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THE

BOOMER
BIBLE
THE
BOOMER
BIBLE
BYR.ELAIRD

WORKMAN PUBLISHING
NEW YORK
THE NAMES AND ORDER
OF ALL THE
BOOKS OF THE PAST AND PRESENT
TESTAMENTS
The Books of the Past Testament
KINESIS.................... 1 RUSSKIES .................. 181
APES....................... 2 CHINKS .................... 191
NAMES.................... 4 NIPS ....................... 198
GODS...................... 5 OTHERS .................... 207
LIES....................... 8 PSONGS .................... 21O
GyPSIES ................... 14 PSAYINGS .................. 230
MESOPOTAMIANS .......... 15 PSOMETHINGS ............. 247
GREEKS .................... 16 PNOTES .................... 256
ROMANS ................... 26 PSPECIASTES ............... 263
BARBARIANS. . . . . . . . . . . . . .. 33 ADAM ..................... 266
CHRISTIANS. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. 36 CHUCK .................... 285
BUBONITES ................ 40 CARL ...................... 292
GIANTS .................... 41 ZIGGIE ..................... 295
EXPLORERS. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. 49 DAVE ...................... 300
SPICS ...................... 55 AL ......................... 336
FROGS ..................... 62 PAUL ....................... 338
BRITS ...................... 75 FRANKIE & JOHNNY ........ 340
KRAUTS. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. 100, ED ......................... 343
YANKS ..................... 112" JEFFREy ................... 371
BEAKS ..................... l77

The Books of the Present Testament


WILLIE .................... 381 DREXELITES ............... 565
VINNIE .................... 413 BOULEVARDIERS ........... 569
NED ....................... 439 PENNSyLVANIANS .......... 580
IRA ........................ 460 FORGERS .................. 583
EXPLOITS .................. 481 WHARTS ................... 588
HILLITES ................... 505 MAWRITES ................. 592
ANNENBURGHERS .......... 51'4 CENTRALIANS ............. 604
JEFFERSONIANS ............ 525 MALLITES ................. 614
KENSINGTONIANS .......... 531 MAINLINERS ............... 621
SWARTHMORONS ........... 544 BROADSTREETERS .......... 630
HALLITES .................. 559 RATIONALIZATIONS ........ 639

v
The Book of Harrier Brayer
The Harrier Hymnal
THE NAMES AND ORDER
OF ALL THE
BOOKS OF THE PUNK TESTAMENT
BANDS..................... 1 THEy ...................... 21
BOUTS...... ...... ......... 3 YOU ....................... 24
DOUBTS ........... ........ 7 US ......................... 26
RULES..................... 8 WEAPONS .................. 29
BELIEFS .................... 12 WAR ...............••...... 30
ANGELS ................... 16 WAyS ...................... 31

vi
FIRST PREFACE

F or a dedicated scholar of American literature, there can be no more


difficult task than that of introducing an obviously inferior piece of
writing to the reading public. When the situation is further complicated by
the fact that the content and tone of the proffered work seem premeditatedly
designed to offend almost every ethnic, religious, and gender constituency
in the population at large, one is hard-put to know quite how and where to
begin. Nevertheless, extraordinary circumstances have resulted in publica-
tion of the contemptible document that presumes to call itself the Boomer
Bible, and it would be unforgivable to release it to an unwary public without
some explanation. It has therefore fallen to me to write this preface, which
I undertake with a sense of commingled trepidation and outrage that are
unique in my literary experience.
I have determined to begin my unwelcome task with the strongest
possible warning to those readers whose sensitivities are less impervious to
injury than stainless steel. Make no mistake: it is well nigh impossible to
think of a racist (or otherwise ethnocentrist), religious, or sexist slur that is
not enshrined in what passes for the scriptural language of the Boomer
Bible. Nor is this the only offensive element of this work. For it would seem
that the author(s) of the Boomer Bible were resolved from the start to libel
everything they touched, with special malice reserved for all subjects
pertaining to the twentieth century. Indeed, it is quite literally impossible for
any contemporary reader to work his/her way through this assemblage
of bile without encountering mUltiple instances of insults that seem delib-
erately calculated to offend his/her race, his/her religion, his/her profes-
sion, his/her taste in literature and art and music, and/or his/her preferred
lifestyle.
The very fact that such a warning is needed leads inevitably to the
question of what purpose is served by publishing the Boomer Bible at all.
The answer to this question is not an easy one to summarize in simple terms,
however, because it relates to the circumstances under which the Boomer
Bible was purportedly written, as well as the circumstances surrounding
its "discovery." We shall discuss both of these in tum, beginning with an
explanation of what is presently known about the work.
In all probability, the manuscript that gave rise to this volume is almost
exactly ten years old. The original date of publication is given in the epistle
dedicatory as April 19, 1981, and thus far at least, no compelling reason for
disputing this dat(1 has been uncovered. Scientific analysis of the paper and
ink also seems to confirm that the manuscript is at least eight to ten years
vii
FIRST PREFACE

old. That said, however, there is little else about the Boomer Bible that is not
suspect in one way or another, including the identity or identities of its
author(s), the means by which it was allegedly written, and even the
authenticity of the manuscript that has given rise to this volume.
Those who claim to know the truth about this work have declared it the
product of a renegade literary community that was entirely contained in
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, between the years 1979 and 1985. And to be
sure, there is a certain amount of evidence to support this contention. It is
known, for example, that the historic but economically depressed South
Street section of Philadelphia may have served as the base of operations for a
particularly virulent offshoot from the punk music fad of the late 1970s and
early 1980s. Further, there exists some documentation indicating that these
alleged South Street punks considered themselves writers and carried out a
form of vanity publishing to disseminate various works of "punk fiction"
among themselves during the years in question. And perhaps most strik-
ingly, fragmentary records of this so-called punk writing movement do
repeatedly refer to a Boomer Bible written by the collected efforts of the
entire South Street community.
Given this basic context, it is hardly surprising that amateur literati
would regard any manuscript bearing this title as, ipso facto, the work of
South Street's punk writers. Unfortunately for those who would ascribe au-
thorship of the Boomer Bible to this community, however, punk records
make so many extravagant claims as to shed doubt on everything they con-
tain. For example, a variety of punk documents acknowledge that the
overwhelming majority of the South Street community (which, in their
hubris, they renamed "Punk City") could barely read and write in the
early months of 1980. This deficit was supposedly overcome through what
is described as an "orgy of learning" led by a punk king named St. Nuke,
who ruled his subjects with an almost unbelievably primitive legal code.
Called the NukeLaw, the code featured such barbaric anachronisms as duels
to settle civil disputes, trial by combat, public whippings, banishment,
and even sentences of death, although these were allegedly reserved for
outsiders.
Spokespersons for the Philadelphia Police Department deny out of hand
any possibility that such a deviant separate society existed, or ever could
have existed, within the city limits of Philadelphia, and such declarations
are convincingly confirmed by police files, which contain no record of punk
arrests inside "Punk City" for the full four-year period in which they
supposedly held sway on South Street. Although there is record of a gang
war on South Street during the winter of 1979-80, there is no evidence
whatever that punks were involved. Roland Belasco, an acknowledged
expert on Philadelphia gangs, scoffs at the idea that South Street's punk
rockers could have waged a war against any gang in the area: "Not even an
army of punks could stand up to a Philly gang for more than about ten
viii
FIRST PREFACE

minutes," he declared in a recent interview, laughing out loud at the


thought. "The gangs I know would make a punk 'king' eat his crown and
then cut his throat while he was choking on it."
As if all this were not sufficient to cast doubt on the veracity of their self-
history, punk records make the further claim that their writing activities
were carried out with the aid of powerful computers that enabled four or five
members of a "punk writer band" to write together on hand-held input
instruments. The central computer that received this input was allegedly
powerful enough to correct and collate their work into coherent pieces of
writing, and during the effort to write the Boomer Bible, one computer is
reported to have corrected, collated, and edited the work of two thousand
writers into a finished work that punk proponents believe to be reduplicated
in this book.
On the face of it, all of this is absurd. Despite its grievous flaws, the
manuscript that appears in this book could not have been written by
semiliterate children, no matter how many computers they had. There is no
official record (outside of the delusionary self-histories referenced above)
that such a community ever existed in the first place. There is no official
confirmation that ,punk "stars" mentioned in the Boomer Bible manu-
script-including St. Nuke, Alice Hate, and Johnny Dodge-ever lived in
Philadelphia or anywhere else. Indeed, the only possible connection be-
tween Punk City and official records concerns the band known as the
Shuteye Train, although the discrepancies between police files and punk
documents simply could not be any greater than they are on this point.
For example, the punks claim that the Shuteye Train consisted of four
individuals named Loco Dantes, Reedy Weeks, Pig Millions, and Joe Kay.
These four were Sl;lid to be quite literally immortal: they were believed to
represent "the inv,ncible heart of Punk City," although even punk docu-
ments concede that they never lived on South Street and visited only rarely.
Police files depict the Shuteye Train in wholly different terms: as a
syndicate consisting of four loosely connected criminal organizations that
heisted huge quantities of both drugs and cash from drug dealers throughout
the Middle Atlantic states. Over a five-year period in the early 1980s,
numerous arrests were made of alleged Shuteye Train functionaries, al-
though no confessions of such tie-ins were ever upheld in court. Ultimately,
according to anonymous but reputable police sources, federal drug enforce-
ment organizations designed a sting operation that apparently put the
Shuteye Train organization out of business for good in 1984.
And where does all this leave us? There is, to put it simply, no proof of
any kind that a community of "punk writers" occupied South Street in the
sense, or on the scale, we are asked to believe. Consequently, the mere
mention of a "Bqomer Bible" in otherwise suspect records cannot be
accepted as evidence that punks wrote the manuscript reproduced in this
book.
ix
FIRST PREFACE

Thus we are presented with a distasteful piece of bad writing that has no
confirmed historical existence. And it is being published. Why?
I can only speak for my own involvement in this affair. It is true that an
esteemed colleague (who understandably prefers not to have his name used
in connection with this project) recently asked me to review a small trove of
documents and artifacts that were found buried in the general vicinity of
South Street. It is true that such of these documents as have been safely
restored from the considerable weather damage they sustained suggest that a
"punk writing movement" was documented, regardless of whether or not it
ever existed in reality. Further, it is true that I have examined individual
"punk" documents as they have been restored in order to determine whether
or not they contained anything of literary value or interest.
To date, I must declare that nothing of literary value or interest has been
evident in the materials submitted to my attention. If there is a Boomer Bible
manuscript in the trove, I have not yet seen it or heard of it. Moreover, I am
not yet satisfied in any respect that the whole business, including this book
and the trove itself, is not simply some clever fraud that is being perpetrated
by practical jokers of immense arrogance.
As I understand it, the manuscript that is supposed to be the Boomer Bible
was mysteriously conveyed by parties unknown to a free-lance tabloid
journalist whose greatest previous claim to fame was a book predicting a
UFO invasion of the planet Earth. This "journalist" now asserts that some
deliberate effort is being made by the "academic-intellectual establish-
ment" to suppress all knowledge of South Street's punk writers, due (if I
understand properly) to some attribute of the Boomer Bible manuscript that
people like myself are deemed to consider threatening in some way.
Despite this rather odd sponsorship, Workman Publishing has decided to
proceed with publication of the so-called Boomer Bible manuscript. As it
has been explained to me, Workman takes no position on the authenticity of
the manuscript and is publishing the work because the "idea" of a defunct,
phantom literary movement is "intriguing." While I cannot share this
viewpoint, I have agreed to write this preface so that the reading public may
hear firsthand that there is no conspiracy to suppress so-called punk
writings. The text here included should lay to bed all suspicion that any
writing of value is being withheld-deliberately or otherwise-from the
American audience.
I will also state that if and when a new literary movement does emerge in
American literature, I am quite confident that it will come from some source
other than a tribe of uneducated street children who duel with sharpened
screwdrivers and write bibles on subjects of which they are profoundly
ignorant.
Still, in consenting to write this preface, I have also bowed to the
publisher's request that I provide the reading public with some basis for an
informed response to this work. My own recommendation is no response.
x
FIRST PREFACE

As to the work itself, it has no merit of any kind: it is an imitation of a farce


ofa parody.
The book consists of a Past Testament, a Present Testament, a Book of
Harrier Brayer [sic], and a Punk Testament. All three "testaments" are
written in a meandering chapter-and-verse format that is hard to dignify with
any such term as style.
The Past Testament purports to cover the entire history of the world, from
the creation through c.1964, although the near total absence of dates, as well
as numerous chronological inconsistencies, require that this be characterized
as an educated guess. The Past Testament also contains a number of books
that appear to be an incompetent attempt to mimic the Old Testament books
of wisdom and the books of the prophets. Most notable in the Past
Testament are its nine books ofthe "Chosen Nations," which may well be
the most pointlessly venomous pastiches of modem history yet recorded in
any form.
The Present Testament represents an inexplicably perverse plagiarism of
the New Testament of the Bible, complete with four gospels of a substitute
messiah named Harry, who is clearly an outright fiction devised by the
author(s). The Present Testament also includes its own epistles, written to
various neighborhoods and institutions in Philadelphia, for the purpose of
instructing its targets in the ways of the Present Testament's demented,
drug-dealing messiah. Overall, it is difficult to find any part of the Present
Testament that merits serious critical analysis or comment, for the simple
reason that it neve.. rises, even momentarily, above the level of invective,
name calling, and face/class/gender prejUdice that represent the only unify-
ing feature of the Boomer Bible. As for the attached Book of Harrier Brayer,
I found it altogether unreadable and can offer no elucidating comments of
any kind.
The Punk Tes~ent is clearly intended as some kind of vindication for
the excesses of the prior testaments, but it does far more to reveal the
benighted lives and ways of the legendary (real or fictional) "punks" than it
does to explain the purpose of the book as a whole. For example, two of the
twelve books in this testament amount to nothing more than lists of alleged
combats in Punk City, including blow-by-blow descriptions of numerous
contests in arms. The testament concludes with five books of pathetic
doggerel intended to define the philosophy (for want of a better term) of the
author(s).
Finally, there is a running intercolumn reference which makes connec-
tions, in astonishingly tedious quantity, between verse fragments throughout
the three testaments. Personally, I found this aspect of the book unusable
and utterly pointless; I can only assume that its inclusion was intended to
enhance the scriptural appearance of the text by providing a visual distrac-
tion from the incompetent versification and meager vocabulary that deface
every page of the work.
xi
FIRST PREFACE

I expect that the publisher will be disappointed in this preface, but I


cannot in good conscience endorse a book of such dubious origins, particu-
larly in the absence of any redeeming qualities in the writing or content. If
the trove materials eventually disclose a Boomer Bible manuscript and
evidence that the punk writer community did in fact exist, I will he only too
happy at that time to revisit my current historical characterizations and
amend them in light of new information. But if the trove yields another copy
of this same work, I must forewarn one and all that the only retraction I will
feel obliged to make concerns my remarks about its authenticity. And mere
authenticity cannot bestow quality where none existed before.

-Eliot Naughton
Cambridge, MA
March 1991

xii
SECOND PREFACE

T he package w~s wrapped in old burlap and smelled of rotten hay. It was
tied up with {pur knotted-together railroad bandannas that disintegrated
under my fingertips when I tried to loosen them. The fabric that had been
crumpled inside the faded brown knots still glowed red, like artificially
preserved flowers. And inside the burlap bag was the object I had spent
almost three year~ looking for-not one, but two manuscripts of the fabled
Boomer Bible. At'times over the many months of my search, I had almost
given up hope of ever finding it, and even when I held it in my hands I
almost couldn't believe that it really did exist.
That day, I promised myself that I would see it published, even if I never
made a nickel out of it, because here was proof that the punks of Punk City
had done what the stories said they had. It was all- true. A bunch of born
losers had tried to write it all down the way they saw it and heard it from the
Baby Boomers.
Before I go any further, I should tell you that I'm not pretending to be any
kind of a hero. I'm a free-lance journalist by trade, and when you're on your
own you have to find your own stories. Sometimes you scoop everybody,
sometimes you get taken in: I'd be the first to tell you I'm not proud of
the UFO paperback, and I wish I could unpublish it for the sake of my
credibility about t~is work. But I can't undo what's been done, and so you'll
just have to belie~e me or not. But Eliot Naughton should learn the same
lesson: he can't uflwrite the Boomer Bible by wishing it away, and he'd do
everyone a favor if he'd quit trying to deny its existence.
The truth is, I'd heard about it for years, little snatches of conversation,
hints from people who might or might not know, that kind of thing. I've
always hung out in the wrong kinds of bars, all the way from the Combat
Zone in Boston to the Sunset Strip in L.A., and if you frequented places like
that you'd find th~re are still punks out there, jangling their heavy metal
jewelry, painting their identities on with stage makeup, and pretending as
much as they can that the bus never left town without them a dozen years
ago. I happened to be in one of those bars on a rainy night in 1987. The city
was Cleveland, and the hour was late, and, yes, I had been drinking. A
sixteen-year-old girl with braces on her teeth and earrings made of razor
blades told me that if I was really a journalist, I should buy her a beer
because she knew a story worth a million dollars. I bought her the beer
because I'm a sucker for wild stories-not because I believed her-but she
proceeded to tell me things she couldn't have made up. Most tantalizing
about her account was the sensation it gave me that she was repeating exact
xiii
SECOND PREFACE

words memorized from some other source. I still have the dictaphone tape
I made that night, and her nasal singsong twang still gives me chills when I
hear it speak, muffled and slurred under the clatter of beer mugs:

... was February and snow had fallen throughout the evening, a light
white coverlet softening the sounds and edges of the street. The tire
tracks of the bikes, the footsteps of the punks were etched in the
whiteness with the clarity of pure terror, and the silencing snow so
muffled the voice of the Duke's challenger that I wondered for a
moment if I had imagined it. But as everyone looked one to another,
searching for the source of the voice, four masked men dressed in black
stepped out of the [indecipherable] doorway and crossed the street
through the snow, silent as wraiths ... "Downcount the seconds, Ham-
merhead," the voice said. "You don't 'a many left. .. " The Duke
roared and swung his weapon above his head ... "Who're you?" he
demanded of [indecipherable] ... "The last voice you'll 'ear," came
the reply. With that, the Duke bellowed and ran toward his opponent,
twirling the hammer about his great round head so quickly that it
glittered like a halo. When he fell upon the punks' new [indecipher-
able], though, he was as cold and efficient as ever, looking for openings
and avoiding mistakes. For perhaps a minute, they both bobbed and
weaved like prizefighters, feinting and waiting for some instant of
advantage. Then the Duke struck, a short terrible blow directed straight
down upon the head of his shorter opponent, and a gasp rose from the
punks as if squeezed from them by the force of the hammerstroke ...

I don't know how long she could have continued like this, but I blew it.
I interrupted her to ask a question, because I was gripped by an eerie
conviction that I had heard the story before, or dreamed it, or ... who
knows? I had to hear where she got it, where it came from.
"It's talked about in the Boomer Bible too," she told me, as if that
explained everything-.
"What's that?" I asked her.
"It's a book the ka punks wrote," she said. "They wrote everything
down, the way they heard it from the Boomers, and the way they lived it on
South Street." Without pause, she slipped back into her singsong cadence,
someone else's words: "Then they shredded the pages and gave them to the
winds of the Delaware with the body of the dead king. And when the words
come together again, the ka punks will return to tell their story. But as long
as the queen sleeps, a thousand silent voices will churn above us in the air,
windblown, restless, like smoke from the Shuteye Train ... " She broke off,
saw her beer mug sitting on the table, and drained it. Then she looked at me
as if I had been the last to speak.
I tried to restart her on the story she'd been telling me about the Duke,

xiv
SECOND PREFACE

but she shook her head and said, "It's not there now. Sometimes it is,
sometimes it isn't. It's not from the Bible anyway. It's the ka song of the
Greatwing Gypsy, beloved ofthe queen."
I bought her more beers, which was a dicey thing because she wouldn't
talk without beer, and she couldn't handle it, either. I managed to glean
from her that the "ka punks" had lived in Philadelphia for a time and then
had gone away. The very last I got from her is still on the tape, a slurred reel
of names unwinding as she fell asleep:

KinesisApesNamesGodsLiesGypsiesMesopamamiansGreeks 1Greeks2Barbs
ChristiansBubitesGiantsSplorersSpicsFrogsBritsKrautsYanksBeaks ...

I made sure that her friends would drive her home and then I left the bar
and Cleveland. When I returned to the same bar some months later to speak
with her again, no one remembered her. But that's the way it's been ever
since she first started me on my search. Many times I gave it up. I told
myselfthere were no "ka punks," there was no Boomer Bible, but as soon
as I had resigned myself to failure, something else would happen to rekindle
my interest.
For example, I had just given up for the second or third time when a
sweaty bookkeeper drinking late in some Holiday Inn bar outside Chicago
called me a "dirty Boomer" and when I asked what he meant by that
exactly, he replied, "You twelve. One dash four."
"The Boomer Bible," I said out loud.
"You think it doesn't exist, don't you?" he asked, echoing my last
conscious thoughts on the subject. "Well, you're full of shit. They wrote it
down. Just the way they heard it. Somebody had to."
We talked until the bar closed. He looked too young to be a Boomer, and
after his initial outburst he was reluctant to say more, but I kept after him
until he eased slowly into his story. Back in 1981, he had been enrolled in a
small business college in Philadelphia. In the single most courageous act of
his life, he had visited South Street in response to an ad on his dormitory
bulletin board. The ad offered free drinks all night to anyone who would
consent to be interviewed about topics of "general knowledge." The
interviews would take place in a South Street punk bar called the Razor
Cafe.
He got drunker as he told it, which seemed to be a pattern with the ones
who thought they knew, a kind of drowning sadness that might be the cause
of their delusions or the reason they possessed their few frail straws of
"information." It was impossible to tell. But he had been sad then too, the
way he told it, and although he was afraid to go to Punk City, he went in the
hope that something remarkable would happen. He described a city within a
city, an armed camp where every face was covered with mask or makeup,

xv
SECOND PREFACE

and every belt held weapons. He was "interviewed" by three punks who
asked their questions from a list and painfully wrote down his answers in a
crabbed shorthand. They prodded him to tell them what he knew about
history, books, movies, religion, science, his upbringing, his views about
life. They were polite, utterly distant, and persistently clumsy with paper
and pencil. But once, a fight broke out at a nearby table, and he was terrified
by the speed at which blades flashed into view under the blue barroom light.
"Then she came in," my bookkeeper said, and I recognized the look in
his big damp eyes. It was adoration. "She's dead now," he added in a
whisper. "You won't believe me. No one ever does. But there are women
... well, have you ever just known the first time you saw one that you'd do
anything ... ?
Ijust looked at him. I hadn't, and he saw that I hadn't. He gulped more of
his drink and went on. "She came to my table. She leaned over me. She had
eye makeup on one eye. Just one eye. She was wearing a leather thing ...
below ... and she didn't have any ... top." Then he added hurriedly, "But it
wasn't just that. She looked at me. Women never look at me. She said that
what I was doing was a big help. 'We're writing it all down,' she said. 'It's
time. '"
He looked at me miserably. "When she left, I stared after her until I
could breathe again. So did the punks. They all looked like I felt, just ...
sick with wanting her. They said her name was Alice Hate. I never saw her
again. I would have died for her. I never thought I'd be willing to die for
anyone ... "
Then he leaned close to me, buddies in a bar. "They say," he whispered,
"that the punks will come back someday. Alice Hate too."
We stared at each other. Gently, I asked, "Who's they?"
He stared at me uncomprehendingly, "It's a crock of shit,", he barked
suddenly. "She's dead. I can feel it in here." He tapped his breast pocket.
"I've got to go," he said, getting to his feet.
"One last thing," I asked. "That quote. How did you get it? Have you
ever seen the Boomer Bible?"
And then the bastard smiled at me, a Cheshire-cat-I-know-something-
you-don't-know grin that pissed me off almost as much as my discovery that
he'd left me with the tab.
And that's the way it went. Of course I went to Philadelphia, and
everybody everywhere said they'd never heard of the punks of South Street.
But how can you tell in a big city? Maybe everybody you talk to just got there
yesterday. Maybe there are things they don't want you to know. The police
were no help, but cops never like talking about things they can't control and
don't understand. I checked the newspapers, all four years worth, and I found
one mention of punks in connection with a prominent writer from New York,
but he wouldn't return my calls or letters. I got his address and went there to

xvi
SECOND PREFACE

see him, but no one answered the doorbell. It was on my way out of the city,
though, that I went to the men's room at Grand Central Station in New York
and found something interesting. Underneath a string of four-letter-word
graffiti, I saw a neat red inscription: "Rules. 11. 1-4. "
When I checked the Cleveland girl's dictaphone tape, I almost missed it,
but the second time through I heard it:

MallitesMainlinersBroadStreetersRationalizationsBandsBoutsDoubtsRules
BeliefsAngeJs ...

I stayed in New York for a full week, looking (I admit it) in dirty men's
rooms all over the city for more quotes. It was at the Port Authority bus
terminal that I found the next one. Under a scratched-in couplet that read
"Fix your stroke, Do coke," someone had written in a wild red hand:
"Angels.S.2." By then, I had transcribed the names of the books from the
tape, and I felt vaguely stunned. Was I creating my own mystery, my own
chain of misunderstood coincidences? Or was it really possible that an
unpublished book was floating around in the damaged minds of sad people?
I left the Port Authority still musing over my puzzle, and it was only some
minutes later that I remembered the need for caution. The streets were dimly
lighted and I started feeling nervous, as if I was being followed. I heard a
very slight jingle, like keys in a pocket. Then I heard footsteps, chuckles,
more footsteps. I was being stalked. Trying to remain casual, I turned the
first comer I came to and walked into a blind alley. When I whirled in panic
the entrance was blocked. There were three of them, kids with knives. They
were smiling. I saw the open jean jacket of the leader, a washboard stomach
with crossed slash scars on his white skin. And it's a funny thing, but the
thought that popped into my head just then was that I wasn't ever going to
see the Boomer Bible, as if that were somehow more important than my fear
of death.
It seemed like an hour went by. Ijust stood there. I felt my knees trying to
buckle. Why didn't they just rush me and get it over with? I wanted to offer
them my wallet but I couldn't speak. I opened my mouth to address the
leader, but just as the first sound came from my dry throat, his eyes
suddenly filled with fear and he backed off a step, as if he'd been struck in
the face. And then all three of them turned and ran like hell. A surge of
exhilaration galvanized my vocal cords. I wanted to yell after the retreating
muggers, and I heard myself shouting, "Angels! Chapter eight! Verse two,
you [expletive deleted] sons of bitches!"
And I still didn't know if I really heard it, but I would swear on any Bible
you believe in that a voice behind my back whispered, "Rules eleven. One
dash four."
I was so petrified by this that I could not turn around. I stood there for

xvii
SECOND PREFACE

five full minutes, a potbellied statue in an alley, until I remembered that


there might be other muggers out there, too. I never did look back as I
walked out of that alley.
It was three weeks later that the package arrived at my home in San
Francisco, addressed to me in block print letters. At six in the morning I
heard a loud knock at my apartment door, and when I opened it, the burlap
bundle was just sitting there waiting. There was no return address and no
postmark. As soon as I saw what it contained, I called building security. It's
supposed to be impossible for anyone to get past the lobby door without
being buzzed through, and everyone who enters the lobby is photographed
by security cameras. But the guard on duty said no one had been in or out on
his shift, which started at four A.M. I mention these matters only because I
did make an effort to determine how the package was delivered, including
canvassing my neighbors to find out if they'd heard or seen anything
unusual, but I must report that it remains a mystery, no matter how many
suspicions that raises.
The manuscripts were in poor to fair condition. The one on top was in
much the better repair, which was fortunate because it contained the
intercolumn reference reproduced in this volume. It was legible throughout,
although there were many water stains, and some small animal had chewed
a chunk out of the upper right-hand comer, which just missed damaging the
text all the way from Kinesis through Psongs. It appeared to be a computer
printout: the serrations left by tractor feed strips were still evident despite
the weather damage.
The other manuscript was in truly tragic condition. It had been hand-
written on high-quality parchment, with full and quite elaborate illumina-
tion. But now it was a ruin. Many of the pages were merely fragments,
between 50 and 80 percent destroyed, as if by rot. This manuscript also
lacked the intercolumn reference, and its inclusion in the package suggested
to me that it was a genuine historic artifact, perhaps one of the original
copies employed by the punk community in its own public rites and
ceremonies. Sadly, though, it could no longer be read as a text of the
Boomer Bible. I set it aside for safekeeping, where it remains to this day,
along with other documentation of my search that cannot yet be disclosed
without danger to certain living individuals.
The computer-printed manuscript was in no danger of being further
damaged by reading, and so I sat down at once to work my way through it. I
had read about a dozen pages when the phone rang. A male voice at the
other end spoke to me in a tone of breathless excitement.
"You have it, don't you?"
By now I was past being surprised. "Yes," I told the caller.
"You don't have to read it consecutively," he continued. "You can, but
it's not necessary to start that way. And you may want to ignore the

xviii
SECOND PREFACE

intercolumn reference the first time you read any passage. You can go back
to that later. "
"Have you read it?" I asked.
He chuckled. "No. I can't wait." Then he turned grave. "You have to get
it published as soon as possible. They've already found the trove, and
they're trying to suppress it. You're the only one who can keep them from
getting away with it."
He dodged all the rest of my questions but the last one: "Are you a
punk?"
He laughed out loud. "No," he told me. "But I'm ready to start any
time."
It was a pattern that was to recur over a period of a week or more. I read
and I fielded phone calls from a staggering variety of callers, representing
all ages, both sexes, and dozens of different ethnic and national origins.
They always knew that I had the Boomer Bible, and they always had a
reading tip they wanted to pass on. An old lady told me in a solemn whisper
that it was okay to laugh-which I had already figured out for myself. A
young man with a strong Hispanic accent begged me not to ignore the
intercolumn reference. A retired priest suggested I pay close attention to the
readings specified in the Table of Harrier Days. Not one of them had
actually read or even seen the Boomer Bible. None would tell me how they
had learned of it in the first place-or how they'd known to call me.
When I'd finished my first reading, I knew that it had to be published.
Some sizable but invisible group of people were waiting for it, and they
were counting on me not to let them down. What were they waiting for? The
Boomer Bible was by no means the answer to all questions. It was repetitive,
inconsistent, often inaccurate, mercurial and capricious in its viewpoints,
frequently nasty, loaded with imprecise lowest-common-denominator lan-
guage, and sometimes outright offensive-even to me.
And yet it excited me. The punks who had written it (and I no longer
doubted the punk origins of the work) believed that the very largest
philosophical questions ever conceived were everybody's business, and they
were unafraid to jeer at the ivory tower intellects they thought had answered
those questions wrong. The book made me feel important and powerful, and
that was a unique feeling for somebody who had lived on the tattered edges
of self-respect since adolescence. I also understood why a lot of people
would oppose publication of the book on any grounds. It laughs too hard at
things nobody is supposed to laugh at, which is the worst crime possible in a
society that has lost its sense of humor about everything important.
I inquired about the discovery of the "trove" mentioned by my first
caller. Initially, everyone I talked to in Philadelphia denied there was such a
thing. When I finally found the man in charge of the excavation, he
informed me that it would take years to sort things out, and the publication

xix
SECOND PREFACE

of the findings was years away, if it ever occurred at all. I asked specifically
whether a Boomer Bible had been found. There was a pause-too long a
pause, in my opinion-and then the academic on the other end of the line
said, "I haven't seen anything like that. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have
to go."
He asked me no questions. He had no mysteries to solve? No information
deficits to fill in? He knew everything he needed to know already? Of
course. He was a scholar. It was his job to make up a truth that fit his
universe, whether the facts he had fit his universe or not. My next call was
to a publisher.
The result of my actions appears as you see here. Contrary to Professor
Naughton's devilishly clever deconstruction of the facts, the bulk of the
evidence suggests that punk writers wrote the Boomer Bible. And while
there remain many unanswered questions about who they were, where they
came from, and where they went, they have left a record of an inquiry that
no one else seems interested in making: Where and how do we learn to
believe again in the future, with hope and faith in the meaning of our own
existence? For this unforgivable sin, they are deemed "deviant," and their
work is adjudged "contemptible." Maybe that will be your opinion too after
you've read the Boomer Bible. That is your right. But I at least believe you
should have the chance to make up your own mind about that, provided you
can look past Eliot Naughton'S preemptive and scornful bias. The things we
don't dare talk about or write about or think about are the things that will do
us in. The punks seem to have known that instinctively. But then, as Eliot
Naughton has pointed out, they had the advantage of starting their quest as
semiliterates, which probably saved their minds from the proper Harvard
education Eliot seems to regard as a necessary writing credential.
In closing, I will state that I have received no compensation for the
Boomer Bible manuscript. I will also admit to knowing more than I have
said, which you should know to expect from the author of a UFO invasion
book. Dismiss me all you like. Believe Eliot Naughton all you like. But read
the Boomer Bible. It was written for you, and it is yours to do with as you
will. I have done what was asked of me. Yanks. 153. 14

-Frank Frelinger
San Francisco, CA
April 1991

xx
'THE
BOOMER
BIBLE
Containing the Past, Present, and
Punk Testaments, And the Orders
of the Book of Harrier Brayer:
diligently assembled under the
leadership and guidance of the
King of Punk City.
A NOTE ON THE BOOMER BffiLE
INTERCOLUMN REFERENCE
Superscripts within the text refer the reader to the Intercolumn Reference, where
corresponding citations are identified by book, chapter, and verse(s). (For example, the
citation Kin. 1. 1-4 indicates the Book of Kinesis, Chapter I, Verses I through 4.) When no
book title appears in the first citation listed for a given superscript, the reference is to a
verse within the same book. When a book title is omitted in the second (or nth) citation
listed, the reference is to the book identified in the immediately preceding citation.
The following tips, though probably unnecessary for most readers, are provided for the
sake of clarity: 1) when a superscript appears at the beginning of a verse, the associated
citation(s) normally applies to the entire verse; 2) when a superscript appears within a
verse, the associated citation normally applies to the word or phrase immediately following
the superscript; 3) when a superscript appears at the end of a verse, the associated citation is
normally best understood as a continuation of the verse; 4) when more than one citation is
referenced to a single superscript in text, the citations should be looked up in the order in
which they appear.
Finally, it should be noted that the Boomer Bible Intercolumn Reference represents one
set of relationships between verses. Many others are possible. Readers are encouraged to
add to the Boomer Bible by inserting (or substituting) their own chapter-and-verse citations.
The book title abbreviations used in the Boomer Bible Intercolumn Reference are as
follows:

Abbr. Book Abbr. Book Abbr. Book


Adam. Adam Forg. Forgers Penn. Pennsylvanians
AI. AI F&J Frankie & Johnny Pnot. Pnotes
Ang. Angels Frog. Frogs Psay. Psayings
Ann. Annenburghers Gnt. Giants Psom. Psomethings
Apes. Apes Gods. Gods Psong. Psongs
Bds. Bands Grk. Greeks Psp. Pspeciastes
Barb. Barbarians Gyp. Gypsies Rat. Rational izat' ns
Bks. Beaks Hall. Hallites Rom. Romans
Bel. Beliefs Hill. Hillites Rul. Rules
Boul. Boulevardiers Ira. Ira Russ. Russkies
Bout. Bouts Jefs. Jeffersonians Spic. Spics
Brit. Brits Jeff. Jeffrey Swar. Swarthmorons
Brd. Broad Streeters Kens. Kensingtonians They. They
Bub. Bubonites Kin. Kinesis Us. Us
Carl. Carl Krt. Krauts Vin. Vinnie
Cen. Centralians Lies. Lies War. War
Chnk. Chinks Main. Mainliners Way. Ways
Chr. Christians Mall. Mallites Weap. Weapons
Chuk. Chuck Mawr. Mawrites Wht. Wharts
Dav. David Mes. Mesopotamians Wil. Willie
Dbt. Doubts Name. Names Ynk. Yanks
Drex. Drexelites Ned. Ned You. You
Ed. Ed Nip. Nips Zig. Ziggie
Ext. Exploits Oth. Others
Exp. Explorers Paul. Paul
EPISTLE DEDICATORY

TO THE MOST EXALTED AND DREADLY


PUNK
DOCTOR DREAM
--------~--------

BY THE WILL OF ST. NUKE,


KING OF PUNK CITY, IN THE REALM OF
PHILADELPHIA,
DEFENDER OF KNOWLEDGE AND GUARDIAN
OF VALOR
The Assemblers of the Boomer Bible seek Truth, Hope, and Justice
through the Intermediation of the RAPTOR our Father

W e, the Punks of Punk City, do hereby dedicate to you, our ul-


timate voice, this testimony of our pitiless anger against the
popUlation of the Most Chosen Nation in the History of the World. We
so dedicate this work in the manner of a petition for your advent, and
an invocation for your wrath. The number of petitioners is in excess of
two thousands of us, which are represented by signatories identifying
the most august and fierce of our kingdom, located on and about the
environs of South Street, in the City of Brotherly Love.
We do not protest our right to receive you in your full power and
eloquence; rather we invite your presence humbly, having demon-
strated in such small ways as have been shown to us our willingness to
exchange our lives for Ardor, and to devote our energies to Learning,
notwithstanding the darkness of the Ignorance, Despair, and Indignity
from which we came to embark upon this work. Further, we have
sworn ourselves, and the strength of all our arms and instruments, to
the rediscovery of the Light that had been so malignantly concealed
from our blindered eyes. If there be some particle of value in this our
shared monument, we do beseech you, on bended knee, to hear this
petition, and so redeem our lives.

-April 19, 1981


THE PAST TESTAMENT
--'1--
The beginning KINESIS

THE FIRST BOOK OF APES, CALLED


KINESIS
CHAPTER! a. Vin.l.I-25 the q random stimuli of the plan-
BAt the beginning there was b. Ed.28.6 et's chemistry, rlife thrived and
nothing but a big bball of Chuk.2.3-4 multiplied,
gases. c. Hall. 6. 10 2 SAnd spread from the hospit-
2 For a long time it just sat there d. Lies. 6. 11
able environment of liquid oxy-
in the "nothingness, getting hot- e. AI.2.11
genated hydrogen where it began
ter and hotter. f Wil.19.1 to the more challenging environ-
g. Psay.5U.4
3 dThen it eexploded. ment of the planet's solid min-
h. Exp.9.J3
4 fThe explosion created the Chuk.7.3 eral masses.
stars, which were burning bub- i. Psay.5U.I-2 3 'The new environment stimu-
bles of the first big ball of gases. j. Ed. 60. 15 lated further molecular changes
5 The gstars threw out chunks of k. Wil.19.4 that enabled living organisms to
debris that cooled and became I. Chuk.IO.4-1O increase dramatically in size and
planets. m. Vin.3.1-2 complexity.
6 The planets spun hround and n. Wil.16.19-20 4 uThe organisms grew bigger
became round. o. Ed.60.17 and bigger,
p. Car1.3.8 5 •And then much much bigger,
CHAPTER 2 q. Drex.6.4 6 And even bigger than that, un-
I n a remote and insignificant
sector of the iuniverse, one
r. Chuk.11.2-6
s. Chuk.11.8-1O
til some of the many life-forms
on the planet's surface were so
jplanet fell into an orbit around t. Wil.19.5 enormous as to be wdinosaurs.
its star that kby accident made its u. Chuk.11.7
surface conducive to the molecu- Mawr. 22. 22
lar formations known as 'amino v. Chuk.19.14 CHAPTER 4
acids. w. Ned.6.24
"The dinosaurs were gigantic
2 Neither so close to their x. Chuk.12.1-7 scaly beasts with infinitely
mplanet's star as to be inciner- y. Grk.6.23 Ysmall brains and infinitely large
ated, nor so far from it as to be z. Hall.6.9 appetites, both for plants and for
aa. Psom. 24. 3-
frozen, the acids survived, 4 each other.
3 nAnd proceeded to combine bb. Wil.12.14 2 'Created by numerous acci-
into new molecules of a com- dents of evolution, the dinosaurs
plexity advanced enough to per- managed to become extinct, not
mit change and growth, by accident, but by their own
4 And °meiosis, and the devel- stupidity.
opment of certain other transient 3 saThe dinosaurs ate all of the
characteristics of a generic na- plants in their environment and
ture classifiable as Plife. soon starved stupidly to death.
4 bbWhen the dinosaurs became
CHAPTER 3 extinct, other smaller life-forms
C hanging and growing and
reproducing in response to
became dominant on the planet's
surface.

J
APES The end of the beginning

aT CHAPTERS
hese other smaller life
forms were mammals,
a. Wi/.l7.1
b.3A
c. Bks.6.24
quite small and something like
drats and ·cats and 'dogs.
5 g And a lot of them were a lot
which had hairy bodies, warm d. &1048.19 like monkeys.
blood, and small brains that e. Psay.SA.12
were nevertheless larger than the f Psay. SA. 13 CHAPTER 6
brains of the dinosaurs. g. Rom.lOA hAnd the ones that were like
2 bO ver a long period of time h. Chuk.14.1-4 monkeys had brains that
after the dinosaurs became ex- i. Chuk.14.S-6 were quite large.
tinct, the hairy bodies of the j. Yks. 144. 11- 2 iAnd some of these grew quite
12
mammals grew bigger and big- Zig. 17. 7 big and lost their tails, so that
ger, until there were many large they were no longer monkeys,
animals on the planet's surface. but apes.
3 And some of these were very 3 And the apes thrived and
big indeed and something like Jmultiplied , surviving even unto
elephants, and some of them the present age. .
were something like cattle, and 4 And with the coming of the
some of them were something apes, the period of time that
like epigs, was the beginning of the earth
4 And others of them were still ended.

THE SECOND BOOK OF APES, CALLED


APES
CHAPTER! a. Psay.Sy'29 CHAPTER 2
aWhen he had come upon b. Dav.30AO jFor seven times seven gener-
the earth, the bape was c. Dav.17. 13 ations of their race, the apes
naked and afraid. For comfort he d. Dav.17.1S- stuck pointed sticks into seven
picked up a estick, chewed the 16
times seven generations of other
end to a point, and dstuck it in a e. Psom. 78. 10 living things.
nearby living thinge. f Psay.SZ.2 2 And there were kseven times
2 When the living thing died, g. ALA. 7-11 seven kinds of apes, and of this
transfixed by the stick, the ape h. Ann. 18.12 number there were brown apes,
i. Hill.AA
ate of its flesh and soon con- and black apes,
j. Psay.SL. 7
ceived a great hunger for the 3 And green apes, and red apes,
k. PsayA.2
death of fother living things. and white apes, and yellow apes.
I. Dav.l7A
3 gThereupon the ape made 4 And there were small apes,
many pointed sticks and stuck and tall apes, and wide apes, and
them into great multitudes of narrow apes, and thin apes, and
hother living things, including, fat apes,
on occasion, iother apes. 5 I And swift apes, and slow

2
The apes do unto one another APES

apes, and strong apes, and weak a. DavA7.6 with swift apes, slow apes with
apes, and clever apes, and dull b. AI.5.3 slow apes,
apes. c.2.6 10 i And strong apes with strong
6 a And of this number, all were d. Psay.5AAO apes, weak apes with weak apes,
killer apes. e.2.2 clever apes with clever apes, and
f 2.3 dull apes with dull apes.
CHAPTER 3 g.2A

A nd when seven times seven


generations had passed, the
h. Psom.27.2
i. Psom.27.3 j T CHAPTER 4
hereupon bands of apes
land fell barren and living things j. Jeff 5. 7 turned upon other bands of
of all kinds died in great num- k. Krt.9.15 apes and transfixed one other
bers from thirst and hunger and I. Psom. 73. 13 with many thousands of pointed
from pointed sticks. m. Main.16.JO sticks.
2 And as the living things grew n. Main. 16. JJ 2 k And brown apes killed black
scarce in number, bthe apes be- o. DavA7. JJ apes, even unto extinction.
&47.22
came afraid. p. Chuk.15.1-6
3 IRed apes slew green apes,
3 For if all other kinds of living q. Wil.20.1-4 leaving none alive,
things died, there would be noth- 4 mAnd likewise white apes
ing left to kill, slew yellow apes, and tall apes
4 "Except the other apes, all of slew small apes,
whom were killer apes, well 5 nAnd wide apes slew narrow
armed with pointed sticks. apes, and thin apes slew fat
5 d And so it happened that the apes,
apes banded together, like to 6 0 And slow apes slew swift
like, to keep the other apes from apes, and weak apes slew strong
killing them. apes,
6 "Brown apes joined together 7 PAnd clever apes slew all the
with brown apes, black apes dull apes, and then the strong
with black apes, apes, and the swift apes, and the
7 fGreen apes with green apes, thin apes, and the wide apes, and
red apes with red apes, white the tall apes, and the white apes,
apes with white apes, yellow and the red apes, and the brown
apes with yellow apes, apes,
8 IIAnd small apes with small 8 qUntil the clever apes were
apes, tall apes with tall apes, all alone on the earth, with the
wide apes with wide apes, nar- exception of the other living
row apes with narrow apes, things and many, many trees
9 hAnd thin apes with thin apes, that could be turned into pointed
fat apes with fat apes, swift apes sticks.

3
NAMES The apes get above themselves

THE THIRD BOOK OF APES, CALLED


NAMES
CHAPTER! a. Apes.4.7 3 n And so these apes named
aShOrtIy after the clever apes h. Adam.6.7 themselves with seven times
had killed all the other kinds c. Psay.5Q.24 seven hundreds of names,
of apes, they grew restless and d. Psay.5Q.23 4 0 And there were apes named
irritable, e. Chuk.I5.7-8 P Adam and Eve,
2 bBecause the killing of the f Chuk.I5.9-I6 5 qAnd Abel and Cain, and Sara
other apes had been enjoyable, g. Chuk.I6.I-3 and Hagar, and Isaac and Ish-
3 C And now there were no other h. Psay.5Q.56 mael,
kinds of apes to kill, i. Chr.1O.5-6 6 rAnd David and Goliath, and
4 Or be killed by, j. Psom.27.1 Samson and Delilah, and Moses
& 22.4
5 dWhich took much of the fun k. Apes.2.6
and Herod, and Abraham and
out of life. Psom.75.10 Joshua,
I. Psay.5Q.32 7 sAnd Ruth, and Job, and Seth,
m. Krt.9.15 and Jacob and Esau, and Joseph,
CHAPTER 2
A nd so it happened that the
"clever apes began to split
n. Psay.5Q.60
o. Lies. 2. 8-9
p. Grk.4.ll
and Rachel, and Leah,
8 lAnd Samuel, and Daniel, and
Hosea, and Amos, and Andy,
apart into smaller bands, leis. 7.15
2 (Which moved away from one and Isaiah, and Ezekiel, and
Adam. 2. 12-
16 uEmmanuel, and many more be-
another, sometimes as far as the
next gvalley, q. Bks.6.24-27 sides.
3 hBut always close enough so r. Hall.6.9
that they could attack one an- s. Wil.17.1
t. Psp.2.1-2 CHAPTER 4
other with pointed sticks.
4 But it also happened that the
new bands of apes became Icon-
u.4.10
v. leis. 7.15
W hen they had done naming
one another, the apes
fused, w. Apes. 2. 2-5 were very pleased,
Psay.5A.I9 2 And proud of what they done,
5 jBecause it was not so easy as x. Ann. IB. 11
before to tell one kind of ape 3 Believing it to be pretty spe-
y. Brit.2.8 cial to have so many names,
from another kind of ape, z. Wil.I9.4 4 vAnd such an easy way of tell-
6 k All apes now being of one
kind, the clever kind. ing one ape from another ape,
5 WWhich had never happened
before in the living memory of
CHAPTER 3 the apes.
B ut being clever, some of the
apes conceived a Igreat idea,
6 And so it happened that the
-apes with names decided that
and gave each other names, so they were no longer apes,
that one could recognize another 7 'But better than apes,
by his name, 8 YAnd worthy of a name unto
2 m And thus know to refrain themselves,
from transfixing the wrong apes 9 Which they selected by Zlot-
with a pointed stick. tery, asking every ape to draw
4
The apes get unsatisfied GODS

one sharpened stick from a huge a. Wil.19.5· 13 eAnd belonged to the race of
pile of sharpened sticks, h. Ed.27.5 Man,
10 • And the short stick fell to an c. ExI.52.16 14 'Which immediately in-
ape named bManny, d. Vin.49.5 vented names for all of its bands,
11 cWho promptly renamed the e. Wil.19.14 now called tribes,
race of apes after himself, f. Pnol.24.5 15 lAnd the tribes then with-
12 So that the apes from that g. Psom.7B.1- drew to their homes to begin
13
dpoint forward were no longer sharpening sticks for the new
apes, but Men, age.

THE FOURTH BOOK OF APES, CALLED


GODS
OTHERWISE KNOWN AS THE FIRST BOOK OF LmS

CHAPTER 1 a. Name.4.14 which provided food more safely


·When the apes called Men h. Adam.6.4 than before.
joined together into c. Psay.5Q.43 7 Those who were the most
tribes, the practice of killing be- d. Swar. 10.16 skilled with their hands invented
came more efficient, and the e. Ral.9.26 pots, and clothes, and many
consumption of slain animals f. Ned. 29. 24 kinds of tools' .
less wasteful. g. Psom.73.13 8 IIThose who were the most
2 Accordingly, the tribe had h. Jeff.5.7 imaginative invented words, and
more time and more opportunity i. 1.4 ideas, in order that words might
to invent things, of which the j. 1.5 serve some purpose.
apes had grown exceedingly k.1.6 9 hAnd all the apes were unsat-
fond. isfied with this state of affairs.
3 bAll apes worked on inventing
things, each according to his CHAPTER 2
kind.
4 Those who were the smartest
T he Ismart ones were unsatis-
fied because the killers still
invented cfire, which made it got the best food, even though it
possible to stay up later at night, was fire that made food taste
inventing more things. better.
5 dThose who were the best 2 The Jkillers were unsatisfied
killers invented new ways of because the invention of agricul-
killing and new weapons, in- ture required them to kill less
cluding knives, and spears, and often.
arrows, and then bows, so that 3 The ktimid were unsatisfied
arrows might kill at a greater because they too longed to kill
distance. other living things, as safely as
6 Those who were the most possible, and had no opportunity
timid invented "agriculture, to do so.
5
GODS The priests start smiling

4 8The skilled ones were unsat- a. 1.7 had discovered a wonderful dis-
isfied for the same reason. b. 1.8 covery,
5 bThe imaginative ones were c. Psay.5A.23 15 Which brought smiles to
unsatisfied because they saw that d. JeJf.JO.14-15 their faces, and joy to their
all the apes in the tribe had e. 2.5 hearts.
enough things to live quite com- j Nam.2.1-3
fortably, g. Vin.5.1-4 CHAPTER 4
6 'Which meant that there was h. Vin.5.5 mAnd so the ape called Man
no reason to attack other tribes i. Vin.5.6-8 came to believe in the
with sharp sticks or other weap- j. Vin.5.9 Gods,
ons, k. Vin.5.JO 2 Who had given Man every-
7 dUnless reasons could be in- l. Vin.5. 11 thing he had,
vented with words and ideas. m. Chuk.17.1-9 3 And who could take it all
n. 2.5-7 away again in an instant, if they
o. Wil.20.1J-12
CHAPTER 3 weren't kept happy,
A nd so it happened that the
"imaginative ones began to
p. Name.1.2
q. Psom.46.1
4 Which is why the nimagina-
tive ones had to become priests
ask many questions at the top of and seers,
their lungs, saying, 5 In order to explain the will of
2 "Why does the rain not come the Gods to the less imaginative
just when we need it? ones,
3 "And why is the hunting not 6 Who were unable to make it
always as good as it could be? up for themselves.
4 r" And why does it seem that 7 0 And the Gods made many
the grass grows greener on the demands, asking for the best
other side of the valley, where portions of the food, the best
the next tribe lives?" clothes, the best weapons,
5 And hearing these questions, 8 And other things besides, in-
the others became quite upset, cluding a virgin every so often,
saying, 9 And especially including
6 g"We don't know, what's the things taken from other tribes,
answer, we're terribly con- 10 PSuch as their heads and
fused." other parts of their bodies.
7 hWhereupon the imaginative 11 And the priests rejoiced at
ones smiled at one another and the bounties offered by the peo-
said, ple, and cried out in joy, saying,
8 i " All is not as it should be 12 "Aren't the Gods great and
because you have not made of- generous? Look at what they
ferings to the Gods, have given us! Never have we
9 "Who give us rain, and game, seen so much food and clothing
and grass, and other things too." and qweaponry and body parts
10 And the others became very all in one place!
afraid, saying, 13 "Truly this is a good thing,
11 J"What are Gods? and we are well pleased."
12 k"Do they live around here?
13 '''00 they have weapons?" CHAPTERS
14 And the imaginative ones
nodded knowingly, because they
A nd so the Gods smiled upon
the tribe for a time, and
6
The Gods get bored GODS

gave out plenty of rain, a. Psay.5Q.52 phantly announced that they had
2 And plenty of good crops, and b. Barb. 7. 7 the answer,
a lot of bountiful things from the Wi1.78.9 15 And the people crowded
good earth, c. Ed.12.20 around to listen, saying,
3 And plenty of things taken d. Lies. 14.5 16 "This had better be good."
from other tribes, including e. Chuk. 17. 15-
17 17 So the priests cried aloud, in
heads and other body parts, f. 4.12 a high, shaky voice, saying,
4 a And the apes were happy to g. Main.28.1 18 I "The Gods have become
know that the Gods were on their h. Main.29.1-5 bored with your offerings,
side, and they worshiped them i. Main.29.6-7 19 j"Which are puny and insig-
often, saying, j. 4.12 nificant, consisting of little more
5 "Thank you, great Gods, for k. Main. 27. 1-2 than food and weapons and body
all you have given us, I. Dav.40.9 parts, and every once in a while,
6 b"Hosanna, hallelujah, hoo- m. Main.29.8 a virgin.
ray. " Chuk. 17.10- 20 k"The Gods need more than
12
7 And the priests ·smiled a great small change if they are to go on
n. Ira. 33. 1-3
deal all the time. giving you rain and crops and so
o. Dav.29.6
forth. "
21 "Well, then, what do they
CHAPTER 6 want?" asked the Itribe, and
B Ut then it happened, after
seven years of plenty of ev-
beads of sweat stood out on their
forehead.
erything, that things went wrong, 22 m"They want monuments
2 d As they often do, and temples, made of stone,
3 And there wasn't any rain, with plenty of writing on them,
and the crops were pitiful, singing the praises of the Gods,
4 And the game got scarce, as well as prayers and idols and
5 e And one of the neighboring that sort of thing."
tribes invaded the valley and 23 "What is writing?" asked
took away most of the virgins, as the tribe. "We have not heard of
well as plenty of heads and other this before. Is it hard to get?
body parts. Does it involve killing?"
6 Whereupon the apes cried out 24 But the priests smiled
angrily to the priests, saying, broadly, and replied, "Writing
7 "Hey, we don't understand is not hard at all. It does not
this at all. involve killing, but you'll like it
8 '''What about all the food and anyway."
weapons and body parts we've 25 And then the tribe was well
given to the Gods? content, saying,
9 "Have they forgotten about us 26 "We'll get right to it, then.
already? But what is a temple?"
10 "Honestly, we're very dis- 27 nAnd the °priests smiled,
couraged with the whole thing." saying, "Don't worry. We'll ex-
11 KThe priests considered the plain everything as we go. "
words of the tribe very carefully,
12 hFor about six weeks, CHAPTER 7
13 Which was way too long,
14 But at last the priests trium-
A nd so it happened that the
apes called men went to
7
LIES The apes come to believe in one God

work for their Gods, building a. Chuk.17.l0 have their cities and monuments
many great monuments and tem- b. Ext. 13. 9 and temples destroyed,
ples, c. Chuk. 17. 11 8 Completely and utterly,
2 And writing many praises and d. Chuk. 17. 13- 9 And their fields burned and
prayers and other inscriptions in 14 sown with salt,
e. Lies.2.1-2 10 And their women raped,
stone,
3 aSo that seven times seven f Name.4.7 11 And their people enslaved,
Rom. JJ. 11
generations of their race wor- g. Mall.13.B
12 So that even bigger temples
shiped the same Gods and in- h. lefs.7.15-17 and monuments could be built,
vented all manner of things to 13 eTo sing the praises of the
please them, great, generous Gods who had
4 bIncluding many elaborate made the earth and the seas and
ceremonies intended to honor the beasts of the field,
the Gods in their temples, 14 And who had made the clev-
5 CAnd many new cities in erest of the fapes into a powerful
which to build temples and other nation of priests and warriors
monuments to the Gods, and builders and writers,
6 d And wars against other tribes 15 gWhich was the greatest gift
which did not worship the same of all,
Gods, 16 And which was called hcivi-
7 And who therefore needed to lization.

THE FIFTH BOOK OF APES, CALLED


LIES
OTHERWISE KNOWN AS THE SECOND BOOK OF LIES

CHAPTER! a. Gods.6.22 these too because they were


aFrom the time that the first b. Wil.1.} written in stone,
pictogram was inscribed on c. Gods.6.27 5 And if it happened that one
a rock, the ape called man re- d. Wil.20.11-12 inscription said something dif-
corded words of all descriptions e. 8ks.4.21 ferent from another inscription,
Gyp. 3.5
on rocks and stones of all de- Chuk.9.4-6
6 CThe priests were there to ex-
scriptions. plain everything.
2 As the inscriptions grew old
and became one with the stone
they defaced, the apes came to CHAPTER 2
believe that the words were
wise.
A nd so it happened that, in
time, the apes came to be-
3 bAnd as generation followed lieve that there was only one
generation, dGod,
4 New inscriptions were added 2 eWho had made everything all
to the old, and the apes believed by himself,
8
Eve messes up LIES

3 aIn seven days and seven a. Psay.5L.7 27 But isn't to be mentioned out
nights, b. Vin. I. I loud,
4 Starting completely from c. Kin.I.1 28 By anyone.
scratch, d. Name.4.7 29 Nor was this all they be-
5 When everything was null and e. Nam~.3.4 lieved.
bvoid, f. Wi/.t9.2-5
6 CAt the beginning. g. Dav.19.6
&39.21 CHAPTER 3
7 And this was not all they be-
lieved, h. Psay.5A.14 YThey believed that God had
8 For they also believed that i. Dav.47.25 Chosen them especially as
they were descended directly j. Pnot.13.1-5 his own tribe,
from the first two people on k. Wi/.20.14 2 Like pets,
earth, I. Carl.3.B 3 And given them all manner of
9 Who were also dnot apes, but m. Ij;v.30.42- special treatment,
4 Including great leaders like
a man named eAdam and a rib n. Grk.13.4-B
"Abraham,
named Eve, Mawr. 6. 6-B
o. Mawr. 19. 12 5 Who tried to sacrifice his son
10 Who started out living in a -Isaac because bbGod told him
fparadise called the garden of p. Name.3.5
q. Dav.19.6 to,
Eden,
r.6.11 6 Although God spared Isaac,
11 But got kicked out forever
s. Psp.3.7 because he was only cckidding
because IIEve committed a great
t. Oth.B.3-14 about the sacrifice,
sin,
12 By eating an happle she got
Grk.26.4-B 7 So that Isaac had sons of his
Adam.46.2-6 own,
from a serpent, & 47.2-11
8 Who were ddJacob and eeEsau,
& 48.2-7
13 IWhich turned out to be a bad & 49.2-3 9 One of whom had a rrhairy
apple, & 50.2-6
Wi/.20.IB birthright,
14 JBecause the serpent was re- 10 gg And something happened
Zig. 16.6-7
ally the devil, between them,
u. Grk.5.B
15 kAnd the arple was really the 11 Something too complicated
v. Grk.1l.6
knowledge of good and mevil,
w. ie/s. 7. 15-17 to remember.
16 nWhich Eve should have left
x. Dav. 10. I I 12 Nor was this all they be-
alone, y. Bks.2.5-6 lieved.
17 Because the apple turned out z. Dav.IO.IO
to be responsible for everything aa. Dav.40.9
wrong in the world, CHAPTER 4
bb. Rat. 12. 6
18 °Including the Curse, cc. Vin.49.5 hhThey believed that after get-
19 PThe Mark of Cain, tid. Psay.5L3 ting Chosen as God's spe-
20 qThe Whore of Babylon, ee. Dav.30.25 cial tribe,
21 rThe Wrath of God, ff. Grk.13.20 2 Their "wisest leaders worked
22 "The Day of Judgment, gg. Ed. 73.4 out a written contract with God,
23 t And much more besides, hh.3.1 3 Called a Covenant,
24 uEspecially sin and guilt, ii. Dav.29.6 4 Which spelled everything out
which everyone is full of from jj. Dav. 10. 10 pretty clearly,
birth, 5 About who was supposed to
25 vSo that there is no good and do what.
no peace of mind, except from 6 For example, if liGod yelled
the one God, "Jump!" at the Chosen Tribe,
26 WWhose name is xYahweh, they were supposed to ask,
9
LIES Noah dooms dinosaurs

"How high?" and then get right a. Bou1.23.1 one ark was enough for any Cho-
to it, b. Chr.10.6 sen Tribe,
7 No matter what it was God c. Boul.18.6 14 And if Noah couldn't see
wanted. d.13.8 that,
8 In return for this sort of be- e. 4.14 15 mHe must have a screw
havior, God agreed to look after f. Rat.12.5 loose,
the Chosen Tribe in his own spe- g. Ann.6.23 16 Or words to that effect.
cial way, Ed. 78.11 17 And so nNoah built his own
Ann. 2.32
9 aSeeing to it, for example, h. Psay.B. 8 ark,
that the Chosen Tribe would be i. Psay.5Z.2 18 And filled it with two of each
specially singled out for persecu- j. 4.12 kind of animal that wasn't too
tion by every other tribe on k. Dav.lO.lO big to fit inside,
earth, I. Psay.5A.24 19 Such as °dinosaurs,
10 Forever. m. Psay.5A.31 20 Which were too big to fit,
11 When they saw what a great n. Psay.5Q.5 21 Apparently,
Covenant they had made, o. Kin.4.1 22 And didn't get to go,
12 The Chosen Tribe built a p. Grk.13.20 23 Although the ark went all the
special ark to keep it in, q. Yks.l44.11- way to PMount Ararat,
13 So that they could read it 12 24 Thus saving Noah,
whenever they got bconfused, r. Psom.8.1-6 25 And making it possible for
Psom.23.11
14 Which was plenty, God to keep showing his love in
15 What with one thing and an- s. Zig.6.3 the oddest possible ways.
other. t. Zig.9.2
u. Kens.36.3
v. &t.48.19
CHAPTERS CHAPTER 6
B ut in spite of the apple and
sin and gUilt and the Cove-
w. Boul.15.10-
11
x. Grk.16.5
A nd so it came to pass that
ftN"oah qbegat a son,
nant, y. Ed.27.5 2 Who begat a son,
2 cThe Chosen Tribe also be- 3 And so forth,
lieved that God loved them, 4 And so on,
3 dEven if he had a funny way 5 Until there were a lot of peo-
of showing it, ple again,
4 Such as threatening to destroy 6 Which convinced God that it
everyone in the world, was rtime to destroy some more
5 Which he did every so often, things,
6 "Like whenever he got mad. 7 ·Such as Sodom and Gomor-
7 And then one time when he rah,
was really mad, 8 'Which wasn't really God's
8 He went ahead and did it, fault,
9 f And destroyed everybody in a 9 Because he warned everybody
tremendous gfIood, not to try dating his}l Angels,
10 Except for hNoah and the 10 ·Which they went ahead and
Ipassengers he took on his ark, tried anyway,
11 jWhich wasn't the same ark 11 Resulting in lots of fire and
they kept the Covenant in, brimstone from Wyou know who,
12 Because when kNoah asked 12 Which didn't kill XLot,
for help in building his, 13 Because YLot didn't try to
13 The 'leaders told him that date any Angels,
10
The Tower of Babble LIES

14 Although it did kill BLot's a. Ed.27.3 15 kThey scattered to the four


wife, b. Mawr. 22. 20 winds,
15 Who didn't try to date any c. Zig. 10. 13 16 lAnd set up a whole bunch of
Angels either, d. Boul.21.9 new tribes who all spoke foreign
16 bBut she was a woman, e. Grk.18.28 languages,
17 And God thought he'd like f 5.23 17 So that they could come back
her better if she was something g. Psay.5A.19 and persecute the Chosen Tribe
else instead, h. Dav.5.7 later,
18 Maybe something quieter, Brd.12.6 18 mJust like it said in the Cove-
19 And so he turned her into a i. Drex.5.2-3 nant .
•pillar of salt, j. Main.27.7-8 19 Nor was this all they be-
20 Which stopped her from k. Jeff.5.7 lieved.
talking, I. ~5me.4.12-
21 dCompletely. m. 4.6-10 CHAPTERS
22 Nor was this all they be-
lieved. o.
n. Psay.5B.8
Dav.47.25
T hey believed that an ape
named RJonah was eaten by
p. Ann.18.6 a whale,
CHAPTER 7 q. Psay.5B.7 2 °But got thrown up later,
F or example, they believed r.
the one about the "Tower of s.
Psay.5Q.76
Name. 3. 7
3 PIn good health.
4 And they believed that an ape
Babble, r. Gyp.l.8-1O named qJob, who had more trou-
2 Which somebody or other de- u. Jeff.6.4 bles than you could shake a
cided to build on top of rMount v. Dav.l0.10 pointed stick at, including boils,
Ararat, w. Psay.5Y.24 still 'loved God anyway.
3 And keep going till they got x. Drex.6.1 5 And then there was "Joseph,
all the way up to heaven, y. Ed.61.3-4 who had a coat of many colors,
4 Because they wanted to meet z. Frog.IO.12- as well as many strange dreams,
God in person, 13 6 Which convinced him to go to
aa. Psp.2.12
5 KFor some reason, 'Egypt for some reason,
bb. Dav.15.45-
6 Except that hGod didn't want 49 7 UAnd it didn't work out right,
visitors, cc. Bks.6.11-18 8 Which meant that there had to
7 But instead of just destroying tid. Main.27.9 be 'Moses,
the tower with a lot of fire and ee. Main. 34. 5 9 Who was Wborn in a basket
brimstone, and floated down the Nile,
8 Like he usually did, 10 xTm he helped Joseph's de-
9 This time, he made all the scendants escape from Egypt,
construction workers talk in dif- 11 With a lot of Ymiracles, in-
ferent languages, cluding "frogs, BBlocusts, and
10 Forever, parting the bbDead Sea and so
11 ISO they couldn't build the forth,
tower any higher, 12 Delivering them after forty
12 Which solved jGod's prob- years into the "land of milk and
lem, honey,
13 But created a new one for the 13 ddWhich Moses wasn't al-
Chosen Tribe, lowed into,
14 Because when the construc- 14 "Because he didn't always
tion workers quit work on the ask "How high?" every time
tower, God told him to jump,
11
LIES Commandments pretty strongly worded

15 Or didn't ask politely a. Main.27.10- 11 qThou shalt be r circumcised


enough, 11 as soon as thou art born,
16 BOr something. b. Vin.3.9-11 12 "Thou shalt not bear a false
17 And so Moses had to stay c. Main. 29. 7-B witness, especially through adul-
behind and die in the bwilder- d.5.23 tery, and,
e. 1.4 13 'Thou shalt not have any fun
ness,
18 Although right before he f Psong.B.B-11 to speak of, ever, because God
g. Main.27.15-
died, he got to give the Chosen 17 loves you.
Tribe one more gift from God, h. Gods.6.22 14 uAnd when Moses had ex-
19 Namely, the "Ten Com- i. Psong.6.4 plained everything, the people
mandments, j. Brit.l0.9 put away their golden calf and
20 Which are so important they k. Hall.15.21 believed in the Ten Command-
always get a whole chapter to l. Krt.5.26 ments instead.
themselves. m. Psay.l.B 15 'Nor was this all they be-
n. Yks.144.11- lieved.
CHAPTER 9 12

A nd God gave the Ten Com-


mandments to Moses on
o. Chr.3.5-7
p. Psay.5Q.23
T
CHAPTER 10
hey believed that the wland
dMount Ararat, and Moses q. 5.2-3 of milk and honey became a
brought them down to his people r. Psom. 7B.1O great nation,
engraved on ·stone tablets so that s. Grk.13.20 2 Ruled by "David,
everybody would believe in t. Rom.22.6-7 3 Who killed YGoliath with a
them, u. Dav.47.11 stone,
& 47.22
2 Only they were already busy 4 Which was some kind of 'ex-
v. Ned.6.24
worshiping a fgolden calf they w. B.12 ception to the commandment
had decided to believe in, x. Dav.l0. 10 about killing,
3 And besides, the Ten Com- y. Dav.30.40 5 Andokay,
mandments were pretty strongly z. Ext.39.1B-19 6 BBThe way the priests ex-
worded, being, aa. Rom.22.11- plained it,
4 gThou shalt have no other 12 7 And David had a fling with
Gods but Me, bb.2.20 bbBathsheba,
5 hThou shalt always capitalize cc.9.B 8 "Which was not okay, the
My name on graven images, in- dd. 9.12 way the priests explained it,
cluding pronouns, ee. Dav.40.9 9 dd And so David had a son who
6 IThou shalt not consume any Jf. Ned.16.9-11 tried to kill him,
Jbacon, kpork or other 'pig prod- Rat. 7.15 10 But David killed his "son
ucts, gg. Ned.29.19
first,
hh. Psp.4.1
7 mHonor thy father and mother, 11 ffWhich was probably okay,
no matter how little money they the way the priests explained it,
make or how many chores they 12 Because David loved God
ask thee to do, and ggwrote many poems.
8 Thou shalt not commit 13 And eventually there was
Dadultery, even if thou art an King Solomon, who was hhwise
adult, enough to cut a baby in two,
9 °Thou shalt not covet, what- 14 And other things.
ever that means, 15 And all the time God loved
10 PThou shalt not kill, no mat- His people and kept on showing
ter how much fun it is, it in the strangest possible ways.
12
Priests explain about messiah UES

CHAPTER 11 a. Dav./4.6 6 Which were pretty terrible, as


F or example, there was the
time Joshua knocked down
b.IO.6
c. /0.6
you might expect,
7 kBut this was okay, the way
the walls of Jericho, d. Dav.5.7 the priests explained it,
2 Using only the brass section. e. Psay.5B.8 S Because there would be a
3 And there was ·Samson, f WiI.8.3 messiah,
4 Who had long hair, which was g. Brit.4O.8 9 Who would 'save everyone in
bokay, h. Dav.29.6 the Chosen Tribe who really
5 And was very strong, which i.2.21 loved God,
was also Cokay, j.2.22 10 mSomeday.
6 And loved dOelilah, which k. Rom.22.JJ-
12
was not okay, CHAPTER 13
7 Because she cut off his hair,
S And had him blinded,
I. Brd.I2.6
m. Mall./3.27
n. Rom./O.4
A nd the Chosen Tribe be-
lieved these and other
9 Only ·Samson won out in the & 7.7 things for many generations,
end thanks to His love, o. Grk./3./ 2 nAnd then God destroyed the
10 'Knocking down the temple p. Psay.2.2 land of milk and honey, com-
on His enemies, the Philistines, pletely and utterly,
11 And himself, 3 And scattered His Chosen
12 Until all of them were flat as Tribe to the four °corners of the
a pancake, earth,
13 Which was apparently okay, 4 To live as best they could
the way the priests explained it, without a country,
14 Because God IIloved Samson, 5 Or anything else,
15 Especially when he was flat 6 PWhich must have been okay,
as a pancake. 7 Because God truly loved His
16 Nor was this all they be- Chosen People,
lieved. S Even if he had a darned pecu-
liar way of showing it.
CHAPTER 12
T hey believed that God spoke
through prophets, F
CHAPTER 14
ortunately by now, there
2 hSuch as Amos, Isaiah, Jere- were other great tribes of
miah, and so forth, Chosen Apes, who had beliefs of
3 Who warned about iGod's their own,
anger, 2 Of much the same kind,
4 Just in case anybody forgot 3 Who went on to do great
about it for some reason, things of their own,
5 j And they described the terri- 4 Which is how history works,
ble things that would happen if 5 Things being what they are.
He weren't kept happy,

13
GYPSIES Gypsies pretty mysterious

THE BOOK OF GYPSIES


CHAPTERl a. Mes.IA had a lion's body and a woman's
A. nd thus there came to be Grk.I.2
Rom. 1.2
head and a Priddle,
ftmany great nations, which b. Mes.I.S
5 And the tomb of King Tut,
knew how to make 8temples, Grk.I.3 which was full of gold and also
2 And bmonuments, Rom. 1.3 haunted,
3 And cinscriptions in stone, c. Mes.I.6 6 And many many stone in-
4 And dwars, Grk.IA
Rom.IA scriptions,
5 And eslaves, d. Mes.I.7 7 Called hieroglyphics,
6 And all the other rthings that Grk.I.S 8 Which celebrated the Gypsy
are necessary for civilization. Rom. 1.5 Gods, who had names like Ra,
7 One of these was the Gypsy e. Mes.I.8 Horus, Ammon, and so forth,
Grk.I.6
tribe, which was IIChosen by the Rom. 1.6 9 As well as kings and queens,
Gods to be the greatest of all f. Gods.I.S-8 who had names like Ramses,
nations, Rom. I. 7 Horemheb, Nefertiti, qPtolemy,
8 hBecause it sat beside the Nile g. Psay.SY.37 and so on,
River, which was the source of h. Chuk.16.I-S 10 And were wrapped up like
all life, i. Psom.l2A r mummies and buried inside the
9 And very important, j. Bks.I.2-4 ·pyramids with all their tthings
10 Because the rest of the earth k. Chu~.17.1-9 and all their slaves.
was a total Idesert, I. Gods.6.23-24
11 Made of Jsand and rocks and m. Gods.6.22 CHAPTER 3
other not very lively stuff,
12 kWhich may explain why the
n.2.10
o.-Dav.S.7
p. Ann.l2.11
A nd then there was _a king
called U Akhnaton,
Gypsies spent most of their time 2 YWho had a funny-shaped
thinking about death, q. Gnt.7.2-3 head and a potbelly,
13 And planning for death, r. Dav.30.27 3 WWhich made him believe that
s. 1.16
14 And 'writing about death, in- there was really only one God,
t. 1.6
cluding a Book of the Dead, 4 xWhose name was YAton,
u. Bks.6.J7-18
15 m And building great big 5 ZAnd who had created every-
v. Yks.66.3-4
tombs called pyramids, thing all by himself,
w. Lies.2.1
16 nIncluding the Great Pyra- 6 nEt cetera,
x. Lies.2.26
mid called Khufu, Bks. 4. 22 7 But Akhnaton died, and the
17 Which is very mysterious y. Dav.41.19 bb apes called Gypsies went back
and old and probably haunted, z. Lies.2.2 to doing things the old way, with
18 Especially because no one aa. Lies.2A-6 lots of Gods.
can remember how it was built. bb. Apes.2.6 8 But that dido't work out ei-
cc. Chuk.I7.IS- ther,
CHAPTER 2 J7 9 CCBecause the Gods allowed
A nd the Gypsies did a lot of dd. Grk.2S.1-4
mysterious things, ee. Dav.19.6
the Gypsies to be invaded a lot
by other ddtribes of Chosen
2 For a very very long time, Apes,
3 Including building many mon- 10 Who took practically every-
uments and temples, thing away from the Gypsies,
4 Such as the °Sphinx, which 11 eelncluding Cleopatra, who
14
Meso-something-or-others MESOPOTAMIANS

was a beautiful queen rolled up a. Grk.6.ll ners of the earth,


in a rug, DavA7.1l 2 <And had to make do as best
12 Who also wore a lot of eye b. Lies. 7.15 they could without anything,
makeup and got killed by an c. Lies. 1304 3 dExcept a deck of cards,
Hasp, d. Wht.37.l3
4 And a bunch of pretty myste-
e. Lies. 14.5
13 Which pretty well wrapped rious ways,
things up for the Gypsies. 5 That enabled them to foretell
the future,
CHAPTER 4 6 "Which isn't usually all that
bAnd so the Gypsies were mysterious anyway,
scattered to the four cor- 7 As we shall see.

THE BOOK OF
MESOPOTAMIANS
CHAPTER! a. Apes.2.6 thing the jeasy way.
A nd there was another tribe
of Bapes, which called
b. 1.10
c. Lies.3.l
Grk.l.B
4 Por example, they built tem-
ples with steps that were too tall
themselves Mesopotamians, Roin.l.9
to climb,
2 bPor some reason. d. Gyp.l.l 5 And called them "ziggurats"
3 <They believed they had been Grk.l.2 for some reason,
especially Chosen by their Gods, Rom. 1.2 6 And they didn't write on
4 dTo make temples, e. Gyp.l.2 kstone,
Grk.l.3
5 "And monuments, Rom. 1.3 7 But mud,
6 f And inscriptions, f Gyp.J.3 8 Which they had a lot of,
7 BAnd wars, Grk.1A 9 In the 'cradle of civilization.
8 hAnd slaves, Rom. 104
9 And were therefore civilized, g. Gyp.1A
Grk.l.5
10 Which is why they lived Rom. 1.5 CHAPTER 3
between the Tigris and the Eu-
phrates,
h. Gyp.l.5
Grk.l.6
Rom. 1.6
B ut the Mesopotamians
didn't stay Chosen for very
11 In the Icradle of civilization. long,
i. Psay.5Q.65
2 Because they never did things
j. Rom.2.22
the measy way,
k. Gods.6.22
CHAPTER 2 I. Psay.5Q.65
3 Which will hurt you in the
T 109,
~e Mesopotamians had writ-
m.2.3
long run,
4 As Ralmost everyone knows,
n. Brit.30. 14
2 Which was called cuneiform, o. Psay.5Q.65
5 Unless you happen to live,
3 Because they never did any- Krt.12.7 6 In the °cradle of civilization.

15
GREEKS Greek fire and other gifts

THE BOOK OF GREEKS


OTHERWISE KNOWN AS THE FIRST BOOK OF GREEKS

CHAPTERl a. Apes.2.6 9 When everything was as it


A nd there was another tribe
of aapes, which called
b. Mes.1.4
Gyp. 1.1
Rom. 1.2
should be,
10 That is, ruled by Greeks.
themselves Greeks. c.. Mes.1.S
11 Nor was this all they be-
2 The Greeks learned how to Gyp. 1.2 lieved.
make btemples, Rom. 1.3
3 CAnd monuments, d. Mes.1.6
Gyp. 1.3
4 d And inscriptions in stone, Rom. 1.4 CHAPTER 3
5 "And wars,
6 rAnd slaves,
e. Mes.1.7
Gyp. 1.4
T he Greeks believed that be-
fore there were Gods, there
7 And were therefore civilized, Rom.1.S were mTitans, who came from
8 And believed they had been f Mes.1.8 the earth and were pretty special.
Gyp.1.S
selected by the Gods as the Cho- Rom. 1. 6 2 For example, there was npro_
sen Tribe, g.3.2-S metheus,
9 Above all others, h.1.6 3 Who, being the smartest of
10 Which entitled them to rule i. 1.3 the Titans, loved the Chosen
the world, j. 5.1-2 Tribe of Greeks a lot,
11 And so they did. k.1.5 4 0 And showed it by giving
I. Psay.5Q.69 them fire,
Chr.S.7 5 So that they could conquer all
CHAPTER 2 m. Boul. 14.11- the other tribes,
T he Greeks built ships with
lots of oars, and rowed all
12
n. Dav.1S.9
o. Gods.1.4
6 Including the PPersians,
7 And the qTrojans,
over the Mediterranean, p. 19.1-5 8 And a lot ofrothers too.
2 Conquering other tribes with Bks.2. 11-12 9 Only, some of the other Titans
Greek gfire and other gifts, q. 18.1 got "mad at Prometheus about
3 hAnd enslaving their women r. Bks.2.16 the fire thing,
and children, s. Main.27.S 10 And tied him to a trock,
4 lAnd building monuments to t. Psom.30.1 11 uSo that his entrails could be
their Gods, u. Psom. 78.10 ripped out every day by a vul-
5 Who were very jnumerous and &30.4 ture,
therefore needed an unusual v. Psay.SD.7 12 Which didn't kill Prome-
number of monuments and tem- theus,
ples and inscriptions and so 13 Him being a Titan and all,
forth, 14 VBut ruined his day anyway.
6 Which the Greeks put up all 15 Nor was this all they be-
over the place, between kwars, lieved.
7 Impressing themselves no end
with their own intelligence and CHAPTER 4
'penmanship,
8 So that they believed they had
T he Greeks believed that the
Titans had children who
created a golden age, were Gods,
16
Greeks have lots of Gods and things GREEKS

2 Especially ·Zeus, who was a. Rom. /0.16 4 With a pair of scissors,


the king of all the Gods and lived b. ExI.52.16 5 Which cut off the thread of
on Mount Olympus, c. Dav.8.7 life,
3 bSO he could be near his Cho- d. Psay.5Q.50 6 Whenever the Fates felt like
sen Tribe, the Greeks. e. Lies.6.1 it.
4 And 'Zeus worked hard at set- f. Rom. /0.22 7 And there were three qFuries,
ting an dexample for the apes g. Rom. /0.19 who were in charge of making
who worshiped him, h. Rom./o.23- the Greeks feel guilt and pain
25
5 Although he didn't give them and suffering,
i. Hill.A.I
any ·commandments. Psay.5A.I 8 Which are absolutely neces-
6 Instead he fell in love a lot, Rat.5.2 sary and required by Gods,
7 And had many children, Adam. 2. 15- 9 Except for rheathen barbari-
16
8 Including rArtemis, g Aries, Psong.59.1 ans, of course.
h Apollo, and a bunch of others, Yks.120.9 10 And there were three
DrexA.ll
9 Including some whose names F&J.14.12-15 "Graces, who were in charge of
didn't begin with the letter "A," Hill. 2. 1-8 something else,
10 Even though the Greeks Ned.30A2 11 Something too complicated
were pretty proud of the letter j. Olh.2.5 to remember.
"A " k. Rom.IO.21 12 And there were nine 'Muses,
11 it being the Ifirst letter of the I. 1l.1 13 Who were in charge of help-
j alphabet , m. Main.27.5 ing the Greeks create uthings,
12 Which the Greeks had in- n. Dav.30.27 14 v Such as poems about the
vented. o. Chuk.17.3-9 Gods,
p. Ed. 77.6
13 Zeus was married to kHera, Ira. 9.5
15 Which are called myths.
14 Who often got jealous of the q. Dav.22.6
16 The Muses did such a good
way Zeus played around, r. Chr.2.5-8 job that there are more Greek
15 And so she had a child of her s. Dav.37.6-8 myths than you can shake a
own, I. Dav.21.7 pointed stick at.
16 IAll by herself, u. Gods.I.8
17 Which made Zeus mmad, v. Gods.6.20-24 CHAPTER 6
18 Causing the baby to be
thrown off the top of Mount
w. Krl.12.7
x. Dav.14.6
F or example, there were
myths about Gods who fell
Olympus, y. Main. 27. 1-2 in love with female Greeks and
19 Which is how "Hephaestus z. Dav.18.5 had children called demi-Gods,
came to have a bad foot and a 2 Which means half-Gods,
limp, and had to get a job mak- 3 wAnd which shows just how
ing armor for the other Gods. Chosen the Greeks must have
20 Nor was this all the Greeks been.
believed. 4 There was a demi-God called
'Hercules,
CHAPTERS 5 Who was very strong and had
°The Greeks believed that the to do twelve labors,
Gods ran everything, 6 YFor some reason.
2 Which is probably why there 7 There was a demi-God called
had to be so many of them. zTheseus,
3 There were Goddesses called 8 Who was very smart and had
the PFate.s, who were in charge to do some labors of his own,
of ending Greek lives, 9 Including finding his way
17
GREEKS Underworld comings and goings

through the amaze with a ball of a. Dav.42.33 sephone got kidnaped to the Un-
string, F&J.14.2-3 derworld by the King of the Un-
2ig.14.4
10 So that he could bkill the h. Spic.4.13
derworld,
Minotaur, c. Gods.4. 7-8
5 Who was a God named
11 Which was killing a lot of d. 7.1
QHades,
Greek virgins at the time, e. Psom.69.1-4
6 rWho had to keep up with his
12 <For some reason. f 8ks.3.14 brother Zeus,
13 dTheseus also had to visit the g. Psay.5Q.17 7 'Who was setting all the rec-
Underworld, h. Mall.6.9-12 ords for having love affairs with
14 Which is where Greeks went i. Mall.17.2 Greek women.
after they died, j. F&J.5.3 8 And Persephone also man-
15 "Rowing across the River k. Psay.1.6 aged to get out,
rS tYx in a boat with gSharon, l. 6.4-5 9 But only on a part-time basis,
16 hAnd the River Lethe, which m. F&J.5.1-2 10 Which is why we have the
made them forget everything, n. F&J.1O.1-2 seasons, the Greeks believed,
17 To the iElysian Fields, Krt.9.15 1 I Being a tribe who believed in
Vin.l.25
18 Or to other, Jnastier places a lot of things.
o. 6.14
where they could be punished 12 When Persephone is with
p. Dav.48.10
for having disobeyed the Gods, Hades in the Underworld, it is
q. Rom. 10. 17
19 kWho were pretty adamant Dav.6.4 winter on earth,
about such things. r.4.4 13 And when Persephone gets
20 Anyway, s. 1l.l5 back out of the Underworld
21 Theseus had to rescue lHer- t. 5.1 again, it becomes spring and
cules, u. Psay.5A.29 summer,
22 mWho had gotten himself v. Swar.18.16 14 tWhich helps explain why
into the Underworld somehow w. Yks.8.3-5 the weather is so unpredictable,
and couldn't get out, x. Mawr.17.4-5 15 uWomen being what they are
23 Since brains don't always y. Dav.20.34 about punctuality.
come with brawn, z. Psay.5Q.52 16 Nor was this all the Greeks
24 nAnd Theseus, who was aa. Dav.22.6 believed.
pretty good at getting in and out
of various places, got Hercules CHAPTERS
out.
25 And the Greeks believed this
T hey believed that lots of
Greek men grew up to be
was a pretty exciting myth. vheroes,
26 In fact, the Greeks believed a 2 Who had to go out on great
lot of things. quests,
3 wAnd do impossible things,
CHAPTER 7 4 In spite of all the xweird
T hey believed that there was
quite a lot of coming and
women they ran into,
5 Like YJason,
going between the earth and the 6 Who went looking for some-
°Underworld, thing called the zGolden Fleece,
2 Even though nobody ever ac- 7 And ran into somebody
tually saw it happen, named aaMedea,
3 Which is why belief is such a 8 Who liked to cut children up
wonderful thing. into little pieces and throw them
4 They believed that PPer- into the sea,
18
Greeks able to believe anything GREEKS

9 Which helped Jason get away a. Dav.21.26 when you can have both in the
with the Golden Fleece, b. Frog.29.1l same myth.
10 Somehow. c. Gods.4.7-10
11 And there was also aperseus, d. Mawr. 12. 1-4 CHAPTER 9
12 Who went looking for a
weird woman named bMedusa,
e. Psay.5V.22
f Ed.45.6 U sually, though, the Greeks
had to settle for one thing or
13 Because he needed her head, g. Ed.46.10 the other.
14 cFor some reason, h. Psom.24.3 2 For example, they had a great
15 dWhich was okay because i. Ned. 55. 7 myth about how RDedalus made
she had snakes for hair, j. Dav.14.38 wings out of wax and feathers,
16 And used to tum men into k. 9.8-9 3 And then talked his °son into
18.2
stone by looking at them, trying them out,
l. Ed.36.1
17 Until Perseus gave her a 4 PWhich just goes to show you
m.9.2
mirror, 10.6 that myths don't have to have
18 e And cut off her head while n. Dav.42.7 happy endings,
she was trying to fix her hair, o. Dav.40.9 5 Because Icarus flew most of
19 Thus explaining why Per- p. Dav.43.18- the way to the sun,
seus is one of the greatest of all 23 6 And then fell the whole way
Greek heroes. q. Psay.5Q.25 back,
20 And then there was r. Ed.46.10 7 Screamingq •
Dav.20.11
fBellphone, 8 But Icarus didn't have a horse,
s. Pnot.9.1-5
21 Or something like that any- and so the 'Greeks made up a
t. Rom. 10. 18
way, u. Dav.7.5
bunch of other great myths about
22 Who happened to be hanging rcentaurs,
v.4.8
around when Perseus cut off Dav.20.44 9 Which were half man, half
Medusa's head, w.4.8 horse,
23 Which is how he met gPega- x. Dav.12.5 10 sAnd very wise,
sus the flying horse, y. Dav.41.12 11 In spite of the fact that the
24 Who flew right out of a pud- z.4.8 horse half was the back half,
dle of Medusa's blood, Dav.14.42 12 Proving once again,
25 Somehow, 13 That Greeks can believe
26 And made hBellphone into practically anything.
another great myth,
27 Because he had a magic CHAPTER 10
bridle,
28 iWhich he got from some
F or example, they believed
that Zeus and Hades had
other weird Jwoman, still another brother,
29 The way Greek heroes al- 2 Named tPoseidon,
ways do, 3 UWho was God of the Sea and
30 And rode Pegasus all over carried a trident, which is a fork.
the place, 4 They also believed that Zeus's
31 Which the Greeks thought son • Apollo was the God of the
was great, Sun,
32 kBecause they had a thing 5 wAnd Zeus's son 'Ares was
about ihorses, the God of War,
33 mNot to mention a thing 6 And Zeus's son YHerrnes was
about wings, the God of Winged Feet,
34 Which is why it's so special 7 And Zeus's daughter Z Artemis
19
GREEKS The r011Ulntic messes of Zeus

was the Goddess of the Moon, a. Rom. 10.20 12 And made Pygmalion's day,
8 And Zeus's daughter -Aphro- Dav.14.34 13 Because all the Greek
dite was the Goddess of bLove, b. Ann.18.26 women he knew had already
9 Even if she wasn't born in the c. Dav.14.35 turned themselves into some-
d. Chr.9.3 thing else,
normal way,
. 10 But from a bunch of sea e. 4.17-19
14 To get away from Zeus,
j F&J.4.1
foam. 15 "Who had a real knack for
g. Zig. 10.13
11 And Zeus's daughter making a mess of things when it
h. Ann.ll. 7-9
C Athena was the Goddess of came to romance.
i. Lies.6.11
Wisdom, even if she wasn't the
j. Dav.14.41
smartest thing Zeus ever did,
k. Dav.J2.5 CHAPTER 12
12 Having had her all by him-
self,
13 dWithout the help of Hera or
I. Ed.60.10
m. Ed. 60. 10
F or example, Zeus had a love
affair with some other Greek
n. Zig. 10.10 woman,
any otherwoman, o. Ann.6.23 2 °With the help of his famous
14 But causing her to leap full AI. 2. 11
thunderstorm impression,
grown out of his head, p. 6.4
3 And afterwards, he wanted
15 Which is why Hera decided q. Dav.14.37
the Pbaby to have eternal life,
to have Hephaestus, r. Mawr. 17. 7-9
4 Which is why he had the baby
16 'And we've already seen s. Chuk.6.4-7
sneaked into qHera's bedroom to
how that turned out. t. Drex.6.4
drink milk from her breast,
u.5.1
CHAPTER 11 Psay.5A.38 5 Only Hera woke up and the

I t may be clear by now that the


Greeks believed romance was
v.3.1
w. Adam. 23.5
milk r spilled,
6 Allover the heavens,
7 "Which is how we got the
truly romantic only when. it in- x. leis. 7.22
y. Exp.9.17-18 Milky Way,
volved some kind of miracle,
z. Dav.19.6 8 I And which may help explain
2 fLike somebody turning into Vin. 60. 15 why the universe sometimes
something else,
seems like some big accident.
3 Such as the way Zeus used to
9 uOnly the Greeks did not be-
change into a Kbull to make him-
lieve that the universe was some
self more attractive to hwomen,
4 Or a ithunderstorm, big accident,
5 Or anything but himself, 10 They being able to believe
almost anything apparently.
6 For some reason.
7 And they liked to believe that
it worked the other way too, CHAPTER 13
8 Like the Jnymph who turned
herself into a quivering aspen F or example, they believed
that the earth was flat,
because Zeus asked her out on a 2 And was held up by a VTitan
date, named W Atlas,
9 Not to mention kPygmalion, 3 xWho carried yit on his shoul-
10 Who fell in love with a ders.
istatue , 4 They believed that all the
11 Which is why it was so great trouble in the world was caused
when the statue turned itself into by a woman named zPandora,
a mwoman, 5 Who had a box,

20
The Greeks get brilliant at science GREEKS

6 And wasn't supposed to open a. Lies.2.1B-24 5 Who lived on an island in the


it, Yks.6.17 Atlantic Ocean,
7 So she opened it right up, of b. Psom.40.4 6 nWhich they named after
course, c. Rat.29.4 themselves,
d. F&J.5.3
8 And let out all the "troubles of 7 °Then disappeared when their
e. Dav.57.34
the world, island was scattered to the four
9 Except that bhope didn't fly J Psom.23.1-15 comers of the earth by a vol-
g. Psom.23.16
out with the rest of the stuff, cano.
h. Dav.21.7
10 <But stayed in the box, 8 Plato got to be this brilliant by
i. Kens.23.14
11 dFor some reason. being the student of a Greek
j. Kens.23.14
12 They believed that echoes named PSocrates,
k. Dav.14.20
were caused by another myth,
I. Dav.14.21
9 Who was such a good teacher
13 About a Greek named "Nar- that he never explained any-
m. Krt.1B.13
cissus, n. Jefs.7.15-17
thing,
14 rWho had an unhappy love o. Psay.5D.l0
10 qBut made the students ex-
affair with himself, p. Dav.20.36
plain it to themselves,
15 gAnd drowned, q. Wil.35.B 11 Which is called the Socratic
16 But who was mourned for all r. Krt.J2.7 method,
eternity by a girl named hEcho, s. Wi1.35.3 12 rAnd explains why civiliza-
17 Who cried herself to noth- t. Psay.5Y.41 tion has gotten so advanced over
~g, &~u the years,
18 Except her voice, v. Jejs.ll.lO 13 'Except that some of the
19 Which explains why when w. Psay.4.1 other Greeks didn't like Socra-
we shout into a canyon, we hear x. Gnt.B.2-5 tes' method and made him drink
our own voice come back, y. Drex.B.7-12 themlock,
20 Or something like that. 14 uWhich cut his thread in no
21 IThe Greeks had a lot of time flat.
great myths like this that ex- 15 Anyway,
plained the way things work in 16 Aristotle was part of this
the physical world, brilliant tradition,
22 JWhich is why the Greeks 17 And invented science,
also believed they were very 18 Causing Hypocrites, who in-
good at science, vented medicine and doctors,
23 And why we have science not to mention ·swearing,
today. 19 And Galen, who invented
W mathematics,

20 Unless it was really Thales


CHAPTER 14 who invented mathematics,
F or example, there was the
Greek scientist named k Aris-
21 But he was a Greek too, so it
doesn't really matter which it
totle, was,
2 Who was the student of a 22 And 'Pythagoras, who in-
Greek named IPlato, vented the Pythagorean theorem,
3 Who heard about a place 23 And Euclid, who invented
called Atlantis, Euclidean geometry,
4 mWhere there was a tribe al- 24 And Zeno, who invented
most as Chosen as the Greeks, YZeno's arrow,

21
GREEKS Greek joke starts Trojan War

25 And Archimedes, who in- a. Psay.5Q.32 CHAPTER 16


vented physics in a bathtub,
26 And rushed out naked to Btell
b. Gnt.6.1-2
Brit. 36.3-4 F or example, there was a
blind Greek named RHomer,
everybody about it, c. Gnt.15.29 2 Who wrote comedies called
d. Dav.20.30
27 And was so embarrassed af- the Diad and the Odyssey,
terwards that he forgot to name e. Pnol.3.1-5 3 Which were about a very
physics after himself, f. Dav.20.26 funny war between the Greeks
28 bWhich caused lots of confu- g. Dav.19.6 and the Trojans.
h.5.8
sion later on. 4 There was almost no end to
29 Nor was science the only i. Ed.29.6 Homer's jokes.
j. Ed.28.6
thing Aristotle invented. 5 He invented the joke called
k. Gnt.15.1-2
"Take my wife ... please!"
I. Lies. 5. 1-2
CHAPTER 15 6 Which is why °Paris took
m. Gods. 7.15
"For example, Aristotle also n. Dav.14.23
Menelaus's wife PHelen, all the
invented tragedy, o. Dav.20.46
way back to Troy,
2 Causing dSophocles, p. Psom. 70.1-5
7 qThus starting the Trojan War,
3 Who wrote about eOedipus, q. Psay.5Y.24 8 rBecause "Menelaus was only
4 fThe ape who killed his father r. ExI.52.16 kidding,
and married his gmother, s. Ed.33.3 9 And took an entire army of
5 hAnd felt a lot of gUilt and I. 18.7-8 Greeks with him to help explain
pain about it later, u. Dav.22.50 this to Paris,
6 Proving that the Greeks were v. Lies.3.5 10 Who was a Trojan and
civilized and believed in the w. Dav.22.62 ltherefore didn't have much of a
Gods, x.11.6 sense of humor,
7 Which we already knew any- y. Dav.22.6 11 Which is why it took the
way. z. Dav.20.34 Greeks ten years to win the war,
8 And Sophocles wasn't the 12 Although they had many
only Greek who wrote plays. funny adventures along the way,
9 There was also IEuripides, 13 uIncluding the adventure of
10 And j Aristophanes, Agamemnon,
11 Who wrote comedies, 14 'Who sacrificed his daughter
12 kWhich the Greeks also in- WIphigenia to the Gods,
vented, 15 Forluck,
13 And enjoyed tremendously, 16 'Which upset Iphigenia's
14 Since Aristophanes was so mother YClytemnestra,
funny that we can't understand 17 Who decided to have an
most of his jokes, affair,
15 And therefore have to accept 18 And then convinced her
them on faith, "lover to help her kill Agamem-
16 Which comes down to us non when he came home,
from the Greeks, 19 Which was a terribly funny
17 IAnd other tribes, Greek joke,
18 mAs the most important pil- 20 That such a great personage
lar of civilization, would survive the whole war and
19 And explains why the then get killed in his bathtub at
Greeks wrote so many come- home,
dies. 21 By his wife,

22
More Trojan War jokes GREEKS

22 Who found out that the joke a. Pnot.50.1-5 17 Who was pretty tough,
was on her, b. 5.7 18 And didn't know much about
23 When Agamemnon's other c. 6.2-3 Achilles,
children, d. Swar. 14.5 19 And for this reason tactlessly
24 "Electra and Orestes, e. Dav. 10. 10 killed Achilles' best friend, jPa-
25 Killed her, f Jra.9.4-17 troclus,
26 And, in tum, found out the g. Krt.39.4 20 Who had dressed up in
joke was really on them, . h. Pnot.26. 1-5 Achilles' armor as a joke.
27 bBecause the Furies hounded i. Dav.20.44 21 Then kHector tried a Ijoke of
them to death. j. Dav.23.15 his own,
28 Nor was this the only funny k.16.10 22 mRefusing to give the body
adventure in the Trojan War. I. Penn.9.12 of Patroclus back to the Greeks,
m. ExI.48.19 23 nWhich Achilles didn't think
CHAPTER 17 n. Krt.38.6 was funny,
T here was a Greek named
Achilles, who was a cdemi-
o. 4.15-19
17.3-7
p. Vin.49.5
24 So he got some new armor
from Hephaestus,
God, q. 16.4-7 25 °Proving that Greeks with
2 And almost immortal, r. Pnol.8.1-5 foot problems stick together,
3 Because his mother had 26 And proceeded to scare Hec-
dipped him in a magic pond, tor pretty badly,
4 Which made him completely 27 Which made Hector run
invulnerable to injury, away,
5 dExcept for the one place his 28 Only he ran in circles,
mother had held on to while dip- 29 Three times around the walls
ping him in the water, of Troy,
6 Namely his heel, 30 Until Achilles caught him,
7 Which will figure in the 31 And Plaughing quite loudly
punch line later. at his own joke,
8 Anyway, 32 Killed Hector to death and
9 "Achilles was a 'great warrior then dragged him three times
and went to the Trojan War, around the walls of Troy, thus
lOr After taking time out for finishing the joke in grand style.
some initial business with a 33 But then, of course, the joke
dress, was on Achilles,
11 g And promptly fell in love 34 Who got shot in the heel by a
with a girl, poisoned arrow,
12 Who got borrowed by Aga- 35 Which made qParis titter
memnon, since Agamemnon quite a lot,
was so far away from hhis loving 36 rBecause it was his arrow.
wife Clytemnestra, 37 Nor was this the last of the
13 And this made Achilles so jokes in the Trojan War.
mad that he sat in his tent,
14 Not fighting,
15 While the Trojans ran up a CHAPTER 18
big score against the Greeks,
16 Especially a Trojan named
T he Greeks knew that they
would need a very big joke
I Hector, to end the Trojan War,

23
GREEKS The funny ideas of Plato

2 8 And so a Greek named Odys- a. 8.31-32 30 Though not as funny as the


seus thought up the idea of the b. F&J.14.10- Greek joke called philosophy.
bTrojan Horse, 15
3 'Which the Trojans thought c. Psay.5Q.66 CHAPTER 19
was an offering to their Gods,
4 dOnly it was full of heavily
d. Ned.8.lO
e. Wit.8A
f Dav.35.25
T he Greeks thought a lot
about things, including the
armed Greeks instead, very big things, nlike what is the
g. Rom. 7.11-17
5 Who jumped out shouting universe all about anyway, and
h. Dav.18.17
"Surprise!" when the horse had what should we do about it.
i. Ed. 70.12
been dragged inside the walls of 2 When they started to believe
j. Krt.2.15
Troy, their own answers, they knew
k. Krt.5.15
6 "And killed all the Trojans, they had invented °philosophy,
I. Pnot.2.1-5
7 Except for rAeneas, 3 Which proved once again how
m. Psay.5A.5
8 Who had to go found Rome, n. Swar.PS.21-
Chosen they were.
9 KBut that's another myth alto- 22 4 In fact, they were so Chosen
gether, o. GntA.20 that they could do philosophy on
10 Though equally funny in its p. Main.22.lO the side,
own right, q. 14.8 5 As a part-time job,
11 As you might expect. r. Ext. 52. 16 6 PWhich is why so many Greek
12 Anyway, s. Yks.116.16 philosophers were also Greek
13 The Greeks laughed them- Dav.23.58 scientists,
Mawr.22.20
selves sick all the way home, 7 Such as Socrates and Plato
t. Vin.6.15
14 Except for bOdysseus, and so forth,
u. Chr.2.2-3
15 Who got lost for some rea- v. Bks.3.1-4
8 Especially Plato,
son, 9 Who had a lot of funny ideas.
16 For ten years,
17 Which was extremely funny, CHAPTER 20
18 And caused Odysseus to lose qFor example, Plato thought
his whole crew, that all apes should be free,
19 Some of whom fell in love 2 'Except slaves,
with isirens, 3 SAnd not including women,
20 Which was funny, 4 Which meant that apes should
21 And some of whom got govern themselves,
turned into jswine, 5 And make up their own laws,
22 kWhich was even funnier, 6 And vote about things,
23 Until Odysseus arrived home 7 Which is called democracy,
weak with laughter, 8 tMeaning rule by apes.
24 And found that his wife 9 The Greeks even tried democ-
Penelope was planning to marry racy,
the first ape who could string her 10 uWhich explains why they
husband's bow, stopped being Chosen,
25 Which convinced Odysseus 11 •And got conquered by the
to disguise himself, Romans,
26 And then kill every one of 12 But not before they had
his wife's suitors, thought up their biggest joke of
27 IWhich is what he did, all,
28 mAnd it was hilarious, 13 Which is the Greek invention
29 Like all Greek jokes, called history.
24
The Greeks start keeping track GREEKS

CHAPTER 21 a. Psay.5y'1-2 was that another city-state was


T he Greeks thought it would
be pretty funny to keep
b. Psay.5G.1-2
c. Hill. W.1-2
just asking for it,
11 Which led to war,
track of things, d. Vin.2.7-11 12 IWhich was okay,
2 BIncluding dates, e. Ed. 19. 10 13 Because wars make good
3 bAnd names, f. Zig. 10. 21 history.
4 ~Andplaces. g. Pnot.32.3-4
5 dS O it happened that the h. 2.8-10
CHAPTER 24
Greeks started writing it all
down,
6 e And explaining it all too,
i.20.8
j.20.2
k.20.3
O ne time the Spartans had
some history.
l. Lies. 10. 11
2 They were excellent fighters,
7 In books, 3 And very skilled with pointed
8 Which is how we know about m. Kens.39. J
n. F&J.12.3-7 sticks,
Thucydides, 4 m And they had a little boy in
9 And other Greek historians, o. Kens.22.4-6
p. Bks.2.1-18
their army who let a fox eat his
10 Who thought we might want stomach for dinner,
to know about their wars and q. Psay.5Y.48
r. 23.13 5 For some reason,
kings, 6 Which showed how Chosen
11 fFor some reason. the Spartans were.
7 Another time,
CHAPTER 22 8 nSome Spartans got trapped in
F or example, the Greeks had
a long war with the Persians,
a place called Thermopylae,
9 And all of them got killed,
2 Who had a king named 10 "Which proved how Chosen
RXerxes, the Spartans were,
3 Who got defeated by the 11 Until they got defeated by
Greeks at sea, Athens,
4 Which was a very important 12 Or somebody.
thing,
5 hFor some reason. CHAPTER 25

CHAPTER 23
A nd then there was PAlex-
ander,
A. nd the Greeks also fought a 2 Who was great,
ftIot with each other, 3 And conquered everybody,
2 Which is the way things go, 4 Including India and Egypt,
3 When you're civilized, 5 And places no one had ever
4 And have a lot of pointed been to,
sticks. 6 qUntil there were no more
5 For example, the Greeks had worlds to conquer,
city-states, 7 'Which isn't good for history,
6 Which governed themselves 8 And why the Greeks had to
with idemocracy, give it all back,
7 Which meant that everyone 9 Eventually.
had an opinion,
8 jExcept slaves, CHAPTER 26
9 kNot including women,
10 And sometimes the opinion
A nd so the Greeks finally
stopped being Chosen,
25
ROMANS The Romans invent "appropriating"

2 But not before they had given a. Gnt.14.B-9 7 And philosophy,


us many gifts, b. 4.11 8 And history,
3 Including myths, 9 Which is why the BRomans
4 And tragedy, invented the saying,
5 And comedy, 10 bBeware of Greeks bearing
6 And science, gifts.

THE BOOK OF ROMANS


OTHERWISE KNOWN AS THE SECOND BOOK OF GREEKS

CHAPTERl a. Apes.2.6 7 mWhich is called "appropri-


A nd there was another tribe
of Bapes who called them-
b. Mes.lA
Gyp.l.l
Grk.l.2
ating,"
8 And means taking something
selves Romans. c. Mes.l.5
from somebody else,
2 The Romans learned how to Gyp. 1.2 9 Changing its name when no-
make btemples, Grk.l.3 body is looking,
3 e And monuments, d. Mes.l.6 10 And then pretending it was
Gyp. 1.3
4 d And inscriptions in stone, Grk.l.4 yours all along.
5 "And wars, e. Mes.l.7 11 And so they appropriated as
6 rAnd slaves, Gyp.lA much as they could from the
7 And gmoney, Grk.l.5 Greeks,
8 And were therefore civilized, j Mes.l.B 12 Like all the "Greek Gods and
Gyp. 1.5
9 h And believed they had been Grk.l.6 Goddesses,
selected by the Gods as the Cho- g. Psong.16.l 13 And most of the °Greek
sen Tribe, h. Grk.l.B myths,
10 IAbove all others, i. Grk.l.9 14 PAnd comedy and philoso-
11 JEt cetera. j. Grk.l.lO-ll phy and history,
k.2.22 15 Especially history,
CHAPTER 2 I. Psay.5QA 16 qWhich has a way of happen-
T he Romans believed in do-
ing things the k easy way,
m. Yks.27.7
n. Grk.2.5
ing all by itself,
17 rWhether you do anything
2 Like eating on couches, o. Grk.5.l4-l5 yourself or not,
3 And having a little urn next to p. Grk.26.5 18 And also maybe not as much
& 26.7-B
the couch so they could make philosophy as comedy,
room for seconds without leav- q. Lies.14A
19 Because 'philosophy isn't
ing the table, r. Lies.14.5
easy,
s. Grk.19.l-2
4 And wrapping themselves up 20 Which is why the Romans
t.2.l
in a single big sheet called a toga actually had to make up some
instead of wearing clothes I , philosophy of their own,
5 All of which saves time, 21 To introduce the idea that,
6 And resulted in the biggest 22 Ilf a thing isn't easy, it isn't
Roman invention, worth doing at all.

26
The Patricians invent the plebeians ROMANS

CHAPTER 3 a.2.22 9 Which the Romans didn't ap-


B ut the Romans also knew
that somebody had to do the
b. Chr.3.23-26
Brit. /9. /-3
Russ.4.l-4
prove of at all,
10 Since life gets difficult when
work, Nip./O.B-lO you can't trust the king,
2 Or it wouldn't get done at all, c. Grk.20.4-6 11 And life isn't supposed to be
3 8Because they certainly d. Grk.20.2 difficult,
weren't going to do it, e. Grk.20.3 12 kBut easy.
4 Which is why they invented f Forg.1J.13 13 And so the Romans elected
two classes, g. Psong.43.l-3 two consuls,
5 bThe Patricians and the ple- h. Hill.A.4 14 So that they could keep an
beians. i. 2.4 leye on each other,
6 The Patricians believed in <de- j. Main./B.6 15 And the Patricians wouldn't
mocracy, k. 2.1 have to do it.
7 dExcept for slaves, l. Psay.5Q.73
8 eNot including women, m. Gods.6.20- CHAPTERS
9 Or plebeians,
10 And so set up a republic,
22
n. Frog.26.l6
o. Swar.lO.l
B ut there was a lot to do, so
the plebeians were kept
11 Which means that everyone Rom. 5. 6 pretty busy,
is free and has a vote, p. Gods. 7.3-6 2 mBuilding temples and monu-
12 rUnless you're a slave or a q. Grk.26.l ments with stone inscriptions
woman or a plebeian. r. Psay.5A.4 and so forth,
13 The plebeians believed in Rom. 5. 2-6 3 All over the place,
what the Patricians told them to s. Bks.3.4 4 Not to mention Daqueducts,
believe in, 5 And bridges,
14 Because the first rule of be- 6 0 And roads,
ing a plebeian is to be obedient, 7 So that Roman legions could
15 Especially to Patricians, march out and conquer every-
16 Who must know, body who believed in the Pwrong
17 gOr why would they have all Gods,
that money? 8 Or qwho believed in the right
Gods under the wrong names.
CHAPTER 4 9 And so it was that the Romans
T he Roman democracy had a
hsenate,
invented a very important new
concept,
2 Where all the senators wore 10 Called "division oflabor,"
itogas with purple edges, 11 Which worked very well.
3 JAnd made great speeches to 12 For example,
each other, 13 The Patricians would think
4 And to the consuls, up a huge r engineering project,
5 Who were elected to run 14 And then the plebeians
things. would build it;
6 There were always two con- 15 The Patricians would think
suls, of ssomebody to have a war
7 Because the Romans didn't with,
believe in kings, 16 And then the plebeians
8 Who had a habit of being un- would fight it.
trustworthy, 17 And sometimes they would

27
ROMANS The Romans make sure about Carthage

even do things the other way a. Grks.B.3 9 And some pretty indecent
around. b. Oth.2.13-14 kGreek poems,
18 "For example, it often hap- c. Gods. 7.7-B 10 As well as some new Greek
pened that the plebeians would d. Gods.7.JO myths,
make history, e. Gods.7.9 11 Like the one about IAeneas,
19 And then the Patricians f Oth.2.15-21 12 mWho escaped from Troy in
would write it. g. Wil.B.5 the general hilarity caused by the
h. Ned.20.20- nTrojan Horse joke,
27
CHAPTER 6 13 And started wandering all
i. 2.1

T hanks to division of labor,


2 The Romans accomplished
j. Gnt.15.5-9
k. Psay.5Q.4
over the place,
14 Something like °Odysseus,
15 In fact, Pa lot like Odysseus,
I. Frog.26.16
quite a lot. Psay.5A.4 16 Only when he got home
3 The Patricians decided the F&J.14. 12-J3 Aeneas didn't qki11 all his wife's
world wasn't big enough for lefs.7.15 suitors,
Rome and bCarthage to be in it at m. Psay.5Y.24
17 rBut founded "Rome instead,
n. Grk.1B.2-7
the same time, 18 Which would make the
o. Pnot.2.1-3
4 So, for the greater glory of 'Romulus and Remus thing sort
p. Pnot.12.1-3
Rome, the plebeians destroyed of confusing,
q. Grk.1B.23-27
·Carthage, 19 If you thought about it,
r. Pnot.12.4
5 And killed their armies, Grk.1B.2B 20 Which is hard to do,
6 d And raped their women, s. Psay.5Y.12 21 U And therefore contrary to
7 e And sowed the fields of Car- t. Pnot.12.5 Roman philosophy.
thage with salt, u.2.22
8 Just to make sure, v. Dav.56.21
9 Because after that close call w. Yks.66.5-6 CHAPTERS
with rHannibal and the elephants
crossing the Alps,
x. Psay.5D.17
y. Mawr.15.22
T he Romans were also good
at sculpture and painting,
10 glt seemed easier to make z. Adam. 6. 7 2 Because they were very fond
sure. of looking at themselves,
3 'Just the way they were,
CHAPTER 7 4 Whatever they happened to be
W hen Carthage was no
longer making things dif-
doing,
5 Since it's so much easier that
ficult, way.
2 The Romans had it easy for a 6 And so the Romans made
while, sculptures that were not exactly
3 And worked on the Roman beautiful,
culture, 7 But real, including warts and
4 Which couldn't be done by so forth,
hplebeians, 8 WAnd they painted sex scenes
5 And so had to be done the on the walls of xPompeii,
ieasy way. 9 YBecause it wouldn't do to for-
6 But they did the best they get how to have sex,
could, 10 Z And having a huge colorful
7 All things considered, reminder allover the walls of the
8 And wrote some pretty decent house makes it pretty easy to
jGreek plays, remember.
28
Julius Caesar shows up ROMANS

CHAPTER 9 a. Boul.8.3-5 16 What with JZeus really being


A nd things went on for quite
a while this way,
Mawr. 15.21
b.2.16
c.2.17
kJupiter,
17 And IHades really being
2 Without much history going mpluto,
on, d. Grk.25.9 18 And nPoseidon really being
e. 7.19
3 And life was good, °Neptune,
4 Which is to say easy, f Grk.20.9-11 19 And PAries really being
g. 1.1-11 QMars,
5 Unless you happened to be a
h. 2.11-12
slave, 20 And r Aphrodite really being
i. DavA2.7
6 Or a plebeian, Ed. 28. 6 'Venus,
7 aOr not a Roman. j. GrkA.I-2 21 And tHera really being
k. Psay.5U.12 °Juno,
CHAPTER 10 DavAl.23 22 And v Artemis really being
bBut history has a way of hap- l. Grk.7A-5 wDiana,
pening all by itself, m. DavA8.12 23 And xApollo really being
2 CWhether you do anything n. Grk. 10.1-3 Apollo,
yourself or not, o. Psay.5U.14 24 Which just goes to show
Dav.20A2
3 And so it happened that de- you,
p. Grk.1O.5
mocracy didn't work outd , 25 The Greeks weren't wrong
q. Psay.5U.9
4 ·Which shouldn't be too sur- Dav.20A4 about everything.
prising, r. Grk.1O.8
5 fSince we all know what hap- s. Psay.5U.JO CHAPTER 11
pened to the Greeks.
6 But the Romans didn't worry
Dav.14.38
t. GrkA.13
F or example, the Greeks
weren't wrong about how
too much about democracy, in u. Dav.14.33 the YChosen Tribe needs to rule
spite of what happened to the v. Grk.JO.7 the whole world,
Greeks. w. Dav.14.36 2 Which is why there was 'Ju-
7 gAfter all, the Romans knew x. Grk.l0A lius Caesar,
that they were the Chosen Tribe, y. Grk.l.8-10 3 Who was a consul for a while,
8 And much more Chosen than z. Dav.12.5 4 aa And kept his eye on the
the Greeks had ever been, aa.4.13-15 other consul.
9 Because all the Roman Gods bb. Yks.66.3-4 5 This was good practice for the
and Goddesses said so, cc. Wil.19.7 triumvirate,
10 And they should know, dd. Psong.57.2 6 Which means rule by three
11 hBeing pretty much the same ee. Psay.5Q.3 apes,
Gods and Goddesses the Greeks ff. Wht.8 7 And kept Julius pretty busy
believed in, keeping his eye on Sulla and
12 Except for the Roman God bbPompey,
named iJanus, who had two 8 Until Pompey's head cCacci-
faces and was completely un- dentally wound up on a pointed
known to the Greeks, stick,
13 For some reason, 9 dd And something else hap-
14 Although nobody should be pened to Sulla,
surprised to discover that the 10 And Julius Caesar crossed
Greeks didn't know everything, the "Rubicon,
15 Because how else could they 11 "For some reason,
have gotten the names of their 12 And became dictator of
own Gods so wrong, Rome,
29
ROMANS The Caesars reinvent comedy

13 Which was when they a. Vin.6.3-15 8 And then they had a big 'war,
stopped calling him Julius, b. Main.32.1-2 9 And sburied Caesar and all his
14 And started calling him c. Psom.49.1-5 friends, including even t Antony
Caesar, d. Psay.5Q.9 and Cleopatm,
15 Or even Mr. Caesar, e. Frog.2.1-2 10 And finally made Augustus
16 BWhich changed history. f Brit. 2. 9-11 the emperor of Rome,
g. Krt.2.1-7 11 uWhich made everything all
CHAPTER 12 h. Spic.2.1-7 better,
I n fact, Caesar was pretty in-
terested in history,
i. Gyp.l.I-8
j. Gyp.3.11
12 vFor some reason.

2 And spent most of his time k. Psay.5Q.21


I. 2.7-10
CHAPTER 14
making it, WAugustus turned out to be a
3 And when he wasn't making m. Main.1O.1-5
n. le/s.7.16-18
pretty good emperor,
it, he was bwriting it, 2 Having discovered that if you
4 To make sure they got it right. o. Psp.3.11
p. Psay.5y'13 don't start a war with your
5 CAnd so Caesar divided Gall "neighbors, you might not have
into three parts, q. Psay.5Q.37
r. Grk.23.12-13 to fight one,
6 d And kept all three parts for 3 Which made things really
s. Psom.14.1-5
himself, easy on the Romans for a while,
t. Gnt.16.1-5
7 eTo make sure that nobody 4 And made them pretty happy
u. Psay.5Q.15
else could get any, about the Pax Romana,
v. Psom.14.9
8 Which made it safer for him to 5 Which means YRoman peace,
w. Dav.42.7
leave town for a while, 6 And proves that the Romans
x.20.9
9 And conquer the fBrits and the hadn't forgotten their invention
y. Psay.5Q.21
gKmuts and the hSpics, called comedy.
z. Psong.53.5-9
10 And the 'Gypsies, where he aa. Dav.41.12
metjCleopatm in a rug, bb. Psong.46.1-
11 And the rest of the world too, CHAPTER 15
12 Pretty much the same way
k Alexander had done it,
7
I n fact, for quite a long time
after Augustus, the Romans
13 Since Caesar knew a thing or specialized in comedy,
two about 'appropriating him- 2 Having discovered that it's
self. pretty easy to be funny when you
have an emperor,
CHAPTER 13 3 Who is a "living God with
nd when he got back, the absolute power,
A 4 Over everybody,
senators suspected that Cae-
sar was ambitious, 5 Including the Patricians.
2 mFor some reason.
3 They thought he wanted to be CHAPTER 16
emperor,
4 Which is much worse than be- F or example, there was an
emperor named BBTiberius,
ing dictator, 2 bbWho invented syphilis and
5 "For some reason. went insane,
6 And so they stabbed him °22 3 And thought it would be
times in the PIdes of March, pretty funny if Caligula became
7 q And once more, just to make emperor,
sure, 4 Which was absolutely right.
30
Romans roll in aisles ROMANS

CHAPTER 17 a. Dav.40.9 CHAPTER 19


aCaligula had a great sense of
humor,
b. Psong .48.1-4
c. Psay.5Q.49
A nd so the Romans came up
. with a new joke called the
2 And thought it would be ex- d. Dav.7.5 Decline and Pall of the Roman
tremely funny to have everyone e. Dav.14.24 Empire,
killed, f Grk.8.32 2 Which took a very long time
3 bPor no reason, g. Dav.15.36 and had everyone rolling in the
4 Which he did, h. Barb.l.I-8 aisles.
5 Until his "friends decided to i. 2.22 3 Por example, the Romans
have the last laugh, j. 5.7 thought it would be pretty funny
6 Which they did, k. Barb.2.8-13 if the Jlegions that everybody de-
7 After which dClaudius be- I. Psay.5Q.71 pended on for protection didn't
came emperor, m. Grk.18.17 have any Romans in them,
8 So that everyone could stop n. Bks.6.11-18 4 kBut barbarians,
laughing for a minute and catch o. Psay.5Y.43 5 Since even the plebeians had
p. Lies.12.1-10
their breath. discovered that being in a legion
q. Dav.15.9
is hard work,
r. Dav.15.20
CHAPTER 18 6 And leaves too little time for
W hen they saw that emper-
ors were so much funnier
s.2.22
'bread and circuses,
7 Which was a hilarious Roman
than democracies, the Romans pastime that involved thousands
completely stopped trying to rule of apes watching gladiators hack
themselves, each other to pieces,
2 Because it's so much easier if 8 Or thousands of apes watch-
somebody else does it, ing heretics get eaten by lions,
3 And so they had a lot more 9 Or thousands of apes watch-
side-splitting emperors, ing practically anything involv-
4 Like the eone who made his ing lots of blood and death.
fhorse a consul of Rome,
5 Which didn't really hurt any- CHAPTER 20
thing,
6 Because consuls didn't have
T he Romans got very good at
thinking up new ways to
any power anymore, make the Decline and Pall fun-
7 Not since the Caesars got it nier.
all. 2 mPor example, they appropri-
8 And then there was Nero, ated a new religion called Chris-
9 KWho fiddled while Rome tianity,
burned, 3 nWhich started in a poor Ro-
10 Which indicated that things man province,
weren't absolutely completely 4 °When a Roman crucified the
right for the Chosen Tribe, Pmessiah,
11 What with hbarbarians at- 5 Whose name was qJesus,
tacking the capital city and all, 6 And who believed in rLove
12 If you thought about it, that Thy Neighbor and so forth,
is, 7 Which was a pretty dangerous
13 Which is hard to do, idea in Rome,
14 i And therefore contrary to 8 Since it isn't always "easy to
Roman philosophy. love thy neighbor,
31
BARBARIANS The Romans learn about sin

9 -Especially when you own alla. 12.11 CHAPTER 22


thy neighbors,
lOb And have killed a lot of
b. Lies.4.15
c. 19.1
F or example, they learned
that life is not supposed to
their friends and relatives, d. Vin.14.23-24 be easy,
11 And are pretty sure they e. Psay.5Y.45 2 Buthard,
don't love you either. f. Barb.3.1-6 3 Or else you won't go Pto
12 But to pull off a good cDe_ g. Psay.5Q.57 heaven, where everything is per-
cline and Fall, h. Grk.5.8 fect,
13 You have to take some i. BIcs.4.21 4 qBut to hell instead, where
dchances. j. Lies.2.3-6 everything is really lousy,
14 eso the Romans decided thatk. Lies.9.5 5 And where you're sure to go if
they were Christians too, I. Lies.13.8 you've committed too many
m. Lies.3.5
15 Which made it easier to jus- sins.
Psay.5Q.73
tify not fighting the barbari- n. Psay.5Q.62
6 They also learned what sin is,
ans, Frog. 26. 16 7 'Sin being everything that
16 'Who were sacking Rome o. Rat.12.4-11 feels good,
every time they thought no onep. Grk.6.17 8 Which makes it easy to recog-
was looking, q. Grk.6.18 nize sin.
17 IProving they'd learned a lot
r. Lies.9.13 9 SBut since nothing is supposed
from the Romans already. s.22.1 to be easy,
t. Chuk.2.8 10 tit's more complicated than
u. Ues.10.6 that,
CHAPTER 21 v. Chr.4.6 11 Which is why it's so impor-
A nd so the Romans started w. Grk.13.20
going to church a lot, x. Boul.16.6-12
tant to have priests,
12 ·Who can explain every-
2 hAnd learning a lot about guilt thing.
and suffering and pain,
3 And trying hard to please the CHAPTER 23
new God,
4 IWho had created everything,
A nd meanwhile, the empire
kept Declining and Falling,
5 JAIl by Himself, 2 As the barbarians kept on ap-
6 k And therefore had to be capi- propriating more and more Ro-
talized all the time, including man provinces and cities and so
Pronouns, forth,
7 lAnd Who really loved His 3 Not knowing that they were
Chosen Tribe, committing a sin,
8 Which included all the apes, 4 VBy loving things more than
9 For some reason, God,
10 And showed His love by 5 Especially Roman things,
sending His only son to earth, 6 Which were supposed to be
11 mso that He could be killed exempt,
by the apes, 7 wBecause Jesus .had said,
12 nProving that Love Thy "Render unto Caesar what is
Neighbor is the way to go, Caesar's," hadn't he?
13 °Or something. 8 But the priests explained that
14 Nor is this all the Romans it was more xcomplicated than
learned from Christianity. that, .

32
Vikings just want to have fun BARBARIANS

9 Which made it all okay, o. Lies.4.15 7 And the emperor was think-
10 And the empire continued b.2.7-1O ing that life might be easier
Declining and Falling for many c. Chr.4.2 if the capital of Rome weren't
more volumes. d. Gods.4.13 Rome,
e. Swor.PS.21 8 But some other place,
CHAPI'ER24 f Zig.15.5-B 9 Maybe farther east,
aThen, finally, everybody g. Psoy.5y'14 10 Where there weren't quite so
was completely confused, h. Bks.3.11-17 many pushy barbarians,
2 bAnd the barbarians were act- i. 2.1 11 lAnd so they closed Rome,
ing like they owned the place, j. Psong.57.1 12 bAnd the emperor moved to a
3 •And the Romans were learn- new city,
ing a lot every day about sin and 13 Named after himself,
gUilt and suffering, 14 And the iRomans stopped be-
4 dAnd the priests were smiling ingRomans,
more and more, 15 And stopped being Chosen,
5 "Because the barbarians were 16 And became JItalians in-
starting to ask questions about stead,
Christianity, 17 Which is another story alto-
6 rAnd were obviously going to gether,
need a lot of help before they got 18 But equally funny in its own
it right, right.

THE BOOK OF BARBARIANS


OTHERWISE KNOWN AS THE FIRST BOOK OF BARBARIANS

CHAPI'ER 1 0.2.17 8 Which is pretty sad.


here were a lot of other b. Mes.l.4-5 9 But they almost always had
T Gyp. 1. 1-2
tribes of apes who were not Grk.I.2-3 Gods,
very acivilized, Rom. 1.2-3 10 Which is important if you
c. Mes.l.6 want to be a fChosen Tribe,
2 Which is how they came to be Gyp. 1.3
barbarians. Grk.l.4 11 And they all did,
3 That and the fact that they Rom. 1.4 12 IExcept for the Vikings, of
d. Mes.l.B
usually moved around quite a Gyp. 1.5 course,
lot, Grk.l.6 13 Who just wanted to have
4 Which didn't leave much time Rom. 1.6 fun,
e. Grk.26.5-B
for building btemples and monu- Rom. 2. 14 14 bFor some reason.
ments, f Grk.l.9
5 ·Or writing stone inscriptions, g.4.B
h. Ann. lB. 12
6 dOr having lots of slaves, & lB. 17 CHAPI'ERl
7 "Or making up comedy and & IB.IB
& 1B.24
A. nd in addition to the Vi-
philosophy and history, ftkings, there were barbari-
, 33
BARBARIANS The Vandals invent a new profession

ans who called themselves a. Krt.2.3 profession after themselves,


aGoths, b. Krt.2.3 6 "Because even though they
2 And barbarians who called c. Krt.2.3 were barbarians, they weren't
themselves bOstrogoths, d. Krt.2.4 stupid.
3 And barbarians who called e. Krt.2.4 7 When the other barbarians
themselves cYisigoths, f Krt.2.4 saw how much fun it was, they
4 And barbarians who called g. Frog.2.4 started smashing things up too,
themselves dYandals, h. Krt.2.7 8 PWhich is how the barbarians
5 Which suggests that there i. Bril.4.2 managed to smash the Roman
were also barbarians who called j. Bril.4.2 Empire,
themselves ·Ostrovandals, k. Grk.21.1-11 9 To pieces.
6 And fYisivandals, l. Carl.3.8
7 Or should have been, anyway. m. Psay.5Q.79 CHAPTER 4
8 And there were barbarians n. Hill. V.l qAfter there wasn't a Roman
called gFranks, o. Krt.3.1 Empire to smash up any-
p. Rom. 20. 16
9 hAnd barbarians called Huns, more, the barbarians had to find
q. Rom.24.11-
10 i And barbarians called An- 16 a new way to make a living.
gles, r. Brit. 1. 1 2 So they decided to smash up
11 j And barbarians called Sax- s. Frog.1.1 some other places,
ons, t. Krt. 1. 1 3 Like rBritain, and "France,
12 And there may also have u. Pnol. 24. 5 and 'Germany.
been barbarians called Ostro- v. Psay.5W14 4 But it turned out that there
franks, and Yisihuns, and Ostro- w. Dav.18.3-31 weren't too many places like
saxons, and Yisiangles, x. 2.1-13 Rome,
13 And vice versa, y. Psay.5N.1-3 5 Which could be smashed up
14 Though there's no way to z. 1.8 again and again,
prove it, 6 And again and again,
15 Because none of them were 7 U And again,
very good at writing things 8 Unless Vikings were in-
down, volved, that is,
16 Since that leads to khistory, 9 vBecause there wasn't any-
17 And ·civilization, place so tiny or remote or worth-
18 mEt cetera, less that the Vikings wouldn't
19 Which just isn't necessary find some way to get to it,
when all you want to do is smash 10 And smash it up again and
things up. again,
11 And again and again,
12 And again,
CHAPTER 3 13 wJust for the pure joyous fun
S ome barbarians specialized
in sacking and pillaging,
of it all.
14 But the 'others eventually
2 And others in raping and loot- got tired of running around all
ing, the time,
3 Each according to his taste. 15 And finally decided to stay
4 But it was the "Vandals who where they were for a while,
first thought of smashing things 16 And try being YNations,
up as a way to make a living, 17 Which is why we have
5 Which is why they named this zEurope,
34
The barbarians stop running around BARBARIANS

18 It being the place where all a. Frog.2.5 time smashing thy neighbor to a
the barbarians decided to live. b. Bril.4.2-6 bloody pulp,
c. Krl.2.1-2 6 Unless you can find some
CHAPI'ERS d. Krl.38.7-9 neighbors who aren't Christians,
BThe Franks decided to live in e. Rom. 24. 5 of course,
France, f Zig. 10. 12 7 Provided the Vikings didn't
2 Which sounded like the right g. Psay.5Y.6 already find them first ... I
thing to do. h. Rom.20.5 8 And so, after thinking it all
3 bThe Angles and Saxons de- i. Mall.13.27 over pretty carefully, the barbar-
cided to live in England, j. Gods.7.4 ians decided to give civilization
4 Which sounded more right to k. Mes.I.4-5 their very best effort,
Gyp. I. 1-2
the Angles than to the Saxons, Grk. I. 1-3 9 JAnd be devout about their
5 But that's the way it goes Rom. 1.2-3 new religion,
sometimes, I. Mes.I.6 10 k And build lots of monu-
Gyp. 1.3
6 Life being what it is. Grk.l.4 ments and cathedrals,
7 And the Visivandals and Os- Rom. 1.4 11 I And write plenty of stone
trovandals, m. Ned.6.24 inscriptions,
8 And the Huns and the Goths n. Lies.I.5-6 12 And even try something
and the Vandals, o. Spic.7.3 completely new,
9 And even the Ostrogoths and p. Chr.l.ll 13 mLike having a tremendous
the Visigoths, q. Gods. 5. 4-7 Dark Age that would last a thou-
10 cAll thought that Germany sand years.
was the right place to live,
11 Which is a lot of barbarians
to put together in one place, CHAPI'ER7
12 d And maybe explains why
Germany has never quite gotten
I t takes a lot of work to have a
good Dark Age,
the hang of being civilized. 2 nWhich is why the barbarians
were lucky to have so many
CHAPI'ER6 Christians around,
A nd surprisingly enough,
there were certain things
3 °Because no one knows how
to start a Dark Age better than a
that all of them decided to do, bunch of pious Christians.
2 eLike be Christian, 4 And so all the Christians
3 rWhich meant putting all their pitched in,
Gods of War, and Rape, and 5 And helped the barbarians do
Looting, and Arson, and so forth the right thing,
into storage untillfurther notice, 6 PWhich stopped almost every-
4 hAnd worshiping the God of thing stone cold dead in its
Love Thy Neighbor instead, tracks.
5 Which is easier to do when 7 q Hosanna , Hallelujah, Hoo-
you're not running around all the ray.

35
CHRISTIANS Fixing the government problem

THE BOOK OF CHRISTIANS


OTHERWISE KNOWN AS THE SECOND BOOK OF BARBARIANS

CHAPTERl a. Barb.4.1S 6 k And therefore don' t f~el


W hen the apes called bar-
barians settled down in
b.
c.
Barb. 6. 13
Rom.22.11
enough guilt and pain and suf-
fering,
8Europe and started being Civi- d. Hill. Q.1-2 7 lAnd thus don't qualify for the
lized Nations, e. lefs.ll.19-20 eternal bliss that will be enjoyed
2 bAnd decided to have a great f Vin.42.10-11 by Christians in the kingdom of
Dark Age, g. Ext.52.16 heaven,
3 They naturally turned to the h. Grk.20.1-7 8 mAs long as they don't have
Christians for help, i. Grk.20.9-10 any fun to speak of on earth.
Rom. 24. 14-
4 <Because the Christians had 16 9 Anyway,
priests who knew how to explain j. Al.5.4-7 10 DThe Christians understood
everything, Lies. 2. 25 that the only kind of government
5 Completely, k. Grk.5.S worth having is the kind of gov-
6 dSO no more questions would I. Boul.S.1 ernment where God is basically
be needed, m. Lies.9.13 in charge,
7 For a thousand years, n. Gods.6.21 11 Which would never happen
8 e And no one would have to o. Grk.20.S in a °democracy, where the apes
think about anything, p.5.16 are basically in charge,
9 For a thousand years, q.5.16 12 And so they invented a new
10 rWhich meant that every- r. Mawr.22.20 concept called the "divine right
thing could stay almost exactly of kings,"
the way it was, 13 Which means that apes
11 For a thousand years, should be ruled by Christian
12 KWhich is the whole reason kings,
for having a Dark Age in the 14 Or holy emperors;
first place. 15 Who would reign throughout
their own lifetimes,
CHAPTER 2 16 Until they died P ,
T he first thing the Christians
did was fix all the problems
17 When they would be imme-
diately succeeded by their first-
apes had been having with gov- born sons,
ernment. 18 Who would reign throughout
2 For example, the Christians their lifetimes,
knew that hdemocracy didn't 19 Until they died\
work, 20 When they, in tum, would be
3 IBecause look at what hap- immediately succeeded by their
pened to the Greeks and Ro- firstborn· sons,
mans, 21 And so forth.
4 Who were heathens anyhow, 22 This was completely differ-
5 Heathens being Japes who ent from the old heatlten Roman
don't understand that all apes are imperial way,
basically evil, 23 Which consisted of apes be-
36
The luck of the serfs CHRISTIANS

ing ruled by heathen emperors, a. Dav.15.51 13 nWhich had priests to ex-


24 Who would reign throughout b. Rom. 16. 1-4 plain anything God wanted that
their own lifetimes, . c. Frog.2.3 might seem confusing to a stu-
25 Until they died8 , d. Yks.116.16 pid, evil ape.
26 bWhen they would be imme- Krt.2.19-24 14 But they also recognized that
diately succeeded by another e. Jeft. 7. 15
every ape had a body too and a
heathen emperor whom they had f Rom.3.1-5 lot ofOwork to do,
g. Zig.J7.6
personally selected for the job, 1S PParticularly if they were
h. Gods.I.5
27 And so forth. going to get all the way through
i. Gods. 4. 4-6
28 Naturally, an important new life without having any fun to
j. Boul.21.9
concept like the divine right of speak of,
k. Carl.3.8
kings spread rapidly, 16 qAnd so they decided that
I. Main.27.16
29 Until there were quite a lot of m. Spic.9.2
every part of the ape that wasn't
kingdoms ruled by divine right, n. Barb. 7.7
the soul belonged to the king,
30 Including the "Holy Roman o. Rom.3.3
17 'Which was okay,
Empire, p. Rom.18.13
18 "Because the king owned
31 Which was in dFrance, q. Gods.4.IO everything else in the kingdom
32 And much much better than r. lies. 10. 11 by divine right anyway,
the old unholy Roman Empire, s. Psong.43.1-2 19 Including all the land,
33 eFor some reason. t. Psong.10.3-4 20 And all the money,
u. Ann. 20. 9 21 And all the buildings,
CHAPTER 3 v.3.7 22 'Except for all the land and
A fter the Christians had fixed
the government problem,
w. Russ.5.3
x. Psong.65.1-4
money and buildings that be-
longed to the church.
they took care of a whole bunch y. Barb.7.7 23 UBut the king couldn't look
of social problems in the most z. Psay.2.2 after every ape in the kingdom
Christian kind of way. all by himself,
2 For example, they knew that 24 And so he got help from
the old heathen Roman 'Patri- other apes called vnobles,
cian thing was all wrong, 2S Who got land and castles and
3 RBecause all apes are basically so forth in return for looking
evil, after some of the king's apes,
4 And therefore no one should 26 Who were called Wserfs.
get any special privileges,
5 Unless they're a hking,
6 Or a Ipriest, CHAPTER 4
7 Or somebody really special xThe serfs were very lucky
like that. because they didn't have
8 And so they developed a com- any land or money or buildings
pletely new social system, at all,
9 JWhere there were no Patri- 2 YAnd never had fun of any
cians to foul things up. kind whatsoever,
10 Instead, they recognized that 3 ZWhich made it practically a
every ape had a ksoul, cinch that they would go to
11 ·Which belonged to God, heaven and enjoy eternal para- .
12 mWho took care of every- dise,
thing related to the soul through 4 Which is why it was so Chris-
the church, tian of the king and the church
37
CHRISTIANS Science and other bad ideas

and the nobles to try to get into a. Boul.6.1 all the books and manuscripts
heaven the hard way, b. Grk.14.8·11 they didn't bum into monas-
5 By being both righteous and c. Bril.1O.8-9 teries,
rich, d. Chnk.3.17 18 Where they could be studied
6 Since Jesus had said that it is e. Jefs.ll.19 by religious bachelors called
easier for a camel to thread a f Yks.133.5 Jmonks,
needle than for a rich man to get g.3.7 19 Who took an oath of silence
into heaven, h. DrexA.7 so that no bad ideas would acci-
7 BO r something like that. i. Barb.7.7 dentally leak out and damn the
j. Vin.49.5 serfs to hell.
CHAPTERS k. Rom.18.J3

A nother social problem the


Christians took care of was
I. Psay.5B.1O
m. Psay.5B.11-
13 B
CHAPrER6
ut even the serfs had to learn
education. n. Jeff. 7.5-10
the important things,
2 bUnder the old heathen way, a o. Jeff. 8.9-11
2 kLike how to be Christian,
lot of apes learned how to read p. Jeff. 10. 5-8
3 Which is why everyone had to
and write and add and subtract, q. pnot.13.1-5 go to church a lot,
3 Which exposed them to a lot r. Psay.5A.21 4 And hear what the priests
of bad ideas that made it harder s. Gods.6.22 thought about the 'gospels and
for them to get into heaven, t. Jeff. 7.1-3 the mepistles,
4 cLike science, u. Lies.2.8-24 5 n And some other stuff the
5 Which is okay, church discovered had been left
6 The way the priests explained out of the gospels and epistles,
it, 6 °Like how if you didn't have
7 dUnless it isn't, the last rites you couldn't go to
8 Which meant that the church heaven, no matter how little fun
had to take a pretty active role in you'd had on earth,
education, 7 P And how if qSatan got hold
9 To make sure that all educa- of you, you might have to be
tion was properly ·Christian, rbumed to death to make sure
10 And didn't get anyone in you could still go to heaven,
trouble with bad ideas. 8 sAnd how all the statues and
11 rAnd so they decided that the paintings of Jesus and Mary and
best kind of education was no the saints weren't really graven
education at all, images and thus could be wor-
12 gExcept for priests and kings shiped pretty freely, especially
and some ofthe nobles, by serfs,
13 Who needed to know how to 9 And how it was really danger-
read and write and add and sub- ous for anyone who wasn't a
tract so that they could tax the priest or a monk to actually read
serfs the right amount, the gospels and epistles and the
14 hWhich was 100 percent, other stuff in the Bible, 'because
15 This being the only amount if you didn't understand it the
which ensured that serfs would right way you'd go right to hell,
not have any land or money or 10 And how certain people
buildings, couldn't be trusted by any true
16 lAnd so could go to heaven. Christian, especially women and
17 Meanwhile, the church put Jews, since uwomen had caused
38
Chivalry makes things civilized CHRISTIANS

all the sin in the world with their a. Boul. 8. 7-9 killed before they had too much
greed and lechery, and aJews b. Jeff.lO.IO-IS mfun,
were the evil dogs who had mur- c. ExI.S2.16 11 So that they could go to
dered Jesus Christ, d. Lies.1O.4-6 heaven too.
11 bAnd how the Pope knew e. Jeff.ll.24-2S 12 There were a lot of Crusades,
everything anyway, so the serfs f Grk.8.32 13 And the knights even won
shouldn't worry about it. g. Dav.19.3-20 one of them,
h. Boul. 24. S-7 14 The first one,
i. Rom.13.11 15 Which probably had to do
CHAPTER 7 j. Mawr.3I.1-2
M eanwhile, the kings and
the nobles had it a lot
k. Bks.I.2-7
l. Bks.4.IS-21
with the element of surprise,
16 Since the heathen Saracens
had a hard time understanding
tougher than the serfs' , m. Mawr. IS. 19- where all these knights came
2 Since having land and money 22
from all of a sudden, wanting to
and. buildings meant that they n. Jeff.lO.I-4
capture a lot of desert thousands
had to prove their Christianity in o. Rom.20.S
p. Bks.4.20-22
of miles from home and talking a
other ways,
q. Barb.6.3 lot about something called the
3 dLike killing heathens,
DHoly Grail,
4 And sometimes even each r. Ed.60.17
other, s. Yks.1l6.9 17 Which was the cup °some-
5 eUnless they didn't do their I. 4.4 body they never heard of drank
killing in a Christian kind of u. 4.1-2 wine out of at supper one night,
18 About a thousand years ago.
way,
19 But when the Saracens fig-
6 Which involved a lot of armor
ured out the knights were seri-
and good manners,
ous, they got serious too,
7 And was called rchivalry.
20 And tried to return the favor,
21 PSeeing to it that the knights
CHAPTERS had as little fun as possible,
RChiValry was a very impor- 22 And went to heaven as soon
tant invention because it as possible too.
made the barbarians civilized,
2 hSO that they always went to CHAPTER 9
church before they went out kill- qAnd so, all in all, the Chris-
ing, tians did a great job ofhav-
3 lAnd got their swords blessed, ing a long Dark Age that was
4 So that whoever they killed about as dark as it could get,
could still go to heaven. 2 rAnd everything stayed ex-
5 Chivalry also made it possible actly the same for a thousand
to have holy wars, years,
6 JCalled Crusades, 3 sAnd nobody had any fun to
7 Which were conducted by chi- speak of,
valric apes called knights, 4 'Except maybe the king and
8 Who traveled great distances the church and the nobles,
to fight heathens, 5 uWhich meant that lots and
9 Who owned all the land and lots of serfs got to go to heaven,
money and buildings in the 6 Which is the most important
kHoly Land, thing anyway,
10 I And therefore had to be 7 If you're a Christian.
39
BUBONITES Heathen rats ruin Dark Age

CHAPTERlO a. Rom.2.16-17 Dark Age got ruined,


B ut all good things come to b. Psay.5Q.23
an end eventually, c. Vin.14.23-24
4 "By a bunch of unfortunate
daccidents,
2 Which has something to do d. Psay.5Ao4 5 Which just goes to show you,
with the way 8history works, Bub. 3. 7 6 Life can be pretty confusing,
Psay.5W.12
3 bAnd so it happened that the Bks. 6. 17-18 7 Even if you're a Christian.

THE BOOK OF BUBONITES


CHAPTERl a. Chr. 104-11 11 Unfortunately, when every-
E ven though life in the Dark
Age was pretty great,
b. Hill. W. 17-23
c. Psay.5Q.62
body stops bathing,
12 For a thousand years,
2 8What with nobody having to d. Hill.S.34-36 13 And is throwing excrement
think too much about anything e. Chr.504-7 into the streets,
and all, f Frog. 22. 7 14 For a thousand years,
3 There were a couple of things g. Chr.6.1-5 15 Sooner or later, something
that the Christians kind of forgot h. Kin.504 can go wrong,
about, i. Psay.5Y.30 16 Which it did.
4 bLike sanitation.
CHAPTER 3

CHAPTER 2 W hat went wrong was the


h rats ,

U nder the old Roman heathen


way, there was a lot of bath-
2 Who were not Christian,
3 And therefore didn't under-
ing going on, stand about Love Thy Neighbor
2 Which was obviously not and so forth,
Christian, 4 Which resulted in a problem
3 "Being Roman, called the Black Death,
4 And so the Christians pretty 5 Or the Bubonic Plague, .
well stamped out bathing during 6 Or more simply,
the Dark Age, 7 IThe Plague.
5 dNot to mention sewage sys-
tems, CHAPTER 4
6 Which were a little too ·scien-
tific for Christians, W hat happened was the rats
got sick and died,
7 And would have meant edu- 2 But didn't go to heaven right
cating some more stone masons away,
and so forth, 3 And instead hung around in-
S 'Since the ones they had were fecting the Christians,
all busy building cathedrals, 4 Who started dying in large
9 gSo that everybody could go numbers,
to church on Sunday, 5 Like two out of every three,
10 And thus go to heaven. 6 Throughout Europe.

40
The Plague makes Europe interesting GIANTS

CHAPTERS a. F&J.12.1-7 4 dSince nobody but priests and


~e
T Ignore,Plague was pretty hard to b. Swar.PS.21-
22
monks had actually read the Bi-
ble for quite a long time,
2 What with so many bodies c.2.5 5 Say, a thousand years or so,
piled up in the streets and all, d. Chr.6.9
6 And it occurred to some of
3 Including the bodies of priests e.4.5 them that maybe there was an-
and nobles, other interpretation of the Bible,
4 BWhich was kind of unset- 7 Besides the one the priests
tling, had.
5 And caused a lot of Christians 8 And it occurred to others that
to start asking questions, maybe some of the old bad hea-
6 bLike "What's the use of then Romans and Greeks might
never having any fun to speak of have known something worth-
if we're all just going to die of while too,
some disgusting disease?" 9 In spite of what the priests
7 And so it occurred to some of said,
them that maybe the church 10 Because nobody could re-
didn't have all the answers, member hearing that the Roman
8 And maybe it wasn't a com- and Greek apes, however hea-
pletely good idea that nobody then they were, had everlost two
knew anything about anything thirds of their population to
except what the priests said was some disgusting disease.
in the Bible,
9 When it would have been kind CHAPTER 7
of nice to know some things
about other things,
T he B.ubonites asked their
questions,
10 cLike, say, medicine. 2 e And most of them died any-
way,
CHAPTER 6 3 But a few survived,
.l nd so it happened that more 4 And eventually some of these
ftand more Christians asked started coming up with some in-
more and more questions, teresting answers.
2 About lots of things, 5 And the ones with the answers
3 Including Christianity, were called Giants.

THE BOOK OF GIANTS


CHAPTERl a. BubA.5-6 quite a while.
BAfter almost everybody died b. Bub. 5. 7-9 2 bThe Bubonites who hadn't
in the Plague, the place &1.53.25 died in the Plague thought it
called Europe started to get more might be nice to try some new
interesting than it had been for ways of doing things,

41
GIANTS Naked ladies start Renaissance

3 And what with all the general a. Psong.57.3


°fat naked ladies.
relief about not being dead like b. Adam. 6. 7
9 The most prosperous, and
almost everybody else, c. ExI.13.12
therefore the Pfattest, naked
4 aSome of them even thought it d. ExI.13.13
ladies worked for a Giant named
might be nice to have some fun e. Rom. 22. 7
Rubens,
for a change. f. Boul.27.5-8
10 Who thought that a naked
5 bIt turned out, quite unexpect- g. Krl.6.11
lady wasn't worth painting at all
edly, that there were a lot more h. Barb.5.3
if she didn't weigh at least qthree
ways of having fun than there i. Je.ff.22.1
Chr.5.5 hundred pounds.
were of having no fun to speak Yks.66.6 11 A Giant named rTitian
of. j. Chr.6.8 thought that two hundred and
6 Only, still being Christians, k. Psong.54.6 fifty pounds was plenty as long
they decided they needed a I. Psom.56.1-6 as they had nice breasts,
c name for what they were about m. Frog.24.2-6 12 And a Giant named Botticelli
to do, n. Ann.l7. 11 thought that sheer poundage
7 d A name that sounded impor- o. Kin.3.4-5 wasn't as important as a com-
tant and worthwhile, p. Adam.14.5 pletely Sbloated belly.
8 And not frivolous and ·sinful. Bks.3.14
q. Ann.l7.21
13 'Differences of opinion like
9 A name like r"Rebirth" this caused big arguments be-
would have been perfect, r. Grk.l7.35
Frog. 16.8 tween the Giants,
10 But because not many of 14 Which caused them to split
s. Chuk.7.2-3
them spoke KEnglish, up into different "artistic
I. Psong.8.2-3
11 Except the ones who lived in schools."
u. Chr.5.5
hEngland, of course, Yks. 66. 6 15 uFor example, one "school"
12 They wound up calling it the v. Kn.JO.15 believed in painting plenty of
i " Renaissance" instead, w. Chr.5.5 cellulite,
13 Which means "Go forit!" Kens. 25. 7
16 While another "school" be-
x. Psong.46.6-7
y. Bub.7.5
lieved in painting skin so white
CHAPTER 2 that it looked sick' ,
S ome of them thought it
would be fun to stop paint-
z. Psay.5Q.50
aa. F&J.14.13
17 wAnd still another "school"
believed in covering up certain
ing pictures of Jdead saints for a controversial parts of the body
while, with flying patches of gauze.
2 k And paint some pictures of 18 XBut all the schools were
naked ladies instead. learning plenty about all the
3 They were right. things you could do with Ynaked
4 In fact, painting pictures of ladies,
naked ladies turned out to be so 19 Which is why art was one of
much fun that sculptors decided the most popular things to do in
to make statues of naked ladies, the Renaissance.
5 I And poets wrote poems about
naked ladies, CHAPTER 3
6 And the naked ladies got so zFinding excuses for painting
prosperous that they could eat as naked ladies became a ma-
mmuch as they wanted, jor quest of the Renaissance.
7 nAnd they did, 2 It would have been BBheretical
8 Which is why the Renaissance to paint a lot of pictures of naked
was absolutely wall to wall with lady saints,
42
The Classics stir things up GIANTS

3 aWhich were practically the a. Brit.19.25 5 And so the Giants decided to


only famous ladies anyone knew b. Chr.2.4 try it all out,
about, c. Ed.30.5 6 Just for Ifun,
4 And so the Giants of the d. Rom. 1O. 20- 7 And to have something to do
Renaissance rediscovered the 23 while the naked ladies were eat-
"Classics, " e. Bks.6.24 ing,
5 Which was the Renaissance f 3.5
8 JWhich, to tell the truth, was
g. Grk.26.10
word for the old Greek and Ro- quite a lot of the time.
h. Grk.15.9-13
man stuff. Rom. 14. 1-6 9 Some of the Giants thought it
6 The Classics turned out to be i. Hall.4.3 would be fun to try science,
pretty perfect for what the Giants j. Psong.46.4 10 kEspeciallyanatomy,
had in mind, k. Gods.4.10 11 Which was on everyone's
7 Because Christians didn't get I. Yks.l44.11- mind,
nearly as hot under the collar 12 12 'For some reason.
about pictures of naked bGreek m. Psay.5B.1- 13 Other Giants thought it
and Roman goddesses as they 13
would be fun to try writing com-
n. Brit. 19. 7-8
did about naked pictures of the Ext. 11.4 edy and tragedy and poetry,
·Virgin Mary. o. F&J.15.13 14 Since about the only kind of
8 And so all of the schools p. Grk.19.1-2 writing anyone had done lately,
dipped pretty heavily into the old q. Bub. 5. 7-9 15 Say, for the last thousand
classic literature, r. Chr.6.11 years,
9 d And painted lots of pictures s. Chr.5.17-19 16 Was recopying the mBible
of naked Aphrodites and naked t. Grk.21.1-11 and making up the DLives of the
Artemises and naked Heras and u. Bub.2.14 Saints,
even, now and again, a naked v. Chr.9.1-7 17 Which wasn't very exciting,
Apollo, 18 °For some reason.
10 eAnd quite by accident stum- 19 Some of the other Giants
bled on a bunch of other stuff thought it would be fun to try
they hadn't known anything Pphilosophy,
about, 20 Which means "love of
11 Like science, knowledge" and was a wide-
12 And philosophy, open field,
13 And history, 21 qSince no one had any
14 And comedy, knowledge at all about anything,
15 And tragedy. 22 Unless you count the church,
23 'Which, according to the
priests, knew everything,
CHAPTER 4 24 SBut was keeping its mouth
T he 'Classics caused pretty
much of a stir when the Gi-
shut.
25 And some of the Giants
ants rediscovered them, thought that 'history might be
2 KBecause it looked like the an- fun,
cient Greeks and Romans had 26 But they couldn't tell for
invented an almost unlimited sure,
number of ways to have fun, 27 UBecause nothing had hap-
3 hWhat with both of them hav- pened for quite a while,
ing invented comedy and all, 28 Unless you count vDark
4 As well as all that other stuff. Ages,
43
GIANTS Galileo gets into trouble

29 Which somehow don't seem a. Hill.C.14 10 Or something.


quite as interesting as naked b. Main.35.1-5 11 Anyway,
ladies. c. Psay.5Y.42 12 rGalileo proceeded to tell
d. Grk.14.27-28 absolutely anyone who would
e. Dav.52.20 listen about what he had dis-
CHAPTERS & 20.11
T he best thing about all the f. 5.7
new fields that opened up g. Dav.41.23
covered,
13 Which got him into trouble,
14 Because one of the ones who
during the Renaissance was that h. Chr.5.4-7
listened was the gpope,
it was so easy to be a Giant, i. Main. 2 7.16-
17 15 bWho didn't like it,
2 Because when you're the first
16 lAnd made Galileo take it
to do something that hasn't been j. Psay.5Q.43
k. 6.4 back,
done for a long time,
I. Psay.5Q.67 17 Which he did,
3 Say, a thousand years,
m. Dav.23.14 18 JCompletelyand,absolutely,
4 There aren't too many Bcritics
n. Chuk. 7. 7-15 19 Except that he must have had
who are qualified to point out
o. Gyp.2.9 his fingers crossed,
that you're not doing it right.
20 Or something,
S And so the Renaissance was p. Exp.9.1-8
q. Chuk. 7.1-6 21 kSince we still know about
suddenly bursting at the seams
r. Krt.3.4 what he did with the two rocks,
with new Giants,
s. Grk.14.22 22 Which helps explain why ev-
6 Who were the first and best
eryone knows that you can't sup-
and brightest in all kinds of
press a really good idea,
areas,
23 IPor more than a thousand
7 bAnd said as much to abso-
years or so.
lutely anybody who would sit
24 And Galileo wasn't the only
still long enough to listen.
Giant of Science in the Renais-
sance either.
CHAPTER 6
F or example, there was an
ape named cGalileo,
F
CHAPTER 7
or example, there was also a
2 dWho invented physics, Giant named mCopernicus,
3 And therefore became a Giant 2 nWho thought that the sun
of Science. didn't revolve around the earth,
4 eGalileo dropped two rocks 3 But the other way around,
off the Leaning Tower of Pisa 4 °Por some reason.
and discovered gravity, S This was very important be-
S Because both rocks fell all the cause it helped PColumbus dis-
way to the ground, cover America,
6 Without stopping anywhere 6 QSomehow,
along the way. 7 And other things too.
7 This was extremely signifi-
cant because before Galileo dis- CHAPTERS
covered gravity, no one really
knew what to expect when they
F or instance, Copernicus's
idea wound up making a Gi-
dropped something. ant out of an ape named rKepler,
8 Maybe it would fall, 2 Who thought IPythagoras was
9 Or maybe it would just hang right when he made up the idea
around in the air, that the universe was made up of
44
Leonardo discovers anatomy GIANTS

a bunch of shapes, a. Dav. 57. 10 9 Since before Leonardo every-


3 Called polygons, b. Dav.2.6 body thought that bodies were
4 That fit inside each other, c. Psay.5Y.49 made of hsomething else,
5 For some reason. d. Barb.l.B 10 Or something like that.
6 This obviously brilliant idea e. Adam.31.6-7 11 Anyway, Leonardo was so
caused 8Kepler to spend his j 4.11-12 brilliant that he was also a Giant
whole life making polygons out g. Dav.41.12 in art,
of wood and trying to recon- h. Gods.4.10 12 Painting the iMona Lisa and
struct the universe, i. Dav.19.6 the jLast Supper,
7 Until he suddenly discovered j. Dav.15.21 13 Even though they all had
that the earth revolves around k. Psay.5y'42 clothes on,
the sun, I. Chr.5.5-7 14 And were therefore the most
8 Though not in circles, the way m. Lies. 10. 11- unusual works of art produced
12
Copernicus thought, n. Lies. 11. 13
during the Renaissance.
9 But in ovals, & 2.17-23
10 Called elliptical orbits, o. Zig.9.2 CHAPTER 10
11 bWhich made Kepler ex-
tremely depressed,
Ed.31.15-16
p.3.7 A nother anatomical Giant of
the Renaissance was kMi-
12 For some reason, q. Psay.5Q.4 chelangelo, who specialized in
13 But was the right answer, r. Dav.12.5 making very big art.
14 For some reason. s. Dav.1O.10 2 He was also controversial be-
15 And physics wasn't the only t. Psong.53.1-5 cause he made very large paint-
science in which the Giants ings and statues of Inaked bibli-
made brilliant discoveries. cal characters.
3 For example, he made a large
naked statue of mDavid,
CHAPTER 9 4 And then he painted naked
F or example, there was a
Giant named "Leonardo da
pictures of n Adam and Eve and
other biblical characters allover
Vinci who thought up dozens of the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel,
brilliant scientific ideas, 5 But it was okay,
2 Like dtanks, which nobody 6 °Because he always put
knew what they were for, clothes on the PVirgin Mary,
3 And "airplanes, which nobody 7 And qGod, of course,
knew how to build, 8 And he also had permission
4 And a lot of other great things from the 'Pope,
too, 9 Who was having a lot of
5 rLike anatomy. wars and almost no other fun to
6 It was gLeonardo da Vinci speak of,
who discovered that the bodies 10 And therefore thought it
of apes had bones and muscles would be fun to watch "Michel-
and so forth, angelo lie on his back on a scaf-
7 Which would make pictures fold painting naked pictures in
of naked ladies a lot more realis- church,
tic and convincing if you painted 11 For about ten years,
them that way, . 12 Which it was.
8 And which was a tremendous 13 lIn fact, it was so much fun
breakthrough, that popes, nobles, and other
45
GIANTS Borgia popes and other comedians

Christians who had lots of land a. Rom.S.9-11 Giant named 'Luther who was
and money and buildings de- b. Rom.S.12-19 very interested in religion and
cided to make a sport out of art, c. Psong.4S.3-S politics and thought the church
14 aBased on the old heathen d. Psong.47.I-S was taking itself much too seri-
Roman idea called division of e. Psong.44.1 ously,
labor, f Psong.43.3-7 3 Which convinced him that
15 Except that it was com- g. Psong.48.1-4 what the church really needed
pletely different, of course. h. Psong.47.6 was a good joke.
16 bUnder the old heathen Ro- i. Psom.23.13- 4 So he nailed a list of jokes
14
man way, Patricians would think called "The 95 Theses" to the
j. 4.19-20
up some huge project, and then front door of a cathedral and
k.4.3
the plebeians would do it. waited for the church to start
I. Krt.3.1-2
17 cU nder the new Renaissance laughing,
m. leff.24.22-
way, called "patronage," popes, 23 5 Which it did,
nobles, and other Christians who n. Brit. /0. 11-14 6 Convincing Luther to try an
had lots of land and money and o. Dav.42. IS even bigger joke,
buildings would think up an art p. Chr.2.13-21 7 Named "The Reformation,"
project, and then a Giant would 8 Which consisted of Luther
do it, starting his own church,
18 dWhile the "patrons" 9 mAnd naming it after himself,
watched, 10 Which turned out to be so
19 "And pointed out mistakes, much fun that a lot of other
20 f And made other kinds of Giants did it too,
constructive criticism, 11 Dlncluding the nation called
21 RAnd looked at their watches England.
a lot. 12 This amused the church-
22 This eventually came to be now called the Roman Catholic
called 'The Agony and the Ec- Church to distinguish it from all
stasy,' the funny new churches-so
23 Which was divided up in much that it decided to try some
such a way that the Patrons got jokes of its own,
all the hEcstasy, 13 Like the °Borgia popes,
24 While the Giants got all the 14 Who thought it would be hi-
iAgony. larious to be a pope who killed
people,
CHAPTER 11 15 And so they did.
A rt and science weren't the
only things that Giants
16 Nor was this the only joke
thought up by the Borgia popes.
played with in the Renaissance. 17 For example, they also
They also had a lot of fun with thought it would be fun to bor-
Jphilosophy, now called religion row the concept called P"the di-
and politics, which the Giants vine right of kings" and have
frequently got mixed up with an- popes who were succeeded by
other old Greek and Roman in- their own sons,
vention, namely, kcomedy. 18 And so they did,
2 For example, there was a 19 Which proved to everybody

46
Machiavelli decides to be nice GIANTS

that the Roman Catholic Church a. 11.1B 9 g'The Prince' went on to be-
was funny enough to stay in b. Dav.14.2S come a big best-seller,
business in its own right, c. Chr.S.19 10 And practically indispensa-
20 "In spite of the Reformation. d. Krt.3.3 ble to popes and kings and no-
e. Dav.41.23 bles and other Christians who
CHAPTER 12 &14.S had lots of land and money and
N ow that religion had be-
come so much fun all of a
j Ned. 16. 7-11
g. Ann.B.ll
h.6.22
buildings,
11 For about five hundred
sudden, a Giant named bGuten- years,
i. 12.2
berg noticed that there weren't 12 hProving once again that you
j.4.13
enough cmonks to recopy can't suppress a really good
k.3.14
enough Bibles for everyone to idea,
t. 3.1S
read, 13 IEspecially if you have a
m. Dav.12.S
2 dSO Gutenberg invented a way n. Grk.6.14-19
printing press.
to tum out lots of copies of the & ZI-3
Bible on a machine, o. Psom.S.I-6
3 Not to mention other books,
4 If there were any,
5 Which gave a Giant called
p. Pnot.12.1-S
q. Pnot.2.1-S
r. Grk.16.4
jln CHAPTER 14
fact, the printing press was
a big help to a lot of Renais-
Machiavelli a great idea. sance Giants,
2 Many of whom were having
CHAPTER 13 fun inventing new kinds of Ren-
W ith so much fun breaking
out all over the place,
aissance literary forms,
3 kLike poetry,
eMachiavelli decided that it 4 IAnd comedy,
would be nice of him to think up 5 m And tragedy.
some new rules for all the popes 6 For example, a Giant named
and kings and nobles who were Dante invented a Renaissance
responsible for running things, literary form called the epic
2 And so he wrote a handbook poem,
called 'The Prince,' 7 And wrote one called 'The In-
3 Which explained in great de- ferno' about a trip to the nold
tail how you could run things heathen Greek and Roman Un-
and have a lot of fun at the same derworld,
time. 8 Which starred a character
4 fFor example, Machiavelli ex- called °Virgil,
plained that the most important 9 Who was the Roman who
rule was to do to others before wrote an epic poem called the
they did to you, PAeneid,
5 Which is the best way of mak- 10 Which was a lot like the epic
ing sure that the laugh is on poem called the qOdyssey,
them, 11 ·Which was written by a
6 And not on you. Greek called Homer.
7 The other rule was just as im- 12 Dante's idea was so creative
portant, though, and original that a lot of other
8 Which is that there aren't any Giants decided to invent their
other rules. own Renaissance literary forms,

47
GIANTS Shakespeare does something new

13 And so they did. a. Brir.32.1-3 18 Which he did by glancing at


b. Frog.26.16 some old rGreek plays,
CHAPTER 15 c. Ed.29.6 19 Which had plots based on the
A Giant named BShakespeare
invented three new Renais-
d.
e.
Psay.4.2
Pnor.56.1-5
idea that it would be really great
to watch some big important
sance literary forms all by him- f Pnor.3.1-5 royal personage get destroyed in
& 26.1-5
self, five acts by a fatal flaw,
g. Brit.32.4
2 Including comedy, 20 In the course of a single day,
h. Pnot.32.1-5
3 And tragedy. 21 Without traveling anywhere.
i. Pnor.6.1-5
4 He thought up the idea of 22 This inspired Shakespeare to
j. Pnor.5.1-5
comedy after he read some old come up with another com-
k. Pnot.1O.1-5
Greek and Roman plays, & 35.1-5 pletely new idea,
5 Which had funny plots based t.5.7 23 Which he gtried out in a
on the idea that a young couple whole bunch of plays,
in love couldn't get together be- 24 Called h'MacBeth' and
cause they were always dis- "Hamlet' and j'King Lear,'
guised as someone else, 25 k And so forth,
6 And couldn't recognize one 26 Which had a plot based on
another till the end, the idea that it would be really
7 When a b"deus ex machina" great to watch some big impor-
came down from the ceiling and tant royal personage get de-
sorted everything out, stroyed in five acts by a fatal
8 Punishing the bad characters, flaw,
9 And rewarding the good ones. 27 Over the course of many
10 This inspired cShakespeare days, even years,
to come up with a completely 28 While traveling all over the
new idea, place.
11 Which he tried out in a play 29 Shakespeare's invention of
called 'The Comedy of Errors,' this new form, called tragedy,
12 Which had a funny plot was a huge ·success and con-
based on the idea that d two vinced a lot of other Giants to
young couples in love couldn't write more tragedies than you
get together because they were can shake a pointed stick at,
always disguised as someone 30 Over more time than you can
else, shake a pointed stick at,
13 And couldn't recognize one 31 In more places than you can
another till the end, shake a pointed stick at.
14 When a "deus ex machina" 32 Nor was this all the damage
came out of the wings and sorted Shakespeare did.
everything out,
15 Punishing the bad charac-
ters, CHAPTER 16
16 And rewarding the good
ones. W hen he saw how success-
ful his inventions of
17 ·Shakespeare's invention of comedy and tragedy had been,
comedy was so successful that Shakespeare decided it was time
he decided to invent tragedy for another new form that con-
next, tained both tragedy and comedy.
48
The Modern Age begins EXPLORERS

2 And so, after scanning some a. Rom. 12. 13 7 gAnd whatever facts yo,u
old Greek and Roman writings b. Gyp.3.11-13 could make up,
about the deeds of ancient hea- c. Rom.ll.2 8 hSO that the audience would
thens like BJulius Caesar and d. Dav.13.1-4 believe they were really seeing it
bCleopatra and so forth, he de- e. Psay.5Q.54 the way it was.
cided to invent something brand- f Psay.5Q.25 9 Shakespeare's invention of
new, g. Ed.16.12 history was such a gigantic suc-
3 Called history, h. Psay.5Q.46 cess that it convinced all the Gi-
4 Which he tried out in a large i. 15.10-11 ants to take all their many new
number of plays, inventions, such as art and sci-
5 Called «Julius Caesar,' ,d An- ence and politics and literature,
tony and Cleopatra,' '"Henry IV, out into the world and start mak-
Part II,' 'fRichard III,' and so ing new history of their own,
forth. 10 Which they did,
6 The important thing about his- 11 And explains why there
tory was that you had to write came to be a Modem Age,
about real characters and real 12 Which means an age so full
events, based strictly on the facts of tragic events that it seems like
you had, some big Icomedy of errors.

THE BOOK OF EXPLORERS


CHAPTERl a. Gnt. 16. 12 RBorgia popes and other good
W hen the apes called Euro-
peans decided to have a
b.
c.
Gnt.16.6-7
Barb.4. 18
examples,
9 hThat God helps those who
BModem Age, they realized that d. Lies.2.26-28
help themselves.
they would have to make a lot of e. Gnt.1.13
10 One of the best ways to make
bhistory, f Gnt.13.1-8
history is to discover something,
2 As quickly as possible, g. Gnt. 11. 13-20
11 Like land that nobody else
3 Because the nation that made h. Psay.5Q.32
i. lefs.7.15
owns,
the most history in the shortest 12 And help yourself to every-
period of time would probably thing in it,
become the Chosen Nation of 13 And own it forever,
cEurope, 14 And maybe even name it af-
4 Chosen in the modem sense, ter yourself,
that is, 15 Which is how you get to be
5 Meaning richest and most not only a Chosen Nation,
powerful, 16 'But an Empire.
6 And therefore the most be- 17 And so it happened that the
loved by dGod, Modem Age began with a great
7 Because they had learned dur- race,
ing the "Renaissance, 18 By all the leading nations of
S From fMachiavelli and the Europe,
49
EXPLORERS Handicapping the race for history

19 Including Bltaly, a.2.1 CHAPTER 3


20 And bDenmark, b.3.1 °Denmark started from Den-
21 And cHolland, c.4.1 mark,
22 And dPortugal, d.5.1 2 Which wasn't much of an ad-
23 And ·Spain, e. 6.1 vantage,
24 And fFrance, f 7.1 3 Since Denmark was pretty
25 And gEngland, g.8.1 small,
26 To discover the most new h. Rom. J.J -11 4 Though full of Pclever apes,
land in the shortest possible i. Rom.12.1-13 5 Who were descended from the
time, j. Chnk.l.I-8 same apes who had once been
27 And the apes who were re- k. Dav.18.5 very competent qbarbarians,
l. 9.1
sponsible for doing the discover- 6 rHaving conquered England,
ing were called Explorers. m.IO.8 7 And other places~
28 And so every nation started n. Rom. 24. 7-16 8 Several times.
the race with its own particularo. 1.20
p. Apes.4.7-8
advantages and disadvantages, CHAPTER 4
q. Barb.l.I-8
from the most logical possible "Holland started from Hol-
r. Brit.4.1-6
starting point. land,
s. 1.21
2 Which wasn't much of an ad-
t. Bks.6.J7-18
CHAPTER 2 vantage either,
T he nation with the most ad-
vantages was Italy,
u. Psay.5J.13
v. 1.22
w. 12.1
3 Although the apes from Hol-
land,
2 Which started from Italy, 4 Who were called the Dutch,
x. 1.23
3 Which was where the hRo- 5 'For some reason,
y. Spic.l.1
mans had started from, 6 Were good shipbuilders and
z. Gnt.7.5
4 And had the advantage of con- clever traders,
siderable experience at discover- 7 Even though they wore
ing new lands, wooden shoes,
5 iSuch as Spain and France and 8 uFor some reason.
England,
6 And most recently JChina, CHAPTERS
7 Which had been discovered Vp0rtugal started from Portu-
by kMarco Polo, gal,
8 But was too big for one man to 2 Which would have been an
appropriate all by himself. advantage,
9 Italy also had the advantage 3 If the Portuguese had had any
of having some very good Ex- Explorers,
plorers, 4 Which they mostly didn't,
10 Such as IChristopher Colum- 5 Except for WMagellan,
bus and mAmerigo Vespucci, 6 Who knew a lot about sailing,
11 Who were just dying to go 7 But wasn't too good at round
out and discover things. trips.
12 Italy's only disadvantage
was that it no longer had an CHAPTER 6
emperor,
13 nSince the last Roman em- x Spain started from YSpain,
peror had left town, 2 Which was an advantage,
14 About a thousand years ago. 3 zBecause it was fairly close to
50
Columbus gets the ball rolling EXPLORERS

the new world that was about to a. Gnt.lO.l4 ered something really important
be discovered. b. Frog.12.13 was JColumbus,
4 The Spanish had other advan- c. 1.24 2 Who was an Italian,
tages too, d. Barb.5.1-2 3 And therefore sailed west into
5 aLike knowing how to build a e. Frog.l.l the k Atlantic,
lot of ships, f Frog. 1.2 4 Under the flag of ISpain ,
6 And having a lot of their own g.1.25 5 mWhich is how history works
Explorers, h. Barb.5.3-4 sometimes,
7 Called bconquistadors, i. Bril.2.1-3 6 nAnd explains why life is so
8 Who were absolutely the best j. Ed.28.6 confusing,
at helping themselves to every- k. Grk.l4.1-6 7 0 And so often seems like some
thing they found, I. 6.1 big accident,
9 Though not quite as good at m. Lies.l4.5 8 PWhich is exactly how Co-
finding it in the first place. n. Chuk.2.8 lumbus discovered America.
o. Grk.12.8 9 It turned out that Columbus
p. Wil.19.5
had been trying to discover a
CHAPTER 7 q. Bks.l.1-8
T he CFrench started from r. Lies.6.7-19
d France , s. Chuk.6.4-8
shorter route to qIndia,
10 Where they keep all the r salt
and pepper and other spices,
2 Which would have been a tre- I. Hill.A.4
11 'Because he thought that the
mendous advantage, u. Gnt.16.9-12
earth wasn't flat,
3 If the French had known any-
12 But round,
thing about building ships,
13 Like an orange,
4 Or sailing them,
14 Which meant that he could
5 Which they didn't,
get to the east by going west.
6 Being French,
15 As it happened, Columbus
7 e And living in a nation that
was mostly right.
was surrounded on only three
16 The earth was round,
sides by various seas and
17 Though not like an orange,
oceans,
18 As much as, say, a basket-
8 rWhich is also why the French
ball,
came to be called Frogs.
19 Which is to say that it was
bigger than he thought,
CHAPrER8 20 Big enough, in fact, to have
T he gEnglish started from
hEngland,
a couple of other continents on it
that nobody had known about.
2 Which would have been an
overwhelming advantage to any CHAPTER 10
nation but the English,
3 IWho never believed in doing
C olumbus's discovery of
America was thus ex-
things the easy way, tremely funny,
4 And so started late, 2 Proving that the Giants had
5 To give all the other nations a been right about the value of
fighting chance. having a "Modem Age,
3 And making a lot of new his-
CHAPTER 9 tory.
A nd so it happened that the
first Explorer who discov-
4 The funniest thing of all was
that Columbus sailed west into
51
EXPLORERS The Spanish take an early lead

the Atlantic several times and a. Psay.5y'1 3 hAnd Florida,


never once landed on either of b. Psay.5Q.23 4 And Central America, includ-
the two gigantic continents that c. Davo41.23 ing ITexas,
sat on the other side of the d.11.1 5 And to large chunks of JSouth
ocean, e. 104 America.
5 aBut landed instead on a j 6.7 6 In fact, it turned out that the
bunch of Caribbean islands, g. 1004-5 conquistadors were even better
6 bAnd thus missed his chance h. Psay.3.2 at making history in the new
to name the new world after i. Yks.36.13 world than anyone had imag-
himself, j. Hill. W.16 ined.
7 Which is how Italy got a sec- k. Spic.3.4-5 7 For example, if there was any
ond chance at getting a good I. 9.9 kgold around, they could smell it
start in the race for history, m. Chr.2.5-8 all the way from Spain,
8 Since the Italian Explorer n: Jefs.ll.19 8 And therefore got very good
C Amerigo Vespucci recognized
o. Rom. 2. 8-10 at navigating from Spain to
Columbus's mistake, p. Boul.14.9-12
places where the Indians,
q. Chr.204 9 As the native Americans were
9 And promptly named the new
world after himself, r. Gypo4.7 called,
s. Dav.5204
10 Which turned out to be an- 10 'For some reason,
t. Psongo45.3
other very funny joke, 11 Had worked hard to mine
u. Chr.6.7
11 Because Amerigo forgot to gold and tum it into mheathen
v. Dav.5204
help himself to everything, jewelry and art.
12 Which isn't a smart thing to 12 Being pretty ardent nChris-
do, tians, the conquistadors disap-
13 dEspecially when there are a proved of heathen jewelry and
lot of Spaniards around. art,
14 And so it happened that Italy 13 Especially when it was made
got pretty well fed up with trying of gold,
to make history and be a eCho- 14 And °appropriated it from
sen Nation for a second time, the Indians,
15 Which would have been a 15 So that it could be taken back
record anyway, to Spain and used in a Pproper
16 And became thoroughly Christian way,
funny instead, 16 Thus saving the qIndians
17 For the rest of recorded hu- from eternal hell and damnation,
man history. 17 rWhich was a particular spe-
cialty of the Spanish.
CHAPTER 11 18 For example, there was a
M eanwhile, the Spanish
were winning. The'Span-
conquistador named ·Cortes who
saved the Aztecs from eternal
ish Explorers may not have been hell and damnation,
very good at finding new conti- 19 'By taking all their gold,
nents, but they knew a lot about 20 And converting them to
helping themselves, Christianity,
2 Which is why they helped 21 UBy killing most of them.
themselves to most of the 22 There was another v conquis-
gCaribbean islands, tador who saved the Inca,

52
Portugal gets discouraged EXPLORERS

23 SBy taking all their gold, a. 11.19 14 And much too hot,
24 bAnd converting them to b. 11.20 15 And full of insects and poi-
Christianity, c. 1l.21 sonous snakes,
25 CBy killing most of them. d. Dav.52.4 16 Which discouraged Portugal
26 And there was yet another e. Spic.12.6 so much that it gave up trying to
dconquistador who performed f 5.1-5 make history altogether,
the same great service for the g. 9.11-12 17 And never got to be a mCho-
Mayans, h. 1.11 sen Nation.
27 And soon, i. 1.12
28 Which is why so many ena_ j. 1.14 CHAPI'ER13
tions in Central and South Amer-
ica are Christian and still speak
k. ll. 7
I. Hill. W.14-15
W hile all of this great his-
tory was being made in
Spanish today, m. 1.4..5 the new world, the RDanish were
29 Except for the ones who n. 3.1 still trying to figure out how to
speak Portuguese. 0.4.6 get started.
p.9.IO 2 Eventually they decided that
q.9.3
CHAPTER 12 the best way to make history
P ortugal had an Explorer
named 'Magellan,
wasn't by discovering new
worlds,
2 IWho wanted to go around the 3 But by making pastry.
world, 4 This turned out to be incor-
3 And so he did, rect,
4 bBut he never really under- 5 So Denmark stopped trying to
stood the part about going ashore make history,
in some new place, 6 And decided it would be bet-
5 IAnd taking everything you ter to forget about everything,
can find, 7 Except pastry,
6 JAnd then naming the whole 8 Which they did,
place after yourself, 9 And explains why Denmark
7 Which maybe explains why lost its chance to be a Chosen
he died en route round the Nation too.
world,
8 Without doing any of the re- CHAPI'ER14
ally important colonial things. . The Dutch started out much
9 Still, the Portuguese did man- better than the Danish,
age to discover an eastern chunk °cleverly deciding that the best
of South America that didn't way to go east to Plndia was by
have any gold to speak of, sailing east to India.
10 And therefore escaped the at- 2 When it turned out that India
tention of the kSpanish conquis- was right where they thought it
tadors, was, they made some good
11 Which gave Portugal a sur- money trading in spices.
prisingly large amount of land to 3 Getting adventurous, they
help themselves to, then sailed west with the idea of
12 Except that it was IBrazil, arriving at a destination in the
13 And almost completely cov- west",
ered with jungle, 4 Having decided that they'd

53
EXPLORERS The French settle for leftovers

found a solid approach to the a.12.1-3 to have any gold-mining Indians


discovery business. b. Psong.45.1-5 in it,
5 But a lot like the aPortuguese, c. 11.21 7 And the middle part of North
the Dutch also failed to become d.l.9 America,
a Chosen Nation, e. &t.48.19 8 mWhich had too many angry
6 Because they forgot that the f Brd.7.7 Indians in it that didn't even
purpose of history was to make g.4.7-8 know what gold was,
history, h. 7.6 9 And a little nGuiana that sat
7 bNotjust money, i. Psay.5A.34 right next to Holland's and was
8 And therefore failed to do j. Brit.26.15 about as useful.
enough of the right colonial k. Psay.5Q.74 10 Disappointed in their new
things, I. Psay.5Q.43 world discoveries, the French
9 <Like convert all the Indians, m. Psay.5Q.56 eventually discovered large
10 d And help themselves to vast n. 14.13 chunks of Africa,
chunks ofterritory, o. Psay.5Q.14 11 °That were too hot and awful
p. 1.5-6
11 Until it was really too late, for anyone to want them but the
q. Frog.l.6 French.
12 And the only remaining un-
r. Brit.40.8
appropriated land was the land 12 But, being from France, the
s. 8.1
nobody else wanted, French people refused to give up
t. 8.3
13 Like a little Guiana on the their quest to be a PChosen Na-
u. Brit.24.8
edge of South America, tion, and kept on trying to make
v. Psay.5R.9
14 And ·South Africa. history for many many years,
15 And so, with the exception 13 qUntil a lot of other nations
of some f slave trading and a war finally made them stop.
or two along the way, the Dutch 14 Anyway,
also stopped making history and 15 The French, being from
decided to be picturesque in- France, decided to rstick it out
stead, and do what they could to make
16 With a lot of windmills, history in the new world,
17 Tulips, 16 In strange French ways,
18 And gwooden shoes. 17 For as long as possible,
18 And so they did.

CHAPrER15 CHAPrER16
W hen the hFrench finally
figured out how to build a
T he "English, being tEnglish,
set about becoming a power
ship that could sail across the in the new world in the most
Atlantic, imost of the best land eccentric and backward way
had already been taken, they could think of.
2 And so they made do with the 2 Instead of sending ships out to
best leftovers they could find, conquer territory in. the new
3 Including most of JCanada, world,
4 kWhich was too cold and aw- 3 UThey sent exiles and out-
ful to have a lot of gold-mining casts,
Indians in it, 4 Unarmed,
5 And Haiti, 5 •And generally peace-loving,
6 'Which was too hot and awful 6 To establish pathetic little col-

54
Spain is attached to Europe SPICS

onies that usually died of cold a. Hill.A.4 board of North America,


and starvation during the first b. Psong.9.1-2 16 And the most highly ad-
winter. c. Dav.32.4 vanced and lucrative of all the
7 While this brilliant colonial d. Mes.2.5 European holdings in the new
strategy was getting under way, &3.2
world,
they also did what they could to e. Brit.31.8 17 gSomehow.
irritate the aSpanish, f Yks.6.2-17
g. Adam. 3. 17
8 By sinking all the Spanish CHAPTERl7
ships they could find in the At-
lantic,
h. Psay.5Q.46
i. Psay.5Q.56 A nd so the Explorers started
the Modern Age with a lot
9 bAnd occasionally unloading of rushing around,
them first, 2 And a lot of discovering,
10 Though not always. 3 And a lot of important history,
11 Then they sent cSir Walter 4 Which decided who would
Raleigh and some other Brit have a chance to be the Chosen
lords to the new world to bring Nation,
back tobacco leaves, 5 And who wouldn't.
12 Which they didd, 6 And the nations who had the
13 Thus showing the Spanish best chance to be the Chosen
who really deserved to be the Nation worked so hard that they
Chosen Nation, each made up a history of their
14 ·Somehow. own,
15 rAnd eventually, the excep- 7 hWhich a lot of people still
tionally clever British colonial believe today,
strategy resulted in British con- 8 And is how history works,
trol of most of the eastern sea- 9 iLife being what it is.

THE BOOK OF SPIeS


OTHERWISE KNOWN AS THE BOOK OF EL DORADO

CHAPTERl a. Barb.4.18 2 The knuckles are called the


T here was a place called
Spain attached to the conti-
b. Swar.36.3
c. Carl.3.8
Pyrenees. The people who
live in the Pyrenees are called
nent of "Europe. Constantly d. Vin.I.25 dBasques.
afraid of losing its blink with e. lefs. 7. 15 3 The people who live in Spain
Europe and thereby its only f Gnt.16.6-7 are called Spics. ·They never
claim to "civilization, Spain has liked being called Spics, but who
hung on to the south coast of would?
France with a white-knuckled 4 The Spics tried to make rhis-
grip for thousands of years. tory for a long time, but eventu-

55
SPICS Spain becomes sort of civilized

ally they got tired and stopped. a. Wil.68.13-19 5 iSomewhere to the west,
5 This is their astory. b. Rom. 11. 1-2 6 Unfortunately for the west,
c. Rom.5.1-7 7 But before they could go there
CHAPTER 2 d. Rom.12.5-9 and steal all the gold, they
N obody knows anything
about the Spics before
e. Rom.12.1-4
j Psay.5Q.53
needed some lessons on how to
be exceptionally cruel and brutal
bCaesar discovered they were g. Mall.6.24-25 and intolerant and bloodthirsty,
there, h. Psong.16.1-4 8 JWhich they got from the
2 Living in the Roman world, i. Psay.5Q.30 Moslems,
but not in the Roman Way, j. 8ks.4.1-6 9 Who conquered Spain after
3 cWhich is to say they didn't k. Rom. 19. 1-2 the kDecline and Fall of Rome,
have enough viaducts and roads l. 19.8 10 And taught the Spics plenty.
and Roman troops marching m.lefs.ll.19
back and forth. n. Dav.15.20 CHAPTER 4
4 dCaesar corrected this situa-
tion by conquering the Spics,
o. Chr.2.13-21
p. Chr.3.23-26
q. Chr.4.1-3
W hen the Moslems had
taught the Spics every-
5 Which made history, thing they knew, they finally
r. Chr.5.13-16
6 "Because everything that Cae- left,
s. 2.10
sar did he wrote down in his own 2 Which made it possible for
t. Grk.8.32
book of history, Spain to become a civilized na-
u.3.8
7 So that hundreds of genera- tion,
tions of schoolchildren could 3 Which they did,
read about it. 4 ISort of.
8 That's how everybody else in 5 They built plenty of buildings
the world found out the Spics and churches,
were there, 6 Having become thoroughly
9 Except the Spics, of course, mChristian,
who already knew they were 7 Since the Moslems had taught
there, the Spics that it's impossible to
10 Which was lucky for them become completely cruel and
because they couldn't read any- brutal and intolerant and blood-
way. thirsty unless you believe in a
major religion based on RLove
CHAPTER 3 Thy Neighbor and so forth.
H aving been noticed by the
world, the Spics had a hard
8 Thanks to being Christian,
they also embraced the °divine
time of it for a long while. right of kings and Pnobles and
2 fSpain is mostly a desert, qserfs and so forth,
which means that the view con- 9 Which they adapted to their
sists mostly of hot sand, own particular style.
3 And mirages, which are hallu- 10 For example, unlike rEuro-
cinations caused by hot sand. pean nobles, Spic nobles thought
4 What with not reading and all, it was a sign of "good breeding
the Spics were unduly influ- that they couldn't read or write,
enced by their gmirages, which 11 Which left them plenty of
made them believe that there free time for riding 'horses and
was a land made completely of sticking their uswords into any-
hgold, thing that moved,
56
The bUllfight gets a whole chapter SPICS

12 Including bulls, which is a. Zig.6.3 tures all the mystique of Spain


how the Spics happened to make b. /4.9 and has helped the world immea-
their one unique contribution to c. Psay.5Q.75 surably in appreciating the Spics
the world of sports, d. Dav./5.9 for the brave, violent, stupid ani-
13 Which is called the bullfight, e. Gnt./5.17-19 mals they are.
14 And since it is so interesting f Psay.5Q.75
to so many people, g. Psay.5Q.75
15 8For some reason, h. Psay.5Q.75 CHAPTER 6
16 bAnd has even had books
written about it,
i. Psom.60.1-2
j. Kens. 7. 7-9
k. Mall.6.9-19
U nfortunately, the Spics'
aversion to reading and
17 Deserves a whole chapter all writing made it harder for them
to itself. I. Wi!. 50. 8-9 to make history,
m. Dav.1D.l0 2 kSince when something hap-
n.4.10 pens and nobody writes it down,
CHAPTERS o. Ed.27.5 it's a lot like it never happened
T he bullfight is not a sport
exactly,
p. Dav.12.5
q. 7.4
at all,
3 IWhich is one way to sum up
2 Because it is not a fight ex- Spic culture.
actly, 4 For example, the Spics had
3 (But an execution, which has one historical figure,
always been a favorite pastime 5 Known as mEl Cid,
of Spics. 6 Who did something or other,
4 The way it works is, the bull 7 But no one really knows what
thinks he has a chance to get the it was.
bullfighter, called the dMatador, 8 The Spics also produced one
which he does, work of literature, called 'Don
5 But since getting the Mata- Quixote,' which was written by
dor won't save him anyway, a prisoner,
the bull is regarded as a "tragic 9 nWho fortunately was low
figure, enough on the Spic social scale
6 A lot like a Spanish noble- that he could get away with be-
man, ing able to write.
7 Who is also very brave, very 10 'Don Quixote' is the story of
violent, very stupid, and very an old tall Spic who tilted wind-
likely to die without learning mills for a living,
anything new. 11 With a short squire named
8 f And so the tragic bull tries to °Sancho Panza who pushed on
get the Matador and gets stuck the lower part of the windmill,
with a bunch of pointed sticks 12 While PDon Quixote pushed
instead, on the upper part of the wind-
9 g And is made to look very mill, from the other side.
foolish with a lot of veronicas 13 This method of windmill
and such, tilting is the only known accom-
10 hBefore he gets transfixed by plishment of Spic technology,
a sword at the end of the fight 14 Except, of course, for the
and idies bleeding in the hot many religious artifacts they de-
sand. veloped during the qSpanish In-
11 JThis beautiful event cap- quisition.
57
SPICS A mirage called El Dorado

CHAPTER 7 a.Ont.I.13 saving the souls of the people


T he Spanish Inquisition was
what the Spies had instead
b. Chr.IO.I-7
c. Chr.9.1-7
who had gotten involved with
the wrong ideas,
of a "Renaissance. d. leff. 10.5-9 11 Including religious gheretics,
2 When the rest of Europe de- e. Psay.5Q.75 and philosophers, and scientists,
cided to stop having a bDark Age f Psay.5Q.62 and artists, and Jews, of course,
and start thinking about a lot of g. ExI.48.35 12 hAnd especially Jews.
things, and reading and writing h. Chr.6.10 13 iThey did this by tearing
about a lot of things, and then i. 7.7 them limb from limb, disem-
making up art and science and j. lefs.7.46 boweling them, burning them to
history and new interpretations k. Exp.1.3-6 death, and so forth,
of religion, the Spies got very l. 3.4-5 14 Whieh as you'll recall, is the
upset. m. Exp.1.9-16 very best way to get into heaven,
3 To them, having a "Dark Age n. 7.4-6 15 jlfyou're a Christian.
wasn't just some thousand-year o. Exp.9.1-8
fad, but the basis of their whole p. Psay.5Q.75
culture, and they weren't going CHAPTERS
to stand around and do nothing
while the whole world went to
T here was one new idea that
the Spies liked, though, and
hell in a hand basket. that was the Renaissance inven-
4 So they set up an dInquisition tion called making khistory.
to look into the new ways of 2 IThe Spies realized that their
thinking and reading and writing ancient desire to go west and
and so forth, hunt for the mirage called El
5 And since they couldn't read, Dorado,
they naturally had to ask people 3 Meaning "City of Gold,"
to explain the new things to 4 mWas perfectly in line with
them, the new fad called Exploring the
6 Which they did, with the help World.
of religious artifacts that encour- 5 Besides, the Spics were very
aged people to cooperate with religious and knew that what
them. with the DInquisition and all, if
7 "For example, the Spies had they wanted to save more souls
artifacts that encouraged people for Christianity, they needed to
to cooperate by tearing them find new blood.
limb from limb, disemboweling 6 And so the Spics, who were
them, burning them to death, not very clever at reading maps,
and so forth. 7 Or anything else,
8 The more they looked into it, 8 °Hired an Italian Explorer
the more convinced they were named Christopher Columbus to
that the new ways were evil and find a New World for them.
unchristian, 9 He succeeded, and for the
9 fBecause look at what hap- very first time, the Spics had a
pened to the people who were real chance to make history all
involved with these new ways. by themselves,
10 And so, being Christian, 10 PAnd even become a Chosen
they helped out all they could by Nation.

58
The Spies have fun in the New World SPICS

CHAPTER 9 a.8.3 bles called conquistadors,


I n fact, the Spics had a very b. Vin.50. 11-16
good time in the New World. c. Jeff. 12.3
7 Who had names like hPizarro
and iCortes and jCoronado and
They searched for 8EI Dorado all d. 7.10 virtually annihilated, which is to
over the place, e. Cen.26.19 say converted, native cultures
2 Very thoroughly, f Boul.21.9 with names like the k Aztecs, the
3 And basked the natives for g. Lies. 6. I I Mayans, and the Incas.
help, using many of the c same h. Exp. ll. 22 8 And while all this progress
artifacts that had worked so well i. Exp. ll. 18 was under way in the New
for them during the Inquisition, j. Brit. 15.40-41 World, the Atlantic Ocean was
4 dThen thanked the natives for k.Oth.3.1-l3 full of Spanish galleons taking
their help by saving their souls, I. Psay.5Q.68 gold back to Spain.
5 And even stayed with the na- m. Brit. 9. 1-8
tives who were left to make sure n. Brit. 13.4-6 CHAPTER 11
that they did everything the o. Dav.20.28
Christian way, p. Dav.46. 15 T he galleons full of gold at-
tracted the attention of other
6 ·Which means handing over q. Brit.l3. 7-10 coqntries who were trying to be-
all your gold to the Spics so that r. Psay.5Y.27 come the Chosen Nation,
they can send it back to Spain to s. Yks.30.1-48 2 Notably England,
finance more expeditions in 3 Who thought that IBritannia
search of EI Dorado. should rule the waves,
4 m And everything else for that
CHAPTER 10 matter,
I n this way, the Spics estab-
lished colonies throughout the
5 And so the "English queen,
named °Elizabeth, sent PSir
New World, including Florida, Francis Drake to sink the Span-
Mexico, Puerto Rico, Califor- ish Armada,
nia, and too many places in 6 Which is a Spic term meaning
South America to remember, as "to put all your eggs in one
well as a place called the Philip- basket. "
pines, which was so far away 7 Outnumbered and outgunned,
from anywhere that nobody else Sir Francis succeeded in the typ-
wanted it. ical English way,
2 All the Spic colonies were 8 qBy being too stupid to lose,
very Christian, 9 And also got some help from a
3 fMeaning poor as dirt, storm that forced the Spic Cap-
4 Which was a considerable im- tains to have to read their maps,
provement over their old heathen 10 Which practically decided
days, the outcome right there.
5 gWhen they had gold and pa-
gan religions of their own and CHAPTER 12
cities and armies and a distinct rAfter the loss of the Spanish
shortage of small pox and other Armada, the Spics started
European diseases. a long slow decline, eventually
6 The conversion of all these losing most of their colonies,
peoples to the Christian way was 2 Including the ones in Florida,
the accomplishment of Spic no- 'Mexico, Puerto Rico, and Cali-

59
SPICS The Spics take a lot of siestas

fornia, as well as the ones in a.4.7 6 Who was Jsort of French and
South America. b. Bks.6.17-1B had a brother named Joseph who
3 But by this time, most of the c.2.10 thought he'd like to be king of
Spic colonies had become Spics d. Car1.3.B Spain.
in their own right, e. Psom.4.l0 7 So Napoleon put Joseph on
4 BBeing Christian and Spanish- f Grk.B.32 the throne of Spain, where he
speaking and cruel and vicious g. Zig.B.10-12 stayed until Napoleon retired at
and intolerant and bloodthirsty, h. Gods.6.12 Waterloo and the rest of the na-
5 Though shorter physically. i. Ext.52.16 tions of Europe rescued the
6 In this way, over a long period j. Frog. 14. 1 Spics,
oftime, the New World acquired k. Dav.1B.5 8 Which immediately fell silent
a whole bunch of new bnations, I. Rom.2.16-17 once again, spending all their
including Mexico and Nicaragua m. Psay.5Q.75 time on siestas and keeping the
and EI Salvador and Honduras n. &1.36.14 masses dirt-poor.
and Costa Rica and Venezuela o. Ned.B.lO 9 Occasionally they resurfaced
p. Dav.29.7-B
and Colombia and Argentina and to try their hand at culture.
q. Car1.3.1-12
Bolivia and Uruguay and Para- 10 They had a painter called kEI
guayand Ecuador and Chile and Greco,
Peru. 11 Which means The Greek,
7 CBut blessed as they were with 12 And explains how he got
a Spanish cultural heritage, all away with it.
these nations also found it diffi- 13 They had a sOflgwriter, who
cult to make history in any last- wrote "Lady of Spain,"
ing way, 14 Unless somebody else did.
; 8 And so they made d estancias 15 And that was about it for
instead and took a lot of ·siestas Spic culture.
and had rgauchos and &corrida
de toros and saved the souls of CHAPTER 14
the masses by keeping them dirt-
poor.
E ventually, though, Ihistory
started to happen again in
9 hIn short, they spent a couple Spain,
of centuries waiting for the 2 In a small way,
mother country to show them 3 mWhen a fascist named
what to do next. nFranco decided to dispense with
the king and °make the trains run
CHAPTER 13 on time.
T he Spic Decline and Fall
was not nearly as funny as
4 This caused good people the
world over to discover the plight
the Roman Decline and Fall, of Spain's oppressed masses,
2 At least as far as we know, 5 And Pwrite about it in books
3 'Since not much was ever and journals and newspapers in a
written about it. lot of countries outside Spain,
4 In fact, all that we know for 6 Which is the only way that
sure is the parts of the Decline anything ever gets written about
and Fall that other nations wrote Spain.
about, 7 Naturally, when they found
5 Like the conquest of Spain by out that history was happening
Napoleon Bonaparte, in Spain, qgood people from all
60
Franco makes trains run on time SPIes

over rushed in to help save the a. Dav.9.7 pid hanimals who were over-
Spanish masses from Franco, b. Psom. 76.1-6 thrown as soon as it became
8 Which is how 8Ernest Hem- c. Yks.66.6 clear that they couldn't make the
ingway came to really put Spain d. Ed.2S.6 trains run on time.
on the map, e. Yks.30.1S 4 There were so many of these
9 What with b'For Whom the f 12.6 dictatorships that they were
Bell Tolls' and 'Death in the g. Psay.5Q.75 given a name all their own by the
Afternoon' and all, h. Dav.52.20 foreign press, which was "Ba-
10 ·Which made Spain very ro- i. lefs.7.15 nana Republics,"
mantic and intriguing, j. Grk.20.S S iMeaning "We really can't
11 And led to the discovery of a k.17.S keep track of all this by our-
second Spic painter, selves and besides who cares
12 Named dPicasso, anyway."
13 Just as Franco was taking 6 Every once in a while, the
over and stopping history again. Gringos, meaning "Dirty thiev-
ing Yankee Imperialists from
North America," would inter-
CHAPTER 15 vene in the internal politics of
~nco made the trains run on
FtIme, the Spic countries and talk about
Latin American democracy,
2 Sort of, 7 JWhich means rule by brave,
3 Which is always the outstand- violent, stupid masses,
ing accomplishment of fascist re- 8 And didn't seem to work any
gimes the world over, better than rule by brave, vio-
4 And kept Spain out of the Sec- lent, stupid military dictators,
ond World War, 9 kSpics being what they are.
S Which was probably for the
best anyway,
6 'Since the Spics had pretty CHAPTER 17
well forgotten how to fight dur-
ing the past few centuries,
A nd although it sometimes
seems that the Spics have
7 And managed to stay in power forever lost their chance to make
much longer than any other fas- history, the Spic nations of the
cist regime, world have never stopped hoping
8 Which is something, anyway. that they will be shown a way to
get back on an equal footing
with everybody else.
CHAPTER 16 2 In their dreams, this new way
F ranco's accomplishments
were not lost on the rSpics in
will flower as beautifully and
abundantly as the coca plant,
South America, who thought it 3 And will spread throughout
would be great if the trains ran the civilized world,
on time in their countries. 4 Making all of the world's in-
2 And so a bunch of Spic coun- habitants as violent and stupid as
tries tried their own hands at Spics,
being fascists, S F\1lfilling the age-old quest of
3 gSetting up military dictator- the Spics for cultural renais-
ships run by brave, violent, stu- sance,
61
FROGS Gaul divided into three parts

6 aWhich means reestablish- a. Wil.29.2-5 7 And which will be called,


ment of a Dark Age in which b. Psay.5Q. 75 8 Because Spics never learn,
nobody can read or write or 9 bEl Dorado.
think,

THE BOOK OF FROGS


OTHERWISE KNOWN AS THE BOOK OF GLORY

CHAPTER! a. Exp. 7.6-B CHAPTER 3


T here was a place called b. Swar.PS.27-
France conveniently located
c.
29
Psom.49.1-5
T he Franks had been exposed
to many of the Roman ways,
on the west coast of Europe, including gRoman engineering,
where it was surrounded on three d. Rom.12.5-7 bRoman government, 'Roman art
sides by water. e. Barb.3.1-9 and literature, JRoman history,
2 aThis explains why the French f Barb. 5. 1-2 kRoman military practices, and
g. Rom.5.2-6
are called Frogs, the 'Roman love of glory.
3 Although there are other rea- h. Rom.4.1-12 2 Demonstrating their uncanny
i. Rom.B.1-5
sons too, & 7.B-10 knack for perceiving the most
4 As we shall see. j. Rom.12.1-4 important aspects of life and cul-
5 Anyway, the Frogs tried very k. Bks.3.1-4 ture, the Franks therefore bor-
hard to make history and become l. Rom.6.3-4 rowed from Roman culture the
the Chosen Nation, m. Pau1.6.9 only part of it that made sense to
6 But eventually the other na- n. Chuk.9.7 them, namely, the love ofmglory.
tions of Europe made them stop. Psay.5A.4 3 Accordingly, the Frankish
Krt.2.11-21
7 bThis is their story. barbarians decided that they too
o. Dav. 10. 10
Ext. 52. 16 were an empire and, with typical
CHAPTER 2 p. Adam.30.1-7 Frankish flair, decided to call
"Along long time ago, the q.2.1 themselves the nHoly Roman
place that is now France Empire.
was called Gaul and was divided 4 The first ruler of the Holy
into three parts. Roman Empire was °Charle-
2 dThen Caesar took all three magne,
parts for himself and made them 5 Meaning "Charles the Great,"
part of the Roman Empire, 6 PWhich proves that even back
3 ·Until the barbarians sacked then the Frogs knew that the best
Rome and it was every barbarian way to convince the world of
for himself. your greatness is to tell the world
4 By then, there were barbarians that you are great.
called fFranks, who settled down 7 Unfortunately, Charlemagne
in what used to be Gaul and died and the Holy Roman Em-
renamed it after themselves, pire fell into qthree parts again,
5 Which is how there came to 8 Because Charlemagne's sons
be France. had to set an important precedent
62
Why the Frogs are superior FROGS

before things got too far along, a. Paul. 7.2 the Frogs needed another nation
9 aNamely, that being quarrel- h. Chr.2.1D-21 to quarrel with.
some is more important than ac- c. Grk.23.12-13 2 Spurred on by the English,
tually accomplishing anything. d. Psay.5Q.56 therefore, France rose to become
e. Swar.PS.38 a major civilized nation,
f Dav.41.23 3 Inventing a lot of important
CHAPTER 4
T hanks to Charlemagne,
though, the Frogs had dis-
g. Dav.46.19
h. Psay.5Q.62
i. 40.4
culture along the way,
4 °Including French art and ar-
chitecture,
covered that rule by the bdivine j. Dav.21.26 5 PFrench poetry and drama,
right of kings is the way to go, k. Dav.41.12 6 qFrench cuisine, including
2 Especially if you have a ten- I. Psay.5Y.8 French fries,
dency to break up into quarrel- m. Brit. 7.5 7 rFrench chivalry, including
some factions, because quarrels n. Krt.2.1-7 French kissing,
about divine right make for 0.22.1 8 sAnd even French history and
plenty of c wars, p. Krt.6. 7-8
science, which are also known
3 dWhich means lots of glory all q.24.1
as French comedy.
round, r.9.1
4 •And is why the Frogs are so s. Paul. 7.6
CHAPTER 6
superior to everyone else.
5 For a long time, the Frogs sort
of specialized in being quarrel-
t. 4.4
u. Rom.6.3-4
v. Lies.5.11
B y this time, the Frogs had
become pretty tsure of
Exp.7.6 themselves, and decided that the
some with others.
w. Mall.6.24 uworld was too small to hold
6 For example, they quarreled Frog. 28. 5 them and the English too,
with the rpope in Rome and set
up their own gpope,
x. Dav.ll.5 2 Which is why they had a Hun-
dred Years War,
7 bWhich confused everybody
3 And took a regular beating for
and therefore proved that the
decades, losing lots of battles,
Frogs were superior, since they
lots of men, and lots of face,
were Inever confused.
4 Which may help explain why
8 They also had a quarrelsome
they eventually allowed Joan of
noble called JWilliam who, hav-
Arc to have a lot of glory that
ing discovered boating for the
was normally reserved exclu-
first time in the history of the
sively for French men.
Frogs, sailed over to England,
killed kKing Harold at Hastings,
CHAPTER 7
Iconquered England,
9 And immediately ceased to be
a Frog,
J oan of v Arc was a teenage
peasant girl who couldn:t
read or write, but who had relI-
10 mSince the Frogs are not al-
gious Wvisions about saving
lowed to conquer England,
11 Ever. France from the English in bat-
tle.
2 Naturally, this made perfect
CHAPTERS sense to the Frog generals, who
T he establishment of a united
England under William was
were running out of ideas about
how to score against England,
a godsend for the Frogs because 3 And so xJoan of Arc led the
there was still no DGermany, and Frog army in several battles,
63
FROGS The Frogs invent sex

4 And actually won a few, a. Dav.32.23 them since it was the Frogs who
5 Which created problems for b. 4.10 had invented sex in the first
the BDauphin, c. Chr.6.7 place,
6 Who was the heir to the Frog d. Brit.2.1-3 10 m According to all the French
throne and not anxious to be e. Psay.5y'15 history books.
crowned, J. Gnt.I.13 11 And they also tried out the
7 Since there's almost no glory g.5.B nProtestant religion fad, having
involved in being the king of a h. Barb.4.IB some Huguenots and whatnot to
defeated nation, i. Paul.6.2 carry on with for a while,
S bWhich failed to deter Joan of j. Psom.53.1-7 12 0 Although they ultimately
Are, since she was the only per- k. Paul. 6.4-5 decided to remain a Catholic na-
son in France who didn't know I. Psay.5Q.50 tion, because no other religion
the rule about not conquering m.5.8 offers the opportunity to get as
England. n. Gnt.ll.7-1O dressed up as Frogs like to be.
9 Ultimately, this difficult situa- o. Gnt.ll.19-20
p. 7.11
tion was resolved when the En- CHAPTER 9
glish captured Joan and cburned
her at the stake for wearing
q. Swar.14.17
r. Ann.17.2D-21
s. Ann.IB.16
I n fact, the Frogs became
pretty obsessed with fashion
men's clothes, in the wake of the Renaissance,
t. Brit. 2. 7-8
10 dAnd not even English men's 2 PSince they had invented fash-
u. Chr.3.23-25
clothes at that, ion in the first place,
v. Chr.3.26
11 Which may be the single 3 qlncluding fake moles called
w. Brit.40. B
most irritating thing about the beauty spots,
x. Gnt.lD.15
Frogs the English have had to Exp.7.6 4 rMakeup for women,
endure. 5 sAnd for men,
6 'Powdered wigs and outland-
CHAPTERS ish hats,
"After losing the Hundred 7 And dressy outfits, each one
Years War, the Frogs par- of which could cost a Unoble
ticipated pretty strenuously in more than a 'peasant would earn
the rRenaissance, in a lifetime,
2 Since they had invented cul- S Not to mention parties, which
ture in the first place, went on for days and cost more
3 g According to all the French than a whole nation of peasants
history books, could earn in a lifetime,
4 And were anxious to show the 9 Which is when things started
rest of hEurope how superior to get Wsticky in France.
they were.
5 And so the Frogs tried their CHAPTER 10
hand at a lot of Renaissance
sports, F or a long time, the French
had been governing through
6 IIncluding painting naked a system based on the 'divine
ladies, right of kings,
7 j And writing poems about na- 2 Called the divine right of
ked ladies, Louis's,
S k And making sculptures of 3 Which resulted in a long
naked ladies, string of Louis's,
9 'Which all came easily to 4 One after the other, until there
64
Frog masses irritated by party tax FROGS

had been fourteen of them. a. Psong.41.1-5 tion usually wound up in the


5 sUnder the divine right of b. 9.2 Bastille or dead.
Louis's system of government, c.9.8 6 IThey noticed that whenever
Frog money was called Louis's, d. Dav.1O.1O there was some really hard work
which gave the king the idea that e. Gnt.13.5-6 to be done, like a war with the
all the money in France be- f. Car1.3.6 English or an exploring expedi-
longed to him and could be spent g. Dav.41.12 tion to the New World, it was the
as he saw fit, h. Lies.9.13 Frog masses who had to do it,
6 bSuch as on clothes, Chr.4.1-5 7 mIn cheap low-fashion
7 And powdered wigs, i. Chr.5.15 clothes, like as not.
8 And outlandish hats, j. Psong.47.4 8 And when the Englishman
9 And occasional wars, k. Zig.1O.1O named nCromwell cut off the
10 CAnd most 0 fall on partIes,
. I. Gnt.l0.14-15
Exp.7.6 king's head, they noticed that he
11 Which were so big and ex- m. 11.4 actually got away with it.
pensive that several of the n. Dav.30.40
Louis's had to assign a dcardinal o. Ed.38.4 CHAPTER 12
just to keep score on party p. Ed.38.6
games, q. Psay.5Q.23
A nd then came Louis the Six-
teenth, who looked exactly
12 Because as everyone knows, r. Psay.5Y.50 like a °frog, which was unnerv-
13 "Frogs cheat at party games. s. Grk.20.8 ing even to the Frog masses.
14 Anyway, after fourteen t. Psom.54.1-5 2 Louis also had a wife, named
Louis's had been partying for PMarie Antoinette, who in-
several hundred years, the Frog flamed the peasants by offering
fmasses started to get cross. to let them eat cake,
3 qWhich created shock waves
of disappointment when no cake
CHAPTER 11 was forthcoming.
B y an unfortunate coinci-
dence, the English be-
4 It occurred to the Frog masses
that Louis and his wife might
headed their king, 8Charles I, at look better without heads,
just about the same time that the 5 Which was absolutely correct,
Frog masses were starting to no- 6 rAnd thus inaugurated the
tice a few things about the divine French Revolution.
right of Louis's. 7 Fortunately, the French had
2 hFor example, they had no- by this time invented the concept
ticed that very few of the Frog of democracy,
masses ever got invited to 8 'Which means rule by blood-
Louis's parties. thirsty masses of Frogs,
3 They noticed that the party 9 And wasn't very hard to in-
tax, which was paid by the Frog vent, really,
masses, amounted to almost 1100 10 'Because the Americans had
percent of their income. already done some of the prelim-
4 iThey noticed that Frog high inary groundwork,
fashions were almost never worn 11 Even though they were basi-
by peasants. cally English and therefore stu-
5 kThey noticed that anyone pid and ugly and not at all well
who tried to attend one of dressed.
Louis's parties without an invita- 12 Anyway, the Frog masses,
65
FROGS Napoleon wants to be French

now calling themselves Jaco- a. 11.S France was finally ready for Na-
bins, b. 11.8 poleon Bonaparte.
13 Which means "vengeful c. Chr.1O.1
murderous power-hungry idi- d. Apes.l.2-3
ots," e. Ned,43.9 CHAPI'ER14
14 Stormed the aBastille, free-
ing all the peasants,
f. Rom. 7.20
g. Wil.12.16-24
L ike Joan of Arc, °Napoleon
was born poorer and shorter
15 b And then guillotined the h. 12.8 than is normally acceptable in
king and the queen and all the i. Grk. 20. 8 Frog military circles. He was
nobles they could get their hands j. Ned.20.20-27 also, unfortunately, not French.
on, and then, k. Grlc.16.19-20 2 PThis helps to explain why he
16 eWhen the supply of nobles I. Dav.S2,4 was such a great military success
&20.11
was getting low, m. Dav.S2,4
for so long and why he had such
17 dEach other. &20.13 a hard time understanding the
n. Wil.19.7 rule abOut not defeating the En-
o. Dav.1S.9 glish.
CHAPI'ER13 Spic.12.S 3 Anyway, Napoleon was born
T he Jacobins kept track of all
this history by knitting it all
Dav.l4.S
p.4.10-11
q. Yks. 129. 10
in Corsica and rose to become a
general, thanks to the qrelaxing
down as it rolled out of the eguil_ of social standards that occurred
r.3.8-9
lotine, during the French Revolution.
s. Psp.l.2
2 Which was a fine Frog break- 4 rHis saving grace was that he
t. Psay.SY.20
through in fashion, was extremely quarrelsome and
u. Exp.1S.10-11
3 'But wasn't doing much to v. Swar.28.3-4
actually wanted to be French,
clothe and feed the masses, w. Yks.l09.13
5 "For some reason.
4 Who had stopped slaving in x. Vin.6.3-14 6 He also wanted to rule
the fields to watch gheads being y. Psay.SQ.71 France,
cut off by the guillotine in Paris. z. Psom.1S.I-2 7 And that was just for starters.
5 This led to the temporary 8 When people began to notice
abandonment of rule by hdemoc- that rule by directorate wasn't
racy in favor of rule by director- working out, tNapoleon came
ate, back from UEgypt with an army
6 IWhich means "And you to suggest that Rule by Napoleon
thought the Jacobins were bad was much the best Vsolution.
news ... " 9 wRule by Napoleon means
7 As it turned out, rule by direc- "rule by a power-mad genius
torate didn't improve conditions willing to sacrifice every drop of
very much either, Jexcept that Frog blood on earth for a few
there were now many fewer hun- fleeting moments of glory,"
gry, naked peasants than before, 10 xWhich made perfect sense
8 And eventually there were to the Frogs,
also fewer directors, 11 YWho suddenly realized that
9 kWhat with IMarat slipping on the gnawing ache in their bellies
a knife in his bathtub, was not hunger for food, but for
10 And mRobespierre Racciden- glory.
tally falling under the guillotine, 12 Whereupon they accepted
11 And so on. "Napoleon with open arms and
12 All of which meant that made him,
66
Napoleon has his idea about Russia FROGS

13 After a few interim titles, a. Paul. 5. 2-3 himself and which included nu-
14 8Emperor of France. b. Main.22.10 merous new ideas about justice.
Vin.6.15 5 For example, under the Napo-
CHAPTER 15 c. Ann.6.1 leonic Code, people had to be
bN apoleon saved the Frog
masses from "ignominious
Dav.47.23
d. AI.2.11
Grk.9.7
given a trial before being guillo-
tined, which was so revolution-
death at the guillotine by send- e. Psay.5Q.74 ary that it made people wonder
ing them to dglorious death in J. Psom.46.1-4 why they hadn't thought of it
battle, g. Krt.4.2-3 during the French Revolution,
2 Thus introducing the most im- h. Psong.57.3 6 qUntil they remembered that
portant innovation in the history i. Krt.4.8-12 the French Revolution had been
of France, j. Spic.13.1-5 started by Frogs.
3 "Namely, the concept of mili- k. Bks.6.17-18 7 Napoleon also encouraged in-
tary victory. I. Psay.5Q.23 novations in rfashion, including
4 fFrog soldiers died gloriously m. 17.2 topless gowns for lady Frogs,
and victoriously in numerous na- n. Wit.26.21 8 ·Which made sense, since it
tions throughout Europe, 0.4.10 was the French who had in-
5 Including g Austria, p.14.9 vented 'breasts.
6 hItaly, q. Swar.14.5-8 9 At the same time, Napoleon
7 IPrussia, r.9.2 was doing quite well with the
8 JSpain, s.8.10 ladies personally,
9 k And many more besides. t. Boul.21.9 10 In spite of being so short,
10 Even the IEnglish were dis- u. Dav.21.12- 11 And had a famous affair with
15
mayed by Napoleon's un- uJosephine,
v. Psong.48.3
Froglike talent for victory, w. Dav.14.47
12 'Who turned out to be infer-
11 And had to wait for a lucky x. Psong.53.6-7 tile,
break, y. Ned.4.7 13 Which paved the way for
12 Which didn't come until Na- Wit. 45.25-26 WMarie Louise, who had a hus-
poleon decided that he should z. Rom.7.7 band,
conquer Russia, aa. Wit. 17. 1 14 But Napoleon got rid of him,
13 mAn idea that occurred to bb. Russ.l.l 15 'Which is generally what
him only after he had been living happens when an emperor cuts
in France for about ten years, in on your wife.
14 RAnd can't be explained any 16 Anyway, until he thought of
other way. . conquering Russia, Napoleon
had things pretty much his own
CHAPTER 16 way,
B efore he decided to conquer
Russia, Napoleon acquired
17 YWhich was the only way he
cared about.
an empire that included most of
western Europe, CHAPTER 17
2 °Excepting England,
3 And established PRuie by Na-
T
.
hen, of course, Napoleon
had his idea about Russia,
poleon as the most universally 2 ZWhich turned out to be a very
practiced form of government in bad idea,
the western world.
4 He even invented a new code
I 3 Because as ·someone once
said, "An army travels on its
of laws, which he named after stomach," and bbRussia is a long
67
FROGS Napoleon resigns from his job

way to go if you're traveling on a. Russ.6.4 9 And got all the way back to
your stomach. b. Forg.4.8-9 France,
4 In fact, it's hard to get there c.24.1 10 'Where the glory of it all
and back before winter arrives, d. Psay.5Q.56 convinced the army to join him
5 Which in Russia almost al- e. Yks.l0.10-12 once again,
ways involves plenty of snow f Forg.5.1-6 11 mFor another hundred days,
and ice and a lot less food for g. 14.11 12 nUntil °Waterioo,
your stomachs. h. Forg.13.10 13 PWhere the last of Napo-
6 Having forgotten this, i. Psay.5Q.7 leon's glory slipped away down
7 For some reason, j. Psp.l.7 a sunken road,
8 Napoleon succeeded in killing k. Mawr.22.22 14 qCausing him to resign from
thousands of Russians and get- I. Ned. 25. 6-10 his job a second time and move
ting all the way to Moscow be- m. Psay.5y'22 to the island of St. Helena,
fore winter arrived. n. Swar.17.1-12 15 Safely tucked away in the
9 bThen he remembered about o. Psom.12.4 Atlantic Ocean,
Ann. 2. 17
his stomach and raced home to p. Dav.21.19-
16 rMany thousands of miles
Paris for some good Frog 24 from the French coastline,
ccuisine, q. Dav.21.32- 17 "Where everyone would be
10 Leaving his army without 34 safe from him,
any dcake, r. Psay.5A.24 18 Except that the Frogs never
11 ·Or anything else, s. Psp.1.8 forgot him,
12 rExcept the transcendent t. Paul. 7.2 19 t And remembered him
glory of dying for France in the u. Ned.36.17- fondly,
21
bloody snow. 20 uFor some reason,
v. Krt.9.15
w. Dav.32.23
21 'Which suggests that Frogs
x. Dav.46.19 are every bit as dumb as they are
CHAPTER 18 silly.
E xcited by the glorious de-
mise of the Grande Armee
y. Exp.15.B
Yks.16.7-13
CHAPTER 19
in Russia, thousands of Knew
troops joined Napoleon for a se-
T here was a brilliant Frog
named WTalleyrand, who
ries of battles against every was a minister to Louis the Six-
country in Europe. teenth until they cut Louis's
2 The new Grande Armee head off,
fought in the most valiant Frog 2 And who was then a minister
tradition, to Napoleon until they exiled the
3 hWhich is to say they lost, ex-emperor to St. Helena,
causing Napoleon to iresign 3 And who went on to be a
from his job and move to the minister to XLouis the Eighteenth
island of Elba, when the divine right of Louis's
4 Safely tucked away in the was reinstated.
Mediterranean, 4 It was Talleyrand who played
5 Miles from the French coast- a big part in establishing the
line, Frog foreign policy that sold al-
6 JWhere everyone would be most a ythird of North America
safe from him, to the United States for a few
7 Except that he escaped, million dollars.
8 kSomehow, 5 This shrewd maneuver, along
68
The Frogs dig up another Napoleon FROGS

with the loss to the English of a. Brit. 23.8-9 CHAPTER 21


HFrance's Canadian colonies,
just about finished off France's
h. F&l.S.S
c. Exp.IS.ll
B ut their practically unbroken
string of humiliations in for-
last chance to be Chosen Nation. d. Dav.9.7 eign affairs did nothing to make
6 Still, faced with about a hun- e. Dav.20.46 the Frogs more humble k • After
dred years to kill before the j Psay.SQ.17 all, it was Frogs who had in-
Americans became the Chosen g.3.6 vented culture and poetry and
Nation of the western hemi- h. leIs. 7. IS music and science and sex,
sphere, bthe Frogs mounted a i. Psay.Sy'44 2 And practically everything
number of silly attempts to re- j. Vin.14.23-24 else too,
gain their lost glory. k.8.10 3 IWhich made them very proud
I. Ned.42.7 of themselves,
m.20.7 4 In fact, very very proud of
CHAPTER 20 n. Main.18.6 themselves,
F or example, they grabbed a
bunch of ·colonies in Africa
o. Buh.2.9-1O
p.29.8
q. Dav.39.36
5 mIn spite of the Franco-
Prussian thing.
that nobody else wanted, 6 nAnd if they ever had the least
r. Psong.S.3
2 As if glory could be extracted inclination to feel even the tini-
s. Rom. 6. 9-10
from worthless territory simply est bit humble, all they had to do
by inventing a romantic but to feel better was tell some for-
completely irrelevant military eigner about all of France's stu-
unit called the dFrench Foreign pendous cultural accomplish-
Legion. ments.
3 Then, after waiting out a de-
cent interval of renewed IUle by
Louis's, they dug up another CHAPTER 22
"Napoleon,
4 rWho was cleverly inserted
F or example, it was the Frogs
who had built the most beau-
into the old scheme by adding tiful city in the world,
Louis to his name, 2 Somehow,
5 g And announced to the world 3 Which was named Paris,
that they were an empire once 4 And which was so incredibly
again, beautiful that foreigners from all
6 hWhich irritated Germany no over the world came there to
end, visit,
7 iWith the result that the Ger- 5 Even though it was full of
mans attacked France and re- Frogs.
minded the Frogs that without a 6 It was also Frogs who had
Corsican general, they were the built many of the most beautiful
same silly, vainglorious losers °cathedrals in Europe,
they had always been. 7 Including Chartres, and PNo-
8 The French stewed about this tre Dame, and Amiens, and
for more than forty years, some other ones too,
9 jWaiting for one more chance, 8 As well as many beautiful
10 Somehow unable to remem- chateaus,
ber that Napoleon Bonaparte 9 And the qFrench Riviera,
was stone-cold dead, 10 And the rLoire River Valley,
11 Just like the glory of France. 11 And the •Alps,
69
FROGS Pasteur invents microorganisms

12 And everything else in a. Mawr.15.22 10 lAnd then cursing the mea-


France. b. Psong.42.1-3 gerness of the tip.
13 Nor were these the only great c. Psong.50.6-8
accomplishments of the Frogs. d. Psay.5G.2-4 CHAPTER 25

CHAPTER 23
e. Psp.2.JO
f Vin.65.11-13 A nd speaking of food, there
were also some Frog scien-
F or example, there was wine,
8 which the Frogs invented,
g. Ed. 77.9-11
h. Brit.28.19-22
tists who loved Frog food so
much they thought it was a
2 bAnd drank continuously, i. Psong.59.3 shame that so many people died
3 CMorning, noon, and night, j. Jejs. 7.5-6 from eating such high cuisine,
4 Out of bottles with beautiful k. Jejs.7.15-18 2 JWhich is why another great
dlabels, I. Dav.32.23 Louis decided to discover that
5 "That had been stored in cel- m. Zig. 7.5 the real problem was not with
lars for generations, n. Rom.10.4 Frog cuisine at all,
6 Just waiting for the one per- 0.5.8 3 But with tiny little animals
p. Ed.60.17 called kmicroorganisms,
fect occasion,
7 rWhen the precisely perfect q.20.11 4 Which nobody could see,
vintage could be used to start r.5.5 5 Except ILouis Pasteur,
another precisely perfect gquar- s.8.10 6 Who figured out how to kill
t. Psom.30.1
reI about absolutely nothing. Mawr. 13. 15 them with something called
8 And wine was only one of mPasteurization,
many such gifts the Frogs had 7 Which worked just great,
given the world. 8 Because after he used it,
9 nNobody could see any micro-
CHAPTER 24 organisms anymore.
A fter all, where would the
world be if the hFrogs had
10 This brilliant achievement
paved the way for lots more Frog
not invented food, °science over the years,
2 Which consisted of beautiful, 11 Including all kinds of Pmirac-
perfectly prepared combinations ulous breakthroughs that would
of rotten meat and rotten poultry, just take your breath away,
3 And rotten vegetables, 12 qlf anybody but a Frog could
4 And rotten fruit, see them.
5 And rotten dairy products,
6 Topped off by marvelous little CHAPTER 26
sauces that disguised the taste so
well you'd hardly know you
A nother great Frog gift to the
world,
were eating something even pigs 2 Though not as great as food
would have the good sense to and wine and microorganisms,
avoid. of course,
7 This food, which the Frogs 3 Was rFrench literature,
called high cuisine, was always 4 ·Which was great because it
served in beautiful restaurants, was the Frogs who had invented
8 Where the waiters made every philosophy and poetry and trag-
meal a delight, edy and comedy.
9 By sneering and raising their 5 There was a Frog philosopher
eyebrows and disappearing for named 'La Rochefoucauld, who
hours at a time, knew so much about life that he
70
Not all Frog literature is funny FROGS

wrote it all down in a little book, a. Psay.5Q.14 CHAPTER 28


6 In the fonn ofBsayings,
7 Which said it all so well that
b. Psom.65.1
Dav.15.39-
40
F or example, there was also
(Moliere, who made the
there's no point in discussing it c. Psom.27.1
great discovery that there are a
further. d. Yks.44.22
lot of stupid, silly, spiteful,
8 There was another Frog phi- e. Psay.5S.27 worthless rich people in the
losopher named bpascal who f. F&J.2.12-14 world,
knew almost as much about life g. Ed.46.10 2 Having thought along much
as La Rochefoucauld, h. Pnot.34.1-5 the same lines as JVoltaire,
9 And so he also wrote it all i. Ed.12.20-21 3 Except that he put all his great
down in a little book, Dav.30.9 wisdom into kplays,
10 Including the one about man j.27.1 4 (Which were terribly terribly
being only a creed, k. Gnt.15.5-9 amusing,
11 The weakest in all nature, I. Grk.17.35 5 If you happened to be a Frog,
12 But, according to Pascal, m. Swar.1.1 6 Or a mpseudo-intellectual
that's really okay, n. Dav.3.1-5 from some other country,
13 Because man is a dthinking o. Dav.7.5 7 nAnd thus paved the way for
reed, p. Krt.6. 7-8 the much later Frog invention
14 Which Pascal knew because q. Dav.7.2 known as film.
it was the Frogs who had in- r. Dav.22.6
vented reason and logic, s. Pnot.49.1-5 CHAPTER 29
15 When "Descartes said, "Co-
gito ergo sum, "
t. Dav.21.29
u. Bks.6.17-18 B ut no one should get the idea
that all French literature was
16 fWhich means something or simply funny.
other in Latin, 2 There were also a lot of Frog
15 Something that must explain writers who wrote stories that
why the Frogs have never felt were very very sad,
any obligation to practice these 3 And funny only by accident,
interesting mental pursuits. 4 Such as °Victor Hugo, who
16 Nor were these the only mi- wrote incredibly long books
raculous accomplishments of made up of incredibly long sen-
French literature. tences,
5 Completely in PFrench,
CHAPTER 27 6 About sad, unfortunate people,
F or example, there was gVol-
taire, who made the great
7 Called 'Les Miserables,'
8 q'Le Hunchback of Notre
Frog discovery that there are a Dame,'
lot of stupid, silly, spiteful, 9 And other things.
worthless people in the world, 10 And there was 'Gustave
2 Which he knew because, Flaubert, who wrote about "Ma-
3 Well, dame Bovary,
4 You know. 11 tWho was not nice,
5 hAnd so Voltaire figured out 12 For many many pages.
that the thing to do is to keep 13 And there was also uBalzac,
cultivating your garden, who wrote about Frog characters
6 For some reason. who had so little happen to them
7 Nor was Voltaire the only that their stories went on for vol-
great French comedian. umes.
71
FROGS The Frogs get another shot at glory

14 Not to mention REmile Zola. a. Swar.30.1-2 who painted fuzzy ballerinas,


b. Russ. 20. 26 7 And °Seurat, who painted
CHAPTER 30 c. Psay.5AAO fuzzy dots,

F rog poetry was great too.


2 Frogs like bRacine and eCor-
d. Gnt.15.19-21 8 And PToulouse-Lautrec, who
e. Psom.37.1-6 was even shorter than Napoleon,
f. Yks. 70.3-5 9 And painted the Paris slums
neille wrote dtmgedies in verse, g.20.7 the way they would look if you
3 Completely in French, h. DavAB.7 dmnk qwormwood twenty-four
4 Until they died. i. Dav.5.7 hours a day for years,
5 This brilliant accomplishment j. Ann. 19. 13 10 Until he died.
Psp.l.9
paved the way for the French
k. Dav.32.23
invention of·symbolist poetry, CHAPTER 32
6 Which was a spectacular
achievement,
I. Psong.20.1-B
m. Dav.20A6
n. Psong.51.1
T here was another impres-
sionist named rClaude De-
7 Borrowed only partially from o. Ann. 10. 1
bussy, who thought that music
'Edgar Allan Poe, p. Dav.14.11
might sound better if it didn't
8 And represented a new Frog q. Psay.5Q.77 have any melody,
view of the world in the wake of r. Dav.32.23 2 So he wrote ·'La Mer,'
the IIFmnco-Prussian thing. s. Psom. lOA 3 IWhich is about the way the
9 Great Frog poets like hBaude- t. Ed.7B.ll sea sounds if you're a Frog,
laire and IVerlaine and jRimbaud u. Jets. 7.22 4 Or something,
saw that when you looked be- v. 26.15 5 And 'Clair de Lune,'
neath the surface of things, w. Dav.34.17 6 uWhich did for moonlight
10 Things looked different. x. Gnt.13.4-6 what 'La Mer' did for the sea,
11 This great artistic discovery Kens. 16.2-10 7 And so forth,
helped start the great Frog im- y.20.7 8 Which is pretty much how
pressionist movement in art and things were going when sud-
music, denly the Frogs noticed that if
12 Because the Frogs were they played their Y cards right,
every bit as great at art and mu- they could have still another shot
sic as they were at litemture. at glory,
9 And that changed everything.
CHAPTER 31
C oming along in the wake of
the Fmnco-Prussian thing,
W
CHAPTER 33
hen the archduke wFer-
the Frog impressionist artists dinand of Austria was as-
thought the world might look sassinated by a Serbo-Croatian
better if it were out of focus, nationalist, xFrance cleverly
2 Which convinced kClaude seized the opportunity to attack
Monet to do two dozen million Germany, in retaliation for the
·signed paintings of water lilies, beating they had taken in the
3 All out of focus, YFranco-Prussian War forty
4 While mRenoir painted thou- years before.
sands of women who were prob- 2 Knowing the Frogs pretty well
ably very beautiful, by this time, the Germans had
5 If you could see what they already decided to outfox them
looked like. by launching an attack of their
6 And there was also nDegas, own,
72
Frog intellectuals invent despair FROGS

3 ·Which turned out to be pretty a. Gnt.16.11-12 9 °Designed, built, and manned


embarrassing for everybody, b. Psay.5Q.74 by Frogs,
4 bSince the Frogs were halfway c. Krt.39.14 10 That would make it impos-
into Germany before they real- d. Exp.l.l7 sible for Germany to invade
ized Germany was invading e. Krt.24.2-3 France like they had in the
France, f Pnot.55.1-5 PFranco-Prussian War,
5 CAnd the Germans were half- g.20.7 11 That is, in qWorld War I.
way into France before they real- h. Wil.l.I-2 12 This wonderful new impreg-
ized France was invading Ger- i. 8.10 nable Frog military fortification
many, j. Krt.24.2-3 was called the rMaginot Line.
6 dSO they all raced back to a k. Boul.26.11
field in the middle of France, l. Mall.6.24 CHAPTER 35
7 Dug a big trench,
8 And didn't budge another foot
m.1O.5
n.14.9
o. Ext.48.19
M eanwhile, a new genera-
tion of Frog Sintellectuals
for four years. was making profound discov-
p.20.7 eries based on the perverse hy-
CHAPTER 34 q. Krt.24.2-3 pothesis that maybe 'life wasn't
M illions of Frogs died glori- r. Ed.60.l7
ously in the trenches of s. Dav.29.6
t. Psay.5Q.74
about glory at all,
2 But something else instead,
·World War I, machine-gunned 3 UNamely despair,
u. Psay.5Q.32
and gassed and bombed and in- 4 Which is the feeling you get
v. F&J.2.12-16
fested with disgusting diseases, waiting for the end of the world
w. Psp.2.5
2 rUntil the last soldier reached when you know that it's all just a
x. Brd.9.6
for a butterfly on the end of a 'bad dream anyway.
y. lra.33.1-3
cannon and got shot, 5 WUsingthis new xlogic, Frog
z. 14.10
3 Thus ending the war to end all aa. Chuk.6.1-3 thinkers like YSartre and Camus
wars. bb. Yks.91.1-7
invented existentialism,
4 The Frogs were still mad at CC. Kn.24.2-3 6 'Which is a philosophy based
the Germans about the gFranco- dd. F&J.7.1-12 on the idea that if France can't
Prussian War, however, and in- ee. Paul.3.1-10 have a glorious existence, then
sisted on a peace treaty that If. Russ.16.1-7 existence itself must be a mean-
would keep Germany poor, and ingless random accident.
mad as hell, for a hgeneration, 7 88This philosophy was terribly
5 'Which the Germans deserved inspiring to a lot of bbforeigners
because they had started jWorld as. well, who were hanging
War I, around in France waiting for the
6 k As the Frogs kept reminding end of the world, after "World
everybody. War I,
7 This treaty was signed at the 8 dd And writing a bunch of
palace of Versailles, where the books about it,
Imemory ofmrule by Louis's and 9 "And painting a lot of pictures
nrule by Napoleons caused the of it,
French to start planning immedi- 10 And developing a lot of po-
ately for the next glorious war to litical theories about it,
end all wars. 11 "Including a theory that the
8 For this reason, they built an Russians must be right about
impregnable military fortifica- communism being the way to
tion, go,
73
FROGS The Maginot Line disappears

12 aSince if everything's mean- a. Carl.9.1-JO 8 As soon as Germany mounted


ingless anyway, you might as b. Krt.24.2-3 its IBlitzkrieg attack on France.
well have a roof over your head c. Brit. 50. 1
and someone else to do the Yks.95.1-7 CHAPTER 38
thinking for you. d.35.4
e.34.7
f Grk.20.8
T o the eternal glory of
France, the Frogs surren-
CHAPTER 36 dered to Germany within six
F ortunately for the Frog intel-
lectuals, bWorld War I was
g.23.3
h.31.3
i. Yks.82.7
weeks of the Blitzkrieg and al-
lowed a puppet government to be
succeeded almost immediately by installed,
j. 34.8-12
a terrible cworldwide ddepression, 2 Which they named, not after
k. Dav.32.23
2 Which made the Germans themselves, but after a bottle of
l. Lies. 6. 11
even madder about the "Treaty of mseltzer water.
m. Ann.6.1
Versailles, n.35.6
3 For the rest of the war, the
3 And didn't help the govern- o. Dav.34.12
Frogs diverted themselves as
ment of France much either, p.lefs.7.15-17 best they could.
4 Since, being out of both q.3.6 4 Some of them collaborated
Louis's and Napoleons, they had r. Psom.49.1-3 with the Germans,
been compelled to try democ- Frog.3.4 5 In fact, a lot of them collabo-
racy again, & 12.1 rated with the Germans,
& 14.1
5 fMeaning "rule by enervated 6 nWhich wasn't really so ev~l
s.3.5
fools," when you consider that existence
6 BWith the result that they is all just a meaningless accident
drank a great deal more wine anyway,
than they should have, 7 0 And some mounted an effort
7 hAnd read far too many books called Pthe Resistance,
written by Frog intellectuals, S qWhich was brave and glori-
8 And got into so many quarrels ous and got tons of publicity in
with each other that they almost the allied nations,
didn't notice when Germany 9 And some went to Africa to
started grabbing countries in fight with rCharles de Gaulle,
eastern Europe. 10 Who looked exactly like a
giant frog with an oversized
CHAPTER 37 nose,
I n fact, England was the first
nation to notice that Germany
11 And therefore became the
living symbol of the eternal
was acting up again, glory of France,
2 lAnd politely asked them to 12 For yet another generation of
stop, Frogs.
3 Which the Germans agreed
to do, CHAPTER 39
4 Then didn't,
5 Which raised a faint ghostly
I n fact, after the war, 'Charles
de Gaulle became the new
image of glory along the JMa- emperor of France,
ginot Line, 2 Although his official title was
6 Which disappeared, President of the Third or Fourth
7 Along with the whole kMa- French Republic,
ginot Line, 3 And fought hard to retain the
74
The abiding glory of the Frogs BRITS

last pitiful remnants of the Frog a. Exp.15.1D-ll 13 dThe Frogs still know that
colonial empire, h. Bks.6.24 they are superior to everyone
4 ·Such as risking assassination c.3.6 else,
to prevent the Algerians from d.4.7 14 Which is their abiding glory
becoming independent, e. Kens.6.6 as a people,
5 bAnd waging a silly war in j 35.6 15 e And the reason why every-
Indochina to keep the commu- g.35.4 one else is sick to death of them.
nists from taking Vietnam away
from the Frogs, CHAPTER 40
6 CAnd telling the rest of the
world how great France was at
A nd when the end of the
world comes at last,
every opportunity, 2 It's a pretty safe bet that the
7 And how they didn't need Frogs won't be anywhere near
help from America or anyone the fuse,
else, 3 Although it's also a safe bet
8 Except for the tourist trade, of that if there's enough time, some
course, Frog will remind the world that
9 Which it was the duty of every the genius of France has just
Frog citizen to support by being been proven beyond doubt,
as French as possible at all 4 'Because the Frogs have been
times, onto the nature of existence far
10 Which is to say as rude as longer than anybody else,
possible at all times, 5 Which is why they are so very
11 Because in spite of every- very proud of the greatest Frog
thing, achievement of all,
12 Including all their lost 6 gBecause where would every-
chances to be the Chosen Nation body be if the Frogs had not
of Europe, invented despair?

THE BOOK OF BLOODY


BRITS
OTHERWISE KNOWN AS THE BOOK OF THE WHITE MAN'S BURDEN

CHAPTER! a. Vin.73.12 makes clothes very important,


T here was an island called h. Psom.lB. B
Britain located off the north-
3 And explains why the people
who lived there became ob-
west coast of Europe, ·where it sessed about being properly
was in an ideal position to cause dressed for every occasion,
lots of trouble for everyone else. 4 Although there is much about
2 bThe weather is very bad in these people that cannot be ex-
Britain all the time, which plained'
75
BRITS Caesar makes a mistake

5 a As we shall see. a. Adam. 6. 7 CHAPTER 3


6 Anyway, the Brits worked
hard to become the Chosen Na-
b. Swar.27.1-5
c. 1.2-3
S ubsequent Romans began to
suspect that there was some-
tion of Europe and the World, d. Rom.12.5-9 thing wrong with the inhabitants
7 And actually succeeded for e. Rom.2.1 of Great Britain,
quite a while, f Rom. 13. 1-7 2 Who kept rebelling,
S Against all odds, g. Rom.5.13-14 3 Because it would have been
9 Which was their favorite way, h. Rom. 5. 7-8 too easy to just let the Romans
10 And the reason why they are i. Psong.8.5 build their roads and aqueducts
so heartily detested by almost j. leff.19. 7-8 and other 8engineering projects
everyone. k. Dav.47.25 in peace,
11 This is their b story. I. Barb.1.8 4 And so every few years, a
m. Psay.5Y.14 h Roman legion or two would
CHAPTER 2 n. Barb.4.18 have to sail up to Britain and kill
F rom the very beginning, the
Brit culture was shaped by
a bunch of Brits.
5 On some of these expeditions,
two peculiar preoccupations, the Romans discovered that the
these being, Brits had some even more un-
2 CThe overriding importance of pleasant neighbors, called the
personal grooming, Scots, who wore skirts,
3 And the absolute necessity of 6 And made their whole culture
doing everything the hard way. out of sheep intestines,
4 dEven when first discovered 7 IWhich they used as food,
by Caesar, S j And musical instruments,
5 Who looked under a lot of 9 And other things too.
rocks he should have left alone, 10 Obviously, any people this
6 The original Britons, as they stupid found it hard to under-
called themselves then, were stand that a handful of barbarian
covered from head to toe in blue tribesmen shouldn't mess with a
paint, Roman legion.
7 Which they thought natty, 11 Accordingly, a Roman gen-
S And wasn't the last time they eral named Hadrian built a wall
were dead wrong about some- to keep the ksmell of sheep intes-
thing. tines out of Britain,
9 Caesar should have known 12 Not to mention the Scots
better than to conquer the Brit- themselves.
ons, 13 'Unfortunately, it never oc-
10 ·Who lived contrary to Ro- curred to the Romans that it
man philosophy, which holds might be an even better idea to
that if a thing isn't easy, it isn't build a wall around all of Great
worth doing. Britain to keep the Brits out of
11 But Caesar didn't always fol- the rest of the world.
low the rules,
12 As we have seen, CHAPTER 4
13 rAnd conveniently died be- mAfter the fall of Rome, nu-
fore the rest of the world discov- merous barbarian tribes
ered his mistake. from the continent of ftEurope

76
Why "bloody" is a dirty word BRITS

decided that it was time to do a. Barb.2.8-11 with each other than with the
something about the Britons. b. Exp.3.3-8 folks who jsuggested they leave
2 For this reason, the island of c.4.2 home in the first place.
Britain was invaded by hordes of d.2.6 4 Anyway, the Normans finally
a Angles and Saxons, e. Barb.5.1-2 became assimilated Brits them-
3 Then hordes of bDanes, f Frog. 12. 13 selves,
4 Then more hordes of Angles
C g. Rom.IO.4 5 Given to wearing fancy uni-
and Saxons, h. Frog.4.8 forms made of kchain mail,
5 All of which killed as many of i. Dav.19.3-20 6 And covered with outlandish
the dnatives as they could, j. Psay.5Q.30 designs known as 'Heraldry,
6 Which was a lot, k. Swar.36.3 7 Which are a peculiar system
7 And set about becoming Brits I. Swar.3.1 invented by the Brits for the pur-
Bks.3.14
themselves, pose of telling lies about their
m.4.12
8 Which was eventually noticed mmongrel family ntrees on arti-
n. Wil.12.4-6
by some of the "Franks, o. Grk.23.12-13
cles of personal apparel.
9 Who had taken to calling p. Dav.4I.23
8 When their uniforms had got-
themselves fNormans, q. Bks.1.2-7 ten so fancy that the Brits
10 g And who thought that even r. Chr.8.16-18 couldn't stand another day with-
living in Britain would be better s. Chr.S.21-22 out showing them off to perfect
than spending one more day with t. 1.3 strangers, °they began starting
the Frogs. wars with other nations.
11 They were right, but just 9 For example, they got the idea
barely, that the PSaracens would be im-
12 Because the Anglo-Saxons, pressed by a grand British en-
as the thoroughly mongrelized trance into the qHoly Land,
Brits were now calling them- 10 rWhich they were,
selves, refused to accept their 11 Until the uniforms got cov-
hdecisive defeat in the Battle of ered with blood and dirt in all the
Hastings, desert fighting,
l3 Which would have been the 12 'Whereupon the Saracens
easy thing to do, stopped being impressed by the
14 i And instead made life as Brits and sent them back home,
miserable as possible for the l3 Which convinced the Brits
Normans, that winning wars depended on
15 Which, in view of the fact having clean uniforms,
that misery was invented by the 14 And that "bloody" was a
Anglo-Saxons, was pretty dirty word,
damned miserable. 15 Which proved to be a turning
point in Brit history,
CHAPfER5 16 tBecause it was just about the
G radually, the Normans got
used to misery,
last time they ever lost a war.

2 Due to a recurring Brit phe- CHAPfER6


nomenon called "assimilation,"
3 Which has to do with the fact
O ne reason the Brits were so
good at winning wars was
that gangs of marauding killers that they kept fighting them vir-
usually have more in common tually nonstop,

77
BRITS The Brits get confused about divinity

2 For centuries, a. Chr.2.10-21 22 And Yorks',


3 And when they couldn't have b. Ext.48.19 23 BAnd so on.
a war with another nation, they c. Chr.3.23-25 24 The Brits' somewhat free-
fought wars with each other, d.19.6 form interpretation of divine
4 Usually about who would be e. 6.13 right also led to the first English
the next king, f Psay.5Q.78 b sport ,

5 Because the Brits believed g. Bks.6.17-18 25 Which was called King-


pretty strongly in the "divine h.47.1 Baiting,
right of kings, i. 4.15 26 I And consisted of finding
6 Except that they never quite j. Dav.40.9 ways to make life as miserable
understood the definition of the k. Yks.109.13 as possible for whoever was sit-
word "divine," I. 4.15 ting on the throne at the time.
7 bBeing under the impression m. Frog.4.10- 27 The first king to be so baited
11
that it was a synonym for "well was JKing John,
bred," 28 Who had to sign the Magna
8 Which is to say that practi- Charta,
cally any Brit enoble with a con- 29 Which is Latin for Great
fusing enough family tree could Fun,
claim the throne whenever he 30 k And consisted of a signed
wanted to. statement by the king that he was
9 This resulted in a very compli- an idiot who couldn't be trusted.
cated line of succession that
can't be remembered, CHAPTER 7
10 Let alone understood,
11 By anyone but Brits,
K ing-Baiting led to the in-
vention of a peculiar Brit
12 For whom it was an impor- institution called Parliament,
tant part of what they called a 2 Which means "talking at in-
gentleman's education, credible length about how to
13 dWhich will be discussed make life miserable for the
later on. king,"
14 Anyway, 3 And was used principally to
15 The Brit line of succession bore kings to death.
changed hands many times dur- 4 The primary defense the king
ing the Middle Ages, had against Parliament was the
16 Usually through treachery power to dissolve it whenever he
and murder, got sufficiently bored,
17 ·Which are also an important 5 Which is why the Brits take
part of a gentleman's education, credit for inventing the concept
18 And perfectly okay, accord- called "Balance of Power,"
ing to Brit custom, 6 Which had two meanings.
19 As long as everyone in- 7 'Inside Great Britain, Balance
volved is polite and grammatical of Power meant that the king and
about it, Parliament had approximately
20 Which is why there were equal power to make each other
quite a few royal families in me- miserable.
dieval Britain, including Plan- 8 mOutside Great Britain, Bal-
tagenets, ance of Power meant that the
21 And Lancasters, Brits would always let the oppo-
78
The Brits invent fairness BRITS

sition have superior numbers, as a. 4.9 body else had a nicer climate to
long as the Brits could always b. 4.2 live in,
win the wars. c. 2.6 4 Which wasn't fair,
d.31.9 5 And nobody has ever cared
CHAPTERS e. 31.13 more about fairness than the
M eanwhile, the Brits were f. 31.22
also very busy inventing g.33.1
Brits,
6 Although they have a slightly
the English language, which h. Krt.6. 7-11 different definition of fairness
wasn't easy to do, i. Exp.1.4-6 than anybody else does,
2 Because the Brit race had be- j. Exp.1.7-16 7 Namely, that fairness consists
come such a stew of various k.1.2 of recognizing that Brits have
peoples, including BFrench- l. Psom.17.6-14 good and sufficient reasons for
speaking peoples, b Anglo- m.9.1 doing what they do,
Saxon-speaking peoples, and n. Gnt.3.1 8 (Although it's never fair to ask
various cCeltic peoples who o. 1.2 what they are.
spoke in languages nobody has p. Psay.5Q.34
ever understood. q. 22.12
3 The extreme difficulty of r. Dav.20.30 CHAPTER 10
making one language out of all s. Chuk.1O.3
this made it an obviously worth- t. Yks.116.16
A nd thus, when the mRenais-
sance arrived, the Brits
while pursuit, were ready.
4 Which is why the Brits had 2 With typical British indepen-
dChaucer, dence, they participated in only
5 And then ·Spenser, those Renaissance sports that ap-
6 And then 'Shakespeare, pealed to them.
7 And then gMilton, 3 For example, they did not take
8 Who sorted it all out for them an active part in the npainting of
over a period of a few centuries. naked ladies,
9 As soon as the Brits had their 4 °Because it's always too Pcoid
own language, they immediately in Britain for ladies to take their
forgot how to speak, or even clothes off,
pronounce, anybody heIse's, 5 And even if they do, it's too
10 Which is terribly important dark to see them because it's
if you want to be the ·Chosen usually raining.
Nation and rule the world, 6 Besides, looking at naked
11 Apparently, ladies is far too straightforward
12 Which they most definitely an approach to sex to be of inter-
did. est to Brits, qwho prefer to do
absolutely everything with their
CHAPTER 9 clothes on.
I n fact, the Brits had pretty
well decided that they should
7 On the other hand, the Brits
did take an interest in helping to
rule the world even before the invent science,
Renaissance, 8 Because science is hard and
2 JWhich is when everybody confusing,
else got the idea, 9 Which is why rFrancis Bacon
3 kBecause they had already fig- invented the ·scientific method,
ured out that practically every- 10 tIn a few spare moments
79
BRITS The divinity problem is solved

when he wasn't writing Shake- a. Gnr.11.2-11 nonsense about divinity and the-
speare's plays. b. Chr.6.11 ology.
11 The Brits also played the c.8.12
Protestant 8Reformation game d. Dav.42.15 CHAPTER 12
better than anyone else,
12 Having recognized well
& 20.11-19
e. 10.13
f 6.7
O f course, the utter propriety
of the Church of England
ahead of time that a bpowerful, did nothing to prevent a lot of
g. Psay.5Q.62
unified church represented a se- Ibloody religious conflicts,
h. Dav.15.26
rious inconvenience to any na- 2 mSince the Brits still believed
i. Psom.15.1-13
tion that intended to rule the in the divine right of kings,
j. Mawr.6.7
world·, 3 Which meant that religious
k.22.12
13 Which helps explain why differences represented a great
I. Hall.4.3
dKing Henry the Eighth decided new excuse for claiming the
m.6.5
to become head of the Church of throne,
n. 47.1
England, presumably so that he o. Gnr.11.19
4 And started a whole new En-
could grant himself a divorce, p. Dav.14.14
glish "sport,
when it would have been much q. Dav.20.3-4 S Called the °Catholic Pre-
simpler to have had his wife be- r. 19.25-26 tenders Game,
headed, s. Dav.21.26 6 Which was extremely popular
14 The way he usually did. t. Spic.1J. 6 for quite a while after Henry the
Eighth died.
CHAPTER 11 7 In fact, it was PElizabeth I's
T he Church of England was a
great success,
skill at this sport that finally en-
abled her to assume the throne of
2 And very popular with the England and start the Brit quest
overwhelming majority of for world dominion in earnest.
"Henry's subjects,
3 Because it eliminated some CHAPTER 13
problems the Brits had always
had with the concept offdivinity,
E lizabeth turned out to be one
of the greatest Brit mon-
4 Since they'd always had the archs in history.
suspicion that Jesus Christ prob- 2 qHer attire was always impec-
ably wasn't very well bred, cable, consisting of thick layers
S gOr why would he have of makeup, ridiculous ruffled
dressed like that, collars, vast dresses, and giant
6 Although they had enormous wigs,
respect for the fact that he hadn't 3 Which made it quite clear to
picked the easy way, everyone that she was suffi-
7 bWhich would have been to ciently ·well bred to be obeyed.
work a miracle on the cross and 4 She also understood the im-
not die at all. portance of doing things the Brit
g The Church of England neatly way,
resolved this dilemma by en- S Which is to say, the hard way.
abling the Brits to deal with God 6 For example, when she de-
on a iman-tojman basis, cided that Spain needed to be
9 In enormous cathedrals, taught a lesson, she sent sSir
10 kWhile properly attired, Francis Drake against the 'Span-
11 Without a lot of stuff and ish Armada with a smaller num-
80
King Charles makes a mistake BRITS

ber of smaller ships equipped a. Dav.20.5-6 was a kind of °vanity,


with fewer guns than the Spanish b. Psom.IO.4 10 And was therefore not per-
had. c.I.8 missible behavior for good
7 This strategy was brilliantly d. Psay.5Q.78 Christians,
·successful, e. Dav.20.7-/2 11 Which threatened the whole
8 And convinced the Brits that f. Dav.14.32 Brit culture,
all they needed to rule the world g.3.5-9 12 Because if no one was well
was a good b navy, good Cluck, h.6.8 dressed, how could you tell who
and, i. Dav.20.34 was well bred?
9 Of course, j. Dav.20.38 13 PAnd if you couldn't tell who
10 dGood breeding. k.12.5 was well bred, how could you
1.9.5 figure out who had the divine
CHAPTER 14 m.15.3 right to be king?
E lizabethe capped her trium-
phant reign by beheading
n. Bub.6.4
o. Psay.5Q.19
Chr.6.LO
14 When the Brit nobles made
this clever argument to qOliver
her principal challenger for the p.6.5-7
Cromwell,
throne, q. Ed.28.6 15 Who was the leader of the
2 rMary Queen of gScots, the r. Psay.5Q.62 Puritans,
current Catholic Pretender, s. Ned.6.24 16 rAnd therefore not very well
3 Then dying without having a t. Grk.23.12-13 bred,
son, which led to the preferred u. Grk.8.32 17 He agreed,
Brit political situation, v. Zig.6.4 18 Much to the surprise of the
4 bWhich is a mad scramble for nobles,
the throne. 19 And came up with a totally
5 This led to IKing James, unexpected solution,
6 And then JKing Charles I, 20 "Which was to have no king
7 Who made a mistake. at all.
21 This thoroughly un-British
CHAPTER 15 viewpoint led to a Iwar,
I t turned out that King Charles
was so busyk looking for
22 Naturally,
23 Between the very well-
Catholic Pretenders that he for- dressed Brit nobles,
got to look for Protestant Revo- 24 Called Cavaliers,
lutionaries, 25 uBecause they looked so
2 Who therefore sneaked up on dashing on horseback,
him from behind, 26 And the very poorly dressed
3 IWhich wasn't fair, of course, Puritans,
4 But worked pretty well. 27 Called Roundheads,
5 The Protestant Revolution- 28 vBecause they had such bad
aries called themselves Puritans, haircuts.
6 And had a lot of peculiar 29 The disgraceful appearance
ideas, of the Puritan troops was so dis-
7 mWhich they got from reading tracting to the Cavaliers that they
the Bible, lost the war,
8 nSomewhat too literally, the 30 Which doesn't really count,
way the Brit nobles looked at it. of course,
9 For example, the Puritans be- 31 Owing to the peculiar Brit
lieved that being well dressed method of counting,
81
BRITS Cromwell proves embarrassing

32 Which involves inches, a. Ed.77.1 he had been hiding in,


pounds, rods, acres, leagues, Boul. 7.19 12 For twenty years or so,
fortnights, and shillings, b. Jeft. 7. IS 13 n Apologizing to him for all
c. Rom. 13. 11 the unpleasantness,
33 But never revolutions.
d. Yks.3.11-1S
34 Anyway, 14 And putting him back on the
35 Cromwell immediately be- e. 13.9 throne,
headed the aking, f &t.S2.16 15 °With nice new clothes,
g.8.2
36 And then replaced the divine 16 PAnd a nice new crown,
h.8.1
right of kings system of govern- 17 Which fixed everything,
i. 1.2
ment with a new system called 18 Except that it didn't.
j.2.1-3
the divine right of Cromwell,
k. Psay.SY.S1
37 Which was completely dif- CHAPTER 17
ferent, of course,
38 Since under the divine right
I. Psong.32.1-S
m. Psay.SO.6
n. 6.1S-19
T he tree Charles had been
hiding in was in qFrance,
of Cromwell, there is no king o. Psong.38.1
2 Which exposed him to the
with the power of life and death p. 8oul.21.9
rFrench system of government,
over his subjects, q. Frog.2.1-S 3 ·Called the divine right of
39 But a bProtector instead, r. Frog.LO.1 Louis's,
40 Who has the power of life s. Frog.LO.S 4 And involved lots of very ex-
and death over his subjects, t. Frog.LO.11 pensive 'parties.
41 CBut wears no crown. u. Dav.46.19 5 After the Restoration,
v: Psong.46.1-8 uCharles introduced the concept
w. Psong.29.1- of parties to the Brit nobles,
CllAPTER16 3 6 vWho were willing to try any-
A fter a while,the Brits got x. lS.30-33
together and decided that y. Psay.SY.11
thing once,
7 Provided that they could wear
the divine right of Cromwell z. Dav.20.34 nice clothes while doing so,
wasn't working out, aa. Rom.10.4 8 W And emptied the Brit trea-
2 dBeing no fun at all, sury in no time flat,
3 And somewhat embarrassing 9 Which wasn't discovered till
to boot, Charles's son went out shopping
4 ·Since all the other nations of for something nice to wear at his
Europe had kings, coronation party,
5 'Who were very well dressed, 10 And ran into a Xrevolution
6 And had started looking down instead.
on the Brits, 11 Fortunately for the Brits,
7 And hinting around that the 12 No one suggested anything
Brits weren't very well bred, as radical as a return to the di-
8 Which is a sore subject, vine right of Cromwell,
9 If you happen to be a Bmon- 13 Who was dead anyway,
grel race with a hterrible climate, 14 But Parliament set a bunch of
a Imade-up language, and Ja neu- new world records in the King-
rotic obsession with clothing. Baiting game,
10 Which is why the Brits 15 YWhich convinced ZKing
pulled off the kRestoration, James to quit being king,
11 Which consisted of getting 16 aa And rewrite the Bible in-
ICharles n down out of the mtree stead,

82
The great Brit class system BRITS

17 -Which he did. a. Psay.5B.I-13 14 And an incredibly distorted


18 After his departure, it took a b. Exp.9.13 view of reality.
while for the dust to clear, but c. 19.25-26
eventually the situation was re- d. Ed.63.3
solved in the usual, inexplicable e. 6.15-23 CHAPTER 19
Brit way,
19 With a bforeigner on the
f 5.2-3
g. 15.30-33 U nder the Brit class system,
there were basically two
throne, h.6.24.25 classes,
de lO.ll
20 Which became a succession de 12.4-5 2 kNamely the Lords,
of foreigners, i. 21.16 3 lAnd the commoners.
21 Including some Cqueens, j. Gnt.IO.14-15 4 The Lords had lots of money
22 And then a whole series of k. Chr.3.23-25 and titles and were mvery well
dim-witted dGeorges, I. Chr.3.26 bred,
23 Who did a great job of ensur-
m. Dav.l0.14 5 nWhich meant that they
ing that Brit foreign policy stay
n.5.5-6 dressed very well,
stupid and backward enough to o. Jefs.7.15-17 6 And received what the British
increase British power enor- p.IO.6 called a °gentleman's education,
mously. q. 1.8-9 7 PWhich started before birth,
r. Psay.5V,20 8 q And often ended in a horrible
s. Psay.l.6 death.
CHAPTER 18 t. Psay.5Q.78 9 For example, the babies of
W hat with all the fun the u. 18.13
Brits had been having at
Lords were required to be born
fully dressed,
home for the last few centuries, 10 rAnd weren't allowed to cry,
2 eKilling kings, 11 sFrom their first spanking
3 And changing forms of gov- on,
ernment, 12 Through their beatings in the
4 rAnd assimilating lots of for- nursery,
eign rulers, 13 tThrough their canings in
5 It might seem that they were public school,
too busy to cause a lot of trouble 14 And so forth,
for other nations, 15 For the rest of their lives.
6 But as it turns out, 16 They were raised by govern-
7 The Brits are never too busy esses,
to cause trouble for other na- 17 Called nannies,
tions, 18 Who helped prepare them for
8 And in spite of all their lrevo- public school by keeping them
lutions and other h SpOrts, from forming any emotional at-
9 They had found time to make tachments to their parents,
quite a lot of progress toward 19 Or anyone else,
world dominion, 20 Since emotional attachments
10 IWhich can't have been easy, can lead to crying,
11 But the Brits had a secret 21 Which causes the upper lip
wea~n, to quiver,
12 Called the class system, 22 U And is therefore not al-
13 Which gave everybody a lowed.
stiff upper lip, 23 After being properly pre-

83
BRITS Brit duty, honor, and tradition

pared in this way, the children of a. Mawr.22.20 ways been very good at.
Lords, b. 23.15
24 Which is to say, young Brit- c. Mawr.5.4
ish gentlemen, d.21.1 CHAPTER 20
25 aSince the female children of
Lords weren't allowed to do
e. 11.11
f. 19.16-18 T he other class of Brits,
which is to say the com-
anything, g.19.34 moners, did not receive a gentle-
26 Except be queen and mon- h. 19.41 man's education,
arch of the country occasionally, i. 19.39 2 And therefore did not attend
27 Went to the public school j. 19.43 Eton and Oxford,
their father had gone to, k. Psom.23.11 3 Or even Harrow and Cam-
28 bWhich was Eton, bridge,
29 Unless it was Harrow, 4 And didn't have to have
30 And from there to the univer- honor,
sity their father had gone to, 5 hSince they usually got to
31 Which was Oxford, meet their fathers,
32 Unless it was Cambridge, 6 Unless they were bastards,
33 And after that, they had to 7 Which aren't expected to have
choose a career. honor anyway.
34 "For example, firstborn sons 8 But being Brits, even the com-
had to choose inheriting their fa- moners were bound by duty and
ther's title, tradition,
35 dAnd second-born sons had 9 IWhich meant that they always
to choose a career in the mili- had to do what their superiors
tary, told them to,
36 e And third-born sons had to 10 Without thinking about it,
choose a career in the Church of 11 JAnd also had to do what
England, their fathers already did,
37 And soon, 12 And their fathers,
38 Which helps explain why the 13 And their fathers too,
Brits invented concepts like 14 And soon,
duty, honor, and tradition, 15 Without thinking about it,
39 Since duty means doing what 16 Without any exceptions,
your superiors tell you to, 17 Butone.
40 Without thinking about it, 18 The exception was that a
41 And honor means doing commoner could always choose
what your father would have told a career in the Brit navy,
you to do fif you'd ever had the 19 Even if his father had never
chance to meet him, had a career in the Brit navy,
42 Without thinking about it, 20 Which he could do by hang-
43 g And tradition means doing ing out in the right tavern,
what your father already did, 21 kMeaning the kind of tavern
44 And his father, that might be visited by impress-
45 And his father too, mentgangs,
46 And soon, 22 Who recruited commoners
47 Without thinking about it, into the navy for twelve years or
48 Which the Lords have al- so,

84
Nice uniforms make everything okay BRITS

23 aBy means of blackjacks and a. Psay.5Q.78 22 I And other Brit navy tradi-
chains, b. Kens. 12. 10 tions along much the same lines.
24 Which explains why the Brit c. 19.2 23 The Brit officers had it bet-
navy got so big and powerful, d. Chr.3.26 ter, though,
25 bAnd stayed that way e.22.12 24 Since they got to wear nice
through thick and thin, f 15.22 uniforms,
26 Even though Britain was ac- g.I.9 25 Which made it all okay,
tually a pretty small country. h. Grk.23.12 26 For some reason.
8rit.9.3
i. Ann.6.23
CHAPTER 21 Grk.9.7 CHAPTER 22
I n fact, the Brit navy was the
greatest single accomplish-
j. 18.13
3.9
O f course, the navy wasn't
the only Brit military orga-
ment of Brit culture, GodsA.JO nization that had such a fine tra-
2 'Consisting of an officer corps k. Dav.22A7 dition.
l. Psom.64.1-3
from the upper class, 2 The Brit army was almost as
3 d And an enlisted corps from m. 19.6
dutiful and honorable and tradi-
n.7.8
the lower class, tional as the navy,
o. Psom.60.1-2
4 All of whom were bound to do 3 And had very nice uniforms
p. Kens.22.3
their duty, too,
q. Kens.22A
5 ·Without thinking about it, 4 With bright red coats so that
6 fEven if it killed them, the enemy could see them com-
7 Which it usually did. ing,
8 In return for their service, the 5 Since it wouldn't have been
Brits who served in the navy got fair to hide,
some lime juice every day, 6 Because hiding is too easy,
9 And a ration of grog, 7 And therefore not British.
10 Meaning rum-flavored swill, 8 mThe Brit army officers were
11 IIAnd the chance to fight sea gentlemen, of course,
battles against great odds, 9 And got to wear nice regimen-
12 hIn places so far from home tal neckties when they were
that they could spend their whole home,
naval career on one voyage there 10 Which made up for the fact
and back, that they always had to lead the
13 If they got back, attack,
14 Which wasn't easy, 11 Against superior numbers of
15 Naturally, enemy troops,
16 Since they were Brits and 12 n As required by tradition,
therefore had to do everything 13 While wearing special offi-
the hard way, cers' uniforms, which,
17 iSuch as with floggings, 14 Though nice,
18 j And summary executions at 15 Made great °targets for en-
sea, emy sharpshooters.
19 Often for no reason, 16 The Brit enlisted soldiers
20 Except that the kCaptain said were commoners, of course,
so, 17 PAnd had to do their duty too,
21 And rotten bread infested 18 qWhich consisted of always
with worms, marching in neat rows,

85
BRITS Wellington confuses Napoleon

19 aToward the enemy, a. Kens.22.5 enormously to eventual Brit vic-


20 bNo matter what. b. Kens.22.6 tory.
c. Spic.11. B
d. 17.19-21 CHAPTER 24

T
CHAPTER 23
hanks to the Cgreat tradition
e. 17.22
f Frog. 7.9 T here was one little episode,
however, from which the
of the Brit military, Brit for- g. Yks.116.16 Brits did not emerge completely
eign policy tended to be very h. Psay.5Y.52 victorious,
successful. i. Psay.5Y.22 2 Which is not to say that they
2 In spite of all their internal j. Psay.5W.B lost,
Yks. 10. 1-2
revolutions and their dforeign 3 tBecause the Brits never lose a
k. Frog.15.10-
queens and their string of edim- 12 war,
witted Georges, t. IB.11-14 4 uEven when it sort of looks
3 The Brits managed to defeat m. Dav.21.25- that way.
the French several times, 29 5 What happened was that the
4 'In the Hundred Years War, n. Dav.21.30- Brits had worked hard to colo-
5 gAnd the Thirty Years War, 31
nize part of America,
o. Yks.19.2
6 hAnd the Seven Years war, Dav. 10. 10 6 Which they did the hard way,
7 iAnd the Napoleonic Wars p.22.12 of course,
too. q. IB.1O 7 'Starting later than everyone
8 These Brit victories took place r. 19.29 else,
on a couple of different conti- s. Dav.46.15 8 wAnd then doing it by sending
nents, t. 7.B boatfuls of unpleasant religious
9 Including America, jwhere u. 15.31 outcasts into Indian-infested
the Frogs couldn't win even with v. Exp.B.5 tracts of wilderness, without
the help of a bunch of Indians, w. Exp.16.3-6 funds or provisions, to build rich
10 And Europe, kwhere the x. Yks.6.2-17 and valuable new world colo-
Frogs couldn't break their losing y. Yks.6.1B-22 nies.
streak even with the help of a z. Yks.7.1-lB 9 xThis brilliant strategy ulti-
brilliant Corsican general, QQ. Yks.B.l-B mately provided the Brits with
11 Although they would have if bb. Yks.B.9-17 the richest, most valuable colo-
the Brits hadn't had their great cc. Yks.9.1-5 nies in the world,
(class system to produce the tid. Yks.l.6 10 YWhich they quite properly
right Brit heroes in the nick of ee. 22.12 tried to exploit through taxation,
time, ff. 15.3 11 "Resulting in a lot of grous-
12 Such as mNelson, ing by the colonists,
13 "Who had one arm and one 12 aaWho wanted to be indepen-
eye and therefore knew how to dent,
think like a Frenchman, 13 bbMeaning tax-free,
14 And °Wellington, Pwho 14 ccAnd then declared that they
didn't know how to think at all, were independent,
15 qThus explaining why he 15 ddWith a nation of their own,
made the Brit army fight the Bat- 16 And topped it off by saying a
tle of Waterloo on the playing lot of impolite things about the
fields of fEton, king.
16 Which confused "Napoleon 17 eeObviously, the Brits had to
no end, suppress the rebellion,
17 And therefore contributed 18 rrBut since the Americans
86
Unfortunate encounters in America BRITS

were fighting against great odds, a. Psom.62.1 mowed down thousands of Dred-
with fewer troops and weapons b. 15.16 coats,
and provisions than the Brits c. 41.21 11 °Marching neatly in rows,
had, d. Bks.6.24 12 Without losing a man them-
19 "The Brits were unnerved, e. 15.31 selves,
20 Never having been in this f Yks.18.1-9 13 PIn the final battle,
situation before. g. Yks.19.1 14 Which wouldn't have been
21 So, not wanting to do things h. Yks.18.10-13 fought in the first place if the
the easy way, i. Ann.4.32 peace treaty had been delivered
22 They hired a bunch of bGer- j. Ann.4.30-31 on time.
man mercenaries to suppress the k. Yks.18.15
rebellion for them, I. Yks.18.17
23 "Which didn't work out ex- m. 24.3 CHAPTER 26
actly right,
24 d And led to the establish-
n. 22.4
o. 22.17-20
p. Yks.18.18
B ut fortunately for the Brits,
there were other parts of the
ment of the United States of world,
q. 1.4
America as a free and indepen- 2 Places where there were vast
r. 17.22
dent nation, numbers of brave natives willing
25 Which still doesn't mean that s. Psay.5w'11 to outnumber the Brits in defense
the Brits lost a war, t. Bks.3.1-9 oftheir homelands,
26 Since it was obviously a rev- u. f;nk.12.1- 3 Which enabled the Brits to
olution, v. Yks.20.16-17 fight in the proper way,
27 "And revolutions don't w.Oth.6.1-7 4 Against great odds,
count. x. Frog.19.5 5 Wearing very nice uniforms,
y. Frog. 17. 2 6 Except for the ones that in-
CHAPTER 25 Yks.20.9 cluded short pants,
fIn fact, the Brits had another z. Ann.18.6 7 qWhich turned out to be okay
unfortunate encounter with aa. Psom.36.5- anyway because the Brits have
6
the United States a little later on, never understood that short pants
bb. Swar.35.10-
2 gWhich they also didn't lose, 13 are not nice, but silly.
3 hHaving inflicted a lot of dam- 8 And so, as the r dim-witted
age on the Yanks, Georges gave way to dim-witted
4 Including burning their 'capi- monarchs with other names,
tal city, 9 Brit power and influence ex-
5 And the jhouse of their presi- panded enormously,
dent, 10 SUntil there were huge Brit
6 kNot to mention sinking a lot colonies in Africa,
of their ships, 11 lAnd India,
7 I And then concluding a peace 12 And Asia,
U

treaty before the final unfortu- 13 v And Indochina,


nate battle occurred. 14 wAnd Australia,
8 mWhich is why there's no rea- 15 xAnd Canada,
son for the Yanks to think they 16 YAnd Ireland,
won, 17 zAnd Wales,
9 Even though the peace treaty 18 as And Scotland,
basically gave the Yanks what 19 bb And wherever else there
they wanted, were non-white or non-Brit peo-
10 And even though the Yanks ples who needed to be taught
87
BRITS The Brit sense of humor

how to do everything the hard a. Psay.l.6 that mparliament got to make


way, h. Psongo48.1-5 most of the real decisions,
20 Including honor and tradition c. Psong.47.5 12 nAnd they had also invented
and fair play and so forth, d. Vino49.5 a tradition of allowing common-
21 BEven if they all had to be e. Psay.5A.31 ers to vote and serve in Parlia-
slaughtered to the last man, f Psong.53.6-7 ment,
woman, and child in order to g. Psongo45.3-5 13 Which was called democ-
learn it properly, h. Psong.53.9 racy,
22 bS O that eventually there i. 19.25-26 14 Meaning rule by Lords who
came a day when the sun never j. Dav.7.5 have resigned their titles to pose
set on the British Empire, k. Mawr. 29. 3-4 as commoners,
23 And no matter where you I. 6.24-26 15 °Which led to prime minis-
went in the world, m. 7.1-3 ters,
24 ·You could hear people talk- n.27.1 16 Whose job it was to say
ing at great length about their o. Godso404-6 clever things,
views on Brit honor and tradi- p. Psom.7504-5 17 P And rule the world.
q.IO.9
tion,
r.9.3
25 And fair play, CHAPTER 28
26 Not to mention Brit Ulll-
forms.
s. Adam.5.1-8
t. Adam.3.2-7
u. Adam. 7.1
O ne big advantage the Brits
had in ruling the world was
that they had made up lots and
v. Adam. 7.2-4
CHAPTER 27 lots of science,
w. Adam. 7.5-6
dBut the Brits also had a great 2 Which they had a knack for,
x. Adam.9.1-4
sense of humor, y. Adam. 10. 9-
3 qBecause nothing makes life
2 Meaning that they never took 11 harder for everyone like ad-
the criticisms of foreigners too z. Adam. 11 .6-8 vanced technology.
seriously, aa. Adam. 1004- 4 For example, the Brits fig-
3 "Because you had to consider 8 ured out that the climate in Great
the source, Britain,
4 rAnd if the peoples who 5 rWhile bad,
carped about the Brits were so 6 Wasn't bad enough,
great, then how come the Brits 7 'Which convinced them to
owned all their territory, start an industrial revolution,
5 g And all their money, 8 'By inventing capitalism,
6 hAnd almost everyone else's 9 U And steam engines,
too? 10 v And lots of powerful ma-
7 In fact, the Brits were so chinery driven by steam engines,
confident about things in gen- 11 WAnd factories to put the ma-
eral that they felt lighthearted chinery in,
enough to crown a iqueen as 12 So that the whole country
their monarch, could be filled with coal smoke,
8 Whose name was JVictoria, 13 'With the help of the com-
9 And who lived for an entire moners,
age, 14 YWhose job it was to bum
10 kNamed after herself. coal in factories twenty or thirty
11 Of course, by this time, the hours a day,
Brits had done enough 'King- 15 zIncluding children,
Baiting over the years to ensure 16 aaFor pennies.
88
The Brits produce a composer BRITS

17 Working for such long hours a. Frog.24.1 from the many nations they had
made the commoners hungry, b. Exp.7.6 conquered and jcivilized.
18 Which was a problem, c. Adam. 10.12- 3 For example, in the course of
19 BBecause it was the French 18 their thousand-year history, the
who had invented food, d. Psom. 75. 10 Brits had produced well over
20 bAnd wouldn't give the Brits e. Adam. 1l.1-5
half a dozen artists,
any, f Exp.l.3-6 4 Including kTumer,
g. Yks.20.25-27
21 Thus explaining why there 5 And probably some others
h. Psong.47.4
wasn't any food in Great Britain, too.
i. Psay.5Q.78
22 And still isn't. 6 During the same time period,
j.28.36-38
23 Anyway, they had also produced a com-
k. Gods.1.4
24 When the commoners got I. Ed.29.6
poser,
hungry, the Brits responded with 7 Whose name was IPurcell,
m. Kn.13.1-6
another one of their clever inven- n. Chr.3.23-25
8 And who was pretty okay,
tions, o. Swar.14.5-8
even if he wasn't mMozart,
25 <Namely gin, p.22.10
9 But then comparatively few
26 Which didn't exactly elimi- 19.47 people are.
nate hunger, Frog. 35. 12 10 And there was quite a lot of
27 dBut made the commoners q.l.2 architecture in Britain as well,
forget they were hungry, r. 15.30-31 11 nIncluding incredibly huge
28 And tired, castles and stately old homes,
29 Andcold, 12 °Which weren't any uglier
30 e And sick from breathing than the huge castles and stately
coal smoke twenty or thirty old homes that had been built by
hours a day. thieves and pirates the world
31 'Thanks to this invention, the over, since time immemorial,
Brits soon became the richest 13 PSince you've got to spend
industrial nation on earth, all that loot on something.
32 g And sold proper Brit clothes 14 And besides, some of the ar-
to everyone the world over, chitecture in London was really
33 Including millions of wogs, beautiful and impressive,
34 Meaning "non-white natives 15 If you could only see it
so ignorant they don't know through the fog,
enough to wear spats," 16 qWhich wasn't the Brits'
35 hWho were often unaware fault,
that they needed new clothes un- 17 rUnless you count coal
til the Brit military gave them smoke.
fashion lessons,
36 Which usually involved stay- CHAPTER 30
ing after school,
37 Under British rule,
A nd art and music and archi-
tecture weren't the only Brit
38 IForever. cultural accomplishments.
2 For example, there was liter-
CHAPTER 29 ature,
B y now, in fact, the Brits had
a considerable amount of
3 Which they couldn't seem to
get enough of,
culture, 4 No matter how much they had
2 Not all of which was stolen already,
89
BRITS Malory invents King Arthur

5 aFor some reason, a. 104 Queene' a giant classic of Brit


6 Which probably had nothing b. 30.3-5 literature.
to do with the way they felt c. 30.3-5 17 There was also 'Malory, who
about other things, d.30.3-5 only wrote in prose,
7 bLike territory, e.40.B 18 But who invented UKing Ar-
8 And tradition,
C f. 19.6-B thur and 'Queen Guinevere and
9 d And power, g. Pnot.33.1-5 Sir Lancelot and WMerlin and the
10 eAnd clothes. h. Exp.3.2-B XHoly Grail,
11 Anyway, i. Carl.3.B 19 Which convinced the Brits
12 This led to a truly large num- j. Chr.9.1-7 that they were special,
ber of Brit poets and Brit drama- k. Dav.30AO 20 YFor some reason,
tists and Brit novelists and Brit I. Krt.6A-5 21 And therefore became an-
philosophers , m.15.32 other giant classic of Brit liter-
13 So many in fact that it's hard n. Dav.15.9 ature.
to remember them all, o. Pnot.1.1-5 22 And then there was Shake-
14 Unless you're a Brit, p.31.B speare.
15 rAnd have had a gentleman's q. Hill.AA
r. Dav.20A2
education. CHAPTER 32
s. Bks.3.14
t. Dav.19.B
u. Pnot.25.1
W hen the end of the world
comes, the last sound
CHAPTER 31 anyone hears will probably be
I n the beginning of Brit litera-
ture, there was gBeowulf,
v. Pnot.25.2
w. Pnot.25.3-5
x. Chr.B.17
some Brit talking about Shake-
speare,
2 Who was really a hDane, y. Grk.B.1-4
2 Who was really great,
3 Unless he was a iGeat, z. Gnt.15.1-32
3 And wrote a lot of 'plays and
4 And had a poem written about & 16.1-12 sonnets,
him in the JDark Ages, 00.10.9 4 aaUnless Francis Bacon wrote
5 By ksomebody or other, bb. Adam.30.2- them,
6 Who didn't write in English, 7 5 Which doesn't really matter
but IAnglo-Saxon, CC. Dav.7.5 anyway,
7 Which counts anyway, 6 Because they were both Brits,
8 mOwing to the peculiar Brit 7 And great,
method of counting. 8 Even if the Brits keep trying
9 Then there was nChaucer, to spoil it by putting on a lot of
who wrote a bunch of tales about tedious productions of Shake-
a °trip to Canterbury, speare's plays,
10 PWhich also counts, 9 And writing endless numbers
11 Even though Chaucer didn't of incredibly tedious books
write in English, but Middle about Shakespeare,
English, 10 bb And all the other stuff you
12 qWhich is a lot like English have to do if you want the world
but with everything misspelled. to acknowledge that you once
13 Then came rSpenser, who produced someone who did
wrote poetry the hard way, something really great.
14 Meaning that no one can
read it, CHAPTER 33
15 No matter how hard he tries,
16 'Which makes 'The Faerie
A fter Shakespeare there was
CCMilton, who was blind,
90
NewtonJorgets to discover relativity BRITS

2 And great, a. Pnot.J3.1·5 7 That nobody but Brits can


3 Even if his poetry didn't h. Name.3.4 read.
rhyme, c. Lies.2.9·23
4 Which was deliberate, d. Psay.5Q.21 CHAPTER 36
5 For some reason. e. Chr.6.11
6 Bit was Milton who wrote f Swar.IO.4-5 T he invention of reason con-
vinced a lot of well-educated
'Paradise Lost,' g. Dav.14.26 Brits that they could think,
Spic.12.5
7 Which was about b Adam and 2 Which is how the BIits came
h. Psay.5A.4
Eve, Penn.2.2 to invent kirony,
S 'Who were famous Brit reli- Psom.78.10 3 And helps explain why there
gious figures, i. 10.9 was 'Isaac Newton,
9 And great, j. Drex.6.3-15 4 mWho invented physics,
10 Though not as great as Psom.24.1-4 5 By letting an napple fallon his
Shakespeare. k. Swar.14. 7 head,
I. Dav.20.42
6 And thereby discovered °grav-
m.41.21 ity,
CHAPTER 34
T here was also d Alexander
·Pope, who came after
n. Lies. 2. 13
o. Hall.6.9
p. AI.2.1-5
7 And a lot of other things too,
S P Although he forgot to dis-
Milton, cover the theory of relativity,
q. AI.2.6-8
2 rAnd decided that all the best 9 qAnd other important things,
literature had already been writ _ r. Lies. 2. 17-23 10 Probably because he was
s. Frog.27.1
ten, & 28.1 stunned by the rapple.
3 Which meant that it was okay t. Ed.46.10
for gpope to write everything in u. Frog.27.2-4 CHAPTER 37
hrhyming couplets, v. Pnot.9.1-5 'Another very reasonable Brit
4 Which are great, w. 28.19-20 was 'Jonathan Swift, who
5 If you don't get sick to death thought that the world was full
ofthem in the first ten minutes, of stupid, inflexible, wrong-
6 And since Brits don't, headed idiots,
7 Pope is great, 2 uFor some reason,
S Though not as great as Shake- 3 And wrote it all down in a
speare. book called v 'Gulliver's Travels,'
4 About a Brit who met a lot of
CHAPTER 35 stupid, inflexible, wrong-headed
nd then came the Age of idiots of different sizes and
A
Reason, which was a time shapes,
when everybody thought that it 5 Including little ones,
was possible to figure every- 6 And big ones,
thing out, 7 And even some that were
2 And eventually make it all shaped like horses,
better, S Though smarter.
3 'Somehow. 9 It was also Swift who made a
4 JReason doesn't really mix modest proposal,
with poetry, though, 10 About using Irish babies as
5 But someone forgot to tell the food,
Brits, 11 wBecause there wasn't any
6 Which resulted in a lot more food in Great Britain,
great poetry, 12 And never had been,
91
BRITS The romantics try to invent emotion

13 Whereas there were a lot of a. Dav.20.42 2 JEven if you'd had a gentle-


Irish babies, b. Psay.5Q.16 man's education,
14 Which the Brits all thought c. Psom.5.1-6 3 kWhich wasn't easy,
was ironic, d. Dav.20.42 4 And therefore resulted in a
15 And great, e. Yks.73.4 huge number of Brit romantic
/ 16 Though not as great as f Dav.47.]] poets,
&47.22
Shakespeare. 5 Who invented lots of new Brit
g. Psom.45.10-
11 emotions,
CHAPTER 38 Dav.56.]] 6 Such as romantic melancholy,
T hen there was aSamuel
Johnson,
h. Psom.44.1-9
i. Wi/.17.1
j. 19.16-19
7 'Which is the feeling you get
if you're a Brit trying to experi-
ence a genuine emotion.
2 bWho wrote down a lot of
clever remarks, k. 41.21 8 For example, there was
3 And had a friend named I. 19.21 mKeats,
<Boswell who followed him m. Dav.20.34 9 Who wanted to love a
around and wrote down all the' n. Psong.49.1-3 Rnightingale and also possibly an
o. Dav.20.34 urn of some sort,
clever remarks Johnson made in
p. Ed.27.5 10 And °Shelley,
public,
q. Dav.20.34 11 Who wanted to love a 'stone
4 Which were all great,
r. Ann. 18. 18 statue buried in the desert,
5 Though not as great as Shake-
s. Dav.20.34 12 And qByron,
speare.
t. Ann.18.]] 13 Who wanted to love rwomen,
u. Dav.20.34 14 And 'Wordsworth,
CHAPTER 39 v. Ann.18.20
A nother great Brit thinker
was dJohn Locke,
w. Swar.16.1-4
x. Swar.16.5-7
15 Who wanted to love 'En-
gland,
16 And uColeridge,
2 ·Who invented democracy,
17 Who wanted to love 'God
3 Unless it was someone else
and His creations.
who invented democracy,
18 wThrough prodigious effort,
4 rAnd Locke just thought about
the romantic poets succeeded in
it a lot.
working themselves up to an
emotional state that was some-
CHAPTER 40 thing like mild yearning,
T here was also a Brit named
GWilliam Blake,
19 'Only tinged with a vague
sadness,
2 Who liked tigers, 20 Which is a pretty passionate
3 And God, way to feel,
4 And hampersands, 21 If you're a Brit.
5 Which led to the Brit romantic
movement,
6 And was therefore great, CHAPTER 42
7 Though,
8 l Youknow. T hen came the Victorians,
2 Who were passionate,
CHAPTER 41 3 Though not quite as passion-
T he romantics were Brits who
thought that it might be pos-
ate as the romantics,
4 Because you don't have a lot
sible to feel emotions, of time for emotional fireworks
92
Kipling explains everything BRITS

if you're responsible for ruling a. Dav.20.2B named 0 Arthur Conan Doyle,


the world, b. Ned.29.B-JO 25 Who thought it was a good
5 Unless you're aCharles Dick- ~w:d~i~~i~~~7 idea to have clever characters,
ens, c. Pnot.30.1-5 26 Which is how he came to
6 And almost as great as Shake- d. Dav.19.B
invent PSherlock Holmes,
speare, e. Dav.14.24 27 Who was fascinated by du-
7 Which lets you wear your f Ann.1B.26 plicity, treachery, and murder,
bheart on your sleeve, g. Psay.5Q.29 28 qDespised women,
8 And write Csentimental stories h. Dav.19.B 29 Detested emotion,
that go on, i. Ed.2B.1 30 But dressed properly,
9 Andon, Yks. 61. 19-20 31 And therefore became more
10 And on, j. Vin.ll.10-15 popular than Shakespeare.
11 For many many pages. k. Paul. 7.6
12 Anyway, dBrowning was a I. Psom.17.6-7 CHAPfER43
Victorian poet who thought that
poetry should consist of clever
& 22.1-4
m. Dav.19.B
n. Yks.27.12
T here was also a Brit who
didn't think that literature
remarks, was about being clever,
o. Dav.19.B
13 And 'Oscar Wilde was a Vic- 2 But about having lots and lots
p. Dav.19.B
torian dramatist and poet who of sex,
q. Mawr. 22. 20
thought that rlife should consist 3 Or at least thinking about it a
r. Main.1B.6
of clever remarks, lot,
s. Dav.30.9
14 And unlike Browning, 4 r And then discussing it for
t. Ed.2B.4
15 Actually put some clever re- u. Dav.14.39
thousands and thousands of
marks into his Iwork. pages,
16 There was also an extremely 5 Which the Brits didn't ap-
peculiar Victorian named hLewis prove of,
Carroll, who thought that litera- 6 Because no matter how hard
ture should consist of iclever they looked,
nonsense, 7 Starting with the very first
17 JWhich he proceeded to do word of the first page and then
so cleverly that to this day k no proceeding through every single
one has the slightest idea what salacious scene,
he was ltalking about. 8 All the way to the very last
18 Another clever Victorian word of the last page,
was mRudyard Kipling, 9 There was nothing clever to
19 Who thought it was a good be found in the books of SD.H.
idea to write clever poems and Lawrence.
stories about ruling the world the
hard way. CHAPfER44
20 It was also Kipling who fi-
nally discovered the reason why
T .he Brits .also had some
women wnters,
Brits do everything the hard 2 Including tJane Austen,
way, 3 Who wrote stories about the
21 nWhich is called the White importance of manners,
Man's Burden, 4 Which the Brits think they in-
22 And explains everything, vented,
23 If you're a Brit. 5 For some reason.
24 There was also a Victorian 6 There was also UEmily Bronte
93
BRITS The Brits tolerate provincial writers

and her sister ·Charlotte, a. Ed.2B.4 glish better if he turned it into a


7 Who each wrote a book about b. Swar.32.11 language that nobody could un-
a long and peculiar romance, c. Dav.20.42 derstand,
8 bWhich convinced a lot of d. Dav.14.39 9 mUnless their name was James
other women down through his- e. lS.32 Joyce,
tory to do the same thi}Jg, f Psom.72.1-6 10 And nWilliam Butler Yeats,
9 Unfortunately. g. Main.22.JO an Irishman who thought En-
10 There was also "George h. Dav.46.27 glish would be better if it kind of
&:3S.40
Eliot, seemed to make sense,
i. Adam.10.1-B
11 Who was a woman too, 11 °Until you read it more care-
j. Psom.36.1-7
12 For some reason. Ext. 16.4-6 fully,
13 Then there was dElizabeth k. Dav.14.22 12 And PT.S. Eliot, an Ameri-
Barrett Browning, l. Dav.14.22 can who thought that English
14 eWho extended the odd Brit m. F&J.1S.S-17 would be better if it contained
system of counting to include n. Dav.14.22 so many qdepressing foreign-
love, o. Psom.6.3 language references that no
15 fWithout much success. p. Dav.20.34 American would ever be able to
q. Swar.17.1-3 figure them out,
CHAPTER4S r. Psom.12.4 13 Unless that American had
A nd even though there was s.29.2
absolutely no chance that lS.31
the exquisite taste to move to
Britain,
they could ever live up to Shake- t. 29.12 14 And spend the rest of his life
speare, looking up neat foreign language
2 The Brits also tolerated at- references in rdusty Brit li-
tempts at literature by writers braries,
from their most benighted prov- 15 Under the shadow of Shake-
inces, speare.
3 KSuch as Ireland, Scotland,
and America, CHAPrER46
4 Even though most of the writ-
ers from these places didn't re-
I n addition to all of their own
culture, the Brits owned quite
ally like English, a lot of "artwork,
5 And kept trying to turn it into 2 From Egypt and Greece and
something else, Rome,
6 Like hRobert Burns, a Scot 3 And France and Germany and
who owned a Istinking Japos- Italy,
trophe factory in Glasgow and 4 And lots of other places too,
thought English would be better 5 Which they stored in muse-
if it had several apostrophes in ums and lcastles and stately
each word, homes,
7 And kGeorge Bernard Shaw, 6 And looked at every so often,
an Irishman who thought En- 7 Just to make sure,
glish would be better if the right 8 That it wasn't as great as
spellings for words could be de- Shakespeare.
cided by five hundred drunken
Irishmen in a pub, CHAPTER 47
8 And Ijames Joyce, an Irish-
man who thought he'd like En-
A nd then there was. the pecu-
liar Brit cultural obsession
94
The hard way vs. the big way BRITS

with something called "sport," a. 23.15 8 lIn particular, the Germans


2 Which always involved lots of b. Psay.5S.20 thought they had discovered a
oddly dressed Brits doing ·some- c. Psay.5S.21 new way of being the Chosen
thing incomprehensible on a d. 15.37 Nation,
playing field, e. Grk.8.32 9 mWhich was to do everything
3 And never getting upset when f Adam.l0.3 the big way.
they lost, g.7.8 10 nFor example, the Germans
4 Whether they lost at bcricket, h.9.5-6 got the idea that if there could be
5 Orcrugby, i. Exp.l.17-25 a really big war,
6 Or dfootball, j. Gnt.13.4-8 11 °Involving everybody,
7 Or·polo, k.22.12 12 PAnd the Germans won it
8 Or'golf, t. Krt.22.1-2 big,
9 Or anything else, m. Kn.22.3-12 13 qThey would automatically
10 Except wars, of course, n. Krt.22.13-15 become the Chosen Nation.
11 BBecause Brits never lose o. Krt.22.16 14 For this reason, the German
wars, p. Kn.22.17 ruler,
q. Mawr.22.22
12 Which maybe explains why 15 Called 'Kaiser Wilhelm,
r. Dav.14.25
they were always such a good 16 sGot some German muni-
s. Adam.42.9-
sport in any contest where world 15 tions manufacturers to help him
dominion wasn't on the line, t. Frog.33.3-6 start World War I,
13 hAnd maybe also explains u. Frog. 33. 7-8 17 'Which almost backfired
why nobody else has ever under- v. Forg.5.6 when the French tried to start it
stood the Brit definition of fair w.l.9 first,
play, x. Kn.24.2-3 18 UBut soon settled down to
14 Since it seems to occur only y.22.12 become a really big war,
when there are no foreigners on z. 15.31 19 With lots of really big armies
the field, involved,
15 In games that nobody but 20 Shooting off lots of really
Brits want to play. big guns,
21 Resulting in lots of really big
CHAPTER 48 casualties,
O f course, while it was obvi-
ous to the Brits that they
22 v And then lots of really big
cemeteries,
were way ahead on points in the 23 Allover the world.
irace to be the Chosen Nation,
2 And had been for quite some
time,
3 JThe way they read the rules,
wB CHAPTER 49
eing outnumbered, the
Brits fought very well in
anyway, xWorld War I,
4 There were still other nations 2 And because the big way of
who thought the Brits had just having a war turned out to be an
been lucky, exceptionally hard way to have a
5 For quite some time, war,
6 k And might be getting tired of 3 It Yeventually resulted in an-
being raised, educated, and other Brit victory,
killed in the hardest possible 4 Which unfortunately had to be
way, shared,
7 For centuries. 5 "Just a little,
95
BRITS The Brits try being above it all

6 With the -French, a. Frog.34.1 15 Except for one antiquated


7 And the bAmericans, b. Yks.76.1-17 Brit named tWinston Churchill,
8 And the cRussians, c. Russ. 15. 13- 16 uWho still believed in doing
9 And the dItalians, 15 things the hard way,
10 And even the eJapanese, d. Rom.24.17- 17 Y And who was the only one
IB
11 For some reason. e. Nips. 14. 1-5 who noticed when the Germans
12 Fortunately, however, the f. Frog.34.6 started rebuilding their military,
blame for starting the war did g.I.9 18 WIn a big way.
not have to be shared, h. Krt.24.2-3 19 XBut most of the Brits were
13 fBut could be assigned com- i. Frog.35.4 really enjoying being above it
pletely to Germany, j. Exp.l.4-5 all,
14 Who resented it, Ie. Adam. 15. 1- 20 And thought Churchill was
15 gIn a big way, 16 just having fun,
16 But had to pay war repara- I. Yks.120.6 21 The hard way,
tions anyhow. m.22.18-20 22 Which was Yamusing, of
n. Krt.24.2-3 course,
CHAPTER SO o. Yks. 75. 7-12 23 But nothing to get alarmed
A fter.bWOrld War I, the Brits
got 'depressed,
p. Yks.77.1-14
q. Yks.7B.I-2
about.

2 JHaving discovered that the r. lra.26.21-27 CHAPTERS1


United States was now bigger
and richer than the Brit Empire,
s. Krt.29.1-10
t. Dav.14.20
&14.27
W hen the Germans decided
that Austria was really
3 kFor some reason. u. Psay.5A.13
part of Germany,
4 Since it was clear that the v. Krt.31.14
2 And always had been,
Americans Ididn't believe in do- w.49.15 3 Churchill got upset,
ing things the hard way, the Brits x. Krt.31.17 4 "But the Brits decided to re-
began to think that maybe they y. Dav.29.9 main above it all,
needed a new way themselves. z. Yks.lDl.14- 5 Except that the Brit prime
5 m After all, the Brits had 15 minister,
fought DWorld War I the hard 00. Dav.20.34 6 Called aaNeville Chamberlain,
way, bb. Yks.B2.7 7 bb Asked the Germans to be
6 And had millions and millions cc.49.15 nice from now on,
of dead to show for it, dd. Yks.l0J.J6 8 Which they said they would
7 °Whereas the Americans spent ee.51.7 do,
most of the war being above it 9 But actually they were lying,
all, 10 ccIn a big way.
8 PThen danced in at the end 11 Then, when the Germans de-
and lost no more than a few cided that Czechoslovakia was
thousand troops, also part of Germany,
9 qTops. 12 And always had been,
10 And so the Brits tried being 13 Churchill got upset,
'above it all for a few years, 14 ddBut the Brits decided once
11 Reducing the size of the again to remain above it all,
navy, 15 eeExcept that Neville Cham-
12 And the army, berlain asked the Germans to do
13 And ignoring most of what better from now on,
was happening everywhere else, 16 Which they said they would
14 sIncluding Germany, do,
96
Churchill remembers the hard way BRITS

17 Although they were actually a. 49.15 13 JWithout the help of the


lying again, b. Yks.101.17- French,
18 aIn a big way. 18 14 Which was much the best
19 When the Germans decided c. Psay.5Q.38 way,
that the next country which re- d. Frog.37.5
15 All things considered.
e. Frog.37.8
ally had always belonged to 16 During the Battle of Britain,
them was Poland, J 49.15 the Germans managed to level
g. F&J.14.2-4
20 And the Poles objected, large sections of London with
h. Mall.6.24-25
21 Churchill got upset, bombs,
i. 49.15
22 And so did Neville Cham- 17 kBut forgot to invade Great
j. Frog.38.1-2
berlain, Britain,
k. ExI.48.19
23 bWhich didn't help Poland, 18 Because the German leader,
I. Dav.48.7
24 But convinced the Brits that 19 Whose name was IHitler,
m. Frog.15.10-
maybe being above it all didn't 14 20 And who had never even
work on Germans. n. Frog.17.3-5 lived in France,
25 e And so they asked Winston o. Psay.5A.19 21 mNevertheless got the idea
Churchill to help them remem- p. Yks.104.3-14 that it might be easier to conquer
ber how to do things the hard q. Yks.104.16- Russia first.
way, 29
26 For a while. r. Yks.139.11- CHAPTER 53
12
DThiS brilliant German strat-
s. Yks.l06.1-14
egy worked out pretty
t. Yks.107.1-16
CHAPTER 52 much the way it usually does,
C hurchill did the best he
could, using all the old Brit
u. Yks.107.17-
19 2 °Resulting in millions of cold
soldiers dying in the bloody
methods that had always worked snow,
so well in the past. 3 PWhich gave the Brits a lot of
2 He sent a small army to time to try to convince the
Europe to fight the Germans in Americans that being above it all
France, doesn't work with Germans.
3 Against great odds, 4 qBut Americans are slow
4 dMeaning with the help of the learners,
French, 5 rAnd the Brits never con-
5 "But the Germans won, vinced them of anything,
6 fIn a big way, 6 ·Until the Japanese convinced
7 And the Brits had to rescue them that being above it all
their army from Dunkirk the doesn't work with the Japanese,
hard way, 7 'Which suggested the possi-
8 gWhich is to say, one at a time bility that maybe the Brits were
in small boats. right about the Germans,
9 hBy this time, the Germans 8 U And thus brought America
had remembered that all of into the war.
Europe belonged to them,
10 And had moved in, CHAPTER 54
11 iIn a big way.
12 This left Great Britain to
C hurchill kept on trying to do
everything the hard way,
fight the Battle of Britain all with lots of blood, sweat, and
alone, tears,
97
BRITS The Brits are no longer sure

2 Which is why the Brits had so a. Dav.46.15 4 And made everything okay,
much confidence in their newest b. Psay.5Q.20 5 Except that it didn't.
military hero, c. Yks.llO.I-20
3 An idiot named 8Mont- d.48.8-9 CHAPTER 56
gomery,
4 bWho did everything possible
e. Nips.16.1-3
J. Yks.76.15 U nfortunately, things were
not okay in Great Britain
to make the war bloodier, g.22.12 anymore.
sweatier, and more tearful than it h. Yks.lll.I-8 2 "The Germans had knocked
was already, i. Yks.1l2.8-14 down a lot of their cities,
5 But was consistently frus- j. Yks.1l4.1-14 3 t And the Germans and Japa-
trated by the Americans, k. Yks.1l7.8-13 nese had killed a lot of their
6 Who always wanted to do l. Yks.1l2.2-6 troops,
things their way, m. Nips.22.1-3 4 And it seemed to a lot of Brits
7 cAnd ultimately did. n. Yks.1l7.14- that duty, honor, and tradition
17
8 Having recognized that the
d o. Nips.22.11-
were getting to be pretty expen-
Germans and "Japanese were 15 sive and outdated luxuries,
determined to do everything the p. Nips.24.1-JO 5 uEspecially since they had all
big way, q. Nips.25.11- grown pretty fond of being
9 fThe Americans decided to do 13 above it all,
everything even bigger, r. Yks.1l9.13- 6 Before Hitler came along and
15
10 KWhich had never occurred messed things up,
to the Brits, s. Hill. V.l 7 And now they were no longer
Psom. 60. 1-2
11 hAnd so the Americans built t. Forg.5.6 sure of anything,
a very big force consisting of u.48.6 8 "Except that the hard way had
very big planes, very big ships, v.52.15 become too hard,
and very big armies, w.20.26 9 And the big way was too big
12 And used them to fight a lot x. Yks.120.2-5 for a Wlittle country,
of very big battles, y. Lies.5.17-22 10 xEspecially now that the
13 Like iAnzio and JD-Day and z. 42.20-23 United States and the Soviet Un-
the kBattle of the Bulge and so aa. Exp.l.4-5 ion had started throwing their
forth, bb. lies. 5. 23- weight around in such an ill-bred
14 lAnd do a lot of very big 24 fashion.
damage to German cities and 11 YAnd so the Brits politely
factories, asked Winston Churchill to go
15 m And to Japanese cities and away,
factories, 12 Immediately,
16 nUntil the Germans gave up, 13 Or sooner than that, if possi-
17 0 And the Japanese were dis- ble,
tinctly nervous. 14 And then politely dismantled
the bankrupt remains of their
CHAPTER 55 empire,
PThen the Americans dropped 15 ZStuck the White Man's Bur-
a very very big bomb on den on a shelf,
Japan, 16 aa And stopped trying to be a
2 q And another one a couple of Chosen Nation altogether,
days later, 17 bbSO that they could devote
3 rWhich convinced the Japa- all their time to being above it
nese to give up too, all.
98
The Brits find a new kind of misery BRITS

CHAPTER 57 a. 27.12-14 given up writing lots of great


T he Brit BLords got so above
it all that they completely
b.
c.
Carl. 10.2-10
Wi1.29.2
literature,
3 Because it was too hard to do,
stopped trying to run the coun- d. Adam.41.1-5 4 They still wanted to keep their
try, e. Adam.41.6-7 hand in,
2 bAnd let the commoners do it f Psong.48.1 5 So they tried American cul-
instead, g. Main.16.1-6 ture instead,
3 ·Which left more time for h. 15.37 6 And discovered that irock-
wearing nice clothes and being i. Yks.144.1-20 and-roll was just the thing,
well bred. j. Ed. 70.19-23 7 Because it was so easy to do,
4 The commoners had a lot of k. 41.20-21 8 j And a great way to show the
great new ideas about how the I. 4.15 Yanks all the neat new things
Brits could get even more above m. Psay.5Q.32 they had learned about being
it all. n. &t.53.21 above it all.
5 dFor example, they thought up o. Psay.5A.13
p. Psay.5Q.78 CHAPTER 59
the idea of destroying the Brit
economy by making everybody
stop working and go on the dole
A nd now the Brits have been
above it all for years,
instead, 2 k And they like it,
6 ·Which worked great, 3 Because it's a brand-new kind
7 And gave all the Brit intellec- of misery to be poor and inept
tuals something to do with their and unemployed,
spare time, 4 I And when you're the nation
8 'Now that they didn't have an that invented misery in the first
empire to worry about anymore. place,
9 gInstead, they had a lot of fun 5 mit's pretty wonderful to find
trying to explain why the nation a new type of misery at this late
that had invented capitalism date.
couldn't remember how to make 6 And so, the chances are that
things anymore, the Brits will go on being above
10 Including cars, it all,
11 And airplanes, 7 "Until the world comes to an
12 And refrigerators, end,
13 Or anything else, 8 Because it's the only way to
14 hExcept clothes, of course. go,
9 When you have a terrible cli-
CHAPTER 58 mate,
B ut in spite of all their prob-
lems, the Brits were still in-
10 0 A tired, mongrel race,
11 A ruined economy,
terested in culture, 12 A bloody, bloody past,
2 And even though they had 13 P And no more world to rule.

99
KRAUTS The Krauts are not stupid

THE BOOK OF KRAUTS


OTHERWISE KNOWN AS THE BOOK OF GOTTERDAMMERUNG

CHAPTER! a. Psom. 77.1-2 12 PEven though they ate too


BOn the continent of Europe, b. Psay.5Q.56 many pork dishes,
there was a place called c. Barb.4.1B 13 QInc1uding sauerkraut,
Gennany located to the east of d. Brit.52.l5 14 And therefore got a reputa-
France, e. Exp.l.4-5 tion for being fat stupid Krauts,
2 bUnfortunately for France, f. Brit.49.l5 15 Like they were pigs or some-
3 CAnd the continent of Europe, g. Wil.2l.l-l9 thing,
Ann. lB. 11
4 dAnd the rest of the world. 16 rWhich maybe explains why
h. Barb.2.l-3
5 The fact is, the Gennans have the other Europeans decided that
i. Barb.2.4-7
had some problems over the all the pig fanns and cabbage
j. Barb.2.l0
years, fields east of the Rhine were a
k. Barb.2.ll
6 But wanted to be the ·Chosen I. Barb.2.9
separate country,
Nation anyway, m. Barb.l.2
17 And figured they must be-
7 Which didn't work out, n. Barb.2.l5-l9
long to the Krauts,
8 fIn a big way. o. Barb.4.l3
18 Because nobody else really
9 This is their gstory. p. Lies.9.6
wanted them.
q. Psom.17.9 19 SBut the Krauts were pretty
CHAPTER 2 r. Ext.53.2l happy about it,
F or many many years, there
was no Gennany at all,
s. Ed.63.2
t. Chr.2.2B-30
20 And suddenly got very ex-
cited about being a nation,
2 But just a place where a lot of u. Ann.l7.ll- 21 t And even started calling
different barbarian tribes lived, 13 themselves the Holy Roman
3 hInc1uding the Goths and Visi- v. Gnt.l.13 Empire,
goths and Ostrogoths, w. Gnt.1l.2-l0 22 Which might have been their
4 iAnd the Vandals and Visivan- way of getting warmed up for
dals and Ostrovandals, later on,
5 j And the Angles and Visi- 23 Although everybody else
angles and Ostroangles, thought it was pretty silly,
6 k And the Saxons and Visisax- 24 uSince who would ever be-
ons and Ostrosaxons, lieve that a bunch of fat stupid
7 'Not to mention the Huns. Krauts could ever have an em-
8 mHaving helped all they could pire?
to destroy the Roman Empire,
9 "The barbarians didn't feel CHAPTER 3
like becoming a nation for a long
while,
B ut it wasn't true that the
Krauts were stupid, which
10 0 And spent the first part of other Europeans began to notice
the Middle Ages drinking beer during the "Renaissance,
and having little wars with each 2 wWhen it turned out that Mar-
other. tin Luther was one of the very
11 Back then, nobody got too best ever at the Protestant Refor-
upset with the Gennans, mation game,
100
Several kinds of Krauts KRAUTS

3 • And Johannes Gutenberg in- a. Gnt.12.1-4 9 Or who wanted to be called


vented movable type, b. Gnt.8.1-14 Prussians,
4 bAnd Krauts like Kepler c. Gnt.15.5-9 10 Even though they were def-
helped invent science. d. Gnt.16.1-3 initely Krauts,
5 In fact, the Krauts played & 16.11-12 11 And not much liked,
e. Exp.1.19-25
practically all the Renaissance & 1.12
12 'For a lot of excellent rea-
sports, f. Barb.1.2 sons.
6 Very well, g. Psong.57.3 13 There were also some
7 Except for Ccomedy, h. Vin.49.5 free-lance Krauts called
8 Which they never quite under- i. Frog.22.6-11 Germans,
stood, j. Psong.44.1-2 14 Who were in no particular
9 And probably explains why k. Vin.49.5 hurry to start being a modem
the Krauts didn't go out explor- I. Brit.1.5 nation,
ing and trying to make dhistory m.1.12 15 Since there was all that beer
after the Renaissance, n. Kens.27.14 to drink,
10 Like "everybody else, 0.5.18 16 m And all those pork dishes to
11 But started arguing a lot with p. Name.4.8 eat,
each other about a bunch of very q. Grk.23.12-13 17 And plenty of time to cause
important Kraut questions, r. 5.5-6 trouble later.
12 Like who should be in
charge of everything,
13 Which they couldn't quite CHAPTERS
agree about,
14 rAnd so they decided not to
I t turned out that most of the
Krauts were pretty good at
be a nation at all, culture,
15 But a bunch of quarrelsome 2 Except for the Prussian
Krauts instead. Krauts,
3 Who spent most of their time
fighting duels and comparing
CHAPTER 4 their facial scars,
B y this time, there were sev-
eral kinds of Krauts.
4 nWhich they had a lot of,
5 Because if you have a lot of
2 There were Krauts called Aus- scars allover your face,
trians who lived so close to gItaly 6 You can't possibly be mis-
that they thought they were civi- taken for a pig,
lized, 7 °Since pigs almost never fight
3 hAnd therefore too good to be with swords.
called Krauts. 8 PThis convinced the Prussians
4 There were Krauts called that they were better than the
Swiss who lived in the iAlps, other Krauts,
5 Where they made a lot of 9 And so they decided to be a
cuckoo clocks and imoney, separate nation,
6 k And were therefore too good 10 q And fight as many wars as
to be called Krauts, possible,
7 Especially since a lot of them 11 rTo make sure that they
spoke French. could always have plenty of
8 There were Krauts called scars,
Prussians, 12 Which they always did,
101
KRAUTS The German language sounds beautiful

13 Not to mention fancy uni- a. Psay.5A.20 9 kOr Italian, which sounded


fotms and boots, b. 6.14 like some reeling drunk trying to
14 Which the Prussians in- c. 12.1 sing, gargle, and spit up all at
vented, d. 9.1 the same time,
15 8Because you almost never e. 17.1 10 lOr Spanish, which sounded
see pigs wearing fancy unifotms f. Brit.31.12 like somebody with a lisp and no
and boots. g. Ned.6.24 teeth trying to talk with hot pep-
16 The other Krauts didn't quite h. Psong.8.3 pers in their mouth,
see it that way, though, i. Paul.4.l0 11 mOr English, which sounded
17 Since if pigs don't wear j. Frog.1.2 like some half-witted fop trying
fancy unifotms and boots, k. Psong.57.1 to talk Getman without coughing
18 Then how come all the Prus- I. Spic.6.3 up the phlegm.
sians did? m. Brit.35.6-7 12 Anyway,
19 And so they decided to con- n. 6.2 13 nThanks to their beautiful
centrate on other things instead, o. Dav.15.9 language,
20 Things that didn't have any- p. Yks.1l6.I6 14 The Krauts would go on to
thing to do with trying to prove q. Brit.30.I4 produce a lot of great writers,
to the world that you're not a r. Brit.33.10 15 Including Goethe,
. s. Dav.15.9
pIg, 16 And a bunch of others too,
21 bLike literature, t. Chr.3.B-13 17 Who would all be great,
22 CAnd music, u. Paul.4.9 18 Though not as great as
23 dAnd philosophy, v. Ed.2B.6 Goethe.
24 eAnd architecture, w. Brit.49.5
25 Because they were genume . 1 x. Pnot.IB.I-5
y CHAPTER 7
interested in concepts like truth
and beauty and knowledge and
I t was °Goethe who made up
the story of a man named
indestructible buildings, Faust,
26 And besides, when was the 2 Unless it was somebody else,
last time you saw a pig write a 3 PWhich it wasn't,
symphony? 4 qBecause Goethe was the
greatest writer who ever lived,
CHAPTER 6 5 rEven greater than Shake-
T he Krauts had a big advan-
tage when it came to litera-
speare,
6 As any Kraut will tell you.
ture, 7 SFaust was the Kraut who sold
2 Because they had the great his tsoul to the devil in exchange
'Getman language to work with, for almost uunlimited knowledge
3 Which they had invented, and power on earth,
4 And which sounded beautiful, S For about a year,
5 gLike someone trying to 9 Until the v devil came to col-
cough up some phlegm in their lect the soul he had been prom-
throat or something, ised,
6 hUnlike the awful-sounding 10 wWhich Faust thought was
languages other Europeans bad, unfair,
7 Such as French, 11 xFor some reason.
8 IWhich sounded like some- 12 This was such a great story
body had both their nostrils that lots of other writers allover
stuffed with Jfrogs or something, the world copied it,
102
Lots of Kraut geniuses KRAUTS

13 Including a Brit named a. Pnot.4l.l-5 7 IWho wrote a lot of great phi-


8Marlowe, b. Krt.39.l4 losophy about how if you were
14 And a bunch of others too. c.6.5 really superior, you could do
15 But Goethe was the only one d. Main.22.10 whatever you wanted,
who got it right, e. Exp.l.4-5 8 Which is called being a Jsu-
16 Because only a Kraut could f. Gnt.4.20 perman,
really understand what it was g. Ed.63.3 9 But didn't have anything to do
like to want power so much that h. Ed.63.3 with all the unpleasantness the
you kind of forgot about what it i. WiQ2.l-1O Krauts got mixed up in later,
would cost, Exp.l. 7-9 10 For some reason,
17 Namely everything, j. Dav.15.9 11 Which any Kraut could ex-
18 bWhich is called being an ~. ~:~:'.:~5 plain to you,
overreacher, 12 Somehow.
19 And proves just how great m. 11. 7 13 Anyway,
Goethe must have been to think n. Psong.20.l-
10 14 After he had written all this
up such an insane type of char- great stuff, Nietzsche went com-
acter, pletely insane,
20 With nothing to go on but his 15 Unless it was the other way
imagination. around,
16 Which it wasn't,
CHAPl'ER8 17 Or why would anyone ever
B ut fiction wasn't the only
thing Goethe thought up.
have taken him seriously?

2 He also wrote a lot of great CHAPl'ERIO


poetry,
3 eWhich sounds beautiful when
L ater on, there was even a
Kraut philosopher who was
you read it out loud, a Jew,
4 If you're a Kraut, 2 kWhich probably explains
5 d And he made up a lot of why some of his ideas were a
science and philosophy too, little strange,
6 Which is all brilliant, 3 Because he thought that Man-
7 And helps explain why the kind was dominated by a bunch
Krauts eventually got the idea of dark, dangerous drives,
that they were a 'Chosen Nation. 4 Which were all so deeply bur-
ied that it would be almost a
CHAPTER 9 Imiracle to even see them,
I t was Goethe's brilliance that
convinced the Krauts they
5 Let alone control them,
6 mWhich explains why Man-
were pretty great at fphilosophy, kind acts like such a pig about
2 Which started a Kraut intel- sex,
lectual tradition that would pro- 7 Andpower,
duce scores of geniuses in just a 8 And territory,
few hundred years, 9 nAnd a bunch of other stuff
3 Including IHegelundKant, too,
4 Who was incredibly impor- 10 Which is all so unflattering
tant, to Mankind that it's hard to think
5 For some reason, where he could get such ideas,
6 And hNietzsche, 11 Except maybe a synagogue
103
KRAUTS The Krauts are not prejudiced

or some 8heathen pit like that, a. Chr.2.5-B kind of conspiracy to keep rich
12 Which is why they don't b. Carl.3.6 Aryans in charge.
really deserve to be called phil- c. 1B.3 18 Besides, he wrote most of his
osophy, d. 10.1-2 stuff in England anyway,
13 But should maybe get some e.7.6 19 And gthey didn't like him ei-
other name, f Dav.29.6 ther,
14 And leave philosophy to g. Yks.59.10-12 20 So now who's prejudiced?
people who are equipped for it, h. Ann.1B.5
.Ed. 71.24
15 Like Aryans maybe. CHAPTER 12
i. 80ul.21.9
j. Dav.32.23 I n addition to philosophy, the
Krauts were also exception-
CHAPTER 11 ally talented at music,
T here is another Kraut philos-
opher the Krauts don't like
2 And produced thousands of
masterpieces over hundreds of
to talk about, years.
2 Who came along pretty late in 3 For example, there was a
the day, Kraut composer named hBach,
3 bAnd somehow got the idea 4 Who was so great that nobody
that the masses would rise up has ever blamed him for being a
against the "ruling classes some- Kraut,
day, 5 Which is extremely great,
4 Because the ruling classes 6 And proves that the Krauts
don't care about anyone but aren't as bad as everybody
themselves, makes them out to be,
5 And want to own everything, 7 Unless it doesn't.
6 All by themselves,
7 Just like they were pigs or CHAPTER 13
something,
8 Which explains why the
T here was another great
Kraut composer named
masses will get sick of it, iMozart,
9 And take over, 2 Who was so great that even
10 Someday, the Krauts never felt they had to
11 Which just goes to show prove it,
you, 3 Even though none of them re-
12 dIt isn't just Jews who get ally noticed it at the time,
funny ideas about things, 4 Since Mozart died penniless,
13 As any Kraut would admit, 5 And was buried in a pauper's
14 In spite of all the propaganda grave,
about how the Krauts are preju- 6 Probably because he never
diced or something, once wrote a symphony about
15 ·Which they really aren't, pigs.·
16 Even if it might be surprising
what you'd find if you checked CHAPTER 14
the family tree of certain kinds
of philosophers,
T here was also a Kraut com-
poser named JHaydn,
17 Like the rones who wear 2 Who was good enough to hold
long, orthodox-looking beards Mozart's coat,
and think everything's some 3 Which is pretty darn good,
104
The Krauts are not obsessed with war KRAUTS

4 And probably proves some- a. Dav.lO.lO they put up when the jindustrial
thing or other, b. 16.7 revolution came along,
5 Unless it doesn't. c. Psp.3.5 4 kWhich were all so big and
&3.7 well made that you'd have
Psay.5Y.6
CHAPTER 15 Krt. 36. 8 thought they were expecting
L ater on, there was still an- d. Dav.42.7
other great Kraut composer e. Ed.63.3
someone to drop a lot of bombs
on them or something,
named "Beethoven, j Yks.1l6.16 5 Which they weren't, of
2 Who was also great, g. 30.3-4 course,
3 Though deaf, h. Brit.29.12 6 'Because it's just not true that
4 Which may explain why no- i. lra.21.37-38 the Krauts were obsessed with
body in history has ever written j. Adam. 5. 1-8 war and destruction and things
music any louder than Bee- k. Yks.125.34 like that,
thoven's, 1.5.25 7 mWith the possible exception
5 bExcept Wagner, of course, m. &t.39.18-19 of a few maladjusted individ-
6 But doesn't begin to explain n. 4.8-12 uals,
why he thought that symphonies o. Ann.18.17 8 Who weren't at all like the
with <even numbers don't quite p. Grk.23.12-13 rest of the Krauts,
count. q.5.15 9 And never had been,
10 Because while the rest of the
Krauts were producing all that
CHAPTER 16
I n fact, there were lots and lots
of great Kraut composers,
great culture,
11 Over hundreds of years,
12 A few were otherwise en-
2 Including dSchubert,
gaged.
3 Who was so great that he
didn't even have to finish his
symphonies,
CHAPTER 18
4 And a whole bunch of
Strausses,
5 Who thought the Danube was
F or example, some of the few
maladjusted individuals
were the "Prussians,
blue,
2 Who had a ruling class called
6 And other things.
the Junkers,
7 There was also eWagner,
3 Meaning scar-faced, bald-
8 Which just goes to show you,
headed psychopaths who think
9 fpigs may not write sympho-
that everything everybody else
nies, but they're the only ones
does is junk,
who can sing certain kinds of
4 0 And should be destroyed
goperas.
with a lot of blood and iron.
5 While the rest of the Krauts
CHAPTER 17 were messing around with cul-
T he Krauts were also pretty
excellent at architecture,
ture and other junk like that,
6 The Prussians started practic-
2 hAnd built a lot of tremendous ing up on all the things they'd
cathedrals and castles and cities need to rule the world someday,
and so forth, 7 Like P war,
3 iNot to mention all the great 8 q And clicking their heels to-
steel-and-concrete buildings gether a lot,
105
KRAUTS The Austrians pull on their lower lip

9 a And learning how to give anda. Brit.19.40 pear but suddenly became one of
take orders, b.4.2 Prussia's closest allies,
10 And a bunch of other impor- c. Dav.14.25 6 IAnd also including all the
tant things too, d.20.2 Krauts who had been too busy
11 Like making life miserable e. Dav.21.19-23 eating pork and beer to get orga-
for the b Austrians, f Ed.63.3 nized as a nation,
12 Who were so weak and fool- g.18.6 7 And all the Krauts who had
ish that they almost made the h. Ned.42.7 always been too preoccupied
Prussians embarrassed to be i. 4.13-17 with culture to care about the
Krauts, j. Chr.2.30-3J destiny of the Fatherland,
13 But not quite. k. Psay.5Y.44 8 JNot to mention certain parts
l. Frog. 20. 3-5 , of France,
CHAPTER 19 m. Exp.1.4-5 9 kWhich Bismarck added to the
W ay back when, there was a
Prussian king named
n.
o.
17.1-4
15.1-5
p. 16.7-9
Fatherland by winning the
Franco-Prussian War,
<Frederick the Great, 10 Which was especially humil-
2 Who made a specialty out of q.39.14 iating to the Frogs,
r. Ann.18.11
worrying the Austrians, 11 IWho had somehow gotten
s. Adam.42.8-9
3 And got so great at it that the the idea that no one would
ruling family of Austria became bother them now that they had
permanently worried, another emperor named Napo-
4 And kept pulling on their leon,
lower lip, 12 Which turned out not to be
5 From one generation to the true,
next, 13 And proved that the Krauts
6' Which made them look pretty were now a large, powerful, uni-
silly, fied nation,
7 From one generation to the 14 In fact, a mChosen Nation,
next. 15 Called Germany.

CHAPTER 20 CHAPTER 22
L ater on, the Prussians also
helped defeat Napoleon,
T he more they thought about
it, the more the Krauts real-
2 Showing up late at Waterloo, ized that they'd been Chosen all
3 d And doing something or along,
other on a sunken road, 2 Because look at how good
4 Which completely ruined the they were at everything.,
day for the eFrench emperor. 3 Compared to everyone else,
4 RThe Krauts had bigger build-
CHAPTER 21 ings,
A nd then there was fBis-
marck,
5 0 And louder symphonies,
6 PAnd longer operas,
2 gWho decided that the Prus- 7 qAnd bigger words,
sians had had enough practice, 8 rAnd taller soldiers,
3 And should start taking every- 9 •And more munitions facto-
thing over as soon as possible, ries,
4 Including Austria, 10 And so forth,
5 hWhich didn't actually disap- 11 ADd so on,
106
Trench warfare not the Krauts' fault KRAUTS

12 a And especially munitions a. Adam.42.10- were supposed to make the first


factories. IS move,
13 bAll of this obvious Kraut b. Zig.l0.9 6 lAnd launched a silly attack
superiority convinced the new c. Dav.14.2S on Germany that caused a lot
Kraut emperor, d. Brit.48.8-9
of embarrassing scrambling
14 Whose name was tKaiser e. Dav.46.1S around,
Wilhelm, f. 21.S 7 jBefore things settled down
g. Psay.SY.6
15 That it was time to start a big into trench warfare,
h. Gnt.13.4-6
world war,. 8 Which the Krauts got blamed
i. Frog.33.1-4
16 dThe bigger the better, for,
j. Frog. 33. 6-8
17 And settle everything once 9 But wasn't their fault,
k. Frog.34.1
and for all. 10 kEspecially the part about
I. AI.4. 7-11
m.23.2
poison gas,
11 IBecause how else can you
CHAPTER 23 n. Swar.23.1-3

T he K~iser waited for an ap-


propnate reason to start a
o. Ann. 10. 1
eft 10.1
eft 10.1
kill a Frog that's too chicken to
get out of his trench and fight
like a man?
war, of course, eft 10.1
2 Because it wouldn't do to start p. Brit.7.8
CHAPTER 25
a world war for no reason at all, q. Brit.49.1
mMeanwhile, because the
3 And so he waited patiently, r. Psong.S7.1
Russians hadn't pre-
4 Until a Serbo-Croatian maniac s. Swar.24.1
vented the assassination of the
assassinated the earchduke Fer- t. Drex.4.S
archduke,
dinand,
2 They had to be punished too,
5 Of Austria,
3 nWhich meant the Krauts had
6 fWhich had always been one
to go to war against millions of
of Germany's dearest friends,
unarmed Russian peasants in the
7 g And meant that Germany had
snow,
no choice but to invade France,
4 0 And use up lots of good mu-
8 And then conquer the world.
nitions that might have changed
the Pbalance of power on the
CHAPTER 24 western front,
W ith the help of their close
friends the Austrians,
5 Where the Krauts were now
fighting against the qBrits and
Germany came very close to rltalians as well as the French.
winning World War I, 6 "Besides, the Great War had
2 Or the Great War, as it was gotten so big that the munitions
called then, manufacturers in Germany were
3 In the days' before anyone also having to supply arms to
knew that you had to number other Kraut armies and allies in
them. other parts of the world,
4 hUnfortunately, the Krauts' 7 Frequently at a tdiscount,
brilliant strategy of sweeping 8 Which was completely unex-
through Belgium into the north pected,
of France got spoiled by typical 9 And hurt profits so much that
French stupidity, Germany began to experience
5 Since the French had been too some serious economic hard-
dumb to realize that the Krauts ships,
107
KRAUTS The Allies lie to the Krauts

10 Which helps explain why the a. Brit.48.21 6 Which weren't fair,


war didn't go quite as well as b. Swar.30.4-lO 7 And gave Germany every
expected, c. Forg.5.4-6 right to regard the kTreaty of
11 aNot to mention a little battle d. Ykf. 76.8-9 Versailles as an illegal docu-
called Verdun, e. ~.76.3 ment,
12 Which practically emptied f Ykf.76.10-17 8 After they'd thought about it
Germany of wood, g. Ykf.78.1 for a few years,
13 bBecause all the trees had to h. Ext.52.16 9 lAnd besides, it wasn't the
be cut down to put up "little i. Ykf.78.4-5 Krauts who had shot the arch-
crosses on the graves of Kraut j. Ykf.B2.5-18 duke in the first place,
soldiers. k. Frog. 34. 7 10 mso why was everything au-
I. Frog.33.1 tomatically Germany's fault?
CHAPTER 26 m. Brit.49.12-'

A nd then the Brits and Frogs


committed the worst atroc-
13
n. Barb.6.3
o. Ykf. 78. 7-10
CHAPTER 28
DIn spite of all the treachery of
ity of the war, p. Grk.20.8
the Allies, Germany tried
2 By inviting in a bunch of q. Psay.5D.15 hard to live with the terms of the
American troops, r. 27.1-4 Treaty of Versailles,
3 dWho should never have been s. Kens. 16. 10 2 0 And to try the silly new fad in
involved in the first place, t. Frog.36.1-2 government that the American
4 eEspecially after the fair warn- II. Vin.6.3-15
president was so fired up about,
ing they got with the Lusitania 3 Which was called democracy,
thing, 4 PMeaning rule by a bunch of
5 rBut who came barging in undisciplined cannon fodder and
anyway, one senile old blimp,
6 I And spoiled everything, 5 Named qHindenburg,
7 Just when Germany had the 6 Who refused to stand up to the
whole thing about wrapped up, Allies or anybody else.
8 Even if the average age of the
Kraut army was about fourteen, CHAPTER 29
9 Which didn't mean anything, rWhat with not having re-
10 hExcept that Kraut soldiers ally lost the war except
are so eager to fight for the Fa- through allied trickery,
therland that they just can't wait 2 sAnd having to pay a lot of
till they're eighteen. outrageous reparations,
3 And having to put up with an
CHAPTER 27 incompetent democratic govern-
A 11 of this still wouldn't have ment,
ftmattered, except for the fact 4 t And a major depression too,
that the Allies lied to the Krauts, 5 No reasonable person could
2 And said they wanted an armi- blame the Krauts for what hap-
stice, pened next,
3 Not a surrender, 6 Which wasn't their fault any-
4 'Which Germany would never way,
have signed, 7 UBut was one of those acci-
5 JEspecially if anyone had told dents of history,
the truth about all those repara- 8 Which happen all the time,
tions, 9 Except maybe this time it was
108
An accident named Hitler KRAUTS

just a tiny little bit worse, a. Dav.48.7 Jews and things like that,
10 Because the accident was a b. Zig.9.2 3 nOr maybe they should have
man named aAdolfHitler. &: 6.4 rebelled after Krystallnacht,
c.16.7-9 when all the °synagogues got
CHAPTER 30 d. 6.3-4 burned down,
bAnd no matter what anyone e. Psp.3.7 4 POr maybe there should have
says, it's just not true that f. Dav.17.15 been a coup d'etat when Hitler
g.19.1
Hitler was in any way represent- started grabbing up all those lit-
h.21.1
ative of Kraut history and cul- tle countries in eastern Europe,
i. 9.6-7
ture, 5 qOr maybe there should have
j. 11.13-15
2 "Even if he did love Wagner's been a popular uprising when all
k. 5.14-15
operas, the non-Aryans started getting
I. Ned.36.18-19
3 Which were all about dGOtter- m. Mall.13.8
sent to concentration camps,
Wimmerung, n. Yks.133.5
6 But the thing is, things happen
4 "Meaning glorious death in o. 10.11
a little bit at a time,
the fultimate battle, p. Yks.135.13
7 rAnd you don't always notice
5 Because nobody but Hitler q. AI.4.16 the things that are important
ever took Gotterdammerung lit- r. Wil.14.1-5 right away,
erally, s. Yks.101.12- 8 And besides, the western Eu-
6 BEven if Hitler was a big ad- 13 ropeans and the Americans have
mirer of Frederick the Great, I. Chr.6.10 always had pretty convenient
7 bAnd Bismarck's blood and 8oul. 18. 19 memories,
iron, u. Bril.5J.1-8 9 ·Since none of them objected
8 iAnd Nietzsche's ideas about v. Bril.51.11-16 that strongly to the business with
man and superman, the Jews till much much later,
9 JAnd even if there had been a 10 And it was never exactly a
few anti-Semites in Germany at secret,
odd moments in the past, 11 Except from the German
10 kAnd even if Hitler did have people, of course,
a special fondness for boots and 12 And if you want to be com-
fancy uniforms, something like pletely honest,
the Prussians always had, 13 IJust who is it that's so fond
11 lit doesn't mean anything, of the Jews anyway?
12 Any of it, 14 Besides, what did the Allies
13 Because Hitler was crazy, do when they saw that Hitler was
14 And how could anyone have rearming Germany,
known that way back when he 15 uOr when he annexed Aus-
flfSt got elected chancellot? tria,
16 Y And Czechoslovakia?
CHAPTER 31 17 Mostly, their response to all
O f course, it's easy for peo-
ple to point fingers after the I
these things was to hope that
Hitler would just go away even-
fact and say the Krauts should tually,
have read Hitler's book and seen 18 Which is exactly what the
what he had in mind, German people were hoping the
2 mOr that they should have whole time too,
voted him out when the Nazi 19 Except maybe for a little
brownshirts started beating up while at the beginning,
109
KRAUTS Things stop going so well

20 aWhen all the trains were a. Spic.1S.3 bombers started taking Kraut cit-
running on time, b. Grk.23.12-13 ies apart,
21 bAnd the war was going so c. Swar.28.1-9 5 rDay and night,
well, d. Wil.34.1-S 6 SAnd then there was D-Day,
22 And is that really so awful? e. Yks.12S.7 7 'When it turned out that a na-
j Main.27.16 tion of two hundred million peo-
CHAPTER 32 g. Wil.23.4-7 ple could produce more weapons
<And so wh~t if a lot of peo- h. Brd.21.6 and ships and soldiers than a
ple joined the Nazi party? i. Rat.lO.l-S nation of eighty million people,
2 dThere was-the Gestapo, after j. Brit.Sl.23 S U And the long, slow retreat
all, k. Yks.lOS.4 began,
3 And everybody knew that it I. Frog.37.S-8 9 With bodies coming home to
wasn't just Jews who went to m. Brit.S2.16 Germany from the eastern front
econcentration camps, n. Yks.l09.4-6 in Russia,
4 rAnd Goebbels made sure no- o. Gnt.1S.14 10 And the western front in
p. Russ.19.9-16 France,
body ever knew the truth about
q. Brit.S4.2-3
anything anyway, 11 And the southern front in
5 gBecause nobody really knew r. Yks.112.2-4 Italy,
s. Yks.114.4-12
what was happening, 12 vWhere the worthless, cow-
t. Yks.111.1-S
6 Except a handful of Nazis, of ardly Wops had caved in like a
u. Psom.6S.1-4
course, bunch of sniveling Jews,
7 And besides, Germany was at v. Psong.S7.1 13 Which is only a figure of
w. Oth.8.18
war, x. Yks.112.6-7
speech, of course,
8 hAnd you have to support your 14 And shouldn't be taken the
y. Ned.36.17
leader in wartime, wrong way,
z. Barb.3.1-3
9 iUnless you don't really love aa.34.3
15 But will be, of course,
your country, bb. Yks.13S.21
16 WBecause no one can give
10 But hate it instead, cc. Ned.29.24 Germany a break,
11 JWhich is hard to do when 17 Ever.
the brave soldiers of your coun-
try have just kicked the hell out CHAPTER 34
of Poland, nd the Allies turned Dres-
12 kAnd Norway, A
den into a firestorm,
13 lAnd France, 2 xWhich was an atrocity,
14 mAnd are in the process of 3 YEven if nobody remembers
demolishing the Brits, it,
15 nAnd the Russians, 4 And the Russians came
16 And everybody else too. marching back through the
Ukraine into eastern Germany,
CHAPTER 33 5 "Raping and looting and
B ut then the 0 Americans en-
tered the war, and things
slaughtering thousands of inno-
cent civilians,
stopped going quite so well. 6 Which was an atrocity,
2 PThe Russians got stubborn 7 aaEven if nobody remembers
about Stalingrad, it,
3 q And the Brits got lucky in S bb And the German High Com-
North Africa, mand tried to assassinate Hitler,
4 And the British and American 9 Which was brave and noblecc ,
110
The Krauts are civilized people KRAUTS

10 aEven if it failed and nobody a. 34.3 10 m And to the scorn of the


remembers it, b. Russ. 7.15-16 world,
11 bAnd Hitler went completely c. Ned. 29. 24 11 nAnd to the law that said they
insane and conspired to destroy d.34.3 could never make war again,
Germany forever, which would e. Brit.1.B 12 °Not even to defend them-
have happened if good Germans j Yks.1l7.9-11 selves from outside aggression,
hadn't stopped it, g. Ned. 29. 24 13 Ever.
12 ·Which was also brave and h. Ann.2.17 14 They submitted tamely be-
noble, i.34.3 cause they are Pcivilized people,
13 dEven if nobody remembers j. Grk.20.B 15 qAnd not the monsters
it, k. Carl.3.6 they've been made out to be.
Grk.20.B
14 e And the outgunned, out-
I. Yks.126.10-
manned remnants of the great 14
German army almost stopped the m. Oth.B.15-17 CHAPTER 36
Allies in the fBattle of the Bulge, n. Grk.25.7
15 RWhich was heroic and al- o. Barb.6.3 Which is all well and good,
most incredible, p. Mes.1.3-9 2 Except for one thing,
16 Even if nobody remembers q. Ext.16.26 3 Which is a thing the Krauts
it, r. Ed. 61. 17 can never quite seem to remem-
17 hAnd finally Hitler commit- s. Kens. 7.7-B ber,
ted suicide in his bunker, along t. Ann. 6. 17-23 4 No matter how many times it
with Goebbels and some of the u. Vin.71.12-27 is brought to their attention,
other criminals, 5 Which is that all the good civ-
18 Which was a big relief to ilized Krauts just stood by and
every patriotic German, watched when Hitler decided
19 iEven if nobody will ever ac- that it would be a good thing to
knowledge it. kill all the Jews,
6 Which he almost did,
CHAPTER 35 7 Killing six million of them.
A nd then the German people
submitted tamely to the
8 Six million.

terms of peace,
2 Including the Allies' desire to CHAPTER 37
rip Germany apart,
3 And tum it into two weak and
A nd in spite of what all the
r good Krauts say,
powerless nations, 2 Hitler didn't do it alone,
4 One democratic, 3 Because he had help,
5 JMeaning rule by American 4 "From the SS, who rounded
puppets, them all up and put them in con-
6 And one communist, centration camps behind barbed
7 kMeaning rule by Soviet Rus- wire and gave them nothing to
sian puppets, eat,
8 With about a thousand miles 5 lAnd from German corpora-
of barbed wire between the two. tions, who submitted bids for the
9 I And the German people sub- building of gas chambers and
mitted tamely to the kangaroo crematoria,
courts that executed all their 6 U And from the people of Ger-
high officials at Nuremberg, many, who watched it all hap-
111
YANKS The sweetest words ever uttered

pen and did nothing whatever to a. Psom.27.1-3 someone forgot that a Kraut is a
stop it, h. 38.7 Kraut is a Kraut,
7 At all. c. 9.7 3 And trusted them to act like a
civilized nation,
CHAPTER 38 4 Foronce,
A nd that's why Gennany can
never be a Chosen Nation,
5 And not like a bunch of arro-
gant, bloodthirsty, genocidal
2 Ever, pigs,
3 Because there is no reason for 6 cWho still think they're enti-
what they did, tled to rule the world,
4 And no explanation, 7 Even if they have to kill ev-
5 And no justification, eryone else in the world to do it,
6 At all. 8 And even if they have to kill
7 8Which is another way of say- themselves to do it,
'ing that a barbarian nation is a 19 Because deep inside the heart
barbarian nation is a barbarian of every Kraut,
nation, 10 There's a member of the
8 Forever, master race,
9 And that's all there is to it. 11 Just waiting,
12 0 so patiently,
CHAPTER 39 13 To hear the two sweetest
A nd when the end of the
world comes at last,
words ever uttered in any lan-
guage:
2 bIt will probably be because 14 Achtung! GOtterdammerung!

THE BOOK OF
DAMN YANKEES
OTHERWISE KNOWN AS THE BOOK OF MANIFEST DESTINY

CHAPTER! a. Exp.9.1-4 supplied by the Dutch,


A cross the Atlantic Ocean
from Europe, there was a h.
Psay.5Y.1
Exp.1.
c.5.5
7-9
5 And thus became the largest
dEnglish-speaking nation on
place called North America, earth,
2 8Which was discovered by an d. Dav.58.9 6 "Namely, the United States of
Italian explorer in the employ of e. Exp.9.5-8 America.
the queen of Spain, f 10.19 7 The inhabitants of the United
3 bColonized extensively by the States decided to call themselves
Spanish and the French, Yankees,
4 cDeveloped into a rich nation 8 'For some reason,
by the labor of African slaves 9 And eventually noticing that

112
The Puritans never laugh at executions YANKS

the rest of the world was there, a. Grk.J3.20 11 kExcept for public execution
10 Decided to Brule it. b. /ra.24.27-31 of heretics,
11 This is their b story. c. Spic.1O.1 12 'Which is fun,
d. Brit.24.5-B 13 But doesn't count,
e. Psay.5Y.31 14 Because Puritans never
CHAPTER 2 f. Brit. 15.5-12 laugh at executions,
he Spaniards arrived in g. BritA. 15
T 15 No matter how much fun
North America first, h. Brit.1.2 they're having.
2 <And settled in Florida, i. Chr.2.5-B
3 Which had a nice warm cli- j. Lies.9.13 CHAPTER 4
mate, k. Ext.48.35 mThanks to all the fun the
4 And not much else. t. 1ra.34.1-4 Brits were having with var-
5 Several years later, m. Brit. 12. 1-3 ious forms of religious persecu-
6 dEnglish settlers landed in n. Ira. 21. 14 tion,
Virginia and started a colony o. Psay. 5). 5
2 Quite a number of new colo-
called "Jamestown, p.3A
nies got started in North Amer-
7 Which had everything it q. 2.1-2
ica over the next few decades,
needed to establish a solid En- r. Psay.5C.5
3 Including colonies of perse-
glish presence in North America, s. Exp.15.B
cuted nQuakers in Pennsylvania
8 Except money, provisions, t. Exp.14.15
and New Jersey,
military support, and adequate u. Oth. 7.1-10
4 ·Colonies of persecuted Cath-
numbers of settlers.
olics in Maryland,
5 P And a lot more Puritans,
CHAPTER 3 6 Who came over to New En-
A few years later, fPuritans
called pilgrims started ar-
gland in droves,
7 On a ferry service called the
riving along the northeast coast Mayflower.
of the North American conti-
nent, CHAPTERS
2 Having been requested to
leave England,
M eanwhile, the Spanish had
established colonies in
3 Which already had enough California and Texas,
Puritans of its own, 2 qIn addition to rFlorida,
4 In fact, more than enough. 3 •And the French had claimed
5 RThe Puritans were exception- most of the upper and middle
ally fond of misery, part of North America,
6 Which is why they settled in 4 And the southern portions of
New England, North America were filling up
7 hWhere the weather was al- with settlers from England and
most as bad as it was back home, Ireland,
8 And where there were plenty 5 tplus a lot of slaves shipped
of naked iheathen Indians to of- over in chains from Africa,
fend their morals, 6 uSo that they could help build
9 Which weren't hard to offend enormous cotton and tobacco
anyway, plantations for their new mas-
10 JSince anything that might ters,
remotely be considered fun is 7 Who had come to America to
immoral to a Puritan, be free.
113
YANKS The colonists get cranky

CHAPTER 6 a, Jejs.7.15-17 2 gWhich was called the Ameri-


hings went along like this b.4.3 can Way,
T
for quite a while, with noth- c.4.3 3 And meant that they no longer
ing much important happening d.4.4 wanted to do things the Brit way,
anywhere but where the settlers e. Brit.23.6 4 hWhich is usually the hard
were mostly exiles and refugees f. 87.1-2 way.
from Great Britain, g.21.6 5 The more they thought about
- 2 Until there were thirteen h. Brit. 1.9 it, the more taxes seemed like an
English-speaking colonies that i. Brit. 23.8-9 unnecessarily hard way of han-
thought they had "identities of j. Brit.22.12 dling the Brit economic crunch,
their own, namely, k. Ann.2.17 6 Hard on the colonists, that is,
3 In no particular order, I. Psom.62.1-6 7 Who didn't much care about
4 New York, fighting the French anyway,
5 Virginia, 8 IHaving already tried it in the
6 bNew Jersey, French and Indian War,
7 Delaware, 9 Some years back.
8 Massachusetts, 10 But the Brits were stubborn
9 Connecticut, and tried out the tax plan any-
10 Rhode Island, way,
11 New Hampshire, 11 Putting a tax on tea,
12 'Pennsylvania, 12 Which wasn't smart,
13 North Carolina, 13 Since the colonists were still
14 South Carolina, pretty much Brits and hadn't yet
15 Georgia, discovered that coffee is about a
16 dAnd Maryland, thousand percent better than tea
17 Unless some of these are anyway,
wrong. 14 JAnd therefore thought that
18 The Brits who owned these they still needed tea,
colonies were pleased at how 15 Tax-free,
well they were doing, 16 Or how would they ever get
19 And got the idea that maybe up in the morning?
they could help out a little bit 17 kSO the colonists threw all
with all the expenses Great Brit- the Brit tea into Boston Harbor,
ain was incurring at the time, 18 And then sat down for a
20 ·What with Britain being in- while to think up what to do
volved in a bunch of major wars next.
against the French and all,
21 Which suggested the idea of
taxes, CHAPTERS
22 And upset the colonists quite
a lot. W ithout their morning tea,
the colonists got pretty
Icranky,
2 And decided the thing to do
CHAPTER 7 was tell the Brits they weren't
rThe thing was, the colonists ever going to pay the tea tax,
had already gotten used to 3 Because,.
doing things the way they. 4 Well,
wanted to, 5 Because that's the way it was.
114
The colonists discover principles YANKS

6 aExcept they all knew enough a. 8r;I.9.5-8 put together a Dcontinental con-
about the Brit sense of fair play b. 8r;I.22.12 gress,
to recognize that you could only c. Wil.14.1-5 8 And passed a tax to pay for
take an extreme position without d. 8r;I.19.41 the army,
giving any reasons if you were a e. 7.2 9 And then picked a °general to
Brit, j Ned.29.19-20 lead the army,
7 Which they were kind of say- g. Ed.28.6 10 Who was named PGeorge
ing they weren't, h. Psom.51.1-6 Washington.
8 bSince Brits pay their taxes. ;. Psay.5Q.38
9 This presented the colonists j. Ann.4.6
with a dilemma, k. Psom.54.1- CHAPTER 10
10 Which was resolved by their
discovery that they were actu-
11
I. Psay.5Y.3
m. 8r;1.24.17
G eorge Washington had a lot
of army experience,
ally objecting to the tea tax on n. 12.2
2 qHaving been in the Brit army
principle, o. Forg.8.11-15
during the French and Indian
11 "Meaning that they were op- p. Dav.21.26
War,
posed to the concept of taxation q. Psay.5W.8 3 And had 'wooden teeth too,
without representation, r. Ann.4.22 4 Which he made out of a
12 Whatever that was, s. Ann.4.24 cherry tree that he had 'chopped
13 And could, quite dhonorably, I. Br;t.1.8 down so he could tell his father
refuse to be subjected to Brit u. 6.12 about it,
tyranny, v. Forg.5.6 5 Proving that he was honest,
14 Because, w. Wil.52.1-6 6 And the father of his country.
15 Well, x. Br;I.22.12 7 Because of his Brit military
16 ·What America was all about y.6.6 training, Washington believed in
was freedom from tyranny. z. Psom.32.1-4 doing things the 'hard way,
17 rWhich explains how gPat- aa.1.7 8 Which is why he spent winters
rick Henry got the idea about at UValley Forge,
h"Give me liberty or give me 9 Where the troops had nothing
death." to eat,
10 And no shoes for their feet,
CHAPTER 9 11 And no coverings for their
'The Brits did not buy the heads,
freedom from tyranny an- 12 "Except the regulation white
gle, bandage with a picturesque
2 JWhich forced the colonists to bloodstain on the front.
articulate it more plainly, ·13 Anyway,
3 Resulting in a document 14 Washington decided to at-
called the kDeclaration of Inde- tack the Brits in the dead of
pendence, winter,
4 Which by an odd coincidence 15 wAnd therefore crossed the
was published on 'Independence Delaware,
Day, 16 XStanding up the whole way,
5 And upset the Brits no end. 17 Until they reached YTrenton
6 mIn fact, the Brits declared and surprised the British army,
war on the colonies, 18 By singing '''Yankee Doo-
7 But then had to wait around dle" as loud as they could,
for a while while the colonists 19 aaWhich explains why the
115
YANKS The Liberty Bell gets cracked

entire world now calls the Amer- a. Brit.24.18-20 tation owners, and °business-
icans Yankees. b. Brit.24.21-23 men,
c. Frog.Il.6 3 Which didn't work very well,
d. Dav.15.23 4 P Since none of them could
CHAPTER 11 e. Dav.20.30 ever agree on anything,
8Although badly surprised by f Dav.20.42
5 qExcept that they had a huge
George Washington, the g. Psay.5Y.16
war debt,
Brits kept fighting for quite a h. Brit.22.12
6 rAnd still didn't want to pay
while and tried a lot of brilliant i. Vin.44.1-7
any taxes.
tactics to regain the advantage. j.6.12 7 So they decided to have a con-
2 bFor example, they brought k.6.5
stitutional congress in ·Phila-
over a bunch of German merce- I. Psom.31.5-6
delphia to find a new form of
naries to fight the war for them, & 24.3-4
government,
3 ·Which the Yanks neutralized m.4.6-7
8 Capable of paying off the war
by bringing over a bunch of n. 5.4-7
debt,
Frenchmen to fight the war for o. Adam. 15. 12-
16 9 'Without taxes.
them.
p. Drex.5.2 10 ult turned out that there
4 Then the Brits tried to dis-
q. 6.21-22 wasn't any form of government
hearten the Americans by turn-
r.30.4 that could do what was neces-
ing dBenedict Arnold into a trai-
s. WiI.53.2 sary,
tor,
t. Brit.24.13 11 'So the constitutional con-
5 Which the Yanks countered
u. Rom.lO.4 gressmen argued for a long time,
by having eNathan Hale say, "I
v. 12.4 12 wAnd finally adopted a con-
regret that I have but one life to
w. Hall.8.1 stitution based on the very no-
give for my country,"
x. Hall.8.2 blest principles of human mor-
6 Right before the Brits hanged y. Rom.4.8
ality,
him. z. Rom.4.8 13 'In particular, the principle
7 Eventually, of course, the aa. Rom.4.8
that nobody can be trusted,
British general rCornwallis dis- bb. 57.12-19
14 Ever,
covered that he was in York- cc. Psay.5Y.33
15 YNot executives,
town, dd.9./O 16 "Not legislators,
8 gWhere the Brits surrendered
17 88 And not even judges.
to the Yanks at the end of the
Revolutionary War,
CHAPTER 13
9 hAnd so he did,
10 Which is when the 'Liberty
Bell got cracked,
W ith a few minor excep-
tions, the new constitu-
tion was a big success,
11 Because jPhiladelphia is a
2 Especially after a bbbill of
long way from kYorktown,
rights got attached to it,
12 'Even if you're ringing your
3 Just to make sure that the new
bell really loud.
government would understand
how much the citizens of the
CHAPTER 12 United States trusted them,
fter the war, the Yanks tried 4 co And then ddGeorge Wash-
A
rule by Articles of Confed- ington agreed to be elected the
eration, first president,
2 Meaning rule by argumenta- 5 By all the qualified voters in
tive cliques of mPuritans, Dplan- the United States,
116
Jefferson cares about little people YANKS

6 Meaning all property holders, a. Ro"I.3.7 CHAPTER 15


7 ·Unless they were slaves,
8 bOrwomen,
9 cOr didn't have enough prop-
b.
c.
Rom.3.8
Rom.3.9 J ohn Adams tried to set some
precedents of his own,
d. Psay.5Q.12 2 Such as suppressing mfreedom
erty. e. Grk.20.7 of speech,
10 And then Washington won f. Psom.48.1-6 3 DWhich is inconvenient to
by a huge margin, g.8.12 presidents,
11 dWhich may have been as h.9.10 4 °But presidents aren't allowed
much as a hundred votes. i. Brit. 7. 7 to suppress freedom of speech in
12 The Yanks celebrated j. Grk.1.11 the U.S.,
George's victory with a lot of k. &1.39.18-19 5 PSince the Yanks don't trust
parties, I. Dav.20A2 anybody that much,
13 And congratulated them- m.57.13 6 Except themselves,
selves a lot on having whipped n.57.12 7 And the politicians who agree
the Brits, o. Hall.8.1-2 with them,
14 e And on having invented a p.12.15-17
8 Which always excludes presi-
q. Main.37.6
new form of government, dents,
r. Dav.20.28
15 rwith a great new constitu- 9 qBecause nobody always
s.5.5
tion, agrees with someone who has to
t.left·7.15-17
16 Which was perfect, make decisions on a more than
u. Grk.20.8
17 IIExcept that it didn't say occasional basis.
v. Ned.29.19-20
anything at all about taxation 10 And so John Adams was
w. AnnA.30-31
without representation. voted out of office after his
x. Ann.4.32
first term and was replaced by
CHAPTER 14 rThomas Jefferson,
hGeorge Washington was 11 Who cared a lot more about
president for eight years the rights of the SUttle people,
and set a lot of important prece- 12 Since, as a Virginia gentle-
dents for the Yanks who would man, he owned a lot of little
become president after him. people and even slept with them
2 iFor example, he got upset when he felt like it.
with congress when they 13 This led to the concept of
wouldn't do what he wanted, lJeffersonian democracy,
3 JWhich made it okay for later 14 uMeaning rule by eloquent
presidents to get upset with con- platitudes,
gress too. 15 Which became an important
4 Then he decided not to run for American tradition.
reelection after he had served
two four-year terms,
5 Which made it practically im-
possible for subsequent presi-
dents to run for more than two
VB CHAPTER 16
ut saying what people
wanted to hear wasn't Jef-
terms, ferson's only accomplishment as
6 kWith one exception, president.
7 Which we'll discuss later. 2 "For example, he had the
8 Then he was succeeded by his White House built,
vice president, 3 xAnd Washington, D.C. too,
9 Who was 'John Adams. 4 Since the Yanks didn't have a
117
YANKS Another war with the British

capital city like BLondon or a. Brit.29.14-17 the country needed was another
bparis, b. Frog.22.1-5 war with the British,
5 So why not start one from c. 17.1 3 nSince the Brits were acting
scratch? d. Frog.19.4 like: they owned the whole At-
6 And so he did. e. Frog.15.1-3 'lantic Ocean,
7 Jefferson also pulled off the J. Ira.21.33 4 °Which they basically did.
cLouisiana Purchase, g. 15.15 5 But Madison thought they
S Buying a huge chunk of North h.16.7 should act nicer, so he started
America from the dFrench, i. Dav.l0.l0 acting like the Yanks owned the
9 eWho needed quick cash to j. Exp.15.8 Atlantic,
pay for all the glory they were k. 27.9 6 PEspecially the Yank coast-
getting in the Napoleonic Wars, I. Dav.20.36 line,
10 rAnd got a terrific deal, m. Psay.5Y.4 7 Which should have worked
11 Paying maybe five cents on n. Brit. 13. 7-/0 out all right,
o. Psay.5Q.68 S QSince th~ Brits were still hav-
the dollar, considering the real
value of the land, p.6.4-17 ing a big war with France,
12 gWhich is another important q. Brit. 23. 7
9 And might not try very hard
r. Chnk.12.15
American tradition, against the Yanks.
s. Brit.l.9
13 And explains why Jeffer- 10 Monroe was right about the
t. 16.2
son's picture wound up on the Brits not trying very hard,
u. Brit.25.6
nickel. 11 'But underestimated the Brit
v. Brit.25.9
w. Brit.25.10-
navy,
14 12 Which is always a big mis-
CHAPTER 17 x. Dav.l0./O take,
O f course, after Jefferson
completed the hLouisiana
13 SAnd therefore had to learn
the hard way,
Purchase, someone had to go 14 'By getting his house burned
look over the land, down,
2 Just to make sure it was okay, 15 U And a lot of other stuff too.
3 And so ILewis and Clark went 16 Fortunately, things got
out and examined it, worked out to everyone's satis-
4 For months, faction after a while.
5 And found that Jefferson had 17 vThe Brits signed a treaty
bought a lot of great land, saying they wouldn't act like
6 JExcept that there were a lot of they owned the Yank coastline,
Indians on it, 18 wAnd the Yanks got to kill
7 kWho thought it was theirs, about three thousand Brits in one
8 For some reason, of the most lopsided victories
9 Even though the Yanks had a anyone ever had against the
receipt. Brits,
19 After the treaty had already
been signed.
CHAPTER 18
A fter Jefferson had had his
two terms, the Yanks CHAPTER 19
elected Ijames Madison to suc-
ceedhim.
T his big Yank victory made a
national hero out of a Yank
2 mMonroe decided that what named xAndrew Jackson,
118
Madison deals with a hot potato YANKS

2 aWho was made completely a. Zig.6.4 doing pretty well for themselves
out of hickory, financially,
b. Kens.16.5·10
3 And therefore survived all of c. Zig.9.2 14 IExcept for the way the econ-
his enemies' attempts to kill d. 15.14 omy kept collapsing into a major
him, e. Dav.20.36 depression every few years,
4 Which was a lot of attempts, f 1B.1 15 mWhich had something to do
5 Because Jackson had a lot of g. Ed. 60. 17 with the banking laws, .
enemies, h. Chr.5.5·7 16 nSomething too complicated
6 Owing to a slight problem he i. Adam.52.4 to remember,
had with his temper, j.122.29 17 That would become a °hot
7 Which is to say that he was k. Gnt. 16. 6-Bpotato later.
sort of a maniac, I. Adam.42.5·918 PAnyway, with the exception
& 25.10-14
8 bWho fought duels with any- of all the depressions,
m. Adam.34.3·6
one who disagreed with him, n. Adam.34.B-
19 The Yanks in the northern
9 •And never changed his mind 11 "states, "
about anyone or anything, 0.20.10 20 As the colonies were now
10 Because he didn't have any p.20.14 calling themselves,
education. q. 20.14 21 Were doing pretty good busi-
11 This naturally made him a r. 56.15·22 ness in a bunch of industries,
good candidate to be president of s. Brit.2B.31-3B 22 Such as qgun powder and
the Yanks someday, t. Exp.16.11-12 textiles,
12 Which we'll get to later. u. Rom.3.1 23 And didn't see why the na-
v. Rom.3.3 tion needed any more slaves,
CHAPTER 20 w. Grk.8.32 24 rSince there were a lot of
B eating the Brits also helped x.20.7
the dJeffersonian democrats y. 7.1·2
poor white Yanks who were
willing to work pretty hard for
get another president elected, practically nothing.
2 Whose name was "Monroe, 25 In the south, on the other
3 And who was hard to distin- hand, the plantation owners
guish from rMadison, were doing a pretty good busi-
4 Since they were both Virgin- ness selling Scotton and 'tobacco
ians, to the Brits,
5 Both had James for a first 26 uAnd they didn't know how
name, all the cotton and tobacco would
6 And both had a last name that get picked if slaves didn't do it,
began with an g"M." 27 vBecause they knew they
7 But it was Monroe who had to weren't going to do it,
deal with the Missouri problem, 28 Since that would have meant
which had to do with hslavery, getting off their whorse and get-
8 And ieconomics, ting their hands dirty.
9 And was thus a hot potato, 29 This difference of opinion
10 Which is a Yank term for any caused some problems when
issue that might require thought other parts of the south decided
and foresight to resolve, they wanted to be a state,
11 j And therefore probably 30 'Namely, Missouri,
can't be resolved by Yanks. 31 So that they could all be free
12 kHere's what happened. and democratic,
13 All in all, the Yanks were 32 YWhich is the American Way,
119
YANKS The Yanks compromise Missouri

33 And how could they become a.15.14 18 RThat is, everybody who was
states if they weren't allowed to b. Brd. 17. 6-8 legally entitled to vote.
keep their slaves? c. 6.5
d.20.27 CHAPTER 22

A
CHAPTER 21
s a aJeffersonian democrat,
e. Ned. 30. 30-35
j Kens.28.6
T he reason the Missouri
Compromise was so impor-
President Madison under- g. Spic.7. 7 tant was that pioneers were al-
stood that everybody had a h. /39.28 ready starting to °migrate west-
point. i.20.2 ward,
2 For example,like the bNew j. 122.29 2 PInto the new lands acquired
England Puritans, he didn't ex- k. Psay.5Y.21 through the Louisiana Purchase,
actly approve of slavery, I. Mes.1.9 3 Which meant that there would
3 Although being a CVirginian m. Barb.1.2 be more states signing up to join
Grk.13.20
himself, he understood the posi- n. 13.6-9
the United States,
tion of the southerners too, o. Dav.27.5-7
4 qAnd sooner or later, the
4 dBecause if you lived in the p. 17.6-7
Yanks would have to make a
south, you needed somebody to q.20.9 decision about how to handle
do all the work, r. Adam. 10. 6 slavery.
5 And the poor whites were too s. Adam. 10. 7-8 5 If too many southern states
eproud to do it, t. Boul.21.9 joined up, slavery could be le-
6 fMeaning too quarrelsome, u.20.26 galized by congress in the north-
lazy, and vindictive to take or- ern states too,
ders, 6 Which would have increased
7 Unless you could make them the northern population of ne-
gcooperate with whips and leg groes,
irons, 7 And the northerners have al-
8 Which were illegal to use, ways been pretty united about
9 bOn white people. not needing any more negroes,
10 And so iMonroe figured out 8 Especially since you could
that the best thing to do was mail away to Britain and Europe
compromise, for indentured servants,
11 jWhich is the Yank way of 9 rWhich were almost as inex-
doing something quick and easy pensive as slaves,
right now, so that someone else 10 SAnd just as obedient and
will have to make the real deci- powerless,
sion later on, 11 lAnd white.
12 Hopefully much later on, 12 On the other hand, if too
13 When you're already out of many northern states joined up,
office. congress might outlaw slavery in
14 And so everyone agreed on the southern states,
the kMissouri Compromise, 13 Which would have been a
15 Which said that new south- disaster.
ern states could have ·slaves, 14 Not that the southerners re-
16 And new northern states ally liked negroes either,
mcouldn't, 15 But they were used to them,
17 Which seemed reasonable to 16 And their whole economy
U

everybody, depended on them.

120
Jackson does something about the banks YANKS

CHAPTER 23 a. E:cp.11.9-1O ams and Something Harrison


A nd so, in the wake of the b. 17.9
Missouri Compromise, the c. 22.4
and Something Tyler and Martin
Van Buren and Millard Fillmore
Yanks practiced their racial rela- d.21.11 that nobody remembers to this
tions skills on the 8Indians, e. Brit.S6.12-13 day,
2 bWho seemed to be living on a f Barb.l.2-B 6 Except that jJohn Quincy Ad-
lot of the best land in the coun- g. 12.13-17 ams was the son of John Adams,
try, h. Adam. 36. 9- and too smart to be president,
10
3 And had to be persuaded to 7 kFor some reason,
i. Psay.SP.6
move away, 8 And one of the others caught a
j. Psom.3.1-2
4 Which would maybe work on cold at his inauguration and died
k.2S.1
the negroes Clater on, almost immediately,
I. Lies.14.4-S
5 And so the Yanks signed trea- m.19.1 9 'For some reason.
ties with the Indians, n.lefs.7.1S-17
10 m And somewhere in there,
6 dpromising to let them have a o. Grk.20.B Andrew Jackson became presi-
lot of land of their own, p.lS.lS
dent.
7 Somewhere else, q.20.1S
8 elf they would just please r. Ned.36.1B-19 CHAPTER 25
leave the land the Yanks wanted s. 19.6
now. t. 19.10
j ackson also invented some-
thing called RJacksonian de-
9 This worked great, u. Psay.SQ.12 mocracy,
10 Because the Indians were too v. Psay.SP.S 2 °Meaning rule by illiterate
r uncivilized to understand the hicks who spit Ptobacco juice on
principles of American democ- the carpet,
racy, 3 And resulted in the Yank tra-
11 gAnd therefore didn't know dition of electing presidents who
that you can't trust anybody, were born in log cabins,
12 hNo matter how many beads 4 Which made them honest and
and mirrors they give you. great,
13 In this fashion, the Yanks 5 For some reason.
managed to clear out a whole lot 6 qJackson also did something
of territory , about the banking situation that
14 And add a lot of new states, was causing all the terrible eco-
15 In practically no time at all. nomic depressions,
7 r Although no one can remem-
ber whether what he did made it
CHAPTER 24 better or worse,
I n fact, the Yanks were so busy
adding states,
8 "Except that he felt very
strongly about it,
2 Not to mention making 9 t And absolutely positively
money, refused to change his mind,
3 That they went through a IOU And therefore must have
whole bunch of presidents with- been a great president.
out really noticing them,
4 Atall. CHAPTER 26
5 IFor example, there were pres-
idents named John Quincy Ad-
T here was also a president
named vJames Polk.

121
YANKS The Yanks discover Manifest Destiny

CHAPTER 27 a. Lies.1O.6 5 Namely, California,


M eanwhile, the Yanks kept
adding more new states,
b.
c.
Exp.l. 7-9
Rat.23.19
6 Before they figured out that it
was there.
which was going so smoothly d. Rom. 2. 7-10 7 j And so the Yanks got all the
and quickly that the Yanks de- e. Exp.l.10-16 gold,
cided it meant something. j 23.5 8 kWhich is the way things go
2 What it meant, g. Frog. 26. 7 when you have Manifest Destiny
3 8The way the Yanks looked h.5.1 on your side,
at it, i. Spic.9.1-6 9 I And enough poor white trash
4 Was that the United States j. Psay.5Y.53 to sift every ounce of dirt in the
was kind of b supposed to own all k. Ned.19.3-4 state.
of North America, l. 56.10 10 In fact, the Yanks had
5 <From sea to shining sea, m. Psay.5C.5 enough poor white trash to sift
6 No matter who got in the way. n. Dav.23.10- almost all of the dirt in the west,
22
7 And so the Yanks wound up & 24.4-12 11 Which is why they also
rediscovering the ancient Roman o. Ed.43.4 found silver in Colorado and
idea of dappropriating, p. EdAO.2-8 mNevada,
8 'Which is another way of q. Adam. 25. 8- 12 And a bunch of other stuff in
saying that if a bunch of Yanks 14 other places,
have moved in someplace and 13 Until suddenly everybody
put up some buildings and signs, thought that dirt was just the
then obviously the Yanks must greatest thing ever,
own it, 14 And went out west to get
9 Regardless of what any piece some of their own.
of paper says, 15 Fortunately for the Yanks,
10 fEven if it's a treaty signed there was absolutely no shortage
by the U.S. government. of dirt out west.
11 This important new Yank 16 In fact, there was so much of
principle was called IManifest it that even the streets were
Destiny, paved with dirt,
12 Which can be roughly trans- 17 Which turned out to be a
lated as "Get the hell out of our good thing,
way! " 18 Because Deveryone who went
west was wearing a °six-gun,
CHAPTER 28 19 And when they got killed,
T hanks to Manifest Destiny,
the Yanks managed to ap-
20 PWhich a lot of them did,
21 It was easy to dig a hole in
propriate hCalifornia from the the dirt wherever they were,
Spanish, 22 And put them in it,
2 Which was really a shame for 23 With their boots on,
the Spies, 24 So their socks wouldn't get
3 iWho had spent the last sev- dirty,
eral hundred years ransacking 25 Or something like that.
large chunks of two continents in 26 Anyway, this period of Yank
search of gold, history was terribly exciting and
4 Only to get kicked out of the romantic,
place where all the gold was, 27 qNot to mention extremely

122
The fascinations ofdirt YANKS

profitable for all the capitalists a.


Psay.5Q.30 10 And chaps for keeping dirt
who were making guns and bul- b.
Ed.46.IB-20 off your pants,
lets and shovels back east, c.
Dav.24.24 11 And neckerchiefs for keep-
28 aWhich maybe explains why d.
Adam. 7.9-11 ing dirt out of your mouth,
so many perfectly contented e. Chnk.11. 7-9 12 gNot to mention guns and
Yanks in the east kept shouting,f. Ned. 24. 20 dirt sifters and shovels,
"Go west, young man," when- g.2B.27 13 hAs well as plenty of rotgut
ever they ran into somebody h. Kens.5.31 whiskey to clear the dirt out of
who was too dirty and rowdy to i. Wi/.43.7 your throat,
put to work in a factory. j. Ed.43.9 14 i And every once in a long
k. Spic.I0.2-3 while, a bathtub for washing the
l. Spic.1O.4-5 dirt off,
CHAPTER 29 m. Ann.IB.19 15 So you'd be allowed to go
A s it happened, the westward n. Oth.3.I-I3
migration of so many dirty 0.27.9
upstairs with the jsaloon girls.

people resulted in a completely p. Spic.3.2-3


new kind of economic system, q. Spic.3.4-6
CHAPTER 30
2 In which every single profes-
sion was based on dirt,
r. Exp.ll.IB-21
I t was this Yank fascination
with dirt that took Manifest
3 Including ranching, bwhich Destiny south of the border into
involved owning enough dirt so Mexico,
that cowboys on horseback could 2 kWhich is a country made
kick up a lot of dust chasing completely out of dirt,
livestock from one water hole to 3 lAnd nothing else,
another, 4 At all.
4 And sheep farming, cwhich 5 When they saw it,
involved squatting on dirt that 6 mThe Yanks fell in love with it
belonged to some cattle rancher immediately,
and waiting for all hell to break 7 And had to have it,
loose, 8 Even though the Spics Rowned
5 And lots and lots of mining, it,
6 Not to mention railroading, 9 °Which never stopped the
dwhich involved buying enough Yanks anyway,
·Chinks to lay track across thou- 10 As we have seen.
sands of miles of empty dirt, in 11 Of course, the Yanks were a
order to connect one dirty little lot fonder of dirt than the Spics
western town with another, all ever were,
the way to the coast, 12 PBecause the Spies had
7 And commerce, which in- plenty of dirt back home in
volved the selling of all manner Spain,
of goods and tools for handling 13 And it wasn't the prospect of
dirt, finding more dirt that convinced
8 Including brooms for sweep- them to come to the New World
ing dirt, in the first place,
9 f And hats with big brims for 14 qBut gold,
keeping dirt out of your eyes and 15 rWhich Mexico didn't seem
hair, to have much of,

123
YANKS The Yanks remember the Alamo

16 BOwing to the fact that it was a. 28.8-9 41 Which may help explain how
all in California. b. 27.11 it happened that when the dust
17 In fact, the Spics in Mexico c. Spic.12.1 finally cleared in Texas,
had actually gotten pretty tired d.27.7 42 The Yanks owned Texas,
of the Yanks and their bManifest e. Brit.24.13 43 Which manifested its destiny
Destiny, f. Psay. 5Y. 40 almost immediately,
18 (Especially since EI Dorado g. Dav.23.10 44 By joining the United States,
& 24.16-18
had turned out to be such a bust, 45 Which made everything all
h. Psom.9.1-12
19 And they decided that the Ed.47.7 better,
Yanks shouldn't be able to grab i. Ed. 64. 8 46 Even though nobody in
off a huge chunk of Mexico just j. Ed.47.9 Texas has ever,
because they felt like it. k. Ed.47.8 47 Or will ever,
20 And so, when the Yanks d ap_ I. Ed.43.11-12 48 UForget the terrible things
propriated a big chunk of Mex- m. Ed. 71.22-25 the Spics did at the Alamo.
ico and started calling it "Texas, n. Ed.45.2-4
21 The Spics retaliated 'at the o. Ed.47.14
Alamo, p. Ed.45.6-7 CHAPTER 31
22 Where they slaughtered a
whole bunch of Yank heroes,
q. Ed.45.9
r. 116.16
O f course, it wasn't just
Spics who got pushed out
23 Including gDavy Crockett, s. 107.5-6 of the way by vManifest Destiny.
24 And hJim Bowie Jim Bowie, t. Kens.16.6-JO 2 For example, the Yanks also
25 And IDaniel Boone, u. Psom.75.10- manifested their destiny in
26 And Sam Houston, II wCanada,
27 And JWyatt Earp, v. 27.12 3 By appropriating Washington
28 And kBat Masterson, w. Brit.26.15 or some northwestern state like
29 And 'Doc Holliday, x.27.8 that,
30 And mBuffalo Bill, y. Frog.19.4-5
4 "For some excellent reason,
z. Pnot.53.1-5
31 And nWild Bill Hickok, no doubt,
32 And 0 Annie Oakley, 5 Which the Canucks didn't
33 And a whole bunch of Texas care for,
Rangers, 6 But the Yanks have never
34 PExcept one, cared much about the Canucks'
35 Who got rescued by a faith- opinion anyway,
ful qIndian friend from his 7 Because what can you say
youth, about people who have that
36 And was the only one left to much land,
r"Remember the Alamo." 8 And never tried, even once, to
37 "The problem is, it's never a manifest their destiny,
good idea to make the Yanks 9 But just went tromping around
mad, on snowshoes instead?
38 Because as soon as they get 10 Besides, most of the people
mad, they stop thinking alto- who lived in Canada were
gether, YFrogs or something,
39 And feel absolutely obli- 11 ZExcept for the ones who
gated to get even, went there because they really
40 INo matter how much· it liked the thought of being op-
costs, pressed from three thousand

124
The slavery thing crops up again YANKS

miles away by a "half-witted Brit a. Brit.17.22-23 7 Not that there hadn't been
king, b. Psom.13.1-5 Yank writers before;
12 Which sort of explains why c.Oth.5.1-1B 8 hThere had been;
bCanada never really had a des- d.32.4 9 It's just thatthey'd never writ-
tiny, e. 22.4 ten any interesting books.
13 Or any history to speak of, f Dav.14.39 10 iMost of the Yank writers be-
14 Or anything but a bunch of g. 20.10 fore Haniet Beecher Stowe had
Frogs on snowshoes. h. 65.3 been overeducated JPuritans
i. Swar.20.12 from New England,
j. 3.1-2 11 Like kpaul Bunyan and 'Na-
CHAPTER 32 Kens.2B.16

A nd so, the Yanks had great


success in appropriating
k. Dav.20.42
l. Dav.20.42
thaniel Hawthorne,
12 mWho wrote about Dguilt and
sin and suffering,
land from whoever happened to m. Grk.5.B
13 Which the majority of Yanks
own it, n. Pnot.14.1-5
have never cared about,
3 <Especially from the Indians, o. Ed.40.B
14 Unless they can inflict it
4 Who kept signing treaties and p.20.23-24
themselves,
moving out of the way, q. Barb.1.2
r. 7.1-2 15 °In person.
5 Signing treaties and moving
s. B.14-16 16 Anyway,
out of the way,
t. 13.6-9 17 'Uncle Tom's Cabin' started
6 d And signing treaties and
u. Dav.22.12 a big abolitionist movement,
moving out of the way.
v. 25.4 18 PWhich meant that a bunch
7 But then, just when every-
of Yanks in New England in-
thing was looking really won-
sisted on telling the southern
derful,
states how qevil and immoral
8 With Yank destiny manifest- they were for having slaves,
ing itself allover the place,
19 And therefore caused the
9 The old eslavery thing
southern states to start retaliating
cropped up again, in the traditional r American way,
10 And wouldn't go away.
20 By threatening to start their
own country,
CHAPTER 33 21 'Where they would be free
P art of the problem this time
was that someone named
from the chains of tyranny,
22 And could do what they
rHarriet Beecher Stowe had writ- wanted to,
ten a book, 23 However tthey wanted to do
2 Called 'Uncle Tom's Cabin,' it.
3 Which was all about how aw-
ful slavery was.
4 The book became very very CHAYfER34
popular,
5 gWhich made it a hot potato
T he president who had to
handle this mess was
for the president, uJames Buchanan,
6 Because it was practically un- 2 Who had been born in a "log
precedented for a Yank to write a cabin,
book that a lot of Yanks could 3 And was therefore honest and
read. great,

125
YANKS Lincoln offends the southerners

4 a Although maybe more honest a. Rat.14.3 keep going off and starting their
than great, b. Psong.44.1 own country every time some-
5 bAnd just possibly more stu- c. 21.1 thing didn't go their way,
pid than honest. d.57.12-16 11 IBecause that would be pretty
30.38-40
6 Buchanan felt very strongly stupid.
e. 21.11-13 12 Naturally, the southerners
that everybody was right,
j 36.6-14
7 ·Which is an important tradi- thought this kind of talk was
g. Ed.28.6
tion of Yank politics, offensive and uncalled for,
h. Rom.21.8-9
8 And resulted in everybody 13 JSo they took out an ad in the
i.20.32
getting madder and madder, paper to tell everybody that if
j. 33.19
9 Which is also an important Abraham Lincoln was elected
k. AnnA.6
tradition of Yank politics, president,
I. Psay.5Y.5
10 Until everybody got so mad 14 kThey would go off and start
m. 12.1-2
they couldn't see straight, n.6.5
their own country,
11 dWhich is still another im- 0.6.14
15 And if Lincoln tried to stop
portant Yank tradition called p.6.15
them,
freedom of expression, q. 25.1-5 & 16 There would be war.
12 And caused Buchanan to fig- 34.1-3
ure out that the potato had finally r. 16.7-8 CHAPI'ER36
gotten way too hot,
13 'So he left it cooking on his
s. 30.43-44
W hat happened next was
that Abraham Lincoln got
desk at the White House and elected president,
went home. 2 I And the southerners went off
and started their own country,
3 Called the Confederate States
CHAPTER 35 of America,
W hen they saw how easy it
was to discourage Bu-
4 In honor of the mbrilliant sys-
tem the states had tried before
chanan, they had to make up a constitu-
2 The f southerners got pretty tion instead,
excited, 5 And they got a whole bunch
3 And started making all kinds of states to join,
of threats about the next presi- 6 DInc1uding Virginia,
dent and what they would do if 7 ·South Carolina,
the wrong one got elected, 8 PGeorgia,
4 Like g Abraham Lincoln, 9 Alabama,
5 Who the southerners thought 10 Mississippi,
was the worst possible choice, 11 QTennessee,
6 Even though he had been born 12 rLouisiana,
in a log cabin, 13 And sTexas,
7 And was therefore honest and 14 Unless some of these aren't
great. right,
8 The problem was, Abraham 15 Because all of this happened
Lincoln kept making speeches a pretty long time ago,
about how the United States was 16 And no one remembers all
a hunion, the details,
9 No matter what, 17 Except for a bunch of south-
10 And how they couldn't just erners who have never stopped
126
The northerners are not excited YANKS

abelieving in the Confederacy, a. Grk.12.10 6 eMaybe down south,


18 And never stopped fighting b. Dav.14.9 7 rAnd fired the shot heard
the War Between the States. c. 56.8-10 round the world,
d. Chr.8.1-4 8 KUnless that was some other
CHAPTER 37 e.36.7 shot.
b ,l braham Lincoln looked the f. Psay.5Q.28 9 Anyway,
ftsituation over, g. Dav.23.58 10 When Lincoln heard about
2 And saw that a bunch of states h. Dav.22.34 the shot at Fort Sumter,
had walked out, i. Ann.4.30-31 11 He declared hwar on the
3 Over a difference of opinion j. 36.18 Confederacy,
that would probably never be re- k. Dav.15.9 12 And sent the union army out
solved to anyone's satisfaction, I. Dav.18.17 to stop the Confederates at a
4 CExcept that a lot of Yanks up m. Dav.8.7 Washington suburb called Bull
north really dido't care at all Run.
about the slavery problem, 13 Unfortunately, the union sol-
5 And weren't all that sorry to diers at Bull Run didn't have any
see the last of the southern states slaves to pack them a nice lunch,
either, 14 So they got hungry and tired,
6 Because who needed them 15 In about fifteen minutes,
anyway, 16 And the Confederates won
7 With their trashy accents, big,
8 And their hick ways, 17 INo more than a few miles
9 And all those black people. from the White House,
10 All of this made it pretty 18 Which got the northerners
obvious to Lincoln what he had really excited about defeating
to do, the Confederates,
11 For some reason, 19 Except that it didn't,
12 And so he told the Confeder- 20 For some reason.
acy that they couldn't leave the
union,
13 Ever, CHAPTER 39
14 And if they tried to, Dart of the reason why the
15 He would stop them, C northerners weren't excited
16 Because union was more im- enough about the Civil War,
portant than anything, 2 Which is what the northerners
17 Period. called the JWar Between the
States for some reason,
CHAPTER 38 3 Was that the Confederates had
W hen they heard this, the
Confederates were pretty
all the exciting generals,
4 Including kRobert E. Lee,
delighted, 5 And ·Stonewall Jackson,
2 And got out all their dcavalry 6 And mWilson Pickett,
sabers, 7 And a bunch of others too,
3 And had their slaves pack a 8 While the north didn't have
nice lunch, any generals at all,
4 And rode off to Fort Sumter, 9 Which is why Lincoln had to
5 Which is located somewhere spend the whole first half of the
in the United States, war looking for one.
127
YANKS Gettysburg is pretty upsetting

10 When he couldn't find any a. Forg.8.11-15 9 And be remembered forever,


8generals, b. Psay.51.l-4 10 Was to send all the troops the
11 Lincoln tried fighting the c. Dav.22.12 south had left on a desperate
war with bidiots instead, d. Dav.35.22 cavalry charge,
& 21.9 11 JStraight into the union ar-
12 Including "Meade,
e. 135.13
13 And dMcClellan, tillery,
14 And some others too, f 77.9 12 Just to see what would hap-
g. Forg.5.6
15 Who all really wanted to be pen.
h. Forg.5.6
generals, 13 What happened was that the
i.39.6
16 And wore very nice blue uni- south lost fifteen thousand
j. Psom.25.1-3
forms, troops,
k. Psom.25.11-
17 And spent lots and lots of 13 14 kIn about half an hour,
money, l. Forg.4.11 15 Bringing the total number of
18 On nice blue uniforms for m. Kens.22.9 troops killed at Gettysburg up to
the union troops, n.40.15 an even Ififty thousand,
19 And on cannons and rifles o. Dav.12.5 16 And ensuring the late Gen-
and bullets and things, eral Pickett an honored place in
20 Not to mention horses and Confederate history,
wagons and tents and food, 17 Forever.
21 And hundreds of blurry pho-
tographs,
CHAPTER 41
22 And thousands of flags,
23 e And zillions of telegrams
to the president explaining why
E verybody was pretty amazed
and upset about how many
soldiers had been killed at Get-
the union army wasn't ready to
tysburg,
fight yet.
2 So Lincoln made a speech,
3 And told everybody that Four-
CHAPTER 40
E ventually all this led to the
Battle of Gettysburg,
score and seven years ago,
4 Something,
5 And something else,
2 Somehow,
6 And these mhonored dead,
3 And the union blue fought the
7 And all that,
confederate grayout in the mid-
8 Until everybody felt better,
dle of the Pennsylvania country-
9 Including Lincoln,
side for three days,
10 Because thanks to DGettys-
4 fArmed with the most modem
burg, he had finally figured out
and deadly weapons anyone had
how to win the war.
ever seen,
5 Which they fired at each other
from point-blank range, CHAPTER 42
6 Until the fields of Gettysburg
were covered with the bodies of
W hat °Lincoln figured out
at Gettysburg was that if
thousands ofgdead northerners, you killed lots and lots of the
7 And thousands of hdead enemy's troops,
southerners, 2 And kept on doing it,
8 Which convinced IGeneral 3 For a good long time,
Pickett that the only way to top it 4 Eventually, they'd have to
all off, surrender,
128
Lincoln buys Grant a drink YANKS

5 "Because they'd run out of a. Psay.5Q.62 11 Which he would find deeply


men. b.39.10-11 moving if he only knew what it
6 When Lincoln explained this c. Dav.32.4 was,
plan to his bgenerals, d. 36.17-18 12 Except that he doesn't,
7 They couldn't understand it, e. Vin.3.10 13 g And therefore has to look
8 And didn't like it, J. Bks.6.17-18 glazed and distant instead.
9 And told him that the only g. 43.5 14 Anyway,
general who'd buy a crazy plan h. Krt.31.6-7 15 With so much history going
like that was some worthless i. Dav.22.1-2 on allover the place, hit's hard to
old drunk who didn't know any j. Dav.22.3 pick out the really important
better, k. Mall. 6. 24-25 things,
10 And why didn't he just go t. Dav.lO.lO 16 I Although there must have
back to the White House and nib m. Dav.15.9 been some,
out? n. 43.32 17 JOr nobody would remember
11 And so Lincoln found a o. Brd.24.1-8 the Civil War at all.
worthless old drunk named p. Dav.19.8 18 Of course, everybody re-
·U.S. Grant, q. 44.1 members something different,
12 And bought him ~ big bottle 19 kWhich is what America is
of whiskey, all about,
13 And told him about the plan, 20 And explains why the Yanks
14 Which Grant liked so much are so great,
that the president put him 10 21 Unless it doesn't.
charge of the union army, 22 For example, the northerners
15 Right then and there. remember that at some point,
I Abraham Lincoln freed the
slaves,
CHAPTER 43 23 Which they think was pretty
~e Civil War lasted a long
T bme, terrific,
24 And definitely worth re-
2 And involved hundreds of bat- membering,
ties, 25 Because it made the south-
3 Which happened in hundreds erners so furious.
of places that nobody knows 26 Black people also used to
where they are to this day, think it was pretty terrific that
4 dExcept southerners, of mLincoln freed them,
course, 27 Until they found out nhe
5 And explains why every Yan- didn't really mean it,
kee still gets a glazed and distant 28 Or something,
look in his eye when he hears 29 Which made it a lot less
names like Chickamauga, memorable,
6 And Shiloh, 30 And a lot less important too,
7 And Manassas, 31 °For some reason.
8 And the ·Wilderness, 32 On the other hand, even
9 fWhere he knows something white southerners remember that
sad and bloody and desperately PLincoln freed the slaves,
heroic occurred, 33 And just wish they didn't,
10 Something terribly important 34 qBecause they'd much rather
to the history of his country, remember what the north did to
129
YANKS Grant keeps on thinking

the south after 8Grant became a. 42.11 13 For some reason,


the union commander, b.151.17 14 Which is why it came to be
35 Which was not nice, c. 91.7 called other names instead,
36 At all, d. 42.1 15 Including total war,
37 And will never be forgotten e. Gnt.16.11-12 16 "And modern war,
by the south, f. 44.3-4 17 And other names too,
38 Ever, g. Dav.9.7 18 Especially in the south,
39 Which still yearns for re- h. Psay.5Q.63 where they got to know this kind
venge, i. Grk.23.12-13 of war pretty well.
40 Because that's the American j. 44.38 19 After he got his bright idea,
way, k. Dav.22.55 20 Grant needed someone to ex-
41 Especially if you're still nos- 1. Dav.22.37-40 ecute it for him,
talgic for the days when every 21 Since he was too busy drink-
white man was truly free, ing,
42 bAnd every negro knew his 22 rThat is, thinking,
place. 23 To actually go do it himself.
24 So he picked a general
named gSherman,
CHAPTER 44 25 hWho thought that war was
W hat the north did to the
south after Grant became
hell,
26 lAnd was just dying for a
the union commander was de- chance to prove it.
stroy it, 27 He got his chance when
2 Pretty thoroughly. Grant told him to march to the
3 What happened was, Grant sea,
thought about Lincoln's plan to 28 JAIl the way from som~­
end the Civil War, where or other,
4 <For four or five cases of 29 To the coast of Georgia,
whiskey, 30 Without leaving anything
5 dAnd came up with the idea standing anywhere in between.
that if you could win by de- 31 General Sherman did this
stroying enough of the enemy's so well that all the ksouthern
troops, women had to make dresses out
6 You might win even faster if of curtains,
you destroyed everything the en- 32 And eat nothing but old roots
emyhad, from the garden,
7 Until they had nothing left to 33 Because those were the only
fight you with, things the union troops didn't
8 At all, bum down,
9 Including not even a single 34 Or knock down,
bullet to shoot, 35 Or tear up,
10 Or a single rifle to shoot 36 Or track their feet on,
with, 37 Between somewhere and the
11 Or even a single potato to sea.
eat. 38 They also burned down
12 Grant didn't name this new (Atlanta,
kind of war after himself, 39 And some other cities too,

130
Lee feels like a grandfather YANKS

40 Including maybe Charleston, a. Dav.14.20 23 And had to be ready when


41 Unless it was someplace b.116.16 the time came.
else. c. 47.16
d.42.11 CHAPTER 46

B
CHAPTER 45
y this time, General "Robert
e. 44.25-26
f. Jra.32.3-9 A s it happens, there's a funny
thing about history,
E. Lee was pretty unhappy. g. Psay.5Y.17 2 Which is that when a lot of it
2 bPickett was dead, h. Dav.23.58 is going on,
3 "And so was Stonewall Jack- i. 44.22 3 It's kind of hard to stop it,
son, j. Lies.14.5 4 jOr even slow it down,
4 Which meant that the Yanks k. Dav.22.52 5 Just because everybody would
now had more famous generals l. Psay.5Q.1O like some peace and quiet,
than the south did, m. Psay.5Q.58 6 And a little breathing room.
5 dWhat with Grant and his big n. Dav.15.45 7 Immediately after the Civil
thinking bouts, o. Dav.15.46 War,
6 'Shennan and his hellfire, p. Psong.19.2
8 Almost everybody was re-
q. Dav.52.4 lieved that it was over at last,
7 And a bunch of other Yanks
r. Frog.37.6
just like Grant and Shennan. 9 And Lincoln said some nice
s. Dav.15.9
8 Besides, Lee's hair had turned &22.8 things in his second inaugural
completely fgray, & 23.11 address,
9 And since the average age of 10 kThings about malice toward
his soldiers was now about four- none,
teen, 11 lAnd how a divided house
10 He was starting to feel more can't stand the heat in the
like a grandfather than a general, kitchen,
11 And so he decided that it 12 mOr words to that effect,
might be better to surrender so 13 nWhich eventually might
the troops could get to bed in have gotten everybody calmed
time to be fresh for school, down a little bit,
12 Which he did, 14 °So they could think what to
13 gIn a place called Appomat- do next,
tox, 15 Only Lincoln went to see a
14 hUnless that isn't where it Pplay at Ford's Theater instead,
was. 16 Where an assassin named
15 Anyway, Lee handed his qJohn Wilkes Booth assassinated
sword to Grant, him,
16 And rode off into the sunset, 17 And took away the greatest
17 And was never heard from president the northeastern states
again. of the U.S. ever had.
18 As the victorious general,
though, CHAPTER 47
19 Grant had to keep working,
20 iAnd thinking,
T o this day, every Yank born
north of the 'Mason-Dixon
21 Sometimes as many as two line remembers that S Abraham
or three cases a week, Lincoln was a great president,
22 Because he was going to be 2 Because he won the Civil
heard from again, War,

131
YANKS The Yanks honor Lincoln's memory

3 And freed the slaves, a. Psom.68.1-5 3 j And was therefore dishonest


4 a And got assassinated, b. Gods.6.20-22 and stupid.
5 And was born in a log cabin, c. Psong.16.1 4 In fact, Johnson almost got
6 And was very very tall, d. Psp.3.B impeached,
7 And wore a stovepipe hat, e. Dav.16.1-7 5 For some reason,
8 And had a funny-looking j Ext.11.4 6 And did kReconstruction com-
beard, g.30.37-40 pletely wrong,
9 And a funny-looking wife. h. Main.29.1-7 7 'Which everybody knows,
10 They also know that Lincoln i. Dav.22.i2 8 Although there's still a lot of
was honest and great, j. Psay.5Q.62 disagreement about how Recon-
11 Because if he wasn't, k. 27.12 struction could have been done
12 bWhy would he have such a I. Mawr. lB. 7 right.
nice memorial in Washington, m. Frog.J3.6 9 For example, the southerners
D.C., n. Dav.22.J3 and quite a lot of Yanks still
13 CAnd his picture on the dfive- o. Psay.5Q.42 think that the biggest thing
dollar bill, wrong about mReconstruction
14 "And so many movies made was that it was done at all,
about his life? 10 Because the Yanks who
15 Back then, the northerners wanted to get even with the
also thought Lincoln was honest south set everything up to make
and great, things as hard as possible for the
16 rBecause he got shot in the white southerners,
back by a southerner, 11 Like sending a bunch of op-
17 g And were so mad about portunistic and unscrupulous
what happened to him that they ncarpetbaggers down to spread
responded in the most traditional as much corruption around the
American way, south as they had up north,
18 By arresting a whole bunch 12 And creating a bunch of pup-
of conspirators, pet state legislatures full of igno-
19 Finding them guilty as rant, illiterate black field hands
charged in spite of the evidence, who were anxious to learn as
20 And then hanging them by much as possible about corrup-
the neck until they were dead. tion from the carpetbaggers, and
21 This event not only honored not much else,
the memory of a great Ameri- 13 And letting black people run
can, absolutely wild and free in the
22 But set the tone for the streets, so that they could terror-
north's treatment of the south in ize white women and children
years to come, and humiliate powerless, un-
23 Including the new policy armed southern men.
called hReconstruction. 14 °The people who think this
way about Reconstruction are
CHAPTER 48 usually the white people in the
T he president who came after
Lincoln was named 'An-
north and the south who were
never that upset about slavery
drew Johnson, anyway, and thought the best
2 Who wasn't born in a log way to get over the war was to
cabin, forgive and forget,
132
The south gets kind of bitter YANKS

15 a And leave it to the south to a. Mall.13.27 7 Which proved that he was ob-
figure out how they should treat b. Exp.1. 7-9 viously presidential material.
all the free black people who c. Ont.1.13 8 In fact, Grant was elected
weren't going to be slaves any- d. Mall. 13.27 president twice,
more. e. Spic.16.5 9 Even though nobody knows
16 bOn the other hand, there are J. Oth.7.22 whether he was born in a log
a lot of white northerners and g. Oth.B.1B cabin or not,
black southerners who think the h. Oth.9.19 10 Although he probably
worst thing about <Reconstruc- i. Dav.22.12 wasn't,
tion was that it didn't last long j.44.22 11 Since the Grant administra-
enough, k. 5.4-7 tion didn't tum out to be very
17 And finally got repealed, I. Psong.41.1-6 honest or great,
18 Because it was really work- m. Frog.9.S 12 At all.
ing the whole time, n. Dav.20.34
19 Even when it didn't look that o. Dav.22.6 CHAPTER 50
way,
20 At all,
p. Dav.22.26-
27
&22.7
I t was during Grant's two
terms in office that the south
21 d And would have given q. 45.5-7 got kind of bitter about how ev-
black people their rights about a r. 20.26-27 erything had turned out.
hundred years before they de- s. Ann. lS. 19 2 In the old days, the south had
cided to go get their rights all by t. Psay.5K.1 lots of kplantations,
themselves. u. Dav.42.15 3 lAnd a lot of money,
22 Still, the one point that all v. Dav.22.6 4 And a lot of big dresses,
Yanks agree on is that "Recon- w. Ed. 71.11 5 m And a lot of fancy parties,
struction was a disaster, one way x. 4B.12 6 nAnd a lot of exquisitely tai-
or the other, lored southern gentlemen,
23 fFor the south, 7 0 And a lot of beautifully fash-
24 gFor black people, ionable southern belles,
25 hAnd for everybody else too, 8 PAnd a lot of poor obedient
26 Except the carpetbaggers. slaves.
9 In the new postwar days,
CHAPTER 49 10 qThe south had a lot of
A ctually, the carpetbaggers
were never very popular
blackened ruins,
11 rAnd a lot of grinding pov-
with anyone, erty,
2 Which is why they finally de- 12 sAnd a lot of white robes and
cided they needed their own hoods made out of old sheets,
president, 13 lAnd a lot of lynching par-
3 One who would be too busy ties,
thinking all the time to keep a 14 U And a lot of disreputable
close eye on Reconstruction, and hard-drinking southern gen-
4 Which is why it was so lucky tlemen,
that iU.S. Grant was available, 15 •And a lot of faded and un-
5 And still every bit as ready for happy southern belles,
great responsibility as he had al- 16 W And a lot of poor black
ways been, freemen who couldn't find ajob,
6 JThinking more and more all 17 xUnless they wanted to run
the time, for the state legislature,
133
YANKS Custer surprises the Indians

18 aOr run from the Ku Klux a.50.13 2 gGeneral Custer was stationed
Klan. b. Lies.14.4 out west somewhere,
19 But that's the way things go c. 7.2 . 3 hIn Indian country,
sometimes, d. 27.10 4 With a cavalry troop that
20 bHistory being what it is, e. Brit.15.3 someone had placed under his
21 And eventually everybody j 20.12 command,
found a new way of life, g. Dav.8.7 5 IProbably after thinking about
22 In spite of Reconstruction, h. Ann. 16. 12 it the way Grant had taught all
23 And the carpetbaggers, i. Vin.49.5 his officers to.
24 And President Grant, j. 21.11 6 Anyway,
25 And everything else, k. Psay.5L.7 7 Custer started following some
26 'Which is about par. 1.48.5 Indian tracks,
Swar. 26. 8-9
8 Which weren't too hard to fol-
m. Dav.23.26
CHAFfERS1 low,
M n. Psp.2.10
eanwhile, the Grant ad- o. Psay.5Q.23
ministration was trying to
9 Because they completely blan-
keted the entire plain, as far as
figure out what to do about the the eye could see.
American Indians, 10 After he had followed them
2 Who were still there, fora while,
3 d And had a whole bunch of 11 Custer came to the conclu-
treaties that said they had a right sion that a frontal assault would
to be where they were, be too risky,
4 'Which was starting to put a 12 And so he decided,
crimp on Manifest Destiny. 13 JWith typical Yank ingenu-
5 It was hard to know what to ity,
do exactly, 14 That the best thing to do
6 Especially since the Yank would be to split up the kSeventh
population as a whole was pretty Cavalry into seven groups,
tired of wars, 15 And then kind of surround
7 And had been so distracted for the Indians and overwhelm them
so long by the Civil War and the with surprise,
negro problem that they had 16 Or something like that,
completely forgotten about the 17 IAlthough nobody knows for
Indians, sure.
8 And what savages they were, 18 And so that's exactly what
9 And how much of a threat mCuster did.
they posed to Manifest Destiny 19 DWhen they found the re-
and the American Way and ev- mains of the Seventh Cavalry a
erything, few days later at the Little Big
10 Until a former union general Hom,
named Custer changed every- 20 There wasn't much left,
thing, 21 °Except maybe a big blood-
11 Overnight. stain marking the spot of Cus-
ter's Last Stand,
CHAPTERS2 22 Which suggested that there
must have been some kind of a
fHere's how it happened. flaw in the general's plan,

134
The Indians don't get to first base YANKS

23 Whatever it was. a. Ext.48.19 side because of Manifest Des-


24 But more important than this b. 120.6 tiny,
was the evidence that Indians c.51.1-4 11 lAnd general principles,
were totally uncivilized, d.52.19 12 Not to mention God,
25 8Meaning they had killed e. Psay.5W.5 13 j And how He feels about de-
and scalped every member of a f Brit.l.9 mocracy and freedom and so
U.S. force that was obviously g. 44.16 forth.
too small to pose any real threat, h. 27.1-6 14 On the other side were the
26 Which just isn't civilized be- i. 12.13 Indians, a bunch of kheathen,
havior, j. Rat.13.]] savage stone age tribes who
27 Not to mention stupid, k. Chr.2.5-8 didn't even know about horses
28 Because if you're the wrong I. Barb.1.8 and guns till the Spaniards
color or nationality, it's never a m. 31.7-8 showed up,
good idea to remind the Yanks n. Dav.23.23- 15 lAnd who couldn't even
24
that you are there, o. Dav.23.41-
make alliances between their
29 Especially by killing some of 43 own tribes,
them, p. Psay.5Q.54 16 Not to mention being in the
30 bBecause nobody knows q. Dav.24.12 wrong,
more about getting even than the r. Dav.23.39-40 17 mBecause why on earth did
Yanks. s. Dav.23.27-38 they need all that land anyway?
t. Dav.23.25-26
u. Dav.23.44-
CHAPTER 53 61 CHAPTER 54
A nd so the Yanks punished
the Indians,
A nd so the Indian wars turned
out to be a particularly glo-
2 A lot. rious moment in Yank history,
3 cit was obvious that any trea- 2 Even though there have been
ties the U.S. had signed with lots and lots of glorious mo-
unchristian savages couldn't be ments for the Yanks,
honored after the terrible thing 3 As any Yank will tell you.
that had happened at the dLittle 4 Thanks to the heroism of the
BigHorn, DU.S. Cavalry,
4 And so they forgot about all 5 °Which always arrived in the
the treaties, nick of time,
5 And fought some elndian 6 PThe Indians never got to first
wars, base,
6 Which were very exciting and 7 And eventually had to give
suspenseful, up,
7 'Because the two sirles were 8 q And stop robbing stage-
so evenly matched. coaches,
8 On one side were the Yanks, a 9 rAnd quit scalping white men,
nation of forty million God- 10 sAnd swear off kidnaping de-
fearing Christians who had just fenseless pioneer babies to raise
fought and won the first gmodern them as bloodthirsty savages,
war in history, 11 t And all the rest of it too,
9 Against themselves, 12 UUntil the wild west had
10 hAnd who had right on their been completely tamed,

135
YANKS The south plunges into a new era

13 And all the brave frontier a. &1.43.6-8 20 Or be a witness in court,


-marshals could put away their b. 48.13 21 lOr use any public facilities
six-guns, c. Ext.39.18-19 of any kind,
14 And breathe free, d.48.15 22 Or own property,
15 Like all the other Yanks back e.7.2 23 JOr have a trial before being
home, f. Psom.59.1-5 executed,
16 Except maybe for the negro g. Gnt.10.18-21 24 Or talk to white women
Yanks, h. Psay.5A.4 without being executed,
Dav.23.13
17 bWho were about to lose all &22.7 25 Or look at white women
the privileges they'd enjoyed &22.26-27 without being executed,
during Reconstruction. i. 149.9-10 26 Or strike a white man with-
j. Frog.16.5 out being executed,
CHAPTERSS k.50.22-26 27 Or be uppity in any way
P resident Grant retired after
his second term,
1.50.14
m. Brit.15.3
without being executed,
28 kUnless they got lynched
2 Which every U.S. president n. Swar.28.1-1O first.
has done, o. Gnt.15.19 29 Even so, things stayed pretty
3 CExcept one, p. Psong.17.1-7 tough in the south,
&50.1-8
4 And went home to think over 30 And a lot of 'southern gentle-
q. Psong.18.1-4
his illustrious career, men had to find new profes-
r. Adam.2.3-1O
5 Until he died. sions,
6 That left it up to a new presi- 31 mBecause they didn't own
dent to decide whether or not the any land or slaves anymore,
south had been reconstructed 32 nWhich is why so many of
enough yet, them even~y decided to be
7 Which it apparently had, drunken southern novelists and
8 Because the new president playwrights,
told the south that they were on 33 And writ~ about how °tragic
their own now, it was to be an Pimpoverished
9 And would have to make do aristocrat in the desolate south.
without any more carpetbaggers,
10 Because it was time to tum CHAPTERS6
over a new leaf,
11 And stop living in the past,
O verall, though, the south
was the only part of the
12 d And get on with things, U.S. that was really desolate.
13 eWhich is the American 2 Out west, everything was go-
Way. ing great,
14 And so the south plunged 3 What with mining of gold and
boldly forward into a rnew era, silver,
15 lAnd rebuilt their planta- 4 And cattle ranching,
tions, 5 q And about a billion acres of
16 And hired a bunch of hex- grain fields,
slaves to pick cotton on them, 6 And no more Indians getting
17 Because it had become kind in the way.
of illegal for ex-slaves to do any- 7 Up north, ·capitalism was
thing else, thriving,
18 Including vote, 8 Because the Yanks had been
19 Or hold public office, paying pretty close attention
136
The Yanks get more industrial YANKS

when the 8industrial revolution a. Brit.28.4-12 work for little more than the
got started in Britain, b. Brit.28./3-16 hope that it would all be differ-
9 And they had never had any c. Adam.15./3- ent for their children,
problem getting lots of bcheap 16 31 rBecause they believed in the
d. Psay.5J.3-4
labor to work twenty or thirty American Dream,
e. Psay.5J.ll-
hours a day in factories, 12 32 Which said that "anyone born
10 ·Since lots of cheap labor j Psay.5J.5-7 in America could grow up to be
was arriving by the shipload in g. Adam. 14. 1- president someday,
New York harbor every day, 14 33 t As long as he was a he,
11 From places like dIreland, h. Adam. 16. 1-8 34 uAnd white,
12 And "Italy, i. Adam. 17.5-9 35 v And didn't talk with a funny
13 And feastern Europe, j. Psom.41.1-9 accent.
14 And everywhere else where k. Brit. 31. 12
there were people who had so I. Brit.5.2-3 CHAPTERS7
little that it seemed better to ex-
change all your worldly posses-
m. Adam.25.6
n. Adam. 25. 5
I n fact, the Windustrial revolu-
tion was so important to the
sions for the price of a steamship 0.29.5 Yanks that they completely
ticket to the New World. p.29.6 stopped making history for about
15 gA lot of these people were q. Adam. 19. 1-3 twenty or thirty years,
regarded as the scum of the earth r. Jefs. 7. 15-17 2 xSo that they could make
by the people back home, s.24.5 money instead.
16 hAnd so they didn't mind be- t. Mawr.22.20 3 YThere were quite a few presi-
ing treated the same way by u. Brd.24.1 dents during those years, of
Yank capitalists who wanted to v. Psom.57.1-3 course,
earn huge profits from the sweat w.56.B 4 But nobody remembers who
of their brow, x. Psong.B.l-ll they were exactly,
y. Psay.5P.I-3 5 zBecause there weren't any
17 As long as they could just
stay in iAmerica, z. Grk.25.7 political issues,
aa. Main.15.10-
18 And not get sent back home, 12
6 Except for the 8atariff ques-
19 And get to bring their bb. Barb.2.13 tion,
jchildren up in America, cc. Krt.9.15 7 Which was important because
20 Where they would learn how dd.24.3 it was the only way to tell Re-
to speak English the k American ee. /3.1-2 publicans from Democrats,
way, ff. Ann. lB. 1-5 8 bbSince the Democrats were
21 lAnd have a chance to get gg. Ann. lB. 7 either for the tariff or against it,
ahead, 9 cc And the Republicans had the
22 Someday. exactly opposite view.
23 Naturally, all of this seemed 10 Actually, about the only way
reasonable to the Yank capital- a president could get any atten-
ists, tion at this point was to be assas-
24 Who proceeded to build gi- sinated,
ant industrial empires, 11 ddWhich some of them were,
25 In businesses like msteel, 12 eeBecause the Yanks have al-
26 And noil, ways been pretty adamant about
27 And °coal, their rights,
28 And Prailroads, 13 IfIncluding the right to free
29 qAnd other stufftoo, self-expression,
30 While the immigrants had to 14 ggAnd the right to bear arms,
137
YANKS The Yanks decide to have a foreign policy

15 BAnd the right to bear arms a. Ann.1B.19 9 The kind of scum who weren't
while exercising your right to b. Ann.1B.l7 at all well bred,
free self-expression, c. 7.2 10 0 And would probably spit to-
16 bWhile firing off a hail of d. Dav.52.20 bacco juice allover the carpet,
bullets at the same time, e. Dav.52.4 11 P And talk about money,
17 If that's the way you want to f Dav.14.21 12 While wearing qcowboy out-
do it, g. Dav.23.1D fits,
18 ·Because that's the American h. 9.10 13 And shooting rsix-guns at
Way, i.1B.1 everything in sight,
19 And always has been. j.20.2 14 And going on and on about
20 Anyway, k. 30.37 the Sgrisly little undisciplined
21 This helps explain why . I. Ext.39.17-19 war they had fought with each
dpresident Guiteau was gunned m. 27.12 other in the Yank wilderness a
down by a dastardly assassin n. 56.10-15 few years back,
named eGarfield, 0.25.1-2 15 'Which wasn't even a war by
22 Unless it was the other way p. Psong.1O.1 European standards,
around, q. &1.46.13-15 16 UBut a lower-class brawl be-
23 And why fpresident McKin- r. Ed.44.4 tween two rival gangs of rabble,
ley got shot by somebody or s. 44.12-16 17 Squabbling about what to do
otherfor some reason or other, t. Brit.5.13-14 with black people,
24 Shortly before gTeddy u. Adam.27.S 18 VEven though the Chosen
AooseveIt became prest'dent,
D v. Oth.7.1-22
Nations of Europe had been
25 Unless it was someone else w. 5B.1B showing everybody what to do
instead. x. Nips.12.2-5 with black people for several
centuries at least.
19 Anyway,
CHAPTER 58 20 After the Yanks had gone
F or a long long time, the
Yanks hadn't had much of a
twenty or thirty years without
having any history to speak of,
foreign policy, 21 They decided that they
2 Because founding fathers like should have some,
bWashington and iMadison, 22 And since they hadn't had
3 Unless it was JMonroe, any foreign policy for practically
4 Had suggested that the U.S. forever,
didn't really need a foreign pol- 23 They decided that might be a
icy, good place to start,
5 k As long as everybody else 24 And besides, they were just
left the Yanks alone, about out of elbow room for
6 ·Which they mostly did, Manifest Destiny at home,
7 Because even the Europeans 25 WAnd who else knew as
were smart enough not to get in much about racial relations as
the way of mManifest Destiny, the Yanks?
8 And besides, getting involved
with the Yanks would mean hav-
ing to deal with all the nscum of CHAPTER 59
the earth that had been kicked
out of all the best nations in
A nd so it happened that
the Yanks helped open up
Europe, 'Japan,
138
Teddy Roosevelt gets famous YANKS

2 aWith the help of bCommo- a. Nips.12.6-7 20 Which always seems to need


dore Perry, b. Dav.lO.lO rescuing,
3 Who convinced the Nips that c. Nips.12.8-9 21 For some reason.
Yanks were nice guys, d. Nips. 12. 10-
4 And even if they weren't all 11 CHAPTER 60
that nice,
5 eThey had bigger guns than
e. Chnk.12.1-7
f 29.6
g.58.25
A ll this foreign adventuring
made Teddy Roosevelt fa-
any of the little Oriental mon- mous,
h. Brit.47.13-15
keys had, 2 Because he was a Rough
i. Exp.1.10-16
6 dWhich explains why the Rider and had helped whip the
j. Spic.lO.1
Yanks and the Nips got to be Spics,
k.28.1
such great friends over the years. 30.1 3 mAt San Juan Hill,
7 "The Yanks also tagged along I. Ann.19.13 4 Which was Spanish,
with the Brits when the British m. Dav.42.29- 5 And had to be captured at all
Empire decided to open up 30 costs,
China, n. Psay.5Y.34 6 DBecause the Spanish had
8 fBecause the Yanks had gotten 0.30.17 treacherously sunk a Yank ship
a lot of practice dealing with p.7.2 called the Maine,
Chinks when they bought a q.30.46-48 7 Which wasn't too smart,
bunch of them to build the trans- r.6O.3 8 0 As their Spic cousins in Mex-
continental railroad a few years s. Dav.30.40 ico could have told them,
back, t. Dav.17.4 9 Because whenever you do
9 gWhich meant the Yanks u.54.2 something to the Yanks,
might be useful if the Brits had v. Dav.14.21 10 No matter how good your
& 30.40
any race relations problems, reasons might be,
10 Even though the Brits never 11 The Yanks will remember it,
had any race relations problems, 12 And get even,
11 hSince the only race the Brits 13 If it's the last thing they ever
thought had any rights at all was do,
the Brit race, 14 PBecause that's the Ameri-
12 Which made everything very can Way.
simple. 15 And so the Yanks remem-
13 When they saw that the Brits bered the Maine,
didn't really want their help, 16 qJust like they remembered
14 The Yanks tried a little free- the Alamo,
lance icolonizing, 17 rAnd "Teddy Roosevelt and
15 And rescued the JPhilippines the tRough Riders charged right
from the Spanish, up San Juan Hill and captured it,
16 Which was getting to be kind 18 Wherever it was,
ofa habit, 19 Which nobody quite remem-
17 kSince the Yanks had already bers,
rescued Texas and California 20 Which doesn't matter any-
and Florida and other places way,
from the Spics, 21 uBecause it was a glorious
18 And had the whole proce- moment in Yank history and
dure pretty well figured out, made Teddy Roosevelt a na-
19 'Including the rescue of tional hero,
Cuba, 22 Which explains why "Teddy
139
YANKS Taft wants to sit on the trusts

was vice president of the country a. 57.21 reads the same way even if you
when apresident Guiteau got b.48.3 hold it up to a mirror,
shot, c. 96.13 20 Or something.
23 Thus making him the young- d. Psay.5Q.47 21 But after the canal was built,
est president in U.S. history, e. Psom.54.5 Teddy got tired of being presi-
24 In spite of the fact that he f. Adam.26.17 dent,
actually had a college degree. g. Hall.8.1-2 22 And told everybody to elect
h. Adam.26.1- someone named kWilliam How-
15
CHAPTER 61 ard Taft,
H owever peculiar his qualifi-
cations were, Roosevelt
i.27.7
j. Spic.JO.2-3
k. Dav.42.15
23 Who weighed four hundred
pounds,
turned out to be a great presi- 24 And wanted to sit on the
I. Psay.5Z.1-12
dent, m. Ann. 18. 12
trusts,
2 Unless he was really a super- n. Psom.44.1-7 2S Just to make sure.
ficial jingoistic jerk instead, & 60.1-2
3 Which is hard to say, o. Spic.4.13 CHAPTER 62
4 bBecause he wasn't born in a
log cabin,
& 5.4-5
p. Ann.17.11-13 A fter Taft got elected, Teddy
went off to 'Africa to hunt
5 <And didn't even spit tobacco q. Dav.26.5-7 for butterflies and tigers,
juice on the carpet. T. Psay.5Y.25
2 And when he had shot all the
6 Even so, Teddy had a big mbutterflies and Rtigers, he came
dstick, home,
7 Which he needed to threaten 3 And was shocked to discover
everybody with, that Taft had messed everything
8 Because the Yanks now had a all up,
foreign policy consisting of not 4 Because he had stopped sitting
taking anything from anybody, on the trusts to go get a snack in
9 eExceptimmigrants, of course, the kitchen.
10 Who were needed in the fac- 5 In fact, Teddy was so mad
tories. that he decided to start a third
11 Teddy also tried to use his party called the Bull Moose
stick on the 'trusts, Party,
12 gBecause nobody trusted 6 0 And run for president against
them anymore, Taft.
13 And thought they should be 7 When all the votes had been
busted, counted, Teddy came in second,
14 hPor some reason. 8 PAhead of Taft, who couldn't
15 It was also Teddy who built run very fast anyway,
the Panama Canal, 9 But behind a man named
16 Including 'appropriating the qWoodrow Wilson,
land from some jindigent Spic 10 rWho became president of
country in Central America, the United States,
17 And commissioning the slo- 11 And changed the course of
gan that got the Yanks to support Yank history forever.
the project,
18 Namely, "A man, a plan, a CHAPTER 63
canal-Panama,"
19 Which is special because it
B y this time, the United
States had kind of sneaked
140
The Yanks are pretty proud of themselves YANKS

up on the rest of the world, a.58.8-18 2 iEven if nobody else in the


2 aWithout the rest of the world b. Exp.l.4-5 world noticed.
noticing much. c. Mall. 6.24-25 3 For example, there was a
3 For example, the Yank love of d.21.6 Yank writer named JJames Feni-
capitalism had made the United e.10.16 more Cooper,
States the richest nation in the f 10.6 4 Who would have been great,
world, g. Barb.3.3 5 Except that the k pony express
4 Even though the Europeans h.33.11 lost his mail-order writing
were just about to start a gigantic i.33.6 course,
war to see who would become j. Dav.9.7 6 ·Or something.
Ed. 64.8
the Most bChosen Nation in the
k. Dav.24.11
world, CHAPTER 66
SAnd didn't even invite the
Yanks to participate,
I. Ira.29.1-2
m. Gyp.3.1-2
n.64.7
T here was another Yank
writer named Washington
6 cBecause they kept forgetting o. Dav.14.20
Irving,
the Yanks were there, p. Psom.11.1-5
2 Who wrote about a funny-
7 Which was basically okay q. Psom.19.1-8
looking guy named mlchabod,
with the Yanks, r. Psom.13.1-5 3 Who had a pumpkin instead of
8 Who were pretty dproud of Pnot.53.1-5 a head,
what they had accomplished s. Dav.40.9 4 Or something,
without much help from the Eu- t. Psom.69.1 5 Which was just great,
·ropeans. & 69.1 6 oIf you like that kind of thing.
& 69.1
9 In fact, the Yanks actually had
u. Pnot.11.1-5
their own culture by this time, CHAPTER 67
10 Even if nobody else would
have called it that,
v. Dav.41.12
& 20.13
T here was a Yank poet named
°Henry Wadsworth Long-
11 Exactly. fellow,
2 Who wrote about PHiawatha,
CHAPTER 64 3 And qPaul Revere,
F or example, in the time since
the Revolution, the Yanks
4 And rEvangeline,
5 And it all rhymed and every-
had produced several artists, thing.
2 Even if nobody else in the
world noticed, CHAPTER 68
3 Because Yank artists painted
pictures of "George Washington,
T here was also a Yank writer
named SHerman Melville,
4 Exclusively, 2 Who loved the sea,
5 Which is fine if you're a 3 And thought that a really good
Yank, novel had to be as long as a
6 And proud of the ffather of transoceanic voyage,
your country, 4 In a 'rowboat,
7 gBut maybe not everybody's 5 Which is why U'Moby Dick'
taste. is so great,
6 Since it's so long that no one
has ever finished reading it,
CHAPTER6S 7 Unless vhe was making a trans-
Y ank culture had also pro-
duced some hwriters,
oceanic voyage in a rowboat,
S And had nothing else to read.
141
YANKS Poe proves that Yanks are sensitive

CHAPTER 69 a. Dav.32.4 10 "Something something,


A nother Yank writer named
BJoseph Conrad liked the
b.
c.
Boul.21.9
Pnot.20.1-5
11 m"Nevermore,"
12 And proves just how great
sea almost as much as Melville, d. Frog.26.16 Poe must have been,
Krt.12.7 13 nUntil he wrote all those hor-
2 bBut his novels weren't quite
as long, e. Ed. 71.11 ror stories,
Grk.13.13-15
3 Probably because English J. Ann.4.l9 14 0 And drank himself to death,
wasn't his native language, Ned.29.7-l0 15 Unless it was the other way
4 Which maybe explains why Psom. 69. 1 around.
Wil.42.15
he picked strange un-American
g. Hill.E.l
sounding titles sometimes, CHAPTER 71
h. Dav.14.26-
5 Like <'Lord Jim ' 27
6 And d'Nostrom~,' & 6.4 There was also PMark Twain,
7 And ·'The Nigger of the Nar- i. Psom.42.1-7 2 Whose name was really some-
cissus.' j. Swar.22.1-6 thing else,
Yks.91.7
8 Well, 3 As every Yank knows,
k. Dav.47.16
9 Maybe not all of his titles are 4 Something having to do with
I. Psom.75.10-
un-American, 11 the qMississippi River,
10 f And besides, it was also m. Brit. 22. 20 5 Which Twain liked to write
Conrad who wrote a book called n. Pnot.51.1-5 about,
'Heart of Darkness,' o. Psom.37.1-6 6 Because it was so full of peo-
11 Which must be pretty good, &24.3-4 ple who talked in funny 'dia-
12 gBecause every Yank has p. Dav.14.26 lects,
Krt.9.15
heard of it. Ira.4.4-7
7 "Which are just hilarious,
q. Ned.42.6
8 If you're a Yank,
r. Psom.36.3-4 9 Including 'Tom Sawyer' and
CHAPTER 70 s. Vin.49.5 I'Huckleberry Hound,'
~ d then there was hEdgar t. Ed. 74.4 10 Which every Yank just
loves,
Ian Poe, u. Brit.29.10-13
2 iFor some reason. v. /ra.12.3-4 11 And knows practically by
3 JIt was Poe who invented the heart,
great Yank tradition that requires 12 Because they're so important
American writers to drink them- to Yank culture,
selves to death, 13 For some reason.
4 Which proves how sensitive
theyare, CHAPTER 72
5 Even though they're Yanks. .t nd Yank culture wasn't just
6 kIt was also Poe who wrote ftlimited to artists and writ-
'The Raven,' ers, either.
7 Which every Yank has to 2 For example, there were Yank
memorize in school and goes architects who were brilliant,
something like, 3 And did a beautiful job of
8 "Once upon a something copying uBrit architecture all
something weary, over New England,
9 '''Over many a quaint and 4 'Not to mention a pretty fair
something volume of forgotten job of copying Spic architecture
something, all over Texas and California,

142
Edison invents absolutely everything YANKS

5 a As well as Frog architecture a. Frog.22.4-5 important an invention as motion


in New Orleans, b.56.5 pictures.
6 And other styles in other c. Dav.42.7
places too, d. Ned.29.5
CHAPTER 74
7 Except in the midwest, of
course,
8 bWhere absolutely everything
e. Dav.14.20
f Zig.2.6
g. Hill.M.1
A nother great Yank cultural
accomplishment was mu-
h. Adam.21.5- sic,
looked like a grain elevator.
16 2 PBecause it was the Yanks
i. Dav.3.6-10 who invented jazz,
j. Dav.7.5 3 qWhich maybe had something
CHAPTER 73
Y ank science was pretty spe-
cial too.
k. Psom.37.3
&24.3-4
I. Dav.I6.2
to do with all the black people in