Text from my initial

WP submission:

When talking to a
group of elementary
kids

An observation or
question I received
from De Piero or a
class mate:
What do you mean
by "elementary
kids"?

The change(s) I
mad to what I
initially wrote:

How this change

impacts my paper:

When talking to a
group of adolescents
in high school

It is a similar
example but it better
specifies what I
mean which makes it
easier to understand.
how Johannes is
I changed everything
adapting his writing
to a present time
style, providing
instead of past to
credibility, and
better apply
identifying his
parallelism to the
audience,
sentence. This makes
more sense for the
reader.
identify his audience, I changed the
he show how
semicolon to a
comma. The
autocorrect
suggested a
semicolon so the
lesson from this is to
not trust
autocorrecting if you
do not know the
writing rules behind
how to use them.
He explains, The
Added a quote from
first time I was
Johannes to further
looking for investors, increase the
people were laughing understanding
at me because I had
no education and no
work experience.

Johannes is adapting
his style, provides
credibility, and
knows his audience

You're missing an
opportunity to use
parallelism here.

and knows his

audience; it shows
how

I think youre mixing

up commas and
semicolons here

Johannes mentioned
how being young in
the business world is
tough and without
credibility and
experience, people
do not take you
seriously
what he has
accomplished which
makes him credible

Are there any good

direct quotes from
him that convey this?

You already stated

this. Tell me once,
then keep the train
rolling.

Kept this sentence

but removed the first
sentence which
mentioned
credibility.

Johannes provided

Use your topic

To give me examples

I choose to
restructure the
paragraph and
remove one of the
sentences to avoid
too much repetition.
I decided to

me with a few
different documents
which show how the
writing is important
for him when it
comes to conducting
business.

sentences to be
super-clear and
specific. Tell me
what the documents
are in it!

He gave me four
different emails
which all follow the
same kind of style

What kind of emails?

How could you
categorize them in
terms of different
genres?
Alright, so I'm
wondering: what's
this paragraph
"about"?

By always being
connected to social
media, email, and
phone, the customers
can easily connect
with him if they have
questions (Cont)

The conversation is
most often filled with
numbers which
makes it more
informative than
other styles (Cont)

This is useful
information to know,
but it's only useful
for this
paper/assignment if
it's tied to your data
somehow.

The knowledge of
which kind of
communicator your
audience is

OK, so who is
Johaness' audience?

of how Johannes is
normally
communicating with
his customers, he
provided me with
four emails that he
believes play a
significant role for
him when it comes to
conduct business
The four emails did
all have a very
informative style

introduce what kind

of documents in the
first sentence to
make the topic
sentence more clear
and specific.

I removed most of
the paragraph to
avoid several topics
in the same
paragraph.

Since the topic

sentence and the
content of the
paragraph did not
match, I removed
most of it and
replaced it with
information
supporting the topic.
I choose to remove
most of the
paragraphs since it
did not contribute to
the topic of the
paper.

Instead of having
two page-long
paragraphs about
different
communication
styles, I narrowed it
down to a half-page
paragraph.
He specifies, Since I
know my target
market is teenaged
guys in college who
lives a couple of
miles from campus
and work three or
four times a week, I
need to adapt my
communication style
to attract that kind
[of people].

It is easier to
understand what type
of email it is if I give
more details.

The quote from

Johannes describing
his audience was
originally in the
following paragraph
but I decided to
move it up to this
paragraph to make it
more clear about
what audience
Johannes has.

As an example, one
email explains that
the delivery of the
board is two weeks
late due to a delayed
transfer payment to
the factory but as
soon as the transfer is
completed, the
boards will be
shipped to Shanghai
Airport and then by
air to each customer.
The third and last
part of rhetoric is
logos which involves
the logical part of the
message
Clear communication
is the key to share
information
efficiently between
the sender and the
receiver. By adapting
the style, provide
credibility, and know
your audience; the
message can be
structured in
different ways to
better apply to the
person receiving the
message which will
ease the
understanding of the
information.
No quotes in the first
draft.

This is great. Tell me

more. Bring in some
textual evidence.

By knowing his
audience, Johannes
figured out the best
way to communicate
with them is through
an intuitive style of
communication

Adding a sentence to
give more evidence
and also added a
quote from a second
email to give more
examples.

Do you think it
would benefit your
paper/argument if
you brought this into
the "conversation"
Include your
interview object in
the thesis to make the
paper more specific.
(Peer Feedback)

Moved the paragraph

from being paragraph
number nine to
number four.

Introduces the
information earlier to
get a better flow
throughout the paper.

By looking at how
Johannes is adapting
his writing style,
providing credibility,
and identifying his
audience, he show
how the structure of
his message is
important to better
apply to his audience
which will ease the
understanding of his
communication.

The importance of a
narrow topic is
essential and I
believe Maxs
suggestion did
improve the overall
structure of the
paper.

Try to embed two or

three quotes to make
the interview play a
bigger role for the
paper

Added three quotes

from Johannes

The added quotes

enhanced the
understanding of the
paper and it did also
focus the paper more
on Johannes than
writing in general.