Valentine 1

Haley L. Valentine
Mary Martin
English 214
1 May 2016
Pain

Pain is a mysterious thing. We perceive it as an atrocious feeling, and I agree it has a dark side to
it, but I also agree that it's necessary for life. Endless questions arise in my head about pain, like can we
measure and compare the amount of pain someone feels? Does pain tolerance vary on genetics, or through
our environment? If you could choose to keep these emotions would you? Would you try to control it? Do
people prefer a certain type of pain, for example physical VS mental. There are many levels on which each
person experiences and expresses pain differently. Why is this feeling so common in the moral of stories?
And what makes pain the most manipulative tool?
The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini demonstrated many altitudes of pain. The first is domestic
abuse. Women in other countries are seen as property because in their religion, they're not equal to men.
Theyre not allowed to speak unless spoken to, make eye contact, show skin, think for themselves, be
important and so on. The pain they feel from day to day is one of the worst pains because they don't know
themselves. They don't know what possibilities they would have and they're content with it because that's
what they were taught. The emotional pain is what sticks with us. Not to say the physical pain isn't
devastating. When Amir is back in Kabul, Afghanistan he is watching a women get stoned to death because
of adultery. They even had the man who was the accomplice in the crime next to her but the crowd wasn't
shunning him. Hed walk away physically unharmed. He might hurt emotionally, if he truly loved her, and
feel remorse, causing him to suffer every time he thought of her. But that strong women took mental and
physical pain to her grave.
Another traumatic event that leads to physical and emotional pain in the book is the rape seen.
Hassans love for Amir runs so deep that he'd do anything for him. And he payed a high price because of it.

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When Amir watched his best friend go through all that pain for him he couldn't handle it. His own pain
started taking over, he was being manipulated. Amir felt as much pain as he spread, because he didn't try to
stop the event from taking place and his first instinct was to blame Hassan for the hurt he was feeling.
Amir follows up this cowardly defense by treating Hassan how your suppose to treat your Hazaras and
Hassan takes it. Amir even tried to talk his father into getting new servants. While Hassan's still loyal to
the very end when he is shot for protecting Amir's childhood house that they grew up in together when
Amirs in America. I would even go as far as to say Hassan's pain was less than Amirs. Hassan didn't let
this change the kind of person he was. Amir on the other hand, was buried alive by his conscious for the
rest of his life. He couldn't live with himself. And even though we don't get to see Hassan again after he
leaves as a child, I bet he didn't let it take its hold on him.
It amazed me how one man could feel so much pain in such a short span of time. When Amir's
father, Baba, dies he is left without his heroic role-model. Then he goes to find Babas prized orphanage
gone to pieces back in Afghanistan. Learning that every month a child gets sold to the taliban and nobody
can do anything about it. And lastly he never did feel like he had all of his father's love. Then we found out
why, Hassan was actually his brother. That would have been so painful to hear, especially because it didn't
even come from Baba. Amir probably had so many unanswered questions balled up inside, anchoring him
down. But this bring us back to comparing Hassan and Amir's qualities. If you looked at how they dealt
with their pain genetics and environment wouldn't have anything to do with it because they both come
from the same man and house and are two completely different people in how they reacted and behaved. In
the end, the events that occurred in their lives happened for a reason. And it's those event that mold an
individual. Amir finally became who he's always wanted to be when he adopted Hassan's son.
The Memory Keeper's Daughter by Kim Edwards deals with a lot of emotional and mental pain
rather than physical. The moment David, the father, decided to give away their daughter without telling
Norah, his wife, ruined his life. He predicted Phoebe, the daughter with down syndrome, to not live for
very long but he was wrong. And as she grew up with Caroline, the nurse that helped David deliver the
twins, she constantly showed him what he was missing. Being David would've been extremely painful,

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lying to everyone, worrying if she'll pop back up in his life, and knowing if he made a mistake he could
never fix it. That has to turn a part of you mad with anticipation. It took Norah years to get over her
daughter's "death and with pain like that, it's hard to forget sense your mind makes you want to remember.
She kept looking at random girl and thinking of what she could've had. What was worse was when she
learned that Phoebe wasn't actually dead and David made her live her entire life without even knowing of
her existence. Even with that I think David's pain was worse because he couldn't talk to anybody about
what he did, so he became isolated and learned to express his pain through photography. While Norah was
so desperate for her loves attention, she began having affairs with other men to fill the empty void that her
child shouldve filled. This proves that there are many levels on which each person experiences and
expresses pain differently.
The twin that was a boy grew up with the parents. Paul wanted to be a musician knowing his father
saw him going into higher education. They fought over the subject but it was nothing compared to the
moment Paul finds out that Norah is cheating on David. His trust was broken, and it felt like shed given
up on their family, anybody would be crushed after that. Then he had to deal with every kid's worst
nightmare: divorce. Even when your parents tell you it's not your fault you can't help beating yourself up
about it wondering what you did wrong. He suffered from guilt and sadness. At least he had his music to
turn to in a time of pain. But because life works in mysterious ways, this tragic event lead him to his lost
sister and she'd end up filling his empty heart.
Phoebe was pain herself. Being disabled required her to work that much harder, since she wasn't
fully there mentally. She got frustrated with herself if she couldn't preform a task other people could do
and Caroline's heart would ache every time Phoebe asked to do something she wasn't able do alone, like
get married and have kids of her own, because all a parent wants is the best for their child. Another
instance of pain is when David wanted to see Phoebe when she was eighteen, because Caroline wants to
say no in case he changes his mind and wants to fight for her back but it's the struggle because she was in
love with him and going against desire is a complicated thing to do.

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The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold was a story where the girl doesn't helplessly try to change the
past but control the future. Susie is in heaven and shares with us who kidnapped, raped, and killed her.
When it comes to men like George, the killer, they're psychotic and ruthless and there's no stopping them
when they set their mind on a victim. Mass murders and pedafiles usually come from an upbringing of an
abusive childhood. They want to prove that they have the power. Having the killer be the family's neighbor
was perfect because it shows that you can't trust anybody, you have to be cautious because people's
intentions are never lying on the surface.
George is expressing his pain by doing what he does to little girls. And everyone in her family is
tolerating Susie's disappearance differently. Her mom, Abigail, left them because she couldn't handle it and
had an affair to make things more confusing to stop thinking about her dead daughter. Jack, her father,
grew a obsession so deep for the longing of justice, even trying to kill George himself. Buckley, her
brother, can't grasp that she's gone. Lindsey, her sister, gets physically fit because she doesn't feel safe
anymore. And Susie, she expressed her pain by manipulating her family into understanding what had
happened so they could catch George. She's controlling her pain and that's what kept her from finding
peace because she didn't want to leave her family to move on in the universe. At the end she learned that
one doesnt control what they feel, just like one doesn't choose their own characteristics. It just happens
from experiences you've been handed.
My first nonfiction source was a Ted Talk with Andrew Solomon called How the worst moments
in our lives makes us who we are. Solomon's first example was about a rape victim who lost a lot from
the event, her career path and any emotional relationships. He asks her if she thinks about that awful man.
She says she used to think about him with anger and disgust, but now only with pity because he never got
to know that he has a daughter and two grandchildren. Her pain tolerance level is beyond this world, she
turned her traumatic event into something really good in her life without any worries like will the child be
a duplicate of the rapist. Hassan, Susie, and this women all go through the same experience and while
Susie was killed, Hassan and this women were able to use their pain to manipulate themselves into
becoming better people.

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Forge meaning and building identity does not make what was wrong right, it only makes it
precious. Solomon kept repeating stories are the foundation of identity. He interviews prisoners and he
was surprised to find them at ease with what they did. They walked into the courtroom with their heads
held high knowing and accepting their fate. Then they walked out with their heads still head high. Nearly
dying in prison, the prisoner he knows said she was thankful for the time that she got to think about and
reflect on her life. She thought about the shifts in society and what she could do to change something to
make it better.
Solomon is a gay man who had a difficult upbringing because he was never accepted for who he
was. He shares with us how as a young adult he sought out women through psychiatric care to get physical
pleasure to try to change what he was feeling. He was tired of being discriminated because the pain was
too much. "I would've had an easier life being straight but I wouldn't have been me, and I like being me"
he then talks about incidence all over the world of punishment gay people experience. Physical and mental
pain, for example in Saudi Arabia two men got lashed 7,000 times, permanently disabling them and this
was all in public. He says his marriage made him happy but sometimes he forgets that because the pain
overshadows the joy. He said he wants to protect his kids but if he doesn't teach them diversity then he has
failed them. He said everything that he's experienced and heard has made him a wiser man and a better
father and that's all that matters. When his son told him he'd have been his friend when he was little.
Solomon knew all of his earlier hardship times propelled him for this moment and he was finally
unconditionally grateful for life.is a gay man who had a difficult upbringing because he was never
accepted for who he was.
My second nonfiction source was a video on CNN about how they found a powerful pain
medications on Prince at the time of his death. How can this iconic role model have so many secret pains.
He could get materialistically whatever he wanted in life but that wasn't enough for him. We might never
know what other factors had a part in his death but we do know that he didn't fight the pain in him because
he wasn't strong enough. Overdosing is usually from mental sickness and that could've been from his
environment. Maybe thinking that there's nothing else to life than what he already has. But more than

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likely it's because of his genetics. Of course I didn't know him but preforming and his music seemed like
what he used to express himself, obviously it failed him in the end.
My third nonfiction source was an article on USA today saying the nation's top federal health
agency urged doctors to avoid prescribing powerful opiate painkillers for patients with chronic pain, pain
(an unpleasant sense of discomfort) that persists or progresses over a long period of time, saying the risks
from such drugs far outweigh the benefits for most people. You have the possibility of addiction, because
it's so easy to not want to feel anything, or the wrong reaction, and it may end killing you. People become
more unstable than they were originally. This proves that some people want to keep the emotion and more
people rather terminate it. In theory that kills a part of you because how you deal with your pain is part of
your personality. Pain caused them to be manipulated into doing something they'd never thought they'd
ever do.This article backs up my conclusion that we shouldnt control the pain we feel. We need to accept it
and try to move on or reach out for help, like a therapist.

For my real world research I contacted a local therapist for adolescents, individuals, and families.
Her name is Elise Bennett and she works at 1170 West Kansas Ave. Westowne Building #10. Liberty, MO
64068. Her cell phone number is 816-343-4356 and her email is elisebtherapy@gmail.com. Or find her
online at www.elisebennettfamilytherapy.com.
I decided to do a Q and A to get professional answers to my questions, I wanted a person who has
a lot of experience dealing with other people's pain. I chose Mrs. Bennett because my friend recently ran
away from her home of physical and mental abuse from her parents. She see Mrs. Bennett every week and
my friend says she does a really good job at talking the pain away. And now after reading her responses it
puts my focus in a whole new direction.
(Getting to know you questions:)
Q: What's it like being a therapist?
A: Being a therapist is such an incredible journey. I get the privilege of walking with people through the
darkest and most joyful of times. My entire job is based in relationships.

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Q: Does listening to people talk about their pain affect you?
A: Being a part of other people's pain most certainly takes its toll on me, however I spend a significant
amount of time doing my own self-care (seeing my own therapist, meditating, walking the dog, listening to
music) so I can have the emotional space to separate what is mine from what belongs to my clients. That is
the benefit of graduate school and supervision- to learn how to sit with someone in pain but not take their
pain on as your own.
Q: How many cases would you say you get where the person doesn't come willingly (forced by a parents,
ext.) and are they as open as a person who wanted to see you?
A: Because of where most of my referrals come from, I have very few clients who are unwilling to come
to my office. This happens occasionally, but I typically refer those clients out to the juvenile division or
social workers at local agencies to save the families the financial burden of paying my fee when there is a
potential the unwilling participant may not show up. If someone is unwilling to participate, we cannot
make progress.
(Essential and driving questions:)
Q: From your experience working, do you think people prefer mental or physical pain?
A: I don't think there is a right answer to this question. It depends on the person and their history. Many
people would prefer to feel physical pain because it is a distraction from emotional pain, and because it
gives a specific location to their pain (ie: individuals who cut themselves to feel physical pain in one area
on their body because they EITHER are feeling too much emotional pain and they need to localize it to
one spot OR they are feeling nothing emotionally and want to prove they are still capable of pain). This is
not always the case, however. There are many individuals who would rather take on emotional pain at the
expense of avoiding physical pain (ie: someone with a sexual abuse history may prefer to endure a
relationship with someone who is emotionally neglectful to avoid having to experience physical pain of
intimacy with them).
Q: Do you think people have different tolerance levels to pain?
A: Absolutely!

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Q: Do you think people's level of tolerance to pain is due to genetics? Or because of their environment?
A: There is much research to suggest both genetics and environment are contributing factors to pain
tolerance. What one person may consider a "T" (pronounced in the clinical world as "big T trauma" or
"capital T trauma") may be something that another person considers "t" (pronounced in the clinical world
as "little t trauma" or "lowercase t trauma"). The safer we feel in an interaction or a relationship, the less
likelihood that our amygdala (the flight or fight part of the brain) will become activated and, therefore, the
higher our pain tolerance.
Q: Do you think pains measurable/comparable from one scenario to the next?
A: I'm not sure how we could measure that since it would be subjective.
Q: Why do you think people cause themselves pain? Why do you think people cause other people pain?
A: There is not one specific answer to this. Avoidance, Shame, Emotional Wounds, Detachment,
Dissociation are all reasons that we cause ourselves pain AND we cause others pain. It is human nature
and no one is immune to it. Healthy human nature looks like the ability to take ownership over the pain we
cause others and repair if we are able. It also looks like searching out ways we can nurture ourselves to
heal some of the pain we cause ourselves.
For my action part of my paper I chose to make a song to raise awareness. I wanted to bring it in a
memorable way like pain is. And what else is as memorable as a song. Below are my lyrics and the
recording of me singing with the music to it is on my e-portfolio.
It's been a painful day without you, my friend
And I can't hold it in any longer
Why do you do what you do
Oh, it doesn't make sense
Let me tell you all about it more after i vacuum my room
(Hey)
Damn, who knew?
All the times we've been through

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I just want to know
Is this emotional roller coaster
You put me in
Going to give me answer in the very end
Let me tell you all about it after i vacuum my room
(Aah oh, aah oh
Wooooh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh)
Yeah
Now I can't decide
what to do
'About the pain people cause
For no reason at all
someone told me that it wouldn't last
They fucking lied
It still hurts really bad
Ill tell you all about it after i vacuum my room
Look at things different, see the bigger picture
Can't I just be
All I wanna do is vacuum my room
(Aah oh, aah oh
Wooooh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh)
Yeah
In conclusion I believe that pain is a common moral to the story because it's memorable. Pain is
such a strong emotion that everybody feels to some degree so they can relate. Throughout my three books
and sources I came across plenty of research that proves you can't control your pain in a healthy way
because it's not natural. Pain isnt measurable because everybody is unique. People express pain in

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different ways depending on their personalities and experiences. Pain is necessary because without it it
would make life boring and one-dimensional. You wouldn't know happiness without pain. And if you
compare people's tolerance to pain you'll find there's incredible gaps. Lastly, pain is the most powerful
manipulative tool used next to love.

Works Cited

"How the Worst Moments in Our Lives Make Us Who We Are." Andrew Solomon:. Web. 04 May 2016.

"Powerful Pain Meds Found on Prince at Death - CNN Video." CNN. Cable News Network. Web. 04 May
2016.

Edwards, Kim. The Memory Keeper's Daughter. New York: Viking, 2005. Print.

Hosseini, Khaled. The Kite Runner. New York: Riverhead, 2003. Print.

Sebold, Alice. The Lovely Bones: A Novel. Boston: Little, Brown, 2002. Print.

Szabo, Liz. "Doctors Told to Avoid Prescribing Opiates for Chronic Pain." USA Today. Gannett, 2016. Web.
04 May 2016.