“DEAD MAN'S CELL PHONE “By SaeAR Roar Ferace 1 ‘You know what’s funny? I never had a ell phone. I didn’t wane twalways be there, you know. Like if your phone ison you're eup- posed to be there. Sometimes I like to disappear. But it's ike— when everyone has their cell phone on, no one is there. It's like we're all disappearing the more we're there, Last week there was Woman inline a the pharmacy and she was like, “Shit, Shit!” fon her cell phone and she kept saying, “Shit, fuck, you're shitting me, you're fucking shitting me, no fucking way, bitch, if you're shitting me I'll fucking kill you,” you know, that kind of thing, and there were all these old people in line and it was like she didn’t care ifshe told her whole life, the worst part of her life, in front of the people in line. It was ike—people who are inline at pharma: ies must be strangers. By definition. And I thought that was sa. But when Gordon's phone rangand rang, after he died, I thought his phone was beautfil, lik alive, like as long as people called him he would be alive, That sounds—a little—I know—butall chose molecules, inthe air try- ing to talk to Gordon—and Gordon—he's in the air too—s0 it was the only thing keeping bien ‘maybe they all would meet up there, whizzing around —those bits of air—and voices,FEMALE #42. Confessions of a Shopaholic Sophie Kinsella Novel Comic F 205-305 Contemporary Rebecca Bloomwood, shopaholic, is being hounded by her bank for unpaid credit card bill. When an unattractive mil- Tronaire takes a fancy to her, she sees a way out of her finan- cial woes. Tm going to be a millionaress. A multimillionatess. I knew it, Didnit I know ic? I knew it, Tarquin's going to fallin love with me and ask me to smarty him and we'll ec married in a gorgeous Scottish caste just like in Four Weddings (except with nobody dying on us). Of course, Vl love him, too. By then. Low I haven't exactly been attracted to him in the past... but ies all a matt of willpower, sn i? T bet cha’s what most long-term suc- cessful couples would say counts in a relationship. Willpower and a desie to ake it work. Both of which I absolutely have. You know what? actually fancy him more already. Well, not exactly fancy. but just the thought of him makes me fee! all excited, which must mean something, mustn't i? (..) Lean do this {1 tell myself firmly]. I can be attracted to him. Ies jusc a matter of selFcontrol and possibly also getting very drunk. (...) Alcohol is obviously going to be the key to our masital happiness. 28 + 222 Comedy Monologues, 2 Minutes and UnderWOW T LERQVED 7D PRive TRY “PADLA VOGEL- FEMALE # 3 LI'L BIT, ‘That day was the last day I livedim my body. I re- treated above the neck, and I've lived inside the “fire” in my head ever since. ‘And now that seems like a long, long time ago. When we were both very young. ‘And before you know it, I'l be thirtyfive. That's getting up there for a woman, And I find myself believing in things ‘that a younger self vowed never to believe in. Things like fam- ily and forgiveness T know I'm lucky. Although I still have never known what it feels like to jog or dance. Any thing that .. ‘jiggles.” I do like © watch people on the dance floor, or out on the running paths, just jiggling away. And I say — good for them. (Li? Bit ‘moves fo the car with pleasure.) ‘The nearest sensation I feel — of flight in the body —I .guoss I fee! when I'm driving. On a day like today. It's five A.m, ‘The radio says it’s going to be clear and crisp. I've got five hun- dred miles of highway ahead of me — and some back roads too. I filled the tank last night, and had the oll checked, Checked the tires, too. You've got to treat her ... with respect, First thing I do is: check under the car. To see if any bwo- year-olds or household cats have crawled beneath — and strate- ically placed their skulls behind my back tires — (Litt Bit crouches.) Nope. Then I get in the car. (Lit Bit des so) Hock the doors. And turn the key. Then I adjust the most important control on the dashboard — the radio — (Lit Bit tuerns the radio on: we hear all of the Greek Chorus overlapping, and static)‘The Fan—by Eric Bogosian, from Pounding Nails Into the Floor with my Forehead Hey man, excuse me, man. I just wanted to say that I just saw the show, and it was.....really intense, and I wondered if I could ask you a question. Could I buy you a cup of coffee, man, and we could hang out and rap for an hour or two? ‘Oh yeah, Tunderstand. That’s cool. No, no. You're busy, that’s cool. But I just wanted to say that I think that you're shit's great. I mean, I think that you're genius. Me? Oh, Imake performances, like you. Well, not like you, but well, like you.....t's funny, some of the shit that you do out there, it’s like you've been to one of my shows and you're stealing my shit. I mean, I know you're not. But I wish that you could see it You'd digit. 1 do this one thing where we go to the meat market and we get all the pigs blood and guts and shit and we put them in this ziplock bag, stick “em down our shirts. The audience doesn’t even know they are there. ‘And we're jumping around and doing the show and like, all of a sudden, we'll take out these straight razor blades and we slice open our stomachs and all the blood and guts are like falling out and chicks are screaming and I’m slippin’ in the blood—Fell down, took three stitches over my eye- See? ‘Yeah, yeah, that’s what everyone says.....My shit's intense. Hey wait a minute man, don’t walk away from me like I am some kind of jerk or something, I'm just trying to tell you honestly how I feel. I mean, isn’t that what your work is all about, or are you some kind of hypocrite or something? Hey! Wait a minute! What's that look, man? What’s that look? Oh! I forgot! You're ‘more important than me! Oh I'm sorry—you're better than me. Well let me tell you something. Just because you get your name in the paper and you get to play all these big places docsn’t mean that you're, like, better than me, okay? My shit’s just as important as your shit. Yeah, that’s what I'm saying. So basically, our shit is equal!