12 Steps to Un-Spoiling Your Child

By Crissy A. Balatbat | 18 August 2015

Previously, if you asked anyone in the Zulueta household who was boss, theyd tell you it was Marlon*, then a 10year-old spoiled brat. He used to demand things, eat whatever he pleased, watch television endlessly, face the
computer more than his books. No one dared interfere with the boys sovereignty.
He knew how to make his parents cater to his every whim, recalls Corazon Esquivia, M.D., a psychiatrist in private
practice in Pasay City. The distraught parents of this boy found themselves at their sons mercy. They knew
something was wrong but couldnt control the situation, she relates, adding that after family counseling, the problem
had been resolved. Sadly, Esquivia says she has seen the same situation with her other clients.
A definition of terms

According to Esquivia, overindulging children means giving them too much too soon. One of its causes is parental
guilt. A lot of parents who work long hours try to buy the affection of their kids, she explains. Cell phones and iPads
do not equate to love, however. Material overindulgence is just one of the reasons well-adjusted kids turn into spoiled
brats.
Permissiveness and over-nurturing are the other prongs of overindulgence, adds Esquivia. Permissiveness is allowing
kids to do whatever they want, whenever they want, however they want to. Over-nurturing is doing for kids what
they can do for themselves, not allowing them to face challenges or deal with consequences of their own actions.
Sometimes, the problem is compounded by parents trying to get their own emotional needs met through their kids.
Some are afraid their children wont like them, much less love them, if they set limits. In reality, Esquivia says, the
opposite is true. Having rules gives kids a sense that they are loved and cared about.
Through the tears
Marita Veloso,

a lawyer and a mom to two kids, knows what her children wont be getting for Christmas. There wont be a
PlayStation or the latest fad toy under the Christmas tree. Ill make sure that we will be happy as a family, but not
because of material things.
My husband and I used to spoil our kids. But when they started bossing us around, or crying just to get us to do what
they wanted, we realized this madness had to stop. We had to stand up to our kids and let them know that there are
limits, relates Marita.
Many parents want to be their kids best friends. Though that is good, they shouldnt forget that first and foremost,
their role is to be parents. Theyre not there to entertain their kids, keep them happy, solve all their problems, provide
for all their wants. Esquivia stresses, Kids need time and attention. But they need the right type, in the right doses, at
the right stages in their development.
Litmus test for spoiled rotten
Esquivia gives these sure-fire signs to look out for:
Protests everything Doesnt follow rules or cooperate with suggestions Makes unfair or excessive demands
Doesnt know the difference between needs and wants Insists on having his way Tries to control people Doesnt
respect other peoples rights Constantly complains of being bored Feels entitled to everything Easily gets
frustrated Is always impatient and demands instant gratification Doesnt know the value of sacrifice Is
disrespectful and irresponsible Has an insatiable and constant need for more.
The consequences

Kids who grew up learning that no morphs rather easily into yes end up not learning necessary life skills. Heres
what Esquivia says could happen to overindulged kids.
1. They will struggle to cope with lifes disappointments as adults. These kids have a distorted sense of entitlement
that leads to failures in the workplace and in relationships, explains Esquivia. They become helpless and
irresponsible.
2. They will feel less secure. Children need limits on their behavior because they feel better and more secure living
within a certain structure.
3. They will become self-centered. Real happiness always involves service to others, but overindulged kids never learn
that truth. Theyre set up to be narcissistic, spoiled, lazy, have poor social skills and impulse-control problems, says
Esquivia.
4. They will become unmotivated and disaffected. Children who have too much dont appreciate anything. If we give
children everything they want at an early age, what is there for them to work for? Esquivia says.
5. They will become less appreciative. Theres almost a disconnection from the fact that the parent has spent the time
and money to acquire a certain toy or gadget, says Esquivia. An over-indulged child just takes this for granted. A
child who has fewer toys is usually more grateful for them and appreciative of the giver.
Transforming seorito
Acknowledging that your kid has become a royal pain is just half the battle. Here are tips from Esquivia on how to un-spoil a little
brat.

1. Catch yourself when youre starting to give in.

Your skillful kid is bound to wheedle, cajole, nag, or manipulate you into giving more. Be firm in saying no.

2. Once in a while, make children pay you back.

For example, if you help them to do something they can do on their own, require them to take on an extra chore to compensate you
for your time.

3. On childrens birthdays, let them choose a new privilege and a new responsibility.
This way, they will learn that as they grow older, they will gain more control and freedom but only through self-discipline.

4. Hold children responsible for their actions, even accidental ones.

Let children clean up their own mess, or if one hurts another, let the perpetrator get ice or a Band-Aid for the victim. Otherwise,
parents are teaching children that it doesnt matter what they do - they just have to say sorry and theyre off the hook, says
Esquivia.

5. Dont save your kids all the time.

If your child leaves his assignment notebook in school, put the problem on him: How are you going to get your assignments, then?
Esquivia advises. Maybe he needs to call a friend and write down the whole list by hand. Dont make forgetting easier than
remembering, she says.

6. If tempted to over-nurture, adopt a pet or volunteer.

Dont shower all your love on your children. It will do you good to focus some of your energies elsewhere.

7. Let kids suffer the consequences.

You insist your kids clean their rooms before going to a play date; they procrastinate. Dont step in and pick up toys just because
theyll be disappointed not to go.

8. Dont soften the blow.

If parents impose conse-quences, kids are often unhappy. Thats OK, says Esquivia. Dont make them feel better by letting them
watch a favorite video or eat ice cream.

9. If kids back away from chores, discontinue certain parental services.

Examples of such are giving rides to friends or packing favorite school snacks. Do this until they are willing to accept some
responsibilities around the house.

10. If youve been overindulgent, dont try to change everything all at once.
Youll get resistance from your child. Start with one step and enforce it consistently until it becomes habitual. Then move on to
another challenge.

11. Dont be afraid to be unpopular.

Kids will always push. Its up to the parent to draw the line and not budge.

12. Help distinguish between needs and desires.

Kids should want for things once in a while. If every day is an exciting high, the highs get flat and will never be high enough, says
Esquivia.

Kids Acting Up: 8 Bratty Behaviors and How to Deal with Them
By Ruth Manimtim-Floresca | 12 June 2015
How to deal with shouting, lying, and other absolutely irritatingly bratty behavior

We call them brats. They always want more. They expect to get their way. They have trouble sharing. And they dont
care about others, only themselves.
Spoiled kids have been overindulged and overpraised. Most kids display bratty behavior once in a while. However,
parents must learn to distinguish between a bratty behavior and a certified brat.
Dan Kindlon, Ph.D.,

author of Too Much Of A Good Thing, says spoiled kids are often less able to cope with stress because their

parents indulge their every whim. These kids assume that life is a bed of roses. Kindlon writes, The body cannot learn
to adapt to stress unless it experiences it. Indulged children can also be at risk of being self-centered, angry,
depressed, spoiled, envious, overly competitive and driven or, on the flip side, unmotivated. They may lack selfcontrol, and thus be more likely to get into trouble with drugs, alcohol and risky sex.
What is bratty behavior?
Lillian L. Juadiong, Ph.D.,

associate professor of Family Life and Child Development in U.P. Dilimans College of Home

Economics, helped us compile a list of kids bratty behaviors and how parents can deal with them as early as possible.
1. Tantrums

What do you do when your child suddenly starts kicking and screaming on the floor of a shopping mall because you
would not buy him a coveted toy? Talk to the child beforehand and set rules. Tell him, I will bring you to the mall
today but we are buying school supplies not toys. If he still throws a tantrum in the mall, let him know you mean
business when you say, I will only talk to you if you stop your tantrums, or If you dont stop that, I will leave you
here. Then start to walk away slowly. Just make sure he is still in your line of vision.
Juadiong says children are experimenting which tactics will work to get their way. If he sees that mom and dad intend
to do what they said, the child will realize the futility and stop the tantrums. On the other hand, children who
manifest tantrums through head banging should be brought to a child therapist as early as possible. Head banging is a
matter that should be taken seriously.
2. Throwing objects

First off, you must childproof your home. Dont place expensive objects around the house within easy reach.
When your child throws a tantrum, reason with him by telling him the functions of objects such as, That vase is for
flowers. If you throw that, you can hurt yourself with the broken pieces. Explain the value of things: You know what,
this music box was given to me by your grandma when she was still alive. I would like to give it to you when you grow
up.

3. Frequent crying

Check first if theres a good reason for the tears. Something might be bothering your child, such as, he may be in pain.
Ask him gently to tell you whats wrong. Say, I cant understand you if you are crying and talking at the same time.
4. Shouting

Observe people around your child who might provoke him to speak loudly. Maybe his yaya shouts at him when youre
not home. Check yourself too whenever you feel the need to shout. Remind other adults in your household to watch
their voices around him.
When your child talks or vents by shouting, lower your voice to counteract his loud one. Play music and turn the
volume high or bang pots and pans together while talking to him. Now ask, Do you think people can hear and
understand each other with all this noise? Record your childs voice when he is shouting then let him listen to
himself. Ask him, Would you like me to talk to you that way too? It is necessary to convey to the child that anger can
still be expressed without having to shout. Make a habit of always listening to him when he talks. Shouting may be his
way to get your attention.
Show him scientific illustrations about the throat. Explain about the voice box and how people can get hoarse by
straining it. Let him feel his throat and see the difference in vibrations when talking normally as compared to
shouting. Research together the effect of too much loud noise on peoples ears.
5. Foul language and cursing

For very young children, saying foul words may just be a way to have fun. They dont do that because they want to
curse other people. They may have just heard something new and found it fun to say, so they say it repeatedly.
Break the habit by asking him if he knows what it means. Try explaining how it is something that should not be heard
from a childs mouth. Address other adults around the child not to laugh when he says those words even if the child
sounds funny saying so. Introduce new words by reading a new book or teaching him poems, rhymes and songs.
6. Physical aggressive behavior (hair-pulling, kicking, hitting, throwing things at people)

Explain to your child how his behavior is pushing others away. You wont have friends if you always hurt them, is
one way to tell him. Moreover, let him know that his behavior should not be repeated. A parent who is lenient about
such aggressiveness or turns a blind eye sends a message to the child that it is okay for him to hurt other people.
7. Lying

Sometimes kids lie because they dont know yet whats real and whats not. A child might have dreamt of something
and tells his friends about it, believing it was true all along, because he saw it in his dreams. Help him as early as
possible to define reality and fiction. Play the Truth Game: Mommy is a girl, true or false? True. Daddy is a girl,
true or false? False. We own an airplane, true or false? True. Are you sure or you just dreamt that? Oh yeah,
thats right! False, we dont have an airplane.
For older kids, lying is a way to make up for things that he does not have. We also have three cars! a child might say,
even if it isn't so. Make it clear to your child that it is all right even if he doesnt have things other kids have. Provide
lots of love and attention to give your child confidence and security even if lacking in material things.
8. Spitting

Let him know its not right to spit, especially on other people. Talk about hygiene and cleanliness: Your saliva has
germs. If you have a cough, your spit will carry those germs to other people. Help him understand the effect of his
actions, say: If you spit on others, their clothes will become dirty. Would you like others to spit on you too?
Too much parental indulgence

Why do kids get to manipulate parents? Parents who dont have much time for their child usually have feelings of
guilt so they give in easily to whims. Take note though that its impossible to raise children well unless we spend time
with them. Taking an active interest in our childrens lives, being willing to listen to whats on their minds and
participating in their activities are essential to good parenting.
A word of caution

Juadiong cautions that the consequences of spoiling your child will have different manifestations as he grows up.
Tantrums might be replaced with outright rebellion, taking drugs and running away from home. Lying may evolve
into stealing money or shoplifting. Think about your motivations for giving in and ask yourself whether they are
justified.
Being spoiled is not just a rich kids disease. By not letting our children take responsibility for their actions or by
giving in easily to their demands, we can spoil children without spending money.

We need to prepare our children for the time when they should be responsible for themselves. We should help them
develop the healthy attitudes and good habits that are foundations of character. They should be better able to cope
with stress, effectively pursue goals and resist temptation. To accomplish that, we must stop overindulging them, both
materialistically and emotionally.
When we overprotect our kids from failure, adversity and pain, we deprive them of the chance to develop a realistic
sense of their strengths and limitations, and to learn important coping skills. We deprive them of a chance to build
real character.

Kids 0 - 6 Years

5 Tips to Raising an Independent Preschooler

By Tina Santiago-Rodriguez | 26 May 2015
Fostering independence in your child should start at a young age

Mama, can you get my toy for me?

Help me with my shoes, please!
I need some water, Yaya. Can you get me some?
If youre a parent of a preschooler, the abovementioned phrases could be just a few of the many requests for help
that you hear from your child on a daily basis.
Of course, being the attentive and caring parents that we are, we often do whatever we can to help our children,
counting it as part of what it means to dote on them.
Experts, however, discourage overdoing it and actually advise parents to begin fostering independence in their
children from a young age.
In fact, renowned educator and physician Maria Montessori, who is famous for the Montessori method of education,
once said, Never help a child with a task at which he feels he can succeed. This is why Montessori educators set up
their classrooms to help make children independent, and be able to do things for themselves.
Montessori preschool teacher and mother of one Mars Medina encourages parents to teach their children
independence through her blog, MontessoriOnMars.com. She cites how Maria Montessori observed and theorized
that independence is considered as a natural progression in children.
As a teacher, Mars says she easily observes this in the classroom as well. We would often hear a child say, Let me do
it myself, or would often see a child insist on doing something on his own, she shares.
As such, fostering independence in preschool, through activities, language, mindset and environment, is only us
responding to the child's natural yearning and sensitivity to be independent, she adds, "to create the man that he will
become, in a setting that allows for the child's safety, happiness, confidence, and success.

Teach your preschooler to be independent

Helping your child learn to be independent is one of our important tasks as parents.
Michele S. Alignay,

a psychologist and registered guidance counselor (RGC), encourages parents to remember that the

preschool stage is the best training time for later skills and tasks of kids.
Independence should be set [early on], as they will go to school and grow up encountering more difficult life tasks
and parents wont always be there to do it for them! Alignay emphasizes.
Meanwhile, Ma. Rowena J. Matti, educator and CEO of Galileo Enrichment Learning Program, Inc., says it is important to
foster independence in preschoolers because at this early age they should know that they are capable of doing things
on their own.
How to teach independence to your child

There are numerous things that parents can do every day to foster independence in their kids. Here are five of them:

1. Prepare their environment.

Maita Ladrido,

an educational psychologist at Assumption College, advises parents to create safe environments where

its okay for kids to create, make mistakes and get messy.
Doing so is one way to encourage independence, while keeping your sanity as a parent.
On a practical level, this could mean giving your child easy access to things like his or her clothes/shoes, toys, eating
utensils and cups.
It can also mean allocating a specific place for them to play, read and do other things, and specific containers or
spaces for keeping their toys and books (for easier packing away after play).
Drawing from her Montessori background, Mars suggests making the things kids need for independence
appropriate, available and accessible.
For example, in the classroom, we have small brooms and dustpans for sweeping, which are color-coded so the child
knows which is for the floor and which is for cleaning the shelves/table, Mars shares.
On low shelves, we have small glass pitchers for pouring their own drinking water and other things they need to
prepare their own snacks, she adds.
2. Assign chores.

Aside from being an educator, Matti is an experienced mom herself to Bea and Celina, who are now teenagers. Her
top tip for teaching independence to kids? Let them do chores (yes, even if you have household help).
Assign preschoolers simple household chores that you know they can do, like asking them to bring their plates to the
kitchen sink after eating, she expounds.
It must be something that the child sees adults do. He must feel that he is helping.
3. Praise the childs efforts.

In addition to #2, Matti encourages parents to praise their children for accomplishing their tasks.
He will want to help more [when you do so], she explains. He will want to do more! Then eventually you can give
the child harder tasks.
4. Let them do self-care tasks on their own.
Mariel Uyquiengco,

a U.S.-licensed Kindermusik educator, and co-owner of The Learning Basket, shares one of the things

shes been doing to raise independent kids: allowing them to do simple self-care tasks alone.
Specifically, Mariel lets her two kids bathe themselves and dress themselves from an early age, among other things.
She speaks about this in her workshops for parents too.
Kids should be encouraged to put on their own shoes as soon as they show interest, even if it seems like it takes
forever for them to do so, she adds.
Even toddlers can do it, too and the look of pride and accomplishment youll see on their faces will be priceless!
5. Model everything.

Mars says parents should never forget the importance of modeling, especially the tasks that we want our kids to
complete independently.
Model first -- or, in Montessori-speak, "make a presentation" -- of how something can be done, she explains. This
way, you are able to communicate the task step-by-step .
Another famous phrase we use is 'Freedom within limits', Mars continues. This means that while children are free
and encouraged to be independent, doing presentations or modeling the expected behavior helps set responsible
limits while ensuring the success of the child.
Dont give up

Teaching our kids to be independent can be difficult at first, but we should not let our challenges stop us from doing
so because the fruits of our labor will be totally worth it. Whenever we feel like giving up though, let us remember
this quote found in the American childcare column Ask Ann Landers:

It is not what you do for your children but what you have taught them to do for themselves that will make them
successful human beings.

Kids 0 - 6 Years

Why Toddlers Wont Share Their Toys

By Lili Narvaez | 13 August 2015
Mine, mine, mine! Learn your toddlers struggle with sharing and what you can do about it.

Theres nothing more adorable than the sight of a toddler happily immersed in an afternoon of play. Wee hands stack
blocks and peals of excited laughter escape from his tiny body as playtime ensues. But when two toddlers come face to
face during playtime, theyre ready for a showdown, and their battle cry in a playground full of toys rings:

Its mine!

If I want it, its mine!

The toddlers creed goes something like this:

If I want it, its mine.
If I take it away from you, its mine.
If I had it a little while ago, its mine and so on.

A toddler is very egocentric at this stage, and this is why he refuses to share his toys -- his prized possessions,
explains JP Sordan, preschool teacher at Summit School in Taguig City.
What goes on in a toddlers mind when he refuses to share? Ina Syquia, curriculum directress of L.E.A.P. in Quezon City
sheds some light on this troubling toddler puzzle. First, you have to think of your toddlers characteristics and his
needs, she begins. When your child passes his first year, he will realize the desire to be independent, but becoming
aware of this newfound need is equally frustrating.
At the time of his life when the world is both an exciting an overwhelming place, a toddler cant help but assert his
claim on everything he sets his eyes on. Theyre determined to master control whatever it is thats going on around
them, says Syquia, who has a Masters degree in Infant Toddler Studies from Wheelock College in Massachusetts.
If I take it away from you, its mine!

When caught between two quarrelling tykes, neither will back down until you play referee! They feel like the world
revolves around them, Sordan says. But theres no need to worry about your toddler growing up to be a selfish
individual; he just hasnt fully comprehended his needs and his feelings -- more so those of another toddlers. They
are in a developmental stage wherein they cannot empathize yet. They dont know that theyre hurting another childs
feelings when they refuse to share, Sordan continues.
At this developmental stage you cant expect two toddlers to play together just yet. The most these tots can do is sit
side by side -- and hope that a toddler squabble wont arise during playtime. But what can you do to keep this from
happening? Here are some tips from Sordan and Syquia:
1. Double the fun.

Make sure you have duplicates of the childrens toys. This way, both toddlers will remain happily engrossed with their
own set of markers or blocks and wont notice the others playthings. Also, before going on a play date, sit with your
toddler and look at his toys. Bring only the toys he is willing to share with his playmates.
2. Intervene.

If toddlers have to share their toys, then you must act as mediator between the tots. When sharing markers as they
draw, youll have to make sure that toddlers take turns. Can she borrow the marker? And if he says no, you then say,
Okay, but in 10 counts, can you lend it? Syquia suggests. Taking turns can be expected as long as there is a
guarantee that the toddler will get the toy back, she adds.
3. Praise in play

Always encourage them to share and dont forget to praise them when they do, says Sordan. Whats important for a
toddler is to feel that what hes doing is right, so after he shares or takes turns with another child, be generous with
praise. Remind your little one to also say thank you. This way, the behavior that you want your child to follow is
acknowledged, and hes sure to remember it next time.
If we are building something together, all the pieces are mine!

Before your toddler can start interacting with another toddler, you must first show him that hes growing up in a
supportive environment. Syquia explains: This is in tune with the toddlers needs -- trust, autonomy, and initiative.
They need somebody they can trust to understand whats going on inside them.

Once you have provided your little one with this setup, he can slowly begin to understand himself and eventually, the
feelings of other toddlers. This lesson of course, is learned gradually, and you may still have to act as mediator
between two fighting and tantrum-throwing toddlers. To handle any toddler playground match, consider the
following situations and their possible solutions:
1. The good word.

Toddlers are slowly starting to express themselves verbally, and you can teach them the best way to talk to another
toddler who wants to take his toy away. You can teach them to say no or That's mine or Im using it and That
hurts! when another toddler starts to get physical, Syquia suggests.
2. Distract to detach

When toddlers have their eye on the same toy, grabbing can occur. Before fighting can begin, step in and distract the
toddler with another toy. Syquia offers this solution: You can say, Oh look at this toy! while the other toddler is
already playing with the object of conflict. Or you can remove the child from the situation and bring him to another
place where theres another interesting toy.
3. Show and tell

Toddlers communicate with their hands because they think its the easiest way to get their message across, explains
Syquia. When both toddlers reach for the same toy, and one of them hits the other child, you must explain to them the
situation. Comfort the one who was hurt, and properly reprimand the child who hit. Make sure that both parties see
these actions, so theyll both know that their needs are being attended to. This way, a toddler will understand his
feelings, and also see the consequences of his actions on another toddler.