5/27/12

The Eurovision 2012 Overview: Cyber Sex, Fireworks and Grannies | Music | Sabotage Times

Reportage|Music|ByDanSwinhoe|Posted27May2012

TheEurovision2012Overview:CyberSex,Fireworksand Grannies
TheEurovisionCrownhasbeenfoughtforandwonforanotheryear,obviouslynotbytheUK.Here'sthefullrundown...

Flag?Check,Lederhosen?Check?VariousAlcoholsofEurope?CheckandCheck.Eurovisionpartyisreadytogo.Stickingstrictlyto EurovisonDrinkingruleswiththesubtitlesonforthosepeskyforeignlanguagesongs,thenightissetforthedaddyofallmusic contests. IntheopeningcommentaryGrahamNorton,stillknownasnotTerryWoganatthistimeofyear,nicelysidesteppedtheissueof humanrights,butdidslipinhowvariouslocalshadbeenforcedouttomakeroomforthenewvenuebuiltspeciallyforthecontest. ShamehedidntbothertomournforallthequalityactswhodidntmakeitthroughincludingSlovikiasMetallicMaxJasonMai,San MarinosodetoCybersex,andMontenegroshoboonadonkey,RamboAmadeus. FirstupwastheHump.Stridingoutontothestagelikeacolossus,hegaveithisall.Therewasdancing,fireworks,abitofpointing andastrongvocalperformance,butintheend,Englebertwaspastittwentyyearsago.Asafespanishballadmayhavewoninthe seventies,butnottoday. Oftheearlybunch,itwasLithuaniawhostoodoutthemost.Asidefromtheoverliteralmetaphor(ThesongsclledLoveIsBlind,so clearlythesingerhastowearablindfold)thefunkdancinganddiscobeatimpressivenearbyladiesandmenwithoutanysenseof rhythm. Russiadefinitelyliveneduptheshowabit.Tippedtobesurprisewinners,theseGrannieshaditallthecostumes,thelook,thetoken extrasmalloldladyandasobstorytogowithit(raisingmoneytopayforrebuildingworktothelocalchurchStalintoredown),hard nottolovethem.Questionablebakerypropaside,theygaveiteverythingtheirlittlebodieshadinthem,andseveralmembersofthe roomquicklyheadedtotheinternettodownloadwhatisnowthemostfamousRussianmusicalactinhistory. ThesmalldressandsuggestivedancingtypesfromCyprusandGreece,andthenalargeamountofpossibledragor trannyactswithquestionablylowvoices.Ukraine,Macedeonia,France,werelookingatyou. IcelandhadtheunluckyprivilegeoffollowingonfromtheGrannies.Hardforanyone,buttheymadetaskalotmoredifficultfor themselveswithasongNightwishwouldbeproudofandfarmoresuitedtothetheatre.RoundsofPartyforeverybodycouldbe heardduringtheviolinsolo. TheresseemedtobeatrendamongthewomenofEurovisionthisyear.Theygenerallyfallwithinthecategoryofslightlyoddvampire queensonesasseenbyAlbaniaandBosnia.ThesmalldressandsuggestivedancingtypesfromCyprusandGreece,andthena largeamountofpossibledragortrannyactswithquestionablylowvoices.Ukraine,Macedeonia,France,werelookingatyou. Italyweresurprisinglygood,evenifAmyWhinehousecomparisons/accusationsofplagiarismarefair.Classysongandvocals,and alongwithSwedenoneyoucouldactuallyimaginehittingthecharts. PraiseswerebeinglaiduponRomania,withextrabrowniepointsbeingawardedforamoonwalkingbagpipeplayer,butthelead singerlookingtotheonlyblackmanonstageandbeckoninghimtowardsherasmysweetchocolateboydefinitelydidntgodown
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The Eurovision 2012 Overview: Cyber Sex, Fireworks and Grannies | Music | Sabotage Times

verywell.JustbecauseyoureeasternEuropeandoesntmakeittorefertopeopleaschocolateboy. TheinbetweenshotsshowedallthatthegreatnationofAzerbaijanhadtoofferCulture,Dancing,Localcostumes,Tea,Horsesand, er,Carpets.Usingthesamethreeshotsofthecapitalcityoverandoverplusafewshotsofthelocalsisntthebestadvertisementof yourcountrytotheworld,butnevermind.Backtothedrinking! Spainhadalreadygoneonrecordassayingtheycouldntaffordtohostitnextyear,andyoucantimagineGreecewouldeither.On theshowofthings,itdidntseemlikeabigissue,Spainofferingaverymiddleoftheroadfemalefrontednumber,whileGreecerelied heavilyonshortskirtsandsexydancing(WasthatbooingfromthecrowdattheendofGreecesperformance?).Thoughcertaintrolls atthepartythoughtitdbealaughifeveryonevotedforthem,teachthemsomesortofeconomiclesson. PraiseswerebeinglaiduponRomania,withextrabrowniepointsbeingawardedforamoonwalkingbagpipeplayer,butthelead singerlookingtotheonlyblackmanonstageandbeckoninghimtowardsherasmysweetchocolateboydefinitelydidntgodown verywell. Jedward.ForFuckssake.Ihopetheirparentsareashamedofwhattheybroughtintotheworld.Butontheplusside,when youreonlyexpectingtwoIrishprickstocommitcrimesagainstmusic,theyalwaysdeliver. Swedenputinagoodshift,thebookiesfavouriteshowedupwithaprofessionalsongthatsalreadybeenastorminthecharts,and despitetheKungFudancingitwasactuallyadecentperformance.ComparethattoHumpadinkandthenguesswhichoneisinthe racefor12points. TherewasnothingmemorableaboutEstonia,butaccordingtosomescribblynotesthewomenoftheparty(andoneofthemenwitha girlfriend)decidedtheywouldntkicktheguyoutofbed.Alsothedecisionwasmadethathewassingingaboutthebenefitsofgravy andchips,justtobrightenupwasoneofthemostdireperformancesofthenight. Jedward.ForFuckssake.Ihopetheirparentsareashamedofwhattheybroughtintotheworld.Butontheplusside,whenyoure onlyexpectingtwoIrishprickstocommitcrimesagainstmusic,theyalwaysdeliver.AfterthedisasterofIreland,thingsbecameabit blurry,andremainingactsgenerallyfeltlikethoseobscurecountriesandprincipalitiesyouonlyeverhereaboutonEurovision.Milton Keynesentryonstagewasexpectedatanyminute. Results: Resultdrinkingrules:Drinkwhenyourchosencountryisgivingtheirscores,gainspoints,istoporbottomofthetable. Somesoberinguptimeduringthevotesandasenseofoptimismwerequicklydashedwith1pointfromthefirst10countries,while FUCKINGIRELANDhadmanagedtorackup6bythispoint.Blockvotingisexpected,andImneveronetobesurprisedorangry aboutitsinceusuallythegoodsongsaverageenoughpointstoplacewheretheydeserve.ButwhenEnglandgivesIreland10points, yourealisehowguiltyweareofit.Wedeservedtoloseforthatreasonalone. TowardstheendpunishmentideasfornotvotingfortheUKwerebeingconcocted,leadingthepackwasbarringfromtheOlympics. OthervotinghighlightsincludethereturnofLordi,andforsomeperplexingreasonSwedenallowingwomanwhosoundslikeshes neverleftWhitechapeltoofferSeerbeeah10points!ontheirbehalf. Albaniadidsurprisinglywell,consideringtheBjorkwannabehadadreadlockgluedtoherchestandsounded,astheguardianputit, thedesperatewailingofawoundedbear.SerbiawontheBronzeaward,whichisshocking,Irememberamiddleagedlooking woman[laterresearchshowsittobeaman]andmynotessimplehavethewordviolinscrawledwhereadetaileddescriptionshould be.ClearlyfollowingonfromJedwardmakesyourperformanceseemaround500%better.Possiblysomethingtonotefornextyear. ShameaboutDenmarkandNorwayfaringsobadly(Norwayhavetheworstrecordinthecompetition,thisistheir11thlastplace)but itsavesourembarrassmentofcominglast.Denmarksonlycrimewascrapcostumes,thesongwasactuallyanalrightNatalie Imbrugliatribute,whileNorwaysToojiwouldbeagoodsupportingactforGeorgeMichael. OverallanothershabbyyearfortheUK.Peoplewillmoanaboutbeingonfirstandblockvoting,buttherootproblemmayliewitha dullsongandaseventyyearoldsinger.Asfortheparty,ourmansupportingSwedenlayinadrunkenstuporinthecornerclutching hisflag,whilethevikingsofDenmarkandNorwaywereholdingbackthetears,lamentingintotheirflagonsofale.Sametimenext year? ReadmoreabouttheEurovisionmadnesshere: Eurovision2012:RussiasBakingGranniesAnd4OtherFavouritesToWin TheAlternativeGuideToEurovision2012 ClickhereformoreMusicstories ClickhereformorestoriesaboutTV&Film ClickheretofollowSabotageTimesonTwitter ClickheretofollowSabotageTimesonFacebook
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The Eurovision 2012 Overview: Cyber Sex, Fireworks and Grannies | Music | Sabotage Times

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