A Letter from a Working Mother to a Stay-At-Home Mother, and vice versa | the healthy doctor

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A Letter from a Working Mother to a

Stay-At-Home Mother, and vice versa
Posted on February 8, 2014
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494k

Dear Stay-At-Home Mum

Some people have been questioning what you do at home all day. I know what you do. I
know because Im a mum and for a while I did it too.
I know you do unpaid work, often thankless work, which starts the moment you wake up, and
doesnt even end when you go to sleep. I know you work weekends and nights, with no
discernible end to your day or working week. I know the rewards are joyous but few.
I know that you seldom have a hot cup of coffee or tea. I know that your attention is always

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divided, often diverted from a moment to moment basis, and you cannot ever count on
completing a task in the one go. I know that you probably dont get any down time when
youre on your own at home, unless you have a single child who still naps in the daytime.
I know the challenges you deal with daily, usually with no peer support or backup. The
toddler tantrums, the toilet training accidents, the food battles, the food on the floor, the
crayons on the wall, the sibling rivalry, the baby that never seems to stop crying. I know how
the work seems incessant, like an endless cycle you shop for food, prepare it, cook it,
attempt to feed it to your children, clean it off the floor, wash the dishes, and repeat in three
hours.
I know you fantasise about having an hour to yourself to eat your lunch in peace, or about
having an afternoon nap. I know you sometimes wonder if its all worth it, and feel envious of
your friends who are having coffee breaks at work. I know that sometimes when your partner
gets home in the evening after his work is done, he wants to put his feet up exactly when you
need a break the most, and this can bring you to tears.
I know that you are misunderstood by so many who do not appreciate the difficulties of
caring for small children on your own, all day, and refer to you as joining the latte set. They
imagine you spend your day sipping coffee while your children play quietly. I know you miss
your financial independence. I know you feel amused and sometimes annoyed when others
proclaim TGIF! because to you every day is the same there is no Friday, no break from
your job. I know that many people do not understand that you work you simply work an
unpaid job at home.
SAHM, I dont know how you do it. I admire your infinite patience, your ability to face each
day cheerfully and bring joy into your childrens lives even when they wear you down. I
admire your dedication to being a constant presence in your childrens lives even if it isnt
always easy. I admire the way you work without expecting any reward no promotions, no
fame, no salary. I know you want your children to feel important and loved, and SAHM, you
do this the best.
I just wanted you to know that I understand. Were both mothers. And I know.
Love from the trenches
Working Mum

Dear Working Mum

I know you sometimes get judged by others for leaving your children in the care of others to
work. Some people imply that you dont love your children as much as us SAHMs do, and
that its best for children to be at home with their mothers.
How can they say this about you? I know you love your children just as much as any other

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mother. I know that going back to work was no easy decision. You weighed up the pros and
cons, long before you conceived a baby. It has always been one of the most important
decisions of your life. You thought about this even while you were in high school and were
choosing subjects for Grade 11.
I see you everywhere. You are the doctor I take my children to when they are sick. Youre my
childs allergist, the one who diagnosed her peanut allergy. Youre the physiotherapist who
treated my husbands back. Youre the accountant who does our tax returns. My sons
primary school teacher. The director of our childcare centre. My daughters gymnastics
teacher. The real estate agent who sold our house. What sort of world would it be if you
hadnt been there for us? If you had succumbed to the pressures of those who insisted a
mothers place had to be in the home?
I know you weigh up every job to see if it will suit your family. I know you wake up an hour
before everyone else does, just so you can get some exercise done or some quiet time. I
know that you have attended meetings after being up all night with your toddler. I know that
when you come home in the evening, your second shift begins. The nay-sayers dont
understand that you run a household AND hold a job. You come home, cook dinner, bath
your children and read them stories. You tuck them in and kiss them goodnight. You pay the
bills, do the grocery shopping, the laundry, the dishes, just like every other mother does.
I know that you often feel guilty about having any more time away from your children so you
sacrifice your leisure time. I know you cant bring yourself to take a day off for yourself
when your children are at daycare. I know you accept that work is your time off for now. I
know that when you are at work you dont waste a single minute. I know you eat your lunch
at your desk, you dont go out for coffee, and you show complete dedication and
concentration to your job. You chose to be there after all. You want to be there.
I know how discerning you are about who is looking after your children, and that many long
daycare centres offer excellent care. I know you only leave your children in a place where
you confident they are loved and well looked after. I know that you spend many days caring
for your children at home when they are sick, and sacrifice your pay. I know that you secretly
enjoy these days, and revel in being able to be with your children.
I know that sometimes you feel guilty about not being there all the time. But WM, I know this.
You are setting a wonderful example to your children. You are showing them that a woman
can have a career, contribute in some way outside the home, and still be a loving mother.
You are showing your daughters that they can do anything they want to do in life. You are
displaying strength, endurance, dedication, tenacity, and you do it with so much joy and love.
I just wanted you to know I understand. Because were both mothers.
Love from the trenches
Stay-At-Home Mum
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Im also on Twitter
Carolyn is a medical doctor and researcher. She blogs about health and her journey to
discover the Nirvana of work-family balance. She has a toddler and a three-year-old and a
wonderful husband, and returned to full-time work/study in February 2014. In her spare
time she enjoys running and the occasional eating of cupcakes.
Photo credit: picjumbo.com

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230 THOUGHTS ON A LETTER FROM A WORKING MOTHER TO A STAY-AT-HOME MOTHER, AND VICE VERSA

Caitlin
on February 12, 2014 at 9:16 am said:

I am a working mom of 2 young girls. My oldest will be 2 March 25th and my second
was born January 16th, 2014. I am currently on maternity leave and I am really
struggling with the fact I have to go back to work soon. I am not ready to leave my
babies. I work a childcare center. My older daughter comes with me to work but even
though shes there I dont see her all day. I cant bring my new baby with me because
I cant afford both of them there. I wish I could stay home with them.

Kathleen
on February 12, 2014 at 9:32 am said:

This is poignant but it does not fully address the situation. I was for small chunks of
time, a stay at home Mom. I would have rather been a stay at home Mom. But that
wasnt possible because our family needed the income. When my children were
three and four my husband decided he didnt want our relationship anymore and I
became a single parent. There was no father who came home and put his feet up

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that made me feel like crying. I remember when my second child was born and she
was a night owl, my older child slept all night, I didnt sleep at all. The public health
nurse called and I broke down in tears, please send someone so I can get some
sleep, I begged. But they could not. Then I got very sick so they did in the end, but
only because I had to have an operation. So I worked and was the Mom and did not
have the luxury of a partner to assist me. Even my own family were unable to really
provide support. I am now 50 and I wish to God that I had been able to be a stay at
home Mom. I loved my work and still do, but I did not choose it, at all, I had no choice
but to do both jobs all the work of a stay at home Mom and all the work of a
working Mom. Please give credit to the working Moms who have no choice.

Kat Smith
on February 12, 2014 at 9:47 am said:

GeesJohn you sound like youre not loved enough hunnie. You married? Kids? If
its a yes..then good luck to the wife and kids sounds like she needs it. Other wise
you have no idea and have more than proved it with your stupid comments!! Im a
mum and i work and love everything to do with both because i love my job and my
time with my baby. I feel super human for coping with both with a smile. We are
super women we can do it all wash your socks and hold a crying baby AT THE
SAME TIME.multitasking is proving not to be stong attribute to the male species.
All you men can cope with is work and a hissy fit if you dont get a pint!! Jog on!!!!!

NurseMeg
on February 12, 2014 at 9:51 am said:

As a nurse who went back to work after my husband got laid off (twins were 7 years
old), THANK YOU for the letter to working moms. I needed that!

Katie
on February 12, 2014 at 10:23 am said:

To Others Below Who Made Comments of Sexism:

Did you know that there are still millions of jobs that still pay women less for the same
position as a man? Being a stay at home parent is hard, regardless of gender. Being
a CEO is hard regardless of gender. I dont believe this blog was written to pat
themselves on the back I believe it was written to acknowledge that as a stay at

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home parent or a working parent, it is a struggle. I come from a two income

household and would love to be a SAHM, but financially that is not possible. And
guess what else? Im not uneducated and, in fact, both my husband and I have a
degree. So before you start that there, check yourself. I struggle everyday with
leaving my children and admire those parents who can stay home. Women bare
children, women have different instincts a man can never understand, we experience
birth and pregnancy completely different than a man. So leaving our children at home
all day or in a school or daycare, is a different emotional struggle for us. For you sir,
to judge how we feel as a stay at home mom and to say so much that we disregard
our partners or those fellow stay at home dads is self righteous. Youre not better
than a woman because you do whats perceived to be a womans job. Did you
sprain a vertebrae reaching so far to pat yourself on your back?
This blog was beautiful and brought me to tears, whether youre woman or man
youre stay at home job is admired by me. And you are a wonder-parent!

Sandra B.
on February 12, 2014 at 10:24 am said:

This is incredibly annoying. I work some days and stay at home others, depending on
my work schedule. Just as a previous poster has said, this is also extremely difficult.
This is not a letter about empathy because the letter from the SAHM presumes that
working mothers always choose to be working mothers. It often is a choice between
being able to pay the bills and staying at home not a real choice. Life is hard
whether you are a SAHM or a struggling college student with no children there are
just different challenges. People need to stop assuming that if someone else is
having a difficult time, that is diminishes the validity of their struggles. If you really
want to be empathetic, treat people with kindness all the time because you never
know what they are going through.

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Jacqueline Lowe
on February 12, 2014 at 10:29 am said:

If only we could respect each others choices and not judge each other! My decision
to be a working mum has been challenged I have been weighed and measured and
found wanting by a great many other women nobody I value the opinion of
fortunately.
I know what I have sacrificed in order to provide security for my family there needs
to be compromise we cant have it all.
John makes a good point it is exactly the same thing the working dad sacrifices.
We are not different species simply different gender!

laurie
on February 12, 2014 at 10:31 am said:

John is clearly here to be a troll; his adage there is so typical did you copy and
paste that from the hordes of other threads I get to complain about my parenting
because I do. If you dont want to hear about, why the fuck are you trolling around
articles about people talking about their experience with parenting. You are ignorant
of the battle here and why, although I feel some of the wording a bit trite, it is
something women need to discuss. So, please, piss off and troll a thread you have
knowledge about the topic.

Joshua Davis
on February 12, 2014 at 11:01 am said:

The thing that stood out to me most about this was the nature of the jobs that you
attributed to working moms.
I see you everywhere. You are the doctor I take my children to when they are sick.
Youre my childs allergist, the one who diagnosed her peanut allergy. Youre the
physiotherapist who treated my husbands back. Youre the accountant who does our
tax returns. My sons primary school teacher. The director of our childcare centre. My
daughters gymnastics teacher. The real estate agent who sold our house.
How about factory worker? Fast food worker? Cashier? Waitress? Thats the reality,
and its even harsher.

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Emily Kallio
on February 12, 2014 at 11:15 am said:

Thank you for writing this! I so appreciated the balance and compassion in this
post. both letters brought me to tears!

Laura
on February 12, 2014 at 11:27 am said:

I liked the letters and agree with them. What I dont agree with is that being a Mum is
a job. It is actually a relationship. Same as a Father, Grandparent etc. We all have
different responsibilities in life and within that relationship and that is where women
who work or SAH differ but their title and relationship with their child is the same.
They are Mothers.

Julie Munn
on February 12, 2014 at 11:32 am said:

what about the mom like I was, that worked all day taking care of a one year old and
newborn twins, gardening canning cooking cleaning nursing planning dinner ironing,
and when my husband cold then from his day at work, I pulled out and worked until 2
in the morning, only to come home wired up and unable to sleep, to get up at 5:30
a.m., and start all over again. What about me the stay at home and go to work mom?

KarenChamp2000@Yahoo.com
on February 12, 2014 at 11:35 am said:

Just a mention to the moms who stayed at home for years to care for their family
maybe they gave up a career like I did to devote all their time to their family. Daddy
had a good job and travel the globe coming home to a home filled with happy kids
dinner on the table and clean shorts in his drawer. UNTIL daddy decided to quit
and refuse to support mommy and kids. Now all the years mommy spent at home
and her age now block her from the workplace. Kids are still not grown. Mommy is
thrown on the side of the road left to fight the Court system. My point: deciding to
stay home with kids or work involves other long term issues that mommy may not
fully appreciate she is giving up. Of course daddy would add in he didnt know how

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much this whole life was going to cost. Those cute little babies take a lot of money
and time to raise. It is not an easy choice one way or another but mommy usually
has the most at risk.

Lindsay
on February 12, 2014 at 11:41 am said:

This is a great read. I was a working mom and then decided to quit and become a
Work at home mom. I took control of my own schedule and work it around my kids
schedule. I get to pick them up every day from school, yes I cook and clean and do
homework but I also get to financially help as well. It is the best of both worlds.
Thanks for sharing.

Jennifer letzer
on February 12, 2014 at 11:46 am said:

Lets give some credit to fathers too. When both parents work, both continue their
second shifts at home too. My husband cooks dinner every night and goes grocery
shopping and pays the bills. He takes the kids and picks them up from daycare so
that I can commute 100 miles to and from work each day, attend meetings and make
my deadlines to collect a paycheck to pay for our family. I cherish the last two hours
of bathing and bedtime stories that I get with my kids each night and the moments of
sleepless nights where they crawl into my bed for a snuggle. Loved the letters just
think working fathers deserve more credit.

Jackie
on February 12, 2014 at 11:50 am said:

Ive been both a working mom and SAHM, and I loved reading it from both
perspectives! I found myself smiling and nodding through both letters.
As for John if your opinion or prejudice is so strong, perhaps you should start a
blog and find a voice for it. Otherwise, stop trolling other peoples blogs and acting
like a creep. Negativity will only get you so far dude. No one has respect for someone
who clearly has no respect for others, women or men.

Amy

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on February 12, 2014 at 11:55 am said:

Im a former working, current stay-at-home mom who is struggling with guilt over
wanting to go back to work. I wrote a blog post about it yesterday, and a friend of
mine shared your post with me in her comments. I cant tell you how beautiful and
encouraging these letters are. I got choked up reading both of them. All moms all
parents deserve love, respect and support. Thank you so much.

Laura
on February 12, 2014 at 12:08 pm said:

Im a full time working mum. I have that going to work guilt every time I leave the
house at 7am and return back home at 7.30pm and dont see my son at all on a
working day but the fact is, I didnt weigh up anything before going back to work, I
simply didnt have a choice. I didnt choose my career over staying at home, I just
have bills to pay. Id love to be a SAHM but unfortunately I dont have that luxury. If
only Id even wear the frilly dresses and bake! Sadly, I just have to get on with it.

vicki
on February 12, 2014 at 12:18 pm said:

I have been both a SAHM and a working mother. I think women who obsess over this
issue have no other life, either way, and are using their kids to define who they are,
which is a really easy trap to fall into. I work full-time and I am not some harried
woman desperately eating my lunch at my desk and skipping coffee breaks. I have
my own life, and I did when I was a SAHM mom too. Kids are only young for a few
years and then its full-time school, so I think its a waste of time to worry about this.
Its part of the package of having children, Im sure we all knew that when we got
ourselves into this. I have no guilt for having worked when they were little and
enjoyed my time home with them. I dont relate to either of these posts.

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admin
on February 12, 2014 at 12:36 pm said:

You were raised in a different family for sure Mike, I have commented before that
men are doing more than ever before but women still do the majority of domestic
labour and, from the comments of msny on this blog, are still expected to. Well done
for making the domestic division of labour equal in your house.

admin
on February 12, 2014 at 12:38 pm said:

Ooh wow! Wrong about that. Full time working/studying mum here.

Lelia Schott
on February 12, 2014 at 12:49 pm said:

Excellent
I love the sincere empathy
Thank you
Sharing on Synergy: gentle parenting resources to encourage women there too xx

Jennifer-Mommy Life After Ph.D.

on February 12, 2014 at 12:57 pm said:

Ive been on both sides of this, as a student/instructor at a University earning my

advanced degrees, and now as an SAHM to four kids five and under. There is so
much joy on both sides!!!

Ali
on February 12, 2014 at 1:24 pm said:

Omg to they guy lifting boxes. And do you have anyone screaming for you when you
do this? And are you constantly interrupted? And do you have to worry about what
your children are getting into while you do this? And do you get a lunch break? And
when you do, do you get to sit down and enjoy your meal before someone asks you

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for something else. Can you eat your meal without worrying about choking because
before you can swallow you have to give another instruction. Can you go to the
bathroom in peace or do you have to bring your toddler with you for fear that he
might get int dangerous situation in time it took you to pee. I can go on and on but I
just dont have the time. In the time it took me to write this post I was interrupted 6
times!

Jeremy Rodden
on February 12, 2014 at 1:29 pm said:

I really like the first letter but the second letter seems like it is written to not just a
working mom but a working, single mom.
Neither one of these letters address the fact that either of these moms might actually
have a partner to lean on

anonymous
on February 12, 2014 at 2:04 pm said:

Wow, how about those of us who CHOOSE to work. I dont have to work. My
husband makes plenty enough for all of us. I work because I value my career, and
honestly, I am better at my career than I am at being a mother. I LOVE my children, I
cherish them, I take wonderful care of them, spend every second of time in the
evenings and weekend with them. But their daycare provides them with the attention
and education that I would never be able to provide. For my own sanity and
emotional well being, I choose to work instead of be a stay at home mom. Everyone
just needs to live their life and stop worrying about what anyone else is doing with
theirs. Geez.

Angela
on February 12, 2014 at 2:33 pm said:

This brought tears to my eyes!! I have been a SAHM and a WAHM and know how
hard both are. Many hugs for all moms and dads out there!!!

SAHM

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on February 12, 2014 at 2:44 pm said:

Just WOW, to all of you who have the audacity to bitch that this letter was not
directed at your specific situation. Seriously, Grow up and enjoy it for what it is, stop
purposefully missing the point and trying to make it about you.

Vanessa (Hey Lady Grey)

on February 12, 2014 at 2:46 pm said:

I loved this! Beautifully written. I am also a working mother (a family doctor), and this
really touched my heart. xo

Comments are closed.

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