The Art of Conversation 11/18/10 8:16 PM

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The Art of Conversation in Brief

1. Don't talk too long without pausing for a reaction. More
than a minute is usually too long. Forty seconds is ideal.

2. Never contradict or flatly disagree with the other person.

It's an implied insult.

3. Don't be too forceful or emphatic in stating your opinions

until you learn the other person's attitude.

4. Give the other person intellectual freedom and

cooperation, and claim them for yourself.

Notes from The Art of Conversation

by Milton Wright, 1936
The ability to talk well can be cultivated.

Interest you must have if your conversation is to be

successful.

Interest can lie primarily in the subject or the person, the

latter being by far the surer ingredient for success.

To chatter is easy. To talk resultfully with the hostile,

suspicious, indifferent or even friendly is an art.

To really become a good conversationalist over the long

term it is necessary to acquire the habit of conscientiously
stocking your mind with facts and information and then
forming opinions on the basis of that knowledge.

A monologue is not a conversation.

Silence plays an important part in effective conversation just

as it does in music.

Masters of the art of conversation rarely give advice, and

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then, usually, only when requested. It is given tentatively

and without seeming to impose their wishes.

The secret of giving advice successfully is to mix it up with

something that implies a real consciousness of the adviser's
own defects, and as much as possible of an acknowledgment
of the other party's merits.

To plant a suggestion is a real test of conversational skill.

Types of Conversation &

The Role of Instinct
Conversation is of two basic types:
Conversation for its own sake
Conversation for some other purpose

Politicians, preachers, salesmen, lobbyists, etc. practise the

latter.

Conversation for its own sake has two distinct aims:

Companionship
The exchange of ideas

Four instincts may always be appealed to in conversation:

Attraction
Self-assertion
Pugnacity
Curiosity

Three instincts may sometimes be appealed to:

Sex
Art
Acquisition

The sex, artistic and acquisitive instincts may be appealed to

with some people, but not with others. Moreover, more
discretion is required in tapping these instincts if they are to
produce good conversation.

A mutual dislike stimulates conversation. It is easy to

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stimulate most people to talk if you can find their pet peeve.
Beware of doing this unless you share their viewpoint.

Perhaps the strongest instinct is parental affection. Talk to

someone (especially a woman) about their children and they
are deeply interested.

The instincts which must always be avoided are:

Repulsion
Self-abasement
Fear

Contrary to popular impression, flattery is not something to

be generally condemned. It provides a very proper stimulus
to the self-assertive instinct and thus promotes the
interchange of information and ideas.

Flattery must be sincere. Usually it should be implied rather

than expressed. When it is insincere or overdone, however, it
may cause more harm than good.

People like to acquire information, but they prefer to impart

it. Best of all they like to be asked their opinion because you
pay them a higher compliment by asking what they think
than by asking what they know. It is far better to ask a
racing enthusiast who will win the Kentucky Derby this year
than who won it last.

When asking for someone for information or their opinion

be careful not to arouse self-abasement by exposing their
ignorance or strutting your own knowledge.

The instinct of pugnacity may be appealed to by challenging

someone with a statement with which they cannot wholly
agree.

Curiosity may be appealed to by provoking someone to

question, wonder, or speculate. Perhaps this is conversation
at its highest and most rewarding.

One-on-one Conversation

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One-on-one conversation is easier than group conversation,

but provides greater latitude for making mistakes.

In one-on-one conversation there are two subconscious

aims:
To get to know the other person
To reveal yourself

Generally these aims should not be aimed at directly.

Attitudes to cultivate in dialogue are:

Interest in the person
Interest in the subject
Friendliness
Sincerity
Candour
Helpfulness

People who are uncomfortable in themselves are

disagreeable to others.
William Hazlitt
People like those who:
Like them
Appreciate them
Admire them
Like the same things as they do
Are the same kind of people they are (usually)
Are helpful

If you do not fit into one or more of these categories, DO

NOT attempt to be friends.

According to a study the average American male is

interested in job, home, politics, recreation, health, current
events in that order. Note that four of the six topics,
including the first two, are personal.

Complete self-confidence often engenders antagonism in

conversation. According to Nietzsche, `If you wish to
prepossess one in your favour, you must be embarrassed
before him.'

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In dialogue conversation should usually not be brilliant or

scintillating.

In dialogue about half your time should be spent listening

unless it is clear that the other person wishes you to talk
more. The advantages of listening are:
You conceal your own weakness.
You learn the other person's attitude.
You give the other person enjoyment.
You store up emphasis for the statement you
eventually make.

In times of trouble a sympathetic ear is more valuable to

most people than anything that can be said to them.

While conversation should generally attempt to remove

barriers there are some barriers that cannot be removed and
no attempt should be made to do so. Such barriers are:
Age
Sex
Experience
Superiority
Inferiority

It is easier to talk with an inferior than with a superior, but it

is not easier to talk well.

Conversation Between the Sexes

Sex is always in the background of any conversation
between a man and a woman, and if there is no attraction
there is often antagonism.

The object of a conversation between the sexes is to increase

the other's pleasant emotions.

A line or opening gambit may be adopted in conversation if

you are slow in thinking of something appropriate to say.
Benvenuto Cellini's line for the young women of Florence
was, `I would swim through rivers of blood to come to you,
even though it were but to die at your feet.' The dangers of
using a line are:
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Overworking it
Repeating it in the presence of the same persons
Relying on it to the detriment of spontaneity

Many men enjoy conversation if the woman is an

appreciative audience. Some women like this role, others
pretend to like it, a few are openly bored.

Women like to be courted. According to Hazlitt:

Gallantry to women—the sure road to their favour—
is nothing but the appearance of extreme devotion to
all their wants and wishes, a delight in their
satisfaction, and a confidence in yourself, as being
able to contribute towards it. The slightest
indifference with regard to them, or distrust of
yourself, are equally fatal.

Generally speaking women are better at conversation than

men. They think faster but not necessarily so thoroughly.
Women are inclined to flit, men to plod.

Women are intuitive rather than analytical. It takes a man to

be brilliant at chess, math, legal briefs, unless a woman has
a man's mind. But intuition is a higher form of reasoning,
albeit unconscious, and is likely to be freer of error.

Women are more personal in their thinking. If women start

talking about things they will soon be talking about people.
Men can talk about people in general, women must talk
about people in particular, especially people in relation to
themselves.

Other differences, by no means universal, are: Men are more

whimsical and have a better sense of humour but women are
quicker witted. Men are more sentimental but women's
emotions run deeper. Women are more reckless, but men are
better losers. Women are more observant and can detect the
least trace of dishonesty in men. Women are more sensitive
to subtle stimuli and are better actors than men.

There are no noticeable differences between men and

women as regards:

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Love of gossip
Vanity
Avarice
Ambition
Moral standards

Because men are reluctant to allow women to compete with

them on an equal footing, women have had to work with
people instead of things to accomplish their ends. Hence
their alertness and skill in conversation.

General Conversation
The main purpose of general conversation is to entertain.

General conversation should conform to the following

principles:
The topic must be of general interest.
Each person must do his share AND NO MORE.
There should be no periods of silence.
No topic should be dragged out.
The tone should be kept good-natured.
No one should be offended by anything said.

The famous seventeenth century Literary Club of Samuel

Johnson, Edmund Burke, Sir Joshua Reynolds, Oliver
Goldsmith, David Garrick et al. met at a tavern at 7:00 P.M.
every evening (later every week and then every two weeks)
and talked into the small hours. They recognized that all
members (limited to nine) must be congenial and a
unanimous vote was necessary for the election of a new
member.

In general conversation alcoholic refreshment has

historically been considered important.

To make a practice of advancing propositions and then

proving them conclusively is fatal to conversation. To insist
on always being right subjects listeners to the emotion of
self-abasement. Conversation is neither a lecture, a sermon,
nor a debate.

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If you have nothing to say on the topic under discussion, say

nothing. According to Voltaire, `One always sounds foolish
when one has nothing to say.'

Attempting to steer the conversation round to your pet

subjects will engender resentment in your listeners.

Sometimes when you find yourself with nothing to

contribute to a general conversation you may feel
uncomfortable and inadequate. The impulse to get rid of the
feeling by saying something is best resisted.

To stay on topic is not enough. One must stay in tune with

the conversation. Otherwise one's remarks will grate on the
rest of the company.

To talk shop in the presence of someone to whom such talk

is foreign is extreme discourtesy.

Many cannot keep their emotions from rising when

discussing certain subjects. If that emotion comes out in a
negative way then the subject must be changed.

The only safe course in unfamiliar company is neither to be

severely critical of anyone, nor to suggest circumstances
about which people are likely to be touchy.

In general conversation, especially, there is no place for

mockery, belittlement, or flat contradiction. Sarcasm is worst
of all because sarcasm implies contempt. It is an insult, and
insults are things to be resented.

Rarely insist on logic because:

The best topics of conversation don't readily lend
themselves to logical treatment.
Few people master logic or listen attentively to logical
argument.
Many people like their beliefs, opinions and
prejudices more than they like logic.

Only a few people would sooner listen than speak. Hence

Sydney Smith's motto, `Take as many half-minutes as you

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can get, but never more than a half- minute without pausing
to give others an opportunity to strike in.'

Anecdotes
Discussion of abstractions becomes wearisome unless
relieved by stories or anecdotes. They must be interesting,
relevant, pointed and, in general conversation, usually short.

A story must not only be on the subject under discussion but

in tune with the discussion. No one should be justified in
saying `So what?'

A story must proceed by a series of hops, skips and jumps.

The speaker should enjoy the emotions of the story (dead
pan humour is overrated) without letting his story get the
better of him.

The Uses of Argument

Argument can be a tonic to conversation, but it must be in
good humour.

Success in argument or debate and success in conversation

are often mutually incompatible goals.

For example, clarity and persistence often win arguments

though they have nothing to do with logic or fairness of
mind.

Again, honesty in thinking is often less effective in argument

than sincerity which is blind to any merit in an opposing
viewpoint. Taking advantage of this fact will certainly cause
conversation to suffer.

Again, it's easier to prove someone wrong than to prove

yourself right and therefore it is good debating tactics to
attempt the former. If congenial conversation is your aim
forget about debating tactics.

Using statistics to prove or strengthen one's case should be

avoided whenever possible. Most people distrust statistics.

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The phrase, `There are lies, there are damn lies and there are
statistics,' has come into common usage with good reason.

To argue in conversation one must have complete control of

one's emotions. Moreover one should always leave an
opponent a means of retreat and sometimes even
intentionally lose an argument.

If you concede a point to the other person he will be inclined

to concede a point to you. A conciliatory attitude in
admitting the truth of a statement will place him under an
obligation to be conciliatory too.

The purpose of argument in conversation is agreement

because agreement promotes harmony. By contrast,
disagreement breeds disharmony and often antagonism.
These are facts that are lost on many people.

Even if agreement on the point at issue is impossible one

should at least try to agree with the person.

Concluding Remarks
No quality is so conducive to pleasure in conversation as
tact. The elements that make up tact are alertness, sympathy,
and resourcefulness. Without tact a person, however witty,
learned or sincere, is a menace to themselves and others
whenever they engage in conversation.

While one fault will make a person a bad conversationalist,

one virtue will not make him a good one. He must possess
many qualities, some of them having to do with character,
some with intellect, and some with temperament.

The ideal conversationalist is:

Well-informed
Sympathetic
Interested in life
Has a sense of the dramatic
Moderate
Can draw out the other person
Attentive

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Always in good humour

Has a sense of proportion
Doesn't preach
Doesn't take himself too seriously
Not argumentative
Original
Broad-minded
Charitable
Unselfish
Considerate
Flexible
Poised
Enthusiastic
A trifle whimsical

If you find the world dull, the chances are that your
companions will find you dull.

Everyone's emotion of elation is waiting for a chance to

assert itself. Give it every opportunity.

The good conversationalist should seldom preach or give

advice. He should not dwell on moral issues or take the
attitude of teaching his listeners. However instructive,
eloquent and even interesting he may be the result is not
conversation.

Even if you have a wholly unselfish desire to reform your

listeners, it is well to realize that they won't like it.

Desire only to please the people with whom you are talking
and you will infallibly do so.

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