I AM NOTHING Who am I besides the fact that I am Gods child? I resolve my life issues in this context.

I define life and give meaning to my existence in this context. I deal with other people based on this fact. I pursue my goals only because of this fact. I cannot have another context or purpose but this because this is it. I used to think, the center of my existence is I, me, and myself. Life is not per se meant to discover and develop things that are long-lasting and intangible, like status, knowledge, educational achievements and enlightenment. My classmate, Sister Nimfa, a pathologist and a psychologist who became a nun and is now like me working on her law degree, stated that understanding our lives as children of God involves a process of emptying. We need to empty ourselves of all lifes trappings and all achievements and baggage so that God in His immense power and essence can reveal Himself to us, and through us. I now come to find a new meaning to what the Book says that we are blind and now we see. Sister N says we are dust, but I say we are micro-specks in this Universe. The rational and scientific examination of the fact of our physical existence in this Universe reveals that we are actually nothing. We are nothing. (When one is confused at this this argument, one must ask how big is my God? How vast is His love for me? Is it as long as the earths circumference? Is it only as vast as our galaxy? if we answer in the affirmative, we are gravely mistaken. Our God, Maker of all things is immeasurable. We are nothing. So it is clear that I live because God gave me the opportunity to exist in this green planet. And for what purpose? In my micro-speck existence, do I have any right to assert our own personal agenda? There is no conflict with the fact that it is by Gods sole grace that we are saved and the fact that we are given free will. Because on our part we have to accept that grace as His gift to us so that He may work in us. Knowing God and living by his will entails knowing the fact of our nothingness in this universe. As to how we view and live our lives we should not be blind and ignorant. We are created by God for a clear purpose, and that is to live a full life. Living a full life is not living a wanton life of luxury or abundance or avarice or or amassing thing we can (like pacman gobbling everything that comes on its way!) nor any of that distorted concept, nor it is that we should be ascetic and senselessly selfsacrificing. Living a full life is not a life of promiscuity. No, nothing of these sorts. Living a full life is living as His children. This is to live a life of peace thanksgiving, contentment, and excellence. Because as the Book says, we have to be like Him. So in our endeavors and activities and dealings with others, we have to think of how God could have lived if He were in our shoes. No arguments that we can never be like Him should stand as an excuse for not abiding by the aforesaid principle. Because in all His glory, He has become like us and even in a lower station in life (the son of a carpenter born in a manger, lived a simple or maybe life wanting in most of comforts individuals desire even in His own time, and in the end suffered all sorts of humiliation hurt and injury and even death by the hands of sinful men). His becoming human serves the purpose of precluding us from invoking any excuse for deviating from His way. We were created and in fact we exist for His purpose. Whether or not we accomplish such purpose is based on our own free will. Whether or not we will decide to live a full life is our own free choice. If we were ordinary mortals and not children of God, we will be faced each day with anxiety, with longings, desires and useless challenges. Even our measures for attaining excellence and superiority in the race for amassing wealth, achievements, knowledge, status, beauty, and wealth will be meaningless. Instead as children of God we are embraced by the fact that we have to do our best in our daily endeavors in our personal and public life for Him and in accordance with His purpose for us.

Concretely, what does this mean to me? Although I have accomplished much, I have expressed much love, I have developed many skills, I have accumulated material trappings, I have influenced and helped manyI am still nothing. I am nothing, but with God I have everything. And I live with an inner smile and peace, because I am assured that He loves me. Practically, in the many aspects of my life: my being a mother, an educator, a citizen, a student, a child, a career woman, I am assured that I will never be blind again to the fact that I am all these because God allowed me to assume these roles for His purpose. Am I enjoying my Christian life? Yes. The inner smile and peace and assurance sustains me. I falter and fall many times. I make a mockery of my own faith with my godless deeds in my moments of ignorance, but I recover based on the principle that I am nothing but I have everything. And like Christ, I can laugh and smile and be at peace with contentment in His grace and desire no more nor complain about what he gives me or the opportunities he makes available for me, for the actual and potential blessingsbecause these are enough, more than enough. If he allows me to strive and level up in life, I only do so with a smile in my heart. It is His great grace that matters, these are only add-ons to my existence. How am I to compare to the vastness of the earth or of universe? I am nothing! I am nothing but I have everything. So I am faced with only one certainty, that is, whether I open or close my eyes at anytime of the day, I am in His fold. If my physical existence ends at any time or day, it is His will. I will be happy to meet Him because I am nothing but because I have Him, I have everything. (etb24august2012)

I Am Not Perfect (Yet!) So while I will exist, I will act according to His design and His example. Of course, neither us nor our life is perfect. We are faced with hardships, with daily ups and downs with conflicts (with ourselves, with others, with institutions, with nature, with social systems, with all sorts of forces and factors, physical or otherwise). These are all aspects of our frail existence in this small planet in the vastness of cosmos. Do these conflicts warrant our being negative at times? of course not! We will deal with our personal conflicts and challenges according to His will. If we fail and we become negative (psychologically depressed, physically stressed, emotionally drained, socially ostracized), as His children we can always spring back to life again. Knowing for a fact that there is no other way but to go back to His fold. The small and simple things we do in this context is living a full life. Like an Athlete Life of course is never like a breeze. Challenges come along the way. Everyday is a struggle, a struggle against so many things. First it is a struggle against our own frailty. Mortality makes us vulnerable physically. We become tired. We feel the effect of hormones in our frame. We feel physical urges. We get sick at times. And yes, we are faced with the ultimate process of aging. Our lifespan is predictably fixed. Our physical existence has an expiry date (we just dont know when.). With this, we daily face a process of decay. Psychologists call

it growth and development. But ultimately we face our ultimate end that is physical death. When it will happen is one of the uncertain things that keeps us in suspense until our last breath. Since we exist in association with others, we are also affected by how they deal with their own frailties. And vice-versa, they are influenced by how we deal with our own. Life has also somehow produced many trappings that make our existence complicated. Social institutions with muddled philosophy distort the ultimate fact. We have to contend with the majority. We cannot be misguided like others. We have to stay focused like athletes. Like athletes who prepare for battle or who are actually engaged in battle, we must fortify our existence. We have to acquire skills and level up with our capacity to hurdle the next lap or round. Like athletes, we have to struggle to finish the race. Our whole life is a race. Everyday is a battle. But like athletes knowing their end, we accomplish our daily tasks with dedication bolstered only by our goal as Christians. We fortify and fight with our hearts buoyed by endless energy. The energy that comes from knowing it is not of us. It comes from God. The happy irony that athletes in us face is thatwe are nothing but our source of strength is boundless. We just have to gain access to it. And if we fortify ourselves enough, we will win the gold. With this in mind, the fight should be easy. We falter because of our stubbornness. We turn back from our source. We turn back from our purpose. This is the reason why we become unhappy. We become frustrated and disappointed. We lose battles. Since life is fixed, we are faced with a limitation as to what to do with this life. I am inclined to do a gantt chart of the positive things I can accomplish. But then again, maybe theres no need. Maybe just on a general and grand scale because the path is already laid out for me. Honestly, it is not easy. I am certain to face the struggles Christians must face. The most fearsome of these is the spiritual battle the frail of heart and the faithless must ultimately fail. I am more anxious by my own lack of faith than anything in this world. Spiritual battles or by my own lack of will. Free choice doctrine says we can always decline to struggle and live easy comfortable lives. But by this kind of life we fail miserably. We have to be like athletes always welcoming the prospect of building strength by doing the routines or finishing competitions. The adrenaline drives for athletes are essentially inspirations from God. Uncertainty is Strength The irony of Christian life is that when we accept our own weaknesses, we are strengthened by His grace. It is in our emptying that God reveals Himself to us. We will never see Him when we only see ourselves.

The uncertainties that Christians face each day in their struggles are actually opportunities that God wants to be revealed in their lives. Like athletes facing uncertain defeats, or being drained of their energy. God is everywhere The things around us are tainted with evil. The devil lurks in every corner. All the surfaces of this earth is stained with the devils power waiting to engulf us. This sounds terrifying for Christians. But as sister Nimfa says, we have to be faithful to God every second of our lives everywhere we go otherwise we will be possessed with fear. She says many nuns in her convent went insane and have not been able to win the battle. I think it is by Gods grace that these battles are won. Faith sustains us in battles. We have to be steadfast in Gods love so will be stronger in faith. I have come this far but the many things I have known about spiritual warfare are perhaps just the surface of this reality. And I feel that I will leave it at that for the moment and just cling to Gods love. For me waging war in the spiritual sense is invoking the power of God and his angels. I am assured and at peace for He said He will never leave us. And neither will His angels. Some Chirstian counselors told me long ago that we should never be afraid because God sends thousands of angels to guard us wherever we are and at all times. But I say faith in His power is enough to withstand any struggle. Sister Nimfa reminded me that whenever we are weak and afraid, we should utter His name and He will immediately come to our rescue. This is such a simple reminder and we have to receive and adopt it like children accept simple assurance. Like children My faith is so simple and my knowledge of God is so little. But I am assured that it is enough for God. I am a baby in faith. Like babies most of us have vague notions and awareness of our faith. But this doesnt matter we dont have to be super mature as Christians to be loved by him. Like babies make their parents ecstatic with their simple smile even when they are asleep, so we must be assured that the faith we have and how we live it, also makes God happy and pleased with what we do. Practically, it means that when I do my best and treat other people with Gods love and see myself as His vessel, that should be just enough. I cannot do it on my own. I cannot attain understanding on my own but it is also all of Gods grace. Like little babies must learn to speak and walk so must we trust God to show us the way, trust God to give us grace to grow our muscles and bones in the spiritual sense.