Your Best Relationship Now

The Bible's Five Big Steps to A Successful Relationship

Clayborn Collins, PhD

Introduction
Most failed relationships experience a multitude of small, sometimes silly, or even stupid problems. These form what I call the Ticking Time Bomb. ...tick tick tick... I served in the military for several years working with explosives. Every explosive device must have some sort of fuse. Some fuses are extremely short and burn out before you know it. Some are quite long and surprise you by how drawn-out mere minutes can seem when you're waiting for a BOOM. In any case, the length of the fuse depends on the nature of the bomb and what it was designed to do. Ultimately, when the bomb explodes, it destroys everything in a certain radius. Too much powder and it can even devastate things beyond that radius, things no one could have predicted. One way or another, powder makes its way into the bomb. One way or another, all the right ingredients for an explosion get put into place. And one way or another, somebody or something lights the fuse. All relationships, at some time or another, experience shakiness or trouble. It's unavoidable. It's part of human nature: But a person is born for trouble as surely as sparks fly up from a fire (Job 5:7). What's important to realize is that big trouble 2

explosive troublemay demolish relationships suddenly, but some habit or attitude or pride had been pouring powder into the relationship and preparing that explosion for a substantial period of time. You and your neighbor, for example, might have an agreement that he will cut your grass every time he cuts his if you will weed his yard when you weed yours. It's a reasonable exchange. But say your neighbor doesnt cut the grass for a while and your grass is getting taller than you like it. You get irritated and weed both yards thinking this may spark him to cut the grass. Well, it doesnt. Okay. So you go and cut your own grass, not his. The arrangement didn't work out and you let it go. Then say your neighbors dog starts coming over and messing in your yard. Your neighbor never cleans it up. You do. When you tell your neighbor, they agree to keep the dog under control. But one day you get home from a hard day of work and step square in the neighbors dog's mess. Its all over your brand new shoes. You put your garbage out on Mondays for a Tuesday morning pickup. The neighbors kids always knock over your garbage and dont pick it up and on this particular Tuesday the garbage people dont pick up your garbage because by the time they arrived it was scattered all over the yard and street. 3

Before long, you reach a point where you cant take it anymore. You're at wit's end. You're ready to let your tongue flay your neighbor. You mean to tell them what you think of themexcept you're a Christian. How much are you supposed to take? Maybe Jesus could turn the other cheek once more, but you feel like you can't take anymore. You feel beat up, disrespected, dishonored. You feel like saying something, at the very least, will put an end to all the annoyance and grief your neighbor is causing you. Well, congratulations. You have just successfully made this whole series of incidents all about you. You've helped assure that a relational time bomb will indeed explode. But what if you could defuse the bomb? Do you know how? It's simple. Remove the fuse. Remove the part that can ignite the powder. In other words, get beyond Blame and focus on Solution. What you need is a clear mind and focusing on changing the situation is far wiser than focusing on how angry it makes you. This simple awareness, and the purposeful focus that comes with it, will allow you to think clearly about what has happened, to address the events with effective action, and to salvage your endangered relationship. Address your concerns when they occur. Don't wait or wait only long enough to know, for your part, that you've taken blame out of your response. Let the other 4

person blame themselves for their part in your troubles, and, if they're really to blame, hopefully they'll apologize. Even if they dont apologize, however, don't get hung up on it. Choose to move past your feelings and work instead for a sustainable, satisfying solution. If improved communication or a change in living patterns is part of the solution, you'll know. Acting in reactionary anger, however, will accomplish nothing more than lighting that unseen fuse. Blame needs to go. Get rid of it. It doesnt bring about solutions or change. If you stop and look at a particular situation, odds are there will be blame enough to go around. Stop and see things through the other's eyes. When we do this our faith and character increase. We mature as people and as Christians. Blame is not important. What counts is forgiveness and transforming love. Not only are these fundamental principles for living in the Spirit, they're basic principles for turning your life from a sizzling fuse and an impending boom, to one of peace, patience, and happiness.

Overview
Change, for everyone, happens when we encounter a good enough reason. Pain is the classic example. We change our behavior as children because our parents discipline us. They give us (or at least our bottoms) a good enough reason to stop one way of living and begin another. We change our behavior as adults because we smack up against the laws of physics, the laws of society, the laws of God. These laws teach us the truth of the old saying, If you go against the grain of the universe, you're going to get splinters. A person's relational maturity is marked by a growing realization that we are the reason for most of our relationship failures. As we mature, we increasingly understand the explosive nature of our self-centered habits and narrowmindedness. Then, when we've experienced enough relational pain and failure to be honest with ourselves, we have to admit that most of the time we've chosen to point the finger at others without first engaging in a healthy dose of self-critique. It is only then that we really discover our issues. I-S-S-U-E-S. These Issues, both seen and unseen, realized or unrealized, usually boil down to one thing: IS U. In other words: it's you! Part of you is at work in this and any other 6

situation. How mature are you? Do you really have enough confidence and honesty to take a look at yourself, admitting your own faults and lack of purpose for a given relationship? The first step to defusing your relational time bombs is to get real about addressing your own issues and problems. Once you do that, you can get real about improving your relationships, not only with friends and family and enemies but with God as well. It is Jesus, after all, who calls us to take the plank out of our own eye before trying to pluck out the speck in someone else's. We dont like to see ourselves as manipulative, but the reality is that we have been manipulative all our lives. We were born that way. We learned at an early age that if we acted a certain way we would get our needs met. As a baby, youd cry so someone would stick a bottle in your mouth or change your diaper. How much of that do you do today in your relationship? Your methods have hopefully changed (and your needs too!) but I'll bet you still act and react to get what you want. It is human nature to manipulate circumstances toward our desired outcomes. It is secondnature, on the other handthat is, Spirit natureto step back and know ourselves well enough to act in love, not merely in selfishness. If you are ready to really get honest you will realize that it's our failure to take the Spirit nature seriously that usually results in our relational explosions. Often times, we 7

dont really want to expose our hidden agendas. We want to manipulate our situation toward the outcome that best meets our desires. That's why transparency is the first things to get into your head. Right here and now. Get ready to be challenged to be 100% honest, with yourself, with God, and sooner than later, with others. Until you are honest you will not grow or mature in Christ. Once you're prepared to be honestbrutally honest you're ready to proceed. In the pages that follow you will learn five essential parts to a true Christian relationship. The lessons aren't complicated, but they are direct. Some of you may get offended by what I say. That is okay. My aim is to strengthen and clarify the way you think about relationships. And I've learned that we often learn best when we're confronted, challenged, called out. Something has to strike at the core of our soulthen we wake up and are ready to change. Although I employ Christian spiritual language, the following lessons will benefit anyone willing to sit with them in honest thought. I want to challenge you where you live and how you live presently, not where you want to be or even a perception of where you are going. In order for you to receive this message you really need to understand that I am speaking to what you are doing right now. None of this is 8

about your future or your past. In fact, in order to have a chance at reconciling past relationships or forming healthy future relationships, you need to grapple not with your regrets or your dreams, but with your front-and-center you. It's your current habits, attitudes, and beliefs that we're talking about here. You have to put them all on the table. Get ready to be honest about them. Get ready to cut many of them loose. In this book you will learn that the Bible is broken up into five sections, each one illustrating the stages of growth necessary for a successful relationship. The Old Testament of the Bible represents Preparation. The synoptic gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke) represent Manifestation. The book of Acts represents Propagation. Explanation we find in the Epistles, starting with Romans. And the fifth stage, represented by the book of Revelation, is Consummation. Five parts of the Bible: five stages every successful relationship must pass through. Each is vital in learning how to foster your best relationship now. First, to understand why we should look to the Bible in seeking wisdom for our relationships, consider a simple story about a famous electrical engineer named Charles Steinmetz. After he retired, he was asked by a major appliance manufacturer to locate a malfunction in their electrical equipment. None of the manufacturers experts 9

had been able to locate the problem. Steinmetz spent some time walking around and testing the various parts of the machine complex. Finally, he took from his pocket a piece of chalk and marked an X on a particular part of one machine. The manufacturers people disassembled the machine, discovering to their amazement that the defect lay precisely where Steinmetzs chalk mark was located. Some days later, the manufacturer received a bill from Steinmetz for ten thousand dollars. They protested the amount and asked him to itemize it. He sent back an itemized bill: Stick of Chalk Knowing Where to Mark with It $1.00 $9,999.00

If you know where the chalk mark goes, the most overwhelming tasks are easily solved. If you dont, even simple tasks can be impossible. Learning and understanding the Bible as it relates to your everyday life can be the same way. If you understand its wisdom, acting to change things for the better is simple. The following five lessons will help you know how and where to begin changing in order to experience everything God has for your relational life.

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Preparation
Every relationshipa work relationship, a relationship with a neighbor, or even an intimate relationship with your materequires preparation. You can't simply show up and wing things and be at your best. Maybe you'd like to believe you can, but what you're thinking of as 'your best' is really 'your lazy best.' Think of how much more engaged, influential, and effective you would be with careful prayer and preparation. The Old Testament (OT) represents humanity's phase of preparation for receiving Christ. The OT lays down the laws that teach us God's standards for relationship. It also establishes a framework of purity and sacrifice that teaches us what God expects from humanity. It portrays Israel's long, costly struggle to become a people ready to welcome Christ. Israel's triumphs and failures provide us with examples of how we, too, should live in order to be ready for Christ. Growing up in a small town in Arkansas, I quickly recognized that relationship dynamics in small towns are tricky because everyone thinks they know everyone. People who grow up in the area know many details about neighbors and their families, which makes it easy to hold preconceived notions about them. So, in essence, nobody really knows most of the people they claim to know, but live instead based 11

off what they've heard or seen, things that may or may not show others in the best possible light. Everyone is in everybodys business to some degree. You hear something about someone, you know the family, but you dont really know that person. Still, you pass judgment on that person based on a very lazy, unexamined, instinctual bit of information. This is the habit of gossip and prejudice. We all do it, but its not right. Its not Christ-like. Why cant we just mind our own business? Or, if we want to establish a relationship with that person, why don't we at least have the integrity to get to know that person in a quality way? When we fail in these ways, we are not preparing ourselves for the blessing of the possible relationship God Himself may have set before us. If youve heard something about someone and you want to know if its true and you think you have the right to know: just ask the question. Be forthright. Be honest. It's as simple as that. The key word here is right. Do you think you have a right to know? If so, why? How is knowing going to help you in any way other than to satisfy your curiosity? If you don't have a good answer you're simply being nosy. And no one likes nosy people. In the preparation portion of any relationship it is important to recognize some things about yourself. First: do you tend to judge someone before you know them? 12

Why do you criticize or despise other Christians? Everyone will stand in front of God to be judged. Scripture says, 'As certainly as I live,' says the Lord, 'everyone will worship me, and everyone will praise God'(Romans 14:10-13, GW). All of us will have to give an account of ourselves to God. So let's stop criticizing each other. Instead, you should decide never to do anything that would make other Christians have doubts or lose their faith. So in preparing yourself to be a friend, you need to be delivered from passing judgment. I know its easier said than done but we are all works in progress. Hopefully, as we move forward with honesty, we can grow through our trials. Besides, always remember that judging people reflects at least as much on you and your character as on the person you judgeregardless of whether you're right or not. I remember when I was a hiring manager for a local nonprofit organization and needed to hire a case manager. I interviewed several people and none of the applicants was what I was looking. Meanwhile, I refused to consider a current employee who had applied for the job. I refused to consider this person because they werent that articulate and they spoke really simple English. They dressed neatly enough, but nothing fancy. They didnt have the best hair style, but it was clean. All in all, I had it in mind that I was looking at an average person who would do at best average 13

work. My belief was based strictly on initial appearance and speech. Eventually, because I didnt have another satisfactory candidate, I hired this person for the job. It was one of the best hires Ive ever made. It also taught me the biggest lesson I have ever learned about people. When you hear that clich, you cant judge a book by its cover, trust me: it couldnt be truer. This person went on to work for the agency for 10 years and, afterwards, started a business that is very successful today. Consider the following injunctions from the Bible: Stop judging so that you will not be judged. Otherwise, you will be judged by the same standard you use to judge others. The standards you use for others will be applied to you. So why do you see the piece of sawdust in another believer's eye and not notice the wooden beam in your own eye? How can you say to another believer, Let me take the piece of sawdust out of your eye,' when you have a beam in your own eye? You hypocrite! First remove the beam from your own eye. Then you will see clearly to remove the piece of sawdust from another believer's eye (Matthew 7:1-5, GW). Don't be corrupt when administering justice. Never give special favors to poor people, and never show preference to important people. Judge your neighbor fairly (Leviticus 19:15, GW). 14

But the Lord told Samuel, Don't look at his appearance or how tall he is, because I have rejected him. God does not see as humans see. Humans look at outward appearances, but the Lord looks into the heart (1 Samuel 16:7, GW). We are so quick to size each other up! In doing this, you may just dismiss your soul-mate because he or she didnt fit a particular mold that you have developed in your mind. For all you know, you caught them on one bad day. Your lack of preparation in attitude and patient vision led you to be rude or dismissive and, in turn, you missed an opportunity to shed the best possible light on yourself. Again, transparency is key. It is a vital part of preparation to routinely acknowledge our own faults. We are not perfect. We are far from perfect, and we need to remember that if we are to meet people with fairness and love. For those of us who follow Jesus, we have no excuse, because it is through the grace of God alone that we are saved. We should be the first to recall that we werent always so holier-than-though. I heard someone say that we can become so spiritually minded that we are of no earthly good. Wow, what a way to start a relationship! We need to remember where we come from and thank God humbly for our deliverance and to continue praying humbly for deliverance. So in the preparation phase we should recognize that 15

we personally are not at all everything God wants us to be. As a matter of fact, we fall way short. Our saving grace, though, is Gods mercy and forgiveness. As long as we continue to judge people unfairly and jump to conclusions and talk about folks without loving them, understand this: the devil is winning. We need to take every opportunity we can to hit the devil over the head with truth and revelation. This means learning what God desires of us and making every effort to get better every day. Again I know it is easier said than done, but if we make an effort to change, God will show that He is already way ahead of us and will Himself do the good work.

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Manifestation
The manifestation period of a relationship can be understood by studying the New Testament's Synoptic Gospels, which reveal Jesus Christ and all of His miracles. Just as the Gospels focus on getting to know who Jesus really is and what He is really about, so every healthy relationship will go through a phase in which the character and lifedirection of a potential partner is recognized and celebrated. So don't be afraid of them. Nothing has been covered that will not be exposed. Whatever is secret will be made known (Matthew 10:26, GW). True self-revelation is vital from the beginning because that initial honesty and vulnerability will determine the patterns of intimacy and relationship that follow. In the introduction, we considered how the ticking time bomb can demolish relationships. The manifestation phase of a relationship may prove painful because it reveals to two people that they should not go further into intimacy and interdependence, but, in the long run, it can spare them much pain and anguishand perhaps even more importantly, it allows them to preserve a life of truth and honesty instead of self-serving self-deception. In other words, true and honest preparation allows you to share yourself in true and appropriate self-revelations. These will allow you and anyone you're in relationship with to 17

see the potential pitfalls and prospects between you and then make mutually-honoring, and God-honoring, decisions. Jesus said to them, 'Does anyone bring a lamp into a room to put it under a basket or under a bed? Isn't it put on a lamp stand? There is nothing hidden that will not be revealed. There is nothing kept secret that will not come to light. Let the person who has ears listen!' He went on to say, 'Pay attention to what you're listening too {Knowledge} will be measured out to you by the measure {of attention} you give. This is the way knowledge increases. Those who understand {these mysteries} will be given {more knowledge}. However, some people don't understand {these mysteries}. Even what they understand will be taken away from them' (Mark 4:21-25, GW). Listening to what is said in conversation is as important as whats not said. Some things to listen for are obvious. How, for instance, does this person relate to other people? Do they love Christ? The manifestation phase is an exploratory one in which we give special attention to unanswered questions. One thing I encourage you to do is ask whatever question you may have. Dont assume anything good or bad at this point, and be careful to ask your questions in ways that make your motives clear. You don't want people guessing at the motives behind your interest and 18

getting them wrong! One particularly important thing to listen for during this phase is how the other person refers to others. Do they have good things to say about their co-workers or are they critical? This may say a lot about underlying heart attitudes. You should also listen carefully not only to what they say about other folks, but also the tone in which they say things. Listening to how something is said is almost as important to listening to what is said. Men and women who are in this phase can usually tell how they will be received in stressful times by observing how a potential partner treats their parents in tense situations. How do they refer to their parents? Do they speak lovingly about their parents? If so, they will probably be loving to you in tough times. They probably will be kind to your loved ones as well. However, if they are nasty and mean to their parents, who raised and sacrificed their entire lives for them, they are likely to be mean to you and your loved ones when times get a little stressful. The real person will then come out.

Therefore, don't judge anything before the appointed time.

Wait until the Lord comes. He will also bring to light what is hidden in the dark and reveal people's motives. Then each person will receive praise from God (1 Corinthians 4:5, GW). 19

So patience here is needed. Dont be in a hurry to move forward until all things have been revealed to you. You should ask simple questions such as: How is your credit? If they have bad credit you should ask them why. An evasive answer will tell you a lot! An honest answer will too! Is there any baby mamma/daddy drama? If so, ask the question about what caused the tension in the first place. If you have a child from a previous relationship, why cant you be civil for the childs sake? If there was a split, why and was it a clean break? The answers to these questions will tell you a lot about the person. It will tell you about their ability to be honest in relationship issues. It will also tell you about the love this person has for their child. It will tell you if this person is selfish, if they make everything about them and not the child. It will tell you where their priorities are currently. The point is: dont be afraid to ask questions. Just as Jesus revealed himself in the Synoptic Gospels, so you should reveal yourself to your partner and vise/versa. For Christians, this should be basic stuff. Your faith in God is paramount. If you truly believe in God, you'll put honesty over manipulation and honor God and your neighbor above yourself. When you do so, you will be able to make decisions based on where the Spirit is leading you and not where the flesh is leading you. There must be true transparency. The agenda should be clear and plain. You want to learn about 20

your partner and you want them to learn about you. Don't work to create a time-bomb fairy tale that will explode in pain and disappointment. Work instead for a real, true, beautiful relationship in which you really know and are known. This is the message we heard from Christ and are reporting to you: God is light, and there isn't any darkness in him. If we say, 'We have a relationship with God' and yet live in the dark, we're lying. We aren't being truthful. Once you lived in the dark, but now the Lord has filled you with light. Live as children who have light. Light produces everything that is good, that has God's approval, and that is true. Determine which things please the Lord. Have nothing to do with the useless works that darkness produces. Instead, expose them for what they are. It is shameful to talk about what some people do in secret. Light exposes the true character of everything because light makes everything easy to see. That's why it says: 'Wake up, sleeper! Rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you' (Ephesians 5:8-14, GW). Its not easy to talk about transparency, let alone to be transparent. Manifestation is hard. Its hard to tell the real truth to anyone, let alone someone you want to be in relationship with. But if you want to avoid the heartache of wasted life, wasted energy, and wasted opportunity, wake up and take 21

manifestation seriously.

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Propagation
The propagation phase of a relationship corresponds to the church's new relationship with God as witnessed in the book of Acts. Here we see Paul and the disciples filled with the Holy Spirit and speaking in tongues as immediate evidence. Commissioned by Jesus to go and spread the good news of His resurrection and the arrival of the Comforter, the disciples spread throughout the land. Emboldened by their new connection to God through the Holy Spirit, they share the good news of salvation in Christ through proclamation, service, and miraculous works. Now, stepping back in the analogy to consider your personal relationships, propagation represents the particularly interesting time when you tell people about your new bond. Often times during this phase, we, like Paul, become a little apprehensive. It's not that we're worried about what to tell people. What we'd like to know is how to tell people about our good news. This is where a SWOT analysis can be helpful. SWOT stands for strengths, weaknesses, opportunities, and threats. It is a test that measures the ups and downs of sharing about your new relationship (There is a SWAT test you can refer to at the end of this book). First, to determine the potential strengths in this sharing process, create a mental list of who you will tell and 23

what the benefits can come from their responses. Will they be supportive of your relationship? Will they befriend your partner? What good can come from any of these people knowing about your relationship? Second, to determine the potential weakness in this process, assess the detriments that could arise from telling certain folks. What bad might come from sharing? How might these people try to sabotage your new relationship? If, during your considerations, you can think of anything negative, you probably dont want to tell these folks. Let them find out when they find out. Third, to determine the overall opportunity in spreading the news to certain people, consider the overall benefits that could come from sharing the news. Will those with whom you share be eager to do outings and activities with you as couples? Will the people you tell be valuable counselors whose wisdom and experience will enrich your own relationship? Will these folks defend you and your relational decisions if and when need arises? Finally, to determine the potential threats in sharing, ask yourself about who would like to see you fail? Who might use your news as a chance to disparage you or even persecute you the way the mob treated Stephen in Acts chapter 7? Would these people possibly lie about you to other folks or compromise your reputation in some way? Propagation is a vital phase in any relationship. As 24

such, you must work hard to ask yourself tough, forwardthinking questions. When you decide to completely associate yourself with someone, tying your reputation to theirs, you want to make sure, first, that you really know them, but second, you want to be aware of who you tell and how their knowledge could affect your relationship with the one you love. When God sends us out to announce the Gospel, we announce the reality of a relationship with Him, made possible through Jesus. More than that, we announce our fellowship with Him and with each other because of Him, inviting everyone to enjoy the restored relationships of His Kingdom (1 John 1). God created marriage to be a reflection of His own Triune love. As such, Christian marriages are to be prophetic displays of what God is like as a relational being, and what God is like in the world as a lover, a parent, a friend. Announcing your marriage, as Christians, at once declares the standard of love you plan to live by and also what that standard means: that we humans were made to be one in God, and, empowered by His Spirit alive in us, to love the world as He does. Opposition to marriage is wise when it points out how our plans are just another guise of selfishness, just another delusional attempt to find a magic pill of happiness. But people will also oppose marriage that sets a higher standard that points others to God's ambitious designs for 25

marriage: that husband and wife would display His love to the world, and that in striving to meet that standard, they would be sanctified, serving one to another as the very tools of God for stripping away sin and selfishness. In other words, be sure that you've done your homework. When you invite the world to know about your new relationship, you want to make sure it has the stuff for a godly display of love and beauty. That doesn't mean it will be perfect or even pretty; but it does mean you and your potential partner will be committed to showing one another grace and forgiveness as you move forward to love God and the world. On the other hand, you don't want to be nave either, and invite opposition and trial before you're relationship is ready for it.

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Explanation
In the explanation part of any relationship you really have to understand one thing: WHY are you in the relationship in the first place. If you understand why, your relationship will withstand any turbulent times that come your way and be equipped to overcome any obstacles that the world throws at you. We can see this relational stage in the Bible, beginning in the epistle to the Romans and running through Jude. Paul knew why he did what he did: he knew why he worked tirelessly to establish churches, he knew why he passionately evangelized the gentiles, he knew why he toiled in prayer and travels to strengthen new believers in their faith. He did these things because Jesus had called him to do them. He did these things to set a standard for service to the gospel that would take anyone a full, committed lifetime to even approach. Now consider this important question of why in regard to marriage. In our day and culture, we have generally marginalized the most fundamental reasons for matrimony. For most people today, marriage is irrelevant, unneeded. People today will live together as though they were married but without vows, rings, or public commitment. The big reason for this reality is that people don't understand whywhy get married? 27

Marriage used to be a given. The reasons for marriage were so numerous and vital to life, the average person would look at you as if you were a crazy person if you asked why get married?. But not today. Today we view marriage as a choice, even a matter of style, first in whether we get married or not, and second in whom we marry. We view most of the old reasons for getting married as obsolete. Let's review a few of those old, defunct reasons. So we can live together. Today, many couples live happily together without getting married. Most do so without social stigma, family pressure, or societal detriment. Even churches are accepting the idea as our culture changes. Once upon a time, the old church might have expelled and shunned such couples if they didn't get married, but now they're often welcomed in and, if they're lucky, taught the one lasting reason to get married (which we we soon discuss). So we can have children. Another obviously outdated reason for marriage. Women have children all the time without being married. They're able to care for children, protect children, and support children without a husband. Again, even the Church recognizes that single moms can do a fine job of raising their 28

children. For them to do so may not be ideal, but many women are stuck with husbands who spend extra money on alcohol and entertainmentand that's not idea either. So while once upon a time it may have been embarrassing and debilitating to have children outside of wedlock, today that's not necessarily the case. To make a solid commitment. That's a charming old reason. We are getting married to make it harder to walk away from each other. How romantic. Lots of people, however, live together in harmony and commitment without having spent tons of money on a wedding and announced their resolve to the rafters as if they said it loud enough it would somehow make it true. To make the relationship official. Official status can be achieved by placing an announcement in the newspaper saying, "We are now official." You don't need a bunch of folks standing around wearing tuxes and long gowns and watching you go through the motions to make your relationship official. So what are we left with? If none of the reasons listed above, then why at all? There is only one reason. Marriage makes a relationship divine. Getting married 29

means that something (or SomeOne) bigger than both of you is bringing you together. A wedding achieves something that simply can't happen otherwise. God is introduced into the relationship. God becomes an equal partner in the relationship and forms a triune community. Until they are married, a couple's commitment to each other is a human commitment, with all the limitations of being human and subject to human faults and thoughts. We can't see the future, we can't know what may change and what tomorrow may bring. We make mistakes. The marital vow elevates these lofty commitments beyond human limitations. The blessings made under the marital vow invoke God's name upon the marriage, and bring God into the union as a partner. You are married not just because you chose to be, but because God has also chosen you to be. Without marital vows you can have love, commitment, and family, but your relationship isn't holy. Only by standing in front of God and witnesses and marrying according to the potent ritual traditions does your union become sacred. Only after such a wedding is your love blessed with the divine imprint of eternity. This answers the question why it is important to get married. You can have many reasons but let this serve as an example for why it is necessary. God has called you to be holy and marriage is a part of that calling, as we will soon see. 30

Consummation
Finally, consummation. Your best relationship now depends first upon avoiding relational time-bombs and then moving carefully through Preparation, Manifestation, Proclamation, and Explanation. Once you've gotten that far, you'll have a chance to show the world Consummation. In the Bible, we witness consummation in the book of Revelation, chapter 21, when the New Jerusalem descends to earth: Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the old heaven and the old earth had disappeared. And the sea was also gone. And I saw the holy city, the new Jerusalem, coming down from God out of heaven like a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. I heard a loud shout from the throne, saying, 'Look, Gods home is now among his people! He will live with them, and they will be his people. God himself will be with them. He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever' (21:1-4). At long last, in this prophetic scene, history reaches its fulfillment. The relationship between God and humanity is fully healed and all that threatened it loses its power. 31

Consummation, for us, is not that clear-cut and triumphant. It is, however, a beautiful and blessed point in any relationship, a point that prophetically reflects Christ's coming. When two people reach the consummation phase, they may still face doubt and storm, but their bonds of faith and love have been forged strong and true, so that they can stand together in encouragement and interdependent power. Consummation is the point in a relationship at which the rewards of longevity set in. Like a seasoned investment, it begins to draw choice profits. Like an aged wine that needed time to become its best, the relationship is ready to be shared and savored. The beginning of a relationship is like preparing to climb a mountain; it's the time when you consider the challenges and risks. You gather equipment and go over your plans and precautions; then you begin the climb. During that first leg of the journey you establish the relationship, create the fraternity, join the company, advance your acquaintance to a deeper level of friendship and teamwork. And yet consummation is when, at last, you're standing on top of the mountain looking down over the cliffs you have climbed. It is the exhilaration you feel as you look from the top of the mountain and recall the challenges you not only faced but conquered in climbing. It is looking over the many years of friendship, with its up and downs, and relishing all the deep and wonderful stories you have to tell together. 32

This little book is basically a primer designed to help you on your way to consummation, to help you envision the exhilaration that awaits you at the top of the mountainif you can avoid the time bomb and make the wise precautionary preparation that will help you on your way. By now we should understand more about how we can prepare ourselves, reveal ourselves, share ourselves, explain ourselves, and thereby make the journey towards truly knowing and loving one another. Hopefully, this book will prove a key stepping stone along the difficult road of life and intimacy, as you journey toward your best relationship now. Relationships will make you or brake you: it all depends on how well you prepare yourself. I pray you're better prepared now than when you began reading. God bless you.

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SWOT Analysis
Get a notebook and ask yourself the following questions, making careful record of your answers. STRENGTHS What are things that I am good at? What are the things that people always appreciate about me? What are my professional achievements? How do my educational qualifications give me an edge over others? What are the positive traits in me that are always highlighted through my behavior and my work? What are the three best physical attributes that people say I have? How do I use my positive traits (physical and psychological) to achieve what I set out to achieve? WEAKNESSES What is the one thing that I am most afraid of, personally and professionally? What are the top three things that people say I need to improve on. What are the things that I avoid doing because I have a sense of fear or apprehension about doing it? What are the attributes in me that prevent me from acting up against something that I know is wrong? Do I let people take me for granted? If yes, why do I 34

do it? Is it because I prefer to avoid conflict over standing up for myself ? Why is it that some people shy away from asking me for help? Do I really believe in the things people say about me and do I let it affect my overall demeanor and personality? Do I get easily influenced by what people say to me under the pretext of giving me 'advice'? OPPORTUNITIES How can I find out about ways to work on my drawbacks? What are the things that I can do to make sure that my strengths are highlighted and my weaknesses are not? Who are the people I can approach for help regarding the drawbacks that I and other people see I me? What are the professional chances that I can grab in order to prove my mettle to my co-workers and superiors? How and who can I help with their workload to show that I can be proactive and useful at the same time? What can I do to feel good about myself and the things I do? THREATS What are the things that I feel are preventing me from giving my best to everything I do? Who do I see as possible dangers in my professional life? Who d I perceive to be a threat in my personal relationships? What kind of obstacles are present in my work environment that are in my way of a possible promotion? Who are my immediate competitors for a position or for a job that I know I'm the best choice for? 35

Questions you should ask in every relationship:

1. How does your family spend its favorite holiday?

This question is important because you will want to know where the family values are grounded. Are they into doing family things together on Christmas and New Years etc. 2. Do you consider yourself a spiritual person?

This question is important because you want to know where his guiding principles come from and whether he believes in God. 3. What are your religious views?

This question is important because you want to know where their belief system comes from. Everyone believes in something. 4. Do you share my religious views?

This question is important because it is important to be equally yoked. It is important that cohesiveness in your spirituality is not going to be a long term problem. 5. Do you attend church or have other religious commitments? This question is important because you want to know how dedicated they are to their faith and are they actively involved in the growth process. Are they being fed spiritually? 6. How serious is your family about its faith? 36

This question can be helpful in determining the kind of core support a person needs for spiritual development and care.

What the Bible says about Marriage

How Long Wives Are Bound To Their Husbands Romans 7:1-3 (KJV) 1 Know ye not, brethren, (for I speak to them that know the law,) how that the law hath dominion over a man as long as he liveth? 2 For the woman which hath an husband is bound by the law to her husband so long as he liveth; but if the husband be dead, she is loosed from the law of her husband. 3 So then if, while her husband liveth, she be married to another man, she shall be called an adulteress: but if her husband be dead, she is free from that law; so that she is no adulteress, though she be married to another man. 1 Corinthians 7:39-40 (KJV) The wife is bound by the law as long as her husband liveth; but if her husband be dead, she is at liberty to be married to whom she will; only in the Lord. 40 But she is happier if she so abide, after my judgment: and I think also that I have the Spirit of God.
39

Husbands And Wives Becoming One Genesis 2:24 (KJV) 24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.
4

Matthew 19:4-6 (KJV) And he answered and said unto them, Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female, 5 And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? 6 Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. 37

Mark 10:6-9 (KJV) But from the beginning of the creation God made them male and female. 7 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife; 8 And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh. 9 What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. 1 Corinthians 6:15-16 (KJV) Know ye not that your bodies are the members of Christ? shall I then take the members of Christ, and make them the members of an harlot? God forbid. 16 What? know ye not that he which is joined to an harlot is one body? for two, saith he, shall be one flesh.
15

Ephesians 5:28-31 (KJV) So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. 29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: 30 For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. 31 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.
28

Prudent Wives Proverbs 19:14 (KJV) 14 House and riches are the inheritance of fathers: and a prudent wife is from the Lord. The Contentions Of A Wife Proverbs 19:13 (KJV) 13 A foolish son is the calamity of his father: and the contentions of a wife are a continual dropping. The Duties Of A Husband Deuteronomy 24:5 (KJV) 5 When a man hath taken a new wife, he shall not go out to war, neither shall he be charged with any business: but he shall 38

be free at home one year, and shall cheer up his wife which he hath taken. Proverbs 5:15-20 (KJV) Drink waters out of thine own cistern, and running waters out of thine own well. 16 Let thy fountains be dispersed abroad, and rivers of waters in the streets. 17 Let them be only thine own, and not strangers' with thee. 18 Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. 19 Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love. 20 And why wilt thou, my son, be ravished with a strange woman, and embrace the bosom of a stranger?
15

1 Corinthians 7:1-3 (KJV) Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. 2 Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. 3 Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. Ephesians 5:25 (KJV) Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
25

Ephesians 5:28 (KJV) So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.
28

Ephesians 5:33 (KJV) Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.
33

19

Colossians 3:19 (KJV) Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them. 39

1 Peter 3:7 (KJV) Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. The Duties Of A Wife 1 Corinthians 7:1-3 (KJV) 1 Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. 2 Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. 3 Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. Ephesians 5:22 (KJV) Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.
22

Ephesians 5:33 (KJV) Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.
33

Colossians 3:18 (KJV) Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord.
18

1 Peter 3:1-6 (KJV) Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; 2 While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear. Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; 4 But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not
3

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corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price. 5 For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands: 6 Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement. The Reward For Marrying Idolaters Exodus 34:11-16 (KJV) 11 Observe thou that which I command thee this day: behold, I drive out before thee the Amorite, and the Canaanite, and the Hittite, and the Perizzite, and the Hivite, and the Jebusite. 12 Take heed to thyself, lest thou make a covenant with the inhabitants of the land whither thou goest, lest it be for a snare in the midst of thee: 13 But ye shall destroy their altars, break their images, and cut down their groves: 14 For thou shalt worship no other god: for the Lord, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God: 15 Lest thou make a covenant with the inhabitants of the land, and they go a whoring after their gods, and do sacrifice unto their gods, and one call thee, and thou eat of his sacrifice; 16 And thou take of their daughters unto thy sons, and their daughters go a whoring after their gods, and make thy sons go a whoring after their gods.
1

Deuteronomy 7:1-4 (KJV) When the Lord thy God shall bring thee into the land whither thou goest to possess it, and hath cast out many nations before thee, the Hittites, and the Girgashites, and the Amorites, and the Canaanites, and the Perizzites, and the Hivites, and the Jebusites, seven nations greater and mightier than thou; 2 And when the Lord thy God shall deliver them before thee; thou shalt smite them, and utterly destroy them; thou shalt make no covenant with them, nor shew mercy unto them: 3 Neither shalt thou make marriages with them; thy daughter thou shalt not give unto his son, nor his daughter shalt thou take unto thy son. 4 For they will turn 41

away thy son from following me, that they may serve other gods: so will the anger of the Lord be kindled against you, and destroy thee suddenly.
1

1 Kings 11:1-8 (KJV) But king Solomon loved many strange women, together with the daughter of Pharaoh, women of the Moabites, Ammonites, Edomites, Zidonians, and Hittites; 2 Of the nations concerning which the Lord said unto the children of Israel, Ye shall not go in to them, neither shall they come in unto you: for surely they will turn away your heart after their gods: Solomon clave unto these in love. 3 And he had seven hundred wives, princesses, and three hundred concubines: and his wives turned away his heart. 4 For it came to pass, when Solomon was old, that his wives turned away his heart after other gods: and his heart was not perfect with the Lord his God, as was the heart of David his father. 5 For Solomon went after Ashtoreth the goddess of the Zidonians, and after Milcom the abomination of the Ammonites. 6 And Solomon did evil in the sight of the Lord, and went not fully after the Lord, as did David his father. 7 Then did Solomon build an high place for Chemosh, the abomination of Moab, in the hill that is before Jerusalem, and for Molech, the abomination of the children of Ammon. 8 And likewise did he for all his strange wives, which burnt incense and sacrificed unto their gods. Nehemiah 13:23-27 (KJV) In those days also saw I Jews that had married wives of Ashdod, of Ammon, and of Moab: 24 And their children spake half in the speech of Ashdod, and could not speak in the Jews' language, but according to the language of each people. 25 And I contended with them, and cursed them, and smote certain of them, and plucked off their hair, and made them swear by God, saying, Ye shall not give your daughters unto their sons, nor take their daughters unto your sons, or for yourselves. 26 Did not Solomon king of Israel sin by these things? yet among many nations was there no king like him,
23

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who was beloved of his God, and God made him king over all Israel: nevertheless even him did outlandish women cause to sin. 27 Shall we then hearken unto you to do all this great evil, to transgress against our God in marrying strange wives? Malachi 2:11-13 (KJV) Judah hath dealt treacherously, and an abomination is committed in Israel and in Jerusalem; for Judah hath profaned the holiness of the Lord which he loved, and hath married the daughter of a strange god. 12 The Lord will cut off the man that doeth this, the master and the scholar, out of the tabernacles of Jacob, and him that offereth an offering unto the Lord of hosts. 13 And this have ye done again, covering the altar of the Lord with tears, with weeping, and with crying out, insomuch that he regardeth not the offering any more, or receiveth it with good will at your hand.
11

The Rights Of Marriage 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 (KJV) 3 Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. 4 The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. 5 Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency. Those That Do Not Marry 1 Corinthians 7:25-38 (KJV) 25 Now concerning virgins I have no commandment of the Lord: yet I give my judgment, as one that hath obtained mercy of the Lord to be faithful. 26 I suppose therefore that this is good for the present distress, I say, that it is good for a man so to be. 27 Art thou bound unto a wife? seek not to be loosed. Art thou loosed from a wife? seek not a wife. 28 But and if thou marry, thou hast not sinned; and if a virgin marry, she hath not sinned. Nevertheless such shall have 43

trouble in the flesh: but I spare you. 29 But this I say, brethren, the time is short: it remaineth, that both they that have wives be as though they had none; 30 And they that weep, as though they wept not; and they that rejoice, as though they rejoiced not; and they that buy, as though they possessed not; 31 And they that use this world, as not abusing it: for the fashion of this world passeth away. 32 But I would have you without carefulness. He that is unmarried careth for the things that belong to the Lord, how he may please the Lord: 33 But he that is married careth for the things that are of the world, how he may please his wife. 34 There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband. 35 And this I speak for your own profit; not that I may cast a snare upon you, but for that which is comely, and that ye may attend upon the Lord without distraction. 36 But if any man think that he behaveth himself uncomely toward his virgin, if she pass the flower of her age, and need so require, let him do what he will, he sinneth not: let them marry. 37 Nevertheless he that standeth stedfast in his heart, having no necessity, but hath power over his own will, and hath so decreed in his heart that he will keep his virgin, doeth well. 38 So then he that giveth her in marriage doeth well; but he that giveth her not in marriage doeth better. Those That Love Their Wife Ephesians 5:28-29 (KJV) 28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. 29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: Those That Marry Proverbs 18:22 (KJV) 22 Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth 44

favour of the Lord. 1 Corinthians 7:25-38 (KJV) Now concerning virgins I have no commandment of the Lord: yet I give my judgment, as one that hath obtained mercy of the Lord to be faithful. 26 I suppose therefore that this is good for the present distress, I say, that it is good for a man so to be. 27 Art thou bound unto a wife? seek not to be loosed. Art thou loosed from a wife? seek not a wife. 28 But and if thou marry, thou hast not sinned; and if a virgin marry, she hath not sinned. Nevertheless such shall have trouble in the flesh: but I spare you. 29 But this I say, brethren, the time is short: it remaineth, that both they that have wives be as though they had none; 30 And they that weep, as though they wept not; and they that rejoice, as though they rejoiced not; and they that buy, as though they possessed not; 31 And they that use this world, as not abusing it: for the fashion of this world passeth away. 32 But I would have you without carefulness. He that is unmarried careth for the things that belong to the Lord, how he may please the Lord: 33 But he that is married careth for the things that are of the world, how he may please his wife. 34 There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband. 35 And this I speak for your own profit; not that I may cast a snare upon you, but for that which is comely, and that ye may attend upon the Lord without distraction. 36 But if any man think that he behaveth himself uncomely toward his virgin, if she pass the flower of her age, and need so require, let him do what he will, he sinneth not: let them marry. 37 Nevertheless he that standeth stedfast in his heart, having no necessity, but hath power over his own will, and hath so decreed in his heart that he will keep his virgin, doeth well. 38 So then he that giveth her in marriage doeth well; but he that giveth her not in marriage doeth better.
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Those That Remarry Or Marry Those Who Have Been Divorced Matthew 5:31-32 (KJV) 31 It hath been said, Whosoever shall put away his wife, let him give her a writing of divorcement: 32 But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery.
9

Matthew 19:9 (KJV) And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery. Mark 10:11-12 (KJV) And he saith unto them, Whosoever shall put away his wife, and marry another, committeth adultery against her. 12 And if a woman shall put away her husband, and be married to another, she committeth adultery.
11

Luke 16:18 (KJV) Whosoever putteth away his wife, and marrieth another, committeth adultery: and whosoever marrieth her that is put away from her husband committeth adultery.
18

Romans 7:1-3 (KJV) Know ye not, brethren, (for I speak to them that know the law,) how that the law hath dominion over a man as long as he liveth? 2 For the woman which hath an husband is bound by the law to her husband so long as he liveth; but if the husband be dead, she is loosed from the law of her husband. 3 So then if, while her husband liveth, she be married to another man, she shall be called an adulteress: but if her husband be dead, she is free from that law; so that she is no adulteress, though she be married to another man. 46

Unbelieving Spouses 1 Corinthians 7:10-16 (KJV) 10 And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband: 11 But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried, or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife. 12 But to the rest speak I, not the Lord: If any brother hath a wife that believeth not, and she be pleased to dwell with him, let him not put her away. 13 And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him. 14 For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy. 15 But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace. 16 For what knowest thou, O wife, whether thou shalt save thy husband? or how knowest thou, O man, whether thou shalt save thy wife? What Marriage Is Hebrews 13:4 (KJV) 4 Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge. What Marriage Is Analogous To Ephesians 5:22-23 (KJV) 22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Who Does Not Marry Matthew 22:23-32 (KJV) 23 The same day came to him the Sadducees, which say that there is no resurrection, and asked him, 24 Saying, Master, Moses said, If a man die, having no children, his brother shall marry his wife, and raise up seed unto his brother. 25 Now 47

there were with us seven brethren: and the first, when he had married a wife, deceased, and, having no issue, left his wife unto his brother: 26 Likewise the second also, and the third, unto the seventh. 27 And last of all the woman died also. 28 Therefore in the resurrection whose wife shall she be of the seven? for they all had her. 29 Jesus answered and said unto them, Ye do err, not knowing the scriptures, nor the power of God. 30 For in the resurrection they neither marry, nor are given in marriage, but are as the angels of God in heaven. 31 But as touching the resurrection of the dead, have ye not read that which was spoken unto you by God, saying, 32 I am the God of Abraham, and the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob? God is not the God of the dead, but of the living. Mark 12:18-27 (KJV) Then come unto him the Sadducees, which say there is no resurrection; and they asked him, saying, 19 Master, Moses wrote unto us, If a man's brother die, and leave his wife behind him, and leave no children, that his brother should take his wife, and raise up seed unto his brother. 20 Now there were seven brethren: and the first took a wife, and dying left no seed. 21 And the second took her, and died, neither left he any seed: and the third likewise. 22 And the seven had her, and left no seed: last of all the woman died also. 23 In the resurrection therefore, when they shall rise, whose wife shall she be of them? for the seven had her to wife. 24 And Jesus answering said unto them, Do ye not therefore err, because ye know not the scriptures, neither the power of God? 25 For when they shall rise from the dead, they neither marry, nor are given in marriage; but are as the angels which are in heaven. 26 And as touching the dead, that they rise: have ye not read in the book of Moses, how in the bush God spake unto him, saying, I am the God of Abraham, and the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob? 27 He is not the God of the dead, but the God of the living: ye therefore do greatly err.
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Luke 20:27-38 (KJV) Then came to him certain of the Sadducees, which deny that there is any resurrection; and they asked him, 28 Saying, Master, Moses wrote unto us, If any man's brother die, having a wife, and he die without children, that his brother should take his wife, and raise up seed unto his brother. 29 There were therefore seven brethren: and the first took a wife, and died without children. 30 And the second took her to wife, and he died childless. 31 And the third took her; and in like manner the seven also: and they left no children, and died. 32 Last of all the woman died also. 33 Therefore in the resurrection whose wife of them is she? for seven had her to wife. 34 And Jesus answering said unto them, The children of this world marry, and are given in marriage: 35 But they which shall be accounted worthy to obtain that world, and the resurrection from the dead, neither marry, nor are given in marriage: 36 Neither can they die any more: for they are equal unto the angels; and are the children of God, being the children of the resurrection. 37 Now that the dead are raised, even Moses shewed at the bush, when he calleth the Lord the God of Abraham, and the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob. 38 For he is not a God of the dead, but of the living: for all live unto him.
27

Who Not To Marry Deuteronomy 7:1-4 (KJV) 1 When the Lord thy God shall bring thee into the land whither thou goest to possess it, and hath cast out many nations before thee, the Hittites, and the Girgashites, and the Amorites, and the Canaanites, and the Perizzites, and the Hivites, and the Jebusites, seven nations greater and mightier than thou; 2 And when the Lord thy God shall deliver them before thee; thou shalt smite them, and utterly destroy them; thou shalt make no covenant with them, nor shew mercy unto them: 3 Neither shalt thou make marriages with them; thy daughter thou shalt not give unto his son, nor his daughter shalt thou take unto thy son. 4 For they will turn away thy son from following me, that they may serve other 49

gods: so will the anger of the Lord be kindled against you, and destroy thee suddenly.
1

Joshua 23:1-12 (KJV) And it came to pass a long time after that the Lord had given rest unto Israel from all their enemies round about, that Joshua waxed old and stricken in age. 2 And Joshua called for all Israel, and for their elders, and for their heads, and for their judges, and for their officers, and said unto them, I am old and stricken in age: 3 And ye have seen all that the Lord your God hath done unto all these nations because of you; for the Lord your God is he that hath fought for you. 4 Behold, I have divided unto you by lot these nations that remain, to be an inheritance for your tribes, from Jordan, with all the nations that I have cut off, even unto the great sea westward. 5 And the Lord your God, he shall expel them from before you, and drive them from out of your sight; and ye shall possess their land, as the Lord your God hath promised unto you. 6 Be ye therefore very courageous to keep and to do all that is written in the book of the law of Moses, that ye turn not aside therefrom to the right hand or to the left; 7 That ye come not among these nations, these that remain among you; neither make mention of the name of their gods, nor cause to swear by them, neither serve them, nor bow yourselves unto them: 8 But cleave unto the Lord your God, as ye have done unto this day. 9 For the Lord hath driven out from before you great nations and strong: but as for you, no man hath been able to stand before you unto this day. 10 One man of you shall chase a thousand: for the Lord your God, he it is that fighteth for you, as he hath promised you. 11 Take good heed therefore unto yourselves, that ye love the Lord your God. 12 Else if ye do in any wise go back, and cleave unto the remnant of these nations, even these that remain among you, and shall make marriages with them, and go in unto them, and they to you:
1

Ezra 9:1-2 (KJV) Now when these things were done, the princes came to me, 50

saying, The people of Israel, and the priests, and the Levites, have not separated themselves from the people of the lands, doing according to their abominations, even of the Canaanites, the Hittites, the Perizzites, the Jebusites, the Ammonites, the Moabites, the Egyptians, and the Amorites. 2 For they have taken of their daughters for themselves, and for their sons: so that the holy seed have mingled themselves with the people of those lands: yea, the hand of the princes and rulers hath been chief in this trespass. Ezra 9:10-12 (KJV) And now, O our God, what shall we say after this? for we have forsaken thy commandments, 11 Which thou hast commanded by thy servants the prophets, saying, The land, unto which ye go to possess it, is an unclean land with the filthiness of the people of the lands, with their abominations, which have filled it from one end to another with their uncleanness. 12 Now therefore give not your daughters unto their sons, neither take their daughters unto your sons, nor seek their peace or their wealth for ever: that ye may be strong, and eat the good of the land, and leave it for an inheritance to your children for ever.
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Ezra 10:2-3 (KJV) And Shechaniah the son of Jehiel, one of the sons of Elam, answered and said unto Ezra, We have trespassed against our God, and have taken strange wives of the people of the land: yet now there is hope in Israel concerning this thing. 3 Now therefore let us make a covenant with our God to put away all the wives, and such as are born of them, according to the counsel of my lord, and of those that tremble at the commandment of our God; and let it be done according to the law. Nehemiah 10:29-30 (KJV) They clave to their brethren, their nobles, and entered into a curse, and into an oath, to walk in God's law, which was given by Moses the servant of God, and to observe and do all the
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commandments of the Lord our Lord, and his judgments and his statutes; 30 And that we would not give our daughters unto the people of the land, nor take their daughters for our sons: Nehemiah 13:23-27 (KJV) In those days also saw I Jews that had married wives of Ashdod, of Ammon, and of Moab: 24 And their children spake half in the speech of Ashdod, and could not speak in the Jews' language, but according to the language of each people. 25 And I contended with them, and cursed them, and smote certain of them, and plucked off their hair, and made them swear by God, saying, Ye shall not give your daughters unto their sons, nor take their daughters unto your sons, or for yourselves. 26 Did not Solomon king of Israel sin by these things? yet among many nations was there no king like him, who was beloved of his God, and God made him king over all Israel: nevertheless even him did outlandish women cause to sin. 27 Shall we then hearken unto you to do all this great evil, to transgress against our God in marrying strange wives?
23

Who Should Get Married Exodus 22:16-17 (KJV) 16 And if a man entice a maid that is not betrothed, and lie with her, he shall surely endow her to be his wife. 17 If her father utterly refuse to give her unto him, he shall pay money according to the dowry of virgins.
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1 Corinthians 7:6-9 (KJV) But I speak this by permission, and not of commandment. 7 For I would that all men were even as I myself. But every man hath his proper gift of God, one after this manner, and another after that. 8 I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, It is good for them if they abide even as I. 9 But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn.

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Why You Should Get Married 1 Corinthians 7:1-2 (KJV) 1 Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. 2 Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.
6

1 Corinthians 7:6-9 (KJV) But I speak this by permission, and not of commandment. 7 For I would that all men were even as I myself. But every man hath his proper gift of God, one after this manner, and another after that. 8 I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, It is good for them if they abide even as I. 9 But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn.

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About the Author

Clayborn Collins is a Minister at Emmanuel Church, located in Portland, Oregon. He has been married 3 times, and, as a result he always says, I might not have all the answers about what to do in a relationship, but I certainly know what not to do. Humor aside, his book is the fruit of a desire to share the costly lessons he has learned over the years, both from successful and unsuccessful relationships. Drawing from his extensive experiences around the world, first in the military, and then in the ministry, Clayborn explores how the big pattern of God's relationship with His people can teach us 54

about healthy patterns of relationship in our own everyday lives. He hopes this book will be a useful tool for blessing relationships everywhere.

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