THE JOURNEY TO INTIMACY

By Michael Heartsong

Love is what happens at the end of a relationship, not at the beginning.

Well, not exactly at the end, but certainly not at the beginning. This is a point
about which a great many people are very confused.

Very often, when two people first meet, or soon after their first encounter, there
is a spark. The spark often quickly becomes a blaze of attraction and passion. We
have all experienced this, perhaps many times. When that happens, we feel we have
finally met the person for whom we have been searching all our life. We are
transported. We are “walking on air”. And most people describe this initial state of
affairs as “being in love”. But it isn’t. Not really. Or, it may be true we are in love,
but definitely not with the other person. At this point in a relationship, we really
know practically nothing—or certainly very little-- about the other person, so it is
really impossible for us to be in love with him or her.

But if this isn’t love, what is it? What is going on? And what is love really?

Masks

In order to understand better what is happening when we first meet and are
strongly attracted to another person, it will help to bring in the concept of masks.

Almost everyone I have ever met is walking around hiding behind one or more
masks or disguises. I have not invented this idea of disguises or masks. It is a concept
used by many people. For example, there is a book entitled Leadership and Self
Deception, published by the Arbinger Institute, that uses this concept. The Catholic
Church sponsors a very effective couples counseling program called Retrouvaille that
uses the same, or a very similar, concept. Some people use the term ‘sub-self’ or
‘aspect of self’ to refer to the same phenomena.

Most of us are not being our authentic selves. This is all the more true when
we first meet someone we think we may be interested in romantically. When two
people first meet, it is not the two people themselves who are first interacting with
each other, it is one or more of their masks. And the sparks that are flying are really
flying between one person’s mask (or sub-self) and the other person’s mask (or sub-
self), not between the people themselves.

Copyright  2008 by Michael Heartsong 1

All Rights Reserved
 Do you remember waking up one day and looking at the person lying in bed
with you, and thinking, “This is not the person I fell in love with two months ago?”
Take a moment, and see if you can remember how many times you have experienced
that moment. It normally happens somewhere between six weeks and six months
after the first rush of euphoria, depending on many different things. It is almost
inevitable that this moment will arrive. In fact, it is only if it does not arrive that you
need to be concerned. Did I mean what I just wrote? Yes, I did. This moment, when
we become disillusioned, and feel the person we are with is not the person with whom
we first fell in love, is actually the point at which it becomes possible to build a
deeply satisfying, long-lasting relationship.

Most people, when they experience this moment, think it is an indication that
things have gone from good to bad. The truth is exactly the opposite. This moment
signals the fact that things have gone from delusional to the possibility of authentic. It
is really a good indication, and reason for hope. One should be concerned only if this
moment never arrives. If it never arrives, then there is little hope the two people will
ever develop a truly authentic relationship. If this all sounds perplexing and
confusing, I understand. My purpose in writing this article is to help make what I
have just written more understandable, if it is not already. But first, when two people
are experiencing that first rush of euphoria, what is really going on?

The Stages of a Relationship

The Retrouvaille program, sponsored by the Catholic Church, suggests that all
relationships go through four stages:

1) Love (or euphoria)

2) Disillusionment (what I described above)
3) Misery
4) Divorce (break up)

Does this seem to describe, in broad outline, your experience of the relationships you
have been in?

Retrouvaille allows for an alternative to divorce, namely Resurrection. Their

entire program is aimed at bringing about a resurrection of a relationship between two
people. By all account, the program appears to be effective. It achieves its success by
giving people tools and techniques they can use to assist in letting go of, and moving
past, their masks. The program appears to enable two people in a relationship to be
more “real” and authentic with each other

Disillusionment
Copyright  2008 by Michael Heartsong 2
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 When you suddenly feel that the person you are with is not the person you fell
in love with at the beginning, what is going on? What has happened?

Well, your feeling is perfectly accurate. The person you are now seeing is not
the person you “fell in love” with. Furthermore, YOU are not the person who did the
“falling in love”.

What has happened is that both of you have let go of the mask (or masks) you
were using as devices to interact with each other. You have let go of your mask, so
YOU are a different person. You are seeing the other person through different eyes, so
the other person certainly appears different to you.

In addition, the other person has probably dropped his or her mask. So not
only are you seeing him (or her) through different eyes, the person you are seeing is
also different, or at least wearing a different mask.

When two people are beginning to develop a relationship, it is virtually

inevitable that this moment of “disillusionment” will arise. Most people judge this
moment as something bad, something wrong, something to be fixed. But the truth is,
it is inevitable and actually very good news. It is a moment of DIS-illusionment,
meaning a moment when (at least some amount of)illusion has ceased. When you let
go of illusion, you open the door to the possibility of reality, or authenticity. And that
has to be very good news.

It is good news because it means that each of you has let go of at least a few of
the masks you are in the habit of hiding behind. If, at that point, two people have the
tools to continue this process of letting go of their masks, eventually they will develop
a relationship based on an understanding of each other that becomes progressively
more and more authentic, more and more deeply emotional, and more and more
satisfying, with each passing day.

Isn’t that what we all desire and yearn for? Of course it is. The problem is that
most people lack the necessary understanding and tools. As a consequence, most
people, after the moment of disillusionment, slide into a period of misery.

Misery

There may be a single moment of disillusionment, followed by a period of

misery. Or there may be a series of moments of disillusionment. After each moment,
one or another or both people cling to the hope that they will be able to regain or
reestablish the “love” they first felt. One or both will have the belief that the person
they thought they first fell in love with is the real person, and this new person,
Copyright  2008 by Michael Heartsong 3
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hopefully, will soon go away, and be blessedly replaced with the person they first fell
in love with. Sound familiar?

The problem is, this is completely wrong and doomed to failure. The truth is,
the person one “first fell in love with”, more often than not, is an illusion, to some
degree. And the person now standing before one, is actually much more a real person,
than the previous illusion. To hope that this real person will disappear and be
replaced by the previous illusion is ridiculous, and completely misguided.
Unfortunately, that does not prevent people from trying. The trying takes many
forms.

One common form is to be critical of the other person, in the hopes of getting
them to change back into the person with whom one first fell in love. Another tack is
to simply ignore the needs and wants the other person is now expressing, that you
want to believe are inconsistent with the person with whom you first fell in love.
Whatever the method, it is approximately at this point in time that the period of
misery begins.

I know you know what I am talking about, when I say the misery begins.
Everyone has experienced it. It is the period when each of you smiles a lot and
pretends everything is fine, when in fact everything feels really awful and you are
both dying inside. It would save everyone a lot of pain if the relationship simply
ended at the moment of disillusionment, or soon thereafter. But it usually doesn’t.
There are many reasons why people stay, which only serves to prolong the period of
misery.

Reasons people stay and prolong the misery

One or another or both people may be more frightened of being along, than in
being in an unsatisfying relationship. Or, one person may be completely oblivious to
the other’s disillusionment. In any event, they are now on completely different pages,
and have no understanding about how to re-establish some commonality. But, instead
of separating, one or another or both hope that maybe they will be able to muddle
through and make something work. So they stay together and continue hoping. But
without an effective conceptual framework, and some knowledge of workable tools,
things are probably not going to get better. In all likelihood, unfortunately, they
usually continue to get worse.

And that is too bad. Because, armed with a workable conceptual framework,
and effective tools, achieving real intimacy, and a deeply satisfying emotional
connection with another human being, is very possible. You probably know—or
know of—a few couples who seem to have gotten there. (Patrick and Lisa Swayze
come to mind, as one example.)
Copyright  2008 by Michael Heartsong 4
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 The trick –the big question—is, how does one get there? Where is the road
map? What are the tools, the techniques, the skills, the understandings that can give a
couple at least a “fighting chance” to go down that road, with every good chance of
experiencing continually deepening intimacy?

Sex and Intimacy Are Not the Same Thing

One thing worth clarifying is the confusion many people have regarding sex
and intimacy. Many people think sex and intimacy are the same thing. They are not.
But this identification is so strong for some people that they actually use the word
‘intimate’ as a synonym for ‘sex’, as in the sentence, “They were intimate with each
other.”

It is possible that people who use ‘intimate’ as a synonym for ‘sex’ may have
no real experience of emotional intimacy. For them, sex and intimacy are one and the
same thing. But that is just for them. In fact, sex and emotional intimacy are very
different things.

You may be the kind of person who, as a general rule, will not have sex unless
you feel emotionally connected to someone. But that is simply your choice. You are
choosing to engage in sex only (or mostly) within the context of some degree of
emotional connection.

It is certainly possible to feel deeply and emotionally connected to someone

with whom you are not having sex, correct? And it is certainly possible to have sex
with someone where there is little or no real understanding or emotional connection.

It is also true that many people use sex as a pathway toward achieving greater
emotional intimacy. Sex is a very powerful experience. Sharing sex with someone,
therefore, often has the effect of creating (or at least creating the illusion of) greater
emotional intimacy. A similar effect is produced when two people share any very
intense experience, such as having their lives threatened. The intensity of the
situation produces the experience of a bond.

But the truth is, all that has happened in such circumstances (sex or other
intense moments), is that the two people have that experience in common. They
really do not know very much more about each other as a result of the experience.
Real intimacy between two people depends upon having a deep and profound level of
understanding about the other person. And there is a limit to how much one can learn
about another person simply from having shared a life-threatening moment, or from
having shared some great sex.
Copyright  2008 by Michael Heartsong 5
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 I happen to think that sex is more likely to be wonderful within the context of
deep emotional intimacy. But that is simply my attitude or belief. It remains true that
sex and intimacy are quite different things. It is possible to have deep emotional
intimacy without sex. It is possible to have great sex without emotional intimacy.
Sex and emotional intimacy are simply not the same thing.

A Metaphor

I have this picture of two people in an old Model T, with no roof, traveling
down the road to greater and greater intimacy. The road at times is often not a four-
lane highway, it is only a dirt road—with potholes. If the car hits a big bump, the
people could find themselves thrown out of the car. In other words, in less prosaic
language, on the road to intimacy one or both people are going to find themselves
having fallen totally out of love. There will very likely be times when the person you
are with—your “traveling companion” as it were—is the person you have the absolute
least interest or desire to be with. All of that is normal and par for the course. It will
happen. It is probably inevitable. Don’t let it faze you. After you’ve hit a
particularly nasty bump, and find yourself in the ditch by the side of the road, stand
up, dust yourself off, maybe walk a little bit to ease the pain of having been thrown
out of the car, but then climb back into the car. And keep going. I can assure you the
prize at the end of this journey is worth the effort—and then some.

Stephen Covey, the author of Seven Habtst of Highly Effective People,

following a lecture he gave, was approached by a man asking for advice. The man
confided in Covey that he was no longer in love with his wife, and asked Covey what
he should do. “Love her,” said Covey.

The man said, “But Mr. Covey, you don’t understand. I am no longer in love
with my wife. What should I do?”

And Covey again replied, “Love her.”

When I first heard that story, I confess I did not fully and comprehensively
grasp the full implication of what Covey was saying. Now, I think I do. It is
something like my recommendation to get back into the car and keep going.

In the final, final analysis, only Love can heal. And Love does heal.

Copyright  2008 by Michael Heartsong 6

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 If we are here on Earth to learn anything (and I do not say we are), then it is to
learn unconditional love—the ability—indeed, the habit—to love in spite of all reason
and excuse not to. To love in spite of any and all invitation not to.

And what better person to practice with than one’s partner in life? In fact, that
might be one very good reason or purpose for being in a relationship: to have the
chance to practice and become ever more skillful at continuing to love in spite of all
reason not to.

Origins of Masks

One could think of the masks we hide behind as disguises or defense

mechanisms. They were born out of fear. Consequently, the common denominator of
all masks is fear. Because of their origin, masks contain the emotion of fear.
Therefore, as you contact a mask—as something in life triggers one of your masks—
you will experience the fear that is part of the make-up of the mask. Most people
misidentify this fear as their own. It is not. It is embedded in the mask. And the fear
will leave just as soon as one has let go of that mask.

But the fact that almost every mask has fear embedded in it, means that the
process of letting go of one’s masks, and moving forward toward greater individual
authenticity, will always be a process of experiencing the fear embedded in each
mask. And that fact makes the journey toward authenticity—and emotional intimacy
—very difficult for most people.

The “trick” is to remember that the fear (and other unpleasant emotions) do
NOT belong to oneself (one’s authentic self), but only to the mask that is in the
process of being let go. Only by re-experiencing the fear that birthed the mask, can
you finally let the mask go. So it is actually good news, and not bad, that one
experiences “negative” or unpleasant emotions on the road to authenticity and
intimacy. Yes, it can be very painful. But the way out is the way through. If you
keep in mind that the source of the unpleasant feelings is the mask you are in the
process of letting go, you will quickly find yourself on the other side, experiencing the
newfound freedom that always comes when a mask has been discarded.

The Road to Intimacy

The journey to intimacy is a journey toward greater and greater personal

authenticity. It is the journey of letting go, one by one by one, the masks we have.

A great gift two people can do for each other is to help each other by creating a
space in which it is safe and possible to let go of one’s masks.
Copyright  2008 by Michael Heartsong 7
All Rights Reserved
 My purpose in what follows is to provide some ideas, tools, techniques,
guidelines, understandings and decisions I believe can help guide people through the
sometimes turbulent waters, and around the inevitable shoals (and past the pot holes),
that will be found on the road to authenticity and emotional intimacy.

Obviously, I don’t have all the answers, nor do I pretend to have. But here are
some ideas, some guidelines, and some techniques that can help.

1.-Be clear about your purpose. Be clear about your purpose for being in—or wanting
to be in—a relationship. Your purpose might be companionship, easy and frequent
sex, having someone else at home so you don’t feel lonely or alone. It might be
wanting to embark on the exciting journey of experiencing greater and grater degrees
of shared understanding and emotional connection with another human being. Ideally,
two people involved in a relationship will have similar purposes for being in the
relationship. Or, failing that, hopefully their different purposes will not be in conflict.
It is hard to build a viable relationship when two peoples’ purposes for being in the
relationship do not align (for example, he wants to achieve emotional intimacy, and
she is only interested in frequent, available sex). However, your purposes may change
because very often what you think is your purpose is really the purpose of one or
more of your masks. As you move forward in a relationship often (hopefully) both of
you will begin sloughing off your masks. And you move closer to your authentic self,
you are likely to discover your purpose, your reason, your motivation for being in the
relationship begin to change and evolve. Just remember that this, too, is good.

2.-Extend only love. Make the decision to be committed to extend only love. The
person with whom you are building a relationship deserves only your love and
respect. No nagging, carping, or making less or making wrong allowed. And it is
absolutely not alright to be critical of your partner to your women or men friends,
behind their backs. This person is your partner, your traveling companion, your
teammate. If you have an issue with your partner, take it up with him or her directly,
using one or more of the techniques below. If there is more energy than you can
handle, then seek the help of an intermediary, whether a professional therapist or just
a good, skilled friend. But don’t ever tear down your partner to your friends, no
matter how intense your feelings. One of the fastest and most certain ways to pour
acid on, and destroy, a relationship is for one (or both) to speak badly of the other to
one’s friends.

3.-Letting go of masks. Keep in mind that you and your partner are encased in many
layers of masks. Initially, the “relationship” between the two of you will be largely a
relationship between one or more of your masks, and one or more of your partner’s
masks. The journey to intimacy involves each of you letting go of your masks. Since
each of us created our masks for what seemed at the time (now hidden in the recesses
of consciousness) like good reasons, letting go of our masks can produce anxiety or
Copyright  2008 by Michael Heartsong 8
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downright terror. It is these masks and the feelings they harbor (and the feelings that
arise when a mask is discarded) that can make the journey of building a relationship
bumpy, rocky or tempestuous—like river rafting in white-water rapids. These masks
and the feelings they harbor are the rocks and shoals and turbulent water that two
people must inevitably navigate their way through, on their journey to intimacy. It is
VERY easy to get thrown out of the raft, or capsize or run aground. The thoughts,
ideas, exercises, techniques and guidelines that follow are designed to help two people
stay in the boat, and successfully navigate the river with its myriad of obstacles.

4.-The problem is never about the other person. Whatever you think is the “problem”,
I assure you is NEVER EVER about the other person. Never ever. Never. Ever. You
are not a victim. No matter what the situation is, if you are there, you had some
measure of responsibility for co-creating it. If you look inside yourself, you will find
inside yourself, exactly the same energy that you are finding objectionable in the
person with whom you are building a relationship. The fact that it seems to you the
person you are with did something you found objectionable—the fact that something
“snagged” for you—is because that something is inside you. You have done to others
precisely what you think the other person has done to you. If the problem were not
inside you, then you would not experience what your partner just did as objectionable.
No matter what your partner does, it something similar doesn’t exist inside you, it will
slide off your back. It will not “snag”. Your may not prefer it. But it won’t be a
problem for you. Therefore, whatever you experience as a problem is NEVER EVER
about the other person. It is only and always about you.

5.-I-statements and you-statements. Only (and always) speak in “I-statements”, never

in “you-statements”. This is one of the most useful and important rules or guidelines.
A failure to follow it is the underlying cause of most disagreements and arguments.
By following this simple guideline, two people will be able to navigate the inevitable
“white water” and potholes they will inevitably encounter on the road to intimacy.

An “I-statement” refers to the speaker and his or her emotions. Thus, “I feel
bad”, “I feel angry”, “I feel hurt and abandoned” are all I-statements. So are
statements like “I feel wonderful”, “I love spending time with you” and “I feel
wonderful when I am around you.”

“You-statements” refer to the person being spoken to, such as “You don’t love
me”, “If you really loved me, you wouldn’t……”, “You are such an idiot.”. Other
you-statements include “You are the most wonderful person in the world” and “You
are prettier (more handsome) than anyone else in the room”.

You-statements condense the space of the person spoken to. You-statements

enforce the speaker’s judgment upon the person spoken to, and give the person
spoken to no room to move.

Copyright  2008 by Michael Heartsong 9

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 By contrast, I-statements give the person spoken to all the room in the world to
move, to navigate, to respond, or not respond and simply be.

For example, the guy always leaves his dirty underwear on the floor. A typical
response might be the woman complaining, “You always leave your underwear on the
floor. I’m not your mother, you know. Can’t you do anything for yourself?” This is
an example of a you-statement.

A better way would be for the woman to say, “John, I love you very much.
And I love being with you. And I feel discounted (or dishonored or taken for granted,
or whatever) when you leave your dirty underwear on the floor.” In this alternative,
the woman is merely describing her feelings. She is not attacking the guy. She is
simply reporting to him her feelings around something he does. This leaves him with
plenty of room to be self-determined and decide whether or not it is important to him
to adjust his behaviour or not. (In principle, no one should ever feel attacked by I-
statements. If a person feels attacked by genuine I-statements, such a person has
some really deep psychological and emotional issues that probably need professional
help. And, maybe, you would be better off finding a different “traveling companion”
on your journey to intimacy.)

I said “genuine” I-statements, because sometimes people will make try and
disguise you-statements as I-statements. “I feel you are an idiot” is an example of a
you-statement. True I-statements simply report the speaker’s emotions and/or state of
mind. They are non-aggressive and do not in any way describe, judge or impose
values on the person spoken to.

Feelings are anything, any word that you can put immediately after the words
“I feel”. If, in order to say what you want to say, you find yourself adding the word
“like” after the words “I feel”, that is NOT an I-statement. “I feel like you don’t love
me” is NOT an I-statement. “I feel unloved” is an I-statement. There is a very big
and very important difference.

Many people are addicted to using you-statements, and it will take time and
practice to get out of that old habit, and into the new and refreshing habit of only and
always using I-statements. I assure you, it is vital that you do this. It will be well
worth the effort.

6.-The intensity of your feelings does not give you the right to use you-statements.
I have met many people who, judging from their behavior, believe that the intensity of
what they are feeling provides justification for being uncivil or using you-statements.
In other words, if something inside them (a mask) has gotten “triggered” but the
emotion is not very intense, they may abide by the important I-statement guideline.
However, if what gets triggered is VERY strong and intense, those same people will
justify their use of you-statements by the strength and intensity of the emotions that
Copyright  2008 by Michael Heartsong 1
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have welled up. Perhaps you have experienced such a person yourself? (Perhaps you
are such a person?) Well, the fact is, the strength or intensity of an emotion you are
feeling is NEVER justification for using you-statements or being abusive or uncivil in
any other way. The intensity of your feeling is NOT justification. The feeling may be
so strong that it will overwhelm you, like a wave at the beach crashing around you
and turning you head over heels. The feelings may be so strong that you will be
unable to control your behavior, and you will “dramatize” the emotions and possibly
lash out at your partner. This can happen. None of us is perfect—in fact, far from it.
And it is precisely in such moments that the partner who is not triggered (or who is
less triggered) has the burden of responsibility to maintain as even a keel as possible,
and help the triggered partner through these really turbulent waters. The point is not
that such moment should never occur. It isn’t about “should”. Such moment are
inevitable. They will occur. What is important to understand and know is that, even
though they will happen, they are NOT justifiable, and certainly not justifiable by the
strength or intensity of the emotion that is overwhelming one. Later on, when the
danger has passed, and the emotions have played themselves out, there will be time
for “thank you’s” and “I’m sorry’s”. More about that later.

7.-Share your feelings. It should be obvious that one cannot experience emotional
intimacy with another person unless one shares one’s feelings with the other person.
Feelings are things you experience in your body, not ideas in your mind. Many years
ago, people would accuse me of “being in my head”. At the time, I objected. I said to
myself, I know what anger is, I know what sadness is. I’m in touch with my feelings.
But I wasn’t. What I was in touch with were ideas of feelings. And ideas exist only
in the mind. Fortunately, I had an experience that showed me the difference, and put
me in touch with real emotions flowing through my body. You cannot let go of your
masks except by allowing the feelings emitted by the mask to be expressed through
you. If you stay in the realm of ideas, you will not discard your masks, and you will
never achieve—or experience—real emotional connection with another human being.
Sorry to be the bearer of this news, but that is just the way it is. So it is vital for both
people to be in touch with their actual feelings (rather than just ideas of feelings).
And it is vital that both people be willing to share their feelings with their partner
(terrifying though this may be, which, by the way, is itself a very real feeling worth
sharing). Just please keep in mind that this is NOT permission to “dump” on your
partner. Keep in mind the guideline about I-statements.

8.-Treat your partner as a person, not an object. The Arbinger Institute publishes a
book entitled Leadership and Self-Deception. It is worth reading. One of the concepts
discussed is the idea that each of us has the choice whether to treat other people as
people, or as objects. If you treat another person as either a)someone who can give
you what you want; or b) someone who is preventing you from getting what you
want; or c) irrelevant to your efforts to get what you want; then you are treating that
person as an object. (The alternative is to feel, experience, and treat another person as
someone just like you, with the same hopes, dreams, desires, frailties, abilities, as you
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have.) Most people, unfortunately, enter into a relationship with the intention and
desire (often unconscious) to get something from the other person: sex, love,
affection, financial security, companionship. The partner is simply an object whose
job is to give you that which you need or desire. This is not a good basis on which to
begin building a relationship. But don’t give up hope. As with many things in life,
this impulse to treat another simply as an object is NOT coming from the authentic
you. Rather, it is behavior being dictated by one or more of your many masks.
Eventually, if you are committed to pursuing this path, those masks will be sloughed
off, enabling you to regard your partner more and more as a person, and less and less
simply as an object.

9.- Remember that men and women are different. Let me tell you a cute story. Once
upon a time there was a little girl and a little boy. They were the very best of friends,
and loved each other dearly. Once they went to a lake to swim. When they got there,
the little girl went into the bushes to change, and the little boy went into the bushes
some distance away also to change clothes. They came out of the bushes completely
naked (keep in mind they were only five years old) and, after looking the little girl up
and down, the little boy exclaimed, “I never knew there was such a difference
between a Protestant and a Jew!” Well, boys and girls (men and women) are very
different, and in ways that go far beyond physiology. This is at the core of John
Gray’s book, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. His point is that the
differences between men and women can be compared to differences between very
different cultures, such as Japan and the United States. (The same point was earlier
articulated by Deborah Tannen in her ground-breaking book, You Just Don’t
Understand: Men and Women in Conversation. I highly recommend it.) If you are
involved in a relationship with a member of the opposite sex, then it will be very
helpful to keep in mind that men are women come from very different “cultures” and
speak quite different languages (even if it sounds as if both are speaking English).
But, rather than being an obstacle, these differences can actually be a pathway toward
greater intimacy—if they are approached properly.

9.-Differences will open the door to intimacy. Many people, especially when they
have entered the phase of Misery, begin complaining about the ways in which their
partner is different from themselves. In doing this, they are missing a wonderful
opportunity to move toward intimacy. Rather than using differences as a basis for
complaining, think of the differences as doorways toward greater understanding and
love. Make a commitment to explore all those things about your partner that are
different from you. In particular, explore all those things about your partner that
annoy you or distress you. By ‘explore’ I mean get curious, genuinely curious.
Without judgment, and in genuine curiosity, being the trait to your partner’s attention,
and ask him (or her) why he (or she) does that. What feelings was she feeling just
before she did that(whatever it was)? Be genuinely curious. And listen loudly.
Listen with your heart, not your ear or your mind. You may be startled by what you
learn, and blessed to have learned it.
Copyright  2008 by Michael Heartsong 1
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10.-Sit facing each other and do nothing. Wonderful things can happen just by sitting
and facing each other, with your knees about six inches apart. Look each other in the
eyes. This is NOT about staring, or having any attitude whatsoever. It is about
simply be present with each other. It is about being present and DOING NOTHING.
It is very difficult for most people simply to do nothing. You will have an urge to
laugh, to fidget, to itch and scratch. Simply notice and acknowledge these urges, and
do not give in to them. If you find yourself laughing uncontrollably, that is fine. Let
the laughter exhaust itself, then recompose yourself, and continue. The laughter, the
itching are simply indications of masks peeling off. This exercise peels off masks. It
is very simple, but not easy to do. It is well worth the effort. Doing this for a few
minutes every day will produce benefit beyond your expectations. And it is especially
good to do if you find yourself in the midst of a serious or not so serious argument
with your partner. Instead of continuing trying to make each other wrong (and
yourself right), sit down and just be present with each other until the desperate urge to
make the other person wrong has gone away. (Almost all arguments—not all, but
almost all—are simply masks locking horns. No one is a winner when masks have
locked horns. Even if your mask wins, YOU lose.)

11.-Spooning. Spooning is a wonderful way for two people to get back into
communication, if there has been a rupture in the fabric of their relationship. It is an
excellent way to continue weaving the fabric, even if there has been no rupture. It re-
establishes the co-incident energy fields of two people. Spooning, as you probably
know, is where two people lie on their sides, nestled against each other, like spoons.
One person’s back is nestled against the other person’s front. If one person is upset or
in the midst of an issue, that person should have his or her back against the other
person’s front. The person behind has an one arm under the other person’s head, and
one draped over the front person’s torso. Don’t talk. Just nestle and allow your
energy fields to get back into synchronous rhythm. Keep lying there until you feel
this happening. Give it at least twenty minutes or more.

12.-Receive, duplicate, understand AND acknowledge EVERY communication that

comes your way before doing anything about it. Please re-read that sentence. Most
people do not really and truly listen to each other. Most people are already planning
what they intend to say, before the person speaking has even finished (an incredibly
rude practice). As a result, real communication never happens. And without real
communication, there can be no understanding. Without understanding, there can
never be authenticity, intimacy, or love. So taking the time to allow real
communication to occur is more than important—it is vital. And the way to ensure
that real communication is occurring is to be sure YOU have listened to what the
other person is saying, and taken the time to understand it, and acknowledge it,
BEFORE doing anything about it. You ‘acknowledge’ it simply by doing or saying
something to let the other person know you heard what was said. This does not mean
you agree with it. It simply means you heard it, and you respect the person’s right to
have spoken and said what he or she said. Getting angry, feeling hurt, talking before
Copyright  2008 by Michael Heartsong 1
All Rights Reserved
the other person has finished are all examples of “doing something”. Instead, make it
a habit to DO NOTHING until you have listened, heard, understood and
acknowledged EVERY communication that comes your way. Practice doing this, and
your life will change in ways you could never have imagined. (An excellent way to
ensure you have heard what the other person has said, AND ensure the other person
feels heard—which is very important—is to repeat back to the speaker your
understanding of what you heard. This simple practice can be eye-opening and
revelatory: most people are amazed to discover that, in fact, they did NOT hear
clearly what the speaker just said. Now the speaker has a chance to say again what he
or she said, and the listener has a new opportunity to listen closely in order to
duplicate, hear and understand exactly what the speaker is saying, rather than some
distortion in the listener’s mind.)

No Need to Wait

Obviously, there is no need to wait until a relationship has descended into

misery to being using these tools and techniques. On the contrary, armed with these
tools, a couple can begin “resurrecting” their relationship every day, every day
making it better and better, accomplishing more and more understanding of each
other, gaining greater and greater intimacy and love.

Eventually, as time goes on, love grows bigger, deeper and higher—like
building a skyscraper of love, brick by brick.

That’s why I began this article with the idea that “love is what happens at the
end, not the beginning.”

Whatever that initial euphoria is, it is NOT real love. It feels great, it is
intoxicating beyond belief. But it isn’t love.

But guess what? If two people do this right, it is perfectly possible to create
newly, in present time, that very same (or equally satisfying) quality of euphoria and
ecstasy—only this time, it will be co-created and it will be between the people
themselves, not their masks.

Two favorite quotes

I’d like to end by sharing two favorite quotes about love. The first is from the
Bible, I Corinthians 13:4-8:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy,

it does not boast, it is not proud.
Copyright  2008 by Michael Heartsong 1
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 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily
angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the

the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always
hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails

The second quote is from the French philosopher Teilhard de Chardin:

Someday, after mastering the winds, the waves, the tides

and gravity, we will harness for God the energies of Love. And
then, for a second time in the history of the world, Man will have
discovered fire.

May you experience ever-deepening joy, awe and wisdom on your journey to
intimacy and love.

Contact information: email: msheartsong8@gmail.com

Copyright  2008 by Michael Heartsong 1

All Rights Reserved