Why Is This So Damn

Hard?
Rewiring your brain after leaving Mormonism and
dealing with family across faith boundaries.

Todays Agenda
Why you probably cant just let it go.
Ideas about healing.
How do I minimize the impact of this on my

relationships?

The Journey - by Mary Oliver

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice-though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.

The Journey - by Mary

Oliver
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.

The Journey - by Mary

Oliver
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and
deeper
into the world,

The Journey - by Mary Oliver

determined to do
the only thing you could do-determined to save
the only life you could save.

So what are we dealing with?

Mormonism is a religion with a performance based

salvation system with threats of social exclusion for

nonconformance.
The human nervous system is wired to respond to

threats to social inclusion in the same way we

respond to pain.
Individuals who are unwilling or unable to conform

inside the system are under constant threat of social

exclusion which is experienced by the individual in
much the same way threats of physical harm would
be.

Abuse
Abuse: treat (a person or an animal) with

cruelty or violence, especially regularly or

repeatedly. Note the definition does not
mandate intent to abuse on the part of the
perpetrator.
Obviously inside the system an individual may

or may not experience abuse. Individuals who

are able and willing to conform may have an
experience that is significantly different from
individuals who are unable to or unwilling to
conform.

Programming beneath the

conscious level
Many issues exist at a level beneath conscious

thought.
Worthiness training
Loss of self or lack of development and exploration

of self as independent from the needs of the

abusive system
Shame
Trauma responses
Grief and loss issues
Perception as prediction/predictive coding
These things can impact recovery and

relationships with others.

Worthiness Training
Hardwired fear of social rejection
Black and white issue: Worthy/Unworthy, In/Out
Lifelong training on maintaining personal

worthiness to avoid eternal social exclusion begins

at birth.
Worthiness training:
results in individuals becoming hypersensitive to

cues indicating social rejection, esp. when paired

with symbols or rituals of the abusive system.
Worthiness training conditions the worthy to see
the unworthy as threatening, dark, loathsome, or
angry.

Imagine this sign at the beach

The flip side of worthiness

training
Family and friends who remain in the church

are also hypersensitive to cues of social

rejection from friends and family who used to
be part of the system.
Because individual identity is so closely tied to

the system criticism of the system is often

experienced as criticism of the individual.

Lack of ownership of self

In an abusive system, the self exists to

serve anothers needs. There is pressure to

repress any aspect of self that does not serve
the systems needs.
Aspects of self that need to be (re)claimed
Body
Sexuality
Mind
Soul
Time
Etc.

Shame
In an abusive system shame is cultivated by the

system when an individual tries to claim

ownership of self or meet personal needs
contrary to the abusers interests.
Shame may be experienced emotionally even

after cognitions associated with it have changed.

Shame may significantly interfere with tasks

associated with (re)claiming the self.

Trauma
Many individuals experience significant trauma when

dealing with religious transition. Some have also

experienced their religion as abusive prior to or as a
result of their transition.
The essential psychological effect of trauma is a

shattering of innocence. Trauma creates a loss of faith

that there is any safety, predictability, or meaning in the
world, or any safe place in which to retreat. It involves
utter disillusionment.
Lynn Margolies, PH.D., a psychologist and former Harvard Medical School faculty

and fellow.

Trauma Related Symptoms

Re-experiencing:
intrusive memories or flashbacks to events or emotions associated with the

trauma.
nightmares
re-experiencing physical symptoms associated with your
Hyperarousal: When exposed to a trigger
your physiology is aroused.
You might have difficulty sleeping or concentrating,
you might find yourself more frequently angry or agitated (fight/flight/freeze

reactions)
hypervigilance (exaggerated reactions to cues that you are in danger).
Numbing: In some cases you might also experience emotional numbing,

feeling like you are on autopilot, or disconnected from the vitality of life.
This is a defense mechanism your mind might use to escape the pain of
re-experiencing the trauma. You may find yourself avoiding thoughts and
feelings associated with the trauma, feeling depressed, or disconnected
from the people around you.

Grief and Loss Issues

Tasks of Grief (J. William Worden)
1. Accept the reality of the loss
Denial, Numbness, Shock, Bargaining: protects the individual from
experiencing the full intensity of the loss.
2. Work through the pain of grief
Common Emotions: sadness, fear, loneliness, despair, hopelessness,
anger, guilt, blame, shame, relief, depression, etc.
Anger: Usually occurs when an individual feels helpless, powerless,
abandoned or betrayed.
3. Adjust to an environment in which that which was lost is missing
Often uncovers areas where task 1 is incomplete and unveils the fact
that the loss was greater than at first anticipated.
Anger: Usually occurs when an individual feels helpless, powerless,
abandoned or betrayed.
4. Find an enduring connection to that which was lost while

embarking on a new life

Grief and Loss: Out of Phase

Processes
The person finding out about your faith transition is likely

confronted with Grieving Task 1

The person disclosing the faith transition is likely working

on task 3 but then must work on task 1 of secondary

losses occasioned by disclosing their faith transition.
Note that many normal reactions and healing tasks are

mutually exclusive or contradictory for individuals who

are leaving vs those who are staying. A persons natural
reactions and healing process can cause their partner
pain and hinder their partners healing.

Grief and Loss: Ambiguous

Loss
Lack of social support and rituals for dealing

with the loss.

Sometimes difficult or taboo to discuss
Lack of clear and/or accurate information
about the loss
Lack of clear indicators of closure which make
it more difficult to proceed with processing
grief and reconstruction of a meaningful life.

Perception as Prediction/Predictive
Coding
The brain uses stored knowledge about the structure of the

world and the probabilities of one state or event following

another to generate a prediction of what the current state is
likely to be, given the previous one and this body of knowledge.
Mismatches between the prediction and the received signal
generate error signals that nuance the prediction or (in more
extreme cases) drive learning and plasticity.
Understanding perception as prediction thus offers, it seems to

me, a powerful tool for appreciating both the power and the
potential pitfalls of our primary way of being in contact with the
world. Our primary contact with the world, all this suggests, is
via our expectations about what we are about to see or
experience.
Andy Clark (cognitive scientist)

Predictive coding pitfalls

In a very real sense we perceive the forest

before the trees.

You are likely to miss important details
Self fulfilling prophecies
Fears are more likely to come true

Cross boundary myths

Faith transition due to laziness or transgression
Believing family cant be accepting (they think Im an
apostate)

Commonly misread emotional cues

Anxiety vs. rejection
Feeling judged vs. Shame

Tools for Healing

Accept where you are at and how you function
Measure and observe
Volume knobs
Dealing with Shame
Reclaiming ownership of self. Body, time, etc.
Appropriate distancing vs. avoidance or

aggression.

You do not have

to be good.
- Mary Oliver Wild
Geese

Accept where and how you are

Dont try to change things that you cant
Do try to get clear on what you can expect from your

self
Understand that some of your reactions are
hardwired and are unlikely to change in the near
future.
You are dealing with loss: it is HARD and you will
likely be ANGRY.
Are you dealing with Trauma?
What are your triggers
Dont expect yourself to be at full skill level when

triggered.

Measure and Observe

Begin to measure and observe your emotions

and reactions
Develop a good emotional vocabulary
Use a scale of 1-10 to measure emotions with
1 being the weakest and 10 being the
strongest
What triggers strong emotional reactions?
Begin to measure how fast your negative
reactions climb the scale.
With negative emotions most people begin to
loose control around 7-10 on the scale.

Source: emotionalfitnesstraining.com

Triggers
What triggers your strong emotional

reactions?
Worthiness/unworthiness cues
Rituals
Words or phrases
Facial expressions
The Bishops stare

Symbols, decorations, music

Etc.

Volume Knobs
Your brain might lead you to miss important

cues that run contrary to your

expectations/fears
Use the observe and measure techniques and
look for places you might be overreacting.
When in one of these situations imagine
turning the volume down on the negative
triggers and turning the volume up on the
positive ones. This will likely more accurately
reflect what is really going on.

Setting Boundaries
Describe your situation
When you ask me to pray
When I go to church
When you say

Express your emotion

I feel (upset, angry, betrayed, etc.)

Set the boundary

I dont want to feel that way so would prefer

Avoid triggering their worthiness training

Make sure they know you are not blaming them.
Let them know you love them and wish you didnt need to

set a boundary and hope to not have to in the future

Avoid long discussions when emotions are high.

Appropriate Distancing
Notice what situations leave you with negative

emotions that exceed 7 out of 10.

You are not prepared to deal with these skillfully.
These situations are good candidates for setting
boundaries.
For public settings have escape plans ready.
Phone call or text with an emergency to attend to.
Not feeling well.
You dont owe anyone an explanation. If you want to

explain do it when you havent just been triggered.

(Re)claiming ownership of self

This can be very tricky because it often involves outward

changes that family finds difficult to accommodate due to

their own fears.
Begin exploring what you want in all of the following
areas.
Body What I eat and drink, what I wear, how I look

(hairstyles, colors, tattoos, henna, piercings, dressed up,

dressed sexy, dressed down, etc).
Sexuality what I desire, who I desire, how I manage that
desire, what pleases me.
Time/resources career, hobbies, interests, self care, travel,
home improvement, etc.
Mind/Soul New ideas, movies, music, books, education,
spirituality

Resigning from Membership

Powerful way of claiming ownership of

yourself separate from the group.

The process (hopefully) remains in your
control.
Is not necessary for healing. Many people find
other ways of claiming ownership of self.

Dealing with shame.

Begin with a logical analysis of whether the

issue one feels shame about is actually

harming anyone.
If it is:
Stop doing it and apologize. You are not dealing

with shame. You are dealing with regret.

If it is not:
Do that thing over and over until the sense of

shame diminishes.

Shame is the result of an abusive system successfully

projecting its guilt onto the individuals being abused.

Grief and Loss: Working Across

Faith Boundaries
Be as open as possible. Take some risks.
Watch out for worthiness training issues.
Express unconditional love.
Dont blame.
Unmask the pain behind the anger.
Try to be vulnerable when you feel threatened.
Apologize and take a break if you cant be skillful.

Let them have their hope.

Get support for processing your anger away from

your LDS family/friends.

It gets better

Contact Information
PeterDanzigLCSW@outlook.com
PeterDanzigCounseling.weebly.com
www.OtterCreekDuo.com

Resources
Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy, Fourth Edition: A Handbook

for the Mental Health Practitioner by J. William Worden

Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by
Dr. Sue Johnson
Predictive Coding by Andy Clark
http://edge.org/q2011/q11_6.html#clark
Why Does Social Exclusion Hurt? The Relationship Between
Social and Physical Pain, Geoff MacDonald and Mark R Leary,
Psychological Bulletin, 2005, Vol. 131, No. 2, 202223, accessed
online at http://web.psych.utoronto.ca/gmacdonald/macdonald
%20&%20leary,%202005a.pdf
DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Marsha M.
Linehan, PhD