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2) "Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?"
Groucho Marx
3) "Well, I think we ought to let him hang there. Let him twist
slowly, slowly in the wind."
John Ehrlichman
4) "What you said hurt me very much. I cried all the way to the
bank."
Liberace
12)"I'll bet your father spent the first year of your life throwing rocks
at the stork."
Irving Brecher
16)"If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?"
Charles Pierce
21)"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I
approved of it."
Mark Twain
23)"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you
here."
Stephen Bishop
24)"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with
great pleasure."
Clarence Darrow
26)"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who
annoy me."
Fred Allen
30)"He hasn't an enemy in the world - but all his friends hate him."
Eddie Cantor
34)"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
Mae West
35)"I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the
quickest."
Steven Pearl
36)"I could never learn to like her, except on a raft at sea with no
other provisions in sight."
Mark Twain
37)"Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I
think it's you."
Groucho Marx
39)"Everyone has his day and some days last longer than others."
Winston Churchill
42)"Gee, what a terrific party. Later on we'll get some fluid and
embalm each other."
Neil Simon
45)"You take the lies out of him, and he'll shrink to the size of your
hat; you take the malice out of him, and he'll disappear."
Mark Twain
48)"You were born with your legs apart. They'll send you to the
grave in a Y-shaped coffin."
Joe Orton
49)"Your idea of fidelity is not having more than one man in bed at
the same time."
Frederic Raphael
51)"The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation
but not the power of speech."
George Bernard Shaw
53)"There goes the famous good time that was had by all."
Bette Davis
60)"That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of
them."
Dorothy Parker
66)"She's got such a narrow mind, when she walks fast her earrings
bang together."
John Cantu
69)"She's the sort of woman who lives for others -- you can tell the
others by their hunted expression."
C. S. Lewis
71)"She never lets ideas interrupt the easy flow of her conversation."
Jean Webster
72)"She never was really charming till she died."
Terence
73)"She not only expects the worst, but makes the worst of it when
it happens."
Michael Arlen
74)"You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?"
Groucho Marx
75)"She proceeds to dip her little fountain-pen filler into pots of oily
venom and to squirt the mixture at all her friends."
Harold Nicholson
77)"She was kind of girl who'd eat all your cashews and leave you
with nothing but peanuts and filberts."
Raymond Chandler
80)She could carry off anything; and some people said that she did.
Ada Leverson
83)"She is such a good friend that she would throw all her
acquaintances into the water for the pleasure of fishing them out
again."
Charles Talleyrand
92)"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
Charles, Count Talleyrand
94)"He was one of those men who possess almost every gift, except
the gift of the power to use" them.
Charles Kingsley
95)"He was so crooked; you could have used his spine for a safety-
pin."
Dorothy L. Sayers
99)"He would stab his best friend for the sake of writing an epigram
on his tombstone."
Oscar Wilde
105)"Greater love hath no man than this, to lay down his friends for
his life."
Jeremy Thorpe
108)"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
Winston Churchill
110)"He has sat on the fence so long that the iron has entered his
soul."
David Lloyd George
120)"He is so mean; he won't let his little baby have more than one
measle at a time."
Eugene Field
121)"He is the same old sausage, fizzing and sputtering in his own
grease."
Henry James
131)"A blank, helpless sort of face, rather like a rose just before you
drench it with DDT."
John Carey
132)"A four-hundred-dollar suit on him would look like socks on a
rooster."
Earl Long
140)"He must have had a magnificent build before his stomach went
in for a career of its own."
Margaret Halsey
142)"He was either a man of about a hundred and fifty who was
rather young for his years, or a man of about a hundred and ten
who had been aged by trouble."
P. G. Wodehouse
148)"Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style. It will look
ridiculous year after year."
Fred Allen
151)"His face is livid, gaunt his whole body, his breath is green with
gall; his tongue drips poison."
John Quincy Adams
154)"His voice was the most obnoxious squeak I ever was tormented
with."
Charles Lamb
156)"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception."
Groucho Marx
157)"I see her as one great stampede of lips directed at the nearest
derriere."
Noël Coward
166)"She resembles the Venus de Milo: she is very old, has no teeth,
and has white spots on her yellow skin."
Heinrich Heine
167)"She spends her day powdering her face till she looks like a bled
pig."
Margot Asquith
169)"She was so ugly she could make a mule back away from an oat
bin."
Will Rogers
182)"Once a woman has given you her heart you can never get rid of
the rest of her body."
John Vanbrugh
184)"Women are like elephants to me: nice to look at, but I wouldn't
want to own one."
W. C. Fields
197)"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any
man I know."
Abraham Lincoln
207)"He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that
fool you. He really is an idiot."
Groucho Marx
209)"He never said a foolish thing nor never did a wise one."
Earl of Rochester
210)"He not only overflowed with learning, but stood in the slop."
Sydney Smith
214)"He was distinguished for ignorance; for he had only one idea
and that was wrong."
Benjamin Disraeli
237)"You look into his eyes, and you get the feeling someone else is
driving."
David Letterman
240)"A great many people now reading and writing would be better
employed keeping rabbits."
Edith Sitwell
244)"God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School
Board."
Mark Twain
246)"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions
- the curtain was up."
Groucho Marx
A. E. Housman
249)"Reader, suppose you were an idiot; and suppose you were a
member of Congress; but I repeat myself."
Mark Twain