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009 08 December 2011 Assessment Essay My original essay explicated Siegfried Sassoons 1917 sonnet Glory of Women which contrasted the selfish desires of women to the reality of war. I organized my paper in the order of how the lines of the poem were presented with my first body paragraph dissected the first eleven lines while my second body paragraph interpreted the remaining three lines. Because I literally interpreted line for line for both of my essays, my line of logic was very unclear and had several holes, something I noticed when rereading my essay. My Big Idea, Little Idea, and topic sentences all had weak neutral verbs that didnt take a definite position, a problem I realized I had to fix first when revising. In order to detect these problems, I reread my essay out loud which also helped me fix the many grammatical errors. In my revised essay, I still kept the same Big Idea, but I explained it more clearly and concisely. Instead of using the verb contrasts in my first sentence which felt too weak, I used the verb lashes which makes it obvious that Sassoon is criticizing women in particular. Similarly, I strengthened the verbs in my topic sentences and Little Idea, replacing, for example, establish with criticize and sum up with pities. I also rewrote my Little Idea which interprets the last three lines as a way for Sassoon to show his pity for the same women who do not understand the brutality of war. These strong verbs define Sassoons position exactly. I still organized my paper by splitting my body paragraphs to first interpret the first eleven lines and then the last three. Instead of interpreting line after line in order, I picked the most important
Zhang 2 C23 ones, interpreted them, and then put them in a certain order so that they would strengthen my argument as each line of textual evidence was presented. To further fill in the holes of logic in my original essay, I rewrote vague statements into more specific descriptions. Overall my revised essay is shorter but much more concisely written with less vague descriptions and more strong, non-passive verbs choices.