REVISION MATRIX: WP1

Text from my
initial WP
submission:
(a phrase,
sentence,
paragraph, idea,
move, punctuation,
piece of evidence,
etc.)

An observation or
question I received
from De Piero or a
classmate:

The change(s) I
made to what I
initially wrote: (ie,
the change[s] I
made to column 1)

How this
change
impacts my
paper:

I think when you have

an idea of what a
movie will be and
watching it makes you
realize it is the
complete opposite is
annoying and it just
ruins your day for a
while

This sentence was a

little bit tough for me
to get through -- any
way you could maybe
chop it down a bit?
Sometimes less is
more.

I think that it is a very

frustrating moment
when your expectations
of a movie are not
necessarily accurate
after watching the film
and you become
disappointed with it.

Rearrange
my sentence
so that it had
a better flow
in my paper.

I will look into

rhetorical features like:
audience, tone,
purpose, style and
conventions of the
paper to see how they
all build a description
together. I will focus
on the comical movie
descriptions for; The
Hangover Part II,
White Chicks, and
Scary Movie to show
readers the similarities
and difference of each
genre depending on
the examples.

Alright, this thesis is pretty

solid, Cassy -- you're
almost there. What I'd
like to know is "so what?"
Why is this important?
(You kind of mentioned it
earlier in your intro, but it
might help to integrate it
into your thesis
statement.)

I will look into

rhetorical features like:
audience, tone,
purpose, style and
conventions of the
paper to see how they
all build a description
together very
differently to appeal to
a certain audience each.
I will focus on the
comical movie
descriptions for; The
Hangover Part II,
White Chicks, and
Scary Movie to show
readers the similarities
and difference of each
genre depending on the
examples.

I added that
my main
focus was on
how it appeal
to a certain
audience
each and how
it did this

FIRST PARAGRAPH
AFTER MY

This comment is in
reference to the whole
paragraph:

TURNED INTO
LIKE 4

I was able to
break my

Whats the
connection between
these two sentences?
How do these ideas
connect?

INTRODUCTION

When I see thiseven

before I start readingI
think, Ahhhhhhh! Attack
of the page-long
paragraph!

PARAGRAPHS
AFTER

paragraphs
up and hit
various points
with each

When reading each

one of these
descriptions the tone
was very smooth,
short, and right to the
point. They did not try
to sugar coat the whole
film or make it seem
like an amazing story.

How about some

textual
evidence/support?
Help me SEE what
you're seeing here.

the description ends

with, What happens in
Vegas may stay in
Vegas, but what
happens in Bangkok
can't even be
imagined(Warner

I went ahead
and applied
some textual
evidence into
my comment
so I had
something to
back me up,

The Hangover Part II

had a more masculine
tone to the description
of the movie, by using
words like his bride
or farce/ buddy film
or mayhem of Dougs
bachelor party to
describe what the

There's that textual

evidence I was hoping
for. I think it might
help your paper if you
incorporated this
earlier on when you
mentioned the
masculine-intended
audience -- that way,
you're not repeating
yourself too much and
you're backing up your
claims with evidence
right away

The Hangover Part II

had a more masculine
tone to the description
of the movie, by using
words like his bride
or farce/ buddy film
or mayhem of Dougs
bachelor party to
describe what the
movie was going to be
about. Certain words
and phrases like buddy
film were presented on
the back cover in bold
black made it seem like
it was a movie you just
watched with your
friends for a guys night
out or something, not a
movie you would sit
and watch with your
girlfriend or family

I moved this
part of the
paragraph
down a bit so
that I had
evidence to
back it up
when I
mentioned it.

While that is what I

noticed with that film,
White Chicks and
Scary Movie had a
more funny, reality,

Hmmm... this is also

great and necessary,
but I'm wondering if
you're packing in a bit
too much info into this
1 paragraph.

MADE THIS ITS

OWN PARAGRAPH
AND SPOKE MORE
UPON IT

I wanted
every point
that I spoke
upon to have
its own
purpose

Bros).

tone to it because that

is how the movies will
be. When looking into
the Netflix description
of White Chicks I saw
that they used words
like empty-headed
socialites and goofy

because they
were all
important to
my essay so I
expanded on
each

Separating your
paragraphs -- main
point(s) by main
point(s) -- has a way of
reminding your reader
of how *each specific
point* is related
directly back to your
thesis statement. If
there are too many
points -- like I think
there might be here -it's tough to see the
main focus of the
paragraph (and how it
all ties back to your
argument).

A few things I noticed

that were

Cassy, I'd steer clear

of "things" -- it's so
vague and imprecise.
Be specific. Tell me
exactly what you
mean.

A few conventions that

I noticed that were
always

Reworded to
be more
specific

Genre is important
because it determines
what the following
writing is about, it is
what lets you know
when to right in an
informal manner or
formal manner, and as
Bitzer stated, genres
are now viewed as
even more than
repeating

I feel like this is a bit

disconnected from the
rest of your paper, Cassy.
I was reading about your
analysis of the "movie
description" genre, and
now I'm reading about
you thinking about a
thesis statement as a
genre-like writing concept.

DELETED THIS
PART OF THE
PARAGRAPH

Did not need

this so I took
it out, it was
just taking up
space.

Can you tie this all

together more tightly?
You might be able to, but
if not, you might be
forcing it.
Remember: everything in
a thesis-driven, researchbased argument (ie, this
paper) needs to tie
directly back to your main

argument in some way.

I'm not quite seeing how
this does.
Didn't you address this
The short, quick
in the previous
description is all I
paragraph?
needed to provide
conventions about
what the genre may be.
Some of the surfacelevel features

Warner Bros cassette

cases, Netflix and a
website named IMBD

Don't forget your

Oxford Comma, Cassy.
It's a punctuation tool
to help separate this
list into 3 items:

Warner Bros cassette

cases, Netflix, and a
website

(Otherwise, a reader
could it interpret it like
Warner Bros cassette
tapes = Netflix + a
website.)

REARRANGE
CERTAIN PIECES
OF MY
PARAGRAPHS
AROUND

I was
repeating
myself a bit
too much so I
rearrange a
couple of
paragraphs
around to
make sure my
entire paper
flowed.

Warner Bros cassette

cases, Netflix, and a
website named IMBD

Made sure
that it was a
list of 3, not
2.