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Monty.
Heavy breathing.
A distant “Maaarch!” and faceless boots pound the hard earth harder.
Dust flies.
dark room
in front of a big front window. It’s raining outside, and it’s cold. Like an October
morning at 5:59.
Raining.
“Swallow hard, like it’s the first day of the rest of your life.
table beside him beside today’s headline on some paper. He lifts his head up to rest on his
left hand and stare, unfocussed, out the window. He holds onto the coffee cup on the table
..
...
“Failure.” … “That every risk I ever took was a mistake, is a mistake. That every chance
“That I will wake up one day, and find out that everything I believe to be true is a lie.”
….
“Wake up.”
…………………………………………….
“Originally Yule was a celebration of the winter solstice. Marked by pagan traditions such
as hanging mistletoe, holly, and wreaths. It’s interesting that Christians don’t question the
holiday. The ancient prophet Jeremiah even wrote about the tradition of decorating trees,
Very interesting.
“And while we’re on the subject, take a look at Christ’s name. Yahushua. “Yahovah
Saves.”
“Actually there never was a ‘J’ sound in the name. In fact, there is no ‘j’ sound in the
entire Hebrew language. Why was the letter used in translating Yahovah? Well, the Old
English ‘j’ was actually pronounced like the ‘y’ in ‘yes.’ Thus, when the first Hebrew
Scriptures were translated into English, ‘y’ became ‘j’ (think ‘Hallelujah’). And thus,
Yoseph, Yoshua, Yoel, and Yehovah became Joseph, Joshua, Joel, and Jehovah. We just
And Yahushua? In Hebrew, “Yehovah Saves.” Matthew 1:21 “And you shall call his name
Monty lifts the coffee to his lips with his right hand. Hot, but not too hot, the coffee. He
cups the coffee with his left hand. With his right hand, he reaches for today’s headline.
I don’t care.
The coffee.
Rain. Cars and wet tires through puddles on wet pavement. Wet shoes on wet sidewalk.
Monty is warm.
Wake up.
“Good morning!” The door swings open and some girl - Dani, Jessi, whatever, pretends to
be cheery. “It’s dark in here.” She says, and goes for the light switch.
“That’s better!”
“You’re quiet.”
I’m fine.
“What’s wrong?
Coffee cup in left hand, paper in right hand, a cold and wet reflection, and a pretty, pretty
fake girl.
“Shit.”
I hate my reflection.
I get up. I walk somewhere. I do something. I eat, and then more. Is this me?
“No.” the mirror.
he’s right. My Hugo Boss, my BMW, my Jim Carrey, Budweiser, Gillette. Everything I
What is me?
I think women look in the mirror and see all the things they hate. They see their fears.
Their problems. Their lack. When women look in the mirror, they see everything they
When we look in the mirror, we see our hero. We see Superman. We see Jesus, we see
They look in the mirror and see everything they want to get rid of.
Hope.
Walk into a Gold’s. A wall full of mirrors. I believe that wall of mirrors is Gold’s single
Hope. An interesting concept. Not want, not need, not have, not be. Not know.
It could lead a man to give his fortune, his life. It could lead a man to sin, or to stop
sinning.
You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.
“Have a drink.” My reflection. My hero. Me, but better. Who I could be. He is risk, He is
hope.
And I am fear. He is who I could be, and I am the inhibitions that hold me back.
I am you.
“You’re walking down the road one day,
Or perhaps He did,
-the mirror.
Pretty things, women. Growing up in church I always heard things like “He who finds a
wife finds a good thing.” And “It’s not good that Man should be alone.” And understood
that all good little Christians got married. “Singles” were a group to pity, and “reach out”
to. They banded together until two by two, they found each other, and their happily ever
after.
I doubt any of those men ever met my reflection. If they had, they would have heard
I Corinthians 7:7 “I wish all men were as I am,” and Matthew 19:10, where Jesus’
disciples come to the realization that “it is better not to marry at all” than to be stuck with
You’d think Christians would question themselves once in a while. You’d think Christians
“Fuck you.”
Maybe later.
When I was about 15 or 16, I remember going with my dad down to Las Vegas. The
lights, the colors… the women. Porn lining the streets. The card pushers and magicians
and fake looking fake buildings inside fake looking real buildings. Monstrous screens
projecting fake looking people with big, fake smiles. I remember driving away, looking
I remember wondering how any sane person could sit at a machine, shoving quarter after
quarter, dollar after dollar, just dropping them into a faceless hole. “How could people be
Steve is my second cousin. I’ve always known who he was, but last year I got a job
working with him, and finally got a chance to get to know him.
Steve is a gambler. He likes to figure odds, and then bet on them. Anything, really, but his
favorite is the lottery. I’d watch him buy card after card, each loser an embarrassment, and
each winner an example of his “skill.” I used to wonder if he really believed skill had
I’ve always thought Steve would make a great missionary. I was probably 10 when I heard
he was going to Bible school, and I thought “Oh good, he’s gonna do it!” He’s an
adventurer at heart, and he loves risk. He loves to teach people how to manage their lives
better, and tell stories. Here was true potential. And now, this.
He talks about gambling like it’s as real as life itself. “Man, I was sooo close to winning
that one. I should’ve went with my instincts.” Like that would change it. It seems so
pathetic. So needy.
We switch back to Monty. Back to you. Sitting there in an easy chair reading. Something.
Anything to get your mind off the fact that your life is turning to total shit right before
your eyes. Except I’m not here to help you forget about you.
I am you.
drawing lots, straws. Pick a card. Roll the dice. Flip a coin.”
Steve.
30 years old. Stuck in a boring job. Pretty wife, good friends, no life. Bored, and desperate
for some kind of challenge, some kind of risk, some kind of excitement.
Just enough excitement to keep his mind off the fact that his life needs change. Just
enough risk to satisfy that incessant desire deep within his soul to be free. To be Man.
“God is a gambler.”
To gamble. To give your best, and hope it’s good enough. To face fear.
To have faith.
Steve has faith in his ability to win. He risks his money and pride because of that belief.
“God has faith in humanity. He risked Yahushua and His love because of that belief.”
Peter had faith in his ability to follow God, and God’s ability to hold him up. He walked
on water.
How do you kill a giant? How do you walk on water? How do you tackle your
insecurities?
“take a gamble.”
“God is a perpetual gambler. Take Job, for instance. Satan just went to see what’s up, and
God was looking for a challenge. Satan called, the bet was on.
God said to Adam “Eat anything you want, except that fruit riiight there.”
To gamble. To risk.
Excitement.
For 2,000 years, God’s church was the Jews. The Hebrew nation His people. For over
1,500 years, that was exciting. But something happened. The Jews started focusing too
much on rules and laws. They began to sacrifice the risk - the excitement - that God loves,
for the surety and ease of knowledge and doctrine. It got so boring, 400 years of history
He set us free…
Free indeed.
Haha…
changed. I saw the same fake buildings and fake smiles, fake breasts and fake love, fake
Me.
As I walked past all those lost people, I began to realize I no longer felt sorry for them. I
was no longer wishing they were better. In fact, I no l onger f el t bet t er t han t hem.
“And now?”
Look at all these people searching. Look at all these people hoping. Look at all these
people trying.
To me it was a symbol.
I always thought we gave, because we were better than sinners. We gave to prove
ourselves blessed.
Here, these people believed they were blessed, and they gave to receive their blessings.
Take a gamble.”
I can’t quite predict his words, but I’m pretty sure I won’t
like them.
Jesus, the cross, a dove. The Bible. All my life I’ve seen these symbols, worshipped them.
Blindly, I’ve followed Pastor Bob, Dr. James, Mother Theresa. Too sure they knew the
answers, to ask for my own. Too content with the church’s doctrine to seek any of my
own. Too scared to knock on doors for fear of what was on the other side. Now here I
am, on my own.
No you’re not.
“What you have to do is figure out what I symbolize. Yes, I am you minus your
inhibitions. Yes, I am who you could be, would be, and can be. I am who you want to be.
“Passion...
Hope.”
“Look deeper.”
freedom.
“Freedom.”
And who are you?
You, the fucker reading right now. You. Who are you?
You don’t even know what I mean when I say that, do you. You have no idea why I don’t
Alright. Do you believe the Bible is the only inspired and written Word of God? Of course
you do. You don’t even have to answer. If you’re a Christian, you believe it. It’s in every
Well let’s take a look at that little fact, shall we? Of course we shall.
Read on.
In the beginning, God created the what? Heavens and the earth. Right. And the Word was
with God, and the Word what? WAS God. In law this is called a ‘definition,’ and it’s used
to show a word’s meaning implied throughout the document in which the word is used.
Word with a capital ‘W’ equals God. God is Word, Word is God. Got it?
Alright.
Now let me ask you. How many times have you heard something like “Let’s turn to the
Word,” or “read from the Word.”? How many? You don’t know, do you. Too many.
Even a five-year-old could point out the misinterpretation here. The “Word” is God, right?
The Word is His Spirit. Him. His livelihood. Who He Is. God’s Word lit the universe and
calmed the seas. Before the world was, God is, and His Word is.
There is a very obvious fundamental difference between a spirit and a written document.
2+2 = 4 not Jonathan Taylor, ‘Word’ means ‘God’ not ‘Bible.’ Never once in the entire
document is the document itself referred to as the “Word.” The “Word” is a formal title
Of course, you’re going to argue that the Bible is God’s Holy Communication in it’s
entirety. I know you will, I’ve heard it before. You’re not the first you. However, I may be
the first me, and so I doubt you’ve ever really, truly, honestly considered what I’m about
When was the Bible finished? When did it all come together?
Actually that’s an interesting story. It would seem as though it was all done a few years
after Yahushua died, rose again, and ascended into Heaven, right? Anyone who didn’t
know the story might easily assume that, based on the way we talk about it. Obviously it is
untrue. In fact, it wasn’t until c. 170 AD that a guy named Melito, Bishop of Sardis (an
ancient city of Asia Minor), produced the first ‘Christian’ attempt at even an Old
Testament canon. He basically copied the Jewish Septuagint, only leaving out Esther.
In 360 AD… three hundred and sixty… the council of Laodicea produced the first New
The council of Hippo finally chose which books the Roman Catholic church would accept.
However … …you know what… Fuck it. I could go on all day proving to you how
fucked up your beliefs are, but what’s the point? So what if you believe me, you’ll be no
better off than you are right now believing someone else’s lies. Yes, it’s true that most of
what you believe to be core “Christian” doctrine is complete shit, but that doesn’t matter.
What matters is what you’re doing with it. I don’t mean youth groups and “outreach.” I
don’t mean Bible studies and prayer circles. You’ve got that covered.
I mean passion.
I mean risk.
I mean gambling.
Christians have made an idol out of Paul. Why? Because Paul is safe. We know what Paul
was like, because he had rules for everything. Paul never messed up, because he followed
the rules.
Peter was dangerous. Peter lived life on the edge. He liked to push himself, and take risks.
Safe?
Dangerous
Interesting
Boring.
Unpredictable
Predictable.
I find it interesting that Yahushua chose Peter’s
revelation as the ‘rock’ on which the entire Christian church was to be built.
I also find it interesting that the entire Christian church is built on Paul’s teachings.
We all know the words Yahushua spoke as he lifted a sunken Peter out the sea.
Job.
Moses.
Or such a delicious
gamble.
I bet if Peter were alive right now, he’d be skydiving. Or he’d be in Africa feeding starving
inhibitions.
Paul would be making more rules, to make sure you don’t end up like me.
I’d be hanging out with Peter.
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So what now?
Most people get to this point of a book, make a mental assessment of the story thus far,
and decide - maybe subconsciously - what the ending will be. It’s called assuming, and it
happens even without their acknowledgement. It is your mind trying to assert control on
But here, there is no definite story. There are no definite characters. In fact, there may
If you were smart, you would realize this, and stop reading.
I’ll just tell you right now. There is no purpose at all to this book.
Of course, I might be lying.
You don’t know the future, and you want to, so you are still reading. You’re not risking
There. Feel that? You’re changing. By tomorrow you’ll be burning churches and starting
revolutions.
Read on.
Acts chapter 1 verse 26. The man who replaced Judas to become the new twelfth apostle
Acts chapter 10. Cornelius, a Roman officer became the first non-Jewish Christian
condoned by an apostle, approximately ei ght year s after Yahushua’s death. And you
In Matthew 15:26, Yahushua calls Gentiles “dogs” and answered a Gentile woman’s plea
for help with “God sent me only to the lost sheep of Israel.” When He sent out the
apostles to spread the ‘good news,’ He told them in Matthew 10:5 “Don’t go to the
Gentiles, or to anywhere the Samaritans live. But go to the people of Israel, the lost
sheep.” Interesting, isn’t it? Of course if Yahushua taught this way, it might make the
other apostle’s response to Peter’s dealings with Cornelius a little more understandable.
Acts 11:1-3 “The apostles and the believers in Judea heard that some who were not Jewish
had accepted God’s teaching too (remember, this is approximately ei ght year s after the
Christ’s ascension and the alleged ‘Great Commission’ in which Yahushua supposedly
sent the apostles to “all the world”). But when Peter came to Jerusalem, some people
argued with him. They said “You went to the homes of people who were not circumcised
and ate with them??” Peter, the rock on which Christ’s church was to be built, defending
So when did everything change? How is it that the Messiah is now the Savior of the
I’ll tell you what happened. Jesus. The greatest invention of mankind. The perfect man -
half God, half human. Never made a mistake, always did the right thing. Stronger than a
And we are willing to throw away everything to keep that dream - that Hero.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, allow me to present… Sar Shalom. the Prince of Peace.
Peace.
Tranquility.
Amity.
A cordial disposition.
to bring peace, but a sword. I came to turn a son against his father, a
mother-in-law. A person’s enemies will be members of his own family.” Sar Shalom really
How greatly we underestimated our Hero. To see Him as a peaceable nice guy, dolling out
We were so naïve.
No, Yahushua was a Jew, totally and completely. He was a Jew, and believed like a Jew.
He was King of the Jews. He created Jews, loved Jews, ministered to Jews, and preached
Judaism to… Jews. …Think about it. He talked in the Jewish Temple and read out of the
Jewish scrolls to who? Jews. Even the ‘sinners’ with whom Yahushua ate and made
Of course. What else would “lost sheep of the house of Israel” refer to?
…You’re changing.
I like it.
So Yahushua was a Jew. In fact, He was the culmination of everything Jewish. He was the
full representation of God’s intimate relationship with His Jews. God became onewith the
Jews, in Every way. Now God could truly Give His Kingdom to His People.
“for God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever
So loved you.
you.
you.
That He gambled His only Son away, so that you might believe.
you.
Yes, but…
John 1:11 “He came unto His own, and His own received Him not.”
That’s why when the Samaritan woman embraced Yahushua’s put-down and replied
“True, Lord. So, the dogs delight to eat the crumbs that fall from their master’s table,”
Yahushua said “Woman, you have extraordinary faith. I will do what you ask.”
And when the officer from Capernaum came to see if Yahushua would heal his servant,
Yahushua said “This is the greatest faith I have found, even in Israel.”
Over and over Yahushua refers to His People as faithless hypocrites. Over and over
How many Gentiles do you know that go to church week after week, ready to accept
anything the preacher wishes to say? How many Gentiles do you know that believe the
We are Superman.
We are Jesus.
We are risk.
We are hope.
Alright, I think you’re ready for what I was about to tell you about the so called ‘Holy
Bible.’
Haha…
Prepare to be changed.
360 AD. The first rough assembly of what we now call the ‘only inspired and written
Word of God.’
My question: when did God say He quit inspiring people to write His words?
Many people point to Revelation 22:18, where John writes “If anyone adds anything to
these words, God will add to that person the disasters written about in this book.” It
seems to make sense, because it’s close to the end of our little assembly of old writings,
and seems like a good closing command. The problem, of course, is the fact that this was
written three hundred years before anyone had the notion that the Law, Prophets, Psalms
and Proverbs, Gospels, Letters, and other writings needed to be put together. Obviously,
John wasn’t talking about everyone else’s writings, or even his own previous writings. He
That’s it. So, if John didn’t command God to stop inspiring the writing of scripture, then
who did?
You did.
When you raised your ‘Bible’ in the air and chanted “This is my Bible. The only inspired
and written Word of God. I will believe what it says, and follow what it teaches. This is
my guide. It will lead me closer to God. I will keep it close to my heart and meditate on
In neuro-linguistic programming lingo, this is called “anchoring.” You use words to induce
a feeling or emotion, while allowing your subconscious mind to associate that feeling with
the awareness of an object (the anchor) - in this case a book. Thus, whenever the object -
or the anchor - is brought into your awareness, those same feelings will seem natural.
So, when I say ‘In Hebrews 1:11,’ you automatically open yourself up to whatever is
Over and over you’ve told God “No, I won’t let You inspire people to write Scripture.
Over and over you’ve told God “I will decide who You are, what You say, and how You
say it, and if You go against my wishes I won’t believe it’s You.”
If God ever wanted to open Himself up to a Gentile, it would not be you. It coul d not be
you.
Here is what you are going to do: Tell God you’re sorry. Tell Him “I’m sorry I’ve limited
Who You could be in my life - how You could speak to me. I’m sorry I closed my heart
and my mind off to Your Holy Communication. God, I now ask that You will forgive me,
because I didn’t know I was doing it. I ask that You Yourself show me Who You are, and
how You want to speak to me. Even if You decide to be a cucumber, and write Your
Scripture through my best friend Luke, I will follow You, God, and I will believe. Like the
gamble You made when You sent Yahushua to set this world free, I now gamble away my
Thank You.”
Thank you.
How does it feel? Scary? It should be a little scary, because if God really does turn out to
be a cucumber and write Scripture through your best friend Luke, you’re going to feel
pretty silly.
And I bet you would have screamed at me if I told you gambling was good for you, before
Haha…
want to know something funny? I’ve neuro-linguistically programmed you to feel a touch
What’s even funnier, is that even though you now know this, I can heighten your
experience simply by telling you, you’re going to start feeling these feelings grow.
In fact, every time you see me laugh, you will feel this intrigue grow to double. Like this:
Haha…
And this:
Haha…
And now you just can’t wait to turn the page.
It’s dark, that kind of dark that makes you wish something was different.
Stop.
Something is different.
Look.
Nothing.
Listen.
quiet.
quiet.
listen:
breathe slow
breathe slow
gamble
nothing
kitchen
nothing knife
slowly, slowly,
living room
nothing
bedroom
nothing
the mirror.
…Listen. You can’t stay here. You changed my life, ok great. Now go away. This is my
Fuck you.
“kiss me.”
I am crazy.
“kiss me.”
no.
“embrace me.”
I AM you.
I am.
“look at me.”
I am.
“do you know who I am?”
how?
“touch me.”
“kiss me.”
“kiss me.”
why?
“why not?”
Gamble.
Go out on a limb.
“kiss me.”
You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.
“kiss me.”
Alone, in your house, and you can’t do it.
You’ve never done it before.
You’re holding a knife.
What do you have to lose?
Fear.
Let go.
You’re David.
You’re Sparta.
Why? Because you can. Because you’re fucked up. Because you’re a heathen dog.
You want to try, and fail. You want to run, and lose. You want to die.
But before you do, you want to live.
Draw a straw.
Pick a card.
You are Monty Grace. You are Jack Sparrow. You are Joseph. You are Jesus.
This is beauty.
This is balance.
Take it off.
Let go.
Let go.
Let go.
“come.”
Why.
nothing.
nothing.
Breathing.
“embrace me.”
I amyou.
I am.
“kiss me.”
I am.
Cold, the glass.
And wet.
the END.
My I nf l uences:
Books:
God’s Debris
God is a Gambler
Peopl e:
King David
Apostle Peter
Mike
Movi es:
Fight Club
Instinct