Jocelyn Ramirez

Main Point of Paragraph

What You
Added/Omitted and
Why

Paragraph
#

Initial Submission

Final, Revised
Submission

#1
(Thesis
Statement)

The minimum legal

drinking age can be
examined through
economics, public health,
and entertainment using
varying studies as
evidence and different
jargon, to effectively
persuade the majority of
their specific audience
into accepting their
argument.

When discussing the

minimum legal drinking
age, many authors
within different
disciplineseconomics,
public health, and
entertainmentuse
various studies as
evidence, different
jargon, and moves to
effectively persuade the
majority of their specific
audience into accepting
their argument.

I combined the sentence

before it and the thesis to
avoid repetitiveness and
to start off with a specific
flow of all the points I
was going to hit on
throughout the essay.

#2

Start off describing the

similarities/differences of
the articles in their use of
evidencespecifically
the economist using
tables as evidence to
make an argument.

Start off describing the

similarities/differences
of the articles in their
use of evidence
specifically the
economist using
quantitative and
demographic date as
evidence to make an
argument.

Mainly, I was more

specific as to what type
of date economists use as
part of their conventions.

#3

The public health author

and the magazine writer
using different types of
evidence according to
their audience.

Specifically, how the

public health author
uses public health
studies as evidence to
make her argument.

Again, I was more

specific as to what type
of evidence it used by
the academic writers. I
also separated the
paragraphs.

#4

The vocabulary the

academic articles contain
and why it caters to its
audience.

The evidence the nonacademic article uses

and it differs from the
economists evidence to
make an argument.

I was more clear about

how even though the
academic papers are the
same genre, they use
evidence differently, but
all three authors use
evidence in their own
way.

#5

The vocabulary of the

magazine article and how
it caters to its audience.

The jargon that is used

in the academic articles
is very specific to the
discipline and its
audience.

I was more clearly about

the effectiveness of
jargon in the disciplines.

#6

The effective move the

public health author uses
to organize her article.

The jargon within the

non-academic article is
easier to understand by
most people.

I separated the nonacademic article to

demonstrate its success
for a broader audience.

#7

Concluded the success

and failure of academic
and non-academic
articles in making
arguments.

The effective move the

public health author
uses to organize her
article.

I talked about moves last

because they are last in
the thesis.

#8

The effective move the

magazine author uses to
appease her audience.

I added another move

because one was not
enough for the flow of
the thesis.

#9

Concluded the success

and failure of academic
and non-academic
articles in making
arguments.

I kept mostly the same

conclusion because it
was successful in
keeping the main idea of
my paper.

The revision outlines really made me see how confusing, long, and all over the place
some of my paragraphs wereespecially in my first WP. I really tried to vastly improve the
overall flow of my paragraphs beginning with my thesis. I made sure to follow the path my thesis
set, so the reader would know what I would be describing next. I definitely shortened my quotes,

separated the paragraphs because even I was lazy to read some of them when just looking at how
long they were. A really big thing I tried to focus on, was making sure my sentences made sense
and that I wasnt just randomly including thoughts out of nowhere. I tried to do the same thing
with my paragraphs, again for the same reasons. I really do hope the organization of my WPs
improved as much as I think it did.