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5/24/12

The Alternative Guide To Eurovision 2012 | Music | Sabotage Times

Reportage|Music|ByDanSwinhoe|Posted22May2012

TheAlternativeGuideToEurovision2012
EverythingyouneedtoknowaboutEurovision,fromaMontenegrinnamedRambo,aSan MarinoodetocybersexandourveryownEngelbert'TheHump'Humperdinck...

GetyourflagsoutitsEurovisiontimeagain.MuchliketheOlympics,Eurovisionisfullofnational pride,longperiodsofcrapandafewbriefmomentsofglory.MostlyinvolvingTerryWogansone liners. NooneknowswhywestillcareaboutEurvision,orhaveparties,ortakesuchoffencewhenwesend shitsongsandcomelast.Butwedo,andweenjoythechancetomockourfriendsonthemainlanda bitmorethanusualforonenight.Ifpossible,alwaysincludeadrinkinggame. Asanationwealwayssendovercrimesagainstmusic,andthisyearisntmuchdifferent.Butwhat abouttheopposition?EveronthehuntforthenextAbba,heresarundownofthetalentonshow. Semis1: Montenegro: RamboAmadeus:EuroNeuro ApparentlyaacultfigureoftheExYugoslavmusicsceneandcreatorofTurbofolk,Rambo Amadeuslookslikeahobo,ridesadonkeyandsoundsawful.ImagineJeanRenorappingovera funkybeat,withsomeeasternstringsplayinginthebackground. Greece: EleftheriaEleftheriou:Aphrodisiac TheimpendingdoomofGreecesfinanceshaveclearlyhadanimpactontheproductionvalues.The previewvideoisalivedubrecordedinwhatlookslikeanabandonedshoppingcentre,thecrowdis probablytherioterstryingtolootitbeforetheyburnitdown.WiththeinspiredlyricsOhohahohoh,You
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5/24/12

The Alternative Guide To Eurovision 2012 | Music | Sabotage Times

makemedancedancelikeamaniac,Ohohahohoh,Youmakemewantyouraphrodisiac,Greece mightbedoingaFatherTedandtryingtheirbestnottowintosavemoney. Latvia: Anmary:BeautifulSong Winnersin2002,Latviaawaysenterwithasenseofmisplacedoptimism.EssentiallyAnmaryis singingaboutwinningEurovisionandhangingoutwithMickJaggerandPaulMacCartney.Standard popwithacatchyhook,thepreviewvideohasallthequalityofa70slocalcinemaadvert. Albania: RonaNishliu:Suus Ronassowild,shehasdreadlocks.ShesalsoafamouspopsingerinAlbania,Kosovo,Macedonia andMontenegroandadevotedexperimentaljazzmusician.Inrealitythatallmeansshehasareally artyvideothatmakesnosense,butshehasanimpressivevoiceandthesongletsherdoallthehard work.Possiblecontenderforactuallywinningpoints. ApparentlyaacultfigureoftheExYugoslavmusicsceneandcreatorofTurbofolk, RamboAmadeuslookslikeahobo,ridesadonkeyandsoundsawful. Switzerland: Sinplus:Unbreakable Twowinsin50attemptsmustbeenoughheartbreakingenoughtomakeanySwissputneutralityon hold.Despitetheshithaircutsandleadsingerslookofslightconstipationthroughout,Sinplussound abitliketheKillersbeforetheywentallfeathershoulderpads.Prettydecent. Finland: Pernilla:NrJagBlundar Afterwinningin2006withLordisclassicHardRockHalleluja,Finlandhavedecidednottowinthis year.InsteadofsendingZombieRockmonsters,theyveoptedforPernilla,avanillalookinggirlwitha windmachineandcellist.Veryverydull. Israel: Izabo:Time ThreetimewinnerIsraelsendIazbo.ThevideoisaCoulrophobiacscircusnightmare.Acampguitar ledmidpacednumberthatstandsoutfornotsoundinglikeeveryotherEurovisionsongever.Pretty goodandhopefullyshoulddowell. SanMarino: ValentinaMonetta:TheSocialNetworkSong(OhOhUhOhOh) Mypersonalfavourite.WhatstartsoutasanicesongaboutFacebookendsupbeinganodetocyber sex.WithlyricslikeWeusedtogreetfriendsonthestreet,Butnowitsgooglinggigglinggaggling, theyveessentiallyenteredsomethingtorivalRebeccaBlacksFridayintermsofquality.Itsonlythe thirdtimetheyveentered,andbookieshavethemdeadlast,butboundforYoutubeGold. Cyprus: IviAdamou:LaLaLove PreviouslyaGreekXFactorentreewithaNo.1alreadytohernamethere,LaLaLaLovemayhave
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5/24/12

The Alternative Guide To Eurovision 2012 | Music | Sabotage Times

oneofthemostodioussongnamesinthecompetitionbutitscatchysynthbeatmeanitshouldrackup asolidpointsscore. Denmark: SolunaSamay:ShouldveKnownBetter Herbiosaysshewasoriginallyabusker,andforasecondyouthinkDenmarkmightvesenttheir equivalentofSeasickSteve,butwithmoreteethandhair.Sadlynot,butShouldveKnownBetterisa good,soulfulsongthatevencomeswithxylophone. Russia: BuranovskiyeBabushki:PartyForEverybody Agroupoffolksinginggranniesallintheirseventieswhoenduppartyingtheirarsesoff(asmuchas theycanwithoutbreakingahip),Russiamightvestruckgoldwiththisidea.Wevebeentreatedtothis kindofthingonBritainsGotTalentforawhile,butthosepeskyRussianshavetakenitonestep further. Austria: Trackshittaz:WokiMitDeimPopo TrackshiitazrepresenttheirowngenreTractorgangsterpartypop.Ihavenoideawhatthatmeans, butitsoundsitsoundsawful,liketwopissheadsdoingkaraokeofasongtheydontknowthelyrics too.Somehowtheyveaccumulatedgoldandplatinumrecords,soyouneverknow.Youvegotto wonderiftheyhidShitinthenameonpurpose. Ireland: Jedward:Waterline Yes,Irelandswalkingadvertisementforsterilisationandinfanticidereturnforthesecondyear running.Iflastyearsentrywasntshitenoughtheyvemanagedatleasttoequalit.Amazingthey haventbeentriedinthehagueforcrimesagainsthumanity.ClearlyIrelandaredoingalltheycannot towin. Despitetheshithaircutsandleadsingerslookofslightconstipationthroughout,Sinplus soundabitliketheKillersbeforetheywentallfeathershoulderpads. Semis2: Netherlands: JoanFranka:YouAndMe RememberhowtheDutchhaveareallyclosebondwithnativeAmericansandAmericanamusic?No, meneither.ButinJoanFrankatheythinktheyvefoundacountrystar.Eurovisionlovedressup,and itsprettycatchysong Sweden: Loreen:Euphoria Thebookiesfavouritebyamile.Apoppytechnonumberwithsomequestionabledancing,butthe kindofsongEurovisionloves.ItsalreadybeenabigsmashintheSwedishchartsandneighbouring countries,whichisalwaysaboostforasongschances. Georgia:
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5/24/12

The Alternative Guide To Eurovision 2012 | Music | Sabotage Times

AnriJokhadze:ImAJoker IfSachaBaronCohenwastoenterEurovision,itwouldsoundsomethinglikethis.Alittlebitopera,a littlebitdisco,andverycamp.Lotsofglitterandoutfitchanges.IwonderifallGeorgiansarelikethis? Slovakia: MaxJasonMai:DontCloseYourEyes Slovakiaisntexactlyknownforitsmetal,butfairplaytothemastheyveactuallyenteredadecent littlerockerinMax.Achuggyversewithachorus30SecondsToMarswouldbeproudof. Turkey: CanBonomo:LoveMeBack Turkeyusuallyoffersomethingabitdifferent,andthisyeartheyveenteredahiphopgypsysailor.Its asgoodasitsounds,andoneofthefewactsthatisnttakingitselftooseriously.Oneofthemost memorablesongsinthecompetition. GuaranteedFinalists UK: EngelbertHumperdinck:LoveWillSetYouFree Whodoyouturntowhenyouwanttosucceed?Anoldcroonerwhohasntbeeninthechartsinforty years.LoveWillSetYouFreewaswrittenbyoneofthepeoplebehindJamesBluntsYoure BeautifulandsoundslikeasongfromaDisneyfilm,butbignamesdowell.AndrewLloydWebber managedatopfivefinishin2009andbookieshavethe76yearoldHumperdinckvyingforthetop spot.BesthopeallofEuropesundersexedoctogenarianscomeoutandvoteonthenight. Italy: NinaZilli:LAmoreFemmina(OutOfLove) TheItalians,whethertheyrealiseitornot,havesentwhatlooksandsoundslikeanAmyWhinehouse tributeact.Luckyforthem,shesoundsjustasgoodasourversionandthesongisarealquality soul/motownnumber,withmanypredictinghertowin. Germany: RomanLob:StandingStill AnotherwinnerofsomeTVtalentshow,Romansoundsalotlikethescript,orthewanted,oranyof thoseotherbandsthattrytheirhardesttoborethepantsoffyou. FollowDanSwinhoeonTwitter:@DanSwinhoe ClickhereformoreMusicstories ClickheretofollowSabotageTimesonTwitter ClickheretofollowSabotageTimesonFacebook
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