Jon Blackman

Mormon Insights Writing Contest

Doubting My Doubts
Im just not sure if I believe in the Church anymore, I said, as I kept my eyes fixed on
the distant waters of Utah Lake.
I saw Niel nodding. We were sitting at the top of the Y overlooking Provo. Over the past
week I had slowly worked up the courage to talk with my close friend about my doubts. We were
both stereotypical Mormon boys: born and raised in the Church, living in Provo, and attending or
applying to BYU. But now I was drifting away from that foundation of our lives. I looked at the
chapel that we used to attend which sat right at the base of Y Mountain. I remembered us
blessing the sacrament together or reading scriptures in our priests quorum: Was all that in vain?
Were we all fooled?
Niel thought for a moment before asking, Why do you think that it might not be true?
It just seems like theres so much that I have issues with. Ive tried praying about it, but
I havent really received any answers. I dont agree with the Church at all on gay marriage, and
the whole polygamy and priesthood ban issues really bother me too.
We talked for a while on the mountain, discussing some of my questions, but we never
landed on any solid answers.
Eventually, he said, Im not really sure if I can answer any of your questions, but I know
youll figure it out. I think you should give it one last try. Keep reading the scriptures and
praying. Really think hard about your testimony. Id say that you should at least give it until after
next general conference.
Over the summer, I kept praying and studying, trying to find any answers to my doubts
and concerns. As general conference approached, I was still doubting. I prayed before
Conference, hoping for an answer, and then I heard President Dieter F. Uchtdorfs talk Come,
Join with Us. He spoke about the reasons for belonging to the Church: its connection with Jesus
Christ, its ability to help us do good in the world, and the blessings that we can find in our
membership.
The answer I needed came when President Uchtdorf said, Please, first doubt your doubts
before you doubt your faith. We must never allow doubt to hold us prisoner and keep us from the
divine love, peace, and gifts that come through faith in the Lord Jesus Christ.
I began thinking about the issues that troubled me. Did they really matter? Did polygamy
from over one hundred years ago or questions about the translation process of the Book of
Mormon change the fact that the Church had brought peace, comfort, and a sense of community
throughout my life? My doubts were irrelevant compared to the wondrous blessings and joy that
the gospel provides. I still struggle with my testimony, but I know that the goodness of The
Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is enough to calm my doubts.
Jon Blackman, Provo, UT