SayingWhatsReal:SevenKeystoAuthenticCommunication

BySusanCampbell.Ph.D.(authorofGettingReal,TruthinDating,TheGettingReal
CardGame,TheTruthinDatingCardGame,TheTruthatWorkCardGame,and
SayingWhatsReal)

In this short article, you will learn what I have found to be the seven statements necessary for
relationships success. Whether in love, work, or family relationships, everyone needs to know
how to show up authentically in difficult or awkward situations. If you commit to using the seven
keysin your significant relationships, I guarantee you will have more vital, authentic, respectful,
and enjoyable relationships.

Communicationbetweenpeopleisamultilayeredprocess.Becauseofthisfact,manyof
usfeelinadequateinourattemptstounderstandothersandbeunderstood.Wheneverany
twopeopletrytocommunicate,thereareatleasttwolevelstothatcommunication:the
overt,consciousmessageandthecovert,hiddenmessage.Theovertmessageconsistsof
thewordswehearandthegestureswesee.Thehiddenmessagehasmoretodowiththe
intentbehindthewords.Thisissomethingweordinarilyoverlookbecausewedonthave
thelanguagetodealwithit.Considerthisexample:asJayentershisassistantRobertas
office,sheannounces,ImalmostfinishedwiththePowerPointpresentation.Andthen
Illgettoredoingthepromopieceforthetradeshow,andmaybeiftherestimetoday,
IlldothebudgetreportleftoverfromFriday.Theovertmessagehereissome
informationaboutwhatsheisworkingon.Whatsthehiddenmessage?Sheistelling
himthatsheisoverwhelmedwithtoomuchtodo,thathedbestnotaskanythingmore
ofhertoday.

JayreceivesandregistersRobertasmessageonbothlevels.Hehearsherwords.
Andhefeelsadiscomfortinhisguttheressomethingaboutherwhatshesaidthat
justdoesntsitwellwithhim.But,likemostpeople,Jayhasnotbeentrainedtoputvalue
onhissubtlergutlevelreactions.Sohenodsroboticallyandgiveshisusualreply:
Okay.Thanksfortellingme.
Acommunicationlikethisleavesbothpeoplewithasenseofincompleteness.
Theressomethingbetweenthemthathasnotbeenacknowledged.Thenexttimetheyare
together,thatunfinishedbusinesswillaffecthowrelaxedandconnectedtheyfeelwith
eachother.Intime,asmoreandmoreoftheseincompletecommunicationsrecur,their
communicationchannelwillbecomemoreclogged.
IfJayhadbettercommunicationskills,hemightnoticetheuneasyfeelinginhis
gutandcommentonitinsteadofgoingonautomatic.IfhehadaccesstowhatIcallthe
SevenKeystoAuthenticCommunication,hemightrespond,Hearingyousaythat,I
feeluncomfortable.Areyoutellingmethatyourenotavailabletotakeonanymore
workthisweek?
Usingthekeyphrase,Hearingyousaythat,IfeelgivesJayaleadintostay
presenttohisfeelingsandthoughtsaboutwhathejustheard.Ithelpshimpayattentionto
hismoredeeplyfeltbutsubtlerreactions,enablinghimtorespondinamoreauthentic
way.

TheSevenKeys

Hereisasummaryofthesevenkeys,alongwithbriefdescriptionsofhowand
whereyoumightuseeach.

Key#1:Hearingyousaythat,Ifeel
Whensomeonegivesyoufeedback,offersanopinion,orcommentsaboutany
sharedexperience,youarelikelytohaveafeelingresponseevenifyouarenotawareof
it.Thiskeypromptsyoutocheckinwithyourselfyourfeelingsandbodilysensations
beforerespondingsoyourresponsewillbeauthenticratherthanautomatic.

Key#2:Iwant
Thisphraseismeanttobefollowedbysomethingspecificthatyouwantinthis
moment,forexample:IwantyoutolistenuntilImfinishedbeforeresponding.When
youaskforwhatyouwantatatimewhenyouareactuallyfeelingit,theothercanfeel
theclarityandenergeticpowerofyourcontact.Forthisreasonyouaremorelikelyto
haveyourwantfulfilled.

Key#3:Ihavesomefeelingstoclear.
Thisstatementopensthewayforyoutoresolveuncomfortablefeelingsor
unfinishedbusinesswithsomeone.Doingsoenablesthetwoofyoutogetoverwhatever
oldbusinessyouhaveandgetbacktoamoreeffectiveworkingrelationshipwitheach
other.Asyouprobablyknow,whenyouharborwithholds,youarenotabletobefully
present.

Youprobablyhavesomeoneinyourlifewithwhomyouhaveleftthings
unresolvedorincomplete.Ifyoucanbringyourselftoatleastbegintheconversationby
usingthissentence,itsagoodfirststeptoopeningthetopicupfordiscussionsoitcan
eventuallybeputtorest.
Key#4:Imgettingtriggered.
Weallgetourbuttonspushedsometimes.Thiskeyphrasehelpsyourecoverfromthose
momentswhenyouautomaticallyreactaggressivelyordefensively.Ithelpsyouaccept
thatyouarenotalwayscompletelypresentandselfaware.Itgivesyouaquickandeasy
waytogetyourselfbackintopresenttimeafteroneofyourunconsciousfearbuttonshas
beenpushed.
Whenyouhavethiskeyreadytoputintopracticewheneveryouoverreact,you
haveawayofbuyingtimetocheckin,getreconnectedwithyourself,andperhapsrevise
yourearlierresponse.

Key#5:Iappreciateyoufor
Thisphrasepromptsyoutoexpressinspecifictermsyourgratitudeforsomething
someonedidorsaid.Itletssomeoneknowhowherbehaviorimpactedyou.Assuch,its
alsoagreatwaytoshowtheotherhowyouliketobedealtwith.Anditpromptsyouto
celebratethethingsyouaregratefulforevensmallthings.
Whensomeonesaysordoessomethingthatyouappreciate,tellhimorher
rightthenandthere.Thisbringsthetwoofyouintopowerful,positivepresenttime
contact.

Key#6:Ihearyou,andIhaveadifferentperspective.
Thiscompoundsentenceisusefulwhentwopeoplehaveadifferenceinneedsorviews.
Manypeoplefeardifferences.Theyseetheseasathreat.But,ifworkedwithconsciously,
differencescanleadtomoreinnovativeorsustainablesolutions.Thissentencehelps
peoplecenterthemselvesintherealitythattherearetwopointsofviewgoingonintheir
discussion.Andithelpspeoplelearntohangintherethroughtheuncomfortableperiod
ofambiguitythatoccurswhilepartnersareworkingout.

Key#7:Canwetalkabouthowwerefeeling?
Iftwopeoplearegoingtolearnfromanexperience,especiallyadifficultor
frustratingone,theyneedtobeabletostoptheaction,stepback,andwitnessthat
experience.Youcouldsaysomethinglike,Canwetakealookatwhatshappening?Im
feelingfrustratedwiththisconversation.Howaboutyou?Thatwouldbeyourleadinto
steppingback,rewindingthetape,andlookingtogetheratwhatjusthappenedtoseeif
eitherofyouwouldliketochangeanything.

MakingtheSevenKeysYours
Nowthatyouknowthesesevenkeyphrases,thenextstepistomakethemyours
bypracticingthemwiththesignificantpeopleinyourlife.Youmightpassalongthis
article(orthebook,SayingWhatsReal)tosomeoneinyourlifeandexplainthatyou

wouldliketohavearelationshipwhereyoubothcommittoclearingtheairandkeeping
itclear.

Based on the book Saying Whats Real. Copyright 2005 Susan M.

Campell. Reprinted with permission of H J Kramer/New World Library,
Novato, CA. www.newworldlibrary.com.