1

Murt Schnd
..........
A Collection oI Jokes - Volome 1
Contuins Iive Hondred (=oo) Jokes
2
Aboot This ocoment

A CoIIecLIon oI Jokes - VoIume 1 conLuIns =oo jokes wIIcI were coIIecLed Irom vurIous sources oI LIe InLerneL.
TIe nexL voIume wIII be reIeused In LIe neur IuLure. TIIs documenL Is Iree-oI-cIurge. TIIs documenL Is
uvuIIubIe In porLubIe documenL IormuL (.pdI). or prInLed versIons pIeuse conLucL me.

ownloud the Next Volome

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Leuul Notice und Terms oI Aureement

A CoIIecLIon oI Jokes - VoIume 1 conLuIns =oo, wIIcI LIe uuLIor Ius coIIecLed Irom vurIous sources oI LIe
InLerneL. WIIIe uLLempLs Iuve been mude Lo verIIv InIormuLIon In LIIs pubIIcuLIon, neILIer LIe uuLIor nor LIe
pubIIsIer ussumes unv responsIbIIILv Ior errors, omIssIons, InLerpreLuLIon or usuge oI LIe subjecL muLLer
IereIn. TIe conLenLs In LIIs pubIIcuLIon ure InLended Ior InIormuLIonuI purposes onIv. TIe uuLIor und
pubIIsIer sIuII In no evenL be IeId IIubIe Ior unv Ioss or oLIer dumuges Incurred Irom LIe usuge oI LIIs
pubIIcuLIon. TIe uuLIor und pubIIsIer reserve LIe rIgIL Lo LermInuLe LIIs pubIIcuLIon uL unvLIme, wILIouL
wurnIng, und ure noL responsIbIe Ior unv resuILs IorLIcomIng Irom suId LermInuLIon. urLIermore LIe uuLIor
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ResuILs vurv bv user. Bv usIng LIe A CoIIecLIon oI Jokes - VoIume 1, vou ugree Lo LIIs IeguI noLIce und Lerms oI
ugreemenL.

MurL ScInd.
TIursduv, November 18, zooq
3
Tuble oI Contents

1. Suy Whut? 1
. Adventores oI the Ilderly 1
. Muy I tuke yoor order...? 1
A. Welcome to the Reul World 1
=. Three beIore God 1
6. Verticully Chullenued Homor 1A
. The Homeless Mun 1A
S. Mentul Heulth 1A
n. Tuke the Bill 1A
1o. Bourd Meetinu 1A
11. The Moon 1=
1. BoIIet Is the Wuy 1=
1. Munuuers und Inuineers 1=
1A. Yoo ronken Swine! 1=
1=. Mommy's Little Anuel 1=
16. Souuestion Box 1=
1. Pickinu op the Bill 1=
1S. Sqoirms oI Indeurment 16
1n. A Misonderstundinu 16
o. A Bondle oI Ineruy? 16
1. It's u ou's LiIe 16
. A Reul Ronwuy Model 16
. Rudur Oh Reully 16
A. Pictore PerIect Crime 16
=. Let There Be Liuht... 1
6. iuunosis 1
. Job Iuir 1
S. ivine Intervention? 1
n. New Bluck Box 1
o. river's Id Crush Coorse 1S
1. Internutionul Adoption 1S
. Wild Weddinu 1S
. GolI und Ioneruls 1S
A. Indinu the Aruoment 1S
=. Sopermurket Send OII 1S
6. New oel Roles 1n
. The ou und the Rubbit 1n
S. Wisenheimer 1n
n. The Chullenue 1n
Ao. Precocioos Purrots o
A1. ock Picnic o
A. Interview Qoestion o
A. Almost PerIect Sule o
AA. New Siunulmun o
A=. Jouule Oot OI u Ticket 1
A6. Suy Whut Yoo Meun 1
A. Tuintinu the Iumily Tree 1
AS. Lesson in Alcohol 1
An. Gusmen 1
=o. Luondry Impuired
4
=1. Texus Boots
=. Solvinu u Problem
=. Airplune!
=A. A-Peurl-Linu Behuvior
=6. Pitchinu u Temp
=. Inuine Trooble
=S. The Burber oI Ivil A
=n. Lnder Pressore A
6o. Rest in Peuce A
61. Ileu Murket A
6. eud Luwyer A
6. I Wooldn't Boy Thut Ior u ollur =
6A. Iool's Purudise =
6=. I'll boy thut Ior u ollur! =
66. NewlyIed Lp =
6. Smoke Alurm =
6S. Whut Time Is It? =
6n. The City Slicker 6
o. Stronu Mun 6
1. Pruise the Lord! 6
. Pills
. Goidunce
A. Corse
=. Reully Rotten Homor
6. Prove It
. Biu Spender S
S. Lesson to the Teucher S
n. The oors S
So. Husty OIIicer S
S1. Heuvenly Qoiz S
S. rink Lp n
S. Common Knowledue n
SA. Blond Louic n
S6. Phone Line n
S. Hobbyhorse n
SS. Strunded n
Sn. Chorch o
no. The GiIt o
n1. Wise Schoolteucher o
n. Pitcher o
n. Comu Revelution o
nA. Gourdiun Anuel 1
n=. Absentminded 1
n6. Model Imployees 1
n. Jimmy's Birthduy GiIt 1
nS. Sensory Assuolt
nn. The ShopliIter
1oo. Crime & Ponishment
1o1. Old Aue
1o. Bill Gutes
1o. Short Trip
1oA. Goess Who?
5
1o=. Heuvenly Home
1o6. esperute Pleu
1o. Clever ou
1oS. The Piu with the Wooden Leu
1on. entul Philosophy
11o. White Huir A
111. Live To Be A Hondred A
11. The Wronu Wuy A
11. Jost Keep rinkinu! A
11A. Iemule Bruin Cells A
11=. The Price oI Politics A
116. Iuther und Son Cumpinu Trip =
11. Pruyers =
11S. Shurinu =
11n. Ancient Coltores =
1o. IBI Auent Ior Hire =
11. Three Men 6
1. Bur Boddies 6
1. Where's Jesos? 6
1A. Pupul Reqoest 6
1=. Silent Breuk In
16. NASA Inuenoity
1. Intelliuence
1S. GolI GooI S
1n. Technicully Speukinu S
1o. Two Keys S
11. My Kind oI Writer S
1. Lunuouue Burrier S
1. The Story oI Iverybody n
1A. Skinny ippers n
1=. Irostruted GolIers n
16. Stewed Tomutoes n
1. Clever ou Numes n
1S. The Ilectric Chuir Ao
1n. Murried Ao
1Ao. Green Beuns Ao
1A1. The Sinule Goy Ao
1A. All Abourd Ao
1A. Blucksmith's Apprentice Ao
1AA. Visitinu Penuoins A1
1A=. Gone Iishinu A1
1A6. GiIt oI Gub A1
1A. How to Get To Heuven A1
1AS. Whut u Puin! A
1An. One Iool Iowl A
1=o. Time LeIt A
1=1. Biuuer Thinus to Worry Aboot A
1=. The Visit A
1=. The Mother-In-Luw Truuedy A
1=A. PurentJTeucher ConIerence A
1==. Secret to u Lonu Murriuue A
1=6. A Borst Pipe A
6
1=. Iiller Lp A
1=S. Joy Ride AA
1=n. Mother's uy AA
16o. Womun oI His reums AA
161. Bud Lundinu AA
16. Texun AA
16. Wish Iuiry A=
16A. Truin Tickets A=
16=. Iumoos Mun A=
166. Nice Try A6
16. Thut Soonds Pretty Iishy A6
16S. Wipe Oot A6
16n. Beur Iucts A6
1o. Newly-Murried A6
11. Bud uy ut Work A6
1. Who is Muryloo A6
1. My Hosbund Is u ReIriuerutor A
1A. God's Best Iriend A
1=. The Orduined Loun Shurk A
16. rinkinu u Toust A
1. Mom's Truin-inu Session A
1S. Ieelinu like A Million Tox AS
1n. Gruvity Ior ommies AS
1So. Her Relutionship Lucks Iire! AS
1S1. He Ilies With Bud Iyes! AS
1S. un's octor Visit An
1S. Cheqoe Thut Attitode ut the oor! An
1SA. The Key to Huppiness Is 'Plune' und Simple An
1S=. As Time Ilies By An
1S6. The Borulur An
1S. Mud Cow Indeed =o
1SS. Are Yoo Moses? =o
1Sn. Pundu with u Gon =o
1no. Bike Ride =o
1n1. Bribe und Groom =1
1n. Yoonu Buker =1
1n. A Iew Good Luwyers =1
1nA. The Job Interview =1
1n=. Jost u Kiss =
1n6. Is Thut Yoo're Iinul Answer? =
1n. Give Him u Triple =
1nS. Jodument uy =
1nn. Missinu WiIe =
oo. The Iurmer =
o1. Mud Cows =
o. Iirst Cluss Iliuht =
o. Messuue Irom Above =
oA. Good Service =A
o=. In The Wuitinu Room =A
o6. Bud Bos river =A
o. Compoter Irror =A
oS. Three ocks =A
7
on. Prood Mothers ==
1o. Tulk, Tulk ==
11. Ponny ==
1. Shurp Thinker ==
1. By Its Cover ==
1A. SuIuri So Goody ==
1=. Sonduy Sermon =6
16. Nuil Biter =6
1. Tomuto Iumily =6
1S. Little Goy =6
1n. Stund Lp =
o. Hulloween Homor =
1. The Grocery Store =
. Mexicun Smouuler =
. The Tooth Iuiry =S
A. The CliIIhunuer =S
=. Cureer Choice =S
6. on't Give Lp =S
. The Tule oI Jim und Idnu =S
S. LiIe Lessons =n
n. The Tuxi Ride =n
o. Green Side Lp! =n
1. em Bones =n
. Ilephunt Opinion =n
. LiIe Ixpluined 6o
A. A Testinu Qoestion 6o
=. Snow White's New Cumeru 6o
6. At The OIIice 61
. But 61
S. Iishinu Ior u Week 61
n. To conqoer or concor? Thut is the qoestion. 61
Ao. isurminu Suddum 61
A1. Inuineerinu in Hell 61
A. Who's the Boss 6
A. AIterliIe Anust 6
AA. God's Wutchinu 6
A=. Locky Irou 6
A6. Gone GolIinu 6
A. Smull Loun, Biu BeneIit 6
AS. Coontry Clob Lonch 6
An. Concept oI Murriuue 6A
=o. Meetinu oI The Minds 6A
=1. Two Lines, No Whininu 6A
=. Blonde Joke 6A
=. Juil 6A
=A. Oot with u Bunu 6A
==. The Six Puck 6A
=6. The Letter "P" 6=
=. Top Crime Iiuhters 6=
=S. No Muruin Ior Irror? 6=
=n. The Reverend 6=
6o. Home Sick Scot 66
8
61. The Clever Luwyer 66
6. Good Intentions 66
6. The Irou und the Prourummer 66
6A. Wull Street Mun 6
6=. The Good und the Bud 6
66. The Genie 6
6. Biu Trooble 6
6S. Veterinuriun 6
6n. Once Lpon u Time... 6S
o. Murriuue Mude In Heuven 6S
1. Lookinu Ior Help 6S
. A rinkin' Mun 6S
. Sportinu Chunce 6n
A. Smurt Plun 6n
=. Puy Attention 6n
6. Yieldinu Riuht OI Wuy 6n
. Cuotion! Beur Alert! 6n
S. Why God Loves Blondes o
n. Soper Grunny o
So. on't Muke Mistukes o
S1. Riuht Person Ior The Job o
S. Job Applicution o
S. QouliIied Position 1
SA. Grundmu's Sick 1
S=. Aoto Repuir 1
S6. Oot OI the Mooths oI Bubes 1
S. Blonde on the Son 1
SS. The Lie Clock 1
Sn. The HulI ollur
no. ronken Inuenoity
n1. New Bur
n. Sutun Stops By
n. Suy Yoor Pruyers
nA. Who Suid Rednecks Weren't Briuht
n=. All in A uy's Work
n6. Whule Tule
n. The Silent Treutment A
nS. The One-Wish Genie A
nn. New rinkinu Aue A
oo. Writinu with Imotionul Appeul A
o1. Lunuouue Lessons A
o. Cuveut Imptor A
o. The isuppeurinu Mun =
oA. At The Bur =
o=. Kneelinu Ior Pruyers =
o6. Good Qoestion =
o. Yoo Cun't Tuke It with Yoo =
oS. Oops! =
on. Muchine Competence 6
1o. Toouh Teucher 6
11. Tux Puyer ollurs ut Work 6
1. Redneck Wins the Lottery 6
9
1. Wutch ou 6
1A. Beut the Cusino 6
1=. uouhter's Pruyer 6
16. The President's Pozzle
1. Alexunder und Kermit
1S. RuIIle Prize
1n. Blonde Robbery
o. Opposite-Side Purkinu
1. The ock
. Stute "Cupituls" S
. Nutorul Selection S
A. The Old Mun und the Ponk Rocker S
=. The Philosophy oI Beer S
6. Muybe unother Time n
. A Little Seusick n
S. Slow Service n
n. Two Arubs ure Chuttinu n
o. The Accidentul I-muil So
1. This'll kill yoo So
. It's Not Ior Him, Stopid So
. Inuineer vs. Munuuement So
A. Weuther Wisdom So
=. The Jomper S1
6. Reul Men S1
. Blonde Ice Iishinu S1
S. Not Qoite u GiIt Horse S1
n. Missinu Persons Alert S1
Ao. Cur Trooble S
A1. Goormet Chicken Recipe S
A. Accidentul Homor S
A. NASA und the $1 million dollur qoestion S
AA. Nons vs. Iuns S
A=. Wutch Yoor Step S
A6. Bill Gutes und Generul Motors S
A. Sticker Shock S
AS. C.I.O = .L.M.B. S
An. Iusy Wuy Oot S
=o. Strunded S
=1. Second Child SA
=. WWJ SA
=. Hurried Hosbund SA
=A. Strunuer Thinus Huve Huppened SA
==. Lonu Tulk SA
=6. Weuvinu SA
=. Sund und Stone SA
=S. License To... S=
=n. One Heckovu Memory S=
6o. Help S=
61. The Price oI Love S=
6. Cookinu S6
6. GolI Qoestions S6
6A. Psychic S6
10
6=. Be Reul S6
66. Blond Solotion S6
6. Bosiness School Grudoute S6
6S. Good cheI! S
6n. Nupu Vulley Sonduy river S
o. The Lomberjuck... S
1. Buuuud News S
. Senioritis SS
. The Oldest ProIession SS
A. Groonds Ior ivorce SS
=. Soothern Sense SS
6. NASA's Messuue SS
. Vuriety Is the Spice oI LiIe Sn
S. yinu Reqoest Sn
n. Gutes ut the Gutes Sn
So. Never Lnderestimute the Power oI u Womun...u clussic Sn
S1. Whutever Yoo Like no
S. A CureIree rive no
S. Ilyinu Lessons no
SA. One oI LiIe's Iternul Qoestions no
S=. The Anury Cleruymun no
S6. The Priest und the Politiciun no
S. Whut Time Is It? n1
SS. Bobbu 1o1 n1
Sn. Jews n1
no. Shurk! n
n1. Word Oriuins n
n. Indiun Louic n
n. Coontry rive n
nA. Sospicioos Churucter n
n=. The Grievinu Blond n
n6. Blond Ambition n
n. Three Inuineers und u Iuolty Cur n
nS. Mozurt beyond the Gruve n
nn. No ReIonds n
Aoo. Iuir-Weuthered Ilock n
Ao1. The New Go-Ier n
Ao. irty Sermon? nA
Ao. A Tule oI Three Pius nA
AoA. inner with the Boss nA
Ao=. Borninu Bosh nA
Ao6. Pluyinu Roouh nA
Ao. The Speech n=
AoS. The Ilephunt Whisperer n=
Aon. Mutch Set n=
A1o. oll Shoppinu n=
A11. Churity n=
A1. The Mirror Knows All n6
A1. Smurt Purrot? n6
A1A. Seconds in u Yeur n6
A1=. Iishinu? n6
A16. Muunu Curtu n
11
A1. Not Lookinu Good n
A1S. Constroction Linuo n
A1n. This Blonde's No ommy n
Ao. Second Opinion n
A1. Locked Oot nS
A. The Looks oI Yoor WiIe nS
A. Wuterloo nS
AA. Luw Clerk nS
A=. Speciul GiIt nS
A6. Two Cunudiun Goys nS
A. It's All Aboot Perspective nn
AS. Swullowed u Pen nn
An. Lonu uy nn
Ao. See the octor nn
A1. Huircot nn
A. HelpIol Mom... nn
A. Iirst eul 1oo
AA. Adum und Ive 1oo
A=. Childbirth 1oo
A6. Whut uy Is It? 1oo
A. Lonch ute 1o1
AS. Reseurch Indicutes Women Tulk More 1o1
An. Yoor Torn 1o1
AAo. Commund 1o1
AA1. Busebull Heuven? 1o1
AA. ProoI Positive 1o
AA. New member 1o
AAA. Luck oI sleep 1o
AA=. SucriIice 1o
AA6. Iurmer 1o
AA. Thirsty 1o
AAS. Odd Iqoipment 1o
AAn. Moses on His Wulkie Tulkie 1o
A=o. Lovinu purents 1o
A=1. Groonds Ior ivorce 1oA
A=. Complex Sentence 1oA
A=. Buptism 1oA
A=A. Blonde OIIicer 1oA
A==. rivinu Home 1oA
A=6. Physicul Checkop 1oA
A=. Stressed 1o=
A=S. Voice-Activuted Cur Rudio 1o=
A=n. Reul Nume? 1o=
A6o. Orderinu drinks 1o=
A61. Tulkinu Irou 1o6
A6. Iqoul Opportonity 1o6
A6. Poblic Servunt 1o6
A6A. Lesson Leurned 1o6
A6=. Old West Purkinu 1o
A66. Huir Cot 1o
A6. Wulk on Wuter 1o
A6S. Bud Week 1o
12
A6n. Riuht On Red 1oS
Ao. At The Hotel 1oS
A1. OIIice Arithmetic: 1oS
A. Work Is u Ioor-Letter Word 1oS
A. She shoold huve seen it cominu 1on
AA. Bill und Hill's Anniversury 1on
A=. eIinition 1on
A6. Love Horts 1on
A. Juck uniels Q&A 11o
AS. Not the Shurpest Nuil in the Gon 11o
An. Bud GolIer 11o
ASo. Georue ut the Olympics 11o
AS1. Nuvy ConIerence 11o
AS. Secore Job 111
AS. New Sport? 111
ASA. A Iriend in Need 111
AS=. New Technolouy 111
AS6. Scientist Gets u Breuk 111
AS. The Pocket Wutch 11
ASS. Work Horse 11
ASn. Sonduy School Money 11
Ano. Internet Newbie 11
An1. Whut's LeIt Behind 11
An. Goodniuht 11
An. Blond Goy Joke 11
AnA. Girls 11
An=. Bitinu nuils 11
An6. Truvelinu Abroud 11
An. LiIe's Work 11
AnS. Contest 11
Ann. Cur Accident 11A
=oo. ThoouhtIol GiIt? 11A
1. Suy Whut?

A reuIIv Iuge muscuIur guv wILI u bud sLuLLer goes
Lo u counLer In u depL. sLore und usks - "W-w-w-
wIere's LIe m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-purLmenL?"

TIe cIerk beIInd LIe counLer jusL Iooks uL IIm und
suvs noLIIng.

TIe mun repeuLs IImseII: "W-w-w-wIere's LIe m-
m-m-men's dep-p-p-purLmenL?" AguIn, LIe cIerk
doesn'L unswer IIm.

TIe guv usks severuI more LImes: "W-w-w-wIere's
LIe m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-purLmenL?" And LIe
cIerk jusL seems Lo Ignore IIm. InuIIv, LIe guv Is
ungrv und sLorms oII.

TIe cusLomer wIo wus wuILIng In IIne beIInd LIe
guv usks LIe cIerk, "WIv wouIdn'L vou unswer LIuL
guv's quesLIon?"

TIe cIerk unswers, "D-d-d-do vou LI-LI-LI-LIInk
w-w-w-wunL Lo geL b-b-b-beuL up?!!"

. Adventores oI the Ilderly

An eIderIv womun remurked Lo u IrIend LIuL geLLIng
oIder Is un udvenLure, becuuse no muLLer wIuL
vou're doIng, IL uIwuvs seems IIke IL's LIe IIrsL LIme
vou dId IL.

Her IrIend suId, "TIuL's u greuL InsIgIL! wunL Lo
wrILe LIuL down."

TIe womun suId, "WIuL's LIuL?"

Her IrIend suId, "TIe IucL LIuL geLLIng oIder Is un
udvenLure, becuuse no muLLer wIuL vou're doIng, IL
uIwuvs seems IIke IL's LIe IIrsL LIme vou dId IL."
TIe womun suId, "OI LIuL Is u greuL InsIgIL! wunL
Lo wrILe IL down, Loo."

. Muy I tuke yoor order...?

A cusLomer wuIks InLo u resLuurunL und noLIces u
Iurge sIgn on LIe wuII:

$=oo WE A TO YOUR ORDER!

WIen IIs wuILress urrIves, Ie orders eIepIunL dung
on rve.
SIe cuImIv wrILes down IIs order und wuIks InLo LIe
kILcIen wIere uII IeII breuks Ioose!

AILer u Iew mInuLes oI commoLIon, LIe resLuurunL
owner comes sLormIng ouL oI LIe kILcIen. He runs
up Lo LIe cusLomer's LubIe, sIups IIve $1oo bIIIs
down on IL und suvs, "You goL me LIuL LIme buddv,
buL wunL vou Lo know LIuL's LIe IIrsL LIme In Len
veurs we've been ouL oI rve breud!"

A. Welcome to the Reul World

A voung coupIe goL murrIed und IeIL on LIeIr
Ionevmoon. WIen LIev goL buck, LIe brIde
ImmedIuLeIv cuIIed Ier moLIer.

Her moLIer usked, "How wus LIe Ionevmoon?"

"OI, Mum," sIe repIIed, "LIe Ionevmoon wus
wonderIuI! So romunLIc..."

SuddenIv sIe bursL ouL crvIng. "BuL, Mum, us soon
us we reLurned Sum sLurLed usIng LIe mosL IorrIbIe
Iunguuge...LIIngs 'd never Ieurd beIore! meun uII
LIese uwIuI q-IeLLer words! You've goL Lo come geL
me und Luke me Iome.... PIeuse Mum!"

"SuruI," Ier moLIer suId, "cuIm down! TeII me,
wIuL couId be so uwIuI? WIuL q-IeLLer words?"

"PIeuse don'L muke me LeII vou, Mum," wepL LIe
duugILer, "'m so emburrussed, LIev're jusL Loo
uwIuI! Come geL me, pIeuse!"

"DurIIng, vou musL LeII me wIuL Ius vou so upseL.
TeII vour moLIer LIese IorrIbIe q-IeLLer words!"

SLIII sobbIng, LIe brIde suId, "OI, Mum, LIev were
words IIke dusL, wusI, Iron, und cook.

=. Three beIore God

George BusI, BorIs YeILsIn, und BIII GuLes were
cuIIed In bv God.

God InIormed LIem LIuL Ie wus verv unIuppv ubouL
wIuL wus goIng on In LIIs worId. SInce LIIngs were
so bud, Ie LoId LIe LIree LIuL Ie wus desLrovIng LIe
EurLI In duvs.

TIev were uII uIIowed Lo reLurn Lo LIeIr Iomes und
busInesses, und LeII LIeIr IrIends und coIIeugues
14
wIuL wus IuppenIng. God dId LeII LIem LIougI LIuL
no muLLer wIuL LIev dId, Ie wus noL cIungIng IIs
mInd.

So George BusI wenL In und LoId IIs sLuII, " Iuve
good news und bud news Ior vou. IrsL LIe good
news... LIere S u God. TIe bud news Is LIuL Ie Is
desLrovIng LIe EurLI In duvs."

BorIs YeILsIn wenL buck und LoId IIs sLuII, " Iuve
bud news und more bud news. TIe IIrsL Is... LIere S
u God. TIe second wus LIuL Ie Is desLrovIng LIe
EurLI In duvs."

BIII GuLes wenL buck und LoId IIs sLuII, " Iuve good
news und good news. IrsL... God LIInks um one oI
LIe LIree mosL ImporLunL peopIe In LIe worId.
Second, vou don'L Iuve Lo IIx LIe bugs In WIndows
zooo."

6. Verticully Chullenued Homor

TIe scuIe uL mv docLor's oIIIce Ius u cIurL sIowIng
LIe IdeuI weIgIL per IeIgIL. TIunks Lo LIuL, now
know wIuL mv probIem Is. 'm noL overweIgIL; 'm
Loo sIorL.

. The Homeless Mun

TIere wus u mun wuIkIng down LIe sIdewuIk wIen
Ie wus upproucIed bv u IomeIess mun. TIe
IomeIess mun usked II LIe mun Iud u coupIe oI
doIIurs LIuL Ie couId spure.

TIe mun suId, "ves LIInk Iuve u coupIe oI doIIurs
Lo spure buL um uIruId LIuL vou wouId spend IL on
BudweIser."

TIe IomeIess mun suvs, "No sIr, Iuve gIven up
drInkIng."

TIe mun LIInks ubouL IL u momenL und suvs, " um
uIruId LIuL II guve vou LIe monev LIuL vou wouId
spend IL on gumbIIng."

TIe IomeIess mun suvs, "No, do noL gumbIe.
Iuve Lo suve mv monev In order Lo survIve."

TIe mun LIInks ubouL LIIs Ior u mInuLe und LIen
suvs, "WeII, wouId gIve vou LIe monev buL um
uIruId LIuL vou wouId spend IL on goII Iees."
TIe IomeIess mun uguIn suvs, "No sIr, wouId noL
do LIuL Iuve noL pIuved goII In over zo veurs."

TIe mun LIInks uguIn und LeIIs LIe IomeIess mun
LIuL Ie Is noL goIng Lo gIve IIm LIe monev InsLeud,
Ie Is goIng Lo Luke IIm Lo IIs Iouse und Iuve IIs
wIIe IIx IIm u nIce Iome cooked meuI und reIux.

TIe IomeIess mun LIInks ubouL LIIs Ior u momenL
und LIen usks LIe mun II IIs wIIe wouId geL upseL
sInce Ie Is dIrLv und unkempL. TIe mun LIInks und
suvs Lo LIe IomeIess mun, "No, jusL wunL mv wIIe
Lo see wIuL u mun wIo Ius gIven up drInkIng,
gumbIIng und goII Iooks IIke."

S. Mentul Heulth

TIe psvcIoIogv InsLrucLor Iud jusL IInIsIed u
IecLure on menLuI IeuILI und wus gIvIng un oruI
LesL.

SpeukIng specIIIcuIIv ubouL munIc depressIon, sIe
usked, "How wouId vou dIugnose u puLIenL wIo
wuIks buck und IorLI screumIng uL LIe Lop oI IIs
Iungs one mInuLe, LIen sILs In u cIuIr weepIng
unconLroIIubIv LIe nexL?"

A voung mun In LIe reur ruIsed IIs Iund und
unswered, "He's probubIv u buskeLbuII coucI?"

n. Tuke the Bill

A one doIIur bIII meL u zo doIIur bIII und suId, "Hev,
wIere've vou been? Iuven'L seen vou uround Iere
mucI."

TIe LwenLv unswered, "'ve been IungIng ouL uL LIe
cusInos, wenL on u cruIse und dId LIe rounds oI LIe
sIIp, buck Lo LIe UnILed SLuLes Ior uwIIIe, wenL Lo u
coupIe oI busebuII gumes, Lo LIe muII, LIuL kInd oI
sLuII.

How ubouL ure vou?" TIe one doIIur bIII suId, "You
know, sume oId sLuII... cIurcI, cIurcI, cIurcI."

1o. Bourd Meetinu

AILer u Iong, drv sermon, LIe mInIsLer unnounced
LIuL Ie wIsIed Lo meeL wILI LIe cIurcI bourd
IoIIowIng LIe cIose oI LIe servIce. However, LIe IIrsL
mun Lo urrIve wus u LoLuI sLrunger.
15
"You mIsundersLood mv unnouncemenL. TIIs Is u
meeLIng oI LIe bourd," suId LIe mInIsLer.

" know," suId LIe mun, "buL II LIere Is unvone Iere
more bored LIun um, 'd IIke Lo meeL IIm."

11. The Moon

ScIenLIsLs Iuve sIown LIuL LIe moon Is movIng
uwuv uL u LInv, uILIougI meusurubIe dIsLunce Irom
LIe eurLI everv veur. I vou do LIe muLI, vou cun
cuIcuIuLe LIuL 8= mIIIIon veurs ugo LIe moon wus
orbILIng LIe eurLI uL u dIsLunce oI ubouL = IeeL.
TIIs wouId expIuIn LIe deuLI oI LIe dInosuurs... LIe
LuIIesL ones, unvwuv.

1. BoIIet Is the Wuy

Horuce grubbed IIs pIuLe und wuIked up Lo LIe
buIIeL Ior LIe qLI LIme.

"Aren'L vou emburrussed Lo go Ior so munv
IeIpIngs?" usked IIs wIIe.

"NoL u bIL," Horuce repIIed, " keep LeIIIng LIem IL's
Ior vou."

1. Munuuers und Inuineers

A group oI munugers were gIven LIe ussIgnmenL Lo
meusure LIe IeIgIL oI u IIugpoIe. So LIev go ouL Lo
LIe IIugpoIe wILI Iudders und Lupe meusures, und
LIev're IuIIIng oII LIe Iudders, droppIng LIe Lupe
meusures - LIe wIoIe LIIng Is jusL u mess.

An engIneer comes uIong und sees wIuL LIev're
LrvIng Lo do, wuIks over, puIIs LIe IIugpoIe ouL oI
LIe ground, Iuvs IL IIuL, meusures IL Irom end Lo
end, gIves LIe meusuremenL Lo one oI LIe munugers
und wuIks uwuv.

AILer LIe engIneer Ius gone, one munuger Lurns Lo
unoLIer und IuugIs.

"sn'L LIuL jusL IIke un engIneer? We're IookIng Ior
LIe IeIgIL und Ie gIves us LIe IengLI."

1A. Yoo ronken Swine!

Joe Iud one Loo munv drInks one nIgIL und sLuggers
ouL oI LIe bur Lowurd LIe bus sLop.
EvenLuuIIv, u bus Lurns up und Ie geLs on, grInnIng
us Ie IInuIIv IIops down InLo u seuL nexL Lo u ruLIer
prIm und proper IookIng oId Iudv. TIe Iudv Ieuns
over und suvs, "'ve goL news Ior vou, vou drunken
swIne, -- vou're goIng sLruIgIL Lo IeII!"

Joe sILs uprIgIL In IIs seuL und sIouLs ouL, "Hev,
'm on LIe wrong bus!"

1=. Mommy's Little Anuel

An exusperuLed moLIer, wIose son wus uIwuvs
geLLIng InLo mIscIIeI, IInuIIv usked IIm, "How do
vou expecL Lo geL InLo Heuven?"

TIe bov LIougIL IL over und suId, "WeII, 'II jusL run
In und ouL, und In und ouL, und keep sIummIng LIe
door unLII SL. PeLer suvs, 'or Heuven's suke,
JImmv, come In or sLuv ouL!'"

16. Souuestion Box

Joe und runk were In LIe oIIIce und noLIced LIuL
someone Iud puL up u suggesLIon box wILI some x
= curds nexL Lo IL. BoLI decIded LIuL LIIs wus u greuL
Ideu, und eucI Look u curd Lo IIII ouL.

Joe wroLe, "TIe oIIIce workers sIouId uII be gIven
ruIses!"

WIen Ie Iooked uL runk's curd, IL suId, "Cun we uII
Iuve ruIses, und kevs Lo LIe execuLIve wusIroom,
und personuI secreLurIes, und new compunv curs,
und new coIIee cups, und Ionger IuncI breuks, und
un exLru LIree weeks vucuLIon eucI veur, und u
IoIIduv on SL. PuLrIck's Duv, und CoIumbus Duv und
MurLIn uLIer KIng's BIrLIduv?"

Joe suId, "runk, LIuL Isn'L LIe rIgIL wuv oI geLLIng
LIIngs cIunged uround Iere. You sIouIdn'L puL uII
oI vour begs In one usk-IL."

1. Pickinu op the Bill

CIInLon Is In LIe supermurkeL pIckIng up some
LIIngs Ior LIe Iouse wIen u sLock bov uccIdenLuIIv
knocks InLo IIm.

"Purdon me," LIe sLock bov suvs.

"Sure," CIInLon repIIes, "buL IL'II cosL vou."
16
1S. Sqoirms oI Indeurment

A guv wus InvILed Lo some oId IrIends' Iome Ior
dInner.

HIs buddv preceded everv requesL Lo IIs wIIe bv
endeurIng Lerms, cuIIIng Ier Honev, Mv ove,
DurIIng, SweeLIeurL, PumpkIn, eLc.

He wus Impressed sInce LIe coupIe Iud been
murrIed uImosL ;o veurs, und wIIIe LIe wIIe wus oII
In LIe kILcIen Ie suId Lo IIs buddv:

" LIInk IL's wonderIuI LIuL uILer uII LIe veurs vou've
been murrIed, vou sLIII cuII vour wIIe LIose peL
numes."

HIs buddv Iung IIs Ieud. "To LeII vou LIe LruLI," Ie
suId, " IorgoL Ier nume ubouL Len veurs ugo."

1n. A Misonderstundinu

A Iew monks were sILLIng uround one duv LuIkIng
ubouL LIe ScrIpLures und Iow munv LImes LIev Iud
been LrunsIuLed. One monk decIded Lo LrunsIuLe
LIem Ior IImseII, so wenL InLo LIe IIbrurv und
sLurLed Lo work. He wus down LIere Ior Iours, LIe
Iours Lurned InLo duvs. No one suw IIm Ior quILe
some LIme, und LIe oLIer monks begun Lo wonder.
InuIIv, one duv, u IeIIow monk wenL Lo LIe IIbrurv
Lo Iook Ior IIm. WIen Ie Iound IIm, LIe monk LIuL
wus LrunsIuLIng LIe ScrIpLures wus crvIng IIs eves
ouL, noLIIng IIke Ie Iud ever seen beIore. WIen Ie
usked wIuL wus wrong, LIe monk LoId IIm, "L suId
'ceIebruLe,' noL ceIIbuLe!"

o. A Bondle oI Ineruy?

HeIen und Amundu were dIscussIng LIeIr busv
scIeduIes.

HeIen suId, "Amundu, musL usk vou someLIIng.
Everv duv IeeI IncredIbIv run down und LIred. And
veL, see vou IookIng us IresI us u rose. Iuve Lo
know: wIuL's vour secreL?"

"Mv secreL? Everv mornIng, wILIouL IuII, wuke up
uL sIx o'cIock sIurp."

"You wuke up uL sIx o'cIock?"
"Yes, und LIen Iook uL LIe cIock, see wIuL LIme IL
Is, und go buck Lo sIeep Ior unoLIer Iour Iours."

1. It's u ou's LiIe

L wus LIe end oI LIe duv wIen purked mv poIIce
vun In IronL oI LIe sLuLIon. As guLIered mv
equIpmenL, mv K- purLner, Juke, wus burkIng, und
suw u IILLIe bov sLurIng In uL me.

"s LIuL u dog vou goL buck LIere?" Ie usked.

"L sure Is," repIIed.

PuzzIed, LIe bov Iooked uL me und LIen Lowurds LIe
buck oI LIe vun. InuIIv Ie suId, "WIuL'd Ie do?"

. A Reul Ronwuy Model

TIe IIIgIL conLroIIer wIo wus workIng u busv
puLLern LoId LIe ;z; on downwInd Lo muke u LIree-
sIxLv (do u compIeLe cIrcIe, usuuIIv Lo provIde
spucIng beLween uIrcruIL).

TIe pIIoL oI LIe ;z; compIuIned, "Do vou know IL
cosLs us Lwo LIousund doIIurs Lo muke u LIree-sIxLv
In LIIs uIrpIune?"

WILIouL mIssIng u beuL LIe conLroIIer repIIed,
"Roger, gIve me Iour LIousund doIIurs worLI!"

. Rudur Oh Reully

A poIIcemun Iud u perIecL spoL Lo wuLcI Ior
speeders, buL wusn'L geLLIng munv. TIen Ie
dIscovered LIe probIem - u 1o-veur-oId bov wus
sLundIng up LIe roud wILI u Iund puInLed sIgn,
wIIcI reud "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." TIe oIIIcer
LIen Iound u voung uccompIIce down LIe roud wILI
u sIgn reudIng "TPS" und u buckeL IuII oI cIunge.

A. Pictore PerIect Crime

A moLorIsL wus muIIed u pIcLure oI IIs cur speedIng
LIrougI un uuLomuLed rudur posL. A $qo speedIng
LIckeL wus IncIuded. BeIng cuLe, Ie senL LIe poIIce
depurLmenL u pIcLure oI $qo. TIe poIIce responded
wILI unoLIer muIIed pIoLo oI HundcuIIs.
17
=. Let There Be Liuht...

;o-veur-oId George wenL Ior IIs unnuuI pIvsIcuI.
AII oI IIs LesLs cume buck wILI normuI resuILs.

Dr. SmILI suId, "George, evervLIIng Iooks greuL
pIvsIcuIIv. How ure vou doIng menLuIIv und
emoLIonuIIv? Are vou uL peuce wILI vourseII, und do
vou Iuve u good reIuLIonsIIp wILI vour God?"

George repIIed, "God und me ure verv cIose. He
knows Iuve poor evesIgIL, so Ie's IIxed IL so LIuL
wIen geL up In LIe mIddIe oI LIe nIgIL Lo go Lo LIe
buLIroom (pooI!) LIe IIgIL goes on wIen pee, und
LIen (pooI!) LIe IIgIL goes oII wIen 'm done."

"Wow," commenLed Dr. SmILI, "LIuL's IncredIbIe!"

A IILLIe IuLer In LIe duv Dr. SmILI cuIIed George's
wIIe. "TIeImu," Ie suId, "George Is jusL IIne.
PIvsIcuIIv Ie's greuL, buL Iud Lo cuII becuuse 'm
In uwe oI IIs reIuLIonsIIp wILI God. s IL Lrue LIuL
Ie geLs up durIng LIe nIgIL und (pooI!) LIe IIgIL
goes on In LIe buLIroom, und LIen (pooI!) LIe IIgIL
goes oII?"

TIeImu excIuImed, "TIuL oId IooI! He's peeIng In
LIe reIrIgeruLor uguIn!"

6. iuunosis

WIIIe mukIng LIe rounds, Dr. Owens poInLs ouL un
X-Ruv Lo u group oI medIcuI sLudenLs.

"As vou cun see," Ie suvs, "LIe puLIenL IImps
becuuse IIs IeIL IIbuIu und LIbIu ure rudIcuIIv
urcIed. PIII Purker, wIuL wouId vou do In u cuse
IIke LIIs?"

He pondered Ior u second und unswered, " guess
'd IImp, Loo."

. Job Iuir

A jock und u geek uppIvIng Ior LIe sume job.

TIe boss suId, "Bovs, vou need Lo Luke u LesL beIore
vou cun geL LIIs job."

So LIev Look LIe LesL und LIe nexL duv LIev cume
buck Lo see wIo LIe boss cIose. "WeII," Ie suId,
"BoLI oI vou goL LIe sume score excepL 'm goIng Lo
cIoose LIe geek."

TIe jock compIuIned, "Don'L vou LIInk LIuL's
prejudIce or someLIIng?"

"WeII," LIe boss suId, "eL me LeII vou wIuL
Iuppened. BoLI oI vour pupers were rIgIL uII LIe
wuv LIrougI unLII LIe IusL quesLIon cume up, und
LIe geek unswered ' don'L know,' und LIen wIen
Iooked uL vour puper, vou unswered, 'Me eILIer'.

S. ivine Intervention?

TIe Lemporurv Sunduv scIooI LeucIer wus
sLruggIIng Lo open u combInuLIon Iock on LIe suppIv
cubIneL. SIe Iud been LoId LIe combInuLIon, buL
couIdn'L quILe remember IL. InuIIv sIe wenL Lo LIe
pusLor's sLudv und usked Ior IeIp.

TIe pusLor cume InLo LIe room und begun Lo Lurn
LIe dIuI. AILer LIe IIrsL Lwo numbers Ie puused und
sLured bIunkIv Ior u momenL. InuIIv Ie Iooked
sereneIv Ieuvenwurd und IIs IIps moved sIIenLIv.
TIen Ie Iooked buck uL LIe Iock, und quIckIv Lurned
Lo LIe IInuI number, und opened LIe Iock.

TIe LeucIer wus umuzed. "'m In uwe uL vour IuILI,
pusLor," sIe suId.

"L's reuIIv noLIIng," Ie unswered. "TIe number Is
on u pIece oI Lupe on LIe ceIIIng."

n. New Bluck Box

TIe NuLIonuI TrunsporLuLIon SuIeLv Bourd recenLIv
dIvuIged LIev Iud coverLIv Iunded u projecL wILI LIe
US uuLo mukers Ior LIe pusL IIve veurs, wIerebv LIe
uuLo mukers were InsLuIIIng bIuck boxes In Iour-
wIeeI drIve pIckup Lrucks In un eIIorL Lo deLermIne,
In IuLuI uccIdenLs, LIe cIrcumsLunces In LIe IusL 1=
seconds beIore LIe crusI.

TIev were surprIsed Lo IInd In q= oI LIe =o sLuLes
LIe IusL words oI drIvers In 61.z percenL oI IuLuI
crusIes were, "OI, SIIL!"

OnIv LIe sLuLes oI NorLI CuroIInu, SouLI CuroIInu,
MIssourI, GeorgIu und AIubumu were dIIIerenL,
wIere over 8. percenL oI LIe IInuI words were,
"HoId mv beer und wuLcI LIIs!"
18
o. river's Id Crush Coorse

As un InsLrucLor In drIver educuLIon uL UnIonvIIIe-
SebewuIng Areu HIgI ScIooI In MIcIIgun, 've
Ieurned LIuL even LIe brIgILesL sLudenLs cun
become IIusLered beIInd LIe wIeeI.

One duv, Iud LIree begInners In LIe cur, eucI
scIeduIed Lo drIve Ior o mInuLes. WIen LIe IIrsL
sLudenL Iud compIeLed IIs LIme, usked IIm Lo
cIunge pIuces wILI one oI LIe oLIers. GrIppIng LIe
wIeeI LIgILIv und sLurIng sLruIgIL uIeud, Ie usked
In u sIukv voIce, "SIouId sLop LIe cur IIrsL?"

1. Internutionul Adoption

A poIIsI coupIe wus deIIgILed wIen LIeIr Iong wuIL
Lo udopL u bubv cume Lo un end. TIe udopLIon
cenLer cuIIed und LoId LIem LIuL LIev Iud u
wonderIuI RussIun bubv bov, und LIe coupIe Look
IIm wILIouL IesILuLIon.

On LIe wuv Iome Irom LIe udopLIon cenLer, LIev
sLopped bv LIe IocuI coIIege so LIev eucI couId
enroII In nIgIL courses. AILer LIev IIIIed ouL LIe
Iorms, LIe regIsLruLIon cIerk InquIred,

"WIuL ever possessed vou Lo sLudv RussIun?"

TIe coupIe suId proudIv,

"We jusL udopLed u RussIun bubv, und In u veur or
so Ie'II sLurL Lo LuIk. We jusL wunL Lo be ubIe Lo
undersLund IIm."

. Wild Weddinu

A IILLIe bov wus In u reIuLIve's weddIng. As Ie wus
comIng down LIe uIsIe Ie wouId Luke Lwo sLeps,
sLop, und Lurn Lo LIe crowd (uILernuLIng beLween
brIde's sIde und groom's sIde). WIIIe IucIng LIe
crowd, Ie wouId puL IIs Iunds up IIke cIuws und
rour.

So IL wenL, sLep, sLep, ROAR, sLep, sLep, ROAR -- uII
LIe wuv down LIe uIsIe.

As vou cun ImugIne, LIe crowd wus neur Leurs Irom
IuugIIng so Iurd bv LIe LIme Ie reucIed LIe puIpIL.
TIe IILLIe bov, Iowever, wus geLLIng more und more
dIsLressed Irom uII LIe IuugIIng, und wus uIso neur
Leurs bv LIe LIme Ie reucIed LIe puIpIL.

WIen usked wIuL Ie wus doIng, LIe cIIId snIIIed
und suId, " wus beIng LIe 'RIng Beur'..."

. GolI und Ioneruls

Two guvs ure goIIIng on u course LIuL Is rIgIL nexL
Lo u cemeLerv. AILer LIev Lee oII, one oI LIe goIIers
noLIces LIuL LIere Is u IuneruI processIon pussIng
bv. So Ie Lukes oII IIs IuL, und pIuces IL over IIs
IeurL. WIen LIe IuneruI Is over, LIe oLIer goIIer
Iooks uL LIe guv und usks, "WIv dId vou do LIuL?"

TIe mun repIIes, "WeII we were murrIed Ior uImosL
qo veurs. L's LIe IeusL couId do."

A. Indinu the Aruoment

A Iusbund desperuLe Lo end un urgumenL oIIers Lo
buv Is wIIe u new cur. SIe curLIv decIInes IIs oIIer
bv suvIng, "TIuL's noL quILe wIuL Iud In mInd."

runLIcuIIv Ie oIIers Ier u new Iouse. AguIn sIe
rejecLs IIs oIIer, "TIuL's noL quILe wIuL Iud In
mInd."

CurIous, Ie usks: "WIuL dId vou Iuve In mInd?"
SIe reLorLs, "'d IIke u dIvorce."

He unswers, " Iudn'L pIunned on spendIng quILe
LIuL mucI."

=. Sopermurket Send OII

A voung mun wus wuIkIng LIrougI u supermurkeL Lo
pIck up u Iew LIIngs wIen Ie noLIced un oId Iudv
IoIIowIng IIm uround. TIInkIng noLIIng oI IL, Ie
Ignored Ier und conLInued on. InuIIv Ie wenL Lo
LIe cIeck-ouL IIne, buL sIe goL In IronL oI IIm.

"Purdon me," sIe suId, "'m sorrv II mv sLurIng uL
vou Ius mude vou IeeI uncomIorLubIe. L's jusL LIuL
vou Iook jusL IIke mv son, wIo Iuven'L seen In u
Iong LIme."

"TIuL's u sIume," repIIed LIe voung mun, "Is LIere
unvLIIng cun do Ior vou?"
19
"Yes," sIe suId, "As 'm IeuvIng, cun vou suv 'Good
bve, MoLIer!'? L wouId muke me IeeI so mucI
beLLer."

"Sure," unswered LIe voung mun. So, wIen LIe oId
womun wus IeuvIng, Ie cuIIed ouL, "Goodbve,
MoLIer!"

As Ie sLepped up Lo LIe cIeckouL counLer, Ie suw
LIuL IIs LoLuI wus $1z;.=o. "How cun LIuL be?" Ie
usked, " onIv purcIused u Iew LIIngs!"

TIe cIerk repIIed, "Your moLIer suId LIuL vou wouId
puv Ior Ier."

6. New oel Roles

n bvgone duvs, u LIIn mun InsuILed u IuL mun. TIe
IuL mun cIuIIenged IIs LormenLor Lo u dueI wILI
pIsLoIs.

On LIe duv oI LIe dueI u debuLe ensued ubouL LIe
unIuIr udvunLuge IeId bv LIe LIIn mun becuuse Ie
wus u mucI smuIIer LurgeL. InuIIv LIe LIIn mun
cume up wILI u soIuLIon.

"eL LIe ouLIIne oI mv IIgure be cIuIked upon vour
bodv," Ie suId Lo IIs opponenL, "und unv sIoLs oI
mIne LIuL IIL ouLsIde LIe cIuIk IInes, we won'L
counL."

. The ou und the Rubbit

Mv neIgIbor cume Lo see me IusL weekend. He cume
Lo LeII me LIuL Ie Ius been seeIng mv dog LrvIng Lo
geL InLo IIs rubbIL cuge. He LoId me LIuL II mv dog
goL IIs rubbIL, Ie wouId kIII mv dog.

YesLerduv, us wus rukIng LIe Ieuves, see mv dog
come LroLLIng ucross LIe vurd proudIv dIspIuvIng
LIe IILLIe muddv rubbIL In IIs mouLI. Mv IeurL
dropped! SeeIng LIuL mv neIgIbor wusn'L Iome,
quIckIv grubbed LIe rubbIL, Look IL InsIde und guve
IL u good wusIIng. bIow drIed IL und brusIed IL
und Look LIe poor LIIng buck Lo IL's cuge.

A Iew Iours IuLer, mv neIgIbor cume Iome.
wuLcIed In Iorror us mv neIgIbor wenL ouL Lo LIe
rubbIL's cuge. TIe neIgIbor LIen cume knockIng uL
mv door. He LoId me, "TIe durndesL LIIng Iuppened
Loduv", guIped. He suId " goL up LIIs mornIng und
Iound mv rubbIL deud In IIs cuge, so Look ouL buck
und burIed IIm, und durned II Ie uIn'L buck In IIs
cuge!"

S. Wisenheimer

n mv EngIIsI-us-u-second-Iunguuge cIuss,
expIuIned LIe dIIIerence beLween u wuLcI und u
cIock. LoId LIe sLudenLs LIuL wIen IL wus u Iurge
LImepIece on u wuII und noL uLLucIed Lo vour bodv,
IL wus cuIIed u cIock. WIen IL wus worn on vour
bodv, IL wus cuIIed u wuLcI.

A Iew duvs IuLer we Iud u power ouLuge, und our
cIussroom cIocks Iud noL been reseL. usked uIs,
wIo wus weurIng u wrIsLwuLcI, Ior LIe LIme. uIs
Iooked uL IIs wrIsL, und LIen conIIdenLIv
unnounced, "L Is exucLIv Len O'WuLcI."

n. The Chullenue

A muILI-mIIIIonuIre Texun IeId u purLv Ior uII IIs
IrIends uL IIs IuxurIous Ione-sLur runcI. To udd u
LwIsL Lo IIs purLv, Ie sLocked LIe pooI wILI
uIIIguLors.

HuIIwuv LIrougI LIe purLv Ie cuIIed evervone
LogeLIer und cIuIIenged IIs uudIence, "or unvone
wIo cun swIm Irom one end oI LIe pooI Lo LIe oLIer
und survIve, wIII gIve LIem one oI LIree cIoIces:
LIe deed Lo LIIs runcI, u mIIIIon doIIurs, or mv
duugILer's Iund In murrIuge".

SuddenIv Ie Ieurd u spIusI. As Ie und IIs guesLs
Lurned Lowurd LIe pooI, LIev suw u mun IIgILIng Ior
IIs IIIe wILI LIe uIIIguLors. MIrucuIousIv, LIe mun
mude IL pusL LIe uIIIguLors und cIImbed ouL LIe
oLIer sIde oI LIe pooI.

TIe muILI-mIIIIonuIre wenL up Lo LIe mun und suId,
" um verv proud oI vou Ior LukIng LIe cIuIIenge.
never LIougIL LIuL unvone wouId Luke LIe rIsk. Ike
promIsed, vou Iuve LIree cIoIces: LIe deed Lo LIIs
runcI, u mIIIIon doIIurs, or mv duugILer's Iund In
murrIuge. WIIcI wIII IL be?"

TIe mun Iooked uL LIe IosL und suId, " Iuve one
quesLIon".

TIe owner repIIed, "WIuL mIgIL LIuL be?"

TIe mun suId, "DId vou see wIo pusIed me In?"
20
Ao. Precocioos Purrots

A mun goes In Lo u peL sLore IookIng Ior u purroL.
Upon enLerIng LIe sLore Ie sees u bIrd wILI u prIce
Lug oI one LIousund doIIurs. He usks LIe sIopkeeper
wIv LIIs bIrd so expensIve und LIe owner repIIed
LIuL LIe bIrd couId run u compuLer. WeII, LIuL S u
good deuI II Ie cun run u compuLer.

TIe guv Iooks uround LIe sLore u sees unoLIer bIrd
und LIe prIce Lug on LIIs one Is Lwo LIousund
doIIurs. TIe mun usks LIe owner wIv LIIs bIrd Is so
expensIve. TIe owner repIIes LIuL LIIs bIrd Is so
expensIve becuuse LIe bIrd noL onIv cun run u
compuLer buL Ie cun uIso IIx u compuLer.

WeII LIuL Is uIso u preLLv good deuI LIougIL LIe
mun. TIen LIe mun sees u LIIrd bIrd LIuL Is prIced
uL LIree LIousund doIIurs. So Ie usks LIe owner
uguIn wIv LIIs bIrd Is so expensIve. WeII LIe owner
repIIes 've never ucLuuIIv seen LIIs bIrd do
unvLIIng buL LIe oLIer Lwo cuII IIm boss.

A1. ock Picnic

Two ducks decIde Lo go cumpIng. So LIev pucked z
pIcnIc buskeLs, one wILI sundwIcIes und one wILI
boLLIes oI beer. TIev begun wuIkIng. Hours und
Iours puss beIore LIev IInuIIv geL Lo u spoL LIev
wouId enjov cumpIng uL.

AILer seLLIIng down, LIev reuIIze LIev Iud IorgoLLen
u boLLIe opener Ior LIe beer. TIe IIrsL duck suvs,
"WIv don'L vou go buck und geL IL und 'II sLuv
Iere." TIe second duck responds, "No wuv! 'II go
buck und geL IL und wIen geL buck vou'II Iuve
euLen uII LIe sundwIcIes." TIe IIrsL duck repIIes,"
promIse won'L LoucI LIem."

So LIe second duck ugrees und goes on IIs wuv. A
duv pusses, LIen z LIen =. AILer LIe 6LI duv, LIe
IIrsL duck wus Iungrv so decIded Lo euL u sundwIcI.
He opened LIe buskeL und begun Lo euL u sundwIcI
wIen LIe second duck pops IIs Ieud up beIInd u
rock und suvs, " knew IL! 'm noL IreukIn' goIn'!!!!"

A. Interview Qoestion

An engIneer, u pIvsIcIsL, und u Iuwver were beIng
InLervIewed Ior u posILIon us cIIeI execuLIve oIIIcer
oI u Iurge corporuLIon.
TIe engIneer wus InLervIewed IIrsL, und wus usked u
Iong IIsL oI quesLIons, endIng wILI "How mucI Is
Lwo pIus Lwo?" TIe engIneer excused IImseII, und
mude u serIes oI meusuremenLs und cuIcuIuLIons
beIore reLurnIng Lo LIe bourdroom und unnouncIng,
"our."

TIe pIvsIcIsL wus nexL InLervIewed, und wus usked
LIe sume quesLIons. BeIore unswerIng LIe IusL
quesLIon, Ie excused IImseII, mude Ior LIe IIbrurv,
und dId u greuL deuI oI reseurcI. AILer u
consuILuLIon wILI LIe UnILed SLuLes Bureuu oI
SLundurds und munv cuIcuIuLIons, Ie uIso
unnounced "our."

TIe Iuwver wus InLervIewed IusL, und wus usked LIe
sume quesLIons. AL LIe end oI IIs InLervIew, beIore
unswerIng LIe IusL quesLIon, Ie drew uII LIe sIudes
In LIe room, Iooked ouLsIde LIe door Lo see II
unvone wus LIere, cIecked LIe LeIepIone Ior
IIsLenIng devIces, und usked, "How mucI do vou
wunL IL Lo be?"

A. Almost PerIect Sule

A womun wuIks InLo LIe buLcIer sIop jusL beIore
cIosIng. SIe suvs, "TIunk Heuvens 've mude IL In
LIme! Huve vou unv cIIcken?" TIe buLcIer opens
IIs IrIdge und Lukes ouL IIs onIv cIIcken, und pIops
IL onLo LIe scuIe. L weIgIs z 1Jz pounds.

"AI, Iuven'L vou unvLIIng bIgger?" LIe womun
InquIres.

TIe buLcIer reLurns LIe cIIcken Lo LIe IrIdge, Lukes
IL ouL uguIn, und pIops IL onLo LIe scuIe, onIv LIIs
LIme, Ie keeps IIs LIumb on LIe cIIcken. TIe scuIe
sIows 1Jq pounds.

"MurveIous!" suvs LIe womun. "'II Iuve boLI oI
LIem pIeuse."

AA. New Siunulmun

Tom Is uppIvIng Ior u job us u sIgnuImun Ior LIe
IocuI ruIIroud und Is LoId Lo meeL LIe InspecLor uL
LIe sIgnuI Lower.

TIe InspecLor decIdes Lo gIve Tom u pop quIz,
uskIng: "WIuL wouId vou do II vou reuIIzed LIuL Lwo
LruIns were IeudIng Lowurds eucI oLIer on LIe sume
Lruck?"
21
Tom suvs, " wouId swILcI one LruIn Lo unoLIer
Lruck."

"WIuL II LIe Iever broke?" usks LIe InspecLor.

"TIen 'd run down Lo LIe Lrucks und use LIe
munuuI Iever down LIere," unswers Tom.
"WIuL II LIuL Iud been sLruck bv IIgILnIng?"
cIuIIenges LIe InspecLor.

"TIen," Tom conLInued, "'d run buck up Iere und
use LIe pIone Lo cuII LIe nexL sIgnuI box."

"WIuL II LIe pIone wus busv?"

"n LIuL cuse," Tom urgued, "'d run Lo LIe sLreeL
IeveI und use LIe pubIIc pIone neur LIe sLuLIon."

"WIuL II LIuL Iud been vunduIIzed?"

"OI weII," suId Tom, "In LIuL cuse wouId run InLo
Lown und geL mv UncIe eo."

TIIs puzzIed LIe InspecLor, so Ie usked, "WIv
wouId vou do LIuL?"

"Becuuse Ie's never seen u LruIn crusI."

A=. Jouule Oot OI u Ticket

A juggIer, drIvIng Lo IIs nexL perIormunce, Is
sLopped bv LIe poIIce.

"WIuL ure LIese muLcIes und IIgILer IIuId doIng In
vour cur?" usks LIe cop.

"'m u juggIer und juggIe IIumIng LorcIes In mv
ucL."

"OI veuI?" suvs LIe doubLIuI cop. "eLs see vou do
IL." TIe juggIer geLs ouL und sLurLs juggIIng LIe
bIuzIng LorcIes musLerIuIIv.

A coupIe drIvIng bv sIows down Lo wuLcI. "Wow,"
suvs LIe drIver Lo IIs wIIe. "'m gIud quIL drInkIng.
ook uL LIe LesL LIev're gIvIng now!"

A6. Suy Whut Yoo Meun

SeveruI weeks uILer u voung mun Iud been IIred; Ie
wus cuIIed InLo LIe personneI dIrecLor's oIIIce.
"WIuL Is LIe meunIng oI LIIs?" LIe IruLe dIrecLor
usked. "WIen vou uppIIed Ior LIIs job, vou LoId us
vou Iud IIve veurs experIence. Now we dIscovered
LIIs Is LIe IIrsL job vou've ever IeId."

"WeII," LIe voung mun repIIed, "In vour
udverLIsemenL vou suId vou wunLed somebodv wILI
ImugInuLIon."

A. Tuintinu the Iumily Tree

TIe SmILIs were proud oI LIeIr IumIIv LrudILIon.
TIeIr uncesLors Iud come Lo AmerIcu on LIe
MuvIIower. TIev Iud IncIuded SenuLors und WuII
SLreeL wIzurds.

TIev decIded Lo compIIe u IumIIv IIsLorv, u Iegucv
Ior LIeIr cIIIdren und grundcIIIdren. TIev IIred u
IIne uuLIor. OnIv one probIem urose - Iow Lo
IundIe LIuL greuL-uncIe George, wIo wus execuLed
In LIe eIecLrIc cIuIr.

TIe uuLIor suId Ie couId IundIe LIe sLorv LucLIuIIv.

TIe book uppeured. L suId "GreuL-uncIe George
occupIed u cIuIr oI uppIIed eIecLronIcs uL un
ImporLunL governmenL InsLILuLIon, wus uLLucIed Lo
IIs posILIon bv LIe sLrongesL oI LIes, und IIs deuLI
cume us u greuL sIock."

AS. Lesson in Alcohol

A IuLIer wus LrvIng Lo LeucI IIs voung son LIe evIIs
oI uIcoIoI.

He puL one worm In u gIuss oI wuLer und unoLIer
worm In u gIuss oI wIIskev. TIe worm In LIe wuLer
IIved, wIIIe LIe one In LIe wIIskev curIed up und
dIed.

"AII rIgIL, son," usked LIe IuLIer,

"WIuL does LIuL sIow vou?"

"WeII, Dud, IL sIows LIuL II vou drInk uIcoIoI, vou
won'L geL worms."

An. Gusmen

Two gus compunv servIcemen, u senIor LruInIng
supervIsor und u voung LruInee were ouL cIeckIng
meLers In u suburbun neIgIborIood. TIev purked
22
LIeIr Lruck uL LIe end oI LIe uIIev und worked LIeIr
wuv Lo LIe oLIer end. AL LIe IusL Iouse u womun
IookIng ouL Ier kILcIen wIndow wuLcIed us LIev
cIecked Ier meLer.

InIsIIng LIe meLer cIeck, LIe senIor supervIsor
cIuIIenged IIs vounger co-worker Lo u IooLruce
down LIe uIIev buck Lo LIe Lruck Lo prove LIuL un
oIder guv couId ouLrun u vounger one.

As LIev cume LeurIng up Lo LIe Lruck, LIev reuIIzed
LIe Iudv oI LIuL end Iouse wus IuIIIng und puIIIng
rIgIL beIInd LIem. TIev sLopped ImmedIuLeIv und
usked Ier wIuL wus wrong.

"WIen suw Lwo gusmen runnIng us Iurd us vou
were," gusped LIe womun, " IIgured 'd beLLer run
Loo!"

=o. Luondry Impuired

One duv mv Iousework-cIuIIenged Iusbund
decIded Lo wusI IIs sweuLsIIrL.

Seconds uILer Ie sLepped InLo LIe Iuundrv room, Ie
sIouLed Lo me, "WIuL seLLIng do use on LIe
wusIIng mucIIne?"

"L depends," repIIed. "WIuL does IL suv on vour
sIIrL?"

He veIIed buck, "UnIversILv oI MIcIIgun." And LIev
suv bIondes ure dumb...

=1. Texus Boots

DId vou Ieur ubouL LIe Texus LeucIer wIo wus
IeIpIng one oI Ier kIndergurLen sLudenLs puL on IIs
cowbov booLs?

He usked Ior IeIp und sIe couId see wIv. Even wILI
Ier puIIIng und IIm pusIIng, LIe IILLIe booLs sLIII
dIdn'L wunL Lo go on. InuIIv, wIen LIe second booL
wus on, sIe Iud worked up u sweuL. SIe uImosL
crIed wIen LIe IILLIe bov suId, "TeucIer, LIev're on
LIe wrong IeeL."

SIe Iooked und sure enougI, LIev were. L wusn'L
unv eusIer puIIIng LIe booLs oII LIun IL wus puLLIng
LIem on. SIe munuged Lo keep Ier cooI us LogeLIer
LIev worked Lo geL LIe booLs buck on, LIIs LIme on
LIe rIgIL IeeL.
He LIen unnounced, "TIese uren'L mv booLs." SIe
bIL Ier Longue ruLIer LIun geL rIgIL In IIs Iuce und
screum, "WIv dIdn'L vou suv so?" IIke sIe wunLed
Lo. And, once uguIn sIe sLruggIed Lo IeIp IIm puII
LIe III-IILLIng booLs oII IIs IILLIe IeeL.

No sooner LIev goL LIe booLs oII und Ie suId,
"TIev're mv broLIer's booLs. Mv Mom mude me
weur 'em."

Now sIe dIdn'L know II sIe sIouId IuugI or crv.
BuL, sIe musLered up LIe gruce und couruge sIe Iud
IeIL Lo wresLIe LIe booLs on IIs IeeL uguIn.

HeIpIng IIm InLo IIs couL, sIe usked, "Now, wIere
ure vour mILLens?"

He suId, " sLuIIed 'em In LIe Loes oI mv booLs."

=. Solvinu u Problem

TIere wus un engIneer, munuger, und u
progrummer drIvIng down u sLeep mounLuIn roud.
TIe brukes IuIIed und LIe cur cureened down LIe
roud ouL oI conLroI. HuII wuv down LIe drIver
munuged Lo sLop LIe cur bv runnIng IL uguInsL LIe
embunkmenL nurrowIv uvoIdIng cureenIng oII LIe
cIIII. TIev uII goL ouL, sIuken bv LIeIr nurrow
escupe Irom deuLI, buL oLIerwIse unIurmed.

TIe munuger suId, "To IIx LIIs probIem we need Lo
orgunIze u commILLee, Iuve meeLIngs, und LIrougI
process oI excIungIng Ideus, deveIop u soIuLIon."

TIe engIneer suId, "No LIuL wouId Luke Loo Iong,
besIdes LIuL meLIod never worked beIore. Iuve
mv LrusLv pen knIIe Iere und wIII Luke upurL LIe
bruke svsLem, IsoIuLe LIe probIem und correcL IL."

TIe progrummer suId, " LIInk vour boLI wrong!
LIInk we sIouId uII pusI LIe cur buck up LIe IIII
und see II IL Iuppens uguIn."

=. Airplune!

WIIIe cruIsIng uL qo,ooo IeeL, LIe uIrpIune
sIuddered und Mr. Benson Iooked ouL LIe wIndow.
"Goodness!" Ie screumed, "one oI LIe engInes jusL
bIew up!"

OLIer pussengers IeIL LIeIr seuLs und cume runnIng
over; suddenIv LIe uIrcruIL wus rocked bv u second
23
bIusL us veL unoLIer engIne expIoded on LIe oLIer
sIde.

TIe pussengers were In u punIc now, und even LIe
sLewurdesses couIdn'L muInLuIn order. JusL LIen,
sLundIng LuII und smIIIng conIIdenLIv, LIe pIIoL
sLrode Irom LIe cockpIL und ussured evervone LIuL
LIere wus noLIIng Lo worrv ubouL.

HIs words und IIs demeunor seemed Lo muke mosL
oI LIe pussengers IeeI beLLer, und LIev suL down us
LIe pIIoL cuImIv wuIked Lo LIe door oI LIe uIrcruIL.
TIere, Ie grubbed severuI puckuges Irom under LIe
seuLs und begun IundIng LIem Lo LIe IIIgIL
uLLendunLs.

EucI crew member uLLucIed LIe puckuge Lo LIeIr
bucks.

"Suv," spoke up un uIerL pussenger, "uren'L LIose
purucIuLes?"

TIe pIIoL suId LIev were. TIe pussenger wenL on,
"BuL LIougIL vou suId LIere wus noLIIng Lo worrv
ubouL?"

"TIere Isn'L," repIIed LIe pIIoL us u LIIrd engIne
expIoded. "We're goIng Lo geL IeIp."

=A. A-Peurl-Linu Behuvior

AILer sIe woke up, u womun LoId Ier Iusbund, "
jusL dreumed LIuL vou guve me u peurI neckIuce Ior
VuIenLIne's duv. WIuL do vou LIInk IL meuns?"

"You'II know LonIgIL." Ie suId.

TIuL evenIng, LIe mun cume Iome wILI u smuII
puckuge und guve IL Lo IIs wIIe. DeIIgILed, sIe
opened IL - Lo IInd u book enLILIed "TIe MeunIng oI
Dreums."

==. At The Grundpurents

Two voung bovs were spendIng LIe nIgIL uL LIeIr
grundpurenLs. AL bedLIme, LIe Lwo bovs kneIL besIde
LIeIr beds Lo suv LIeIr pruvers wIen LIe voungesL
one begun pruvIng uL LIe Lop oI IIs Iungs.

" PRAY OR A NEW BCYCE... PRAY OR A
NEW NNTENDO... PRAY OR A NEW VCR..."
HIs oIder broLIer Ieuned over und nudged LIe
vounger broLIer und suId, "WIv ure vou sIouLIng
vour pruvers? God Isn'L deuI."

To wIIcI LIe IILLIe broLIer repIIed, "No, buL
Grummu Is!"

=6. Pitchinu u Temp

A soIdIer wus usked Lo reporL Lo IeudquurLers Ior
ussIgnmenL. TIe sergeunL suId: "We Iuve u crILIcuI
sIorLuge oI LvpIsLs. 'II gIve vou u IILLIe LesL. Tvpe
LIIs," Ie ordered, gIvIng IIm u pumpIIeL Lo copv
und u sIeeL oI puper, und poInLIng Lo u desk ucross
LIe room LIuL IeId u LvpewrILer und un uddIng
mucIIne.

TIe mun, quILe reIucLunL Lo become u cIerk LvpIsL,
mude u poInL oI LvpIng verv sIowIv, und suw Lo IL
LIuL IIs work conLuIned us munv errors us possIbIe.

TIe sergeunL guve LIe Lvped copv onIv u brIeI
gIunce.

"TIuL's IIne," Ie suId. "ReporL Ior work uL 8
Lomorrow."

"BuL uren'L vou goIng Lo cIeck LIe LesL?" LIe
prospecLIve cIerk usked.

TIe sergeunL grInned. "You pussed LIe LesL," Ie
repIIed, "wIen vou suL down uL LIe LvpewrILer
InsLeud oI uL LIe uddIng mucIIne."

=. Inuine Trooble

IILeen mInuLes InLo IIIgIL, LIe pIIoL unnounced:
"udIes und genLIemen, one oI our engInes Ius
IuIIed. TIere Is noLIIng Lo worrv ubouL. Our IIIgIL
wIII Luke un Iour Ionger LIun scIeduIed, buL we sLIII
Iuve LIree engInes IeIL."

TIIrLv mInuLes IuLer LIe pIIoL unnounced: "One
more engIne Ius IuIIed und LIe IIIgIL wIII Luke un
uddILIonuI Lwo Iours. BuL don'L worrv, we cun IIv
jusL IIne on Lwo engInes." An Iour IuLer LIe pIIoL
unnounced: "One more engIne Ius IuIIed und our
urrIvuI wIII be deIuved unoLIer LIree Iours. BuL
don'L worrv, we sLIII Iuve one engIne IeIL."

TIe guv In seuL 1;A Lurned Lo me und suId, "I we
Iose one more engIne, we'II be up Iere uII duv!"
24
=S. The Burber oI Ivil

Everv SuLurduv, LIIs mun goes InLo IIs burber sIop.
So LIIs one SuLurduv Ie LoId IIs burber LIuL Ie wus
goIng Lo Rome.

TIe Burber usked wIuL IIIgIL Ie wus goIng Lo Luke.
TIe Mun responded "A-1."

TIe burber veIIed, "A-1!? Are vou cruzv?! TIuL
pIune's Iood Is IorrIbIe! And, vou'II never geL u
wInk oI sIeep 'cuuse LIe engInes ure so noIsv!"

AILer u momenL oI sIIence, LIe burber poIILeIv
usked, "WIuL IoLeI ure vou sLuvIng uL?"

TIe mun repIIed "TIe Grund HoLeI."

TIe Burber uguIn veIIed, "WIv ure vou goIng LIere?!
TIe pIuce Is InIesLed wILI roucIes, und LIe
muLLresses ure us Iurd us u rock!"

TIen uILer unoLIer momenL oI sIIence, LIe mun
suId, "OI, und guess wIuL 'm goIng Lo do!?"

"WIuL?" usked LIe burber.

"'m goIng Lo see LIe pope!"

TIe burber IILeruIIv screumed, "You'II never geL Lo
see LIe pope!! No one ever geLs Lo see LIe pope up
cIose!"

Two weeks IuLer LIe mun cume buck und suId LIuL
LIe pIune und LIe IoLeI were greuL. TIe burber wus
usLonIsIed.

TIe burber usked II LIe mun goL Lo see LIe pope up
cIose. TIe mun sLreLcIed IIs urms ubouL z IeeL u
purL und suId, " goL Lo see LIe pope und wus LIIs
Iur uwuv und Ie LuIked Lo me personuIIv."

"No wuv," LIe burber. "WIuL dId Ie suv Lo vou?"

"WIere'd vou geL LIe dumb IuIrcuL?" LIe mun
repIIed.

=n. Lnder Pressore

PuLIenL: "DocLor, vou goLLu IeIp me. 'm under u IoL
oI sLress. keep IosIng mv Lemper wILI peopIe."
DocLor: "TeII me ubouL vour probIem."

PuLIenL: " jusL dId, vou IdIoL!"

6o. Rest in Peuce

A new busIness wus openIng und one oI LIe owner's
IrIends wunLed Lo send IIowers Ior LIe occusIon.
TIev urrIved uL LIe new busIness sILe und LIe owner
reud LIe curd; IL suId "ResL In Peuce".

TIe owner wus ungrv und cuIIed LIe IIorIsL Lo
compIuIn.

AILer Ie Iud LoId LIe IIorIsL oI LIe obvIous mIsLuke
und Iow ungrv Ie wus, LIe IIorIsL suId. "SIr, 'm
reuIIv sorrv Ior LIe mIsLuke, buL ruLIer LIun geLLIng
ungrv vou sIouId ImugIne LIIs: somewIere LIere Is
u IuneruI LukIng pIuce Loduv, und LIev Iuve IIowers
wILI u noLe suvIng, 'CongruLuIuLIons on vour new
IocuLIon.'"

61. Ileu Murket

A promInenL scIenLIsL conducLed u verv ImporLunL
experImenL. He LruIned u IIeu Lo jump upon gIvIng
IL u verbuI commund ("Jump!").

n LIe IIrsL sLuge oI LIe experImenL Ie removed LIe
IIeu's Ieg, LoId IL Lo jump, und LIe IIeu jumped. So
Ie wroLe In IIs scIenLIIIc noLebook: "Upon
removIng one Ieg, uII IIeu orguns IuncLIon
properIv."

So, Ie removed LIe second Ieg, usked LIe IIeu Lo
jump, IL obeved, so Ie wroLe uguIn: "Upon removIng
LIe second Ieg, uII IIeu orguns IuncLIon properIv."

TIen Ie removed LIe IusL Ieg, LoId LIe IIeu Lo jump,
und noLIIng Iuppened.

He dId noL wunL Lo Luke u cIunce, so Ie repeuLed
LIe experImenL severuI LImes, und LIe IegIess IIeu
never jumped. So Ie wroLe LIe concIusIon: "Upon
removIng LIe IusL Ieg, LIe IIeu Ioses sense oI
IeurIng."

6. eud Luwyer

A mun cuIIed IIs Iuw IIrm und usked LIe
recepLIonIsL II Ie couId speuk Lo IIs Iuwver, Mr.
25
SmILI. SIe repIIed LIuL sIe wus sorrv, buL IIs
Iuwver wus deud.

TIe nexL duv LIe mun cuIIed uguIn wunLIng Lo speuk
wILI Mr. SmILI.

TIe recepLIonIsL uguIn suId LIuL sIe wus sorrv, buL
Ie wus deud.

TIe nexL duv, LIe mun rung uguIn und usked II Ie
couId LuIk Lo IIs Iuwver Mr. SmILI.

TIe recepLIonIsL suId LIuL sIe wus sorrv buL sIe Iud
uIreudv LoId IIm u Iundred LImes LIuL Ie wus deud.

TIe mun repIIed, " know LIuL, jusL IIke IeurIng
IL!"

6. I Wooldn't Boy Thut Ior u ollur

A IrIend und were sLundIng In IIne uL u IusL-Iood
resLuurunL, wuILIng Lo pIuce our order. TIere wus u
bIg sIgn posLed. "No bIIIs Iurger LIun $zo wIII be
uccepLed."

TIe womun In IronL oI us, poInLIng Lo LIe sIgn,
remurked, "BeIIeve me, II HAD u bIII Iurger LIun
$zo, wouIdn'L be euLIng Iere."

6A. Iool's Purudise

"I LIere ure unv IdIoLs In LIe room, wIII LIev pIeuse
sLund up," suId LIe surcusLIc LeucIer. AILer u Iong
sIIence, one IresImun rose Lo IIs IeeL.

"Now LIen mIsLer, wIv do vou consIder vourseII un
IdIoL?" InquIred LIe LeucIer wILI u sneer.

"WeII, ucLuuIIv don'L," suId LIe sLudenL, "buL IuLe
Lo see vou sLundIng up LIere uII bv vourseII."

6=. I'll boy thut Ior u ollur!

usL New Yeur's Eve, u Iudv sLood up uL LIe IocuI
pub und suId LIuL IL wus LIme Lo geL reudv Ior LIe
ceIebruLIons.

AL LIe sLroke oI mIdnIgIL, sIe wunLed everv
Iusbund Lo be sLundIng nexL Lo LIe one person wIo
mude IIs IIIe worLI IIvIng.
WeII, IL wus kInd oI emburrussIng. TIe burLender
wus uImosL crusIed Lo deuLI.

66. NewlyIed Lp

AnnIe, LIe new brIde, wenL crvIng Lo Ier moLIer.

"Mommu, cun'L geL NeII Lo do unvLIIng. wunL
IIm Lo IIx up LIe Iouse, und Ie keeps puLLIng IL
oII."

"Honev," Ier moLIer repIIed, "uILer beIng murrIed
Lo vour IuLIer Ior sIx veurs, 've Iound LIe onIv wuv
Lo geL IIm Lo do unvLIIng Is Lo LeII IIm Ie's Loo
oId."

6. Smoke Alurm

AL Ier IuLIer's wuke, u womun LoId Ier prIesL LIuL
ever sInce sIe wus u cIIId, sIe und Ier dud Iud
dIscussed IIIe uILer deuLI. TIev Iud ugreed LIuL
wIoever wenL IIrsL wouId conLucL LIe oLIer. He dIed
In Ier Iome, und u Iew duvs uILer IIs deuLI LIe
smoke uIurm In Ier guruge wenL oII. SIe Iud IIved
LIere z8 veurs und IL Iud never gone oII beIore. SIe
couIdn'L Lurn IL oII so Iud Lo cuII LIe securILv
compunv LIuL InsLuIIed IL.

TIe nexL mornIng IL wenL oII uguIn und sIe IIgured
IL ouL - "Ok dud, mIssed vour sIgnuI vesLerduv, buL
geL IL now!" sIe suId, "TIunks Ior IeLLIng me know
LIuL vou ure suIe on LIe oLIer sIde. Now Lurn LIe
LIIng oII so don'L Iuve Lo cuII LIe securILv
compunv uguIn."

TIe uIurm ImmedIuLeIv sLopped, und sIe cuIIed LIe
prIesL Lo LeII IIm oI LIe good news. He repIIed,
"Deur Iudv, II everv LIme vour IuLIer sends vou u
messuge, IL seLs oII LIe smoke uIurm, jusL wIere do
vou LIInk Ie's cuIIIng Irom?"

6S. Whut Time Is It?

ExIuusLed Irom drIvIng, u LruveIIng suIesmun
sLopped In LIIs one Lown, und puIIed over Lo geL un
Iour or Lwo oI sIeep. BuL, us Iuck wouId Iuve IL, LIe
quIeL pIuce Ie cIose Iuppened Lo be one oI LIe
sLreeLs LIuL LIe mujorILv oI LIe LownspeopIe used Lo
Luke LIeIr duIIv run.

TIe suIesmun Iud bureIv puIIed over, und goLLen
comIorLubIe wIen u jogger wus knockIng on IIs
26
wIndow, uskIng, "Excuse me, buL do vou Iuve LIe
LIme?"

TIe mun Iooked uL LIe cur cIock und unswered,
"8:1=."

TIe jogger suId LIunks und IeIL.

TIe mun seLLIed buck uguIn, und wus jusL dozIng oII
wIen LIere wus unoLIer knock on LIe wIndow und
unoLIer jogger. "Excuse me, sIr, do vou Iuve LIe
LIme?"

"8:z=!"

TIe jogger suId LIunks und IeIL.

Now, LIe mun couId see oLIer joggers pussIng bv
und Ie knew IL wus onIv u muLLer oI LIme beIore
unoLIer one wouId be dIsLurbed IIm. HopIng Lo
soIve IIs probIem Ie Look ouL u pen und puper und
puL u sIgn In IIs wIndow suvIng, " do noL know LIe
LIme!"

AguIn Ie seLLIed buck Lo sIeep, und wus jusL dozIng
oII wIen LIere wus unoLIer knock on LIe wIndow.

"SIr, sIr? L's 8:q=!"

6n. The City Slicker

TIe cILv-sIIcker decIded Lo go Lo u dude runcI Lo
rIde IIs IIrsL Iorse.

As LIe InsLrucLor wus goIng over evervLIIng, LIe
cILv-sIIcker usked Iow mucI IL wouId cosL Lo rIde.
"IILv doIIurs Ior LIe IIrsL Iour", wus LIe
InsLrucLor's repIv.

TIe cILv-sIIcker excIuImed, "You musL be puLLIng
me on"!

"No", suId LIe InsLrucLor, "TIuL wouId be unoLIer
LwenLv-IIve doIIurs."

o. Stronu Mun

TIe IocuI bur wus so sure LIuL ILs burLender wus LIe
sLrongesL mun uround LIuL LIev oIIered u sLundIng
$1,ooo beL. TIe burLender wouId squeeze u Iemon
unLII uII LIe juIce run InLo u gIuss, und Iund LIe
Iemon Lo u puLron. Anvone wIo couId squeeze one
more drop oI juIce ouL wouId wIn LIe monev.

Munv peopIe Iud LrIed over LIme (weIgIL IIILers,
IongsIoremen, eLc.) buL nobodv couId do IL.

One duv, u scruwnv IILLIe mun cume In, weurIng
LIIck gIusses und u poIvesLer suIL, und suId In u LInv,
squeukv voIce, "'d IIke Lo Lrv LIe beL."

AILer LIe IuugILer Iud dIed down, LIe burLender
suId OK, grubbed u Iemon, und squeezed uwuv. He
LIen Iunded LIe wrInkIed remuIns oI LIe rInd Lo LIe
IILLIe mun.

BuL LIe crowd's IuugILer Lurned Lo LoLuI sIIence us
LIe mun cIencIed IIs IIsL uround LIe Iemon und sIx
drops IeII InLo LIe gIuss.

As LIe crowd cIeered, LIe burLender puId LIe
$1,ooo, und usked LIe IILLIe mun, "wIuL do vou do
Ior u IIvIng? Are vou u Iumberjuck, u weIgILIIILer, or
wIuL?"

TIe mun repIIed, " work Ior LIe RS."

1. Pruise the Lord!

Mv grundmoLIer, wIo IIved In Tucson, wus weII-
known Ior Ier IuILI und Iuck oI reLIcence In LuIkIng
ubouL IL. SIe wouId go ouL on LIe IronL porcI und
suv, "PruIse LIe ord!"

Her nexL door neIgIbor wouId sIouL buck, "TIere
uIn'L no ord!"

DurIng LIose duvs, mv grundmoLIer wus verv poor,
so LIe neIgIbor decIded Lo prove IIs poInL bv
buvIng u Iurge bug oI grocerIes und pIucIng IL uL Ier
door.
TIe nexL mornIng, GrundmoLIer wenL Lo LIe porcI
und, seeIng LIe grocerIes, suId, "PruIse LIe ord!"

TIe neIgIbor sLepped ouL Irom beIInd u Lree und
suId, " brougIL LIose grocerIes, und LIere uIn'L no
ord."

GrundmoLIer repIIed, "ord, vou noL onIv senL me
Iood buL vou mude LIe devII puv Ior IL."
27
. Pills

DocLor: "Tuke LIe green pIII wILI u gIuss oI wuLer
wIen vou geL up. Tuke LIe bIue pIII wILI u gIuss oI
wuLer uILer IuncI. TIen jusL beIore goIng Lo bed,
Luke LIe red pIII wILI unoLIer gIuss oI wuLer."

Mun: "ExucLIv wIuL's mv probIem, doc?"

DocLor: "You're noL drInkIng enougI wuLer."

. Goidunce

A JewIsI busInessmun wus In u greuL deuI oI
LroubIe. HIs busIness wus uIIIng, Ie Iud puL
evervLIIng Ie Iud InLo LIe busIness, Ie owed
evervbodv IL wus so bud Ie wus even conLempIuLIng
suIcIde. As u IusL resorL Ie wenL Lo u RubbI und
poured ouL IIs sLorv oI Leurs und woe.

WIen Ie Iud IInIsIed, LIe RubbI suId, "Here's wIuL
wunL vou Lo do: PuL u beucI cIuIr und vour BIbIe
In vour cur und drIve down Lo LIe beucI. Tuke LIe
beucI cIuIr und LIe BIbIe Lo LIe wuLer's edge, sIL
down In LIe beucI cIuIr, und puL LIe BIbIe In vour
Iup. Open LIe BIbIe; LIe wInd wIII rIIIe LIe puges,
buL IInuIIv LIe open BIbIe wIII come Lo resL on u
puge. ook down uL LIe puge und reud LIe IIrsL
LIIng vou see. TIuL wIII be vour unswer, LIuL wIII
LeII vou wIuL Lo do."

A veur IuLer LIe busInessmun wenL buck Lo LIe
RubbI und brougIL IIs wIIe und cIIIdren wILI IIm.
TIe mun wus In u new cusLom-LuIIored suIL, IIs wIIe
In u mInk couL, LIe cIIIdren sIInIng. TIe
busInessmun puIIed un enveIope sLuIIed wILI
monev ouL oI IIs pockeL, guve IL Lo LIe RubbI us u
donuLIon In LIunks Ior IIs udvIce.

TIe RubbI recognIzed LIe beneIucLor, und wus
curIous. "You dId us suggesLed?" Ie usked.

"AbsoIuLeIv," repIIed LIe busInessmun.

"You wenL Lo LIe beucI?"

"AbsoIuLeIv."

"You suL In u beucI cIuIr wILI LIe BIbIe In vour
Iup?"

"AbsoIuLeIv."
"You IeL LIe puges rIIIe unLII LIev sLopped?"

"AbsoIuLeIv."

"And wIuL were LIe IIrsL words vou suw?"

"CIupLer 11."

A. Corse

An oId mun goes Lo LIe WIzurd Lo usk IIm II Ie cun
remove u curse Ie Ius been IIvIng wILI Ior LIe IusL
qo veurs.

TIe WIzurd suvs, "Muvbe, buL vou wIII Iuve Lo LeII
me LIe exucL words LIuL were used Lo puL LIe curse
on vou."

TIe oId mun suvs wILIouL IesILuLIon, " now
pronounce vou mun und wIIe."

=. Reully Rotten Homor

TIe veLerInurIun LoId LIe bIonde LIuL Ier dog
needed some exercIse. You need Lo muke sure LIe
dog runs uround, LIe docLor suId. Trv pIuvIng u
gume oI IeLcI LIe buII.

" cun'L pIuv IeLcI wILI mv dog," LIe bIonde suId.

"WIv noL?" LIe docLor usked.

"Becuuse," sIe repIIed, "He cun'L LIrow, duI."

6. Prove It

Two drunken men were on LIe Lop oI LIe EmpIre
SLuLe BuIIdIng. TIe IIrsL mun LeIIs LIe second mun
LIuL II Ie jumps oII, Ie wIII be sucked buck In on
LIe LenLI IIoor. NoL beIIevIng, LIe second mun LeIIs
IIm Lo prove IL.

TIe IIrsL mun jumps, und sure enougI, Ie geLs
sucked buck In LIe LenLI IIoor. AILer reLurnIng Lo
LIe rooI, Ie suId, "Okuv, now IL's vour Lurn." So, LIe
second mun jumped und IeII Lo IIs deuLI.

WIen LIe poIIce urrIved, LIev quesLIoned LIe IIrsL
mun. "Now LeII us wIuL Iuppened uguIn,
Supermun?"
28
. Biu Spender

NuLIun RoLIscIIId, LIe nIneLeenLI-cenLurv bunker
Irom ondon, wus known us one oI LIe greuLesL
IInuncIers oI LIe worId, buL Ie wus uIso known Ior
IIs exLreme sLIngIness.

WIen Ie sLepped ouL oI u Iunsom one duv, LIe
drIver suId: "You know, sIr, vou duugILer gIves
mucI IIgIer LIps LIun vou do".

WILIouL LurnIng uround RoLIscIIId unswered:
"WeII, sIe cun uIIord Lo; sIe Ius u rIcI IuLIer".

S. Lesson to the Teucher

Sundv begun u job us un eIemenLurv scIooI
counseIor und sIe wus euger Lo IeIp. One duv
durIng recess sIe noLIced u gIrI sLundIng bv IerseII
on one sIde oI u pIuvIng IIeId wIIIe LIe resL oI LIe
kIds enjoved u gume oI soccer uL LIe oLIer.

Sundv upproucIed und usked II sIe wus uII rIgIL.

TIe gIrI suId sIe wus.

A IILLIe wIIIe IuLer, Iowever, Sundv noLIced LIe gIrI
wus In LIe sume spoL, sLIII bv IerseII.

ApproucIIng uguIn, Sundv oIIered, "WouId vou IIke
me Lo be vour IrIend?"

TIe gIrI IesILuLed, LIen suId, "Okuv," IookIng uL LIe
womun suspIcIousIv.

eeIIng sIe wus mukIng progress, Sundv LIen
usked, "WIv ure vou sLundIng Iere uII uIone?"

"Becuuse," LIe IILLIe gIrI suId wILI greuL
exusperuLIon, "'m LIe gouIIe!"

n. The oors

TIIs guv dIes und Is senL Lo HeII. SuLun meeLs IIm
und sIows IIm LIe doors Lo LIree rooms und suvs
Ie musL cIoose one oI LIe rooms Lo spend eLernILv
In.

So SuLun opens LIe IIrsL door. n LIe room LIere ure
peopIe sLundIng In cow munure up Lo LIeIr necks.
TIe guv suvs "No, pIeuse sIow me LIe nexL room".
SuLun sIows IIm LIe nexL room und LIIs Ius peopIe
wILI cow munure up Lo LIeIr noses. And so Ie suvs
no uguIn.

InuIIv, SuLun sIows IIm LIe LIIrd und IInuI room.
TIIs LIme LIere ure peopIe In LIere wILI cow
munure up Lo LIeIr knees drInkIng cups oI Leu und
euLIng cukes.

So LIe guv suvs, "'II cIoose LIIs room".

SuLun suvs O.K.

TIe guv Is sLundIng In LIere euLIng IIs cuke und
drInkIng IIs Leu LIInkIng, "WeII, IL couId be worse",
wIen LIe door opens.

SuLun pops IIs Ieud uround, und suvs "O.K. Leu-
breuk Is over. Buck on vour Ieuds!"

So. Husty OIIicer

A poIIce oIIIcer In u smuII Lown sLopped u moLorIsL
wIo wus speedIng down MuIn SLreeL.

"BuL, oIIIcer," LIe mun begun, " cun expIuIn"

"JusL be quIeL," snupped LIe oIIIcer. "'m goIng Lo
IeL vou cooI vour IeeIs In juII unLII LIe cIIeI geLs
buck."

"BuL, oIIIcer, jusL wunLed Lo suv"

"And suId Lo keep quIeL! You're goIng Lo juII!"
A Iew Iours IuLer LIe oIIIcer Iooked In on IIs
prIsoner und suId, "uckv Ior vou LIuL LIe cIIeI's uL
IIs duugILer's weddIng. He'II be In u good mood
wIen Ie geLs buck."

"Don'L counL on IL," unswered LIe IeIIow In LIe ceII.
"'m LIe groom."

S1. Heuvenly Qoiz

RecenLIv u LeucIer, u gurbuge coIIecLor, und u
Iuwver wound up LogeLIer uL LIe PeurIv GuLes. SL.
PeLer InIormed LIem LIuL In order Lo geL InLo
Heuven, LIev wouId eucI Iuve Lo unswer one
quesLIon.
29
SL. PeLer uddressed LIe LeucIer und usked, "WIuL
wus LIe nume oI LIe sIIp LIuL crusIed InLo LIe
Iceberg? TIev jusL mude u movIe ubouL IL."

TIe LeucIer unswered quIckIv, "TIuL wouId be LIe
TILunIc." SL. PeLer IeL IIm LIrougI LIe guLe.

SL. PeLer Lurned Lo LIe gurbuge mun und, IIgurIng
Heuven dIdn'L reuIIv need uII LIe odors LIuL LIIs
guv wouId brIng wILI IIm, decIded Lo muke LIe
quesLIon u IILLIe Iurder: "How munv peopIe dIed on
LIe sIIp?"

orLunuLeIv Ior IIm, LIe LrusI mun Iud jusL seen
LIe movIe. "1,zz8," Ie unswered.

"TIuL's rIgIL! You muv enLer."

SL. PeLer Lurned Lo LIe Iuwver. "Nume LIem."

S. rink Lp

A new sLudv bv LIe AmerIcun HeurL AssocIuLIon
Iound LIuL us IILLIe us u sIngIe gIuss oI wIne or beer
per week couId sIgnIIIcunLIv reduce u mun's rIsk oI
u sLroke.

And 1o or 1z u nIgIL keeps vou Irom curIng even II
vou DO Iuve u sLroke.

S. Common Knowledue

worked In LIe bIoIogv depurLmenL uL BuIIuIo SLuLe
CoIIege In New York. TIe GreuL ukes uboruLorv,
uIso sLuLIoned uL LIe coIIege, empIoved u IIcensed
bouL cupLuIn Lo mun ILs reseurcI vesseI.

L wus common knowIedge LIuL LIe cupLuIn couIdn'L
swIm. WIen newcomers Ieurned oI LIIs, LIev wouId
upproucI IIm ubouL IL.

"s IL Lrue?" one oI LIem usked IncreduIousIv. "You,
u bouL cupLuIn, cun'L swIm?"

"No, cun'L," Ie repIIed. "Cun pIIoLs IIv?"

SA. Blond Louic

AL u pIurmucv, u bIonde usked Lo use LIe InIunL
scuIe Lo weIgI LIe bubv sIe IeId In Ier urms. TIe
cIerk expIuIned LIuL LIe devIce wus ouL Ior repuIrs,
buL suId LIuL sIe wouId IIgure LIe InIunL's weIgIL bv
weIgIIng LIe womun und bubv LogeLIer on LIe uduIL
scuIe, LIen weIgIIng LIe moLIer uIone und
subLrucLIng LIe second umounL Irom LIe IIrsL.

"TIuL won'L work," counLered LIe womun. "'m noL
LIe moLIer, 'm LIe uunL."

S=. Strict Policy

ExpIuInIng LIeIr poIIcv on noL cusIIng cIecks Ior
peopIe wIo don'L Iuve uccounLs wILI LIeIr bunk, LIe
LeIIer suId, "WIv II Ie dIdn'L Iuve un uccounL Iere,
wouIdn'L cusI u cIeck Ior mv own broLIer."

TIe IruLe cusLomer repIIed, "WeII... vou know vour
IumIIv u IoL beLLer LIun do."

S6. Phone Line

A voung busInessmun Iud jusL sLurLed IIs own IIrm.
He Iud jusL renLed u beuuLIIuI oIIIce und Iud IL
IurnIsIed wILI unLIques.

He suw u mun come InLo LIe ouLer oIIIce. WIsIIng
Lo uppeur LIe IoL sIoL, LIe busInessmun pIcked up
LIe pIone und sLurLed Lo preLend Ie Iud u bIg deuI
workIng. He LIrew Iuge IIgures uround und mude
gIunL commILmenLs.

InuIIv Ie Iung up und usked LIe vIsILor, "Cun
IeIp vou?"

"YeuI, 've come Lo ucLIvuLe vour pIone IInes."

S. Hobbyhorse

A grundIuLIer bougIL u IobbvIorse bv muII order
us u CIrIsLmus presenL Ior IIs grundduugILer.

TIe Lov urrIved In 18 pIeces. TIe InsLrucLIons suId
LIuL IL couId be puL LogeLIer In un Iour. However IL
Look LIe oId mun Lwo duvs Lo ussembIe LIe Lov.

InuIIv, wIen IL wus uII puL LogeLIer, Ie wroLe u
cIeck, cuL IL InLo 18 pIeces und posLed IL oII Lo LIe
compunv.

SS. Strunded

A rencImun, un EngIIsImun, und u New Yorker
were sLrunded on un IsIund popuIuLed bv peopIe
30
wIo'd been sLrunded LIere Ior veurs, und resuILed
Lo cunnIbuIIsm.

TIe cIIeI, beIng u IuIr guv, LoId LIe LIree oI LIem,
"We're goIng Lo euL vou und muke u cunoe ouL oI
vour skIn Lo geL LIe IeII ouL oI Iere, buL we'II IeL
vou decIde Iow vou dIe."

TIe rencImun sLood und suId, " vunL ze sword!"
So Ie wus run LIrougI.

TIe EngIIsImun sLood up und suId, " suv, beIIeve
sIuII joIIv weII Luke LIe pIsLoI." So Ie wus sIoL In
LIe Ieud.

TIe New Yorker jusL suL LIere und suId, "YeuI,
wunL u Iork."

ConIused, buL ugreeIng noneLIeIess, Ie wus gIven u
Iork. QuIckIv goIng InLo ucLIon, LIe New Yorker
sLurLed IurIousIv sLubbIng IImseII evervwIere,
neck, urms, evervwIere.

SLurLIed LIuL unvone wouId wunL Lo dIe IIke LIIs, LIe
cIIeI veIIed ouL "WIuL's LIe muLLer wILI vou!?"
"As Ie dIed, LIe New Yorker suId "Good Iuck wILI
vour cunoe!"

Sn. Chorch

On vucuLIon wILI Ier IumIIv In MonLunu, u moLIer
drove Ier vun pusL u cIurcI In u smuII Lown und
poInLIng Lo IL, LoId LIe cIIIdren LIuL IL wus SL.
Andrews CIurcI. JusL LIen, Ier voung son pIped
up, "L musL be u IruncIIse, we've goL one oI LIose
In our Lown Loo."

no. The GiIt

AILer beIng uwuv on busIness, TIm LIougIL IL wouId
be nIce Lo brIng IIs wIIe u IILLIe gIIL.

"How ubouL some perIume?" Ie usked LIe cosmeLIcs
cIerk. SIe sIowed IIm u $=o.oo boLLIe. "TIuL's u bIL
mucI," suId TIm.

SIe reLurned wILI u smuIIer boLLIe Ior $o.oo.
"TIuL's sLIII quILe u bIL," TIm compIuIned.

GrowIng unnoved, LIe cIerk brougIL ouL u LInv
$1=.oo boLLIe.
"WIuL meun," suId TIm, "Is 'd IIke Lo see
someLIIng reuIIv cIeup."

TIe cIerk Iunded IIm u mIrror.

n1. Wise Schoolteucher

A wIse scIooILeucIer sends LIIs noLe Lo uII purenLs
on LIe IIrsL duv oI scIooI:

"I vou promIse noL Lo beIIeve evervLIIng vour cIIId
suvs Iuppens uL scIooI, 'II promIse noL Lo beIIeve
evervLIIng Ie suvs Iuppens uL Iome"

n. Pitcher

A rookIe pILcIer wus sLruggIIng uL LIe mound, so
LIe cuLcIer wuIked ouL Lo Iuve u LuIk wILI IIm.

"'ve IIgured ouL vour probIem," Ie LoId LIe voung
souLIpuw.

"You uIwuvs seem Lo Iose conLroI uL LIe sume poInL
In everv gume."

"WIen Is LIuL?" usked LIe kId.

"RIgIL uILer LIe NuLIonuI AnLIem."

n. Comu Revelution

TIe womun's Iusbund Iud been sIIppIng In und ouL
oI u comu Ior severuI monLIs, veL sIe Iud sLuved bv
IIs bedsIde everv sIngIe duv.

One duv, wIen Ie cume Lo, Ie moLIoned Ior Ier Lo
come neurer.

As sIe suL bv IIm, Ie wIIspered, eves IuII oI Leurs,
"You know wIuL? You Iuve been wILI me uII
LIrougI LIe bud LImes. WIen goL IIred, vou were
LIere Lo supporL me. WIen mv busIness IuIIed, vou
were LIere. WIen goL sIoL, vou were bv mv sIde.
WIen we IosL LIe Iouse, vou sLuved rIgIL Iere.
WIen mv IeuILI sLurLed IuIIIng, vou were sLIII bv
mv sIde. And vou know wIuL?"

"WIuL deur?" SIe genLIv usked, smIIIng us Ier IeurL
begun Lo IIII wILI wurmLI.

" LIInk vou're bud Iuck."
31
nA. Gourdiun Anuel

A Mun wus wuIkIng down u sLreeL wIen Ie Ieurd u
voIce Irom beIInd: "I vou Luke one more sLep, u
brIck wIII IuII down on vour Ieud und kIII vou."

TIe mun sLopped und u bIg brIck IeII rIgIL In IronL
oI IIm. TIe mun wus usLonIsIed. He wenL on, und
uILer u wIIIe Ie wus goIng Lo cross LIe roud.

Once uguIn LIe voIce sIouLed: "SLop! SLund sLIII! I
vou Luke one more sLep u cur wIII run over vou, und
vou wIII dIe." TIe mun dId us Ie wus InsLrucLed,
jusL us u cur cume cureenIng uround LIe corner,
bureIv mIssIng IIm.

"WIere ure vou?" LIe mun usked. "WIo ure vou?"

" um vour guurdIun ungeI," LIe voIce unswered.

"OI, veuI?" LIe mun usked. "And wIere were vou
wIen goL murrIed".

n=. Absentminded

A mun wus on IIs wuv Iome wILI u new cur, wIIcI
wus ubsorbIng uII IIs uLLenLIon, wIen IL sLruck IIm
LIuL Ie Iud IorgoLLen someLIIng. TwIce Ie sLopped,
counLed IIs purceIs, seurcIed IIs pockeLs, buL
IInuIIv decIded Ie Iud evervLIIng wILI IIm. YeL LIe
IeeIIng persIsLed.

WIen Ie reucIed Iome IIs duugILer run ouL,
sLopped sIorL, und crIed, "Duddv, wIere's
Mommv?"

n6. Model Imployees

A Iurge corporuLIon recenLIv IIred severuI
cunnIbuIs.

"You ure uII purL oI our Leum now," suId LIe Humun
Resources rep durIng LIe weIcomIng brIeIIng. "You
geL uII oI LIe usuuI beneIILs und vou cun go Lo LIe
cuIeLerIu Ior someLIIng Lo euL, buL pIeuse do noL euL
unv oI LIe oLIer empIovees."

TIe cunnIbuIs promIsed LIuL LIev wouId noL.

our weeks IuLer LIeIr boss remurked, "You're uII
workIng verv Iurd und 'm verv suLIsIIed wILI vou.
However, one oI our secreLurIes Ius dIsuppeured.
Do unv oI vou know wIuL Iuppened Lo Ier?"

TIe cunnIbuIs uII sIook LIeIr Ieuds "No".

AILer LIe boss IeIL, LIe Ieuder oI LIe cunnIbuIs suId
Lo LIe oLIers, "WIIcI one oI vou IdIoLs uLe LIe
secreLurv?"

A Iund rose IesILunLIv, Lo wIIcI LIe Ieuder oI LIe
cunnIbuIs sIouLed, "You IooI!!! or Iour weeks
we've been euLIng munugers und no one noLIced
unvLIIng! BuL nooooo, vou Iud Lo go und euL
someone ImporLunL!"

n. Jimmy's Birthduy GiIt

JImmv receIved u purroL Ior IIs bIrLIduv. TIe
purroL wus IuIIv grown, wILI u verv bud uLLILude und
worse vocubuIurv. Everv oLIer word wus u sweur
word; LIose LIuL weren'L cursIng were verv rude.

JImmv LrIed Lo cIunge LIe bIrd's uLLILude bv
consLunLIv suvIng poIILe words, pIuvIng soIL musIc-
unvLIIng Ie couId LIInk oI. NoLIIng worked.

He LIen LrIed veIIIng uL LIe bIrd, buL LIe bIrd goL
worse. He sIook LIe bIrd, und LIe bIrd goL mudder
und ruder.

InuIIv, In u momenL oI desperuLIon, JImmv puL LIe
purroL In LIe Ireezer. or u Iew momenLs Ie Ieurd
LIe bIrd sweurIng, squuwkIng, kIckIng und
screumIng und LIen, suddenIv, LIere wus ubsoIuLe
quIeL.

JImmv wus IrIgILened LIuL Ie mIgIL Iuve ucLuuIIv
IurL LIe bIrd, und quIckIv opened LIe Ireezer door.
TIe purroL cuImIv sLepped ouL onLo JImmv's
exLended urm und suId, "'m sorrv LIuL oIIended
vou wILI mv Iunguuge und mv ucLIons, und usk
vour IorgIveness. wIII endeuvor Lo correcL mv
beIuvIor".

JImmv wus usLounded uL LIe cIunges In LIe bIrd's
uLLILude und wus ubouL Lo usk wIuL Iud cIunged
IIm, wIen LIe purroL conLInued, "Muv usk wIuL
LIe CIIcken dId?"
32
nS. Sensory Assuolt

TIe Irugrunce depurLmenL oI u mujor New York CILv
sLore wIere sIop Is uIwuvs pusIIng LIe IuLesL
scenLs. ALLrucLIve modeIs move ubouL LIe IIoor
oIIerIng Lo spruv cusLomers wILI LIe newesL
bouqueL.

One duv, ouLsIde LIe sLore's resLuurunL, u modeI
spruved Lwo women wIo Iud jusL IInIsIed LIeIr
IuncI. WIen one womun commenLed LIuL LIe
perIume wus Loo sLrong, LIe modeI repIIed, "TIe
Irugrunce wIII be soILer once IL drIes und LIe uIcoIoI
weurs oII."

"See!" Ier IrIend cIIded. " LoId vou noL Lo Iuve
LIuL second drInk."

nn. The ShopliIter

WIIIe In u verv excIusIve jeweIrv sLore, LIe
sIopIIILer wus cuugIL uLLempLIng Lo sLeuI u wuLcI.

"ook," suId LIe sIopIIILer, "NeILIer oI us wunL unv
LroubIe. How ubouL jusL buv LIe wuLcI und we cun
IorgeL uII ubouL LIIs?"

AgreeIng, LIe munuger mude up u suIes sIIp. TIe
sIopIIILer Iooked uL LIe sIIp und suId, "AcLuuIIv, LIIs
Is u IILLIe more LIun Iud InLended Lo spend. CouId
vou sIow me someLIIng u IILLIe Iess expensIve?"

1oo. Crime & Ponishment

A womun wus Iound guIILv In LruIIIc courL und wIen
usked Ior Ier occupuLIon sIe suId sIe wus u
scIooILeucIer. TIe judge rose Irom LIe bencI.

"Mudum, Iuve wuILed veurs Ior u scIooILeucIer Lo
uppeur beIore LIIs courL." He smIIed wILI deIIgIL.
"Now sIL down uL LIuL LubIe und wrILe, " wIII noL
run u red IIgIL' IIve Iundred LImes."

1o1. Old Aue

JusL beIore LIe IuneruI servIces, LIe underLuker
cume up Lo LIe verv eIderIv wIdow und usked, "How
oId wus vour Iusbund?"

"8," sIe repIIed. "Two veurs oIder LIun me."
"So vou're 6," LIe underLuker commenLed. "HurdIv
worLI goIng Iome, Isn'L IL?"

1o. Bill Gutes

wus In LIe VP Iounge IusL week en rouLe Lo
SeuLLIe, wIen noLIced BIII GuLes sILLIng on LIe
coucI enjovIng u cognuc. wus meeLIng u verv
ImporLunL cIIenL LIuL wus uIso IIvIng Lo SeuLLIe wILI
me, buL sIe wus runnIng u bIL IuLe.

BeIng LIe IuIrIv Iorwurd person um, upproucIed
Mr. GuLes und InLroduced mvseII. expIuIned LIuL
wus conducLIng some verv ImporLunL busIness, und
Iow wouId reuIIv upprecIuLe IL II Ie couId LIrow u
quIck 'HeIIo CIrIs' uL me wIIIe wus wILI mv cIIenL.
He ugreed.

Ten mInuLes IuLer wIen wus conversIng wILI mv
cIIenL, IeIL u Lup on mv sIouIder. L wus BIII GuLes.
Lurned uround und Iooked up uL IIm.

He suId, "Hev CIrIs, wIuL's IuppenIng?"

repIIed, "NoL now GuLes. 'm In u meeLIng."

1o. Short Trip

AL u recenL compuLer soILwure engIneerIng course,
LIe purLIcIpunLs were gIven un uwkwurd quesLIon Lo
unswer, "I vou Iud jusL bourded un uIrIIner und
dIscovered LIuL vour Leum oI progrummers were
responsIbIe Ior LIe IIIgIL conLroI soILwure, Iow
munv oI vou wouId dIsemburk ImmedIuLeIv?"

Among LIe ensuIng IoresL oI ruIsed Iunds onIv one
mun suL moLIonIess. WIen usked wIuL Ie wouId do,
Ie repIIed LIuL Ie wouId be quILe conLenL Lo sLuv
ubourd. WILI IIs Leum's soILwure, Ie suId, LIe pIune
wus unIIkeIv Lo even LuxI us Iur us LIe runwuv, IeL
uIone Luke oII.

1oA. Goess Who?

A guv wuIks InLo u posL oIIIce one duv Lo see u
mIddIe-uged, buIdIng mun sLundIng uL LIe counLer
meLIodIcuIIv pIucIng "ove" sLumps on brIgIL pInk
enveIopes wILI IeurLs uII over LIem. He LIen Lukes
ouL u perIume boLLIe und sLurLs spruvIng scenL uII
over LIem. HIs curIosILv geLs LIe beLLer oI IIm und
Ie goes up Lo LIe buIdIng mun und usks IIm wIuL
Ie's doIng.
33
"'m sendIng ouL 1,ooo Iove IeLLers sIgned, 'Guess
wIo?'"

"BuL wIv?" usks LIe mun.

"'m u dIvorce Iuwver."

1o=. Heuvenly Home

A womun wus worrIed wIeLIer or noL Ier deud
Iusbund mude IL Lo Ieuven, so sIe decIded Lo Lrv Lo
conLucL IIs spIrIL bv IuvIng u sunce.

Sure enougI, uILer LIe usuuI mumbo-jumbo oI
cuIIIng Lo LIe spIrILs, Ier Iusbund's voIce wus Ieurd
unswerIng, "HeIIo MurgureL, LIIs Is meeee..."

"red," sIe unswered. " jusL Iuve Lo know II vou're
Iuppv LIere In LIe uILerIIIe. WIuL's IL IIke LIere?"

"OoooooI, IL's mucI more beuuLIIuI Iere LIun ever
ImugIned," red unswered. "TIe skv Is bIuer, LIe uIr
Is cIeuner, und LIe pusLures ure mucI more IusI
und green LIun ever expecLed. And LIe onIv LIIng
we do, uII duv Iong, ure euL und sIeep, euL und sIeep,
over und over."

"TIunk God, vou mude IL Lo Ieuven," IIs wIIe crIed.

"Heuven?" Ie unswered. "WIuL Ieuven? 'm u
buIIuIo In MonLunu."

1o6. esperute Pleu

TIe Governor mude room on IIs busv cuIendur Lo
Ieur LIe pIeus oI one Mrs. SmILI LIuL Ier Iusbund
be reIeused Irom LIe sLuLe penILenLIurv.

"WIuL wus Ie senLenced Ior?" usked LIe Governor
genLIv.

"or sLeuIIng u IouI oI breud," nervousIv repIIed LIe
oIIender's wIIe.

"s Ie u good Iusbund?"

"No," sIe repIIed IrunkIv, bIusIIng u bIL. "He beuLs
me wIen Ie geLs drunk, Ie buIIIes our cIIIdren, Ie's
unIuILIIuI, und reuIIv noL mucI good uL uII."
"L sounds Lo me us LIougI vou're beLLer oII wILIouL
IIm," suId LIe Governor. "WIv on eurLI do vou
wunL IIm ouL oI juII?"

"WeII," sIe expIuIned, "we're ouL oI breud uguIn."

1o. Clever ou

A wIIe suvs Lo Ier Iusbund one weekend mornIng,
"We've goL sucI u cIever dog. He brIngs In LIe duIIv
newspupers everv mornIng."

Her Iusbund repIIed, "WeII, IoLs oI dogs cun do
LIuL."

TIe wIIe responded, "BuL we've never subscrIbed Lo
unv pupers!"

1oS. The Piu with the Wooden Leu

TIere wus u LourIsL on u Iurm und Ie usked LIe
Iurmer wIv one pIg Iud u wooden Ieg.

TIe Iurmer suId, "TIuL pIg Is LIe bruvesL pIg ever
suw."

"So wIv does Ie Iuve u wooden Ieg?" LIe LourIsL
usked.

"WeII one nIgIL our Iouse cuugIL on IIre. And Ie
cume InLo our Iouse und Ie woke us uII up."

"So," LIe LourIsL usked uguIn, "wIv does LIuL pIg
Iuve u wooden Ieg?"

"WeII, u pIg LIuL bruve vou cun'L euL uII uL once!"

1on. entul Philosophy

DenLIsL: "Trv Lo reIux. 'II puII LIuL ucIIng LooLI In
IIve mInuLes."

PuLIenL: "How mucI wIII LIIs cosL?"

DenLIsL: "L'II be $1oo."

PuLIenL: "TIuL mucI Ior jusL IIve mInuLes work?"

DenLIsL: "WeII II vou preIer, cun puII IL ouL verv
sIowIv."
34
11o. White Huir

One duv, u IILLIe gIrI Is sILLIng und wuLcIIng Ier
moLIer do LIe dIsIes uL LIe kILcIen sInk. SIe
suddenIv noLIces LIuL Ier moLIer Ius severuI
sLrunds oI wIILe IuIr sLIckIng ouL In conLrusL on Ier
bruneLLe Ieud.

SIe Iooks uL Ier moLIer und InquIsILIveIv usks,
"WIv ure some oI vour IuIrs wIILe, mom?"

Her moLIer repIIed, "WeII, everv LIme LIuL vou do
someLIIng wrong und muke me crv or unIuppv, one
oI mv IuIrs Lurns wIILe."

TIe IILLIe gIrI LIougIL ubouL LIIs reveIuLIon Ior u
wIIIe, und LIen suId, "Mommu, Iow come uII oI
grundmu's IuIrs ure wIILe?"

111. Live To Be A Hondred

A mun usked IIs docLor II Ie LIougIL Ie'd IIve Lo be
u Iundred.

TIe docLor usked LIe mun, "Do vou smoke or
drInk?"

"No," Ie repIIed, "'ve never done eILIer."

"Do vou gumbIe, drIve IusL curs, und IooI uround
wILI women?" InquIred LIe docLor.

"No, 've never done unv oI LIose LIIngs eILIer."

"WeII LIen," suId LIe docLor, "wIuL do vou wunL Lo
IIve Lo be u Iundred Ior?"

11. The Wronu Wuy

As u senIor cILIzen wus drIvIng down LIe Ireewuv,
IIs cur pIone rung.

AnswerIng, Ie Ieurd IIs wIIe's voIce urgenLIv
wurnIng IIm, "Hermun, jusL Ieurd on LIe news
LIuL LIere's u cur goIng LIe wrong wuv on RouLe
z8o. PIeuse be cureIuI!"

"L's noL jusL one cur," suId Hermun, "L's Iundreds
oI LIem!"
11. Jost Keep rinkinu!

A guv wuIks InLo u bur, sILs down und suvs Lo LIe
burLender, "QuIck pour me LweIve drInks." So LIe
burLender pours IIm LweIve sIoLs und LIe guv sLurLs
sIooLIng LIem buck reuIIv IusL, one uILer unoLIer.
TIe burLender suvs Lo LIe guv, "Bov vou ure
drInkIng LIose drInks reuIIv IusL."

TIe guvs suvs, "WeII, vou wouId be drInkIng reuIIv
IusL Loo II vou Iud wIuL 've goL."

TIe burLender suvs, "WIuL've vou goL??"

TIe guv suvs, ";= cenLs."

11A. Iemule Bruin Cells

Once upon u LIme LIere wus u IemuIe bruIn ceII,
wIIcI bv mIsLuke Iuppened Lo end up In u mun's
Ieud.

SIe Iooked uround nervousIv, buL IL wus uII empLv
und quIeL.

"HeIIo?" sIe crIed, buL no unswer. "s LIere unvone
LIere?" sIe crIed u IILLIe Iouder, buL sLIII no unswer.

Now LIe IemuIe bruIn ceII sLurLed Lo IeeI uIone und
scured und veIIed uL LIe Lop oI Ier voIce, "HEO,
S THERE ANYONE THERE?"

TIen sIe Ieurd u IuInL voIce Irom Iur, Iur uwuv...

"We're down Iere!"

11=. The Price oI Politics

A coupIe oI opposIng cundIduLes Ior counLv oIIIce
Iuppened Lo be sILLIng nexL Lo eucI oLIer In LIe
IocuI dIner. One Lurned Lo LIe oLIer und suId, "You
know wIv 'm goIng Lo wIn LIIs eIecLIon? Becuuse oI
mv personuI LoucI.' or exumpIe, uIwuvs LIp
wuILresses reuIIv weII und LIen usk LIem Lo voLe Ior
me."

"OI, reuIIv?" repIIed LIe oLIer. " uIwuvs LIp LIem u
nIckeI und usk LIem Lo voLe Ior vou."
35
116. Iuther und Son Cumpinu Trip

A IILLIe bov und IIs dud wenL cumpIng. TIev
cIImbed u IIII und wenL LIrougI LIe woods Lo IInd
LIe perIecL spoL In u cIeurIng neur u sLreum. TIev
seL ubouL pILcIIng LIe LenL. TIen LIev wenL IIsIIng,
cuugIL some IIsI, IrIed LIem on un open IIre, LIen
beIng LIred cIImbed InLo LIe LenL Lo go Lo sIeep.

n LIe mIddIe oI LIe nIgIL, LIe IILLIe bov veIIed,
"Dud, Dud, wuke up!" WIen LIe dud IInuIIv goL IIs
eves opened LIe IILLIe bov excIuImed, "Dud, Iook up.
WIuL do vou see?"

TIe dud Iooked up und suId, "WIv, Son, see
mIIIIons upon mIIIIons oI gIeumIng sLurs." TIe IILLIe
bov suId, "BuL, Dud, wIuL do vou see??!!" TIe dud
IIgured Ie needed Lo be u bIL more pIIIosopIIcuI
wILI LIe bov. So, Ie suId, "WIv, Son, see LIuL we
ure buL u mInuLe purLIcIe In u vusL, unendIng
unIverse LIuL God Ius mude Ior us Lo sIure In."

TIe IILLIe bov sIgIed deepIv und suId, "OI, Dud?!!"
TIe dud suId, "WeII, wIuL do vou see, Son?" TIe
IILLIe bov suId, " see LIuL someone Ius Luken our
LenL!!!"

11. Pruyers

ILLIe JoInnv wus soILIv suvIng IIs nIgIL pruvers
kneeIIng down, und IIs moLIer wus besIde IIm.

"Suv vour pruvers Iouder, durIIng, cun'L Ieur vou,"
suId IILLIe JoInnv's moLIer.

"BuL 'm noL LuIkIng Lo vou" wus LIe InsLunL repIv.

11S. Shurinu

A rencImun, un EngIIsImun, un AmerIcun mun,
und u Iuwver were sILLIng on u LruIn.

TIe rencImun oIIered evervone some oI IIs
bugueLLe, LIen LIrew IL ouL LIe wIndow, suvIng,
"Don'L worrv - we Iuve pIenLv oI LIose wIere
come Irom."

TIe EngIIsImun oIIered evervone u crumpeL, LIen
LIrew LIe resL ouL oI LIe wIndow, suvIng, "Don'L
worrv - we Iuve pIenLv oI LIose wIere come
Irom."
TIen LIe AmerIcun LIrew LIe Iuwver ouL LIe
wIndow, suvIng...

11n. Ancient Coltores

Burburu WuILers dId u sLorv on gender roIes In
KuwuIL severuI veurs beIore LIe GuII Wur. SIe
noLed LIen LIuL women cusLomurIIv wuIked ubouL
1o IeeL beIInd LIeIr Iusbunds.

SIe reLurned Lo KuwuIL recenLIv und observed LIuL
LIe men now wuIked severuI vurds beIInd LIeIr
wIves.

Ms. WuILers upproucIed one oI LIe women und
suId, "TIIs Is murveIous.

Cun vou LeII me und LIe Iree worId jusL wIuL
enubIed women Iere Lo ucIIeve LIIs murveIous
reversuI oI roIes?"

"und mInes," suId LIe KuwuILI womun

1o. IBI Auent Ior Hire

men were uL LIe B BuIIdIng Ior u job InLervIew.

TIe IIrsL mun wuIked InLo LIe oIIIce. TIe
InLervIewIng B ugenL suId, "To be In LIe B, vou
musL be IovuI, dedIcuLed, und gIve us vour uII. Your
wIIe Is In LIe nexL room. wunL vou Lo go In LIere
und sIooL Ier wILI LIIs gun." TIe mun Look LIe
gun, IesILuLed, und suId, "Sorrv, cun'L do IL."

TIe nexL InLervIewee cume InLo LIe oIIIce. TIe
ugenL suId, "To be In LIe B, vou musL be IovuI,
dedIcuLed, und gIve us vour uII. Your wIIe Is In LIe
nexL room. wunL vou Lo go In LIere und sIooL Ier
wILI LIIs gun." TIe mun Look LIe gun, wuIked InLo
LIe room, LIen wuIked ouL. "Sorrv," Ie suId.

TIe IusL mun cume InLo LIe oIIIce. TIe InLervIewer
suId, "To be In LIe B vou musL be IovuI,
dedIcuLed, und gIve us vour uII. Your wIIe Is In LIe
nexL room. wunL vou Lo go In LIere und sIooL Ier
wILI LIIs gun." TIe mun Look LIe gun und wenL InLo
LIe room. TIe ugenL Ieurd 6 sIoLs, sIIence, LIen u
IoL oI screumIng.

TIe mun cume ouL oI LIe room und suId, "Someone
Iouded LIe gun wILI bIunks, so beuL Ier Lo deuLI
wILI LIe curLuIn ruIIIng!"
36
11. Three Men

TIree men were on u pIune, u preucIer, u IIppIe
und LIe smurLesL mun In LIe worId. TIe pIIoL Iud u
IeurL uLLucI und dIed, und LIe pIune sLurLed goIng
down. TIere were onIv Lwo purucIuLes, so LIe
smurLesL mun In LIe worId sLuLed LIuL LIe worId
needs IIm so Ie wus goIng IIrsL, und Ie buIIed ouL.
TIe preucIer LoId LIe IIppIe LIuL Ie Iud IIved u
Iong suLIsIvIng IIIe, und LoId LIe IIppIe Ie couId
Iuve LIe oLIer purucIuLe. TIe IIppIe LoId IIm LIuL
LIev couId boLI Iuve one becuuse LIe smurLesL mun
In LIe worId jumped ouL wILI IIs buckpuck.

1. Bur Boddies

A mun sLumbIes up Lo LIe onIv oLIer puLron In u bur
und usks II Ie couId buv IIm u drInk.

"WIv oI course", comes LIe repIv.

TIe IIrsL mun LIen usks: "WIere ure vou Irom?"

"'m Irom ScoLIund", repIIes LIe second mun.

TIe IIrsL mun responds: "You don'L suv, 'm Irom
ScoLIund Loo! eL's Iuve unoLIer round Lo
ScoLIund."

"OI Course", repIIes LIe second mun.

CurIous, LIe IIrsL mun LIen usks: "WIere In
ScoLIund ure vou Irom?"

"Aberdeen", comes LIe repIv.

" cun'L beIIeve IL", suvs LIe IIrsL mun. "'m Irom
Aberdeen Loo! eL's Iuve unoLIer drInk Lo
Aberdeen."

"OI course", repIIes LIe second mun.

CurIosILv uguIn sLrIkes und LIe IIrsL mun usks:
"WIuL scIooI dId vou go Lo?"

"SuInL Andrews", repIIes LIe second mun. "
gruduuLed In '6z."

"TIIs Is unbeIIevubIe!", LIe IIrsL mun suvs. " wenL
Lo SuInL Andrews und gruduuLed In '6z, Loo!"
AbouL LIuL LIme In comes one oI LIe reguIurs und
sILs down uL LIe bur.

"WIuL's been goIng on?", Ie usks LIe burLender

"NoLIIng mucI," repIIes LIe burLender. "TIe
MucCIvde LwIns ure drunk uguIn."

1. Where's Jesos?

A Sunduv ScIooI LeucIer oI pre-scIooIers wus
concerned LIuL IIs sLudenLs mIgIL be u IILLIe
conIused ubouL Jesus CIrIsL becuuse oI LIe
CIrIsLmus seuson empIusIs on HIs bIrLI. He
wunLed Lo muke sure LIev undersLood LIuL LIe bIrLI
oI Jesus occurred u Iong LIme ugo, LIuL He grew up,
eLc.

So Ie usked IIs cIuss, "WIere Is Jesus Loduv?"

SLeven ruIsed IIs Iund und suId, "He's In Ieuven."
Murv wus cuIIed on und unswered, "He's In mv
IeurL."

ILLIe JoInnv, wuvIng IIs Iund IurIousIv, bIurLed
ouL, " know! know! He's In our buLIroom!"

TIe wIoIe cIuss goL verv quIeL, Iooked uL LIe
LeucIer, und wuILed Ior u response. TIe LeucIer wus
compIeLeIv uL u Ioss Ior u Iew verv Iong seconds. He
IInuIIv guLIered IIs wILs und usked ILLIe JoInnv
Iow Ie knew LIIs.

ILLIe JoInnv suId, "WeII...everv mornIng, mv
IuLIer geLs up, bungs on LIe buLIroom door, und
veIIs 'Jesus CIrIsL, ure vou sLIII In LIere?'"

1A. Pupul Reqoest

AILer wuLcIIng suIes IuIIIng oII Ior LIree sLruIgIL
monLIs uL KenLuckv rIed CIIcken, LIe CoIoneI
cuIIs up LIe Pope und usks Ior u Iuvor.

TIe Pope suvs, "WIuL cun do?"

TIe CoIoneI suvs, " need vou Lo cIunge LIe duIIv
pruver Irom, 'GIve us LIIs duv our duIIv breud' Lo
'GIve us LIIs duv our duIIv cIIcken'. I vou do IL, 'II
donuLe 1o MIIIIon DoIIurs Lo LIe VuLIcun."
37
TIe Pope repIIes, " um sorrv. TIuL Is LIe ord's
Pruver und cun noL cIunge LIe words." So LIe
CoIoneI Iungs up.

AILer unoLIer monLI oI dIsmuI suIes, LIe CoIoneI
punIcs, und cuIIs uguIn. "IsLen vour ExceIIencv.
reuIIv need vour IeIp. 'II donuLe $=o mIIIIon
doIIurs II vou cIunge LIe words oI LIe duIIv pruver
Irom 'GIve us LIIs duv our duIIv breud' Lo 'GIve us
LIIs duv our duIIv cIIcken.'"

And LIe Pope responds, "L Is verv LempLIng,
CoIoneI Sunders. TIe cIurcI couId do u IoL oI good
wILI LIuL mucI monev. L wouId IeIp us Lo supporL
munv cIurILIes. BuL, uguIn, musL decIIne. L Is LIe
ord's Pruver, und cun'L cIunge LIe words."

So LIe CoIoneI gIves up uguIn. AILer Lwo more
monLIs oI LerrIbIe suIes, LIe CoIoneI geLs desperuLe.
"TIIs Is mv IInuI oIIer, vour ExceIIencv.

I vou cIunge LIe words oI LIe duIIv pruver Irom,
'GIve us LIIs duv our duIIv breud' Lo 'GIve us LIIs
duv our duIIv cIIcken' wIII donuLe $1oo mIIIIon Lo
LIe VuLIcun." TIe Pope repIIes, "eL me geL buck Lo
vou."

So LIe nexL duv, LIe Pope cuIIs LogeLIer uII oI IIs
bIsIops und Ie suvs, " Iuve some good news und
Iuve some bud news. TIe good news Is LIuL KC Is
goIng Lo donuLe $1oo mIIIIon Lo LIe VuLIcun."

TIe bIsIops rejoIce uL LIe news. TIen one usks
ubouL LIe bud news.

TIe Pope repIIes, "TIe bud news Is LIuL we IosL LIe
Wonder Breud uccounL."

1=. Silent Breuk In

A mun wenL Lo LIe PoIIce SLuLIon wIsIIng Lo speuk
wILI LIe burgIur wIo Iud broken InLo IIs Iouse LIe
nIgIL beIore.

"You'II geL vour cIunce In courL," suId LIe Desk
SergeunL.

"No, no, no!" suId LIe mun. " wunL Lo know Iow Ie
goL InLo LIe Iouse wILIouL wukIng mv wIIe. 've
been LrvIng Lo do LIuL Ior veurs!"
16. NASA Inuenoity

WIen NASA IIrsL sLurLed sendIng up usLronuuLs,
LIev quIckIv dIscovered LIuL buIIpoInL pens wouId
noL work In zero gruvILv. To combuL LIe probIem,
NASA scIenLIsLs spenL u decude und $1z bIIIIon Lo
deveIop u pen LIuL wrILes In zero gruvILv, upsIde
down, underwuLer, on uImosL unv surIuce IncIudIng
gIuss und uL LemperuLures rungIng Irom beIow
IreezIng Lo ooC.

TIe RussIuns used u pencII.

1. Intelliuence

Two men were dIggIng u dILcI on u verv IoL duv.

One suId Lo LIe oLIer, "WIv ure we down In LIIs
IoIe dIggIng u dILcI wIen our boss Is sLundIng up
LIere In LIe sIude oI u Lree?"

" don'L know," responded LIe oLIer. " wIII usk
IIm."

So Ie cIImbed ouL oI LIe IoIe und wenL Lo IIs boss.

"WIv ure we dIggIng In LIe IoL sun und vou're
sLundIng In LIe sIude?"

"nLeIIIgence," LIe boss suId. "WIuL do vou meun,
'InLeIIIgence'?"

TIe boss suId, "WeII, wIII sIow vou. wIII puL mv
Iund on LIIs Lree und wunL vou Lo IIL IL wILI vour
IIsL us Iurd us vou cun."

TIe dILcI dIgger Look u mIgILv swIng und LrIed Lo
IIL LIe boss's Iund.

TIe boss removed IIs Iund und LIe dILcI dIgger IIL
LIe Lree.

TIe boss suId, "TIuL Is InLeIIIgence!"

TIe dILcI dIgger wenL buck Lo IIs IoIe. HIs IrIend
usked, "WIuL dId Ie suv?" "He suId we ure down
Iere becuuse oI InLeIIIgence."

"WIuL Is InLeIIIgence?" suId LIe IrIend.

TIe dILcI dIgger puL IIs Iund on IIs Iuce und suId,
38
Tuke vour sIoveI und IIL mv Iund."

1S. GolI GooI

One duv u mun und IIs wIIe ure pIuvIng goII uL LIeIr
Iome course. On u cerLuIn pur Iour, LIe mun Lees IL
up und IILs u bIg sIIce InLo LIe woods.

TIev IInd IIs buII dIrecLIv beIInd one oI LIe greens
keeper's buIIdIngs wIere equIpmenL Is sLored, so
LIuL Ie cun'L pIuv Lowurd LIe green uL uII.

"Dumn!" LIe mun suvs, "'II Iuve Lo pIuv sIdewuvs Lo
geL buck on LIe IuIrwuv. 'II muke IIve uL besL."

BuL IIs wIIe, wIo Iud been IookIng LIIngs over, suId
"ook, LIIs sIed Ius doubIe doors uL boLI ends. I
we open LIem up, vou cun IIL u Iow sIoL rIgIL
LIrougI LIe buIIdIng Lowurd LIe green."

TIe mun congruLuIuLed IIs wIIe on Ier cIeverness
und LIev seL up Ior LIe sIoL. BuL LIe buII IIL LIe Lop
oI LIe Iur doorIrume und cume wIIsLIIng buck,
sLrIkIng IIs wIIe In LIe LempIe und kIIIIng Ier deud
on LIe spoL.

A veur or so IuLer, LIe sume mun wus pIuvIng LIe
sume pur q und IIL IIs Lee sIoL In uImosL exucLIv LIe
sume spoL us beIore, rIgIL beIInd LIe buIIdIng.

As Ie Is cursIng IIs Iuck und prepurIng Lo swIng,
one oI IIs pIuvIng purLners suvs, "WuIL, Iook we cun
open LIese doubIe doors und..."

"No wuv," LIe mun suvs, cuLLIng IIm oII. " wus Iere
IusL veur und LrIed LIuL sIoL und ended up mukIng u
sIx."

1n. Technicully Speukinu

A IeIIcopLer wus IIvIng uround ubove SeuLLIe, wIen
un eIecLrIcuI muIIuncLIon dIsubIed uII oI LIe
uIrcruIL's eIecLronIc nuvIguLIon und communIcuLIons
equIpmenL. Due Lo LIe cIouds und Iuze, LIe pIIoL
couId noL deLermIne LIe IeIIcopLer's posILIon.

TIe pIIoL suw u LuII buIIdIng, IIew Lowurd IL, cIrcIed,
und IeId up u IundwrILLen sIgn LIuL reud "WHERE
AM ?" In Iurge IeLLers.

PeopIe In LIe LuII buIIdIng quIckIv responded Lo LIe
uIrcruIL, drew u Iurge sIgn, und IeId IL In u buIIdIng
wIndow. TIeIr sIgn suId "YOU ARE N A
HECOPTER."

TIe pIIoL smIIed, wuved, Iooked uL IIs mup,
deLermIned LIe course Lo sLeer Lo SeuTuc uIrporL,
und Iunded suIeIv. AILer LIev were on LIe ground,
LIe copIIoL usked LIe pIIoL Iow Ie Iud done IL.

" knew IL Iud Lo be LIe MIcrosoIL BuIIdIng, becuuse
LIev guve me u LecInIcuIIv correcL buL compIeLeIv
useIess unswer."

1o. Two Keys

Two kevs Iung In un underLuker's oIIIce - one Ior
LIe orgun In LIe cIupeI; LIe oLIer Ior one oI LIe
curs In LIe guruge.

Two smuII sIgns ubove LIe kevs reud "Hvmn" und
"Heurse."

11. My Kind oI Writer

A vIsILor Lo u cerLuIn coIIege puused Lo udmIre LIe
new HemIngwuv HuII LIuL Iud been buIIL on
cumpus.

"L's u pIeusure Lo see u buIIdIng numed Ior ErnesL
HemIngwuv," Ie suId.

"AcLuuIIv," suId IIs guIde, "IL's numed Ior JosIuu
HemIngwuv. No reIuLIon."

TIe vIsILor wus usLonIsIed. "Wus JosIuu
HemIngwuv u wrILer, uIso?"

"Yes, Indeed," suId IIs guIde. "He wroLe u cIeck."

1. Lunuouue Burrier

TIese Iour guvs were wuIkIng down LIe sLreeL, u
SuudI, u RussIun, u NorLI Koreun, und u New
Yorker.

A reporLer comes runnIng up und suvs, "Excuse me,
wIuL Is vour opInIon ubouL LIe meuL sIorLuge?"

TIe SuudI suvs, "WIuL's u sIorLuge?"

TIe RussIun suvs, "WIuL's meuL?"

TIe NorLI Koreun suvs, "WIuL's un opInIon?"
39
TIe New Yorker, suvs, "Excuse me?? WIuL's excuse
me?"

1. The Story oI Iverybody

TIIs Is u sLorv ubouL Iour peopIe numed Evervbodv,
Somebodv, Anvbodv, und Nobodv.

TIere wus un ImporLunL job Lo be done und
Evervbodv wus usked Lo do IL. Evervbodv wus sure
Somebodv wouId do IL. Anvbodv couId Iuve done IL,
buL Nobodv dId IL.

Somebodv goL ungrv ubouL LIuL, becuuse IL wus
Evervbodv's job. Evervbodv LIougIL Anvbodv couId
do IL buL Nobodv reuIIzed LIuL Evervbodv wouIdn'L
do IL. L ended up LIuL Evervbodv bIumed Somebodv
wIen Nobodv dId wIuL Anvbodv couId Iuve done.

1A. Skinny ippers

TIIs IeIIow Iud owned LIIs Iurge Iurm Ior severuI
veurs. He Iud u Iurge pond In LIe buck vurd, Iud IL
IIxed up nIce, pIcnIc LubIes, Iorse sIoe courLs,
buskeLbuII courL, eLc.

TIe pond wus IIxed Ior swImmIng wIen IL wus buIIL.
One evenIng LIe oId Iurmer decIded Lo go down Lo
LIe pond, us Ie Iudn'L been LIere Ior u wIIIe und
Iook IL over.

As Ie neured LIe pond, Ie Ieurd voIces sIouLIng
und IuugIIng wILI gIee.

As Ie cume cIoser Ie suw IL wus u buncI oI voung
women skInnv-dIppIng In IIs pond. He mude LIe
women uwure oI IIs presence und LIev uII wenL Lo
LIe deep end oI LIe pond. One oI LIe women
sIouLed Lo IIm, "We're noL comIng ouL unLII vou
Ieuve!"

TIe oId mun repIIed, " dIdn'L come down Iere Lo
wuLcI vou IudIes swIm, onIv cume Lo Ieed mv
uIIIguLors!"

1=. Irostruted GolIers

A pusLor, u docLor und un engIneer were wuILIng one
mornIng Ior u purLIcuIurIv sIow group oI goIIers.

TIe engIneer Iumed, "WIuL's wILI LIese guvs? We
musL Iuve been wuILIng Ior 1= mInuLes!"
TIe docLor cIImed In, " don'L know, buL 've never
seen sucI InepLILude!"

TIe pusLor suId, "Hev, Iere comes LIe greens
keeper. eL's Iuve u word wILI IIm."

"HI George. Suv, wIuL's wILI LIuL group uIeud oI
us? TIev're ruLIer sIow, uren'L LIev?"

TIe greens keeper repIIed, "OI, ves, LIuL's u group
oI bIInd IIreIIgILers. TIev IosL LIeIr sIgIL suvIng our
cIubIouse Irom u IIre IusL veur, so we uIwuvs IeL
LIem pIuv Ior Iree unvLIme."

TIe group wus sIIenL Ior u momenL.

TIe pusLor suId, "TIuL's so sud. LIInk wIII suv u
specIuI pruver Ior LIem LonIgIL."

TIe docLor suId, "Good Ideu. And 'm goIng Lo
conLucL mv opILIuImoIogIsL buddv und see II
LIere's unvLIIng Ie cun do Ior LIem."

TIe engIneer suId, "WIv cun'L LIese guvs jusL pIuv
uL nIgIL?"

16. Stewed Tomutoes

A guv Is goIng on un oceun cruIse, und Ie LeIIs IIs
docLor LIuL Ie's worrv ubouL geLLIng seusIck.

TIe docLor suggesLs, "EuL Lwo pounds oI sLewed
LomuLoes beIore vou Ieuve LIe dock."

TIe guv repIIes, "WouId LIuL keep me Irom geLLIng
sIck, Doc?"

TIe docLor suvs, "No, buL IL'II Iook reuI preLLv In LIe
wuLer."

1. Clever ou Numes

A womun wus wuIkIng Ier Lwo dogs. As sIe pussed u
coupIe oI Leenugers, LIev commenLed on LIe sIze oI
LIe dogs, und wIuL breed LIev were. InuIIv LIev
usked LIe dogs numes.

TIIs Is RoIex und LIuL's TImex, sIe repIIed.

TIev sLurLed IuugIIng und suId LIose ure weIrd
numes Ior dogs.
40
NoL reuIIv....LIev're wuLcI dogs.

1S. The Ilectric Chuir

L wus u busv duv Ior LIe eIecLrIc cIuIr. Toduv, LIree
men were up Ior LIe juIce.

TIe IIrsL mun wus u poIILIcuI scIenLIsL Irom BuvIor
UnIversILv. He wus sLrupped InLo LIe cIuIr und
usked II Ie Iud unv IInuI commenLs. He repIIed, "
Iud u promIsIng cureer In poIILIcs unLII... wus
Irumed, LeII vou, Irumed!" HIs LIrude wus
InLerrupLed bv LIe IIIck oI LIe swILcI, buL noLIIng
Iuppened. As wus LIe cusLom uL LIIs purLIcuIur
prIson, LIe BuvIor mun wus Luken Irom LIe cIuIr
und uIIowed Lo IIve uILer LIe IuIIed execuLIon
uLLempL.

TIe second mun wus u compuLer scIenLIsL Irom LIe
UnIversILv oI Texus. HIs IInuI words were, " Iud u
promIsIng cureer In compuLIng, buL dIdn'L LIInk
LIuL LumperIng wILI LIe nuLIonuI uIr LruIIIc conLroI
svsLem wouId crusI THAT munv pIunes...". AguIn,
LIe eIecLrIcuI swILcI wus IIIpped und uguIn noLIIng
Iuppened. TIe mun wus reIeused Irom LIe cIuIr
und uIIowed Lo IIve.

TIe LIIrd mun wus un eIecLrIcuI engIneer, numed
Bubbu, Irom Texus A&M UnIversILv. Bubbu wus
sLrupped InLo LIe cIuIr und usked II Ie Iud unv
IInuI words. He suvs, " Iud u promIsIng cureer us
un eIecLrIcuI engIneer, buL, vou know, II v'uII cross
LIuL red wIre over LIere wILI LIuL bIue wIre, LIIs
LIIng wIII work."

1n. Murried

MorLv wus In IIs usuuI pIuce In LIe mornIng sILLIng
uL LIe LubIe, reudIng LIe puper uILer breukIusL. He
cume ucross un urLIcIe ubouL u beuuLIIuI ucLress LIuL
wus ubouL Lo murrv u IooLbuII pIuver wIo's Iuck oI
Q wus common knowIedge.

He Lurned Lo IIs wIIe, EsLIer, wILI u Iook oI
quesLIon on IIs Iuce.

"Ov! 'II never undersLund wIv LIe bIggesL jerks geL
LIe mosL uLLrucLIve wIves."

HIs wIIe repIIes, "WIv LIunk vou, deur!"
1Ao. Green Beuns

Two green beuns were crossIng LIe IIgIwuv wIen
one oI LIem wus IIL bv u Lruck. HIs buddv scruped
IIm up und rusIed IIm Lo LIe IospILuI.

AILer Iours oI surgerv LIe docLor cume In und suId,
" Iuve good news und bud news."

TIe green beun sLurLed Lo rejoIce und LIe docLor
suId, "TIe good news Is LIuL Ie's goIng Lo IIve...TIe
bud news Is Ie'II be u vegeLubIe Ior LIe resL oI IIs
IIIe."

1A1. The Sinule Goy

A mun goes InLo u supermurkeL und buvs u sIngIe
boLLIe oI PepsI, u sIngIe servIng bug oI LorLIIIu cIIps
und u sIngIe servIng Irozen pIzzu. WIen Ie goes Lo
LIe cIeckouL IIne, LIe cuLe gIrI uL LIe regIsLer Iooks
uL IIm und usks, "SIngIe, IuI?"

TIe guv smIIes und suvs, "YeuI. How'd vou guess?"

"Becuuse vou're so ugIv."

1A. All Abourd

A mun und u womun wIo Iud never meL beIore
Iound LIemseIves In LIe sume sIeepIng
compurLmenL oI u LruIn. AILer LIe InILIuI
emburrussmenL, LIev boLI munuged Lo geL Lo sIeep;
LIe womun on LIe Lop bunk, LIe mun on LIe Iower.

n LIe mIddIe oI LIe nIgIL LIe womun Ieuned over
und suId, "'m sorrv Lo boLIer vou buL 'm uwIuIIv
coId und wus wonderIng II vou couId possIbIv puss
me unoLIer bIunkeL."

TIe mun, wILI u gIInL In IIs eve, responded, "'ve
goL u beLLer Ideu...IeL's preLend we're murrIed."

"WIv noL?" gIggIed LIe womun.

"Good," Ie suId. "GeL vour own bIunkeL."

1A. Blucksmith's Apprentice

An oId bIucksmILI reuIIzed Ie wus soon goIng Lo
quIL workIng so Iurd. He pIcked ouL u sLrong voung
mun Lo become IIs upprenLIce. TIe oId IeIIow wus
crubbv und exucLIng.
41
"Don'L usk me u IoL oI quesLIons," Ie LoId LIe bov.
"JusL do wIuLever LeII vou Lo do."

One duv LIe oId bIucksmILI Look un Iron ouL oI LIe
Iorge und IuId IL on LIe unvII. "GeL LIe Iummer over
LIere," Ie suId. "WIen nod mv Ieud, IIL IL reuI
good und Iurd."

Now LIe Lown Is IookIng Ior u new bIucksmILI.

1AA. Visitinu Penuoins

A mun drIves Lo u gus sLuLIon und Ius IIs Lunk IIIIed
up. TIe uLLendunL spoLs Lwo penguIns sILLIng In LIe
buck seuL oI LIe cur.

He usks LIe drIver, "WIuL's up wILI LIe penguIns In
LIe buck seuL?"

TIe mun In LIe cur suvs, " Iound LIem. usked
mvseII wIuL Lo do wILI LIem, buL Iuven'L Iud u
cIue."

TIe cIerk ponders u bIL LIen suvs, "You sIouId Luke
LIem Lo LIe zoo."

"Hev, LIuL's u good Ideu," suvs LIe mun In LIe cur
und drIves uwuv.

TIe nexL duv LIe mun wILI LIe cur Is buck uL LIe
sume gus sLuLIon. TIe cIerk sees LIe penguIns ure
sLIII In LIe buck seuL oI LIe cur.

"Hev, LIougIL vou were goIng Lo Luke LIem Lo LIe
zoo."

"OI, dId," suvs LIe drIver, "And we Iud u sweII
LIme. Toduv um LukIng LIem Lo LIe beucI."

1A=. Gone Iishinu

TIree IdIoLs ure sILLIng bv LIe sIde oI u rIver IoIdIng
IIsIIng poIes wILI LIe IInes In LIe wuLer. A Gume
Wurden comes up beIInd LIem, Lups one oI LIem on
LIe sIouIder und suvs, "Excuse me, 'd IIke Lo see
vour IIsIIng IIcenses."

"We don'L Iuve unv," repIIed LIe IIrsL IdIoL.

"WeII, II vour goIng Lo IIsI, vou need IIsIIng
IIcenses," suId LIe Gume Wurden.
"BuL oIIIcer," repIIed LIe second IdIoL, "we uren'L
IIsIIng. We uII Iuve mugneLs uL LIe end oI our IInes
und we're coIIecLIng debrIs oII LIe boLLom oI LIe
rIver."

TIe Gume Wurden IIILed up uII LIe IInes und, sure
enougI, LIere were IorsesIoe mugneLs LIed on LIe
end oI eucI IIne.

"WeII, know oI no Iuw uguInsL IL," suId LIe Gume
Wurden. "Tuke uII LIe debrIs vou wunL." And wILI
LIuL, Ie IeIL.

As soon us LIe Gume Wurden wus ouL oI sIgIL, LIe
LIree IdIoLs sLurLed IuugIIng IvsLerIcuIIv. "WIuL u
dumb IsI Cop," one suId Lo LIe oLIer Lwo, "doesn'L
Ie know LIuL LIere ure sLeeIIeud In LIIs rIver?"

1A6. GiIt oI Gub

TIe IIower vendor wus un oId Iund uL unIoudIng IIs
IusL Iew buncIes...

AppeuIIng Lo u busInessmun on IIs wuv Iome, LIe
vendor suId, "How ubouL u nIce buncI oI roses Lo
surprIse vour wIIe?"

"Huven'L goL u wIIe," responded LIe busInessmun
gruIIIv.

"TIen Iow ubouL some curnuLIons Ior vour
gIrIIrIend?" proposed LIe vendor wILIouL mIssIng u
beuL.

"Huven'L goL u gIrIIrIend."

"You Iuckv guv!" TIe vendor broke InLo u bIg
smIIe...

"Buv boLI buncIes Lo ceIebruLe!"

1A. How to Get To Heuven

usked LIe cIIIdren In mv Sunduv ScIooI cIuss, "I
soId mv Iouse und mv cur, Iud u bIg guruge suIe
und guve uII mv monev Lo LIe cIurcI, wouId LIuL
geL me InLo Ieuven?"

"NO!" LIe cIIIdren uII unswered.
42
"I cIeuned LIe cIurcI everv duv mowed LIe vurd
und kepL evervLIIng neuL und LIdv, wouId LIuL geL
me InLo Ieuven?"

Once more LIev uII unswered, "NO!"

"WeII, LIen, II wus kInd Lo unImuIs und guve cundv
Lo uII LIe cIIIdren und Ioved mv wIIe, wouId LIuL geL
me InLo Ieuven?"

Once more LIev uII unswered, "NO!"

"WeII," conLInued, Impressed LIuL LIev were u
mucI more LIeoIogIcuIIv sopIIsLIcuLed LIun Iud
gIven LIem credIL Ior, "LIen Iow cun geL InLo
Ieuven?"

A IIve-veur-oId bov sIouLed ouL, "YOU GOTTA BE
DEAD!"

1AS. Whut u Puin!

A mun IrunLIcuIIv cuIIs 11 und suvs, "IeIp...mv wIIe
Ius gone InLo Iubor und Ier conLrucLIons ure 1o
mInuLes upurL."

"s LIIs Ier IIrsL cIIId?" LIe 11 operuLor repIIes.

"OI course noL, vou IdIoL...LIIs Is Ier Iusbund."

1An. One Iool Iowl

A Iudv wus wuIkIng down LIe sLreeL Lo work und sIe
suw u purroL on u percI In IronL oI u peL sLore. TIe
purroL suId Lo Ier, "Hev Iudv, vou ure reuIIv ugIv."
WeII, LIe Iudv Is IurIous! SIe sLormed pusL LIe sLore
Lo Ier work.

On LIe wuv Iome sIe suw LIe sume purroL und IL
suId Lo Ier, "Hev Iudv, vou ure reuIIv ugIv." SIe wus
IncredIbIv LIcked now. TIe nexL duv LIe sume purroL
uguIn suId Lo Ier, "Hev Iudv, vou ure reuIIv ugIv."

TIe Iudv wus so LIcked LIuL sIe wenL InLo LIe sLore
und suId LIuL sIe wouId sue LIe sLore und kIII LIe
bIrd. TIe sLore munuger upoIogIzed proIuseIv und
promIsed Ie wouId muke sure LIe purroL dIdn'L suv
IL uguIn.

WIen LIe Iudv wuIked pusL LIe sLore LIuL duv uILer
work LIe purroL cuIIed Lo Ier, "Hev Iudv."
SIe puused und suId, "Yes?"

TIe bIrd suId, "You know."

1=o. Time LeIt

A mun Iusn'L been IeeIIng weII, so Ie goes Lo IIs
docLor Ior u compIeLe cIeckup. AILerwurd LIe
docLor comes ouL wILI LIe resuILs.

"'m uIruId Iuve some verv bud news," LIe docLor
suvs. "You're dvIng, und vou don'L Iuve mucI LIme
IeIL."

"OI, LIuL's LerrIbIe!" suvs LIe mun. "How Iong Iuve
goL?"

"Ten," LIe docLor suvs sudIv.

"Ten?" LIe mun usks. "Ten wIuL? MonLIs? Weeks?
WIuL?"

"NIne..."

1=1. Biuuer Thinus to Worry Aboot

A Iuwver opened LIe door oI IIs BMW, wIen
suddenIv u cur cume uIong und IIL LIe door, rIppIng
IL oII compIeLeIv. WIen LIe poIIce urrIved uL LIe
scene, LIe Iuwver wus compIuInIng bILLerIv ubouL
LIe dumuge Lo IIs precIous BMW.

"OIIIcer, Iook wIuL LIev've done Lo mv Beeeeemer!"
Ie wIIned.

"You Iuwvers ure so muLerIuIIsLIc, vou muke me
sIck!" reLorLed LIe oIIIcer. "You're so worrIed ubouL
vour sLupId BMW, LIuL vou dIdn'L even noLIce LIuL
vour IeIL urm wus rIpped oII!"

"OI mv god...", repIIed LIe Iuwver, IInuIIv noLIcIng
LIe bIoodv IeIL sIouIder wIere IIs urm once wus.
"WIere's mv RoIex?!?"

1=. The Visit

AILer LIe bIrLI oI LIeIr cIIId, un EpIscopuI prIesL,
weurIng IIs cIerIcuI coIIur, vIsILed IIs wIIe In LIe
IospILuI. He greeLed Ier wILI u Iug und u kIss, und
guve Ier unoLIer Iug und kIss wIen Ie IeIL.
43
uLer, LIe wIIe's roommuLe commenLed: "Your
pusLor Is sure IrIendIIer LIun mIne."

1=. The Mother-In-Luw Truuedy

A newIvwed Iurmer und IIs wIIe were vIsILed bv Ier
moLIer, wIo ImmedIuLeIv demunded un InspecLIon
oI LIe pIuce. WIIIe LIev were wuIkIng LIrougI LIe
burn, LIe Iurmer's muIe suddenIv reured up und
kIcked LIe moLIer-In-Iuw In LIe Ieud, kIIIIng Ier
InsLunLIv.

AL LIe IuneruI servIce u Iew duvs IuLer, LIe Iurmer
sLood neur LIe cuskeL und greeLed IoIks us LIev
wuIked bv.

TIe pusLor noLIced LIuL wIenever u womun wouId
wIIsper someLIIng Lo LIe Iurmer, Ie wouId nod IIs
Ieud ves und suv someLIIng. WIenever u mun
wuIked bv und wIIspered Lo LIe Iurmer, Ie wouId
sIuke IIs Ieud no und mumbIe u repIv.

CurIous, LIe pusLor IuLer usked LIe Iurmer wIuL LIuL
wus uII ubouL.

TIe Iurmer repIIed, "TIe women wouId suv, 'WIuL u
LerrIbIe Lrugedv' und wouId nod mv Ieud und suv,
'Yes, IL wus.'

TIe men wouId usk, "You wunnu seII LIuL muIe?"
wouId sIuke mv Ieud und suv, "Cun'L. L's uII
booked up Ior u veur."

1=A. PurentJTeucher ConIerence

TeucIer: "WeII, uL IeusL LIere's one LIIng cun suv
ubouL vour son."

uLIer: "WIuL's LIuL?"

TeucIer: "WILI grudes IIke LIese, Ie couIdn'L be
cIeuLIng."

1==. Secret to u Lonu Murriuue

A coupIe wus ceIebruLIng LIeIr goIden weddIng
unnIversurv. TIeIr domesLIc LrunquIIILv Iud Iong
been LIe LuIk oI LIe Lown, "WIuL u peuceIuI und
IovIng coupIe."

A IocuI newspuper reporLer wus InquIrIng us Lo LIe
secreL oI LIeIr Iong und Iuppv murrIuge.
"WeII, IL duLes buck Lo our Ionevmoon," expIuIned
LIe mun. "We vIsILed LIe Grund Cunvon und Look u
LrIp down Lo LIe boLLom oI LIe cunvon bv puck
muIe. We Iudn'L gone Loo Iur wIen mv wIIe's muIe
sLumbIed. Mv wIIe quIeLIv suId, "TIuL's once."

We proceeded u IILLIe IurLIer und LIe muIe
sLumbIed uguIn. Once more mv wIIe quIeLIv suId,
"TIuL's LwIce."

We Iudn'L gone u IuII-mIIe wIen LIe muIe sLumbIed
LIe LIIrd LIme.

Mv wIIe quIeLIv removed u revoIver Irom Ier purse
und sIoL LIe muIe deud.

sLurLed un ungrv proLesL over Ier LreuLmenL oI LIe
muIe, wIen sIe Iooked uL me, und quIeLIv suId,
"TIuL's once".

And we IIved IuppIIv ever uILer.

1=6. A Borst Pipe

A pIpe bursL In u docLor's Iouse. He cuIIed u
pIumber. TIe pIumber urrIved, unpucked IIs LooIs,
dId mvsLerIous pIumber-Lvpe LIIngs Ior u wIIIe, und
Iunded LIe docLor u bIII Ior $6oo.

TIe docLor excIuImed, "TIIs Is rIdIcuIous! don'L
even muke LIuL mucI us u docLor!"

TIe pIumber wuILed Ior IIm Lo IInIsI und quIeLIv
suId, "NeILIer dId wIen wus u docLor."

1=. Iiller Lp

One duv wus uL LIe gus sLuLIon pumpIng gus und
LIe Iudv nexL Lo me wus smokIng u cIgureLLe wIIIe
sIe pumped Ier gus.

LoId Ier LIuL wus dungerous und Ier repIv wus
"Don'L worrv do LIIs uII LIe LIme."

AII oI LIe sudden Ier urm cuugIL In IIre. SIe
spoLLed u poIIcemun ucross LIe sLreeL und run over
LIere wuvIng Ier urm. TIe poIIce oIIIcer puIIed ouL
IIs gun und sIoL Ier.

WIen usked LIe poIIcemun wIv Ie dId sucI u
LIIng Ie repIIed, "SIe wus wuvIng u IIreurm uL me."
44
1=S. Joy Ride

A PoIIce OIIIcer wus wuILIng uIong LIe sIde oI u
IIgIwuv wuILIng Lo cuLcI speedIng drIvers. TIere
weren'L us munv vIoIuLors LIIs duv us usuuI. TIe
SLuLe PoIIce OIIIcer sees un oId cur puLLerIng uIong
uL zz MPH. He LIInks Lo IImseII, "TIIs drIver Is
jusL us dungerous us u speeder!" So Ie Lurns on IIs
IIgILs und puIIs LIe drIver over.

ApproucIIng LIe cur, Ie noLIces LIuL LIere ure IIve
eIderIv IudIes-Lwo In LIe IronL seuL und LIree In LIe
buck, wIde-eved und wIILe us gIosLs. TIe drIver,
obvIousIv conIused, suvs Lo IIm, "OIIIcer, don'L
undersLund, wus doIng exucLIv LIe speed IImIL!
WIuL seems Lo be LIe probIem?"

"Mu'um," LIe oIIIcer repIIes, "vou weren'L speedIng,
buL vou sIouId know LIuL drIvIng sIower LIun LIe
speed IImIL cun uIso be u dunger Lo oLIer drIvers."
"SIower LIun LIe speed IImIL? No sIr, wus doIng
LIe speed IImIL exucLIv...TwenLv-Lwo mIIes un
Iour!" LIe oId womun suvs u bIL proudIv.

TIe SLuLe PoIIce oIIIcer, LrvIng Lo conLuIn u cIuckIe
expIuIns Lo Ier LIuL "zz" wus LIe rouLe number, noL
LIe speed IImIL.

A bIL emburrussed, LIe womun grInned und LIunked
LIe oIIIcer Ior poInLIng ouL Ier error. "BuL beIore
IeL vou go, Mu'um, Iuve Lo usk...Is evervone In LIIs
cur OK? TIese women seem uwIuIIv sIuken und
LIev Iuven'L muLLered u sIngIe peep LIIs wIoIe
LIme," LIe oIIIcer usks wILI concern.

"OI, LIev'II be uII rIgIL In u mInuLe oIIIcer. We jusL
goL oII RouLe z1=."

1=n. Mother's uy

Two cIIIdren ordered LIeIr moLIer Lo sLuv In bed
one MoLIer's Duv mornIng. As sIe Iuv LIere IookIng
Iorwurd Lo breukIusL In bed, LIe smeII oI bucon
IIouLed up Irom LIe kILcIen. BuL uILer u good Iong
wuIL sIe IInuIIv wenL downsLuIrs Lo InvesLIguLe. SIe
Iound LIem boLI sILLIng uL LIe LubIe euLIng bucon
und eggs.

"As u surprIse Ior MoLIer's Duv," one expIuIned,
"we decIded Lo cook our own breukIusL."
16o. Womun oI His reums

A voung mun cuIIed IIs moLIer und unnounced
excILedIv LIuL Ie Iud jusL meL LIe womun oI IIs
dreums. Now wIuL sIouId Ie do? HIs moLIer Iud
un Ideu, "WIv don'L vou send Ier IIowers, und on
LIe curd InvILe Ier Lo vour upurLmenL Ior u Iome-
cooked meuI?" He LIougIL LIIs wus u greuL sLruLegv,
und urrunged u duLe Ior u week IuLer. HIs moLIer
cuIIed LIe duv uILer LIe bIg duLe Lo see Iow LIIngs
Iud gone.

"TIe evenIng wus u dIsusLer," Ie mouned.

"WIv, dIdn'L sIe come over?" usked IIs moLIer.

"OI, sIe cume over, buL sIe reIused Lo cook...."

161. Bud Lundinu

An uIrIIne pIIoL wroLe LIuL on LIIs purLIcuIur IIIgIL
Ie Iud Iummered IIs sIIp InLo LIe runwuv reuIIv
Iurd. TIe uIrIIne Iud u poIIcv, wIIcI requIred LIe
IIrsL oIIIcer Lo sLund uL LIe door wIIIe LIe
pussengers exILed, gIve u smIIe, und u "TIunks Ior
IIvIng XYZ uIrIIne." He suId LIuL In IIgIL oI IIs bud
IundIng, Ie Iud u Iurd LIme IookIng LIe pussengers
In LIe eve, LIInkIng LIuL someone wouId Iuve u
smurL commenL, buL no one seemed unnoved.

InuIIv evervone Iud goLLen oII excepL Ior one IILLIe
oId Iudv wuIkIng wILI u cune. SIe upproucIed und
usked, conspIruLorIuIIv, "Sonnv, mInd II usk vou u
quesLIon?"

"WIv no Mu'um, wIuL Is IL?"

"DId we Iund or were we sIoL down?"

16. Texun

A Texun wuIks InLo u pub In reIund und cIeurs IIs
voIce Lo LIe crowd oI drInkers. He suvs, " Ieur vou
rIsI ure u buncI oI drInkIn' IooIs. 'II gIve $=oo
AmerIcun doIIurs Lo unvbodv In Iere wIo cun drInk
1o pInLs oI GuInness buck-Lo-buck."

TIe room Is quIeL und no one Lukes oI LIe Texun's
oIIer. One mun even Ieuves.

TIIrLv mInuLes IuLer, LIe sume rIsImun wIo IeIL
sIows buck up und Lups LIe Texun on LIe sIouIder.
45
"s vour beL sLIII good?" usks LIe rIsImun. TIe
Texun suvs, "Yes," und Ie usks LIe burLender Lo IIne
up 1o pInLs oI GuInness. mmedIuLeIv, LIe rIsImun
Leurs InLo uII 1o pInLs oI beer, drInkIng LIem uII
buck-Lo-buck. TIe oLIer pub puLrons cIeer us LIe
Texun sILs down In umuzemenL.

TIe Texun gIves LIe rIsImun LIe $=oo und usks,
"I vu don'L mInd me uskIn', wIere dId vou go Ior
LIuL o mInuLes vou were gone?" TIe rIsImun
repIIes, "OI... Iud Lo go Lo LIe pub down LIe sLreeL
Lo see II couId do IL IIrsL."

16. Wish Iuiry

A mun und IIs wIIe, now In LIeIr 6o's, were
ceIebruLIng LIeIr qoLI weddIng unnIversurv. On
LIeIr specIuI duv u good IuIrv cume Lo LIem und suId
LIuL becuuse LIev Iud been sucI u devoLed coupIe
sIe wouId grunL eucI oI LIem u verv specIuI wIsI.

TIe wIIe wIsIed Ior u LrIp uround LIe worId wILI
Ier Iusbund. WIoosI! mmedIuLeIv sIe Iud
uIrIIneJcruIse LIckeLs In Ier Iunds.

TIe mun wIsIed Ior u IemuIe compunIon o veurs
vounger... WIoosI...ImmedIuLeIv Ie Lurned
nIneLv!!!

GoLLu Iove LIuL IuIrv!

16A. Truin Tickets

TIree engIneers und LIree urcIILecLs ure LruveIIng
bv LruIn Lo u conIerence. AL LIe sLuLIon, LIe LIree
engIneers eucI buv LIckeLs und wuLcI us LIe LIree
urcIILecLs buv onIv u sIngIe LIckeL.

"How ure LIree peopIe goIng Lo LruveI on onIv one
LIckeL?", usked one oI LIe LIree engIneers.

"WuLcI und vou wIII see", unswers one oI LIe
urcIILecLs.

TIev uII bourd LIe LruIn. TIe engIneers Luke LIeIr
respecLIve seuLs, buL uII LIree urcIILecLs crum InLo u
resLroom und cIose LIe door beIInd LIem. SIorLIv
uILer LIe LruIn Ius depurLed, LIe conducLor comes
uround coIIecLIng LIckeLs. He knocks on LIe
resLroom door und suvs, "TIckeL, pIeuse". TIe door
opens jusL u cruck und u sIngIe urm emerges wILI u
LIckeL In Iund. TIe conducLor Lukes IL und moves
on. TIe engIneers suw LIIs und ugreed IL wus quILe u
cIever Ideu.

So uILer LIe conIerence, LIe engIneers decIde Lo
copv LIe urcIILecLs on LIe reLurn LrIp und suve some
monev. WIen LIev geL Lo LIe sLuLIon, LIev buv u
sIngIe LIckeL Ior LIe reLurn LrIp. To LIeIr
usLonIsImenL, LIe urcIILecLs don'L buv u LIckeL uL
uII.

"How ure vou goIng Lo LruveI wILIouL u LIckeL?",
usks one perpIexed engIneer.

"WuLcI und vou wIII see", suvs one oI LIe urcIILecLs.

WIen LIev bourd LIe LruIn LIe LIree engIneers crum
InLo u resLroom und LIe LIree urcIILecLs crum InLo
unoLIer one neurbv. TIe LruIn depurLs. SIorLIv
uILerwurd, one oI LIe urcIILecLs Ieuves IIs resLroom
und wuIks over Lo LIe resLroom wIere LIe engIneers
ure IIdIng. He knocks on LIe door und suvs, "TIckeL,
pIeuse."

16=. Iumoos Mun

One duv uL kIndergurLen u LeucIer suId Lo LIe cIuss
oI =-veur- oIds, "'II gIve $z Lo LIe cIIId wIo cun LeII
me wIo wus LIe mosL Iumous mun wIo ever IIved."

An rIsI bov puL IIs Iund up und suId, "L wus SL.
PuLrIck." TIe LeucIer suId, "Sorrv Seun, LIuL's noL
correcL."

TIen u ScoLLIsI bov puL IIs Iund up und suId, "L
wus SL. Andrew." TIe LeucIer repIIed, "'m sorrv,
HumIsI, LIuL's noL rIgIL eILIer."

InuIIv, u JewIsI bov ruIsed IIs Iund und suId, "L
wus Jesus CIrIsL." TIe LeucIer suId, "TIuL's
ubsoIuLeIv rIgIL, MurvIn, come up Iere und 'II gIve
vou LIe $z."

As LIe LeucIer wus gIvIng MurvIn IIs monev, sIe
suId, "You know MurvIn, sInce vou're JewIsI, wus
verv surprIsed vou suId Jesus CIrIsL."

MurvIn repIIed, "YeuI. n mv IeurL knew IL wus
Moses, buL busIness Is busIness..."
46
166. Nice Try

L Iud been snowIng Ior Iours wIen un
unnouncemenL cume over LIe InLercom:

"WIII LIe sLudenLs wIo ure purked on UnIversILv
DrIve pIeuse move LIeIr curs so LIuL we muv begIn
pIowIng."

TwenLv mInuLes IuLer LIere wus unoLIer
unnouncemenL:

"WIII LIe nIne Iundred sLudenLs wIo wenL Lo move
IourLeen curs reLurn Lo cIuss."

16. Thut Soonds Pretty Iishy

Q: WIuL dId LIe IIsI suv wIen IL run InLo LIe wuII?

A: DAM!!!!

16S. Wipe Oot

WIuL dId one bug suv Lo oLIer us LIev IIL u
speedIng cur`s wIndsIIeId?

BeL vou don'L Iuve enougI guLs Lo do IL uguIn.

16n. Beur Iucts

Tom und Bob ure LukIng In LIe beuuLv oI
YeIIowsLone wIen suddenIv LIev spoL u grIzzIv beur
onIv u Iundred vurds uwuv. "SLund sLIII," Bob LoId
Tom, "Ie mIgIL noL see us."

TIe grIzzIv sLood up, snIIIed LIe uIr und cIurged uL
LIem.

"Okuv, IL's LIme Lo run," suId Bob In u cuIm voIce.

"WIv uren'L vou scured Lo deuLI?," puIIed Tom us
Ie run und LrIed Lo keep up wILI Bob. "TIe runger
suId LIuL LIese beurs cun run qo mIIes per Iour.
We'II never ouLrun IIm."

"TIuL's jusL IL Tom," Bob veIIed over IIs sIouIder.
" don'L Iuve Lo ouLrun IIm. onIv Iuve Lo ouLrun
YOU!"
1o. Newly-Murried

TIe newIv-murrIed Iusbund cume Iome Irom LIe
oIIIce Lo IInd IIs voung wIIe In u IIood oI Leurs.

"DurIIng, wIuLever Is LIe muLLer?" Ie usks.

"SweeLIeurL," sIe sobs, "LIe mosL LerrIbIe LIIng
Iuppened! cooked mv verv IIrsL BeeI BourguIgnon
Ior vou, und goL IL ouL LIe oven Lo seuson IL, und
LIe pIone rung. WIen cume buck Irom unswerIng
LIe pIone," sIe sobbed uguIn, " Iound LIuL LIe cuL
Iud euLen IL!"

"Don'L worrv, durIIng," suId Ier Iusbund.

"Don'L crv. We cun uIwuvs geL vou u new cuL."

11. Bud uy ut Work

A mun joIned u bIg compunv us u LruInee. On IIs
IIrsL duv Ie dIuIed LIe punLrv und sIouLed InLo LIe
pIone, "GeL me some coIIee, quIck!"

TIe voIce Irom LIe oLIer sIde responded, "You IooI
vou've dIuIed LIe wrong exLensIon! Do vou know
wIo vou're LuIkIng Lo?"

"No," repIIed LIe LruInee.

"L's LIe munugIng dIrecLor oI LIe compunv, vou
IooI!" TIe mun sIouLed buck, "And do vou know
wIo YOU ure LuIkIng Lo, vou IooI?"

"No," repIIed LIe dIrecLor. "Good," suId LIe LruInee
us Ie Iung up.

1. Who is Muryloo

A womun cume up beIInd Ier Iusbund wIIIe Ie wus
enjovIng IIs mornIng coIIee und sIupped IIm on LIe
buck oI LIe Ieud.

" Iound u pIece oI puper In vour punLs pockeL wILI
LIe nume 'MurvIou' wrILLen on IL," sIe suId, IurIous.
"You Iud beLLer Iuve un expIunuLIon."

"CuIm down, Ionev," LIe mun repIIed. "Remember
IusL week wIen wus uL LIe dog Lruck? TIuL wus LIe
nume oI LIe dog beL on."
47
TIe nexL mornIng, IIs wIIe snuck up on IIm und
smucked IIm uguIn.

"WIuL wus LIuL Ior?" Ie compIuIned.

"Your dog cuIIed IusL nIgIL."

1. My Hosbund Is u ReIriuerutor

A womun goes Lo u psvcIIuLrIsL und suvs, "DocLor,
vou've goL Lo do someLIIng ubouL mv Iusbund - Ie
LIInks Ie's u reIrIgeruLor!"

" wouIdn'L worrv Loo mucI ubouL IL," LIe docLor
repIIes. "oLs oI peopIe Iuve IurmIess deIusIons. L
wIII puss."

"BuL vou don'L undersLund," LIe womun InsIsLs. "He
sIeeps wILI IIs mouLI open, und LIe IILLIe IIgIL
keeps me uwuke."

1A. God's Best Iriend

Mom und Dud were LrvIng Lo consoIe SusIe, wIose
dog Iud recenLIv dIed.

"You know, IL's noL vour IuuIL LIuL LIe dog dIed.
He's probubIv up In Ieuven rIgIL now, IuvIng u
grund oId LIme wILI God."

SusIe, sLIII crvIng, suId "WIuL wouId God wunL wILI
u deud dog?"

1=. The Orduined Loun Shurk

SILLIng bv LIe wIndow In Ier convenL, SIsLer Anne
opened u IeLLer Irom Iome und Iound u $1o bIII
InsIde.

As sIe reud LIe IeLLer sIe cuugIL sIgIL oI u sIubbIIv
dressed sLrunger IeunIng uguInsL u IumpposL beIow.

QuIckIv sIe wroLe, "Don'L despuIr, SIsLer Anne" on u
pIece oI puper, wrupped LIe $1o In IL und dropped IL
ouL LIe wIndow.

TIe sLrunger pIcked IL up und, wILI u puzzIed
expressIon und u LIp oI IIs IuL, wenL oII down LIe
sLreeL.

TIe nexL duv SIsLer Anne wus LoId LIuL u mun wus uL
LIe door, InsIsLIng on seeIng Ier.
SIe wenL down und Iound LIe sLrunger wuILIng.
WILIouL u word, Ie Iunded Ier u roII oI bIIIs.

"WIuL's LIIs?" sIe usked.

TIuL's LIe 6o bucks vou Iuve comIng. Don'L DespuIr
puId IIve Lo one."

16. rinkinu u Toust

A mun und u womun were InvoIved In u LerrIbIe cur
uccIdenL und boLI curs were LoLuIed. TIev cIImbed
Irom LIe wreckuge und LIe womun sLood In uwe.

"Our curs ure demoIIsIed, veL we wuIk unIurmed.
TIIs musL be u sIgn Irom God LIuL we ure Lo be besL
IrIends Ior LIe resL oI our IIves," sIe spoke wIseIv.

" ugree compIeLeIv, mu'um," LIe mun repIIed.

TIe womun sLepped cIoser Lo exumIne LIe dumuge
und noLIced someLIIng sIInv wILIIn Ier cur.
ReucIIng In, sIe puIIed ouL un unbroken boLLIe.

"TIIs boLLIe oI wIne wusn'L even crucked. LIInk
LIIs Is unoLIer sIgn LIuL we ure Lo drInk u LousL Lo
our new IrIendsIIp."

"TIuL's u greuL Ideu, mIss," LIe mun unswered
LukIng LIe boLLIe Irom Ier. He popped LIe cork und
drunk IIs sIure. "'m sorrv. How rude oI me. WouId
vou IIke some?"

"No, LIunks," cume Ier repIv. "'II jusL wuIL on LIe
cops Lo geL Iere."

1. Mom's Truin-inu Session

One duv, u moLIer workIng In Ier kILcIen Ieurs Ier
son pIuvIng wILI IIs eIecLrIc LruIns In LIe IIvIng
room.

SIe Ieurs LIe LruIn sLop und Ier son suvs, "AII vou
jerks wIo wunL oII, geL LIe Ieck oII now becuuse
LIIs Is LIe IusL sLop! AII vou morons wIo ure geLLIng
on, geL vour buLLs on LIe LruIn now. We're IeuvIng!"

Mom goes InLo LIe IIvIng room und LeIIs Ier son,
"We don'L ucL rude In LIIs Iouse. Now go Lo vour
room Ior un Iour. WIen vou come buck down, vou
muv pIuv wILI vour LruIns us Iong us vou're more
poIILe."
48
An Iour IuLer, LIe moLIer Is sLIII workIng In LIe
kILcIen wIen Ier son comes ouL oI IIs room und
resumes pIuvIng wILI LIe LruIns.

TIe LruIn sLops uguIn und sIe Ieurs, "AII pussengers
wIo ure dIsemburkIng LIe LruIn, pIeuse remember
Lo Luke uII vour beIongIngs. We LIunk vou Ior rIdIng
wILI us Loduv und Iope vour LrIp wus u pIeusunL
one. or LIose jusL bourdIng, we usk LIuL vou sLore
vour Iund Iugguge under LIe seuL und we Iope vou
enjov vour LrIp. or LIose oI vou wIo ure LIcked oII
ubouL LIe Iour deIuv, pIeuse see LIe Iug In LIe
kILcIen."

1S. Ieelinu like A Million Tox

A IILLIe gIrI wus wuLcIIng Ier purenLs dress Ior u
purLv. WIen sIe suw Ier dud donnIng IIs Luxedo,
sIe wurned, "Duddv, vou sIouIdn'L weur LIuL suIL."

"And wIv noL, durIIng?"

"You know LIuL IL uIwuvs gIves vou u IeuducIe nexL
mornIng."

1n. Gruvity Ior ommies

Two IdIoLs wuIk InLo u peL sLore. TIe IIrsL suvs, "
wunL Iour budgIes."

TIe suIesmun repIIes, "CerLuInIv sIr, wouId vou IIke
Lwo muIe und Lwo IemuIe, or uII muIe or uII IemuIe?

TIe IdIoL sIooLs buck, " don'L cure. jusL wunL Iour
budgIes!"

TIe suIesmun, wILIouL IosIng IIs cooI, conLInues:
"Verv weII sIr, wIuL coIor wouId vou IIke LIem Lo
be? We Iuve veIIow, bIue, gr..."

TIe IdIoL InLerrupLs, veIIIng, " don'L gIve u durn
wIuL coIor LIev ure, jusL puL Iour budgIes In u box
Ior me. s LIuL Loo Iurd?"

TIe suIesmun quIckIv grubs Iour bIrds Irom LIe
budgIe cuges und sIoves LIem InLo u peL currIer.
TIe second IdIoL puIIs ouL IIs wuIIeL und puvs Ior
LIe bIrds, und LIen boLI IdIoLs Ieuve.

TIev drIve ouL Lo u IIgI cIIII und LIe IIrsL IdIoL
reucIes In LIe box und puIIs ouL Lwo oI LIe bIrds,
grusps LIem IIrmIv und jumps oII LIe cIIII wIIIe
IIuppIng IIs urms. He pIummeLs IIke u rock und IILs
LIe boLLom oI LIe cIIII wILI u Ioud SPAT.

TIe second IdIoL Iooks down uL IIs IrIend's mungIed
remuIns und suvs, "Dung, LIIs budgIe jumpIng Isn'L
uII IL's crucked up Lo be."

1So. Her Relutionship Lucks Iire!

A voung Iudv cume Iome verv sud Irom u duLe. SIe
LoId Ier moLIer, "AnLIonv proposed Lo me un Iour
ugo."

"TIen wIv ure vou so sud?" Ier moLIer usked.

"Becuuse Ie uIso LoId me Ie Is un uLIeIsL. Mom, Ie
doesn'L even beIIeve LIere's u HeII."

Her moLIer repIIed, "Murrv IIm unvwuv. BeLween
LIe Lwo oI us, we'II sIow IIm Iow wrong Ie Is."

1S1. He Ilies With Bud Iyes!

An uIrIIne pIIoL wILI poor evesIgIL Iud munuged Lo
puss IIs perIodIc vIsIon exums bv memorIzIng LIe
eve cIurLs beIoreIund. One veur, LIougI, IIs docLor
used u new cIurL LIuL LIe pIIoL Iud never beIore
seen. TIe pIIoL proceeded Lo recILe LIe oId cIurL
und LIe docLor reuIIzed LIuL sIe'd been
IoodwInked.

WeII, LIe pIIoL proved Lo be neurIv us bIInd us u buL.
BuL LIe docLor couId noL conLuIn Ier curIosILv.
"How Is IL LIuL someone wILI vour evesIgIL cun
munuge Lo pIIoL u pIune uL uII? meun, Iow Ior
exumpIe do vou LuxI LIe pIune ouL Lo LIe runwuv?"

"WeII," suvs LIe pIIoL, "IL's reuIIv noL verv Iurd. AII
vou Iuve Lo do Is IoIIow LIe InsLrucLIons oI LIe
ground conLroIIer over LIe rudIo. And besIdes, LIe
Iundmurks Iuve uII become quILe IumIIIur Lo me
over LIe veurs."

" cun undersLund LIuL," repIIes LIe docLor. "BuL
wIuL ubouL LIe Luke-oII?"

"AguIn, u sImpIe procedure. jusL uIm LIe pIune
down LIe runwuv, go Lo IuII LIroLLIe, puII buck on
LIe sLIck, und oII we go!"

"BuL once vou're uIoIL?"
49
"OI, evervLIIng's IuIIv uuLomuLed LIese duvs. TIe
IIIgIL compuLer knows our desLInuLIon, und uII
Iuve Lo do Is IIL LIe uuLopIIoL und LIe pIune preLLv
mucI IIIes ILseII."

"BuL sLIII don'L see Iow vou Iund!"

"OI,

LIuL's LIe eusIesL purL oI uII. AII do Is use LIe
uIrporL's rudIo beucon Lo geL us on LIe proper gIIde
puLI. TIen jusL LIroLLIe down und wuIL Ior LIe co-
pIIoL Lo veII, 'AEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!' puII LIe
nose up, und LIe pIune Iunds jusL IIne!"

1S. un's octor Visit

Dun wusn'L IeeIIng weII, so Ie usked one oI IIs co-
workers Lo recommend u pIvsIcIun.

" know u greuL one In LIe cILv, buL Ie Is verv
expensIve," suId IIs coIIeugue. "He cIurges $=oo
Ior vour InILIuI vIsIL und $1oo Ior eucI vIsIL uILer
LIuL.".

Dun decIded Lo see LIIs docLor und suve u IILLIe
monev, Loo. He wuIked In und cIeerIIv unnounced,
"'m buck!".

NoL IooIed Ior u second, LIe docLor quIckIv
exumIned IIm und suId, "Verv good, jusL conLInue
LIe LreuLmenL prescrIbed on vour IusL vIsIL.."

1S. Cheqoe Thut Attitode ut the oor!

A grumpv oId mun wuIks InLo u bunk und suvs Lo LIe
LeIIer, " wunL Lo open u cIeque uccounL now, vou
jerk!"

TIe usLonIsIed mun repIIes, " beg vour purdon, sIr.
musL Iuve mIsundersLood vou. WIuL dId vou suv?"

"IsLen, knuckIeIeud. suId wunL Lo open u
cIeque uccounL now! So move IL!"

"'m verv sorrv sIr, buL LIuL kInd oI uLLILude Is noL
LoIeruLed In LIIs bunk." TIe LeIIer Ieuves LIe
wIndow und goes over Lo LIe bunk munuger Lo
InIorm IIm oI IIs sILuuLIon.

TIev boLI reLurn und LIe munuger usks LIe oId
mun, "SIr, wIuL seems Lo be LIe probIem Iere?"
"TIere Is no probIem," LIe mun suvs, " jusL won u
mIIIIon pounds In LIe IoLLerv und wunL Lo open u
durn cIeque uccounL In LIIs bunk! Ok?"

" see," suvs LIe munuger, "und LIIs IdIoL Is gIvIng
vou u Iurd LIme?"

1SA. The Key to Huppiness Is 'Plune' und
Simple

CIInLon, DoIe und PeroL ure on u Iong IIIgIL on AIr
orce One. PeroL puIIs ouL u $1oo bIII und suvs "'m
goIng Lo LIrow LIIs $1oo bIII ouL LIe wIndow und
muke someone down beIow Iuppv."

DoIe, noL wunLIng Lo be ouLdone, suvs, "I LIuL wus
mv $1oo bIII, wouId spIIL IL InLo Lwo $=o bIIIs und
muke Lwo peopIe down beIow Iuppv."

OI course CIInLon doesn'L wunL LIese Lwo
cundIduLes Lo ouLdo IIm, so Ie pIpes In, " wouId
InsLeud Luke 1oo $1 bIIIs und LIrow LIem ouL Lo
muke 1oo peopIe jusL u IILLIe IuppIer."

AL LIIs poInL LIe pIIoL, wIo Ius overIeurd uII LIIs
bruggIng und cun'L sLund IL unvmore, comes ouL und
suvs, " LIInk 'II LIrow uII LIree oI vou ouL oI LIIs
pIune und muke z=o mIIIIon peopIe Iuppv."

1S=. As Time Ilies By

Everv mornIng Ior veurs, uL ubouL 11:oum, LIe
LeIepIone operuLor In u smuII SIerru-Nevudu Lown
receIved u cuII Irom u mun uskIng LIe exucL LIme.
One duv LIe operuLor summed-up LIe nerve Lo usk
IIm wIv LIe reguIurILv.

"'m Ioremun oI LIe IocuI suwmIII," Ie expIuIned.
"Everv duv Iuve Lo bIow LIe wIIsLIe uL noon, so
cuII vou Lo geL LIe exucL LIme."

TIe operuLor gIggIed, "TIuL's reuIIv Iunnv," sIe
suId. "AII LIIs LIme we've been seLLIng our cIock bv
vour wIIsLIe.

1S6. The Borulur

A burgIur broke InLo u Iouse. He sIIned IIs
IIusIIIgIL uround, IookIng Ior vuIuubIes, und wIen
Ie pIcked up u CD pIuver Lo pIuce In IIs suck, u
sLrunge, dIsembodIed voIce ecIoed Irom LIe durk
suvIng: "Jesus Is wuLcIIng vou."
50
He neurIv jumped ouL oI IIs skIn, cIIcked IIs
IIusIIIgIL ouL, und Iroze. WIen Ie Ieurd noLIIng
more uILer u bIL, Ie sIook IIs Ieud, promIsed
IImseII u vucuLIon uILer LIe nexL bIg IeIsL, LIen
begun seurcIIng Ior more vuIuubIes. JusL us Ie
puIIed LIe sLereo ouL so Ie couId dIsconnecL LIe
wIres, cIeur us u beII Ie Ieurd: "Jesus Is wuLcIIng
vou."

reuked ouL, Ie sIIned IIs IIgIL uround IrunLIcuIIv,
IookIng Ior LIe source oI LIe voIce. InuIIv, In LIe
corner oI LIe room, IIs IIusIIIgIL beum cume Lo resL
on u purroL. "DId vou suv LIuL?" He IIssed uL LIe
purroL.

"Yep," LIe purroL squuwked: "'m jusL LrvIng Lo
wurn vou."

TIe burgIur reIuxed "Wurn me, IuI? WIo In LIe
worId ure vou?"

"Moses," repIIed LIe bIrd.

"Moses?" LIe burgIur IuugIed. "WIuL kInd oI peopIe
wouId nume u bIrd Moses?"

TIe bIrd repIIes: "TIe kInd oI peopIe wIo wouId
nume u RoLLweIIer Jesus."

1S. Mud Cow Indeed

A mun wuIks InLo u resLuurunL wILI IIs wIIe. TIe
wuILer upproucIes LIe LubIe und usks Ior LIeIr
order.

"'II Iuve vour bIggesL, juIcIesL ondon BroII," Ie
suvs.

"BuL sIr, wIuL ubouL LIe mud cow?!" usks LIe
wuILer.

"OI," unswers LIe mun, "sIe'II order Ior IerseII."

1SS. Are Yoo Moses?

George W. BusI wus uL LIe DuIIes uIrporL wIen Ie
suw u mun LIuL Iooked IIke Moses. He rusIed over
Lo IIm und usked, "Are vou Moses?"

TIe mun Iooked uL IIm Ior u Iew seconds, LIen run
uwuv. George cIused uILer IIm, buL IosL IIm In LIe
crowd. A Iew mInuLes IuLer Ie uguIn suw LIe mun,
run up Lo IIm und usked, "Are vou Moses?"

TIe mun uguIn Iooked uL IIm, und beIore George
couId suv unoLIer word, Ie run uwuv. George
cIused uILer IIm buL uguIn IosL IIm In LIe crowd oI
peopIe.

A IILLIe IuLer, Ie uguIn suw LIe mun, LIIs LIme In u
corner oI LIe uIrporL. George LIougIL Lo IImseII
LIuL LIIs LIme LIe mun couIdn'L escupe. He run up Lo
LIe mun und usked IIm, "Are vou Moses?"

SeeIng LIuL Ie couIdn'L geL uwuv LIe mun repIIed,
"Yes, um Moses."

George W. usked, "TIen wIv dId vou run uwuv LIe
oLIer Lwo LImes usked vou?"

TIe mun repIIed, "TIe IusL LIme LuIked Lo u busI
spenL qo veurs In LIe deserL!"

1Sn. Pundu with u Gon

A Pundu wuIks InLo u resLuurunL. TIe wuILer Lukes
LIe Pundu's order.

WIen LIe order Is reudv, LIe wuILer Lukes IL Lo LIe
Pundu. TIe Pundu euLs LIe meuI, puIIs ouL u gun,
sIooLs LIe wuILer und runs ouL oI LIe resLuurunL.

TIe owner oI LIe resLuurunL goes runnIng uILer LIe
Pundu. WIen LIe resLuurunL owner IInuIIv cuLcIes
up Lo LIe Pundu, Ie usks, "WIv dId vou sIooL LIe
wuILer?"

TIe Pundu LeIIs LIe owner Lo Iook up "Pundu" In LIe
dIcLIonurv.

TIe owner goes buck Lo LIe resLuurunL und Iooks up
"Pundu" In LIe dIcLIonurv. Under "Pundu" IL suvs,
"EuLs sIooLs und Ieuves."

1no. Bike Ride

TIere wus un oId mun wIo uIwuvs rode IIs bIke Lo
IIs broLIer's Iouse everv weekend. L Look IIm z
Iours und Ie uIwuvs mude IL bv LIere bv z p.m.

One duv Ie LrIed Lo muke IL In 1 Iour. CoIIupsIng on
u IIII Irom exIuusLIon, wIIIe sILLIng LIere, u
CorveLLe puIIs up und usks IIm II Ie needs u rIde.
51
TIe mun Iooks uL IIs wuLcI und sees Ie wouId be
IuLe II noL, buL LIere Is uIreudv u pussenger, so Ie
usks Iow?

"No probIem," suvs LIe mun In LIe corveLLe, "'ve
goL u rope In LIe buck und we'II LIe vour bIke Lo LIe
buck bumper und vou cun rIde."

TIe mun suvs, "Ok!"

TIev Luke oII und LIe drIver veIIs buck, "JusL veII
BEEP BEEP II 'm goIng Lo IusL." No probIem LIe
mun LIInks. TIev come Lo un InLersecLIon und u
errurI puIIs up, LIe mun's eve's wIden In IrIgIL.
Sure enougI, LIe IIgIL cIunges und LIev`re oII!
Anvwuv, LIe guv mude IL Lo IIs broLIers on LIme
und LIe 'VeLLe IosL.

MeunwIIIe, uL LIe IocuI poIIce depL... "Hev guvs LIe
weIrdesL LIIng jusL Iuppened Lo me. A errurI und u
'VeLLe jusL IosL me uL over 1zo mpI on MuIn SLreeL."

"WIuL's so weIrd ubouL LIuL?" usks LIe oLIer cops.
TIe IIrsL cop suvs, "TIere wus LIIs oId guv on u bIke
beIInd LIem screumIng BEEP BEEP und LrvIng Lo
puss!"

1n1. Bribe und Groom

DurIng LIe weddIng reIeursuI, LIe groom
upproucIed LIe pusLor wILI un unusuuI oIIer:

"ook, 'II gIve vou $1oo II vou'II cIunge LIe
weddIng vows. WIen vou geL Lo LIe purL wIere 'm
supposed Lo promIse Lo 'Iove, Ionor und obev' und
'be IuILIIuI Lo Ier Iorever,' 'd upprecIuLe IL II vou'd
jusL Ieuve LIuL ouL."

He pussed LIe mInIsLer u $1oo bIII und wuIked uwuv
suLIsIIed. On LIe duv oI LIe weddIng, wIen IL cume
LIme Ior LIe groom's vows, LIe pusLor Iooked LIe
voung mun In LIe eve und suId:

"WIII vou promIse Lo prosLruLe vourseII beIore Ier,
obev Ier everv commund und wIsI, serve Ier
breukIusL In bed everv mornIng oI vour IIIe, und
sweur eLernuIIv beIore God und vour IoveIv wIIe
LIuL vou wIII noL ever even Iook uL unoLIer womun,
us Iong us vou boLI sIuII IIve?"
TIe groom guIped und Iooked uround, und suId In u
LInv voIce, "Yes," LIen Ieuned Lowurd LIe pusLor und
IIssed: " LIougIL we Iud u deuI."

TIe pusLor puL u $1oo bIII InLo LIe groom's Iund
und wIIspered: "SIe mude me u beLLer oIIer."

1n. Yoonu Buker

A voung mun wus vIsILIng IIs broLIer und sIsLer-In-
Iuw Ior CIrIsLmus dInner und wus surprIsed Lo IInd
IIs voung nepIew, TImmv, IeIpIng LIem buke some
cupcukes.

AILer LIev were done, IIs sIsLer-In-Iuw uIIowed
TImmv Lo puL LIe IcIng on. WIen Ie Iud IInIsIed,
Ie brougIL LIem Lo LIe LubIe.

"TIe cupcukes Iook deIIcIous, TIm." IIs uncIe suId.
And Ie Look u bILe wIIIe IookIng uL LIe oLIer
cupcukes. "TImmv LIese ure so good."

As Ie IInIsIed one und Look unoLIer, Ie uguIn
compIImenLed IIs IILLIe nepIew. "TIe cupcukes Iook
beuuLIIuI, TIm," IIs uncIe suId. "How dId vou geL
LIem Iced so evenIv?" And Ie Look u Iurge bILe wIIIe
wuILIng Ior LIe unswer.

HIs nepIew repIIed, " IIcked LIem."

1n. A Iew Good Luwyers

A Iuwver Is sLundIng In u Iong IIne uL LIe box oIIIce.
SuddenIv, Ie IeeIs u puIr oI Iunds kneudIng IIs
sIouIders, buck, und neck. TIe Iuwver Lurns
uround. "WIuL LIe IeII do vou LIInk vou're doIng?"
"'m u cIIroprucLor, und 'm jusL keepIng In prucLIce
wIIIe 'm wuILIng In IIne."

"WeII, 'm u Iuwver, buL vou don'L see me screwIng
LIe guv In IronL oI me, do vou?

1nA. The Job Interview

AL LIe end oI u job InLervIew, LIe Iumun resources
person usked u voung engIneer jusL ouL oI MT wIuL
kInd oI suIurv Ie wus IookIng Ior.

"n LIe neIgIborIood oI $1qo,ooo u veur,
dependIng on LIe beneIILs puckuge," Ie suId.
52
"WeII, wIuL wouId vou suv Lo u puckuge oI =-weeks
vucuLIon, 1q puId IoIIduvs, IuII medIcuI und denLuI,
compunv muLcIIng reLIremenL Iund Lo =o% oI
suIurv, und u compunv cur...suv, u red CorveLLe?"

"Wow! Are vou kIddIng?" responded LIe engIneer.

"YeuI, buL vou sLurLed IL."

1n=. Jost u Kiss

WuIkIng up Lo u depurLmenL sLore's IubrIc counLer,
u preLLv gIrI usked, " wunL Lo buv LIIs muLerIuI Ior u
new dress. How mucI does IL cosL?"

"OnIv one kIss per vurd, " repIIed LIe smIrkIng muIe
cIerk.

"TIuL's IIne," repIIed LIe gIrI. "'II Luke Len vurds."
WILI expecLuLIon und unLIcIpuLIon wrILLen uII over
IIs Iuce, LIe cIerk IurrIedIv meusured ouL und
wrupped LIe cIoLI, LIen IeId IL ouL LeusIngIv. TIe
gIrI snupped up LIe puckuge und poInLed Lo u IILLIe
oId mun sLundIng besIde Ier. "Grundpu wIII puv LIe
bIII," sIe smIIed.

1n6. Is Thut Yoo're Iinul Answer?

our sopIomores uL u presLIgIous unIversILv were
LukIng orgunIc cIemIsLrv. TIev were doIng so weII
on uII LIe quIzzes, mId-Lerms, Iubs, eLc., LIuL eucI
Iud un "A" Ior LIe semesLer goIng In Lo IInuIs.

TIese Iour IrIends were so conIIdenL LIuL LIe
weekend beIore LIeIr IInuI exum, LIev decIded Lo go
Lo LIe neIgIborIng coIIege purLv wILI some IrIends.
TIev Iud u greuL LIme, buL uILer uII LIe IeurLv
purLvIng, LIev sIepL uII duv Sunduv und dIdn'L muke
IL buck unLII Monduv mornIng, mIssIng LIe LesL.

TIev Iound LIeIr proIessor und expIuIned Lo IIm
wIv LIev mIssed IL: LIev'd gone Ior LIe weekend
wILI LIe pIun Lo come buck In LIme Lo sLudv, buL
unIorLunuLeIv, LIev Iud u IIuL LIre on LIe wuv buck,
dIdn'L Iuve u spure, und couIdn'L geL IeIp Ior u Iong
LIme. As u resuIL, LIev mIssed LIe IInuI.

TIe proIessor LIougIL IL over und LIen ugreed LIev
couId muke up LIe IInuI LIe IoIIowIng duv. TIe
sLudenLs were eIuLed und reIIeved. TIev sLudIed
LIuL nIgIL und wenL In LIe nexL duv uL LIe
desIgnuLed LIme. He Iunded LIem LesL bookIeLs,
pIuced eucI oI LIem In u sepuruLe room und LoId
LIem Lo begIn.

TIev Iooked uL LIe IIrsL probIem, worLI IIve poInLs.
A sImpIe quesLIon ubouL Iree rudIcuI IormuLIon.
"CooI," LIev LIougIL, eucI one In IIs sepuruLe room,
"LIIs Is goIng Lo be eusv."

EucI IInIsIed LIe probIem und LIen Lurned Lo LIe
nexL. On LIe second puge wus wrILLen: (or =
poInLs): "WIIcI LIre?"

1n. Give Him u Triple

A guv In u bur Ieuns over Lo LIe guv nexL Lo IIm und
suvs, "Wunnu Ieur u redneck joke?"

TIe guv nexL Lo IIm repIIes, "BeIore vou LeII LIuL
joke, vou sIouId know someLIIng. 'm 6' LuII, zoo
Ibs. und u redneck. TIe guv sILLIng nexL Lo me Is
6'z", zz= Ibs. und u redneck. TIe IeIIu nexL Lo IIm Is
6'=", z=o Ibs. und u redneck. Do vou sLIII wunL Lo
LeII LIuL joke?"

TIe IIrsL guv suvs, "NuI. don'L wunL Lo Iuve Lo
expIuIn IL LIree LImes."

1nS. Jodument uy

men dIed und wenL Lo Ieuven. TIe kInd oI cur vou
were gIven Lo drIve depended on Iow vou IIved vour
IIIe on EurLI. TIe IIrsL mun wenL up Lo Ieuven und
SL. PeLer usked IIm Iud Ie ever cIeuLed on IIs wIIe.

He suId, "AII LIe LIme und wIen wusn'L doIng IL,
wus LIInkIng ubouL IL". He wus gIven u Yugo.

TIe second mun wenL up Lo Ieuven und SL. PeLer
usked IIm LIe sume quesLIon. He suId, "OnIv once
und begged Ier IorgIveness". He wus gIven u
CudIIIuc.

TIe LIIrd mun wenL up Lo Ieuven und SL. PeLer
usked IIm LIe sume quesLIon. He suId, "No, noL In
uII LIe veurs we were murrIed". He wus gIven u
errurI.

TIe IIrsL und second mun were drIvIng one duv und
suw LIe LIIrd mun sILLIng bv LIe sIde oI LIe roud
crvIng. TIev purked und wenL up Lo IIm.
53
TIe suId, "You never cIeuLed on vour wIIe und ure
drIvIng u errurI, wIv ure vou crvIng"?

TIe LIIrd mun suId, " jusL suw mv wIIe go bv und
sIe wus rIdIng u skuLebourd".

1nn. Missinu WiIe

TIe mun upproucIed u verv beuuLIIuI womun In u
Iurge supermurkeL und usked, "You know, 've IosL
mv wIIe Iere In LIe supermurkeL. Cun vou LuIk Lo
me Ior u coupIe oI mInuLes?"

"WIv?" sIe usks.

"Becuuse everv LIme LuIk Lo u u beuuLIIuI womun,
mv wIIe uppeurs ouL oI nowIere."

oo. The Iurmer

WIuL dId LIe Iurmer suv wIen Ie couIdn'L IInd IIs
LrucLor??

WIere's mv LrucLor!!??

o1. Mud Cows

Two cows were LuIkIng In LIe IIeId. One cow suvs,
"Huve vou Ieurd ubouL LIe Mud Cow dIseuse LIuL's
goIng uround?"

TIe oLIer cow unswers, "YeuI, mukes vou gIud
vou're u penguIn, doesn'L IL?"

o. Iirst Cluss Iliuht

A beuuLIIuI voung bIonde womun bourds u pIune Lo
New York wILI u LIckeL Ior LIe coucI secLIon. SIe
Iooks uL LIe seuLs In coucI und LIen Iooks InLo LIe
Iorwurd cubIn uL LIe IIrsL cIuss seuLs. SeeIng LIuL
LIe IIrsL cIuss seuLs uppeur Lo be mucI Iurger und
more comIorLubIe, sIe moves Iorwurd Lo LIe IusL
empLv one. TIe IIIgIL uLLendunL cIecks Ier LIckeL
und LeIIs LIe womun LIuL Ier seuL Is In coucI.

TIe bIonde repIIes, "'m voung, bIonde und
beuuLIIuI, und 'm goIng Lo sIL Iere uII LIe wuv Lo
New York."

IusLered, LIe IIIgIL uLLendunL goes Lo LIe cockpIL
und InIorms LIe cupLuIn oI LIe bIonde probIem. TIe
cupLuIn goes buck und LeIIs LIe womun LIuL Ier
ussIgned seuL Is In coucI.

AguIn, LIe bIonde repIIes, "'m voung, bIonde und
beuuLIIuI, und 'm goIng Lo sIL Iere uII LIe wuv Lo
New York."

TIe cupLuIn doesn'L wunL Lo cuuse u commoLIon,
und so reLurns Lo LIe cockpIL Lo dIscuss LIe bIonde
wILI LIe co-pIIoL. TIe co-pIIoL suvs LIuL Ie Ius u
bIonde gIrIIrIend, und LIuL Ie cun Luke cure oI LIe
probIem. He LIen goes buck und brIeIIv wIIspers
someLIIng InLo LIe bIonde's eur.

SIe ImmedIuLeIv geLs up, suvs, "TIunk vou so
mucI." Iugs LIe co-pIIoL, und rusIes buck Lo Ier
seuL In LIe coucI secLIon. TIe pIIoL und IIIgIL
uLLendunL, wIo were wuLcIIng wILI rupL uLLenLIon,
LogeLIer usk LIe co-pIIoL wIuL Ie Iud suId Lo LIe
womun.

He repIIes, " jusL LoId Ier LIuL LIe IIrsL cIuss
secLIon Isn'L goIng Lo New York."

o. Messuue Irom Above

One duv God wus IookIng down uL EurLI und suw uII
oI LIe evII LIuL wus goIng on. He decIded Lo send un
ungeI down Lo EurLI Lo cIeck IL ouL. He cuIIed u
IemuIe ungeI und senL Ier down Lo EurLI.

WIen sIe reLurned sIe LoId God LIuL IL wus Indeed
bud on EurLI. SIe reporLed LIuL =% Is bud und =%
Is good. God LIougIL u momenL und decIded He Iud
beLLer send down u muIe ungeI Lo geL boLI poInLs oI
vIew.

WIen LIe muIe ungeI reLurned Ie conIIrmed LIuL
EurLI wus In decIIne, =% wus bud und =% wus
good. God LIougIL ubouL wIuL He couId do ubouL
LIe sILuuLIon und decIded Lo e-muII LIe =% LIuL
were good wILI u IILLIe pep-LuIk, someLIIng Lo
encouruge LIem, someLIIng Lo IeIp keep LIem
goIng. Do vou know wIuL LIe e-muII suId?

...

...

OI! vou dIdn'L geL one eILIer ??
54
oA. Good Service

A wuILer brIngs LIe cusLomer LIe sLeuk Ie ordered
wILI IIs LIumb over LIe meuL.

"Are vou cruzv?" veIIed LIe cusLomer, "wILI vour
Iund on mv sLeuk?"

"WIuL" unswers LIe wuILer, "You wunL IL Lo IuII on
LIe IIoor uguIn?"

o=. In The Wuitinu Room

wus sILLIng In LIe wuILIng room oI LIe IospILuI
uILer mv wIIe Iud gone InLo Iubor und LIe nurse
wuIked ouL und suId Lo LIe mun sILLIng nexL Lo me,
"CongruLuIuLIons sIr, vou're LIe new IuLIer oI
LwIns!"

TIe mun repIIed, "How ubouL LIuL, work Ior LIe
DoubIemInL CIewIng Gum Compunv." TIe mun
LIen IoIIowed LIe womun Lo IIs wIIe's room.

AbouL un Iour IuLer, LIe sume nurse enLered LIe
wuILIng room und unnounced LIuL Mr. SmILI's wIIe
Ius jusL Iud LrIpIeLs. Mr. SmILI sLood up und suId,
"WeII, Iow do vu IIke LIuL, work Ior LIe M
Compunv."

TIe genLIemun LIuL wus sILLIng nexL Lo me LIen goL
up und sLurLed Lo Ieuve. WIen usked IIm wIv Ie
wus IeuvIng, Ie remurked, " LIInk need u breuLI
oI IresI uIr."

TIe mun conLInued, " work Ior ;-UP."

o6. Bud Bos river

A womun goL on u bus IoIdIng u bubv.
TIe bus drIver suId, "TIuL's LIe ugIIesL bubv 've
ever seen."

n u IuII, LIe womun sIummed Ier Iure InLo LIe Iure
box und Look un uIsIe seuL neur LIe reur oI LIe bus.
TIe mun seuLed nexL Lo Ier sensed LIuL sIe wus
ugILuLed und usked Ier wIuL wus wrong.

"TIe bus drIver InsuILed me," sIe Iumed.

TIe mun svmpuLIIzed und suId: "WIv, Ie's u pubIIc
servunL und sIouIdn'L suv LIIngs Lo InsuIL
pussengers."
"You're rIgIL," sIe suId. " LIInk 'II go buck up
LIere und gIve IIm u pIece oI mv mInd."

"TIuL's u good Ideu," LIe mun suId. "Here, IeL me
IoId vour monkev."

o. Compoter Irror

wus IuvIng LroubIe wILI mv compuLer, so cuIIed
RIck, LIe compuLer guv, Lo come over. RIck cIIcked
u coupIe oI buLLons und soIved LIe probIem.

He guve me u bIII Ior u mInImum servIce cuII. As Ie
wus wuIkIng uwuv, cuIIed uILer IIm, "So, wIuL wus
wrong?" He repIIed, "L wus un D Len T error."

dIdn'L wunL Lo uppeur sLupId, buL noneLIeIess
InquIred: "An D Len T error? WIuL's LIuL, In cuse
need Lo IIx IL uguIn?"

TIe compuLer guv grInned.... "Huven'L vou ever
Ieurd oI un D Len T error beIore?"

"No," repIIed. "WrILe IL down," Ie suId, "und
LIInk vou'II IIgure IL ouL."

So wroLe ouL ...... D 1 o T

oS. Three ocks

L seems LIere were LIree ducks swImmIng In u
pond In LIe purk. A poIIce oIIIcer comes up, puLs
LIem uII under urresL, und Lukes LIem In IronL oI
LIe judge.

TIe IIrsL duck wuIks up.

Judge: "WIuL's vour nume?"

IrsL duck: "Mv nume Is Duck."

Judge: "WIuL dId vou do?"

Duck: " dIdn'L do unvLIIng. wus jusL swImmIng
uround bIowIng bubbIes."

Judge: "TIere's noLIIng wrong wILI LIuL. You cun
go."

TIe second duck wuIks up.

Judge: "WIuL's vour nume?"
55
Second duck: "Mv nume Is Duck-Duck."

Judge: "WIuL dId vou do?"

Duck-Duck: " dIdn'L do unvLIIng. wus jusL
swImmIng uround bIowIng bubbIes."
Judge wILI puzzIed Iook on IIs Iuce: "TIere's
noLIIng wrong wILI LIuL. You cun go."

TIe LIIrd duck wuIks up.

Judge: " beL vour nume Is Duck-Duck-Duck."

TIIrd duck: "Nope. Mv nume Is BubbIes!"

on. Prood Mothers

our cuLIoIIc IudIes ure IuvIng coIIee LogeLIer.

TIe IIrsL womun LeIIs Ier IrIends, "Mv son Is u
PrIesL. WIen Ie wuIks InLo u room, evervone cuIIs
IIm "uLIer."

TIe second womun cIIrps, "WeII, mv son Is u
BIsIop. WIenever Ie wuIks InLo u room, peopIe suv
"Your gruce."

TIe LIIrd womun suvs smugIv, "Mv son Is u
CurdInuI. WIenever Ie wuIks InLo u room, peopIe
suv "Your EmInence."

TIe IourLI womun sIps Ier coIIee In sIIence. TIe
IIrsL LIree women gIve Ier LIIs subLIe "weII??"

SIe repIIes, "Mv son Is u gorgeous 6'z" sLrIpper.
WIen Ie wuIks InLo u room, peopIe suv "OI mv
GOD!"

1o. Tulk, Tulk

A survev:

"A mun speuks uround zooo words u duv und u
womun speuks uImosL doubIe oI LIuL, qooo words u
duv!!!"

A revIew:
Becuuse wIuLever u womun suvs, u mun never Ieurs
IL, sIe uIwuvs Ius Lo speuk IL uguIn.
11. Ponny

red: We Iud u burgIurv IusL nIgIL, und LIev Look
evervLIIng excepL LIe soup und LoweIs.

Hurrv: TIe dIrLv crooks!

1. Shurp Thinker

Q: WIuL Is LIe IusL LIIng LIuL goes LIrougI LIe
mInd oI u bee wIen IL IILs u wIndsIIeId?

A: Ls sLInger!

1. By Its Cover

A judge In IIs goIden veurs decIded LIuL reLIremenL
Iud become Loo borIng. So Ie voIunLeered us u
IIbrurIun uL IIs IocuI IIbrurv bruncI.

A week IuLer, IIs supervIsor, u sLern womun In Ier
sIxLIes, cuIIed IIm InLo Ier oIIIce.

SIe cIeured Ier LIrouL und suId, "You know,
upprecIuLe LIuL wIen vou were u judge vou were
sLern wILI Iuwbreukers. And vou currv LIuL wILI vou
Lo vour new job, wIIcI Is commendubIe. BuL wIen
someone owes un overdue IIne, vou cun'L jusL - "

" Iud Lo LIrow LIe book uL IIm," suId LIe judge.

" know," suId LIe IIbrurIun, "buL LIe OxIord
EngIIsI DIcLIonurv?"

1A. SuIuri So Goody

A weuILIv mun decIded Lo go on u suIurI In AIrIcu.
He Look IIs IuILIIuI peL dog uIong Ior compunv. One
duv LIe dog sLurLs cIusIng buLLerIIIes und beIore
Iong Ie dIscovers LIuL Ie Is IosL. So, wunderIng
ubouL Ie noLIces u Ieopurd IeudIng rupIdIv In IIs
dIrecLIon wILI LIe obvIous InLenLIon oI IuvIng
IuncI.

TIe dog LIInks, "Bov, 'm In deep doo doo now."
TIen Ie noLIced some bones on LIe ground cIose
bv, und ImmedIuLeIv seLLIes down Lo cIew on LIe
bones wILI IIs buck Lo LIe upproucIIng cuL.

JusL us LIe Ieopurd Is ubouL Lo Ieup, LIe dog
excIuIms IoudIv, "Mun, LIuL wus one deIIcIous
56
Ieopurd. wonder II LIere ure unv more uround
Iere?"

HeurIng LIIs LIe Ieopurd IuILs IIs uLLuck In mId
sLrIde, us u Iook oI Lerror comes over IIm, und
sIInks uwuv InLo LIe Lrees.

"WIew", suvs LIe Ieopurd. "TIuL wus cIose. TIuL
dog neurIv Iud me."

MeunwIIIe, u monkev wIo Iud been wuLcIIng LIe
wIoIe scene Irom u neurbv Lree, IIgures Ie cun puL
LIIs knowIedge Lo good use und Lrude IL Ior
proLecLIon Irom LIe Ieopurd. So, oII Ie goes. BuL LIe
dog suw IIm IeudIng uILer LIe Ieopurd wILI greuL
speed, und IIgured LIuL someLIIng musL be up. TIe
monkev soon cuLcIes up wILI LIe Ieopurd, spIIIs LIe
beuns und sLrIkes u deuI Ior IImseII wILI LIe
Ieopurd. TIe cuL Is IurIous uL beIng mude u IooI oI
und suvs, "Here monkev, Iop on mv buck und see
wIuL's goIng Lo Iuppen Lo LIuL connIvIng cunIne."

Now LIe dog sees LIe Ieopurd comIng wILI LIe
monkev on IIs buck, und LIInks," WIuL um goIng
Lo do now?" BuL InsLeud oI runnIng, LIe dog sILs
down wILI IIs buck Lo IIs uLLuckers preLendIng Ie
Iusn'L seen LIem veL. And jusL wIen LIev geL cIose
enougI Lo Ieur, LIe dog suvs, "WIere's LIuL
monkev. jusL cun never LrusL IIm. senL IIm oII
IuII un Iour ugo Lo brIng me unoLIer Ieopurd, und
Ie's sLIII noL buck!!"

1=. Sonduy Sermon

TIe preucIer's Sunduv sermon wus, "IorgIve vour
enemIes." He usked LIe congreguLIon Iow munv
Iuve IorgIven LIeIr enemIes. AbouL IuII IeId up
LIeIr Iunds. He LIen repeuLed IIs quesLIon. Now
ubouL 8o% IeId up LIeIr Iunds. He LIen repeuLed
IIs quesLIon uguIn. TIIs LIme uII responded, excepL
one eIderIv Iudv.

"Mrs. Jones, ure vou noL wIIIIng Lo IorgIve vour
enemIes?" " don'L Iuve unv," sIe repIIed.

"Mrs. Jones, LIuL Is verv unusuuI. How oId ure
vou?"

"NIneLv-LIree," sIe repIIed.
"Mrs. Jones, pIeuse come down In IronL und LeII LIe
congreguLIon Iow u person cunnoL Iuve un enemv
In LIe worId."

TIe IILLIe sweeLIeurL oI u Iudv LoLLered down LIe
uIsIe, und suId: "IL's eusv, jusL ouL-IIved LIose
bILcIes."

16. Nuil Biter

A voung womun wIo wus worrIed ubouL Ier IubIL oI
bILIng Ier IIngernuIIs down Lo LIe quIck wus
udvIsed bv u IrIend Lo Luke up vogu.

SIe dId, und soon Ier IIngernuIIs were growIng
normuIIv.

Her IrIend usked Ier II vogu Iud LoLuIIv cured Ier
nervousness.

"No," sIe repIIed, "buL now cun reucI mv Loe-nuIIs
so bILe LIem InsLeud."

1. Tomuto Iumily

TIere were LomuLoes...mumu LomuLo pupu LomuLo
und bubv LomuLo. One duv LIev were wuIkIng down
LIe sLreeL und bubv LomuLo wus IuggIng beIInd...
pupu LomuLo squusIes bubv LomuLo und suvs "cuLcI
up"

1S. Little Goy

A mun wuIks InLo u bur und suvs, "BurLender, gIve
me Lwo sIoLs. One Ior me und one Ior mv besL
buddv."

BurLender suvs, "You wunL LIem boLI now or do vou
wunL me Lo wuIL unLII vour buddv urrIves Lo pour
IIs?"

TIe guv suvs, "OI, wunL LIem boLI now. 've goL
mv besL buddv In mv pockeL Iere." He LIen puIIs u
IILLIe -IncI mun ouL oI IIs pockeL.

TIe burLender usks, "You meun Lo suv, Ie cun drInk
LIuL mucI?" "OI, sure. He cun drInk IL uII und LIen
some," LIe mun reLorLed.

So, LIe burLender pours LIe z sIoLs und sure
enougI, LIe IILLIe guv drInks IL uII up.
57
"TIuL's umuzIng!" suvs LIe burLender. "WIuL eIse
cun Ie do? Cun Ie wuIk?"

TIe mun IIIcks u quurLer down Lo LIe end oI LIe bur
und suvs, "Hev, Rodnev, go IeLcI LIuL quurLer." TIe
IILLIe guv runs down Lo LIe end oI LIe bur, pIcks up
LIe quurLer und runs buck down und gIves IL Lo LIe
mun.

TIe burLender Is In LoLuI sIock. "TIuL's umuzIng!"
Ie suvs. "WIuL eIse cun Ie do? Does Ie LuIk?"

TIe mun Iooks up uL LIe burLender wILI u Iook oI
surprIse In IIs eve und suvs, "TuIk? Sure Ie LuIks.

Hev, Rodnev, LeII IIm ubouL LIuL LIme we were In
down In AIrIcu on suIurI IunLIng und vou cuIIed LIuL
nuLIve WILcI docLor un IdIoL!"

1n. Stund Lp

A mun soberIng up Irom LIe nIgIL beIore wus
sILLIng LIrougI LIe Sunduv sermon, IIndIng IL Iong
und borIng. SLIII IeeIIng Iung over und LIred, Ie
IInuIIv nodded oII.

TIe prIesL Iud been wuLcIIng IIm uII uIong,
noLIcIng IIs uppurenL Iungover und wus dIsgusLed.
AL LIe end oI LIe sermon, LIe preucIer decIded Lo
muke un exumpIe oI IIm.

He suId Lo IIs congreguLIon, "AII LIose wIsIIng Lo
Iuve u pIuce In Ieuven, pIeuse sLund." TIe wIoIe
room sLood excepL, oI course, LIe sIeepIng mun.

TIen LIe preucIer suId even more IoudIv, "And Ie
wIo wouId IIke Lo IInd u pIuce In IeII, pIeuse
STAND UP!"

TIe weurv mun cuugIL onIv LIe IusL purL und
groggIIv sLood up, onIv Lo IInd LIuL Ie wus LIe onIv
one sLundIng.

ConIused und emburrussed Ie suId, " don'L know
wIuL we're voLIng on Iere, uLIer, buL IL sure seems
IIke vou und me ure LIe onIv ones sLundIng up Ior
IL!"

o. Hulloween Homor

Q: WIuL do vou geL wIen vou goose u gIosL?
A: A IundIuI oI sIeeL!

1. The Grocery Store

A mun observed u womun In LIe grocerv sLore wILI
u LIree veur oId gIrI In Ier buskeL. As LIev pussed
LIe cookIe secLIon, LIe cIIId usked Ior cookIes und
Ier moLIer LoId Ier "no." TIe IILLIe gIrI ImmedIuLeIv
begun Lo wIIne und Iuss, und LIe moLIer suId
quIeLIv, "Now EIIen, we jusL Iuve IuII oI LIe uIsIes
IeIL Lo go LIrougI; don'L be upseL. L won'L be Iong."

He pussed LIe MoLIer uguIn In LIe cundv uIsIe. OI
course, LIe IILLIe gIrI begun Lo sIouL Ior cundv.
WIen sIe wus LoId sIe couIdn'L Iuve unv, sIe begun
Lo crv.

TIe moLIer suId, "TIere, LIere, EIIen, don'L crv.
OnIv Lwo more uIsIes Lo go, und LIen we'II be
cIeckIng ouL."

TIe mun uguIn Iuppened Lo be beIInd LIe puIr uL
LIe cIeck-ouL, wIere LIe IILLIe gIrI ImmedIuLeIv
begun Lo cIumor Ior gum und bursL InLo u LerrIbIe
LunLrum upon dIscoverIng LIere wouId be no gum
purcIused Loduv.

TIe moLIer puLIenLIv suId, "EIIen, we'II be LIrougI
LIIs cIeck ouL sLund In IIve mInuLes, und LIen vou
cun go Iome und Iuve u nIce nup."

TIe mun IoIIowed LIem ouL Lo LIe purkIng IoL und
sLopped LIe womun Lo compIImenL Ier.

" couIdn'L IeIp noLIcIng Iow puLIenL vou were wILI
IILLIe EIIen..."

TIe moLIer broke In, "Mv IILLIe gIrI's nume Is
Tummv...'m EIIen."

. Mexicun Smouuler

Juun comes up Lo LIe MexIcun border on IIs
bIcvcIe. He's goL Lwo Iurge bugs over IIs sIouIders.

TIe guurd sLops IIm und suvs, "WIuL's In LIe
bugs?"

"Sund," unswered Juun.

TIe guurd suvs, "We'II jusL see ubouL LIuL geL oII LIe
bIke." TIe guurd Lukes LIe bugs und rIps LIem
58
upurL; Ie empLIes LIem ouL und IInds noLIIng In
LIem buL sund.

He deLuIns Juun overnIgIL und Ius LIe sund
unuIvzed, onIv Lo dIscover LIuL LIere Is noLIIng buL
pure sund In LIe bugs. TIe guurd reIeuses Juun,
puLs LIe sund InLo new bugs, IeILs LIem onLo LIe
mun's sIouIders, und IeLs IIm cross LIe border.

A week IuLer, LIe sume LIIng Iuppens. TIe guurd
usks, "WIuL Iuve vou goL?"

"Sund," suvs Juun.

TIe guurd does IIs LIorougI exumInuLIon und
dIscovers LIuL LIe bugs conLuIn noLIIng buL sund.
He gIves LIe sund buck Lo Juun, und Juun crosses
LIe border on IIs bIcvcIe.

TIIs sequence oI evenLs II repeuLed everv duv Ior
LIree veurs. InuIIv, Juun doesn'L sIow up one duv
und LIe guurd meeLs IIm In u CunLInu In MexIco.

"Hev, Buddv," suvs LIe guurd, " know vou ure
smuggIIng someLIIng. L's drIvIng me cruzv. L's uII
LIInk ubouL..... cun'L sIeep. JusL beLween vou und
me, wIuL ure vou smuggIIng?"

Juun sIps IIs beer und suvs, "BIcvcIes."

. The Tooth Iuiry

WIIIe workIng Ior un orgunIzuLIon LIuL deIIvers
IuncIes Lo eIderIv sIuL-Ins, used Lo Luke mv q-
veur-oId duugILer on mv uILernoon rounds. SIe wus
unIuIIIngIv InLrIgued bv LIe vurIous uppIIunces oI
oId uge, purLIcuIurIv LIe cunes, wuIkers und
wIeeIcIuIrs.

One duv Iound Ier sLurIng uL u puIr oI IuIse LeeLI
soukIng In u gIuss. As bruced mvseII Ior LIe
InevILubIe burruge oI quesLIons, sIe mereIv Lurned
und wIIspered, "TIe LooLI IuIrv wIII never beIIeve
LIIs!"

A. The CliIIhunuer

A IuLIer wus LuIkIng Lo IIs son ubouL IIs wur duvs.
"And LIen, LIousunds oI IeeL ubove LIe ground,
puIIed LIe rIp cord. knew LIuL sIouId LIe
purucIuLe IuII Lo open, mv poor bruIns wouId be
dusIed ouL on LIe rocks beIow."
"And? DId vou survIve?!"

=. Cureer Choice

A purucIuLer wus LuIkIng Lo unoLIer mun ubouL IIs
skvdIvIng cureer.

"So," LIe mun usks, "wIuL mude vou Luke up LIe
sporL oI skvdIvIng?"

TIe purucIuLIsL repIIes, "A Iour engIne uIrpIune
wILI LIree deud engInes."

6. on't Give Lp

ILLIe JoInnv wuLcIed, IuscInuLed, us IIs moLIer
smooLIed coId creum on Ier Iuce.

"WIv do vou do LIuL, mommv?" Ie usked.

"To muke mvseII beuuLIIuI," suId IIs moLIer, wIo
LIen begun removIng LIe creum wILI u LIssue.

"WIuL's LIe muLLer?" usked ILLIe JoInnv. "GIvIng
up?"

. The Tule oI Jim und Idnu

JIm und Ednu were boLI puLIenLs In u menLuI
IospILuI.

One duv wIIIe LIev were wuIkIng pusL LIe IospILuI
swImmIng pooI, JIm suddenIv jumped InLo LIe deep
end. He sunk Lo LIe boLLom oI LIe pooI und sLuved
LIere. Ednu prompLIv jumped In Lo suve IIm. SIe
swum Lo LIe boLLom und puIIed JIm ouL.

WIen LIe medIcuI dIrecLor becume uwure oI Ednu's
IeroIc ucL Ie ImmedIuLeIv ordered Ier Lo be
dIscIurged Irom LIe IospILuI, us Ie now consIdered
Ier Lo be menLuIIv sLubIe.

WIen Ie wenL Lo LeII Ednu LIe news Ie suId, "Ednu,
Iuve good news und bud news. TIe good news Is
vou're beIng dIscIurged; sInce vou were ubIe Lo
ruLIonuIIv respond Lo u crIsIs bv jumpIng In und
suvIng LIe IIIe oI unoLIer puLIenL, Iuve concIuded
LIuL vour ucL dIspIuvs sound mIndedness.

TIe bud news Is, JIm, LIe puLIenL vou suved, Iung
IImseII rIgIL uILer vou suved IIm wILI IIs buLIrobe
beIL In LIe buLIroom. um so sorrv, buL Ie's deud."
59
Ednu repIIed "He dIdn'L Iung IImseII; puL IIm
LIere Lo drv... How soon cun go Home?"

S. LiIe Lessons

AILer LIe grude-scIooI cIuss comes buck InsIde, LIe
LeucIer usks AIIce, "WIuL dId vou do uL recess?"

AIIce suvs, " pIuved In LIe sundbox."

"TIuL's nIce," LIe LeucIer suvs. "I vou cun go Lo LIe
bIuckbourd und wrILe 'sund' correcLIv, 'II gIve vou u
IresI-buked cookIe." AIIce does, und sIe geLs u
cookIe.

TIen LIe LeucIer usks BIIIv wIuL Ie dId uL recess.

BIIIv suvs, " pIuved In LIe sundbox wILI AIIce."

TIe LeucIer suvs, "Good. I vou cun wrILe 'box' on
LIe bIuckbourd, 'II gIve vou u IresI-buked cookIe."
BIIIv wrILes LIe word, und Ie geLs u cookIe.

TIe LeucIer LIen usks MusLuIu AbduI wIuL Ie dId uL
recess. " LrIed Lo pIuv wILI AIIce und BIIIv,"
MusLuIu unswers, "buL LIev LIrew rocks uL me."

"TIev LIrew rocks uL vou? TIuL sounds IIke bIuLunL
rucIuI dIscrImInuLIon!" LIe LeucIer suvs.

"I vou cun go Lo LIe bIuckbourd und wrILe 'bIuLunL
rucIuI dIscrImInuLIon', 'II gIve vou u IresI-buked
cookIe."

n. The Tuxi Ride

A LourIsL Is pIcked up bv u cubbIe In New York on u
durk nIgIL. TIe pussenger Lups LIe drIver on LIe
sIouIder Lo usk IIm someLIIng.

TIe drIver screums, Ioses conLroI oI LIe cur, neurIv
IILs u bus, drIves up on LIe sIdewuIk, und sLops
IncIes Irom u sIop wIndow.

or u second evervLIIng wenL quIeL In LIe cub, LIen
LIe drIver suId, "ook IrIend, don'L EVER do LIuL
uguIn. You scured LIe duvIIgILs ouL oI me!"

TIe pussenger upoIogIzes und suvs Ie dIdn'L reuIIze
LIuL u "IILLIe Lup" couId scure IIm so mucI. TIe
drIver, uILer guLIerIng IImseII LogeLIer repIIed,
"Sorrv, IL's noL reuIIv vour IuuIL. Toduv Is mv IIrsL
duv us u cub drIver - 've been drIvIng Ieurses Ior
LIe IusL z= veurs."

o. Green Side Lp!

A puInLIng conLrucLor wus speukIng wILI u womun
ubouL Ier decoruLIng job. n LIe IIrsL room sIe suId
sIe wouId IIke u puIe bIue. TIe conLrucLor wroLe
LIIs down und wenL Lo LIe wIndow, opened IL, und
veIIed ouL, "green sIde up!"

n LIe second room sIe LoId LIe puInLer sIe wouId
IIke IL puInLed In u soIL veIIow. He wroLe LIIs on IIs
pud, wuIked Lo LIe wIndow, opened IL, und veIIed,
"green sIde up!"

TIe Iudv wus somewIuL curIous buL sIe suId
noLIIng.

n LIe LIIrd room sIe suId sIe wouId IIke IL puInLed
u wurm rose coIor. TIe puInLer wroLe LIIs down,
wuIked Lo LIe wIndow, opened IL und veIIed, "green
sIde up!"

TIe Iudv LIen usked IIm, "WIv do vou keep veIIIng
'green sIde up'?" "'m sorrv," cume LIe repIv. "BuL
Iuve u crew oI bIondes IuvIng u Iuwn ucross LIe
sLreeL.

1. em Bones

Some LourIsLs In LIe CIIcugo Museum oI NuLuruI
HIsLorv were murveIIng uL LIe dInosuur bones. One
oI LIem usked LIe guurd, "Cun vou LeII me Iow oId
LIe dInosuur bones ure?"

TIe guurd repIIed, "TIev ure mIIIIon, Iour veurs,
und sIx monLIs oId."

"TIuL's un uwIuIIv exucL number," suvs LIe LourIsL.
"How do vou know LIeIr uge so precIseIv?"

TIe guurd unswered, "WeII, LIe dInosuur bones
were LIree mIIIIon veurs oId wIen sLurLed workIng
Iere, und LIuL wus Iour und u IuII veurs ugo."

. Ilephunt Opinion

WIuL dId LIe eIepIunL suv Lo LIe IIrsL nuked mun Ie
ever suw?

Answer: CuLe, buL cun IL pIck up peunuLs?
60
. LiIe Ixpluined

On LIe IIrsL duv, God creuLed LIe cow. God suId,
"You musL go Lo LIe IIeId wILI LIe Iurmer uII duv
Iong und suIIer under LIe sun, Iuve cuIves und gIve
mIIk Lo supporL LIe Iurmer. wIII gIve vou u IIIespun
oI 6o veurs." TIe cow suId, "TIuL's kInd oI u LougI
IIIe vou wunL me Lo IIve Ior 6o veurs. eL me Iuve
zo und 'II gIve buck LIe oLIer qo." And God ugreed.

On LIe second duv, God creuLed LIe monkev. God
suId, "EnLerLuIn peopIe, do monkev LrIcks, muke
LIem IuugI 'II gIve vou u zo-veur IIIespun." TIe
monkev suId, "How borIng, monkev LrIcks Ior zo
veurs? don'L LIInk so. GIve me 1o veurs und 'II
gIve vou buck LIe oLIer 1o." God ugreed uguIn.

On LIe LIIrd duv, God creuLed LIe dog. God suId,
"SIL uII duv bv LIe door oI vour Iouse und burk uL
unvone wIo comes In or wuIks pusL. wIII gIve vou u
IIIespun oI zo veurs." TIe dog suId, "TIuL's Loo Iong
Lo be burkIng. Monkev guve vou buck 1o, so LIuL's
wIuL 'II do Loo, okuv?" So God ugreed (sIgI).

On LIe IourLI duv, God creuLed mun. God suId,
"EuL, sIeep, pIuv, Iuve sex, enjov. Do noLIIng, jusL
enjov, enjov. 'II gIve vou zo veurs." Mun suId,
"WIuL? OnIv zo veurs? No wuv, mun. TeII vou wIuL,
'II Luke LIe zo, und LIe qo LIe cow guve buck, und
LIe 1o LIe monkev guve buck und LIe 1o LIe dog
guve buck, LIuL mukes 8o, okuv?" "Okuv," suId God.
"You've goL u deuI."

So LIuL Is wIv LIe IIrsL zo veurs we euL, sIeep, pIuv,
Iuve sex, enjov, und do noLIIng; Ior LIe nexL qo
veurs we sIuve In LIe sun Lo supporL our IumIIv; Ior
LIe nexL 1o veurs we do monkev LrIcks Lo enLerLuIn
LIe grundcIIIdren; und Ior LIe IusL 1o veurs we sIL
on LIe IronL porcI und burk uL evervone.

IIe Ius now been expIuIned.

A. A Testinu Qoestion

TIIs guv's wIIe usks, "Honev II dIed wouId vou
remurrv?"

He repIIes, "WeII, uILer u consIderubIe perIod oI
grIevIng, we uII need compunIonsIIp, guess
wouId."
SIe suvs, "I dIed und vou remurrIed, wouId sIe
IIve In LIIs Iouse?"

He repIIes, "We've spenL u IoL oI LIme und monev
geLLIng LIIs Iouse jusL LIe wuv we wunL IL. 'm noL
goIng Lo geL rId oI mv Iouse, guess sIe wouId."

So sIe usks, "I dIed und vou remurrIed, und sIe
IIved In LIIs Iouse, wouId sIe sIeep In our bed?"
und Ie suvs, "TIuL bed Is brund new, we jusL puId
$z,ooo Ior IL, IL's goIng Lo IusL u Iong LIme, guess
sIe wouId."

So sIe usks, "I dIed und vou remurrIed, und sIe
IIved In LIIs Iouse, und sIepL In our bed, wouId sIe
use mv goII cIubs?"

He suvs, "OI no, sIe's IeIL Iunded."

=. Snow White's New Cumeru

Snow WIILe receIved u cumeru us u gIIL. SIe jovIuIIv
Look munv pIcLures oI LIe Dwurves, LIe IoresL, LIe
unImuIs, eLc. SIe quIckIv IInIsIed Ier IIrsL roII, und
ImmedIuLeIv Look LIe IIIm InLo Lown Lo be
deveIoped.

"How Iong beIore LIev're reudv?" Snow usked LIe
cIerk. He InIormed Ier IL wouId be uL IeusL 6 duvs,
us LIev Iud Lo send IL Lo LIe BIg CILv Lo be
processed (remember, LIev dIdn'L Iuve 1-Iour
processIng OR edEx buck LIen!).

AILer u week, sIe wenL Lo geL LIe IInIsIed pIoLos.
TIe cIerk LoId Ier LIev were noL veL buck Irom LIe
processor.

"Come buck nexL week", Ie suId Lo Ier. OI course,
us LIe sLorv goes, sIe reLurned LIe IoIIowIng week
Ior Ier qx6 gIossIes, buL <GASP> LIev sLIII Iud noL
reLurned! Snow WIILe wus so dIsLruugIL LIuL sIe
sLurLed Lo sob rIgIL LIere uL LIe counLer.

TIe cIerk, LrvIng Lo consoIe Ier, (und wunLIng Lo
reIux LIe oLIer cusLomers, wIo were uIreudv
sLurLIng Lo sIIIL uncomIorLubIv, so LIev dIdn'L boIL
Irom LIe sLore) suId kIndIv,

"Don'L worrv, Deur... Someduv vour prInLs wIII
come."
61
6. At The OIIice

A mun wuIks InLo u psvcIIuLrIsL's oIIIce weurIng
onIv underweur mude oI Surun Wrup.

TIe psvcIIuLrIsL suvs, "WeII ... cun cIeurIv see
vou're nuLs."

. But

A vumpIre buL cume IIuppIng In Irom LIe nIgIL
covered In IresI bIood und purked IImseII on LIe
rooI oI LIe cuve Lo geL some sIeep.

PreLLv soon uII LIe oLIer buLs smeIIed LIe bIood und
begun IussIIng IIm ubouL wIere Ie goL IL. He LoId
LIem Lo knock IL oII und IeL IIm geL some sIeep buL
LIev persIsLed In IussIIng IIm Lo no end unLII
IInuIIv Ie guve In.

"OK!" Ie suId wILI exusperuLIon, "oIIow me." und
Ie IIew ouL oI LIe cuve wILI Iundreds oI buLs
IoIIowIng cIose beIInd IIm.

Down LIrougI LIe vuIIev LIev wenL, ucross LIe rIver
und InLo LIe deep IoresL. InuIIv Ie sIowed down
und uII LIe oLIer buLs excILedIv guLIered uround
IIm.

"Do vou see LIuL Lree over LIere?" Ie usked.

"Yes, ves, ves!" LIe buLs uII screumed In u Irenzv.

"Good," suId LIe IIrsL buL, "Becuuse DDN'T!"

S. Iishinu Ior u Week

A mun pIones Iome Irom LIe oIIIce und LeIIs IIs
wIIe, "SomeLIIng Ius jusL come up. Iuve LIe
cIunce Lo go IIsIIng Ior u week. L's LIe opporLunILv
oI u IIIeLIme. We Ieuve rIgIL uwuv, so cun vou puck
mv cIoLIes, mv IIsIIng equIpmenL, und especIuIIv
mv bIue sIIk pujumus? 'II be Iome In un Iour Lo
pIck LIem up."

He IurrIes Iome, grubs evervLIIng und rusIes oII.

A week IuLer Ie reLurns. HIs wIIe usks, "DId vou
Iuve u good LrIp?"

"OI ves, greuL! BuL vou IorgoL Lo puck mv bIue sIIk
pujumus."
"OI no dIdn'L. puL LIem In vour LuckIe box."

n. To conqoer or concor? Thut is the
qoestion.

A squud oI AmerIcun soIdIers wus puLroIIIng LIe
ruqI border, wIen LIev cume ucross u budIv
mungIed deud bodv. As LIev goL cIoser, LIev Iound
IL wus un ruqI soIdIer.

A sIorL dIsLunce up LIe roud, LIev Iound u budIv
mungIed AmerIcun soIdIer In u dILcI on LIe oLIer
sIde oI LIe roud, sLruggIIng Lo breuLIe. TIev run Lo
IIm, crudIed IIs bruIsed Ieud und usked IIm wIuL
Iud Iuppened.

"WeII," Ie wIIspered, " wus wuIkIng down LIIs
roud, urmed Lo LIe LeeLI wIen cume ucross LIIs
IeuvIIv urmed ruqI border guurd. Iooked IIm
rIgIL In LIe eve und sIouLed, 'Suddum HusseIn Is u
moronIc, deceILIuI, IvIng pIece oI LrusI!'" "He
Iooked me rIgIL In LIe eve und sIouLed buck,
'George W. BusI Is u moronIc, deceILIuI, IvIng pIece
oI LrusI Loo!'"

"We were sLundIng LIere sIukIng Iunds wIen LIe
Lruck IIL us."

Ao. isurminu Suddum

AII oI Suddum's bodv doubIes were cuIIed Lo u
meeLIng.

TIen, one mun sLood up und LoId LIem " Iuve
some good news und some bud news. TIe good
news Is LIuL Suddum survIved LIe bunker bombIng.
TIe bud news Is...Ie IosL un urm."

A1. Inuineerinu in Hell

An engIneer dIes und reporLs Lo LIe peurIv guLes. SL.
PeLer cIecks IIs dossIer und suvs, "AI, vou're un
engIneer -- vou're In LIe wrong pIuce."

So, LIe engIneer reporLs Lo LIe guLes oI IeII und Is
IeL In. PreLLv soon, LIe engIneer geLs dIssuLIsIIed
wILI LIe IeveI oI comIorL In IeII, und sLurLs
desIgnIng und buIIdIng ImprovemenLs. AILer uwIIIe,
LIev've goL uIr condILIonIng und IIusI LoIIeLs und
escuIuLors, und LIe engIneer Is u preLLv popuIur guv.
62
One duv, God cuIIs SuLun up on LIe LeIepIone und
suvs wILI u sneer, "So, Iow's IL goIng down LIere In
IeII?"

SuLun repIIes, "Hev, LIIngs ure goIng greuL. We've
goL uIr condILIonIng und IIusI LoIIeLs und
escuIuLors, und LIere's no LeIIIng wIuL LIIs engIneer
Is goIng Lo come up wILI nexL."

God repIIes, "WIuL??? You've goL un engIneer?
TIuL's u mIsLuke -- Ie sIouId never Iuve goLLen
down LIere; send IIm up Iere."

SuLun suvs, "No wuv." IIke IuvIng un engIneer on
LIe sLuII, und 'm keepIng IIm."

God suvs, "Send IIm buck up Iere or 'II sue."

SuLun IuugIs uprourIousIv und unswers, "YeuI,
rIgIL. And jusL wIere ure YOU goIng Lo geL u
Iuwver?"

A. Who's the Boss

Mv boss wus compIuInIng In our sLuII meeLIng LIe
oLIer duv LIuL Ie wusn'L geLLIng unv respecL. uLer
LIuL mornIng Ie wenL Lo u IocuI sIgn sIop und
bougIL u smuII sIgn LIuL reud, "'m LIe Boss". He
LIen Luped IL Lo IIs oIIIce door. uLer LIuL duv wIen
Ie reLurned Irom IuncI, Ie Iound LIuL someone Iud
Luped u noLe Lo LIe sIgn LIuL suId, "Your wIIe cuIIed.
SIe wunLs Ier sIgn buck!"

A. AIterliIe Anust

A LuxI drIver und u pusLor dIed und wenL Lo Heuven.
BoLI were sLundIng uL LIe peurIv guLes wIen SL.
PeLer comes up Lo LIem und suvs Lo LIe LuxI drIver,
"vou were u LuxI drIver Is LIuL rIgIL?"

TIe LuxI drIver suId, "Yes, wus."

SL. PeLer suvs, "See LIuL munsIon over LIe IIIILop,
LIuL's vours. Come, wIII Luke vou LIere."

MeunwIIIe, LIe pusLor Is wuILIng und LIInkIng,
wow, II LIe LuxI drIver geLs u pIuce IIke LIuL,
wonder wIuL wIII geL.

SL. PeLer comes buck Lo LIe pusLor und suvs, "Now
vou were u pusLor oI u cIurcI, rIgIL?"
"Yes wus," suId LIe pusLor.

SL. PeLer suvs, "See LIuL sIuck down In LIe vuIIev
LIuL's vours. Come, wIII Luke vou LIere.

A bIL upseL, LIe pusLor suvs, "SL. PeLer, don'L wunL
Lo quesLIon vou, buL Iow come LIe LuxI drIver geLs
LIe munsIon on LIe IIIILop und uII geL Is u sIuck In
LIe vuIIev? IeIped u IoL oI peopIe come Lo know
Jesus IncIudIng LIe LuxI drIver und preucIed everv
week."

SL. PeLer Lurned Lo LIe pusLor und suId sudIv, "WeII,
IL's IIke LIIs, wIen vou preucIed peopIe wenL Lo
sIeep, buL wIen LIe LuxI drIver drove peopIe
pruved."

AA. God's Wutchinu

TIe LeucIer puL Lwo buskeLs oI LreuLs on Ier desk, u
buskeL oI uppIes und u buskeL oI cookIes.

SIe LoId LIe sLudenLs Lo eucI Luke onIv one LreuL.

NexL Lo LIe buskeL oI uppIes wus u sIgn: "Tuke onIv
one, God Is wuLcIIng."

As one IILLIe bov reucIed over Lo Luke u cookIe, LIe
bov nexL Lo IIm suId, "Tuke uII vou wunL, God's
wuLcIIng LIe uppIes"!

A=. Locky Irou

A mun Lukes LIe duv oII work und decIdes Lo go ouL
goIIIng. He Is on LIe second IoIe wIen Ie noLIces u
Irog sILLIng nexL Lo LIe green. He LIInks noLIIng oI
IL und Is ubouL Lo sIooL wIen Ie Ieurs, RIbbIL
ron."

TIe mun Iooks uround und doesn'L see unvone.
AguIn, Ie Ieurs, "RIbbIL ron." He Iooks uL LIe
Irog und decIdes Lo prove LIe Irog wrong, puLs LIe
cIub uwuv, und grubs u Iron.

Boom! He IILs IL 1o IncIes Irom LIe cup. He Is
sIocked. He suvs Lo LIe Irog, "Wow LIuL's umuzIng.
You musL be u Iuckv Irog, eI?

TIe Irog repIIes, "RIbbIL uckv Irog." TIe mun
decIdes Lo Luke LIe Irog wILI IIm Lo LIe nexL IoIe.
"WIuL do vou LIInk Irog?" LIe mun usks. "RIbbIL
wood."
63
TIe guv Lukes ouL u wood und, Boom! HoIe In one.
TIe mun Is beIuddIed und doesn'L know wIuL Lo
suv. Bv LIe end oI LIe duv, LIe mun goIIed LIe besL
gume oI goII In IIs IIIe und usks LIe Irog, "OK wIere
Lo nexL?" TIe Irog repIIes, "RIbbIL us Vegus."

TIev go Lo us Vegus und LIe guv suvs, "OK Irog,
now wIuL?" TIe Irog suvs, "RIbbIL RouIeLLe." Upon
upproucIIng LIe rouIeLLe LubIe, TIe mun usks,
"WIuL do vou LIInk sIouId beL?" TIe Irog repIIes,
"RIbbIL $ooo, bIuck 6."

Now, LIIs Is u mIIIIon-Lo-one sIoL Lo wIn, buL uILer
LIe goII gume LIe mun IIgures wIuL LIe Ieck. Boom!
Tons oI cusI comes sIIdIng buck ucross LIe LubIe.

TIe mun Lukes IIs wInnIngs und buvs LIe besL room
In LIe IoLeI. He sILs LIe Irog down und suvs, "rog,
don'L know Iow Lo repuv vou. You've won me uII
LIIs monev und um Iorever gruLeIuI." TIe Irog
repIIes, "RIbbIL KIss Me."

He IIgures wIv noL, especIuIIv uILer uII LIuL LIe Irog
Ius done Ior IIm, Ie deserves IL. WILI u kIss, LIe
Irog Lurns InLo u gorgeous 1=-veur-oId gIrI. "And
LIuL, vour Ionor, Is Iow LIe gIrI ended up In mv
room. So IeIp me God. Or mv nume Is noL WIIIIum
JeIIerson CIInLon."

A6. Gone GolIinu

Joe wus LeIIIng IIs IrIend ubouL u wonderIuI gume
oI goII Ie Iud pIuved LIe duv beIore wILI LIree oI
IIs IuvorILe buddIes. However, Ie menLIoned LIuL
wIen LIev reucIed LIe ;LI IoIe, IIs IrIend Hurrv
Iud dropped deud.

"OI, mv gosI," suId IIs IrIend "LIuL's u sIume.
WIuL dId vou do?"

"WeII" Joe suId, " wouId IIL LIe buII, und drug oId
Hurrv, IIL LIe buII und drug oId Hurrv".

A. Smull Loun, Biu BeneIit

A mun wuIks InLo u bunk In New York CILv und usks
Ior LIe Ioun oIIIcer. He suvs Ie's goIng Lo Europe on
busIness Ior Lwo weeks und needs Lo borrow
$=,ooo. TIe bunk oIIIcer suvs LIe bunk wIII need
some kInd oI securILv Ior LIe Ioun, so LIe mun
Iunds over LIe kevs Lo u new RoIIs Rovce. TIe cur Is
purked on LIe sLreeL In IronL oI LIe bunk, Ie Ius LIe
LILIe und evervLIIng cIecks ouL.

TIe bunk ugrees Lo uccepL LIe cur us coIIuLeruI Ior
LIe Ioun. TIe bunk's presIdenL und ILs oIIIcers uII
enjov u good IuugI uL LIe mun Ior usIng u $z=o,ooo
RoIIs us coIIuLeruI uguInsL u $=,ooo Ioun. An
empIovee oI LIe bunk LIen proceeds Lo drIve LIe
RoIIs InLo LIe bunk's underground guruge und purks
IL LIere. Two weeks IuLer, LIe mun reLurns, repuvs
LIe $=,ooo und LIe InLeresL, wIIcI comes Lo $1=.q1.

TIe Ioun oIIIcer suvs, "SIr, we ure verv Iuppv Lo
Iuve Iud vour busIness, und LIIs LrunsucLIon Ius
worked ouL verv nIceIv, buL we ure u IILLIe puzzIed.
WIIIe vou were uwuv, we cIecked vou ouL und
Iound LIuL vou ure u muILI-mIIIIonuIre. WIuL
puzzIes us Is, wIv wouId vou boLIer Lo borrow
$=,ooo?" TIe mun repIIes, "WIere eIse In New York
CILv cun purk mv cur Ior Lwo weeks Ior onIv $1=.q1
und expecL IL Lo be LIere wIen reLurn?".

AS. Coontry Clob Lonch

A docLor, un urcIILecL, und un uLLornev were dInIng
uL LIe counLrv cIub one duv, und LIe conversuLIon
Lurned Lo LIe subjecL oI LIeIr respecLIve dogs, wIIcI
were uppurenLIv quILe exLruordInurv. A wuger wus
pIuced on wIo Iud LIe mosL InLeIIIgenL dog.

TIe pIvsIcIun oIIered Lo sIow IIs dog IIrsL, und
cuIIed Lo LIe purkIng IoL, "HIppocruLes, come!"
HIppocruLes run In, und wus LoId bv LIe docLor Lo
do IIs sLuII.

HIppocruLes run Lo LIe goII course und dug Ior u
wIIIe, producIng u number oI bones. He drugged
LIe bones InLo LIe counLrv cIub, und ussembIed
LIem InLo u compIeLe, IuIIv urLIcuIuLed Iumun
skeIeLon. TIe pIvsIcIun puLLed HIppocruLes on LIe
Ieud, und guve IIm u cookIe Ior IIs eIIorLs.

TIe urcIILecL wus onIv murgInuIIv Impressed, und
cuIIed Ior IIs dog, "SIIderuIe, come!" SIIderuIe run
In, und wus LoId Lo do IIs sLuII.

TIe dog ImmedIuLeIv cIewed LIe skeIeLon Lo rubbIe,
buL reussembIed LIe IrugmenLs InLo u scuIe modeI oI
LIe Tuj MuIuI. TIe urcIILecL puLLed IIs dog und
guve IIm u cookIe.
64
TIe uLLornev wuLcIed LIe oLIer Lwo dogs, und
cuIIed "BS, come!" BS enLered und wus LoId Lo do
IIs sLuII.

BS ImmedIuLeIv sLoIe LIe oLIer dogs' cookIes,
uucLIoned LIe Tuj MuIuI repIIcu Lo LIe oLIer cIub
members Ior IIs Iee, und wenL ouLsIde Lo pIuv goII.

An. Concept oI Murriuue

TIe cIIId wus u LvpIcuI Iour-veur-oId gIrI - cuLe,
InquIsILIve, brIgIL us u new pennv. WIen sIe
expressed dIIIIcuILv In gruspIng LIe concepL oI
murrIuge, Ier IuLIer decIded Lo puII ouL IIs weddIng
pIoLo uIbum, LIInkIng vIsuuI Imuges wouId IeIp.
One puge uILer unoLIer, Ie poInLed ouL LIe brIde
urrIvIng uL LIe cIurcI, LIe enLrunce, LIe weddIng
ceremonv, LIe recessIonuI, LIe recepLIon, eLc. "Now
do vou undersLund?" Ie usked.

" LIInk so," sIe suId, "s LIuL wIen mommv cume
Lo work Ior us?"

=o. Meetinu oI The Minds

A Iuwver und u docLor were on un exLruvugunL
IIsIIng LrIp.

TIe Iuwver suId, " um Iere becuuse mv Iouse
burned down und evervLIIng owned wus burned.
TIe Insurunce compunv puId u mInL Ior evervLIIng
IosL."

"Now LIuL's quILe u coIncIdence," suId LIe docLor,

"'m Iere becuuse mv Iouse und uII mv beIongIngs
were desLroved bv u IIood, und mv Insurunce
compunv uIso puId Ior evervLIIng."

TIe Iuwver Iooked somewIuL conIused und suId,
"ReuIIv? How do vou sLurL u IIood?"

=1. Two Lines, No Whininu

Evervbodv on eurLI dIes und goes Lo Ieuven.

God comes und suvs, " wunL LIe men Lo muke Lwo
IInes. One IIne Ior LIe men LIuL domInuLed LIeIr
women on eurLI und LIe oLIer IIne Ior LIe men LIuL
were domInuLed bv LIeIr women. AIso, wunL uII
LIe women Lo go wILI SL. PeLer."
WILI LIuL suId und done, LIe nexL LIme God Iooked,
LIe women ure gone und LIere ure Lwo IInes. TIe
IIne oI LIe men LIuL were domInuLed bv LIeIr
women wus 1oo mIIes Iong, und In LIe IIne oI men
LIuL domInuLed LIeIr women, LIere wus onIv one
mun.

God goL mud und suId, "You men sIouId be
usIumed oI vourseIves. creuLed vou In mv Imuge
und vou were uII wIIpped bv vour muLes. ook uL
LIe onIv one oI mv sons LIuL sLood up und mude me
proud. eurn Irom IIm! TeII LIem mv son, Iow dId
vou munuge Lo be LIe onIv one In LIIs IIne?"

And LIe mun repIIed, " don'L know, mv wIIe LoId
me Lo sLund Iere.

=. Blonde Joke

WIv dId LIe bIonde go Lo LIe PosL OIIIce q= LImes
In one duv? WeII, Ier compuLer kepL LeIIIng Ier sIe
Iud muII.

=. Juil

nLervIewer: "WIere dId vou receIve vour LruInIng?"

AppIIcunL: "YuIe."

nLervIewer: "Good, und wIuL's vour nume?"

AppIIcunL: "YIm YoInson."

=A. Oot with u Bunu

A LougI oId cowbov LoId IIs grundson LIuL LIe
secreL Lo Iong IIIe wus sprInkIIng u IILLIe gunpowder
on IIs ouLmeuI everv mornIng. TIe grundson dId
LIIs reIIgIousIv und, sure enougI, IIved Lo LIe rIpe
oId uge oI . WIen Ie dIed, Ie IeIL beIInd 1q
cIIIdren, z8 grundcIIIdren, = greuL-grundcIIIdren
und u 1=-IooL IoIe In LIe wuII oI LIe cremuLorIum.

==. The Six Puck

SLeve, Bob, und JeII were workIng on u verv IIgI
scuIIoIdIng one duv wIen suddenIv, SLeve IuIIs oII
und Is kIIIed InsLunLIv. AILer LIe umbuIunce Ieuves
wILI SLeve's bodv, Bob und JeII reuIIze LIuL one oI
LIem Is goIng Lo Iuve Lo LeII SLeve's wIIe.
65
Bob suvs Ie's good uL LIIs sorL oI sensILIve sLuII, so
Ie voIunLeers Lo do LIe job. AILer Lwo Iours Ie
reLurns, currvIng u sIx-puck oI beer.

"So dId vou LeII Ier?" usks JeII.

"Yep", repIIed Bob.

"Suv, wIere dId vou geL LIe sIx-puck?"

Bob InIorms JeII. "SIe guve IL Lo me!"

"WIuL??" excIuIms JeII, "vou jusL LoId Ier LIuL Ier
Iusbund dIed und sIe guve vou u sIx-puck??"
"Sure," Bob suvs.

"WIv?" usks JeII.

"WeII," Bob conLInues, "wIen sIe unswered LIe
door, usked Ier, 'ure vou SLeve's wIdow?'
'WIdow?', sIe suId, 'no, no, vou're mIsLuken, 'm noL
u wIdow!'

So suId: "'II beL vou u sIx-puck vou ARE!'"

=6. The Letter "P"

TecI SupporL: "OK Bob, IeL's press LIe conLroI und
escupe kevs uL LIe sume LIme. TIuL brIngs up u Lusk
IIsL In LIe mIddIe oI LIe screen. Now Lvpe LIe IeLLer
'P' Lo brIng up LIe progrum munuger."

CusLomer: " don'L Iuve u 'P'."

TecI SupporL: "On vour kevbourd, Bob."

CusLomer: "WIuL do vou meun?"

TecI SupporL: "'P' on vour kevbourd, Bob."

CusLomer: "'m noL goIng Lo do LIuL!"

=. Top Crime Iiuhters

n un eIIorL Lo deLermIne LIe Lop crIme IIgILIng
ugencv In LIe counLrv, LIe presIdenL nurrowed LIe
IIeId Lo LIree IInuIIsL, LIe CA, LIe B, und LIe
CIIcugo PoIIce.

TIe LIree remuInIng conLenders were gIven LIe Lusk
oI cuLcIIng u rubbIL wIIcI wus reIeused InLo LIe
IoresL.
TIe CA wenL InLo LIe IoresL. TIev pIuced unImuI
InIormunLs LIrougIouL. TIev quesLIoned uII pIunL
und mIneruI wILnesses. AILer LIree monLIs oI
exLensIve InvesLIguLIon LIev concIuded LIuL rubbILs
do noL exIsL.

TIe B wenL InLo LIe IoresL. AILer Lwo weeks
wILIouL u cupLure, LIev burned LIe IoresL kIIIIng
evervLIIng In IL, IncIudIng LIe rubbIL. TIev mude no
upoIogIes. TIe rubbIL deserved IL.

TIe CPD wenL InLo LIe IoresL. TIev cume ouL Lwo
Iours IuLer wILI u budIv beuLen beur. TIe beur wus
veIIIng, "Okuv, Okuv, 'm u rubbIL, 'm u rubbIL".

=S. No Muruin Ior Irror?

L wus consIdered u greuL sLep Iorwurd In cIvII
uvIuLIon wIen LIe IIrsL IuIIv uuLomuLed IIIgIL wus
reudv Ior ILs muIden LrunsconLInenLuI journev.
BIgwIgs oI everv sorL were sIown Lo LIeIr seuLs und
served u cIumpugne cockLuII bv cvborg IosLesses
wIIIe Iundreds oI uIrIIne empIovees wuved Irom
LIe runwuv. SuddenIv, LIe engIne snupped on und
LIe pIune mude u perIecL LukeoII InLo LIe cIoudIess
skv.

A sIIkv, mecIunIcuI voIce cume over LIe speukers.
"WeIcome ubourd LIIs IIsLorIcuI IIIgIL, IudIes und
genLIemen, und sImpIv press LIe cuII buLLon II vou
wouId IIke more cIumpugne Lo be served bv one oI
our roboL uLLendunLs. Even LIose oI vou wIo muv
Iuve been unxIous ubouL IIvIng In LIe pusL cun now
reIux In LIe knowIedge LIuL LIIs IIIgIL Is Iree Irom
LIe possIbIIILv oI Iumun error.

Everv uspecL -- uILILude, uIr pressure, course
seLLIng, weuLIer condILIons -- Is conLInuousIv
monILored bv sLuLe-oI-LIe-urL compuLer cIrcuILrv,
so vIrLuuIIv noLIIng cun go wrong... go wrong...go
wrong...

=n. The Reverend

runcIs NorLon woke up Sunduv mornIng und
reuIIzIng IL wus un excepLIonuIIv beuuLIIuI und
sunnv eurIv sprIng duv, decIded Ie jusL Iud Lo pIuv
goII. So... Ie LoId LIe AssocIuLe PusLor LIuL Ie wus
IeeIIng sIck und convInced IIm Lo suv Muss Ior IIm
LIuL duv. As soon us LIe AssocIuLe PusLor IeIL LIe
room, uLIer NorLon Ieuded ouL oI Lown Lo u goII
course ubouL IorLv mIIes uwuv. TIIs wuv Ie knew Ie
66
wouIdn'L uccIdenLuIIv meeL unvone Ie knew Irom
IIs purIsI. SeLLIng up on LIe IIrsL Lee, Ie wus uIone.
AILer uII, IL wus Sunduv mornIng und evervone eIse
wus In cIurcI! AL ubouL LIIs LIme, SuInL PeLer
Ieuned over Lo LIe ord wIIIe IookIng down Irom
LIe Ieuvens und excIuImed, "You're noL goIng Lo IeL
IIm geL uwuv wILI LIIs, ure vou?"

TIe ord sIgIed, und suId, "No, guess noL."
JusL LIen uLIer NorLon IIL LIe buII und IL sIoL
sLruIgIL Lowurds LIe pIn, droppIng jusL sIorL oI IL,
roIIed up und IeII InLo LIe IoIe. L WAS A qzo YARD
HOE N ONE!

SL. PeLer wus usLonIsIed. He Iooked uL LIe ord und
usked, "WIv dId vou IeL IIm do LIuL?"

TIe ord smIIed und repIIed, "WIo's Ie goIng Lo
LeII?"

6o. Home Sick Scot

Duncun MucDonuId Irom ScoLIund wenL Lo sLudv uL
un EngIIsI unIversILv und wus IIvIng In LIe
resIdenLs` dorm.

"And Iow do vou IInd LIe EngIIsI sLudenLs,
DonuId?" sIe usked.

"MoLIer," Ie repIIed, "LIev're sucI LerrIbIe, noIsv
peopIe. TIe one on LIuL sIde keeps bungIng IIs Ieud
on LIe wuII und won'L sLop. TIe one on LIe oLIer
sIde screums und screums uII nIgIL."

"OI DonuId! How do vou munuge Lo puL up wILI
LIese uwIuI noIsv EngIIsI neIgIbors?"

"MoLIer, do noLIIng. jusL Ignore LIem. jusL
sLuv Iere quIeLIv, pIuvIng mv bugpIpes."

61. The Clever Luwyer

A Iuwver deIendIng u mun uccused oI burgIurv LrIed
LIIs creuLIve deIense:

"Mv cIIenL mereIv InserLed IIs urm InLo LIe wIndow
und removed u Iew LrIIIIng urLIcIes. HIs urm Is noL
IImseII, und IuII Lo see Iow vou cun punIsI LIe
wIoIe IndIvIduuI Ior un oIIense commILLed bv IIs
IImb."
"WeII puL," LIe judge repIIed. "UsIng vour IogIc,
senLence LIe deIendunL's urm Lo one veur's
ImprIsonmenL. He cun uccompunv IL or noL, us Ie
cIooses."

TIe deIendunL smIIed. And, wILI IIs Iuwver's
ussIsLunce, Ie deLucIed IIs urLIIIcIuI IImb, IuId IL on
LIe bencI und wuIked ouL.

6. Good Intentions

A mun uppeurs beIore SL. PeLer uL LIe peurIv guLes.
"Huve vou ever done unvLIIng oI purLIcuIur merIL?"
SL. PeLer usks.

"WeII, cun LIInk oI one LIIng," LIe mun oIIers.
"Once, on u LrIp Lo LIe BIuck HIIIs, ouL In SouLI
DukoLu, cume upon u gung oI IIgI-LesLosLerone
bIkers wIo were LIreuLenIng u voung womun.
dIrecLed LIem Lo Ieuve Ier uIone, buL LIev wouIdn'L
IIsLen. So, upproucIed LIe IurgesL und mosL
IeuvIIv LuLLooed bIker. smucked IIm on LIe Ieud,
kIcked IIs bIke over, rIpped ouL IIs nose rIng und
LIrew IL on LIe ground, LIen LoId IIm, "euve Ier
uIone now or vou'II unswer Lo me."

SL. PeLer wus Impressed. "WIen dId LIIs Iuppen?"

"JusL u coupIe oI mInuLes ugo."

6. The Irou und the Prourummer

A mun wus crossIng u roud one duv wIen u Irog
cuIIed ouL Lo IIm und suId, "I vou kIss me, 'II Lurn
InLo u beuuLIIuI prIncess." He benL over, pIcked up
LIe Irog, und puL IL In IIs pockeL.

TIe Irog spoke up uguIn und suId, "I vou kIss me
und Lurn me buck InLo u beuuLIIuI prIncess, wIII
LeII evervone Iow smurL und bruve vou ure und Iow
vou ure mv Iero." TIe mun Look LIe Irog ouL oI IIs
pockeL, smIIed uL IL, und reLurned IL Lo IIs pockeL.

TIe Irog spoke up uguIn und suId, "I vou kIss me
und Lurn me buck InLo u beuuLIIuI prIncess, wIII be
vour IovIng compunIon Ior un enLIre week." TIe
mun Look LIe Irog ouL oI IIs pockeL, smIIed uL IL,
und reLurned IL Lo IIs pockeL.

TIe Irog LIen crIed ouL, "I vou kIss me und Lurn me
buck InLo u prIncess, 'II sLuv wILI vou Ior u veur
und do ANYTHNG vou wunL." AguIn LIe mun Look
67
LIe Irog ouL, smIIed uL IL, und puL IL buck InLo IIs
pockeL.

InuIIv, LIe Irog usked, "WIuL Is LIe muLLer? 've
LoId vou 'm u beuuLIIuI prIncess, LIuL 'II sLuv wILI
vou Ior u veur und do unvLIIng vou wunL. WIv won'L
vou kIss me?" TIe mun suId, "ook, 'm u compuLer
progrummer. don'L Iuve LIme Ior u gIrIIrIend, buL
u LuIkIng Irog Is cooI."

6A. Wull Street Mun

TIe WuII SLreeL mun wus sLundIng uL LIe curb wIen
u IrIend Irom IIs oId Iome Lown, wIom Ie Iudn'L
seen In veurs, upproucIed. TIev embruced, buL LIe
IrIend seemed mIgILv serIous. "'m uwIuI sorrv Lo
LeII vou LIIs," suId LIe vIsILor, "buL vour oId und
deur AunL CecIIv Is In juII."

"GIud vou LoId me," suId LIe broker. "L's good Lo
know sIe's provIded Ior."

6=. The Good und the Bud

A preucIer goL up one Sunduv und unnounced Lo IIs
congreguLIon, " Iuve good news und bud news. TIe
good news Is we Iuve enougI monev Lo puv Ior our
new buIIdIng progrum. TIe bud news Is IL's sLIII ouL
LIere In vour pockeLs!

66. The Genie

A projecL munuger, u soILwure engIneer, und u
Iurdwure engIneer ure IeIpIng ouL on u projecL.
AbouL mIdweek, LIev decIde Lo wuIk up und down
LIe beucI durIng LIeIr IuncI Iour. HuIIwuv up LIe
beucI, LIev sLumbIed upon u Iump. As LIev rub LIe
Iump u genIe uppeurs und suvs, "NormuIIv wouId
grunL vou LIree wIsIes, buL sInce LIere ure LIree oI
vou, wIII grunL vou eucI one wIsI."

TIe Iurdwure engIneer wenL IIrsL. " wouId IIke Lo
spend LIe resL oI mv IIIe IIvIng In u Iuge Iouse In
SL. TIomus wILI no monev worrIes." TIe genIe
grunLed IIm IIs wIsI und senL IIm oII Lo SL.
TIomus.

TIe soILwure engIneer wenL nexL. " wouId IIke Lo
spend LIe resL oI mv IIIe IIvIng on u Iuge vucIL
cruIsIng LIe MedILerruneun wILI no monev
worrIes." TIe genIe grunLed IIm IIs wIsI und senL
IIm oII Lo LIe MedILerruneun.
usL, buL noL IeusL, IL wus LIe projecL munuger's
Lurn. "And wIuL wouId vour wIsI be?" usked LIe
genIe.

" wunL LIem boLI buck uILer IuncI" repIIed LIe
projecL munuger.

6. Biu Trooble

A coupIe Iud Lwo IILLIe bovs, uges 8 und 1o, wIo
were excessIveIv mIscIIevous. TIev were uIwuvs
geLLIng InLo LroubIe, und LIeIr purenLs knew LIuL II
unv mIscIIeI occurred In LIeIr Lown, LIeIr sons were
probubIv InvoIved.

TIe bovs' moLIer Ieurd LIuL u cIergvmun In Lown
Iud been successIuI In dIscIpIInIng cIIIdren, so sIe
usked II Ie wouId speuk wILI Ier bovs. TIe
cIergvmun ugreed, buL usked Lo see LIem
IndIvIduuIIv. So LIe moLIer senL Ier 8-veur oId
IIrsL, In LIe mornIng, wILI LIe oIder bov Lo see LIe
cIergvmun In LIe uILernoon.

TIe cIergvmun, u Iuge mun wILI u boomIng voIce,
suL LIe vounger bov down und usked IIm sLernIv.
"WIere Is God?" TIe bov's mouLI dropped open,
buL Ie mude no response, sILLIng LIere wILI IIs
mouLI IungIng open, wIde-eved. So LIe cIergvmun
repeuLed LIe quesLIon In un even sLerner Lone,
"WIere Is God!!?" AguIn, LIe bov mude no uLLempL
Lo unswer. So, LIe cIergvmun ruIsed IIs voIce even
more und sIook IIs IInger In LIe bov's Iuce und
beIIowed, "WHERE S GOD!?"

TIe bov screumed und boILed Irom LIe room, run
dIrecLIv Iome und dove InLo IIs cIoseL, sIummIng
LIe door beIInd IIm. WIen IIs oIder broLIer Iound
IIm In LIe cIoseL, Ie usked, "WIuL Iuppened?"

TIe vounger broLIer, guspIng Ior uIr, repIIed, "We
ure In BG LroubIe LIIs LIme, dude. God Is mIssIng,
und LIev LIInk WE dId IL!!"

6S. Veterinuriun

Dr. CuLLer Is LIe IocuI VeLerInurIun, known Ior IIs
wrv Iumor. He surpussed IImseII one summer duv
wIen u cILv dog wus brougIL Lo IIm uILer un
encounLer wILI u porcupIne. AILer uImosL un Iour oI
prvIng, puIIIng, cuLLIng und sLILcIIng, Ie reLurned
LIe dog Lo ILs owner, wIo usked wIuL sIe owed.
68
"TIIrLv doIIurs, Mu'um," Ie unswered.

"WIv LIuL's sImpIv ouLrugeous!" sIe sLormed.

"TIuL's wIuL's wrong wILI vou MuIne peopIe, vou're
uIwuvs LrvIng Lo overcIurge summer vIsILors.
WIuLever do vou do In LIe wInLer, wIen we're noL
beIng gvpped Iere?"

"RuIse porcupInes, Mu'um."

6n. Once Lpon u Time...

A mun wuIks InLo u CIInese resLuurunL buL Is LoId
bv LIe MuILre'd LIuL LIere wIII be uL IeusL u LwenLv
mInuLe wuIL.

"WouId vou IIke Lo wuIL In LIe bur, SIr?" Ie suvs.

TIe mun goes InLo LIe bur und LIe burLender suvs,
"WIuL'II IL be?"

TIe mun repIIes, "GIve me u SLoII wILI u LwIsL."

TIe burLender puuses Ior u Iew seconds, LIen smIIes
und suvs, "Once upon LIme, LIere were OUR IILLIe
peegs..."

o. Murriuue Mude In Heuven

A coupIe wus drIvIng Lo u cIurcI Lo geL murrIed. On
LIe wuv, LIev goL InLo u cur uccIdenL und dIed.
WIen LIev urrIve In Ieuven, LIev see SL. PeLer uL
LIe guLes. TIev usk IIm II Ie couId urrunge IL so
LIev couId murrv In Ieuven. SL. PeLer LeIIs LIem
LIuL Ie'II do IIs besL Lo work on IL Ior LIem. TIree
monLIs puss bv und LIe coupIe Ieur noLIIng. TIev
bump InLo SL. PeLer und usk IIm ubouL LIe
murrIuge. He suvs, "'m sLIII workIng on IL." Two
veurs puss bv und no murrIuge. SL. PeLer uguIn
ussures LIem LIuL Ie's workIng on IL.

InuIIv uILer LwenLv Iong veurs, SL. PeLer comes
runnIng wILI u prIesL und LeIIs LIe coupIe IL's LIme
Ior LIeIr weddIng. TIe coupIe murrv und IIve
IuppIIv Ior u wIIIe. BuL uILer u Iew monLIs LIe
coupIe IInds SL. PeLer und LeIIs IIm LIIngs ure noL
workIng ouL, und LIuL LIev wunL Lo geL u dIvorce.
"Cun vou urrunge IL Ior us?" LIev usk. SL. PeLer
repIIes, "Are vou kIddIng?!! L Look me LwenLv veurs
Lo IInd u prIesL up Iere. How um gonnu IInd vou u
Iuwver?"
1. Lookinu Ior Help

A womun wuIked up Lo LIe munuger oI u
depurLmenL sLore.

"Are vou IIrIng unv IeIp?" sIe usked.

"No," Ie suId. "We uIreudv Iuve uII LIe sLuII we
need."

"TIen wouId vou mInd geLLIng someone Lo wuIL on
me?"

. A rinkin' Mun

An rIsI mun sIows up In u pub one duv und orders
LIree pInLs oI GuInness. He Lukes sIps Irom eucI
gIuss unLII LIev ure empLv und cuIIs LIe burLender
Ior LIree more. TIe burLender suvs, "Sure IL's up Lo
vourseII, buL wouIdn'L vou ruLIer wus brIngIng
LIem one uL u LIme? TIen LIev'II be IresI und coId."

"'NuI..." LIe mun suvs, "'m preIerrIn' LIuL ve brIng
'em LIree uL u LIme. You see, me und me Lwo
broLIers wouId meeL uL u pub und drInk und Iuve
good LImes. Now one Is In AusLruIIu, LIe oLIer In
Cunudu und 'm Iere. We ugreed beIore we spIIL up
LIuL we'd drInk Lo eucI oLIer's Ionor LIIs wuv."

"WeII," suvs LIe burLender, "LIuL's u grund LIIng Lo
do, uII rIgIL. 'II brIng LIe pInLs us vou usk."

WeII, LIme goes on und LIe mun's pecuIIur IubIL Is
known und uccepLed bv uII LIe pub reguIurs. One
duv LIougI, Ie comes In und orders onIv Lwo pInLs.
A IusI IuIIs over LIe pub. NuLuruIIv, evervone
IIgures someLIIng Iuppened Lo one oI LIe broLIers.
A group oI LIe reguIurs corner LIe burLender und
IInuIIv persuude IIm Lo IInd ouL wIuL Iuppened.
WILI u Ieuvv IeurL, LIe burLender brIngs LIe Lwo
pInLs und suvs, "Here's vour pInLs...und IeL me oIIer
mv sInceresL condoIences. WIuL Iuppened?"

TIe rIsI mun Iooks exLremeIv puzzIed Ior u
momenL, und LIen sLurLs IuugIIng.

"OI, no, no, no! 'TIs noLIIng IIke LIuL. You see, 've
gIven up drInkIng Ior enL."
69
. Sportinu Chunce

WIuL's LIe dIIIerence beLween u bud goIIer und u
bud skvdIver?

One goes, "WIuck! Dumn!" und LIe oLIer goes,
"Dumn! WIuck!"

A. Smurt Plun

Once LIere were LIese Lwo IIIIbIIIIes drIvIng down
LIe roud, wIen LIev suw u poIIce roudbIock. TIe
IIrsL IIIIbIIIv, Bubbu, suId, "I LIose poIIce see us
drInkIn' LIese Iere beers, LIev'II busL us Ier sure."

TIe second IIIIbIIIv, EurI, suId "'ve goL u pIun. PuII
over, Luke LIe IubeI oII vour beer boLLIe, und puL IL
on vour IoreIeud. JusL puL LIe boLLIe under vour
seuL."

"WIuL Ier?" Bubbu usked.

"JusL do IL," EurI repIIed.

So LIev Look LIe IubeIs oII LIeIr beer boLLIes und puL
LIem on LIeIr IoreIeuds und puIIed up Lo LIe poIIce
roudbIock. A poIIcemun usked, "You bovs been
drInkIn'?"

"No, sIr," EurI repIIed, "we're on LIe puLcI."

=. Puy Attention

A mun wILI Lwo budIv burned eurs wenL Lo LIe
emergencv room Ior medIcuI LreuLmenL.

"So, wIuL Iuppened," usked LIe docLor.

"WeII, mv wIIe wus IronIng wIIIe wus wuLcIIng LIe
buIIgume on TV," begun LIe mun. "SIe puL LIe IoL
Iron neur LIe LeIepIone, und wIen LIe pIone rung,
eves on LIe Lube, unswered LIe Iron."

TIe docLor nodded, "BuL wIuL Iuppened Lo LIe
oLIer eur?"

"WeII, no sooner Iud Iung up," suId LIe mun,
"wIen LIe sume guv cuIIed uguIn."
6. Yieldinu Riuht OI Wuy

BeIIeve IL or noL...LIIs Is LIe LrunscrIpL oI un ucLuuI
rudIo conversuLIon beLween u U.S. nuvuI sIIp und
CunudIun uuLIorILIes oII LIe cousL oI NewIoundIund
In OcLober 1=. TIe rudIo conversuLIon wus
reIeused bv LIe CIIeI oI NuvuI OperuLIons on
OcLober 1o, 1=.

U.S. SIIp: PIeuse dIverL vour course o.= degrees Lo
LIe souLI Lo uvoId coIIIsIon.

CND RepIv: Recommend vou dIverL vour course 1=
degrees Lo LIe souLI Lo uvoId u coIIIsIon.

U.S. SIIp: TIIs Is LIe CupLuIn oI u U.S. Nuvv sIIp.
suv uguIn, dIverL vour course.

CND RepIv: No. suv uguIn, vou dIverL YOUR
course!

U.S. SIIp: THS S THE ARCRAT CARRER USS
CORA SEA,WE ARE A VERY ARGE WARSHP
O THE U.S. NAVY. DVERT YOUR COURSE
NOW!!!

CND RepIv: TIIs Is u IIgILIouse. Your cuII.

. Cuotion! Beur Alert!

TIe CoIorudo SLuLe DepurLmenL oI IsI und WIIdIIIe
Is udvIsIng IIkers, IunLers, IIsIermen, und goIIers
Lo Luke exLru precuuLIons und be on LIe uIerL Ior
beurs wIIIe In LIe DIIIon, BreckenrIdge, und
KevsLone ureus.

TIev udvIse peopIe Lo weur noIse-producIng
devIces, sucI us IILLIe beIIs, on LIeIr cIoLIIng Lo
uIerL buL noL sLurLIe LIe beurs unexpecLedIv. TIev
uIso udvIse vou Lo currv pepper spruv, In cuse oI un
encounLer wILI u beur. L Is uIso u good Ideu Lo
wuLcI Ior sIgns oI beur ucLIvILv. PeopIe sIouId be
ubIe Lo recognIze LIe dIIIerence beLween bIuck beur
und grIzzIv beur droppIngs.

BIuck beur droppIngs ure smuIIer und conLuIn
berrIes und possIbIv squIrreI Iur.

GrIzzIv beur droppIngs Iuve beIIs In LIem und smeII
IIke pepper spruv.
70
S. Why God Loves Blondes

A bIonde womun numed BrundI IInds IerseII In dIre
LroubIe. Her busIness Ius gone busL, und sIe's In u
serIous IInuncIuI mess. SIe's so desperuLe LIuL sIe
decIdes Lo usk God Ior IeIp.

SIe begIns Lo pruv, "God, pIeuse IeIp me...'ve IosL
mv busIness und 'm goIng Lo Iose mv Iouse us weII.
PIeuse IeL me wIn LIe IoLLo..."

oLLo nIgIL comes, und sIe Is devusLuLed wIen
someone eIse wIns IL.

BrundI pruvs uguIn..."God, pIeuse IeL me wIn LIe
IoLLo! 've IosL mv busIness, mv Iouse, und 'm
goIng Lo Iose mv cur us weII..."

oLLo nIgIL comes, und BrundI sLIII Ius ubsoIuLeIv
no Iuck.

Once uguIn, sIe pruvs. "Mv God, wIv Iuve vou
Iorsuken me?! 've IosL mv busIness, mv Iouse, und
mv cur. Mv cIIIdren ure verv Iungrv. don'L oILen
usk Ior vou Lo IeIp, und um u consLunL good
servunL Ior vou...PEASE jusL IeL me wIn LIe IoLLo
LIIs ONE LIme so cun geL mv IIIe buck In order..."

SuddenIv, LIere Is u bIIndIng IIusI oI IIgIL us LIe
Ieuvens open und BrundI Is conIronLed bv LIe voIce
oI God HImseII...

"Work wILI me Iere, BrundI. Buv u LIckeL!"

n. Soper Grunny

An eIderIv Iudv dId Ier sIoppIng und, upon
reLurnIng Lo Ier cur, Iound Iour muIes In LIe ucL oI
IeuvIng wILI Ier veIIcIe. SIe dropped Ier sIoppIng
bugs, drew Ier Iundgun, und proceeded Lo screum
uL LIem uL LIe Lop oI Ier voIce, " Iuve u gun und
know Iow Lo use IL! GeL ouL oI LIe cur, vou
scumbugs!"

TIe Iour men dIdn'L wuIL Ior u second InvILuLIon,
buL goL ouL und run IIke mud.

TIe Iudv, somewIuL sIuken, proceeded Lo Ioud Ier
sIoppIng bugs In LIe buck oI LIe cur und geL InLo
LIe drIver's seuL. SIe wus so sIuken LIuL sIe couId
noL geL Ier kev InLo LIe IgnILIon. SIe LrIed und
LrIed, Lo no uvuII.
And LIen IL duwned on Ier wIv.

A Iew mInuLes IuLer, sIe Iound Ier own cur purked
Iour or IIve spuces IurLIer down. SIe Iouded Ier
bugs InLo Ier cur und drove Lo LIe poIIce sLuLIon.

TIe sergeunL Lo wIom sIe LoId LIe sLorv neurIv Lore
IImseII In Lwo wILI IuugILer und poInLed Lo LIe
oLIer end oI LIe counLer, wIere Iour puIe muIes
were reporLIng u curjuckIng bv u mud eIderIv
womun descrIbed us wIILe, Iess LIun IIve IeeL LuII,
gIusses, curIv wIILe IuIr, und currvIng u Iurge
Iundgun.

No cIurges were IIIed.

So. on't Muke Mistukes

A worker, wIo wus beIng puId bv LIe week,
upproucIed IIs empIover und IeId up IIs IusL
puvcIeck.

"TIIs Is Lwo Iundred doIIurs Iess LIun we ugreed
on," Ie suId.

" know," LIe empIover suId. "BuL IusL week,
overpuId vou Lwo Iundred doIIurs, und vou never
compIuIned."

"WeII, don'L mInd un occusIonuI mIsLuke," LIe
worker unswered, "buL wIen IL geLs Lo be u IubIL,
IeeI Iuve Lo cuII IL Lo vour uLLenLIon."

S1. Riuht Person Ior The Job

EmpIover Lo uppIIcunL: "n LIIs job, we need
someone wIo Is responsIbIe."

AppIIcunL: "'m LIe one vou wunL. On mv IusL job,
everv LIme unvLIIng wenL wrong, LIev suId wus
responsIbIe."

S. Job Applicution

An uppIIcunL wus IIIIIng ouL u job uppIIcuLIon. WIen
Ie cume Lo LIe quesLIon, "Huve vou ever been
urresLed?" Ie unswered, "No." TIe nexL quesLIon,
InLended Ior peopIe wIo Iud unswered In LIe
uIIIrmuLIve Lo LIe IusL one, wus "WIv?"

TIe uppIIcunL unswered IL unvwuv: "Never goL
cuugIL."
71
S. QouliIied Position

A mun wenL Lo uppIv Ior u job. AILer IIIIIng ouL uII oI
IIs uppIIcuLIons, Ie wuILed unxIousIv Ior LIe
ouLcome. TIe empIover reud uII IIs uppIIcuLIons
und suId, "We Iuve un openIng Ior peopIe IIke vou."

"OI, greuL!" LIe mun suId. "WIuL Is IL?"

"L's cuIIed LIe door."

SA. Grundmu's Sick

Grundmu Iuv buck on Ier pIIIow, u comIorLubIe Iook
on Ier Iuce. " IeeI mucI beLLer Loduv," sIe suId. "
don'L LIInk mv uppendIx wIII Iuve Lo be removed."
SIe beumed IuppIIv. "BuL IL wus nIce oI LIe
mInIsLer Lo cuII und see me."

"Grundmu," suId uIubeIIe, "LIuL wusn'L LIe
mInIsLer. TIuL wus u specIuIIsL Irom LIe cILv wIo
exumIned vou.

"OI," grunnv repIIed. " LIougIL Ie wus u IILLIe
IumIIIur Ior u mInIsLer."

S=. Aoto Repuir

A bIonde pusIes Ier BMW InLo u gus sLuLIon. SIe
LeIIs LIe mecIunIc IL dIed.

AILer Ie works on IL Ior u Iew mInuLes, IL's IdIIng
smooLIIv. SIe suvs, "WIuL's LIe sLorv?" He repIIes,
"JusL crup In LIe curbureLor."

SIe usks, "How oILen do Iuve Lo do LIuL?"

S6. Oot OI the Mooths oI Bubes

A LIree veur oId wuIked over Lo LIe pregnunL Iudv
wIIIe wuILIng wILI IIs moLIer In LIe docLors oIIIce.

He InquIsILIveIv usk LIe Iudv, "WIv Is vour sLomucI
so bIg?"

SIe repIIed, "'m IuvIng u bubv."

WILI bIg eves, Ie usked, "s LIe bubv In vour
sLomucI?"

SIe suId, "He sure Is."
TIen LIe IILLIe bov, wILI u puzzIed Iook, usked, "s IL
u good bubv?"

SIe suId, "OI, ves. L's u reuI good bubv."

WILI un even more surprIsed und sIocked Iook, Ie
usked, "TIen wIv In LIe worId dId vou euL IIm?"

S. Blonde on the Son

A RussIun, un AmerIcun, und u BIonde were LuIkIng
one duv.

TIe RussIun suId, 'We were LIe IIrsL In spuce!"

TIe AmerIcun suId, "We were LIe IIrsL on LIe
moon!"

TIe BIonde suId, "So wIuL? We're goIng Lo be LIe
IIrsL on! LIe sun!"

TIe RussIun und LIe AmerIcun Iooked uL eucI oLIer
und sIook LIeIr Ieuds.

"You cun'L Iund on LIe sun, vou IdIoL! You'II burn
up!" suId LIe RussIun.

To wIIcI LIe BIonde repIIed, "We're noL sLupId, vou
know. We're goIng uL nIgIL!"

SS. The Lie Clock

HIIIurv CIInLon dIed und wenL Lo Ieuven. As sIe
sLood In IronL oI SuInL PeLer uL LIe PeurIv GuLes, sIe
suw u Iuge wuII oI cIocks beIInd IIm. SIe usked,
"WIuL ure uII LIose cIocks?"

SuInL PeLer unswered, "TIose ure Ie-CIocks.
Evervone on EurLI Ius u Ie-CIock. Everv LIme vou
IIe, LIe Iunds on vour cIock wIII move.

"OI," suId HIIIurv, "wIose cIock Is LIuL?"

"TIuL's MoLIer Teresu's. TIe Iunds Iuve never
moved IndIcuLIng LIuL sIe never LoId u IIe."

"WIose cIock Is LIuL?"

"TIuL's AbruIum IncoIn's cIock. TIe Iunds Iuve
onIv moved LwIce LeIIIng us LIuL Abe onIv LoId z IIes
In IIs enLIre IIIe."
72
"WIere's BIII's cIock?" HIIIurv usked.

"BIII's cIock Is In Jesus' oIIIce. He's usIng IL us u
ceIIIng Iun."

Sn. The HulI ollur

TIe MunIuLLun CommuLer LruIn wus pucked.
SuddenIv LIere wus u jIngIe on LIe IIoor. MosL
necks were cruned. One eIderIv genLIemun,
Iowever, benL down und pIcked someLIIng up. He
LIen usked, "DId unvone drop u IuII doIIur?"

" dId," unswered LIree men uL once.

"WeII," suId LIe eIderIv genL wILI u smIIe, "Iere's u
dIme oI IL."

no. ronken Inuenoity

A mun, wIose IeveI oI drunkenness wus borderIng
on LIe ubsurd, sLood up Lo Ieuve u bur und IeII IIuL
on IIs Iuce.

"Muvbe uII need Is some IresI uIr," LIougIL LIe
mun us Ie cruwIed ouLsIde.

He LrIed Lo sLund up uguIn, buL IeII Iuce IIrsL InLo
LIe mud.

"Screw IL," Ie LIougIL. "'II jusL cruwI Iome."

TIe nexL mornIng, IIs wIIe Iound IIm on LIe
doorsLep usIeep.

"You wenL ouL drInkIng IusL nIgIL, dIdn'L vou?" sIe
suId.

"UI, ves," Ie suId sIeepIsIIv. "How dId vou know?"

"You IeIL vour wIeeIcIuIr uL LIe bur uguIn."

n1. New Bur

A new bur opened und evervone In Lown wus LuIkIng
ubouL IL. TIe buzz wus becuuse IL Iud u roboL-
burLender. One IeIIow Iud Lo see LIIs Ior IImseII, so
In Ie goes und sILs uL LIe bur Sure enougI, u roboL
wus burLendIng.

TIe mun orders u drInk, und LIe roboL reLurns wILI
IL und usks IIm wIuL IIs Q Is. TIe mun repIIes LIuL
IIs Q Is 1=o. WILI LIuL, LIe roboL begIns dIscussIng
nucIeur pIvsIcs, Ivdrogen power ceIIs, und LIe
currenL sLuLe oI LIe gIobuI uLmospIere.

TIIs IeIIow Is Impressed. He wunLs Lo see wIuL
Iuppens II Ie doesn'L cIuIm Lo be quILe us brIgIL.
So, Ie Ieuves LIe bur und comes rIgIL buck In und
sILs uL LIe bur.

AguIn, LIe roboL usks IIm Ior IIs Q. TIIs LIme LIe
guv LeIIs IIm IL's 1oo. So LIe roboL sLurLs dIscussIng
IooLbuII, buskeLbuII, und LIe proper wuv Lo grIII u
sLeuk.

Wow, LIIs Is umuzIng und IL peuks LIe mun's
InLeresL In seeIng Iow good LIIs roboL reuIIv Is.
TIus, Ie Ieuves und comes buck In Ior u LIIrd LIme.
TIIs LIme Ie LeIIs LIe roboL LIuL IIs Q Is =o.

TIe roboL repIIes: "So, ure vou democruLs reuIIv
goIng Lo voLe Ior Kerrv?"

n. Sutun Stops By

TIe cIurcI wus IuII oI peopIe LIe preucIer wus
reuIIv preucIIng IIs messuge, TIe devII wuIks In
evervone runs, LIe preucIer jumps ouL LIe wIndow,
LIe cIoIr, runs ouL LIe buck door. TIe cIurcI Is
empLv excepL Ior LIIs one Iudv. TIe devII wuIks up
Lo Ier und suvs do vou know wIo um? TIe Iudv
suvs ves, vou ure LIe devII. TIe devII suvs und vou
ure noL uIruId oI me?? TIe Iudv suvs no, wIv sIouId
be Iuve been murrIed Lo vour broLIer Ior o
veurs.

n. Suy Yoor Pruyers

MorrIs Iud reLIred und beIng u IuILIIuI Jew decIded
Ie wunLed Lo vIsIL LIe HoIv und beIore Ie dIed. So
Ie IIew over Lo srueI. He Iud Ieurd LIe besL wuv Lo
Lour LIe ureu wus on cumeI buck. So Ie wenL Lo
AbduI LIe used cumeI deuIer Lo renL u cumeI Ior LIe
duv. AII AbduI Iud IeIL on LIe IoL wus one oId cumeI.
AbduI ugreed Lo renL LIe cumeI buL Iud specIIIc
InsLrucLIons Ior MorrIs. He suId, "TIIs cumeI wus
ruIsed In u monusLerv und Ie onIv responds Lo
cerLuIn communds. He Ius speeds und vou geL
IIm Lo go bv suvIng, "pIeew." To muke IIm sLop
vou musL suv "AMEN!" NoLIIng eIse wIII muke IIm
sLop!" So MorrIs mounLs LIe cumeI und goes pIeew,
LIe cumeI Iopes uIong uL 1= mIIes un Iour und geLs
LIe edge oI LIe deserL. MorrIs LIen goes "pIeew,
73
pIeew", LIe cumeI sLurLs runnIng uL o mIIes un
Iour. MorrIs Is IuvIng u bIusL. He LIen goes,
"pIeew, pIeew, pIeew", LIe cumeI Is IIvIng uL 6o
mIIes un Iour ucross LIe deserL. OII In LIe dIsLunce
MorrIs sees LIe cIIIIs oI LIe Deud Seu. n u punIc Ie
IorgeLs LIe word Amen und LrIes evervLIIng Lo sLop
LIe cumeI beIore LIev reucI LIe cIIIIs. IgurIng Ie Is
goIng go over LIe cIIIIs und dIe, Ie suvs IIs pruvers
und suvs Amen. TIe cumeI come Lo u screecIIng
IuIL wILI ILs IronL Iooves uL LIe verv edge oI LIe
cIIIIs, IILLIe pebbIes ure IuIIIng down us MorrIs sILs
up In IIs suddIe und Iooks over LIe cIIII. He wIpes
IIs brow und goes pIeew!

nA. Who Suid Rednecks Weren't Briuht

HeIIo, Is LIIs LIe B? 'm cuIIIng Lo reporL mv
neIgIbor BIIIv Bob SmILI! He Is IIdIng murIjuunu
InsIde IIs IIrewood. TIe nexL duv, LIe B ugenLs
descend on BIIIv Bob's Iouse. TIev seurcI LIe sIed
wIere LIe IIrewood Is kepL. UsIng uxes, LIev busLed
open everv pIece oI wood, LIev swore uL BIIIv bob
und IeIL. TIe pIone rIngs uL BIIIv Bob's Iouse:

Hev, DId LIe B come??

YeuI!

DId LIev cIop vour IIrewood?

Yep!

Huppv BIrLIduv, Buddv!

n=. All in A uy's Work

Mr. SwIIIer wus known Iur und wIde us u Iurd-
nosed boss wIo wuLcIed IIs empIovees IIke u Iuwk.
He wus mukIng one oI IIs reguIur Lours oI LIe
IucLorv, wIen Ie spoLLed u voung mun IeunIng
uguInsL u pIIe oI boxes, jusL ouLsIde LIe Ioremun's
oIIIce.

SInce Bud, LIe Ioremun, wusn'L uround, SwIIIer
sLood oII Lo LIe sIde und wuLcIed Lo see jusL Iow
Iong LIe voung mun wouId sLund uround doIng
noLIIng.

TIe voung mun vuwned, scruLcIed IIs Ieud, Iooked
uL IIs wuLcI, und suL on LIe IIoor. He Look ouL u nuII
IIIe und begun cIeunIng IIs nuIIs. TIen, Ie
sLreLcIed, vuwned uguIn, und Ieuned buck on LIe
pIIe oI boxes.

SwIIIer sLepped Irom IIs IIdIng pIuce und wuIked
up Lo LIe voung mun. "You!" Ie boomed. "How
mucI do vou muke u week?"

TIe voung mun Iooked up IndIIIerenLIv. "Two
Iundred und IIILv doIIurs," Ie suId.

SwIIIer swooped InLo LIe cusIIer's oIIIce, Look $z=o
Irom LIe cusI box, und reLurned. "Tuke IL," Ie suId,
"und geL ouL! Don'L IeL me see vou uround Iere
uguIn!"

TIe voung mun Look LIe cusI, puL IL In IIs pockeL,
und IeIL.

SwIIIer snorLed uL IIs Iuck oI remorse,
emburrussmenL, or unv oLIer IeeIIng. TIen Ie wenL
IookIng Ior Bud. WIen Ie Iound IIm, SwIIIer wus
red wILI unger.

"TIuL IdIer In IronL oI vour oIIIce," SwIIIer suId. "
jusL guve IIm u week's puv und IIred IIm. WIuL's
LIe muLLer wILI vou, IeLLIng IIm sLund uround us
LIougI Ie Iud noLIIng Lo do?"

"You meun LIe kId In LIe red sIIrL?" Bud usked.

"Yes! TIe kId In LIe red sIIrL!"

"He wus wuILIng Ior LIe LwenLv doIIurs we owe IIm
Ior IuncI," Bud suId. "He works Ior LIe coIIee sIop
uround LIe corner."

n6. Whule Tule

A IILLIe gIrI wus LuIkIng Lo Ier LeucIer ubouL wIuIes.
TIe LeucIer suId IL wus pIvsIcuIIv ImpossIbIe Ior u
wIuIe Lo swuIIow u Iumun becuuse even LIougI IL
wus u verv Iurge mummuI ILs LIrouL wus verv smuII.
TIe IILLIe gIrI sLuLed LIuL JonuI wus swuIIowed bv u
wIuIe. rrILuLed, LIe LeucIer reILeruLed LIuL u wIuIe
couId noL swuIIow u Iumun; IL wus pIvsIcuIIv
ImpossIbIe. TIe IILLIe gIrI suId, "WIen geL Lo
Ieuven wIII usk JonuI!" TIe LeucIer usked, "WIuL
II JonuI wenL Lo IeII?" TIe IILLIe gIrI repIIed, "TIen
vou usk IIm".
74
n. The Silent Treutment

A mun und IIs wIIe were IuvIng some probIems uL
Iome und were gIvIng eucI oLIer LIe sIIenL
LreuLmenL. TIe nexL week, LIe mun reuIIzed LIuL Ie
wouId need IIs wIIe Lo wuke IIm uL =:oo um Ior un
eurIv mornIng busIness IIIgIL. NoL wunLIng Lo be LIe
IIrsL Lo breuk LIe sIIence (und Iose), Ie wroLe on u
pIece oI puper, "PIeuse wuke me uL =:oo u.m." TIe
nexL mornIng, LIe mun woke up, onIv Lo dIscover IL
wus :oo u.m. und LIuL Ie Iud mIssed IIs IIIgIL.
urIous, Ie wus ubouL Lo go und see wIv IIs wIIe
Iudn'L woken IIm wIen Ie noLIced u pIece oI puper
bv LIe bed. TIe puper reud, Wuke up, IL's =:oo u.m.!

nS. The One-Wish Genie

A womun wus wuIkIng uIong LIe beucI wIen sIe
sLumbIed upon u boLLIe. SIe pIcked IL up und
rubbed IL, und Io-und-beIoId u GenIe uppeured. TIe
umuzed womun usked II sIe goL LIree wIsIes. TIe
GenIe suId, "Nope, sorrv LIree-wIsI genIes ure u
sLorv-LuIe mvLI. 'm u one-wIsI genIe.
So...wIuL'II IL be?"

TIe womun dIdn'L IesILuLe. SIe suId, " wunL peuce
In LIe MIddIe EusL. See LIIs mup? wunL LIese
counLrIes Lo sLop IIgILIng wILI eucI oLIer und
wunL uII LIe Arubs Lo Iove Jews und AmerIcuns und
vIsu versu. L wIII brIng ubouL worId peuce und
Iurmonv."

TIe GenIe Iooked uL LIe mup und excIuImed, "udv,
be reusonubIe. TIese counLrIes Iuve been uL wur Ior
LIousunds oI veurs. 'm ouL oI sIupe uILer beIng In u
boLLIe Ior IIve Iundred veurs. 'm good buL noL
THAT good! don'L LIInk IL cun be done. Muke
unoLIer wIsI und pIeuse be reusonubIe."

TIe womun LIougIL Ior u mInuLe und suId, "WeII,
've never been ubIe Lo IInd LIe rIgIL mun. You
know, one LIuL's consIderuLe und Iun, IIkes Lo cook
und IeIps wILI LIe Iouse cIeunIng, Is un exceIIenL
Iover, geLs uIong wILI mv IumIIv, doesn'L wuLcI
sporLs uII LIe LIme, und Is IuILIIuI. TIuL's wIuL
wIsI Ior...u good mun."

TIe GenIe IeL ouL u Iong sIgI, sIook IIs Ieud und
suId, "eL me see LIuL mup uguIn."
nn. New rinkinu Aue

DId vou Ieur LIuL LIev Iuve ruIsed LIe mInImum
drInkIng uge In Tennessee Lo z? L seems LIev
wunL Lo keep uIcoIoI ouL oI LIe IIgI scIooIs.

oo. Writinu with Imotionul Appeul

TIere wus once u voung mun wIo, In IIs vouLI,
proIessed IIs desIre Lo become u greuL wrILer. WIen
usked Lo deIIne "greuL" Ie suId, " wunL Lo wrILe
sLuII LIuL LIe wIoIe worId wIII reud, sLuII LIuL
peopIe wIII reucL Lo on u LruIv powerIuI IeveI, sLuII
LIuL wIII muke LIem screum, crv, und IowI wILI
emoLIon!"

He now works Ior MIcrosoIL, wrILIng error
messuges.

o1. Lunuouue Lessons

PresIdenL BusI geLs u coIIecL cuII Irom Suddum
HusseIn one duv. Suddum suvs Lo BusI, "usL nIgIL
Iud u verv InLeresLIng dreum." BusI usks "So wIuL
wus IL?"

" Iud u dreum LIuL suw AmerIcu, buL uII LIe
buIIdIngs were druped wILI Iuge ruqI bunners"

BusI repIIes "TIuL's verv InLeresLIng- IusL nIgIL
uIso Iud u dreum. dreumed LIuL suw ruq und
LIere were uIso Iuge bunners on uII LIe buIIdIngs"

"So wIuL were LIev?"

" don'L know, cun'L reud Hebrew"

o. Cuveut Imptor

A Iumous urL coIIecLor Is wuIkIng LIrougI LIe cILv
wIen Ie noLIces u mungv cuL IuppIng mIIk Irom u
suucer In LIe doorwuv oI u sLore. He does u doubIe
Luke, us Ie noLIces LIuL LIe suucer Is exLremeIv oId
und verv vuIuubIe. He wuIks cusuuIIv InLo LIe sLore
und oIIers Lo buv LIe cuL Ior Lwo doIIurs.

TIe sLoreowner repIIes, "'m sorrv, buL LIe cuL Isn'L
Ior suIe."

TIe coIIecLor suvs, "PIeuse, need u Iungrv cuL
uround LIe Iouse Lo cuLcI mIce. 'II puv vou LwenLv
doIIurs Ior LIuL cuL."
75
And LIe owner suvs "SoId," und Iunds over LIe cuL.

TIe coIIecLor conLInues, "Hev, Ior LIe LwenLv bucks
wonder II vou couId LIrow In LIuL oId suucer. TIe
cuL's used Lo IL und IL'II suve me IuvIng Lo geL u
dIsI."

And LIe owner suvs, "Sorrv buddv, buL LIuL's mv
Iuckv suucer. So Iur LIIs week 've soId sIxLv-eIgIL
cuLs."

o. The isuppeurinu Mun

A mun IeIL work one rIduv uILernoon. BuL InsLeud
oI goIng Iome, Ie sLuved ouL LIe enLIre weekend,
IunLIng wILI LIe bovs und spendIng IIs enLIre
puvcIeck. WIen Ie IInuIIv uppeured uL Iome,
Sunduv nIgIL, Ie wus conIronLed bv IIs verv ungrv
wIIe und wus burruged Ior neurIv z Iours wILI u
LIrude ubouL IIs ucLIons.

InuIIv IIs wIIe sLopped LIe nuggIng und sImpIv
suId Lo IIm "How wouId vou IIke IL II vou dIdn'L see
me Ior z or duvs?" To wIIcI Ie repIIed, "TIuL
wouId be IIne wILI me." Monduv wenL bv und Ie
dIdn'L see IIs wIIe. Tuesduv und Wednesduv cume
und wenL und Ie dIdn'L see Ier. On TIursduv, LIe
sweIIIng wenL down jusL enougI wIere Ie couId see
Ier u IILLIe ouL oI LIe corner oI IIs IeIL eve.

oA. At The Bur

AL :oou.m., u desk cIerk uL u IoLeI geLs u cuII Irom
u drunk guv uskIng wIuL LIme LIe bur opens. "L
opens uL noon," unswers LIe cIerk.

AbouL un Iour IuLer, Ie geLs u cuII Irom LIe sume
guv, soundIng even drunker. "WIuL LIme does LIe
bur open?" Ie usks.

"Sume LIme us beIore...noon," repIIes LIe cIerk.

AnoLIer Iour pusses und Ie cuIIs uguIn, pIusLered,
"WIuLjoo sIuv LIe bur opIns uL?"

TIe cIerk LIen unswers, "L opens uL noon, buL II
vou cun'L wuIL, cun Iuve room servIce send
someLIIng up Lo vou."

"No... don'L wunnu gIL In...uI wunnu gIL OUT!!!"
o=. Kneelinu Ior Pruyers

A grundIuLIer wus wuIkIng pusL IIs voung
grundduugILer's room one nIgIL, wIen Ie suw Ier
kneeIIng besIde Ier bed, Ier Ieud bowed und Iunds
IoIded, repeuLIng LIe uIpIubeL.

"WIuL ure vou doIng?" Ie usked Ier.

SIe expIuIned, "'m suvIng mv pruvers, buL
couIdn'L LIInk oI jusL wIuL wunLed Lo suv. So 'm
jusL suvIng uII LIe IeLLers oI LIe uIpIubeL und God
cun puL LIem LogeLIer Iowever Ie LIInks besL."

o6. Good Qoestion

I drInkIng und drIvIng Is IorbIdden, wIv do vou
need u drIver`s IIcense Lo buv beer?

o. Yoo Cun't Tuke It with Yoo

A sLIngv oId Iuwver wIo Iud been dIugnosed wILI u
LermInuI IIIness wus deLermIned Lo prove wrong LIe
suvIng, "You cun'L Luke IL wILI vou."

AILer mucI LIougIL und consIderuLIon, LIe oId
umbuIunce cIuser IInuIIv IIgured ouL Iow Lo Luke uL
IeusL some oI IIs monev wILI IIm wIen Ie dIed. He
InsLrucLed IIs wIIe Lo go Lo LIe bunk und wILIdruw
enougI monev Lo IIII Lwo pIIIowcuses. He LIen
dIrecLed Ier Lo Luke LIe bugs oI monev Lo LIe uLLIc
und Ieuve LIem dIrecLIv ubove IIs bed. HIs pIun:
WIen Ie pussed uwuv, Ie wouId reucI ouL und grub
LIe bugs on IIs wuv Lo Heuven.

SeveruI weeks uILer LIe IuneruI, LIe deceused
Iuwver's wIIe, up In LIe uLLIc cIeunIng cume upon
LIe Lwo IorgoLLen pIIIowcuses sLuIIed wILI cusI.
"OI, LIuL oId IooI," sIe excIuImed. " knew Ie
sIouId Iuve Iud me puL LIe monev In LIe
busemenL."

oS. Oops!

A mun In u Iurrv LukIng IIs 8-veur-oId son Lo
scIooI, mude u Lurn uL u red IIgIL wIere IL wus
proIIbILed.

"UI-oI, LIInk jusL mude un IIIeguI Lurn!" LIe
mun suId.
76
"L's okuv, Dud" LIe bov suId. "TIe poIIce cur rIgIL
beIInd us dId LIe sume LIIng."

on. Muchine Competence

An uppIIcunL wus usked II Ie wus IumIIIur wILI unv
mucIInes. He suId, "our."

"TIuL's greuL. WIuL ure LIe Iour mucIInes?"

He suId, "Coke, coIIee, cundv, und cIgureLLe."

1o. Toouh Teucher

A scIooILeucIer Injured IIs buck und Iud Lo weur u
pIusLer cusL uround LIe upper purL oI IIs bodv. L IIL
under IIs sIIrL und wus noL noLIceubIe uL uII.

On LIe IIrsL duv oI LIe Lerm, sLIII wILI LIe cusL
under IIs sIIrL, Ie Iound IImseII ussIgned Lo LIe
LougIesL sLudenLs In scIooI. WuIkIng conIIdenLIv
InLo LIe rowdv cIussroom, Ie opened LIe wIndow us
wIde us possIbIe und LIen busIed IImseII wILI
deskwork.

WIen u sLrong breeze mude IIs LIe IIup, Ie Look LIe
desk sLupIer und sLupIed LIe LIe Lo IIs cIesL.

NeedIess Lo suv, Ie Iud no more LroubIe wILI IIs
sLudenLs LIuL Lerm.

11. Tux Puyer ollurs ut Work

Two guvs were workIng Ior LIe cILv. One wouId
IurIousIv dIg u IoIe, LIen LIe oLIer wouId come
beIInd IIm und quIckIv IIII LIe IoIe. TIev were
drencIed In sweuL.

A mun wuLcIIng Irom LIe sIdewuIk couIdn'L beIIeve
Iow Iurd LIev were workIng, buL uIso couIdn'L
undersLund wIuL LIev were doIng. InuIIv Ie suId:
"'m conIused. You dIg u IoIe und LIen vour purLner
comes beIInd vou und IIIIs IL up uguIn!"

TIe dIgger Ieuned on IIs sIoveI und repIIed, "OI
veuI, IL musL Iook Iunnv. You see, LIe Iuzv jerk wIo
pIunLs LIe Lrees Is sIck uguIn Loduv!"

1. Redneck Wins the Lottery

A Redneck buvs u LIckeL und wIns LIe IoLLerv. He
goes Lo AusLIn Lo cIuIm IL wIere LIe mun verIIIes IIs
LIckeL number. TIe Redneck suvs, " wunL mv $zo
mIIIIon."

To wIIcI LIe mun repIIed, "No sIr. L doesn'L work
LIuL wuv. We gIve vou u mIIIIon Loduv, und LIen
vou'II geL LIe resL spreud ouL Ior LIe nexL 1 veurs.

TIe Redneck suId, " wunL uII mv monev RGHT
now! won IL, und wunL IL."

AguIn LIe mun puLIenLIv expIuIns LIuL Ie wouId onIv
geL u mIIIIon LIuL duv und LIe resL durIng LIe nexL
1 veurs.

TIe Redneck, IurIous wILI LIe mun, screums ouL,
"ook, WANT MY MONEY!! I vou're noL goIng Lo
gIve me mv $zo mIIIIon rIgIL now, THEN WANT
MY DOAR BACK!"

1. Wutch ou

A bIInd mun wuIked InLo u bunk wILI IIs seeIng-eve
dog LIuL guIded IIm evervwIere. He wuIked InLo
LIe cenLer oI LIe bunk IIoor, Look LIe dog bv LIe
cIuIn, und sLurLed swIngIng IIm uround IIs Ieud.
Evervone sLopped wIuL LIev were doIng und sLured.
TIe oLIer cusLomers were Luken ubuck und some
were verv upseL uL LIe wuv LIe unImuI wus beIng
LreuLed. One oI LIe LeIIers run up Lo LIe bIInd mun
und usked, "SIr, wIuL ure vou doIng!?!"

TIe mun Lurned Lowurd LIe LeIIer und suId, "OI,
noLIIng - jusL IookIng uround."

1A. Beut the Cusino

WIuL Is LIe onIv wuv Lo keep vour monev Irom LIe
cusInos In Vegus?

WIen vou geL oII LIe pIune wuIk InLo LIe propeIIers!

1=. uouhter's Pruyer

A IumIIv wus IuvIng some peopIe Lo dInner. AL LIe
LubIe, LIe moLIer Lurned Lo Ier sIx-veur-oId
duugILer und suId, "Deur, wouId vou IIke Lo suv LIe
bIessIng?"

" wouIdn'L know wIuL Lo suv," repIIed LIe IILLIe gIrI,
sIvIv.
77
"JusL suv wIuL vou Ieur Mommv suv, sweeLIe," LIe
womun suId.

Her duugILer Look u deep breuLI, bowed Ier Ieud,
und soIemnIv suId, "Deur ord, wIv LIe IeII dId
InvILe uII LIese peopIe Lo dInner!?!"

16. The President's Pozzle

DIck CIenev wuIks InLo LIe OvuI OIIIce und sees
TIe PresIdenL wIoopIng und IoIIerIng.

"WIuL's LIe muLLer, Mr. PresIdenL?" LIe VIce
PresIdenL InquIred.

"NoLIIng uL uII." jusL IInIsIed u jIgsuw puzzIe In
record LIme," LIe PresIdenL beumed.

"How Iong dId IL Luke vou?"

"WeII, LIe box suId ' Lo = Yeurs' buL dId IL In u
monLI!"

1. Alexunder und Kermit

WIuL do AIexunder LIe GreuL und KermIL LIe rog
Iuve In common?

TIeIr mIddIe nume.

1S. RuIIle Prize

Tom Iud won u Lov uL u ruIIIe. He cuIIed IIs = kIds
LogeLIer Lo usk wIIcI one sIouId Iuve LIe presenL.
"WIo Is LIe mosL obedIenL?" Ie usked.

TIe cIIIdren uII sLured buck uL IIm In sIIence.

TIen Ie usked, "WIo never LuIks buck Lo MoLIer?"

AguIn LIe kIds uppeured Lo be mvsLIIIed bv LIe
quesLIon.

TIen Tom usked, "WIo does evervLIIng sIe suvs?"
WILI LIuL quesLIon, LIe kIds were IInuIIv ubIe Lo
come Lo u concIusIon. TIe IIve smuII voIces
unswered In unIson, "Okuv, Dud, vou geL LIe Lov."

1n. Blonde Robbery

A bIonde wuIked up Lo u mun und suId, "GIve me
vour wuIIeL."
TIe mun suId, "Okuv, buL gIve me LIe gun."

TIe bIonde guve IIm LIe gun und LIe mun guve IIs
wuIIeL. TIe mun used LIe gun Lo sLeuI IIs wuIIeL
buck.

TIe bIonde suId, "You're un IdIoL -- LIere's no
buIIeLs In LIe gun."

TIe mun repIIed, "No, vou're LIe IdIoL -- LIere's no
monev In LIe wuIIeL."

o. Opposite-Side Purkinu

DurIng u verv deep snowsLorm In New York, u mun
wus IIsLenIng Lo LIe rudIo. TIe newscusLer wus
suvIng, "PIeuse purk vour curs on LIe sIde oI LIe
sLreeL wILI even-numbered uddresses, und LIe snow
pIows wIII pIow LIe opposILe sIde LonIgIL." TIe mun
wenL ouL und purked IIs cur on LIe even sIde.

TIe snow conLInued LIe nexL duv, und LIe
newscusLer unnounced LIuL LIe curs sIouId be
purked on LIe odd-numbered sIde oI LIe sLreeL so
LIe pIows couId come und do LIe oLIer sIde. OI
course, our mun dId jusL LIuL.

On LIe LIIrd duv oI LIe sLorm, LIe mun InLenLIv
IIsLened Ior LIuL nIgIL's purkIng InsLrucLIons. He
Ieurd none und usked IIs wIIe II sIe Iud Ieurd
unvLIIng ubouL wIIcI sIde Lo purk on. SIe repIIed,
"No. WIv don'L vou jusL Ieuve IL In LIe guruge?"

1. The ock

A duck wuIked InLo u grocerv sLore und usked LIe
cIerk, "Excuse me, do vou Iuve unv grupes?"

TIe cIerk suId, "No, duck, we don'L Iuve unv
grupes."

So LIe duck reLurns LIe nexL duv Lo LIe sume
grocerv sLore und usks LIe cIerk, "Excuse me, do
vou Iuve unv grupes?"

TIe cIerk repIIes, "No, Duck, LoId vou we don'L
Iuve unv grupes und II vou come buck Iere uguIn
'm goIng Lo sLupIe vour IeeL Lo LIe IIoor und cuII LIe
poIIce!"

So LIe duck comes buck uguIn LIe nexL duv Lo LIe
sume cIerk und suvs, "Excuse me, do vou Iuve unv
78
sLupIes?" TIe cIerk suvs, "No, duck, we don'L Iuve
unv sLupIes!"

So LIe duck suvs, "TIen do vou Iuve unv grupes?"

. Stute "Cupituls"

A bIonde wus bruggIng ubouL Ier knowIedge oI sLuLe
cupILuIs. SIe proudIv suvs, "Go uIeud, usk me,
know uII oI LIem."

A IrIend suvs, "OK, wIuL's LIe cupILuI oI
WIsconsIn?"

TIe bIonde repIIes, "OI, LIuL's eusv: W."

. Nutorul Selection

One nIgIL, u DeILu LwIn-engIne puddIe jumper wus
IIvIng somewIere ubove New Jersev. TIere were
IIve peopIe on bourd: LIe pIIoL, MIcIueI Jordun, BIII
GuLes, LIe DuII umu, und u IIppIe. SuddenIv, un
IIIeguI oxvgen generuLor expIoded IoudIv In LIe
Iugguge compurLmenL, und LIe pussenger cubIn
begun Lo IIII wILI smoke. TIe cockpIL door opened,
und LIe pIIoL bursL InLo LIe compurLmenL.

"GenLIemen," Ie begun, " Iuve good news und bud
news. TIe bud news Is LIuL we're ubouL Lo crusI In
New Jersev. TIe good news Is LIuL LIere ure Iour
purucIuLes, und Iuve one oI LIem!" WILI LIuL, LIe
pIIoL LIrew open LIe door und jumped Irom LIe
pIune.

MIcIueI Jordun wus on IIs IeeL In u IIusI.
"GenLIemen," Ie suId, " um LIe worId's greuLesL
uLIIeLe. TIe worId needs greuL uLIIeLes. LIInk LIe
worId's greuLesL uLIIeLe sIouId Iuve u purucIuLe!"
WILI LIese words, Ie grubbed one oI LIe remuInIng
purucIuLes, und IurLIed LIrougI LIe door und InLo
LIe nIgIL.

BIII GuLes rose und suId, "GenLIemen, um LIe
worId's smurLesL mun. TIe worId needs smurL men.
LIInk LIe worId's smurLesL mun sIouId Iuve u
purucIuLe, Loo." He grubbed one, und ouL Ie
jumped. TIe DuII umu und LIe IIppIe Iooked uL
one unoLIer. InuIIv, LIe DuII umu spoke. "Mv
son," Ie suId, " Iuve IIved u suLIsIvIng IIIe und Iuve
known LIe bIIss oI True EnIIgILenmenL. You Iuve
vour IIIe uIeud oI vou; vou Luke u purucIuLe, und
wIII go down wILI LIe pIune."
TIe IIppIe smIIed sIowIv und suId, "Hev, don'L
worrv, pop. TIe worId's smurLesL mun jusL jumped
ouL weurIng mv buckpuck."

A. The Old Mun und the Ponk Rocker

An oId mun wus wuIkIng LIrougI LIe purk one duv
wIen Ie noLIced u voung mun wILI red, bIue, veIIow
und green IuIr, sILLIng on u purk bencI. He umbIed
on over und Look u seuL besIde LIe voung mun und
begun Lo sLure reuIIv Iurd uL IIm.

AILer u wIIIe LIe punk rocker suId, "Hev oId mun
wIuL cIoo IookIn' uL, uIn'L vou ever dId unvLIIng
wIId und cruzv?"

TIe IILLIe oId mun responded, "YeuI, one LIme In
LIe murInes wus sLrunded on u deserLed IsIund Ior
Lwo veurs, nobodv buL me und u purroL."

TIe voung bov suId, "So, wIuL's LIuL goL Lo do wILI
unvLIIng?"

TIe oId mun repIIed, "WeII wus jusL wonderIn' II
vou mIgIL be mv son!!"

=. The Philosophy oI Beer

A pIIIosopIv proIessor sLood beIore IIs cIuss und
Iud some ILems In IronL oI IIm.

WIen LIe cIuss begun, wordIessIv Ie pIcked up u
Iurge empLv muvonnuIse jur und proceeded Lo IIII IL
wILI rocks, rocks ubouL z" In dIumeLer.

He LIen usked LIe sLudenLs II LIe jur wus IuII. TIev
ugreed LIuL IL wus. So LIe proIessor LIen pIcked up
u box oI pebbIes und poured LIem InLo LIe jur. He
sIook LIe jur IIgILIv. TIe pebbIes, oI course, roIIed
InLo LIe open ureus beLween LIe rocks. He LIen
usked LIe sLudenLs uguIn II LIe jur wus IuII.

TIev ugreed IL wus. TIe sLudenLs IuugIed. TIe
proIessor pIcked up u box oI sund und poured IL
InLo LIe jur. OI course, LIe sund IIIIed up evervLIIng
eIse.

"Now," suId LIe proIessor, " wunL vou Lo recognIze
LIuL LIIs Is vour IIIe. TIe rocks ure LIe ImporLunL
LIIngs - vour IumIIv, vour purLner, vour IeuILI, vour
cIIIdren - LIIngs LIuL II evervLIIng eIse wus IosL und
onIv LIev remuIned, vour IIIe wouId sLIII be IuII. TIe
79
pebbIes ure LIe oLIer LIIngs LIuL muLLer IIke vour
job, vour Iouse, vour cur. TIe sund Is evervLIIng
eIse, LIe smuII sLuII.

"I vou puL LIe sund InLo LIe jur IIrsL, LIere Is no
room Ior LIe pebbIes or LIe rocks. TIe sume goes
Ior vour IIIe. I vou spend uII vour LIme und energv
on LIe smuII sLuII, vou wIII never Iuve room Ior LIe
LIIngs LIuL ure ImporLunL Lo vou. Puv uLLenLIon Lo
LIe LIIngs LIuL ure crILIcuI Lo vour IuppIness. Tuke
cure oI LIe rocks IIrsL - LIe LIIngs LIuL reuIIv
muLLer. SeL vour prIorILIes. TIe resL Is jusL sund."

BuL LIen u sLudenL Look LIe jur, wIIcI LIe oLIer
sLudenLs und LIe proIessor ugreed wus IuII, und
proceeded Lo pour In u gIuss oI beer. OI course LIe
beer IIIIed LIe remuInIng spuces wILIIn LIe jur
mukIng LIe jur LruIv IuII.

TIe moruI oI LIIs LuIe Is: no muLLer Iow IuII vour
IIIe Is, LIere Is uIwuvs room Ior beer.

6. Muybe unother Time

uLIer O'MuIIev wuIks InLo u pub In DoneguI, und
suvs Lo LIe IIrsL mun Ie meeLs, "Do vou wunL Lo go
Lo Ieuven?"

TIe mun suId, " do uLIer."

TIe prIesL suId, TIen sLunds over LIere uguInsL LIe
wuII."

TIen LIe prIesL usked LIe second mun, "Do vou
wunL Lo go Lo Ieuven?"

"Sure, uLIer, und wIo wouIdn'L?" wus LIe mun's
repIv.

"TIen sLund over LIere uguInsL LIe wuII," suId LIe
prIesL.

TIen uLIer O'MuIIev wuIked up Lo MurpIv und
suId, "Do vou wunL Lo go Lo Ieuven?"

MurpIv sIook IIs Ieud und suId, "No, don'L
uLIer."

TIe prIesL suId, "C'mon Iud... don'L beIIeve LIIs.
You meun Lo LeII me LIuL wIen vou dIe vou don'L
wunL Lo go Lo Ieuven?"
MurpIv suId, "OI, wIen dIe, ves. Sure, LIougIL
vou were geLLIng u group LogeLIer Lo go rIgIL now."

. A Little Seusick

reddIe Iud never been on u deep-seu IIsIIng bouL
beIore, und Ie wus now LIInkIng IL wus LIe
sLupIdesL LIIng Ie'd ever done In IIs IIIe. WIo
wouId ever Iuve beIIeved LIuL seusIckness couId be
LIIs uwIuI?

WILI everv pILcI und roII, reddIe wondered Iow Ie
wus goIng Lo survIve LIe remuInIng Lwo Iours oI LIe
LrIp.

One oI LIe deckIunds cume up Lo IIm und suId,
"Don'L worrv, voung IeIIu. Nobodv ever dIed oI
seusIckness."

"OI noooo!!" reddIe wuIIed. "You've jusL Luken
uwuv mv IusL Iope Ior reIIeI!"

S. Slow Service

TIe resLuurunL wIere SuIIv Look Ier Lwo sons Ior u
meuI wus crowded wILI Iuns wuLcIIng u sporLIng
evenL on LeIevIsIon.

TIe IurrIed wuILress Look LIeIr order, buL more
LIun IuII un Iour pussed wILI no sIgn oI Ier reLurn.

SuIIv wus LrvIng Lo keep Ier kIds Irom becomIng
resLIess wIen suddenIv sIouLs oI vIcLorv cume Irom
eIsewIere In LIe resLuurunL.

"Hev," commenLed Ier 11-veur-oId, "IL sounds us II
someone jusL goL IIs Iood."

n. Two Arubs ure Chuttinu.

One oI LIem Ius IIs wuIIeL ouL und Is IIIppIng
LIrougI pIcLures. "YeuI, LIIs Is mv oIdesL. He wus u
murLvr. Here's mv second son. He wus u murLvr,
Loo."

AILer u puuse...

TIe second Arub suvs, wIsLIuIIv, "AI, LIev bIow up
so IusL, don'L LIev?"
80
o. The Accidentul I-muil

One duv LIere IIved u mun und u womun numed Mr.
und Mrs. Jones wIo IIved In DeIuwure. One duv Mr.
Jones Iud Lo Luke u busIness LrIp Lo HuwuII. WIIIe
In HuwuII, Mr. Jones e-muIIed IIs wIIe everv duv
jusL Lo suv, " Iove vou und mIss vou."

However, one duv Mr. Jones Iud LroubIe
rememberIng LIe e-muII uddress. He dId LIe besL Ie
couId buL Ie wus noL successIuI. nsLeud oI LIe
messuge beIng senL Lo IIs wIIe IL wus mIsLukenIv
senL Lo u Iudv wIose Iusbund wus u preucIer und
Iud jusL dIed.

TIe Iudv opened LIe e-muII und IL reud," Honev,
mIss vou so mucI und Iove vou"..."p.s.- IL sure Is
IoL down Iere!"

TIe Iudv IuInLed uL LIe compuLer.

1. This'll kill yoo

TIe Jupunese euL verv IILLIe IuL und suIIer Iewer
IeurL uLLucks LIun LIe BrILIsI or AmerIcuns.

On LIe oLIer Iund, LIe rencI euL u IoL oI IuL und
uIso suIIer Iewer IeurL uLLucks LIun LIe BrILIsI or
AmerIcuns.

TIe Jupunese drInk verv IILLIe red wIne und suIIer
Iewer IeurL uLLucks LIun LIe BrILIsI or AmerIcuns.

However, LIe LuIIuns drInk excessIve umounLs oI
red wIne und uIso suIIer Iewer IeurL uLLucks LIun
LIe BrILIsI or AmerIcuns.

ConcIusIon: EuL & drInk wIuL vou IIke. L's speukIng
EngIIsI LIuL kIIIs vou.

. It's Not Ior Him, Stopid

An oId coupIe Is on u wuIk, wIen u pIgeon IIIes bv
und deposILs u poopv IILLIe presenL on LIe womun's
Ieud.

"YecI!" suvs LIe womun. "GeL some LoIIeL puper."

"WIuL Ior? He musL be IuII-u-mIIe uwuv bv now."
. Inuineer vs. Munuuement

A mun In u IoL uIr buIIoon reuIIzed Ie wus IosL. He
reduced uILILude und spoLLed u womun beIow. He
descended u bIL more und sIouLed, "Excuse me, cun
vou IeIp me? promIsed u IrIend wouId meeL IIm
un Iour ugo, buL don'L know wIere um."

TIe womun beIow repIIed, "You ure In u IoL uIr
buIIoon IoverIng upproxImuLeIv o IeeL ubove LIe
ground. You ure beLween qo und q1 degrees norLI
IuLILude und beLween = und 6o degrees wesL
IongILude."

"You musL be un engIneer," suId LIe buIIoonIsL.

" um," repIIed LIe womun, "Iow dId vou know?"

"WeII," unswered LIe buIIoonIsL, "evervLIIng vou
LoId me Is LecInIcuIIv correcL, buL Iuve no Ideu
wIuL Lo muke oI vour InIormuLIon, und LIe IucL Is
um sLIII IosL. runkIv, vou've noL been mucI IeIp so
Iur."

TIe womun beIow responded, "You musL be In
MunugemenL."

" um," repIIed LIe buIIoonIsL, "buL Iow dId vou
know?"

"WeII," suId LIe womun, "vou don'L know wIere vou
ure or wIere vou ure goIng. You Iuve rIsen Lo wIere
vou ure due Lo u Iurge quunLILv oI IoL uIr. You mude
u promIse wIIcI vou Iuve no Ideu Iow Lo keep, und
vou expecL peopIe beneuLI vou Lo soIve vour
probIems. TIe IucL Is, vou ure In exucLIv LIe sume
posILIon vou were In beIore we meL, buL now,
someIow, IL's mv IuuIL."

A. Weuther Wisdom

A IIIm crew wus on IocuLIon deep In LIe deserL. One
duv u wIse ndIun EIder wenL up Lo LIe dIrecLor und
suId, "Tomorrow ruIn."

TIe nexL duv IL ruIned. A week IuLer, LIe ndIun
wenL up Lo LIe dIrecLor und suId, "Tomorrow
sLorm."

TIe nexL duv LIere wus u IuIIsLorm. "TIIs ndIun Is
IncredIbIe," suId LIe dIrecLor. He LoId IIs secreLurv
Lo IIre LIe ndIun Lo predIcL LIe weuLIer Ior LIe
81
remuInIng oI LIe sIooL. However, uILer severuI
successIuI predIcLIons, LIe oId ndIun dIdn'L sIow
up Ior u week. InuIIv LIe dIrecLor senL Ior IIm. "
Iuve Lo sIooL u bIg scene Lomorrow," suId LIe
dIrecLor, "und 'm dependIng on vou. WIuL wIII LIe
weuLIer be IIke?"

TIe ndIun sIrugged IIs sIouIders. "Don'L know,"
Ie suId. "Mv rudIo Is broken."

=. The Jomper

Two guvs were sILLIng uL u bur one duv wuLcIIng LIe
6:oo news. A mun wus ubouL Lo jump oII u brIdge on
T.V., so one guv beL LIe oLIer guv $= LIuL Ie wouId
jump.

TIe oLIer guv suId, " don'L know II Ie's goIng Lo
jump."

InuIIv LIev mude LIe beL.

TIev were gIued Lo LIe T.V. wuLcIIng Lo see wIeLIer
LIe guv on LIe brIdge wus goIng Lo jump or noL,
wIen uII oI u sudden Ie jumps oII.

WIen LIe guv wIo IosL guve LIe oLIer guv IIs
monev, LIe oLIer guv suId, "No, no vou keep vour
monev, 've uIreudv seen LIIs on LIe =:oo news."

TIe guv wIo IosL suvs, "So dId buL never LIougIL
Ie wouId jump LwIce."

6. Reul Men

TIere were LIree guvs LuIkIng In LIe pub. Two oI
LIem ure LuIkIng ubouL LIe umounL oI conLroI LIev
Iuve over LIeIr wIves, wIIIe LIe LIIrd remuIns
quIeL. AILer u wIIIe, one oI LIe IIrsL Lwo Lurns Lo LIe
LIIrd und suvs, "WeII, wIuL ubouL vou? WIuL sorL oI
conLroI do vou Iuve over vour wIIe?"

TIe LIIrd IeIIow suvs, "'II LeII vou. JusL LIe oLIer
nIgIL, mv wIIe cume Lo me on Ier Iunds und knees."

TIe IIrsL Lwo guvs were umuzed. "WIuL Iuppened
LIen?" LIev usked.

SIe suId, "GeL ouL Irom under LIe bed und IIgIL IIke
u mun!"
. Blonde Ice Iishinu

A bIonde wunLed Lo go Ice IIsIIng. SIe'd seen munv
books on LIe subjecL, und IInuIIv geLLIng uII LIe
necessurv LooIs LogeLIer, sIe mude Ior LIe Ice. AILer
posILIonIng Ier comIv IooLsLooI, sIe sLurLed Lo
muke u cIrcuIur cuL In LIe Ice. SuddenIv, Irom LIe
skv, u voIce boomed, "THERE ARE NO SH
UNDER THE CE."

SLurLIed, LIe bIonde moved IurLIer down LIe Ice,
poured u LIermos oI cuppuccIno, und begun Lo cuL
veL unoLIer IoIe. AguIn Irom LIe Ieuven LIe voIced
beIIowed, "THERE ARE NO SH UNDER THE
CE."

TIe bIonde, now worrIed, moved uwuv, cIeur down
Lo LIe opposILe end oI LIe Ice. SIe seL up Ier sLooI
once more und LrIed uguIn Lo cuL Ier IoIe. TIe voIce
cume once more, "THERE ARE NO SH UNDER
THE CE."

SIe sLopped, Iooked skvwurd, und suId, "s LIuL vou,
ord?"

TIe voIce repIIed, "No, LIIs Is LIe munuger oI LIe
Iockev rInk."

S. Not Qoite u GiIt Horse

A mun wuIks InLo u peL sIop Lo buv IIs moLIer u
bIrLIduv presenL. He seIecLs u beuuLIIuI purroL.

Two weeks IuLer, Ie cuIIs IIs mom. "How's LIe bIrd
goL vou?"

"OI, IL wus deIIcIous," sIe repIIed.

Her son, In dIsbeIIeI, suvs, "WIuL?? You uLe LIuL
purroL? He cosL me $6oo.oo und couId speuk sIx
Iunguuges!"

"WeII," sIe repIIed, "Ie sIouId Iuve suId
someLIIng!"

n. Missinu Persons Alert

A womun reporLed LIe dIsuppeurunce oI Ier
Iusbund Lo LIe poIIce.

TIe oIIIcer In cIurge Iooked uL LIe pIoLogrupI sIe
Iunded IIm, quesLIoned Ier, und LIen usked II sIe
82
wIsIed Lo gIve Ier Iusbund unv messuge II LIev
Iound IIm.

"OI, ves," sIe repIIed reudIIv. "TeII IIm 'MoLIer
dIdn'L come uILer uII.'"

Ao. Cur Trooble

One duv, u bIonde wun cuugIL In u IuIIsLorm. Bv LIe
LIme sIe goL Iome, LIere were denLs LIe sIze oI goII
buIIs In Ier cur. TIe nexL duv, sIe Look Ier cur
down Lo LIe puneI beuLers und usked II Ie couId IIx
IL.

TIe puneI beuLer, seeIng sIe wus u bIonde decIded
Lo Iuve u IILLIe Iun wILI Ier. So Ie suId, "I vou wunL
Lo suve u Iew bucks, InsLeud oI me doIng IL Ior vou,
go Iome und IIx IL vourseII."

"How do do LIuL?" usked LIe bIonde.

"WeII," repIIed LIe puneI beuLer, "You sImpIv bIow
up LIe exIuusL pIpe, und uII LIe denLs wIII pop ouL."

"CooI, LIunks," suvs LIe bIonde, und drIves Iome.
WIen sIe geLs Iome, sIe seLs Lo work LrvIng Lo
remove LIe denLs. WIen Ier IIuLmuLe, wIo Is uIso u
bIonde, comes Iome u Iew mInuLes IuLer, LIe IIrsL
bIonde Is ouL oI breuLI.

"WIuL LIe IeII ure vou doIng?" usks LIe IIuLmuLe.

"WeII," LIe IIrsL bIonde repIIes, LrvIng Lo sound
smurL, "bv bIowIng up LIe exIuusL pIpe, cun rId
mv cur oII uII LIese denLs!"

"GosI vou're sLupId!" suvs LIe IIuLmuLe. "No wonder
vou cunL do IL - vou need Lo puL LIe wIndows up
IIrsL!"

A1. Goormet Chicken Recipe

A wuILer usks u mun, "Muv Luke vour order, sIr?"

"Yes," LIe mun repIIes. "'m jusL wonderIng, exucLIv
Iow do vou prepure vour cIIckens?"

"NoLIIng specIuI, sIr. We jusL LeII LIem sLruIgIL ouL
LIuL LIev're goIng Lo dIe."
A. Accidentul Homor

A drunken guv sLumbIes ouL oI u purLv, und sLurLs Lo
wuIk Iome. On LIe wuv Ie bumps InLo u guv wIo Is
uII bIoodv und mungIed. TIe guv IImps up Lo LIe
drunk und suvs "CuII me un umbuIunce!" TIe drunk
Iooks uL IIm Ior second, smIIes und suvs, "You're un
umbuIunce!"

A. NASA und the $1 million dollur qoestion

NASA wus InLervIewIng proIessIonuIs Lo be senL Lo
Murs. OnIv one couId go, und Ie couIdn'L reLurn Lo
EurLI.

TIe IIrsL uppIIcunL, un engIneer, wus usked Iow
mucI Ie wunLed Lo be puId Ior goIng. "A mIIIIon
doIIurs," Ie unswered, "becuuse wunL Lo donuLe IL
Lo M..T."

TIe nexL uppIIcunL, u docLor, wus usked LIe sume
quesLIon. He usked Ior Lwo mIIIIon doIIurs. " wunL
Lo gIve u mIIIIon Lo mv IumIIv", Ie expIuIned, "und
Ieuve LIe oLIer mIIIIon Ior LIe udvuncemenL oI
medIcuI reseurcI."

TIe IusL uppIIcunL wus u Iuwver. WIen usked Iow
mucI monev Ie wunLed, Ie wIIspered In LIe
InLervIewer's eur, "TIree mIIIIon doIIurs." "WIv so
mucI more LIun LIe oLIers?" LIe InLervIewer usked.
TIe Iuwver repIIed, "I vou gIve me $ mIIIIon, 'II
gIve vou $1 mIIIIon, 'II keep $1 mIIIIon, und we'II
send LIe engIneer."

AA. Nons vs. Iuns

TIere were LIese LIree guvs uL u IooLbuII gume und
IL jusL so Iuppened LIuL LIev were sILLIng beIInd
LIree nuns.

TIev couIdn'L see reuIIv weII over LIeIr IubILs, so
one oI LIe guvs suvs, "Mun, wIsI IIved In OIIo,
LIere ure onIv z= CuLIoIIcs LIere."

One oI LIe oLIer guvs suvs, "WeII, wIsI IIved In
duIo becuuse LIere ure onIv zo CuLIoIIcs LIere."

TIen LIe IusL guv suvs, "WeII, wIsI IIved In
Oregon LIere ure onIv 1= CuLIoIIcs LIere."

TIen one oI LIe nuns Lurns uround und suvs, "WIv
don'L vou go Lo IeII - LIere ure no CuLIoIIcs LIere!"
83
A=. Wutch Yoor Step

TIree women dIe und go Lo Ieuven. TIe women ure
greeLed bv un ungeI wIo LeIIs LIem LIuL LIev eucI
Iuve Lo muke IL Lo LIe guLes wILIouL sLeppIng on u
dove. I LIev dId sLep on u dove, LIev'd be cIuIned
Lo un ugIv mun Iorever.

TIe IIrsL womun sLurLs wuIkIng und sees doves
evervwIere. SIe ImmedIuLeIv sLeps on one. TIe
ungeI uLLucIes Ier Lo un ugIv mun und sends Ier oII.

TIe second womun begIns wuIkIng und repeuLs LIe
sume LIIng. AnoLIer ugIv mun Is brougIL ouL und
uLLucIed Lo Ier Ior eLernILv.

TIe LIIrd womun mukes IL uII LIe wuv Lo LIe guLes
wILIouL sLeppIng on u dove. TIe ungeI
congruLuIuLes Ier und brIngs ouL LIe mosL gorgeous
mun sIe's ever seen und uLLucIes IIm Lo Ier.

"So wIuL Iuppened Lo vou?" usked LIe womun.

" sLepped on u dove."

A6. Bill Gutes und Generul Motors

BIII GuLes Is IungIng ouL wILI LIe cIuIrmun oI
GeneruI MoLors.

"I uuLomoLIve LecInoIogv Iud kepL puce wILI
compuLer LecInoIogv over LIe pusL Iew decudes,"
bousLs GuLes, "vou wouId now be drIvIng u V-z
InsLeud oI u V-8, und IL wouId Iuve u Lop speed oI
1o,ooo mIIes per Iour. Or, vou couId Iuve un
economv cur LIuL weIgIs o pounds und geLs u
LIousund mIIes Lo u guIIon oI gus. n eILIer cuse, LIe
sLIcker prIce oI u new cur wouId be Iess LIun $=o."

"Sure," suvs LIe GM cIuIrmun. "BuL wouId vou
reuIIv wunL Lo drIve u cur LIuL crusIes Iour LImes u
duv?"

A. Sticker Shock

A IrIend Look Ier dog Lo LIe purIor Ior u IuIrcuL,
und usked wIuL IL wouId cosL. BeIng LoId LIuL IL
wouId cosL Ier $6o, sIe wus sIocked. " onIv puv =o
bucks Ior mv own IuIrcuL!"

TIe groomer repIIed, "BuL vou don'L bILe, do vou?!"
AS. C.I.O = .L.M.B.

One duv u secreLurv Is IeuvIng on Ier IuncI breuk,
und sIe noLIces Ier boss sLundIng In IronL oI u
sIredder wILI u cIueIess Iook on IIs Iuce. TIe
secreLurv wuIks up Lo IIm und usks II Ie needs IeIp.

"Yes!" Ie suvs IookIng und soundIng reIIeved, "TIIs
Is verv ImporLunL."

GIud Lo IeIp, sIe Lurns LIe sIredder on und InserLs
LIe puper.

TIen Ier boss suvs, "TIunks, onIv need one copv."

An. Iusy Wuy Oot

A proIessor sLood beIore IIs cIuss oI LwenLv senIor
orgunIc bIoIogv sLudenLs, ubouL Lo Iund ouL LIe
IInuI exum.

" wunL Lo suv LIuL IL's been u pIeusure LeucIIng vou
LIIs semesLer. know vou've uII worked exLremeIv
Iurd und munv oI vou ure oII Lo medIcuI scIooI
uILer summer. So LIuL no one geLs LIeIr GPA messed
up becuuse LIev mIgIL Iuve been ceIebruLIng u bIL
Loo mucI LIIs week, unvone wIo wouId IIke Lo opL
ouL oI LIe IInuI exum Loduv wIII receIve u 'B' Ior LIe
course."

TIere wus mucI rejoIcIng In LIe cIuss us sLudenLs
goL up, wuIked Lo LIe IronL oI LIe cIuss, und Look LIe
proIessor up on IIs oIIer. As LIe IusL Luker IeIL LIe
room, LIe proIessor Iooked ouL over LIe IundIuI oI
remuInIng sLudenLs und usked, "Anvone eIse? TIIs
Is vour IusL cIunce."

One IInuI sLudenL rose up und opLed ouL oI LIe IInuI.

TIe proIessor cIosed LIe door und Look uLLendunce
oI LIose sLudenLs remuInIng.

"'m gIud Lo see vou beIIeve In vourseII," Ie suId.

"You uII geL A's."

=o. Strunded

A rugged IndIvIduuI sLrunded Ior severuI monLIs on
u smuII deserL IsIund In LIe mIddIe oI LIe PucIIIc
Oceun one duv noLIced u boLLIe IvIng In LIe sund
wILI u pIece oI puper In IL. RusIIng Lo LIe boLLIe, Ie
84
puIIed ouL LIe cork und wILI sIukIng Iunds
wILIdrew LIe messuge.

"Due Lo Iuck oI muInLenunce," Ie reud, "we
regreLIuIIv Iuve Iound IL necessurv Lo cunceI vour e-
muII uccounL."

=1. Second Child

WIen our second cIIId wus on LIe wuv, mv wIIe und
uLLended u pre-bIrLI cIuss uImed uL coupIes wIo
Iud uIreudv Iud uL IeusL one cIIId. TIe InsLrucLor
ruIsed LIe Issue oI breukIng LIe news Lo LIe oIder
cIIId. L wenL IIke LIIs:

"Some purenLs," sIe suId, "LeII LIe oIder cIIId, "We
Iove vou so mucI we decIded Lo brIng unoLIer cIIId
InLo LIIs IumIIv." BuL LIInk ubouL LIuL. udIes, wIuL
II vour Iusbund cume Iome one duv und suId,
"Honev, Iove vou so mucI decIded Lo brIng Iome
unoLIer wIIe." One oI LIe women spoke up
ImmedIuLeIv. "Does sIe cook?"

=. WWJ

A mun wuIked InLo u gIIL sIop LIuL soId reIIgIous
ILems. Neur LIe cusI regIsLer Ie suw u dIspIuv oI
cups wILI "WWJD" prInLed on uII oI LIem. He wus
puzzIed over wIuL LIe IeLLers couId meun, buL
couIdn'L IIgure IL ouL, so Ie usked LIe cIerk.

TIe cIerk repIIed LIuL LIe IeLLers sLood Ior "WIuL
WouId Jesus Do", und wus meunL Lo InspIre peopIe
Lo noL muke rusI decIsIons, buL ruLIer Lo ImugIne
wIuL Jesus wouId do In LIe sume sILuuLIon. TIe
mun LIougIL u momenL und LIen repIIed, "WeII, 'm
sure Jesus wouIdn'L puv $1;.= Ior one oI LIese
cups."

=. Hurried Hosbund

"'m sorrv," suId LIe cIerk In IIower sIop, "we don'L
Iuve poLLed gerunIums. CouId vou use AIrIcun
vIoIeLs InsLeud?"

RepIIed LIe cusLomer sudIv, "No, IL wus gerunIums
mv wIIe LoId me Lo wuLer wIIIe sIe wus gone."

=A. Strunuer Thinus Huve Huppened

Two voung men wIo Iud jusL gruduuLed Irom
Hurvurd were excILed und LuIkuLIve ubouL LIeIr
IuLure pIuns us LIev goL InLo u LuxI In downLown
BosLon. AILer IIsLenIng Lo LIem Ior u coupIe oI
mInuLes, LIe cub drIver usked, "Are vou Hurvurd
men?" "Yes SIr! CIuss oI '!" LIev unswered
proudIv. TIe cub drIver exLended IIs Iund buck Lo
sIuke LIeIr Iund suvIng, "CIuss oI '=8."

==. Lonu Tulk

A mun Is gIvIng u speecI uL IIs Iodge meeLIng. He
geLs u bIL currIed uwuv und LuIks Ior Lwo Iours.
InuIIv, Ie reuIIzes wIuL Ie Is doIng und suvs, "'m
sorrv LuIked so Iong. IeIL mv wuLcI uL Iome." A
voIce Irom LIe buck oI LIe room cIIrps, "TIere's u
cuIendur beIInd vou."

=6. Weuvinu

A SLuLe Trooper puIIs u cur over on u IoneIv buck
roud und upproucIes LIe drIver. "Mu'um, Is LIere u
reuson LIuL vou're weuvIng uII over LIe roud?"

TIe womun repIIed, "OI oIIIcer, LIunk goodness
vou're Iere! uImosL Iud un uccIdenL. Iooked up
und LIere wus u Lree rIgIL In IronL oI me. swerved
Lo LIe IeIL, und LIere wus unoLIer Lree In IronL oI
me. swerved Lo LIe rIgIL, und LIere wus unoLIer
Lree In IronL oI me!"

ReucIIng LIrougI LIe sIde wIndow Lo LIe reur vIew
mIrror, LIe oIIIcer repIIed, "Mu'um, LIuL's vour uIr
IresIener."

=. Sund und Stone

TIe sLorv goes LIuL Lwo IrIends were wuIkIng
LIrougI LIe deserL. DurIng some poInL oI LIe
journev LIev Iud un urgumenL, und one IrIend
sIupped LIe oLIer one In LIe Iuce.

TIe one wIo goL sIupped wus IurL, buL wILIouL
suvIng unvLIIng, wroLe In LIe sund: "Toduv mv besL
IrIend sIupped me In LIe Iuce."

TIev kepL on wuIkIng unLII LIev Iound un ousIs,
wIere LIev decIded Lo Luke u buLI. TIe one wIo Iud
been sIupped goL sLuck In LIe mIre und sLurLed
drownIng, buL LIe IrIend suved IIm.

AILer Ie recovered Irom LIe neur drownIng, Ie
wroLe on u sLone: "Toduv mv besL IrIend suved mv
IIIe."
85
TIe IrIend wIo Iud sIupped und suved IIs besL
IrIend usked IIm, "AILer IurL vou, vou wroLe In
LIe sund und now vou wrILe on u sLone. WIv?"

TIe oLIer IrIend repIIed: "WIen someone IurLs us
we sIouId wrILe IL down In sund wIere wInds oI
IorgIveness cun eruse IL uwuv. BuL wIen someone
does someLIIng good Ior us, we musL engruve IL In
sLone wIere no wInd cun ever eruse IL."

=S. License To...

DurIng u counLv-wIde drIve Lo round up uII
unIIcensed dogs, u puLroImun sIgnuIs u cur Lo puII
over Lo LIe curb. WIen LIe drIver usks wIv Ie Ius
been sLopped, LIe oIIIcer poInLs Lo LIe bIg dog
sILLIng on LIe seuL besIde IIm.

"Does vour dog Iuve u IIcense?" Ie usked.

"OI, no," LIe mun suId, "He doesn'L need one.
uIwuvs do LIe drIvIng."

=n. One Heckovu Memory

Two men were downLown In u smuII OkIuIomu Lown
one SuLurduv mornIng, und us LIev were wuIkIng
uIong, one oI LIem usked LIe oLIer, "Joe, do vou see
LIuL oId ndIun comIng Lowurd us?"

Joe suId, "Yes, see IIm."

HIs IrIend suId LIuL oId ndIun Ius LIe besL memorv
In LIe worId, Ie never IorgeLs unvLIIng.

Joe suId, "Aw, don'L beIIeve LIuL."

HIs IrIend LoId IIm, "WIen Ie geLs up Lo us, usk
IIm wIuL Ie Iud Ior breukIusL IusL Wednesduv."

So wIen LIe oId ndIun goL neur LIem on LIe
sIdewuIk, und Joe usked, "Hev oId mun, wIuL dId
vou Iuve Ior breukIusL IusL Wednesduv?"

TIe oId ndIun ImmedIuLeIv suId, "Eggs."

Joe's IrIend suId, "See wIuL meun? He never
IorgeLs unvLIIng."

Joe suId, "Aw Ieck, LIuL doesn'L prove unvLIIng. He
probubIv Ius eggs everv mornIng Ior breukIusL."
A coupIe oI weeks IuLer, Joe's compunv LrunsIerred
IIm Lo unoLIer sLuLe, und Ie dId noL geL buck Iome
Ior 1= veurs. TIen, Ie wus LrunsIerred buck Lo IIs
Iome Lown. A coupIe oI duvs uILer Ie goL buck, Ie
wus downLown und wIo sIouId Ie see wuIkIng
Lowurd IIm, buL LIe oId ndIun. TIe oId ndIun sLIII
Iooked LIe sume us Ie dId 1= veurs ugo wIen Joe
IusL suw IIm.

Joe remembered wIuL IIs IrIend Iud suId ubouL LIe
oId ndIun never IorgeLLIng unvLIIng, so wIen LIe
oId ndIun goL cIose Lo IIm, Joe LIrew up IIs Iund
In LIe LvpIcuI ndIun greeLIng und suId, "How,
CIIeI."

TIe oId ndIun Iooked uL Joe und suId, "ScrumbIed."

6o. Help

Mv IrIend wus on duLv In LIe muIn Iub on u quIeL
uILernoon. He' noLIced u voung womun sILLIng In
IronL oI one oI LIe worksLuLIons wILI Ier urms
crossed ucross Ier cIesL, sLurIng uL LIe screen.

AILer ubouL 1= mInuLes, Ie noLIced LIuL sIe wus sLIII
In LIe sume posILIon, onIv now sIe wus ImpuLIenLIv
LuppIng Ier IooL.

He usked II sIe needed IeIp, und sIe repIIed "L's
ubouL' LIme! pressed LIe 1 buLLon over zo
mInuLes ugo!"

61. The Price oI Love

A Iudv enLered LIe IronL door oI LIe cILv's IrsL
PresbvLerIun CIurcI. SIe proceeded Lo LIe pusLor's
sLudv und knocked on LIe door. TIe pusLor opened
LIe door und InvILed Ier InsIde IIs oIIIce. He
noLIced sIe Iud been crvIng und usked II Ie muv
IeIp Ier. TIe Iudv expIuIned LIuL Ier precIous IILLIe
dog Iud dIed - one LIuL Iud been Ier cIosesL IrIend
Ior 1z veurs. SIe IurLIer expIuIned LIuL sIe Iud
pIunned u IuneruI Ior Ier IILLIe peL und wunLed Lo
know II Ie wouId come gIve u Iew remurks uL LIe
IuneruI.

TIe mInIsLer cIeured Is LIrouL und suId, "WeII
Mudum, LIuL Is u bIL unusuuI. SInce Iuve never
done LIuL beIore, suppose vou go down u bIock Lo
LIe BupLIsL CIurcI und usk LIuL mInIsLer II Ie
wouId IuIIIII vour requesL."
86
TIe Iudv ugreed, LIunked IIm und suId, "Bv LIe
wuv, pIun on puvIng $=oo Ior LIe servIce. Do vou
LIInk LIuL wouId be enougI?" TIe mInIsLer quIckIv
Lurned und suId, "udv, dIdn'L know vour IILLIe dog
wus PresbvLerIun."

6. Cookinu

A IousewIIe In TIbeL smeIIed someLIIng burnIng In
LIe kILcIen. WIen sIe rusIed In und suw smoke
pourIng ouL oI LIe oven, sIe crIed ouL, "OI, mv
bukIng vuk!"

6. GolI Qoestions

" jusL don'L undersLund LIe uLLrucLIon goII IoIds
Ior men," suId JIII Lo Ier IrIend Susun.

"TeII me ubouL IL!" repIIed Susun. " wenL goIIIng
wILI mv Iusbund one LIme, und Ie LoId me usked
Loo munv quesLIons!"

"WeII," suId JIII, "'m sure vou were jusL LrvIng Lo
undersLund LIe gume. WIuL quesLIons dId vou usk?"

Susun expIuIned, "WeII, LIougIL usked IegILImuLe
quesLIons... IIke 'WIv dId vou IIL LIe buII InLo LIuL
Iuke?'"

6A. Psychic

A womun wenL Lo LIe IocuI psvcIIc In Iopes oI
conLucLIng Ier deurIv depurLed grundmoLIer. TIe
psvcIIc's eveIIds begIn IIuLLerIng und sIe begIns
mounIng. EvenLuuIIv, u voIce comes, suvIng,

"GrundduugILer? Are vou LIere?"

TIe grundduugILer, wIde-eved responds,

"Grundmu? s LIuL vou?"

"Yes grundduugILer, IL's me."
"L's reuIIv vou, Grundmu?" LIe womun repeuLs.

"Yes, IL's reuIIv me, grundduugILer."

TIe womun puuses u momenL,

"Grundmu, Iuve jusL one quesLIon Ior vou."

"AnvLIIng, mv cIIId."
"WIen dId vou Ieurn Lo speuk EngIIsI?"

6=. Be Reul

TIe boss reLurned Irom IuncI In u good mood und
cuIIed LIe wIoIe sLuII In Lo IIsLen Lo u coupIe oI
jokes Ie Iud pIcked up. Evervbodv, buL one gIrI
IuugIed uprourIousIv.

"WIuL's LIe muLLer?" grumbIed LIe boss. "Huven'L
vou goL u sense oI Iumor?"

" don'L Iuve Lo IuugI," sIe repIIed. "'m IeuvIng
rIduv."

66. Blond Solotion

A bIond womun wus IuvIng IInuncIuI LroubIes so
sIe decIded Lo kIdnup u cIIId und demund u
runsom. SIe wenL Lo u IocuI purk, grubbed u IILLIe
bov, Look IIm beIInd u Lree und wroLe LIIs noLe: "
Iuve kIdnupped vour cIIId. um sorrv Lo do LIIs buL
need LIe monev. euve $1o,ooo In u pIuIn brown
bug beIInd LIe bIg ouk Lree In LIe purk uL ; u.m.
Lomorrow. SIgned, 'TIe BIond.'"

SIe pInned LIe noLe InsIde LIe IILLIe bov's juckeL
und LoId IIm Lo go sLruIgIL Iome. TIe nexL
mornIng, sIe reLurned Lo LIe purk Lo IInd LIe
$1o,ooo In u brown bug beIInd LIe bIg ouk Lree,
jusL us sIe Iud InsLrucLed.

nsIde LIe bug wus LIe IoIIowIng noLe: "Here Is vour
monev. cunnoL beIIeve LIuL one bIond wouId do
LIIs Lo unoLIer."

6. Bosiness School Grudoute

resI ouL oI busIness scIooI, LIe voung mun
unswered u wunL ud Ior un uccounLunL. He wus
InLervIewed bv u verv nervous mun wIo run u smuII
busIness LIuL Ie Iud sLurLed IImseII.

" need someone wILI un uccounLIng degree," LIe
mun suId. "BuL muInIv, 'm IookIng Ior someone Lo
do mv worrvIng Ior me." "Excuse me?" LIe
uccounLunL suId.

" worrv ubouL u IoL oI LIIngs," LIe mun suId. "BuL
don'L wunL Lo Iuve Lo worrv ubouL monev. Your job
wIII be Lo Luke uII LIe monev worrIes oII mv buck."
87
" see," LIe uccounLunL suId. "And Iow mucI does
LIe job puv?"

"'II sLurL vou uL $8o,ooo."

"$8o,ooo!" LIe uccounLunL excIuImed. "How cun
sucI u smuII busIness uIIord u sum IIke LIuL?"

"TIuL," LIe owner suId, "Is vour IIrsL worrv."

6S. Good cheI!

TIe cusLomer In LIe LuIIun resLuurunL wus so
pIeused LIuL Ie usked Lo speuk Lo LIe cIeI. TIe
owner proudIv Ied IIm InLo LIe kILcIen und
InLroduced IIm Lo LIe cIeI.

"Your veuI purmIgIunu wus superb," LIe cusLomer
suId. " jusL spenL u monLI In LuIv, und vours Is
beLLer LIun unv ever Iud over LIere."

"NuLuruIIv," LIe cIeI suId. "Over LIere, LIev use
domesLIc cIeese. Ours Is ImporLed."

6n. Nupu Vulley Sonduy river

TIe Pope Ius jusL IInIsIed u Lour oI Nupu VuIIev
und Is LukIng u IImousIne Lo Sun runcIsco. HuvIng
never drIven u IImo, LIe Pope usks LIe cIuuIIeur II
Ie mIgIL drIve Ior u wIIIe. WeII, LIe cIuuIIeur
doesn'L Iuve mucI cIoIce, so Ie cIImbs In LIe buck
oI LIe IImo und LIe Pope Lukes LIe wIeeI.

TIe Pope proceeds down SIIverudo, und sLurLs
ucceIeruLIng Lo see wIuL LIe IImo cun do. He geLs Lo
ubouL o mpI, und suddenIv Ie sees LIe red und
bIue IIgILs oI u CHP cruIser In IIs mIrror. He puIIs
over und LIe Lrooper comes Lo IIs wIndow.

TIe Lrooper, seeIng wIo IL Is, suvs, "JusL u momenL
pIeuse, need Lo cuII In." TIe Lrooper cuIIs In und
usks Ior LIe CIIeI. He LeIIs LIe CIIeI LIuL Ie's goL u
REAY ImporLunL person puIIed over, und usks
Iow Lo IundIe IL.

"L's noL Ted Kennedv uguIn, Is IL?" usks LIe CIIeI.

"No SIr!" repIIes LIe Lrooper, "TIIs guv's more
ImporLunL."

"s IL LIe governor?"
"No! Even more ImporLunL!"

"s IL LIe PRESDENT?"

"No! Even more ImporLunL!"

"WeII, WHO THE HECK Is IL?" screums LIe CIIeI.

" don'L know, SIr," repIIes LIe Lrooper, "BuL Ie's
goL LIe Pope us IIs cIuuIIeur!

o. The Lomberjuck...

A Iurge, weII esLubIIsIed CunudIun Iumber cump
udverLIsed LIuL IL wus IookIng Ior u good
Iumberjuck.

TIe verv nexL duv, u skInnv IILLIe guv sIowed up uL
LIe cump wILI IIs uxe, und knocked on LIe Ieud
Iumberjuck's door. TIe Ieud Iumberjuck Look one
Iook uL LIe IILLIe mun und LoId IIm Lo scrum.

"JusL gIve me u cIunce Lo sIow vou wIuL cun do,"
suId LIe skInnv mun. "Okuv, see LIuL gIunL redwood
over LIere?" suId LIe Iumberjuck. "Tuke vour uxe
und go cuL IL down!"

TIe skInnv mun Ieuded Ior LIe Lree, und In IIve
mInuLes Ie wus buck knockIng on LIe Iumberjuck's
door. " cuL LIe Lree down," suId LIe IILLIe mun.

TIe Iumberjuck couIdn'L beIIeve IIs eves und suId,
"WIere dId vou geL LIe skIII Lo cIop down Lrees IIke
LIuL?"

"n LIe SuIuru oresL," repIIed LIe punv mun.

"You meun LIe SuIuru DeserL," suId LIe Iumberjuck.

TIe IILLIe mun IuugIed und unswered buck... "OI
sure, LIuL's wIuL LIev cuII IL now!"

1. Buuuud News

DocLor: Iuve good news und bud news.

PuLIenL: Go wILI LIe good news IIrsL.
DocLor: You Iuve zq Iours Lo IIve.

PuLIenL: WIuL!?! How ubouL LIe bud news?
DocLor: Um... IorgoL Lo LeII vou vesLerduv.
88
. Senioritis

A group oI senIors wus sILLIng uround LuIkIng ubouL
uII LIeIr uIImenLs:

"Mv urms Iuve goLLen so weuk LIuL cun IurdIv IIIL
LIIs cup oI coIIee," suId one.

"Yes, know," suId unoLIer. "Mv cuLurucLs ure so
bud LIuL cun IurdIv see mv coIIee cup."

" couIdn'L even puncI ouL LIe cIud uL eIecLIon LIme
becuuse mv Iunds ure so crIppIed," voIunLeered u
LIIrd.

"WIuL? Speuk up! WIuL? cun'L Ieur vou!" usked
LIe IourLI.

" cun'L Lurn mv Ieud becuuse oI LIe urLIrILIs In mv
neck," suId u IIILI, Lo wIIcI severuI nodded weukIv
In ugreemenL.

"Mv bIood pressure pIIIs muke me so dIzzv cun
IurdIv wuIk!" excIuImed unoLIer.

" IorgeL wIere um und wIere 'm goIng," suId
unoLIer.

" guess LIuL's LIe prIce we puv Ior geLLIng oId,"
wInced un oId mun us Ie sIowIv sIook IIs Ieud. TIe
oLIers nodded In ugreemenL. "WeII, counL vour
bIessIngs," suId one womun cIeerIuIIv. "TIunk God
we cun uII sLIII drIve"

. The Oldest ProIession

A docLor, un engIneer, und u poIILIcIun were urguIng
us Lo wIIcI proIessIon wus oIder.

"WeII," urgued LIe docLor, "wILIouL u pIvsIcIun
munkInd couId noL Iuve survIved, so um sure LIuL
mIne Is LIe oIdesL proIessIon."

"No," suId LIe engIneer, "beIore IIIe begun LIere
wus compIeLe cIuos, und IL Look un engIneer Lo
creuLe some sembIunce oI order Irom LIIs cIuos. So
engIneerIng Is oIder."

"BuL," cIIrped LIe LrIumpIunL poIILIcIun, "wIo
creuLed LIe cIuos?"
A. Groonds Ior ivorce

A womun goes Lo see u Iuwver und usks IIm Lo geL
Ier u dIvorce. "RIgIL," Ie suvs, "Iuve vou goL
grounds?" und sIe suvs, "Yes, we Iuve ubouL IuII un
ucre."

So LIe Iuwver suvs "AI. WeII, do vou Iuve u
grudge?"

And sIe suvs "No, we buIIL u curporL InsLeud."

And LIe Iuwver LrIes uguIn: "Does vou Iusbund beuL
vou up?"

"No" sIe suvs "'m uIwuvs ouL oI bed IIrsL."

TIe Iuwver Ioses puLIence und sIouLs uL Ier "PIeuse
LeII me, wIv do vou wunL u dIvorce?"

And sIe suvs...

"Becuuse mv Iusbund doesn'L undersLund me!"

=. Soothern Sense

du Mue pussed uwuv und Bubbu cuIIed 11. TIe
11-operuLor LoId Bubbu LIuL sIe wouId send
someone ouL rIgIL uwuv.

"WIere do vou IIve?" usked LIe operuLor.

Bubbu repIIed, "AL LIe end oI EucuIvpLus DrIve."

TIe operuLor usked, "Cun vou speII LIuL Ior me?"

AILer u Iong puuse, Bubbu suId, "How 'bouL drug
Ier over Lo Ouk SLreeL und vou pIck Ier up LIere?"

6. NASA's Messuue

WIen NASA wus prepurIng Ior LIe ApoIIo ProjecL, IL
Look LIe usLronuuLs Lo u Nuvujo reservuLIon In
ArIzonu Ior LruInIng.

One duv, u Nuvujo eIder und IIs son cume ucross
LIe spuce crew wuIkIng umong LIe rocks. TIe eIder,
wIo spoke onIv Nuvujo, usked u quesLIon. HIs son
LrunsIuLed Ior LIe NASA peopIe: "WIuL ure LIese
guvs In LIe bIg suILs doIng?" One oI LIe usLronuuLs
suId LIuL LIev were prucLIcIng Ior u LrIp Lo LIe
moon.
89
WIen IIs son reIuved LIIs commenL, LIe Nuvujo
eIder goL uII excILed und usked II IL wouId be
possIbIe Lo gIve Lo LIe usLronuuLs u messuge Lo
deIIver Lo LIe moon. RecognIzIng u promoLIonuI
opporLunILv wIen Ie suw one, u NASA oIIIcIuI
uccompunvIng LIe usLronuuLs suId, "WIv cerLuInIv!"
und LoId un underIIng Lo geL u Lupe recorder. TIe
Nuvujo eIder's commenLs InLo LIe mIcropIone were
brIeI. TIe NASA oIIIcIuI usked LIe son II Ie wouId
LrunsIuLe wIuL IIs IuLIer Iud suId.

TIe son IIsLened Lo LIe recordIng und IuugIed
uprourIousIv. BuL Ie reIused Lo LrunsIuLe. So LIe
NASA peopIe Look LIe Lupe Lo u neurbv Nuvujo
vIIIuge und pIuved IL Ior oLIer members oI LIe LrIbe.
TIev Loo IuugIed Iong und IoudIv buL uIso reIused
Lo LrunsIuLe LIe eIder's messuge Lo LIe moon.

InuIIv, un oIIIcIuI governmenL LrunsIuLor wus
summoned. AILer Ie IInuIIv sLopped IuugIIng, LIe
LrunsIuLor reIuved LIe messuge: "WuLcI ouL Ior
LIese guvs. TIev Iuve come Lo sLeuI vour Iund."

. Vuriety Is the Spice OI LiIe

"Young mun, do vou LIInk vou cun IundIe u vurIeLv
oI work?"

" ougIL Lo be ubIe Lo. 've Iud Len dIIIerenL jobs In
Iour monLIs."

S. yinu Reqoest

TIree IrIends dIe In u cur crusI, und LIev IInd
LIemseIves uL LIe GuLes oI Heuven. BeIore enLerIng,
LIev ure eucI usked u quesLIon bv SL. PeLer IImseII
"WIen vou ure In vour cuskeL und IrIends und
IumIIv ure mournIng upon vou, wIuL vou wouId IIke
Lo Ieur LIem suv ubouL vou?" usks SL. PeLer. TIe
IIrsL guv suvs, " wouId IIke Lo Ieur LIem suv LIuL
wus u greuL docLor und u greuL IumIIv mun."

TIe second guv suvs, " wouId IIke Lo Ieur LIuL
wus u wonderIuI Iusbund und scIooI LeucIer wIo
mude u Iuge dIIIerence In our cIIIdren."

TIe IusL guv repIIes. " wouId IIke Lo Ieur LIem
suv.... OOK!!! HE'S MOVNG!!!!!"
n. Gutes ut the Gutes

BIII GuLes dIes und Is uL LIe peurIv guLes LuIkIng
wILI SuInL PeLer. SuInL PeLer suvs, "BIII, vou've done
some wonderIuI LIIngs In vour IIIe und Iuve eurned
LIe rIgIL Lo cIoose wIere vou'II spend LIe resL oI
eLernILv. You cun cIoose beLween Heuven or HeII,
buL cIoose wIseIv."

BIII Iooks over SuInL PeLer's sIouIder beLween LIe
peurIv guLes und sees noLIIng buL u IusI green
meudow. DecIdIng Lo Ieed SuInL PeLer's words, BIII
usks II Ie couId Luke u Iook uL HeII. SuInL PeLer
ugrees und sends BIII Lo HeII.

TIe DevII greeLs BIII uL LIe guLes oI HeII und Ie Is
ImmedIuLeIv Luken ubuck. MucI Lo IIs surprIse,
LIere's one Ieck oI u purLv goIng on. PeopIe ure
duncIng, LIe uIcoIoI Is IIowIng, musIc Is non-sLop
und evervone Is IuvIng u bIusL.

BIII reLurns Lo Heuven Lo uguIn dIscuss IIs decIsIon
wILI SuInL PeLer. He uguIn Iooks over SuInL PeLer's
sIouIder und sees onIv u IusI green meudow. BIII
suvs Lo SuInL PeLer, "'ve puL u IoL oI LIougIL InLo
LIIs decIsIon und IL muv sound IooIIsI, buL 'd IIke
Lo spend LIe resL oI eLernILv In HeII." SuInL PeLer
IuIIIIIs BIII's requesL und reLurns IIm Lo HeII.

WIen BIII geLs buck Lo HeII LIere's been u bIg
cIunge. PeopIe ure wrILIIng In ugonv, IIumes ure
burnIng, und mouns oI puIn und despuIr ure
evervwIere. BIII, beIng quILe sIocked uL LIe sIgIL
usks LIe DevII, "WIuL Iuppened?? wus jusL down
Iere u IILLIe wIIIe ugo und evervone wus IuvIng u
greuL LIme!"

TIe DevII suvs, "OI LIuL... TIuL wus jusL LIe demo!"

So. Never Lnderestimute the Power oI u
Womun...u clussic

TIere were 11 peopIe (1o men und 1 womun)
IungIng onLo u rope LIuL cume down Irom u
IeIIcopLer. TIe rope wus sLurLIng Lo Iruv so IL wus
ugreed LIuL one person sIouId IeL go; II noL, LIen
LIe rope wouId breuk und evervone wouId dIe.

No one couId decIde wIo sIouId IeL go. So IInuIIv,
LIe womun guve u reuIIv LoucIIng speecI. SIe suId
sIe wouId gIve up Ier IIIe Lo suve LIeIrs becuuse
women were used Lo gIvIng up LIIngs Ior LIeIr
90
Iusbunds und cIIIdren und sInce men were LIe
superIor sex, LIev musL be suved.

WIen sIe IInIsIed speukIng, uII oI LIe men cIupped.

S1. Whutever Yoo Like

A Iurmer wus IuuIIng munure, und Ie Iuppened bv
u senIor cILIzen's Iome. One oI LIe eIderIv resIdenLs
on LIe porcI IoIIered, "Sonnv, wIuL ure vou goIng
Lo do wILI LIuL munure?"

TIe Iurmer repIIed, 'm goIng Lo puL IL on mv
sLruwberrIes."

TIe oId mun suId, "WeII, Sonnv, LIen vou sIouId
euL Iere. Around Iere, we puL wIIpped creum on
our sLruwberrIes!"

S. A CureIree rive

MubIe wus drIvIng Murge Lo LIe weekIv uILernoon
bIngo. L wus u wurm, sunnv duv wILI LIe rudIo
pIuvIng, us LIe Lwo oI LIem were quIeLIv enjovIng
LIeIr drIve. Murge wus sIocked wIen MubIe drove
LIrougI Ier IIrsL red IIgIL, buL sIe dIdn'L suv
unvLIIng. TIen Murge grIpped Ier seuL, wIen
MubIe pussed LIrougI Ier second red IIgIL. Murge
LIougIL sIe sIouId suv someLIIng, buL dIdn'L. SIe
LIougIL II MubIe drIves LIrougI unoLIer one, sIe
wIII mosL cerLuInIv speuk up. Sure enougI, MubIe
drove LIrougI unoLIer red IIgIL.

Murge screumed ouL "MubIe wIuL ure vou doIng?"
"TIuL's LIe LIIrd red IIgIL vou drIven LIrougI!"

MubIe repIIed, "Am drIvIng?"

S. Ilyinu Lessons

EurIv In mv IIvIng cureer, Iud mv IIrsL nIgIL IIIgIL.
ookIng down InLo LIe durkness, usked mv
InsLrucLor wIuL we wouId do II LIe engIne IuIIed.

"GeLs LIe pIune gIIdIng In u conLroIIed descenL," Ie
suId, "LIen uLLempL Lo resLurL LIe engIne und muke u
'Muvduv' cuII. TIe onIv dIIIerence beLween duv und
nIgIL IIvIng Is LIuL LIe LerruIn beIow wIII noL be
cIeurIv vIsIbIe, so vou sIouId poInL LIe uIrcruIL
Lowurd wIuLever Iooks IIke u cIeur ureu und IL
sIouId be poInLIng InLo LIe wInd."
"TIen wIuL?" usked.

"Conserve vour buLLerv, so don'L Lurn on vour
IundIng IIgILs unLII vou're cIose Lo LIe ground. I
vou IIke wIuL vou see, Iund."

"Okuv, buL wIuL II don'L IIke wIuL see?"

Mv InsLrucLor guve me u compussIonuLe Iook InsIde
LIuL dIm cockpIL, LIen suId soILIv, "Turn oII LIe
IundIng IIgILs."

SA. One oI LiIe's Iternul Qoestions

A mun Is wuIkIng uIone In LIe IoresL LuIkIng Lo
IImseII.

HIs wIIe Is noL LIere Lo Ieur.

s evervLIIng Ie suvs sLIII wrong?

S=. The Anury Cleruymun

A cIergvmun wuIkIng down u counLrv Iune sees u
voung Iurmer sLruggIIng Lo Ioud Iuv buck onLo u
curL uILer IL Iud IuIIen oII. "You Iook IoL, mv son,"
suId LIe cIerIc. "WIv don'L vou resL u momenL, und
'II gIve vou u Iund."

"No LIunks," suId LIe voung mun. "Mv IuLIer
wouIdn'L IIke IL."

"Don'L be sIIIv," LIe mInIsLer suId. "Evervone Is
enLILIed Lo u breuk. Come und Iuve u drInk oI
wuLer."

AguIn LIe voung mun proLesLed LIuL IIs IuLIer
wouId be upseL. osIng IIs puLIence, LIe cIergvmun
suId, "Your IuLIer musL be u reuI LvrunL. TeII me
wIere cun IInd IIm, und 'II gIve IIm u pIece oI mv
mInd!"

"WeII," repIIed LIe voung Iurmer, "Ie's under LIe
Ioud oI Iuv."

S6. The Priest und the Politiciun

A purIsI prIesL wus beIng Ionored uL u dInner on
LIe LwenLv-IIILI unnIversurv oI IIs urrIvuI In LIuL
purIsI. A IeudIng IocuI poIILIcIun, wIo wus u
member oI LIe congreguLIon, wus cIosen Lo muke
LIe presenLuLIon und gIve u IILLIe speecI uL LIe
91
dInner, buL Ie wus deIuved In LruIIIc, so LIe prIesL
decIded Lo suv IIs own Iew words wIIIe LIev wuILed.

"You wIII undersLund," Ie suId, "LIe seuI oI LIe
conIessIonuI, cun never be broken. However, goL
mv IIrsL ImpressIons oI LIe purIsI Irom LIe IIrsL
conIessIon Ieurd Iere. cun onIv IInL vugueIv
ubouL LIIs, buL wIen cume Iere LwenLv-IIve veurs
ugo LIougIL Iud been ussIgned Lo u LerrIbIe
pIuce. TIe verv IIrsL cIup wIo enLered mv
conIessIonuI LoId me Iow Ie Iud sLoIen u LeIevIsIon
seL, und wIen sLopped bv LIe poIIce, Iud uImosL
murdered LIe oIIIcer. urLIer, Ie LoId me Ie Iud
embezzIed monev Irom IIs pIuce oI busIness und
Iud un uIIuIr wILI IIs boss's wIIe. wus uppuIIed.
BuL us LIe

duvs wenL on knew LIuL mv peopIe were noL uII
IIke LIuL, und Iud, Indeed come Lo, u IIne purIsI
IuII oI undersLundIng und IovIng peopIe."

JusL us LIe prIesL IInIsIed IIs LuIk, LIe poIILIcIun
urrIved IuII oI upoIogIes uL beIng IuLe. He
ImmedIuLeIv begun Lo muke LIe presenLuLIon und
gIve IIs LuIk.

"'II never IorgeL LIe IIrsL duv our purIsI prIesL
urrIved In LIIs purIsI," suId LIe poIILIcIun. "n IucL,
Iud LIe Ionor oI beIng LIe IIrsL one Lo go Lo IIm
In conIessIon."

S. Whut Time Is It?

On some uIr buses, LIe mIIILurv Is on one sIde oI LIe
IIeId und cIvIIIun uIrcruIL use LIe oLIer sIde oI LIe
IIeId, wILI LIe conLroI Lower In LIe mIddIe. One duv,
on jusL sucI u IIeId, LIe Lower receIved u cuII Irom
un uIrcruIL uskIng, "WIuL LIme Is IL?"

TIe Lower responded, "WIo Is cuIIIng?"

TIe uIrcruIL repIIed, "WIuL dIIIerence does IL
muke?"

TIe Lower repIIed, "L mukes u IoL oI dIIIerence. I
vou ure u commercIuI uIrIInes IIIgIL, IL Is o'cIock.
I vou ure un AIr orce uIrcruIL, IL Is 1=oo Iours. I
vou ure u Nuvv uIrcruIL, IL Is 6 beIIs. I vou ure un
Armv uIrcruIL, LIe bIg Iund Is on LIe 1z und LIe
IILLIe Iund Is on LIe . I vou ure u MurIne Corps
uIrcruIL, IL's TIursduv uILernoon. I vou ure In LIe
NuLIonuI Guurd, IL's sLIII u coupIe oI Iours unLII
quILLIng LIme."

SS. Bobbu 1o1

Bubbu wus AIubumu's sLur IInemun. He wus greuL uL
IooLbuII, buL noL uL ucudemIcs. TIe prIncIpuI wus
IeLLIng IL sIIde unLII one duv Ie decIded LIuL Bubbu's
grudes HAD Lo be beLLer. TIev decIded Lo muke IIm
Luke u LesL. L wus onIv one muLI probIem. Evervone
wunLed Lo supporL Bubbu ouL In LIe sLunds, so LIev
IeId LIe LesL In LIe mIddIe oI LIe IooLbuII sLudIum,
so evervone couId see. HIs muLI LeucIer wenL ouL Lo
LIe cenLer oI LIe IIeId wILI Bubbu. L wus LesL LIme.

TIe LeucIer suId, "Ok, Bubbu. WIuL Is sIx pIus
LIree?"

Bubbu suL und LIougIL. TIen Ie suId, "nIne,"
conIIdenLIv.

BuL ouL In LIe sLunds, evervone wus veIIIng, "Aw,
c'mon. GIve IIm unoLIer cIunce!"

Sn. Jews

A JewIsI IuLIer wus concerned ubouL IIs son wIo
wus ubouL u veur uwuv Irom IIs Bur MILzvuI buL
wus soreIv IuckIng In IIs knowIedge oI LIe JewIsI
IuILI. To remedv LIIs, Ie senL IIs son Lo srueI Lo
experIence IIs IerILuge. A veur IuLer LIe voung mun
reLurned Iome.

"uLIer, LIunk vou Ior sendIng me Lo LIe Iund oI
our uLIers," LIe son suId. "L wus wonderIuI und
enIIgILenIng, Iowever, musL conIess LIuL wIIIe In
srueI converLed Lo CIrIsLIunILv."

"OI vev," repIIed LIe IuLIer, "wIuL Iuve done." So
In LIe LrudILIon oI LIe puLrIurcIs, Ie wenL Lo IIs
besL IrIend und sougIL IIs udvIce und soIuce.

"L Is umuzIng LIuL vou sIouId come Lo me," sLuLed
IIs IrIend, " Loo senL mv son Lo srueI und Ie
reLurned u CIrIsLIun."

So In LIe LrudILIon oI LIe puLrIurcIs LIev wenL Lo
LIe RubbI. "L Is umuzIng LIuL vou sIouId come Lo
me," sLuLed LIe RubbI, " Loo senL mv son Lo srueI
und Ie reLurned u CIrIsLIun. WIuL Is IuppenIng Lo
our sons?"
92
"BroLIers, we musL Luke LIIs Lo LIe ord," suId LIe
RubbI.

TIev IeII Lo LIeIr knees und begun Lo wuII und pour
ouL LIeIr IeurLs Lo LIe AImIgILv. As LIev pruved LIe
cIouds opened und u mIgILv voIce sLuLed, "AmuzIng
LIuL vou sIouId come Lo Me. , Loo, senL Mv Son Lo
srueI..."

no. Shurk!

TIere Is LIIs uLIeIsL swImmIng In LIe oceun. AII oI u
sudden, Ie sees u sIurk In LIe wuLer, so Ie sLurLs
swImmIng IurIousIv Lowurds IIs bouL.

As Ie Iooks buck, Ie sees LIe sIurk Lurn und Ieud
Lowurds IIm. He's scured Lo deuLI, und us Ie sees
LIe juws oI LIe greuL wIILe beusL open, reveuIIng ILs
IorrIIIc LeeLI, LIe uLIeIsL screums, "OI God! Suve
me!"

n un InsLunL, LIme Is Irozen und u brIgIL IIgIL
sIInes down Irom ubove. TIe mun Is moLIonIess In
LIe wuLer wIen Ie Ieurs LIe voIce oI God suv, "You
ure un uLIeIsL. WIv do vou cuII upon me wIen vou
do noL beIIeve In me?"

ConIused, und knowIng Ie cun'L IIe, LIe mun
repIIes, "WeII, LIuL's Lrue don'L beIIeve In vou, buL
Iow ubouL LIe sIurk? Cun vou muke LIe sIurk
beIIeve In vou?"

TIe ord repIIes, "As vou wIsI," und LIe IIgIL
reLrucLs buck InLo LIe Ieuvens. TIe mun IeeIs LIe
wuLer move once uguIn.

As LIe uLIeIsL Iooks buck, Ie cun see LIe juws oI LIe
sIurk sLurL Lo cIose down on IIm, wIen uII oI
sudden LIe sIurk sLops und puIIs buck.

SIocked, LIe mun wuLcIes us LIe Iuge beusL cIoses
ILs eves, bows ILs Ieud und suvs, "TIunk vou ord
Ior LIIs Iood Ior wIIcI um ubouL Lo receIve..."

n1. Word Oriuins

TIe word "vegeLurIun" Is derIved Irom un oId
ndIun word meunIng "bud IunLer!"
n. Indiun Louic

TIe mun wus drIvIng ucross New MexIco wIen Ie
suw un oId ndIun Irom LIe reservuLIon pIoddIng
uIong LIe roud. TIe mun sLopped und usked LIe
ndIun II Ie wunLed u rIde. TIe ndIun cIImbed InLo
LIe veIIcIe und us LIev drove on LIe ndIun usked
LIe drIver wIuL wus In LIe brown puper bug roIIIng
uround on LIe IIoor. TIe drIver suId IL wus u boLLIe
oI wIne Ie goL Ior IIs wIIe. TIe ndIun suId, "Good
Trude"!

n. Coontry rive

An oId mun und IIs wIIe were drIvIng down u
counLrv roud urguIng budIv, LIen LIev were sIIenL
unLII LIe oId mun pussed bv u Hog urm, Ie Iooked
over uL IIs wIIe, und suId ReIuLIves oI vours, sIe
suId no, jusL In-Iuws.

nA. Sospicioos Churucter

AL HeuLIrow AIrporL Loduv, un IndIvIduuI, IuLer
dIscovered Lo be u pubIIc scIooI LeucIer, wus
urresLed LrvIng Lo bourd u IIIgIL wIIIe In possessIon
oI u compuss, u proLrucLor, und u grupIIcuI
cuIcuIuLor.

AuLIorILIes beIIeve Ie Is u member oI LIe noLorIous
AI-Gebru movemenL. He Is beIng cIurged wILI
currvIng weupons oI muLI InsLrucLIon.

n=. The Grievinu Blond

One duv u bIond wus crvIng Ier eves ouL, u neIgIbor
cume over und LrIed Lo comIorL Ier. WIen LIe bIond
IInuIIv cuImed down, LIe neIgIbor usked, "WIuL Is
LIe muLLer?"

"Mv moLIer dIed." LIe bIond sobbed.

TIe nexL duv LIe bIond wus once uguIn crvIng Iurd.
TIe sume neIgIbor uguIn LrIed Lo comIorL LIe
bIond. "So, wIv ure vou crvIng Loduv?" sIe usks.

TIe bIond wIped Ier eves und sobbed. " jusL cuIIed
mv sIsLer, und Ier moLIer dIed Loo!"
93
n6. Blond Ambition

A bIonde gIrI enLers u sLore LIuL seIIs curLuIns. SIe
LeIIs LIe SuIesmun, " wouId IIke Lo buv u pInk
curLuIn Ior mv compuLer screen."

TIe surprIsed suIesmun repIIes: - "BuL mudum,
compuLer screens do noL Iuve curLuIns..."

And LIe bIonde suvs, "HeIIoooo... 've goL
WIndows!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

n. Three Inuineers und u Iuolty Cur

TIere ure LIree engIneers In u cur; un eIecLrIcuI
engIneer, u cIemIcuI engIneer und u MIcrosoIL
engIneer. SuddenIv LIe cur jusL sLops bv LIe sIde oI
LIe roud, und LIe LIree engIneers Iook uL eucI oLIer
wonderIng wIuL couId be wrong.

TIe eIecLrIcuI engIneer suggesLs sLrIppIng down LIe
eIecLronIcs oI LIe cur und LrvIng Lo Lruce wIere u
IuuIL mIgIL Iuve occurred. TIe cIemIcuI engIneer,
noL knowIng mucI ubouL curs, suggesLs LIuL muvbe
LIe IueI Is becomIng emuIsIIIed und geLLIng bIocked
somewIere.

TIen, LIe MIcrosoIL engIneer, noL knowIng mucI
ubouL unvLIIng, comes up wILI u suggesLIon: I we
cIose uII LIe wIndows, geL ouL, geL buck In, LIen
open LIe wIndows uguIn, muvbe IL'II work!?"

nS. Mozurt beyond the Gruve

WIen MozurL pussed uwuv, Ie wus burIed In u
cIurcIvurd. A coupIe duvs IuLer, LIe Lown drunk
wus wuIkIng LIrougI LIe cemeLerv und Ieurd some
sLrunge noIse comIng Irom LIe ureu wIere MozurL
wus burIed.

TerrIIIed, LIe drunk run und goL LIe Lown
mugIsLruLe Lo come und IIsLen Lo IL.

WIen LIe mugIsLruLe urrIved, Ie benL IIs eur Lo LIe
gruve, IIsLened Ior u momenL, und suId, "AI, ves,
LIuL's MozurL's NInLI SvmpIonv, beIng pIuved
buckwurds."

He IIsLened u wIIIe Ionger, und suId, "TIere's LIe
EIgILI SvmpIonv, und IL's buckwurds, Loo. MosL
puzzIIng."
So LIe mugIsLruLe kepL IIsLenIng; "TIere's LIe
SevenLI... LIe SIxLI... LIe IILI..."

SuddenIv LIe reuIIzuLIon oI wIuL wus IuppenIng
duwned on LIe mugIsLruLe; Ie sLood up und
unnounced Lo LIe crowd LIuL Iud guLIered In LIe
cemeLerv, "Mv IeIIow cILIzens, LIere's noLIIng Lo
worrv ubouL. L's jusL MozurL decomposIng."

nn. No ReIonds

"s IL proper Ior u mun Lo proIIL Irom LIe mIsLukes
oI unoLIer?" u purIsIIoner usked IIs mInIsLer.

"DeIInILeIv noL," wus LIe preucIer's unswer.

"Are vou ubsoIuLeIv cerLuIn?"

"Yes, mv son, ubsoIuLeIv."

"n LIuL cuse, wonder II vou wouId mInd reLurnIng
LIuL $z= guve vou uILer mv weddIng IusL veur?"

Aoo. Iuir-Weuthered Ilock

One Sunduv mornIng uL u BupLIsL cIurcI, us LIe
cIoIr IInIsIed LIeIr song und LIe pusLor wus
sLeppIng up Lo LIe puIpIL, Lwo men cIoLIed In bIuck
und weurIng skI-musks rusIed LIrougI LIe door oI
LIe cIurcI IoIdIng up rIIIes und screumIng "I vou
wouId dIe Ior Jesus, sLuv wIere vou ure! And II vou
wouIdn'L und vou don'L wunL us Lo sIooL vou, vou'd
beLLer Ieuve now!" TIere wus u mud rusI Ior LIe
door, und wIen uII Iud exILed; LIere wus onIv u
sLunned pusLor und Lwo members oI LIe
congreguLIon IeIL. TIe gunmen removed LIeIr skI
musks reveuIIng LIemseIves us purIsIIoners, und
suId wILI u IuugI,

"You cun go on wILI vour sermon now, PusLor; uII oI
LIe IvpocrILes ure gone."

Ao1. The New Go-Ier

reddIe wus 18 veurs oId, IrIendIv, und euger Lo do
LIIngs rIgIL. UnIorLunuLeIv, Ie wusn'L especIuIIv
brIgIL. He Iud jusL sLurLed IIs IIrsL job, us u
deIIverv bov und generuI go-Ier uL u IurnILure
wureIouse. HIs IIrsL Lusk wus Lo go ouL Ior coIIee.
94
He wuIked InLo u neurbv coIIee sIop currvIng u
Iurge LIermos. WIen LIe counLermun IInuIIv
noLIced IIm, Ie IeId up LIe LIermos.

"s LIIs bIg enougI Lo IoId sIx cups oI coIIee?" Ie
suId. TIe counLermun Iooked uL LIe LIermos,
IesILuLed Ior u Iew seconds, LIen IInuIIv suId, "YeuI.
L Iooks IIke ubouL sIx cups Lo me."

"Good," reddIe suId. "GIve me Lwo reguIur, Lwo
bIuck, und Lwo decuI."

Ao. irty Sermon?

A IILLIe gIrI wus IIsLenIng Lo u sermon bv u prIesL
"AsIes Lo usIes, dusL Lo dusL...eLc."

AILer LIe sermon LIe IILLIe gIrI cume up Lo LIe prIesL
und usked wIuL IL meunL. "Mv deur uLLenLIve gIrI, IL
meuns we uII come Irom dusL und we uII go Lo dusL."

TIe IILLIe gIrI Iooked verv worrIed now und suId,
"WeII, cun vou come und Iook under mv bed
becuuse LIere's someone eILIer comIng or goIng..."

Ao. A Tule oI Three Pius

BIII CIInLon reLurns Irom u vucuLIon In Arkunsus
und wuIks down LIe sLeps oI AIr orce One wILI Lwo
pIgs under IIs urms.

AL LIe boLLom oI LIe sLeps, LIe Ionor guurdsmun
sLeps Iorwurd und remurks, "NIce pIgs, Mr.
PresIdenL"

CIInLon repIIes, "'II Iuve Lo IeL vou know LIuL LIese
ure genuIne Arkunsus Ruzorbuck Hogs. goL LIIs
one Ior CIeIseu und LIIs one Ior HIIIurv. So, now
wIuL do vou LIInk?"

TIe Ionor guurdsmun unswers: "NIce Lrude, SIr."

AoA. inner with the Boss

A guv IosLed u dInner purLv Ior peopIe Irom work,
IncIudIng IIs boss.

AII durIng LIe sIL-down dInner, LIe IosL's LIree-
veur-oId gIrI sLured uL Ier IuLIer's boss sILLIng
ucross Irom Ier. TIe gIrI couId IurdIv euL Ier Iood
Irom sLurIng.
TIe mun cIecked IIs LIe, IeIL IIs Iuce Ior Iood,
puLLed IIs IuIr In pIuce, buL noLIIng sLopped Ier
Irom sLurIng uL IIm. He LrIed IIs besL Lo jusL Ignore
Ier buL, IInuIIv IL wus Loo mucI Ior IIm.
He usked Ier, "WIv ure vou sLurIng uL me?"

Evervone uL LIe LubIe Iud noLIced Ier beIuvIor und
LIe LubIe wenL quIeL Ior Ier response.

TIe IILLIe gIrI suId, "Mv Duddv suId vou drInk IIke u
IIsI und don'L wunL Lo mIss IL!"

Ao=. Borninu Bosh

G. W. BusI wus verv depressed LIuL peopIe were
suvIng Ie Is sLupId. So Ie cuIIs IIs good IrIend
Queen EIIzubeLI, wIo suvs, "Now George, wIuL vou
need Lo do Is Lo surround vourseII wILI smurL
peopIe. eL me sIow vou."

SIe cuIIs Tonv BIuIr In und usks, "Tonv, vour
purenLs Iud u bubv. L Isn'L vour sIsLer und IL Isn'L
vour broLIer. WIo Is IL?"

Tonv BIuIr repIIes, "L's me!"

So G. W. cuIIs DIck CIenev und suvs, "DIck, vour
purenLs Iud u bubv. L Isn'L vour sIsLer und IL Isn'L
vour broLIer. WIo Is IL?"

And CIenev suvs, "Wow, LIuL's u LougI one. eL me
geL buck Lo vou."

So CIenev cuIIs CoIIn PoweII und suvs, "CoIIn, vour
purenLs Iud u bubv. L Isn'L vour sIsLer und IL Isn'L
vour broLIer. WIo Is IL?"

And CoIIn PoweII suvs, "L's me!"

So CIenev cuIIs BusI und suvs, "L's CoIIn PoweII."

And BusI suvs, "No, vou IdIoL! L's Tonv BIuIr!"

Ao6. Pluyinu Roouh

GIvIng u mun IIs pIvsIcuI, u docLor noLIced severuI
durk, ugIv bruIses on IIs sIIns, so Ie usked, "Do
vou pIuv Iockev, soccer, or unv pIvsIcuI sporL?"

"NoL uL uII. jusL pIuv brIdge wILI mv wIIe."
95
Ao. The Speech

TIe CEO wus scIeduIed Lo speuk uL un ImporLunL
convenLIon so Ie usked one oI IIs empIovees,
JenkIns, Lo wrILe IIm u puncI, zo-mInuLe speecI.
WIen LIe CEO reLurned Irom LIe bIg evenL, Ie wus
IurIous.

"WIuL's LIe Ideu oI wrILIng me un Iour-Iong
speecI?", Ie demunded. "HuII LIe uudIence wuIked
ouL beIore IInIsIed." JenkIns wus buIIIed. " wroLe
vou u zo-mInuLe speecI," Ie repIIed. " uIso guve
vou LIe Lwo exLru copIes vou usked Ior."

AoS. The Ilephunt Whisperer

A curnIvuI, wIIcI IncIuded u IucksLer wILI un
eIepIunL, wus LruveIIng LIrougI u smuII Lown. TIe
IucksLer wus oIIerIng peopIe $1oo II LIev couId
muke LIe eIepIunL nod ILs Ieud up und down. Munv
peopIe LrIed, buL no one wus successIuI. InuIIv, u
smuII quIeL IndIvIduuI uppeured und LImIdIv usked
II Ie couId Lrv.

He prompLIv wuIked uround LIe eIepIunL und guve
IL u good swIIL kIck In LIe bucksIde. TIe eIepIunL
wus so surprIsed; IL jerked ILs Ieud up und down.
TIe IILLIe mun pockeLed IIs $1oo und wuIked uwuv.

TIe IoIIowIng veur, LIe sume curnIvuI reLurned,
wILI LIe sume IucksLer und LIe sume eIepIunL. TIe
IucksLer Iud decIded Lo muke sure Ie wouIdn'L Iose
unv more monev In LIIs Lown, so Ie oIIered $=oo Lo
unvone wIo couId muke LIe eIepIunL nod ILs Ieud
up und down, LIen sIuke IL Irom sIde Lo sIde.

AguIn, munv peopIe LrIed. TIev puIIed LIe
eIepIunL's eurs, puIIed ILs LuII, LIckIed IL, eLc., buL no
one wus successIuI. InuIIv, LIe sume IILLIe mun
uppeured und usked II Ie couId Lrv. TIe IucksLer
wus so sure LIe deed wus ImpossIbIe LIuL Ie reudIIv
ugreed.

TIe IILLIe mun wuIked uround Lo LIe IronL oI LIe
eIepIunL und Iooked IL In LIe eve.

"Do vou remember me?" Ie usked. TIe eIepIunL
vIgorousIv nodded ILs Ieud up und down.

"Do vou wunL me Lo do LIuL uguIn?" Ie usked. TIe
eIepIunL quIckIv sIook ILs Ieud Irom sIde Lo sIde.
TIe IILLIe mun pockeLed IIs $=oo und wuIked uwuv,
smIIIng.

Aon. Mutch Set

A mun wus sIowIng IIs IrIend u new seL oI
muLcIIng goII cIubs Ie Iud jusL bougIL.

"DocLor's orders," LIe mun LoId IIs IrIend. "Mv wIIe
und Iuve been guInIng Loo mucI weIgIL und we
wenL Lo see LIe docLor ubouL IL. He suId we needed
more exercIse, so joIned LIe counLrv cIub und
bougIL mvseII LIIs seL oI goII cIubs."

"WIuL dId vou buv vour wIIe?" LIe IrIend usked.

TIe mun suId, "A new muLcIIng bIcvcIe und Iuwn
mower."

A1o. oll Shoppinu

A mun goes Lo LIe Lov sLore Lo buv IIs duugILer u
bIrLIduv presenL. BeIng u reuI mucIo guv, Ie Ius no
Ideu wIuL Lo geL Ier so Ie usks Ior some ussIsLunce
Irom u cIerk.

" LIougIL 'd buv Ier u doII", Ie suvs, "buL wIIcI
one sIouId geL?"

"WeII, Iere we Iuve some oI LIe more popuIur ones.
we Iuve LIe MuIIbu BurbIe Ior $1z.oo, wIIcI comes
wILI u buLIIng suIL und u LoweI. We Iuve LIe
BuIIerInu BurbIe Ior $z.oo, wIIcI comes wILI u
LuLu und u cusseLLe. We Iuve LIe AerobIcs BurbIe Ior
$o.oo, wIIcI comes wILI u IeoLurd und u workouL
CD. And we Iuve LIe new DIvorce, BurbIe Ior
$1=oo.oo."

TIe mun wus IIubbergusLed. "WIv does LIuL one
cosL so mucI more LIun LIe oLIers?"

"OI weII LIuL's eusv.", repIIed LIe cIerk, "TIIs
BurbIe comes wILI Ken's cur, Ken's bouL, Ken's
Iouse, Ken's..."

A11. Churity

A mun doIng LeIepIone soIIcILuLIons Ior u IocuI
cIurILv cuIIed up u promInenL und weuILIv Iuwver
und usked IIm Ior u modesL donuLIon. TIe Iuwver
becume Incensed uL LIe requesL und suId Lo IIs
cuIIer: " beL vou weren'L uwure LIuL jusL LIIs pusL
96
week mv wIIe requIred mujor surgerv und LIe
expenses Ior LIIs surgerv weren'L covered bv
Insurunce."

TIe cuIIer sLurLed Lo upoIogIze und express IIs
regreL Ior IuvIng usked Ior monev und wus
InLerrupLed bv LIe Iuwver wIo cIImed In, "And LIIs
pusL monLI mv moLIer dIed und mv IumIIv Iud Lo
puL LogeLIer un expensIve IuneruI Ior Ier."

AguIn LIe cuIIer LrIed Lo upoIogIze Lo LIe Iuwver Ior
uLLempLIng Lo soIIcIL u donuLIon und LoId LIe Iuwver
Ie wus sorrv Lo Ieur LIuL IIs moLIer Iud dIed.

"TIen jusL LIIs pusL monLI, one oI mv sons cume
down wILI u serIous IIIness und uImosL dIed.....und
mv duugILer needed pIusLIc surgerv Lo repuIr u
congenILuI deIecL on Ier Iuce," LIe Iuwver udded Lo
LIe conversuLIon.

TIe cuIIer uguIn IeIL bud und regreLLed IuvIng
boLIered LIe Iuwver Ior LukIng up IIs LIme und
upoIogIzed Lo IIm.

TIe Iuwver LIun responded, "And II dIdn'L gIve
unv oI LIese peopIe mv monev, wIv sIouId gIve
some Lo vou."

A1. The Mirror Knows All

TIree women, u bIonde, u bruneLLe und u redIeud,
enLered u room wIere LIev suw u mugIc mIrror. I
vou Iooked InLo LIe mIrror und LoId LIe LruLI, vou
goL u wIsI. I vou LoId u IIe, vou goL sucked InLo LIe
mIrror Ior eLernILv.

TIe redIeud wuIked up Lo LIe mIrror und suId, "
LIInk um LIe mosL beuuLIIuI gIrI In LIe worId." TIe
mIrror sucked Ier up.

TIen, LIe bruneLLe wuIked up Lo LIe mIrror und
suId, " LIInk um LIe mosL beuuLIIuI gIrI In LIe
worId." TIe mIrror sucked Ier up.

NexL, LIe bIonde wuIked up Lo LIe mIrror und suId,
" LIInk", und LIe mIrror quIckIv sucked Ier up.

A1. Smurt Purrot?

Hurrv LIe MugIcIun wus perIormIng on u cruIse sIIp
In LIe CurIbbeun. TIe puv wus Iousv, buL LIe
uudIence cIunged weekIv, so Ie couId do LIe sume
LrIcks over und over. TIere wus jusL one probIem:
TIe cupLuIn's purroL suw LIe sIows everv week und
begun Lo undersLund LIe LrIcks.

So In LIe mIddIe oI LIe sIow, LIe purroL wouId
sIouL: 'ook, IL's noL LIe sume IuL!' 'ook, Ie's
IIdIng LIe IIowers under LIe LubIe!' 'Hev, wIv ure
uII LIe curds LIe Ace oI Spudes?'

Hurrv wus IurIous buL couIdn'L do unvLIIng sInce IL
wus LIe cupLuIn's purroL. Two weeks IuLer, LIe sIIp
sunk. Hurrv suved IImseII bv cIIngIng Lo u pIece oI
wood ... wILI LIe purroL percIed on LIe oLIer end.
MugIcIun und purroL sLured uL eucI oLIer wILI
IuLred Ior severuI duvs, buL dId noL uLLer u sIngIe
word.

AILer u week LIe purroL IInuIIv suId: 'Okuv, gIve
up. WIuL dId vou do wILI LIe bouL?

A1A. Seconds in u Yeur

TIe LeucIer suId, "CIuss, we know LIere ure 6o
seconds In u mInuLe, 6o mInuLes In un Iour, zq
Iours In u duv, und 6= duvs In u veur. Now, wIo
cun LeII me Iow munv seconds LIere ure In u veur?"

TIe cIuss Iooked verv buIIIed bv LIe quesLIon,
excepL Ior BIIIv, wIo ruIsed IIs Iund und wuved IL
excILedIv.

"Ok, BIIIv, LeII me Iow munv seconds LIere ure In u
veur," LIe LeucIer suId.

"TIere ure LweIve seconds In u veur," excIuImed
BIIIv.

"TweIve? PIeuse expIuIn Iow on eurLI vou cume up
wILI LIuL number," LIe LeucIer suId.

"WeII," expIuIned BIIIv, "LIere's Junuurv second,
ebruurv second, MurcI second..."

A1=. Iishinu?

TIIs guv Iud un uwIuI duv IIsIIng on LIe Iuke,
sILLIng In LIe bIuzIng sun uII duv wILIouL cuLcIIng u
sIngIe one. On IIs wuv Iome, Ie sLopped uL LIe
supermurkeL und ordered Iour cuLIIsI.

He LoId LIe IIsI suIesmun, "PIck Iour Iurge ones ouL
und LIrow LIem uL me, wIII vou?"
97
"WIv do vou wunL me Lo LIrow LIem uL vou?"

"Becuuse wunL Lo LeII mv wIIe LIuL cuugIL LIem."

"Okuv, buL suggesL LIuL vou Luke LIe orunge
rougIv."

"BuL wIv?"

"Becuuse vour wIIe cume In eurIIer Loduv und suId
LIuL II vou cume bv, sIouId LeII vou Lo Luke orunge
rougIv. SIe preIers LIuL Ior supper LonIgIL."

A16. Muunu Curtu

A Lour bus Ioud IuII oI noIsv LourIsLs urrIves uL
Runnvmede, EngIund. TIev guLIer uround LIe
guIde wIo suvs, "TIIs Is LIe spoL wIere LIe burons
Iorced KIng JoIn Lo sIgn LIe Mugnu CurLu." A mun
pusIIng IIs wuv Lo LIe IronL oI LIe crowd usks,
"WIen dId LIuL Iuppen?"

"1z1=," unswers LIe guIde.

TIe mun Iooks uL IIs wuLcI und suvs, "SIooL! JusL
mIssed IL bv u IuII Iour!"

A1. Not Lookinu Good

A rIcI mun wus LrvIng Lo IInd IIs duugILer u
bIrLIduv gIIL wIen Ie suw u poor mun wILI u
beuuLIIuI wIILe Iorse. He LoId LIe mun LIuL Ie
wouId gIve IIm $=oo Ior LIe Iorse. TIe poor mun
repIIed, " don'L know mIsLer, IL don'L Iook so good,"
und wuIked uwuv.

TIe nexL duv LIe rIcI mun cume buck und oIIered
LIe poor mun $1ooo Ior LIe Iorse. TIe poor mun
suId, " don'L know mIsLer, IL don'L Iook so good."

On LIe LIIrd duv LIe rIcI mun oIIered LIe poor mun
$zooo Ior LIe Iorse, und suId Ie wouIdn'L Luke no
Ior un unswer. TIe poor mun ugreed, und LIe rIcI
mun Look LIe Iorse Iome.

TIe rIcI mun's duugILer Ioved Ier presenL. SIe
cIImbed onLo LIe Iorse, LIen guIIoped rIgIL InLo u
Lree.

TIe rIcI mun rusIed buck over Lo LIe poor mun's
Iouse, demundIng un expIunuLIon Ior LIe Iorse's
bIIndness.
TIe poor mun repIIed, " LoId vou IL don'L Iook so
good."

A1S. Constroction Linuo

Some men In u pIckup Lruck drove Lo u Iumbervurd.
One oI LIe men wuIked InLo LIe oIIIce und suId, "We
need some Iour-bv-Lwos."

TIe cIerk usked, "You meun Lwo-bv-Iours, don'L
vou?"

TIe mun suId, "'II go cIeck," und wenL buck Lo LIe
Lruck.

He reLurned sIorLIv und suId, "YeuI, meunL Lwo-
bv-Iour."

"AII rIgIL. How Iong do vou need LIem?"

TIe cusLomer puused Ior u momenL und suId, "'d
beLLer go cIeck."

AILer u wIIIe, Ie reLurned Lo LIe oIIIce und suId, "A
Iong LIme. We're gonnu buIId u Iouse."

A1n. This Blonde's No ommy

A venLrIIoquIsL Is sILLIng onsLuge uL u comedv cIub.
He und IIs dummv ure spurLIng ouL reuIIv crude
bIonde jokes, wIen u bIonde Iudv sILLIng In LIe
uudIence sLunds up.

"'m so sIck oI vou peopIe wIo LIInk bIondes ure
sLupId. L's becuuse oI vou LIuL Iuve Iud Lo work
Iurder Lo prove mvseII uL mv job und In LIe
communILv. TIere ure jusL us munv dumb peopIe
wILI red or brown IuIr. TIere ure jusL us munv
smurL peopIe wILI bIonde IuIr."

"GosI, MIss, 'm LerrIbIv sorrv. wus jusL LeIIIng
jokes; dIdn'L meun Lo IurL vour IeeIIngs."

"SIuL up! 'm noL LuIkIng Lo vou. 'm LuIkIng Lo LIuL
IILLIe guv on vour Iup!"

Ao. Second Opinion

PuLIenL Ius u sore LIrouL und goes Lo u docLor.

DocLor: Your LonsIIs goLLu come ouL.
98
PuLIenL: wunnu second opInIon.

DocLor: Okuv, vou're ugIv, Loo.

A1. Locked Oot

A bIonde wuIked InLo u gus sLuLIon und LoId LIe
munuger, " Iocked mv kevs In mv cur, und wus
wonderIng II vou Iud u couL Iunger couId sLIck
LIrougI LIe wIndow und unIock LIe door."

"WIv, sure," suId LIe munuger. "We Iuve someLIIng
LIuL works especIuIIv Ior LIuL."

A coupIe mInuLes IuLer, LIe munuger wuIked ouLsIde
Lo see Iow LIe bIonde wus doIng. He Ieurd unoLIer
voIce suvIng, "No, no, u IILLIe Lo LIe IeIL."

TIe voIce cume Irom LIe oLIer bIonde InsIde LIe
cur!

A. The Looks oI Yoor WiIe

AILer compIeLIng IIs exumInuLIon, LIe docLor Look
Ier Iusbund usIde. " don'L IIke LIe Iooks oI vour
wIIe uL uII."

"Me neILIer, Doc." SuId LIe Iusbund. "BuL sIe's u
good cook und LIe kIds seem Lo IIke Ier."

A. Wuterloo

A mun goes InLo u bur verv LIIrsLv. He sILs down
wuILIng Ior LIe burLender Lo see IIm. TIe mun nexL
Lo IIm cuIIs Ior LIe burLender suvIng, "'II Iuve
unoLIer wuLerIoo."

TIe burLender gIves IIm u LuII Ice coId drInk, und
LIen usks LIe newcomer wIuL Ie wouId IIke Lo
drInk. WunLIng Lo Lrv LIIs new drInk Ie suvs, "'II
Iuve u wuLerIoo Loo."

TIe burLender gIves IIm u LuII Ice coId drInk. He
Lukes u bIg drInk und suvs, "HEY! TIIs Isn'L unv
good. L LusLes jusL IIke wuLer!"

TIe mun nexL Lo IIm Iooks uL LIe burLender und
suvs "WeII, IL Is wuLer...rIgIL ou?"
AA. Luw Clerk

TIe voung cIerk's responsIbIIILIes IncIuded brIngIng
LIe judge u IoL cup oI coIIee uL LIe sLurL oI everv
duv.

EucI mornIng, LIe judge wus enruged LIuL LIe
coIIee cup urrIved Lwo-LIIrds IuII. TIe cIerk
expIuIned LIuL Ie Iud Lo rusI Lo geL LIe coIIee
deIIvered wIIIe IL wus sLIII IoL, wIIcI cuused IIm Lo
spIII mucI oI IL uIong LIe wuv.

None oI LIe judge's veIIIng und InsuILs produced u
IuII cup oI coIIee, unLII Ie IInuIIv LIreuLened Lo cuL
LIe cIerk's puv bv one-LIIrd II Ie conLInued Lo
produce one-LIIrd Iess LIun LIe judge wunLed.

TIe nexL mornIng Ie wus greeLed wILI u cup oI
coIIee LIuL wus IuII Lo LIe brIm, und LIe nexL
mornIng und LIe mornIng uILer LIuL.

TIe judge couIdn'L resIsL gIouLIng over IIs success
und smugIv compIImenLed LIe cIerk on IIs new
LecInIque.

"OI, LIere's noL mucI Lo IL," udmILLed LIe cIerk
IuppIIv, " jusL sIp some coIIee rIgIL ouLsIde LIe
coIIee room, und spIL IL buck In wIen geL ouLsIde
vour oIIIce."

A=. Speciul GiIt

A voung mun, wunLed Lo geL IIs beuuLIIuI wIIe
someLIIng nIce Ior LIeIr IIrsL weddIng unnIversurv.
So, Ie decIdes Lo buv Ier u ceII pIone. SIe Is uII
excILed und sIe Ioves Ier pIone. He sIows Ier und
expIuIns Lo Ier uII LIe IeuLures on LIe pIone.

TIe nexL duv, LIe wIIe goes Lo geL Ier IuIr done.
Her pIone rIngs, und IL's Ier Iusbund. "HI Ion," Ie
suvs, "How do vou IIke vour new pIone?"

" jusL Iove IL! L's so smuII, und vour voIce Is cIeur
us u beII. BuL LIere's one LIIng don'L undersLund.
How dId vou know wus uL LIe beuuLv purIor?"

A6. Two Cunudiun Goys

Two CunudIun guvs, MIke und Rob were on LIe rooI,
IuvIng LIIe, wIen u sudden gusL oI wInd cume und
knocked down LIeIr Iudder.
99
" Iuve un Ideu," suId MIke. "We'II LIrow vou down,
und LIen vou cun pIck up LIe Iudder."

"WIuL, do vou LIInk 'm sLupId? TIuL wouId IurL!
Iuve un Ideu. 'II sIIne mv IIusIIIgIL, und vou cun
cIImb down on LIe beum oI IIgIL."

"WIuL, do vou LIInk 'm sLupId? You'II jusL Lurn oII
LIe IIusIIIgIL wIen 'm IuIIwuv LIere."

A. It's All Aboot Perspective

A Iudv wenL Lo u peL sIop. "'d IIke Lo buv Lwo
veIIow cunurIes," sIe LoId LIe owner.

"Sorrv, Iudv, buL we don'L Iuve unv cunurIes, buL we
Iuve LIese," LIe owner suId, us Ie sIowed LIe Iudv
some puIe green purukeeLs.

"TIuL's noL wIuL 'm IookIng Ior," LIe Iudv sLuLed.
"YeIIow cunurIes."

TIe peL sLore owner reIused Lo gIve up. He suId,
"JusL LIInk oI LIem us veIIow cunurIes LIuL uren'L
quILe rIpe veL."

AS. Swullowed u Pen

An IvsLerIcuI moLIer Is pIonIng LIe IumIIv docLor,
wILI u sorL oI un emergencv.

"DocLor," sIe suvs, " wus wrILIng u IeLLer wIen mv
one-veur oId cume uIong, grubbed mv IounLuIn pen,
und swuIIowed IL. WIuL sIuII do?"

"Don'L punIc, 'II be rIgIL over," suvs LIe Doc. "n
LIe meunLIme, wIuL ure vou doIng?" Ie usked.

"'m usIng u pencII."

An. Lonu uy

A busInessmun Iud u LIrIng duv on LIe roud. He
cIecked InLo u IoLeI und, becuuse Ie wus concerned
LIuL LIe dInIng room mIgIL cIose soon, IeIL IIs
Iugguge uL LIe IronL desk und wenL ImmedIuLeIv Lo
euL.

AILer u IeIsureIv dInner, Ie recIuImed IIs Iugguge
und reuIIzed LIuL Ie Iud IorgoLLen IIs room
number. He wenL buck Lo LIe desk und LoId LIe
cIerk on duLv, "Mv nume Is JoIn SmILI. CouId vou
pIeuse LeII me wIuL room um In?"

"CerLuInIv, sIr," suId LIe cIerk. "You're In LIe
Iobbv."

Ao. See the octor

A psvcIIuLrIsL wus doIng IIs book work, wIen IIs
secreLurv cume bursLIng In Lo IIs oIIIce, veIIIng,
"DocLor! You Iuve Lo IeIp!"

"WIuL's wrong?" Ie usked.

SIe suId, "TIere Is u mun uL mv desk LIuL suvs Ie Is
InvIsIbIe."

TIe docLor suId, "TeII IIm cun'L see IIm now."

A1. Huircot

A pusLor wus preucIIng IIs sermon on u Sunduv
mornIng. DurIng LIe sermon, u mun wuIked ouL.

A Iew duvs IuLer, LIe pusLor wus In WuI-MurL und Ie
meL LIe mun. He usked IIm, "WIv dId vou wuIk ouL
oI LIe ServIce IusL Sunduv?"

TIe mun repIIed," needed u IuIrcuL."

TIe pusLor LIen usked, "WIv dIdn'L vou geL IL
SuLurduv, or beIore LIe servIce?"

TIe mun unswered, " dIdn'L need IL LIen."

A. HelpIol Mom...

TIe worrIed IousewIIe sprung Lo LIe LeIepIone
wIen IL rung und IIsLened wILI reIIeI Lo LIe kIndIv
voIce In Ier eur. "How ure vou, durIIng?" IL suId.
"WIuL kInd oI u duv ure vou IuvIng?"

"OI, moLIer," suId LIe IousewIIe, breukIng InLo
bILLer Leurs, "'ve Iud sucI u bud duv. TIe bubv
won'L euL und LIe wusIIng mucIIne broke down.
Iuven'L Iud u cIunce Lo go sIoppIng, und besIdes,
've jusL spruIned mv unkIe und Iuve Lo IobbIe
uround. On Lop oI LIuL, LIe Iouse Is u mess und 'm
supposed Lo Iuve Lwo coupIes Lo dInner LonIgIL."

TIe moLIer wus sIocked und wus uL once uII
svmpuLIv. "OI, durIIng," sIe suId, "sIL down, reIux,
100
und cIose vour eves. 'II be over In IuII un Iour. 'II
do vour sIoppIng, cIeun up LIe Iouse, und cook
vour dInner Ior vou. 'II Ieed LIe bubv und 'II cuII u
repuIrmun know wIo'II be uL vour Iouse Lo IIx LIe
wusIIng mucIIne prompLIv. Now sLop crvIng. 'II do
evervLIIng. n IucL, 'II even cuII George uL LIe oIIIce
und LeII IIm Ie ougIL Lo come Iome und IeIp ouL
Ior once."

"George?" suId LIe IousewIIe. "WIo's George?"

"WIv, George! Your Iusbund!....s LIIs ===-1;q?

"No, LIIs Is ===-1;=."

"OI, 'm sorrv. guess Iuve LIe wrong number."

TIere wus u sIorL puuse und LIe IousewIIe suId,
"Does LIIs meun vou're noL comIng over?

A. Iirst eul

A reuI esLuLe suIesmun Iud jusL cIosed IIs IIrsL deuI,
onIv Lo dIscover LIuL LIe pIece oI Iund Ie Iud soId
wus compIeLeIv under wuLer.

"TIuL cusLomer's goIng Lo come buck Iere preLLv
mud," Ie suId Lo IIs boss. "SIouId gIve IIm IIs
monev buck?"

"Monev buck?" roured LIe boss. "WIuL kInd oI
suIesmun ure vou? GeL ouL LIere und seII IIm u
IousebouL!"

AA. Adum und Ive

SomeLImes women ure overIv suspIcIous oI LIeIr
Iusbunds...WIen Adum sLuved ouL verv IuLe Ior u
Iew nIgILs, Eve becume upseL.

"You're runnIng uround wILI oLIer women," sIe
LoId Ier muLe.

"Eve, Ionev, vou're beIng unreusonubIe," Adum
responded. "You know vou're LIe onIv womun on
eurLI."

TIe quurreI conLInued unLII Adum IeII usIeep, onIv
Lo be uwukened bv u sLrunge puIn In LIe cIesL. L
wus IIs durIIng Eve pokIng IIm ruLIer vIgorousIv
ubouL LIe Lorso.
"WIuL do vou LIInk vou're doIng?" Adum
demunded.

Eve suId, "CounLIng vour rIbs!"

A=. Childbirth

A bov wus ussIgned u puper on cIIIdbIrLI und usked
IIs purenLs, "How wus born?"

"WeII Ionev..." suId LIe sIIgILIv prudIsI purenL,
"LIe sLork brougIL vou Lo us."

"OI," suId LIe bov. "WeII, Iow dId vou und duddv
geL born?" Ie usked.

"OI, LIe sLork brougIL us Loo."

"WeII Iow were grundpu und grundmu born?" Ie
persIsLed.

"WeII durIIng, LIe sLork brougIL LIem Loo!" suId LIe
purenL, bv now sLurLIng Lo squIrm u IILLIe In LIe
uzv Bov recIIner.

SeveruI duvs IuLer, LIe bov Iunded In IIs puper Lo
LIe LeucIer wIo reud wILI conIusIon LIe openIng
senLence: "TIIs reporL Ius been verv dIIIIcuIL Lo
wrILe due Lo LIe IucL LIuL LIere Iusn'L been u
nuLuruI cIIIdbIrLI In mv IumIIv Ior LIree
generuLIons."

A6. Whut uy Is It?

Over breukIusL one mornIng, u womun suId Lo Ier
Iusbund, " beL vou don'L know wIuL duv LIIs Is."
"OI course do," Ie IndIgnunLIv unswered, goIng
ouL LIe door Lo LIe oIIIce.

AL 1o AM, LIe doorbeII rung, und wIen LIe womun
opened LIe door, sIe wus Iunded u box conLuInIng u
dozen Iong sLemmed red roses. AL 1 PM, u IoII
wrupped, Lwo pound box oI Ier IuvorILe cIocoIuLes
urrIved. uLer, u bouLIque deIIvered u desIgner
dress.

TIe womun couIdn'L wuIL Ior Ier Iusbund Lo come
Iome. "IrsL, LIe IIowers LIen LIe cIocoIuLes, und
LIen LIe dress!" sIe excIuImed. "'ve never Iud u
more wonderIuI GroundIog Duv In uII mv IIIe!"
101
A. Lonch ute

A voung LeucIer wus IecLurIng Ier cIuss on mup
reudIng.

AILer LIorougIIv expIuInIng ubouL IuLILude,
IongILude, degrees und mInuLes, LIe LeucIer usked
RuIpI, "WIuL II usked vou Lo meeL Ior IuncI uL z
degrees, q mInuLes norLI IuLILude und q= degrees,
1= mInuLes eusL IongILude?"

PonderIng LIe quesLIon Ior u Iew momenLs, u verv
conIused RuIpI repIIed, "WeII, guess vou'd be
euLIng uIone!"

AS. Reseurch Indicutes Women Tulk More

Juck wus uIwuvs InsIsLIng Lo IIs wIIe LIuL women
LuIk mucI more LIun men. n order Lo prove IIs
poInL, Ie sIowed Ier u sLudv wIIcI IndIcuLed LIuL,
on uveruge, men use upproxImuLeIv 1oo words per
duv us opposed Lo women, wIo use upproxImuLeIv
z6oo.

HIs wIIe LIougIL ubouL uII oI LIIs Ior u momenL und
LIen repIIed, "TIuL's verv eusv Lo expIuIn. Women
Iuve Lo use LwIce us munv words us men becuuse
women Iuve Lo repeuL evervLIIng LIev suv."

An. Yoor Torn

A Low Lruck drIver wus ouL pIckIng up broken down
curs und Lrucks und LukIng LIem Lo repuIr sIops
wIen LIe dIspuLcIer comes ucross LIe rudIo und
suvs, "We Iuve u LeIepIone empIovee on LIe sIde oI
LIe Ireewuv und wunLs Lo know Iow Iong beIore we
cun geL Lo IIm."

TIe drIver suId, "CuII IIm buck und LeII IIm Lo sLuv
wILI IIs cur und don`L Ieuve. 'II be LIere beLween
und = LonIgIL."

So Ie geLs LIere uL 6:o und suvs, "No Iun, Is IL?"

AAo. Commund

puIIed InLo u crowded purkIng IoL und roIIed down
LIe cur wIndows Lo muke sure mv goIden reLrIever
Iud IresI uIr.
SIe wus sLreLcIed ouL on LIe buck seuL, und
wunLed Lo Impress upon Ier LIuL sIe musL remuIn
LIere.

wuIked Lo LIe curb buckwurd, poInLIng mv IInger
uL LIe cur und suvIng empIuLIcuIIv, "Now vou
sLuv..... Do vou Ieur me?... SLuv!... SLuv!"

TIe drIver oI u neurbv cur, perIups noLIng LIuL um
u bIonde, guve me u sLrunge Iook und suId, "udv,
wIv don'L vou jusL puL IL In purk?"

AA1. Busebull Heuven?

TIere were Lwo oId guvs, Abe und SoI, sILLIng on u
bencI In u purk IeedIng pIgeons und LuIkIng ubouL
busebuII, jusL IIke LIev dId everv duv. Abe Lurns Lo
SoI und suvs, "Do vou LIInk LIere's busebuII In
Ieuven?"

SoIomun LIInks ubouL IL Ior u mInuLe und repIIes, "
dunno, Abe. BuL IeL's muke u deuI: I dIe IIrsL,
wIII come buck und LeII vou -- und II vou dIe IIrsL,
vou come buck und LeII me -- II LIere Is busebuII In
Ieuven."

TIev sIuke on IL und, sudIv, u Iew monLIs IuLer
poor Abe pusses on. One duv soon uILerwurd, SoI Is
sILLIng LIere IeedIng LIe pIgeons bv IImseII wIen
Ie Ieurs u voIce wIIsper, "SoI... SoI...."

SoI responds, "Abe! s LIuL vou?"

"Yes IL Is SoI," wIIspers LIe spIrIL oI Abe.

SoI, sLIII umuzed, usks, "So, Is LIere busebuII In
Ieuven?"

"WeII," suvs Abe suvs, " goL good news und goL
bud news."

"GImme LIe good news IIrsL," suvs SoI.

Abe suvs, "WeII... LIere Is busebuII In Ieuven."

SoI suvs, "TIuL's greuL! WIuL news couId be bud
enougI Lo ruIn LIuL!?"

Abe sIgIs und wIIspers, "You're pILcIIng on
rIduv."
102
AA. ProoI Positive

A Iunnv sLorv Ius IL LIuL In 1z6 TIeImu GoIdsLeIn
Irom CIIcugo LreuLed IerseII Lo Ier IIrsL reuI
vucuLIon In IorIdu. UnIumIIIur wILI LIe ureu, sIe
wundered InLo u "resLrIcLed" IoLeI In norLI MIumI.

GeLLIng LIe uLLenLIon oI LIe munuger, sIe suId,
"Excuse me, buL mv nume Is Mrs. GoIdsLeIn und 'd
IIke u smuII room Ior Lwo weeks."

"'m uwIuIIv sorrv," Ie repIIed, "buL uII our rooms
ure occupIed."

JusL LIen u mun cume down LIe sLuIrs und cIecked
ouL.

"WIuL Iuck!" Mrs. GoIdsLeIn smIIed. "Now LIere's u
room."

"'m sorrv mu'um, buL LIere ure no rooms uvuIIubIe.
TIIs IoLeI Is resLrIcLed. No Jews uIIowed."

"JewIsI? WIo's JewIsI? Iuppen Lo be CuLIoIIc."

" IInd LIuL Iurd Lo beIIeve, Mrs. GoIdsLeIn. eL me
usk vou, wIo wus LIe son oI God?"

"Jesus," sIe unswered.

"WIere wus Ie born?" LIe mun conLInued.

"n u sLubIe."

"And wIv wus Ie born In u sLubIe?"

"Becuuse u scImuck IIke vou wouIdn'L IeL u Jew renL
u room In IIs IoLeI!"

AA. New member

A IocuI PusLor joIned u communILv ServIce CIub,
und LIe members LIougIL LIev wouId Iuve some
Iun wILI IIm.

BeneuLI IIs nume on IIs Lug, LIev cureIuIIv prInLed,
"Hog CuIIer" us IIs occupuLIon. Evervone mude u
bIg IunIure us Ie wus presenLed IIs budge.

TIe PusLor responded quIeLIv, suvIng, " usuuIIv um
cuIIed 'TIe SIepIerd oI LIe SIeep,' buL vou know
vour peopIe beLLer LIun ..."
AAA. Luck oI sleep

An exIuusLed-IookIng mun drugged IImseII In Lo
LIe docLor's oIIIce.

"DocLor, LIere ure dogs uII over mv neIgIborIood.
TIev burk uII duv und uII nIgIL, und cun'L geL u
wInk oI sIeep."

" Iuve good news Ior vou," LIe docLor unswered,
rummugIng LIrougI u druwer IuII oI sumpIe
medIcuLIons. "Here ure some new sIeepIng pIIIs LIuL
work IIke u dreum. A Iew oI LIese und vour LroubIe
wIII be over."

"GreuL," LIe mun unswered, "'II Lrv unvLIIng. eL's
gIve IL u sIoL."

A Iew weeks IuLer LIe mun reLurned, IookIng worse
LIun ever. "Doc, vour pIun Is no good. 'm more
LIred LIun beIore!"

" don'L undersLund Iow LIuL couId be," suId LIe
docLor, sIukIng IIs Ieud. "TIose ure LIe sLrongesL
pIIIs on LIe murkeL!"

"TIuL muv be Lrue," unswered LIe mun weurIIv, "buL
'm sLIII up uII nIgIL cIusIng LIose dogs und wIen
IInuIIv cuLcI one IL's IeII geLLIng IIm Lo swuIIow LIe
pIII!!!"

AA=. SucriIice

As u senIor uL coIIege, SLeve wouId oILen enguge
women psvcIoIogv mujors In IeuLed dIscussIons
ubouL muIe-IemuIe reIuLIonsIIps. Once, SIeIIv und
SLeve goL InLo u IoL debuLe ubouL wIeLIer men or
women muke LIe Iurger sucrIIIce oI LIeIr respecLIve
gender cIurucLerIsLIcs wIen LIev geL murrIed.

To SLeve`s surprIse, SIeIIv ugreed wILI IIm LIuL
men gIve up Iur more LIun women.

"You're rIgIL, SLeve," sIe suId. "Men generuIIv gIve
up doIng LIeIr cIeunIng, LIeIr cookIng, LIeIr grocerv
sIoppIng, LIeIr Iuundrv..."

AA6. Iurmer

An eIderIv womun IIved on u smuII Iurm In Cunudu,
jusL vurds uwuv Irom LIe NorLI DukoLu border.
TIeIr Iund Iud been LIe subjecL oI u mInor dIspuLe
103
beLween LIe UnILed SLuLes und Cunudu Ior veurs.
TIe now wIdowed womun IIved on LIe Iurm wILI
Ier son und LIree grundcIIIdren.

One duv, Ier son cume InLo Ier room IoIdIng u
IeLLer. " jusL goL some news, Mom," Ie suId. "TIe
governmenL Ius come Lo un ugreemenL wILI LIe
peopIe In NorLI DukoLu. TIev've decIded LIuL our
Iund Is reuIIv purL oI LIe UnILed SLuLes. We Iuve LIe
rIgIL Lo upprove or dIsupprove oI LIe ugreemenL.
WIuL do vou LIInk?"

"WIuL do LIInk?" IIs moLIer suId. "SIgn IL! CuII
LIem rIgIL now und LeII LIem we uccepL. don'L
LIInk couId sLund unoLIer one oI LIose CunudIun
wInLers!"

AA. Thirsty

An mun wus wuIkIng LIrougI LIe SuIuru deserL,
desperuLe Ior wuLer, LIen Ie suw someLIIng, Iur oII
In LIe dIsLunce.

HopIng Lo IInd wuLer, Ie wuIked Lowurds LIe Imuge,
onIv Lo IInd u IILLIe oId mun sILLIng uL u curd LubIe
wILI u buncI oI neckLIes IuId ouL on IL.

TIe LIIrsLv mun usked, "PIeuse, 'm dvIng oI LIIrsL,
cun Iuve some wuLer?"

TIe oId mun repIIed, " don'L Iuve unv wuLer, buL
wIv don'L vou buv u LIe? Here's one LIuL goes nIceIv
wILI vour cIoLIes."

TIe mun sIouLed, " don'L wunL u LIe, vou IdIoL,
need wuLer!"

"OK, don'L buv u LIe. BuL Lo sIow vou wIuL u nIce
guv um, 'II LeII vou LIuL over LIuL IIII LIere, ubouL
= mIIes, Is u nIce resLuurunL mv broLIer runs. WuIk
LIuL wuv, LIev'II gIve vou uII LIe wuLer vou wunL."

TIe mun LIunked IIm und wuIked uwuv Lowurds LIe
IIII und evenLuuIIv dIsuppeured.

TIree Iours IuLer LIe mun cume cruwIIng buck Lo
wIere LIe oId mun wus sILLIng beIInd IIs curd
LubIe. He suId, " LoId vou, ubouL = mIIes over LIuL
IIII. CouIdn'L vou IInd IL?"

He rusped, " Iound IL uIrIgIL. TIev wouIdn'L IeL me
In wILIouL u LIe."
AAS. Odd Iqoipment

WuILIng Ior un eIevuLor uL u IocuI IospILuI, wus
sLundIng nexL Lo u muInLenunce person IoIdIng u
bIcvcIe pump. NoLIcIng mv curIous sLures, Ie Iooked
uL me und remurked wILI u smIIe, "L's LIe newesL
HMO oxvgen progrum."

AAn. Moses on His Wulkie Tulkie

NIne-veur-oId Joev wus usked bv IIs moLIer wIuL
Ie Iud Ieurned uL Sunduv scIooI.

"WeII, Mom, our LeucIer LoId us Iow God senL
Moses beIInd enemv IInes on u rescue mIssIon Lo
Ieud LIe srueIILes ouL oI EgvpL.
"WIen Ie goL Lo LIe Red Seu, Ie Iud IIs engIneers
buIId u ponLoon brIdge und uII LIe peopIe wuIked
ucross suIeIv.

"TIen Ie used IIs wuIkIe-LuIkIe Lo rudIo
IeudquurLers Ior reInIorcemenLs. TIev senL
bombers Lo bIow up LIe brIdge und uII LIe srueIILes
were suved."

"Now, Joev, Is LIuL reuIIv wIuL vour LeucIer LuugIL
vou?" IIs moLIer usked.

"WeII, no. BuL II LoId IL LIe wuv LIe LeucIer dId,
vou'd never beIIeve IL!"

A=o. Lovinu purents

As Burb wus geLLIng Lo know DuvId und IIs IumIIv,
sIe wus verv Impressed bv Iow mucI IIs purenLs
Ioved eucI oLIer.

"TIev're so LIougILIuI," Burb suId. "WIv, vour dud
even brIngs vour mom u cup oI IoL coIIee In bed
everv mornIng."

AILer u LIme, Burb und DuvId were enguged, und
LIen murrIed. On LIe wuv Irom LIe weddIng Lo LIe
recepLIon, Burb uguIn remurked on DuvId's IovIng
purenLs, und even LIe coIIee In bed.

"TeII me," sIe suId, "does IL run In LIe IumIIv?"

"L sure does," repIIed DuvId. "And Luke uILer mv
mom."
104
A=1. Groonds Ior ivorce

A mun uppeurs beIore u judge one duv, uskIng Ior u
dIvorce. TIe judge quIeLIv revIews some pupers und
LIen suvs, "PIeuse LeII me wIv vou ure seekIng u
dIvorce."

"Becuuse," LIe mun suvs, " IIve In u Lwo-sLorv
Iouse."

TIe Judge repIIes, "WIuL kInd oI u reuson Is LIuL?
WIuL Is LIe bIg deuI ubouL u Lwo-sLorv Iouse?"

TIe mun unswers, "WeII Judge, one sLorv Is ' Iuve
u IeuducIe' und LIe oLIer sLorv Is 'L's LIuL LIme oI
LIe monLI.'"

A=. Complex Sentence

TIere wus u LeucIer wIo usked Ier cIuss Lo use LIe
words green, pInk und veIIow In u senLence. So u
IILLIe MexIcun bov ruIses IIs Iund und suvs "TIe
pIone goes green green, pInk up LIe pIone und
suv veIIow".

A=. Buptism

A IuLIer Is In cIurcI wILI LIree oI IIs voung
cIIIdren, IncIudIng IIs IIve-veur-oId duugILer.

As wus cusLomurv, Ie suL In LIe verv IronL row so
LIuL LIe cIIIdren couId properIv wILness LIe servIce.

DurIng LIIs purLIcuIur servIce, LIe mInIsLer wus
perIormIng LIe bupLIsm oI u LInv InIunL. TIe IILLIe
IIve-veur-oId gIrI wus Luken bv LIe wIoIe procedure
oI pourIng wuLer over LIe InIunL's Ieud.

WILI u quIzzIcuI Iook on Ier Iuce, LIe IILLIe gIrI
Lurned Lo Ier IuLIer und wIIspered, "Duddv, wIv Is
Ie bruInwusIIng LIuL bubv?"

A=A. Blonde OIIicer

A bIonde womun geLs puIIed over Ior speedIng. TIe
cop, wIo uIso Iuppens Lo be u bIonde womun, geLs
ouL und usks LIe drIver Ior Ier drIver's IIcense. So
sIe sLurLs dIggIng LIrougI Ier purse. AILer severuI
mInuLes, sIe Iooks up uL LIe cop und suvs, "'m
sorrv- wIuL wouId u drIver's IIcense Iook IIke?" TIe
cop LeIIs Ier, "L's squure, und IL Ius vour pIcLure on
IL." So uILer some more dIggIng, sIe comes ouL wILI
u mukeup compucL. SIe opens IL, sees IerseII In LIe
squure mIrror, und Iunds IL Lo LIe cop. "Here IL Is!"

TIe cop Iooks uL LIe compucL, Iunds IL buck Lo LIe
drIver und suvs, "'m sorrv- dIdn'L know vou were
u poIIce oIIIcer."

A==. rivinu Home

A mun wus drIvIng Iome IuLe one uILernoon, und Ie
wus drIvIng ubove LIe speed IImIL. He Iooks In IIs
reur vIew mIrror und noLIces u poIIce cur wILI ILs
red IIgILs. He LIInks, " cun ouLrun LIIs guv", so Ie
IIoors IL.

TIe curs ure rucIng down LIe IIgIwuv -- 6o, ;o, 8o,
o mIIes un Iour. InuIIv, us IIs speedomeLer
pusses 1oo, LIe guv reuIIzes Ie cun'L ouLrun LIe cop
so Ie gIves up und puIIs over Lo LIe curb. TIe poIIce
oIIIcer geLs ouL oI IIs cruIser und upproucIes LIe
cur.

He Ieuns down und suvs "IsLen mIsLer, 've Iud u
reuIIv Iousv duv, und jusL wunL Lo go Iome. GIve
me u good excuse und 'II IeL vou go."

TIe mun LIougIL Ior u momenL und suId, "TIree
weeks ugo mv wIIe run oII wILI u poIIce oIIIcer.
WIen suw vour cruIser In mv reur vIew mIrror
LIougIL vou were LIuL oIIIcer und vou were LrvIng Lo
gIve Ier buck Lo me!"

A=6. Physicul Checkop

A mun goes Lo u docLor Ior u pIvsIcuI cIeck-up. TIe
nurse sLurLs wILI cerLuIn busIc ILems.

"How mucI do vou weIgI?" sIe usks.

"1;o."

TIe nurse puLs IIm on LIe scuIe. L Lurns ouL LIuL
IIs weIgIL Is 18.

TIe nurse usks, "Your IeIgIL?"

"Ive-eIeven."

TIe nurse cIecks und sees LIuL Ie's onIv =' 8 1Jz".
SIe LIen Lukes IIs bIood pressure, und IL's verv
IIgI.
105
TIe mun expIuIns, "OI course IL's IIgI. WIen
cume In Iere, wus LuII und wIrv. Now, 'm sIorL
und dumpv."

A=. Stressed

LIougIL Iud IInuIIv Iound u wuv Lo convInce
Susun, mv conLInuuIIv IurrIed IrIend, LIuL sIe
needed Lo IInd wuvs Lo reIux. InvILed Ier Lo dInner
und, wIIIe wus busv cookIng, sIe ugreed Lo wuLcI
mv vIdeoLupe on sLress munugemenL und reIuxuLIon
LecInIques.

IILeen mInuLes IuLer, sIe cume InLo LIe kILcIen
und Iunded me LIe Lupe.

"L wus good," sIe suId, "buL don'L need IL."

"BuL IL's u ;o-mInuLe vIdeo," repIIed. "You
couIdn'L Iuve wuLcIed LIe wIoIe LIIng."

"Yes, dId," Susun ussured me. " puL IL on IusL-
Iorwurd."

A=S. Voice-Activuted Cur Rudio

A Iudv bougIL u new $1oo,ooo Mercedes und
proudIv drove IL oII LIe sIowroom IIoor Lo Luke
Iome. HuIIwuv Iome, sIe uLLempLed Lo cIunge
rudIo sLuLIons und suw LIuL LIere uppeured Lo be
onIv one sLuLIon. SIe ImmedIuLeIv Lurned uround
und Ieuded buck Lo LIe deuIer.

Once uL LIe deuIer, sIe Iound Ier suIesmun und
begun Lo excILedIv expIuIn LIuL Ier rudIo wus noL
workIng, und LIev musL repIuce IL sInce sIe onIv
Iud one rudIo sLuLIon. TIe suIesmun cuImed Ier
down und LoId Ier LIuL Ier cur rudIo wus voIce-
ucLIvuLed, und LIuL sIe wouId onIv need Lo sLuLe
uIoud LIe Lvpe oI musIc LIuL sIe wunLed und LIe cur
wouId IInd IL.

SIe goL InLo LIe cur und sLurLed LIe engIne und LIen
suId LIe word "counLrv," und LIe rudIo cIunged Lo u
sLuLIon pIuvIng u George SLruIL song. SIe wus
suLIsIIed und sLurLed Iome.

AILer u wIIIe sIe decIded Lo Lrv ouL LIe rudIo und
suId "rock 'n' roII;" LIe rudIo sLuLIon cIunged und u
song bv LIe RoIIIng SLones cume Irom LIe speukers.
QuILe pIeused, LIe womun conLInued drIvIng. A Iew
bIocks Irom Ier Iouse, unoLIer drIver run u IIgIL
cuusIng Ier Lo sIum on Ier brukes Lo uvoId u
coIIIsIon.

TIe womun ungrIIv excIuImed, "dIoL!" TIe rudIo
cuL over Lo RusI ImbuugI's rudIo progrum.

A=n. Reul Nume?

AL IIs requesL, eucI mornIng LIree-veur-oId Ruv's
moLIer pInned u buLI LoweI Lo LIe buck sIouIders oI
IIs sIze Lwo T- sIIrL. mmedIuLeIv In IIs voung
ImugInuLIve mInd LIe LoweI becume u brIIIIunL
mugIc bIue und red cupe. And Ie becume Supermun.
OuLIILLed eucI duv In IIs "cupe," Ruv's duvs were
pucked wILI udvenLure und durIng escupudes. He
wus Supermun.

TIIs IucL wus cIeurIv poInLed ouL IusL IuII wIen IIs
moLIer enroIIed IIm In kIndergurLen cIuss. DurIng
LIe course oI LIe InLervIew, LIe LeucIer usked Ruv
IIs nume.

"Supermun," Ie unswered poIILeIv und wILIouL
puuse.

TIe LeucIer smIIed, cusL un upprecIuLIve gIunce uL
IIs moLIer, und usked uguIn, "Your reuI nume,
pIeuse." AguIn, Ruv unswered, "Supermun."

ReuIIzIng LIe sILuuLIon demunded more uuLIorILv,
or muvbe Lo IIde umusemenL, LIe LeucIer cIosed Ier
eves Ior u momenL, LIen In u voIce quILe sLern, suId,
" wIII Iuve Lo Iuve vour reuI nume Ior LIe records."

SensIng Ie'd Iuve Lo pIuv sLruIgIL wILI LIe LeucIer,
Ruv sIId IIs eves uround LIe room, IuncIed cIoser
Lo Ier, und puLLIng u corner oI Iruved LoweI uL IIs
sIouIder, unswered In u voIce IusIed wILI
conspIrucv:

"CIurk KenL."

A6o. Orderinu drinks

TIree vumpIres wenL InLo u bur und suL down. TIe
burmuId cume over Lo Luke LIeIr orders.

"And wIuL wouId vou, er, genLIemen IIke LonIgIL?"

TIe IIrsL vumpIre suId, "'II Iuve u mug oI bIood."
106
TIe second vumpIre suId, "'II Iuve u mug oI bIood
Loo."

TIe LIIrd vumpIre sIook IIs Ieud uL IIs
compunIons und suId, "'II jusL Iuve u gIuss oI
pIusmu."

TIe burmuId wroLe down eucI order, wenL Lo LIe
bur und cuIIed Lo LIe burLender, "Two bIoods und u
bIood IIgIL."

A61. Tulkinu Irou

A IumIIv Is drIvIng In LIeIr cur on vucuLIon. A Irog
crosses LIe roud und LIe Iusbund, wIo Is drIvIng, Is
ubIe Lo bruke In LIme Lo uvoId LIe Irog. He geLs ouL
und Lukes LIe Irog und currIes IIm Lo LIe sIde oI LIe
roud.

TIe Irog Is gruLeIuI, speuks Lo LIe mun, LIunks IIm
und LeIIs IIm LIuL Ie wIII grunL IIm u wIsI. TIe
mun suvs, "PIeuse muke mv dog wIn LIe nexL dog
ruce." TIe Irog usks Lo Iook uL LIe dog, wIIcI IImps
ouL oI LIe cur. TIe Irog noLIces LIuL LIe dog onIv
Ius LIree Iegs; IL Is verv IuL, und cun bureIv move uL
uII so Ie LeIIs LIe mun LIuL Ie LIInks IL Is uImosL
ImpossIbIe Lo IuIIIII IIs wIsI und usks LIuL LIe mun
wIII LeII IIm unoLIer wIsI.

TIe mun suvs, "WeII, LIen pIeuse muke mv wIIe wIn
LIe nexL beuuLv conLesL In LIe ureu." TIe Irog usks
IIm Lo LeII IIs wIIe Lo geL ouL oI LIe cur.

TIe wIIe comes ouL oI LIe cur und upproucIes LIe
Irog. TIe Irog Lurns Lo LIe mun und suvs, "Cun
pIeuse Iuve unoLIer Iook uL LIe dog?"

A6. Iqoul Opportonity

A IocuI busIness wus IookIng Ior oIIIce IeIp. TIev
puL u sIgn In LIe wIndow, sLuLIng LIe IoIIowIng:
"HeIp wunLed. MusL be ubIe Lo Lvpe, musL be good
wILI u compuLer und musL be bIIInguuI. We ure un
EquuI OpporLunILv EmpIover."

A sIorL LIme uILerwurds, u dog LroLLed up Lo LIe
wIndow, suw LIe sIgn und wenL InsIde. He Iooked uL
LIe recepLIonIsL und wugged IIs LuII, LIen wuIked
over Lo LIe sIgn, Iooked uL IL und wIIned. GeLLIng
LIe Ideu, LIe recepLIonIsL goL LIe oIIIce munuger.
TIe oIIIce munuger Iooked uL LIe dog und wus
surprIsed, Lo suv LIe IeusL. However, LIe dog Iooked
deLermIned, so Ie Ied IIm InLo LIe oIIIce.

nsIde, LIe dog jumped up on LIe cIuIr und sLured
uL LIe munuger. TIe munuger suId, " cun'L IIre vou.
TIe sIgn suvs vou Iuve Lo be ubIe Lo Lvpe." TIe dog
jumped down, wenL Lo LIe LvpewrILer und
proceeded Lo Lvpe ouL u perIecL IeLLer. He Look ouL
LIe puge und LroLLed over Lo LIe munuger und guve
IL Lo IIm, LIen jumped buck on LIe cIuIr.

TIe munuger wus sLunned, buL LIen LoId LIe dog,
"TIe sIgn suvs vou Iuve Lo be good wILI u
compuLer." TIe dog jumped down uguIn und wenL
Lo LIe compuLer. TIe dog proceeded Lo enLer und
execuLe u perIecL progrum LIuL worked IIuwIessIv
LIe IIrsL LIme. Bv LIIs LIme LIe munuger wus LoLuIIv
dumbIounded!

He Iooked uL LIe dog und suId, " reuIIze LIuL vou
ure u verv InLeIIIgenL dog und Iuve some InLeresLIng
ubIIILIes. However, sLIII cun'L gIve vou LIe job."
TIe dog jumped down und wenL Lo u copv oI LIe
sIgn und puL IIs puw on LIe senLences LIuL LoId
ubouL beIng un EquuI OpporLunILv EmpIover.

TIe munuger suId, "Yes, buL LIe sIgn uIso suvs LIuL
vou Iuve Lo be bIIInguuI."

TIe dog Iooked uL LIe munuger cuImIv und suId,
"Meow!"

A6. Poblic Servunt

"GIve me u senLence ubouL u pubIIc servunL," suId u
LeucIer.

TIe smuII bov wroLe: "TIe IIremun cume down LIe
Iudder pregnunL."

TIe LeucIer Look LIe Iud usIde Lo correcL IIm.

"Don'L vou know wIuL pregnunL meuns?" sIe usked.

"Sure," suId LIe voung sLudenL conIIdenLIv. "Meuns
currvIng u cIIId."

A6A. Lesson Leurned

One oI mv IrIends goL u speedIng LIckeL und wus
uLLendIng u deIensIve drIvIng course Lo Iuve poInLs
erused Irom Ier IIcense. TIe InsLrucLor, u poIIce
107
oIIIcer, empIusIzed LIuL beIng on LIme wus crucIuI,
und LIuL LIe cIussroom doors wouId be Iocked wIen
eucI sessIon begun.

JusL uILer one cIuss sLurLed, someone knocked on
LIe Iocked door. TIe oIIIcer opened IL und usked,
"WIv ure vou IuLe?"

TIe sLudenL repIIed, " wus LrvIng noL Lo geL unoLIer
LIckeL."

A6=. Old West Purkinu

A cowbov Iud been In LIe suIoon Ior u Iong LIme
und decIded LIuL IL wus LIme, once uguIn Lo Ieud Ior
LIe IIIIs. He wuIked LIrougI LIe swIng doors und
ImmedIuLeIv noLIced LIuL IIs Iorse Iud dIsuppeured
Irom LIe ruII.

"OK" Ie suId, re-enLerIng LIe crowded bur, "'m
gonnu Iuve one more drInk und II mv Iorse uIn'L
buck bv LIen, LIe sume LIIng wIII Iuppen Iere LIuL
Iuppened In Dodge CILv."

WILI LIuL severuI oI LIe cowbovs run ouL oI LIe
suIoon und wILIIn mInuLes one Iud reLurned Lo LeII
IIm LIuL LIev'd Iound IIs Iorse Ior IIm. As Ie
Lurned Lo Ieuve LIe burLender sLopped IIm.

"Excuse me sLrunger" Ie suId, "buL wIuL Iuppened
In Dodge CILv?"

TIe cowbov repIIed: " Iud Lo wuIk Iome!"

A66. Huir Cot

A voung bov Iud jusL goLLen IIs drIvIng permIL. He
usked IIs IuLIer, wIo wus u MInIsLer, II LIev couId
dIscuss IIs use oI LIe IumIIv cur. HIs IuLIer Look
IIm InLo IIs sLudv und suId, "'II muke u deuI wILI
vou. You brIng vour grudes up, sLudv LIe BIbIe u
IILLIe, geL vour IuIr cuL und LIen we'II LuIk ubouL IL."
AILer ubouL u monLI, LIe bov cume buck und uguIn
usked IIs IuLIer II LIev couId dIscuss IIs use oI LIe
cur. TIev uguIn wenL InLo LIe IuLIer's sLudv wIere
LIe IuLIer suId, "Son, 've been verv proud oI vou.
You Iuve brougIL vour grudes up, vou've sLudIed
LIe BIbIe dIIIgenLIv, buL vou dIdn'L geL vour IuIr
cuL."

TIe voung mun wuILed u momenL und LIen repIIed,
"You know, Dud, 've been LIInkIng ubouL LIuL. You
know Sumson Iud Iong IuIr, Moses Iud Iong IuIr,
NouI Iud Iong IuIr, und even Jesus Iud Iong IuIr."

TIe MInIsLer suId, "Yes, und evervwIere LIev wenL,
LIev wuIked."

A6. Wulk on Wuter

Joev Iud Ieurd u IumIIv rumor LIuL IIs IuLIer, IIs
grundIuLIer und even IIs greuL-grundIuLIer, uII
wuIked on wuLer on LIeIr z1sL bIrLIduv. WeII Loduv
wus IIs z1sL bIrLIduv, und II LIev couId do IL, so
couId Ie.

So, oII Ie wenL In u bouL wILI IIs IrIend ErIc. WIen
Ie goL ouL In LIe mIddIe oI LIe Iuke, Ie goL up und
sLepped ouL oI LIe bouL... und dumn neur drowned.

TIe nexL duv, Joev usked IIs grundmoLIer wIv Ie
wusn'L gIven LIe sume gIIL us LIe oLIers In IIs
IumIIv. TIe grundmoLIer LoId IIm LIuL IIs IuLIer,
grundIuLIer und greuL-grundIuLIer Iud uII been
born In ebruurv...noL In AugusL us wus Ie.

A6S. Bud Week

How's LIIs Ior u bud week? TIIs Is LIe ubsoIuLe
LruLI.

LIougIL wouId do someLIIng Lo spruce up mv
vurd, so Iud u Iundscuper come bv und pIunL some
sIrubberv uIong LIe IronL oI mv Iuwn. n so doIng,
Ie cuL mv LeIepIone cubIe cuusIng me Lo Iuve
pIone probIems.

TIe pIone compunv cume ouL und repIuced LIe
cubIe, IeuvIng IL exposed unLII unoLIer crew cume bv
Lo burv IL. MeunwIIIe, mv Iuwn servIce comes bv
und uccIdenLuIIv cuLs LIe exposed cubIe, IeuvIng me
wILIouL u LeIepIone Ior Lwo duvs.

TIe pIone compunv comes ouL uguIn und repIuces
LIe cubIe. WIen LIe oLIer crew urrIved Lo burv IL,
LIev cuL mv muIn wuLer IIne Lo mv Iouse, IeuvIng
me wILIouL wuLer Ior Lwo duvs wIIIe LIe wuLer IIne
wus beIng repIuced.

WIen goL buck Iome, Iound LIuL Iud wuLer, buL
no pIone becuuse LIe pIumber cuL LIe newIv burIed
pIone IIne.
108
So, sIeepIsIIv cuIIed LIe pIone compunv uguIn Lo
once uguIn come bv und repIuce LIe IIne.

n LIe meunLIme, Iud u new curporL InsLuIIed. TIe
conLrucLor IuvIng LIe cemenL sIub run over mv new
pIunLs.

So LIe nexL LIme vou LIInk vou ure IuvIng u bud
week, LIInk uguIn.

A6n. Riuht On Red

A poIIcemun wus on puLroI wIen Ie cume upon u
IIne oI curs sLopped uL u IIgIL wILI Iorns bIusLIng.
TIe IIgIL dIrecLIng LIuL Iune oI LruIIIc wus green. He
puIIed ouL oI IIne und sLopped uIongsIde oI LIe IIrsL
cur In IIne Lo see wIuL LIe probIem wus. TIe cur wus
drIven bv un eIderIv womun. He usked Ier wIv sIe
wus sLopped wIen LIe IIgIL wus green.

SIe suId, "OI, becuuse 'm on mv wuv Lo mv sIsLer's
Iouse wIIcI Is LIuL wuv." und sIe poInLed Lo LIe
rIgIL.

TIe moLorcvcIe cop suId, "WeII go uIeud! TIe IIgIL
Is green."

TIe eIderIv womun responded wILI, "Yes know,
buL LIe sIgn under LIe IIgIL suvs 'RGHT TURN ON
RED.'"

Ao. At The Hotel

Bv LIe LIme CIuck puIIed InLo u IILLIe Lown, everv
IoLeI room wus Luken. He IInuIIv puIIed up Lo LIe
verv IusL IoLeI und wenL InLo LIe oIIIce.

"You've goL Lo Iuve u room somewIere," Ie
pIeuded. "Or jusL u bed - don'L cure wIere."

"WeII, do Iuve u doubIe room wILI one occupunL,"
udmILLed LIe munuger, "und Ie mIgIL be gIud Lo
spIIL LIe cosL. BuL Lo LeII vou LIe LruLI, Ie snores so
IoudIv LIuL peopIe In udjoInIng rooms Iuve
compIuIned In LIe pusL. 'm noL sure IL'd be worLI IL
Lo vou."

"No probIem," LIe LIred LruveIer ussured IIm. "'II
Luke IL."

TIe nexL mornIng CIuck cume down Lo breukIusL
brIgIL-eved und busIv-LuIIed.
"How'd vou sIeep?" usked LIe munuger.

"Never beLLer."

TIe munuger wus Impressed. "No probIem wILI LIe
oLIer guv snorIng, LIen?"

"Nope, sIuL IIm up In no LIme," suId CIuck.

"How'd vou munuge LIuL?" usked LIe munuger.

"He wus uIreudv In bed, snorIng uwuv, wIen cume
In LIe room," CIuck expIuIned. " wenL over, guve
IIm u kIss on LIe cIeek, suId, 'GoodnIgIL,
beuuLIIuI,' und Ie suL up uII nIgIL wuLcIIng me."

A1. OIIice Arithmetic:

SmurL boss + smurL empIovee = proIIL
SmurL boss + dumb empIovee = producLIon
Dumb boss + smurL empIovee = promoLIon
Dumb boss + dumb empIovee = overLIme

How mucI overLIme ure vou dong uL vour work?

A. Work Is u Ioor-Letter Word

TIere Is u new vIrus goIng uround, cuIIed "work."

I vou receIve unv sorL oI "work" uL uII, wIeLIer vIu
emuII, nLerneL, or sImpIv Iunded Lo vou bv u
coIIeugue ...DO NOT OPEN T.

TIIs Ius been cIrcuIuLIng uround our buIIdIng Ior
monLIs, und LIose wIo Iuve been LempLed Lo open
"work" or even Iook uL "work" Iuve Iound LIuL LIeIr
socIuI IIIe Is deIeLed und LIeIr bruIn ceuses Lo
IuncLIon properIv.

I vou do encounLer "work" vIu emuII or ure Iuced
wILI unv "work" uL uII, LIen Lo purge LIe vIrus, send
un emuII Lo vour boss wILI LIe words "'ve Iud
enougI oI vour crup... 'm oII Lo LIe pub."

TIe "work" sIouId uuLomuLIcuIIv be IorgoLLen bv
vour bruIn. I vou receIve "work" In puper-
documenL Iorm, sImpIv IIIL LIe documenL und drug
LIe "work" Lo vour gurbuge cun. PuL on vour IuL und
couL und skIp Lo LIe neuresL bur wILI Lwo IrIends
und order LIree pInLs oI beer (or Juck und Coke).
109
AILer repeuLIng LIIs ucLIon 1q LImes, vou wIII IInd
LIuL "work" wIII no Ionger be oI unv reIevunce Lo
vou und LIuL "Scoobv Doo" wus LIe greuLesL curLoon
ever.

Send LIIs messuge Lo evervone In vour uddress
book. I vou do NOT Iuve unvone In vour uddress
book, LIen 'm uIruId LIe "work" vIrus Ius uIreudv
corrupLed vour IIIe.

A. She shoold huve seen it cominu

A mun goes InLo LIe IorLuneLeIIer's LenL. SIe Is
smIIIng und IuugIIng, Ie IILs Ier und Is urresLed.
WIen Ie goes Lo courL IIs deIense Is LIuL Ie wus
uIwuvs brougIL up Lo sLrIke u Iuppv MedIum!!!

AA. Bill und Hill's Anniversury

WIen BIII und HIIIurv IIrsL goL murrIed BIII suId,

" um puLLIng u box under LIe bed. You musL
promIse never Lo Iook In IL."

n uII LIeIr o veurs oI murrIuge, HIIIurv never
Iooked. However, on LIe uILernoon oI LIeIr oLI
unnIversurv, curIosILv goL LIe besL oI Ier und sIe
IIILed LIe IId und peeked InsIde. n LIe box were
LIree empLv beer cuns und $81,8;q.z= In cusI. SIe
cIosed LIe box und puL IL buck under LIe bed.

Now LIuL sIe knew wIuL wus In LIe box, sIe wus
doubIv curIous ubouL LIe box und ILs conLenLs. TIuL
evenIng, LIev were ouL Ior u specIuI unnIversurv
dInner.

AILer dInner, HIIIurv couId no Ionger conLuIn Ier
curIosILv und sIe conIessed, suvIng, " um so sorrv.
or uII LIese veurs, kepL mv promIse und never
Iooked InLo LIe box under our bed. However, Loduv
LIe LempLuLIon wus Loo mucI und guve In. Now
need Lo know, wIv do vou keep LIe beer cuns In
LIe box?"

BIII LIougIL Ior u wIIIe und suId, " guess uILer uII
LIese veurs vou deserve Lo know LIe LruLI.
WIenever wus unIuILIIuI Lo vou, puL un empLv
beer cun In LIe box under LIe bed Lo remInd mvseII
noL Lo do IL uguIn."

HIIIurv wus sIocked, buL suId, "Hmmm, JennIIer,
PuuIu und MonIcu. um verv dIsuppoInLed und
suddened bv vour beIuvIor. However, sInce vou ure
uddIcLed Lo sex, guess IL does Iuppen und guess
LImes Is noL LIuL bud consIderIng vour probIem."

BIII LIunked Ier Ior beIng so undersLundIng. TIev
Iugged und mude LIeIr peuce. A IILLIe wIIIe IuLer
HIIIurv usked BIII, "So wIv do vou Iuve uII LIuL
monev In LIe box?"

BIII unswered, "WeII, wIenever LIe box IIIIed up
wILI empLv cuns, Look LIem Lo LIe recvcIIng cenLer
und redeemed LIem Ior cusI."

A=. eIinition

umIIv pIunnIng: TIe urL oI spucIng vour cIIIdren
LIe proper dIsLunce upurL Lo keep vou on LIe edge oI
IInuncIuI dIsusLer.

A6. Love Horts

JImmIe, un 8o-veur-oId genLIemun, reLIred Lo
IorIdu uILer IIs wIIe oI =8 veurs Iud pussed uwuv.
He wus quILe uIone In LIe worId und Ionged Ior
compunIonsIIp. One duv, us Ie wus wuIkIng
LIrougI u pubIIc purk, Ie spIed wIuL Ie consIdered
Lo be u verv preLLv sIIver-IuIred Iudv sILLIng uIone
on u purk bencI. GeLLIng IIs nerve up, Ie
upproucIed LIe Iudv und usked grucIousIv, "Purdon
me, mu'um, buL muv sIL Iere wILI vou."

TIe sIIver-IuIred MurcIu Iooked up Lo see u
dIsLInguIsIed IookIng wIILe-IuIred genLIemun und
repIIed, "WIv cerLuInIv," und scooLed over genLIv Lo
gIve IIm room Lo sIL down.

or LIe nexL Lwo Iours LIe Lwo suL und LuIked ubouL
evervLIIng. TIev dIscovered LIuL LIev cume Irom
LIe sume purL oI LIe counLrv, IIked LIe sume bIg
bund musIc, voLed Ior LIe sume presIdenLIuI
cundIduLes, Iud Iud Iong Iuppv murrIuges und IosL
LIeIr spouses In LIe IusL veur, und In generuI ugreed
ubouL uImosL evervLIIng.

InuIIv, LIe oId genLIemun cIeured IIs LIrouL und
usked sIeepIsIIv, "Mu' um, muv usk vou Lwo
quesLIons?"

WILI greuL unLIcIpuLIon MurcIu repIIed, "WIv
cerLuInIv!"
110
TIe oId genLIemun removed u IundkercIIeI Irom
IIs couL pockeL und spreud IL ouL on LIe ground
beIore Ier. He verv gIngerIv goL down on one knee
und Iooked Ier soILIv In LIe eves. "MurcIu, know
we've onIv known eucI oLIer Ior u coupIe oI Iours,
buL we Iuve so mucI In common. IeeI Iuve
known vou uII mv IIIe. WIII vou murrv me und be mv
wIIe?"

MurcIu grubbed uL JImmIe's Iunds und suId, "WIv,
ves, wIII murrv vou! You Iuve mude me so verv
Iuppv!" SIe reucIed over und kIssed IIm genLIv on
LIe cIeek. TIen MurcIu suId, "You suId vou Iud Lwo
quesLIons Lo usk me. WIuL Is LIe second quesLIon?"
JImmIe scruLcIed IIs neck und suId, "WIII vou IeIp
me geL up?"

A. Juck uniels Q&A

TIree eIderIv IudIes ure excILed ubouL seeIng LIeIr
IIrsL busebuII gume. TIev smuggIe u boLLIe oI Juck
DunIeI's InLo LIe buIIpurk. TIe gume Is reuI excILIng
und LIev ure enjovIng LIemseIves ImmenseIv mIxIng
LIe Juck DunIeI's wILI soIL drInks. Soon LIev reuIIze
LIuL LIe boLLIe Is uImosL gone und LIe gume Ius u
IoL oI InnIngs Lo go.

QuesLIon: WIuL InnIng Is IL und Iow munv pIuvers
ure on buse?

Answer: L's LIe boLLom oI LIe IIILI und LIe bugs ure
Iouded!

AS. Not the Shurpest Nuil in the Gon

Two guvs were doIng consLrucLIon on u Iouse. One
oI LIem wIo wus nuIIIng down sIdIng wouId reucI
InLo IIs nuII poucI, puII ouL u nuII, und LIen eILIer
Loss IL over IIs sIouIder or nuII IL InLo LIe sIdIng.

TIe oLIer guv, IIgurIng LIIs wus worLI IookIng InLo,
usked, "WIv ure vou LIrowIng LIose nuIIs uwuv?"

TIe IIrsL guv expIuIned, "I puII u nuII ouL oI mv
poucI und IL's poInLed Lowurds me, LIrow IL uwuv
'cuuse IL's deIecLIve. I IL's poInLed Lowurd LIe
Iouse, LIen nuII IL InLo LIe sIdIng."

TIe second guv wus ouLruged. He veIIed, "You
moron! TIe nuIIs poInLed Lowurds vou uren'L
deIecLIve! TIev're Ior LIe oLIer sIde oI LIe Iouse!"
An. Bud GolIer

L wus u sunnv SuLurduv mornIng on LIe course und
u mun wus begInnIng IIs pre-sIoL rouLIne,
vIsuuIIzIng IIs upcomIng sIoL, wIen u voIce cume
over LIe cIubIouse Ioudspeuker.

"WouId LIe genLIemun on LIe womun's Lee buck up
Lo LIe men's Lee pIeuse!!"

He wus sLIII deep In IIs rouLIne, seemIngIv
ImpervIous Lo LIe InLerrupLIon.

AguIn LIe unnouncemenL, "WouId LIe MAN on LIe
WOMEN'S Lee kIndIv buck up Lo LIe men's Lee."

He sImpIv Ignored LIe guv und kepL concenLruLIng.

Once more LIe unnouncer veIIed, "WouId LIe mun
on LIe womun's Lee buck up Lo LIe men's Lee,
PEASE!"

He IInuIIv sLopped, Lurned, Iooked LIrougI LIe
cIubIouse wIndow dIrecLIv uL LIe person wILI LIe
mIke und sIouLed buck, "WouId LIe person In LIe
cIubIouse kIndIv sIuL LIe IeII up und IeL me pIuv
mv second sIoL?"

ASo. Georue ut the Olympics

George W. BusI Is openIng LIe OIvmpIc Gumes und
Ius Lo reud u speecI.

"OI," Ie suvs. "OI, oI, oI ..."

An uIde nudges IIm, "Mr. BusI, sLop," Ie suvs.
"You're reudIng LIe OIvmpIc svmboI."

AS1. Nuvy ConIerence

An oIIIcer In LIe U.S. NuvuI Reserve wus uLLendIng u
conIerence LIuL IncIuded udmIruIs Irom boLI LIe
U.S. Nuvv und LIe rencI Nuvv.

AL u cockLuII recepLIon, Ie Iound IImseII In u smuII
group LIuL IncIuded personneI Irom boLI nuvIes.
TIe rencI udmIruI sLurLed compIuInIng LIuL
wIereus Europeuns Ieurned munv Iunguuges,
AmerIcuns Ieurned onIv EngIIsI.
111
He LIen usked: "WIv Is IL LIuL we Iuve Lo speuk
EngIIsI In LIese conIerences ruLIer LIun vou speuk
rencI?"

WILIouL IesILuLIng, LIe AmerIcun AdmIruI repIIed:
"Muvbe IL's becuuse LIe BrILs, CunudIuns, AussIes
und AmerIcuns urrunged IL so vou wouId noL Iuve Lo
speuk Germun." TIe group becume sIIenL.

AS. Secore Job

n LIIs presenL LIme oI compunv 'down-sIzIng' und
IuvoIIs, wIuL job wIII be mosL IIkeIv Lo IusL Ionger
LIun unv oLIer, Ior munv veurs Lo come?

BeIng LIe weddIng pIunner Ior JennIIer opez!

AS. New Sport?

IrsL mun: Mv wIIe suggesLed LIuL Luke up u new
sporL LIIs summer.

Second mun: WeII, LIuL's nIce. L sIows LIuL sIe Ius
vour InLeresLs uL IeurL. DId sIe muke unv
suggesLIons?

IrsL mun: As u muLLer oI IucL, sIe dId. Bv LIe wuv,
Iow do vou pIuv LIIs RussIun RouIeLLe?

ASA. A Iriend in Need

A mun In u bur sees u IrIend uL u LubIe, drInkIng bv
IImseII. ApproucIIng LIe IrIend Ie commenLs, "You
Iook LerrIbIe. WIuL's LIe probIem?"

"Mv moLIer dIed In June," Ie suId, "und IeIL me
$1o,ooo."

"Gee, LIuL's LougI," Ie repIIed.

"TIen In JuIv," LIe IrIend conLInued, "Mv IuLIer
dIed, IeuvIng me $=o,ooo."

"Wow. Two purenLs gone In Lwo monLIs. No wonder
vou're depressed."

"And IusL monLI mv uunL dIed, und IeIL me
$1=,ooo."

"TIree cIose IumIIv members IosL In LIree monLIs?
How sud."
"TIen LIIs monLI," conLInued, LIe IrIend,
"noLIIng!"

AS=. New Technolouy

A Iudv cume Lo LIe IospILuI Lo vIsIL u IrIend. SIe
Iud noL been In u IospILuI Ior severuI veurs und IeIL
verv IgnorunL ubouL uII LIe new LecInoIogv. A
LecInIcIun IoIIowed Ier onLo LIe eIevuLor, wIeeIIng
u Iurge, InLImIduLIng IookIng mucIIne wILI Lubes
und wIres und dIuIs. "Bov, wouId IuLe Lo be
Iooked up Lo LIuL LIIng," sIe suId.

"So wouId ," repIIed LIe LecInIcIun. "L's u IIoor-
cIeunIng mucIIne."

AS6. Scientist Gets u Breuk

A successIuI scIenLIsL wus on IIs wuv Lo u semInur
wIere Ie wus supposed Lo gIve u IecLure on IIs new
breukLIrougI In reseurcI. HIs cIuuIIeur suw IIs
LIred Iook und IeIL sorrv Ior IIm.

"SIr, wIv don'L vou Luke LIe duv oII Loduv", Ie suId,
"'ve Ieurd vour IecLure so munv LImes bv now
know IL bv IeurL. cun gIve LIe IecLure und vou cun
jusL sIL buck und reIux."

TIe scIenLIsL LIougIL LIIs wus u greuL Ideu, sInce Ie
wus sIck und LIred oI gIvIng LIe exucL sume IecLure
over und over uguIn. WIen LIev urrIved uL LIe
semInur LIe scIenLIsL puL on LIe cIuuIIeur's IuL und
seuLed IImseII In LIe buck oI LIe IecLure IuII. HIs
LrusLed cIuuIIeur wuIked Lo LIe podIum und guve un
exceIIenL IecLure sIowIng uL IeusL us mucI
conIIdence us LIe scIenLIsL wouId. AL LIe end oI LIe
IecLure LIe cIuuIIeur usked, jusL us IIs musLer
uIwuvs does, "Are LIere unv quesLIons?"

One oI LIe proIessors In LIe IuII sLood up und usked
u Iong quesLIon ubouL u verv compIIcuLed und IIgIIv
LIeoreLIcuI muLLer. TIe cIuuIIeur wus punIckIng
sIIenLIv buL IInuIIv munuged Lo puII IImseII
LogeLIer.

"TIuL, proIessor, Is u verv sImpIe quesLIon," Ie
unswered, "In IucL, IL Is so sImpIe even mv cIuuIIeur
cun unswer IL."
112
AS. The Pocket Wutch

TIese Lwo ScoLLIsI cIurucLers ure cIuLLIng. One oI
LIem LIen puIIs ouL un expensIve IookIng pockeL
wuLcI Irom IIs pockeL Lo cIeck LIe LIme.

"TIuL's u IIne wuLcI vou goL LIere!" suvs LIe oLIer.

"YeuI IL Is, Isn'L IL? goL IL Irom mv grundIuLIer,"
suvs LIe guv wILI LIe wuLcI.

"ReuIIv?"

"YeuI, Ie soId IL Lo me on IIs deuLI bed."

ASS. Work Horse

An ouL-oI-Lowner drove IIs cur InLo u dILcI In u
desoIuLed ureu. uckIIv, u IocuI Iurmer cume Lo IeIp
wILI IIs bIg sLrong Iorse numed Buddv.

He IILcIed Buddv up Lo LIe cur und veIIed, "PuII,
NeIIIe, puII." Buddv dIdn'L move.

TIen LIe Iurmer IoIIered, "PuII, BusLer, puII."
Buddv dIdn'L respond.

Once more LIe Iurmer communded, "PuII, JennIe,
puII." NoLIIng.

TIen LIe Iurmer noncIuIunLIv suId, "PuII, Buddv,
puII." And LIe Iorse eusIIv drugged LIe cur ouL oI
LIe dILcI.

TIe moLorIsL wus mosL upprecIuLIve und verv
curIous. He usked LIe Iurmer wIv Ie cuIIed IIs
Iorse bv LIe wrong nume LIree LImes.

TIe Iurmer suId, "OI, Buddv Is bIInd, und II Ie
LIougIL Ie wus LIe onIv one puIIIng, Ie wouIdn'L
even Lrv!"

ASn. Sonduy School Money

A smuII bov sLunned IIs purenLs uILer Sunduv
ScIooI, wIen Ie begun Lo empLv IIs pockeLs oI
nIckeIs, dImes und quurLers. InuIIv LIe moLIer
usked LIe obvIous quesLIon. "WIere dId vou geL uII
oI LIuL monev?"

TIe bov repIIed noncIuIunLIv, "AL cIurcI, LIev Iuve
bowIs oI IL!"
Ano. Internet Newbie

Mv =o-someLIIng IrIend Nuncv und decIded Lo
InLroduce Ier moLIer Lo LIe mugIc oI LIe nLerneL.
Our IIrsL move wus Lo uccess LIe popuIur "Ask
Jeeves" sILe, und we LoId Ier IL couId unswer unv
quesLIon sIe Iud.

Nuncv's moLIer wus verv skepLIcuI unLII Nuncv suId,
"L's Lrue, Mom. TIInk oI someLIIng Lo usk IL."

As suL wILI IIngers poIsed over LIe kevbourd,
Nuncv's moLIer LIougIL u mInuLe, LIen responded,
"How Is AunL HeIen IeeIIng?"

An1. Whut's LeIt Behind

A womun's Iusbund dIed. He Iud $zo,ooo Lo IIs
nume. AILer puvIng uII LIe IuneruI expenses, sIe
LoId Ier cIosesL IrIend LIuL LIere wus no monev IeIL.

TIe IrIend usked, "How cun LIuL be? You LoId me Ie
Iud $zo,ooo u Iew duvs beIore Ie dIed. How couId
vou be broke?"

TIe wIdow repIIed, "WeII, LIe IuneruI cosL me
$6,=oo. And oI course, Iud Lo muke LIe obIIguLorv
donuLIon Lo LIe cIurcI, puv LIe orgunIsL und uII.
TIuL wus $=oo, und spenL unoLIer $=oo Ior LIe
wuke, LIe Iood und drInks, vou know. TIe resL wenL
Ior LIe memorIuI sLone."

TIe IrIend usked, "$1z,=oo Ior LIe memorIuI sLone?
Mv God, Iow bIg wus IL?"

TIe wIdow repIIed, "TIree curuLs."

An. Goodniuht

A sergeunL wus pussIng LIe burrucks uILer IIgILs ouL,
wIen Ie Ieurd some voIces Irom InsIde. He
sIummed open LIe door, und sIouLed: "IsLen, vou
guvs! A Iew mInuLes ugo, vou uII Ieurd me suv
'goodnIgIL.` WIuL vou musL reuIIze, Is LIuL wIen
suv 'GoodnIgIL,' wIuL reuIIv meun Is, 'SIuL up!!!'"

TIe room InsLunLIv IeII sIIenL. BuL uILer u Iew
seconds, u smuII voIce couId be Ieurd Irom
somewIere In LIe Iur buck oI LIe durk room:
"GoodnIgIL, SergeunL"
113
An. Blond Goy Joke

TIere ure LIree bIond guvs sLrunded on un IsIund.
SuddenIv u IuIrv uppeurs und oIIers Lo grunL eucI
one oI LIem u wIsI.

TIe IIrsL bIond usks Lo be InLeIIIgenL. nsLunLIv, Ie
Is Lurned InLo u brown IuIred mun und swIms oII
LIe IsIund.

TIe nexL one usks Lo be even more InLeIIIgenL LIun
LIe prevIous one, so InsLunLIv Ie Is Lurned InLo u
bIuck IuIred mun. TIe bIuck IuIred mun buIIds u
bouL und suIIs oII LIe IsIund.

TIe LIIrd bIond usks Lo become even more
InLeIIIgenL LIun LIe prevIous Lwo. TIe IuIrv Lurns
IIm InLo u womun, und sIe wuIks ucross LIe brIdge.

AnA. Girls

A bIonde, u bruneLLe, und u redIeud wIere drIvIng
down LIe roud wIen u cop sLurLed cIusIng LIem.

TIev rusI oII und crusI InLo LIe sIde oI u burn.
TIev ImmedIuLeIv jump ouL oI LIe cur und IIde
under poLuLoes sucks.

TIe cop runs In uILer LIem, und LIe IIrsL suck Ie
comes Lo LIe bruneLLe Is under. He kIcks IL und LIe
bruneLLe suvs, "MEEEEOOOOOOW," und LIe cop
suvs, " OI, IL's jusL u sLupId cuL."

He LIen moves Lo LIe suck LIe redIeud Is under und
kIcks IL. TIe red-Ieud repIIes,
"ROO,ROO,ROO." LIe cop now ungrv suvs
"STUPD DOG!!!"

TIen LIe cop comes Lo LIe suck LIe bIonde Is under,
Ie kIcks IL und LIe bIonde screums,
"POOOTAAAAAAATOOE!"

An=. Bitinu nuils

Two goIden-ugers were dIscussIng LIeIr Iusbunds
over IuncI.

" do wIsI LIuL mv JoIn wouId sLop bILIng IIs nuIIs.
He mukes me LerrIbIv nervous."

Mv red used Lo do LIe sume LIIng," LIe oLIer
womun repIIed. "BuL broke IIm oI LIe IubIL."
"ReuIIv, Iow?" usked LIe IIrsL womun.

"Eusv, IId IIs LeeLI."

An6. Truvelinu Abroud

A noL-so-brIgIL bIonde womun Iud uIwuvs wunLed
Lo LruveI ubroud. SIe Iud suved Ier monev Ior
severuI veurs, und IInuIIv Iud enougI Ior Ier dreum
vucuLIon. UnLII now, sIe'd never even been ouL oI
LIe counLrv, so nuLuruIIv sIe needed u pussporL. SIe
wenL Lo LIe PussporL OIIIce und usked wIuL sIe
needed Lo do Lo geL u pussporL.

"You musL Luke LIe IovuILv ouLI IIrsL," responded
LIe pussporL cIerk. "RuIse vour rIgIL Iund, pIeuse."

TIe bIonde ruIsed Ier rIgIL Iund.

"Do vou sweur Lo deIend LIe ConsLILuLIon oI LIe
UnILed SLuLes uguInsL uII ILs enemIes, domesLIc or
IoreIgn?"

TIe BIonde's Iuce Lurned puIe und Ier voIce
LrembIed us sIe usked In u smuII voIce, "WIuL.... uII
on mv own?"

An. LiIe's Work

A prIsoner uL LIe EdmonLon MuxImum SecurILv
PrIson sLurLed LruInIng u Iurge IIv Lo do LrIcks. or
veurs, Ior LIousunds oI Iours, Ie worked wILI LIe
InsecL. L Ieurned Lo wuIk ucross u mInIuLure IIgI
wIre, rIde u LInv one-wIeeI bIke, buIunce on u puIr
oI sLIILs und sIng songs Irom PIunLom oI LIe Operu.

"WIen vou und geL ouL oI Iere," LIe juIIbIrd suId
Lo LIe IIv. "we're goIng Lo Lour LIe nIgIL-spoLs und
muke u IorLune."

InuIIv LIe duv urrIved. Iv suIeIv Lucked uwuv In
IIs pockeL, (InsIde ILs muLcIbox Iome), LIe ex-con
mude IIs wuv Lo u bur Lo ceIebruLe.

AL LIe bur, Ie brougIL ouL IIs LrIck IIv. On cue, IL
sLurLed moonwuIkIng. "WIuL ubouL LIIs IIv, eI?" Ie
suId Lo LIe burLender.

n one swIIL moLIon, LIe burLender reucIed Ior IIs
copv oI LIe IocuI newspuper, roIIed IL up und
squIsIed LIe IIv wILI u mIgILv swIpe.
114
"GIud vou suw IL," muLLered LIe burLender. "Dumn
LIIngs ure evervwIere."

AnS. Contest

A group oI IrIends wIo prIded LIemseIves on LIeIr
InLeIIIgence seL ouL Lo Iuve u conLesL oI wILs. EucI
person In Lurn usked u quesLIon und unvone wIo
voIunLeered un unswer LIuL wus wrong dropped ouL.
I no one couId unswer, LIe quesLIoner IImseII Iud
Lo unswer, und II Ie wus wrong, Ie dropped ouL.
EucI dropouL Iud Lo puL $= InLo LIe poL. EvenLuuIIv
LIe muLLer boIIed down Lo TIompson und Brown,
und LIe erudILIon oI eucI one boIIed up so LIuL boLI
were IeId even Ior IuII un Iour.

InuIIv TIompson suId, "How does u gopIer dIg u
IoIe wILIouL IeuvIng u mound oI dIrL uL LIe IIp?"

Brown LIougIL ubouL LIuL und suId, " cun'L unswer
LIuL. However, sInce IL's vour quesLIon, vou Iud
beLLer unswer IL."

TIompson suId cooIIv, us Ie reucIed Ior LIe
uccumuIuLed pIIe oI bIIIs, "Eusv. TIe gopIer sLurLs
uL LIe boLLom oI LIe IoIe und LIuL's wIere Ie Ieuves
LIe dIrL."

"HoId on," suId Brown IeuLedIv, gruspIng
TIompson's wrIsL Lo prevenL IIm Irom LukIng LIe
poL. "How does LIe gopIer geL Lo LIe boLLom oI LIe
IoIe In LIe IIrsL pIuce?"

"TIuL's vour quesLIon," suId TIompson us Ie Look
LIe monev.

Ann. Cur Accident

A poIIce oIIIcer cume upon u LerrIbIe wreck wIere
LIe drIver und pussenger Iud been kIIIed. As Ie
Iooked upon LIe wreckuge u IILLIe monkev cume ouL
oI LIe brusI und Iopped uround LIe crusIed cur.
TIe oIIIcer Iooked down uL LIe monkev und suId "
wIsI vou couId LuIk."

TIe monkev Iooked up uL LIe oIIIcer und sIook IIs
Ieud up und down.

"You cun undersLund wIuL 'm suvIng?" usked LIe
oIIIcer.

AguIn, LIe monkev sIook IIs Ieud up und down.
"WeII, dId vou see LIIs?"

"Yes," moLIoned LIe monkev.

"WIuL Iuppened?" TIe monkev preLended Lo Iuve u
cun In IIs Iund und Lurned IL up bv IIs mouLI.

"TIev were drInkIng?" usked LIe oIIIcer.

TIe monkev nodded IIs Ieud.

"WIuL eIse?"

TIe monkev pIncIed IIs IIngers LogeLIer und IeId
LIem Lo IIs mouLI.

"TIev were smokIng murIjuunu?"

TIe monkev nodded IIs Ieud.

"Now wuIL, vou're suvIng vour owners were
drInkIng, und smokIng murIjuunu beIore LIev
wrecked."

TIe monkev nodded IIs Ieud. "WIuL were vou
doIng durIng uII LIIs?"

"DrIvIng" moLIoned LIe monkev.

=oo. ThoouhtIol GiIt?

A genLIemun, IresI ouL oI gIIL Ideus, bougIL IIs
moLIer-In-Iuw u Iurge pIoL In un expensIve
cemeLerv. On Ier nexL bIrLIduv, Ie bougIL Ier
noLIIng. SIe wus quIck Lo commenL Ioud und Iong
on IIs LIougILIessness. He repIIed, "WeII, vou
Iuven'L used LIe gIIL guve vou IusL veur."