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Writing 2 Revision Matrix

Text from my
initial WP
submission:

An observation
or question I
received from De
Piero or a
classmate:

The change(s) I
made to what I
initially wrote:

How this change


impacts my
paper:

Some common
qualities of NFL
articles are the
centering of articles
on household names,
coverage of a current
or upcoming event in
the league, or
statistical analysis of
players and teams
games. Yet, these are
not necessarily
present in all NFL
articles and there are
many more
components to them.

I really like how you


mentioned specific
conventions here,
Zach, because I (the
reader) will know
what I should be
looking out for.
However, I'm
wondering about the
"so what?" of this
thesis.

Between an ESPN,
Bleacher Report, and
Sports Illustrated you
can see several moves
repeated by the
authors from different
sources and these
moves are what create
the genre of sports
editorials. Some of
these moves are: the
centering of articles
on household names,
coverage of a current
or upcoming event in
the league, and stat
lines of players and
teams performances.

This is my thesis
statement and revised
thesis statement from
WP 1, and according
to Zacks comments it
was a little vague and
didnt directly apply
to the sources I was
using. The way that I
fixed this issue is by
mentioning each
source specifically,
having a more
specific arguing
point, and then giving
a brief overview of
what those arguing
points are. By doing
this I think that I not
only gave my paper a
clearer direction, but I
also created a more
arguable statement.

To create this casual


tone the author does
not use many large or
uncommon words and
by inserting direct
quotes as part of his
sentence structure,
making the article
flow almost like a
conversation at some

Convince me of this.
Hook me up with
some textual
evidence.

To create this casual


tone, the author uses
everyday language
like when he
mentions the
numbers [Bradford]
was able to put up or
when he says Sams
a quality quarterback
(ESPN, 1). This isnt

Basically what I got


from Zacks comment
was that while I was
telling my audience
that the author uses
casual language I
needed to give an
example. So that is
what I did, I re-read
my article and found

Writing Project 1

OK, these NFL


articles have
similarities and
differences -- so
what? Why is that
worth knowing? Who
does/might that
matter to, and why?

points.

language you would


expect to see in an
academic article
because those tend to
be more formal; an
academic article
would probably use a
word like statistics
instead of numbers
or better than
average instead of
quality. The use of
casual language
makes this article a
quick and easy read
for the audience.

a few examples that


supported what I was
saying. This evidence
makes it so my
audience has no
choice but to believe
what I am writing. I
also italicized words
that I thought
emphasized how
casual the language
was to draw the
readers attention
specifically to those
words.

This is relevant to not


only the the
upcoming offseason,
but to the future of
the team...

OK, but how/why is


this related to your
main argument?

The article also uses


relevance of current
events to attract a
readers interest.

In this instance I was


not relating my
evidence to my
argument. To do this
not only did I slightly
reword my thesis so
that this would fit in,
but I also began a
new paragraph and
changed my wording
a bit so that it directly
connected to my
thesis.

This coverage of
Manning and Brady
comes right before
the AFC
championship game,
which will decide
who goes to the Super
Bowl. This is not only
an upcoming and
current event, but
probably the second
largest NFL event of
the year. The
spectacle of the AFC
championship with

OK, so what I'm


getting here is that
context plays a big
part on what'
happening here.

This coverage of
Manning and Brady
comes right before
the AFC
championship game,
which will decide
who goes to the Super
Bowl. The author
does an excellent job
of using the big
names of Manning
and Brady to create
appeal for the article
due to anticipation of
the soon-to-come

While I did not


directly bring in
context like Zack
said, I used the idea
of the context of a
matchup between
Brady and Manning
to say that the writer
is creating appeal to
his article with the
use of their names.
Which goes back to
my thesis statement.

Worth bringing this


into your main
argument?

the big names of Tom


Brady and Peyton
Manning creates an
appeal

game.

...creates an attitude
of awe for the reader
who will probably be
drooling in front of
their TV watching the
matchup

So what does this do


to/for the reader?
Does it get them to
continuing reading
the piece to its
conclusion? Or to
read more of this
author's work? Or
something more
significant?

N/A

I deleted this sentence


altogether and then
edited the closing to
the paragraph. This
did not relate to my
argument and didnt
really improve my
paper so I decided to
get rid of it

...stat lines which


proves just how
irrelevant they were

So I'm wondering
what you're
ultimately getting at
here: stat lines do...
what... for the piece,
exactly? That's a
rhetorical device that
impacts
readers/writers/thisgenre in what kind of
way?

By providing stats the


article is able to
establish credibility
with its audience,
because it now has
proof to back up what
the author is writing

In my original
sentence I was just
basically saying that
stats are important.
Zacks comment
made me realize that I
needed to tell why the
listing of stats is
important, which I
did. In doing so, I was
also able to better
relate the statement to
my thesis

Writing Project 2
When writing one has
a choice of what
genre to write in.
While this may seem
like a small step it is
actually the first
major step in the
writing process.

Yawwwwwnnnn...

How do you like to


write? Well, to begin
Z-Man, get me jazzed to answer that
up about reading this question you have to
piece! What seemed
start by figuring out
interesting to you?
what genre youre
What's unique? What writing in.
matters?

I realized after seeing


Zacks comment that
my opening was just
flat-out boring. So, I
deleted and started
those first two
sentences from
scratch. I decided to
get the reader hooked
with a question at
first and then slowly
introducing them to
the topic. Hopefully
this intro doesnt

make you yawn as


well.
While these articles
cover the same topic,
intercultural
interactions, they
each do it differently
and some more
effectively than
others.

Zach, I held off until


the 2nd paragraph to
see if this is where
your thesis statement
is (which is
unorthodox, but
totally OK. think:
conventions, not
rules!), and it looks
like this is it...
I need more of a
specific, driving
thesis statement.
What, exactly, are
you going to be
arguing here? And
what specific points
are you going to use
to make that case?
What about the
conventions within
this genre will you be
emphasizing? And
what about moves?
Get specific -- much
more specific.
The introductory
paragraph(s) is so
crucial for readers
because it provides
them with the
expectations for your
whole piece. The
more direction you
give me, the more
focused my reading
will be --- and the
more I'll be able to
take away from your
piece.

Academic and nonacademic articles


both present
information in
different manners;
academic articles use
jargon, audience
expectations, and
structure to create
rapport; nonacademic articles use
attention grabbing
titles, outside
research, and casual
language to establish
an informal tone. The
question can be
posed, is one style
more effective than
the other?

I decided to go a little
unorthodox with this
one and put my thesis
in the second
paragraph, which
would have been
effective if I had a
better thesis
statement. Basically
what I got from what
Zack said I needed to
narrow down my
thesis and make it
specific to my
articles, which is
exactly what I did. I
tried to get as specific
as I could while
staying within that 12 sentence thesis
statement range. I
think I did this
effectively and that
also made it easier to
connect my body
paragraphs to my
thesis statement.

...research from
psychologists about
the leading social
psychology theory on
how different groups
of people relate to
each other (Hua, 1).
By using
psychological
research the author is
giving validity to her
claims

What is the research,


exactly? And how is
it different from the
scholarly pieces?
What research did
they bring into their
articles? And why?

Each of these writers


has a different
purpose...

Didn't you mention in


an earlier paragraph
these articles all seek
to "persuade or
inform the reader"?
Does this contradict
that statement? (Or
vice versa?)

In the geography
abstract the purpose
can be seen through
its structure starting
with the abstract,
moving on to the
introduction, then
to the methodology,
and so on which

This is useful to
N/A
know, but how does it
relate back to your
main argument?

What insights can we


learn from what data
they use? Through
what lenses do they
"see" culture?

The research that the


author presents comes
in the form of a bar
graph showing that
people with less
contact with people
of other nationalities
are more prejudiced
than those who have
more contact with
other nationalities

While I was on the


right track with my
original statement, I
needed to give more
detail for my reader
to fully grasp what I
was saying. To do this
I described how the
author presents her
research and
summarized what that
research meant. By
doing this I am not
just asking my
audience to trust me, I
am giving them proof
of why they should
trust me.

Each of these writers


has multiple
purposes, and they go
about accomplishing
those purposes by
using specific moves
and conventions that
fit the genre and their
purposes

Earlier in my paper I
said that all of the
authors shared the
same purpose of
persuasion. What I
was trying to say here
is that although they
share that purpose, an
author normally has
several purposes they
are trying to
accomplish. I poorly
described this
originally and just
needed to edit my
wording so that I did
not contradict myself.
I did not end up
editing this paper.
The reason being, I
edited my thesis
statement and I
thought that with the
edits that I made this
sentence now fits in
with my argument.

establishes a formal
tone which achieves
the purpose of purely
informing (Chen,
Yang, 262-266
N/A

Your paper was


N/A
submitted in 11-point
font. Once I changed
it to 12-point font, it
expanded to a full
extra page (and past
the 5 to 6-page max).
That's more than a
line or two, so I'm not
going to read it.

I edited down some


of the information
and resized the font,
and now it fits within
the page limit.

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