatry,
The same bust which had been upsetbut not dislodgedby the crashing of a brand new
DeSoto Town Car into the Old Chicago Board of Trade
Some thirteen years back,
The same bust which had been slowly loosing itself from the buildings faade ever since,
And the same bust which, bearing the unexpected weight of the nonindigenous bird, Finally leapt
from its own perch
And began its downward plunge into the nearly vacant street below.

NELL Y
I want you to know That I am happy. And I am loved.

CHORUS
And thats when the bust of Dr. Ian K. Bonner, Father of Illinoisan Psychiatry,
Knocked Nelly Fail on the head,
Over the banister and into the tranquil river below. As with so many things in life
--death, love, moving vehicles
She never saw it coming.

MAE
Yes yes yes!

CHORUS
Gerty was the first of the Fails to learn the terrible news, Followed soonafter by her siblings,
Jenny June and John N. Fail,
In that order.
Reactions to the news were

Shock, Disbelief, and Anger. Also in that order.

Mortimer Mortimer,
Arrived at the shop
At Lumber and Love
With a skip in his step,
And no idea that he was no longer a groom.

"
"
"
9