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Allie Coleman
Professor Lance
WRTG 8AM
14 April 2013
Guys Arent Always as Tough as They Seem
You know the girls that dream about the big fancy wedding, with the big extravagant over
the top white dress, the obnoxious flowers that fill the altar, and the aisles, and everywhere else
you could possibly put a flower,the color theme, the way their groom is looking at them with a
tear in their eye while they walk toward them; all the stupid pointless things that they build up
too much in their heads for one single day of their lives. Im not that girl, dont worry. Honestly,
its ridiculous when you think about it like that, although every girl, well most girls dream about
this one day their whole lives. Personally Ive always thought that the whole idea of finding a
perfect person for you, and having a perfect little wedding, and a perfect little family was
sickening. Call me heartless but never did I think it was for me. You know what I said earlier
about the bride dreaming and picturing the groom looking at them with a tear in their eye as they
walk down the aisle, I always thought that tear was that they realized they officially lose their
freedom as soon as the bride gets to the front of that altar. They lose their poker and beer nights
with their buddies, they lose their drunken nights out without responsibilities, they lose their
ability to sit around in their underwear playing video games and eating cold pizza. That is what
that last single tear is for; at least thats what I thought. Through experience and research I have
found that the stereotype of girls having a higher desire for marriage and wanting it sooner than
men is not true in all cases; through examination of the stereotype, the misconception of mens

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view on marriage, and my personal experience with this subject I will be able to convince you
that men arent as tough as they seem in the subject of marriage.
The stereotype that women have a higher desire for marriage and wanting it sooner than
men can be easily mistaken for being true because of the way women used to rely on men and
the way they act on the subject of marriage. In an article by Michele Hoffnung in Sex Roles
entitled Wanting It All: Career, Marriage, And Motherhood During College-Education
Hoffnung experimented what seniors in college want when they graduate, she states As seniors,
this sample of women wanted it all: career, marriage, and motherhood. 96% percent planned to
have a career, and 86% planned to marry(Hoffnung 719). Women have this idea in our heads
that as soon as you graduate college, its automatically time to get your life started, to get
married, buy a house, start your career, and have children. This hypothesis that Hoffnung tested
allowed you to see that marriage is in fact not the most important thing to women now that there
is more equality in the workplace. The stereotype that women desire so badly to get married is
because of the way women used to rely on men back when they were unable to provide for
themselves. It is obviously known that women had certain roles back in the day none of which
included work, and people still stereotype based on the way we were treated and viewed then.
The still existent view of women and marriage is not the only factor giving us this stereotype.
Women also make their desire for marriage much more known through planning their wedding
on Pinterest, fantasizing about the dress they are going to wear, and dreaming about the fat rock
theyll be showing off on their finger. Women have no problem letting anyone and everyone
know that they desire to get married, because most women dont mind the feeling of dependence
on another person while men have a harder time of showing that vulnerability. This is what gives
the impression that marriage is not as big of a deal to men when that is definitely not the case.

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The misconception of mens view on marriage is a huge reason as to why women have
this stereotype of wanting marriage and wanting it sooner than men. There is a study by Mindy
Erchull in Psychology Of Women Quarterly 34.2 testing the perceptions of Social Norms About
Desires For Marriage. Erchulls hypothesis was that people still believe the misperception of
women wanting marriage more than men. Erchull states, These finding regarding desire for
marriage and children show that folk wisdom of women desiring marriage more than do men is
still quite prevalent in American society. Nevertheless, our data suggest that men and women are
much more similar in actual desires for marriage and children than many perceive, supporting a
pattern of misperceived social norms (Erchull 258). This study allows you to see that even
though men may not seem like they want marriage as much as women due to the stereotype of
our society, statistically that is wrong. The numbers allow you to see that the comparison
between the desire of marriage between men and women is in fact not as separated as youd
think. Like I was explaining before men feel as though dependence or desire to have a woman in
their life is a sign of vulnerability. According to a blog by Graham Phoenix, entitled
Vulnerability And Shame For Men This Is Not About Weakness Graham gives his opinion on
vulnerability from a mans point of view. He states that Men see vulnerability as weakness.
They hide vulnerability and shame under a mask of emotional control, work, status and violence
(Phoenix). One of the ways men hide their vulnerability that stood out to me was emotional
control. This explains so much about how it is so hard to get men to open up to you about
anything dealing with emotions or feelings, especially on the topic of marriage. Although, just
because men have a harder time of showing their desire for marriage does not mean that they
dont want it just as bad as women do. Men need women and they know it!

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I have been dating the same guy for three years and through my journey with him and
seeing his view on the future I can say from personal experience that men do have the same
desire to get married and in some cases even more than women. Never in my life had I pictured
myself as being the marrying type; I never wanted to report to someone what I was doing, or not
be able to have as much independence as I wanted, or have to take into consideration someone
elses wants. Once again it probably all sounds pretty heartless, but I never felt the desire for the
whole concept of marriage, so I thought this is the way men thought about it too from all the
stereotypes of women wanting marriage more than men. Although my opinions and assumptions
all changed when I met Ryan, my boyfriend of three years, because marriage is one of his biggest
goals in life. He desires nothing more than to spend the rest of his life with me, starting careers
together, having kids together, and growing old together. From what I said about my view on
marriage you can only imagine how badly all of this talk about the future freaked me out
especially that a guy was wanting all this. A guy!!! There is an article in Time by Belinda
Luscombe entitled Who Needs Marriage? A Changing Institution discussing the change in the
concept of marriage over time. Luscombe states, Neither men nor women need to be married to
have sex or companionship or professional success or respect or even children yet marriage
remains revered and desired (Luscombe 1). But why? I asked Ryan why he still feels the desire
to get married even when he could have all those things without it and his answer surprised me.
Ryan said he wants marriage for the security, the feeling of being wanted by someone, for the
ability to have someone to always depend on, and someone always there to talk to and love you.
I want someone to grow old with and have someone to always come home to. Being with
someone and being married to someone are two totally different things! Ryan may be a unique
case on the subject of men wanting marriage, but he said even a lot of his friends talk about

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wanting to get married and start a life with someone. This is just an example of the inside
thoughts of a guy who truly cares about someone, and wants marriage. They arent always the
tough, non emotionless guys they play out to be.
Ive explored the ways that women have the stereotype of wanting marriage more than
men, Ive dissected the misconception of mens true thoughts on the subject of marriage, and
Ive also interviewed my boyfriend on his thoughts and feelings about his desire for marriage.
All of these things have brought me to the conclusion that, in fact, womens stereotype of
wanting marriage more than men is not true. An idea that was brought to my attention from
hearing Ryans response on his desire for marriage was one written by Heather and Jay Turner in
The Journal of Health and Social Behavior stating, Specifically, marriage has a stronger
positive relationship to emotional reliance for men than it does for women. This finding appears
consistent with the notion that men are more dependent on their wives for emotional support than
are wives on their husbands (Heather and Jay Turner 370). There are so many facts that go
against the stereotype of women desiring marriage more, we just never really pay attention to
them because of the way womens thoughts on marriage have always been perceived. Men need
women just as much as women need men. And trust me if youve ever seen a man try to cook an
amazing meal, or do their daughters hair, or organize their families schedule, youd believe me
right off that bat, that men need women. Period.

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Works Cited
Erchull, Mindy J., et al. "Well . . . She Wants It More: Perceptions Of Social Norms
About Desires For Marriage And Children And Anticipated Chore Participation." Psychology Of
Women Quarterly 34.2 (2010): 253-260. Academic Search Premier. Web. 13 Apr. 2014.
Hoffnung, Michele. "Wanting It All: Career, Marriage, And Motherhood During CollegeEducation Women's 20S." Sex Roles 50.9/10 (2004): 711-723. Academic Search Premier. Web.
12 Apr. 2014.
Luscombe, Belinda. "Who Needs Marriage? A Changing Institution." Time. Time Inc., 18
Nov. 2010. Web. 13 Apr. 2014.
Phoenix, Graham. "Vulnerability And Shame For Men This Is Not About Weakness."
Graham Reid Phoenix. N.p., n.d. Web. 13 Apr. 2014.
Turner, Heather A., and R. Jay Turner. "Gender, Social Status, And Emotional Reliance."
Journal Of Health & Social Behavior 40.4 (1999): 360. Academic Search Premier. Web. 13 Apr.
2014.