Memo 1

Memorandum
To:
From:
Date:
Subject:

Karen Thompson
Jordan Brady
January 19, 2016
Chemistry Paper Memo

In this memo I will be analyzing my previously written Honors Chemistry Term paper.
I will point out flawed portions of my writing and show how they can be more
concise or precise. Good examples of writing present in the paper will also be
pointed out to show how they are direct.

Conciseness:

Within my term paper there were multiple redundant words or phrases used.
Redundancy is the use of certain words or phrases in excess or in an unnecessary
fashion. One example in my writing was the word that which was used 84 times.
This shows a lack of conciseness in most cases because that could be replaced or
even taken out completely. Following are some examples of the use of the word that
that were unnecessary:
This means that the symptoms of ALL often depend on the number of leukemia cells

and the locations where the cells are clumping.

In this passage the word that could easily be removed without changing the structure of the
sentence.
The next passage shows another case of that being used with other redundant words which could
be changed to make the sentence clearer:
To firmly establish the diagnosis of ALL, the doctor has to perform tests that determine
the morphologic, immunologic, and genetic form of the leukemic cells.
Here the phrase has to perform tests that should be changed to performs tests to. This
eliminates the words has and that from the phrase making it more concise.
Throughout the rest of my paper there were many concise sentences. They had no redundancies
and gave a brief definition or opinion about the topic:
Another symptom of individuals with ALL is a low red blood cell count.
The above passage is concise. It only includes the needed information about one of the
symptoms of ALL. Another case of not being concise is shown in the following passage:
The same can be said for the original administration of chemotherapy, where one
singular drug was used until it was no longer effective. That single drug was then
terminated in treatment and another was begun. Only one drug was administered at any
given time.
This passage contains many cases using the word was. It states that the drug was used,
terminated, or administered. One way to correct this would be to change the structure and words

Memo 2

used in the passage such as: Physicians used a single drug at a time for chemotherapy. Once that
drug lost its effectiveness it was terminated from treatment and replaced by another. This
eliminates 2 occurrences of the word was and makes the passage sound more concise.
Preciseness:
Using precise language in writing uses precise nouns and verbs to create strong mental pictures
for the reader. This also prevents the authors writing from becoming too wordy. In this case I
was questioning whether or not the passage is too precise or not precise enough:
Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia (ALL), also known as Acute Lymphocytic Leukemia, is
a form of cancer that affects the white blood cells, which are the cells that protect an
individuals body from infection ("Cancer Classification.").
On one hand, the passage states fully what kind of cancer ALL as well as a description of what
cells it affects. On the other hand, I had trouble considering whether or not the highlighted
portion of what white blood cells are was necessary or not. This stemmed from white blood cells
being a very recognizable subject that most people have a reasonable understanding of.
This passage shows another case in which the writing was precise:
In the United States, one child out of every twenty-nine thousand has Acute
Lymphocytic Leukemia.
This is a precise sentence because it gives insight to the audience in a way that lets
them visualize how common ALL is. The sentence also isnt wordy making it sound
more precise as well.
The next passage shows an example of not being precise in the explanation of a
genetic test. It is not precise because it is too wordy. One way to alleviate this would
be to separate the passage into multiple sentences. One for explaining the two tests
that are used, and one for each of the tests explain what they do.
Next, there are Cytogenetic studies to specify any chromosome alterations within the

leukemic cells. In addition to the cytogenetic studies, there are often molecular studies to
identify any translocations within the chromosomes on the leukemic blasts and any
lesions that appear similar in the standard karyotype test (Kanwar).
Directness:
Being direct in writing is getting to the purpose of the writing as quickly as possible. This avoids
making the reader have to search for what the subject of the writing is and provides ease of
reading.
The following passage is an example of not being direct taking too many words to explain
something that could be written in a shorter fashion:
Cancer is a genetic disease and is therefore caused by genes in the nucleus of the cell
changing or mutating. Genes are located in a specific area of the DNA, which is
contained within a chromosome. Genes are translated into proteins that dictate the traits
of the organism and allow the body to work. When these genes start expressing wrong
traits, it can cause multiple complications, cancer being one of them.

Memo 3

The passage takes a whole paragraph to state the causes of cancer and then wraps back around to
say the causes create cancer. Instead it could be written Cancer is a genetic disease. This means
the genes, which are located in the chromosomes of the DNA, are translated into the proteins
which regulate the body are not functioning properly. The revised version states directly that
cancer is a genetic disease and has one following statement to explain what it is instead of
beating around the bush.