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Conflict!Analysis!Paper!

Cynthia!Slover!!
The!University!of!South!Alabama!
April!29,!15!
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Statement&of&Purpose&
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Introduction&&
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Other&Issues&&
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Positive&Conflict&Management&
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Intervention&Plan& &
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Conclusion& &
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Part&1&Paper&&&
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Bibliography&&
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Statement&of&Purpose:&&This!paper!will!analyze!a!person!conflict!I!have!encountered,!and!
discuss!the!concept!of!Gary!Chapmans!love!languages!and!how!they!affect!my!specific!
conflict.!!!
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Introduction:&Conflicts,!especially!in!an!interpersonal!relationship!are!inevitable.!!It!isnt!
the!lack!of!conflicts!that!makes!a!relationship,!however!it!is!how!those!within!a!relationship!
manage!a!conflict!that!matters!most.!While!taking!this!class!I!have!learned!things!that!have!
helped!me!with!my!interpersonal!conflicts.!Keeping!a!conflict!journal!throughout!this!
course,!I!have!seen!how!I!act!in!them,!how!others!act!in!them,!the!underlying!issue,!and!
what!I!can!improve!on.!!I!have!noticed!an!extraordinary!difference!in!how!I!manage!
conflicts!after!learning!more!through!this!class!and!Dr.!Wilson.!By!further!analyzing!one!
specific!conflict!I!have!encountered!I!have!been!able!to,!in!depth!learn!about!my!own!
conflict!management.!!
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Background:&One!specific!conflict!from!my!journal!took!place!between!my!boyfriend!and!I!
on!valentines!weekend.!The!conflict!had!nothing!to!do!with!it!being!that!weekend!
specifically,!that!is!just!the!weekend!it!happened.!Friday!night!was!a!date!that!had!been!
planned!for!some!time.!There!was!supposed!to!be!a!dinner!date!followed!by!a!concert.!The!
things!that!lead!to!this!conflict!were!first,!the!fact!that!plans!got!changed!because!he!
wanted!them!to,!not!after!we!both!decided.!Then,!others!were!invited!to!our!date,!making!it!
a!group!outing!instead.!During!the!concert!he!was!all!over!Soul!Kitchen,!not!with!me!very!
much!and!left!me!to!take!care!of!his!friends!who!had!been!drinking!too!much.!Once!we!left!
he!then!proceeded!to!take!me!to!a!near!by!bar!so!we!could!meet!up!with!more!of!his!
friends.!!This!is!when!the!argument!took!place.!I!said!that!this!was!supposed!to!be!a!date!
and!he!kind!of!ruined!it!by!doing!all!of!these!things,!and!he!got!angry!because!he!said!it!
wasnt!his!fault.!He!said!that!the!night!went!the!way!it!did!because!he!had!friends!in!town!
visiting!from!up!north.!I!said!that!that!was!just!an!excuse!and!he!got!even!angrier.!After!that!
I!didnt!want!him!mad!and!I!felt!like!this!was!going!to!escalate!to!more!so!I!dropped!it!and!
said!never!mind!we!dont!need!to!talk!about!it.!!The!rest!of!the!night!we!were!both!a!little!
bothered!by!the!events!and!didnt!get!to!a!good!place!before!we!went!to!sleep.!!
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The!next!day,!a!different!version!of!the!same!thing!occurred,!not!much!quality!time,!
or!time!together!at!all.!Throughout!the!day,!every!time!he!would!say!that!he!was!going!to!go!
do!something!with!his!friends,!I!would!just!say!Okay,!have!fun!!!I!was!holding!back!how!I!
felt,!which!was!unloved.!Early!the!next!day!I!thought!things!were!going!to!be!better!but!
then!much!of!the!same!thing!happened!until!I!finally!realized!that!this!conflict!would!not!be!

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solved!until!I!spoke!up,!so!I!did.!That!afternoon!I!told!him!I!needed!to!talk!to!him!about!
something!so!we!met!up!to!talk.!Before!that!I!really!thought!about!what!had!happened,!how!
I!felt,!and!what!I!was!going!to!say.!When!we!talked!I!expressed!that!I!did!not!know!what!to!
do!to!get!his!attention!or!for!him!to!want!to!spend!time!with!me.!I!said!that!I!felt!like!he!did!
not!care!about!me!or!how!I!felt.!!He!then!explained!to!me!that!he!had!no!idea!that!this!was!
how!I!felt!and!that!of!course!he!cared!and!wanted!to!spend!time!with!me.!He!had!no!Idea!
that!the!things!he!was!doing!were!even!an!issue.!He!then!apologized!and!said!that!he!never!
wants!me!to!feel!that!way!and!that!I!need!to!tell!him!when!I!do!so!that!he!can!fix!it.!!He!then!
set!up!a!makeXup!date!involving!a!steak!dinner!and!plenty!of!quality!time.!We!finally!
reached!a!resolution,!which!has!made!it!so!this!conflict!is!over!and!will!not!come!up!again!
as!such!an!issue.!!
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The!underlying!issue!within!this!conflict!is!that!he!was!not!speaking!my!love!
language.!!Love!languages!are!what!Gary!Chapman!refers!to!as!the!5!ways!to!fill!someones!
Love!Tank.!By!this!he!means!how!you!and!others!you!are!in!a!relationship!with!make!one!
another!feel!loved.!Not!all!apply!to!every!person,!each!person!speaks!different!love!
languages!and!every!person!prefers!a!certain!one!to!be!spoken!to!them.!There!is!five!love!
languages:!words!of!affirmation,!gifts,!acts!of!service,!physical!touch!and!quality!time.!The!
love!language!that!fills!my!love!tank!is!quality!time!and!by!not!receiving!that!from!those!
close!to!me!it!leads!me!to!feel!unloved.!Love!is!something!you!do!not!something!you!feel.!In!
the!handout!we!received!in!class,!Lin$&$Jerry$Wilsons$Notes$on$Gary$Chapmans$The$5$Love$
Languages$It!is!noted!that!Love!is!something!you!do!for!somebody!else;!not!something!
you!do!for!yourself.!This!is!followed!by!it!saying!that!knowing!a!persons!love!language!can!
enhance!and!better!any!relationship!if!they!choose!to!speak!it.!This!shows!that!in!the!
previous!conflict!that!my!love!language!was!just!not!known!and!utilized!to!make!our!
relationship!better.!!According!to!Lisa!Klewicki,!clinical!psychologist!and!author!of!an!
article!titled!What$is$Your$Love$Language?,$stated!that$When!people!feel!loved,!they!
become!more!secure!and!confident.!Had!my!boyfriend!known!and!spoken!my!love!
language!to!me!I!would!not!have!felt!so!insecure!about!or!relationship!and!that!weekend!
would!have!not!even!been!a!conflict.!!
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Other&Issues:&The!main!issue!that!caused!this!conflict!is!that!my!boyfriend!did!not!
understand!my!love!language!and!how!I!needed!to!be!shown!love!and!affection.!However,!
from!start!to!finish!there!were!many!other!conflict!management!problems.!!
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Negative!View!of!Conflict:!I!figured!that!if!I!said!anything!that!it!would!damage!the!
relationship.!
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Avoiding/AccommodatingX!At!first!I!avoided!initiating!any!conflict!and!then!when!I!
did!initiate!it!I!avoiding!further!conflict.!Then!throughout!the!weekend!as!the!
conflict!progressed!I!chose!to!give!in!and!accommodate.!
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Communication!Apprehension:!This!is!the!anxiety!one!feels!in!response!to!
interpersonal!situations.!I!had!extremely!bad!anxiety!in!response!to!this!conflict.!
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Intangible!Issues:!These!are!centered!on!gut!feelings!like:!love,!respect,!self!esteem,!
attention,!and!caring.!This!was!definitely!an!intangible!issue!because!it!was!based!on!
love,!attention!and!caring.!!
Behavioral!Issues:!Underneath!intangible!issues,!this!was!specifically!a!behavioral!
issue!which!is!based!on!specific!and!individual!actions!such!as!time!spent!with!me.!

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Positive&Conflict&Management:&Although!I!could!have!!improved!on!the!above!issues,!
there!was!some!management!procedures!that!I!did!well!with!and!should!be!noted.!These!
things!didnt!happen!during!the!initial!conflict,!however!at!the!end!of!the!weekend!when!
we!reached!a!resolution!I!feel!that!I!did!some!things!right.!
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I!statements:!I!made!statement!like!I!feel!to!take!responsibility!for!my!feelings!
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and!not!attack!him!with!you!statements.!
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6!Step!Confrontation!Process:!I!efficiently!used!this!process!to!reach!a!resolution!for!
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this!conflict.!!
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This!process!is:!
Peparation!
Arrange!for!a!time!and!place!
Talk!to!the!other!person!about!your!problem!
Consider!their!point!of!view!
Resolve!by!finding!a!mutually!satisfying!agreement!
Follow!up.!
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Intervention&Plan:&This!conflict!was!not!solved!perfectly!and!my!conflict!management!can!
be!improved!greatly!for!future!conflicts.!When!I!finally!spoke!up!and!tried!to!manage!the!
conflict,!I!did!well,!but!my!main!problem!is!that!I!waited!to!take!care!of!it!when!I!should!
have!done!it!from!the!getXgo.!If!I!could!do!this!conflict!differently!I!would.!This!is!how:!
I!would!not!avoid!and!accommodate.!This!conflict!could!have!been!resolved!the!first!
time!this!issue!was!brought!up!if!I!would!have!not!ran!away!from!it.!
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If!I!would!have!used!assertive!communication!the!first!time!we!discussed!this!issue!I!
would!have!been!speaking!up!for!my!interests!and!concerns!in!a!way!that!did!not!
interfere!with!his.!
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I!should!have!not!accepted!his!justifications!and!excuses,!which!I!did!throughout!
this!ongoing!conflict!over!a!whole!weekend.!!
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The!first!time!I!confronted!him!about!this!conflict,!I!used!you!statements!and!
attacked!his!actions!instead!of!taking!responsibility!for!my!feelings!which!I!later!self!
adjusted.!
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Conclusion:&Referring!to!the!Part!1!of!this!assignment!I!thought!that!I!was!great!at!
managing!conflict,!but!that!was!inaccurate.!I!wasnt!terrible!with!managing!conflict!before!
this!class,!but!I!had!plenty!of!room!for!improvement.!As!this!class!has!progressed!and!I!
have!learned!this!conflict!management!material!I!have!dealt!with!conflict!better!each!day.!

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Taking!time!to!look!at!these!conflicts!and!my!progress!throughout!the!journals!I!have!kept,!
I!have!noticed!that!this!CA411!Relational!Communication!class!has!made!a!difference!for!
me!(and!will!for!others)!in!my!ability!to!manage!conflict!episodes.!!
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Part!!1!
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Conflicts!are!inevitable!in!all!relationships,!and!I!experience!them!just!as!often!as!
anyone!else.!I!would!like!to!think!that!I!act!competently!in!conflict!situations,!however!
there!is!room!for!improvement.!The!conflicts!I!typically!encounter!are!over!intangible!
issues!because!I!am!very!emotionally!invested!in!the!relationships!I!am!involved!in.!!
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During!conflicts!I!am!very!likely!to!overreact,!which!is!usually!the!triggering!event.!I!
dont!intentionally!do!it!and!I!eventually!realize!I!did!and!calm!down.!After!my!initial!
reaction!I!am!typically!level!headed!and!come!to!a!solution,!usually!a!compromise.!I!can!
have!conflicts!with!my!close!friends!and!family!members!with!out!it!negatively!affecting!the!
relationships!I!have!with!them.!The!conflict!will!not!last!long!and!usually!is!resolved!at!the!
time!of!the!initial!conflict.!Occasionally!if!I!feel!strong!enough!about!my!side!I!will!let!a!
conflict!carry!on!longer!than!it!should.!Even!on!the!occasions!that!I!avoid!and!dont!resolve!
it!right!away!it!doesnt!take!long!for!me!to!initiate!the!resolution!phase!of!the!cycle.!Because!
I!try!to!resolve!the!issue!as!it!is!happening!old!problems!dont!tend!to!reappear,!but!
occasionally!depending!on!the!opposing!person,!they!will!in!which!case!I!make!even!more!
of!an!effort!to!fix!it!so!that!it!wont!reoccur!on!any!other!occasions.!!
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Although!I!would!like!to!think!that!I!act!perfectly!in!conflict!situations!I!have!grown!
to!realize!that!I!do!not.!After!taking!CA!211!I!noticed!that!there!is!so!much!room!for!
improvement!in!my!interpersonal!relationships,!specifically!the!conflicts!that!come!along!
with!them.!By!the!end!of!this!semester!of!conflict!management!I!hope!to!not!only!gain!
knowledge!about!conflict,!but!also!use!that!knowledge!to!better!all!of!my!interpersonal!
relationships!and!the!conflicts!that!I!may!come!across!throughout!them.!In!relationships!
that!arent!as!strong!as!others!I!tend!to!avoid!conflict!or!quickly!submit!so!that!I!dont!look!
vicious!in!the!eyes!of!the!other!party.!I!would!like!to!treat!all!conflicts!the!same!and!I!should!
not!avoid!some!just!because!of!the!relationship!I!have!with!the!other!person.!Another!
aspect!I!would!like!to!improve!on!is!trying!to!control!how!competitively!I!interact!with!
those!that!are!closer!to!me.!Opposite!of!the!last!aspect!I!want!to!change,!individuals!that!I!
am!extremely!close!to!I!dont!hold!back,!even!when!I!should.!For!example!with!my!sisters!I!
will!act!more!aggressively!than!I!should.!I!want!to!be!able!to!have!a!conflict!without!it!
getting!out!of!hand.!My!goal!is!to!make!every!issue!I!have!civil!and!productive.!Along!with!
only!participating!in!civil!conflicts!I!hope!to!only!deal!with!conflicts!when!theyre!actually!
there.!According!to!the!book!Uncertainty!in!the!conflict!process!occur!when!we!have!
insufficient!information!to!understand!anothers!motives,!goals,!or!behaviors!or!when!we!
do!not!know!the!reasons!for!anothers!actions(Cahn!63).!Very!often!I!will!jump!to!
conclusions!about!someone!having!an!issue!with!me!and!start!an!unnecessary!argument!
when!there!was!no!initial!conflict.!I!would!like!to!stop!creating!conflicts!due!to!uncertainty.!!
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The!only!way!I!will!improve!on!these!aspects!of!conflict!is!by!working!my!way!
through!them.!Keeping!a!journal!of!my!conflicts!and!then!reviewing!them!after!they!happen!
will!help!me!improve!them!best!I!can.!I!hope!that!as!I!learn!the!material!in!this!class!that!
will!adjust!my!actions!and!notice!it!on!a!dayXtoXday!basis!while!participating!in!conflicts.!If!
in!my!journals!I!dont!notice!change!in!my!actions!or!the!process!of!the!conflict!cycle!than!I!
will!know!that!I!am!not!putting!in!the!effort!needed.!The!journal!will!hopefully!show!me!the!
areas!that!could!use!improvement!and!I!can!treat!them!like!the!case!studies!in!the!book!and!
learn!as!I!go!
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Bibliography&

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Klewicki!L.!(2014).!What!is!Your!Love!Language?!Catholic!Digest!21!
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Wilson!J.!(2015).!Lin!&!Jerry!Wilsons!notes!on!Gary!Chapmans!the!5!love!languages![Class!
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handout].!Department!of!Communication,!University!of!South!Alabama,!Mobile,!Al!
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