Beatriz Ulloa

Writing 2
Three Sides to the Same Story

Do you know anyone with a current or past eating disorder? Chances are that you do,
even if you are not aware. Eating disorders have become a widespread phenomenon that have the
ability to impact anyones life. The truth of the matter is that eating disorders have the ability to
be pose high risk health consequences, and in some cases they may even lead to death. Research
is being conducted to pinpoint the issues of eating disorders and patterns around the world. There
are articles written within the global studies and communication disciplines, and even some

Comment [1]: Beatriz,

1st: Name/course/date at the top of every paper unless
otherwise instructed.
2nd: I know you've got a lot to "say" -- and that's
awesome -- but you've gotta stay within the
assignments reqs. I opened this paper up in MS Word
with 12 point font (standard) and 1 inch margins (also
standard) and it was 7 full pages.
That's significant for two reasons: (1) each extra page
takes longer to read/respond to for me, and (2) you're
losing out on the valuable skill (seriously) of
condensing what you want to communicate into the
most crucial parts. (Ie, less can be more!)
Comment [2]: Read this out loud.

within the scope of popular media. Each of the disciplines take a different approach to attempt to
understand eating disorders. The different types of articles have the ability to highlight how one
topic can be dissected in various ways and each of the ways have a different set audience that
they format their papers to. The formatting of the paper uses different moves to give an essay
style that is chosen by the writer to achieve a desired outcome whether it be to inform or
entertain.
Global Studies incorporates gathers information from a variety of disciplines. Like many

Comment [3]: Hmmm... I'm not totally sure what you're

arguing here, Beatriz.
The genre's format = the author's moves?

other fields of writing, global studies researchers uses moves. Researchers in the field of Global

Some questions to, hopefully, get you in a clearer,

more specific direction:

Studies analyze data that is taken from psychologists and other scientists to gather information to

What moves? What about the format? What style?

find patterns within world trends. The essay Eating Disorders East and West: A Culture Bound

Are they all the same across the pieces? Different?

How so?

Syndrome Unbound, by Richard A. Gordon debates the rising trend of eating disorders within

Which one is informing? Which one is entertaining?

Why?

developing countries and the possibility of a decreasing trend within developed countries. The

Comment [4]: Read this out loud too.

essay opens with a short italicized paragraph with the title, Debate Question and then it goes

Comment [5]: Could you make this a part of your

argument? Does this "interdisciplinarity" seem unique
to Global Studies?

into a brief description about the topic of the essay. The clear formatting of the topic allows

Comment [6]: What data? What are they collecting and

analyzing? What insights does this provide?
Comment [7]: What do you mean here?

readers to have an idea about what the essay is about so they know whether the essay is relevant
to what they are looking for or not. Then the essay has a clear bold heading that says, The

sociocultural panorama(Gordon). The paragraph outlines the ways in which social and cultural
aspects are associated with the emergence of eating disorders. Gordon goes through a sequence

Comment [8]: Such as?

of events by date that elaborate on the evolution of the research of eating disorders. The linear
structure of his argument is a move that allows readers to chronologically follow the history of
the study of eating disorders.
Later in the essay, the author continues to use techniques to adapt to genre of research

Comment [9]: Cool, this does sound important -- I'm

wondering how the other 2 pieces differ.
Comment [10]: Get specific. Use your topic sentences
to tell me exactly what's up ahead.

papers. Adapting to genres is a move that researchers make so that the reader knows what to
expect throughout the paper. The body paragraphs include percentages to add mathematical data
to the paper. The major category within the text is titled, The global rise of eating disorders:

Comment [11]: About?

Discussing the evidence(Gordon). The evidence includes a table that breaks the information
down by country. The table acts as visual where data can be presented so it can be easily
accessible. Then there are subsections that break the patterns up by the region. An example of
this is, Southern and Southeastern Asia. The following paragraphs are a mixture of surveys
taken by patients and average women living in this regions. The essays include details such as
how a woman feels about her weight and fitting into a certain dress. Personal details appeal to
the pathos aspect of the research paper, and also tie into the main argument about how eating
disorders can be socially oriented.

Comment [12]: OK, it looks like they're using a variety

of data/methods. Is this worth weaving into your
greater argument??
Comment [13]: What personal details?
Beatriz, you're spotting out a lot of potentiallyworthwhile features, but I need you to take me IN
DEPTH and help me SEE and understand what you
want me to see/understand.

Another section in the paper includes contrasting cultural details than previously
mentioned. The subcategory of Africa highlights the differences between cultures and values
within these cultures. The different sections are a move that help the reader compare and contrast
information. The researcher includes details like the fact that heavy is a positive attribute for a
women in Ugandan tribes because fat is seen as a sign of fertility. The conclusion finishes off
with primarily summarizing to remind the readers of the most important information in the

Comment [14]: Is it worth slowing down -- maybe earlier

on -- and defining/describing moves? And why they're
worth using as a "lens" to study these pieces? Could
that enhance your paper and/or argument?

paper. The conclusion also contains the condescended answer to the questions that were asked by
the author in the beginning of the essay.
Overall, the tone is neutral. There are no major indicators of the authors opinion about

Comment [15]: Evidence needed.

eating disorders. The author does not use first person or informal language. The readers are most
likely other researchers or students that are seeking to learn more about eating disorders from a
global perspective. The essay was primarily factual; the facts were presented as either
paraphrased ideas from other scientists, statistics, surveys, and observations. The global studies
research paper adheres to the factual tone, because of its informational nature. The reader is able

Comment [16]: This is a beautiful "overview sentence,"

but I think it might be misplaced.
Could you think of another place where this might be
more effective?

to read the collected knowledge in an organized manner and compare the information between
the different regions of the world. Some personal information is mentioned, but a personal
connection is not the main intent of the paper. The papers main purpose that is mentioned at the
beginning is to answer the debate questions.
The second essay falls under the communications category. The essay is titled, The
Relationship Between Media Consumption and Eating Disorders by Kristen Harrison and
Joanne Cantor. Similarly to the other essay, the beginning is an italicized synopsis of the content
of the paper. The article is divided up into sections, but they are not as clear-cut as the other
paper. The psychology paper utilized bold headers and more spacing to distinguish topics and
sections, but the communication paper does not. Instead, the communication paper uses italics to
distinguish change, but because italics are used in other places throughout the paper the italics
are no longer as powerful.
The communications essay begins with an introduction of the current trends of eating
disorders. The distinguishing factors between the essays are more distinct in the main body
paragraphs that present the main portion of the research. The communications essay focuses on

Comment [17]: Is this important? Does it pass the "so

what, who cares?" test?
If so, how/why?

Comment [18]: Beatriz, I don't know if I really love the

"essay #1 begins with X, then moves on to Y, and then
concludes with Z."
And then: "essay #2 begins with X..."
Are there any other ways you might be able to more
effectively weave these ideas together? What seems
most important here? What's really worth making an
argument about?

media and the relationship with body image issues. The paper uses some non academic resources
such as the Playboy and The Beverly Hills diet to provide evidence. There are various ways in

Comment [19]: Which is?

which communication can be transmitted, whether it be through magazines or commercials. The

article does not only have to rely on academic resources, because components of communication
include platforms that are not always academic, but can be analyzed in an academic fashion.
Throughout the essay words that have significant importance are italicized to emphasize
them and introduce new terms. The italicizing signals that the term is important, and therefore
suggests to the reader what to pay attention to. These new terms have a couple of sentences that
identify their meaning and later go into the importance of the term in relation to the research. It

Comment [20]: Which are??

takes eleven pages for the author to finally get to the portion of the essay that conveys the six

I don't feel like I'm learning anything new about eating

disorders -- just that, they're formatted in similar
ways.... (so what, though!)

different hypothesis. The length of the paper and the in depth analysis suggests that the paper is
geared towards an audience that is interested in eating disorder research. The research in this

Get into the data. Dig into the research questions?

What did they find? Who can use this stuff? How?

paper is more widespread and detailed. There are six different possibilities that are presented
before the author goes into her method.
The communication paper performs an experiment on students to see whether any of the
hypothesis align with the information he finds on the field. The fact that the research is

Comment [21]: Which is?

performing a brand new experiment adds credibility to the paper, because of the new data that is

Comment [22]: Is this a major aspect of your argument?

Don't forget: the purpose of *everything* in your paper
is to support your main argument/thesis.

being presented. The essay relies heavily on individuals responses and their struggle with body

If it doesn't support it, it's relevant.

image and then compares that with media. There are tables that provide results of the relationship
between media and eating disorders with equations that present the correlation. About four pages

(I'm not saying that this is irrelevant, I'm just asking IF it

is -- you might also want to find a way to explain
how/why it is.)

of the essay focus on analyzing the numerical data of the experiment along with explaining what
the numbers mean in the context of communication. The paper ends with the typical discussion
where he lists the results and the limitations of the experiment. The limitations allow the reader

Comment [23]: What were the limitations? Were they

similar or different to the other piece?

to understand that the experiment was not perfect and therefore some of the data can be skewed.
The discussion also serves as a tool for other researchers to expand on the experiment in the
future.
The communication research paper that I chose was extremely detailed. There were a
total of 28 pages that described both previous research and the research that she was conducting
within the paper. I think the length of a paper is a move. The length has the power to deter
readers because of how time consuming it is or attract readers because of how detailed it is. The

Comment [24]: "I" is OK to use in formal papers (though

you might want to check with the prof). However, this is
the first time you're using it in THIS paper -- and we're
on p. 5 -- so it's a little bit distracting.
My advice is this: if you feel like you can/should use I,
then set that expectation early on in your paper (i.e.,
your Intro).

audience are most likely other researchers within the communication field, because of all the
information was presented. The formatting aligned closely with the typical research paper format
which made it easier to find different sections within the lengthy essay. The tone was
professional throughout, but also used emotion and personal accounts by the participants to

Comment [25]: Evidence?

entice to the reader. The discipline of communication does rely on numbers to gather and
organize the data sometimes, but it relies primarily on the relationship humans have with media
in this specific paper. The author deliberately makes the move of incorporating relevant data to
the study, because it adds authenticity to the study.
The last article is from Cosmopolitan online. Eating Disorders Are More Common at
Schools With More Girls Than Boys by Hannah Smothers, explores the relationship between
genders within schools and eating disorders. The article has ads to the side of it, because Cosmo
is a magazine that makes money through advertisement. There is also a large picture that goes
along with the essay that serves as an object that keeps the essay from looking drab.
The article is a couple of paragraphs long, because the readers of Cosmopolitan are most likely
not looking for long research papers when they pick up a leisure magazine.

Comment [26]: You're not giving this piece too much

attention. I wonder why....

The magazine article is not conducting any of its own original research. It is simply just
stating a report of what one researcher has found. The information given is limited, but it does
link readers to pages where more information can be found about the article. Even though the
article is short, she still manages to use a move mentioned in the They Say, I Say Appendix, titled
introducing standard views when she mentions that most people think that eating disorders are
more common amongst woman (Smothers). At the very end there is a link for the reader to
follow the author on Twitter. The audience are most likely women in their late teens through
their mid-twenties. The piece is brief and informal. There are sources used, but they are one
sided. The article is probably not used by other researchers, instead it is probably used by woman
that are just browsing the magazines website.
Each of the pieces use techniques to perform the best function for the discipline that they
fall under. The global studies piece effectively uses global data to compare eating disorders and
the patterns within these different regions. The communication piece wisely incorporates its own
research to reinforce the credibility of their research. The Cosmo article dealt with eating
disorders in a light manner to appeal to the readers. In order to achieve the ultimate goal of
informing, each of the papers anticipated what was going to more beneficial for their intended
reader to read. The same topic can be transformed to different disciplines by changing the
direction and conventions used to describe said topic.
Works Cited

Gordon, Richard A. "Eating Disorders and Cultures in Transition." Google Books.

Brunner-Routledge, 2001. Web. 11 May 2016.
Graff, Gerald, and Cathy Birkenstein. They Say / I Say: The Moves That Matter in Academic

Comment [27]: OK -- is this significant? Could you

make this a major part of your argument?

Writing. New York: W.W. Norton, 2010. Print.

Harrison, K. and Cantor, J. (1997), The relationship between media consumption and eating
disorders. Journal of Communication, 47: 4067. doi:10.1111/j.1460-2466.1997.tb02692.
Smothers, Hannah. "Eating Disorders Are More Common at Schools With More Girls Than
Boys." Cosmopolitan. N.p., 21 Apr. 2016. Web. 11 May 2016.

Writing 2 Feedback Matrix for WP2

Table of Textual Features and Qualities
Did Not Meet
Expectations
Thesis Statement
Use of Textual Evidence from
Genres
Use of Course Readings
Analysis
Organization/Structure
Attention to Genre/Conventions
and Rhetorical Factors
Attention to Moves
Exploration of Disciplinarity
Sentence-level Clarity, Mechanics,
Flow
Comments and Grade

Met
Expectation
s

Exceeded
Expectations

X
X
X
X/XX
XX/XX
X
Beatriz,
Check out my comments on some ways you can
improve this for the portfolio. I have two major
pieces of advice: (1) get a LOT more specific with
your claims -- support them with evidence and
help me see what youre referencing, and (2) more
importantly, I think you need to find your main
argument -- something that passes the so what,
who cares? test.
You can do it! Dont be discouraged here. This

is a long process, and youre gonna get there and

youre gonna succeed. I believe in you. ;)
Z
7/10 - 0.5 (no feedback matrix) = 6.5/10