Endless Season

By kijeok

chapter one
(2015)
She wished, first, that her arm wasnt bent unnaturally under her body in such an
angry way, shoved between her breastplate and whatever, be it mattress or couch
or floor, was underneathand wished, second, that she were someone else
entirely. The sun was settling uncomfortably on her eyelashes, pulling back the lids
with insistent, spiteful tugs. This was going to be another morning like many other
mornings and as the realization settled under her skin, she wanted less and less to
open her eyes at all.
The arm around her waist tightened as she cleared her throat and rolled over,
attempting to ease the tension in her own trapped, now traumatically numb, arm.
The ceiling looked like a dozen ceilings she had seen before, the pockmarks and
plaster not quite identical, obviously, but still resolutely contributing to the intimate
familiarity she couldnt shake.
A blithe thought came then, of how when people were cornered, they would lash
out. Previously she had wondered if they knew they were lashing out while in the
process of it, but now she wondered if they could even know they were cornered.
She had lived a good twenty-six years; it felt over-long because it hadnt been
broken up into chapters. There was no beginning and end to events, and so there
was no way to know if one was living it correctly, in any respect. Still, dimly, shed
had the feeling she had been living it incorrectly for some time now.
With a sigh, Kim Taeyeon gently removed the arm from around her waist and sat
up, climbing unsteadily out of bed.
Like most mornings, it was not a clean break. She was hunting for her clothes when
the girl on the bed stirred and mumbled something at her, her eyes opening in
bleary indecency. Taeyeon cleared her throat and zipped up her jeans. It was a
little after lunchtime. Hmm?
Where you going?
She was a pretty girl, probably about nineteen years old. Of the brief images she
could recall from the previous night, Taeyeon remembered that the skin at the base
of her neck was impossibly smooth, that her hands were soft as though they had
never worked. Maybe she was a student. Taeyeon blew some of the hair out of her
eyes and pulled her shirt on.
I have to go. I have an appointment. Her cellphone wasnt in her pocket like usual
so she had to hunt for it.
The girl then said what they all more or less said, perhaps not always because they

meant the sentiment but because it was expected and the transaction was
somehow empty without it. Her wide eyescircle lenses, Taeyeon thought
blinked long fluttering eyelasheslikely fakeand she said, unnaturally high and
mouthwateringly sweet, Will I see you again?
Taeyeon smiled because she had spotted her cellphone on the nightstand by the
girls head. She scooped it up and then leaned down for a quick, perfunctory kiss.
Of course. I had fun. Ill call you.
But you dont have my number.
She breathed out noisily through her nose. Her head was aching. She had no idea
if it was a hangoverthe dry mouth and numbness of limbs would indicate soor a
habitual headache like usualthe burden of living everyday as she did would
indicate sobut it was making her feel electric under her skin, impatient with the
strain of feeling unnatural.
She patiently counted to ten and made herself smile gently. This was a very nice
girl with a very nice apartment. She brought up her phones address book and then
wordlessly, the smile unwavering on her lips, passed the phone to the girls pale,
trembling hands. The trembling inspired her annoyance to dissipate, somewhat. It
was easy to forget what a young, innocent girl looked like from the inside out.
Here. The phone was back in her hands. I put my name in, too, in case you didnt
remember it. A genuine, heartfelt smile which Taeyeon couldnt help but return.
Thank you. She kissed her again, lingeringly this time. Lee Kiyoung. Thanks.

She escaped onto the street, her head feeling light enough to float away. When
shed left the apartment and realized there were eight flights of stairs between her
and freedom, she had begun to feel sick and had taken them at a sprint. Now her
heart was pounding in rhythm with her head. She gulped in cold air. Her jacket was
too light for Seoul in winter. Her head was killing her. Pressing her back against the
brick wall, she tried to find consciousness. There was something she had to do
today, just like there was something she had to do everyday. She opened her eyes,
looking blankly at the city street in front of her. What was it.
Lunch with Hyoyeon. In Gangnam.
It was one of the girls who followed her.
Right, she said, breathless. It was a habit to not make eye contact with these
fans. She felt around for her car keys. They were in her right jacket pocket but she
couldnt see her car on the street, nor did she have any idea where the parking
garage was, if the building had oneit had to have one, even if it wasnt a very
expensive area, there were always parking garages
You came here in a cab, one of the other girls said. A brief glance confirmed there
were only four of them today. If she was a long way from her neighborhood, that

made sense; it was only a certain type of character who could handle following one
person around without cognizance of the maze barriers. We called it for you, both
of you were too drunk to drive.
Right. That was all she said.
We called another one when we saw you were coming down, itll be here soon.
How did you know I was coming down or God why are you here or Maybe Ill just
walk, what about that, I dont need you all clustered together on the tip of her
tongue but all she said was what she always said: Right.
Your car is at the bar in Seongdong if you want the cab to take you there instead
of to lunch.
Right.
The cab pulled up and one of the girls handed her a cup of coffee.
Feel better, Taeyeon unni.
Right.

The cabdriver wanted an autograph for his kid instead of cab-fare. This was par for
the course; Taeyeon hadnt properly paid cab-fare in over five years. She
straightened her rumpled clothing on the drive over, fixing her hair. She wasnt sure
why. It hardly made a difference. She and the girls had spent over a decade
together at this point. They knew each others habits better than they knew their
own and used each other as a reference, an encyclopedia on their own particular
quirks and eccentricities.
Hyoyeon seemed like she had been waiting a while. She was on her second cup of
coffee. Of all the Girls Generation members to keep waiting, Hyoyeon was
probably the best. She was sharp and would make her aggravation known with little
fanfare, which was more than she could say for other members.
Hey. Sorry Im late. She smiled at the waitress. Just coffee.
Are you eating at all these days? This was Hyoyeons version of a greeting.
Taeyeon looked down at herself. She was a little skinnier than usual but hardly
worth noting. What do you mean?
Every time weve had lunch for the past three weeks, youve only had coffee.
Taeyeon shrugged. I eat a lot at night, trust me. I sit in the booth for two hours and
just eat junk.
You should exercise more.

If I wasnt so lazy. Are you mothering me? She smiled wryly but the words had an
edge to them.
Id try to, but I dont think youd let me.
Taeyeon sipped her coffee. Is everything okay? Hyoyeon shrugged. Hows
Dujun?
Theyre working a lot, because of the album, so I dont see him very much. She
shrugged. On most people, it might have been an attempt to look as though the
whole thing didnt ruffle her, but the truth was that little things ruffled Hyoyeon
anyway. She was far from a clingy girlfriend. It was why Taeyeon had said a million
times that Hyoyeon was the only one of them she would consider dating, even if
they all knew that wasnt entirely true.
Speaking of album Hyoyeon began and Taeyeon squinted at her, the headache
coming back with a dedicated vengeance. Hyoyeon recognized her shift in mood
immediately. Or not
Taeyeon shook her head. Sorry. Headache. Speaking of album, what.
How close are you to finishing yours?
She sipped her coffee leisurely to give herself some time to think of a good way to
say it. I would say, maybe, less than half finished.
Less than half?
Maybe closer to
Well, how much of it have you
I have one song finished, Taeyeon said baldly and then smiled, feeling suddenly
neurotic. Its a good song.
Then just put out a single, Hyoyeon chuckled. I just ask because Juhyun asked
and Juhyun asked because
Because of the group.
I mean, its up to you, really, when our next group album comes out. After your
solo album, before. It depends on you.
You would make a great manager, you know that?
No, I wouldnt, I hate entertainers.
Taeyeon laughed. She felt a little better; the headache wasnt disappearing, but it
certainly was easy to ignore around someone like Hyoyeon. This was probably true
of nearly every member of the band, but most potent with Kim Hyoyeon; when they
had met eleven years ago, they had been so awkward it gave Taeyeon headaches.

Over the years they had settled into a comforting sort of familiarity. Of course, over
a decades worth of friendship would do that, but with Hyoyeon, Taeyeon knew that
she herself had not gotten any less awkward; they had both just become more
adept at being comfortable with the mutual awkwardness.
It was for this reason, really, that although she would not single Hyoyeon out as the
member she was closest with, she was easily the member she trusted the most.
For her part, Hyoyeon was probably incredibly aware of this, and this was probably
why she felt comfortable broaching subjects with Taeyeon that other members
would be afraid to.
Hyoyeon put both her hands on the table, fingers spread with pensive intention.
The other thing I wanted to talk to you about
Wow, really. Taeyeon sipped her coffee. You really would make a good
manager, I feel burdened the minute you open your mouth.
They shared a wry smile. Hyoyeon went on, You havent returned any of Juhyuns
texts, so Im going to ask on her behalf
Texts? Taeyeon frowned. Im sorry, I literally just woke up.
We both expected as much. Anyway, since she has a schedule with you tonight,
she was wondering if youd carpool with her over to Jessicas. Im going to be
coming from Dobong because Im filming, so I cant pick her up
Yeah, sure, whatever, Taeyeon said quickly. She had forgotten that Juhyun was a
guest on her radio show tonight. Before she had ended up in that bar last night,
shed planned to write up some good questions to ask her, since she wanted it to
be a really good interview. She knew better than anyone how to draw good
responses out of someone quiet like Juhyun, especially since she had known her
forever. She scratched the back of her neck thoughtfully. Why are we meeting up
at Jessicas, though, just wondering.
Hyoyeon paused, exhaling impatiently. Ah, really. You really dont check your text
messages, do you?
I do, she lied defensively. It was taxing, really. She had over one hundred unread
messages. She tried to prioritize them, but most times that meant only reading the
ones from her manager so that she knew to be at schedules on time.
The least you could do is check into group chat once in a while, Hyoyeon said.
Youre aware that Stephanie is back in Seoul, right?
Taeyeon felt suddenly as though she had been kicked. Hyoyeon looked at her with
something resembling pity.
Of course Im aware, Taeyeon said. Her tongue felt numb. So it was like that. She
had been in Los Angeles for nearly three months. It was like that, huh. I am
aware

She got in yesterday morning. Hyoyeons tone had softened. It was hard to look at
her, now, when her expression was filled with sickening sympathy. So Jessicas
having us over for dinner tonight. Youd know that if you checked into group chat
once in a while, or even checked your texts.
Ive been busy, Taeyeon said quietly. I
I know, Hyoyeon said softly. But just make the effort if you can.
The pounding in her head suddenly intensified to the point where she felt as though
she might be sick. She felt as though the alcohol wasnt out of her system. It
prickled all over her body, the immediate feeling of wanting to be back in that warm
bed, eight floors up, pressed against Lee Ki-whoever or any girl or anyone, really,
anyone that would block out this feeling.
She steeled herself and inhaled. It took all her willpower to not exhale in a rush of
exhausted tension. Good, she said briskly. That means we can talk about the
album tonight. And we can start production on it immediately. Good.
Hyoyeon looked at her for a long moment. She wondered what she must have
looked like from the outside looking in. Was the forceful stamping down of emotion,
desperate climbing into her Idol Group Leader skin visible from the outside?
Okay. That was all Hyoyeon said.
Okay, Taeyeon agreed. She stood abruptly, throwing down enough money to
cover her coffee and Hyoyeons meal. Its on me. I gotta run, I have a schedule.
Arms folded across Hyoyeons chest; she sat back. Of course you do.
Taeyeon looked out the window for a moment and then smiled tightly at her old
friend. See yousee you tonight.

Taeyeon sat in the recording studio, listening to the mastered version of the last song
she had recorded. She had heard it thirty or forty times, mastered, by now. It was settling
into the grooves of her brain. She looked at her phone.
128 unread messages.
She swallowed hard and began to diligently scroll through each one. There was no way
she could reply to each and every one. There was a pang of guilt associated with each
and every attempt at communication from people she loved, attempts that had gone
ignored. She sighed, rubbing her temples. She continued scrolling up until her finger
landed on a name that she knew she hadnt seen in her texts list for three months.
Yeppeuni Hwang

She opened the message.

Taeyeon~ Im getting into Seoul Friday morning ^^ Would you want to meet me at the
airport? Let me know!
She sucked in a sharp breath. The message was five days old. She continued scrolling
until the name, the familiar heart shape, appeared again. This was from three days ago.
Okaaaaaaay, Im guessing no reply means youre busy, keke ^^ Its ok, Jessi says shell
pick me up. No problem ^_~
The next message was immediately above it, only fifteen minutes between.
But! Maybe we could have dinner the night I get in? Or just drinks, knowing you,
kekekeke. Missed you a lot, let me know ^^
Her fingers scrolled hastily now, ignoring any other names except the pressing bold one,
the starkly mocking heart shape. The next one was from the day before.
Jessi says youre pretty busy lately, so Im guessing dinner or drinks wont be possible?
No problem ^^ But Ill see you at dinner tomorrow, right? I miss you a lot, TaeTae. Its
hard to talk like this. Thats why I didnt text you before. Okay. Miss you ^^
Another one, only a few hours later.
Im in Seoul! Hey, havent seen you in group chat, by the way. The rest of the girls are
there. Anyway, let me know if you want to hang out today, otherwise Ill see you
tomorrow.
The next one was from the previous night. Taeyeon suspected it had come in when she
had pressed Lee Kiyoung up against the door of her apartment, her hand snaking
underneath her skirt.
Guess Ill see you tomorrow night? Jessi says you havent touched base with her but that
she doesnt think youd miss it. Please come? I miss you so much. I have so much to tell
you. Youre not ignoring me, right? I bet you wouldnt kekekeke ^^ Miss you, TaeTae.
That was the last one. There was a string of messages from her manager, a few from the
other girls. She replied to the ones from her manager, confirming schedules and
appointments. The mastered version of her song picked up its loop for the fourth time.
She read the last message from the little heart shape one last time. Her eyes traced the
words. It wasnt until the song picked up to loop for the fifth time that she managed to
press reply and type out a message.
See you tonight, Fany.

chapter two
Taeyeon twirled her pen distractedly between her fingers. Looking across the mic,
she met Juhyuns eyes and smiled at her. Juhyun smiled back; Taeyeons heart
swelled. Seo Juhyun was someone she would never tire of staring at. She was
graceful in ways that defied language. Taeyeon loved her very much.
When the commercials ended, Taeyeon plugged her headphones in again.
Taeyeons Late Night Radio picks up the second half with a guest that Late Night
listeners should hopefully be very familiar with, unless they want to make me angry.
This is a person who is so cute, you instantly want to take care of her, yet someone
who is so bright and mature, you can feel only frustration that she wont let you. In
the studio with me is Seohyun, please welcome her.
Juhyun leaned toward the mic to introduce herself. Taeyeon watched her
attentively; it was second nature at this point. Every word and syllable was a
reflection of nine different people.
Seohyun sshi, she said, the term dripping with such forced formality that Seohyun
laughed. We know each other pretty well, right?
Mmm, Juhyun agreed. I think we are familiar with one another.
Yes, Seohyun and I have worked together in the past, Taeyeon joked. Im
Seohyuns fan.
Truthfully, Im Taeyeons fan.
Yes, Taeyeon said distractedly, looking down at her script. Thats why I invited
you. Seohyun, I wont beat around the bush, because youre a guest that
truthfully, regular listeners should really know a lot about you, since I talk about you
a lot.
Yes.
So Ill ask the question I think everyone wants to hear the most. Since youve
released your first solo album, many people, I think, are curious about the answer
to this question. Especially since the album is doing so well, and the song had an
all-kill on music charts, so certainly a lot of people are wondering about this
question.
All right.
The question iswho is your favorite member of Girls Generation?
For the first night in many, Taeyeon wrapped two hours of radio without a
headache. The mixture of Juhyuns company, the vibrant atmosphere in the booth
that night (many of the writers were Seohyun fans), and the vitamins and water
Juhyun had brought Taeyeon before the show started not only relieved her of the

tension in her head, but did the trick of allowing her to forget about the mounting
anxiety of that nights dinner.
Of course, as soon as she finished recording, the comfort and ease melted away
and her stomach tightened. She realized with a start that she was about thirty
minutes away, give or take traffic or a hold-up from fans on the way out of the MBC
building, from seeing a person she wanted very badly to look at and very powerfully
knew she shouldnt.
She waited patiently while Juhyun distributed signed copies of her album to the
staff, greeting each and every staff member individually with an earnest and
professional fashion that again made Taeyeons heart swell. It was difficult not to
see Juhyun as something between a little sister and a daughter. Logically, she
knew there was only a two year difference between the two of them and that she,
Taeyeon, was hardly mature enough to qualify as much of an older sister, let alone
a mother, but her heart could not help but feel that way every time she looked at
the girl she had watched grow up for eleven years.
Unni. Juhyun was in front of her suddenly, looking down at her with warm, placid
eyes. Are you ready to go?
Yes. She took Juhyuns hand, lacing their fingers together. Come on, theres a
back exit to the parking garage, we can avoid the fans.
Certain fans were unavoidable, though. A few of the girls who followed her were
gathered around her Kia Amanti when they rounded the parking garage corner.
Taeyeon pressed the lock button on her keys just to hear it honk loudly and startle
the fans. She smiled wryly; Juhyun nudged her, but Juhyun didnt live with the daily
headache.
Taeyeon opened the passenger door for Juhyun and let her in. One of the fans was
standing at her elbow. Her head pounded suddenly. She slammed the door.
Do you all want to get run over, she said softly, edgily. She rounded the car and
opened the drivers side door.
Are you going to Jessicas? one of the fans asked politely.
Usually she ignored them. Tonight the anxiety was scraping at the self-control she
had worked years to build up. She rolled her eyes, spat, Dont you already know?
and then climbed into the car, slamming the door after herself. With a roar of the
engine, she peeled out of the parking garage, not bothering to make sure she had
cleared them from in front of the car. Undoubtedly they would follow. Undoubtedly a
group of them were already waiting at Jessicas for her. She growled unintelligibly
under her breath as she eased her car out into the Seoul traffic.
Juhyun put one cool hand on the side of Taeyeons neck. Unni, take it easy. They
just want to rile you up.
Why is it me.
All of the other girls had stalker fans who occasionally followed them, showed up at

their apartments in the hopes of seeing them, or followed them to various filming
and schedules, but she was the only one with a dedicated group that followed her
every move. She couldnt sneeze without one of them offering her a tissue,
appearing from behind some circumspect hiding space. One had cornered her in a
public bathroom once.
I dont know, Juhyun said thoughtfully. You must have done something to
encourage their behavior
Taeyeons eyes narrowed. She changed lanes abruptly because there was a taxi
behind her. She knew. So its my fault then, she said bitterly. Her tone held a hint
of defensiveness and reproof but she smiled because, in all things, she didnt want
to hurt Juhyun.
No, Juhyun said delicately. She paused. But maybe you should consider the
impression you give them.
Taeyeon was silent as she maneuvered her car through Friday night central Seoul
traffic. Perhaps it was sheer willfulness, but she had no idea what Juhyun meant.
Of the nine of them, Taeyeon was the most stand-offish with fans; she was known
for it, actually, and had often seen fans discussing it on the internet. She had
worked hard to train the fans into understanding that there was a distinct line
between acceptable fan behavior and unacceptable fan behavior. She went out of
her way to be kind and approachable during public fan events like fan meetings,
signings, concerts, show tapings. The moment a fan overstepped their bounds and
inched into her private life, she was quick to change her attitude toward them. She
had done this for years and as such had developed a reputation for her hot/cold
behavior among fans. For that reason alone, she could not understand what
compelled these girls to follow her around. Certainly they knew that the moment
they had started, she had immediately begun to hate them. Why her, of all people?
Many of the other members were far more indulgent toward disrespectful fans. Why
not them?
She realized with a start that she was fuming heavily, exhaling angrily out of her
nose just like Juhyun did when she was angry. For her part, Juhyun was looking at
her softly out of the side of her eyes.
Relax, unni.
Usually Taeyeon hated being told to relax. She disliked any blatant dismissal of her
feelings. But Juhyun was an exception; Juhyun got away with a lot around her. It
was impossible to be angry at Juhyun.
She exhaled, letting the tension melt out of her body. Traffic had slowed to a crawl.
Ah. Juhyun looked at her phone. Its Hyoyeon unni.
Mmm. She tried to get into the right lane for her upcoming exit. Whatd she say?
Hurry up, were waiting on you two and Im impatient asas heck. Juhyun
pursed her lips. Taeyeon doubted Hyoyeons text had been that mild.

What? she snapped. Coming from Dobong is a piece of cake, so of course you
got there before us, try navigating traffic out of Yeouido, see how you fu
Unni, Juhyun said mildly, eyebrows raised.
Taeyeon sighed for what felt like the millionth time that night.
Juhyun put her phone away. Are you anxious about seeing Tiffany unni?
Taeyeon chuckled dryly. Juhyun really didnt beat around the bush. It was
surprising, though, since the magnae was not usually the prying type. Taeyeon
gave it some thought before answering.
Not anxious, really.
Excited?
Well.
Well?
Its somewhere between there. She breathed. She didnt dare turn her head to
make eye contact with Juhyun; she could feel the sympathetic, pitying gaze. That
was how they all looked at her when it came to Tiffany. Pity. Oh you poor
languishing thing. She clicked her tongue impatiently.
Look at it professionally, Juhyun suggested. Doesnt that make it easier? Instead
of thinking about Just think about how we can start on another group album,
unni.
Right, Taeyeon agreed, feeling like a robot. Human mode disabled. Leader mode
enabled. Work, work, work; the sum of nine parts was a pop album with sweat and
tears in it. There was no feeling or desire in it. It was easier that way.

Jessica and Tiffanys apartment was four flights up. Taeyeon had unconsciously
dragged her feet, but Juhyun was a slow walker anyway. Jessica had called
through the buzzer that the door was open; they knocked twice before opening it.
Beyond the threshold, the pressing milieu of the past ten years of her life hit her,
wrapped itself around her, swept into her lungs and pinned her to the floor.
When the nine of them got together, it was loud. Suffocating. Irrepressible.
Beautiful.
Taeyeon prided herself on a lack of soppy emotion when it came to things like this,
but occasionally it was okay to admit it.
Took you long enough, Jessica complained, taking their coats at the door. They
slipped out of their shoes. Yoona, Hyoyeon, and Yuri were gathered around the

television, which was set to a low murmur, talking loudly about the news broadcast.
Sunkyu was in the adjoining kitchen, counting utensils and arguing with Sooyoung,
who was holding two bottles of beer for no discernible reason, except perhaps that
Sooyoung really liked beer, which Taeyeon guessed was actually a very discernible
reason.
We had to stop for stomach medicine, Taeyeon explained, when I heard you
were cooking.
Jessica punched her in the arm, hard. Jackass. I ordered in.
Oh, thank god.
Wheres Tiffany unni? Juhyun asked, helping Jessica hang up their coats in the
front closet. The back of Taeyeons neck prickled uncomfortably.
Outside. Jessica gestured with her head toward the back door, beyond which lay
the balcony. Smoking.
Juhyun wrinkled her nose. Is she back to that?
Somehow picked it up in L.A. again, Jessica said with a shrug. Im going to get
her to quit. Her eyes scanned over to Taeyeon, meeting her gaze and locking it.
So youre alive, huh.
Taeyeon smiled faintly, looking down at herself for a moment. Seems so.
Jessica rolled her eyes. With an impatient head shake she grabbed Taeyeon by the
shoulders and hugged her tightly. Jerk. Answer my texts sometimes, okay?
Okay. Her tone was soft as she relaxed in Jessicas arms. Jessica gave good
hugs. It was difficult for Taeyeon, who could only pat her awkwardly on the back in
response, to feel as though she even deserved them. They were warm and
honesteverything Taeyeon wasnt. She sighed. Im sorry. Ive been
Busy, Jessica finished with a laugh and as she pulled away, Taeyeon could see
her rolling her eyes again. I know.
Then she said, Juhyun and reached past her to pull the youngest into a hug but
at that moment the back door slid open and a rush of cold air accompanied the
most breathtaking person Taeyeon had ever laid eyes on. Her stomach fell. She
was going to be sick.
Tiffany unni! Juhyun cried and Tiffany turned, her dark hair moving around her
face in slow motion, perfect white teeth flashed in accordance with two upturned
eyes. Taeyeon choked on a gasping breath; it was stupid, it was dramatic, it was
like she was fifteen years old again.
Juhyunnie, Tiffany said warmly, striding across the apartment to wrap Juhyun in a
hug and her proximity nearly knocked Taeyeon off her feet; if Jessica hadnt been
standing right beside her, holding her up with sheer force of magnetic will, Taeyeon
wondered if she mightve collapsed.

Juhyun was released and Taeyeons best friend turned to her, smiling so
refreshingly sweet and forgivingthere was no bitterness, no condemnationand
put her arms around Taeyeon.
I missed you, TaeTae.
Taeyeon breathed in, holding onto Tiffany with one arm. She kept the other
pressed immobile to her side, knowing that if she risked to wrap it around Tiffanys
warm, lithe figure that she would be rendered incapable of letting go. She breathed
in.
You smell awful, she lied, mumbling into Tiffanys hair. The smell of cigarette
smoke clung to her. It was usually enough to nauseate Taeyeon, but this was
Tiffany, and there was nothing about Tiffany that each of Taeyeons five senses
didnt find perfect. She swallowed hard; with one hand, Tiffany hit her back
playfully.
Jerk. There was a smile in her tone. Cant you just say you missed me?
She pulled away and couldnt help but fall into Tiffanys eyes, liquid brown and
hypnotizing.
I missed you.
Tiffany grinned. Me too. She looked over her shoulder and then suddenly
Taeyeon was reminded that not all of her senses found Tiffanys Everything perfect,
as Tiffany shouted in that way-too-loud voice: Yeah! Is the food here yet?
She smiled briefly at Taeyeon, squeezed her hand, and then walked off to harass
Sunkyu. Juhyun followed along behind her (probably not with any intentions of
harassment). Taeyeon watched her. Her insides felt numb. Once again her skin
tingled, seemed at once on fire with the need to press against a mattress, feel skin
around her thighs, a tongue in her mouth. She felt helpless and could not
understand why.
Jessica wrapped an arm around her shoulder tightly. Her lips pressed briefly
against Taeyeons temple. Taeyeon knew without looking that Jessicas gaze was
probably saturated in pity. Just like all the rest.
Come on, baby, Jessica murmured in her ear, pulling her bodily toward the
kitchen. I bought your favorite wine.
Taeyeon exhaled, long and measured. Yes. She would need wine.

Stephanie Hwang was a living angel with a halo behind her head.
Taeyeon smiled at her drowsily.

It was not a halo actually just a white pillow on Jessicas white couch but it meant the
same thing, deep down.
Hello, she said, and there was a moment when Tiffanys smile was so blinding white, so
naturally pure, that Taeyeon worried her headache would come back.
Hello. Tiffanys voice, Tiffanys voice, so low, so raspy, so very much the greatest thing
to ever happen to Taeyeons ears. Taeyeon leaned in, pressed her body close. Tiffanys
body hummed, vibrated. Warm. Buzzing.
Youre drunk, Tiffany said softly.
Mmm, Taeyeon agreed. She had Tiffany pinned to the couch. She could make love to
Tiffany on this couch. With all of these people watching. She didnt care. If Tiffany said
the word, she would. All she needed was the smallest bit of encouragement and she
would press Tiffany against the yielding couch cushions, put her mouth on every
centimeter of flawless skin, skin that she had dreamt about. She would draw her own
name from Tiffanys lips, make her tremble with want the way she had for years and
years. And they would watch and maybe they would stop pitying her.
Tiffany giggled softly, brushing Taeyeons bangs off her forehead. She didnt seem to
mind being pressed against the couch like this. Her legs had even opened for Taeyeon,
and Taeyeon swallowed hard, pressed herself between Tiffanys legs and wanted her
with her whole being.
I thought you were going to grow your bangs out, Tiffany commented.
I will if you want me to, she said candidly. Id do anything you wanted.
Tiffany laughed outright. Noooo, I just expected to come back after three months and
youd be showing that sexy forehead of yours.
She looked into Tiffanys eyes. They were eyes you could look into for the rest of your
life. Music was her life, her passion, but she would give it up just to stare into Tiffanys
eyes for her entire life. With permission. Always with permission.
I missed you. The words tasted bitter on her tongue but she meant them sweetly,
sincerely. Looking at Tiffany day in and day out was painful, but it was the good kind of
pain, the aching pain like long nails scratching her back, or the bitter acidic burn of hard
liquor clearing her throat. Good pain, pain she longed for.
Tiffanys smile was soft. Sad? I missed you, too.
Why didnt you call. Her voice felt faraway. Rough. She had drank too much. As usual.

Would you have answered?

She wasnt sure. Yes. Yes.
Taeyeon, youre drunk. It was Sooyoung. She was pulling Taeyeons arm. She was
trying to take Taeyeon away from Tiffany. She wrenched her arm away, snuggled into
Tiffanys embrace. Tiffany accepted her. Her arms came around Taeyeons back. She
put her head in the crook of Tiffanys neck, where it didnt smell like cigarette smoke, it
smelled like a girl she had met at fifteen years old and promptly fallen in love with.
Wanna stay.
Its okay, she heard Tiffany say. I got her.
Sooyoung lingered by them. Sooyoung was drunk, too, yet Taeyeon was sure she was
looking down at her with pity. Are you really okay? Shes
Its fine, Tiffany said lightly. They talked about her like she wasnt there. Taeyeon was a
problem that the members had to deal with sometimes. Someone should check on
Taeyeon. Have you heard from Taeyeon. Does Taeyeon know about this. When
Taeyeon finds out she will be upset. Did Taeyeon say anything to you. Did Taeyeon do
anything to you. Did Taeyeon hurt you. The problem the problem the problem was
Taeyeon.
She felt like crying. She pressed herself into Tiffany. It was the closest she would ever
get.
Tiffany would never love her like she loved Tiffany but at least Tiffany didnt hate her for
it, at least Tiffany wasnt disgusted, or afraid. Or concerned. Concern was the worst.
There were few phrases she disliked more than Taeyeon Im concerned.
I am drunk, Taeyeon announced suddenly. She felt she should be upfront with Tiffany,
who was so pure and good. Then she felt self-conscious. Dont take me seriously, Im
drunk.
Yes, baby, I know youre drunk, Tiffany said. She was smiling. She was so pretty.
Youre so pretty.
Tiffany laughed.
I love you.
Another laugh. She lifted Taeyeons bangs off her forehead again. Love you, too.
If only unni was this affectionate sober, Yoona commented. Where had Yoona come

from. Yoona was drunk. Yoona was a lousy drunk.

Go away, Yoona, Taeyeon said eloquently and Yoona laughed that great laugh, that
great Yoona laugh that was so much more Yoona when Yoona was drunk.
She looked down, and then she looked up. Jessica and Tiffanys apartment, quiet with
the comforting volume; the eight people she loved most in the world, maybe, although
she would never say it. When Tiffany had said, three months ago, that she needed a
break and was going to head back home to California to sort out her head, none of them
had suspected it would last as long as it didand yet none of them had really expected
her to come back. It wasnt that they thought she wouldntit was just too difficult to
have expectations.
Eight years ago they had been shoved out on a stage and forced to be a group, and so
sometimes they wondered if they were forced to be a family, too.
Taeyeon did, sometimes. She wondered sometimes if she loved the group because she
loved them, or if she loved them because she had to. But that night, pressed against her
best friend, the girl she loved, and surrounded by the group members that she needed
like air, she thought it wasnt an obligation, really. It was love, in a pure, drunk, beautiful
kind of way.

chapter three
The light had faded. She wasnt sure if she had fallen asleep, but the next time she
came to, the apartment was significantly quieter, darker, and Tiffany was
attempting to extricate herself from underneath Taeyeons body. The living room
was dark. They were alone.
Where are you going, she mumbled. She tightened her grip around Tiffanys
waist.
Just
Trying to get away from me, Taeyeon mumbled. She looked blearily at Tiffany. So
pretty. Are you afraid of me?
Tiffany gazed at her. Her expression was soft. Not at all. Never.
I would never hurt you.
TaeTae, I know that.
Her stomach lurched and fluttered. She loosened her grip a little.
I have to pee, Tiffany told her. She let her go and rolled over, burying her face in
the couch pillow.
Where is everyone?
They went home. She opened one eye. Tiffanys legs. The curve of her knee. She
reached out with one finger and touched her, lightly. Jessi said it would be better if
you stayed the night here.
Mmm. Can I sleep with you.
Tiffany laughed and ruffled her hair. Youre a pervert. Ill be right back. Go drink
some water.
She did stagger into the kitchen and drank glass after glass of water. She tried to
relax. Her mind felt fuzzy, pleasantly blurry, but she wanted to remember how the
evening had gone. They had eaten dinner after the food had arrived. She hadnt
eaten muchperhaps that was why she had gotten so drunkbut she had looked
at Tiffany from across the table and that had been enough. They had discussed the
next group album and had decided to meet with their producer within the next
week. They had discussed concepts, song ideas. They were excited about it. Their
sixth full-length album. It felt like it was a long-time coming, even if it really wasnt.
When Tiffany talked about L.A. her eyes lit up. Taeyeon was sure she had a
boyfriend. She was sure of it. She had drank a lot of wine to dull the ache.
Tiffany came back. She leaned against the kitchen door and watched Taeyeon

drinking water.
Taeyeon put the glass down. You gained a lot of weight.
Tiffany shoved her. Youre such an ass, oh my god.
Speaking of asses, yours is looking
She shoved her again. Jerk.
Taeyeon gazed at her. She wanted to say something but could not make herself.
Jessica came in then, dressed for bed. She grabbed a water bottle from the fridge.
Does Taengoo need blankets and pillows or are you going to grab some for her?
she asked Tiffany.
Tiffany shrugged. She can sleep in my bed.
Jessica looked at her. Her expression was very serious. Taeyeon stiffened.
Are you Jessica began, but Taeyeon pushed past both of them on the way back
to the living room.
Ill sleep on the couch.
Then Tiffany, who didnt know how to whisper properly, said in a hushed tone,
Stop making her feel bad.
I just dont want you to be uncomfortable
Its fine
Taeyeon pulled off her jeans and collapsed onto the couch again. Jessica came in
and kissed her forehead. She put a water bottle on the table next to the couch.
Love you, Taengoo. Let me know if you need anything.
Dont want you to be uncomfortable, Taeyeon retorted, but regretted it the
moment she saw Jessicas face fall. It wasnt Jessicas fault she was like this. It
was her fault, everything was her own fault. She shouldve fallen in love with
someone else. She grabbed Jessicas wrist. Love you, too.
Tiffany had gone into her room and came back with a blanket and a pillow. Jessica
went to bed. Tiffany lifted Taeyeons bangs off her forehead again. Taeyeon gazed
up at her. She thought her expression was probably not dissimilar to worship. Other
people looked up to the heavens for comfort, but Taeyeon needed only to look up
to Tiffany.
You can come sleep with me, Tiffany said, but Taeyeon took the pillow and
blanket anyway.
You dont know what Ill do to you in your sleep.

Tiffany chuckled. She put her hand on Taeyeons cheek. Absolutely nothing.
Because you would never hurt me. Good-night.
She tried to get comfortable on the couch but it was difficult and she felt guilt and
her head was killing her.

There was no glamor to waking up alone, either.

She groaned and rolled over. Her neck and upper back were both stiff. The three of
them had been too drunk the previous night to think about closing the curtains in
the living room. Without opening her eyes Taeyeon knew just how much light was
threatening to split through and make the pounding in her head worse.
She blinked slowly. Slept with her contacts in, again. A groan slipped past her lips.
Taengoo. Jessica slapped her butt. Rise and shine.
Taeyeon screwed her eyes shut. There was nothing worse than being woken up by
Jessica, who had perfected the art of waking people up in the most obnoxious ways
possible, mostly in retaliation of all the years they had all spent attempting various
methods on her.
What time is it. Her voice sounded as rough as it felt.
A little after eleven, Jessica chirped. Jessica was awful because Jessica never
got hungover. Not only was she a charming, happy, clingy drunk, but she never got
hungover. Taeyeon hated her. Or would, if she could.
Ugh. She rolled onto her back. On the table next to the couch was a glass of
water and a bottle of pain medicine. Sitting up, she tipped the bottle into her mouth
and washed down the pills with water.
Thats more than the recommended dosage, Jessica said thoughtfully. She sat on
the table, crossing her legs primly.
Taeyeon closed her eyes, massaging the bridge of her nose. Youre more than the
recommended dosage. What did I do last night.
Got drunk.
Obviously, Taeyeon retorted.
And didnt wake up with a strange girl, for once.
Youre pretty strange.
Jessica grinned. She moved to sit behind Taeyeon and then massaged her temples
gingerly. Taeyeon leaned back into her touch.

You just clung to Tiffany all night and whined about how much you loved her.
Taeyeon cringed. She could actually feel her head throbbing.
So nothing unusual then, she said bitterly.
Nope, run-of-the-mill drunk Taengoo, Jessica said softly. How are you?
What do you mean? Jessica remained silent, gently massaging her head. It felt
good. Taeyeon sighed. Its a little hard to see her. But
But?
But. As hard as it is, its a lot harder to not see her. She frowned. Does that make
sense.
Yeah. Jessica kissed the back of her head. I love you, Taengoo.
Taeyeons skin felt prickly. Mmm, she agreed. She knew Jessica wouldnt expect
her to say it back. Not sober. It wasnt in her personality.
I just want you to be happy.
Taeyeon thought about it for a long time. I am happy, she lied. She felt Jessicas
arms wrap around her shoulders from behind, felt her press another kiss to the
back of her head. She could tell Jessica didnt believe her. Jessica, like the rest of
them, pitied her.
But all she said was Okay, and then she stood and headed toward the bathroom
to shower, mumbling something about having to meet unni for a late breakfast.
Taeyeon released an unstrung sigh and fell back on the couch, nursing a pounding
headache. She was beginning to forget what a head that wasnt pounding and
throbbing painfully even felt like.
She felt a weight on her shoulder and when she opened her eyes she found Tiffany
nestled against her side, eyes closed. Her hair was a mess and her face was lined
with sleep. Taeyeon shifted as gently as she could to make room for her best
friend.
Good morning, Tiffany mumbled sleepily.
Morning. She cleared her throat. The discomfort was throbbing in her veins.
About last night
Mmm.
Sorry I well
For what?
For

Shhhh, Tiffany hissed and she flung an arm around Taeyeons waist. Lets
sleep.

The next time she woke up the headache was a little better but the dryness in her
mouth was a million times worse, the couch was cold and uncomfortable, and she
was alone. She wandered into the kitchen to drink water. She liked looking at all the
magnets and pictures and notes Jessica and Tiffany had collected on their
refrigerator. She liked Jessica and Tiffanys apartment a lot. When the lease on
their old dorm had ended and theyd decided to move into their own apartments,
Taeyeon hadnt actually expected the two of them to move in together. She knew,
of course, how close they were, but they argued so often she hadnt expected it.
They were a nice fit, though.
Hyoyeon and Juhyun moving in together had made less sense, even, although they
had been roommates at their old dorm. Taeyeon could never quite figure out how
the two had managed to fit together so well; in a lot of ways they seemed like polar
opposites. Juhyun was straight-laced, neat, meticulous, organizedHyoyeon was
none of that. Yet they fit together so well; Juhyun cleaned up Hyoyeons messes
while Hyoyeon forced the straight-laced magnae to be a bit more flexible, an
accomplishment the rest of the group had been attempting to achieve
for years. Somehow, despite their differences, they were perfect as roommates.
Taeyeon supposed that, in a way, the trio of Yuri, Sooyoung, and Yoona were
technically also perfect as roommates, although she was loath to admit it. When
they had announced that they would be springing for a bigger apartment so that the
three of them could live together, her initial response had been, Is it really safe to
put so many stupid people under one roof? They were bad enough on their own,
but if you put any of them together you wound up with a chemical compound of so
much immature jackassery it shouldve been illegalTaeyeon thought this lovingly,
of course. Still, they somehow worked as roommates, perhaps mostly because
it was better to confine their stupidity to one place rather than scattering it about
SeoulTaeyeon thought this lovingly, too, of course.
She and Sunkyu had considered moving in together but they both knew it wouldnt
happen. Certainly Sunkyu was the member she confided in the most, the member
she was incredibly close to, and they had lived comfortably as roommates for many
years, but Sunkyu knew better than most people how much of a loner Taeyeon
was. And she had wanted to be with her family, who lived in Seoul anyway. She
had moved back home with them while Taeyeon had gone out of her way to get a
small apartment out of Gangnam, where the rest of the girls were livingit wasnt
terrifically far, just far enough to give her an excuse to decline invitations when she
just wasnt in the mood for socializing. It was nothing against them; it was just her
nature. She preferred isolation and had already lived many years surrounded by
them.
There had been rumors on the internet, at the time, that there must have been rifts
in Girls Generations friendships if leader Taeyeon was living alone, but no one had
ever understood Girls Generation except Girls Generation.

The balcony door opened then and Tiffany came in from outside. She was
showered and dressed but now she smelled like cigarette smoke
You better quit, Taeyeon said. She leaned against the counter and drank water.
Tiffany smirked. Yeah, or youll do what?
A frown settled on Taeyeons lips. She decided not to rise to the bait. Come on. I
thought you quit.
I did, she replied, but I started again while I was in L.A., and
Its bad for you, it smells, and were going to be working on our comeback, so your
throat and lungs need to be in excellent shape.
Oh, so this is an order from the team leader?
Taeyeon looked at her. No. Its a request. From your best friend.
Tiffanys smile was beautiful. All right.
Thank you.
Tiffany brushed past her to open up the refrigerator. She did smell like cigarette
smoke but she also smelled good, clean. It stuck hard in Taeyeons throat and
became difficult to swallow. She closed her eyes. The ache in her head had dulled
to a steady, humming throb. Easier to ignore.
Do you have somewhere to be? Tiffany sounded hesitant. Or can you stick
around.
She wanted very badly to lie to her best friend and make a hasty getaway. She
could only handle so much closeness for so long before the proximity began to
drive her insane. But it had been three months. And the earnestness in Tiffanys
tone made her insides feel soft. Tiffany wanted her there.
She paused. I dont have anywhere to be, she said. Do you want breakfast?
That smile again. Her entire body throbbed just looking at it. Yes, please.
Okay, Taeyeon said, looking in the refrigerator over Tiffanys shoulder. I guess
Ill make you a western-style breakfast or
Tiffanys hand wrapped securely around her elbow. She looked into Taeyeons
eyes. Ive been eating western food for the last three months, she admitted. I
kind of missed your Korean food.
Taeyeon nodded, numb. Kimchi fried rice, it is.

They stood at the counter and ate from the pan. Drinking water and eating made
Taeyeons headache slip through her skull and disappear. Things felt like old times,
suddenly. They leaned against the counter and caught up, trading stories of what they
had done over the past three months. This space, where their words met and brushed
against each other, the depths of Tiffanys rolling, throaty tone, the familiar entwining of
their laughterthis was where Taeyeon felt the most at home. Tiffanys crescent-shaped
eyes and her perfect white teeth, the soft skin along her cheekbone. This was home. She
had her best friend back.
So were you with your dad the entire time?
Noooo, Tiffany intoned, laughing. I mostly stayed with unni and her husband. I saw
Daddy a lot butI dont know, if I spent the entirety of three months around him Id
probably go crazy.
Mmm, maybe, Taeyeon agreed. She scraped the bottom of the pan. Or youd realize
you didnt want to come back.
It was a big part of why she rarely stayed with her parents for more than a few weeks at
a time. If she stayed too long, let Jeonju get back into her bloodstream, would she want
to come back to Seoul, to this complicated life with people she loved and a job she
couldnt live without and the hollow misery and/or happiness of the past eleven years of
her life? Would she start weighing the pros and cons, an activity she had avoided for
years, and come up with the realization that it, this life, wasnt for her? She was terrified
to find out.
Tiffany was silent for a long moment. Perhaps, like Taeyeon, she was trying to piece it
together, too.
No, she said at last. Id come back, no matter what. This is my home. My real home.
Taeyeon tried not to let on how surprised Tiffanys confession made her. Neither of them
had ever admitted to thinking of Seoul as home. It was easy to circumvent the depth of
the conversationhome is where the heart is or home is where your family iswhich
meant that home was both places. But Tiffany had never admitted to thinking of Seoul as
her real home.
Taeyeon ran the pan under the water and rolled up her sleeves to scrub it.
I guess its mine, too, she said quietly, thoughtfully.
It better be. Tiffanys tone sounded like it was struggling to remain light, casual. Your
home should always be where I am. She smiled.
Taeyeon frowned, scrubbing the sponge against the sticky sauce in the pan. Always?

But youll find someone else.

She said it with the kind of frank openness that being in love with one person for the
better part of your life would bring someone. She had long accepted it. Tiffany would find
a person who wasnt her, and she would love them and marry them. She, Taeyeon,
would remain in the wings, watching but not watching, alone but pretending not to be.
She had accepted it, and it was not quite as melancholy as words made it out to be.
Tiffany made coffee.
Maybe Ill find someone else, but Ill only ever have one TaeTae.
Her stomach felt very strange in response.
Speaking of having you, Tiffany went on and Taeyeons stomach somersaulted in turn;
her eyes caught Tiffanys twinkling mischievous eyes and she swallowed hard.
Having me?
Jessi told me you have a girlfriend. Tiffany grinned but Taeyeon snorted, rolling her
eyes back to her work. She let the soap suds creep up her wrists.
You know I dont do relationships.
Yeah, but Jessi said
Jessica is too deep into her own relationship to be able to comprehend other peoples,
Taeyeon retorted. She rinsed furiously. I dont do relationships.
Tiffany smirked. It was maddening. Jessica seemed pretty certain that you were seeing
one girl more than any other girls.
That doesnt make it a relationship.
She clapped her hands gleefully. Oh my god, you are!
Taeyeon shut off the water. For some reason a tension headache was building behind
her ears. She swallowed around the confusion in her throat and set the pan on the drying
rack. Tiffany was still smiling gleefully at her.
So whats her name? Do I know her? Jessi says shes the coordinator for Soojungs
group.
Taeyeon sighed. Tiffany was not going to give up.
Kang Hyejin and I dont know if you know her.

Did she ever work for us?

Why are you so nosy? Her eyes narrowed, partly in suspicion, but also in an attempt to
ward off the sharp pain of another headache.
Because! she whined. She handed Taeyeon a towel to wipe her hands with. You
dating someone is a big deal.
Im not dating her.
But you knew who I was talking about when I said you were dating someone, so you
admit that theres something unique about your relationship with her. Is she pretty?
Obviously shes pretty, Taeyeon said stiffly.
How old is she?
Our age. Why are you asking so many questions?
I cant be excited that my best friend has a hot girlfriend?
Shes not my girlfriend and who said shes hot?
Tiffany laughed outright. Well, if Kim Sleeps-With-A-Different-Girl-Every-Night Taeyeon
is going back to the same girl over and over again she must be pretty hot.
Youre just as annoying as Jessica, Taeyeon grumbled. Her ears felt hot. The
headache clenched around the base of her skull.
Can I meet her?
Taeyeon was about to lose her temper. She knew that Tiffany probably realized this;
Tiffany knew her better than anyone and knew her limits, her buttons, and how to push
them. Her mounting annoyance seemed to only bring Tiffany delight. The most annoying
thing was that Tiffany was so annoyingly pretty when she was amused like this. It staved
off her anger temporarily.
No.
Why not?
Do I have to introduce you to every girl I sleep with?
I dont think my brain has the capacity to deal with that many people, Tiffany
commented wryly, but if this ones your girlfriend, then yes, you have to introduce me.

She is not my girlfriend. I see her sometimes. I see a lot of people.

Yeah, but do you see all of them more than once?
Taeyeon remained silent. Tiffany had a point, even if she didnt get it.
Tiffany clapped again. Oh my god, this is so exciting. Ive been waiting for you to settle
down and get a girlfriend.
A pause. Tiffanys enthusiasm made her feel queasy. Why? she asked softly, but she
thought she knew the answer.
Because. Youre my best friend. And I want you to find someone who will make you
happy.
Or, thought Taeyeon as she studied Tiffanys face silently, impassively, you want me to
get over you so that you can stop feeling guilty all the time. You want me to find
someone else, so I can forget about you, and you can stop pitying me, worrying about
me, fearing me.
She released a sigh that stuck in her lungs a bit, forgetting to relieve her of any of the
pressure that had built up. Im gonna go.
Tiffany walked her to the door. Dont forget about dinner.
Dinner?
You promised to have dinner with me tonight.
I did?
Yeah, you promised last night.
Taeyeon slipped into her shoes, grumbling. You took advantage of me while I was
drunk?
You wish, Tiffany shot back, eyebrows raised. Taeyeon coughed quietly, embarrassed.
There are worse things than having dinner with me, she reminded Taeyeon teasingly.
Yeah? Taeyeon checked the time on her phone and then shoved it in her back pocket.
Ill try to think of some. Give me a call when youre ready.
Tiffany smoothed Taeyeons hair across her forehead and tucked it behind her ear.
Wordlessly, she closed the door. Outside it was cold as hell but Taeyeons skin was
burning. It had burned for more than ten years now.

chapter four
(2004)
Later, Kim Taeyeon will attempt to romanticize it and call it love at first sight. Its not
conscious dissimulation; its the frivolous imaginings of a mind streaked with
teenage love. Later, she can only recall the feeling in her stomach, the butterflies
that burst into busy activity and then settle down just as quickly as they come.
Later, she will fantasize that there were sparks when they first touched, when
Stephanie Hwangs tan, warm hand grabbed hers and she shook it enthusiastically.
She will fantasize that the world fell away and there was just the two of them and
that she was fifteen years old and in love.
Presently, though, her first thought is that Stephanie Hwang is too fat and hopes
that shes fatter than her, Taeyeon, who felt the fattest of all the trainees. It is the
sort of teenage insecurity that has come crashing down around her shoulders
without warning; back in Jeonju, it didnt feel this way. People in Seoul are thin,
beautiful, talented. At least she thinks so.
She thinks, with frustration, that the companys lack of organization is probably
intentional, to jerk them around, to keep them in their place. She has been with SM
Entertainment for barely four months and already she feels jaded, cynical. She has
jumped through numerous hoops and all she wants is to sing. She thinks this
quietly, staring into the dark pools of Stephanies eyes. The only indication shes
received that she will have a new roommate is another one of the girls in the dorm,
earlier that morning, saying there had been a message on the machine that another
trainee would be joining them in the hostel and that they should make room.
Taeyeons room is the only one still unfilled; the hostel is full to brimming now,
sevennow eightgirls of various ages all under one roof, sevennow eight
girls with nearly identical schedules, sevennow eightgirls with the same
industrious rawness in their eyes, exhaustion in their bones, tension in their
muscles.
The other trainee, whose name Taeyeon still hasnt memorized, because she isnt
in the same practice group as Taeyeon and there are too many names to learn
anyway, had told her to make room for the new girl and she had, moderately. She
has little in the way of possessions, truthfully, and feels barely moved in herself.
When she comes back from practice that night, sore and aching, the tan girl with
dyed blonde hair is in her room, looking at the framed pictures of Taeyeons family
on the wardrobe. Taeyeon sets her backpack down on the floor with a thud and the
girl turns. She is chubby. Her eyes disappear completely and her smile is bright,
magnetic, and Taeyeon feels herself smiling back unconsciously as the girl dips
down in a low bow.
Hello! she greets excitedly and with one word Taeyeon can tell shes a foreigner,
the American accent in even her greeting unmistakeable. You must be Kim
Taeyeon.
She bows as well. Yeah.

Taeyeon is not shy, although many take her to be so; she suspects Stephanie
Hwang thinks so too when she doesnt ask for her name, but its not in Taeyeons
nature to prod answers out of people if they dont give it up in the first place.
The bright smile falters, but only slightly. Im Stephanie. Hwang. Stephanie. Im
from California.
Nice to meet you. She smiles but it hurts her cheeks. She looks down.
Stephanie looks at her expectantly.
Im going to shower, Taeyeon says, and the communication is broken.
She showers. When she comes out, Stephanie showers, and Taeyeon does
homework in the meantime. She is in bed, lights out, before Stephanie finishes her
shower. In the morning, she leaves for school before Stephanie is awake. They
spend the next week seeing each other seldom, if at all. They only share the large
dance class together at SM. At home they eat separately, do homework separately.
It is a vague, tiring routine.
She thinks, often, that Stephanie is very pretty, but she thinks many people are
pretty, and the thoughts are drowned out by thoughts of school, training, school,
training, school, training, losing weight, mom, dad, oppa, Hayeon, the crushing
loneliness. There is too much. Her mind feels compacted. When the thoughts of
Stephanie come, sometimes forcefully, demanding, she pushes them out and
resolves to think about them tomorrow.
What shes avoiding thoughts of, really, she doesnt know. She just knows it feels
better if she doesnt think about it.

Taeyeon sshi. Are you done?

Its the weekend. Taeyeon is eating. Stephanie is doing the sink full of dishes left
behind by their various roommates.
Taeyeon looks down at her bowl. Mmm. She holds it tight in her hand as
Stephanie attempts to take it from her.
Ill do it, Stephanie says kindly. Her speech is funny. Its not even that the
pronunciation is pooralthough it isbut that she says everything with such a
short tongue. Its cute.
No, Taeyeon says. She stands. Why did you do this whole sink full of dishes?
You shouldve left them to be cleaned up by whoever dirtied them.
I just want to be useful.
Taeyeon frowns. You have just as much use as anyone else, she says stonily,

rinsing her bowl. This is as complicated and lengthy as their conversations get. She
feels like Stephanie walks on eggshells around her. She has taken more quickly to
the other roommates, the other trainees.
Stephanie is about to leave, so Taeyeon says, Stephanie sshi.
Stephanie stops. Already she is becoming paler, thinks Taeyeon, and shes only
been out of California for a few weeks now. Isnt that funny.
What year were you born?
1989. You?
Taeyeon smiles. Oh. Were the same age.
Stephanies eyes widen. Taeyeon cant help but bristle at the surprise, but shes
used to it. She is growing slowly, but theres still time; shes only fifteen.
Really? Stephanie says excitedly. Lets be friends, then.
Okay.
Okay, Taeyeon-ah?
It sounds cute from her, somehow, and Taeyeon looks down busily into the soap
suds spilling out of her bowl. Y-yes Stephanieyah
Stephanie giggles. This is cute, too. Taeyeons cheeks feel very warm.
Since were friends, Ill teach you how to say my name, okay? Ste-pha-nie. Okay?
She nods numbly, not daring to repeat it back. She knows she will get it wrong. The
F sound is difficult on its own, never mind adding junk before and after it. But
Stephanie is looking at her expectantly, so she mumbles out the name quickly,
hoping that itll suffice.
Stephanie shakes her head and repeats: Ste-pha-nie
Its too long, Taeyeon says hotly. She sets the bowl on the drying rack. Whats
your Korean name?
Now Stephanie blushes. The pink against the tan of her cheeks is oddly
mesmerizing. Shes pretty, Taeyeon thinks and then thinks it again before she can
make herself un-think it. Shes pretty.
Not telling, Stephanie says.
Well
She tries to brush past Stephanie out the door but Stephanie moves her body
forward, swings into Taeyeons personal space, and there is little she can do to
stop herself from bumping bodily into Stephanie. Her body feels warm. She is

radiating warmth. Taeyeons ears feel hot. Her throat closes up.
How about this? Stephanie is too close. Her voice is very loud, rough. Yet
melodic. Taeyeon feels like she cant breathe. How about just the last two
syllables. Pha-nie. Ffffff. Fany.
Pany, Taeyeon attempts and the smile Stephanie bestows on her is so beautiful
she has to step backward.
Close enough, Stephanie says.

A few nights later she watches from her bed, in the dimness of the dark moonlit
bedroom, as Stephanie comes out of the shower, wrapped in a towel. She is
unable to sleep that night. She thinks its probably the moonlight, which can make
anything look beautiful, irresistible. She thinks it might just be that the curve where
shoulder meets neck might be beautiful on anyone, and she theorizes that there is
nothing abnormal in thinking girls are beautiful, since doesnt it seem as though
girls were made to be beautiful? Its a resolution she has contented herself with
many times in the past; it was fine to notice how pretty girls were because that was
the point of girls. They were pretty. To notice that much wasnt weird; it was normal.
It doesnt help her go to sleep but it helps her through the next week, when
Stephanie is near and her skin looks smooth and sweet and her hair smells nice. It
is not the first time she has felt this way about a girl, but its certainly the most
powerful.

Its when they have grown used to each other that Stephanie is transferred into her
trainee group, the sprawling cavalcade of girls unlovingly dubbed Girl Group. For
the first time, they spend the entirety of their practice together and leave at the
same time. She waits with something approaching impatience as Stephanie says
goodbye to everyone, because Stephanie is that kind of a person.
They head to the subway together.
Where are we going? Stephanie asks.
Subway.
Why?
Taeyeon blinks at her. To get home.
Oh! Stephanies eyes are wide like a puppys. You can take the subway home?
Of course. Taeyeon frowns. How have you been getting home?

Cab.
What, Taeyeon snaps and feels bad when Stephanie recoils at the sharpness of
her tone. Thats such a waste of money, Fany.
Stephanie scratches the back of her neck in a clumsy, anxious gesture that makes
Taeyeons stomach feel strange, fluttery. I didnt know how to use the subway,
so
Oh man. Taeyeon sighs. Thats you shouldve said something
She teaches Stephanie how to use the subway system and her ears become red
and stay red because Stephanie is so impressed with her knowledge. She doesnt
want to admit that she really only learned how to ride the subway a few months ago
herself, because shes a country kid, and no, she isnt cool, theres really nothing
cool about her, but Stephanie keeps smiling and poking her arm and the truth is,
she begins to feel sort of cool.
They decide to get dinner together. Taeyeon counts the money in her pocket with
her fingers, searching the streets for a place she thinks Stephanie would like. She
knows Stephanie and Sooyeon eat western food a lot. Western food never treats
Taeyeons stomach well, and its expensive, but her eyes seek out western
restaurants anyway.
How about here? Stephanie takes her elbow and gestures and it is a long
moment before Taeyeons eyes can focus on anything except Stephanies warm
hand wrapped around her elbow. When she looks up, she sees that theyre at a
noodle stand.
Here? Are you sure?
Yeah, why not? Its late and noodles are cheap
I figured youd want western food.
Stephanie shrugs. She waves her hands around frantically in the way that she does
when her Korean is failing her in an attempt to explain. They order noodles. The
ajumma gives them a lot because theyre the only customers and she says they
look skinny. It makes them laugh because it isnt something they hear often, not
while training. Taeyeons eagerness to pay for both of them somehow results in a
skirmish; she is unable to think straight, batting away Stephanies outstretched
hand with half the money in it.
The way Stephanie eats noodles is cute. Slurp once, slurp twice, big gulp of water.
Her cheeks become round and her eyes disappear. Her mouth is mesmerizing.
Taeyeon dislikes the feeling mostly because she likes it too much.
Taeyeon-ah, mumbles Stephanie in her terrible Korean; she touches Taeyeons
cheek with one finger and Taeyeon has trouble swallowing. Air becomes stuck in
her throat.

Hmm.
Im glad were in the same trainee group now. Her eyes disappear. Even though
her mouth is covered by the bowl shes lifted to her mouth, Taeyeon knows she is
smiling. She has memorized Stephanies smile. She can even see it when she
closes her eyes.
Me too.
Even if one of us gets cycled out, or we dont debut together, oreveneven if
one of us doesnt debut Lets stick together, okay?
Taeyeon is surprised to feel how quickly her own mouth turns up into a smile.
Okay.
Deal, okay?
Stephanie sticks out her pinkie. Something inside Taeyeon tells her that if she goes
ahead with this, she will never be able to look back. She hooks her pinkie around
Stephanies, touches their thumbs together, and falls head over heels.
Deal.

present
(2015)
Hey, whered you go?
Hyejin blinked up at her with sleepy concern. Taeyeon snapped her eyes back into focus;
her mind had wandered, as her mind was fond of doing. She smiled briefly, propping
herself up on her elbows as she looked down into Hyejins eyes.
Ah, I was just trying to gather my strength up for round three, she said with a grin.
Technically round four. Hyejin stretched beneath her, her soft skin pressed against her
own. You just spaced out suddenly.
Sorry. Taeyeon leaned down and kissed her, first on the forehead and then on the lips,
briefly. Sorry. A lot on my mind.
Like? Hyejins arms came around her waist, pulling her closer. This was their push-andpull, always. Taeyeon wanted sex. Hyejin wanted intimacy. Every encounter was a battle
to reconcile the two.
New album. You know. Work.

Hyejin tilted her head up for another kiss. And?

Taeyeon lifted one shoulder casually. Just work. She could see Hyejin wanting to ask
more and pressed a kiss above her brow, sighing. She slipped her hand between them,
hoping to distract her.
Successful, she coaxed Hyejin into round four and released a sigh from deep within her
chest. It felt warm between the sheets and she rolled off of the girl beneath her,
stretching out on her back and bringing one of the sheets with her, wrapping it around
her front for modesty while it stuck inelegantly to her skin. She had come straight over to
Hyejins apartment after leaving Tiffanys; her skin, muscles had felt crackling, like they
were on edge.
Hyejin was used to her coming over in that condition, raw and disoriented with the force
of her own feelings. Hyejin was a depository for the emotions she fought most seconds
of most days to keep at bay. It was in this condition that she had made love to Hyejin
against a wall, on a table, in the shower, once right against the door outside Hyejins
apartment where anyone couldve seen them. Relaxation was not something Taeyeon
knew how to come by honestly.
She felt fingers stroking her hair and exhaled again, leaning into Hyejins touch.
Talk to me about it, Hyejin said.
Taeyeon bit back a sharp retort. Although she had been seeing Hyejin regularly for a few
months now, it was true that the other girl did not know her very well. Their relationship
was mostly physical, and Taeyeon did her best to keep it just that. It was for that reason
that she tried to bury her annoyance at being coerced with the phrase she liked least
talk to me about it. Hyejin had no way of knowing how annoyed that sort of prodding
made her feel.
She remained silent, releasing an impatient, long-suffering sigh that she hoped conveyed
that she had no plan on replying. Hyejin continued stroking her hair.
I heard from Soojung that Tiffany is back in Seoul, Hyejin admitted and Taeyeon
glanced at her. A frown set deep into her features.
She paused. Mmm.
Is that why
Soojung has a big mouth, Taeyeon commented lightly.
How are you She seemed to gather from Taeyeons expression that this was a bad
question to ask. I just mean

Shes my best friend. Taeyeon rolled her eyes. So obviously its good to have her
back. Is that what youre asking?
You know thats not what Im asking.
Then I have no idea what youre asking.
Taeyeon.
She put a hand up to her forehead. There was a headache forming there, and behind her
eyes. She brushed Hyejins hands away from her hairfirst, hastily, and then feeling
apologetic, she laced their fingers together.
I dont want to talk about it, she said at last and closed her eyes. She heard Hyejin sigh
and felt her move awayif not physically, then emotionally. That was what Taeyeon
wanted. She liked to picture herself encased in heavy armor. People like Hyejin kept
trying to get in, but they were wrong to do so. The armor was impassable.
I know that youre not my girlfriend, Hyejin said softly. The room was so quiet and still;
her voice was barely a whisper but it practically echoed in the silent room. But I still care
about you.
Taeyeon snorted. She hadnt meant it derisively, really; it was a sweet sentiment. There
was a vibrating sound from the nightstand and she opened her eyes to see Hyejin reach
over and pluck Taeyeons phone from the mess on the surface.
She glanced at it before handing it over. Her tone was strange. Im guessing this is
Tiffany.
The name on the screen was the one she had always programmed her best friend in
as: Yeppeuni Hwang
Taeyeon cleared her throat, embarrassed. From this angle, even things she thought of
as casual jokes between her and her best friend had an almost sinister, embarrassingly
telling slant to them.
Its a nickname, she explained half-heartedly before answering the phone. Hello?
TaeTae~ Tiffanys cheerful voice blared out at a decibel best heard from at least a foot
away, which was how far Taeyeon yanked the phone from her ear at the first sound of it.
Tiffany had somehow never understood that phones had microphones and therefore
there was no reason to yell into them.
Yes? Taeyeon tried for a pleasant tone but wondered, under Hyejins watchful gaze, if it
wasnt too pleasant.

Im hungry, Tiffany called teasingly. Come meet me at that place in Hongdae, okay?
IHongdae? Taeyeon groaned. Getting across the city around dinnertime was going to
be a nightmare. Cant you come to
Im waiting! Tiffany interrupted. See you soon, love you, bye!
Taeyeon exhaled, hanging up the phone. She dared not meet Hyejins eyes.
Leaving? Hyejin said softly, casually.
Mmm. She climbed out of bed, dressing. Im sorry. Ill make it up to you. She leaned
over the bed to kiss her briefly. Hyejin rolled her eyes.
Im not your girlfriend, Hyejin reminded her. You dont need to make it up to me.
Taeyeon knew it was true but somehow she still felt reprimanded.

chapter five
It was easy to get a good table, even at restaurants in Hongdae, when you were
two popular members of the nations most beloved girl group; they usually got the
same table every time they came here. It had been awhile, but the small square
table shoved tightly in the corner still felt warm and familiar to her. It was almost too
hot in the crowded barbecue restaurant, but even that had a pressing and
comfortable familiarity to her. She grilled the chadolbaegi because Tiffany was
terrible at it and Tiffany refilled the soju.
There were times like this, when things were familiar and there was good food and
soju and it was just Kim Taeyeon and her best friend. It wasnt painful, it didnt
make her heart ache. There were times like this when she thought she might never
be truly happy, but that shed probably always have her best friend, in some
fashion. That was a comfort.
Ballad to dance song ratio, Tiffany prompted. They were discussing the new
album.
Ive written a lot of ballads in the last year, Taeyeon said thoughtfully, so Im
thinking of just shoving them all onto this album.
Oh, just unloading them on us, huh.
Yeah, something like that.
Arent those songs for your solo album? Tiffany picked a piece of meat off the grill
and chewed it delicately.
Mmm. Taeyeon shrugged, draining the rest of her soju. She waited for Tiffany to
finish hers before re-filling them both. Like Ill ever finish that.
You seemed so excited about it a few months ago, Tiffany pointed out.
Taeyeon relaxed, shrugging. She leaned back against the wall. Shed always taken
the seat against the wall so she could people-watch or keep an eye out for fans. It
was the familiar gesture of routine. She chewed thoughtfully. Well, Im still excited
about it. I mean, its music, Ill always be excited about music. I justwhen things
dont come together the way you want them to, its frustrating.
Tiffany lifted one shoulder casually. I guess thats true.
Anyway, with nine people working on them, maybe itll work out the way I want it.
Tiffany squinted at her and then raised her shot glass. This is going to sound
cheesy, but
What else is new.
its kind of symbolic of life.

Yeah?
Yeah. I keep thinking that, you know. Whatever it is I want or need, Im sure itll
happen, since its the nine of us.
Taeyeon shook her head, hiding a smile. Cheesy Hwang.
Oh my god, whatever. You totally feel the same.
Yeah, Taeyeon acknowledged, glancing away from her as she downed another
shot. But you wont catch me admitting it.
You dont have to say it to them. Tiffany looked at her softly. But you can always
say it to me. I know all your secrets, Kim Taeyeon.
She caught Tiffanys gaze and held it. It felt warm, just like the restaurant. All of
them, huh.
Yeah.
When drinking with Tiffany, whose liver was made of some indestructible solid
metal, it was easy to go through two bottles of soju. Taeyeon was not quite the
lightweight she had been when she had first started drinking with Tiffany, but after
they opened the third bottle, she was feeling a little light-headed. She knew if she
stood up she would feel as drunk as she was, so she stayed seated, curling her
legs around the table legs, and ordered more meat to help reduce the effect of
drinking.
Thanks for having dinner with me, by the way, Tiffany said.
Like I had any choice in the matter.
Can you believe I havent had a single meal with Jessica since I got back? The
party last night was the only time Ive hung with her, shes with unni
Every second, Taeyeon finished, rolling her eyes. Theyre joined at the hip
these days.
I mean Im happy that theyve gotten so serious, Tiffany admitted. Because
theyve been dating forever but it never seemed serious.
I feel like Jessica always wanted it to seem less serious than it was, Taeyeon said
thoughtfully.
Why? In case it didnt work out? Tiffany asked. Taeyeon pursed her lips. Tiffany
nibbled the end of her chopstick in thought. Did you ever feel like that?
Taeyeon hummed vaguely. No, she lied.
If Tiffany realized she was lying, she didnt let on. She poured them more soju in
silence.

Whats going on with everyone else?

The liquor was making her candid, so she freely gossiped in ways she did not
ordinarilywhich she knew was likely Tiffanys intention in getting her to come to
dinner and get drunk with her. Tiffany liked gossip. She liked knowing every little
thing about the girls, weaving tidbits of information around them like rope so she
could tie them together, draw them near. Taeyeon admired her for it. She knew the
nine of them hadnt stayed together this long through idleness and inaction; she
also knew she, Taeyeon, was not capable of the same earnestness and
determination.
So she talked, because Tiffany was a lifeline, and she would do everything in her
power to keep them together. She talked. She talked about Hyoyeons relationship,
how there had been a brief flare-up when theyd been photographed together, but
that the company had managed to hush it up.
Juhyunnies album did, of course, really well.
Of course, Tiffany murmured, content. I feel bad about missing that.
Taeyeon shrugged. She did great, you know she promoted it like a pro.
Juhyuns solo efforts had pretty much solidified, for her, that she personally was not
ready for a solo effort. Not a serious one. It seemed like it should be simple,
especially when all she cared about, really, was making her own music, putting
some sort of finished product on a shelf, being on stage, but something had held
her back that didnt exist with Juhyun. Juhyun had no unfinished business, she
thought. Juhyuns loyalty to the group had never been called into question. Was
that it? She couldnt quite put it into words yet. She owed the other eight members
a lot, and it wasnt something she could understand, could only feel heavy in her
heart.
She moved on briskly, telling Tiffany about Sooyoungs work on her radio show,
Yoonas recent wrap on production of her film, Sunkyus various MC positions.
She loves it so much more than I ever expected her to, she commented. And
Yuri, too. But she and I write music a lot together and I think thats a thing I think
its a thing she needs to keep doing. I think shes really good.
And you?
Taeyeon frowned. I guess Im good at it, too, I just mostly do it because I need to.
Tiffany smiled, showing those sweet curved eyes. Taeyeon sighed, unconsciously.
I meant. Whats up with you. Since neither of us called while I was gone, like the
jerks we are.
She smiled weakly. Nothing new.
Tiffany bit her lip. Nothing?

Taeyeon shrugged. Really. Nothing has changed with me since you left. Im a little
skinnier.
Yeah, its gross, Tiffany pointed out, heaping more meat on Taeyeons plate and
pushing some of the side dishes on her side of the table closer to Taeyeons side.
But I mean, theres got to be something. Taeyeon shrugged, shaking her head.
She had spent three months feeling empty and needyand guilty for feeling so.
What about Hyejin?
There was a throbbing right behind Taeyeons ear. She sighed. What about her?
Is it serious?
No, Taeyeon said, for what seemed like the thousandth time. Like I said, theres
nothing serious about it.
If theres nothing serious about it, why are you seeing her so often? I mean,
otherwise, you dont tend to sleep with the same girl more than once.
First of all, thats not really true, Taeyeon muttered. It wasnt. It was some sort of
invented misconstruction the girls had developed about her. Just because they
never saw her with the same girl more than once didnt mean it was true.
Okay, but you clearly see her more than anyone else. Why?
Maybe because she doesnt ask me so many annoying questions, like some
people. She tried to keep her expression casual, relaxed, but the tightness of her
tone betrayed her.
Tiffany sighed. They were finishing the third bottle. I just want you to be happy,
baby.
I am happy, she lied, again.
I want you to be happy with someone. They shared a long, agonizingly inscrutable
look. Why cant you just make this a real relationship?
Because I dont do relationships, Taeyeon said bluntly, and with a note of finality.
The liquor was making her blood boil somehow. What about you, she retorted.
Have you seen anyone lately?
Tiffany didnt hesitate. I was seeing someone, in L.A. Taeyeon was taken aback
by her speedy candidness. But it didnt work out. Obviously. But Im open to a
relationship.
Well. Taeyeon drained the last of her shot, feeling like shed been punched in the
stomach. You and I are different. We always have been.
Tiffany looked at her for a long moment. Taeyeon tried to meet her gaze but was
seized with a vague sense of fear that forced her to avert her eyes.
Were not that different, Tiffany said at last.

Im not sure what you mean.

Thats because youre drunk. Her tone was light, flippant, but the way she looked
at Taeyeon was impenetrable.
Im not that drunk. I dont need to be drunk to find you confusing. Youre always
confusing.
Im confusing? Tiffany shot back, eyebrows raised. Taeyeons heart fell a little;
getting Tiffany angry was never a good idea. Her best friend was probably one of
the most genuinely kind and warm-hearted people alive (although, admittedly,
Taeyeon was a bit biased) but her temper was no joke. She was Taeyeons polar
opposite in many ways, and this was probably the most salient; for all the intensity
that Taeyeon bottled her feelings, Tiffany regularly exploded with hers at the exact
same intensity.
Taeyeon studied her plate pensively and then with careful deliberation admitted,
Yeah. You confuse me. Youre confusing.
And youre selfish.
Taeyeons eyes widened. What?
Tiffany shook her head and looked away. There was a loud burst of laughter from
the table closest to them. Taeyeon gripped the table, trying not to get upset.
What do you
You really only think of yourself, dont you. I mean, you dont think about me at all,
do you?
Just the idea of it made Taeyeon laugh bitterly. She had no idea, did she, of how
often Taeyeon thought about her. Youre all I think about, she said tightly; she
wasnt sure if it was the alcohol or her swiftly rising anger that made her tongue
looser than usual, but it was hardly a secret, was it. How can you say that to me,
when you know how I feel? I think about nothing but you.
You think about me, Tiffany argued, but you dont consider me. You dont look at
it from my point-of-view. You dont get it.
You wont let me, Taeyeon snapped and the dishes on the table bumped and
crashed into one another. All you do is confuse me and send me mixed signals
Mixed signals?
She hadnt meant to say that. I just mean
You just mean that its all about you, what you want, your feelings. Right? Have
you ever stopped to think about how I must feel?
Taeyeons head felt unhinged from her neck, like it was going to float away and

take her mixed, spinning thoughts with her. What had she spent three months
waiting for, anyway? For Tiffany to come back and confuse her and ruin her and
make her feel awful? Was it a fair trade-off? There were no faint or vague emotions
when it came to Tiffany, she thought; the euphoria of her presence was just as
powerful as the misery.
I
Look
Taeyeon waved her hand dismissively, pinched the bridge of her nose. She didnt
want to get angry. Excuse me, she said, standing up to go to the bathroom,
leaving Tiffany behind at the table. Her legs were shaky and as soon as she was on
her feet she could feel the world spin and collect itself; she was far drunker, and
angrier, than she had thought she was while sitting down.
Sunbae? Taeyeon sunbaenim?
The one and only, she joked wryly, washing her hands in the sink. Looking up into
the mirror, she met the eyes of the young girl behind her and smiled politely. Im
just kidding.
The girl smiled, tilting her head to the side. Youre kidding? Then youre not
Taeyeon sunbaenim?
She turned, holding eye contact with the girl. She recognized her now; she was a
member of a girl group that had debuted earlier this year. They had only met once,
maybe, when her group had come to Taeyeons radio show and admittedly, she
wasnt following new groups close enough to remember her name.
That depends, do you want me to be? she teased, and then smiled. It had never
failed her. It worked on every person except the person she wanted the most.
This time was no exception. Yes.
Taeyeon looked at her. She was an idol, so she was pretty. The prettier someone
was, the more they could distract her and make her forget.
She cleared her throat. Come on, come have a drink with me.
The girl, whose name Taeyeon found impossible to remember, was very excited to
meet Girls Generations Tiffany, even as Girls Generations Tiffany was not as
keen on meeting her. No one, save for Taeyeon, would ever know that, though, as
no one was better at being polite and sweet than Hwang Miyoung. It just so
happened Taeyeon had known her long enough that it was easy to tell when she
was annoyedand she was very annoyed.
Taeyeon cheerfully asked for another bottle of soju. Youre old enough, right? she
asked lightheartedly, but the girl shook her head.
Im eighteen.

Shes eighteen, Taeyeon, Tiffany said icily.

Ah, Taeyeon smiled. Well. No one needs to know you were drinking.
Shes eighteen, Tiffany repeated, and her eyes were sharp. And a rookie, who
wouldnt be able to survive a scandal this early in her career
Oh please, no one will find out.
Also, again: shes eighteen.
Youve never drank with an eighteen year old? Taeyeon joked, trying to keep the
mood light for their juniors benefit.
No, Ive never drank with someone eight years younger than me, Tiffany said
pointedly. Taeyeon scoffed. The girl looked between them, meekly.
Maybe I should
No, its fine, Taeyeon said dismissively. Youre still a rookie so youll have to get
used to the fact that not every senior you meet is going to be nice to you, she
quipped, nudging her head in Tiffanys direction.
And get used to the fact that some of the seniors you meet will take advantage of
you, despite the fact that theyre much older than you
What do you mean by take advantage, Taeyeon shot back.
I mean exactly what youre trying to do here
What am I trying to do?
Tiffany rolled her eyes. You and I both know exactly what youre trying to do.
Im doing what you want me to do, Taeyeon laughed. She had definitely drank too
much, and the words were leaping onto her tongue too quickly for her to stop them.
Or what you say you want me to do. But maybe you dont really mean that. She
felt something inside of her break and her self-control crack apart. Maybe its
better for your ego if you can keep stringing me along forever.
She regretted saying it the minute she saw Tiffanys face. It wasnt a good
expression. It was an expression that for most Girls Generation members meant
duck and cover; get out now if you want to be spared the wrath of Tiffanys
temper.
What is that supposed to mean.
I just mean that
But Tiffany had grabbed her wrist, yanked her to her feet. We need to talk.
They excused themselves from their junior, who for her part, did her best to look

politely disinterested, as though she witnessed arguments between members of the

most high-profile idol group in the nation often.
What is your deal? Tiffany pushed her into the bathroom, locking the door behind
them. She was angry, but she looked surprised, too. Taeyeon thought she knew
why. They had argued millions of times, but it wasnt in Taeyeons nature to be
aggressive, antagonisticthat was Tiffany, usually, and Taeyeon at her worst was
sullen and quiet. The alcohol had unhinged her, but it had been three lonely months
that had loosened the bolts.
Why would you bring that girl back to the table? Seriously, Taeyeon, use your
brain
Why? Taeyeon frowned. I thought it would make you happy. I mean, thats what
you want, right? For me to get out of your hair, to stop moping after you like some
lovesick jerk, so that you dont have to feel guilty?
Thats not it, at all. Come on.
Oh, but only when it suits you, right? Taeyeon went on. Her throat felt tight and
swollen. I mean, you dont mind giving me false hope every few months just to
keep me devoted to you, like an idiot, because you like the attention, dont you?
Are you kidding me right now?
No, Im not.
Youre drunk.
Im drunk, but Im not stupid. You want me to date someone so badly because you
want me to get over you, right? Because Im a burden, right?
You are not a burden, Tiffany said softly. Her anger had disappeared and that
made Taeyeon feel worse, because she knew what the alternative to anger was.
She would prefer anger.
Admit it.
I want you to be happy.
But not too happy, Taeyeon corrected. Because it must be a real ego boost
knowing you have me wrapped around your finger. It is, isnt it. I bet thats why you
came back.
Tiffany didnt reply. She just looked at her, a long, sad look. A look filled with pity.
The alternative to anger that Taeyeon feared most.
Of course. Everyone pitied her, of course, but Tiffany pitied her most of all.
Her best friend shook her head, slowly, looked at the floor, slowly, and sighed.
Slowly.

Im leaving, she told Taeyeon, and then she didturned on her heel and walked
away. Looked back once with an air of disquiet. Walked out the door. It wasnt very
different from three months ago, when Taeyeons heart had climbed into her throat
and Tiffany had left her standing there, pathetic with emotion, weak with
hopelessness.
She washed her face and left the bathroom, took a young, starstruck girl home with
her and hoped that in the morning she wouldnt remember Tiffanys face, the way
Tiffany had looked at her like she was a heavy weight not worth carrying anymore.

chapter six
(2005)
When theyre sixteen Stephanie has her first boyfriendnot her first first boyfriend,
as shes told Taeyeon that she dated back in L.A., but her first boyfriend in Korea,
her first boyfriend since becoming a trainee, her first boyfriend under Taeyeons
apprehensive, watchful gaze. Hes a year older than them and a student at the
foreign school Stephanie and Jessica attend. Hes tall and good-looking and has
broad shoulders and clean skin.
(When Jessica is pressed for more information, she reveals that no, he has no
criminal record what a stupid question Taeyeon stop interrogating me oh my god.)
Despite herself, Taeyeon is fascinated, but her fascination only knows how to
manifest itself in biting, acidic nagging when Stephanie comes home late on
weekends, cold air and euphoric excitement clinging to her. She scolds her,
because they do have a trainee showcase to prepare for early the next morning,
but mostly because thats what she does and thats what she thinks Stephanie
expects from herTaeyeon, short and occasionally boyish and somehow,
therefore, the completely nonsexual roommate who has somehow managed to
become one of Stephanie Hwangs best friends despite the fact that theyre polar
opposites.
And because its just what Taeyeon does and its what Stephanie expects from her,
she just laughs at her scolding, takes her clothes off in front of their shared closet
and leaves for the bathroom in underwear that doesnt match and is still impossible
not to stare at.
When Taeyeon tries to think about it, it hurts, so she tries not to think about it at all.
She wants to be a singer and so she decides thats all she can do; she cant even
picture herself in a relationship. She cant imagine herself in a romantic situation.
Its not that shes incapable, really, she just cant picture it, so she shoves it out of
the way.
Jessica has said to her, more than once, that she gets it, but Jessicas had three
boyfriends since Taeyeons met her, so Taeyeon thinks shes probably full of it.

She first meets Shin Yoojung after math class one day when she is staring with
despondent indignation at todays returned math exam. Sooyoung laughs so hard
Taeyeon hopes her head will collapse in on itself and then says shell meet her
outside so they can walk to practice together.
She shakes her head, stuffing the test in her pocket, and then there is a girl, with
clean skin, tiny eyes, pretty teeth. She stands expectantly in front of Taeyeons
desk as Taeyeon pulls her backpack on.

How did you do, Taeyeon?

Her voice is soft, lilting. Taeyeon finds it pretty in the way she finds all melodic
things pretty, in the way she hears music in almost everything. She clears her
throat, shrugging. Uh, not as well as I thought, but, and when she shrugs casually,
the girl smiles and its bright, glittering, familiar.
I just saw you looked upset, so if you need help in math, I dont mind helping you.
Ah, Taeyeon replies, and doesnt know what else to say. Truthfully, shes terrible
at math, and its bringing down her average, but she is not the sort of person who
can imagine being tutored, or asking for help, even when its being offered.
Moreover, it only upsets her in a halfhearted way, because she cant think of what
shell need math for. She doesnt know how to look in the future past the stage
lights, because singing is the only thing she knows how to do well.
Or not, the girl says bravely, laughing, and her laugh is even more melodic than
her voice; it makes Taeyeons insides feel like liquid. Maybe we could just hang
out.
It hangs in the air a little and when she smiles, Taeyeon returns it, warmly.
Sorry, she says softly, I guess I dont know your name.
I usually sit in the back, the girl responds by way of explanation, so maybe you
dont notice me. Im Shin Yoojung.
Kim Taeyeon, she returns, but Yoojung giggles.
I know.
They arent quite friends after that, but they do say hello everyday except the day
after Sooyoung jokes hey Taeyeon whos that huh your girlfriend and Taeyeon
feels too embarrassed to say hello next time.

Stephanie and the-guy-whose-name-Taeyeon-refuses-to-remember break up only

six weeks after they start dating. Stephanie texts her about it and when she comes
home, Taeyeon is prepared to comfort her, but Stephanie is completely unfazed.
She smiles brightly, not at all the mess of tears Taeyeon had expected.
It was mutual, she says, and then, matter-of-fact: Im only sixteen, no relationship
at this age should be long-term.
Despite the five months between them and the fact that Taeyeon has always seen
herself as somehow responsible and protective, everything Stephanie says to her is
soaked in wisdom she would never be able to produce. She nods, dazed with
numbness, and joins Stephanie in folding their laundry wordlessly. All the things
she had planned to say as words of comfort melt on her tongue. She wonders if
Stephanie will ever be someone who needs comfort. She wonders if she will, either.

Taeyeon is not someone who feels comfortable being comforted. And for the first
time since meeting her, she realizes that Stephanie isnt either. They have very little
in common, truthfully, but she wonders if thats a significant thing.
He was a good kisser, Stephanie admits and Taeyeon rolls her eyes. Partly,
again, because its what she thinks Stephanie expects of her, and mostly, really,
because its the last thing she really wants to hear.
Then she asks, TaeTae, of the boys youve kissed, who was the best kisser? and
Taeyeon wrinkles the t-shirt shes folding, self-conscious.
She pretends to think. Um.
I know you hate talking about stuff like that, but its me, you know?
Right, Taeyeon agrees. She folds the t-shirt into a tiny little square and then
attempts to fold it some more. Well
Have you ever kissed anyone? Stephanie narrows her eyes at her. Taeyeon feels
her ears become hot.
Of course, she says defensively. Im sixteen, of course
I mean, like, a real kiss, not the kind of kiss youd give to your mother.
Oh.
Oh my god! Stephanie squeals and hits her shoulder. Her teeth are pearly white
and her eyes disappear into those perfect stupidly charming crescents that
Taeyeon is starting to hate looking at. Taeyeon, you havent?
Taeyeon tries, desperately, to think of something cool to say, but can only mumble,
Dont make fun of me, which she thinks, really, only makes it worse. She picks up
another shirt to fold.
Oh my god, Stephanie keeps saying. Taeyeon imagines inventive ways to murder
her. Strangulation by sweatpants. Suffocation by old t-shirt.
Its not that big of a deal, she says finally, mostly in an effort to get Stephanie to
stop oh-my-god-ing at her. Ive never had a real boyfriend, and I dont really have
time, and truthfully, I dont really know how to.
Yeah, but Taeyeon
No, really. She puts down her laundry. Its embarrassing, leave me alone.
She stalks into the kitchen to make dinner. A childish part of herthe part who has
never been kissed, she supposesimagines that Stephanie will follow her to
apologize, but of course, she doesnt. Realistically, Taeyeon knows theres
nothing wrong with never having kissed someone, but realistically, she also knows
that shes behaving as immaturely as she feels. Really, why should it be

embarrassing, she wonders.

Because, she thinks to herself, you know why you havent.
Deep down, I think you know.
She makes kimchi fried rice, which is the only thing she knows how to make. She
thinks of calling her mother. She thinks of crying, but she hasnt cried in months,
and it would be impossibly juvenile at this point. She thinks of leaving, because its
just her and Stephanie in the dorm and even rooms away, the awkwardness is
choking her.
She turns the heat off on the pan and when she turns, Stephanie is at the entrance
of the kitchen, looking something approaching apologetic and smiling that stupidly
pretty smile.
TaeTae, she says, a request buried in her tone.
Yes.
Stephanie drifts closer. Guess what.
She sighs. What.
The world doesnt right itself quick enough; suddenly Stephanie is pressed against
her. That stupid smile. Taeyeon sucks in a quick, shallow breath.
Im going to teach you how to kiss.
But she doesnt teach, really. Theres no instructions, no lecture, no diagrams. She
leans in and her lips are warm and wet against Taeyeons. The napkin in Taeyeons
hands falls to the floor. She feels Stephanie grip her wrist, press her thumb into her
forearm; lips move, and open, and then her tongue is there, pressing against
Taeyeons lips and Taeyeon tenses, her fingers flex uselessly at her sides.
Stephanie pulls away a fraction of a centimeter. Her eyes are closed. In the restless
breath between them, she murmurs, Open your mouth for me, and then does it
again, her lips too warm, sealed tight against Taeyeons and then her tongue pries
open her lips and hesitantly, Taeyeon lets her in and she is kissing Stephanie
Hwang and her stomach feels like it could explode.
In a good way. In a good, filled with heat and fluttering confusion sort of way. Her
tongue tries to meet Stephanies but shes too disoriented, its too slippery, and
Stephanie is too experienced, her tongue knows exactly where to go, and then she
makes a noise, a quiet noise, a satisfied hm in the back of her throat and draws
Taeyeons lower lip between her own and then shes pulling away and Taeyeon
tries to suck in more air, but cant.
And and and and and, Taeyeon thinks, dazed.
Stephanies eyes flutter open and she smiles teasingly.

There you go, she says. Now youve kissed someone.

She finds out later that Stephanie had her first kiss with a girl, too, years ago, and
that Stephanie thinks thats perfectly normal, really, for girls to practice on each
other; the revelation makes her wonder if she should ask, then, if it felt like this
afterwards, but theres no way of putting into words what this isand if she could,
shes sure she would scare Stephanie away.
Because this is a fiery, consuming and obsessive and near 24/7 mental
reenactment of the kiss. Its lying awake at night, her heart beating fast and her
breathing shallow, as she imagines how it could have been different, if she had
suddenly transformed into the worlds best kisser and kissed Stephanie back so
exceptionally that Stephanie would say she had never had better, if they had never
stopped kissing, if they were still kissing, if she was free to kiss Stephanie
whenever she wanted to.
This was thinking, urgently, that she would never be able to kiss anyone else ever
again, and now not because of inexperience, but because she was sure she only
wanted her lips to remember Stephanies lips. She wanted Stephanies mouth to be
the last mouth that touched hers, forever. She only wanted Stephanies warm, taut,
trembling body pressed against her, and Stephanies clean white teeth knocking
against her own, and Stephanies lips and Stephanie, Stephanie, Stephanie.
It does not come gradually after weeks of analysis and self-inquisition. It comes
almost immediately, and it makes her feel like crying. She tries to put a name on it
that isnt love; she experiments with calling it infatuation as though a technicality
could make it less painful, less jarring.
As quickly as it comes, the denial comes even quicker. It comes constantly.
Attempts to convince herself there is no way she knows what love is, and sure, this
is the strongest shes ever felt about anyone, but there is a difference between love
and an admittedly obsessive fixation and you are bound to feel this way, Kim
Taeyeon, that was your first kiss. She smells nice and shes pretty and her smile
makes your heart feel as though it could fall out, but that isnt love.
She feels awful, and homesick, and very afraid.

She promises to walk Yoojung home, since its on her way to SM and its nice,
ambling down side streets while the sun slips past the horizon line. Their fingers
brush as they walk side-by-side and after the fifth or sixth time Taeyeon starts to
consider that Yoojung is doing it intentionally. Their eyes meet and experimentally,
Taeyeon holds the gaze for longer than traditional and Yoojung holds it, too. Their
eyes only avert when they reach the curb and have to watch for traffic; as a bus
passes swiftly, right by their toes, Yoojung takes her hand and Taeyeon feels
something in her heart clench and then release. She feels better, for the first time in
weeks.

Yoojung kisses her at the door, in the shadows sliding across the abandoned
street, and her lips are nothing like Stephanies. Theyre shy, hesitant, and clumsy;
they make Taeyeon feel experienced and her eyes are screwed shut tight as she
leans in, sighs into Yoojungs mouth, holding on for dear life and hoping she can fall
in love with someone who can love her back.
She waits seven days before asking Yoojung to be her girlfriendin the least
romantic way, stupidly, in text message form with a sloppy heart tacked onto the
end of itbecause she needs seven days to decide its okay. She spends seven
days watching Stephaniein practice, at lunch, in their dorm, while sleepingand
seven days pretending she doesnt love her. There are seven days, days where
she holds Stephanies hand on the subway and days where they press against
each other at dance practicedays where she feels terrible about herself, worries
that something is wrong with her. Shes sick, she thinks. This isnt love, it cant be
love, because youre just being sick, weird.
Yoojung replies within seven seconds and of course she says yes, and for seven
more days Taeyeon keeps it as a secret in her heart. She doesnt need to say it,
she doesnt need to admit it to herself, but she thinks shes taken a step to being
okay with it. She is a girl who happens to like other girls and she is not a girl in love
with her best friend.
She thinks if she learns to be okay with the first part, she can convince herself of
the second part.

present
(2015)
She and Yuri had once got drunk together in this very recording studio, the first
time theyd tried writing songs together. Taeyeon remembered it well. They had
paid for studio time themselves; the label would evaluate the finished products. It
was just the two of them alone in the recording booth, messing around with the
soundboard and drinking soju. Three junk demos and one good demo had come
out of the whole day, one song that they lovingly crafted until it was good enough
for an album. Taeyeon looked back on it, really, as one of their worst songs but
whenever she listened to it, her heart swelled because of how close she and Yuri
were that day.
It was like this every time she saw Yuri. Today they drank water and messed
around with with the soundboard to produce significantly superior, she hoped,
music, but she still felt the same.
When Girls Generation had first moved in together, right before their debut,
Taeyeon had developed a brief, two-week long crush on Yuri. It was that brief. It
was that moment of living in close quarters with someone pretty and hoping that
feelings could be transferred from person to person, like admitting an attraction to
another band member would somehow reduce the intensity of her feelings for

Tiffany. That day, years ago, when theyd drank soju in this very room, shed told
Yuri that, about the briefness of her crush, and Yuri had laughed that great way she
laughed, rubbed the back of Taeyeons head and said, Im honored, and Youre
the cutest, Taengoo.
Like all of them, Yuri looked at her with pity most of the time, but it was a little more
bearable from Yuri, who she supposed faked it better than the rest.
Hows work? she asked when they broke for lunch.
Yuri sighed. Becoming more and more like work everyday. I dont know what to do
with myself.
No one does. Taeyeon shrugged. But youll do okay.
Yuri asked, How are you? in that heavy way they tended to ask how are you when
they were worried about Taeyeon. No one else got how are you with the same
weight Taeyeon got how are you. They asked it like they expected her to fall to
pieces if they didnt.
Good, Taeyeon replied. She thought that if she ever answered them honestly,
they wouldnt know what to do with it. They asked her because they felt they had to,
because they loved her and they wanted her to know they loved her. That didnt
mean they would know what to do with a real answer, Taeyeon thought.
She had promised herself long ago to never burden anyone with the chaos of
human emotion.
How are you really, though, Yuri pressed.
Really good, Taeyeon shot back, grinning slightly.
Are you and Fany fighting?
No, I she began hotly and then broke off, breathing in through her nose and
then exhaling. How did you know?
Yuri laughed. It doesnt take a genius to figure out when you two are fighting.
Which is good, since youre not a genius.
First: you guys are always fighting, so its a good bet. Second: you revert to this
like, wounded puppy dog look whenever you two are fighting. And third
Wounded puppy dog? Taeyeon repeated, incredulous. Slightly offended. (Slightly
intrigued; puppies were cute, right?)
And third: Tiffany called you a self-obsessed jerk in group chat the other day,
which you would know if you ever checked into group chat
Really, Taeyeon said wryly, scratching her temple. Thats not really incentive.

So?
A shrug. She fiddled with the headphones in her lap. We fought. Its no big deal.
Itll blow over in a few days; it always does.
It was true. She had known Tiffany for about ten years of her life and reasoned they
had probably spent a good 50% of those ten years in a stupid argument of some
sort. It was the way they communicated, somehow. It had always been like that.
Im not going to beat around the bush, Yuri said. She leaned back in her chair and
pulled her headphones off.
Why not, that sounds fun.
I want to know, really, how are you doing with Tiffany being back.
They didnt usually say it outright. They usually stepped across the words, refusing
to say what, and Yuris candidness surprised Taeyeon into her own.
I feel terrible, she admitted. Yuri didnt blink, just met her eyes honestly. Terrible,
but a good kind of terrible.
What do you mean?
I mean, its hard to be around her. Taeyeons voice was soft. Recording booths
were sound-proof and she heard her words sink solidly into the walls around them.
Its always been hard. It never gets easier. Thats how I know its love, because it
refuses to go away.
She had never been this honest. She had never pieced it together aloud. Yuris
slight eyebrow raise was the only indication that she was surprised with Taeyeons
bluntness.
Then how is it good? she asked. Gently.
Its goodbecause because its Miyoung. Shes my best friend. I need her. Its
bad because Im in love with her and Ive always been in love with her, but its good
because I love her, shes my best friend. Its painful to have her around, but its
even more painful to be away from her. Does that make sense?
It makes sense.
Id be flat-out lying if I said her presence doesnt affect me. She wet her lips. It
throbbed in her throat and then in her head. Its driving me crazy. It makes me
want to run away. But
She broke off. She had no idea how to say this.
I dont know how to tell you how awful these past three months were for me. I dont
even want to remember them anymore. Its like my mind is trying to cross it out, blot
it from existence, because it was too painful. Its the longest Ive ever been away
from her since I was fifteen years old. Now I know.

Yuris expression had become so impossibly soft that Taeyeon hated to look at her.
It was beyond pity now.
Know what? she asked.
Taeyeon closed her eyes. That I cant be away from her. I know. Its not even
about my feelings. Its because shes my best friend, and shes more than that. Id
die without her. Really. I would.
Admitting it was like expelling ten years of held breath from her lungs. She felt
winded. She thought for a moment that she might cry. Yuri looked at her carefully,
and then smiled. She reached out and rubbed the back of Taeyeons head.
So, she said gently. Always gently. Now you know.

chapter seven
Stretched out, gleaming in the mid-day sun, her eyes swallowed the sight whole.
Her lips trailed from shoulder to collarbone to throat to jaw. Beneath her, the
sunlight came undone. Fingers clasped and she pressed two complaisant hands to
the mattress, pressed the sunlight beneath her and quaked like a leaf.
Taeyeon sighed and swallowed Hyejins breath, the gasp of her name. Her nose
nudged lips and her lips tasted the soft, salty skin of Hyejins jawbone and it was
two hours before she came up for air, watched the sunlight escape, skittering over
the edge of the bed and disappearing.
Hyejin gripped her shoulder with one hand, slid down her upper arm and slipped
downward, nails scratching inside her forearm. Taeyeon shuddered. She had done
nothing but shudder since she had left the recording studio, took her car across the
city, and stalked up four flights of stairs to Hyejins apartment. Shuddered, when
she pressed Hyejin against the wall, shuddered when she led them inside,
shuddered when they hit the bed, and shuddered now in her arms, shuddered so
violently that Hyejin held her tight and said whats wrong and wrapped the blanket
around them both and where there had been sunlight, minutes and hours ago,
there was Seoul in winter, banging at the window and wanting in.
She kissed Hyejins forehead and kissed Hyejins mouth, ignoring her questions
because whats wrong was not something she could truthfully answer, even if she
had wanted to; all she knew was that she needed to not think and in Hyejins arms,
pressed against Hyejins skin, was where she could do that.
Beneath her, there was a hoarse laugh and a murmur of approval. Hyejin touched
her hair. Well, hello, she said softly, and they both laughed because they were the
first words either of them had spoken since Taeyeon had come in two hours ago.
Hello, she returned.
Surprise visit?
Yeah. Her legs tangled with the legs beneath her. She dropped her head,
exhausted, her forehead against Hyejins shoulder warm, laden with sweat.
Youre lucky I happened to be home, Hyejin commented. There was a schedule
in Busan for today that was cancelled.
Taeyeon held her tongue. If it hadnt been Hyejin it wouldve been someone else.
Maybe. Or maybe not. Tiffany was right, she thought, there was something different
here if Taeyeon kept coming back to it.
Tiffany. She sighed.
I just wanted to see you, she admitted softly. I said Id make it up to you, didnt I?
And I said you didnt have to, didnt I? Hyejin laughed. Im not your girlfriend.

Taeyeon lifted her head and searched her eyes. Do you want to be?
Hyejin looked taken aback. She reached up, lifted Taeyeons overgrown bangs off
her forehead. The action made her ache. Are you asking me to be?
I dont know, Taeyeon said honestly. She gazed into Hyejins eyes, hoping for an
answer. She didnt know what to think anymore.
Hyejin looked at her gently. At a certain angle you could even call it pity. Taeyeon
shuddered. She was becoming obsessed with seeking it out, identifying it, but she
couldnt get rid of it, so what was the point?
You dont want a girlfriend, Hyejin told her plainly. She smiled. You dont want a
relationship.
Right. Her throat felt tight. I dont.
The sun had gone down and the room had become shadows. They felt like
spectators. Yet, Taeyeon somehow felt more alone that she had.
Wordlessly, she climbed from the bed and dressed. Hyejin rolled on her side and
watched her, propping her head up on the palm of her hand.
Are you leaving? she asked. It wouldnt be out of the ordinary.
No. Taeyeon sat down on the edge of the bed and reached down to feel around
for the rest of her clothes. Im making you dinner.

I told you my refrigerator was empty. Hyejin sat on the edge of the counter and
crossed her legs. Taeyeon could feel her eyes following her as she moved around
the kitchen.
It just so happens kimchi fried rice is the only thing Im good at, Taeyeon
commented, lighting the burner. So you had all I need. She kissed her.
Do you cook for all the girls you sleep with? Hyejin asked, lightly, joking. She
leaned in for another kiss.
Taeyeon rolled her eyes. Just the really pretty ones. She added oil to the pan and
felt Hyejin stroking her ear, running her thumb underneath it, trailing her fingers
down the nape of her neck.
As she made the rice she wondered why she could not fall in love with someone
who could love her back, and she also wondered if she could be loved back. She
wondered about domesticity. She wondered about being a high-profile idol and
being in love and wondered why kimchi fried rice was the only recipe she had been
able to pick up from her mother.

She wondered about Tiffany, about what Tiffany was doing right now, she
wondered about Tiffany.
Can I ask you a question? Hyejin touched her elbow.
You can ask.
Hyejin laughed, a little. If you hadnt become an idol, what do you think youd be
doing right now?
Taeyeon frowned, stirring.
I like a lot of kimchi so Im going to use the rest of the jar, okay?
Thats fine, Hyejin replied, but are you going to answer the question?
All I said was that you could ask. Taeyeon reached past Hyejin for the jar of
kimchi shed put aside but was surprised when Hyejin grabbed her hand, pulled it
into her lap. She looked at her, briefly. It was not often that she looked into Hyejins
eyes; it wasnt often that Taeyeon looked into peoples eyes, period. Yet she had
found herself searching Hyejins eyes several times this evening.
So youre not going to answer? Hyejin asked.
Its a hypothetical question, so any answer would be hypothetical, Taeyeon
pointed out. She wanted Hyejin to free her hand but it would be rude to pull away.
So?
So, its dumb to answer. No offense.
You cant just speculate? Youre supposed to be a creative person.
Taeyeon chuckled. No, Im not. Im an idol. That means Im supposed to be
obedient and polite.
Then why dont you obediently and politely answer my question.
Another headache. Its dinner time, Taeyeon replied, glancing at the clock on the
microwave. So I guess Id be making dinner. Maybe for someone a little less
annoying.
She said the last part with a tight smile. She didnt want to hurt Hyejin. She didnt
want to hurt anybody. She worried sometimes that she was a loose cannon and all
it did was make her want to protect everyone around her.
She pulled her hand away and finished cooking.
Do you know I didnt go to college? Hyejin asked after a long and uncomfortable
stretch of silence.
Taeyeon glanced at her.

I started doing this, hair and make-up and stuff, to pay my bills. Once I made
enough, I was going to go to school. But I realized working for idols made me
enough money to live on, and I liked it, so I never went.
Hyejin was looking at her, openly. Taeyeon turned the heat off on the stove. She
wasnt sure what she was supposed to say. Hyejin rarely talked about herself.
Taeyeon wondered, now, if that was because she didnt want to or because she
thought Taeyeon didnt want to know.
Taeyeon scratched her neck. What did you want to study, if you went?
Business, maybe. She hopped off the counter. She reached up to get bowls from
the top cabinet. Taeyeon watched her.
Cant picture it.
Me, neither. Hyejin smiled at her. She was very pretty, Taeyeon thought. It was a
dumb, simplistic thought, but it came to her suddenly.
I didnt want to work for idols at first, Hyejin went on. I really hated idols, did you
know that? I thought they were all fake.
Taeyeon snorted. Dont worry, we are.
Youre not.
Taeyeon neglected to reply. She sat down to eat. Hyejin joined her.
My favorite color is red, Hyejin stated. Taeyeon blinked at her. And I have two
younger sisters.
Taeyeon held her breath. Where was this going?
Hyejin counted on her fingers before picking up her spoon to eat. Thats four things
about me. You go.
I
She played with her spoon.
My favorite color is
Taeyeon. I can type your name into any search engine and find that out.
Then I dont know what to tell you, Taeyeon said softly. Theres not that much to
learn. I have an older brother and a younger sisteryou can find that online, too. I
love my parents very muchyou cant find that, but you could probably figure it out.
There were a lot of things I thought about being when I was a kid, but when I
discovered music I knew Id be unhappy if I did anything else. Is that what you
want?

Does that mean youre happy, Hyejin asked, just as soft, doing what youre doing
now?
Taeyeon tensed. Everyone was so concerned about whether or not she was happy,
like the contentiousness of her own personal happiness was keeping them up at
night. She thought, maybe, the other members loved her, so that was why. They
wanted her to be happy. For Tiffany, Taeyeon thought, her unhappiness was a
source of guilt. If Taeyeon was unhappy, then certainly Tiffany would blame herself.
Her guilt made Taeyeon feel guilty. It was a constant, unremitting obligationstay
happy, or at least learn to fake it, or everyone will be upset. An ugly cycle of guilt.
I dont
Look, Hyejin said. If I had gone to school for business, theres no way of knowing
who I would have met or what I would have done. For all I know, I couldve been
happier. I mean, theres no way of knowing, right?
Taeyeons mouth felt dry. Right.
But I cant help but feel that I did the right thing. Because Ive met a lot of great
people and Ive done a lot of great things, and maybe it couldve been better, but
regretting my decision would be like saying Im dissatisfied with what I have now.
My friends, this apartment, my work. Even you. But Im not dissatisfied. Get it?
Yeah.
They ate.
The sun had sunk completely so Hyejin got up to turn on a light. It made the room
yellow, sick-looking. The kimchi fried rice was a little bland.
Taeyeon said, I think if I hadnt been pulled into Seoul, I would have stayed back in
Jeonju forever. Hyejin looked at her. She looked prettier standing near the window,
near the moonlight, than near the lamp. Taeyeon tried to think of a good way to say
what she wanted.
AndI mean, Im not the sort of person who can go out of my way to meet people.
I mean, I prefer to be alone, she explained. So the fact that they shoved me into
this oversized group was kind of a blessing, because I have eight people who are
so important to me, that I
She shook her head. Tried again. Every time I try to imagine my life going a
different way, I picture myself alone. I like being alone, so it isnt a bad thing. I
meanI dont know what the difference between happy and unhappy is, really, and
I dont want to spend a lot of time thinking about it. But when I think about how my
life couldve taken a million different paths, the other paths end with me alone, and
this path ends with them. That makes me think it must be the right path.
Hyejin was smiling at her, so she thought maybe shed said the right thing. She
scratched the back of her head.
So yeah. Thats a thing about me, she said awkwardly, clearing her throat.

How many more do I have to tell you?

Hyejin stood over her and smiled, touched her hair. She had crossed the room in
two steps and Taeyeon was grateful because she suddenly felt like she needed to
be close to someone.
Its okay, Hyejin said gently. Thats enough for now.
She leaned down and kissed her. Taeyeon reached out, grasped blindly, but there
was only the table to hold onto.
I like you, Kim Taeyeon, Hyejin said, quiet. She cupped Taeyeons face. A lot. I
wont be your girlfriend, but Ill be your friend. Okay?
Her heart felt a little lighter.
Okay.

She slept in the next day and cancelled her morning schedules, much to her
managers exasperation. She felt drained, somehow, and wouldve cancelled lunch
with Sunkyu if she hadnt thought that Sunkyu would track her down and drag her
by the ear if she had. She wondered, disgruntled, not for the first time, if the
entertainment company couldnt have saddled her with a bunch of girls a little less
overbearing and intrusive, but she loved them nonetheless.
On the way to meet Sunkyu she texted Tiffany for the first time in days. She had
thought about it for awhile and had settled on the numbingly asinine, Sorry about
the other day.
By the time Sunkyu arrived at the cafe, Tiffany had sent back a reply.
Its okay. I miss you!
It was always okay and she always missed her. Somehow, despite not deserving it,
thats what it was.
Hey, Taeyeon greeted, putting her phone in her pocket. Sunkyu sat down with a
tired expression. How did the meeting with your uncle go?
Sunkyu was the sort of person who knew how disarmingly alluring her smile was
and rarely hesitated to use it when she needed it. Taeyeon had known her long
enough to know that the appearance of it so suddenly was not necessarily a
favorable portent.
Do you want to hear the good news first, Sunkyu asked smoothly, glancing down
at her menu, or the bad news?
Rarely did Taeyeon ever want to hear bad news, whether it was first, second, or
third. Good news, I guess.

He says hes excited for the album, excited to produce it, excited to give us the
opportunity to co-produce itpretty much excited all around.
That sounds like sunsaengnim, Taeyeon said wryly, biting her lip. Whats the bad
news?
Sunkyu kept her eyes on the menu. She sighed a little.
He said it would be a good idea to treat this as our final album together. A farewell
album.
Taeyeon felt something inside her come a little unhinged. She dragged her index
finger down the outside of her water glass, gathering up the condensation and then
rubbing it against her thumb. Last albumtogether, she repeated, mechanically.
They want to dissolve the group?
Not officially. Sunkyu shrugged a little and set her menu down. But yes. Sort of.
He says hes not sure what they really want, but that theyre probably going to offer
all nine of us nine different contracts, if you know what I mean.
Taeyeon set her jaw so hard she felt it pop just slightly out of place. Bad habit. She
grit her teeth. Why?
Well, the sales of the fifth album were lower than sales of the fourth, so
They were slightly lower, Taeyeon shot back, feeling her anger rise. Barely two
hundred copies lower and it was still the best-selling album of the year, how d
I know, Taeyeon. Sunkyus voice was calm. I know.
Taeyeon tried to relax. She was getting angry with the messenger. Sorry, I
I know.
But still, I mean. If we can sell more than any other idol group, still, what would be
the pointour popularity isnt declining, at worst its on a plateau and thats
a good thing, considering how old we are for idols She was rambling, she knew,
but this was one of the few things that she had ever been opinionated,
communicative about.
Sunkyu poked her tongue into her cheek and played with her hands restlessly.
Well, Juhyuns album sold about the same as our last group album did.
So? It sold that much because shes a member of the group. Anyone can see
that.
But look at it from the companys standpoint, Taeyeon. If Juhyun can sell that
much, then surely Jessicas solo album could sell just as much, if not more. Or
Tiffanys solo album. And yoursthey know yours can sell even more. Why would
they waste money producing one group album if they can make, say, five times that
amount producing five solo albums?

She knew that Sunkyu was just trying to be logical but Taeyeon was too upset to
think of it that way. She sounded like a traitor. She breathed evenly.
Thats maybe true, she said, but. Why dissolve the group? Why cant we do
both?
Sunkyu shrugged. Thats why they probably wont break the group up officially, but
there likely wont be any time to produce another one once they start focusing on
pushing us as soloists. Plus She broke off and hesitated. The waitress came
and went and they sat silently, suddenly realizing the severity of the conversation
they were having in a very publicalbeit fairly emptyplace.
Plus what, Taeyeon prompted quietly, once they were alone again. Her voice had
become sullen and she could hear it, hear it behind the pounding of her skull.
Plus, they fully expect that when they offer us all different contracts, some of us
wont sign.
Taeyeons eyes narrowed. Is that right.
Thats what he said they probably think. He really wasnt supposed to tell me any
of this, Taeyeon, but he did because, you know. Hes my uncle. And he thinks that
if we have time to think about it, we can come up with a solution that will make us
happy.
There was a rhythmic, irksome tapping coming from somewhere and when
Taeyeon looked down she realized it was her own fingers drumming anxiously on
the table. She wanted suddenly to be back in Hyejins apartment, her face buried in
Hyejins hair, or to be anywhere at all where it was dark and quiet and she didnt
feel like things were falling apart.
So, Sunkyu said simply, lets focus on making this album, and we can figure it out
in between.
Yeah.
I told you, Taengoo, because youre our leader andI mean its your decision if
we should tell everyone else.
Her body suddenly felt so weak. Youre our leader. She swallowed. I mean, we
should, she said softly, and her voice broke a little, but how.
Sunkyu didnt have an answer for that. They ate their food silently. A little boy,
maybe about ten or eleven, had approached the table and asked them for
autographs. Taeyeon watched Sunkyu talk to him, her eyes stinging. Sunkyu was
always good with the younger fans. Sunkyu was good with everything, with
everyone; she was charming in ways that translated to any and all age
groups. Which noona do you like best she would tease or can you sing your
favorite song for noona in places where Taeyeon would just put silence instead.
Ive liked noonas for a long time, he said, clutching both autographs to his chest.

Ill always wait.

Taeyeon looked at her hands. Where did they find their faith, their trust. Where
would she find hers.
Outside, winter pulled at her scarf and coat and tried to swallow her whole. The
girls who followed her everywhere sensed her mood and didnt try to talk to her
today; they stood at a distance as she got into her car and closed the door, put her
forehead against the steering wheel and cried for the first time in three months.

chapter eight
(2006)
Stephanie gives her exactly seven days before changing her life; in retrospect,
Taeyeon thinks its nice, since shes already changed her life a million and one
times over the past two years.
Taeyeon isnt sure how she figured it out; she and Yoojung had been sitting on her
bed, a foot and a halfat leastbetween them, doing their math homework and
Stephanie had really only walked in and saw them for all of five seconds. But well,
maybe thats a thing about Stephanie, because as much as she and Sooyoung like
to make fun of her awful Korean and call her dumb, the thing is, the thing about
Stephanie isStephanies smart. Shes really smart.
Because somehow she figures it out, and she waits seven whole minutes after
Yoojung leaves, after Taeyeon has walked her to the door and kept her hands deep
in her pockets and nowhere else, when Stephanie asks, How long have you two
been dating?
The question is so unexpected that Taeyeon answers it immediately: Only a
week. And then: What? Dating? No
Stephanie laughs. Theyre going to order jajangmyeon and are turning the messy
dorm upside down looking for the menu. Taeyeon pauses, one hand deep in the
couch cushions, and faces Stephanie. Stephanie with her white teeth and crescentshaped eyes and her long eyelashes and her pretty lips and the totally nonjudgmental look on her face.
Its okay, she says with a smile. You can tell me. Why didnt you tell me, jerk,
were supposed to be best friends
Ibuthow did you know we were
Oh. Stephanie waves a hand dismissively and then attempts an explanation that
she apparently doesnt know enough Korean for. It doesnt matter, I can just tell.
It doesnt bother you? She finds the menu underneath the throw rug in front of the
couch.
Why would it bother me? Shes pretty enough for you, I guess.
I mean that were both She breaks off. Its one thing to say it to herself, in the
quiet space of her head, but another thing entirely to say it out loud.
Girls? Stephanie supplies. Oh, come on. I knew you liked girls.
Taeyeon can only sputter in response, her eyes and mouth both open as wide as
they can be, because how in the world could Stephanie have known
when she hadnt even known, not really, and did this mean that other people knew

and did it mean that Stephanie

Dont worry, its not obvious, TaeTae. Stephanies voice was gentle. A lot of my
friends back in L.A. were, so I guess Im just good at being able to tell? I wish youd
trusted me enough to tell me.
Taeyeon twists her fingers together anxiously. I didnt know how youd react.
Well. Stephanie shrugs. Im happy for you.
Its a little thing, objectively, but it feels like an enormous weight no longer pressing
against her heart, and Taeyeon forgets, a little bit at least, how she feels about
Stephanie because she really does like Yoojung a lotshes pretty and has a cute
smile and likes Taeyeon back and Stephanie approves of her which is good
becauseits true, she and Stephanie are best friends. Whatever else it is she
feels for Stephanie, and she really doesnt want to think about it, but whatever else
it is, theyre still best friends. Stephanie looks out for her, covers up for her, and
when Taeyeon asks haltingly for privacy one night, Stephanie is willingtoo willing,
reallyto find somewhere else to sleep the entire night while Taeyeon is clumsy
and stupid before getting it right, just near the end.
She even asks about it, later, like a best friend should. How was it? she wants to
know.
Good, Taeyeon says. They lie on her bed, staring at the ceiling. Neither of them
have made it to the shower after practice, the exhaustion too fastened to their
insides.
Just good? Stephanie snorts.
Well, at first it was awkward, Taeyeon admits. But then it was good.
Is it different than with a guy?
Taeyeon turns her head to give her a look. How would I know, Ive never slept with
a guy.
Oh, right. They lie in silence. Taeyeon feels like her words are hanging in the air
and for the first time in weeks she remembers how much she likes Stephanie and
suddenly the idea of talking about it with her is mortifying. And on the other hand, it
isnt. Because Stephanies her best friend, her world, her stupid wife, her other half
and thats all a lot heavier than feeling attracted to her, or infatuated with her, or
liking the way she looks when she smiles.
Maybe. Maybe, Taeyeon thinks, a stupid, helpless, schoolgirl infatuation is nothing
in comparison to finding the best friend youll ever have.
Stephanie sighs, content. The moment stretches.
Are you going to do it again? she asks.
Taeyeon laughs. Yeah, definitely.

You know, Stephanie says, conversational, but with an edge that makes
Taeyeons shoulders hunch up near her ears. Shes cute. Yoojung.
She is, Taeyeon agrees, feeling like theres more.
But
But what?
I mean, were going to debut in a few months.
Uh, hopefully, Taeyeon corrects.
Hopefully. I mean, do you think it would be okay to date someone like that once
you debut? I mean, youre an idol. Youll be an idol.
Taeyeon frowns. She hasnt thought that far. What do you mean?
I mean, its dangerous, isnt it? Even if it was a guy it would be dangerous just to
date anyone. What if they say something? You have to date another idol, at least,
because theyll want to keep it secret too.
Shes so pragmatic about it, Taeyeon thinks. Its human emotion, and yet she
thinks about it so maturely.
She forces herself to laugh a little. What other idol am I going to date? I mean,
really
Jessica? I mean, shes really pretty
Taeyeon sits up, twisting around in surprise to look down at Stephanie. Jessica?
Too? She
Well, she hasnt said anything to me about it but she obviously is, I mean, come
on She rolls her eyes and Taeyeon wonders, first blithely, and then with growing
desperation, how Stephanie manages to see things like that when she has no idea.
Jessica would be good, Stephanie says casually, putting her arms underneath her
head and looking up at the ceiling. Since well all be in the same group.
Uh, I dont think Jessica would date me, Taeyeon says, holding back a laugh. She
lies back down. I dont think Id date her either.
Well, someone else, then, theres tons of idols who are
How do you know.
I just know, its obvious, okay.
They spend the next hour talking about which idols are and arent and which
trainees are and arent and who is but doesnt realize it yet and the hour hand

creeps toward midnight as their words become slower, more slurred, until they drift
off to sleep side by side, practice clothes still on, sweat drying and sticking to their
skin, and the weightlessness of their friendship settling between them.

Somehow, though, even though she really hadnt even considered listening to
Stephanies words, by the time they receive word theyll debutafter a million false
starts much closer to a year later, rather than the months they had hoped forshe
feels like the thing with Yoojung has run its course anyway. She tries, more than
once, to make it work, because shes dated Yoojung for more than a year now and
she thinks, maybe, pragmatically, she probably loves her, or loves being with her.
And it isnt the idol thing, she thinks, or at least she tells herself that, and it isnt the
Stephanie thing either because she tells herself that every single day.
Its just time, she tells Yoojung, who is crying. She touches her shoulder and pulls
away. They made her leader. There is so much to do, so much choreography to
memorize, so many songs left to record, so much weight to lose, so many teeth to
get fixed, so much to refine a normal, confused, maybe-in-love eighteen year old
kid into a polished idol. She feels like the weight of it all is crushing her.
I really care about you, she says, and I always will, but I dont think I can
And maybe the worst part of it is that Yoojung seems to understand entirely,
understand too well; she cries but she takes it okay, says she understands, and
when she says she understands, Taeyeon wonders how much shes understood
over the past year and changedid she understand, because she had looked like
she understood, one time, one time when they were sitting in her room and
Stephanie had come in to get something and Taeyeons eyes had followed her like
magnets stuck to iron and Yoojung had looked at her, sadly, and maybe she had,
reallyunderstood.
When she comes home that night, she thinks she must look awful because
Stephanie rubs her shoulder and then pulls her close. She tries not to,
shereally tries, but the tears come anyway, hot and shameful. Its the first time
shes cried in front of Stephanie, or really anyone in years except her mother, and
she doesnt even know why she does. She just does. It feels terrible, in the pit of
her stomach, and the way Stephanie strokes her hair feels nice, and the two
feelings together make her cry harder.
Her best friend holds her tight. She clings to her, making a mess of her shoulder,
but somehow it wont stop. She doesnt know how long its been, but finally
Stephanie speaks, soft and soothing against her ear.
Hey, can I tell you something?
She can only bury her face in the crook of Stephanies neck, nod silently.
Im scared, Stephanie says.
Of what?

Of debuting. Of all of it. What if they dont like us? I mean, they already dont like
us, and we havent even done anything. What if we have no fans? What if no one
likes the song? Her voice is steady. Somehow, Stephanies the strong one and
she, Kim Taeyeon, is a crybaby.
What if we fail, Stephanie says softly, and I have to go back to California, tell
my daddy I couldnt do it? I dont even know if I can do it
You can do it. She mumbles it, quiet, into Stephanies shoulder and grips her tight
around the waist. Shes ashamed to lift her head and show her red, crying face, but
she does it anyway because Stephanie has to know. Thats the only reason I know
well do well, because you can do it. I know you can. Youre amazing.
Somehow saying it is like a weight off her shoulders, like she has spent the last
three years needing to tell Stephanie that shes amazing, that shes the best person
Taeyeon knows, that shes changed her entire life.
Stephanie smiles at her, wipes the tears off her cheek with her sleeve.
TaeTae.
Hmm.
Lets make a pact, okay? She holds Taeyeon tighter, guides her head back onto
her shoulder and pulls her close. No matter what happenswe fail or succeed or
whateverno matter what happens, the two of us will be together. Okay?
Taeyeon doesnt know how to answer. She sniffles, nods her head against Tiffanys
shoulder, her nose brushing the soft skin of her neck.
Okay?
Okay, she murmurs.
They hook pinkies and touch thumbs and Taeyeon suddenly feels like crying again,
because she is eighteen years old, about to debut, and she is so in love with her
best friend her heart feels like it could burst.

present
(2015)
Her mouth felt numb as she introduced the song and then sat back, slipping her
headphones off. There would be fifteen minutes of commercials after the song, so
she took the opportunity to look over the new page of script that one of the writers
had placed in front of her.
Shifting impatiently, Taeyeon released a sigh. Shed only been sitting in the booth

for a little over an hour and she was already tired, aching to go home. Usually two
hours of radio passed like a blur, because it was enjoyable work, but now, when
she had something else weighing on her mind, it couldnt have dragged slower.
Ah, one of the writers said, passing behind her chair, isnt that Tiffany sshi?
Huh? Taeyeon snapped, wondering if it was possible that she had read her
thoughts. Tiffany
Glancing up from her script, she spotted Tiffany outside of the DJ booth, waving
from the window. Taeyeon bit her lip, trying to mask how excited she was to see
her. Wordlessly, and she hoped, impassively, she waved her in.
Whats up, Tiffany called cheerfully as she came in. She looked good. Taeyeon
could hardly speak, could only watch her with longing, careful eyes as she came
closer and then sat on the table right next to the script Taeyeon was currently
studying.
What are you doing here, she asked, soft. She suddenly felt better than she had
all day.
I dont know, I thought Id come visit you.
Taeyeon pointed past her at the camera. Its viewable radio today, say hi.
Tiffany looked surprised, twisting around to wave at the camera. Good thing I wore
make-up, she joked, smiling brightly. It was her Idol Smile, Taeyeon thought with
amusement, but it wasnt any less pretty.
The messages were coming in very quick on the website now. Taeyeon checked
them quietly, mostly as a way to stop herself from gazing at Tiffany until her eyes
fell out. There was a small satisfaction in how excited the fans and regular listeners
were at Tiffanys presence; if only the label understood that, that people liked them
as members of a group more than individuals, or that they liked them as
individuals because they were a group. But even if they could be convinced of that,
was she really someone who could do the convincing?
Its been awhile since Ive seen you working, Tiffany commented casually. She
touched the back of Taeyeons hand with one finger, featherlight. I was going to
text, but I thought Id surprise you.
Taeyeon hummed, content, and gave her a smile. All the worries that had colluded
in her head since lunch with Sunkyu earlier were slowly easing their way into
nothingness. Tiffanys presence was always a collaboration of extremes
comforting or stressful. Sometimes both. Today it was mostly just the former.
They sat in comfortable silence as the commercials played; Tiffany looked over her
script for her, making amused sounds at the funnier bits, and Taeyeon read
messages on the website.
Tiffany noona, marry me, she read.

You have to buy a ring, Tiffany said casually, and dont call me noona, Taeyeon.
When Taeyeon turned to look at her, stricken, her best friend was grinning.
Taeyeon blushed. Im just reading the messages
I know.
Her smile was teasing. Taeyeon shook her head.
You look cute today, Tiffany added. She plucked at the bracelet Taeyeon wore on
her wrist and then dragged her finger up the sleeve of her navy blue sweatshirt.
Taeyeon bit her lip, looking down at her outfit. She had literally thrown on the most
comfortable clothes she could find.
I look like a bum, she joked, her tone careful as Tiffanys finger slid distractedly up
her covered forearm.
A cute bum, Tiffany returned and she laughed, uncomfortable.
Tiffany was a natural flirt, and always had been, but sometimes it was harder to
handle than other times.
As the commercials came to a close, she made Tiffany sit down before she picked
up the last thirty minutes of the show. She cut out one short segment so that Tiffany
could talk a little and the last half hour flew by in ways she had wished the first hour
and half had.
Lets go get something to drink, Tiffany said as they were leaving and Taeyeon
agreed, because she would never turn down alcoholalthough maybe she
shouldjust as shed never turn down time with Tiffany.
Although, she thought, maybe you should.
They slipped out the back way toward the parking garage. There were a few more
fans waiting for her than usual.
Tiffany, polite as always, smiled and bowed to them as they approached the car.
Excuse me, she said sweetly to the ones blocking their way to the car, and they
moved quickly. Taeyeon rarely spoke to them, but they were surprisingly obedient
when spoken to. Really, Taeyeon thought wryly, they pretty much listened to
anything you said except leave me alone.
Dont talk to them, Taeyeon muttered, holding the passenger door open for
Tiffany.
She held her breath as Tiffany slipped past her into the car, too close for comfort.
What am I supposed to do, Tiffany complained once Taeyeon had come around
the car to climb in the drivers seat, ignore them?
Taeyeon slammed the door shut. Yeah.

I cant. Maybe if you were more friendly with them, theyd leave you alone.
I sincerely doubt it, Taeyeon replied, rolling her eyes as she pulled out of the
garage. She glanced in her rearview mirror to see if they were following. They
were. She turned on the radio and turned up the music.
Tiffany drummed her fingers against her thighs rhythmically, distractedly, before
turning the music down a little.
Did you ever sleep with any of them?
Taeyeons brow wrinkled. Who?
Tiffany gestured vaguely behind them, where a taxi was following the car.
Them? Taeyeon spat. Uh, no.
Really? I know some idols who do.
Uh, maybe they do, but I would never
Why, youve slept with fans before. Havent you?
Taeyeon gaped at Tiffany in disbelief. As they crawled to a red light she turned to
see if Tiffany was really serious. She was.
Um, no? Maybe a casual fan butI mean these girls know my schedule better
than I do, they know what kind of toothpaste I use, they probably know what color
my underwear is right now. Who would sleep with someone like that?
Tiffany shrugged, frowning. You know my schedule better than I do.
We work together.
You know what kind of toothpaste I use.
Weve lived together.
What colors my underwear?
Probably pink, but anyone whos met you for ten seconds could guess thatare
you trying to say Im stalking you, or that you wouldnt sleep with me, or both?
Neither.
The light turned green and Taeyeon accelerated briskly, trying to lose the taxi
behind her.
So you would sleep with me? she joked with a grin. This was a game they played,
sometimes, a stupid, dangerous game where they pretended they could joke about
things that Taeyeon yearned for with her entire being.

Im just pointing out that someone knowing that much about you isnt really a
reason to not sleep with them, Tiffany replied, crossing her arms over her chest.
Still, she was smiling. And yes, theyre pink.
Either way, I havent, and I wouldnt. Theyre crazy. Theres a pretty big difference
between allowing someone into your life and someone forcing their way into your
life.
She had managed to lose the taxi by taking a side street but the roads were unlit
and sheathed in shadow. When she glanced at Tiffany, she could barely see her
face but her silence was oddly telling.
Taeyeon sighed. Whats your deal?
I just think, why else would they follow you around like that?
So she thought it was her fault, too. Just like Juhyun had. Ive never encouraged
them, she said evenly.
If you say so.
Taeyeon scoffed. Why do you care so much?
Tiffany was silent for a long moment. Taeyeon tried to find a parking spot that
wasnt an hour walk from the club.
I dont, Tiffany said, finally, in a small voice, and Taeyeon wasnt sure why, but
her heart suddenly began to beat very fast. For a long time, she wasnt sure what to
say, and busied herself parallel parking.
She turned the car off. Look. Who I sleep with is none of your business. Just like
who you sleep with is none of mine. Right?
Right, Tiffany said, and got out of the car.
Taeyeon sighed and counted to ten slowly. She wasnt going to risk getting into
another fight with Tiffany so soon after making up. She didnt have the energy
needed to make Tiffany aware of just how emotionally traumatic and manipulative
her preoccupation with Taeyeons sex life was, and she wasnt sure she had the
willpower for it either. She took a breath.
It occurred to her, suddenly, that she had spent a good ten years of her life
convincing herself that being Tiffanys best friend was the healthiest thing to strive
forthat if Tiffany could never feel the same as she did, that at least there was
that, at least there was their friendship, and that had to be a good thing. It was only
now that their mutual codependence had become stifling.
It wasnt a normal friendship, she thought, because it had nothing to do with choice.
They needed each other. They had tied themselves together so tightly that there
was no room for movement. She could tell Tiffany that who she slept with was none
of her business, but of course it was her business; Taeyeons entire life was
Tiffanys business, and Tiffanys life was Taeyeons. How could she hope to move

on when everything she did only made the rope tighter, tied them together more
profoundlyhow could she even breathe?
The revelation made her feel weak, dizzy. She got out of the car and followed
Tiffany into the club. First order of business: get drunk. Second order of business:
loosen the rope.

chapter nine
The sun came in strong and crooked and it was like most mornings: Taeyeon
wished for her headache and almost diurnal hangover to disappear, for her to learn
to sleep in a manner that didnt leave her with numb limbs and aching joints, that
whatever girl she had brought home and was currently pressed against her like a
too-warm blanket would leave with little to no fanfare. She rolled fussily onto her
back and attempted to stretch but she was bound, restrained by a solid weight.
She mightve pushed it off if she hadnt inhaled just then and the familiar shampoo
scent caused her eyes to snap open and blink blearily.
Tiffany.
Taeyeon had watched Tiffany sleep for years. Well, nohastily, she amended that
thought; it made her sound like a stalker. But she had. She could cast her memory
back pretty far and still, there was Stephanie Hwang at fifteen years old, sleeping in
the bed across the room. There was Stephanie Hwang at twenty, asleep in the van
en-route to another schedule. There was Stephanie Hwang at twenty-five,
slumbering in the practice room after another all-nighter. It was an image she was
used to and yet irrepressibly moved by.
She followed the line of Tiffanys nose with her eyes and then studied her mouth
and her jaw. Her headache fell away a bit. She watched the rise and fall of Tiffanys
chest and felt lighter than air.
A rumbling vibration came from somewhere on the other side of the bed and then a
piercing, shrill ringtone, a catchy American pop song, burst forth, and Taeyeons
eyes widened as though shed been caught; instantly, she shrank backwards,
attempting to put an impossible distance between her and Tiffany as she watched
her best friends eyes flutter a bit, rousing herself.
The eyes remained closed, but she rubbed quickly at them and her nose and then
threw her hand behind her, groping around blindly for the source of the noise.
Taeyeon watched as Tiffany stifled a yawn, flung one arm over her eyes to block
out the sunlight, and then answered the phone with a hoarse mumble: Hello.
She shifted a bit, arm still thrown over her eyes. Yeah. Hey. She had switched to
English. Her voice was hoarse and thick from sleep, but warmth and sweetness
escaped it and Taeyeon felt stupid, lovesick, just watching, just listening. She could
catch little of the conversation but thought maybe she understood time difference
and six in the morning here in Korea and some vulgar slang word that Taeyeon
was pretty sure constituted an insult but was said gently, like a term of endearment.
It ended, maybe, with something about call you later but her lack of English
comprehension coupled with the weird feeling of dread in her stomach made it very
difficult for Taeyeon to really understand.
Tiffany disconnected and dropped the phone to the floor, keeping her eyes covered
for a few breathless moments; for a second, Taeyeon was sure she had fallen back

asleep, but then there was a sleepy groan and Tiffany rolled over, pressed right up
against her and put an arm around her waist.
Morning, Taeyeon, she murmured sleepily, and bumped her nose against
Taeyeons cheek.
Good morning, Taeyeon croaked out. Her mouth was dryer than she had thought.
Tiffany mumbled something unintelligible and shifted. Her body felt warm; her
breath warmer. Taeyeon swallowed hard.
Hows your head, Tiffany asked, eyes still closed.
Could be worse, Taeyeon admitted. You?
Tiffany laughed lightly and it was soft, tingling against the skin behind Taeyeons
ear where her mouth had settled. You know I dont get hungover, she replied.
Oh yeah, I forgot that I hate you.
You do not. Thanks for letting me stay.
Taeyeon made a dismissive noise and closed her eyes. Maybe they could fall back
asleep like this. Maybe shed loosen the rope tomorrow. Or next week. Or in a year
or two. Whatever. Im sure I begged you.
You did, actually, but I wasnt going to tell you about it for the sake of your pride,
Tiffany laughed and Taeyeon laughed too.
What pride, she wondered.
A warm silence followed and Taeyeon felt herself drifting off to sleep. Tiffany rested
her head onto her shoulder and breathed evenly.
TaeTae?
Quiet, this is quiet time.
There were just eight hours of quiet time.
Shhh I cant hear you Im asleep...
Tiffany punched her in the stomach and she groaned, rolling away from her.
Never mind, Im awake.
Tiffany rolled over, too, onto her stomach, and put her cheek down on the pillow.
Taeyeon peeked at her and mirrored her position. They looked at each other, one
eye each, a breath between them.
You were right, Tiffany said at last.

Of course I was, Taeyeon agreed. Im always right. What about?

Tiffany rolled her eyeswell, the one eye Taeyeon could see. About. Me wanting
you to date someone. Its true. Taeyeon held her breath. I want you to get over
me. You need to get over me.
Push. Pull. Push.
I dont want to talk about this.
Taeyeon.
Its not that simple.
Tiffany sighed. But you dont even try. If youd let someone else get close, then
you could
She trailed off absently. Taeyeon exhaled, rolling over and flopping onto her back.
She looked at the ceiling, at the miniature holes formed by little pockets of air in the
paint. She could feel Tiffany watching her and wanted very badly to disappear from
her sight.
I just want you to be happy, Tiffany said, just as shed said a million times. Thats
all I want. Youre not a burden. Youre my best friend. I love you. And I want you to
be happy.
Taeyeon closed her eyes. Was that possible, she wondered. Happiness. Had she
convinced herself that there was only one thing, one person, that could make her
happy? Was it natural to want, yearn for the same thing since you were fifteen
years old, encumbered by awkward adolescence, dizzy with hormones?
But love wasnt a thing you could turn on and off like a faucet. Romantic love or
platonic loveit was all the same involuntary feeling. If it could be controlled, she
would have turned it off long ago. Not just her feelings for Tiffany. Even her feelings
for the rest of the group, she would turn those off, too; feeling desperate with
devotion toward the members wasnt a good thing, had never been a good thing,
wouldnt be a good thing. If she could turn it off, she would push them into distant
slots. The slot for friends, acquaintances, co-workers, colleagues. People you could
get along with, but didnt feel like you were taking your every breath for.
She thought about it, because she needed it. She knew Tiffany was right. Maybe
Tiffany didnt even know how right she was. It was like a Chinese finger trap, and
the more she tried to pull away, the tighter she was held. The only break was a
clean break.
If she could say it, she would try, but her lips stayed closed. At last, Tiffany sighed
and rolled closer again, putting her head on Taeyeons shoulder and her arm
around her waist.
Im sorry, she said softly.
Taeyeon laughed silently, reflexively. Involuntary. She could no more make herself

stop feeling this way about Tiffany than Tiffany could make herself feel something
that wasnt there. It made Taeyeon feel guilty to have burdened her so badly.
No, Im sorry, she replied, whispered. You were right, too. You were right. I dont
think about your side of things. Its selfish.
Tiffany didnt respond for a long moment and then she laughed. Did you just admit
that I was right about something?
Taeyeon opened one eye. Tiffany had lifted her head to grin at her.
Well
So if I was right, Tiffany began thoughtfully, that means that you were
Taeyeon narrowed her eyes.
You were ugh, whats the word, you know my Koreans bad you were
Im going to kill you.
No, dont kill me, Tiffany cried dramatically, you have to teach me Korean,
sunsaengnim, sexiest sunsaengnim
She shrieked, dodging the hand Taeyeon shot out to violently murder her with.
Reaching behind her head, Taeyeon seized a pillow and lobbed it in Tiffanys
general directionthe ensuing yelp and thud confirmation that she had hit her
target.
She barely had time to feel smug before the pillow was flopped with a dull thwack
on her nose as Tiffany whined, Not the face, you jerk, this face makes money.
Like this one doesnt? Taeyeon shot back, lifting the pillow off her face and
flinging it back in Tiffanys direction.
Not as much as this one does.
That was it. Taeyeon scrambled to her knees, reaching for another pillow. Youre
dead.
You cant kill me, the fans would totally hate youhey, ow. The pillow had
smacked her in the side of the face. Not the face, you jerk. She dove across the
bed, grabbing Taeyeon by the arms and shoving her into the mattress, hard.
You started it, Taeyeon gasped, trying to free her arms.
Because. Tiffany pinned her left wrist down. You. She pinned the right.
Wouldnt. She forced Taeyeons flailing legs still with her own. Say. She sat
down on Taeyeons stomach, forcing the air out of her. It.
Say what, Taeyeon gasped, grinning.

Say it. You were

Taeyeon looked at her, wide-eyed, silent.
Taeyeon, I will suffocate you with a pillow.
Im calling your bluff.
You think I wont?
Taeyeon looked at her expectantly. Her hair fell around them and there was no
light, no distraction, just Tiffanys face, lined with sleep, cheeks and nose flushed
pink, her eyes like the promise of a storm. Taeyeon held her breath and tried to
memorize the space between them.
Tiffany looked at her for a very long moment, touched her face.
Do you have any idea how much you mean to me?
Taeyeon exhaled unsteadily. She could feel her heartbeat in her entire body,
throbbing against every vein, even her blood enraptured by Tiffanys presence.
She cleared her throat, a mess of wrong feelings. Does that mean you wont kill
me? she tried to joke, and Tiffany narrowed her eyes.
All you have to do is admit it.
Admit what, she asked innocently.
Tiffany reached for the pillow.
Okay, okay! she cried. Wrong. I was wrong.
Tiffanys triumphant smile was mirrored in her eyes; it was so sweet one could
almost forget that she had wrestled Taeyeon into submission and threatened to
asphyxiate her. Almost.
As Tiffany loosened her grip, she added, I mean, I wasnt really wrong, to be fair,
Im just saying you had a point, I was still right about A hand reached out for her
again; she leapt from the bed, running toward the bathroom, howling even as
Tiffany was hot on her heels, I have to shower, sorry! and slamming the door in
her best friend's face.
Im going to dump all your stupid perfume down the sink, Tiffany shouted through
the door.
You wouldnt.
Every single bottle.
Ill tell Jessica about that time you had sex in her bed.

There was a long silence from the other side.

Okay, you win.
It was a hollow victory at best.

When she came out of the shower, Tiffany was nowhere to be found. She dried her
hair and neatened up the kitchen. Tiffany came in from the balcony; she let the cold
in.
Where did you Taeyeon began and then made a gagging sound when the smell
hit her. You said youd quit.
I am quitting, Tiffany said, frowning. She held out her pack of cigarettes, of which
there were only three left. This lasted me all week.
Taeyeon threw the pack out. Congratulations, youve just quit.
I hope you know youre a bad person. Tiffany narrowed her eyes.
Im aware. She made coffee. We have to record today. I bet your voice sounds
terrible.
Okay enough for a demo. We really need to be rehearsing, Taeyeon. The nine of
us. Even if theres nothing to rehearse yet, we need to get back into practicing
together regularly.
I know, Taeyeon admitted, and her mind circled restlessly around what Sunkyu
had told her the other day. It was difficult enough finding a good rehearsal schedule
for all nine of them, with their separate and numerous schedules; knowing that they
were on a timeline and that the label was ready to discard them made it even more
difficult. She didnt know which managers and executives to talk to about practice
space. Even the names of the most trusted manager oppas had looked sinister in
her phone contacts list. Did they know? How many higher-ups knew that the label
wanted to dissolve the group? She felt sick about talking to anybody who didnt
believe in them.
Tiffanys cool, grasping hand circling her wrist alerted her to the fact that she had
spaced out, thinking about it. Tiffanys face was clouded with concern. Are you
okay?
Yeah. Taeyeon wet her lips. Should she tell her? They all were going to have to
know about it. Why had she been tasked with doing it? Why hadnt Sunkyu come
to all of them and told them, instead of unloading the burden onto Taeyeon and
expecting her to be ableshe had never been able to talk to them, not in this way.
It felt like a supplication, somehow, like she was being implored to act like a leader
do the leader thing Taeyeon I know you hate it I know you think you cant but thats
what we need right now.

She shook her head. Nothing, Im fine. You can use my shower.
Another thing filed away to think about when it seemed less stressful. She was
used to it by now.

A can of coffee plonked down on the table in front of Taeyeon. Another can
followed, balanced precariously atop the first. A third wobbled falteringly as it was
balanced on top of the second. As the fourth was being set down, Taeyeon
snapped out of her thoughts and looked up at Sooyoung.
What the hell are you doing.
Building you a tower of caffeine.
Taeyeon grabbed the top can before it fell. Thanks, I think.
Im just being cute, tell me Im cute.
Youre cute, Taeyeon said mechanically, opening the can to take a sip.
Sooyoung sat down next to her. The nine of them had arrived at the studio an hour
ago but they hadnt even started yet; they were slow to get back into the swing of
things, and the undertaking of producing it on their own was both burdensome and
freeing. It was going to be difficult, obviously, but on the other hand, they were
more or less on their own timeline, if they could make up for the studio costs and
production costs.
Taeyeon thought about that a little, in light of what Sunkyu had told her. She
sighed. Anyone would be better than her at breaking this kind of news.
Whats up, Sooyoung asked.
Nothing.
Dont sigh if its nothing, you only sigh when you want someone to ask.
Taeyeon locked eyes with her and sighed loudly, pointedly. Sooyoung shoved her
shoulder. They drank coffee in silence, waiting for the other girls to come back from
bathroom breaks and vending machine raids.
Silence with Sooyoung was one of the most comfortable silences. She wasnt sure
why that was. Sooyoung was one of the most talkative people she knew, which was
good, because Taeyeon was the opposite. Sooyoung could happily carry an entire
conversation by herself and all Taeyeon needed to do was listen. Yet, the silences
were just as comfortable.
Thought you were going to come visit me last night, Sooyoung said finally.
Oh yeah, Taeyeon apologized. Sooyoungs radio show was in the slot directly

after hers, so she often stopped by on her way home, if she had nothing else to do.
Sorry.
Its okay, Im sure you were busy with your incredibly taxing schedule of doing
nothing, Sooyoung joked. What is your job again?
Taeyeon laughed. She really did just DJ lately. All the attention she had meant to
give to working on a solo album had fallen away. It had been an uneventful three
months.
Sorry. She had really meant to stop by, but Sooyoung had flown out of her head
completely when Tiffany had appeared. She knew that if she said that, Sooyoung
would understand, but she also knew Sooyoung would understand without her
having to say it.
No big deal, I only cried about it a little.
Use this tragic experience as inspiration when we record our next ballad.
I think I might. Everything okay?
The way she said it made Taeyeon pause, canned coffee halfway to her lips. She
sighed. Man, Kwon Yuri, she doesnt know how to keep anything between two
people, does she?
Hey, Yuri tells me everything, you know that.
Yeah, yeah, Taeyeon grumbled.
I was just worried about you, and you havent been talking to me about stuff. She
wasnt blabbing or anything, she was just trying to tell me I didnt need to worry
about anything. Youre fine. Youre you.
Sooyoung smiled. Taeyeon smiled back.
Yeah, Im me, she said, and drank her coffee. It was another comfortable silence
that prodded her into thought. She set her coffee down. Im sorry, Ive been a bad
friend.
No, you havent.
She snorted.
Youve never been a bad friend. You havent. You dont have to be communicative
for us to know how you feel, jackass. Weve known you forever. You think we dont
have you figured out?
I dont know. That sounds scary.
If I need advice, I go to Sunkyu, Sooyoung explained. If I need to complain, I go
to Yuri. If I need to laugh, I go to Hyoyeon. If I need to be felt up, I go to Jessica.

Do you often need to be felt up?

I like to feel attractive. Anyway, my point is, everyone has their own role, and not
everyone needs to occupy the same one. If I need reassurance that my life is going
somewhere, I go to you.
Taeyeon was surprised. Me? She could scarcely reassure herself that her own life
was going somewhere; how could she be responsible for someone elses
reassurance? Why me?
Because, Sooyoung said simply. Even if you dont know what you want, you
know that you want whats best for us. So I dont have to worry. I know you have
our best interests at heart.
There was noise and laughter outside; the girls were coming back. Taeyeon stood
up to throw out her coffee. Thanks for the extra weight on my shoulders, she
joked, and Sooyoung grinned.
No problem.
Taeyeon opened the door and rushed the rest of the girls in. Lets go, come on, we
need to get started, I want to get this thing finished before I turn thirty.
It was that day, when they pumped out six demo recordings in one afternoon, the
recording studio empty of outsiders, that Taeyeon really thought about it.
It was a thing they had known for a lot of yearsthat there were people you could
rely on, people you could ask for help, people who knew you, butwhen it came
down to it, there was really just the nine of them. They had said it, hushed, in
moments of privacy and stupid sentimentalitysometimes they said it to other
people, sometimes to make them feel like outsiders, mostly to make them
understand that it wasnt a thing you could put a name or a label on, that it was a
feeling and not a word.
When they broke for dinner, Sooyoung wrapped her arms around her from behind
and said, Like a well-oiled machine, and she was right, because that was what it
was. The scary part was knowing what came next. It was hard to see the surface
when you were in this deep, and Taeyeon tried, pressingly, to imagine ten years
into the futureeven just five. It worried her. There was the idea of living in the
present, and then there was being incapable of seeing past the next ten minutes.
It was true; she did want what was best for them, and maybe whatever was best for
herself.
Again, she thought about a clean break; again, she thought about loosening the
rope.

chapter ten
(2007)
Kim Taeyeon learns very quickly that being an idol is mostly about not getting
enough sleep, rushing from schedule to schedule and being left at the whim of
production rather than output, and then occasionally, very occasionally, getting to
perform onstage and do the thing you love. She learns that there are hours upon
hours of promoting yourself for every three and a half minutes of performing. There
are cameras everywhere, well-meaning senior singers, some less-well-meaning
senior singers, the crushing disappointment of falseness found in people you
admire, the burden of being eighteen years old and shoved into a business made
for and by adults, people who are slick and smart and completely disinterested in
the fact that you are a teenager who only wants to sing, really, thats about it.
She smiles wildly on camera; its not fake, she means it. Shes happy, and the
happiness sinks around the edges of her and at the center theres exhaustion,
theres disappointment, theres worry, but there is genuine happiness there and she
thinks, sort of, this is probably the happiest shes been in her life, the most
exhausted shes been in her life, the most afraid shes been in her life. Its not
perfect, but its certainly the most anything shes ever been or felt.
The camera is a fickle, fair-weather friend. It magnifies her flaws, physical and
emotional and mental and creative. It scares her, because she knows theres a
disconnect between what she says and does and what they hear and see and what
is shown and dispatched. She knows that. But sometimes she prefers it to the quiet
moments at homenot home, no, the dorm, which isnt home, home is in Jeonju
with the girls she grew up with and yet doesnt know.
She looks at the eight of them and they scare her, too. There is a part of them that
are like friends, sort of, people shes trained with for years and likes and enjoys
spending time with. But theres a part of them that she thinks of as sinister,
because theyre all idols, too, arent they, theyre all desperate for success and the
raw hunger in their eyes to be more than just rookies terrifies her, even as she
knows its mirrored in her own eyes. They terrify her, because they made her
leader, and theres no pressure, really, but sometimes they look at her expectantly
like theyre waiting for her to know what to do, and the truth is, she never does.
They terrify her because she doesnt know what she wants them to be.
Colleagues? Friends? Family? Distant co-workers? What they should be to her is
contingent on what she should be, and she doesnt know what she should be.
StephanieTiffanyTiffany is the exception, though. Theres them and then
theres Tiffany. Her best friend, her Tiffany, nervous and excitable Korean and
pretty smile and the entire nation falling in love with her. She clings to Tiffany as
Tiffany hangs on her, but she thinks she probably needs Tiffany more than Tiffany
needs her. Tiffany is outgoing, personable, and has people eating out of her hand
within moments of meeting her. Tiffany is made to be an idol, Taeyeon thinks. Its a
reason not to give up, maybe, because she and Tiffany promised to be together,
and this is the only way they can be.

Its confusing, this business of being an idol, but its less confusing when her best
friend is next to her.

I think I messed that up, Taeyeon mutters. Theyre standing in the waiting room
and re-watching their performance. Taeyeon had been half a beat slow near the
end. She sighs heavily; there are no do-overs. Three and a half minutes and you
were done.
She feels Sooyoung wrap an arm around her shoulders. I think we all messed up
at least once.
Yeah, but Taeyeon begins and then pauses because theres no way of
saying you guys arent me that doesnt sound selfish. She sighs. Her throat feels
raw, inflamed. She thinks shes probably been pushing her voice way past its limits,
but she has to, because theres a lot at stake. She wishes, not for the first time, that
the line-up had been a little different. Then she wouldnt have been shoved in the
lead singer position. Or leader. She could sit back and sing the way she liked,
behave the way she liked, not drag around these heavy responsibilities shackled to
her like dead weights.
She feels Tiffany take her hand, lace their fingers together; she can tell its Tiffany
without looking. They watch the performance again, monitoring for more mistakes.
It was okay to make a mistake once, but if you made the same one twice you could
forget about sleepyou need more practiceyou need more practiceyou need
more practice
Isnt it weird, Tiffany says in the van on the way to their next schedule. We
wanted so badly to debut, for years, and now that we have its like wow, we need
waaaay more training.
Taeyeon nods vaguely but doesnt respond because the rest of them are listening.
She is figuring out what shes meant to do with this stupid title they gave her.
Theres no way shell ever feel comfortable being the sort of person who tells other
people what to do, so she cant do that. Even their mistakes, she feels hesitant
about pointing them out; instead, she hovers vaguely around them, watching them,
hoping they notice themselves so that she doesnt have to say anything.
Boost morale is the only thing she can think to do, so sometimes she goes around
to them with a stiff smile and says good job and she can tell by looking in their eyes
that they think shes awkward, forced, strange. What is their relationship, she
wonders. To the cameras, she would say friends, but truthfully, behind closed
doors, she thinks shes really only friends with Tiffany. Theres a distance even in
closeness with the rest of them, and she knows its her fault. They try, repeatedly,
to get closer to her but it makes the hair on her arms raise. She likes them a lot. In
a way, she loves them. She can envision herself working with them for years. But
something is telling her not to get too closedont let them get under your skin,
Taeyeon. Dontlove love them. If they knew you, they would run.
So she keeps them at arms-length. She listens to their feelings, their thoughts, their

emotions, and she swallows her own. She thinks of good things to saygood,
encouraging things. Sometimes she looks at them and her heart clenches with how
much they are coming to mean to her and thats when she knows she needs a
break, to close off for a few days, weeks.
She spends a lot of time thinking about love and how many forms it appears in.

Thats enough, she tells Tiffany one day, softly, under her breath. The rest of the
girls are talking over the commercials in the radio booth. Her hand finds Tiffanys
underneath the table and she squeezes her fingers gently, briefly, before letting go.
Her cheeks are hot. Stop, okay.
Tiffany looks at her. Playing dumb is her new thing. Its cute and has garnered her
a lot of fans. Like most things in this business, theres as much truth to it as there is
falseness.
Stop what? she asks, just as soft.
The whole Taeyeon frowns. Embarrassed. The couple thing. The
fanservice. Knock it off.
Tiffany blinks at her. She has pretty eyes. She has pretty everything. Thats really
the problem.
Why? Its fun. The fans like it.
I know they like it, Taeyeon hisses, but it makes me uncomfortable.
Uncomfortable? Tiffany rolls her eyes. Its just for fun.
But it isnt fun, Taeyeon wants to say. It isnt really fun when the person you think
youre in love with plays with you like that, for the sake of fans. It isnt fun, really,
because that person doesnt love you back, but theyre still pretending because
they think its fun. It isnt fun.
I just, Taeyeon says softly, delicately. Despite the softness of their conversation,
the serious tone of it seems to have attracted spectators. Across the table
Sooyoung looks at them, frowning.
Its not even really fanservice, TaeTae, Tiffany points out. I mean, I think its okay
if the fans know that were really close, and obviously were just joking around
Yeah, but. Taeyeon wets her lips. Tiffany hasnt seen the comments on the
internet. Isnt it unprofessional of Taeyeon to show that much favoritismand Couple
fanservice is one thing but if youre the team leader shouldnt you like all members
equally, instead of favoring one or the worst ones, the ones lined with sinister
intention, the Doesnt it seem like theres something different about Taeyeon and
the I like her voice but Ive read rumors about her that make me dislike her.

She knows she shouldnt read them; she tells the rest of the girls, repeatedly, not to
read the comments, but she cant listen to her own advice. Its like a sickness. As
soon as she steps off stage, off the camera, back from the microphone, she has to
look. Her fingers type in her own name without her realizing it and she cant help
but look, make herself sick with the things people say. There are nice things, there
are supportive things, but they seem so small and pitiful compared to the gigantic
looming words like unprofessional and favoritism and the worst one: rumors, those
rumors, rumors.
I honestly didnt think it would bother you, Tiffany says later, at home. Its been a
day-long argument. Since debut, all conversations and arguments occur like this
in small windows of time between schedules, stretching out sometimes for days
because of lack of time. There was hardly time to breathe, let alone talk, let alone
argue.
You didnt think it would bother me?
Because youre, you know. Tiffany shrugs, looking around to make sure none of
the other members are lurking around the kitchen.
Because Im, you know, Taeyeon repeats wryly. What does
Well, I mean, I wouldnt do it with someone if I thought it would make them
uncomfortable, Tiffany reasons. But I guess maybe youre sensitive.
Taeyeon counts to ten slowly in her head and reminds herself that Tiffanys Korean
is awful and thats why shes sometimes not as tactful as she should be. She sets
her jaw. Yeah. Thats why. Because Im sensitive.
Tiffany sighs. I dont get what the problem is, but if you want me to stop, Ill stop.
What am I supposed to do, stay away from you on camera? Should I pretend
youre not my best friend? Ooh, should I act like were complete strangers? That
could be fun.
Taeyeon massages the bridge of her nose. Youre being immature. Im just asking
you to stop the pretend couple thing. I dont care if people know were friends.
You dont seem to have a problem when Jessica does fanservice with you.
Thats different.
Why?
It just is. Okay? This makes me uncomfortable.
Tiffany looks at her for a long moment and then her expression softens. Okay.
Whatever you want.
Really?
Yeah. Whatever makes you happy, Ill do it. She smiles. Taeyeons entire body
feels warm.

Thanks, she says softly.

They stand alone in the kitchen quietly. Tiffany taps her fingers on the counter; she
wants to say something. Taeyeon can tell.
What, she prompts.
Taeyeon. Tiffany looks at her. Her expression is careful. Have you thought about,
you know. Telling the rest of the girls.
Taeyeon scratches her head. I dont think its their business.
I mean its up to you, of course, Tiffany says hastily. I just mean. We live
together. We work together. Were friends. Dont you think they would want to
know?
Taeyeon shrugs. Shes thought about it. But truthfully, if Tiffany hadnt figured it out
on her own, Tiffany wouldnt know either. She wouldnt have told her. Its not
something she feels capable of saying, even as much as she realizes its true.
Tiffany is the only person in the world, other than Taeyeons ex-girlfriend, who
knows, and that means something, Taeyeon thinks. Maybe.
I just think
I dont want
Theyd understand, Taeyeon, Tiffany says quietly. Theyre really nice kids. Youd
know that if you let yourself get close to them.
Frowning, Taeyeon shakes her head. Is it obvious that she wants to keep them at a
distance? Is it just obvious to Tiffany because Tiffany knows her best, or is it
obvious to them as well? I dont know. Ill think about it.
She fully plans, really, on not thinking about it at allshe says it to appease Tiffany,
but truthfully she has no intentions of telling anyone anything. Thats her plan,
anyway, but Jessica ducks her head in the kitchen. Her face is scrubbed of makeup
and her expression is one Taeyeon is not used to seeing from hershy, hesitant.
She knows that Jessica is a shy person, but even around them she usually
attempts some pretense of bravado.
Hey. I was looking for you guys.
You found us, Taeyeon says uncomfortably. We were just, you know, standing
quietly in a dark kitchen, staring at each other. Apparently.
Thats a good way to spend a Saturday night, Jessica jokes but her entire
demeanor is awkward, tense. Had she heard them talking, Taeyeon wonders. Her
heart beats fast.
Whats up? Tiffany asks, sensing Jessicas mood as well.

Uh, nothing. I was justum, I want to talk to everyone. So I wanted to make sure
everyone was home. So I could. Talk to everyone. Uh.
Is everything okay? Taeyeon presses.
Yeah! Yeah, uh Its weird seeing Jessica like this. Uncomfortable. Taeyeon
feels on edge, watching her. She doesnt want to see other peoples weaknesses; it
makes her feel protective. She doesnt want to feel like this.
Um, Im going to get the rest of the girls. Can you meet me in the living room?
Sure.
Taeyeon checks the clock as she and Tiffany make themselves comfortable in the
living room. Its a little after four in the morning. Their schedules had only finished
two hours earlier. Jessica is usually the first in bed after a long day like the one
theyve had; whatever is keeping her awake is important, Taeyeon thinks.
Unni, youre being so cryptic, Yoona whines as the rest of the girls file in, flopping
down on the floor in a loose circle. Somehow its natural for them to gather that
way, little to no thought ever put into formation.
Are you pregnant? Hyoyeon jokes, cleaning her glasses before putting them back
on. She looks like she had been sleeping.
Im not pregnant, Jessica laughs.
Good, that would totally ruin my career.
Dont worry, Kim Hyoyeons Career is pretty much number one on my list of
priorities.
What about Choi Sooyoungs Career? Sooyoung demands.
Dead last.
Wow, sleep with one eye open, Jessica.
They laugh lightly and then it dies out, weary with exhaustion. Jessica looks at all of
them fleetingly, but individually. Shes chewing her lower lip so hard Taeyeons
surprised it isnt bleeding. Despite herself, Taeyeon spares a glance to Tiffany,
whose expression is serious. Gentle. Taeyeon can tell she thinks she knows what
Jessicas going to tell them.
Uh, I wanted to talk to you guys Jessica begins and then breaks off uncertainly.
I mean, we debuted a few months ago, so I dont know. Its been a really difficult
couple of months, and um, I feel like its moved so fast and I just thought Id let you
guys knowuh, how much I like working with you. And living with you. Andyeah,
all that stuff. It seems as embarrassing for her to say as it is for them to hear. They
all shift uncomfortably. Sentimental displays of emotion arent exactly frowned
upon, but all nine of them are somehow all similarly embarrassed by that sort of
thing. They try to avoid it when possible. It isnt that they all dont agreeits just

difficult to be eighteen, seventeen and sixteen years old and tell people you love
them without feeling corny.
Yuri laughs. You pulled us out of bed to be gross and cheesy? she asks lightly,
breaking the awkward atmosphere a little. Thanks, Sica.
Yeah. Jessica laughs halfheartedly. Also I feel like weve all become really
close. So. I wanted to tell you. I thought you guys should know, you know, that Im
dating someone
They all nod slowly. Jessicas voice is shaking. Sunkyu touches her shoulder
gently. A lot of them had suspected, because she had been sneaking around a lot.
I just want to be upfront about it, Jessica goes on, her voice becoming smaller.
The person Im dating is, um female, so thats what I wanted to tell you
The room is so silent that Taeyeon can hear how hard Jessica swallows once shes
said it. Taeyeon has to hold her breath. She glances at Tiffany, who glances back
at her. Her hands shake for some reason.
Sooyoung is the first to break the silence. She and Hyoyeon have known Jessica
the longest.
Ah, Sooyoung says lightly. Its that unni, right? She smiles.
Jessica laughs nervously, relief hesitantly crawling across her features. Yeah. Its
her. Weve been dating for a few weeks now.
Thats cool. Shes pretty.
Once Sooyoung says it, the rest of them relax. They agree. Jessica relaxes. Yuri
tries to give them a couple name. Hyoyeon jokes that she didnt realize Jessica
could get a girlfriend that pretty. Taeyeons heart beats so loudly she can barely
hear them; it roars in her ears, throbs behind her eyes.
Im really glad you told us, Tiffany says, finally.
Relief has washed through Jessicas body so completely she looks boneless.
Taeyeons entire body feels rigid. The more relaxed Jessica becomes, the more
she feels herself strung tight. Jessica exhales heavily, smiling. So its okay with
you guys that I, you know, would uh, date a girl?
Yoona laughs. Why wouldnt it be okay? Since thats who you want to date.
No one disagrees. Whether theyre all genuinely okay with it, Taeyeon doesnt
know; shes not sure if they know, really, either, just that they know they love her
and wouldnt dare make this harder on her than it already is. Consolation is first
priority, and their instinctive protectiveness gives Taeyeon goosebumps, unsettles
her. She can feel Tiffany looking at her. She breathes evenly.
Jessica looks at the youngest. Juhyun, is this okay with you?

Juhyun frowns thoughtfully. Its a lot less gross than if you dated a boy.
Jessica laughs and then glances at Taeyeon. She fights to keep her expression
neutral, but its difficult, and she knows she must look pained. Jessicas voice is
even more careful when she addresses her.
Is it okay with you, Taeyeon?
Taeyeons tongue feels too heavy to move. Tiffany nudges her. Uh Taeyeon
begins, uncomfortable. She sees the rest of the girls exchange looks. Its okay.
The atmosphere has become uncomfortable. Jessica smiles nervously. Your
opinion matters a lot to me. I dont want you to be freaked out.
Im not, Taeyeon says, and thats all she says.
It has to do for the moment. They go to bed. The weeks stretch forward and
teenagers become seasoned idols and at a certain point, they stop being friends
and start being a family. There are times when Tiffany says you should tell
them and there are times, inextinguishable, tense with desperation, times when
Taeyeon thinks I should tell her.
She attempts to keep them at arms-length until her arms give out.

present
(2015)
Taeyeon closed her eyes and leaned her head back against the wall. Okay, she
began, exhausted, all yes votes raise your hand.
A quiet moment passed.
Oh, Im going to have to open my eyes to count votes, arent I? Wearily, she lifted
her head and opened her eyes. As expected, four members had raised their hands.
Taeyeon cursed under her breath. She hated being the tie-breaker.
Uhhh
What did you think, Taengoo unni? Juhyun asked.
Uh, well truthfully, my brain leaked out of my ears like an hour ago, so I dont
even remember what it sounded like, Taeyeon mumbled vaguely. So Ill say no,
it sucks.
You suck, Tiffany shot back. She had raised her hand the highest.
Okay, Taeyeon agreed. I suck and the song sucks. Neither will be on the album.
Next song for eight-membered Girls Generations album, lets hear it.

Sunkyu loaded up the next demo. Taeyeon shifted in her seat. Her ass had fallen
asleep roughly two hours ago. They had spent the entire morning sifting through
the many demos sent to the label from various and many songwriters, of which
there were hundreds. With the new responsibility that the co-producing title they
had all begged for came with was the added burden of having to select which
songs to record. It was mind-numbing; the ones that werent just plain awful were of
such awful production quality it was hard to tell whether they could be good or not.
Never again would Taeyeon complain about the labels ability to pick songs for
them; it was a terrible job. She had started the morning taking diligent notes on
which songs she liked; by now her notebook had devolved into wrathful angry
scrawls of BAD MUSIC and EVERYTHING IS BAD and I HOPE MY EARS FALL
OFF which were wholly useless for assembling any sort of album.
Unwillingly, her mind wandered. What would happen after this? Would this be the
last album she ever recorded? Not just the last with the group, butthe last album
ever? She couldnt imagine herself releasing a solo album. She couldnt imagine
where she would even release it. She couldnt imagine anything past this very
moment.
Hey, do you guys want to hear some news? Jessica asked when they decided to
break for lunch. They sat on the floor of the office in a tight circle, eating from a pile
of food in the middle.
Only if its good news, Sooyoung said just as Hyoyeon said, Only if its bad
news, and Yuri said, Only if its sexy news.
Its horrible news, Tiffany interrupted. Its horrible news from a horrible person.
If Tiffany unni thinks its horrible, I definitely want to hear it, Yoona said.
Its not anything big, Jessica said calmly even as she gave Tiffany a cold look. I
just wanted to let you guys know, Im moving in with unni.
In her apartment? Yuri asked. Thats awesome, her apartment is so much bigger
than yours.
Yeah, she makes way more money, Sooyoung agreed.
Jessica frowned. Its not because its bigger, its because I love her.
Love is really cool, unni, Yoona said dismissively, but penthouses are cooler.
Seriously, she has that view of the Han river
Dont listen to them, Taeyeon said. She smiled. Thats great. You guys have
been dating forever.
Its a big step, but Im excited, Jessica said. She had become shy. And I dont
think itll be suspicious or anything because, you know, theres been news articles
about the two of us being friends. I mean, Ill ask one of the managers what he
thinks.

Im sure itll be fine, Taeyeon said. Im really happy for you. Youow, why
She rubbed her shoulder where Tiffany had punched her.
Youre supposed to be on my side! Tiffany cried.
I dont know what your side is!
She cant move in with her, because then Id have to find a new place to live. I
cant pay the rent on my own.
You can do a bunch of easy commercials to make money, Yuri said. I just did all
those CFs and I made so much money.
But I dont hate myself as much as you apparently do, Tiffany whined. Seriously
oh my god a commercial about raisins
Hey, theyre not just raisins, theyre raisins covered in yogurt
Get another roommate, Juhyun suggested.
Tiffany didnt reply, electing instead to consider it before, it looked, dismissing it
outright. Except suddenly, she brightened, turning a stunning, dizzying smile on
Taeyeon.
Hey she began.
No, Taeyeon said.
Tiffany hit her. Why not?
Because you keep hitting me and no, I dont want to live with you.
Eyes narrowed. Yes, you do.
Yes, she did.
No, I dont.
Come on, weve lived together before. Im a very considerate roommate. Ask
Jessica.
Jessica shook her head slowly, looking at Taeyeon with wide eyes.
No, Taeyeon said.
Taeyeon
Tiffany just looked at her, eyes round as full moons. Taeyeons stomach fell. There
was a heavy feeling of dread working its way through her bloodstream. She was
never getting out aliveshe knew it. The more she tried to pull away, the harder
she was yanked back. Saying no to Tiffany had never been something Taeyeon

had done very well and no one knew that better than Tiffany herself.
She sighed.
Ill think about it, she said, but Tiffany smiled.
She knew what Ill think about it meant.

chapter eleven
Many people were lucky if they had one good friend in their lifetime, yet Taeyeon
had been blessed with eight, even if sometimes she felt more burdened than
blessed. They had ways of working themselves into every crack and crevice of her
existence. She hadnt known this when she was a kid, but apparently friendship
was being a pest, ingratiating yourself into every aspect of a persons life, hovering
over them when they wanted to be alone the most. It was a thing to complain
openly about and secretly cherish. Taeyeons best friends were like this more than
anything else. There was no slipping into yourself, shutting out the world; they were
always there.
Unless, of course, she needed someone to help her move, in which case they were
all mysteriously absent.
Youre unnis favorite, do you know that, she told Yoona, the only member that
had bothered to show up. She held the elevator door open as Yoona carried past
her two heavy boxes stacked on top of one another.
I did know, Yoona said deftly, but its nice to hear.
Cant believe even Juhyun betrayed me, Taeyeon grumbled, scratching her head.
You expect betrayal from Choi Sooyoung, but my little Juhyun
Shes working, unni. They're all working. Its not betrayal. Why didnt you call one
of the managers, they might have helped?
I did, I called Kibum oppa. He laughed and hung up on me.
Oh.
She understood that moving was tiring to help people do because she was still sore
from helping Jessica move into her girlfriends apartment last week. But Kwon Yuri
started every morning with two hundred one-handed push-ups, clearly she was in
much better shape than Taeyeon! And Jessicawell, Jessica was generally pretty
useless, but since Taeyeon had helped her move, the least she could have done
was show up and provide eye candy.
Anyway, thanks, she said, sighing. She punched Yoona on the shoulder playfully.
You couldve bailed too, but you didnt.
Yoona shrugged and looked at the floor. I didnt want you to do this alone, unni.
Her voice was even. The elevator doors opened.
Thanks, Taeyeon said, light, ignoring the hidden meaning she expected Yoona
was attempting to inject. Youre the best. If Tiffany didnt live here, she probably
would have bailed too.
I dont think Tiffany unni would ever bail on you.

Taeyeon frowned, lifting a box with an inelegant grunt. She kicked at the propped
open door of Tiffanys apartment and dropped it on the floor with an exhausted
exhale, moving aside quickly to let Yoona walk in. She strode past effortlessly with
her two boxes.
Barely breaking a sweat, Yoona tossed her hair out of her eyes, shifting the boxes
in her arms. Where do you want me to
Sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry! Tiffany squealed, running across the
living room in only a towel. Her hair was wet.
Really! Taeyeon cried in exasperation as Tiffany shut the door to her bedroom
quickly. You just got out of the shower? Yoona and I are halfway done already,
youre supposed to be helping.
Im sorry! Tiffany cried through the door. It took forever to wash my hair! Im
cutting it all off as we speak, Ill never keep you waiting again!
Taeyeon sighed.
"Why did unni shower anyway," Yoona muttered, "when she's just going to get
sweaty and need to shower again later..."
"Because she's a moron," Taeyeon suggested helpfully.
"I heard that!"
"That's because I said it loud."
Tiffanys door opened hesitantly. Her head poked out. Uh, Taeyeon?
Yes.
I left my clothes in the bathroom, could you
Taeyeon accidentally dropped the box she was holding. Are you naked in there?
What kind of a question is th
Yoona set her own boxes down. Ill get them.
Thanks, Yoona.
Taeyeon put her head in her hands and attempted to look away as Yoona handed
Tiffany a folded stack of clothes through the door crack and Tiffanys clean, bare
shoulder eased out from behind the door. It shut quickly. Taeyeon released a
breath she didnt even know she was holding.
Yoona gestured helplessly toward the closed door. You have to live with that
everyday now, you know.
Taeyeon laughed, shaking her head. Ive done it before, I guess I can handle it.

When the three of us moved in together, Sooyoung unni and I made Yuri unni sign
a contract saying she wouldnt walk around naked, its worked pretty well so far.
Ill consider that, Taeyeon said dryly, but wondered who in their right mind would
think Yuri walking around naked would be a bad thing.
Tiffany managed to help them get a few more boxes up before she wandered away
to buy ice cream to reward their hard work. Taeyeon felt that the best reward for
hard work would be less hard work, which could certainly be accomplished by
Tiffany helping them for more than ten minutes, but she had really never been the
sort of person who could turn down ice cream.
She and Yoona rested on the back of the moving van for a little while. The moving
had attracted a small crowd earlier when bystanders had realized who the people
carrying boxes in and out of the building were, but the crowd had dispersed awhile
back. Taeyeon had no doubt that devoted fans had made the connection of where
she was moving and with whom she was moving in with, and made a note to stay
even further away from the internet than usual for the next few days. Histrionic,
excitable articles about Girls Generations Taeyeon and Tiffany moving in together
was really more than she needed right now.
The only fans left were the girls who followed her around regularly. Taeyeon had
heard them talking earlier about having to adjust their schedules so that they could
continue to follow her with her new address in mind. She wondered what they
thought about her crawling back to Tiffany like a dumb spineless moron, and then
felt oddly disgusted with herself for caring about what they thought.
You are spineless, though, she told herself, and then snickered.
Yoona nudged her. What are you laughing at.
Nothing. Hey, thanks for showing up.
Youve said that like, a thousand times now, I get it, unni. Im just less employed
than everyone else, I guess. Yoona grinned at her. Honestly, Im a little happy that
no one else showed up, its been awhile since it was just the two of us.
Cant it be just the two of us in a situation less taxing for my muscles.
Come on, I carried four times what you carried.
Taeyeon made a pitiful whining noise anyway.
Yoona stretched her legs out and leaned back on her elbows. Unni, can I ask you
something?
Taeyeon mirrored her. She nodded.
Do you think youre doing the right thing? Moving in with Tiffany unni?
She had been expecting this. She smiled a little. She forgot sometimes, because

Yoona was so mature and pretty, that she really was like a little sister.
She tried to look cheerful. I dont know if its the right thing. I definitely dont think
its the wrong thing, if thats what you mean.
I just mean Yoona frowned. I worry about you.
I know.
I know you can take care of yourself, but I cant help but worry, Yoona admitted.
Yoona had always been bad with serious discussions. For as long as Taeyeon had
known her, she had carefully dodged the grave and somber moments in favor of
lightheartedness. It was a thing she had always liked about Yoona. Yoona didnt
need to be taken care of, and in a way she was just as reticent about opening up as
Taeyeon was; consequently, Taeyeon had never felt burdened around her,
pressured into being more open with emotions. Yoona was the laid-back person
Taeyeon wished she could be.
It was weird to look up to someone younger than you, but there it was.
Its okay, was all Taeyeon would say, but she meant it. It would be a good
challenge. It wasnt really in her nature to be hopefully optimistic, but she would
give it a try. It was the exact opposite, maybe, of what she was hoping to do
extricate herself from Tiffanys life a bit, and vice versabut maybe the physical
proximity would make her stronger for it.
More and more the futility of basing her entire notion of contentment around a
stupid feeling shed had since she was fifteen years old was becoming ridiculous. It
wasnt fair to anyone. She kept telling herself that. It wasnt fair to herself, it wasnt
fair to Tiffany. It wasnt fair to anyone.
Can I tell you someth
Stop asking me for permission, Taeyeon said softly. Im not that fragile. You can
say anything you want.
Yoona looked at her, long and measured. I really look up to you, unni.
Taeyeon frowned. Anything except that.
I know you hate hearing stuff like that, but I really do. I wouldnt be able to handle
everything you handle.
I think its arguable whether Im handling it or not, Taeyeon admitted.
You are.
A shadow fell over them. Taeyeon looked up to see Tiffany standing over them,
backed by the sun.
I rushed because I figured you guys were hard at work, she said with a frown. She
handed them ice creams. Little did I know you were slacking on the job.

Look whos talking, Taeyeon commented, unwrapping her ice cream.

Ill do the rest all by myself, Tiffany declared, squeezing in between them.
That would be entertaining to watch. She sat up a little to check her phone.
Hyoyeon had sent a mass-text: HOUSE-WARMING PARTY @ TIFFANY AND
TAEYEONS 10PM B.Y.O. ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGE AND/OR WEIRD
DISGUSTING HEALTH DRINK THING IF YOURE MAGNAE
How do I block Kim Hyoyeons number, she asked idly, typing out a sarcastic
reply, and how does she think she can just invite everyone to a party at our place
without asking permission?
It was my idea, Tiffany said, leaning her chin on Taeyeons shoulder to peek at
the reply she was typing out. Its just going to be the nine of us so Iwhoa, did you
hit reply all, magnaes going to scold you for using that word.
Oh yeah. She deleted the insult and tried to think of a more polite way of telling
Hyoyeon she was the worst person alive. She hit send. So theyre too busy to help
me move but not too busy to come over and get drunk, is that it.
Well, are you ever too busy to get drunk?
Good point. She checked the rest of her messages. Her thumb hovered for a
moment over a text shed received last night without noticing. She glanced toward
Tiffany, now leaning on Taeyeons arm and reading over her shoulder, out of the
side of her eyes.
Do you mind?
Tiffany grinned. Why, are you hiding something?
Uh, no, I just
You want to read that text from Kang Hyejin, dont you?
I would like to read all my texts without an audience.
Does she send you dirty texts, is that why, is it going to be like Taengoo, what are
you wearing? Is thathey
Yoona had yanked her by the arm and pulled her away. Taeyeon shot her a
grateful look.
Are you still seeing her, unni? Yoona asked, putting Tiffany in a headlock.
Uh, not really, Taeyeon said vaguely, too distracted to point out that they hadnt
been seeing each other in the first place. She looked quietly at her phone. Hyejin
had gone to Japan with f(x) for a concert; it was her first time in Tokyo. She had
sent a selca, with Tokyo Tower in the background and a short message: Like you
said, it looks pretty at night!

She saved the picture because it was cute. Her phone background had been the
same picture of her and Tiffany for almost a year. She didnt really have the heart to
change it, but thought if she ever did, Kang Hyejin at Tokyo Tower might be an
okay replacement. She typed a reply.
Were just friends, I guess, she finally told Yoona.
Friends who sleep together? Tiffany joked, trying to wrestle out of Yoonas grasp.
She caught Taeyeons eye and her expression was serious, tensely curious despite
the flippancy in her tone.
Taeyeon shrugged. On the one hand, Tiffanys interest was disconcerting; on the
other hand, she guessed it was a normal thing for friends to talk about. She had no
idea what the correct path was toward trying to normalize their friendship.
I dont know.
Shes really pretty, Yoona commented. To Tiffany, she asked, Have you seen
her, unni?
No.
Oh.
They lapsed into an awkward silence. Taeyeon suddenly wished she had never
looked at her text messages.
She stretched. Her arms felt sore already; she couldnt imagine how theyd feel
tomorrow. She was more than a little out of shape. Maybe they could promote a
ballad, she thought ruefully.
It took a few hours, but they managed to get the last of Taeyeons things upstairs.
True to her word, Tiffany had done most of the workmostly, Taeyeon suspected,
because she felt guilty about leaving her and Yoona to do so much of it themselves
and it was just in her nature, but she also felt distinctly as though she had sent
Tiffany into a poor mood and her new roommate was hoping to avoid her.
It really didnt bode well for the future, Taeyeon thought, that they were already
victims of one anothers moodiness after living together for mere hours, but she
tried to think positively anyway. She walked Yoona to the door so the younger girl
could go home and shower before returning later for the party.
Thanks again for coming.
Youre welcome again. Are you going to be okay? Ill be back in, she checked her
watch, three hours.
Taeyeon shrugged, amused. Im going to be living here now, so if I cant survive
three hours alone with her, that would be pretty bad, wouldnt it? Ill be fine. I
promise not to jump out any windows, okay.

Yoona just looked at her with big, sad eyes. A part of Taeyeon was touched at her
concern, but it made her skin crawl somehow. The last thing she needed now was
everyone around her feeling even more sorry for her.
Im serious, she said softly. Everythings fine.
Yoona took her hand, lacing their fingers together. She didnt say anything, only
looked pensively at the floor as she swung their joined hands distractedly. Taeyeon
could tell she wanted to say something, but they werent that different. The words
refused to come out; it was a familiar feeling to Taeyeon.
She squeezed Yoonas hand. Get out of here. See you later.
Yoona nodded, smiled. Okay, unni.
The apartment was deathly silent once Yoona had left. She could hear Tiffany,
helpfully unpacking Taeyeons things into her bedroom, but the air was restless
with silence. She wasnt sure why the idea of being alone with Tiffany was suddenly
so terrifying to herthey were alone together often enough already. Yet it was like
being walled in now. If she needed to get away, if she needed air, where would she
go?
Tiffany looked up when Taeyeon came in. She was setting up her computer. Sorry
about the party thing, she said, her eyes apologetic. I didnt think it would bother
you.
It doesnt, I was just kidding around." Taeyeon smiled. Its good, I have something
to tell everyone anyway.
She tasted metal in her mouth. Tiffany looked at her, frowning.
Everything okay?
Yeah. Just some stuff we need to talk about.
You know whats best, Tiffany said reflexively. Taeyeon bit her tongue, willing
herself not to respond. She began unpacking her clothes first.
TaeTae.
She didnt turn. Hmm.
Do you think its a good idea, us living together?
No, Taeyeon said calmly. I think its a terrible idea.
Do you think I manipulated you into agreeing?
Yes, she replied honestly. She began hanging up clothes. But I could have said
no.
Are you angry?

No. She turned and caught Tiffanys eye. I just wish youd stop feeling like you
need to tie me down. Im not going anywhere.
Tiffany looked at the floor, ghosting the edge of a box corner with her foot. After
what you did, she began delicately, dont you think I have the right to worry about
you leaving me?
Taeyeon winced. She hadn't expected Tiffany to ever bring it up again. Youre the
one who left, not me. She tried to mask the harshness of her words in a pleasant
tone, but Tiffanys sad smile was evidence enough that shed caught Taeyeons
meaning.
Thats true, she said. Taeyeon had expected her to try and argue the point; the
lack of fight in her tone made her feel worse. She felt as if their roles had suddenly
reversed. Tiffany was usually the aggressive one who said things she didnt mean
while Taeyeon passively allowed it. She wondered how they had ever gotten to this
point, how they had ever managed to become so close to one another when their
personalities were so antagonistic.
Sorry, she said quietly. She looked at the floor, too. Come here.
Tiffany did. She hugged her, tight. She felt Tiffanys arms circle around her
shoulders, felt her pressing close. She breathed her in for a moment. She wanted
to say, then, that she wished they would stop trying to hurt each other, and that she
remembered the promise they made, once, and that was why it was so hardthat
she didnt know what to do, because it was going to be painful either way, wasnt
itwith her, without herand she didnt know what to doshe didnt know what to
do. She wanted to say it, but couldnt.
Instead, she hugged her, because loving Tiffany was a difficult thing, but it was also
the easiest thing.

Jessica and Tiffanys apartment had always been their default place for gathering,
partly because it was one of the biggest ones, and mostly because out of the nine
of them, Tiffany was easily the best and most considerate host. The one time theyd
gathered at Yuri, Sooyoung and Yoonas apartment had been like being left to fend
for themselves in the wild. Because she had spent the past two years of her life
living alone, Taeyeon hadnt really considered that living with Tiffany would disrupt
her very dedicated lifestyle of being alone; the rest of the group was one thing, but
Tiffany was an exceptionally social person.
Although, she thought, watching Tiffany from across the apartment, she hadnt
been very social since coming back to Seoul. She wondered if it was just because
she was so busy getting back into the swing of working, or if shed cleared her head
that much while in Los Angeles.
Maybe it made sense. They were twenty-six years old. They had crested the midtwenties; they were closer to thirty than twenty, which was a sobering thought. At a

certain age, she guessed, you became less interested in casual socializing and
more interested in family. For Tiffany, the eight of themwere her family.
And hadnt she chosen them, Taeyeon thought.
She sighed and checked the clock. It was getting toward midnight. Some members
had early schedules tomorrow and as much as Taeyeon wanted to put this off, it
was probably a good idea to drop the news while everyone was still lucid enough to
understand. She had been nursing one drink all night, feeling far too anxious about
what she knew she had to tell them to even think about getting drunkwhich was
something she needed to stop doing so much of anyway.
Hey kids, she called into the kitchen. Can you turn down the music a little, I have
to tell you guys something.
You look serious, unni, Yoona said, frowning. They turned the music down and
gathered in the living room.
Seriously, last time you looked this serious you tried to step down as leader,
Sooyoung joked, sitting down on the floor next to the couch.
Taeyeon smiled wryly. It was hard to look at them like this. She was reminded,
irrepressibly, of the five-minute talks they used to have regularly before theyd
moved out of the dorm. It had been difficult, then, tootheir expectant stares, silent
attention. She felt put on the spot, even if she had instigated it.
Whats up Taengoo?
So, um. Taeyeon laced her fingers together and set them formally in her lap. She
glanced at Sunkyu, who gave her a slight smile. I was thinking this week, we
should probably set out a timeline for finishing this album. Since we want to use all
original material, instead of previously-recorded stuff, its going to take awhile, but
since its the first album weve ever attempted to produce, I think its fine if we take
our time.
The other girls murmured in agreement. She steeled herself.
Um, the other thing is something Sunkyu brought to my attention the other day,
after she met with her uncle. She paused for a moment and considered, very
briefly, coaxing Sunkyu into breaking the news but she knew she had to. It had to
be her.
Soso sunsaengnim mentioned that this would probablybe our last album
together. You know, as a group.
Silence.
She wasnt sure what she had expected their reactions to be, but the hushed,
stunned silence wasnt nearly as unnerving as the way they continued looking at
herstill, expectant, waiting.
So

Hyoyeon shook her head. Waitwhat?

They all began talking at once. Taeyeons head ached.
What about our contracts, though?
I dont understand whywere still at the top, that seems so stupid
Are you sure about this?
Taengoo, what do you think we should do?
Um, she said softly. Her instinct, when cornered, was to look at Tiffany, but
Tiffany was staring quietly at her lap and wouldnt meet her eyes. She looked at
Sunkyu instead, but despite being the one to break the news to her, Sunkyus
expression was just as expectant as the rest of them, waiting for Taeyeon to tell
them what to do.
Taeyeon didnt know what to do. She had never known what to do.
She cleared her throat, more out of habit than anything, but it did the trick of
quieting them. Lookwe have time to think about this. I mean, sunsaengnim said
they would allow us to finish this album, right? She glanced at Sunkyu, who
nodded. I guess their intention was to blindside us with this, but we have a heads
up, and we canyou know. Figure out what we want to do She trailed off.
What did they want to do? Could anyone say?
She explained the rest of the situationabout the possibility of separate contracts,
the intention to promote them as soloists, her personal opinion that the
unwillingness to officially disband them would probably be the best way of making
sure they actually did disband. Her voice became smaller with each word; she
remembered being eighteen years old and burdened with her designation, terrified
to talk to them.
Unni, what do you think we should do? Juhyun asked and they all looked at her.
They kept looking. She had never felt so many eyes on her before. She had
performed in gigantic arenas, surrounded by thousands of wide-eyed, watching
fans, but this was much more. At least on stage, she knew what to do.
Itsthis is a nine-membered group, Taeyeon said, vaguely, uncomfortably.
What I thinkit should be what all of us think, not what I think, she rambled.
Quiet.
Yeah, but, Tiffany spoke for the first time, looking at Taeyeon pointedly, of the
nine of us, who do you think could have the most successful solo career? I think
your decision makes a big difference.
Taeyeon looked at her, confused. Theres no way of knowing who. Thats not the
point. We need to come to an agreement that were all happy with.
She was met with only silencea suspenseful, guarded silence, waiting for her to

say something. Always looking to her for the right answer.

But she had no ideashe didnt want to think about it. No one would want to be the
first to say lets do what we can to make sure we stay togetherbecause what if not
everyone felt that way? Just as no one could be the first to say maybe disbanding
is the right thing because what if no one else was on the same page? Coming up
with a solution was like picking a side, and Taeyeon had no idea what side she
should want.
We have time to talk about it, she kept saying to the members as she walked
them to the door, making sure they all had arrangements of getting home safe. She
said it to each of them and felt she had to because they kept looking at her, waiting
for to say something. It was making her sick. For every we can talk about it were
ten more what should we do Taeyeon what should we do unni what should we do.
Once they were gone, she found Tiffany in the kitchen, cleaning up. Her face was
drawn tight. Taeyeon felt winded. Maybe, she thought, she should have told Tiffany
first, alone. Maybe it was favoritism, she thought with hollow amusement, the old
guilt rearing its ugly head, but maybe Tiffany had deserved that muchshe had
chosen them. She had chosen Korea, the group, the nine of them.
Miyoungie, she said softly, affectionately. Are you okay?
Tiffany nodded. She piled glasses in the sink. She was not okay. Taeyeon touched
her elbow, hesitantly, and tried to pull her close but she stayed rooted to her spot.
Do you want to talk about it? she pressed, but Tiffany shook her head. She looked
up, finally, meeting Taeyeons eyes.
What do you think we should do
Please dont ask me that, Taeyeon whispered.
Tiffany looked at her for a long moment. Are you going to fight for this group,
Taeyeon?
She didnt know what to say to that.
You arent, are you?
She wet her lips. II dont know.
Tiffanys eyelashes fell along her cheekbones. She looked down, exhaled quietly.
She took Taeyeons hand briefly, and squeezed it. Good night, she said, and
walked past her. The air went out of the room.
Taeyeons first night in her new apartment was sleepless.

chapter twelve
(2008)
Taeyeons nights are sleepless.
If she closes her eyes, this room has just four bare walls, floor and ceiling, empty;
she is lying on the floor, in clean air.
If she opens her eyes, there are three beds and she is in the one closest to the
wall; there is a window with the shade clumsily drawn, hanging crooked against the
windowsill; a closet stuffed with clothes; a minefield of a floor with things to trip over
every few feet.
She takes a breath, breathes in the same air she breathes in every night as she lies
here and cannot sleep.
There is movement at the door, but Taeyeon keeps her gaze on the ceiling,
breathes in and out evenly. Yoona is filming late into the night. It could be
Sooyoung, coming in to sleep. It could be any one of the girls coming in to talk,
unload their worries on her ever-patient ears. She hopes it is, and hopes it isnt.
The bed dips; her stomach clenches. Tiffanys face comes into view, looming over
her, hair falling like a crashing wave.
Hey, Tiffany says. The room is dark. I didnt know you came home.
Just a little while ago.
Did I wake you?
Taeyeon laughs, lightly. She hasnt slept properly in weeks. She would love to be
woken up abruptly from sleep, because itll mean she has managed to drift off
properly for once.
No.
How was your date?
It wasnt a date, Taeyeon grunts. She closes her eyes as Tiffany combs long
fingers through her hair, neatening up the messy bangs on her forehead.
Since this is like, the tenth not-a-date youve gone on with her, isnt it time you
admit its a date?
Taeyeon smiles a little. She feels Tiffany drag a finger between her eyebrows,
gently, then down her nose. Okay, I guess were dating.
Tiffany shoves her shoulder. When she opens her eyes, her best friend is grinning
down at her.

What are you so happy about, she wonders, stretching.

Nothing. Im happy for you. Shes pretty. And shes always really nice to us
backstage at music shows.
Taeyeon lifts a shoulder casually. Yeah, shes pretty.
Tiffany hits her, again. Stop trying to be cool.
Im not trying, I just happen to be really cool, Taeyeon laughs. She rests her hand
on her stomach and feels Tiffany take it, lace their fingers together. They look at
each other a long time. Its moments like this, really, when Taeyeon is unable to
think, and can only get lost in the depths of Tiffanys eyes, wonder if anyone has
ever looked this deeply into them. She wonders if anyone has ever looked at her
the way Tiffany does, and she wonders if Tiffany looks at anyone else the way she
looks at her. Its an agonizing thought, but it gives her hope, sometimes.
Hope is dangerous, though, hope is self-conscious.
TaeTae?
Its been a while since shes heard the nickname. She slides her fingers through
Tiffanys, locking them tighter together.
Hmm.
Dont you think you should tell the other girls? Tiffany says quietly. I mean,
especially now. If youre dating.
Taeyeon shifts uncomfortably.
I mean, Tiffany goes on. They tell you when theyre dating, and
Yeah, but its not like I ask.
I just, I mean, its up to you, of course. I just dont understand why you dont want
to be honest with them. I mean, like, obviously no one is going to have a problem
with it, you know.
She doesnt know how to answer. She doesnt know how to tell Tiffany how
desperate she is to make sure no one gets too close, how she, Tiffany, is the only
person shes let get this close and sometimes she worries its a mistake, that its
unnatural to love someone this muchnot just romantic love, not just the way she
feels when Tiffany comes out of the shower and she wonders what the wet skin at
the hollow of her throat tastes likebut the way she feels, sometimes violently,
desperately, that Tiffany is the best thing to ever happen to her; she is the best
friend Taeyeon will never deserve.
Im sorry, she says simply, I dont think I can.
They hear the front door open and close. Taeyeon checks the clock.

That must be Yoona, she says, groaning as she tries to sit up. Lets have a fiveminute talk.
The five-minute talk had been her idea. As she sits in a disorderly circle with her
eight group members, a throbbing pain in her head from days of no sleep, she is
fully aware of the irony of convincing them of a good idea to make them closer to
each other, when its the last thing she wants. She is unable to make her
professional and emotional selves reconcile, but convinces herself its in the
interest of better teamwork, and not because they mean more to her than she
wants to admit.
Its your career, she tells herself day after day. The only thing that matters. The
reason you came here. You didnt come here for companionship, you came here to
sing.
She wants to believe it more than she can make herself believe it. She takes steps
to ensure longevity, to make sure they can last as a group; she tells herself theyre
steps to make sure she can do this work for as long as she needs to. When she
says Id like to be in Girls Generation forever she tells herself it has nothing to do
with them as people, its a need to cling to the work and the sweat and the
addiction to success. She gets lost in their words and touched by their sincerity
toward her, their earnest emotion, but she will not love them.
It has been a tiring hiatus filled with false starts and numerous stops and the
frustration builds in her like a storm. She thinks back to their debut and what they
could have done better, more efficiently, less controversially, so they wouldnt have
to be in this position of potential worry that the label will decide there isnt much use
to them.
She is not a leader; shes selfish. She wants their teamwork to be perfect because
the groups improvement benefits her, solidifies her future, ensures her that she will
reach the top and be happy.
The talk draws to a close. She feels the need to wrap up, because tomorrow they
go into the studio again to record a song that will hopefully be releasedfinally,
something, after months of waiting, of feeling like they were set to debut again
and they can try again, maybe, group together and be a stronger group. Shes
desperate for it.
I just want to make one thing clear, she says, and they all quiet. Maybe just to
hear her, because her voice is soft, or maybe because she speaks so scarcely that
when she does, theyre stunned into submission.
We debuted over a year ago, andI think we can all agree there were a lot of
problems, and hiccups along the way. But. She clasps her fingers together and
looks at her lap; their eyes make her nervous. I would like to do this, this job with
you guys, for the rest of my life.
She is anxious to meet their eyes, but they look at her warmly and she feels it build
in her stomach, like a pleasurable sense of dread.

I know it sounds stupid, she says softly. But I mean that. So I thinkif we work
hard now, and do things bit by bit, then we canwe can be a strong group that will
last a very long time.
They agree. That night, she cannot sleep at first, as she usually cannot sleep. But
beneath the anxiety and worry and fear is an unfamiliar sense of security, safety,
and it lulls her to sleep like a boat rocking gently on a lake.

present
(2015)
Taeyeon thought, broodingly, that attempting to erect a wall around herself had
somehow had the opposite effect than anticipated. As time wore on, she thought
pressing Hyejin to the wall and meeting her lipsshe became more and more
vulnerable, impossibly vulnerable. Experience should have taught her that the more
she attempted to distance herself from something or someone, the more attached
she would grow, and yet she had somehow allowed this to happen.
Im sorry, she breathed, and her mouth found the pulse at Hyejins throat.
Sorry for what? The air dropped around them. Taeyeon clung to her, put her
mouth next to inviting lips. She wanted her mouth to be everywhere at once. She
felt Hyejins arms tighten around her neck and block out the memories.
She wasnt sure for what or whywhat memories. She kissed her. Hyejin had
barely made it two steps into the apartment, halfway out of her shoes, halfway out
of her coat. It had been awhile since Taeyeon had seen her, she admitted, but she
had not expected to feel this eager when she saw her.
Hey, she greeted finally, kissing her one last time. Welcome back to Korea.
Good to be back. Her flight had come in the night before, and Taeyeon had
invited her over for breakfast. Sorry Im a little early, I gave myself extra time in
case I couldnt find the place, but it was really easy to find. She looked around,
finally getting her other shoe off. The rest of her coat followed. Its really nice.
Yeah, its not bad, Taeyeon said. She couldnt stop looking at her.
Its bigger.
Yes.
Youre still in your pajamas. Im sorry, Im early.
Taeyeon looked down at herself in distraction. No, its okay. I was just going to
take a shower while I waited for youdo you mind waiting?
Not at all.

Or, she teased, you could join me.

I could, but Id prefer breakfast.
Taeyeon laughed. My poor pride.
What pride You have company?
Company?
She turned, following Hyejins gaze over her shoulder. Tiffany had come out of her
bedroom, eyes bleary with sleep. She blinked at the two of them in the entrance;
Taeyeon waved half-heartedly. In a drowsy daze, Tiffany shuffled over to meet
them.
Not company, thatthats Tiffany, you know Tiffany.
It was at this point, when Hyejin and Tiffany looked at each other with equal
measurements of confusion, that Taeyeon began to feel awkwardshe wasnt
entirely sure why, though. It was the first time they had met, but she had no idea
why that should matter. Certainly there were more than a few girls Taeyeon had
slept with that had never met Tiffanymost, she would surmise. Or hope. It was
possibly, she reasoned, the weird feeling of standing between the person you loved
most in the world and someone you very much wanted to take to bed at that very
momentor it was that they were both looking at her with the same emotional
concoction of uncertainty and the barest hint of betrayal, as though she should
understand. She introduced them, uncomfortably, feeling strangely admonished by
both.
Ive heard a lot about you, Tiffany said, polite. She seemed suddenly selfconscious, adjusting her pajamas in a gesture so singularly endearing Taeyeon had
to bite her lip.
Good things, I hope, Hyejin said vaguely, and seemed to not know how to react.
So youdid you sleep over, or
Taeyeon looked at her, surprised. Whno. This is Tiffanys apartment. Our.
Wereroommates.
Oh.
A heavy silence fell over them. Tiffany ran an anxious hand through her hair and
excused herself to use the bathroom. Taeyeon fidgeted from foot to foot.
You didnt mention you were moving in with her.
She looked up quickly. Didnt I? I thought I did.
I can review my text messages
All right, let me talk to a lawyer before you start presenting evidence, Taeyeon

muttered. Sorry, I thought I did.

You didnt.
Okay, sorry? The hair on her arms stood up. She couldnt help but feel defensive.
I cant live with my best friend?
Of course you can, I just dont understand why you didnt mention it.
Well, Taeyeon said, frowning. Youre not my girlfriend, are you. You said it
yourself. I dont need to tell you anything.
As soon as shed said it, an apology leapt to her lips, but Hyejin didnt look upset.
She smiled in understanding, concession. This didnt make Taeyeon feel any less
admonishedin fact, it was worse. It was exasperating to want to lash out and be
only met with a condescending sort of sympathy. The whole thing left her with a
bitterness that was hard to erase, and her initial elation at seeing Hyejin again was
giving away to frustration, defeat.
Thats true, Hyejin said simply.
Im sorry, I mean
I know what you mean. I didnt think it would upset you this much. Does it feel like I
rejected you?
Now she wished she had never opened the door. She looked down, adjusted her
gaze somewhere near Hyejins collarbone, anything to avoid looking her in the
eyes.
A little bit.
Hyejin laughed. Dont feel that way. She took Taeyeons hand. Id love to date
you, Taeyeon. Its just that you dont want to date me.
Taeyeon stiffened. I asked you, didnt I?
You did, but its not what you want. I know its not what you want.
That almost made her laugh. Imagine someone who had known her for less than a
year knowing what she wanted when she herself had no idea. She nodded, slowly.
So thats it? Thatsthe last word? Were just, what, friends with benefits?
We could be friends without the benefits, Hyejin joked.
No thank you, Taeyeon said delicately. She knew, objectively, that Hyejin was
right, that she didnt want a relationship, but knowing what she didnt want didnt
make it any easier to figure out what she did want. She sighed. When she finally
raised her head again to meet Hyejins eyes, she could only hope that she didnt
look as vulnerable as she felt.

She tried to smile, ease the tension, but it was difficult. It was difficult to want
someone this badly and not know why, and difficult to feel this open and exposed,
and difficult, maybe, to pick apart the millions strings of different types of love that
coursed through her like wind.
Hyejin looked at her for a long time before kissing her. Taeyeon, she sighed. I
wish I knew what you were thinking.
Taeyeon let her eyes fall to the floor. Her eyelashes felt wet. I wish I knew, too.

Of the in-house composers at the label, he was not necessarily her favorite, but he
was easy to work with and readily available; when she had asked him to meet with
her at the studio, he had been willing to do it the next day, and he had even brought
coffee.
Hows the album coming along? he asked, sitting and stretching his legs out on
the coffee table in front of them.
Not bad. Because they were doing so much of the work themselves, Taeyeon
found she had become strangely reticent about discussing their progress. They
were feeling their way as they went along and it felt stressful to have the eyes of
executives and artists who knew better. No matter what happened, Taeyeon
thought, this would be their project and no one elses.
I heard youre still tracking.
Mostly, and song selection, she explained. I think we want to write most of the
material on our own but were collecting a lot of demos in case we need backup, or
cant come up with a title song.
We? he repeated. Oh, I was talking about your album, but its good to hear the
group album is going well.
Oh. Taeyeons ears felt warm. That. Ive kind of shelved that indefinitely, Im
really just focusing on the group album for now.
Well, theres no reason you cant work on both.
I guess, she said uncomfortably. But Im not very motivated. I had a few months
and I only managed to finish one song.
But its a great song, one of the best Ive heard all year. I mean, I heard it before it
was mastered, but His smile was so friendly, so effortless. Inwardly, Taeyeon
tensed. She sat up straighter.
Thank you, she said hurriedly. Thats the song, actually, that I wanted to talk to
you about. Since Im not going to use it for my album, I wanted you to help me work
on a new arrangement for it so I can give it to the group.

He paused, blinking at her over his coffee cup. You want to put that song on the
group album?
Yeah.
But why? Its a great song. If you released it, it would top the charts for sure. It
wont work for the group, it couldnt possibly be promoted as a group
I know, I think it would make good filler, though.
Filler? Taeyeon, come on. His tone was scolding. What are you even thinking?
Dont you think about the future at all?
Of course I do, she said. He sighed impatiently. Taeyeon felt again
admonished, for what must have been the millionth time that day.
Look. Its your decision, of course. But that song could catapult your solo career.
Why waste it on a group album when you could be kickstarting the next phase of
your career? If you ask me, thats what you need to focus on at this point.
Taeyeon looked at him carefully. He was nothing but a songwriter employed by the
company. He wasnt a high-ranking executive. She wondered if there was any way
he could know about the labels plans to dissolve the group after this albumher
instinct told her no, that it was a decision made and kept among the highest
echelon of board members.
That was it, though. He was just a random songwriter with no real stake in her
career, or the groups career, and yet even he felt that there was a next phase to
move onto.
She exhaled briefly. I get what youre saying, she said, straining to be polite, but
my solo album isnt something I can focus on right now.
Its entirely your decision, of course, he explained carefully. His tone had become
softer, gentler, as though he sensed her defensiveness. Its your life, Taeyeon. Its
your career. I justits something to think about, you know? The other girls are,
arent they?
Taeyeon laced her fingers together, set them tensely in her lap. Are they?
Arent they? Juhyunnie released hers already, I heard Jessicas working on one, I
know Yuri started production a couple months ago before she became too busy,
and Tiffany, too
Still, Taeyeon interrupted. We want to release this group album next year, so
stillthats what were focusing on.
He seemed like he could tell he had hit a nerve. Okay, he said softly, smiling. Ill
help you with the arrangement, if thats what you want. Justremember what I
said.

Yeah, said Taeyeon.

She thought it would be near impossible to forget.

Do you think its going to snow?

The air stood still. Taeyeon breathed on the window, then watched her breath
vanish on the glass.
Weather report said maybe. It feels cold enough to.
I think all of December will be cold. What are you doing for Christmas?
She turned and was startled by how close Tiffany was standing to her. The cold
crept in from the window and they had huddled together unconsciously. Taeyeon
took a small step back, trying to put a little space between them.
Nothing.
Are you going home?
I cant. I have a regular radio schedule, so it would be too much trouble to make
the trip home. What about you, are you going to visit your dad?
Tiffany pursed her lips together. No, I dont think so.
Why? You dont have any regular schedule, you could go.
Tiffany looked at her, at the space between them. Do you want hot cocoa?
When she turned around to head into the kitchen, Taeyeon shivered. It was cold.
Okay, she said, following her once she had picked up a blanket from the couch.
She leaned against the doorframe and watched Tiffany put the water on to boil.
She bit back a joke about Tiffanys ability to heat water being the extent of her
culinary capability mostly because her best friend seemed so suddenly
preoccupied.
Is there something wrong? she pressed. You dont want to go home for the
holiday?
I told you, Tiffany said distractedly, looking for mugs. This is home.
Okay, but still, your dad
Since youll be in Seoul, Ill be in Seoul. The decisiveness in her tone gave
Taeyeon pause. She distracted herself by wrapping the blanket around her
shivering shoulders. Was it really that simple for her?

You dont have to, she said at last, and when she looked up she found Tiffany in
her space again, adjusting the blanket around her shoulders.
She met her eyes. I know. I want to.
Taeyeon smiled. Okay. You and me for Christmas.
Like old times.
Yeah.
Unless Tiffany fiddled with the edges of her blanket. When she looked down her
eyelashes seemed so long, it was hard not to study them. Unless you have, you
know, plans. Here. Dont cancel them on my account.
Taeyeon shrugged. I dont have plans.
Not with Hyejin?
Taeyeon took a small step backwards. I dont think we wouldIm sure she has
other plans.
But are you two Tiffany trailed off, pressed her lips together tightly; Taeyeon
recognized it as the face she made when she couldnt bring herself to say
something.
She laughed lightly. Was that what all this was leading to? What was the point of
beating around the bush like that? Why dont you just ask? Were not dating.
Youre not?
No. I dont know how many times I need to say it. She couldnt read Tiffanys
expression, so she continued. And before you lecture meI was open to it. I
asked her. She said no.
She said no?
Yes. Taeyeon swallowed, smiled bitterly. Why are you so surprisedIve been
rejected before. She looked at Tiffany meaningfully, but Tiffany had gone back to
the stove and was studying the water in the pot, bubbles dotting the surface lazily.
So you two are just
Friends. Like I said, friends.
Friends whoI mean, she spent the night?
Huh? No. No, I invited her for breakfast.
Oh.
You thought she spent the night?

Well, I assumed, I mean She waved her hands around erratically, unable to
explain, and then turned to finish making the hot cocoa. Taeyeon watched her and
tried to figure out what conversation Tiffany wanted to have, and which one they
were having. She waited. Tiffany wasnt like her. Tiffany couldnt keep things inside
for very long.
I think we should like, have rules. And stuff, she said finally. She shook her hair
out of her eyes and carried both mugs of cocoa past Taeyeon and into the living
room. Like about dating and, um, like, people staying over. And stuff. She set the
mugs on the table and sat down on the couch.
Taeyeon joined her. Well, what were yours and Jessicas rules?
We didnt have any.
Then, why do we need She flailed helplessly, attempting to extricate one arm
from the blanket cocoon she had wrapped herself in.
Well, to be fair, Jessicas been with the same person for like, a million years, and
you havent been with the same person for more than like, a week, sooh my god,
you big baby, she sighed impatiently, yanking Taeyeons arm out from the tangled
blanket and shoving the mug of hot cocoa into her now free hand, what would you
do without me?
I have no idea. What kind of rules? Dont bring anyone home?
Well, or, you know, ask firstokay, maybe not ask, just give a heads up, or
Taeyeon shifted uncomfortably. She could think of about ten million other topics
she would rather discuss with Tiffany. Thats okay, I dont bring anyone home if I
can avoid it anywayuh what about you?
What about me? Im not seeing anyone.
Youre the one who was all TaeTae, Im open to a relationship and all
Yeah, but Im not in one. Im focusing on work right now.
What about that guy back in L.A.?
What guy back in L.A.?
Taeyeon frowned deeply. You said there was some guy back in Califor
Oh, that. WeI meanwe live in different countries, so its not really
But was it serious? she pressed, holding her mug so tightly it began to shake in
her hand.
Tiffany shrugged. Not really?

Are you still in touch?

Whats with the interrogation? Yeah, we talk sometimes.
Taeyeon set her cup down before she dropped it. She put her arms back into the
blanket and brought her knees up to her chest. The idea of Tiffany dating had,
frankly, not occurred to her. All she had thought about when moving in had been
the difficulty of Tiffanys constant proximityshe hadnt even considered the
emotional stress of dealing with Tiffany dating someone while they lived together. It
had been bad enough years ago, when they dormed together, but at least then
there was a strict rule of no boys allowed in the dorm, so it had never become a
physical problem.
This was entirely different. Maybe it would be a good thing. Maybe if she saw
Tiffany with someone, it would help. Alternately, it could kill her. She hoped for the
former. She tightened an arm around her knees.
Lets just try not to bring anyone home. At all. She hadnt meant for her voice to
sound so weak, but it did.
Tiffany nodded. Thats fine with me.
That was that. She turned on the TV while Tiffany took the cups into the kitchen to
wash. She could feel a weight lifting but couldnt place why. When Tiffany came
back and nudged in close to her, she wrapped the blanket around them both and
turned off the lamp. The light from the TV made a slideshow on the glass coffee
table.
Tiffany held Taeyeon tight around the waist. Taeyeon wanted to turn the TV off and
go work on some music, but Tiffanys breathing was even, relaxed.
She rested her head on Taeyeons shoulder. Yoona was right.
She usually is, Taeyeon replied sleepily, eyes glazed as she watched TV. About
what?
Hyejin. Shes really pretty.
Taeyeon was not sure how to reply, so she murmured an agreement.
Like, really pretty.
Yes.
And I think you really like her.
She felt Tiffany shift, slide closer to her.
Yeah, she admitted. I do.
And I think she really cares about you.

I think you really think too much, she said with a hint of reproach, and drew an
arm around Tiffanys shoulders, hoping to quiet her. For her part, Tiffany seemed to
get the hint.
She thought she must have drifted off to sleep, because the next time she looked at
the clock, an hour had passed and there was mindless late night television on the
screen. She looked down, expecting Tiffany to be asleep, but she was watching the
TV attentively, her head against Taeyeons shoulder. Taeyeon stirred, trying to
stretch.
Should go to bed, she mumbled, but her head was too filled with sleep to be sure
she had said it at all.
Tiffanys voice was close; Taeyeon could feel her breath against her neck.
Taeyeon.
Hmm.
You talk in your sleep.
Thats really not new information. Sorry. What did I say?
Tiffany didnt reply. Taeyeon thought it might be very bad for her back, but if Tiffany
wasnt going to get up, she would fall asleep here. She tried to get comfortable, at
least, sliding down onto her back and bringing Tiffany with her.
Taeyeon.
Hmm.
You asked me a question.
Did I?
You asked me if I think about the future.
She opened her eyes. Tiffany was looking at her. Taeyeons mind was drowsy; in
the half-light of the moon-bathed room, the television flickering like lights along her
features, Tiffany was beautiful, but she was more than that. She was thoughtful.
She was sad.
Taeyeon wet her lips. Do you?
I dont think I do, Tiffany admitted. Any more. Does that make sense?
Maybe. Her mind was clouding.
I used to, all the time. When we debuted, I thought about the future a lot. You
know? Like, I could vividly imagine where wed be in ten years. But. She paused.
Her voice was a low whisper, hardly audible over the low hum of the TV.

But what.
I dont know. The futures the present now, I guess. I mean next year will be nine
years since we debuted. And now I cant think any further thanyou know, next
week, next month. Maybe next year. Thats as far as I get. I dont know what
happens next. Does that make sense?
Taeyeon swallowed. She wondered if Tiffany could feel how fast her heart was
beating. She wondered if that was her heart at all, if it wasnt Tiffanys instead. She
tightened her arm around Tiffanys shoulders.
It makes sense. Its the same for me.
Is it?
Yeah.
I just thinkit used to be really easy to imagine what was going to happen next.
And now, likewhats next? Whats the next phase? I try not to think about it,
because I dont know.
Taeyeon closed her eyes. The next phase. He was right, she guessed. It was
something they had to think about.
She had believed, once, with her whole heart, that this was something she could do
for the rest of her life. It had been so clear, then. She had expected age and time to
bring only more clarity, but instead it had become muddled. She wasnt sure if she
still believed that. She really didnt know what she believed.
Tiffanys breathing was even. Taeyeon stretched her hand out toward the coffee
table, trying not to disturb her, her fingers groping blindly for the remote control to
turn the TV off. The room swallowed itself in darkness. She held her breath,
wrapped the blanket around them securely, tried to get comfortable, safe. There
was only Tiffanys breathing, the ticking of the clock, the rustle of their clothes as
Tiffany tightened her arms around Taeyeons waist, pressed her nose to the collar
of Taeyeons shirt, her cheek against Taeyeons shoulder.
Taeyeon. Her voice was thick with sleep.
Hmm.
I dont know what Id do without you.
She laughed; it was soft but it echoed in the quiet room. Go to sleep.
I mean it, she murmured, her words slurred. When I try to think about the
future I just see you.
Taeyeon was silent. Tiffany yawned, mumbled.
Like we promised, right?

Taeyeon closed her eyes. She shivered; the cold had slipped in through the
blanket.
Right.

chapter thirteen
There was very little Taeyeon disliked more than third-rate equipment, and she
found that this was more true with the greater control she had over what she used.
A lack of caffeine and a few weeks of relentless doubt and unease seemingly
exacerbated this fact. The headphones scraped across the table as she picked
them up and put them on again, re-listening to the sample she had just recorded.
I dont like it, she said to Juhyun for the tenth time that morning. Theres
something about the bass, like the low-end frequencies are cut, but if I keep
boosting them, then
Unni, I think it sounds fine now, Juhyun said.
Not with the headphones on, theres no tone. Im going to record it again, but I
think its this synthesizer, I think this synthesizer was created by the devil.
Maybe its just those headphones, Yuri suggested from the couch in the corner,
where she had flopped down in exhaustion the minute Taeyeon had started
complaining.
Maybe, but if it sounds flat on all headphones, then what? Working on bass was
really the last thing she needed to be doing with this headache. She rubbed her
forehead, opening up a new playlist on her laptop. Okay, lets put this one aside for
now.
Juhyun glanced up as the door opened and Taeyeon turned, nodding to Jessica
and Sooyoung as they came in.
Hey, did you bring coffee? she demanded.
Sooyoung rolled her eyes. Yes, I got all thirty-seven of your texts.
I needed coffee, she explained weakly, taking the cup Sooyoung handed her.
I know, the seven-hundred and forty combined exclamation points made that pretty
clear.
Wow, youre so good at math.
Unnis a little grouchy, Juhyun explained sadly, and as though Taeyeon could not
hear.
She felt Jessica put her hands on her shoulders and massage the back of her neck.
Whats the matter, old lady.
Well, its Taengoo, Sooyoung pointed out, also as if Taeyeon was deaf, so its
either faulty equipment or Tiffany.
Or she hasnt gotten laid.

Maybe its all three, Yuri chipped in. Taeyeon, is it all three?
Taeyeon glowered. I dont like any of you.
It must be all three then.
Jessica stroked her hair. Where is Tiffany by the way?
Shes filming something, shell be here later, Taeyeon mumbled around the rim of
her coffee. She fiddled uncomfortably with the headphones in her lap. Shes been
a little weird lately.
How so? Sooyoung asked.
I dont know. Shes been avoiding me for the past few weeks? I mean, we see
each other everyday, but she doesnt seem to want to talk.
What a weird thing to complain about considering you never want to talk.
Sometimes I want to talk, Taeyeon said defensively. Anyway, its not that, its
justher behavior is so hot and cold. One minute were really close, and then shes
pushing me away. She took a breath. A few years ago there was no way she
wouldve shared her feelings with them like this. It was difficult, though, feeling like
you didnt understand your best friend in the world. The other members, at least,
knew Tiffany as well as she did, so it couldnt hurt to talk to them about it.
Sooyoung paused for a long, thoughtful moment. I actually think Fany has been
really weird ever since she came back from L.A.
Taeyeon practically sighed in relief. She has been, right? Shes been weird.
I dont think its fair to talk about unni when shes not here, Juhyun said somewhat
disapprovingly.
Get real, Juhyun, when are we going to talk about her, thenwhen she is here?
Sooyoung said. Shes been a littledifferent. Im worried about her.
Well. Jessicas hands stilled against the back of Taeyeons neck before settling
comfortably on her shoulders. I think the news about the group probably shook her
up a lot.
I think it shook us all up? Sooyoung pointed out.
Yeah, but FanyI mean, her whole life is in this group.
Taeyeon bit her tongue.
Where do you think my whole life is? Sooyoung shot back.
Oh my god, youre just picking fights all day, Yuri complained, getting up to
strangle her.

Its not a competition, Taeyeon murmured in reprimand. I think we know that

we all love this group.
I think, Jessica began delicately, that since Tiffany came back, shes been a little
clingy. And I thought about it, and its really the longest shes been away from any
of us. I tried to put myself in her place, and figure out how Id be if I spent three
months away from you guys.
Youre always clingy, Yuri pointed out.
I am, because youre so cute.
I didnt think shed come back, Taeyeon said suddenly, staring off into space.
They stopped and looked at her. The longer she stayed there, the less likely I
thought it was shed come back. After a month I thought, thats it, shes not coming
back.
Maybe she thought she wouldnt, either, Juhyun said. Taeyeon was caught offguard.
Maybe.
She thought about it. It was baffling. It wasnt just that she was utterly, wholly,
earth-shatteringly in love with Tiffany, but Tiffany had also been her best friend for
ten years. She sometimes liked to pretend she knew Tiffany better than anyone
elsewasnt that the privilege of the best friend title, after all. Yet, really, she found
Tiffanys mind nearly impenetrable most of the time. So much of her was on the
surface that anything underneath became impossible to fathom.
When she thought about it, really, she thought that maybe once upon a time a
teenaged girl had left her family behind to move to a different country, all on her
own, and that it was a risk, and would always be a risk. The rest of them had a
safety net. Even she, Taeyeon, could go home to Jeonju if the end came. Tiffanys
life was here, or it wasnt. The group was her safety net; she had built her entire life
here.
Taeyeon closed her eyes. Jessica scratched gently at the base of her scalp.
No wonder Tiffany was so determined to hold onto her. How could she deny her?
What sort of best friend would she be if she didnt protect her from that? She forgot,
sometimes, because Tiffany was stupidly strong and independent and smartand
maybe she was a little biasedthat Tiffany could need protection too.
She sighed. The girls were looking at her.
Well have to figure out what to do.
She studied them. She still had no idea where they stood, and she was terrified to
ask. She knew where Tiffany stoodTiffany wanted the group to stay together, at
all costs. Tiffany had been the only one of them to come to her and explicitly say
so. Taeyeon wasnt sure what to make of the apparent silence of the rest of the

members. Did some of them think the dissolution of the group was somehow for the
best? Or were they like her, only silent because it was too difficult to wrap her mind
around, too complicated in scope to really know what she wanted?
Because the truth was, there was a part of her that needed to be with them so
badly she didnt know what she would do otherwisethat was the loudest part. But
behind that, small and soft with whispering hesitance, was a feeling she could only
label relief. Maybe it would be painful, but maybe letting go would mean freedom
from the stress and the constant headache and the burden of loving people too
much. Maybe that would be the best thing.
She frowned and cleared her throat, effectively ending the conversation. She put
the headphones back on and replayed the basslinedespite her earlier assertion,
she knew she wouldnt put it aside until she got it correct, got it perfect.

Sorry for making you come to Apgujeong on Christmas, Jooyoung laughed as he

held the door open for her. Itll be quick, I hope the traffic isnt too bad.
Its no problem, she assured him, I can actually walk to my new apartment from
here.
Oh, thats right, you moved in with Fany, he said. Hows that working out?
Its working.
All right, I wont pry. Im just glad youre living in an apartment with better security
now, I was so worried for you in your old place. Are those kids still following you
around?
Yeah, of course. They dont take a day off for Christmas. She smiled wryly.
Whats up?
Straight to business, right? Okay, well, Im just the messenger, Taeyeon,
remember that. They thought it would make more sense coming from a manager
you know and trust than someone in the legal department who youve never met,
right?
Taeyeons stomach dropped. Wwhat?
She must have looked stunned because Jooyoung touched her shoulder gently,
eyes widening.
Whoa, take it easy, Taeyeon. Im sorry. I shouldnt have made it sound so
dramatic. Come on, lets sit down.
Taeyeons mind raced as she took a seat. Being caught off-guard was up there on
the same list as third-rate equipmentthere wasnt much she hated more. Once
again she had to wonder who was aware of their current situation. She often
thought of their managers as trusted older brothers, some even close to father

figures, and much on the same emotional plane as she and the girls. The idea of
any of them knowing, but keeping it from her, from them, made her sick. It was
business, sure, and they weren't saints; they had families to feed and take care of
and this was a job, plain and simple, to make money. Still, she didn't like to think
about it.
Jooyoung had fetched a bottle of water for her from his mini-fridge. He handed it
over wordlessly, looking contrite as he sat beside her on the couch. Taeyeon took a
halfhearted sip but capped the bottle almost immediately; anything in her stomach
at this very moment would make her sick.
Sorry, that was dumb, Jooyoung said at last, soft. He smiled. I shouldve figured
out a better way to say it. Dont worry. Take it easy.
Oppa
Its not anything big, Taeyeon, its just about that song you wrote.
She rolled the water bottle anxiously between her palms. All right?
Well, a lot of peoplewhen I say people, I mean board membersthink you
should keep that song for yourself. For your solo album.
Board members? It was just a stupid pop song, she thought, her heart constricting.
Oppa, I dont want to release a solo album anytime soon.
Taeyeon, I know you dont. Butyou know, that if they wanted you, too, youd be
contractually obligated to. Im not saying anyone would make you do that, but you
know that, right?
Of course I know that.
So, while they could make you save that song for your solo album and then in turn
they could make you release one, theyre saying the choice is up to you. If you
want to put it on the group album, you can.
Then, if the choice is up to me, I dont really understand the point of this
conversation. No offense.
None taken, he laughed. Another smile. Open, friendly. Again, Im just the
messenger, Taeyeon. Their point is that the terms of your contract right now state
that the song is intellectual property of the label, and not you. So technically, they
could do whatever they wanted with that song, even though youre the one who
composed and wrote it. They could give it to another group, if they wanted, or they
could sell it. You know that, right?
Of course. This wasnt new information. She was more than well aware that all of
the songs shed written over the past few years were owned 100% by the label. It
hadnt bothered her too much in the past, really, because they had made her jump
through so many hoops just to get her material produced that every song felt like a
victory. She had written them under the tacit agreement that although the label did
officially own them, they would never have any reason to do anything with the

songs without her permission. She knew logically that this sort of agreement was
far from legally binding, but she had never had to worry about it in the past.
Let me make sure I understand what youre talking about here. She kept her eyes
on her lap and hoped her voice didnt shake. The thoughts made sense in her
head, but it was nerve-wracking to talk about something this serious, even with
someone she trusted and liked. This is just, what, a simple reminder that they own
everything Ive ever had creative input in and theyre not going to make me do
anythingtheyre just reminding me that they could, if they wanted to?
Uh, Jooyoung began but Taeyeon cut him off.
Thats a little manipulative, dont you think?
I told them you were too sharp, Jooyoung said, grinning. I said you dont know
Taeyeon like I know Taeyeon, you dont have a wool thick enough to pull over her
eyes.
Thank you, I guess.
But thats not really everything. Its not really just a reminder, its an offer.
Anoffer?
Yes. They want to offer a contract revision that would give you ownership of the
songs youve written. Obviously something would be worked out with royalties, but
the terms would stipulate full ownership of your own songs.
Taeyeon frowned. And?
And? What do you mean?
Oppa, you know I have a low tolerance for duplicity.
Youre in the wrong business, Taeyeon.
So Ive been told. Theyre telling me theyre not going to make me do
anything and theyre just innocently offering a contract revision that gives me
even more power? And the rest of the girls?
What about the rest of the girls?
Im not the only one whos written songs over the years. Are they being offered the
same contract revision?
I have no idea. They only asked me to talk to you.
Taeyeon closed her eyes, briefly. That meant no; she knew it. She had
anticipated this, somewhatlegal games. She hadnt known it would start this
early, though. She wasnt sure what to say.
Taeyeon. She opened her eyes. Jooyoung was looking at her gently. He bit his

lip, worrying it for a moment or two as though he was trying to decide whether to
say something. Im telling you everything I know. Oppas just the messenger,
okay? Youll get the contract revision in the mail, I assume, and the smartest thing
to do would be to have a lawyer look at it, right? But can I offer my opinion?
Of course.
I think, he bit his lip again and then released it along with a beleaguered exhale,
they probably think of you as a very safe investment. I think theyre probably willing
to grant a lot of concessions in exchange for your loyalty.
But what about everyone else?
I dont know, he said honestly, and then: But remember, youre an individual,
Taeyeon. Youre allowed to think of yourself.
Right. She felt dizzy. The inside of her head buzzed.
Well. Jooyoung checked his watch. Im going to go home. You should do the
same. Okay? They stood. He put an awkward arm around her shoulders. Merry
Christmas, Taengoo.
Thanks, oppa.

It seemed later than it really was when she emerged from the building; clouds had
covered the sky and were threatening rain, maybe snow. It felt cold enough for the
latter, Taeyeon thought, tightening her coat. She pulled her hat down, too. The
streets were crowded. The people usually chained to desks at midday found the
cold and open air bright and clear, even with the threatening clouds overhead.
She knew they were following her. They werent directly behind her, or anything,
not on her heels like sometimes. But she could feel eyes on the back of her neck,
the practiced precision of low-profile watching. She could feel, rather than hear, the
click of cell phone cameras. Their hushed mumbling did not reach her ears but it
buzzed around her like a swarm of insects, as indistinct as it was damning.
They stopped when she stopped, followed her into the coffee shop, stood behind
her on line as she ordered. Some of them ordered, too. She checked her phone.
Tiffany had left church. She texted On my way home and then pocketed her
phone, turning.
You should be wearing a scarf, she said critically. Its cold out.
I will, next time, unni.
She felt oddly safe, surrounded by people brushing past them for their coffee
orders, jostling them slightly with bags or elbows. It was a weird sort of security that
made her brave; on most days, she hated them, they were nuisances. Today, she
felt sorry for them.

She stepped toward the warmth of the counter, tapping her fingers on its edge. Its
a holiday. You kids should be with your families.
Its okay, one of them said, since its a day like any other.
Its not, Taeyeon disagreed. Even if you dont celebrate it, isnt it a day off? If I
didnt have to work, Id be with my family.
But youll be with Tiffany unni, the same girl pointed out. Isnt that almost the
same?
That, Taeyeon began, and then could think of no way to finish. She fell into a
frustrated silence, not sure if she was more angry that they knew who she was
spending her Christmas with, or that they felt entitled to anticipate her feelings
toward it. Now it felt like they were closing in. She shouldnt have spoken to them,
or validated them, or acknowledged them. She should have told the barista she
was a Girls Generation member; maybe they would hurry up her order.
Lookyou She frowned deeply, bitterly. Do you know youre following around
a dead-end?
They shook their heads. They protested.
You are. In five years, I wont even be relevant anymore. Maybe even a year from
now. Do you ever think about that? One day Ill be all washed-up, and youll have
wasted your time. What will you even have to show for it?
She wasnt sure why she was talking to them. They were crazy. Anyone who would
talk to them, willingly talk to them, was crazy too.
I think unni will always be relevant.
No, I wont, she shot back, soft, dangerous. In ten years, Ill be worthless. No one
will even remember my name.
Except me, the girl returned, and they all agreed. Except us. Well remember.
And in ten years, well remember the time you spoke to us in a coffee shop.
Her coffee order was rattled off, then, and the cup dropped by her fingers on the
counter. She picked it up and looked down at the floor, willing her feet to move off
and disengage.
Then youll be worthless, too, she told them on her way out.

She had spent countless Christmases with Tiffany, to the point where it was difficult
for her to remember how she had celebrated it before. Tiffany was excitable about
Christmas, the way she was excitable about most things. There were a lot of weird
western customs Taeyeon didnt completely understand but felt must have been

important, because Tiffany was so adamant about them. A lot of this had to do with
western food that never really did very well in Taeyeons stomach, so they had
made a lot of compromises over the years.
One was that in exchange for allowing Taeyeon to eat Korean food, Tiffany was
allowed to decorate her stupid Christmas tree as stupidly as she wanted, which
was exactly what she was doing when Taeyeon came home.
Merry Christmas, Tiffany said, not looking up from the tree she was diligently
draping in ribbon.
Its going to rain, Taeyeon replied.
Merry Christmas, I guess, Tiffany said again, wryly, and Taeyeon laughed.
The japchae she had made wasnt nearly as good as her mothers, but she thought
it was okay, and even Tiffany, who was quiet during most of dinner, gave it a
thumbs up. Taeyeon thought about calling her mother, briefly, and then tried to
think of the last time shed seen her, and when shed see her again. She wondered,
too, if she would have even gone back to Jeonju if her schedule had permitted it.
Maybe not. Maybe it would be too hard to come back.
She had heard Tiffany, earlier, on the phone with her father, and her tone had been
too low for Taeyeon to decipher any words, even if she had wanted to. Still, it had
made her pause in her dishwashing, shut the water off for a moment so she could
hear the dull, comfortable hum. The way Tiffany called home had always been
different from the way she, Taeyeon, called home. She had felt that way since she
was a teenager. Their closeness, she thought, had come from their shared
experience of being so far away from home and having no one else to rely on, but
they had never approached it in the same way. When she called home, Taeyeon
always thought she sounded desperate, longinga tepid attempt at sounding
reserved, maybe, in an effort to not upset her mother, but stillher voice would
shake and words would hang in the air.
Tiffany always sounded resolute when she called home, like she had practiced the
words in her head beforehand, and she rattled them off like a monologue. Tiffany
had a way of forcing cheerfulness so convincingly that maybe even she didnt
realize it was forced. They both faked it, Taeyeon thought, but she faked it to
convince her mother she was okay, and Tiffany faked it to convince herself she was
okay.
She glanced at Tiffany, next to her on the couch. They were watching a Christmas
movie. It was difficult to follow the plot, partly because it was dubbed in Korean and
the mismatch of lips and words always distracted her, mostly because she was
sitting next to Tiffany and the air felt thick and heavy with unease.
Fany.
Tiffany had been watching the movie with a serious frown as though it were a legal
proceeding, but she flicked her eyes briefly toward Taeyeon before glancing back
at the TV.

Whats up.
She looked at her carefully. She pulled the sleeves of her sweater down over her
hands and wrapped her arms around herself.
Are we okay?
Tiffany turned to her and smiled. Her eyes disappeared. That was a cool trick,
Taeyeon thought; it hid how sad her eyes looked sometimes.
Why wouldnt we be?
You tell me.
Tiffany spent a long time looking at her. She smiled again, briefly.
Well always be okay, you and me.
Her hand found Taeyeons, pulled it out of her lap, and she hooked their pinkies
together. Tiffany turned back to the movie, and their hands fell between them,
linked. Taeyeon looked at the space between them, her smallest finger curled
under Tiffanys. Her grip slackened; Tiffanys tightened. The skin turned white from
pressure. The rain picked up, beat against the windows so loudly it drowned out the
TV.
Taeyeon wet her lips. Tiffany reached for the remote to turn the volume up.
Im scared, Taeyeon told her.
Tiffany didnt reply; her gaze remained focused on the TV, but Taeyeon watched
her draw her lower lip between her teeth, lower her eyes. Her thumb hesitated
above the volume button. For some reason, Taeyeon held her breath, as though
this was the first time she was seeing Tiffany since she came back to Seoul. She
had looked at her a million times, by now, at least. Had to be. She had never
noticed how much her hair had grown out, though, how it fell heavy and brooding
over her forehead, swept behind her ear. There was a new helix piercing in her
right ear. Her shoulders looked narrower, tenser. They were little things, but she
wasnt sure how she could not have noticed. She spent so much time looking at
Tiffany, running her image over in her mind, memorizing every inch of her.
Maybe that was it. She had memorized Tiffany so expertly she didnt need to look
at her to see her. How old was the image of Tiffany in her minds eye?
The volume lowered. Tiffany set the remote aside and turned, smiling at Taeyeon.
Scared of what? she asked lightly. Of the rain? Her tone was teasing but her
smile was painted on.
No, Taeyeon said simply. She felt Tiffanys hand slip away from hers and she
grabbed it tightly, pinning it to the couch. Of letting you down.
Me?

Ofall of you, she said. She averted her eyes.

If she had been expecting Tiffany to subdue her worries, she would have been left
disappointed, but as it was, she wasnt sure what she had expected. She didnt
want false reassurances or wide-eyed confidence in her abilities. She just wanted
her to know.
Tiffany nodded, looking at her lap. Arent there nine people in this group? she
asked.
Yes. She pressed Tiffanys hand to the couch cushion, curled her fingers around
it. Buteverybodys looking at me. Everybodyeverybody wants something from
me. You guys can say were in this together, but you keep looking at me. She
pressed her palm tight against the top of Tiffanys hand, locked their fingers
together. You want me to be a hero. I cant be that.
Tiffanys eyebrows drew together in a frown. She shook her head. No. No, I just
want you to be Taeyeon.
And whos that, Taeyeon asked flatly.
My best friend, Tiffany shot back. A little stupid and a little selfish and stubbornly
obsessed with doing the right thing. No one is asking you to save the group,
Taeyeon, were just asking you to care.
I care, Taeyeon said. You have no idea how much I care.
Tiffany shrugged. Then, she said, you wont let us down.
With an exhale, Taeyeon released Tiffanys hand. It didnt make her feel any better;
in fact, Tiffanys faith in her only left her more scared.
Like most Christmases, they spent it together, quiet and reflective, and Taeyeon fell
asleep early, curled on the couch. When she awoke later, the room was dark
except for the tree lights. Tiffany had covered her with a blanket. Like most
Christmases, she woke up alone and felt like she had missed something.

chapter fourteen
(2008)
In the dark, Taeyeon invents.
Theres a small sliver of light stealing out from underneath the curtains and
Taeyeon follows it. Theres a streetlamp right outside the window and its searingly
bright; whenever Taeyeon stays over, it creates spots behind her eyes, even when
the curtains are drawn. She sits near it now, beneath the window, and slides the
curtain aside to look out.
Its three in the morning. The streets are still wet. She thinks about leaving,
because the rain has stopped, but the first thought she conjures up of the dorm
makes her insides tense, cold. She looks for her clothes anyway.
In the bed, Unni stirs.
Taeyeon is looking for her clothes. Its too dark to see properly.
Are you leaving, Unni mumbles from the bed and Taeyeon pauses. Maybe not.
Maybe not, she says.
Come stay. Do you have any schedules in the morning?
No.
Me either. Come back to bed.
She doesnt need to be convinced; she only needs to be asked. Her eyes adjust to
the dark. She presses against Unnis back, puts her lips to the spot between her
shoulder blades. Every time she sees her, she falls more in love. Or, it could be
loveshe thinks it could be love, although its different, so maybe it isnt. Maybe its
that her unni is an idol, too, and understands the fear and the burden, or maybe its
just the flimsy euphoria of dating someone smart and pretty, but she feels sick in
love, sometimes so passionately that she cant help herself. It always feels like
love, usually, until she goes back to the dorm and thinks otherwise, puts the two
feelings together side-by-side and realizes one cannot compare to the other.
It feels a little dishonest, sometimes, to make love to one person and think about
another. It isnt that shes pretending Unni is someone else, or thinking about her
purposely, or anything, really, its just that she is hard to remove from Taeyeons
mind. She tends to linger there, behind her eyes, like the spots from the bright
lights. Sometimes the name comes to her lips, Tiffany, but she doesnt ever say it
aloud, only silently, and the wet mouth open beneath hers swallows it without
knowing.
Unni has said it, I love you, a lot of times, actually. She signs all her texts with it and
ends all phone calls with it and mumbles it breathless at the touch of Taeyeons
hand and she doesnt seem bothered by Taeyeons inability to say it back. Taeyeon
is a physical person, she says, not a verbal person, and actions speak louder than

words. What that means, Taeyeon doesnt know; she is sometimes wracked with
ardor beyond words, the need to be close, feel another heart race besides her own.
Thats just how she is. She craves physical contact as much as it makes her
uncomfortable.
Unni, she murmurs into her shoulder, trying to hold her tighter even though its
physically impossible. Are you awake?
Yes.
Dont you think itll get tiring eventually?
What will?
Taeyeon yawns and kisses the nape of her neck. I dont know. Shes not sure why
she brought it up. This whole thing. This job, I guess, maybe.
By the time it gets tiring, itll probably be over, Unni says. This isnt a job many
people do forever.
Thats true.
I wont do this when Im forty.
Whatll you do then?
Unni is quiet. When Taeyeon runs a hand down her arm, she feels goosebumps
rising against the pads of her fingers.
Move to the country and die, she says finally. Just live there until I die.
With me? Taeyeon asks sleepily. She receives a laugh in response.
Sure. Would you like to come with me?
Yeah. They have been dating for just over five months. At five months, there are
no delusions of longevity or ten years from now, or even ten months. Still, she feels
obliged.
Okay. Well both retire and move to the country.
Thatd be nice. Maybe we could be ourselves.
Unni laughs again. Maybe well know who we are, by then.
Taeyeon thinks that maybe thats true, that you really cant know who you are until
youre finished being an idol. Theres no use trying to figure yourself out at this
stage, because you can only be one thing when youre an idol, she thinks. A fraud,
she thinks. Maybe it was like that for real people, too, for non-idols.
Maybe first you figured out who you were, then you became that person.

Taeyeon slips out of bed when dawn first starts to break on the horizon; she feels it
before she sees it, poking its head up through the hastily-drawn curtains. She
dresses and kisses the sleeping mouth goodbye.
In the air, Taeyeon breathes.
When her feet hit the pavement, its still dark, and the sunlight is only rousing itself
lazily. She can see well but feels covered in shadow. When she ducks into a
convenience store and buys hobbang from a sleepy-looking cashier, she catches
the kids standing outside the store and looking in.
They follow her home.
It makes the hair on her arms stand up in agitation and fear, but theyre harmless,
she thinks. There are more dangerous fans who show up at the dorms sometimes,
fans who approach them and try to get in sometimes, so in comparison, these kids
are harmless. They have seen her go back and forth between Unnis place and the
dorm over and over, and Taeyeon suspects theyve connected the dots, but shes
only a little worried. Keeping her secrets makes them feel closer to her, so maybe
thats okay.
Its weird, sort of, for a group of fans who stalk her to know something about her
that most of her members dont even know, but maybe its appropriate. They make
her uncomfortable, but she smiles tightly at them before slipping into the building;
its a relief, somehow, having people out there who know, but who wont talk to her
about it.
In the dorm, Taeyeon imagines.
She can picture and count the moments all of their heartbeats slow, their breathing
deepens, and they fall asleep. Sooyoung, half on Taeyeons bed and half on her
own, head flat on the mattress and her long body wrapped around a pillow,
mumbles something, drifts in and out of sleep. Her hand flexes outward as
Taeyeon walks by, reaches for her; she takes the hand for a second, sets it down.
Sunkyu has fallen asleep on her stomach, one hand stretched toward her laptop,
which has gone to screensaver. Taeyeon shuts it down and stores it under the bed.
Yuri mumbles something as she walks past.
Jessica has fallen asleep reading. Hyoyeon is sleeping on her side. Juhyuns
glasses are placed on top of the neat stack of homework on the nightstand.
Miyoung, pretty Miyoung, has half her limbs on the bed, half off. An arm, a leg, both
hanging preciously off of the bed, the thin pink sheets tangled around the other half
of her body. She wears shorts to bed; the window is open and Taeyeon imagines
the skin of her leg is smooth and cold, warmer the higher up you went, sweet and
hot between her thighs. She imagines. She wants to tug the sheet over the rest of
her, fix the loose t-shirt around the collar where its gone askew, where the skin of
her shoulder lies bare.
She thinks that if she goes over and touches a little, she will be unable to stop
touching.

She thinks that if she climbs into bed with her, she wont be able to sleep, but it
wont matterat least shell feel rested.
Theres a soft click in the front hall and she hurriedly closes the door to Tiffany and
Juhyuns room, turning and padding toward the front door.
Hello, she greets, leaning against the wall.
Unni. Yoona sounds more tired than she looks. Taeyeon wonders how she
manages that. What are you doing up still?
Taeyeon purses her lips quietly. She doesnt want to tell Yoona she only just came
home. A wave of guilt settles around her shoulders as Yoona smiles at her, clear
and youthful.
Couldnt sleep, huh?
Hmm, Taeyeon acknowledges. It isnt a lie. How are you?
Fine, Yoona says brightly, pulling off her shoes. As she drops them on the floor,
she smiles, sheepish, as though the compulsion to be honest has made her feel
guilty. Ive had a headache, all day, really, she admits.
Taeyeon frowns. Did you eat?
I told you I ate, unni.
Have you been drinking water? she demands.
Yeah. Have you?
Taeyeon pauses, chuckles. Then, No. Not really.
Yoonas gaze sweeps over her and she releases a long sigh. Disappointed, maybe.
Maybe its frustrating to have an unni who demands you take care of yourself, but
refuses to do the same. She bites her lip. Im going to shower, she says, soft, with
a hint of reproach.
After, Taeyeon sits next to her on the bed and rubs her temples for her; she
watches her fall asleep, her eyes flutter closed, and makes sure her alarm is set for
a few hours later. Come home at dawn and leave home at dawn, Taeyeon thinks,
and feels guilty all over again. Not just to Yoona, but to all of them. She feels so
sorry she could cry.

They date for eight months, and Unni cheats on her, Taeyeon suspects, for just as
long. By the time she figures it out, she assumes it was probably going on the
entire time, but she is too drained to care. Its exhaustingher job, keeping her
relationship secret, and mostly, the burden of constantly stressing over whether

shes doing the right thing.

She has been physically faithful but emotionally unfaithful for eight months. Its hard
to be too angry.
It still hurts, though, and its hardly the best thing for her ego. The other girls give
her a wide berth; they dont know why shes upset, just that its best to steer clear of
her when shes moody.
No one has ever given Tiffany this memo, though, or Tiffany just feels it doesnt
apply to her because shes clingy, overbearing, hovering over Taeyeon backstage
in the waiting room, wringing her hands and making simpering, pitiful Taeyeonnie
are you okay sort of noises.
Do you want to talk about it? she keeps asking, but Taeyeon just wants to work,
get this stupid album finished so that they can be onstage again. The feeling of
limbo is worse than anything, and looking at Tiffany, thinking about Tiffany,
everything about Tiffany just makes it worse.
She is hurt and a little angry, but mostly she feels guilty. She knows it isnt her fault,
and that people who cheat are people who cheat no matter what, but when she
closes her eyes she sees the careful, hesitant way Unni would look at her,
sometimes, like she knew something but didnt want to know it. How sometimes
she would ask about the members, but she would ask about Tiffany separately, like
she was waiting for a reaction, or a confession. She thinks about it and feels guilty.
Guilt is a powerful force, lately; she feels like shes running on it.
When theyre home, Tiffany pulls Taeyeon into her arms and squeezes her. Its the
first real hug shes had in a long time, the first hug where she doesnt attempt to put
a foot of physical or emotional distance between herself and another warm body.
She clings to Tiffany and cries without meaning to, just like she had two, three
years ago, and she feels even stupider because shes older now and she knew
what she was getting into, and she feels even worse because she knows theres
nothing to cry over, that she hadnt loved her anyway, that it had been eight months
of attempting to transfer her feelings to someone else and being unable to.
Im sorry, she sniffs, knowing shes soaked the shoulder of Tiffanys t-shirt, and
she tries to let go but she cant. I need her, she thinks, and its comforting and
alienating all at once.
Dont be sorry, Tiffany says softly.
Im fine, Taeyeon mumbles, clutching her. Really, Im fine.
Youre not fine, youre crying. Tiffanys voice is low, soft against her ear. Its okay.
You can cry in front of me.
It builds heavily in her chest, this feeling, this guilty feeling, this guilty and
inescapable feeling. She thinks that no matter how hard she tries to get away from
it, it catches up to her every time, slams hard against her and leaves her
breathless, that maybe it was a stupid crush once, and maybe it should have never
happened, but she is painfully and powerfully in love with Tiffany and no amount of

running will let her escape.

She tries to pull away, but shes locked into position.
She hiccups and rubs her eye and feels stupid, like a dumb kid. When she looks at
Tiffany, shes heartbreakingly prettyshes gentle and understanding and her eyes
are a place Taeyeon feels safe. The room is swathed in darkness but she can
make out Tiffanys features; shes memorized them. She knows the place between
her nose and upper lip by heart, she could sketch the fullness of her lower lip from
memory and she runs her thumb over it, reverently, feels Tiffanys cheek lean into
her palm.
In the dark of the room, Taeyeon comes apart. She shakes, she closes her eyes,
she kisses Tiffany.
She kisses her with her mouth, with her sadness and guilt; she sucks in their
shared breath and her mouth trembles as it covers Tiffanys, as her lips ghost
hesitantly along her lips before pressing harder. She presses against her, needy,
and prods Tiffanys lips open with her tongue and Tiffany leans in, presses back
she kisses her back.
Taeyeon will remember it for years, she will turn it over in her mind over and over
until it turns her inside outthat Tiffany kisses her back.
She pulls away. Tiffanys lips are wet, glistening, and she opens her eyes drowsily,
smiles, apprehensive, lethargic. Her expression terrifies Taeyeon because she isnt
surprised. Shes concerned.
What was that for? Tiffany asks, softly.
She swallows around a painful lump in her throat, almost chokes on it.
Tiffany, she breathes. I love you.
Tiffanys eyes dart away anxiously before they meet hers once again and she
smiles again, with a charming sort of hesitance that makes Taeyeon feel like she
could die.
I love you too, Tiffany says off-handedly, and moves a hand to brush Taeyeons
hair out of her eyes but Taeyeon grasps it in her own, holds it to her. She feels as
though shes moved outside of her own body, like shes dreaming while knowing its
a dream, testing the limits of her imagination.
NoI
Taeyeon wets her lips.
No. I mean, Im in love with you, Tiffany. Miyoung. Tiffany. I lo
Tiffanys smile falters. Taeyeon, she says gently, but its like a reprimand. Like
shes said something obscene and shes being politely admonished. She shakes
her head. Taeyeon, no.

Im sorry, Taeyeon says weakly. Ive tried not to. I really have. Miyoung
Youre confused, Tiffany says softly. She squeezes her hand. Her eyes are filled
with something that Taeyeon cannot place but makes her sick. Youreyoure my
best friend, TaeTae.
Im not confused, she says, hoarse. Its the only thing Ive ever been sure of. I
She feels like crying again. Tiffany looks sad, guilty. Shes ruined everything.
Im sorry, she mumbles, looking down.
You have nothing to be sorry for, Tiffany says, carefully, like she might break. But
I cantI mean I dont feel that way. Taeyeon.
Shes not sure what she looks like at that moment when her heart breaks, but
maybe its terrible, it must be awful, because Tiffany suddenly looks at her with so
much pity and contriteness it knocks the air out of her lungs. She takes her hand
away, lets it fall to her lap. She hides her face. Tiffany is the only person she has let
see her cry in years, and suddenly she feels she cant let her see it.
Taeyeon, Im sorry, Tiffany begins, but Taeyeon waves her off.
You have nothing to be sorry for, she says, lifeless, and walks out of the room.

present
(2016)
Her arm was asleep and her head was aching. The ear-splitting strains of a littleknown 80s synthpop song forced her eyes open and it was nearly a full minute
before she recognized it as her ringtone. She twisted her upper body off of the bed
and her lower body tumbled right after, landing in a heap of limbs on the floor.
Hurriedly, she found her jeans, although any hope of making a quiet unseen exit
was trashed to hell at this point.
Taeyeon bit her lip at the name on the display screen and answered reflexively.
Hello? she whispered. Out of the corner of her eye, a head lifted from the bed and
blinked blearily at her. She smiled in apology.
Hey! Tiffany yelled. Where are you?
Uh. Taeyeon kept her voice low. Out?
A glance at the alarm clock on the nightstand confirmed that it was just after nine in
the morning.
Where? I was so worried when you didnt come home last night. Didnt you get my

texts?
Taeyeon paused. I was busy.
Oh. Why are you whispering?
Um. She looked awkwardly at the girl, now fully awake, and smiled, embarrassed.
Tiffany was silent for a moment. Oh, are you with someone?
Yes.
Oh. Her tone instinctively dropped lower, too, although she wasnt in the room.
Sorry.
Its okay, uh, did you need something?
No, I just wanted to know if you were okay, and if you wanted to get breakfast with
me. But I guess youre busy. Her tone was stiff and hard to read, but Taeyeon
imagined she was embarrassed.
Yeah, a little.
Sorry to bother you, Tiffany said in that same stiff tone, and then, more cheerfully:
See you later, okay? She hung up before Taeyeon could reply.
Taeyeon looked down at her phone and then smiled weakly at whoever that was in
bed. She assumed they had a name. Sorry, she said.
Its okay, the girl mumbled sleepily. She closed her eyes. Arent you cold? Come
back to bed.
It was tempting, but there was really no going back to bed when Tiffanys voice was
ringing in her ears like that, to sleep or otherwise. She sighed. Sorry, I have to get
going.
The girl laughed, burying her face in the pillow. I forgot, youre a super cool
important idol, she said, as if that wasnt the entire reason she had found Taeyeon
interesting enough to bring home. It was a little mocking, but affectionate.
I guess so, Taeyeon said, getting dressed.
One eye opened to look at her. Youre prettier in real life, you know, she yawned.
Taeyeon laughed. Thank you.
You probably get that a lot.
I guess.
Prettier, but sadder.

Taeyeon paused. She pulled on her shirt. Yeah?

I didnt mean it in a bad way. I bet you get a lot of girls with that whole She
yawnedtortured, suffering artist stuffright?
No comment.
I used to like your group when I was in high school, she murmured into her pillow.
I thought you seemed melancholy back then but its more intense in person.
Taeyeon knelt by the bed, put her chin on the mattress, and blinked at her. The girl
stroked her hair.
Its cute, though.
She snorted. Thanks.
Can I ask you a question?
Taeyeon blinked slowly at her. So many people who wanted permission to ask her
questions.
No, I havent had plastic surgery, she joked lightly.
The girl smiled and ran her finger down the line of Taeyeons nose.
Are you very sad? Or do you just look that way?
Taeyeon smiled. Maybe everyones a little sad and my face just doesnt hide it
properly.
Maybe.
Was I your favorite?
Huh?
In high school.
Oh. The girl closed her eyes, yawned. Nope. I liked one of the tall ones.
Aww.
Youre my favorite now, she replied with a sleepy, flirtatious grin. Are you sure
you dont want to come back to bed?
Cant. She stood. Thanks. I had fun.
There was a mirror above the dresser. Taeyeon peeked into it and ran her fingers
through her hair, attempting to comb it into something presentable. She took a
moment to look at herself a bit longer. She thought maybe she looked a little tired,
but she had looked that way for years.

Lock the door on your way out.

Sure.
Its okay to be sad, unni. Its worse to pretend you arent.
Thanks, Taeyeon said, and smiled, whether it could be seen or not.

When she came home Tiffany was on the couch, working on her laptop. Her ears
were plugged and the music blared out from it like a muted, static rebuke. She
didnt look up when Taeyeon came in, but Taeyeon could hear the music lower
considerably.
I brought you coffee.
Tiffany didnt lift her eyes from her laptop screen. I had coffee already.
Okay. Did you have breakfast?
Yes.
Okay.
She stood quietly, looking down at Tiffanys face, feeling her stomach twist
anxiously.
At last, Tiffany looked up, yanking the earphones out of her ears. What do you
want?
Taeyeon frowned. What am I in trouble for? she asked softly.
Tiffany swallowed and looked away. She looked at her lap. Nothing. Im sorry I
interrupted your whatever. Im just a littleyou know. Its awkward, I didnt expect
you to bewith someone, I guessI mean, you didnt answer my texts after you
ditched me last night, so
Wait, hold on, I didnt ditch you. Taeyeon frowned. She knew there couldnt have
been gaps in her memory; although they were at a club the previous night in a halfhearted celebration of the solar New Year, she hadnt had a drop to drink. I
specifically recall asking if you minded me going home with She broke off feebly,
not willing to admit that she didnt really know the name of the girl shed gone home
with. Tiffany rolled her eyes knowingly.
Fine. Youre right.
Inhale. Count to ten. Exhale. Taeyeon flexed her fingers at her sides. There was no
energy left in her body anymore; the fight was gone. She looked down at Tiffany,

exhausted, sad.
I dont get it, she said softly. I dont know what you want from me. I did everything
right, didnt I? I didnt bring her home. I followed the rules. Why am I the bad guy
here?
Tiffany shrugged, sullen. I just didnt realize youd be out the whole night. I mean,
Taeyeon, you dont even know her name, but you went home with her, she could
have been some like, deranged stalker who wanted to chop you up into pieces, or
like
Im going to be twenty-seven years old, Taeyeon pointed out. She didnt raise her
voice. It wasnt an argument. She was too tired for this. I can take care of myself.
ImI mean, its none of your business.
Tiffany stood abruptly and tried to push past her. Yeah, youre right. Your life is
none of my business.
Thats not what I said, Taeyeon protested softly. She grabbed Tiffanys elbow,
pulled her back. She looked into her eyes. She loved her very much, but she was
tired of being hurt. It was exhausting.
Im sorry for being worried, Tiffany said sourly. It wont happen again.
Tiffany. Taeyeon closed her eyes. What do you want from me, she pleaded.
What do you want? You dont want me, right, because youve made that pretty
clear, but you also dont seem to want me with anyone else. I mean, you say you
do, and then the second you dont have my undivided, devoted attention, you cant
handle it. What do you want me to do? I cant go back and forth with you forever,
Im only human.
Tiffany looked at her, stricken. Taeyeon knew her own anger was justified and yet,
seeing that look on Tiffanys face broke her heart. She didnt want to hurt her. She
loosened her grip and Tiffany retreated within herself, wrapping her arms tightly
across her chest and stepping backward. Taeyeon gazed at her.
They locked eyes for a brief moment and then Tiffany looked at the floor. She
shrugged stiffly.
Dont look at me like that, Taeyeon, I dont know what you want from me either.
You do, Taeyeon pressed, quiet. You know what I want. What Ive always
wanted. You know.
Tiffany shook her head, refusing to meet her gaze.
Youre not my girlfriend, Taeyeon told her evenly. You cant act like you own me
when you dont even want me, when all Ive wanted for the past ten years of my life
is you, and you dont even Her throat closed up. I cant get over you unless you
let me go, a little.
Tiffany looked at her. Her eyes were like memories. Taeyeon felt fifteen years old

every time she looked into them and she didnt want it anymore. It was an awful,
sickening feeling, like falling. Helpless as a teenager.
I dont want to lose you, Tiffany said, so quietly Taeyeon wasnt sure she hadnt
just imagined breathing into words. Her stomach fell.
Youre not going to lose me. Tiffany shook her head but Taeyeon pressed on,
seizing her by the wrist. Even if you push me away, theres nowhere I can go.
Thats not what I mean. You dont get it.
She released Tiffanys arm roughly and shook her head. No, I dont. Youyou
figure it out, okay? She ran a hand through her hair, combed through her bangs,
felt her temple throb beneath her fingertips. You figure it out. Ill be back when I
can stand to see you again.
She didnt look back when she walked out the door. Endlessly, she hoped to be
released, but the further she walked away, the more she felt the rope tighten.

chapter fifteen
The walls swam and the floor dodged her eyes. The palm of Taeyeons hand had
gone numb from the steady, rhythmic thumping she had treated the door to. On
strike twenty-threeshe had countedthe door fell away and she leaned against
the doorjamb unsteadily.
Sica, she said, hopefully articulate.
Taengoo? Jessica grabbed her arm and held her steady, pulling her into the
apartment. Are you okay?
I am not, Taeyeon admitted, stumbling in after her and tripping out of her shoes. I
am fantastically, ridiculously drunk.
Thats pretty obvious, Jessica said, holding her tightly. Taeyeon wished she could
see her properly but there had been a lot of wine and she had maybe lost a contact
in the cab on the way over. Or both contacts? Had she worn contacts? Had she lost
her glasses
Taeyeon?
Hmm? She felt Jessica hoist her up by the waist and pull her into the living room,
dragging her toward the couch. It really was a very nice apartment, all spacious and
pretty and no wonder Jessica would want to live here, because Tiffany was not
here, and Tiffany was terrible, she was awful, she was the worst. Wheres your
girlfriend, she wondered stupidly and felt Jessica taking off her coat.
Shes working.
Oh. So late
Dont move, Im going to get you some water.
Youre the best person, Taeyeon cried, putting her head against the couch
pillows. She couldnt even remember which bar shed gotten drunk at, or how many
hours had passed, or how many meals she might have missed, or how she had
ended up at Jessicas. She knew those girls, those clingy, shadowing girls, had
helped her into a cab but had she asked for Jessicas apartment or had they
suggested it? It seemed a weird choice, although she certainly loved Jessica quite
a lot. Sunkyu was generally the person who shouldered the burden of her
occasional wine-fueled stupidity. Anyone was okay, she guessed.
She couldnt go home, that was all she knew.
Jessica brought her a bottle of water and she drank gratefully; her mouth and nose
felt numb. Jessica sat down beside her and combed the messy hair away from her
face.
Im sorry, Taeyeon said, near tears. Sorry to come here, sorry. Sorry, sorry.

No, Im glad you came, Jessica said softly, putting an arm around her. I dont
want you wandering around in this condition. Why didnt you go home? When
Taeyeon neglected to answer, she kissed her just above her temple, squeezed her
shoulder. Did something happen with Tiffany?
Nothing happened, nothing ever happens, Taeyeon said pitifully, holding the
bottle of water so tightly she was surprised she hadnt squeezed it all over her lap.
I dont know why I even bother with her, she isnt worth it.
Even as she said it, she knew it was a lie, and Jessica knew that she knew
because she just held her tightly and sighed. Because. Shes Tiffany. And youre
Taeyeon.
Taeyeon snorted. She put a hand up to her eyes and rubbed. I cant do this
anymore.
Taengoo.
No, I really cant. I cant. This is too hard for me. Am I supposed to do this for the
rest of my life? She knows how I feel about her and she still
She exhaled. She felt dizzy. Most of all, and most obviously, she regretted drinking
this much, because it didnt help, it just brought all her emotions to the surface,
painfully pricking against her skin.
Jessica smoothed her hair again, sat quietly for a moment. Baby, I know this is
hard for you, she began, delicately. But. Have you even thought about how hard it
must be for Tiffany, too? Have you looked at it from her point-of-view?
Again.
Taeyeon inhaled shakily.
How am I supposed to do that, she said, trying to stamp down the frustration.
Shes so inconsistent. She tells me to get over her and when I stray too far she
yanks the leash and Im back to square one.
But look at it from her perspective.
I dont know her perspective, Jessica.
You dont know what to do, but how is she supposed to know? Do you have any
idea how much she loves you? What did you expect to happen when you
confessed to her?
I dont know what I expected, Taeyeon admitted. But if I knew it was going to be
seven or eight years of being led on and sent mixed signals, I wouldnt have done it
at all.
Youre not some random person on the street, Taeyeon, youre her best friend.
She cant reject you and then act like you dont exist. Even if you didnt work

together, youd be together.

Believe me, I know that.
So you dumped this burden of a confession in her lap and expected her to be able
to deal with it, when you know very well it would kill her to hurt you.
Taeyeon blinked at her. So Im the bad guy? I didnt ask to feel this way.
And neither did she. I know its hard for you. But imagine having to watch your best
friend in the world have her heart broken and you cant even make it better
because youre the one who did it. Do you think that feels nice?
Taeyeon stood, angrily. Then why cant she make up her mind? If she doesnt
want me, then just let me go, and if she does
Let you go? Jessica repeated, incredulous. Youre her best friend, Taeyeon, how
is she supposed to do that?
So she needs to treat me like a friend. I cant get over her if she keeps giving me
hope that we could be more
But you already are more. Jessicas voice was soft, kind. You know shell never
just be your friend. And she knows that, too. Youre not normal people, and you
dont have a normal friendship, and its a little too late for you to fix that.
Taeyeons shoulders sank. What am I supposed to do, then.
Jessica paused thoughtfully, and then took Taeyeons hand. She pulled her down
to sit next to her. Taeyeons head spun. She felt unraveled.
Okay, um, Jessica began, and then paused for another moment as though trying
to figure out how to say what she wanted. The thing is, I liked unni for a really long
time before I confessed to her. A few years, maybe? And it was really difficult, you
know, not just because I was dealing with the fact that I had feelings for another
girlwhich, you know, I had always known, but to be hit with it like that was like
well, you probably know what I mean.
Taeyeon nodded. It was weird, that they had known each other this long and had
never been able to talk to one another about it; ostensibly, it was something they
had both gone through, but Taeyeon supposed they were both the same kind of
person. When faced with the option of not talking about something or talking about
it, both of them would invariably choose the former.
Mostly it was also difficult because, you know, we were really close and she took
care of me really well, and I didnt want to mess that up? I mean, I thought, you
know, I can live with this, as long as I have herbeing friends or whatever. But at a
certain point, I realized that I I loved her, she blushed, like this was some sort of
deep, dark confession despite Taeyeon having known they were together for going
on eight years now, and that I was eighteen years old and beginning my career,
and it was too much, I guess. I realizedunless I told her how I felt, I couldnt have
her in my life anymore. I mean, just like that, I knew, you knoweither our

relationship needs to become more, or it needs to end. So when I confessed, I

knew that our relationship was going to change, no matter what. Whether she
accepted me or rejected me, there was no way we could go back to what we were
before. Does that make sense?
It does, but
So I confessed to her knowing that, and I made the decision to change our
relationship. I was lucky, and she felt the same way, and, you know, the rest is
history more or less. She waved her hands around, embarrassed, casting a glance
around the expansive apartment. Taeyeon thought, suddenly, about how beautiful
happiness looked on other people; happy people didnt need to be smiling or
laughing for you to know they were happy. They just were.
Anyway, what Im saying is, I think thats what you want now. You want her to
either accept you, or your relationship needs to change, and you need to let go of
each other. But its too late for that. The time for that was years ago, when you told
her how you felt. You guys just tried to pick up your friendship where it left off, keep
yourself in the same place, even with all this hanging between you. You cant ask
her to let you go now. Its too late.
Taeyeon laughed painfully. Youre telling me thats it, its too late? Theres nothing
I can do, I just have to be miserable forever? Cool, thats
Im saying maybe you need to look at yours and Tiffanys relationship and ask
yourself why you were unable to let go of each other when you should have.
Taeyeon frowned and tried to focus. Were teammates, she pointed out. Jessica
squeezed her hand.
You and I both know that lots of idol groups survive for many years with members
who arent even friends. Its something else.
Taeyeon looked at her, quietly, pensively. Im too drunk for this.
Jessica laughed. She ran her thumb over the top of Taeyeons hand. Whats new.
Taeyeon smiled, tight, apprehensive, and stood. She looked around, blinked at the
dim lights, the long stretch of the apartmentit looked like an ad or a photograph in
an interior design magazine, except lived-in, tangibly occupied by two people who
were living a life together. Taeyeons heart ached. She could tell herself over and
over that she was a loner and didnt need anyone, but she knew, really, she wanted
that. It was hard to be anyone with a secret, and it was harder to be an idol with a
secret, but Jessica had proven that it was possible, that you could fall in love, build
a career; you could have both and be happy. Jessica was happy.
Taeyeon wanted that. She smiled down at Jessica, ruffled the top of her head,
grinned at the indignant whine her old friend let out as she tried to squirm away,
and said, Thank you.
Of course, Jessica said dismissively, fixing her hair. She grabbed Taeyeons hand
suddenly, as though sensing that she was ready to leave. Hey, stay here, okay? I

dont want you wandering around drunk like this. You can sleep on the couch; unni
wont mind.
Taeyeon squeezed her hand, gave her a lightheaded smile. She was unsteady on
her feet, but shed be fine.
No, its okay. I have some place to go.

Hey.
Hyejin blinked sleepily at her. In the dark of the hallway, she looked bright and
golden to Taeyeon, pretty and warm and familiar. Its three in the morning,
Taeyeon.
Yeah. Taeyeon traced the doors frame with one finger. Sorryuh, were you
sleeping?
Yes.
Okay. She sighed, putting her hands in her pockets. Sorry. Ill go.
With a sigh, Hyejin grabbed her shirt, dragged her across the threshold. Come in.
Sorry, I Taeyeon moved clumsily inside.
You smell like you took a shower in wine.
Its very good for the skin, she joked, following Hyejin into her apartment.
Youre drunk.
Very.
I thought you said you quit drinking.
I did, Taeyeon admitted, but this is a special occasion. Im celebrating.
Hyejins hair was a mess from sleeping and she yawned, trying to smooth it out
with half-hearted movements. She was pretty. It was the same thing every time
Taeyeon saw her, whether she was drunk or drypretty, she was pretty, she
looked pretty.
Celebrating what?
Eyebrows rose as Taeyeon stepped closer and breathed in. Her hands were
graceless, awkward as they attempted to smooth Hyejins hair down for her. She
smiled.
Uh, not sure, actually.

Oh, good, Hyejin said dryly, but she smiled back.

Sorry.
You can stop apologizing. Whats up?
Taeyeon looked at the floor, studied it quietly. I just wanted to see you.
At three in the morning, while youre drunk.
I thought we were friends.
We are. I havent kicked you out. She smiled. Taeyeon stepped closer. It was
hard to get any closer than she was.
I justI missed you.
Yeah?
Yeah. She meant it. She wasnt sure in what way. There really wasnt a feeling to
compare it to, just that she found herself standing in Hyejins personal space and
aching, yearning to be closer. Even now, when her vision was blurry and her entire
body felt flimsy, she felt at ease, looking at her, feeling her skin cool and soft
against her own.
Hyejin only nodded, made a soft, satisfied sound that only made Taeyeon want her
more.
Did you miss me? she pressed, earnest, quiet.
In place of an answer she received only a smile, a casual shrug. Taeyeon frowned
sourly. She didn't care if Hyejin was just teasing, the lack of confirmation made her
feel powerless, vulnerable. She tensed.
Did you? she asked again, soft. She swallowed hard. Miss me?
Maybe a little.
Say it. She wet her lips. Please.
Hyejin went to turn on a light but Taeyeon took her hand, pulled it to her.
Leave it off.
Why? Hyejin asked lightly. Dont want to see me with the lights on? Easier to
pretend Im someone else?
Taeyeon looked at her carefully. What do you mean?
Nothing. Not tonight. Youre drunk. You dont want me.

How do you know what I want?

How do you know what you want?
I want you, she insisted, feeling a bit of control slip away.
Just for right now, though, Hyejin said gently. I care about you a lot, Taeyeon. If I
thought you were capable of feeling the same, Id let myself fall in love with you. I
would. Thats how much I like you. But you dont want me. You want her.
Taeyeon looked at her silently.
You and I both know that. Look, I dont mind, orI didnt mind. I know what this
has been for you, since the beginning. But dont come here and make me feel like
Im being used, Taeyeon. Im not going to compete with her, because I know I wont
win.
Taeyeon stepped closer. Just when she thought she couldnt, there was more
space to move into. Her breath caught. Her mouth pressed against the corner of
Hyejins lips and she sighed, feeling the tension melt out of her body and her limbs
weaken.
Okay, was all she could say.
Hyejin touched her face, kissed her cheek. Go home. Come back to me when you
feel better.
When would that be, Taeyeon wondered. It was cold outside; it was Seoul in
January. It had been an endless season of cold, of loneliness. She put her hands in
her pockets.
We called a taxi for you.
She looked, unhinged, at the fan talking to her, and then nodded, slow, empty.
Its so late, she said. Why are you still up?
Because youre still up, the fan returned simply.
Why?
Because we want to take care of you. Because you need us. Because we love
you.
The taxi came. Taeyeon looked down at the ground.
Love is very suffocating, she said, and got in the taxi.

She dropped her keys on the floor three times before she managed to get the door

open.
The front hall was dark. Taeyeon took her shoes off, flipped her hair out of her
eyes. The living room was awash in moonlight, stretching, fatigued, across the
carpeted floor, spineless and whispering along the couch where Tiffany sat quietly,
legs folded beneath her.
Their eyes locked. Taeyeon considered just walking past to her room and going to
sleep, but she thought maybe, in the muted light, that Tiffanys eyes were red,
maybe, and her heart ached a little.
Hello, she said.
Hi, Tiffany returned.
What are you doing up?
Waiting for you. Jessica called when you left her apartment, but that was an hour
ago.
Taeyeon sighed.
Where were you?
Out.
Are you drunk?
A little. She shook her head, looked at the floor. I dont want to fight with you.
Tiffany stood. I dont want to fight either.
Look, um. Taeyeon raked a hand through her hair. She had felt like shed sobered
up on the taxi ride home, but now, standing in Tiffanys presence, breathing her in,
she was unsteady on her feet once again. She was undone. She was fifteen years
old, painfully in love, drowning in want, suffocating in love. She shook, little by little.
I think you know, we thought this would work out, this whole living together thing,
andI dont think it is. Solets not fight about it, okay? Ill look for a new place.
Maybe I can still get my old place. I dont know. I just
Taeyeon, Tiffany said softly. She stepped closer. She smelled like clean air, and
her skin was white porcelain in the moonlight. Thats not what I want.
Its just not going to work.
Tiffany looked at her, sadly. Taeyeon gazed into her eyes, willed herself to look
away, and thought, maybe this is impossible, maybe no matter what you do youll
just be pulled tighter and tighter to her until it gets so tight that you choke. She
swallowed hard.
What do you want from me? she asked weakly, her voice breaking.

Tiffanys eyes were questions without answers and she smoothed her hand along
Taeyeons shoulder, clutched her collar, kissed her forcefully on the mouth.
Taeyeon could not move. She had been on the receiving end of what felt like a
dozen lips, dozens of kisses in desperation and need and intoxication and yet her
mouth could only ever recall the first one, the hard and wet fullness of Stephanie
Hwang against her waiting mouth, the solid heat of her, the hot breath and the
slippery place where their lips met and she sighed, groaned with longing. Tiffanys
hand, fisting her collar, shook and trembled and she slid her hand along Taeyeons
neck, tangling her fingers in her hair, pressing her thumb against her throat like she
could choke her; her lips made captive slaves of Taeyeons, held her to her by the
curve of her lips and swallowed her breath, swallowed her whole.
Fany, Taeyeon breathed, and her teeth scraped Tiffanys lower lip, feeling
Tiffanys entire body press against her and shake with warmth and want and
Taeyeon realized this was all she had yearned for, this was the warmth and
darkness she couldnt replace. She pressed closer, wishing she could climb inside
Tiffanys clothes, climb inside her and share her breath. Her hands grasped
Tiffanys hips and she pushed her backwards, nudged her onto the couch and fell
against her and thought she would die if she stopped touching her for a second.
Tiffany murmured against her lips, quiet and desperate, Please, and Taeyeon
could only swallow each and every word, breathe her in like oxygen, drag her lips
down the curve of her jaw and hear, feel Tiffanys breath hitch and her blood rush
and her body respond and she could have died like this, in the moonlight, in
Tiffanys arms, in that resting place between wonder and fantasy.

chapter sixteen
(2009)
It is shaping up to be the most exhausting and bleak year of Taeyeons life, but the
history books wont paint it that way. The industry is dishonest and she is
dishonest; it cheats and she cheats. She doesnt remember what her voice is
meant to sound like, but there isnt a part of her that doesnt feel split apart and
bloody with open wounds.
She terrifies herself. The further they get to the top, the longer the fall to the bottom,
and she starts to yearn for it. She has the power, she knows, to allow the group to
go up in flames. In fact, the lifespan of an idol is unpredictable, their status
precarious; she can pretend she has no control, but in fact, if she wanted to ruin
everything, she could.
This is a consistent thought, sometimes, when she is tired and she has another two
hours ago, repeated recordings of a song she cant stand, watching, from yards
away, the way Tiffanys mouth moves when she talks. She is angry. She doesnt
know whyit courses through her veins, and it makes her taste desire like blood in
the back of her throat. She could pin Tiffany to the wall and tear her apart, put her
mouth to every part of her, and maybe it would make her love her, and maybe the
thousands of eyes watching would understand that they created a false idol, that
shes not someone to be worshiped or respected or even looked at. She is a
person with a dark shadow ready to swallow her; she has made an entire country
love her, and she cannot make one person love her.
Her head throbs. They are filming late into the night. Every time she puts her head
down to rest, there is another person at her elbow who says Taeyeon are you okay.
Im okay, she says several times and when she catches Tiffanys eye across the
studio, she looks away.
Tiffany tries at least once a week, to fix things. Taeyeon knows shes trying to fix
things. She comes to her, eyes sad and wet like morning, mouth fixed into a frown,
hands tense. She says, Can we talk?
Taeyeon says, We dont have anything to talk about, usually, but sometimes she
says, Sure, lets talk, but then Tiffany wants to talk about that and when Taeyeon
meets her eyes honestly, Tiffany cant think of anything to say, so Taeyeon thinks
thats itshe cant even talk about itthats how shameful it is, she wants to talk
about it, and she cant.
Lately, she can feel eyes on her at all times. Its not really unusualits rare that
eyes arent locked on her, scrutinizing her every move, whether theyre fans or staff
or the unflinching publicbut lately its the members, mostly, who look at her
warily, confused and worried. She knows they sense the rift between Tiffany and
herits hard to missbut they dont handle Tiffany with kid gloves suddenly. Its
just her.

It is tiring, being a person that is looked at. They say its because they care about
her, that shes their friend, but occasionally she feels the crushing weight of an
arbitrary title they saddled her with. Leader. It eats away at her, keeps the wall up
indefinitely. Thats where the eyes are the most intense, when it comes down to
decisions and questions and answers, their eyes shift to her.
They dont know you, she thinks sometimes, morosely, because if they did, theyd
stop looking.
You can talk to us, you know, they say. Its clear somethings bothering you, but
were always here. Were a team, Taeyeon. Talk to us.
She smiles, tight and false, through her exhaustion and anger and incongruity.
Thats what it is. She feels out-of-place. There are eight girls, excited and
exhilarated with the way their careers are taking off, and then theres her, clinging
to anything bolted to the ground; the higher they go, the more desperate she is to
stay grounded. She is two years into the game and already hates herself, the
falseness shes painted herself with, the duplicitous nature of the business. She
looks at the eight of them and can no longer convince herself that she doesnt love
them, but wonders who they are, because they must be fake, too.
She sees Tiffanys eyes and thinks theyre not like Stephanies eyes. Theyre
haunted and sad and lonely. She feels her best friend slipping away from her and
knows its her fault, but she pins the blame on everything else. Theyre surrounded
by dishonest people in a dishonest world; how can they possibly be honest with
each other?
You can talk to us, Taeyeon. We want you to open up to us. We want you to talk to
us. We want to know you, Taeyeon, because we care about you.
It is a five minute talk, nominally, but it hasnt been five minutes since the first night
she proposed it; sometimes it stretches for close to an hour. Taeyeon is exhausted
but sometimes just listening to them talk makes her feel better. She can rarely say
much, but if she could, she might tell them that their voices and thoughts are
dizzyingly beautiful; she loves them that much. She has tried not to, but she loves
them very much. When they tell her they wish she would talk, she thinks theyre
lucky she doesnt, because if she opened her mouth they would be embarrassed by
all the love and devotion she has stored up.
If she were to talk to them as much as she thinks about them, she would lose her
voice.

So theres that, she says. Theyre winding down. Since its a full-scale concert,
we should be prepared to have enough energy for it. I know thatll be hard, because
we have a lot of schedules, and not enough time to rest, but since its a solo
concertjust remember that, keep your energy up.
They nod. Their eyes all have the same restless exhaustion in them. She smiles
tightly, wanting to go to bed. She feels like shes done all the talking and she

wonders if its intentional; sometimes they stay silent just to force her to talk more,
but she wonders what they get out of it.
So, uh, I guess thats it. Does anybody else have anything to say?
Tiffany looks into her eyes so long and hard she feels a little bruised from it. She
blinks at her, startled, and addresses her directly for the first time in awhile.
Tiffany? Did you have something to say?
Tiffany continues to look at her, wounded but firm. The moment stretches for so
long that the other members start to shift uncomfortably, looking between them.
Finally Taeyeon averts her eyes uneasily and Tiffany sighs, looking into her lap.
I guess not.
Okay, then.
All right, thats enough, Sooyoung says, frowning. What the hell is going on with
you two? Seriously, Ive been quiet about this for too long.
I dont know what youre talking about, Taeyeon replies quickly.
No? You guys are joined at the hip for as long as I can remember and then for the
past year its like you can hardly stand to be in one anothers presence? You dont
know what Im talking about?
Yoona grabs her arm, glancing between both Tiffany and Taeyeon with concern.
Unni, maybe its none of our business
You said you agreed with me, Sooyoung says.
I do, I just think
Whats this, you guys are talking about us behind our backs? Tiffany asks.
Well, someone has to talk about it, Sooyoung argues. I dont get you guys.
Whats the deal?
Taeyeon frowns deeply. Its nothing and you should mind your own business.
Hey, thats not fair, Yuri speaks up. Were a team, Taengoo, and Sooyoungs not
the only one whos worried about you guys.
Now theyve all been emboldened into speaking up. Taeyeon feels her hands tense
in her lap, a vein in her temple throb.
If theres problems between two members, that affects the group, Jessica points
out.
Well, theres no problem, Taeyeon insists, shaking her head. I dont know where

you guys are getting that idea

If theres no problem then why wont you talk to me? Tiffanys voice is hollow and
quiet, but it shoves the room into silence. Taeyeon looks at her, surprised; Tiffanys
eyes are trained on her lap. Taeyeon can only look at her for a brief moment,
because the eyes of the rest of the girls are disquieting.
I she begins and then can say nothing else. She rubs her forehead tiredly. Do
we have to talk about
Well, how long did you think we were going to go on like this, Taeyeon? She looks
up at last, meeting Taeyeons gaze with an apprehensive, anxious look. I mean, if
the rest of the group is noticing
Theres nothing going on, Taeyeon says, stressing the words. Ive been tired,
weve all been tired, this has been a long year, and
Thats not it and you know it.
and I also think, she said, raising her voice a little, theres no reason for us to
talk about this in front of
She trails off because theyre all looking at her. Being looked at. She cant stand it.
In front of us? Sunkyu asks, stunned. So all that were a team, we should share
each others happiness and sadness, all that stuff, you just said that for effect,
huh?
No, Taeyeon protests. She feels ganged up on, and embarrassingly, tears start to
come to her eyes. She tenses, trying to force herself to stay calm. She has spent
the better part of an entire year trying to keep her emotions at bay and even a fuse
as long as hers will burn up if it keeps being lit. I this is a private thing, between
me and Tiffany, and its not
But you wont talk to me about it, Tiffany says in disapproval.
Because theres nothing to talk about.
Taeyeon, you
It was a mistake, okay?
Tiffanys eyes widen; she pushes on.
It was a misunderstanding and its my fault, okay, and I think we should both get
over it. I was confused.
Now Im confused, Hyoyeon says.
Tiffany shakes her head. You say that like it was an accident.
Maybe it was.

But if thats all it was, why wont you speak to me? Do you have any idea how
hurtful
How hurtful? Taeyeon explodes. How hurtful, really? For you? For
you? Youre hurt?
Well, how did you expect me to react
I dont know. She feels her blood racing. Just forget about it, okay.
Tiffany looks at her, full of pity, and suddenly Taeyeon hates her, violently hates
everything about her sad, sorry face. Shes sick of it.
But Taeyeon youre
In love with you, she finishes, losing her temper at last. Thats my problem, its
not yours.
She hadnt meant to say it, and yet once she has, she feels better. It hangs in the
air awkwardly, but she has held it in for too long, and even the defeated slump of
Tiffanys shoulders is a good enough response.
Im sorry, okay, she breathes. I shouldnt have kissed you, but you shouldnt have
kissed me back. You shouldnt have Im so confused, she admits softly and the
way Tiffany looks at her, so sad and sorry, like Taeyeon is a child throwing a
tantrum, makes something inside of her break.
The room is silent. She isnt sure for how long.
Surprisingly, or maybe not surprisingly, its Juhyun who breaks the silence, and she
addresses Taeyeon.
Unni, this is what we mean, she says softly. All these things are going on, and
yet you dont tell us anything. You never talk to us, you keep secrets, you refuse to
open up, and then youre the first one to say were a team, were a family, we
should all share with each other. Thats not fair.
Taeyeon squeezes her eyes shut. She can tell theyre all stunned and she doesnt
want to look at them. This is your leader, she thinks, she is a mess, she is one
screw-up after another.
Taengoo.
Its Sunkyu, beside her, taking her hand. She keeps her eyes closed.
Taengoo, come on. When are you going to realize how much we care about you?
You have to open up to us, otherwise the group will fall apart.
She wrenches her hand out of Sunkyus grasp and stands, rushing off to her
bedroom with her head bowed. She can hear their cries behind her but cant look
back; shes afraid to look at them, to see them, to see Tiffany, mostly, to look at her

sad face and her pretty eyes.

She doesnt realize Sooyoung is hot on her heels until she tries to slam the door
closed behind her and it sticks as Sooyoung pushes herself in bodily. Taeyeon
looks down, fighting back tears. The door closes quietly and she feels Sooyoung
step into her personal space, take her arm, pull her close; she isnt sure whats
happening until Sooyoungs arms are tight around her.
She does not return the hug but unconsciously sinks into it, sighing. Her body feels
fatigued, weak, like shes been running a marathon for years.
Hey, Taeyeon, you have to go back out there and talk to them.
She shakes her head. Theres no way Sooyoung will understand.
Yes, you do. Youre our leader.
Her words only make Taeyeon feel worse. She is so far from a leader its almost a
joke. She hasnt been a leader to these girls for even five seconds, and she knows
it; all shes done is hold the group back, worry them, push them away. She shakes
her head again.
Yes, Sooyoung insists. You jackass. You idiot. What is it going to take for you to
get how much we love you? YouTaeyeonyou
She loosens the grip she has Taeyeon in, sliding her arms around her shoulders
and looking down at Taeyeons teary, confused face. This is the worst way to be
looked at, Taeyeon thinks.
That you and Tiffany was that for real? Sooyoung asks. Whispers.
Taeyeon looks down. There is no me and Tiffany.
But you wanted there to be. You want there to be.
She nods, too drained to pretend otherwise. Sooyoung releases a breath and
squeezes her tighter.
You jerk. Why didnt you tell me? Tell us?
Because its none of your business.
She doesnt mean it harshly but Sooyoung is taken aback. She lets go of Taeyeon,
stepping backward and putting her hands in her pockets. She looks hurt. Maybe
thats an understatement. Taeyeon purses her lips, digging her feet into the floor to
keep herself upright.
Why not? Sooyoung asks softly. She shakes her head. I try so hard, Taeyeon, to
get close to you, and you keep pushing me away. I dont get it. Taeyeon remains
silent, and she continues. Why would you carry all this by yourself? Did you think
we wouldnt understand?

You dont. You cant.

What, that you like girls? Big deal, moron, did it bother us when Jessica told us?
What kind of people do you think we are? We love you.
Taeyeon shakes her head again. She cannot stop shaking it, cannot stop shaking
all over.
Im in love with her, she tells Sooyoung, her voice hoarse.
Sooyoung nods, looking at her sorrowfully. It makes Taeyeon feel bad.
For how long?
Ive always loved her.
It feels strangely refreshing to say it. Confessing to Tiffany a year ago was the only
time she had admitted it, and yet, it still feels freeing to have the words out there.
She feels like she can breathe.
Sooyoung looks at her as though she doesnt know what to say, as though shes
sorry for her. She hugs her again. Taeyeon sniffles, pulling herself together.
You need to go out there, Sooyoung says. You need to talk to them. And you
need to you and Tiffany have to figure something out, because you cant go on
the way you have.
The guilt makes Taeyeons head hurt. There is a loud chorus of voices telling them
at every turn that theyre the best idol group the industry has seen in years, and
here she is, holding them back.
When she drags herself back out to the living room, the girls havent even moved.
Theyre still seated in the same positions, and even their expressions, mannerisms
are like before. Tiffanys head is bowed, her eyes fixed on her lap, like shes frozen.
Taeyeon clears her throat, and theymost of themlook up at her. She fidgets
under their stares.
Sorry about before, she says softly.
They look at her, wide-eyed, expectant, like they need more. Always more. She has
nothing left to give.
She exhales. Then, mustering up the courage, she says, Look, guys. I think I
think we should do away with the whole leader position. Since, you knowI think
maybe it would be better if we just didnt have a leader. Its not working, so maybe
we would be better off without it.
Shock registers on their faces but she only glimpses it briefly before she feels the
need to look away. There is a long, silent beat before Sunkyu speaks up.
Of course, she says, cheerfully. I think it was always like that, wasnt it?

There is an awkward pause before the rest of the girls chime in.
Yeah, Hyoyeon adds, I always thought we didnt really have a leader, so thats
fine.
The sense of relief Taeyeon is hoping for doesnt come. Instead she feels empty,
lost. She nods absently. What did she expect? Strangled cries of objection,
protest? Clearly they felt as she did, that she had let them down. She cant bear to
think too long about how they must view her nownot just a failure, but a quitter,
too, and somehow they expected it. A liar. Maybe her feelings for Tiffany are no
ones business but her own, but she hadnt missed their looks of betrayal.
The talk ends, then, abrupt and anticlimactic, and as they file off to bed she keeps
her head down, tidies up the living room. It is a few minutes before she realizes that
Tiffany has stayed behind, that they are alone in the dark of the living room. Her
head is bowed, but when Taeyeon notices her, she lifts her eyes up to her. They're
red.
Will you please talk to me? she asks softly.
Taeyeon sighs. She is so exhausted. She twists a pillow in her hands anxiously
before setting it down on the floor.
Theres nothing really to talk about, is there?
Taeyeon.
Im sorry. I messed everything up. I should have never
You didnt mess everything up.
But you looked soand I cant help butlook we should forget about it
because, you know, I was confused that night and, um, I dont think I was in the
right frame of mind, and
We cant forget about it. I dont want you to think that IIm not angry, and Im not
upset with you. Please understand that. I care about you so much.
Taeyeon looks at her carefully. You knew how I felt about you, didnt you?
Tiffanys eyes widen, as though caught and she looks down, nodding. Her cheeks
flush. Taeyeon sighs.
How long have you known?
I dont know, Tiffany says, hesitant. Awhile, I guess?
How long, Taeyeon presses, feeling her heart beat fast.
I guess I suspected uh, pretty much as long as weve known each other

Taeyeon exhales in a short burst of surprise. Thatthat long? You

I mean, Taeyeon, I didnt know for sure, I just kind of suspected for a long time. I
kept thinking, you know, its probably just a crush, shell probably get over it
Taeyeon wets her lips. So all this time, all these years, you knew how I felt, and
you didnt She trails off. Didnt what? What did she expect?
What was I supposed to do? Or say? I didnt want to hurt you. I dont want to hurt
you.
Taeyeon looks at the floor, frustrated. That was it, then. If Tiffany had known for
that long, then she clearly didnt feel the samethere was no chance of it. If she
had, she wouldve come to her about it. Wouldnt she? Suddenly she burns with
shame and sadness, thinking back. How long Tiffany must have known. How long
she must have pitied her, felt bad for her. Stayed friends with her, maybe, out of
some misguided sympathy. I must have looked so pathetic, thinks Taeyeon, I must
look really pathetic to her.
Taeyeon. She feels Tiffany take her hand; its strangely cold, and their fingers
lace together instinctively. Im sorry. I wish I couldI mean, the last thing I would
ever want to do is hurt you. I love you, its just not
The same, Taeyeon finishes for her. She shrugs. I guess thats it, then.
Tiffany frowns. But what about us? Youre my best friend. I mean, we I dont
want us to grow apart, Taeyeon.
Taeyeon keeps her head bowed. All she wants, really, is to stay here, with their
hands locked, standing in Tiffanys radiating warmth. She had wished for a reset
button so many times over the past year and longs for it now more than ever, to
have never told her, or maybe to reset years back and have never fallen for her.
She wants, more than anything, a best friend who is just a best friend, who doesnt
make her heart beat so fast she worries it will stop.
Im sorry, she says softly. Its too hard for me.
Before she leaves, Tiffany calls out to her.
Even if you try to push us away, youll always be our leader, she says. Her eyes
are bright. And even if you try to push me away, youll always be my best friend.
She can feel Tiffanys eyes on her even as she turns to leave, even as she slumps
down the hall toward her room; even when the door is closed, she thinks she can
feel Tiffanys eyes on her. Its terrifying, exhausting, painfully self-conscious, being
a person who is looked at.

present
(2016)

January had closed in. Somehow, even without opening her eyes, Taeyeon knew
that it had snowed the night before. The light coming from the window was
impossibly bright behind her eyelids and she could sense it before she saw it, the
full expanse of white like a sheet draped over her. She could feel, on the outside,
as though surrounding her, how cold it was, but she felt only warmth.
There was a reason for that and the reason forced her eyes open, startled her
unhurried rousing into waking with a start. Her head throbbed and her mouth felt
dry and she was pinned to the couch, Stephanie Hwang draped over her. It was
not, she admitted with some sheepishness, the first time she had woken up with a
hangover after spending the night with a girl, but it was, to the best of her
recollection, one of very few times she had woken up with her clothes still on, which
she supposed was a small victory.
The presence of clothes was the second thing she noticedafter the snowand if
she hadnt been so very hungover and dumbfounded with terror she might have
thought to congratulate herself for her willpower. As it was, the part of her brain that
hadnt devoted itself to viciously hating the painful hammering in her skull was
preoccupied with a blank, dawning sort of dread that intensified like a supernova
the longer she let it sit in her head. Tiffany stirred; her arms clutched Taeyeon
tighter around the waist, her nose brushed against Taeyeons collarbone, and
Taeyeon could only hold her breath and hope, sort of dimly and stupidly, that she
would never wake up. Or that, more realistically, she, Taeyeon, could figure out a
way to extricate herself from the couch without waking Tiffany; if she escaped,
maybe Tiffany would awake and assume it had all been a dream.
Because truthfully, if it wasn't for the insanely uncomfortable position she had
woken up in and the numb, oddly bruised feeling of her lips, she would assume it
was a dream. It was certainly a common enough dream, and waking up from it was
easier the more she did it, but she hadnt been so drunk last night that she couldnt
remember what had happened. She prayed that she wasnt remembering it wrong,
that it hadnt been one more in a string of confusing attempts to look for something
that wasnt there. She hadnt initiated it. She pressed her memory so hard it made
her head ache more. She hadnt. She hadnt. Tiffany had. Tiffany had kissed her.
The breath left her lungs, then, in a strange and ecstatic rush. She had to get away.
This was too much to think about, and it would be impossible enough if the
pounding headache was all she had to worry about, but she had Tiffanys warmth
and the softness of her skin and the scent of her hair to strangle her thoughts.
She slid, experimentally, out from underneath Tiffany the barest of inches. It would
be difficult, but she could do this, and it wasnt the first time she had made an exit
without being noticed and Tiffany was a fairly heavy sleeper and if she could just be
slightly less terrified and stop trembling she knew it would be a million times
easiershe nudged herself out a bit further
Good morning.
She froze.

Tiffany blinked sleepily at her and then yawned, lifting her head. Taeyeon stared at
her, terrified.
Good morning, she attempted, but her voice broke halfway through. She cleared
her throat.
Going somewhere? Tiffany asked through a yawn, dropping her head back down
on Taeyeons shoulder.
Taeyeons mind raced. She suddenly felt very aware of her hands, which were
weird things to suddenly be aware of, but where in the world was she supposed to
put them? She felt Tiffany huddle closer, tighten her arms around Taeyeons waist,
and Taeyeon, very uselessly and stupidly, wondered about where she should put
her hands.
Oh, um, she said vaguely, her mind circling around the question. My head hurts. I
was going to get medicine.
Youre hungover, Tiffany mumbled.
Its true, Taeyeon agreed. She pressed her hands tight against her sides.
You were drunk, Tiffany added.
Also true.
You said you quit drinking.
Extenuating circumstances, Taeyeon admitted. Tiffany
Cold.
It snowed, she explained. Her muscles felt tense. This was a bad place to fall
asleep. Tiffany
Tiffany laughed a little and then lifted her head, again. Her eyes were bleary with
sleep but they were eyes you could look into forever, until you were blind. She
smiled a little. Maybe it was the hangover, maybe it was the exhaustion, maybe it
was the dizzying feeling of constant confusion, or maybe it was just because it was
Tiffany and Tiffany was smiling, but the sight of it stunned Taeyeon into
submission.
Tiffany kissed her. Taeyeon clutched her forearm tightly, feeling the world turn. This
was something she was going to have to wake up from, and in a way, she hoped
she would and hoped she wouldnt. This was too confusing. Tiffanys lips were soft,
deliberate, dragging down her jawline, pressing underneath her chin.
Tiffany, she said, hesitant, and her voice sounded hollow in the room.
Hmm.
What arewhat arewhat is this?

She didnt want to stop her, really, for anything in the world, but she had to know.
She was about to drive herself crazy. Thoughts were suddenly incapable of staying
with her for very long. Her mind did not deal with the unknown very well. She felt
herself grip Tiffanys forearm tighter.
Tiffany paused, her lips still, and then resumed, now pressing a kiss behind
Taeyeons ear.
Isnt this what you want, she breathed.
Is it what you want?
Tiffany lifted her head. Her eyes were dark. Would I be doing this if it wasnt what I
wanted?
You tell me.
Tiffany looked at her for a long time. She smiled. Youre hurting me, she said
gently.
Taeyeon blinked at her. What?
My arm.
Oh. She hadnt realized how tightly, desperately, she had been clutching Tiffanys
arm. She let go. Sorry, I
Taeyeon. Tiffany laced their fingers together. Her hands were cold, but the action
wasnt. You mean so much to me.
She felt warm beneath her skin. That Thats not an answer.
Tiffany shook her head. Her smile didnt waver. You think too much.
So Ive been told. But still
Taeyeon, Tiffany pressed her into the couch. Stop talking.
That was easy, sort of, even if she had reservations, because when the girl youve
been in love with since you were fifteen years old wants you to shut up and kiss
her, thats pretty much the only thing you do. Even if her head hurt so much she
thought she would go blind and her back ached from the uncomfortable position on
the couch, she felt suddenly numb with warmth, humming and buzzing like maybe
she was drunk again, like Tiffany pressed against her with her skin and her mouth
and the scent of her hair had made her drunk.
Maybe she was still asleep and maybe she would never wake up.
Im vibrating, Tiffany mumbled against her lips.
Oh, Taeyeon replied, thats, um, a weird feature.

Its my phone, hold on. She used her arm to lift herself up and fished her phone
out of her sweatshirt pocket.
Hello?
She sat up, suddenly backlit. The window behind her, the blinding white snow, and
her hair mussed with sleep, her lips red and swollenTaeyeon swallowed hard.
Had to wake up.
Tiffany cursed under her breath, holding her phone to her ear. I forgot, Im sorry.
Can we reschedule? The absence of her warmth made Taeyeon shiver as she
watched Tiffany frown, run a hand through her hair.
Im really sorry, but it was so short notice anyway, she told whoever was on the
phone. Any time, like, later todayno, not now, ImIm busy. She locked eyes
with Taeyeon briefly and Taeyeon felt her body flush, there in the cold, still air.
Okay. Okay. Sorry, oppa. Yes, bye.
She dropped her phone carelessly on the floor and within seconds she was back in
Taeyeons space, filling her arms and smelling like sleep and heat; Sorry about
that, she murmured dismissively, and covered Taeyeons mouth with her own once
again. Taeyeon stiffened, feeling Tiffanys hand cupping her face, her lips warm.
Tiffany, she tried to say in the space between their lips, can weTiffanycan we
talk?
Her fingers were cold as they brushed her neck and then collarbone. She kissed
the shell of Taeyeons ear. About?
Um, what She had to break away, attempting to put a little distance between
them; otherwise, she would never get this out. Tiffany sighed, impatiently, but
shifted to move off of her anyway. The distance helped Taeyeon to think better
almost immediately. She stood, feeling dizzy; it made the blood rush to her head
immediately, but at least that meant her blood was moving.
Taeyeon.
Tiffany was looking up at her expectantly from the couch.
You said you wanted to talk.
Right, Taeyeon said, dazed, and wondering why she was trying so hard to be
level-headed and responsible when Tiffany was there, five feet away, and Tiffany
was willing, and Tiffany's mouth was willing, and she had only wanted this for as
long as she could remember. What, um what arehey, who was that on the
phone?
Jooyoung oppa.
Oh. Did you have a schedule this morning?

I was supposed to go to a meeting? Tiffany said absently. But I forgot to set my

alarm last night. I was distracted.
Ah, Taeyeon said, embarrassed. Meeting? What for?
Tiffany shrugged. He just said be ready, and I forgot. Someone in product
development, I think?
Oh. Taeyeon wrapped her arms around herself, shivering in the cold. Choi
Junghee?
I think thats who it was, Tiffany agreed, standing. She was back in Taeyeons
space, Taeyeon noted with trepidation, and the ability to think would disappear in
no time, she was sure of it. She put her arms around Taeyeons shoulders, lowered
her head. Cold?
Yes. Hes the head of that department. Weve never had to work with him
individually so you probably havent met him.
Do you know him? Tiffany asked, not seeming overly interested. She was too
close, but at least Taeyeon felt warmer.
I met him a few months ago, she replied. She had met with Choi Junghee when
she had first been encouraged to begin production on a solo album. He was in
charge of artist development and the meeting had mostly been about how Taeyeon
could differentiate herself as a solo artist, marketing-wise. They want you to
release a solo album.
Thats news to me, Tiffany said, raising her eyebrows. She clasped her hands
behind Taeyeons neck. They were cold, cold, the only part of her that was cold.
Taeyeon felt strangely unsettled, but wasnt sure why. It made sense for Tiffany to
release a solo album. Juhyun had. It was smart. It didnt change anything. Its a
good idea, she told Tiffany. Good luck.
Tiffany nodded, as though she had stopped listening. Her eyes were so dark.
Taeyeon had never seen them that dark, although she supposed it was possible
she had just never seen them this close. The hair on the back of her neck stood up
as Tiffanys head dipped down and her eyes closed and her lips were firm and they
took their time. Each time, she felt undone, stupid, like she had never kissed
anyone before; each time, her mind became fuzzy and her hands shook.
Tiffany, she tried again, with great difficulty. The part of her brain that was fifteen
years old asked her why she kept stopping. Tiffany.
Yes.
What, um, whatwhat is thisI meanwhat are we
Well, Im Tiffany, she replied languidly, brushing her lips against Taeyeons jaw.
And youre Taeyeon.

Right.
And this is kissing.
But Tiffany had pulled back far enough to look into her eyes and Taeyeon
caught them searchingly. It didn't make sense. She had spent so long looking at
Tiffany, being looked at by Tiffany felt somehow wrong. Why? SuddenlyI justI
dontdo you even The patience in Tiffany's expression surprised her, and the
surprise made her blunt: Please dont play with my feelings.
Tiffany looked at her for a long moment. Her eyes had become very sad. I wouldnt
do that.
Why did you kiss me?
Because, I wanted to.
Why?
Because I thought that if I didnt, I would miss my chance.
Taeyeon narrowed her eyes. Your your chance.
Look. Tiffany looked at the floor. This isnt easy for me, okay.
Yeah, its totally simple for me, Taeyeon shot back sarcastically.
I mean, I know thatI justI could spend the rest of my life trying to understand
how I feel about you, and by the time I figure it out, it could be too late. Taeyeon
could hear how hard she swallowed. And its not fair to you.
And how do you feel?
Tiffany wouldnt meet her eyes. She shifted uncomfortably. I dont know. I just
want to be with you, all the time. I dont want other people to have you because I
want you to belong to me. I want to make you happy. I dont think I can, but its
what I want for you.
Taeyeon only looked at her silently, trying to understand. Her brain felt blocked off
from her heart suddenly, like it didnt want to believe what it was feeling. Tiffany
squirmed under her gaze.
You make me happy, Taeyeon, she admitted quietly. You make me feela lot of
things. Its confusing.
Confusing? Taeyeon repeated.
When I think of you with other people, I get angry. Not angrysad. Orfrustrated.
I know I keep telling you to get over me, and I know youre going to say its selfish
of me, butbut youre supposed to belong to me. She met Taeyeons eyes. Even
if I cant ever be good enough, youre supposed to be mine.

Taeyeons tongue felt heavy. Yours? Youryour what? Your best friend? Your
Just mine, Tiffany said quietly. She rested her forehead against Taeyeons and
closed her eyes. Her eyelashes, even without makeup, were long and graceful
against her skin. Taeyeons breath caught. Mine, Tiffany murmured again.
At long last her eyes fluttered open and Taeyeon nearly shut her own in response
because looking into them this close up was like looking into the eye of the storm.
She watched with careful, hesitant fascination as Tiffany wet her lips. They were
shaking.
Im sorry I dont have a better explanation for you, Tiffany said softly, and the
words whispered along Taeyeons lips. Ive lain awake in bed at night trying to
figure it out. Maybe it would be easier for me if I let you go, but I cant do that. You
belong to me.
Taeyeons heart beat quickly. She felt Tiffanys lips and nose brush against hers
like warm air and her eyes closed again, she inhaled raggedly.
It wasnt anything she didnt know already, she reminded herself. She had
belonged to Tiffany, heart and soul, since the moment she had met her. She had
tried, tirelessly, to give herself to others, but it was impossible. Every part of her
belonged to Tiffany, would always belong to Tiffany.
Did Tiffany belong to her, though, was the question she was afraid to ask.
Okay, she said, simply. She felt off-balance, as though leaping into something
very dangerous, and her mind protested reflexively. Still, her body angled inward,
could not keep itself away from Tiffany, and every part of her ached to be closer.
Her mind blanked and the hair on her arms stood up. Okay, she said again, more
in an effort to occupy her mouth.
But Tiffany had other thoughts in mind and pressed her lips against Taeyeons
sweetly, warm but restrained. Okay, she agreed. Butslow, Taeyeon. Okay?
Okay, Taeyeon repeated robotically, her mouth feeling numb. Slow. Right.
I have to go, Tiffany said apologetically. She held the back of Taeyeons neck with
one hand and held her close, kept their foreheads pressed together. At last, she
released her, stepping backward with a heavy sigh. Sorry. This meeting.
Right, Taeyeon said, trying to pull herself together. She had never felt this out of
control before. To want someone as badly as she had wanted Tiffany for what felt
like her entire life, and then to have her within arms reachit was maddening. She
was surprised her head hadnt exploded, even as the throbbing intensified against
her skull. Right. Were scheduled for studio time at 2:00, though, dont forget.
She straightened and tried to climb clumsily back into her professional skin. Idol
group leader, perfectionist lead singer, responsible teammateanything that wasnt
a teenager aching with desire. She swallowed hard. Dont forget, she repeated.
Tiffany smiled, all straight white teeth and glowing skin and stupid, pretty

eyelashes. I wont. Her face fell suddenly as she looked Taeyeon over. Are you
okay? Youre shaking.
Huh? Yes. No. Yes, Im fine, its cold, you should goyou should go nowand I
will take a cold shower andsee you in a few hoursso please goplease
Tiffany laughed, taking another step backward. It was amazing how one full step
back was enough to allow Taeyeon to think straight again.
She watched Tiffany disappear into her bedroom to get dressed and then
wandered into the kitchen, dazed. She took medicine for her headache and washed
it down with water. Once she started drinking, she couldnt stop. She refilled her
glass over and over, drinking each one down until she ran out of breath, then
gulping in enough air before drinking more. She felt painfully weak, but reasoned
that she hadnt eaten in quite awhile. She put her head against the cool surface of
the refrigerator; freezing as she was, her head felt warm, feverish. She stood for
several moments, dragging her mind through it second by second.
By the time she had recovered and came out of the kitchen, Tiffany had already
left, her bag and coat gone from the front hall. She had brought in the mail as well.
Taeyeons hands went to the large pocket envelope instinctively, because she
knew what it was.
Her hands still felt numb, and her fingers felt cold as she tore the envelope open
and held the contract in her hands. The throbbing in her head was suddenly so
painful she felt as though she could hear it, could feel it in her entire body.

chapter seventeen
Of the many dance routines she had perfected over the years, Taeyeon found this
one the most difficult.
When she was eighteen years old, broadcast network headquarters were like
mazeswhat seemed like hundreds of interlocking corridors stuffed with people, all
of whom you had to greet lest you develop a reputation. It had taken her forever to
find her way around any of them without a manager or another member present,
but now she could maneuver most of them with her eyes closed, just as most of the
choreography she had memorized was instinctual now, her muscles mechanical.
She didnt need to think; she just did.
Instinct didnt solve puzzles, though, and it was a maze of puzzles; in place of loops
and traps were young juniors who had debuted after her, all of whom wanted to
show the proper respect by showering her with attention. She remembered being
newly debuted, when everyone was her senior, and she remembered the
enthusiasm well. Now, on any given day, she was one of the most senior idols in
the backstage corridors, and this was a responsibility and burden all by itself. This
was difficult choreography as well, juggling the business of getting where you
wanted without being noticed and the business of not being noticed without looking
like that was what you wanted. It was easy to develop a reputation of being
unfriendly, and sometimes the pressure of being a good senior was one of the most
burdensome aspects of the job.
Singing was easy. Performing was easy. Concerts were lifeblood. But the industry
was a social community all its own, with its own societal expectations, and that had
maybe been the most difficult thing all along.
She had hoped that wearing no make-up and pulling her cap low over her face
would at least ensure that few people recognized her, and it seemed to work. As
she piloted the corridors quickly, she could feel eyes on her, a series of quick
second glanceswas it herit cant be her, shes not promoting anythingwhy
would she be here without a managerwhy would she be here at allbut the itchy
feeling of eyes on her was a feeling more familiar to Taeyeon than breathing in and
out.
She stopped at the door she had been looking for, double-checking the name
printed on the sheet. The last time she had been this unfamiliar with rookie idol
groups had been because theyd spent most of the year in Japan. She really had
no such excuse this timeshe was a radio DJ, in all fairnessexcept that she was
still trying to shake off the apathy that Tiffanys three-month long absence had
wrapped her in. The name was only vaguely familiar and she had made Jinri repeat
it several times to make sure she wouldnt get it wrong.
She knocked twice and then stepped in; it took the occupants a moment to
recognize her and then three teenage girls flung themselves into ninety-degree
bows. She responded, uncomfortably, having hoped they would have gone onstage
by now. The average age among them was probably sixteen. When they had
straightened she realized that she did, in fact, recognize one of them, as her picture

had come alongside Taeyeons own in a recent news articleThe Next Taeyeon,
the headline had said. Well, okay, thenyoung talent was something that had
always interested Taeyeon, but the article had left a sour taste in her mouth,
somehow. It had straddled the line between flattering and presumptuous, maybe;
the idea of being a standard to be held to was nice, the idea of becoming obsolete
and needing a replacement was less nice.
It wasnt ego, or maybe it was. It just wasnt something she had thought herself
capable of. Whatever it was, it hadnt made her want to hear their song, at the time.
Luckily, the group seemed so nervous about their upcoming performance that their
initial excitement over seeing her had worn off quickly. The three of them stood out
like glittering diamonds among rocks, their flashy stage costumes a startling
contrast to the swarm of staff milling around the waiting room. She felt sorry, for her
presence seemed to have distracted them all, and the girls had made their backs
straight like sharp rods, as though she would scold them for bad posture or
something. At any rate, she had not come to visit them, and they certainly knew
that, so she tried to be polite without being approachable.
The prettiest one had sat back down to get her hair done and Taeyeons stomach
felt strange as she approached.
Hello, she said.
Hyejin didnt look up from the work she was doing with a curling iron. Whats up,
she asked around a mouth full of hairpins. Taeyeon twisted her hands awkwardly,
watching her work. She could see the shaking of the teenage girls shoulders
beneath the spill of her glossy hair. Her presence was a burden, Taeyeon realized.
Nothing. Just stopping by.
She watched Hyejin work. She was reminded, all at once, of the first time they had
met, and how weird, how singularly expectant she had felt then. She put her hands
in her pockets, finding nothing else to do.
Hyejin finally glanced up at her, making brief eye contact. Youll have to give me a
minute.
Yeah, no problem. Sorry.
How did you know I was here?
Oh. I called Jinri, she said you picked up some extra work, so I asked her where
youd be. I didnt know they filmed a music show this early, she said vaguely,
trailing off.
All that for me? Hyejin asked wryly. You couldve just texted me and asked where
I was.
Yeah, but I Taeyeon shrugged. She had thought Hyejin might not want to see
her after she had been so stupid the night before. But the hair Hyejin was combing
was attached to a head (obviously), and the head had ears and a mouth. Rookies

talked, maybe more than anyone. No one needed to hear about it. I had to stop by
the building anyway, she lied.
Hyejin shrugged and nodded. She picked up a bottle of hairspray. Close your
eyes.
Taeyeon obeyed, her spine feeling rigid in anticipation.
Not you. A laugh. Taeyeon.
Her eyes shot open. A cloud of hairspray came up between them. She blushed.
Oh. Right. Ill let you work.
She stood aside. She thought maybe these girls had debuted only a few weeks
ago. They kept eyeing her. She wondered what she would have thought if a senior
singer had hung around her dressing room conspicuously back during the first few
weeks of her career. She wondered what a group of young girls thought about her,
about all nine of them, at all. Did they think they were all washed up? Too old to be
idols, still? Beyond idols? It had been many years and they were arguably still on
top; did this garner respect? Fear? Weariness? Did they think they were
overstaying their welcome? Was it that middling feeling, that feeling of undeniable
respect mixed with impatience, when will they just give up and just let the whole
thing go.
Oddly, that was what she worried about the most, not waning popularity. They were
no longer at their peak, really, but their peak had been so high that she knew,
somehow, it would never dip very low. She didnt worry very much about their
popularity declining so much as she worried about their image if they stayed in one
place too long. To still be an idol group at their age was silly, but it was a selfconscious, tongue-in-cheek sort of silly, at least. What she really worried, though,
was that maybe the public wanted them to move on. Maybe it was what they
expected. Maybe they would release this album in a few months and the reaction
would be Ah still, huh? Well, Ill buy it, but this is verging on excessive.
She liked the energy in the room. It was electric, charged. She remembered that
well. It wasnt just the first few weeks. It was the first few months, years. Less as
time went on, but she could remember it, even up to four years into the business,
standing in waiting rooms and feeling alive, the blood rushing. They called it
adrenaline but it was more than that, it was like waking up from a deep sleep to find
yourself right where you belonged. Even when you were exhausted, it was like
being awake for the first time.
When Hyejin was finished she beckoned Taeyeon over. They were silent for some
time. The rookies chattered in flush excitement. Taeyeon sat down and spun in the
chair idly. The girls were rushed out of the room and a decent amount of staff
followed; the exit settled like a damp silence. She felt Hyejin removing her cap and
then her fingers were in Taeyeons hair, running down the length of it. Her comb
pressed gently against her scalp and she slid it all the way down, examined the
ends.
You need to use more conditioner, she said, idly, seriously. What are you using?

The stuff I advertise.

But that stuffs terrible. You dont have to, its not like people will know you dont
really use it.
Yeah, but I got like, ten bottles for free, Taeyeon said, frowning. Hyejin had
searched the table for a bottle of something; she put some in her hands and was
working it into Taeyeons hair. They were silent for awhile. The room wasnt empty,
but they were as good as alone here in the corner, the music show loudly blaring
through the closed-circuit television. Taeyeon watched Hyejins hands through the
mirror. She realized how good she had become at staring into mirrors without really
looking at herself. There was a whole world in there and she was just one
forgettable person.
Hyejin cleared her throat after some time. It almost made Taeyeon laugh; the action
was so similar to her own.
You seem like you want to break up with me, Hyejin said casually, combing her
fingers through Taeyeons hair. Which is weird, because Im not your girlfriend.
Taeyeon tried to relax. What?
Your whole vibe, Hyejin explained. Its like you came all the way here to tell me
something important. Either that or you found the lack of volume in your hair
depressing and knew only one person could help you.
Itsno, itsneitherII have volume in my hair
If you say so, Hyejin replied with a note of disbelief. She ruffled the top of her
head and then worked more product in.
I just, uh, wanted to apologize for the other night.
Hyejin made eye contact with her in the mirror. Apologize?
Yeah.
Why? Her voice was calm. Its not the first time you came over drunk, or looking
for sex, or both.
Taeyeon flushed. She cleared her throat. Either way, sorry.
Let me trim off your split ends and Ill accept your apology.
Okay.
Hyejin looked for scissors. Taeyeon clasped her hands in her lap and watched her.
Why had she come here? Maybe an apology through text was too impersonal, but
she knew that wasnt it. She had wanted to see her. She wasnt sure why. This
morning with Tiffany had left her disorientedwhich was understating it a bit. It felt
weird to look at people when her heart felt this strangely light and heavy, her mind

this strangely clear and clouded. Even her fathers voice had sounded strange to
her when shed called him and asked for his regular lawyers phone number. Brand
new eyes, brand new ears, brand new skin; the back of her neck felt sensitive
where Hyejins fingers brushed as she combed her hair. She remembered Tiffanys
hands, her fingers so cold and soft, the scratch of her nails.
You seem different, Hyejin said. She combed Taeyeons hair out thoroughly. Her
tone was restrained, cautious.
Taeyeon held her breath. Differenthow?
Hyejin shrugged. She put a towel around Taeyeons shoulders. You tell me.
She bit her lip. She wasnt sure how to say it. What was there to say? It wasnt like
she could even understand what was going on. She sighed. More and more this
morning was feeling like a lengthy dream, the kind you had while lying in bed in the
glare of mornings sunlight, drifting in and out of sleep, knowing it was just a dream
but trying to hold onto the scraps of it. Just like a dream, the more she thought
about it, the more the specifics fell apart. The more she tried to recall the
roughness of Tiffanys voice or the glittering strands of her hair, the more they
became indistinct.
When you tried too hard to commit something to memory, you distorted it, she
thought. If you held on too tight, you lost it.
I dont know, she said finally.
Were not actually dating, so you cant be breaking up with me, Hyejin murmured
idly, as though discussing the weather. She focused on Taeyeons hair. But it feels
that way to you, too, doesnt it? Right?
I She glanced at Hyejins reflection in the mirror. She was too focused on her
work to meet her gaze and so Taeyeon just studied her for a long moment. She
wished, regretfully, that she had never gotten involved with Hyejin. She got too
attached to people. It was always going to be a weakness and it wasnt going to get
better. If she had taught herself early on to not get attached to people, things would
be easier.
I think I get it, Hyejin said softly. She had begun trimming. Her hands were steady
as the scissors slid cleanly through the ends of Taeyeons hair. Well, like I said.
Were friends. If youre in a relationship with someone else, I dont mind.
Its notIm not really in a relationship, Taeyeon tried to explain, but Hyejin
smiled, laughed gently.
Its okay. She took Taeyeons earlobe between her thumb and forefinger and
pulled gently, stroking it. Her hands were warm. I get it.
I just wanted to apologize, Taeyeon said. She tried to remind herself why she had
come here. There had been a lot of girls over the years, and maybe she owed all of
them something, but Hyejin, she knewHyejin, she really owed Hyejin.

For the other night, she went on. Embarrassed. Really. I know you said I dont
have to butIm sorry. I dont want you to feel likeI wasnt using you. I wouldnt
use you. She tried to inject her words with as much sincerity as she felt. She had
never meant anything as genuinely as she meant that. Maybe that was what it was,
maybe that was why she owed Hyejin more than anything. She had used a lot of
people, she thought. Over and over again, different people, in an attempt to dull the
achebut they had used her, too, she knew. That was being an idol. An ideal.
Something for people to project their hopes and wants on; they could say they had
spent the night with Kim Taeyeon, but they didnt know Kim Taeyeon. They knew
what they wanted Kim Taeyeon to be. So they used her just as she used them.
Hyejin combed through the ends of her hair. I dont think she used me, Taeyeon
thought suddenly, and felt very sad.
All done, Hyejin said. She took the towel off Taeyeons shoulders and inspected
her hair once more. Much better. Should be even.
She wondered if Hyejin had heard her. I just want you to know, she repeated. I
would never use you.
I know.
Why are you so understanding? Taeyeon blurted. She couldnt stand to look at
herself in the mirror, not even to examine her hair. She looked down at her lap. I
mean, why do you Im such a mess, and no matter what I do, youre fine with it.
Youre not a mess. Taeyeon snorted in disbelief. All right, youre a little bit of a
mess, but youre a cute mess.
An attempt at levity. Taeyeon couldnt understand why she now felt so sad. She
had to wake up from this. She looked at her hands clasped tensely in her lap, and
felt Hyejins fingers run through her hair.
Come on, Taeyeon said at last, softly, looking up in the mirror to meet Hyejins
eyes.
Hyejin smiled. It was a sad smile. For the first time, Taeyeon noticed how guarded
she was, like she was fighting to remain casual. Hyejin looked around the waiting
room and made sure they were alone, and then she wrapped her arms around
Taeyeons shoulders from behind, kissed her temple.
I think you ask too much of yourself, she murmured into Taeyeons hair. And you
think the rest of the world is asking the same. Theyre not. Its all in your head. I
want you to realize that. I would never ask you for anything, Taeyeon.
You could, Taeyeon said earnestly, looking at her in the mirror. If you needed
something, you could ask me.
I know I could, Hyejin replied. So I wont. I care about you too much.
Taeyeon looked at her and then laughed shortly. Hyejin straightened, let go. The
sudden lack of warmth was painful.

I just Taeyeon exhaled. I do want to stay friends. But I dont want you to feel
obligated. You know? If you dont want to I mean, Id understand if you dont want
to be friends. Dont pretend just because you feel obligated, you know?
Hyejin shook her head and smiled. She had a pretty smile, when it was genuine.
Taeyeon, she sighed, soaked in reproof. She ran her fingers through Taeyeons
hair again. Dont be an idiot. Love isnt an obligation.
Taeyeon frowned, not sure what to make of her statement.
People do a lot of things out of obligation, but this isnt one of them. Its a stupidly
honest emotion. The way people feel about other people. Okay? Remember that,
okay?
Taeyeon thought maybe that was true, maybe partly. It wasnt something you could
control. She knew that better than anyone. But wasnt love a form of obligation,
anyway, she thought. Wasnt it a responsibility to bear, a burden you couldnt lift?
Thats what she thought, but she didnt say so. It made you weak. Carrying
something so heavy, for so longeventually it would make you weak.

Bad moods were contagious.

She supposed this was true with most people, but it was especially true of the
group of people she had spent the better part of her adult life with. Good teamwork
had a price, she guessed, and the synergy that made it easy for them to work
together also meant they subsumed each others worst emotions along with the
best ones.
Maybe it was the snow, which made travel in the congested city difficult, or the fact
that the studio time had been scheduled last minute and some members had
needed to cancel other engagements to make it. She suspected it was more of the
latter, since they all seemed to be indirectly pushing their ire onto her, the one who
had scheduled the studio time. It wasnt necessarily her fault; the studio engineer
they wanted to work with was busy and her schedule was tight. At notice that she
had a free afternoon, Taeyeon had jumped on it.
Whatever the reason, the atmosphere of the studio was gloomy.
Wheres Miyoung, Hyoyeon muttered impatiently, checking the clock for the tenth
time.
Taeyeon checked her phone to see if Tiffany had sent another text. She has a
meeting, she explained, and shes running late.
Wonderful.
Its fine, the studio engineer said. One of the reasons they had wanted to work

with Jihae at all was that she was laid-back and easy to work with, besides being
one of the best. Shell miss a little, but I dont need you to start laying down vocal
parts until later.
Glad to see youre alive, Jessica remarked, glancing up from her phone to give
Taeyeon a disapproving glare.
Taengoo cant be killed, Sunkyu said gravely, putting an arm around Taeyeons
shoulders.
Its true, Taeyeon agreed. Youll never understand the burden of being immortal.
Do you have any idea how worried I was when you left my apartment last night,
Jessica snapped, pouting dramatically.
Im sorry, Taeyeon said honestly. From now on Ill text you every hour, on the
hour, Still alive, for now.
Okay, joke about my sincerity and concern, Jessica whined.
I will.
Youre in a good mood, Sunkyu commented, wrapping her other arm around
Taeyeon and looking at her curiously.
Everything okay? Jessica asked meaningfully. A look passed between them. She
could trust Jessica to not tell everyone. It wasnt a secretsurely Taeyeons ability
to be a gigantic mess was no secret, she thoughtbut it was a kindness all the
same.
Taeyeon smiled briefly. Yeah, actually.
Did you and Tiffany kiss and make-up?
Taeyeon looked at her, wide-eyed.
Jessica frowned at her look. What? Are you still fighting?
No, Taeyeon said. She scratched the back of her neck. Were not fighting.
Good, Jessica said with a sigh of relief. Everyone else is already so grumpy, I
dont think I could stand having you two give each other the cold shoulder all day,
too.
No, werefine. Excuse me. Jihae had beckoned her over and she was grateful
for the reprieve, especially to talk about the album. Music was the only thing
capable of clearing her head. When she had started writing her own songs, she
had been surprised at the expressiveness she was capable of, somehow, because
she did not consider herself an inordinately expressive person. She supposed it
made sense, and it was why she had always been so drawn to singing, because it
allowed her expression in a way she couldnt achieve normally. Songwriting was
the same, but intensified. At the same time, the business of it was remarkable;

being able to divorce her feelings about her work from the business of the work was
a surprisingly easy feat. To be able to talk about a song she had poured her entire
heart and soul into as though it was a product, a commodity, was a surprising
ability.
Im surprised youre not saving that song you wrote for yourself, Jihae commented
once they had paused their discussion of the recording process.
Taeyeon worried her lip. Yeah, you and everybody else, apparently.
Do you want my opinion?
Always, unni.
Dont treat everyones opinion of that song as empty praise. You remember what it
was like when you first started writing songs, right? If its not good, no one here will
hold back telling you that.
True, Taeyeon remarked dully, still remembering the sting of rejection of her first
few compositions.
And even when a songs good, youre still going to have a difficult time of
getting this much praise over it. The fact that everyone is this favorable toward it
should tell you something. Im sure people have told you that it could really boost
your solo career, but theyre wrong. It would do more than boost it. I mean,
between you and me, she lowered her voice, checking over her shoulder to make
sure none of the other girls were listening, you could be more successful than the
group itself if you kept it for your own.
Taeyeon must have looked as troubled and surprised as she felt because Jihae
touched her shoulder, gently, apologetically.
Hey, Im just sayingits not like it would be betraying the group or anything. I
know you girls. Ive worked with a lot of idol groups. A friendship like the one you
girls share doesnt come along that often. Theyd understand. Im just sayingIm
just saying its a good song.
All the more reason for me to give it to the group, Taeyeon said, although the
praise felt warm inside her. It wasnt that she was tempted, really, but the meaning
of releasing this song as a solo song finally occurred to her. It wouldnt just be a
successful songit would be a successful song that she had written. Having a solo
career was one thing, and it wasnt something she gave much thought to beyond
the tired inevitability of it. What she really wanted, what she had always wanted,
was to be seen as a legitimate artist, and all the songwriting she had done for the
group had yet to do anything to get her there.
Jihae chuckled. Theres no shame in keeping it for yourself, she pointed out.
Sometimes youre too selfless, I think.
Taeyeon laughed. No, you dont get it. Theres nothing selfless about it, unni. Its
one of the most selfish things Ive ever done.

Yeah, but
The door opened then and the loudest person in the entire universe yelled a
greeting. Taeyeons heart skipped a beat. She would never get used to it.
Stephanie Hwang, like a sonic boom casually strolling into a room.
Unni, youre late, Juhyun said severely.
Juhyun, youre scary, Tiffany returned playfully, but her expression was a little
glum. It was easy to miss, since Tiffany was better at faking emotion than anyone,
but Taeyeon was staring so hard at her she was surprised Tiffany hadnt
spontaneously combusted from the intensity, so she noticed.
Tiffany touched her wrist, gently, briefly, as she came to sit with her. Taeyeon could
not stop looking at her. It was just like when she had come back from L.A., only this
time she hadnt seen her for a mere three hours instead of three months.
Howd the meeting go? she asked in a low tone.
It was okay, I guess, Tiffany said vaguely. She frowned. Really good, actually.
It went well. It was good. I dont really want to talk about it.
Taeyeon studied her. You have a lot to think about, I guess.
Basically. Sorry, I just She waved her hands around in vexation. Kind of
sudden.
Yeah.
I should probably tell the other girls, right?
If you want, Taeyeon replied diplomatically, thinking she was barely in a position
to give any advice considering her silence regarding the contract revision shed
been offered. She drew her lip between her teeth. The studio hummed with activity
and the air was hot and thick; it seemed like the heat had been kicked up to
unbearable levels, but it made Taeyeon breathe in and out shallowly, watching the
flutter of Tiffanys eyelashes as she examined her hands in her lap like they were
the most fascinating things in the room. It wasnt the first time shed noticed the
utter sadness that Tiffany seemed locked in so often, but it still surprised her, left
her dazed.
She wondered what Tiffany was thinking, because she wondered about what
Tiffany thought a lot. Nearly constantly. She wondered what Tiffany had expected
when she had moved to Korea. They had talked about it before, about how a ninemembered girl group was really the last thing they had ever expected as their
future. Even when they had grown used to it, even when they had fallen in love with
it, it still felt like a prelude, the opening act to an eventual solo career. She
wondered. To suddenly be handed something when your hand wasnt reaching out
for itwell, she just wonderedshe wondered, a littlewouldnt it drop, she
wondered, right out of your hand.
She wondered if that was what Tiffany was thinking. Her head was bowed

thoughtfully for a long time. Taeyeon watched her, watched the little down-curve of
her mouth, and her brow furrowed beneath the long sweep of her hair, and the way
her hands twisted uncomfortably in her lap.
She waited, because she had always waited.
Tiffany finally raised her head to meet Taeyeons eyes and smiled. Hi.
Hi.
Your hair looks different.
Taeyeon laughed, embarrassed.
Its nice.
Thanks.
I, Tiffany began to say and then thought better of it because there were people,
maybe, or because she had become shy, maybe, and Taeyeon hung on every
unsaid word. But she did smile, and it was a real smile, because Taeyeon knew the
fake ones, and kept track of them. It reached her eyes, forced them closed, and
Taeyeon thought unsteadily that even if the future was a little confusing, maybe it
didnt really matter too much. Maybe they had made a promise, once, and maybe
theyd keep it.
When they finally got started, the studio was loud with chatter and she felt Tiffany
grip the inside of her elbow, drag her close and hold her there for a moment before
releasing her. It stayed beneath her skin for a long time, not just where her
fingernails had dug in and made anxious little marks, but all over, tingling right
beneath her skin.

Working with Jihae unni was a lot easier than working with sunsaengnim, and
Taeyeon had found todays session a lot more relaxed than their previous preproduction sessions with Sunkyus uncle. It wasnt that he wasnt enjoyable to work
with, because he was, and the level of creative control he was allowing them with
this album was unbelievable compared to their last album, but he was still the
chairman of a board that wanted to dissolve a group that meant more to her than
air, and it was weird to joke and laugh with him in that context. There was an
unspoken conflict, or perhaps, more accurately, an unspoken utter lack of conflict.
He knew, and he knew that they knew, and they knew that he knew that theywell,
the point was, it was awkward.
Jihae was different. Taeyeon realized that she had begun compartmentalizing
people again, organizing them into listspeople you could trust, people you
couldnt. People who were innocent, people who were against you. Realistically,
she knew there wasnt anyone who was against them, really, and it was just
money, wasnt itthere was no malicious intent. But somehow, that was worse.
Somehow, a benevolent fight was a more difficult fight. It was rational to protest

when people wanted to hurt you, but when they were, for all intents and purposes,
trying to make your needs meet their needs, wellthatthat was business, wasnt
it?
At any rate, Jihae was close to their age, and she was female, and she had no
invested interest in whether they were a group or not, which meant she was okay.
The fact that she thought Taeyeon was a decent musician was really just a plus. It
was a little after midnight by the time they finished, with barely one song close to
done, but she still felt good. It was a much slower process than their last album
recordings, with a shared meticulousness and perfectionism, but she still felt good
about every single take theyd had that day. That had never happened before.
If this ended up being the last album they recorded together, Taeyeon thought
and the thought was quiet, quick, as though she worried someone could read her
mindit would definitely be their best.
It was a little after midnight when they finished up. Strangely, the ten hours that
passed had felt a million times shorter. Taeyeon felt awake, alert, exhilarated in a
way she had never felt after a recording session that long. She couldnt even
imagine sleeping.
Okay, thats it for today. Jihae looked pretty cheerful, which Taeyeon found
encouraging. I know my schedule is terrible right now, and Im really sorry about it,
but if you guys compile your schedules and send them to me or the producer, Ill
definitely make a decent recording schedule happen. Okay?
We can do that, Tiffany agreed.
Unni, do you want to go out, get something to drink? Taeyeon asked with a frown,
watching Jihae gather her things. She hopped up and down until Hyoyeon put a
heavy arm around her shoulders to lock her down. Even then, she bent her knees
up and down restlessly.
Rain-check? Jihae reached out to ruffle Taeyeons hair. Definitely another time.
You guys were excellent today, so good you sucked all the energy out of me, she
joked. Im going to get some sleep, dont forget to give me your schedules.
They set about cleaning up once she was gone, but the collective gloominess from
earlier seemed to have mutated into a bizarrely cheery mood of mockery, at least
where certain people were concerned.
Unni, do you want to get something to drink? Yuri imitated.
Taeyeon frowned. Hey.
Unni, Yoona added, her voice high-pitched. Recording music gets me so hot,
lets go back to my place
Wait, first of all, thats not how my voice sounds, Taeyeon protested.
Thats true, Hyoyeon agreed, its completely inaccurate.

And secondly, its not like that at all, I didnt mean the two of us, I meant all of us
could go
All of us, and then the two of you could leave
No, I meant it in a professional way, Taeyeon pouted. Im not
Shouldnt we be discussing our schedules, Tiffany said quietly, folding her arms
over her chest. Taeyeon glanced at her, frowning.
Right, Taeyeon said, taking a seat and reaching for her planner. She uncapped
her pen, feeling uneasy under Tiffanys aloof gaze. Itd be easier if we can make
ourselves available for unni, so we can look at the next week or so, and
Im filming all week, Sooyoung said.
Even on Saturday?
No, not on Saturday, but Yuri
Yeah, I have thatmeeting, Yuri said evasively, pulling her phone out of her
pocket to check her schedule. But I can record some of my parts separately, if I
need to, so if the rest of you are free
How long is the meeting?
I dont know, Yuri replied quickly. And then she laughed nervously. She examined
her nails. Its not a meeting actually, Im going in to record a song.
They were silent for a moment.
Oh, Sooyoung said eloquently.
Solo song? Tiffany prompted.
Yeah, Yuri said slowly and then looked at Taeyeon apologetically. Its just a
digital single. Ill probably just promote it for a month. Either February or March,
or
She trailed off uncomfortably. Taeyeon twirled her pen too quickly and it fell into her
lap. She picked it up, nodding absently. You dont have to explain anything to me.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
That sounds cool, Hyoyeon said.
The mood had become awkward. Jessica poked Yuri in the stomach. Thats big
news, she said with tactful deliberation, wrapping her arms around Yuris waist.
Since when dont you share big news with us?
Yuri laughed so nervously that it made Taeyeon feel bad. Since this whole you

know, it feels weird, accepting solo work, even if its just a one-off thing.
Theres nothing to feel bad about.
Yeah, Sunkyu agreed. I dont think thischanges anything. And thats really cool
news. We should be sharing cool news with each other.
They lapsed into silence. Someone cleared their throat. Taeyeon felt her earlier
excess in energy immediately draining out of her. Tiffany caught her eye.
Okay, so we dont have to do it this week, Taeyeon said abruptly, making a note
of Sooyoungs and Yuris schedules, if youre going to be shooting all week,
Sooyoung
Sorry.
Dont be sorry. Beginning of week is bad for me, Ill make a note of thatwhat
about after Thursday?
Yoona glanced at Jessica. Jessica looked down guiltily. Taeyeon shifted in her
seat.
Okay, Jessicas busy? she asked, trying not to feel impatient.
Thursday and Friday, Jessica said hastily. But Saturday should be okay.
No, because Sunkyu is going to be filming on Saturday, Taeyeon said with a sigh.
So
Well, on Thursday its just a meeting.
Who are you meeting with? Tiffany asked her.
UmI think its a lot of different people Jessica said haltingly. Maybe its
Taeyeon was getting tired of this, and she was pretty sure she had figured it out.
Youre meeting with the head of artist development, Taeyeon finished for her. To
develop your image as a soloist. Ive met with him, so has Juhyun.
And me, Tiffany said quietly.
And Fany. Who else is meeting with him at some point?
She didnt need to look at them to knowit was all of them. She rubbed the back of
her neck where it had become tense. Everyone was looking at her guiltily as though
they felt they were betraying her. Betraying the group, maybebut mostly her. That
was why it felt weird; all of their guilt was directed toward her. She closed her
planner.
Thats really great, she said quietly, sincerely, and theres nothing wrong with it.
The only thing wrong here is that were keeping secrets from one another.

She thought, at that moment, that it was the perfect time to bring up the contract
revision shed been offered but her tongue felt heavy in her mouth. She swallowed.
What if they took it the wrong way? Just because she had been offered it didnt
mean she was considering it, andanother thought occurred to her. There was no
reason to believe she was the only member who had been offered a contract
revision, and their silence about their individual activities wasnt reassuring.
Youre paranoid, she told herself.
Look, okay, lets get one thing straight. You are all free to pursue solo
opportunities. I think we all encourage it. No one here is going to judge anyone for
wanting to establish a solo career, so theres no need to be secretive about it.
Right?
I guess it just seems wrong, Sooyoung pointed out, when we knowI mean, isnt
it kind of playing into their hands? They want to break us apart and promote us as
soloists, and were all willingly going along with it?
Its okay to want both, Taeyeon mumbled. Its not fair of them to break us up if we
can do both. We should probably be proving that we can do both. I mean, do solo
stuff all you want, guys, and if were serious about a summer release date for this
album, you definitely have plenty of time. But if you arent willing to make time to
work on it, how are they going to see the point in keeping us together as a group?
She wasnt sure why she had to be the one to say this. If they all wanted the same
things as her, why did she feel like she was begging them to care?
I dont want to hold you back, she finished softly. I dont think anyone wants that.
Im excited that youre recording a single, Yuri.
Yuris smile was relieved. Thanks.
All right. Her tone was sharper than she had intended. She was eager to end this
before she got annoyed. She stood, grabbing her stuff. Lets stop here, you guys
can text me your schedules and Ill just shove it all at unni and let her decide a
recording schedule. Okay?
She didnt lose her temper until she was in the elevator, jabbing at the ground floor
button like it had insulted her.
Hey Tiffany said shortly, shoving her arm between the elevator doors before
they could close. Taeyeon moved aside to make room for her. Tiffany nudged her
in the ribs.
Take it easy, she said in a soft murmur. When Taeyeon didnt respond, she
nudged her again, and then again.
Tickles, Taeyeon snapped, slapping her hand away.
Sosmile, Tiffany said, nudging her again.
Ill smile after I kill you, Taeyeon said conversationally, slapping her hand away

again.
Okay, Tiffany agreed, now switching to poking at her cheek. Smile. Smile.
No one will hear your cries for help in this elevator, Taeyeon replied.
Theres a security camera, Tiffany pointed out, so youll still go to jail. Smile.
At least I wont have to smile in jailwhat are you doing?
There was a click and a flash. Tiffany lowered her phone and began typing.
Texting a picture of your sad, stupid face to your mother.
Hey
Mom, save me, Tiffany narrated as she typed.
Leave my mother alone.
Smile.
She smiled tightly. Hows that.
Tiffany looked at her silently and then pocketed her phone. Very cute,
unfortunately.
The elevator doors opened and she walked briskly past Taeyeon. Watching her go,
Taeyeon took a breath so extended the elevator doors nearly closed on her. She
felt a bit lighter, suddenly, and hurried to catch up with Tiffany.
Do you want to get something to drink? she asked, wincing at the blast of cold air
when they stepped into the parking garage.
Tiffany glanced at her. Wouldnt you rather go drink with Jihae unni, she
wondered dryly.
Taeyeon frowned, exasperated. Come on. Not you, too. I expect that from them,
not from you.
Sorry. She seemed to mean it. She looked down at the ground. Do you want to
take my car or yours?
Are we getting a drink?
No, were going home. Youre not drinking anymore, remember?
She remembered. Yours.
They were silent in the car. Tiffany turned the heat on high and it blew out noisily,
too loud for conversation. Taeyeon slouched down in her coat, pulling the sleeves
over her hands and wrapping her arms tightly around herself. When she ventured a
glance over at Tiffany she found her staring blankly at the steering wheel, lost in

thought.
Did you forget how to drive? Taeyeon asked her.
Tiffany turned, blinking. Snapped out of it. What?
Taeyeon turned the heat down a little, quieting the car. Are you okay?
Yeah. She sat back in her seat at last, settling her hands atop the steering wheel
and glancing back before she pulled out of the parking spot. Yeah. Yeah, Im okay.
Sorry. This has been a weird day.
Taeyeon frowned. Yeah.
I mean. Tiffany glanced at her awkwardly. Not this morning. That wasnt weird.
It was a little weird, Taeyeon pointed out.
Yeah, but notbad weird. Not that the rest of the day was bad weird. It was more
like, ambivalent weird, and this morning was good weird, and then the rest of the
day was like, unexpected weird, and then disappointed weird, and now its like
weirdin aI dont know She had pulled over abruptly, barely out of the parking
garage to begin with, and threw the car back into park. Her shoulders were up near
her ears and her body was strung tight.
Taeyeon looked at her, wide-eyed. What
Im sorry, I mean, being alone with you right now, its really weird for me.
Im confiscating the word weird from your vocabulary, Taeyeon muttered,
perplexed. I dont understand, weve been alone together before.
Yeah, but its different when youre like, my best friend, Taeyeon.
Im not your best friend anymore?
Dont play dumb, Tiffany said with a frown. Im not thinking about you in a friend
context right now.
I dont need to play dumb, it comes naturally, Taeyeon replied. She could feel the
hair on her arms standing up beneath the layers of clothes, even though the car
had warmed up by now. I need things explained to me slowly. What kind of
context
Stop, Tiffany whined, its weird
Stop saying weird she tried to say but Tiffany had grabbed the collar of her coat
and yanked her over so forcefully she nearly fell into the gear shift. She could
barely catch her breath before Tiffanys lips were pressed hard against hers, so
hard their teeth met and Taeyeon winced. Her palm struck the drivers side window
in an effort to keep herself from collapsing onto Tiffany entirely and it stung and
throbbed from the tips of her fingers all the way to her mouth where Tiffany had

seized her.
Tiffany kissed like she was fighting. Taeyeon had never kissed anyone with this
much longing, this much forcefulness; she felt her fingers slipping from their
purchase against the window and was suddenly, dizzily, reminded of the outside
world.
WaitTiffany she tried to say, wet and tumbling into Tiffanys mouth
someone might see
The windows are tinted, Tiffany said confidently, dismissively, and put her hand
behind Taeyeons neck to press her closer. She was gentler this time, compliant, as
though urging Taeyeon to take control. Which was dangerous, Taeyeon thought,
because she was completely devoid of any sense of control when in Tiffanys
presence.
Still, she tried again and felt more than heard Tiffany groan.
Sorry, Tiffany mumbled breathlessly, tightly, sorryyoure just
youre really good at this. Did you know that? She pulled back and then kissed her
again, more restrained. Can I take credit for that, at least, a little, I mean, I did
teach you
If you want, Taeyeon laughed. With difficulty she pulled away, using her hand on
the window as leverage to push herself back into her own seat. She felt strange,
but she felt better. Her annoyance with the rest of the group was dissipatingsort
ofand the feeling that had been twisting in her stomach all day had relaxed,
spreading warm through her body.
It was after midnight and the roads werent too crowded. Tiffany maneuvered
through the sparse traffic easily. Taeyeon fiddled with the heat, and then with the
music, and then the door locks until Tiffany slapped her hand away. She didnt pull
away, though, her fingers grazing the back of Taeyeons hand before she took it,
pulled it into her own lap and held them both there against her thigh while she
drove.
Tiffanys hands were always cold. Taeyeon looked at them, at the anxious press of
Tiffanys fingers against the back of own hand. She was right. It was weird.
You can tell me, you know, Tiffany said conversationally, eyes on the road, if you
dont want me to work on a solo album.
I want you to do what you want, she replied honestly.
And the rest of the girls?
I want them to do what they want. Just because I dont want it doesnt mean you
guys cant.
And why dont you? Her fingers pressed tightly against Taeyeons hand now, as
though afraid she would try to pull away.

I dont know. That was honest, too. She really didnt. Maybe she did want it.
Performing was performing, music was music. There were things she could do solo
that she would never be able to do with the groupshe knew that. There was no
fear of failure. She knew she would be successfulit wasnt arrogance, it was
common sense. Still, she didnt quite know what it was.
She looked at her hand beneath Tiffanys. If she couldnt hold them in one place,
hold them there with her indefinitely, where would they go? Maybe she understood,
a little, that fear of losing someone if you didnt hold on tightly enough.
I want you to do a solo album, she told Tiffany softly. I want all of you toI mean,
do any solo things you want. Really. Do both, orif the group is holding you back,
I I dont want anyone staying with the group because they feel they have to. No
one should feel obligated to stay
Stop it. Tiffany kept her eyes on the road. A muscle in her jaw tensed.
Im just saying
Well, stop.
Taeyeon sighed, turned to look out the window. Tiffany held fast to her hand; her
fingers were cold but hot air was trapped between their hands. Taeyeon watched
the streetlights blink past.
Taeyeon, listen to me, Tiffany said. Look, if it happens, it happens. But if you let it
happen without a fight, you know youre going to regret it forever. I know you,
TaeTae.
Taeyeon didnt want to look at her. Its not just me, though, Tiffany, itseveryone.
I mean, all of us. I cant be the only one fighting. Whats the point, then?
Tiffany didnt seem to know what to say to that. The back of Taeyeons throat
burned. It had been a very long day.
The car was silent, sick with silence. They drove under a highway overpass and the
lights on the dash were bright enough to burn, set fire to the blanket of darkness
that covered them briefly. In the dark, Tiffanys hand relaxed and slipped from hers
and Taeyeon flexed her fingers, waiting for the blood to circulate again.
A very long day, a very weird day.

chapter eighteen
(2010)
Lately, Tiffany has a glow about her. Everyone has noticed. Her smiles are brighter
than Taeyeon had ever thought possible. Shes late coming home, often now, and
spends a lot of her time on her phone.
All signs point to her having a boyfriend, and Taeyeon suspects everyone in the
group has been told but her.
Shes willing to admit this is at least partially her faulttheyre leaving her out a lot,
she feels, and it hurts her a little, but shed be lying if she said she wasnt
somewhat responsible for pushing them away. Its what she wanted, she tells
herself, this whole time. It was insane to rely on them, and it was insane for them to
rely on her. There was no way the group would last forever, and when it ended,
wouldnt she be sorry for wasting her feelings? Eventually it would all amount to a
waste.
There is an ache in her chest when she looks at them, and she knows its because
she loves them, but there is nothing that can be done about that. There is freedom
onstage, under the lights, when her only responsibility is her voice. Its different
offstage. Its like being boxed in. Its unexpected, that where she is least on display,
she feels it the most.
Whats his name? she asks Sunkyu casually one day. Theyre alone in the dorm
on a rare day off and Taeyeon has found half a carton of ice cream in the back of
the freezer. Shed scraped away the freezer burn and used her spoon like a
pickaxe to break it up.
Sunkyu glances at her out of the side of her eyes. Whose name?
Taeyeon digs a spoon into her ice cream. The guy Miyoung is dating.
Sunkyu sighs and sits on top of the kitchen counter. Im not telling you.
Why not? she demands.
Because she should tell you.
She wont.
Sunkyu shrugs.
Do I know him?
A nod.
Is he an idol?

Another one.
Is he good-looking?
Sunkyu rolls her eyes. Obviously, hes an idol, Taeyeon.
Is he
Stop asking me and ask her.
Youre a bad friend, Taeyeon says, feeling petulant.
Sunkyu ruffles her hair. Im the best friend.
Taeyeon ignores her. She tells me she wants us to go back to how we were
before, but then she refuses to tell me things. I dont think thats fair.
Do you really want to hear about her dating someone? Sunkyu looks at her
skeptically. Taeyeon shrugs stiffly. There is a perverse, masochistic part of her that
would love it. Shed like to see them together. It would tear the hole in her chest
fresh open. It would hurt, and maybe it would help.
I want, she says, casually, honestly, to not feel like this anymore. Because its
selfish.
Sunkyu looks at her softly. Taeyeon wishes people would stop looking at her that
way. Its not selfish. You cant control how you feel.
Taeyeon shakes her head. Its the worst kind of selfishness, because I cant turn it
off. I want her for myself, because its what I want. Because I love her. This guy
could make her happier than shes ever been and Ill still want her for myself. I
mean, its a really ugly thing. Shes rambling now. I mean, thiswhatever this is
unrequited love. Maybe it looks romantic on paper, and it sounds pretty in songs,
but in reality, its just wanting something you cant have and not caring about the
consequences. Doesnt she seem happy? I mean, shes really happy lately.
She is, Sunkyu admits, and her lips come together in a thin, worried line.
She is, Taeyeon tells herself. If I really loved her, wouldnt that be enough? That
shes happy? But its not enough.
You deserve to be happy, too, Taengoo.
Im trying. She looks down at her feet and then meets Sunkyus eyes again. She
is struck, suddenly, with how badly she needs the girl standing next to her. Its a
similar kind of need. Theres selfishness in her love for the group, too, she thinks.
Im trying.

Theres a writer unni at the radio show who always leans close when she hands

Taeyeon things, makes lots of eye contact while explaining, blushes when Taeyeon
smiles at her. Taeyeon thinks of herself back in high school, how uncomfortable
she was in her own skin, how filled with disbelief she was when people liked her, or
confessed. It seems so long ago, especially now; its easy to recognize when
someone is attracted to her, and she supposes this is the sort of sixth sense idols
develop, because its part of her job to be attractive, and its part of her job to make
people fall in love with her. It had never occurred to her that this would be a
particularly useful skill offstage.
She makes love to her in her small, cramped apartment, where the bed is inches
from the kitchen, in a part of the city shes never visited. It makes her feel weird,
like idol life has left her sheltered, although the dorm she and Tiffany lived in before
debuting was hardly luxurious. It just feels weird, being there, and realizing how
little she knows about the girl shes pressed against, except for the brief, polite
exchanges of conversations theyve had at work. Seeing her from this angle, in the
heavy darkness, in the smallness of her apartment, is like walking in on someone
changing, seeing them in a private moment you werent meant to see. It elicits a
hosts of questions that fill the back of her throathow long have you lived here,
does the radio show really not pay that well, do you have any other jobs, where did
you go to school, do you like radio or is it just what you do to make money, are you
a writer just trying to get your foot in the door
She swallows them. She shivers, feels thighs tighten around her hips, tastes the
salt on her skin at the base of her throat, and when she comes up for air she can
only think of Tiffany, of Tiffanys hair, Tiffanys eyes, Tiffanys mouth. Tiffanys
hands, the line from Tiffanys wrist to her elbow. Tiffany the trick of the light, Tiffany
the optical illusion, Tiffany the illness she breathed in one day and has been unable
to unstick from her insides.
Have to go, she says quietly, rising from the bed. She feels a hand wrap around
her wrist. I have work, she explains hastily. She dresses in the dark. The room
seems cold now. She bumps into a table on her way around the bed. In a fit of guilt
she sits down on the bed, kisses her.
I really like you, she says quietly. I dont want you to think this can be more,
though, because it cant.
Because of your career.
Noyes. And no. She looks down at the floor. Ill just end up hurting you, she
tells the dark, still air. Thats what I do. I try to be enough, and then Im not. If I
dated you, somewhere along the way youd realize.
It makes her feel better, and it makes her feel worse, and she starts to think at this
stage in the game, if she can have a little bit of the former, more of the latter is a
worthy sacrifice. Its surprisingly easy and had never really occurred to her. Being in
love with the same person for the better part of her teenage and young adult years
had sort of closed her eyes to the pulsing, surrounding world; the idea of attracting
people had never resonated with her, and now its all she can think about. There
are pretty people everywhere, some even more objectively pretty than the one she
wants, and if she can make them want her, she reasons, then it isnt her fault.
Theres a small amount of ego in it, but she tells herself ego is really the only thing

she has.
There are starstruck fans, and theyre easy, and they listen to everything she says
and stay quiet obediently and if she saddles them with complexes she cant feel
terribly guilty because she has complexes too, and confusion is an entry point.
There are people who arent fans at all, who know who she is and are hardly
impressed with her as more than just a pretty facewhich she admits is all she
really is, at the end of the dayand they stay quiet because their priorities are the
same.
Thats freakishly methodical, Sunkyu tells her when she explains the system but
Taeyeon thinks thats better than going about it with no method at all.
But its your life, Sunkyu goes on, and if it makes you feel better
She blanches, somewhat, because she isnt sure that it really is making her feel
better, so much that its making her not think about it as much. It relieves the
tension and appears to be a win-win sort of symbiotic relationship, because they
want her, and she wants to forget. It is nice, really, the feeling of being wanted. She
isnt defective or anything, she thinks. Shes a bit of a mess, but people want her,
even if Tiffany doesnt want her, and messes can be cleaned up.
She puts her hands in her pockets, looks around. Tiffany is getting her makeup
done. Theyre getting a little better, she and Tiffany, and sometimes they even have
conversations, conversations that trail off into nothing, but conversations
nonetheless. Taeyeon has begun counting the amount of words they exchange to
one another per week and when one week it peaks into triple digits, she thinks
maybe theyll be okay. Maybe. Maybe Tiffany will go and marry that stupid guy,
maybe hell disappear mysteriously and theyll find his body floating in a river,
maybe, maybe, there are so many possibilities.
Taeyeon frowns deeply. Sunkyu pinches her at the nape of her neck, as though
she can hear what shes thinking. Taeyeon winces.
Whos that? she asks, nodding in their direction.
Tiffany.
No, I mean, whos doing her makeup?
The makeup artist?
Ive never seen her before. Shes pretty.
Sunkyu laughs, shoving Taeyeon. I dont think shes into girls, Taeyeon.
Taeyeon shrugs. A lot of girls arent, until they meet me. It isnt arrogance; maybe
its bravado. After all, they both know that if it were really true, she wouldnt be in
the position shes in, would she. She looks at Tiffany and swallows hard. Tiffany
meets her eyes and starts to smile, but its the way it drops off at the end, like they
cant even exchange that muchTaeyeon looks at the floor and changes her mind
about the girl doing Tiffanys makeup.


The dead cold of winter, at five in the morning, is like an empty room where her
footsteps echo. There are these group of fans in the parking garage where she tries
to enter from. They crowd around the elevator; more of them come, then, from
behind her and from all sides. They had been following, but she hadnt seen them.
The danger of traveling without managers, even if it was a necessity sometimes.
Go home, she tells them, trying to keep her distance. She had thought the
entrance through the parking garage was the most discreet, but now it makes
sense to loop around to the front.
They dont answer her, so she says it again.
Go home. I dont like seeing you. Im sick of it.
One of them is holding their phone up, taking video. Taeyeon can tell from the red
light. She forces herself not to snatch it out of her hands. Some slouch on the floor,
leaning against the wall; they smoke and play games, they eat snacks and drinks
and leave the garbage behind. They vandalize the walls. They post stupid
messages on their stupid websites, with timestamps and pictures and names and
addresses and phone numbers and when she meets their eyes they look through
her, like fire eating through her skin and bones.
I dont like you, she says evenly, feeling itchy under her skin; she isnt sure why
shes speaking at all, except that she hasnt slept in over twenty-four hours and she
is tired of sneaking around and tired of being watched. I dont like seeing you. I
cant stand seeing you. Go home.
Some of them are kids. Some of them are older than she is. They dont scare her,
really, not too much; the older men did, but they dont really follow anymore like the
kids do. She feels constricted, tied to them. They know everything about her, and if
she does anything to make them stop loving her, they can destroy her career. They
have evidence, theyve taken pictures, theyve taken videos, they know.
Jessica says they wont. Jessica says thats all it is, that they want to feel close to
you, and keeping your secrets, holding them inside, makes them feel that way. But
Taeyeon doesnt want that, and its insulting to call it love. Its ownership. Its
wanting something you cant have, knowing you cant have it, and still wanting to
keep it in one place, keep it for yourself.
She feels like crying, and spins on her heel, hurrying out of the parking garage to
enter from the front.
The dorm is quiet, and dark, and she neatens up a little on her way toward her
bedroom.
Taeyeon?
Taeyeon yelps. Tiffany turns on the light. Shes on the couch.

You scared me, Taeyeon says. What are you doing out here?
I fell asleep, Tiffany explains, trying to sit up. Taeyeon moves to help her. By the
time I woke up no one was around to help me into my room.
Where are your crutches?
Tiffany makes a vague, disinterested gesture. Taeyeon clicks her tongue
impatiently.
Please be more careful, and thoughtful, she says quietly. If your knee doesnt
heal properly, what will you do?
Tiffany shrugs, looking at her lap.
Taeyeon grows frustrated. Im serious. Think about your future. If you dont take
care of yourself, youre shortening your career. Its one thing after another with you.
You have to be careful. Dont you care?
Tiffany snorts. Wow, you havent lectured me in awhile.
Taeyeon looks at her, startled. She shakes her head and frowns. I just worry about
you.
She tries to ease up a little. She knows Tiffany. As much as shes felt, over the past
two years, that shes lost her, she knows her. She has more drive than anyone she
knows, and she isnt a quitter. Taeyeon knew she was beating herself up for her
injury.
The silence becomes awkward. Her hip presses against Tiffanys thigh; shes
radiating warmth. Taeyeon closes her eyes, bites her lip.
Do you want me to help you into your room? she asks, finally.
Tiffany shakes her head.
Are you sure? Is it comfortable out here?
Its fine.
Okay. She rises. Tiffany grabs her hand. Its soft, cold.
Stay with me, Tiffany says, quiet.
Okay. Obedient. No matter whats happened to them, when Tiffany wants
something, Taeyeon gives it. They sit in silence.
I miss you, Tiffany says, finally.
Taeyeon can only look at her. How is she meant to respond? Whats the proper
response? Is there one? I miss you too is an understatement; there are no words

strong enough to describe the ache inside her. She just nods. Tiffany sighs, as
though rebuffed, but Taeyeon thinks that if she doesnt get that the feeling is
mutual, she hasnt been paying attention.
Where were you?
Taeyeon shrugs. Out.
Where?
Out.
Were you with someone?
Taeyeon looks at her, impassive. If Tiffany thinks shell talk about this with her, of
all people, her fall had messed up more than her knee.
Tiffany sighs.
You need to think about the future, too, is all shell say.
Ill think about it, Taeyeon says flippantly, and stands. We have to leave for
rehearsals in two hours, Im going to try and get in a little sleep before. She looks
away, putting her hands in her pockets. If you need anything, text oryell real
loudor whatever.
We, Tiffany repeats quietly. You mean the eight of you.
Taeyeon looks at the floor. Yeah, the eight of us. Well keep you updated.
She hears Tiffany exhale and shift on the couch. When she risks a glance at her
again, her eyes are on the ceiling. Her face has that look it gets right before she
cries. Taeyeon hates it, so she looks away.
Go. Sleep, Tiffany says, and Taeyeon takes the hint and leaves.

What do you think of me?

Her heart is beating fast. Lately, this is the question at the very front of her brain; all
thoughts pass through it. What do you think of me. It isnt an idle, egocentric
thoughtits a frantic, indignant demandwhat do they think of me, what do they
think Im doing, what do they think Ill do, what do they think Ive done. Maybe its
paranoia, or narcissism. Maybe shes twenty-one years old and so indescribably
and unspeakably famous that she wonders if shes been rendered useless. At
twenty-one years old, does she have anything left to give?
I like you, the girl says. There are hands, insistent, at the button of her jeans. She
pushes them away.

But why?
Eyes widen in confusion, as though she believes shes being tested. Was this part
of the debuting process, did senior singers routinely interrogate their juniors on their
own self-worth?
I admire you. Youre talented, she says simply, and youre pretty.
Well, youre eighteen years old, Taeyeon thinks, so what do you knowthats no
reason to like someone. Whats being talented when hundreds of idols are talented,
and whats being pretty when hundreds of idols are pretty. That doesnt say
anything about longevity
But what do you care about longevity, she argues, closing her eyes, if you cared
about longevity you wouldnt have become an idol, right
Sorry, she says, soft. Somehow, its painful. She swallows hard, kisses the mouth
beneath hers urgently. Sorry. She kisses her again. I think youll do really wellI
think youll be really famous. In three years, youll look back and wonder what you
did to deserve it all. She exhales; her mouth is wet. Believe me.
Theres no response. She isnt listening. A hand slips past the waistband of her
shorts. Taeyeon breathes her in, feels the storm pass over her.

There is a point, somewhere in time, and she doesnt see it coming, but suddenly
she cannot stop crying. They arent sad tears, but they arent happy tears. Theyre
that place in between, where exhaustion and weariness lie. The idea of being
rewarded for hard work feels odd to her, like an itchy sweater she wants to climb
out of. Its a hollow victory, somehow, and even when she looks at the audience, at
their blurred faces like twinkling lights, at the members, at the past yearat the
past three yearsit all feels hollow.
She realizes why she always feels pressed underwater, and its because she is
separately and collectively in love with eight people and it has worn her down. The
consequence of trying not to care is caring too much, and they havent just gotten
under her skin, theyve gotten deep into her heart where she keeps private and
safe, and every wall shes erected they senselessly demolish without care. It
exhausts her and humbles her and terrifies her, and yet theres security. Its safe,
there, with them, in the circle of their arms, and she cries harder because it doesnt
make any sense if it isnt all of them, if her best friend isnt there, if theres a missing
piece, if they arent complete.
She pulls out her phone backstage and checks her messages, and the mass-text
from Tiffany makes every part of her feel like shes falling apart. It hangs in the air,
bittersweet, and they all feel it, the want to have her there, but Taeyeon feels pulled
apart by it.
She thinks of the girl she fell in love with years ago, the girl who held her and
admitted she was scared, the girl who was vulnerable for all of ten seconds, just

long enough to swear and promise and tie them together forever and she thinks
maybe its codependence or maybe its just loyalty, but maybe its okay for people
to need other people.
They party into the early hours of the morning and when it winds down, Jessica
offers to help Tiffany to her room, but Taeyeon says, Ill help her, and thats that,
and then theyre alone, and shes terrible at thisat feelings and emotions and
knowing what to say, and so finally, when Tiffany looks at her, looks at her long and
hard, she just says, I miss you, too as though picking up where they left off.
And when Tiffany just sort of looks at her, brows furrowed in confusion, she pulls
her into her arms and squeezes her, closes her eyes. I know I messed everything
up, she mumbles into Tiffanys hair. But youre my best friend, and I need you. Ill
always need you.
Thats the exact second, she realizes later, that she knows she will need to do this
forever.

present
(2016)
So, whats her name? Sunkyu asked, setting down two cups of coffee on the cafe
table. The coffee shop was surprisingly empty for mid-afternoon. Taeyeon closed
the game she was playing and pocketed her phone.
Huh? She watched Sunkyus hands expertly add the right amount of milk and
sugar to her coffee. This was their routine. It wasnt that she was incapable of
preparing her own coffee, she just liked to wait and see if Sunkyu would do it for
her. She always did. It came with a weird sense of warmth. It was nice to have
someone know you that well. A long time ago she had told Sunkyu, stubbornly, that
she hated being taken care of, and Sunkyus only response had been to teach her
to like it.
The girl youre dating. Whats her name?
Taeyeon sipped her coffee thoughtfully. Im not dating anyone.
Sunkyu rolled her eyes. I know, you dont do relationships or whatever but youre
obviously seeing someone. Why else would you be so happy lately?
Because were working on the album?
Bull. Come on. I havent seen you this happy in forever. Is it Hyejin?
Taeyeon frowned. No. I havent seen her for a few weeks.
Sunkyu looked at her expectantly. Taeyeon tipped her coffee cup from side to side,

watching the coffee dance up to the edge and then slosh backwards. She wrapped
both her hands around it, feeling the heat solid in her palms.
Her silence didnt seem to make Sunkyu happy. A rolled up paper napkin was
tossed at her head.
Does Stephanie know? Sunkyu asked, not giving up. Taeyeon swallowed hard.
She must like her, because shes been in a pretty good mood lately, too. You know
how protective she is of you.
Taeyeon burned her tongue on an extra large mouthful of coffee. She looked down
at the table. It wasnt often that she and Sunkyu kept secrets from each other. But
this wasnt like most things. Hers and Tiffanys reluctance to put a label on
whatever they had become had made it difficult to talk about with each other, let
alone anyone else. It wasnt that they were consciously keeping it from everyone
else, Taeyeon reasoned, or she thought it wasnt.
She fiddled with her fingers. If I tell you something, do you promise not to well,
first, freak out, and second, tell anyone, and third, be judgmental, and fourth
So many rules. What is it? Who is it?
Tiffany.
Sunkyu looked at her with a steady, level gaze and then stirred her coffee for a
long, quiet moment.
Tiffany, huh.
Yeah.
Our Tiffany? Miyoung? Our Miyoung?
Yeah. That one.
Sunkyu set her spoon down on a napkin. Taengoo.
I know, Taeyeon sighed, rubbing her forehead. I know.
How long has this been going on?
About a month now?
Sunkyu reached across the table to smack her in the head. And you didnt tell
me?
I didnt know what to say! I still dont know what to say. I mean, this is
Are you guys, likedatingor
No, were pretty much exactly the same, Taeyeon said thoughtfully. Except
instead of fighting all the time, we make out.

Oh, Sunkyu said eloquently.

Yeah.
Sunkyu exhaled across the surface of her coffee. This is weird.
Yeah. It is.
But you seem happy.
Yeah. I am.
She was. She thought. She was a poor gauge of happiness, but she thought that it
was probably what this feeling was. It was distracting at least. Her worry over the
groups future was intense enough to give her stomachaches, but every time she
stopped to think about it, she just thought about Tiffany instead.
Youre the first person to know, though, she told Sunkyu quietly. I dont know if I
should have said anything, butwell
Is it supposed to be a secret?
I dont know.
What do you mean you dont know?
I mean, we havent talked about what it is.
Sunkyu looked conflicted. But youre happy?
I am.
Then, okay.
What do you mean? Dont say it like that.
Like what?
Like theres more to it. I told you not to be judgmental.
And thats why Im not saying anything.
Sunkyu.
Sunkyu shook her head, glancing out the window beside the table. She ran her
finger along the rim of her coffee cup.
Nothing, she said finally. Look, I love Fany. So much. Shes my baby. But if shes
playing with you, Im going to kill her.
Taeyeon nodded calmly. It would be a lie to say she hadnt considered itactually,

it would be a lie to say it hadnt completely possessed most of her waking thoughts.
Tiffany wouldnt she started to say, but Sunkyu cut her off.
I know she wouldntconsciouslyI mean. Look, you and I both know that Fany
doesnt have a mean or insensitive bone in her body. And its you, I mean, I think
shed cut off her own arm before ever doing anything to hurt you. On purpose. I
mean, I dont think shed play with your feelings on purpose.
Taeyeon frowned. Then why do you sound so skeptical?
Just, why now? She blew on the surface of her coffee again. Taeyeon thought it
must have certainly been cool enough to drink by now and in an effort to distract
herself she started counting the seconds until Sunkyu finally took her first sip. I
mean, shes known how you feel about her for a really, really long time now. If
shes felt the same all this time, I am going to rip her hair out for making you suffer
for so long.
Taeyeon watched her carefully as she lifted the coffee cup to her lips and then set it
down to add more sugar.
I dont know, she admitted. Im not a mind-reader.
You could ask.
What am I supposed to say? Hey remember that time I pined after you pathetically
for over ten years and you led me to believe I had no chance with you whatsoever?
What was that all about?
Maybe leave out the word pathetically, Sunkyu suggested, blowing on her coffee
again.
Will you please just drink that, youre driving me crazy.
Sunkyu drank, obediently. Taeyeon checked her phone. No texts.
I just want you to be happy, Sunkyu said, the old saying. She wondered if they
even realized they were saying it at this point, or if it was reflex, the way you said
hello or thank you. She wondered why they told her it at all, constantly. Like she
wasnt aware that was what they wanted.
Well, I think I am, Taeyeon said.
Then, Im happy, too. She drank her coffee. Taeyeon drank hers. But if she hurts
you, I swear, I will rip all of her hair out.
Wow, thats sexy. Maybe you guys could mud wrestle.
Im going to let that slide because youre happy and youre cute when youre
happy.
Im always cute. Did you see that article online? Someone let it leak that were

working on an album.
Yeah, did you read the comments?
I never read the comments, Taeyeon said with a scowl, even though it was a lie.
Wow, I didnt know they were still together.
Are you surprised that there are stupid people on the internet? Taeyeon asked
dryly, draining the last of her coffee. Clearly theyre not a fan.
Also a lot of I was expecting Taengoos solo album instead comments.
Taeyeon made a noncommittal sound. Well.
What are you so afraid of? Sunkyu asked her suddenly, and Taeyeon met her
eyes.
Im not afraid.
Yes, you are.
No, Im
Are you going to pretend you know yourself better than I do? I am the master of
knowing you, Taengoo. Youre terrified.
Taeyeon dabbed gently at the formica table where shed spilled her coffee. It really
wasnt fear, she wanted to explain, although every time she thought about it lately,
her blood ran cold. She tried to think of a way to explain it.
Ive never told anyone this before, but uh, when they put me in that training group
with all those other girls, I was pissed. I really didnt want to be in a group at all, let
alone one so huge. I wanted to be a soloist. It wasnt even about ego or anything,
she tried to explain, its just what I had pictured for myself. So all those times, in
the beginning, when I said I wanted the group to be forever, I was lying. I was just
saying it because it seemed the right thing to say.
I doubt youre the only one who felt that way, Sunkyu pointed out.
But I still remember the precise second when I realized I didnt want that anymore,
she said, remembering how hard she had cried, and how empty she had felt when
she had realized the victory was incomplete. The thing is, this is a really, really
terrible business, you know? I mean, Ive watched it literally destroy people, and
every time that happens I think, wow, that could have been me. Or you. It could
have been any of us. And the only way I knew how to not let that happen was to
make myself depend on other people.
Sunkyu smiled, a little. Thats all we wanted from you anyway. For you to depend
on us.
But its all or nothing, you know? I cant turn it off. I cant teach myself to depend

on you and then suddenly decide I dont need you guys. When I made that
decision, I really couldnt turn back. Maybe its not like that for everyone, but thats
how it is for me. I made myself weak, for you guys.
I get what youre saying, Sunkyu said gently, but I want to remind you that were
not kids anymore, weve been doing this a long time, and nothing has to change,
anyway. Just because you go solo doesnt mean were not here for you. You went
to every single one of Juhyuns performances when she promoted her single, and
you know why that is.
Because I dont really have much of a life, Taeyeon pointed out.
Because you wanted her to know shes not alone. And I mean, look at who were
talking about. Juhyun is the most independent person in the world. She wouldnt
have asked for that, but you did it anyway.
Taeyeon nodded, playing with her empty coffee cup.
Its okay for people to need other people, Sunkyu told her. But you have to find a
middle ground, you know?
Taeyeons phone vibrated on the table and she picked it up, checking her texts.
Come keep me company, please~ Filming is the most boring thing in the world.
Sunkyu looked at her over the rim of her coffee cup. Is that Miyoung?
Taeyeons thumb hovered haltingly over the reply button. Yeah, uh
Is she summoning you? Sunkyu asked with a tone of amusement.
Well, not reallydo you want to come? Shes filming someplace in Gwangjin.
No, you go.
Taeyeon frowned. No, come.
Why, you dont want to be alone with her? She asked for you, didnt she?
Taeyeon found it difficult to read her tone. I guess.
Im serious. Tell her you'll be there.
Taeyeon had already typed the reply. Sunkyu
And tell her I said hi.
Taeyeon stood up, reaching for her wallet to pay for their coffees. Thanks, she
said, smiling.
Sunkyu looked puzzled. What are you thanking me for? Its not like you need my
permission to go see her.

Taeyeon bit her lip. Nojustthanks. For not making me feel like an idiot.
Sunkyu shrugged. Im the best friend, she told Taeyeon and Taeyeon found she
could do nothing but agree.

chapter nineteen
How long did you film? Taeyeon asked, getting Tiffanys coat for her. She handed
it over, watching the shows production director out of the corner of her eye. One of
their managers was talking animatedly with him. Tiffany pulled her coat on.
Eight hours, Tiffany sighed, looking at her phone.
You left early.
Yeah, sorry, I know we were going to have breakfast.
No big deal. Oppa, you can go home, I have my car.
Jooyoung scratched the back of his head as he joined them. Are you okay with
that, Fany? Do you want to leave with this hooligan?
No, save me from her.
Im very trustworthy, Taeyeon protested.
Its true, Jooyoung agreed, it only took you thirty-six tries before you got your
drivers license.
Practice makes perfect.
I have to thank the rest of the staff, Tiffany told them, leaving to do just that.
Taeyeon settled against the wall; this would be awhile, Tiffany was a lot more
thorough than she was with this sort of thing. Genuinely liking people probably
helped a lot.
Did you eat? Jooyoung asked kindly, leaning against the wall next to her.
Taeyeon nodded. Good. Uheverything going okay with the contract?
Taeyeon looked at her hands. Why are you asking?
As an oppa, Jooyoung said. He looked straight ahead, frowning. Not an
employee or anything, just as a close oppa.
My lawyers still working on a revision, Taeyeon said quietly, glancing around to
be sure they were more or less alone. So I guess we'll see.
Have you told the other kids about it? Jooyoung asked.
No, Taeyeon said honestly. Itsan unnecessary stress. Who knows if Ill sign it.
Jooyoung nodded, looking at his shoes. I guess that makes sense.
Taeyeon looked down as well, pulling at a loose thread in her sweater. Even from
far away she could see the blush in Tiffanys cheeks as she thanked and sent off

each individual staff member. Her body felt tense. It had felt that way for weeks
now; every lull in conversation felt like a missed opportunity to confess about the
contract. She knew she hadnt done anything wrong, but she also knew that the
longer she kept quiet about it, the more dangerous it became.
Her fathers lawyer had mentioned that discussing it with the girls really wouldnt do
any good until they had worked out something that better matched their needs,
which helped a little, but guilt was a powerful demoralizer anyway. I dont know
what they told you, hed said over the phone, but this isnt like the previous
renewals, its a completely new contract.
I figured, Taeyeon had said, her voice low. She had ignored a few of his calls
already because it was hard to find a time when she was truly alone. Even then,
Tiffany had been only one room over, in the bathroom. Her ears had remained
attentive for the sound of her shower shutting off. Im not that stupid.
If youre going solo, the agency interprets this as you being a new artist theyre
signing on, so they drafted a brand new contract, he had explained. Taeyeon had
suddenly wished she had thought to meet him in person. This was dumb. It wasnt
even the worry that Tiffany would overhear, it was the guilt of discussing something
this condemning in their shared home. Thats what this is, its similar to the first
contract you and the girls signed, but of course the provisions are different because
they consider you a new artist. And as far as new artist contracts go, its pretty light
on restrictions, I guess because they trust you and youve got leverage.
Taeyeon had bit her tongue. Shed wanted to protest that she had no plans to go
solo and that the contract was an attempt to blindside her, but she had thought it
might be better to listen. The agency knew she wasnt stupid. They knew she would
have a lawyer comb through it; they knew a lawyer would explain it to her. They
must have felt that she would feel compelled to signbut why?
Theres some good stuff in here, Taeyeon. The amount of creative control you
would get is unheard of. I mean, its heard of, but at that label? There are some
really good controlled composition rates, and giving you full ownership of your own
music is huge. That means if you wanted to leave, theres nothing they could do
with your music.
Right. But there has to be some restrictions.
Of course. The biggest control they seem to want to exert is who you work with. If I
were to explain it simply, theres a lot of creative control on your part, but every
producer or composer or engineer you work with is going to be pretty closely
monitored by them. Thats nothing new, thoughthats in your old contract.
Right. But. Would control over who I work with also apply to the other girls?
Yeah. Being marketed as a solo artist means youd really need permission to do
anything with them. I mean, I dont know how much theyd exercise that. They need
the option to monitor who you work with so that you dont sign some crazy producer
onboard or anything like that. Thats standard. But if youre reasonable, they
probably wont feel the need to exert it. It just saves their asses.

Taeyeon thought about what he had said. That had been a week ago; when hed
asked her if she wanted him to submit a revision that more closely matched what
she was hoping for, shed said yesmostly to buy time, she thought, and as a test.
If she could negotiate a contract that worked for her, maybe the rest of them could,
too.
As she looked at Jooyoungs drawn face, set in concern, his eyes on the floor, she
wondered if that was going to be possible. She watched Tiffany chatting excitedly
with one of the writers. She thought about being eighteen years old and learning
that the industry shed carelessly flung herself into was more complicated than she
could stand to comprehend, and thinking that maybe it would get easier, more
straightforward the older and smarter you got, but it suddenly seemed to her that it
was the other way around.
Oppa, she started, and then stopped. She was scared. If you thought if you
thought that something wasnt going to be good for us, would you say so?
Yeah.
Really, though? Would you?
Jooyoung shrugged, smiling. Should I try convincing you? I think sometimes your
cynicism makes you smarter than most people, but a lot of times I think it makes
you blind. Did you know that Taengoo? I think I care about you kids like youre my
own family members. I want the best for you, all of you.
What do you think that is?
What?
The best for uswhat is it?
He shrugged again. As long as youre happy and healthy, its the right choice,
right?
But do you think the rest of the agency wants the best for us?
No. I think youre talking about business, and business is something that only ever
wants the best for itself. When your needs and businesss needs match, thats
when things are good. When they dontthen maybe its time to go separate
ways.
He did know, Taeyeon realized.
So what do you think? she asked him. They both watched Tiffany.
He thought about it for a long time. He looked around. We didnt have this
conversation, Taengoo. Okay?
Okay.
Theyre going to use your loyalty against you. Not just your loyalty toward the

girlsbut your loyalty toward the company. Theyre going to say, weve raised you
since you were a teenager. We turned a messy country kid into one of the nations
most adored voices. We protected you. We stamped down every scandal, guarded
you from criticism. We took care of you like you were our daughter. Theyll lie to
youtheyll use people, and the feelings attached to those people, against you.
From top-tier executives to producers to part-time staff. Theyll use mewhat
would Jooyoung say? Would you abandon Jooyoung?
Tiffany was coming back. He wet his lips and turned, standing in front of her and
blocking her from Tiffany, covering her in shadow. His eyes were intense, sad.
Dont listen to them. No matter what they say, go with what you know. You know
who the people are that care about you. You know what we want. You know we just
want your happiness. All of you. Just remember, you know better than they know.
And you know.
Oppa, dont hover over her like that, Tiffany chided as she came up to them. If
someone took a picture from this angle, thered be a scandal.
Good point, Jooyoung said with a cheerful smile, moving away. Like I need more
trouble with my wife. Are you sure you dont need me to drive you, Tiffany?
Im sure, Tiffany said, linking arms with Taeyeon. I trust Taeyeon.
That makes one of us, Taeyeon joked as they headed out of the building. See
you, oppa.

Tuscany would have been so much better, Tiffany complained, looking at the
water.
Taeyeon laid another piece down. It was pretty but there was too much of the
same color.
Still, this is a kids puzzle, Tiffany pointed out, watching Taeyeon sift through the
puzzle pieces so she could continue constructing the trunk of the tree.
A kid couldnt do this, Taeyeon protested. We should push the couch back a little,
this is going to take up most of the floor over here.
Tiffany eyed her. Looks like a kid's doing it now.
Taeyeon narrowed her eyes at her, settling both her arms atop her knees as she
crouched on the floor next to the five-thousand piece puzzle. Okay, she said
finally.
Aw, Tiffany said, pouting, are you hurt?
No, Taeyeon said sadly.

Tiffany crawled toward her, and then crouched as well, their knees touching.
It is a kids puzzle, though, she pointed out. You know you only chose it because
of the pandas.
I like pandas, Taeyeon explained.
I like you, Tiffany said and then nudged her with one of her knees. Taeyeon put a
hand on the floor to stop herself from falling over and then scratched her nose,
looking down at the puzzle.
Do you want to order something to eat, orI could make somethingbut we dont
really have anything in the fridgeI could make rice we could order
something
She trailed off, uncomfortable with the way Tiffany was looking at her. She had
been looked at that way before; she had looked at people that way before. She had
looked at the person in front of her that way before. To be on the other end of a
look she knew so well was disconcerting, close to an out-of-body experience.
Are you hungry she attempted searchingly, looking at Tiffany with a cautious
expression.
Tiffany nodded absently, not taking her eyes off of Taeyeon. Yeah.
We could go out, Taeyeon suggested.
I dont want to go out.
We could get something delivered.
You could stop talking about food and just say whatever it is you want to say. She
settled her fingertips on top of Taeyeon's forearm, touching the vein in her wrist.
Taeyeon pursed her lips. There were a million things she wanted to say; a good
handful of them were things she really should say and yet couldnt bring herself to.
Its nothing.
Its not nothing.
Taeyeon frowned. Dont get mad, she said carefully, but I kind oftold Sunkyu
about this.
Tiffany gave a wry smile. About the puzzle? she joked lightly.
Taeyeon didnt take the bait. It is a bit of a puzzle, isnt it.
What?
You and me.

Ah. Tiffany folded her arms neatly across her knees. I guess so.
Her pensive expression worried Taeyeon, somehow; she wasnt sure what she
wanted from this conversation. She wasnt sure what she wanted from Tiffany,
really, which was weird considering she had thought she had wanted the same
thing for years and years. And she still did, butit was different now. Because she
had what she wanted, and she didnt. She had Tiffany, and she didnt have her at
all. Maybe that was why they hadnt talked about itmaybe it hadnt just been
Tiffanys reluctance to label them, but her own reluctance too. Without labeling it, it
was whatever she wanted it to be, and that was somehow safer.
She glanced back down to the puzzle and began sifting through the pieces again.
Youre not mad, are you?
She didnt dare look up and so only heard Tiffany shift and cluck her tongue, saw
her hand a moment later as it joined hers in the pile of puzzle pieces.
Why would I be mad? she answered after a long moment.
Taeyeon shrugged. I dont know. I figured you didnt want to tell anyone I dont
knowI just thought
Its not that I dont want to, Tiffany replied and then for a few moments they were
silent, assembling the puzzle with dedicated concentration.
I just dont know what wed say, and Tiffany exhaled. I dont know how theyd
take it. Im guessing Sunkyu threatened me with violence.
A little bit of violence, Taeyeon admitted.
Tiffany sighed. And the rest of them will be exactly the same.
I think she was mostly confused, Taeyeon pointed out. I mean. Maybe that was
my fault. I couldnt really explain to her what was going on, because I dont really
know whats going on, and I think the fact that we havent talked about it is
She shrugged and looked up. Tiffany had settled down and was sitting crosslegged, her shoulders slumped forward, her eyebrows lowered over her eyes.
Taeyeon couldnt help but feel bad, although she didnt know why. Maybe it was
easier if they didnt talk about it. Maybe what she had told Sunkyu was an ideal,
maybe the best thing for them to be was exactly what they were and had always
been, except kissing instead of fighting, which she admitted was a pretty good
compromise. Maybe. The thought of defining it at all weighed heavy on her.
We can talk about it, Tiffany said.
Taeyeon took a breath. Now she didnt know how to. Never mind just forget about
it seemed a little bit childish at this juncture. What are we doing? she blurted.
I dont know, Tiffany told her honestly.

I meanwhat are we, to each other, I mean

I dont know, Tiffany repeated. Is that what this is? Does it need a label for you to
be okay with it?
No, I justlook, I think we both know how I feel about you. Im not really a wildcard. Ive wanted the same thing for, like, ten years now, so I know what I want this
to be, I just have no way of knowingwhatyou
I want the same thing you want.
But why? Taeyeon sputtered, realizing suddenly why she felt so frustrated. Why,
suddenly, now? Did you just flip a switch and decide you can feel the same way
about me? After ten years? I mean
Thats not fair, Tiffany said in a small voice. Ive felt this way for a long time.
Then why now? Taeyeon shook her head. I mean, are you really that
insecureI mean, is this just another thing to keep me with you?
Would it be so wrong if it was? Tiffany asked. She met Taeyeons eyes. Listen, if
I had the rest of my life to figure out how I feel about you, Id take it. But I dont.
You're telling me I could lose you forever. What do you expect me to do?
Thats not very comforting, Taeyeon said with a frown. You know, that if there
wasnt the threat of disbandment hanging over our heads youd leave me to
continue being miserable foreverI mean, its a littleI dont want to use the word
sadistic, but theres no thesaurus on hand, so
Tiffany flung a puzzle piece at her and smiled, strained. You know I just want you
to be happy. I kept thinking, you know, if I wait long enough, youll get over me and
I wont even have to figure out how I feel about you, because itll be too late. Thats
what I wanted, honestly.
Why?
Because you had it in your head that I was somehow going to be the thing that
could make you happy, and I knew I wasnt. I still think that. But She shrugged
helplessly. Taeyeon looked at her. The idea of the past ten years of her life being
summarized with a helpless shrug was so ridiculous it almost made her laugh.
Thats stupid, Taeyeon blurted. Youre stupid.
What are you, five? Dont call me stupid
Im sorry, but thats dumb
Taeyeon, get this through your head, Tiffany rasped harshly and her tone was
unlike anything Taeyeon had ever heard in all the years of knowing her. I cant
make you happy, okay? Ive waited years for you to figure this out and
Im still waitingyoure going to realize that Im not what you want, that you put me
on an unrealistic pedestal for years, and theres no way any human being could

ever live up to what you want, especially me. Youre going to realize that.
Is that what this is? Just another effort to make me get over you? Youre
unbelievable.
No. Tiffany shook her head adamantly. You dont understand the pressure.
I would never pressure you in any way, Taeyeon said, feeling defensive. You
know that.
Thats not what I mean. I meanwhen you idealize something for too long, youre
only bound to be disappointed.
Idealize? Taeyeon repeated skeptically. What even was an ideal, she wondered.
A type, an idealthat was someone you could summarize in a line, a few words.
She couldnt explain Tiffany in a few words. She couldnt explain Tiffany in a million
words. She knew this because she had tried, and the more difficult it became to talk
about, the more genuine she knew it was.
Listen. She straightened her legs and then hesitantly scooted forward, close
enough to touch her. She took a breath. She had left the ball more or less in
Tiffanys court for a month now, never approaching her, never initiating anything. In
a way, it felt like her last lifeline, her last effort at some form of self-preservation, an
assurance that this was what Tiffany wanted and that if Tiffany suddenly decided
it wasnt what she wantedwell, maybe she could only get her heart broken a little
if she didnt invest too much.
Now, though, she made the first move forward, placing her hand carefully on
Tiffanys knee. That much she could do. She shook her head. Look, Im not some
fan, okay? Im not someone who doesnt know the real you. Im not admiring you
from afarI know you. I mean, the good stuff, the bad stuff. I know everything
about you. I know you look like an ugly monkey when you wake up in the
morning
Taeyeon, Tiffany gaped.
I know that youve lived here for a million years and your Korean is still so
mysteriously bad I have to explain my incredibly hilarious jokes to you. I know
youre stupid and stubborn and overprotective to a really obnoxious fault, and I
know thatbetter than anyone because Ive worked and lived and been with you
for ten years now. She felt Tiffanys knee shake beneath her hand. Im not in love
with an ideal person, she said. If you dont get that Im kind of stupidly in love with
every single one of your flaws, you havent been paying attention. At all.
She felt brave enough to finally look up at her and was surprised to see Tiffanys
head bowed in a slight nod. She scooted closer, braced both hands on the floor on
either side of Tiffany; the proximity made her dizzy. Thats it, she thought, studying
Tiffanys wet eyelashes, thats ityou wont get out of this alive.
She swallowed. Can I please kiss you? she asked.
Tiffany looked up, her eyes dark, and she nodded timidly. Taeyeon kissed her. She

felt Tiffany cup her face and her arms shook.

Ugly monkey, Tiffany questioned with a tone of disapproval, kissing just the edge
of Taeyeons lips.
A really cute ugly monkey, Taeyeon clarified, smiling.
And Im sorry, my Koreans awesome and youre just not that funny
No, Im really hilarious
Youre really not, all your jokes are lame puns and
Puns are funny
For old people, maybe
Please shut up, Taeyeon muttered and sealed their lips together, pressed close
and put her mouth anywhere she could, feeling Tiffanys feverish pulse throb where
their lips met. She pressed her to the floor and her skin prickled and buzzed as her
blood raced through her veins.
She was beginning to forget the point of self-restraint. Maybe Tiffany was, too.
Tiffany left marks in her skin, always, little imprints of her nails on Taeyeons
shoulders, scratches on her forearms. It meant that she couldnt kiss Tiffany and
walk away from it, blot it from her mind, because the memories were carved into
her skin.
It had seemed like a long fall over the course of many years, but maybe it was
shorter and quicker than she had thought.

The elevator stopped on the eighth floor on the way down. Taeyeon barely glanced
up from her phone but there was a chill in the air as soon as the other occupant
stepped in and instinctively, Taeyeon found herself backing toward the corner of
the elevator, shrinking away.
Unni, the young girl greeted. She looked kind of young, Taeyeon thought, but
there was never anyway of knowing. Jessica and Tiffany had never had as many
stalkers as she did and she had been meaning to ask one of the managers to
increase security at the new building but it had slipped her mind over and over
again. They had seemed so docile, so non-intrusive since Christmas.
How did you get in, Taeyeon sighed, her eye trained on the elevators floor lights
as they descended too slow for her liking.
I just want to see you Youre keeping a lot of secrets from them lately, the girl
said and Taeyeon looked up in surprise. You and Tiffany unni, the contract
How did you knowleapt to Taeyeons lips but she pursed them, not wanting to

give herself away. Her skin crawled a little. I dont know what youre talking about.
You know we always find out, the girl said casually, warmly, answering her
unasked question. Taeyeon studied her. She was pretty. Now that she was looking
at her closely she thought she looked like she was maybe university age; Taeyeon
recognized her, because she had been following her for a few years now. At least
three or four. This was the first time she could remember ever talking to her and it
almost made her laugh, somehow, the idea of a young university-aged girl following
a celebrity for so long and only saying youre keeping a lot of secrets the second
she had a chance alone with her.
Taeyeon thought she should almost be grateful for the negligible sanity, at least in
some respect, although the thought made her bitter.
Its okay, unni, you know, the girl said softly. You think theyre not keeping
secrets from you, too?
Taeyeon just looked at the descending floor lights, keeping her face still. Why had
she left the apartment alone, she wondered.
Im your fan, so Ill always follow you. Unniyou know that, right?
Yes, Taeyeon said stiffly.
I like the other members, too, of course, but its you. And its us. Were the ones
who are always there for you.
She was keeping her distance. They kept to opposite sides of the elevator.
Taeyeon held her breath.
Do you remember when Tiffany unni left? How hard you cried? That was us there
for you, not the members. Do you remember that time you were too drunk to drive
home? Maybe you dont. You were really out of it that night. We were the ones who
called you a cab. We said, where should we have them take you? We wanted one
of the members to take care of you that night. But you said no. You just wanted to
go home. Ill bother them, you said, Ill just be trouble.
Taeyeon shook her head. She didnt remember.
You never bother us, though. You dont trouble us. You can count on usthats all
Im saying.
Taeyeon breathed a sigh of relief when the elevator came to the parking garage.
Good, she said, brushing past the girl, I can count on crazy people. Im so
touched.
Hey. She was surprised that she hadnt been followed out of the elevator and
despite her better judgment, she turned.
I dont have an agenda, unniits the same for me no matter what you do. But
dont you think they probably have an agenda? Not everyone wants the same

things.
The elevator doors closed. The parking garage seemed eerily empty. She wanted
to laugh about it but she thought she was in no position to. If she was keeping
things from them, then why wouldnt they keep things from her? Hadnt they all kept
quiet about their solo activities? Wouldnt she have done the same?
An eternity of friendship suddenly seemed very stupid if trust could collapse so
easily.