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DylanRainbow

ProfessorGregMcClure
Writing39B
5November2015
PeerReviewPart2(forCathyPham)
1.

Thesis:
MaryGaitskills
TheOtherSide
isadisturbingnarrativeofanoutwardly

ordinaryman.Bysubvertinganumberofconventionsofthehorrorgenre,withcriteriaespoused
byLouisCarrolsessay,TheNatureofHorror,andbyemployingsuchspecificrhetorical
strategiesasuntraditionalnarrativepointofviewanduniqueplotstructure,theshortstoryforces
itsaudiencetoperceivetheprotagonistasbothamanandamonster.Theseconflicting
characterizationsdevelopintoGaitskillsmetaphorforthetimesinwhichourhumanistic
inclinationstoviewourworldwithhopethreatensourexistence.

1. Thenarratorseemstobepartofthenaturalorder,butasthestoryprogresses,thereader
beginstoseethetruemonsteremerge.
2. Ratherthanallowingtheaudiencetotraditionallyrecognizetheprotagonists
monstrositybymirroringthereactionsoftheothercharacters,Gaitskillforcesthe
audiencetolooktoothermeansinordertovalidatetheirownsuspicions.
3. Gaitskillsubvertsexpectationsbymakingthemaincharacterthemonster.

Yourtopicparagraphsworkprettywellasfarasbeingconsistentwiththethesisstatement,but
theycouldbemoreclearandeffectiveregardingthelogicalflowofideasIdontseehow

rearrangingtheseparagraphswouldmakeanysignificantdifferenceintheend.Makesurethat
eachoneisasteptowardsprovingyourclaim,andmakesurethattheclaimisclear.

2.Bodyparagraphsaregenerallywellfocused,exceptforthefirstone,whichgetsalittlemessy
asitprogresses.Itsnotclearwhatthetopicis,anditseemstocovermorethanone.Forthat
paragraph,youmaywanttosplititupintooneconcerninghisfittingintothenaturalorderand
anotherabouthisrelationshipwithhisparents.Underneaththeguiseofhisnormalcy,the
relationshipbetweenthenarratorandhisparentsindicatesanabnormalityinhischaracter
mightbeagoodtopicsentencefortheaddedparagraph.Otherwise,itseemsyouhavegood
evidenceandtheparagraphiswellwritten.Justmakesurethatthetopicsentencesareclearand
specific,andtheyshouldusuallybethefirstsentenceortwo.

3.Inthesecondbodyparagraph,thelastsentenceseemstobethetopicsentence,soitshould
perhapscomefirst.Makesurethatyouproperlyciteanyquotesyouuse.Otherthanthat,thisone
looksprettygood!Butwhenyousay,Oneauthoritywhoseperceptionthattheaudiencewould
traditionallymirror,thisdoesntseemtocorrelateexactlywiththeCarrollquotethatyou
usedbeforeit.Justmakesurethatthequotementionssomethingabouttheaudiencemirroring
thecharacters.Also,youdontexactlyspecifywhattheconventioniswhataboutthe
affectiveresponsesofthecharactersinthestoriestothemonsterstheymeet?Whatarethey?

4.Youdefinitelyshowfamiliaritywiththematerial,whichcontributestotheacademicethos.
Youuseplentyofevidencefromthetextaswellasothersources(fornow,justCarroll,butof

courseyoullhavemore)Vocabulary,grammar,sentencestructurearemostlygoodaswell.One
suggestionistoavoidusingphrasessuchasWithregardsto,asthissuggestsasudden
switchingoftopic,ratherthanasmoothtransition.Theflowofideasisntperfect,butthebasic
ideasarestillmadefairlyclear,whichisgood.Theyjustneedtoberearrangedabit
inplaces.
Thechoiceofsourceevidenceseemsstrong,especiallyinthesecondbodyparagraph.However,
Ithinkyouneedtomakesureyouareconsistentlyperformingthethreestepmethodwithyour
quotesinthefirstbodyparagraph,thequotesareintroducedbutnotreallyexplained,soitsa
littlehardtofollow.

5.WordChoice:
Inthesecondsentence,Ibelievethewordespousedisnotthebestchoicewhileperhaps
accuratetechnically,astrongerchoicemightbeestablishedorpresented.
Alsointheintro,Idonotbelievethatthestoryforcestheaudiencetoseethenarratorasaman
andamonster.Youmightsaythattheauthorintendsthis,butwedonotknowwhatthereader
feels.
Throughouttheessay,trytoreplacethewordregard,aspreviouslymentioned.
Wordiness:
Idontseeanysentencesthatcouldbesignificantlyreducedinsize.
SentenceStructure/Variety:
lastsentence:
Theaudienceactsastheprotagonistwieldingtheknowledgeofthetrueidentity
ofthemonsterwithnoonetoreceivethisknowledgefortheirownbenefitandsafety.

Revised:Wieldingtheknowledgeofthetrueidentityofthemonster,thereaderactsasthe
protagonist,whichmeansthatnooneinthestorycanreceivethisinformationfortheirown
benefit.

Inthethesis:TheseconflictingcharacterizationsdevelopintoGaitskillsmetaphorforthetimes
inwhichourhumanisticinclinationstoviewourworldwithhopethreatensourexistence.
Usingactionverbstodescribewhattheauthordoesmakesforamoreimpressive(andrhetorical)
claim:Gaitskillusestheseconflictingcharacterizationstodevelopametaphordescribingthe
timesinwhichwearethreatenedbythehumanisticinclinationtoviewtheworldwithasenseof
hope.

Secondparagraph:InCarrols
TheNatureofHorror
,heexaminesthetermsoftheargument
withrespecttothedefinitionofmonsterinthehorrorgenre:

Revised:Inhisessay,TheNatureofHorror,Carrollexaminestheconventionalrelationship
betweenthemonsterandothercharacters: