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The names and identifying details about some individuals in this book have
been changed to protect their privacy.
21 days to resilience. Copyright 2016 by Zelana Montminy, Psy.D. All
rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No part of this
book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written
permission except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles
and reviews. For information address HarperCollins Publishers, 195 Broadway, New York, NY 10007.
HarperCollins books may be purchased for educational, business, or sales
promotional use. For information please e-mail the Special Markets Department at SPsales@harpercollins.com.
HarperCollins website: http://www.harpercollins.com
first edition
Designed by Claudia Smelser
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Names: Montminy, Zelana, author.
Title: 21 days to resilience : how to transcend the daily grind, deal with the
tough stuff, and discover your strongest self / Zelana Montminy.
Other titles: Twenty one days to resilience
Description: n : HarperElixir, 2016. | Description based on print version
record and CIP data provided by publisher; resource not viewed.
Identifiers: LCCN 2016005188 (print) | LCCN 2015049478 (ebook) |
isbn 9780062428783 (e-book) | isbn 9780062428776 (hardback)
| isbn 9780062470294 (audio)
Subjects: LCSH: Resilience (Personality trait) | Adjustment (Psychology)
| BASIC: SELF-HELP / Personal Growth / Happiness. | BODY, MIND &
SPIRIT / Inspiration & Personal Growth. | PSYCHOLOGY / Emotions.
Classification: LCC BF698.35.R47 (print) | LCC BF698.35.R47 M66 2016
(ebook) DDC 158.1dc23
LC record available at http://lccn.loc.gov/2016005188
1617181920rrd(h)10987654321
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Contents
Introduction
Week 1Self
Day 1 Habit 15
Day 2 Hope 27
Day 3 Health 39
Day 4 Control 47
Day 5 Playfulness 55
Week 2Spirit
Day 6
Self-Respect 63
Day 7
Self-Awareness 69
Day 8
Realistic Optimism 79
Day 9 Mindfulness 89
Day 10 Integrity 97
Day 11 Spirituality 107
Day 12 Flexibility 115
Day 13 Perseverance 121
Day 14 Acceptance 135
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Week 3Social
Daily Log
201
Afterword
203
Acknowledgments
207
Notes 211
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Introduction
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Introduction
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Introduction
out once and expect results. In the same vein, once you achieve
the results you want, you cant just stop working out and expect
to maintain the same muscle tone. These are simple tools that
will help you build resilience and be happier. If you stick with
it, and integrate them into your life consistently, you will enjoy
countless benefits all around.
Lets get to it.
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Week 1
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Self
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Day 1
Habit
aristotle
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21 Days to Resilience
Well, now a busy mom of two, I clearly see how much routine
can make someone feel in control. And happy. Secure. Resilient. Without routine or if theres any change in routine, my
kids are thrown off. Their behavior suffers; their sleep suffers
(and so do their parents!). As a scientist, I was always curious
about why children are so thrown off by a change in routine.
Routines and habits signal the brain that everything is as it
always is and should be; their safety net is ripped from under
them as the brain notices change. While toddlers have an
extreme need for routine, its a universal example that extends
to adults as well.
We are biologically wired to need habits. Approximately
40 percent of our day is spent performing habitual, automatic
tasks.1 Were mostly on autopilot because its easyand reliability makes us feel safe. A new skill becomes a habit when the
repetitive behavior converts into something that is mechanical,
something we dont have to waste energy to even think about.2
Good habits are healthy, protective, and productive. They help
us be more resilient by providing consistency and security, so
we can focus our energy on other things, such as problem solving and bouncing back from adversity. So why do p
eople have
bad habits if theyre clearly not helping us in any way? Bad
habits still give us a sense of comfort that makes them hard to
break since theyre so dependable. They are there for a reason,
usually fulfilling some subconscious need. And we tend to get
used to things quickly, even if theyre not good for us, because
we get a reward from the behavior. Behaviors such as eating
even after were full (because were bored), watching too much
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Day 1Habit
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21 Days to Resilience
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Day 1Habit
change bad habits and make good ones.8 I used to check e-mail
and news right after I woke up, before the morning rush consumed me. It was getting in the way of my productivity, and I
was distracted from family time. It wasnt helpful personally
or professionally. To change this habit, I took away the cueso
I now leave my phone downstairs before I go up to bed. I love
the reward of having more time for my husband, my children,
and myself in the morning. I now have no desire to check my
phone immediately after waking up and sometimes even wait
until after breakfast to turn it on.
Take Stock
What sort of habits do you have? Think about things you do
every day. It may take more time than you think to do this,
since habits can be so ingrained in our routine that you may
not easily recall even doing them. What do you do right when
you wake up? After that? Do you eat the same thing for breakfast every day? Thats a habit, too! Take inventory of your habits, and list them below according to time of day.
After waking _________________________________
Early morning ________________________________
Midmorning _________________________________
Late morning ________________________________
Lunchtime__________________________________
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21 Days to Resilience
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Day 1Habit
Heads UpBe careful not to confuse habits with goals. Habits can support goals long-term, but ultimately think of habits
as a way to reach a certain goal. For example, wanting to eat
healthier is a goal, not a habit. But there are many habits you can
choose to support that goal, such as stocking your fridge with
fresh, colorful produce, prewashed and cut so its ready to eat,
and with precooked healthy grains such as quinoa and millet so
you can prepare fast and easy meals after a long day. This habit
will support your goal to improve nutrition.
Daily Dos
Morning: Dont just vow to introduce a new healthy cue into
your morning routine based on your current goalsalso actually make it physically easier on yourself to do. If you want to
start the day with a glass of warm lemon water to improve
digestion and circulation, leave a lemon and cup on your
kitchen counter the night before. You want to start your day
with ten minutes of exercise? Leave out your yoga mat with a
preset timer as a cue. If you want to start drinking tea instead
of coffee, put away the coffee machine and put a tea bag in a
cup by the teapot! If talking to your mom is a trigger for you to
revert to childish rhetoric, wear a rubber band and snap it on
your wrist when your mom calls to remind you to stay true to
who you are. These are pretty straightforwardbut simplicity
is key here. The more complicated you make things, the harder
it will be to stick with.
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21 Days to Resilience
List three cues that trigger a new habit that you are going to
introduce this week, and describe how you are going to implement them:
1. __________________________________________
2. __________________________________________
3. __________________________________________
Day: Change your environment. Think about the last time
you were on vacation. I guarantee you didnt do all the same
things you do at home. Perhaps you woke up and took a walk
outside, instead of jumping on social media and surfing Instagram. If youd been overeating because of anxiety or boredom at home, you didnt do that on vacation because you were
with a group of people or had others at the hotel to talk with.
You stopped smoking because you were too busy snorkeling.
With varying surroundings, cues are different, rewards are different, and you feel different, right? Unfortunately, you cant
just hop on a plane at any time, but you can take a short break
from your usual routineeven just taking a walk outside will
reframe your mind and help redirect habits youre looking
to shift. Notice what cues change and how you want to build
on that when you get back home. For example, if you didnt
feel the urge to smoke while on a hike, notice what about the
hike fulfilled you and made you not want to smoke. What are
the cues at home or at work that make you want to smoke?
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Day 1Habit
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21 Days to Resilience
List five bad habits you want to change. Which cue will you
take away, and what will you replace it with?
1. Habit:______________________________________
Cue removal:_________________________________
Replacement:________________________________
2. Habit:______________________________________
Cue removal:_________________________________
Replacement:________________________________
3. Habit:______________________________________
Cue removal:_________________________________
Replacement:________________________________
4. Habit:______________________________________
Cue removal:_________________________________
Replacement:________________________________
5. Habit:______________________________________
Cue removal:_________________________________
Replacement:________________________________
Lifelong: Changing long-held habits is not an easy feat.
Often the cue that you think is triggering the habit isnt as simple as you imagine it to be.9 A good way to filter through all
the complexity is to write down details about a particular habit
youre trying to change. What are you feeling at that moment?
Where are you? Whos around you? What time is it? What else
do you notice? Take notes every day in a separate notebook,
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Day 1Habit
and youll start to see patterns. These clues will lead you to
expose the cues that are spurring the habitual behavior. Once
youve established this, you can plan to replace the cue with
something else that will lead to a positive reward.
One of my clients wanted to change her habit of working at her desk through lunch while most of her colleagues
ate together in the break room. She thought it was because
she just had too much work to do. She started to write down
details surrounding the habit; for example, when p
eople would
gather around noon, she would start to sweat and look down
at her phone to avoid eye contact. We realized that she was
actually very shy and didnt want to socialize. She still was
rewarded socially by filtering through her Facebook and In
stagram accounts, but it wasnt giving her the interaction she
truly wanted to have. She was hiding at her desk, and this had
become a habit. We were able to work through changing her
cues, such as locating a friend to meet her in the break room
before others arrived, and generated similar social rewards.
This change took a lot of time and effort, but it paid off, and
she now feels much more fulfilled. Habits are tough to reprogram. But understanding how habits work and knowing how
to replace them with others will help you shift them for the
betterand increase your resilience bit by bit.
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21 Days to Resilience