Revision Matrix

WP1: The Difference in Digital Thoughts

Text from my
initial WP
submission:
(a phrase,
sentence,
paragraph, idea,
move,
punctuation,
piece of
evidence, etc.)

An observation or
question I received
from De Piero or a
classmate:

The change(s) I
made to what I
initially wrote:
(ie, the
change[s] I made
to column 1)

How this change

impacts my
paper:

Social media is
used by
everyone,
particularly with
teenagers.
Everywhere you
look, you can see
at least one
person on their
phone. The world
today revolves
around
technology,
proving how big
of an impact
social media has
had on everyone
Facebook is
definitely not as
often used as it
was before.
Looking through
many Facebook
profiles, I found
that many
Facebook
statuses or
captions either
update friends
about a
significant

I think you fluffed

out this intro a bit
too much. Get me
hooked, then begin
to lay down your
argument on me.
No fluff.

Social media
such as
Facebook,
Twitter, and
Instagram play a
huge role in
everyday lives
but each has a
unique aspect.
Facebook serves
to share, while
twitter spreads
an opinion, and
Instagram
connects words
to a photo.

I took out all the

unneeded fluff
words, and
instead used the
space to further
strengthen my
argument
through using
examples and
specifics.

You're jumping
around quite a bit
here, Li. What's the
1 main idea of this
paragraph
(whatever that is, I
think you should
consider succinctly
laying it out in your
topic sentence, that
way your reader
has a clear
understanding of
what this paragraph

Facebook gives
people a sense of
identity as well
as a profile to
share themselves
with the world.

Instead of
jumping around
to different
topics without
giving any detail
or background, I
cut it down to
my main idea as
the topic
sentence and
then went into
more detail later
on.

update in their
life, change in
relationship
status, or
something that
would tell the
friends about
their connections
etc.
Someone may
talk about an
event that is
coming up in
their life.

is about), and how

does it
enhance/contribute
to your argument?

Give an actual
example to help
your argument.
Textual evidence is
very important.

. My friend,
Samantha Lee,
says, So excited
to be interning
for Facebook
Messenger this
summer! San
Jose, here I
come!

I looked through
my Facebook
and actually
found real
statuses that
people have
posted. I found
that this really
advanced my
argument in the
sense that it
gave textual
evidence that
allows my
reader to see an
actual example
that proves that
statuses share
an
accomplishment
or special event.

Many Facebook
users usually
have hundreds
and hundreds of
friends.

I need you to use

actual data here, Li.
I need you to be
looking at *specific*
documents and
making claims
about them that
help you support a
position/argument.

Usually the
audience of
Facebook is very
massive for there
are many users
and according to
Aaron Smith in
Pew Research
Center, Average
amount of friends
for a Facebook
user is 465
friends This just
shows how
enormous the

I looked up
actual textual
data. I thought
this would be
hard to do but it
was actually
easy to find this
information. Not
only that but it
strengthened
my argument
greatly
especially
seeing that now
there are actual

audience is for a
single status

facts backing
me up.

Since Facebook
has such a broad
network, many
people use it to
share their
opinion on
things.

This may be a
personal pet peeve
of mine, but Id like
to advise you to
steer clear of
things in
academic writing
(maybe even all
writing!). Its
suuuuuuper vague.
Academic writing
requires precision
and specificitybe
direct and tell me
exactly what youre
talking about. Pick
the 1 word that
really captures the
idea(s) that you
want to get across.

Since Facebook
has such a broad
network, many
people use it to
share their
opinion on
personal or
political views.

I took out the

word thing
since I found
that it did not
sound very
academic and
lowered the
credibility of my
paper. It was
also extremely
vague. I
replaced with a
word with more
detail such as
political view
it allowed my
reader to better
understand the
topic I was
writing about.

Another may be
I will be
attending
University of
California, Santa
Barbara. I chose
this school
becauseetc.

I don't want
hypotheticals here.
Give me direct
textual evidence
that supports your
argument.

My friend,
Natalie, recently
posted, I will be
attending
University of
California, Santa
Barbara. I chose
this school
becauseetc.

I took out the

hypothetical and
created direct
textual evidence
instead. This
made my
argument a lot
stronger sine
anyone can
create a
hypothetical but
instead now I
have a real life
example.

The tone of
Facebook
statuses
depends on the
person and
event

Tone is an excellent
idea to bring up and
analyze for this
paper, but right
here it's buried
within the

I created a new
paragraph that
focuses just on
the tone.

Creating a new
paragraph
allowed me to
refocus on my
main argument
and really go

paragraph (and I'm

not really sure what
the paragraph is
ultimately about).

into the tone of

Facebook
statuses instead
of losing sight
on what my
topic and
paragraph was
supposed to be
about.

It uses first order

thinking which is
thinking that is
intuitive an
creative and
doesnt strive for
conscious
direction or
control (Elbow
55)

This is a REALLY
cool idea to bring
up in your paper,
but I feel like it's
buried in the
paragraph.

When writing a
Facebook status,
there is no rough
draft, one writes
directly what is
on their mind
without thinking
about grammar
errors but just
spills their
thoughts onto
the keyboard.
This is what
make statuses so
unique, it is
someones direct
thought.

Instead of just
inserting the
quote, I took the
time to really
think about the
quote and how it
relates to my
argument. I was
able to think of
many
interesting
points I had not
before. I also
better
understood how
first order
thinking works
in terms of
social media.

Compared to
Facebook
statuses, twitter
is completely
different.

Remember, Twitter
is a
program/website.
It's not a textual
genre in the same
way that FB
statuses are.

Compared to
Facebook
statuses, tweets
are completely
different.

I realized that
Facebook
statuses and
twitter are two
completely
different things.
This is why I
changed it to
tweets instead
of twitter. Now
they are similar
genres that are
comparable to
each other
continuing
further in my

body paragraph.
Many tweets are
very
controversial
because people
do not censor
much of what
they post on
twitter.

Such as? I need

evidence here.

For example,
Nicki Minaj
tweeted, If I was
a different kind
of artist,
Anaconda would
be nominated for
best
choreography
and vid as well.
Taylor Swift
responded with
Ive done
nothing but love
& support you.
Its unlike you to
pit women
against each
other. Maybe one
of the men took
your slot. This is
an example of
twitter beef
where people
speak freely but
of course, may
happen to offend
one another.

I found a real life

example of two
artists tweeting
against each
other to prove
that freely
tweeting may
cause different
controversial
issues as well as
cause much
drama.