My Feudal Lord

This world to me a playground, Where games of love and hate Are played by little children, To rules carved out of fate.
Mirza Ghalib

The book I choose for my essay is "My Feudal Lord" by Tehmina Durrani, wife of Malik Ghulam Mustafa Khar who is a prominent politician in Pakistan. The book is her autobiography, about her struggle for freedom from an oppressive and abusive husband. It is the story of a woman who changed herself, and tried to change her husband to save their marriage, but her efforts proved fruitless. The feudal system taught her a tough lesson: if you are a woman, then be one. The book talks about many important issues. To quote the author herself, the book is about ".our (Pakistani) politics, our leadership, their values, their mentalities, their Islamic principles and their views on women (page 365)." There are two specific issues I would like to tackle. The first is about domestic violence. I shall try to show how the author was severely abused by her husband, what her responses were and how, in my opinion, we can eliminate this vicious crime against women. The other matter of concern I would really like to talk about is the treat of women in Pakistan by culture in general and by the feudal system in particular. This issue is of great importance as the two elements determine the life of women. In addition, both of these issues are very closely tied together. The book opens up by talking about the great leader Mustafa Khar, the authors husband. Although it is not in chronological order, I shall recollect the events in that order because only then can one truly understand the life of Tehmina Durrani. She was born in a well-educated and elite family. On the outskirts, it was a model family. But deep inside, it was an institution run by her dominating mother. She disliked Tehmina Durrani. If it wasnt for her grandmother, Tehmina Durrani could not have survived the trials and tribulations of life. As a child she was extremely naughty and always happy. Her mothers favorite was the youngest sister Adila. Tehmina Durrani met her first husband at a wedding when she was just 17. They fell in love and got married. But it soon became a bland relationship. She was introduced to her second

husband Mustafa Khar at a party. He was "Sher-e-Punjab", the lion of Punjab (Pakistans central most heavily populated province). Although he was married to another woman Shaharzad, he had an affair with her. It soon became public and Tehmina Durrani was divorced. She sought peace in religion and realized that in order to lead a socially acceptable life, she must marry Mustafa Khar. He proposed and they secretly married. It was his 4th and her 2nd marriage. After some time, Shaharzad found out and accepted Tehmina Durrani as her husbands wife. It was there that she saw the true side of Mustafa Khar: a violent husband and a womanizer. He divorced Shaharzad. Khar ruled the house like a tyrant and his fists did the talking. Due to political unrest in the country, he was arrested, but later fled the country. Tehmina Durrani was then the mother of a child, Naseeba. They landed in London almost broke. During the next 8 years, they changed residence (while in exile) with respect to their status in the British society. Khar had an affair with Tehmina Durrani youngest sister Adila. The abuse continued. She tried to commit suicide but failed. She tried to change herself, she tried to change him, but nothing happened. They had 3 children. At first, she accepted the torture, then acknowledged it physically only, and finally she rebelled. Both parties did the beating now. She even developed courage to publicly identify her bruises as a result of his beatings. He was also responsible for statutory rape. She left but returned on her terms. The second time she left, she was wise enough to get legal separation. But Khar abducted the children and forced her to comeback. She launched a campaign against him but it failed; she felt powerless against the lion of Punjab. But Khar realized that his wife was no longer in love with him. All this took place in the backdrop of political turmoil in Pakistan, as well as one for Pakistanis in UK. They returned to Pakistan, where he was jailed on the charges of a coup against the government. Thus began the 11 year struggle to free him from prison. She left Khar for the third time, but returned after identifying herself with his mission. The battle for his release won her public acceptance. Although there were countless obstacles in her way, she toppled them all with the help of friends and the people of Pakistan, especially Punjab. She recollects the determination of Khar during his prison days. She felt relived of a burden when he was released. But the Khar she had dreaded soon emerged from the shadows. Jealous of her newly acquired fame and subsequent power, he resumed his affair with Adila. Finally, Tehmina Durrani left Khar for the fourth and last time. But no one helped her, save a few friends; no one wanted the wrath of the Sher-e-Punjab. Khar tried to get her back but failed. During their daughters birthday, he managed to lock her in a room. When she retaliated, he abused her again. Her father found out and ordered him to release her. He obeyed. He finally divorced her penniless. She regained some of her property by using a legal technicality. When Khar was getting married for the 6th time, Tehmina Durrani decided to "cast a stone at the hypocrisy that is endemic because of [womens] silence." She sat down and wrote. The account of domestic violence in the book comes as a surprise to me not because it was happened, but because it happened within such an educated and elite family. Khar was the

bread of the feudal system where women are no more then mere material objects. There are many reasons for that school of thought. The important ones are lack of education, the cultural values, and finally, ones family upbringing and personality. Khar was a man obsessed with power; that power had to be practiced to confirm its existence. The safest domain was his own home, where no one dared to questioned his authority. He would beat up the servants if the food was not hot enough, his wife if she was late after his first call, and his children if they threw a tantrum. The author suffered very badly on the hands of her husband and she had no one to turn to. I felt very bad for her, and had sympathy for her. I was also very angry with her husband Mustafa Khar. I hate the idea of one partner dominating the manner in such a violent manner. Sadly, this attitude of dominance is part of our culture in Pakistan. Although Islam places women in very high esteem, the time Muslims spent with the Hindus during the British Rule of India severely affected and negatively altered our culture. Along with these degrading views, it brought in dowry and class to our culture. This behavior is not limited to Pakistan though. Domestic violence is probably one of the worst cultural universals. If people would realize the sanctity of the institution of marriage, it would really be bliss. A successful marriage is the true mingling of two people (two families in a collective society like that of Pakistan): happiness is gained but a lot needs to be sacrificed if this contract is to last a lifetime. If one partner feels any negative emotions, they should be expressed. It is best to keep all lines of communication open at all times. One must also not forget non-verbal elements such as body language. Often, it is not what we say that hurts others; it is how we say it. I believe that you should not sleep with any negative feelings in your heart. The events of Tehmina Durranis life only confirms, but to a much worse degree, what we talked in class and read about family violence, especially spousal abuse. It is one of the most potential threat(s?) to the survival of mankind. In Pakistan, the violence can over spill in the form of family feuds. In my view, the best way to combat against this violence is for the battered to take stand and for the society to support him or her. Society as a whole resents such violence. Another important thing we need to do is educate ourselves more about the needs and desires of our partners in the family context. Only through good understanding can we eliminate this immoral behavior. The second issue I would like to touch upon is how women are treated in Pakistan. This behavior has its roots in history. There was a time when society considered the birth of a girl a crime by her mother. The signs of this treatment are felt in an Eastern expression, "You are a true father only when you have a daughter." Instead of considering her a blessing from God just like boys, she is considered a burden the father has to carry for the rest of his life, even after she is married.

If a girl is born in poverty, she is destined to become a servant one day, that of her mother or her husband. In educated households, girls are better off but never considered equal to boys. Therefore, the treatment they receive is often unfair: they rarely have the same opportunities when it comes to education, employment or marriage. In the rural areas of Pakistan, where the feudal system still prevails, this situation is ten times worse. Even educated feudal lords do not allow education to enter the flourishing minds of their daughters for fear of rebellion, or the nourishment of new, threatening ideas. They are not allowed to express their feelings or leave the walls of their homes. As a result, they rarely develop complete personalities or individual identities. The lords treat village women with contempt. They are taught about male dominance from their birth. They are not to leave the side of their husband except when he is in a coffin. Even then, widows are not respected by the society. Contrary to the popular belief, another type of feudal lord exists. He is an honest, caring and loving man. His family is respected for its dignity, not its fear. He hold liberal views, therefore he tries to provide equal opportunities to all his people. This is the model other lords should adopt. Sadly, he is on the list of endangered species. If only other lords would realize that people in villages are educated now. They respect when respected. They would make a very positive impact on the culture if they changed for the good. The common mans izaat (respect) would be safe and he would be happy to serve his so-called masters. The oppressors must remember that this domination will not last forever. Rebellion is second nature to the oppressed. Although might crush it, it is contagious. My advice would be to educate our people not only in the dealings of the world, but that of our great religion Islam too. Islam talks in great detail about how we should treat women with utmost respect. We must learn from our past experiences as well as Islam so that we can improve ourselves. The book "My Feudal Lord" is a milestone for the cause of women in Pakistan. It should be recognized as a stepping stone for building a better society for women, who are our mothers, sisters, wives and daughters. If these women practice patience, this should not lead to their exploitation. To quote Asma Jhangir form the Forward of the book, "Freedom of expression is guaranteed by law to all yet traditions and customs conspire to silence them (iii)." The book has made me think long and hard why Tehmina Durrani was the victim. I would never allow mistrust to exist in my relationship with my wife: life has taught me important lessons not to be forgotten. The book confirms these lessons. I respect women and would love my wife beyond the shadow of a doubt. I feel that if true love exists, my wife would never become my victim or I the victim of the male-dominated society. I hope that you too can share these feelings with me.