by Nuna501 (Gogodamsel)

title banner by L0Vex3

Chapter 26: Finding Peachland Part 1

Wonhee-yah, Sunmi-ssi, thanks for coming with me today. Yisung had a certain glow about him that I had not noticed before, his eyes agleam, his lips always ready to flash a smile. I dont think Id be able to come here by myself, you know, he added with a chagrined look, a look that I hardly had seen in him. No, problem, Yisung-ssi, Wonhee and I replied, giving him a smile--an assurance that we didnt mind coming here at all. We had been travelling by foot along a half-mile Speedwalk, trying to get to the baggage claim area of Incheon International Airport as quickly as possible. Yisung was holding baby Youngbae in one arm with a gift bag swinging underneath, his other hand holding on to the moving handrail, ready to support himself in case he lost his balance. Youngbae was moving his arms about, muttering his favorite languageunintelligible gibberish, occasionally stopping only to study some people who would comment how cute he was or to pull the shawl collar of his dads muted blue coat. As usual, Youngbae attracted attention today especially because he was wearing a giraffe beanie hat complete with horn-like structures in between floppy ears that stuck out on both sides of his head. It didnt particularly match his blue overalls, but it served in keeping his head warm and making him extra cute. A couple of feet behind stood Wonhee, looking extra petite in her thigh-length, white coat. Hung over her shoulder was Youngbaes graphite grey diaper bag with a tiny stuffed monkey hanging on to one of the handles like it was holding on for dear life. She had not been her usual self as of late, often staring into spaces, eyes laden with unspoken sorrow that only I could see. Yisung probably thought Wonhees sadness was due to the breach in her relationship with Youngwoo. Even though he cared about Wonhee, his mind was so preoccupied with the anticipated arrival of his family, and I knew that this must have prevented him from seeing Wonhee and the emotional turmoil that she was going through instead of just looking at the faade she put to conceal her real feelings. Yisung looked nervous and excited at the same time. He had been this way since he picked us up at the house an hour ago. Had I not known who we were about to meet at the airport, I would have thought he was about to pick up a mail-order bride he had never seen in person before. Or someone hes madly in love with. Or maybe someone hed wanted to see for years. Even if I didnt know beforehand who we were about to meet, I had a feeling that two out of my three guesses were right. Why do you think she wants Yisung to pick her up? Do you think she wants to get back together with him? I had asked Wonhee this morning while we were having our breakfast, referring to Irene, Yisungs ex-girlfriend. I slowly chewed on a semi-stale Wheat Thins as I contemplated on my own question.

Maybe, she said with a dejected sigh, mindlessly stirring her hot chocolate, the teaspoon going around and around and around. Her eyes seemed to be staring right at my necklace, but I knew her mind was somewhere else, perhaps in a place that she couldnt go back to, a place that only existed in her memory. But how come? Isnt she getting married to her American boyfriend? I asked, my voice indicating I had no idea what was going on. With my mind engaged in melodramatic events in my life recently, I fell behind on gossips (or current events, if I may use a euphemism). Wonhee didnt answer me but instead just trained her eyes upward, slowly, until they met mine. She let out another sigh, this one heavier than the first. I dont know, Sunmi I dont know anymore was her only answer. For the next few hours, I dared not bring up the topic again. I knew Wonhee was saddened by the fact that Yisung was about to see his first love. She still maintained, though, that she only had platonic feelings for Yisung, but judging by the way she looked right nowthe overt scarcity of her smiles, the lack of sparks in her eyes, not to mention the hair (goodness gracious, the hair!) that had been recently always tied into a low bun that made her look like a spinster with eighty thousand catsI was not as convinced as I was before. After all the time she spent hanging out with Yisung, she must have developed some feelings for him. I knew I would. Yisung had a charm about him that girls couldnt resist, like a nectar-abundant flower to hungry butterflies. If you spent so many days being showered with this charm, it would be hard not to be enchanted. And Wonhees heart, after the heartache she had already sustained from Youngwoo, was too vulnerable not to seek refuge from someone else, a reason why it was possible that Yisung could have easily held her spellbound. Mummah! baby Youngbae called out, throwing his body sideways to reach for Wonhee. Wonhee readily extended her arms to take Youngbae, who let out mirthful giggles once in Wonhees arms. Yisung kept his eyes on Wonhee for a moment, long enough for me to catch him on the act, stirring my thoughts to wonder if somewhere along their supposedly platonic relationship Wonhee had become the flower and Yisung the butterfly. He diverted his gaze back to the baby as soon as Wonhee directed her gaze up, almost catching him. In silence, he took the baby bag off Wonhees arm. As he faced frontward, I looked away, pretending I wasnt paying attention to any of his moves. I turned around and resumed walking ahead of them, wondering if more dramatic events would arise in the nearer future, namely later today. What a complicated life, I thought. When Wonhee and I decided to move to Korea, we didnt expect any of these life complications to blindside us like they had been recently. Sure, complications come with age, but still, we were not prepared for them. After what seemed like more than half-a-mile course of horizontal travel, we finally reached the end of the moving sidewalk. I pushed Youngbaes stroller off the treadway, the wheels clacking as they made contact with the steady floor, and pulled over to the side. Behind me, Wonhee hopped out of the moving sidewalk, making Youngbae giggle with delight, flashing his tiny teethfour in the front and one somewhere on the side. Wonhee was amused by the babys laughter and gave the babys tight cheek a long kiss. I felt a slight twinge in my heart as I watched this. Anybody could see that Wonhee loved the baby like he was her own. Sometimes I wished she didnt love him as much, though, because I was afraid that Wonhee would be broken when Yisung finally finds a mom for Youngbae, a permanent one. Ah-eesh-tah! Beebee! Youngbae pointed back to the Speedwalk, as though saying that he wanted Wonhee to jump out of there again. He started wriggling in Wonhees arms when she didnt comply with his wishes. When Youngbae was on the verge of crying, Wonhee hop-walked, instantly making Youngbaes lips break into a big smile once again, with the most contagious giggle escaping from his lips from time to time. I dont think thats a good idea, Yisung warned Wonhee, hes gonna let you do that for the rest of the day. And hes not light, you know.

Its fine, Wonhee replied, smiling at Youngbaes mirthful giggles. She seemed to get some consolation from the fact that Youngbae enjoyed it so much. Wonhee hopped again, making Youngbae let out a succession of giggles. Wonhee did it a few more times until she ran out of air. Just a few yards later, she was already huffing and puffing, as though she had just engaged herself in a high-intensity workout. My God, this baby is heavy, she announced as if we had not already known. Youngbae flashed his four-tooth smile, his eyes disappearing into thin slits, and raised both his arms up, obviously hinting that he wanted Wonhee to hop once again. Youngbae-yah, thats enough, Yisung said, Auntie Wonhee is tired. He glanced at the stroller next to me and then looked back at Wonhee. Just put him back in the stroller. Following Yisungs advice, Wonhee leaned down and placed Youngbae in the stroller. He wasnt a happy camper at all, making whiny, through-the-nose crying noises, squirming his body around, pushing himself against the seatbelt. But after Yisung gave him a piece of soft cookie, he settled right away. We arrived at the baggage claim area where we were supposed to meet Yisungs son, Eli, and Irene. We looked for the baggage carousel for their flight number and found it just two carousels down from the arrival gate. The baggage carousel was still stationary and empty; the electronic board overhead, which showed the flight number, was the only indication that we were in the right place. Yisung walked back to the arrival gate and stood by the door, near a well-suited mana tourist guide most likelyholding a welcome sign. Yisung couldnt stay still in one place, obviously aflutter, pacing back and forth in front of the tourist guide, coat lapels pushed to the side, hands inside his jean front pockets. Wonhee watched Yisung in silence for a moment before seating herself on an empty row of seats. Just as soon as I parked the stroller next to her, she unstrapped the baby and placed him on her lap. Youngbae was now pulling his beanie hat off his head, his tiny fingers gripping a giraffe ear. He waved it around before it fell and landed near my feet. Do you want coffee, Wonhee? I asked, stooping down to pick up Youngbaes giraffee hat. Sure, Wonhee replied. Mocha Frap for me. I put the beanie hat back on Youngbaes head before I headed out to buy coffee. A few minutes later, while I stood in the corner waiting for my coffee, I decided to pass time texting Jaewoong, trying to avoid ogling at two teenagers next to me who were groping each others body as though experiencing a sudden rush of lust hormones. Me: Hi :) Birdface: Hi ^^ Me: What are you doing? Birdface: Texting you ^^ Me: Haha. I know that. I mean, what are you doing besides texting me? Birdface: Thinking of you. :D My heart leapt, and I felt giddy even though I knew he was just joking around. Birdface: And you? What are you doing? Me: Texting you ^^ Birdface: Besides that Me: Thinking of you :D I felt my face flush after I sent that message. I guess flirting still didnt come naturally to me.

Birdface: Hey! No copying allowed. Me: Okay. Im thinking of this hot Japanese guy Birdface: Yah! Yah! Thats not allowed either. Definitely not allowed. Thats punishable by law. Me: Oh, really? And what kind of punishment might be imposed on me? Birdface: What kind of punishment do you want? Me: Oh I get to choose? Birdface: It depends. I was flushed once again. What was it about our text messages that were making me a little hot right now? Me: Youre making me blush. Birdface: Why? Birdface: Yah Youre having dirty thoughts, arent you? Me: What??? Eww. Birdface: Eww? Birdface: LOL. Birdface: Btw, did Ahrin-noona and Eli arrive yet? Me: Nope. Not yet. I think their flight might be a little delayed. Birdface: Oic How does Wonhee feel about all this?

His question sort of caught me off guard. Why would he be asking about Wonhees feelings? Did he know something that I didnt know? Wonhee guarded her feelings like it was classified material and wouldnt even tell me the whole truth, not because she didnt trust me but because she didnt want me to worry and because she didnt want to create a situation. She had always been like that since we were kids. She would always put others feelings first before hers. Even though she kept telling me not to worry about her and tried to paper over her feelings, I could still see what shes really going through. So, maybe I wasnt the only one who could see right through Wonhee after all. Or maybe Jaewoong was just that observant. Me: Shes fine. Why do you ask? Birdface: Nothing I was just asking. By the way, what time are we meeting for dinner tonight? Me: Around six. Birdface: Okay. Ill pick you up then. Me: Actually, how about we meet in Gangnam? Remember that patisserie shop we went to a few days ago? Birdface: Avondales, right? Me: Yeah. Ill meet you there instead. I have some things to pick up in the area. Birdface: Okay. See ya. Me: See ya. Dont think about me too much :P Birdface: Ill try If you dont think about me too much ;) A wink? What does that mean? I bit my lip trying to suppress my giddiness. In person, Jaewoong and I were barely out of the awkward stage in our new relationship, especially in public, but in texts and emails, were already a step ahead. I had to wait a couple more minutes after the end of my text exchange with Jaewoong before I finally got my Caramel Macchiato and Wonhees Mocha Frappuccino. The two teenagers were exchanging spit now,

looking like they were actually swallowing each others tongue rather than being engaged in a passionate kiss. I had to leave before they set that Starbucks store afire. I found Wonhee still sitting where I left her, playing with Youngbae even though she appeared as though her heart was being torn to pieces. Hey, are you okay? I asked Wonhee, dropping myself next to her while handing over the grande cup of Frappuccino. Youngbae, who was now sitting comfortably on Wonhees lap, reached for it before Wonhee could. He almost poked his left eye with the straw as he motioned to drink it. He blinked, and when he opened his eyes, he looked terrified. But still, he held on to the drink. And when Wonhee took the cup away from his grip, he started making a fuss and pre-crying chug-like noises. I took one of Youngbaes small milk bottles out of the baby bag and gave it to him before his pre-crying state would become a full-blown one. He was easily pacified, laying his head against Wonhees chest, both his hands holding his milk bottle. Are you okay? I asked Wonhee again. Wonhee nodded without looking at me. Her eyes wandered toward the arrival gate, where Yisung had been standing since we got here. She placed her drink on the empty chair on the other side of her. Sunmi-yah, can you take Youngbae for a moment? I need to go to the restroom. Oh Before I could say yes, she already handed me the baby and she ran to the bathroom, almost bumping into two little girls along the way. I was aware of what was going on inside Wonhee, and it ached my heart to think that she could be heartbroken again. I took a deep breath and unconsciously breathed it out on Youngbaes face. It made him laugh, the bottle nipple still in-between his clenched teeth. What do you think is wrong with Auntie Wonhee, BaeBae-yah? Is she sad because she likes your daddy? Youngbae laughed again. This kid must have thought I had a funny face or something. Do I look funny, Baebae-yah? Does Auntie Sunmi look funny? I asked. He laughed again, this time opening his mouth wider, forgetting about his milk bottle which fell onto my lap. I picked it up, capped it, and put it away in his baby bag. Baebae-yah, why are you so cute? Bee-bee!!! he exclaimed, pinching the side of my face, his eyes aglow. Then he looks around. Dah-dah? You wanna go to Daddy? I asked. He shook his head and then crouched down, reaching for my coffee drink. Meemeem! I pushed my drink farther away so he wouldnt be able to reach it. No, Baebae. Thats not milk. He straightened up and faced me, his eyebrows knitting together, his mouth pouting. I thought it was his mad face until he made a grunting noise A grunting noise that made him sound like he was bearing or something. Uh-oh Is that your poopy face, BaeBae? When he was done, the smell of poop immediately diffused in the air. Oh no I slung his baby bag over my shoulder and stood up, holding him across my body, one arm supporting his upper body, the other holding his legs, careful not to press the bum area. Youngbae was befuddled by his sudden change of spatial orientation, his eyes opened wide. Yisung-ssi! Yisung turned around. I waved him over.

He quickly came over. What is it? he asked, looking at me then at the baby. Code brown, I said. Can you watch our things? Ill go to the bathroom and change him. No, Ill go. Ill change him, he said and motioned to take Youngbae. No, Ill do it. Wonhee is in the bathroom right now. You stay here and wait for Eli and Irene to arrive. They might look for you, you know. Are you sure? Yeah, I said and started walking toward the restroom before Yisung could say any more. Youngbae fought my effort to keep him in horizontal position. I knew he wanted to get up and look around, but I tried to keep him still, which made him unhappy. He had started crying by the time I reached the door to the restrooms. Wonhee-yah! I called out as I entered. Yeah? she replied from one of the stalls. Oh just wanna let you know were here. Im gonna change Youngbaes diaper. I went straight to the diaper changing station on the other side of the restroom. I covered it with one of the disposable covers from the baby bag and laid Youngbae on it. I gave him a toy to distract him. Just as I finished wiping Youngbaes bum with the wet wipes, Wonhee came and stood next to me. Here, let me do the rest, she said. She took a clean diaper from the bag. I took the dirty diaper, wrapped it in a disposal bag before throwing it in the garbage can. After washing my hands, I went back to the changing station and helped out Wonhee. It was then, while she picked up the baby into her arms, that I noticed her eyes even though she tried hard to avoid mine. Have you been crying? I asked, tilting my head to the side to get a clearer view of her eyes. Which I shouldnt have done because it only made Wonhee break down again. Oh, Wonhee-yah Wonhee-yah I moved closer to give her a hug, the baby almost squeezed in between us. Aaah! Dah! complained Youngbae. I pulled away and gazed into Wonhees eyes. Pabo-yah Why didnt you tell me you fell in love with Yisung? Wonhee looked down and shook her head and for a few seconds, no words came out of her mouth. Then finally, she looked at me. I dont know how I feel, Sunmi. I know my feelings for Yisung arent the same as my feelings for Youngwoo, but a part of me was okay with him, you know. I didnt mind ending up with him Mummah! Youngbae said, reaching up his hand to squeeze Wonhees face. And this one, Wonhee said, glancing down at the baby. Im really going to miss spending time with him, you know. And it doesnt help that he calls me Mummah. Have you talked to Yisung about this? I asked, although I already knew the answer. Of course, Wonhee wouldnt talk to Yisung about how she felt about the situation. Wonhee was in a very tight bind.

Yisung is really nice to me, Sunmi. But I know he would never be able to love me. He would never be able to love anyone the way he loved Irene. I already know this thats why I never really allowed myself to fall in love with him either, but still I feel sad. Her voice wavered. Wonhee, its not like Yisung and Youngbae are going to disappear just because Irene and Eli are coming. They live in the U.S. Sooner or later theyre going to go back to their home. Theyre only here for vacation. Wonhee just gave me a faint smile. I took a paper towel out of a dispenser and blotted Wonhees eyes dry with it. Luckily, her eyes were not swollen, and by the time we stepped out of the restroom, no indication of Wonhees sadness was evident in her eyes. At least maybe not to Yisung.

***********
They arrived a little after three, late but in style. They stood out among the newly-arrived passengers that swarmed the arrival gate. I had never seen Irene in pictures, and if I had, I was sure the camera couldnt capture her entire beauty. I had seen so many beautiful women before, but there was something about Irene Kim that got me mesmerized like no other. She had the irresistible charm of a girl-next-door and the regality of a princess, the cheerfulness and warmth of a sunny summer day as she smiled and waved at Yisung, who looked like he was about to choke from happiness as he watched her make her way toward him. Daddy! Eli, their seven-year-old son ran toward Yisung. Yisung picked him up once he was out of the gate and held him in his arms for what seemed like forever. Wonhee and I just kept our distance, watching the three of them reunite. We were far enough not to intrude but close enough to hear everything. Youngbae was sleeping, his head against Wonhees shoulder, his mouth sucking a pacifier. Eli, youre too heavy for Daddy Irene said in perfect, American English. Yisung shook his head at Irene and said, Hes fine. Then he pulled himself out of the hug and took a look at his son. Daddy, look, Eli said and pulled the side of his mouth with his finger, showing Yisung a gap between his teeth. I lost this tooth the other day. Oh, really? Lemme see. Yisung took a closer look. I could hear only the slightest Korean accent in his English. Did it hurt? Uh-uh Eli said, shaking his head. I was eating bagel for breakfast and it just fell off. I didnt feel a thing! Yisungs smile was incomparable. Did you get anything from the tooth fairy? Yeah. Eli pulled something out of his coat pocket. It was a five dollar bill which he proudly showed to his dad. Five dollars! Yisung exclaimed in surprise, sneaking a wink at Irene. Eli smiled and put the money back to his pocket.

At that moment, Irene turned to the side andsaw us. Oh Youngbae is here? she said as she made her way toward us. She parked her carry-on trolley on the side. Hi! You must be Wonhee, she said in Korean and extended a hand to Wonhee. Im Irene. H-Hi Wonhee said, slightly bowing her head before shaking Irenes hand. Nice to meet you. Irene turned to me. And youre Sunmi? Irene asked. I shook her hand as well. Then Irene turned her attention to the baby. She smiled. He looks exactly like Eli when he was his age. May I hold him? she asked while stroking Youngbaes head. Without hesitation, Wonhee gave the baby to Irene. His eyes were still closed, but once Irene placed his head against her shoulder, he blinked his eyes open. Groggily, he looked up at Irene. Seeing that she was unfamiliar, he started crying and looked around. Upon seeing Wonhee, he leaned his body sideward, as though he wanted to go back to Wonhee. Im sorry, Wonhee apologized for the baby. He usually needs a little bit of time to warm up to people. Its fine, Irene said, stroking Youngbaes head again. He must feel really comfortable with you. He does, but it took a few weeks before he started getting comfortable with me. Wonhee chuckled and looked down at Youngbae. I knew she must have felt misty-eyed and looked down so Irene wouldnt notice. She must already felt nostalgic, knowing that sooner or later shed have to let Yisung and Youngbae go. She raised her head up but still not looking at Irene straight in the eye, simultaneously handing the baby back to her. I think its better if Youngbae started warming up to you now Irene looked at Wonhee with a hint of surprise evident on her face. But she didnt question Wonhee, though, and instead took the baby in her arms again. Youngbae twisted his body around and wanted to go back to Wonhee, but Wonhee walked away and stood behind me, where Youngbae could not see her. Irene walked toward Yisung, who was still engrossed in his father-and-son moment with Eli. When Irene and Youngbae finally joined them, I couldnt deny the fact that they looked like a perfect, beautiful family. Youngbae just fit right in. Yisung really wants her to be back in his life, you know. And if that happens, I think its better if Youngbae is already used to her presence. I whirled around to look at Wonhee, empathy showing in my eyes, for sure. She looked at me sideways, her smile closed-lip, her eyes sad. They had a few moments of family time while waiting for their baggage at the carousel. Yisung and Eli got a cart. Yisung let Eli put in the money and pull the cart out of the line. A few minutes later, the carousel finally started to move. Yisung hauled all three luggage out of the carousel and arranged them in the cart. He pushed the cart toward us, with Irene, whos still holding Youngbae, and Eli following him. Youngbae seemed to warm up to Irene now. He was deeply engaged in the big button on Irenes coat. Daddy, can we get something to eat? Im hungry, Eli said. He was holding Yisungs coattail. He barely ate on the plane, Irene informed Yisung. Okay. We can go somewhere. Where do you wanna go, Sport? Yisung asked his son. I want some pizza, Eli replied. Okay, well have pizza then. Then later Were going to HoLee MoLee. Its Uncle Jaewoongs birthday, Yisung told Eli. Remember Uncle Jaewoong? He gave you the Star Wars Lego set before? Eli nodded.

Oh, shoot! I exclaimed, remembering that I was supposed to meet up with Jaewoong in less than an hour. Yisung-ah, we have to go. Were supposed to meet Jaewoong at Avondales in less than an hour. I dont think we can join you for pizza. We had planned to surprise Jaewoong for his birthday. It was already part of our plan that we distract him while the gang set up the restaurant (which was closed to public for the day). And it was already part of our plan to make seeing Jaewoong as an excuse to give Yisung and Youngbae some alone time with Irene and Eli. Cant you at least have something to drink with us? Irene asked. Im so sorry, Irene, but we really do have to go. Jaewoong would be waiting for us. But well see you later though. I gave Yisung and Irene a hug, so did Wonhee. Then we kissed both kids goodbye before we headed out of the airport to go to the public transportation area. When I looked back at them, they were already heading out to the parking lot, looking exactly what I was afraid to envision beforea perfect family that didnt include Wonhee.

Chapter 26: Finding Peachland Part 2

Jaewoong-ah, I hope you dont mind me tagging along with you, Wonhee said, stepping out of Avondales as Jaewoong held the door open for us and for a couple of ahjummas coming in from the crowded street. This line was part of our rehearsed act, something Wonhee and I felt we needed to do to keep Jaewoong from suspecting something. His cousins worked really hard to keep the birthday dinner a surprise. Now, why would I mind, Wonhee? Jaewoong said, letting go of the door as soon as the two old ladies were inside. He stepped in between us and started wrapping his striped gray scarf around his neck over his unbuttoned black pea coat as we walked toward the intersection. I dont know I just feel like Im disturbing you and Sunmi Wonhees voice trailed off as I shot her a look.That line was not part of our rehearsed dialogue! She was trying to make it sound as though Jaewoong and I were going to have a date, and somehow it made me blush. Jaewoong chuckled. Glancing surreptitiously at him, I could see that trademark half-smirk of his, like he just thought of something amusing, making me feel even more flushed. Aish! Is he thinking of how he finally got me to kiss him. Omo Omo Why do I feel so hot despite this cold February weather? I loosen the scarf around my neck and tried to act as cool as I could. Were both Jaewoongs friends, Wonhee-yah. If he wants to treat me to dinner, then he sure could treat you, too. Thats right. Jaewoong looked at me with this proud look, tapping the crown of my head as he said, Bug, how come youre so smart? I pushed his hand away as I rolled my eyes. Although he would occasionally set my heart aflutter with his half-smirks (that, for some reason, only I would notice), he always knew how to lighten up the atmosphere with his lighthearted comments and casual demeanor. Aigoo My bug has a brain, he added, pinching me on my cheek. I scowled at him, making him chuckle even more. My bug now that made me very giddy inside. I had to press my lips together to prevent myself from smiling like an idiot. Come here, Bug. You look cold, he said, wrapping his arm around me and pulling me close to him. I was mortified. He and I agreed there would be no PDAs whatsoever as long as his arranged marriage business with Chaerim was not settled. But here he was, in the middle of a busy Gangnam street, trying to trap me inside his embrace. Yah! Yah! I exclaimed, wriggling free from his arm. What do you think youre doing? He just smiled, his teasing eyes lingering on me longer than I wanted them to. Is there something going on between you two? Wonhee asked, a knowing smile dancing across her lips. Of course she knew there was something going on between me and Jaewoong. Id told her everything that happened between us that night-- from the awkward moments in the apartment to his confession and our kiss--but I told her not to tell a soul about it. Still, she could not avoid teasing me in silence with that Iknow-what-you-did-last-week look on her face. I quickened my pace, partly because the pedestrian light ahead was now flashing red numbers in descending order, but mostly because I wanted to avoid answering Wonhees question in front of

Jaewoong. Of course I didnt have to answer Wonhee because she already knew. But I had a feeling Jaewoong would not let that question go unanswered. I reached the end of the sidewalk when the pedestrian light was flashing the number 9. I was about to step on to the street to cross it when I felt Jaewoongs firm grip on the back of my arm. Lets just wait for the next one, he said. When Wonhee stepped in next to him, he added, Besides, you have a question to answer He looked at Wonhee, the corner of his lips lifting up. Doesnt she, Wonhee-ssi? I lightly shook my head at Wonhee, signaling her no. Yes, she does, Wonhee replied with a smile so big I almost forgot her love life took a downswing just an hour ago. Of course, she would say yes, but I couldnt exactly get mad at her for riding along with Jaewoong. I felt good that it made her smile, even at my expense. Jaewoong took a step closer toward me, his eyes gazing down at me expectantly as I struggled to keep a deadpan face. His lips started to curl up into that half-smile again, as though hed just clinched victory of this undeclared war. He looked assured that I was going to admit out loud to Wonhee, with all these strangers around us, that indeed there was something going on between us. So? he asked, taking yet another step closer so that now are arms grazed, sending unbidden electricity throughout my body. Damn. How can he look so hot in a peacoat? What is going on between us I repeated the statement in question. There was definitely something going on between us. There had always been. But it was rather hard to put a label on it, to say that it was this or that without having to tag along an essay of explanation. I could definitely not say I was his girlfriend because he had not asked me to be one and of course, he still had Chaerim, the legal girlfriend. Ugh! I hated it whenever I over-think things between us because it made me remember the complexity of the situation we were in. Were waiting, Bug, Jaewoong reminded me. Hmm What is going on between us I repeated again, watching the pedestrian light across the street, cocking my head to the side as though I was really considering the question. Then I glanced up at Jaewoong, who was still looking down at me, expectant, waiting for my answer. Beats me, I stated with a shrug. What? he said, sounding incredulous. as though he wasnt expecting me to reply that way. The pedestrian walk light was now signaling a go. Wonhee and I stepped off the curb together with the slew of people waiting to cross, leaving Jaewoong a few steps behind, his reaction to the traffic light delayed by my nonchalant answer. Jaewoong finally caught up with us just when we reached the other side of the street, but his phone rang, distracting him, leaving him unable to do a follow-up question to my reply. He paused to answer his phone while Wonhee and I continued walking forward, leaving him behind. He seems happy, Sunmi, Wonhee remarked, chuckling, casting Jaewoong a furtive glance over her shoulder. Like a little boy whos got a new toy. Great. Im a new toy, I said, my tone laced with sarcasm. I didnt mean that, Wonhee disagreed. I meant you know Hes found happiness in you. Upon realizing that Jaewoong was no longer close behind us, I stopped walking and turned around, stepping aside, away from the pedestrian traffic. Jaewoong was a few feet away, still at the intersection where hed picked the call, standing by a huge flower pot near the curb. His one hand was holding the phone against his ear, his other in his pocket. His tone and demeanor were all business-like right now, a hundred-eighty turn from his playful persona a few minutes ago, which made me realize that I couldnt

deny the truth that Wonhee had just pointed outJaewoong did seem to be high-spirited around me these days. I guess he is happy, I said, letting out a satisfied sigh. After all the dejection that plagued his childhood, I believed he deserved some contentment and well-being in his life, and I was glad I was helping him achieve those. Jaewoong looked up and our eyes met. I smiled fondly at him. He held an index finger up, signaling that hed be done in a minute. But before that minute was over, he finished his conversation with whoever it was on the phone and finally walked toward us. Sorry, ladies, he said when he joined us. Thanks for waiting. Who was that? Your grandpa? I asked. We started walking again, slowly and abreast. No It was the contractor for the new ski resort were building, he replied, his ungloved hand brushing my bare fingers, perhaps accidentally on purpose. I smiled deep inside, unable to stop myself from getting giddy. Feeling a bit bold, I held the tips of his fingers, his skin surprisingly warm in this cold weather. He looked down at me with a questioning look on his face. Are you cold? he asked. Huh? I stared at him, a bit startled, immediately pulling my hand away from his fingers. Uh Before I could think of a sensible reply, he grabbed my hand, interlaced my fingers with his, and placed it inside his coat pocket. It happened so fast I wasnt able to refuse him. My ears and my scalp started to prickle with happiness and anxiety combined. What if someone we knew saw us? I looked around the crowd; they all seemed like robots programmed to do just one thingto reach their destination on time, having no time to observe trivial things like Jaewoongs hand holding mine. Wonhee didnt even notice. She was busy texting, probably Yisung or Youngwoo or Jihyun, telling them that we were nearing the destination. Where are we going, by the way? Jaewoong asked, his hand tightening his grip as I attempted to wiggle mine out of it for fear that someone might see us. I thought you already picked the restaurant, I said. No. You said youll choose the restaurant because you agreed that Id pay for dinner, Jaewoong reminded me. I totally forgot what our previous discussion about dinner was. Something about me treating him to dinner and him arguing that it was out of the question. Oh can we go to HoLee MoLee then? I said. Wonhee-yah, is HoLee MoLee okay? Yeah, sure, Wonhee replied, still oblivious or pretending to be oblivious to my hand holding Jaewoongs inside his coat pocket. Jaewoong had a disapproving look on his face. Uh can we go somewhere else? HoLee MoLee can get very crowded around this time. Wonhee and I exchanged looks. And I thought things would go smoothly. Thats fine, Jaewoong-ssi, Wonhee said. I raised my eyebrows at her. She continued, I just need to stop by HoLee MoLee first. I just wanna say hi to a friend. In a few minutes, we arrived outside HoLee MoLee. I pulled my hand out of Jaewoongs pocket, telling him that I needed to get something from my bag. Were just going to wait for you outside, Wonhee, okay? Jaewoong said.

Ah okay, Wonhee replied and looked at me as though to say that everything is in my hands now. I persuaded Jaewoong to go inside the restaurant, but he preferred to stand outside. Thats strange, he said, observing the restaurant through its glass doors. He cocked his head to the side, a contemplating look on his face came into view. Theres usually a lot of people waiting for tables around this time. But the place looks empty. Huh Hmm Interesting, I said, taking a stealthy glance at my phone to see if Wonhee sent me a signal to go in or something. Nada. I thought of something to distract Jaewoong before his curiosity would lead him further into the restaurant. The Lee cousins had been planning this surprise birthday dinner for quite a while now. Jaewoongs birthday wasnt until tomorrow, but Youngwoo had told me and Wonhee that the Lee family had something else planned for his birthday, so if we wanted to surprise Jaewoong, it would be better to do it the day before. It worked out fine since many of his friends were able to make it. I felt I had a tremendous responsibility not to ruin it. So, Jaewoong-ah, have you thought of what to do on your birthd-- Maybe we should just eat here since nobodys around, he said, cutting me off. He reached for the door handle and opened it. Wait!!! I screamed. Jaewoong froze with the door half-open and he gave me that what-in-the-world-isthe-matter-with-your-head look. I chuckled with embarrassment. One moment please? I asked and immediately dialed Wonhees number. To my relief, she answered. Should I deliver the package? The package wants to be delivered, I said, trying to cover my mouth with my hand. I couldnt have looked more suspicious. If I were doing this in a secret agent school, this very gesture would have earned me a good kick in the butt and a big, fat F for Fool. Jaewoong raised his brows at me as he let go of the door. Package? What package? Wonhee asked. Oh yeah, I forgot. Talking like a Mission Impossible agent was not previously rehearsed or discussed. Epic failure number two. I pivoted away from Jaewoong and whispered, Wonhee, hes about to go in. Are you guys ready? Oh I dont know. Let me ask, Wonhee said. Hey, you guys! Jaewoong is about to enter the restaurant. Are we ready? she asked the people around her. Wait Let me just put these flowers on the table, a girl in the background said. It sounded like Jihyun, the main coordinator of this event. Now were ready! Okay, send the package in, Wonhee instructed me, finally catching up with the secret agent lingo. I hung up and switched myself into acting mode, directing Jaewoong inside the restaurant, ignoring the questioning look on his face. There was nothing inside the restaurant that gave out the surprise. It was quiet save for the soothing traditional Chinese guzheng music in the background that seemed to bring me to the calm lake waters beneath the karst hills of China. The same staff was present the same hosts who had greeted us with warm smiles before, the same servers who had waited on us with exceptional heed. The girl wearing a tight red floral qipao with a slit running up to her thigh ushered us to the heart of the restaurant where stood a very long table covered in white cloth, adorned with winter flowers like Snowdrops and Christmas Roses, and set with plain white china. Jaewoong scanned the long table and gave the usherette a baffled look. Uh we only need a table for-- SURPRIIIIIIISE!

People jumped up from their hiding places--behind the bar, the other side of the table, under the other tablesthrowing their arms in the air. Their voices filled the entire restaurant, drowning out the traditional Chinese music in the background, rendering Jaewoong speechless. Colorful silly strings and a confetti of metallic blues and greens were thrown above us, many of which landed on our hair. The younger Lee kidsSeungki, Joonki, Jaebeomwere holding up a banner that said, Happy Birthday, Jaewoong-hyung!!! Eli, Yisung, and Irene waved hand clappers around, making a loud cluck-cluck noise while Youngbae chewed on his. The rest of the guests blew horns and blowouts, making this event seem like a New Years eve party. The glow on Jaewoongs face was priceless, like a little kid who just stepped into Disneyland, the happiest place on earth. He looked around the restaurant and was clearly delighted that all of his cousins and close friends (who could make it) were there. He introduced everyone to everyone. There was Kim Raewook, someone I recognized as a frequent wall-poster on Jaewoongs Facebook, the sisters Ann and Avery Lee, the biggest flirts on the Lee cousins Facebook pages, Ahn Jinsung, the captain of Jaewoongs high school soccer varsity team, Gong Jihwan and Uhm Kijoon, his college roommates, and Park Sungbin, one of the brothers I met in Hokkaido. Sungbin gave me a look of familiarity as I shook his hand, maybe recognizing me from before. I remembered Jaewoong introduced me as his girlfriend back in Hokkaido. But Sungbin didnt say anything, to my relief, because of course, he knew about Jaewoongs engagement to Chaerim. They asked where Chaerim was and Jaewoong told them that she went back to America. They kept blabbering about Jaewoongs engagement, so I slowly eased my way out of the group to stop my jealousy from growing exponentially. Jaewoongs friends ended up pulling him to sit with them on one side of the table near the side window of the restaurant, and I ended up sitting on the other end with Hyunki on my right and Wonhee on my left. We were all facing the front of the restaurant, the big glass windows allowing us to see the activities going on outside. Right across from me was Irene. On her right was an empty chair reserved for her friend and on her left was Youngbae sitting comfortably on his high chair, banging the hand clappers on the table top, creating a very sharp sound that was nothing but annoying to the ears. Han! hed scream after every strike. Yisung, who was sitting next to Youngbae, was trying his best to keep his son from slamming the hand clappers on the table top. To make the noise dull, Yisung put his hand where Youngbae would strike so that the hand clapper would hit his palm instead of the table tops surface. When Youngbae was momentarily distracted by the blue balloon that Irene tied to the side of his high chair, Yisung took the hand clapper away from Youngbae at once. That was the end of the cluck-cluck sound at our table. However, over at the younger Lee kids table, the celebration continued with the hand clappers, the horns, and the blowouts until their Youngwoo-hyung demanded they cut it out right away. Obviously fearful of their Youngwoo-hyung, they complied with his command and switched their attention to Seungkis tablet computer. Some moments later, the food was served. We started out with appetizers that included fried organic tofu and lobster dumplings, followed by a special birds nest soup made of cave swifts nests imported from Thailand. I thought we were having Shark Fin Soup? Hyunki remarked as the servers filled our bowls with the Birds Nest Soup. Jihyun was strongly against getting it, Jungho said. Eh? Wasnt it her favorite before? Hyunki asked then scooped a spoonful of his thick soup from his bowl. Jihyun is now a benefactor of the Wildlife Conservatory Society, Jungho said, taking a sip of his soup without blowing to cool it first. Consequently, he burned his tongue. Fox sox! Thats hot! he exclaimed. How long is this recent obsession going to last, Jihyunnie? Hopefully longer than your last relationship, Hyunki said, snickering, obviously mocking Jihyuns new interest. Jihyun managed to ignore him and focused her attention on Jaewoongs friends who started asking her questions about the society.

While I watched Jaewoong talk with Jihyun and his friends, something unbidden plucked at my heart. Call it jealousy or what, I just suddenly felt like I didnt belong in his world. Stupid, I know, but we had never told anyone about our relationship and it made me feel like it wasnt real sometimes, that it was just a product of some writers imagination. I was very insecure, thats for sure. I wondered if I should be in that kind of relationship with Jaewoong if I didnt feel complete security in it. Like people say, if a relationship has to be a secret, then you shouldnt be in it. But I was in it and I wanted to be in it even though logic prescribed not to. All kinds of thoughts eddied in my head as I turned my gaze away from Jaewoong. I tried to find something to focus my eyes on while I fought to stop these stupid thoughts from pulling me further into the dark corners of insecurity. God forbid Id do something rash and stupid again, like break up with Jaewoong without warning. My mind flashed back to the night when Jaewoong and I first talked after I left him in Hokkaido. The pain in his eyes as he asked me why, how his voice wavered and all they were all still vivid in my memory. I knew I couldnt possibly do that to him again. Most of all, I couldnt do that to me. If I was not destined to find Peachland in this world, then I at least owed it to myself to find true love. Maybe true love was the Peachland the train lady was talking about. And I found it in Jaewoong. So sue me for giving true love a chance. My phone chimeda new text tone I assigned for Jaewoongs text messagesmaking my heart skip and my lips break into a smile. Birdface: Come sit with me. I smiled even more. Just that one message and all my insecurities were gone, gusted into oblivion. He had that kind of power over me, a magician who didnt even need a wand to turn my mood around. I replied to his message without raising my head to look at him, but I knew his eyes were on me. I could feel them. I smiled bigger to let him know that I appreciated his text message. Me: Where? Theres no more room. I made sure I turned my phone to vibrate to keep away suspicions that Jaewoong and I were texting each other in case hed reply. And he did. Birdface: Ill kick Jihyun out of her seat. Lol. Me: Thats mean. You know, you owe this party to her. Birdface: I know Well, theres always my lap. You can sit on it. Its not taken :D Me: Maybe when Im blind drunk. But now that I can still think straight, I have to decline. as tempting as it sounds, I wanted to add. I felt red pigments creeping up my face at the thought of me attempting to send him something as flirtatious as that. Birdface: Why are you turning red? You like the idea, dont you? :D :D :D Me: What?!? What the hell kind of wine are you drinking? Youre already delusional. But the fact of the matter was, I did entertain the idea in my head, even for just a brief second, and I did like it. It wasnt the first time, actually. I had thought of many more rated R ideas and scenarios in my head more than once before ever since that night at his apartment when we kissed and finally opened up our feelings and cleared misunderstandings. Wonhee said I was definitely S.P.O.dSexually Pre-

Occupied. Aptly termed, I had to admit. Having a hot boyfriend definitely could take your imagination to places you wouldnt even dare go to in the past. Birdface: LOL. Well, a boyfriend can dream, right? Birdface: Ill talk to you later. Well go somewhere. Just the two of us. Damn Jaewoong and his propensity for not-so-subtle flirting! Well go somewhere Just the two of us My imagination went over the roof. I was becoming hopelessly and terminally S.P.O.d. A moment later, waitresses started serving our main course, leaving no empty spaces on our table. There was too much food, enough to choke a horse, and the sight of the overabundance of food made my stomach growl, drawing me out of S.P.O. mode. After a prayer of gratitude led by Jihyun, everybody started filling their plates with small portions of the dishes. Hyunki-yah, come sit next to me, Jungho said, reaching for Hyunkis arm, pulling him to the empty seat between them. Actually, Youngwoo-hyung told me to leave it empty, Hyunki replied as he worked on his second lobster tail. Why? Jungho asked, his eyes fleeted from Hyunki to Youngwoo as though hes suspecting a conspiracy. Coz Im reserving it for Kim InMyeong, Youngwoo replied, overhearing the conversation, as he sliced a bite-size portion of his tenderloin steak. K-Kim InMyeong? Jungho asked, eyes bulging with unpleasant surprise, obviously not delighted with the news. Yeah, Youngwoo said before shoving a piece of the steak into his mouth. Jungho dropped his fork, which clanged loudly against the plate. Why would you want me to sit with Kim InMyeong? he asked, interrupting Youngwoo yet again from eating his food in peace. Coz your mom said so, Youngwoo replied, now getting irritated. So you two can talk, obviously, Yisung chimed in. Why would she want to do that? We dont have anything to talk about. I havent seen her in years! Well, then, the better. You two can catch up, Youngwoo said. And bond, maybe, Yisung added with a smirk. Beside me, Hyunki was making a weird nasal noise, the kind of sound one makes when trying to breathe and suppress laughter at the same time. Eww! I dont want to sit next to Kim InMyeong. Shes butt-ugly! Jungho declared and pulled Hyunki next to him. Aah! Hyunki exclaimed, trying to shake off Junghos grip. Hyung! He looked at Youngwoo, questing for help.

At that same moment, Yisung shot Jungho a look from across the table. Choi Jungho! His voice was loud and firm, jolting many of us. You shouldnt call women butt-ugly. Thats not nice, he added in a softer voice. Yah, Choi Jungho, how can you say that? Jaewoong asked with a reprimanding look that matched all of his other cousins facial expressions. Do you have any idea how much InMyeong had been through because of shallow people like you? I had no idea who this InMyeong girl was, but I had a feeling she had self-image issues and, by the looks of it, didnt have many friends. The Lee kids, with the exception of Jungho (and maybe Hyunki) were nice enough to include her in their circle of popular friends. Choi Jungho, havent you learned anything? You shouldnt judge a person from the outside. Its whats inside thats important, Youngwoo said, trying to keep his voice calm. He shook his head while reaching for his drink. No wonder you dont have a girlfriend. I looked at Jungho. He was now crimson, the redness boring into his pores. I wasnt sure if it was from anger or from the wine he was drinking. Or maybe from embarrassment. Id be embarrassed, too, if my older cousins were scolding me in front of our friends. So maybe it was all three combined. And I should take advice from someone whose girlfriend ran away for no reason? Jungho said, his words full of sordid sarcasm, his face impassive, however. I heard a concurrent gasp from everyone on the table who was privy of the Youngwoo-Minjoo situation. Nowadays, it was almost taboo to mention Minjoos name in front Youngwoo. Oppa! Jihyun called out, at a nonplus. Yisung shot him another look, this time more piercing than the first. You indolent son of a-- Yisung-ah! Irene interrupted, placing a firm hand on his shoulder, to calm him down. Choi Jungho, what the hell is wrong with you? Jaewoong yelled at Jungho. Everybody had been mum on the Minjoo-leaving-Youngwoo subject to spare Youngwoo the embarrassment. But now, just because of one tactless tongue, the issue was released in the open, leaving everyone agape with incredulity. I looked at Youngwoo, gauging his reaction, waiting for him to unleash his fury, but he did nothing. He just continued eating his steak, one small piece after another, keeping a calm exterior, as though he didnt hear anything Jungho said. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Wonhee holding her breath, watching Youngwoo with eyes covered with pity for him, commiserating in silence. I couldnt imagine how bad it must have hurt to watch a man you love hurting from losing the love of another woman. It was double torture. Wonheeyah, I whispered, taking her hand in mine under the white table cover. She looked away, blinking as she reached for the glass of water in front of her. My heart actually ached for her more than it ached for Youngwoo. Everybody knew how much Youngwoo suffered, how sullen he had become, how lost, but nobody was aware of the emotional crash Wonhee felt from a man who confessed his feelings to her and took it back even before the idea sunk in. She might have found refuge in Yisungs friendliness, but that just sprung back confusion and more devastation in the end. I squeezed her hand, the only thing I could do as of this moment. Yisung was still glaring at Jungho. I could almost feel invisible laser beams shooting one after another. When Jungho looked up and met his eyes, he jerked his head to Youngwoos direction and mouthed, Apologize. Now!

Jungho seemed to understand the wrongness of his actions, his remorse dawning immediately. He swallowed the food in his mouth, looking all nervous, Youngwoo-hyung Im sorry I-I didnt mean to say any of it, he said, regret audible in his unsteady voice. Youngwoo just nodded. Quiet. Nonchalant almost. Not the reaction I thought he would have because I expected him to boil over immediately after Jungho mentioned his flawed relationship with Minjoo. Aish, whats with this atmosphere? Kim Raewook said. Hey, hey why dont we tell stories about Jaewoong in high school instead? That should liven up the atmosphere. Its a good idea, right? Right? He raised a glass of wine to urge us to agree in a form of toast. What?!? Yah! Why me? Jaewoong asked, giving me an alarmed look, as though he was mortified by the idea of me discovering more of his not-so-perfect past. Why not? Its your birthday, Uhm Kijoon said. Remember that time when you came to school with a hickey? Park Sungbin said, commencing what might be Jaewoongs newest nightmare. Yah, that was not a hickey! That was a mosquito bite! Jaewoong said, turning beet red in an instant. No You said it was a hickey that your new girlfriend gave you, Sungbin disagreed. Jaewoong does not kiss and tell, Yisung said in Jaewoongs defense. Thank you, Hyung. At least someone in here is truthful, Jaewoong said, looking relieved. Oh, I remember. You just started dating SuAnna then, and you showed off her pictures around school. You said she was the one who gave you the hickey, Ahn Jinsung added, disregarding Yisungs words. Jaewoong glanced at me and I rolled my eyes away. It was rather hard not to get jealous of SuAnna. They shared so many good memories together, although I wouldnt categorize Suanna giving him a hickey a particularly good memory. I knew for a fact that he still cared about her, although not in a way I was afraid of. He always assured me that he and SuAnna were over. Actually, I was the one who spread that rumor, Hyunki admitted, laughing as though Jaewoongs shame had such a high entertainment value. You little turd! Jaewoong exclaimed in disbelief. That was you? Then, Uhm Kijoon added, And remember that one Christmas when you couldnt meet up with us for a drink because you were so sore and tired after you and SuAnna did it all nig-- Yah! Yah! Jaewoong interjected, leaving Uhm Kijoon unable to finish. But I already knew what he was trying to say. Oh God. I didnt need to hear that. I never said that! You just assumed... Sorry, Hyung. I did that, too, Hyunki said. I was mad that you told grandma about my cigarettes. Okay. So maybe they were just rumors that Hyunki passed around, but now I couldnt help having unwelcome visions of Jaewoong and Suanna in bed together, her sucking Jaewoongs neck like a vampire. Jaewoong glanced at me once again, but I made sure I avoided his eyes. Birdface: Whats with your face? Dont tell me youre being jealous right now. Birdface: Dont listen to these morons.

Me: How can I not? Theyre right there! And theyre talking about your precious SuAnna Me: And here we are, we cant even sit together. Birdface: I told you to sit next to me! Me: You know what I mean. Birdface: Do you want me to tell them youre my girlfriend? Coz I will. Right now. Me: Shit no! Birdface: Get rid of that broody face then. I pouted even more. I couldnt even get jealous in the open. What the hell kind of communism is this? Birdface: Okay, Im doing it. Im telling them. Jaewoong simultaneously stood up. All eyes looked up at him. Guys I have something to announce I frantically sent him another text message from under the table. Me: Okay! Okay! Im getting rid of my broody face. Aaargh! Me: Youve been behaving so bad, Lee Jaewoong. Me: Youre gonna get a spanking from me later. The last text didnt sound the way I wanted it to sound, I just realized now, after hitting the send button. But too late now. Jaewoong already got it and was reading it in front of everyone. The side of his lips quirked up. What announcement? everybody asked. Jaewoong scratched the side of his face. Uhm I just wanna announce to you all that I really need to go to the bathroom. He then scarpered out of the limelight, toward the restroom. People around the table laughed. Tch, just because it is his birthday dinner doesnt mean he needs to announce little things like going to the bathroom, Hyunki muttered. He was just trying to stop us from talking about his past, Ann Lee pointed out. My phone vibrated just as Kim Raewook said something about SuAnna having a hard time right now. I wanted to listen in to the conversation but Jaewoongs text deflected me from doing so. Birdface: Spank me where? :D Me: Eww! I didnt mean it that way. Birdface: Mean it what way? Me: You know like that.

Birdface: Like what? Me: Jae, youre making me really frustrated right now. Birdface: I know. Me: You know? Birdface: Yeah :P Me: You have to apologize. Birdface: Come to the restroom and Ill say sorry. And just like that, I was back to my S.P.O. state. Shit, Lee Jaewoong! He was so not helping me escape the torturous confines of S.P.O. land. I put my phone away, my heart beating so loud I felt like Id just eaten a drum for dinner. Should I go? I shouldnt. Oh, hell. Why not? I stood up and told Wonhee Id go to the restroom. People around me were talking about some person they knew who committed suicide or attempted suicide I couldnt really pay attention to what they were saying now. My mind was somewhere else. In the bathroom, to be specific, already committing moral suicide. In every step I took toward the restroom, my nervousness and anxiety heightened, my heart about to explode. There was something about our relationship being secret that was spine-tingling. What is he going to do? I thought as I fiddled with my fingers. What the heck am I thinking? Hes just going to say sorry, of course. Sunmi, stop this S.P.O. shit, right now! There were two doors at the end of that mustard-yellow hallway, and I didnt know which one I should go to. The mens restroom or the womens? I had to slap my face to think straight. Of course I have to go to the womens restroom. Im here to use the bathroom, not to see Jaewoong. Or am I? I was about five feet away from the door when I was rendered immobile by two strong arms hugging me from behind. Jaewoong. Where the heck did he come from? I felt him planting a kiss on the back of my head. I turned around, mock-punching him. Yah, why are you being so frustrating today? I asked. Because I can, he said, giving me a half-smile. He snaked his arms around my waist and pulled me closer. With his tantalizing brown eyes that looked at me as though he knew my latest secret and teasing lips that quirked up when my eyes started blinking my nervousness away, it was rather hard for me to get out of the SPO zone. Do you have something to say? I had to pretend that I was here for the apology and the apology only. Im sorry, he said. He leaned over and gave me a long kiss. He tasted like buttered lobster dipped in red wine, delicious in every sense of the word. As much as I wanted for that kiss to linger a little longer, I had to push him away, afraid that someone might see us. Go back now. They might get suspicious, I said, pushing him away even more. Jaewoong motioned to reach my hand once again when we heard the clacking sound of shoes nearby. I brushed his hand away before it could get a grip of my arm. To my relief, the clacking shoes belonged to Wonhee. She paused for a moment upon seeing us before she continued her way to the restroom.

You two are acting very suspicious right now. Everybodys gonna wonder, Wonhee said as she passed us. Go back now! I urged Jaewoong, and before he could say something or do something, I followed Wonhee to the restroom. You know Im not against you two dating, but if you keep this up, people are going to interfere and break you guys up sooner than later. If you two want to see each other longer, you better be discreet, especially around his family and friends, Wonhee warned when we were washing our hands. I didnt do anything! Its him It doesnt matter who the initiator is. You two have got to talk about it. Im just letting you know that youre putting your relationship in danger if you two cant keep your hands off each other. I know, I said, feeling bad, scared, and chagrined all at the same time. Ill talk to him about it. When Wonhee and I got back to the table, everybody was playing some kind of a drinking contest, and judging by the number of shot glasses in front of Youngwoo, I could only conclude that he lost the most recent round. Ahrin-ah, is your friend still coming? Yisung asked as we took our seats, diverting his attention away from the drinking contest participants to Irene. Yeah, she is. She should be here any minute now. She was just stuck in traffic for a while. Irenes friend arrived a few minutes later, and to Hyunkis horror, Irenes friend turned out to be Officer Mai. What the heeeeell? Hyunki muttered next to me, dropping his fork on his plate, looking like hed just seen a ghost. He was partially traumatized after Officer Mai pulled us over for the car-napping suspicion a few months ago, and was even more traumatized when she threatened him via text message last December when we were at the Retreat by the Sea. After Hyunki showed his strong opposition to being match-made with Officer Mai, their potential union fizzled even before it had the chance to start. Officer Mai seemed bothered upon seeing Hyunki as well, but unlike Hyunki, she seemed to recover her composure quickly. With a smug look on her face, she sat next to Irene, right across the table from Hyunki. She and Irene exchanged hugs before Irene introduced her to Yisung. Irene was about to introduce her to us when Youngbae reached for his dinner bowl and flipped it over, spilling the pureed chick peas on to Yisung. Irene ended up cleaning Youngbaes mess instead of introducing Officer Mai to us. While Irene and Yisung busied themselves with cleaning up Youngbaes mess, Officer Mai turned to us with a sardonic smile on her face. Well, well, well If it isnt Lee CryBaby, Officer Mai said, looking straight at Hyunki. How are you, Hyunki-ssi? Has your mommy rescued you from police officers, lately? She bit her lip as though trying to bottle up her amusement. I had to admit, it was pretty funny when Hyunki called for his mom when Officer Mai interrogated him about the car. Hyunki glared at her. No. But Im sure shes gonna rescue me from a judgmental, worm-infested midget pretty soon. Officer Mai chuckled. Who? Your girlfriend? Irene, who had finished cleaning Youngbaes hand with wet handwipes, turned to us. She looked at Officer Mai and then at Hyunki. You two know each other?

No, not really, Officer Mai quickly answered. But we met once twice before. She picked up the glass of red wine in front of her and took a sip of it. When she placed her glass back down, she looked directly at Hyunki with a trace of a devilish smile on her lips before smacking them aloud. Irene then formally introduced Officer Mai to us. So, have you gone to any blind dates recently, Mai Hani-ssi? Hyunki asked, picking up his glass of wine, his eyes never leaving hers. I could feel a war of words looming. No. Im giving up actually. I only seem to get paired up with spoiled, immature rich guys, she said in a very flat tone. Irenes eyebrows rose. Hani-yah, I didnt know you went on blind dates! Oh, just once, Hani said with a slight shrug of her left shoulder. Just once? Why? Was it bad? Were you traumatized? Was he ugly? Irene asked. Oh I wouldnt say hes ugly. I think he just hasnt hit puberty yet, Hani remarked. Beside me, Hyunki was turning into different shades of red, ready to explode. What? He was a minor? Irene asked, chuckling, then took a mouthful of her drink. Pretty much. It was pathetic how immature he was, Hani added. He was an hour late and then called me names after I refused to have dinner with him. I didnt arrive late on purpose! I wanted to explain to you but you wouldnt listen! Hyunki was close to heaving his breaths, his temple veins bulging. And you poured ice-cold water on me. Who the fuck then was acting immature? Hyunkis voice was loud enough to make Youngbae frown at him. Irene and Hani stared bug-eyed at Hyunki, their mouths agape. Yisung turned around and asked, What is wrong with you, Lee Hyunki? Are you drunk? How many drinks have you had? Hyunki didnt say anything. He just pushed his chair backward, stood up and walked away from our company. He sat next to Jaewoong, sharing one chair with him, never looking our way. What the hell was his problem? Yisung muttered. Yah, did you go on a blind date with him? Irene asked Hani with amusement. Hani laughed. Ill tell you about it later. Minutes later, when our stomachs were filled to capacity, a female server in gold qipao brought Jaewoongs birthday cake out. It was an extra, extra large cupcake with light blue whipped cream icing and white chocolate cream shaped in flat balloons. Yellow candles that spelled H-A-P-P-Y B-I-R-T-H-DA-Y lined across the crown of the cupcake. Another server brought a lighter out and lit the wicks in an almost fluid motion. The servers then stepped aside to let Jaewoong stand in front of the cake. We sang the Happy Birthday song, clapping our hands rhythmically until the last note. Jaewoong made a long wish before dousing all candles in one extended exhale. The servers then sliced the cake and gave each one of us a piece. While eating our dessert, we got to mingle around and get to know Jaewoongs friends better. Wonhee and I talked to the Lee sisters who were as super friendly to girls as they were super flirty with boys. Wonhee enjoyed the conversation so much since Ann was actually a writer, too, a freelance writer to be specific, who used to write on Soompi a few years ago. They were so engaged in their conversation that they didnt even notice that I stepped aside and eased my way out of the circle.

I helped Jaewoong distribute second-helping of his cake to the kids. When we were about done, Youngwoo slipped in between us and whispered, Jae, I gotta go. But Hyung, were not done celebrating my birthday yet. Were gonna go to a club or a bar later. I know. Its just that I need to do something. Ill be celebrating your real birthday with you tomorrow anyways. Ill just see you back at the apartment. Ill see you later, Sunmi, Youngwoo said and turned before Jaewoong could say more. I nodded. Jaewoong grabbed his wrist, making Youngwoo turn back. Are you okay? Yeah, Im fine, Youngwoo replied without looking at Jaewoong straight in the eye. He wasnt fine, that much I could see. He was red and tipsy from all the alcohol he had earlier, and I knew it stemmed from the incident with Jungho earlier. Jaewoongs eyes lingered on Youngwoo for a moment, studying his brother. Hyung, I think youve had one too many drink, you cant drive. Jaewoong motioned to get the car key from Youngwoos hand. Here, Ill take you home. And you think you didnt have too much to drink? I interrupted. They both turned to me. Jae, dont be ridiculous. Youve also had one too many. Look at the both of you. One look at your red faces will give you away. The police wont even bother with breathalyzers. I turned my head back to the other end of the table where Irene and Hani were sitting, chatting the night away. If Officer Mai knew about this, youll be in trouble. I took the key from Youngwoo. Ill take you home, Youngwoo-ssi. Ill go with you, Jaewoong said. Jae, you cant leave your guests here, I said. Its okay. I can take Youngwoo home. Yeah, just let Sunmi take me, Jae. You cant leave your guests, Youngwoo agreed. You didnt bring your car, did you? Youngwoo asked. Jaewoong shook his head. No. Okay then. Sunmi can just take the car back here and you drive the car back home later. Jaewoong nodded in consent. By the way, InMyeong texted. She doesnt think she can make it tonight, Youngwoo informed Jaewoong. Oh. Okay, Jaewoong said before Youngwoo turned to leave. Quietly, I followed Youngwoo out of the restaurant. Youngwoo remained taciturn as we walked to the parking lot behind the restaurant. I was only able to break the silence when I stood next to the drivers door, watching him open his side. Are you okay, Youngwoo-ssi? He got in the car without giving me an answer. He had his eyes closed when I joined him inside. Are you okay? I asked again as I cranked up the engine to life. He took a loud breath. Life can hit you pretty hard, one way or another, he started, in medias-res fashion. He opened his eyes and looked out the window. I have a lot of things that many people could only dream of. I can have anything I want, but it seems like I can never get what I really need. You miss her It was a question more than a statement, but Youngwoo did not bother to reply. He closed his eyes once again as I backed out of the parking space. I drove in silence out of the parking lot, my heart suffering from a foreign dull pain as I watched him slumped in the seat next to me. There was this uncharted force that made me want to reach out to him and hold his hand and console him, but I was

afraid that he might misinterpret things like he had before. How could I explain that I just wanted to hold him as a sister would? He was still like a brother to me even though the issue of us being blood-related was now moot. But I couldnt really admit that out loud without sounding ridiculous still. Sunmi-ssi can you drive me to Jongno-gu instead? Youngwoo asked, making me straighten up in my seat. Jongno-gu? To our house? I asked before rolling to a stop for a red light. Youngwoo nodded. I really miss that place, he said with a very nostalgic tone, his eyes still closed. But theres nobody there right now. I know I just want to stay there for a while. I will just get a ride from Jaewoong when he drops you off later. Okay. We rode in silence for the rest of the trip to Jongno-gu. He had his eyes closed until we arrived at the house. I held him by the arm, trying to help him keep a steady gait as we walked up to the house, and then helped him get up the stairs, lest hed fall down from his drunkenness. His room was now bare, stripped off of all decorations that made his room alive before, but his bed was still there, still made, like it was still waiting for him to come back, just like I wanted him to come back. He walked over to the bed and let himself fall across. He turned to his side and reached for a long pillow which he encircled with his arms and his legs. Do you need anything before I leave? I asked as I walked back to the door. No, not right now. Thanks, Sunmi. He was already snoring by the time I shut his door. When I went back to HoLee MoLee, everyone was still eating and drinking, to my surprise, and still complaining of how full they were, as they had been earlier. An hour later, we gathered in the parking lot, deciding on where to go next. It took them a good thirty minutes to decide to go to a new club called Lunar in the West end of Hongdae. Wonhee decided to pass, saying she was too tired to go dancing. Since it was late, Jaewoong told me to drop off Wonhee at the house on our way to the club. Jaewoong decided that after we drop off Wonhee, we take Youngwoo home before we join the others at the club. But Youngwoo was nowhere in the house when we arrived. Jaewoong thought that maybe Youngwoo had taken the taxi home. I tried calling him, but there was no answer. I still tried to convince Wonhee a couple more times to go with us, but she still insisted on staying home. After an unsuccessful attempt to convince Wonhee, Jaewoong and I left to meet up with the rest of the party at the club in Hongdae.

***********
Lets leave before midnight, Bug, Jaewoong shouted over the loud techno club music in the background. Why? Everybody wants to party till dawn, I said, leaning over to make sure he could hear me. I know. But I dont want to party until dawn with them, Jaewoong said, leaning even closer. He looked down at me and said, I wanna spend the first minute of my birthday alone with you. His warm breath

against the skin behind my ear wakened my nerve endings. I didnt want to party with his friends till dawn, either. I just wanted him for myself. And so we left thirty minutes before midnight. Some of his friends begged him to stay. Raewook, in his shameless drunken state, even kneeled to implore him not to leave, so Jaewoong told them that he might come back later. He used the word might for he really wasnt planning to come back. While he tried to explain why he needed to leave early, I snuck out of the club before people started interrogating me. It took a few minutes for Jaewoong to finally escape from the possessive claws of his friends. You look freezing. Here, wear my coat, he said and placed the coat around me. How about you? I asked as I held Jaewoongs coat in place around my shoulders. Ill be fine, he replied. But I doubted it. He only had a button-up shirt on, no sweater, and I knew hed catch a cold if he didnt have anything else on him. Im sure Hyung has something in his car, he said as though sensing my concern. So youre ready to spend the rest of this night with me? he asked as we made our way to Youngwoos car. My skin prickled as my brain switched into SPO mode again. Im sure Jaewoong was planning on something harmless and kid-friendly, rated PG-13 at the most, but for some reason I imagined something else. I honestly thought wed spend the night at a hotel or something. You can just imagine how embarrassed I felt when we actually went to the Han River and not a hotel. Thank goodness Jaewoong could not read my mind or Id die on the spot from humiliation. We found a spot on the grass along a walkway that trailed on the river bank. We sat there, huddled against each other, watching the lights of the city reflect the dark surface of the river, the cold breeze playing with our hair and biting our exposed skin. He had on one of Youngwoos wool coats, so warm and comfy against me, its fresh, cotton-blossom scent lingering in my nostrils. There were a couple of tourist boats on the river, decked with colorful lights, slowly navigating through the murky waves of the Han. There were many people walking along the walkway, mostly couples holding hands, pausing here and there to admire the beauty of the graphite river. A few yards behind us were street vendors, busy accommodating the long lines of their nocturnal customers. All this happening against the backdrop of a glimmering Seoul. When I was little, my mom would always bring me here on my birthday, Jaewoong said, his expression nostalgic as he let his gaze swim in the waves of the river. I always wanted to have my birthday on the beach, but since my mom was so busy and because we didnt have the money, she would just bring me here, saying that the Han River was the ocean. She would buy me hotdogs and cake and wed sit on a straw mat in these grasses and eat. He paused and cast me a shy smile. When we were reunited with Hyung, she finally brought me to a real beach, on my fifth birthday, but that didnt turn out well coz I got injured and celebrated my birthday at the hospital instead. I remembered the story Youngwoo told me. I imagined Jaewoong as a little boy, all the disappointments he went through growing up, the cords of stability that he desperately wanted to hold on but broke, and I felt a sharp pang in my heart. Whether it was my overwhelming love for him or a feeling of sympathy, it made me wish I was there to console him, to lift his spirits up and tie all those broken cords, and hold him in my arms. But of course, I couldnt do any of that, so I just focused on what I could do now. I tightened my arms around his, as though this gesture would somehow compensate all the things he missed in his childhood. After that, I was never able to celebrate my birthday by the Han River again. Why not? I asked, my arms still tight around his. Jaewoong shrugged. When I was a kid, the most important woman in my life was my mom, and after she passed, I thought I would only celebrate my birthday by the Han River again when Id find another woman whos as important as my mom.

I smiled, feeling elated. So, Im an important woman in your life? Jaewoong shook his head. No, he said with that mischievous grin of his that so resembled Youngwoos, the hotdog ahjumma is, he continued, turning to nod at the direction of the hotdog stand behind us. I scrunched up my face at him, showing my displeasure. He chuckled and hooked my neck with his arm. But youre the next important after the ahjumma, he added in a matter-of-fact tone that made me scrunch up my face even more. When his chuckles subsided, he encircled me in his embrace, keeping me warm even though the temperature around us seemed to drop a Celsius degree a minute. The aroma of grilled hotdogs and chicken kabobs adrift in the air, mingling with the cotton-blossom fragrance of his coat. From a short distance, an indie band was playing a ballade song about a boy whose heart was breaking from the pain of missing a loved one. And I wondered how much pain Jaewoong suffered from missing his mom. I stood up and held my hand out in front of Jaewoong. Will you dance with me? I asked. Gone was my repugnance for PDAs. Tonight I only wanted to show him how much I cared for him and how much I wanted to be a significant part of his world. And somehow, out of the blue, I wanted to show it through a dance. He took my hand and pulled himself up, his eyes never leaving mine. In silence he slipped one hand around my waist and held my hand with the other. Slowly, we started swaying with the music. When my alarm went off at midnight, I said, Happy birthday, Jae. I craned my neck up to kiss him when we stopped dancing. Close your eyes, I have a present for you. What? Another kiss? he asked jokingly. Something made in France, maybe? I rolled my eyes. Is that all you wanted? Then I shouldnt have troubled myself with getting this if I had known all you wanted was a French kiss. Oh, wait, I can have more? he asked, still joking. Shut up, I said and pushed his face with the palm of my hand. I said, close your eyes. He squeezed his eyes so hard that small lines formed on the sides. I took the small silver box out of my purse and placed it on my palm. Now you can open them. He opened his eyes just as I uncovered the box, revealing a stainless steel cut-out disc pendant. Carefully, he took it and placed it in his hand. He smiled as he read the inscription on it. Do you remember that? I asked. The inscription was the formula he wrote on the note when we were at the Retreat by the Sea for Christmas. -4I-8 > -12U-8 He nodded and smiled. You do know what it means, right? I squared my shoulder and gave him a smug look. Of course. I got an A in College Algebra, thank you very much. He stared at me for a moment, his eyes so penetrating it made my heartbeat out of control. I was tranced, my heart overflowing with nothing but love for this man. And there was no questioning of his feelings as it outpoured through his gaze. I reached a hand up, caressing the side of his neck, ready to kiss him or

receive his kiss any moment now. Then, a boat horn flared not too far from where we stood, and it broke us from this momentary magic. How come theres no chain? How am I supposed to wear it? I didnt get you the chain because people say its not good to give someone you love a chain. They say that if the chain breaks, so will your relationship. Ah Jaewoong said, nodding to show that he understood. So you love me then? It sounded more like a statement than a question. Huh? You love me? he repeated. I was speechless for a moment as something invisible kneaded my heart like it was dough, and I was all tingly. Never mind I dont have to ask that. Its obvious anyways. The inscription on the pendant says you love me Then you didnt get me a necklace because youre not supposed to give someone you love a necklace to avoid breaking the relationship And youre here celebrating my birthday with me instead of sleeping in the warmth and comfort of your bed He took a deep satisfied breath. Its obvious. You love me. He looked away from me with a look of content on his face. Think whatever you want, Jae. Its your birthday. You can do whatever you want. Just admit it Admit what? That you love me. I scoffed and rolled my eyes. Even though I loved him so much, I was too embarrassed to just utter those words right now. You loved me from the very first time you laid eyes on me, Jaewoong said like he was stating a fact from an encyclopedia. Say whaaat? He turned to me, stroking his jaw with his thumb and forefinger. You couldnt resist this face, he said, pretending to be serious. Oh my God. Youre so full of yourself. We both chuckled and it helped a lot in getting rid of my embarrassment. And when our chuckles faded, Jaewoong turned to me, his expression genuinely serious now . Bug.. Hmm? Thank you, he said, gazing into my eyes. For what? For the pendant? Its not even ex-- I was cut-off midsentence because Jaewoong silenced me with his warm kiss. A tingling sensation enveloped me, and I knew I turned red, but only for a beat, embarrassed for only a passing second. As we kissed, the sounds dissolved into a distant note. Everything around us slowly faded into nonexistence, frame by frame disappearing until what was left was a frame of us the only things that existed in a

moment in time when silence spoke a language that only our hearts understood. And that moment played over and over, bookmarked for our memory.

Chapter 26: Finding Peachland Part 3

On Valentines Day, following Japanese and South Korean tradition of girls gifting boys with chocolates and other presents, I told Jaewoong Id take him out to a Godiva store where he can choose a chocolate of his choice. But he turned my offer down and told me hed rather stay home and watch me make him homemade honmei-choko because he was so sure it would taste better than any store-bought chocolate (hes such a suck-up sometimes). Since Youngwoo was out of town and Jaewoong had their apartment all to himself, I agreed to do it. The chocolates didnt turn out as I wished they would, but it wasnt a total disaster either if you consider chocolate-turned-bitter-taffy concoction not a total disaster. I had no idea how that came to be when I did everything by the book, but I promised to make it up to Jaewoong by making him dinner instead. Dinner turned out a lot better than my attempt at chocolate-making. Well, it was just ramyun and tofu and some dumplings, a concoction that didnt leave me a lot of room to mess up. Jaewoong set up the table, singing along a trot song softly playing from his MP3 deck in the living room. I thought the lyrics which was about a fisherman who couldnt catch a fish one day but ended up catching the most beautiful woman in the world sounded funny and cheesy, and the way Jaewoong was trying to interpret the song with hand gestures and dance moves that were part ictal and part ritualistic, was even funnier. I was laughing when I took the brimming pot from the oven top to the table, almost losing my balance. Luckily, no major disasters happened. Moments later, Jaewoong and I finally sat down to have dinner. I watched Jaewoong with apprehension as he took a spoonful of my concoction. He looked up just as his lips touched the spoon and saw that I was keeping my eyes on him. He slurped the content and then made a face as though he just sampled the weirdest-tasting food in the world. I quailed. Is it that bad? I asked, reaching over to the bowl to take a spoonful. Did you even taste it? Jaewoong asked, making a face at me and then at my poor, poor soup. I didnt reply. Instead, I took a sip from my spoon. Was there something wrong with my taste buds? Because I thought it tasted alright. Actually, I thought it tasted more than alright. It tasted pretty damn good as a matter of fact. It wasnt too salty and the spiciness was just enough to cling on your tongue without burning. I looked at Jaewoong, confused. Then he started laughing, and I got even more confused. Im just playing with you, Bug. It actually tastes pretty good, he said, reaching for the steaming pot to fill his bowl Are you sure? Youre just saying that It wasnt often that I get compliments for my cooking, so you cant really blame me for fishing for more. Really. Im telling the truth. Youve redeemed yourself from the chocolate disaster earlier. Jaewoong dipped a spoonful of rice into the soup, letting the broth soak the grains. I guess I wont have to worry about what to eat when we get married. He said it in a playful way, but it sort of created an asphyxiating soup bubble in my throat that almost got me choked. I kept a calm exterior, though, and pretended I didnt hear that part of the conversation. Hearing him talk about marriage and our future was still something I needed to get used to. Our relationship was still new, so talking about marriage and the future would still struck an awkward chord in my body. It wasnt because I didnt want to be with him in the future. Of course, I did. But theres a time and place for those kinds of conversations, and I felt that

now wasnt that time yet especially when there were still so many issues to resolve, like Chaerim and our families. Im gonna go get something to drink, I said. Jaewoong forgot to prepare drinks earlier, thank goodness. It gave me an excuse to distance myself even for a few seconds, lest hed continue talking about marriage and the whole shebang. What would you like, Jae? I asked as I made my way to the kitchen. Ill have some tomato juice, please, he said. Good, that did the trick. I also poured myself a glass of tomato juice, slowly to let some time pass, hoping Jaewoongs thoughts about marriage would evaporate into oblivion before I brought the drinks to the table. Jaewoong was already on his second helping when I rejoined him at the table. As I sat down, his phone, which he placed on the other end of the table next to mine, rang. The ringtone was custom-made, something I had not heard before. It said, Oppa! Oppa! Its me. Answer please? A shrill voice of what might have been a prepubescent girl that was nothing if not annoying. Whos that? I asked, feeling a little jealous and very much irritated. Its Chaerim, he replied. Even though he coupled that reply with a nonchalant shrug, the jealousy and irritation I felt didnt wear off. Well, arent you going to answer it? I asked even though I was hoping he wouldnt. I reached for a dumpling in the bowl without raising my eyes to look at him. Are you sure? he asked. Am I sure? Am I freakin sure? Of course not. But I couldnt really say that, could I? I didnt want to come off as a psycho/ jealous/ possessive girlfriend, the kind that usually ends up on the evening news. But I couldnt answer his question either, and I guess Jaewoong sensed something through my non-reply. Jaewoong didnt answer the phone call but some damage had already been done by that are-you-sure question. Although I didnt want to show my change in mood, my jealousy seemed to have taken my voice away, making me taciturn for the rest of the meal. Jaewoong definitely had sensed the sudden shift in the atmosphere. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him eyeing me with apprehension, the air growing stiller by the second. Bug Hmm? I replied, still without raising my eyes to look at him. Instead, I kept my head low and stirred the ramyun around and around the bowl, each turn harder than the previous one. Youre not jealous, are you? he continued. I scoffed. No, I said, briefly looking at him. Good, he said and let out a very audible relieved sigh. Hey, I got you a homemade peach ice cream from that new place by the mall, he continued, obviously trying to change the topic and make me feel better, which worked. Youve always wanted to try their ice cream, right? Sunny and Skys? I asked, looking at him longer this time. He nodded and flashed me a smile. There was a grain of pepper stuck between his incisors and it made me laugh, pushing aside the beginnings of a bad mood that took form just a few minutes ago. I needed to get a grip on myself and stop getting jealous over Chaerim because really, there was nothing to be jealous about. I knew for a fact that Jaewoong did not love her, and I believed that sooner or later, he would break their engagement. So I tried to push the green-eyed monster away and enjoy the rest of our dinner.

The atmosphere at the dining table quickly went back to casual and lighthearted. We talked about pretty much everything in the worldfrom his familys internal troubles to the recent news, from Yisung and Irene to the more recent threat North Koreans had made to the South Koreans. And then the phone rang again. This time the ringtone was a cute Japanese girls voice (speaking in Japanese) asking the owner of the phone to answer the call. Who the hell is that? I asked. Does he know any cute Japanese girl other than me (damn straight, Im cute) that he had to assign this cute ringtone for her? Irritation was evident in the way I raised my voice and my not-so-pleased choice of words. Chillax, Doodlebug. Its Wonhee, he said. My jealousy immediately subsided. I bet I had the same cute Japanese girl ringtone, if not cuter, I thought. Should I answer it? he asked me. Sure, I said. She must have come back early from her field trip and must have wondered where I was since I had not been answering phone calls since this morning. Jaewoong pressed a finger against his lips, a signal for me to stay quiet. Although Wonhee was aware that Jaewoong and I had a secret relationship, she didnt know that we had been seeing each other often. And she sure as hell didnt know that I was at Jaewoongs apartment right now. O, Wonhee-yah. Whats up? Jaewoong said, putting his phone on speaker. Jaewoong-ssi, do you know where Sunmi is? Wonhee asked. I was right. She was wondering where I was. I shook my head at Jaewoong. Uh not really. Isnt she at home? Jaewoong said, his hidden acting talent coming out all of a sudden. Uhm I dont know. I havent gone back to the house yet. Are you gonna see her anytime soon? She mentioned that she was going to the mall And m-maybe well hang out later with Jungho and Hyunki. What the heck, Jaewoong! I thought. The number one rule when lying to someone is to avoid namedropping, or the lie would become complicated. But I couldnt blame him. I had been guilty of this crime so many times before. Can you tell her that I might not come home tonight? I already sent her a text, but let her know still. Sure Sure. No problem. There was a pause. Someone was talking to Wonhee. Their voices were muffled, as though Wonhee was covering the mouthpiece. Anything else, Wonhee-ssi? Jaewoong asked. Uhm Where are you right now? Her voice was now clear again. Huh? Jaewoong raised an eyebrow and looked at me.

I was just wondering. Are you just spending your Valentines night at home? Uh Yeah, I am but, like I said, I might hang out with Sunmi later, Jaewoong said and quickly added, and Jungho and Hyunki as though he was compelled to. Oh I see, she said and paused again. Okay, Jaewoong-ssi. Enjoy the rest of your night. Okay. Thanks, Wonhee-ssi. Jaewoong stared at his phone after he hung up, his expression showed that he felt something was strange about that phone call. I, too, thought Wonhee sounded kind of strange, like she had to know our exact whereabouts. First off, who was that person she was talking to? And why cover the mouthpiece? And why would that person want to know where Jaewoong was? Something wasnt right. Yah, why did you lie about hanging out with Jungho and Hyunki later? I asked Jaewoong. I wouldnt be surprised if Wonhee thought there was something strange in the way Jaewoong answered her questions. He wasnt the most eloquent liar around, thats for sure. Obviously, I didnt wanna tell her that were hanging out by ourselves, he said with a no-duh look on his face. Why? Coz He frowned at me. Didnt you want to keep this relationship a secret for now? He had a point. I did beg him not to reveal the true nature of our relationship to anyone for fear of waking antagonistic forces that could and would break us up. I could not wait until Jaewoong breaks his engagement so we could freely breathe and finally spend our days without having to worry about being seen together and without me feeling bad about stealing someone elses fianc. After dinner, Jaewoong and I shared the homemade peach ice cream from Sunny and Sky, eating it out of the plastic container while watching TV. Ever since we shared a box of ice cream in Hokkaido, it had become our dessert tradition to eat ice cream out of the box whenever we hung out together. I was curious what my ringtone on Jaewoongs phone now that we were in this kind of relationship. He had assigned me that irritating mosquito buzz before, claiming it was a perfect ringtone for someone who was as pesky as a bug like me. I wondered if he had changed it to something cute now. Hed better or else Im going to wreak havoc. So I dialed his number, hopeful that the ringtone was cuter than the ones he had assigned Chaerim and Wonhee. His phone rang. He did change the ringtone, but it was not cute at all. Actually, it was freakya full-blast warning tone complete with a siren blaring in the background. Warning! Warning! Its a bug! Its a bug! Save yourseeeeelf! YAH! I yelled at Jaewoong, kicking his leg. Wonhee and Chaerim get cute ringtones, and I get this? Jaewoong chuckled and I glared at him. He immediately clamped his lips to check his laughter, which still managed to escape in non-continuous nasal noises. Im not amused, Lee Jaewoong! I crossed my arms and scowled at him. He placed the ice cream container on the table and then reached for my arm to pull me closer. You get a special ringtone, Doodlebug coz youre very special to me. Special my foot! I wiggled myself out of his embrace and stood up and walked to the kitchen with my feet stomping like a child on the verge of a tantrum. Jaewoong was still laughing in the background, and I

was getting more peeved by the second. He thought I was just pretending to be annoyed, but the thing was, I was actually serious. I didnt know why I was so vulnerable tonight. The playfulness of the ringtone was something Id expect from Jaewoong; he was just naturally ludic especially when it came to me, and both of us always got a bang out of being playful toward each other, so I didnt know why I was making such a big deal out of it and why I was just so inexplicably sensitive. Maybe it was PMS? I took a deep breath and told myself there wasnt really anything to be mad about. I poured myself a glass of water and chugged it, hoping the coolness of the water would help chill my head down. When I thought I felt better, I went back to the living room and sat next to Jaewoong again. Are you okay? Jaewoong asked, now sounding concerned. Im sorry. I dont know why Im like this. I must be PMSing. Come here, Jaewoong said, reaching his arm around me, pulling me to him. I didnt resist and let my head rest on his chest, his hand stroking my arm endearingly. Its okay, Bug. I will still love you even if you have PMS every single day. I looked up and met his gaze, touched by his words. Really? No, not really, he quickly said, flashing me a wide grin. Not daily PMS. That will probably drive me nuts. Eventually. He chuckled and kissed me on my forehead, squeezing me tight. But even if I go nuts, I will still love you. Ill be crazy and in love. I smiled, reveling in his cheesy words. I huddled myself with him, savoring that tingly feeling that one feels when in love. I was so lucky to have felt it again and was even luckier that I felt it for a guy like Lee Jaewoong. Do you want to watch a movie or go walk in the park and perhaps cool down that hot head of yours? he said, pointing a forefinger between my eyes. We can just stay in and watch a movie, I said. I looked up at him and puckered my lips, asking for a kiss. Okay. Sounds good to me, he said and then fish-kissed me before he leaned frontward to get the remote control from the coffee table. At that moment, his phone rang again. The ringtone this time was, May I have your attention please? Somebody important is trying to call you. Please answer your phone immediately. Jaewoong looked bothered, and took a closer look at his phone, which was lying next to the other remote controls on the table. Who is it? I asked. Its he looked at me, his expression a mixture of surprise and disquieted. Your grandfather? I asked before he could finish. Its S-SuAnna, he stammered, his voice was coated with heavy concern. What?! He turned to look at his phone again and gestured to pick it up. Really Jae? Youre really going to answer that? I asked, my voice shrill, my ears burning from the increasing heat of my jealousy. I knew no harm would ensue if he answered that call, but there I was again on the verge of being a psycho-jealous girlfriend. I wanted so much to control myself, but for some reason, I was helpless against the green-eyed monster. I wasnt normally like this, and if I had the power over it, I wouldnt want to be like this. I swear it was hormonal.

She hasnt called me since she left It must be something important he reasoned, almost like begging me to understand. I sprang up to my feet. The sense of security I felt moments ago went down the drain, and the warm, fuzzy feeling all gone as if someone had just poured cold water on me. Where are you going? he asked as I walked away. Im leaving. You might need some precious time with your first love. I had no idea where those words came from. Perhaps from the deep and dangerous cave of the green-eyed monster. I must be really going crazy tonight. Oh, come on! You know theres nothing going on between me and SuAnna! Youve known that for a long time now. I wasnt facing him but I could see from the shadows on the wall that he was throwing his hands in the air from frustration. Do I Jae? I turned to face him now. Do I really? Yes, I know theres nothing going on between you two physically, but how do I know whats really going on in your heart? Sunmi, come on! He was now standing up, his voice was louder than normal, calm but bordering on quaking. Do you even know how you looked like when you found out that it was SuAnnas call? Huh? I saw it! God, that look of concern on his face broke my heart into pieces. Tears threatened to spill out of my eyes. Saw what??? He looked bewildered by my accusation. I saw I said, my voice shaking, barely coming out, how much you cared. My tears brimmed over now. Dont you deny it. You still care about her. Of course I still care about her, Jaewoong said, his voice softer, as though he was silently begging for me to understand. I blinked at him, not knowing if I should cry some more after hearing him say that he still cared about her, or if I should be glad that he was being honest about his feelings. These fluctuating hormones made me all confused about my own feelings. I care about her, but not in the way you think. Shes a friend of mine, Sunmi. A good friend. I care about her the way I care about Wonhee or Minjoonoona or Euntae But not like the way I care about you. I eased myself down to the floor, too overwhelmed with unwanted angry emotions. This time, I was crying full blast, shoulders heaving and all. Why were there moments when I tried to push him to a place where I find excuses not to trust him? Was this a displacement of my insecurity? I was so insecure about this relationship, not knowing if it will even last a month. I was scared that I was not strong enough to stay beside him, to stand our ground and protect our relationship, to ward off antipathetic powers that would surely try to separate us. Maybe, unconsciously, I wanted to push him away like I had pushed him away back then. I knew I shouldnt be doing this to him. Why should I hurt him when all hes given me was joy? Bug, come on. Why are you acting this way? I dont know! I kept crying. Jaewoong sat next to me, placing his arm around me, keeping his silence, knowing too well that I just needed to let out some of my emotions. When I felt like I could finally talk again, I tried to explain my ridiculous behavior. Its just that, I feel like Im competing against a lot of people, you know. Chaerim, your family, my family, and SuAnna. Im fighting against all of them just to have you. Instantly, this honesty was making me feel better, a needle that deflated this ballooning insecurity. You dont need to fight them, Bug. You already have me, Jaewoong assured.

I have you, yeah. But I dont know if I can keep you forever, I said and started wiping my tears. And Im constantly in fear. I fear that your grandparents are going to take you away from me. I fear that my family is going to take me away from you. Im scared of everyone tearing us apart. I cant even be with you without worrying what might happen tomorrow, next week, next month. Why cant we just have something normal? There, I had plucked a lot of thorns out of my heart. What we have is normal, Bug. Why cant we have something like in the movies? What they have in the movies isnt normal or realistic, Jaewoong pointed out. Its fantasy. Okay, maybe not in the movies. Maybe in real life people do have uncomplicated relationships in real life, right? People do have perfect relationships. People can have an ideal love. Bug, he called. I turned my head to the side so that now our eyes met. Our love may not be perfect and ideal, but it doesnt mean its not real. This thing we have you and me its better because its real. I may have brought a lot of problems into this relationship, but it doesnt mean I dont love you just as much as the guys in the movies love their better halves. He raised his hand and caressed the side of my face, sliding it softly so that now he was cradling my jaw. He inched his face forward and in no time, his lips kissed mine in a soft brush. All these issues we are facing right now will all be gone in time, I promise. Ill have my happy-ever-after? I asked, feeling a lot like a child at the moment. Not just a happy-ever-after, Bug, but all the happiness in the world, he said, pinching my cheek. Letting out all the things pent up in me and his promise to give me my happy-ever-after both made me feel better. But the truth was, the truth that I was constantly aware of, I knew that this ameliorated feeling wouldnt last forever. Does that even exist? A happy-ever-after? Do you believe in it? I asked. However hard I tried to think positively, there was always that nefarious tiny voice in me that always tried to warn me that fairytale endings were just thata fairy tale. Maybe it does. Maybe it doesnt, Jaewoong said. But theres one thing Im sure ofa happy-for-now. I know it does not equal to a happy-ever-after, but if we live our lives with a daily dose of happy-for-nows, they will eventually add up to a happy-ever-after. So, we should just take it one day at a time, focus on making happy-for-now moments that will define our life together and not the happy-ever-after that will conclude it in the end. I was convinced enough to let him clasp his hand over mine and trust his words.

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Jaewoong had to leave all of a sudden to Hong Kong for a ten-day to take Youngwoos place on a business trip. And as I said goodbye to him at the house the day before he left, I felt the beginnings of a panic attack once again. I was scared it was going to be the last time Id be with him. But he assured me that he would come back and that there was nothing to worry about. Three days had passed and the torture of not seeing Jaewoong seemed to bore deeper into me. He would call me every day, twiceonce during the day and once in the evening, which always made me feel better and less paranoid despite the temporary distance.

With Wonhee perpetually busy and travelling nowadays, I always found myself in the company of boredom, even at work. Hyunki and Jungho had gone to Japan for a project as well. Yisung was busy with his family. So I was basically left with office workers who were mostly taken up with their own busy lives. On Saturday, nine days after Jaewoong left, while out shopping with Soonyoung, I got a call from a private number. I answered it with a smile, thinking it was Jaewoong using another phone to surprise me. But it was a womans voice on the other end of the line. Hello. Is this Sunmi? Y-Yeah? Hi! Its Chaerim. It wasnt Jaewoong trying to surprise me but that call sure did surprise me. No, shock would be a more appropriate term. Chaerim? Calling me? A sticky feeling in my throat started to lump up. Oh hi, I said, swallowing hard over the chunk in my throat. When did she come back to Korea? Did she find out about me and Jaewoong? I knew she was bound to find out about it sooner or later, but how? When? Why? Was she calling to personally tell me that I was now officially a relationship saboteur who was going to burn in hell, granted that hell did exist? I was just wondering if you can meet up with me somewhere? If youre not busy? she asked. There was no sarcastic edge to her voice, no signs that should alarm me, but still, a face-to-face meeting with Chaerim was something I would rather shirk. Uhm I thought of an excuse, but she interrupted my thoughts. Its really important. I believe you would want to hear what I have to say. She made it sound urgent and important that I finally agreed to meet her. Soonyoung and I parted at the Galleria just before two oclock in the afternoon, and I headed to the top of Lotus International Hotel, where I agreed to meet Chaerim at the Italian restaurant for some coffee and cake. An usherette with an elaborately coiffed hair and a very tight penciled dress ushered me to the table where Chaerim was waiting for me. She looked different today. She was dressed down, only wearing a simple black turtleneck shirt over skinny jeans. Her hair was tied in a high ponytail, no make-up except for a coat of mascara on her long lashes. She had faint circles around her eyes, but she still looked gorgeous. She looked up as I neared the table and smiled. Unnie! she greeted, stood up and bowed. I couldnt exactly recall if she had called me Unnie before. She didnt when she made the phone call, but she might have felt comfortable enough with me to address me with the honorific. Hi, I said and sat down opposite her. With everything that happened between me and Jaewoong, I couldnt deny the fact that I did Chaerim wrong. I was the other woman, and because of that, I felt so small in front of her, guilt trying to eat up most of me. She was calling me Unnie when I knew I didnt deserve it. We did small talks before our dishes arrived. She said she came back a couple of days ago due to some family issues. She asked me a lot of questions, and because of my remorse for the wrongdoing I did behind her back, my answers were reduced to mostly monosyllabic replies. Yes no no yes with occasional maybes thrown in once in a while for variation. When our dishes arrived, we spent the next few minutes praising the beautiful presentation of the cakes and the art on our coffee foam. Then, just as I was about to finally shove a forkful of tiramisu into my mouth, I heard Chaerim sniffle. I looked up. Her head was bowed down, her shoulders slumped, her chest heaving. Shit. I am the cause of this, I thought. I was hurting her because I stole Jaewoongs heart. No

matter how much I tried to just walk around the situation in my head, to justify things with the name of love, there was no denying that I was to blame. I swallowed the tiramisu cake after just a couple of chew, feeling the bolus rolling down my esophagus, but still leaving the lump of guilt in my throat, and when my mouth was empty, I took a deep breath, resolved to apologize. But before my thoughts could form into words, Chaerim looked up, and I was staring right into her moist eyes. My parents are getting divorced, she said, her voice soft, her eyes dark with pain. I was momentarily confused by this. Not just because she did not mentioned Jaewoong and my inappropriate relationship with him, but because she was confiding this personal private matter with me. Me the bitch whos trying to steal her fianc. So, in my confusion, I was rendered speechless and ended up just staring at her even more. She picked up the black napkin on her lap and dabbed her eyes with it. She sniffled some more and I finally was able to formulate some words, the standard sympathy note. Im sorry to hear that, Chaerim. She shook her head, and I wondered if I should have said something better. I shouldnt feel sad. I already knew this was coming, she said. They had always been incompatible at home. In public, they seem like a perfect couple, but at home they fight like theres no tomorrow. My dad had a lot of mistresses, still has, and he and my mom always fought because of this ever since I could remember. And now, I think my mom just had enough. She looked up and tried to smile at me, a smile so faint yet so clearly troubled. I dont want to end up like them. There was a pause, and I thought, maybe it was time for me to say something, but I couldnt. So instead, I kept my silence and waited for her to continue. They never loved each other in the first place. They got married because their parents wanted them to. She placed the napkin on the table top and stared at her mocha cake for a moment. Unnie, you know what Im trying to say, right? Maybe. Maybe not. To be safe, I shook my head. What Im trying to say is that if I marry Jaewoong-oppa, we might end up like my parents, she said. I didnt make a comment. I just blinked at her in silence, hoping shed elaborate more on this. I didnt want to fill in the blanks with my own assumptions. I really like Jaewoong-oppa, Unnie She said it as if there was a but trailing. And there was. But honestly, when I agreed to marry him, I did it because I was mad at my ex-boyfriend for dumping me. I thought, maybe if my ex-boyfriend would see me get engaged to someone else, someone as awesome as Jaewoong-oppa, hed take me back, but he didnt. And then I realized it wouldnt be too bad if I ended up with Jaewoong-oppa. And I thought maybe it was a blessing in disguise that I was getting engaged to him. She paused and looked down at her fork, picking it up then putting it down, letting time pass as though she really contemplated on the next words she was about to say. But then I saw the way Jaewoong-oppa looked at you. And I knew then that he loved you, that youre the one he wants to be with, not me. She looked up at me, giving me that sad smile once again. Hes always so nice to me, you know. He would do things that a fianc would do. Hed take me to fancy dinners, to their familys functions, to friends parties. But even when he was there with me physically, I knew his mind was always somewhere else. I knew there was no place for me in his heart. And seeing how my parents ended up, I couldnt allow myself to end up in that kind of marriage, too. I at least owe that to myself, to have a happy married life And I know it wouldnt be with Jaewoong-oppa. I was stunned by this turn of events. Chaerim was pretty much handing Jaewoong over to me, like a throne handed from one monarch to another, so seemingly simple yet clouded with the endless possibilities of complications. And yet, I was there, ready to accept whatever she was rejecting, and just about close to pinching myself for I had this feeling that I was in a dream. I know why Jaewoong-oppa agreed to our marriage. I know its because Grandfather Lee made his biological dads family hostage and that they told Jaewoong that if he didnt agree to marry me, theyd cut medical treatments for his cousin and his grandfather.

Y-Yeah he said something about that, I said. I couldnt say something for the longest time, and now that I did, it surprised me, my voice almost seemed foreign. Im going to do some arrangements for them so that even if Oppa and I are not going to get married, they would still get their treatments. Im going to break the engagement so Oppa wont have to face the consequences. She paused and gave me another faint smile, which made me feel a little less happy about the fact that I could finally date Jaewoong without guilt eating up at me. Chaerim was not the kind of girl you want to be rivals with. She was very kind, and I almost wished she was a bitch like Masami so I wouldnt be sorry for taking Jaewoong away from her. But she was nice, and right now, all I could do was to wish she would find someone better than Jaewoong, someone whod love her back. He loves you, you know, and I know you love him, too. So you should be together. At least one of us should have a happy ending. She stated this as though life was as simple as one plus one equals two. I was still stunned and couldnt say much for a few moments. But then, I finally managed a heartfelt Im sure you will have your happy ending, too. She smiled. I will tell him tonight that Im breaking off our engagement. But I cant really announce it in public until my parents divorce gets settled. Is that okay with you? Uh what do you mean? You and Oppa can have a relationship, but Id rather you not mention it to anyone just yet. I want to handle things at home first. She paused and then blinked once without diverting her gaze. I nodded. Our meeting ended without me saying much. This whole handover thing wouldnt change how Jaewoong and I would date in public, because, really, we still couldnt, but I was happy nonetheless. It liberated my heart from the guilt that filled the space that was supposedly and only meant for Jaewoong. It made me free to love him even more.

***********
Early the next day, I got a call from Jaewoong, and I knew what it was going to be about even before he could say Hello. He was still in Japan but would be back in Korea later that afternoon. Chaerim broke our engagement, he said immediately after the mandatory greetings. I could hear the excitement in his voice, the kind of light and happy I also felt in my heart. He sure didnt waste time. What? I pretended to be surprised, making that question a little shriek-like, because Chaerim said not to tell him that she talked to me first. She called me a few minutes ago. What happened? I asked, now giving my voice a tinge of incredulity, but inside, I couldnt help but be ecstatic with him. He told me what I had already known. The stars and the heavens were not against me and Jaewoong after all. I got free of Ken, and now he got free of Chaerim. I was happy but honestly, I couldnt shake off this sense of foreboding that was escalated with every good news I heard. I had a flash of me last night just staring at the ceiling, one moment smiling, the next moment freaking out. I wasnt able to get some sleep until the early hours of the morning, when street traffic started to drone from afar and the waking sun grayed the dark sky. Everything seemed too good to be true. It was strange. Just a month ago, it seemed impossible for us to be together, and now, all of a sudden, the stars aligned for us. And just like that, we had all the chances in the world. Although I was happy that Jaewoong and I were finally free to love each other, I still had this hovering fear that a happy-ever-after wasnt really waiting for us somewhere in the future. I shook my

head, trying to empty it from negative thoughts. All those fear and sadness I felt in the past months had lingered in my head, preventing me from truly rejoicing at the good fortune that befell upon us. Happy for now Happy for now I repeated in my head. An infinity of happy-for-nows will equal to one happy-ever-after. As soon as Jaewoong got back to Seoul, he texted me, a continuation of our earlier conversation, constantly reasserting our recent peripety. Birdface: I know its too soon to say this, but I cant wait to tell everybody about us. Me: Tell them about us? What about us? Birdface: That you and I are together. Me: Wait, are we together? Birdface: Ha ha, funny. No, not physically right now. But you know, that we are dating. Me: Wait, we are? Birdface: Bug, stop playing around. Me: Im serious, I didnt know. I dont remember you asking me to be your girlfriend. Birdface: I thought it was already understood. Me: Understood? Like I understood why the sky is blue? What planet do you come from? Birdface: So you normally kiss a boy thats not your boyfriend? And MAKE-OUT with a boy thats not your boyfriend? BURN! So he one-upped me. I bit my lip in embarrassment as I punched in my reply. Me: Girls nowadays do that all the time. Me: But I still want you to ask me to be your girlfriend and I have to say yes before you can call me your girlfriend. A few minutes ticked by, slowly and agonizingly as I waited for his reply. I worried that Jaewoong didnt like the idea of traditional courting and that he would forthright give up. Then I got another text from him.

Birdface: Bae Sunmi-ssi, will you be my girlfriend?

I felt so giddy inside as I read this, like I was back in high school and I just got an affirmation that my crush liked me too. This was too cute and funny, I thought.

Me: Really, Jae? Really? Youre asking me over text? Birdface: HOMG.

In a few seconds, my phone rang. You know, for a small girl like you, you demand too much, Jaewoong said before I could say hello. What kind of guy asks a girl to be his girlfriend over text? I reasoned. Guys nowadays do it all the time, he said, clearly copying my reason for kissing and making out with a boy whos not my boyfriend. But because I am your slave, and your wish is my command, I have to do what you want me to do. Then there was a pause, the silence long enough for me to hear the drumming of my heart. Jaewoong really was going to ask me. Bae Sunmi-ssi, will you be my girlfriend? he asked. My skin prickled at the sound of his words, and I was thrown into a woozy state that only Jaewoong could ever do. I leaned on to my bedroom wall and bit my lips to stop myself from wobbling in giddiness. Really, Jae? Over the phone? I asked, pretending I was not moved at all. No. Oh, come on! What do you want? I could tell he was exasperated by my old-fashioned demands. You have to ask me in person, I said, pressing my lips together to suppress my laughter. It was so much fun to play with him. Okay, meet me this afternoon. Ill pick you up at five. It was a demand I couldnt say no to. He picked me up at 5 oclock sharp, as demanded. He was dressed in a V-neck dark blue cashmere sweater and a black coat that brought out the winter paleness of his skin. He had his periodic subdued demeanor today, appearing as though he was about to take a civil service exam or something. So, will you be my girlfriend, Sunmi-yah? he asked as soon as we drove out of the neighborhood, smiling, playing nice, clearly aiming for my good side. He sure didnt like wasting time. Oh my God, not right now! I said. Not while youre driving. But Im asking you in person already! Yeah, I know. But youre not even looking at me! He turned his head toward me when he stopped for a red light. Sunmi-yah will you be Jae, not here, please. But he wouldnt let me stop him from this mission to make me his official girlfriend here in the middle of the road. Sunmi-yah will you be-- Jae, I said, pointing a finger forward. Its green. Huh?

I jutted my lips frontward to the traffic light. The light is green, I said. He didnt react until the car behind us honked the horn. He heaved a frustrated sigh, rolling his eyes to the side, and resumed driving. He drove us to a winter-dead garden near the Han River. If it were spring and the trees were adorned with countless Cherry Blossoms, this place would be a great backdrop for a romantic proposal. But with all the barren trees and bland bushes around, this wasnt exactly the right place Id want him to ask the question. We walked around for a little bit before he asked me the question again. We were on a walkway, standing on the side to give the park joggers room to go past us, when he reached for my arm and turned me to the side to face him. Sunmi, will you be my girlfriend? he asked. His eyes were serious and anticipating. Uh I looked around. Even though he was now asking me in personone of the requirements, it still wasnt quite right. I wanted him to ask me over a candlelit dinner or something. Can you be a little more romantic than this? He threw his head back in frustration. You are officially driving me nuts! Can we go get something to eat? I asked. Maybe hell get the hint. Candlelit dinner, hello? Romantic. I am literally going nuts, and all you can think of is food? What? Im hungry! So no answer? Jae! I want it to be romantic! Sunmi, Im only asking you to be my girlfriend. Im not asking you to marry me. I know! I said, feeling a little embarrassed. Its just that Akira asked me in a very romantic way And I want you to top what he did, you know. I thought it was very smart of me to bring Akira into the equation. I saw Jaewoongs jaw twitch. He was competitive and I knew he didnt want to be second best to Akira. I smiled to myself. Score! He stared at me for a moment, his lips pursed. I felt like I was suddenly throttled in a stare-down contest. So how did that moron ask you? he finally asked, his tone blas, as though he could care less. It was during the Festival of Lights. We were in a Ferris wheel. I couldnt deny the fact that how Akira asked me to be his girlfriend was romantic and unforgettable, and the reason why I wanted Jaewoong to be romantic was because I wanted to officially start our relationship in a more moving way than how my relationship with Akira started. Tsch! Jaewoong scoffed and placed his hands in his coat pockets. How cheesy. No it was romantic! Then go ask him to ask you out again, he said, kicking a pebble in his path as we made our way out of the park. Are you jealous? I asked in a teasing tone, leaning on him with my arm linked in his. No he said looking at me as though I had just uttered something ridiculous. Why would I get jealous over cheesy stuff? Whats with your face then? I asked, still teasing him with a smile. What face?

Your jealous face. I dont have a jealous face. Yes, you do, and Im looking at it right now. He waved me away. Whatever. We ended up eating at a place in Galleria in Gangnam, a dimly-lit restaurant with candles on the tables and a menu that could burn holes in your wallet. I had a feeling that mentioning Akira earlier had brought out the competitive side of Jaewoong, like he was compelled to shell out some serious dough so he could eclipse Akiras memorable proposal. The restaurant, although too fancy for my taste, had no doubt a romantic atmosphere. It wouldnt be too shabby to get proposed here. We had appetizers and then the main menu, but Jaewoong had not said anything about love or relationship or being in it or anything remotely close to the topic I wanted to discuss. So I thought maybe he would ask during dessert. But he didnt. So, are you gonna ask me now? I asked. I figured he was playing hard to get and that maybe he wanted me to throw the bait. Ask you what? His expression didnt give anything. Ask me if I want to be your girlfriend. Nah, he said. I think Im okay with us just being friends. What? I said, sounding rather too shocked. What the eff? Did I just ruin everything? Friends. I made a face at him. He turned his head aside, pretending to look for something, or for someone, the waiter maybe, but I caught a glimpse of a smile, and I knew he was playing with me. So I thought, maybe for the dinners grand finale, hed do something romantic and ask me. But then the server came back to our table with the receipts. Jaewoong signed one and placed the other in his wallet, no sign of him recanting his words. He was freakin serious. He really wasnt going to ask me anymore. Okay, lets go. I need to get something for my friends daughters birthday. Can you help me find something at the mall? We went to three different stores before we found a cute shoulder bag. We walked around the mall afterward, with me silently cursing myself for losing my opportunity to have an official boyfriend. Now he was just freakin okay with us being friends. I had definitely lost my chance to go to third base with him. Oh, my poor SPOd self. Sunmi, can you wait here for minute? I just need to go to the bathroom, he said just as we passed by a sports store. Okay. Just sit over there, Jaewoong said, pointing to a bench near the escalators and the directory just a few feet away. I walked over to the bench and sat there to wait for Jaewoong. I spent the next few minutes envying young couples that walked past me, holding hands, kissing, cuddling, PDAing like theres no tomorrow. I

thought, what if I asked him? It wouldnt be how I imagined the official beginning of our relationship, but if he wasnt going to do it, I sure wouldnt just let it go without me giving it a try. More minutes passed and Jaewoong was still not back. I wondered what took him so long. Did he leave me here? He couldnt have! I dialed his number, but it went straight to voicemail. He must have turned it off. Shit! As I frantically looked around, wondering if this was Jaewoongs way of making me pay back for the embarrassment I caused him after turning him down four times in one day, a dingdong sound from the PA system overhead echoed in the mall. And then the low, soothing voice of a woman said, May I have your attention please? We have an important announcement The people around me stopped walking and looked above us as though the woman talking on the PA system was going to descend from the heavens above. Go ahead, I heard the woman whisper on the PA system. Somebody cleared his throat. Such a familiar sound. Oh my God. Bug, its me, Birdface. Another throat-clearing, as if he was prepping himself for a Korean Idol audition or something. I have asked you four times already if you want to be my girlfriend, and you said no, but Im not gonna stop until you say yes because I want to be your boyfriend.. so bad. He chuckled in embarrassment, the roots of my hair singeing into my scalp. Girls around me were awing and sighing as though they were watching a romantic movie while I was burning up in embarrassment. Maybe fifth time is a charm, so Im asking you again, he continued. Doodlebug, will you be my girlfriend? People around me started clapping their hands, as if Jaewoong had just said something awe-inspiring. Then their applause became rhythmic as they chanted Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! I wanted to shrink and crawl under the bench. A few minutes later, Jaewoong appeared in my sight, beaming with a proud smile on his face, like he had just won a contest, a contest that wasI had no doubtbetween him and Akira. He conceitedly ran his fingers through his hair as he approached me. What the hell did you just do? I asked him even before he could sit down next to me. He sat close to me, his arm resting on my shoulder. Was that romantic enough for you? Yes! But I didnt want you to announce your feelings to the whole entire world, Jae! So whats your answer? he asked, ignoring what I had just said. Can we go somewhere else and discuss this? I motioned to stand up. No, you have to answer me now or I will tell all these people that you are Bug and Im Birdface, he demanded, standing his ground. I stared at him incredulously. What? Whats your answer? Yes! Okay? Yes, I will be your girlfriend, I whisper-screamed at him, hoping that nobody around us would suspect that we were Birdface and Doodlebug. Now can we get out of here?

Jaewoong smiled in victory. Okay But wait. I need to call someone. After Jaewoong hung up the phone, the PA system made an announcement again. Ladies and gentlemen, Doodlebug finally said yes. Shes now Birdfaces girlfriend. The crowd broke into a loud applause, and even though I knew they didnt know it was us, I still felt chagrin bugs crawling under my skin. Oh my God! That was so romantic, I heard teenage girls around me say. I know! I dont think that was real though. What do you mean? I think they were shooting a movie or a drama. Youre right. Nobody in real life would do that kind of thing. Yeah, but still. You cant help but want to be proposed to like that. I could see such joy in Jaewoongs face, but I wasnt sure if it was because I finally said yes to him or because he had just accomplished something that not a lot of people would or could do. He took my hand and interlaced his fingers with mine with a silent command that made me too powerless to protest. We walked hand in hand the whole time as we headed to the parking lot, his hand gripping tighter whenever I loosened my grip.

Chapter 26: Finding Peachland Part 4

There was no phone number on the screen, just the word UNKNOWN. I had been getting these calls in the past few days, and I started to think that maybe they were not just random calls. Maybe someone was trying to reach me. Who could be trying to reach me with an unknown number, one of my cousins? Or could it be Minjoo-unnie? I immediately answered the call as soon as I thought of Minjoo. Yobosaeyo? I said, my heart starting to pound. Im sure Youngwoo would be delighted to hear this news. What should I say to Minjoo? How could I convince her to come back? A few seconds passed and all I could hear was silence on the other line. Yobosaeyo? I repeated. And then Mo the voice finally said. It was soft, more like a whisper, but I had no doubt who was on the other end of the line. Ak---ira kun? Hi, he said, and I pictured him smiling. I hope Im not disturbing you. It sounded like a question. No I replied, my throat getting dry. Why would Akira call me all of a sudden? And persistently so, if all the other unknown missed calls I got were from him. W-Whats up? Nothing, really He sounded sad, weak, his voice scratchy as though he had not been using it for a long time, or he had just woken up from a long, deep sleep. I just wanted to hear your voice, thats all. This was why I tried to avoid hearing from Akira. Even though I did not love him anymore, I still could not get away from the fact that he was my friend first, a friend that I cared deeply for, a friend whom I wish I could still keep. I wanted him to have a happy life as I wanted all of my friends to have. And now, hearing that tincture of melancholy in his voice, made my heart twinge. And knowing that I could be part of the reason, if not the sole reason, of his sadness made me even feel worse. Akira, I dont think-- Mo, please I know we have separate lives now, and Im not trying to make you go back to where we were in the past. Im not calling you because of that Then what? I really just want to hear your voice. There was a pause in our conversation, and during this short moment of temporary silence, I got to think, maybe I should stop thinking that he wanted to take me back. Maybe, all he really wanted was for someone familiar to talk to. At least I could give him that.

Thank you for the pearls, by the way. I could hear that my voice softened a lot, and I guess that was all it took to cast away the tension that was so discernible during the pauses of our initial conversation. Maybe, if I stopped shutting him out of my life, hed stop squeezing himself back in. Did you like them? he asked, sounding relaxed now. Yeah. Theyre very beautiful But you didnt have to buy me those. I bought it a long time ago when we were still together. I never got the chance to give them to you. Thank you again. Youre welcome, I said. Then there was another moment of silence. It wasnt the awkward and clutched kind of silence like earlier but an unusual one, something that never occurred in our conversations before pre- or post-breakup. Are you okay? I asked. It depends on how you define okay, he replied. If okay means that Im surviving, then yes, I am okay. He appended this statement with a soft chuckle that was intended to cover something, perhaps subtext. I sensed that this conversation was about to turn to a byway that would eventually lead to our past. I knew I had to steer it away to a different route. Hows Masami? I asked. Still getting on my nerves, he said. She is the most insatiable person Ive ever known in my life. I could picture him shaking his head as he said this. I heard about you and Ken. Oh that Ken and Mazuki, huh? He chuckled in disbelief. I started feeling relaxed again. Akira did seem like he just wanted someone familiar to talk to, not some lovelorn guy still pining for my love. I had no idea. That punk kept it well. Have you heard anything from my family? Theyre making me nervous. They havent said much after Ken and Mazuki announced their relationship. Ken said they took the news pretty well. Dont you think you should give them a call yourself? I will. So they took the news pretty well? That made me feel better now. Now I could actually pick the phone and call them without having to worry about being reprimanded, and I wouldnt have to worry about my grandparents sending their minions over to drag my ass back to Japan. After a few minutes more of small talk, I thought I should end our conversation. So, uhm, Akira? I have to go. I didnt want to sound rude by just cutting off our conversation, so when I did, I felt bad. It was nice talking to you. It was not particularly a lie. I was actually ready to let him back into my life as a friend since he didnt act like he was still yearning for me. The gray area between our past and the present had been crossed, the hurt not too significant to cause me tears, the happiness too distant to bring me smiles, the memory of us tucked underneath new memories made in the more recent yesterdays. Thanks for answering my call, he said. No problem. You can call me anytime. Thanks. I will. But he never called me again after that. I knew from his voice that there was something bothering him, but it wasnt my place to be concerned about him anymore. Yes, I wanted him to be my friend but there

were boundaries that had to be set. Ours was a friendship that, although somewhat reparable, could never be recreated into its original form.

***********
(MARCH)

This White Day, we have to break tradition, Jaewoong announced one evening in early March. He was keeping me company at home since Wonhee was out of town again for the weekend. Ever since Jaewoong and Chaerim secretly ended their engagement, we had been more open of our relationship to our supreme circle of friends, namely his cousins, Wonhee, Euntae, and Hyunwoo, who promised not to reveal the truth to anybody outside the supreme circle. I was perched on the loveseat armrest, flipping through Wonhees newest manuscript, half-listening to Jaewoong until he made the announcement. What are you talking about? I asked, now looking up to see him flip between a reality show and a primetime drama on TV. Instead of just giving you sweets as my present, Im going to give you something else. Dont give me flower shop-bought flowers. Huh? Jaewoong said, his eyebrows flipping up in query. I think giving someone flowers that you yourself gathered is more romantic and sincere than just buying from the flower shop because the flowers in those shops were actually gathered and arranged by other people. Oh. Okay, he said. But Im not talking about that. Im talking about taking you on an out-of-town trip. I walked over to the couch and plopped next to him. Out-of-town? I asked and then set Wonhees manuscript on the coffee table before I hauled my legs on the couch and lay my head on his lap. But were not going outside Korea, right? No. Where are we going? Looking up at him from this angle, I could clearly see the stubble under his chin, the protrusion of his Adams apple, and how perfectly symmetrical his nostrils were. Its a surprise, he said and glanced down at me. Stop staring at my nose, he said and covered my eyes with his hand. I waved his hand away. Im not gonna go if you wont tell me where were going. Remember your promise? You will go with me wherever I will take you to. But I wanna know where I insisted. Why? So I can pack right, I said, smiling up at him.

In that case, you will have to pack a lot, he said, smiling back. Why? Because were going to elope. His smile was now fake and toothy. WHAT?!?! I exclaimed, springing up from my lying position, incredulously staring wide-eyed at him. He laughed. Just kidding, he said, reaching over to pinch my cheek. Were really going to a church and get married. The hell, Jae. Stop joking around. Okay, I was just kidding. Its still a surprise and I intend to keep it a secret so it will still be a surprise when we get there. It was a secret he successfully kept for days.

***********
Jae, where the heck are you taking me? I asked for the millionth time since last week, my eyes wandered from snow-covered tree to snow-covered tree that lined the road. The last snowfall probably occurred just a couple of days ago, and the last time people passed by this area was probably a century ago. I was surprised that this tiny road was plowed and passable. It seemed like it was so far from civilization I felt like I was entering horror land, reminiscent of Stephen Kings The Shining. It seriously gave me the creeps. I told you, its a surprise. If I tell you now, then its not gonna be a surprise anymore, is it? he answered, the same reply hed been giving me since last week. But I kept on keeping on. Tell me now or I will surprise you with a sucker punch. Geez, so demanding! And what violent thoughts! I glared at him to attest my displeasure. Okay! Okay! he said, admitting defeat by raising a hand in the air. He pulled over to the side of the road, letting the car slide to a stop by a snowdrift. Am I always going to deal with this kind of attitude in the future? If you plan to include me in your future, then I guess the answer is yes. I pressed a button on my door to make sure the car was locked. We were in the middle of nowhere after all. Who knew what kind of weirdo was prowling around the area. What have I signed myself into? he asked, looking up, his hands raised aloft as though signaling an SOS to the heavens. Do you want to back out? I asked, challenging him. He turned off the engine and faced me. I have a feeling my life would be a lot easier if I hadnt met you.

I turned to him again. He didnt look as though he meant what he said, but still, I couldnt stop the hurt from crawling out of my face into visibility. It isnt too late, you know, I said, my voice soft, even breaking. If you dont want to be with me, its better we stop this now than later. He reached over and pinched my cheek. Im just kidding! You are such a drama queen, Bae Sunmi. I crinkled my nose at him. My life would probably be easier, but then it would not be complete. I scoffed, allowing myself to chuckle before I feign-puked. And just like that, I was appeased. Youre so cheesy, I said. He was now chuckling, amused by my reaction. Is that a pick-up line you got from Yisung or something? I asked. He laughed louder now. No. Not from Yisung-hyung. I got it from Twitter, actually, he admitted. You know what? What? Your pick-up lines are like rotten fish. Huh? Why? I cant stomach it. Then I guess you have to be puking a lot more in the future, he said, coz theres a lot more where that came from. Oh, God, I said, sounding as if I was already dreading all those pick-up lines. This made him chortle even more. So, where are we going? I asked again, for the umpteenth time. Remember the ski resort my family had been building? Yeah. Its here? Are we in Gangwon-do? I looked around. I didnt even know how far we had been driving. I fell asleep just as we left Seoul. Yeah. The resort is almost done and theyre going to do a test run in a couple of weeks. My grandfather told us we could invite friends over and just try the place out. I thought Id bring you here first. Plus, theres also a place nearby that I really want you to see. Are we gonna be by ourselves? I asked. The idea of just us by ourselves in a huge hotel was more scary than romantic. What the hell was Jaewoong thinking? I dont think Im gonna like it Jae. It seems scary. Why? You dont trust me? I do But who knows, the hotel might be haunted and then you might get possessed and I wasnt able to finish my delusional explanation for Jaewoong flicked my forehead out of nowhere. Yah, this isnt Stephen Kings The Shining. He laughed, shaking his head even though I knew that deep inside he was starting to freak out, too. The hotel isnt haunted, okay? Its a brand new hotel. Besides, were not gonna be staying in one of the hotel rooms. The heat in the hotel doesnt work yet. But we can go on the ski trails or go snowmobiling Just like in Hokkaido. B-but where are we going to stay then? Some of the chalets are already functional. We can stay in one of those. Theyre fully furnished. I felt relieved knowing that Jaewoong and I wouldnt have to roam around a huge empty hotel by ourselves.

And so you know, theres gonna be construction workers in the resort. It wont be just us. He must have seen the look of dread on my face. Happy now? I nodded even though I still struggled to shake off the scary images of Stephen Kings The Shining.

***********
Uh Do you really want me to go up to the top? I asked, looking up at the many flights of stairs that Jaewoong expected me to climb. They seemed endless, the walls so yellow and confining they made me feel like I was in a lemon hellhole. I was already dizzy and out of breath just by looking at them. Yeah, Jaewoong replied with a hopeful tone as he pulled his black beanie hat over his ears. Its not bad. Its only 15 storeys high. I felt my face ruckle in pain. I had to go up fifteen storeys worth of stairs? Why cant we use the elevators? I told you, the elevators dont work yet, Jaewoong explained as he took the first step up the stairs. Well cant we go up there when the elevators work? No. We have to go up there soon. He looked at his watch. We need to be up there really soon, Bug. Theres a schedule Im trying to follow you know. This better be worth it, Lee Jaewoong, I said with a defeated sigh as I lifted my leg to take the first step up. Jaewoong smiled with closed lips, letting me pass by him before he took another step. So whats going to be up there? I asked. Id already asked earlier, but since he didnt give me an answer then, I had to ask again now. Maybe he would tell me what I wanted to hear this time. Bae Sunmi-ssi, he replied in his authoritative, business-like voice. Do you ever have the patience to just wait and see? I rolled my eyes at him. But he was right, though. I always just ask and could never seem to wait. Five storeys later, I had to stop at one of the landings and leaned on the wall to catch my breath, the smell of new paint burning my nose. Jae, I need to rest for a while. Im out of breath. Aigoo, Sunmi-ahjumma is tired already? What did I tell you before? You need to start working out again. Itll be healthy for you. Maybe I can do Tae Kwon Do on you again, I said and then slid down the floor. Right. Like you can actually kick my ass, he said with sarcasm. He looked at his watch. Yah, you cant rest now, he said. Were going to miss it. His persistent determination to get me to the rooftop ASAP, coupled with the lack of oxygen getting to my brain, was pushing me on the verge of getting unhinged. What? Is there gonna be a meteor shower or something? Thats your White Day present for me? How original, I said with a satiric undertone. Ive seen it before in dramas, Birdface.

Yada yada yada. Just wait and see. Youll fall head over heels for me after tonight. He sat down on one of the steps, his elbows propped on his knees, his chin resting on his clasped gloved hands, and watched me with pure amusement. Youre completely and utterly mistaken, I said. Because I am already head over heels in love with you, you clueless Birdface! Oh, wait. Youre right. Im wrong. You wont fall head over heels in love with me after tonight because you already are head over heels in love with me! Its almost freaky how he could read my mind sometimes. What the heck are you smoking? I asked, pretending he didnt just go psychic on me. Its true, isnt it? Since when did-- Since the day you laid eyes on me, he interposed with a victorious and satisfied smile. I got up and place the back of my hand against his forehead, which made him momentarily baffled. I think you have a fever and youre having delusions, Lee Jaewoong-ssi. Jaewoong chuckled and pulled me closer to him, his arm hooking my neck. Even if you dont say it right now, I know you are. Whatever, Jae. He was right, though. I loved him, and I knew the reason why he was aware of how I felt was because my actions spoke louder than words. Even without verbal confirmation, it was blaringly obvious. But even though he already knew without me saying it, I knew I still have to tell him. I just needed the right moment and the right time to say it. Five more storeys later, I felt like my knees were going to give way. I had never climbed this many stairs since middle school, which seemed like a century ago. Come on, Sunmi. We dont have much time! You have to hurry! Jaewoong urged on from five steps above, ignoring my difficulty to breathe and the constant flaring of my nostrils. Aaaaah! I screamed my tiredness out. Can I just rest for ten minutes? I begged. Those ten long flights of stairs seemed more like a thousand, already depleting me from all the energy Id gained from dinner. Jaewoong glanced at his watch again. No. We only have ten minutes left, he said. I groaned, massaging my thighs, my back resting on the cold wall. Finally, seeing the pain I was in, Jaewoong went back down the steps and squatted in front of me. Come on, climb up. What? I asked, not knowing exactly what to do. Im giving you a piggyback ride for the rest of the flights, he said, giving me a look that said he was happy to give me a lift. For free, Bug. Grab it. It would be nice, I thought, but it would be downright absurd also. I was tired, yes, but I wasnt invalid, and I knew that after a good rest Id be able to go up the rest of the steps on my own. So I turned down his offer and walked past him to start going up to the rooftop. Although still a bit out of breath, I made sure I didnt look like a helpless damsel in distress.

Youre such a drama queen, Jaewoong commented before he followed me up the stairs. Youre not even really tired. I am tired, Jae. I just dont want you to give me a piggyback ride coz I dont want you to get more tired than me. My footsteps were heavy, the sound bouncing off the lemon walls, as I climbed the rest of the stairs. Aww, you care about me? Of course, I do. He had caught up with me so that now we were walking abreast. Because you love me? he asked, smiling down at me. The question took more air out of my lungs, momentarily causing me to quackle. What is with Jaewoong and his need for verbal confirmation that I indeed loved him? I guess he didnt believe in actions speak louder than words. But I wanted to say it to him of my own accord, not when hes prompting me to. Since I didnt know how to answer his question (more like didnt want to answer his question right now), I just let myself chuckle. You looove me, you looove me, he repeated in a singsong tune as he took the rest of the flights up ahead of me two steps at a time. Its a free country, Jae. You can think what you like, I said, feeling bad that I still havent told him that I loved him. All in good time, Jae, I will let you know how I really feel. All in good time. Finally, we got to the top of the building, my out-of-shape legs burning from the unplanned workout, my lungs fighting for air. Jaewoong pushed the heavy metal doors and let me out first. I was instantly refreshed by the passing winter wind. It was very dark outside, all the streetlights that guided us to the hotel earlier were shut off. If not for the stars and the waxing moon above, I wouldnt be able to see a thing. It took me a good few seconds to acclimate my vision to the murkiness. Jaewoong led me through untrodden snow to a park bench near a parapet overlooking the vast front yard of the resort. It was cold as hell from this elevation, I could feel my teeth chattering. A bouquet of some sort, wrapped in plastic covering, lay on the bench. Jaewoong picked it up and handed it to me. Not until it was in my hands did I realize they were not flowers but something I could not figure out here in the dark. What the heck is this? I said. What kind of bouquet would poke my skin? You will know in a few seconds, he replied. You brought me up here just to give me this? You could have just given it to me back in our chalet, you know. I could feel tiny, moist particles in the air now, and in no time, snowflakes started kissing my skin. Sssh, he said. Come over here. He held my hand and pulled me toward the waist-high parapet along the edge of the roof. We stood there, side by side, gazing at the vast darkness before us, with me not knowing exactly what we were about to do. Are we committing couple suicide by any chance? I asked, feeling suddenly acrophobic from the emptiness in front of me and the coldness of the wind that blew past me. Snow fall was getting heavier by the passing second. Jaewoong laughed like he always did whenever I blurt out things that were not necessarily filtered. Bug, just be quiet for a moment, please. And just wait. At midnight, youll see.

Jaewoong made a short countdown, like we were waiting for a ball to drop on New Years Eve. Nine eight seven six five four three two one. Happy White Day he said in a soft voice. Okay, I thought. What was the special thing that we were waiting for? More darkness? Snow? Snow in the dark? We could have done all this back in the warmth and comfort of our chalet. Really, coming here was unnecessary. And then it happened. One by one, the lamps around the resort lit up, finally illuminating our night like huge fireflies. I could see the snowflakes clearer now, so ethereal against the halogen lights of the lamps, dancing without choreography along a soundless music. Trees looked like multiple-armed ghosts, motionless and harmless, and the snow-covered hills beyond were looming like giant, white turtlebacks, quietly guarding the resort, the whiteness subdued by the night. Everything was quiet and simple yet hauntingly majestic, the stillness only occasionally interrupted by a singular hooting of an owl that echoed in the air in intervals. Its beautiful, Jae, I said in my mesmerized voice, slowly turning to get a panoramic view of this winter night landscape that I had never seen before. Ive never seen anything like it before. I didnt think youd appreciate its beauty if we were down there, he said, nodding at the untouched white ground below us. Do you like it? I nodded. More than like, actually, I said. I love it! Jaewoong knew better not to give me material things because for people like us, who could afford anything in the world, material things were a dime a dozen, bearing only diminished meanings of love and appreciation. Gestures like this, though, planned and done with great effort, were the ones that really conveyed whatever the heart spoke. Can you see them now? he asked, nodding at the bouquet in my arms. I looked down at what I was cradling close to my chest, realizing now that the bouquet was nothing but dried stems with a few brittle leaves, twigs, and small branches all tied up in one bunch. What the heck? I said, looking up at him with a bewildered look. You said you didnt like bouquets from flower shops because theyre gathered and made with the effort of others. Thats why Im giving you this instead, he said, gesturing at the bunch of crap in my arms. I raised my eyebrow at him. I gathered them and made that bouquet myself, he proudly stated. A bouquet of twigs! Well, its Winter, Bug. What do you expect? he exclaimed in all seriousness. Look, these are rose stems, and these are lily stems, and these are cherry blossom branches I fought so hard to bottle up my laughter inside and keep a straight face. Jaewoong was just so plain goofy sometimes. It was one of the reasons why I loved him so much. How could one not fall for this kind of honesty and sincerity? If today were spring, this bouquet would be so beautiful. I promise, he said and gestured to cross his heart. He looked so serious but sounded silly at the same time. He looked like he was trying to suppress his laughter, too.

But the amusement I felt ballooned so much in me that I couldnt possibly curb my laughter any longer. I buried my face in his chest as I let my laughter escape in a broken and muffled convulsion. When I finally had composed myself, Jaewoong handed me something elsea long stemmed rose that I had no idea where he got from (I had not noticed it earlier). Oh, I said with cheer. This was more like it, I thought, romantic. Smiling, I took it from him and smelled it. It had no fragrance whatsoever, and when I took a closer look, I then realized why. Its plastic? I asked, my voice betraying my disappointment. I was gonna give you a real rose, but decided to get you one thats going to last forever instead, he said, his voice soft. And as long as this rose keeps its bloom, you can bet your bottom dollar that my love for you will remain, he added with apparent earnestness. There was something about his words and his voice that pinched my heart. And then I thought of the stories that Wonhee had read before, how the male lead characters died and left the female lead characters sad and lonely, and it instantly gripped me in fear. I dont want you to die, Jae, I blurted out of nowhere, making Jaewoong look puzzled. My paranoid thoughts were making me sound like a nutcase, apparently. What the heck are you talking about? Jaewoong asked with a chortle. He looked over the parapet. I told you were not going to commit suicide. I chuckled out my embarrassment. I know Im just saying that I dont want you to die, ever, I said, not caring about how crazy I must have sounded. At least not while Im still alive. He studied me for a moment, his smile unsure. Drama Queen, he said, simultaneously pinching my cheek. Promise you wont die while Im still alive? I pressed. Bug, why are you talking like this? He pulled me close and confined me in his embrace, the twigs crushed between us, poking our skin. I just I just dont want us to end up like the couples in those sad dramas or in Wonhees stories I was looking up at him, my chin resting on his chest. You and Wonhee you two seriously watch too much TV and read too much-- Just just promise me, please? I begged. Okay I promise, he said and kissed the bridge of my nose. I closed my eyes and buried my face in the warmth of his coat, relieved by his promise. Thank you. He took the twig bouquet and set it aside, on top of the parapet, and then he proceeded to tightening his embrace around me. I should be the one to thank you, Bug Youve made everything in this life worthy again. We stood there for a while, warm and secure in each others arms despite the snowfall coming down heavier by the minute. We should head back to the chalet, Jaewoong said when our visibility had gone lower and the cold seeped through our clothes, his breath fogging. Tomorrow I have one more thing for you.

Chapter 26: Finding Peachland Part 5

The snow was a foot thicker the next day, blanketing the area with a serene, powdery whiteness that was nothing short of breathtaking. It reminded me of Hokkaido, when the snowstorm trapped us in that hut up in the mountain. I thought back to the first time Jaewoong and I spent the night together. Although at that time I didnt want (nor expect) to be stranded with him for the whole night (especially because he got on my nerves), thinking back now, I wouldnt change a thing about it. I must admit, it would be a cute story to tell our children someday. Hey, I greeted Jaewoong when I joined him in the kitchen. He was making breakfastjust the basic toast and eggsand at the same time setting the table. It looked like he aimed for a romantic setting but ended up making the table look like a coordinated mess by putting the twig bouquet he gave me last night in an old vase, which was placed on one end of the small table, and a glass bowl half-filled with marbles on the other end of the table. Good morning, he said, giving me a kiss just as I stepped in next to him by the stove. Did you have a good nights sleep? Uh-huh, I said, suddenly feeling flushed for no reason, I did. Liar, I told myself. The truth was, I had to toss and turn seven thousand times until the wee hours of the morning because it took me that long to get him out of my mind. Apparently, when theres a pinch of lust (oh, who am I kidding? Not just a pinch, a whole bowlful) sprinkled into your feelings, it makes you insomniac. How about you? I asked as I poured coffee into this giant mug the size of my face. No, not really, he said. Oh... Is it because you couldnt get me out of your mind and you had to toss and turn seven thousand times like I did? I smiled at the thought. So, Im not alone. I swear, I could hear this romantic music in my head, the kind that makes your heart melt. How come? I asked in my sweet, innocent but coy voice. Theres a draft in my room. I was freezing. And my romantic soundtrack was superseded by a record scratch in a matter of seconds. The assumption that he was also thinking about me became a squished fantasy. You should have gotten more blankets, I said although I really wanted to say, You should have slept in my room. I know. I will tonight, he said. He placed a couple of toasts and a sunny side-up egg on each plate. As Jaewoong made his way to the table, he locked his eyes in mine, one corner of his mouth curling into a smile that suggested he knew a secret. It made me so conscious of all the un-verbalized dirty thoughts I had of him. He held the two plates before him, making his arm muscles visibly tight against the short sleeves of his white t-shirt. He was still in his pajamas, and his oh-so-sexy, just-got-out-of-bed mussed-up hair made me draw up images that didnt necessarily assist my attempt to wean myself out of the SPO zone. Needless to say, I was a gawking spectator. Who could blame me for having indecent thoughts of him when he looked that sexy even with that just-got-out-of-bed look? I tried to tone down my gawking by keeping my mug in the air so I could sort of hide behind it while ogling at him. Am I that good-looking? he asked with a satisfied half-smile dancing on his lips. Apparently, my cover didnt work.

What are you talking about? I diverted my gaze to the laugh often, love deeply inscription on the mug before me. I dont know I just have this feeling that you couldnt take your eyes off me. I scoffed and finally put my coffee mug down. Useless cover. Im guessing you didnt sleep well last night, I said. He placed my plate before me. Why do you say that? he asked as he took a seat across from me. Coz youre more delusional today than yesterday. Does that mean you dont think Im good-looking? Yeah. Ouch, he said, scrunching up his face and holding a hand against his chest as though I just crushed his heart. I could have sworn you were gawking at me, he said with pretend-seriousness. Sorry to disappoint, I said, averting my eyes from him to the food on my plate. I could feel his eyes on me and I wondered what nonsense hed say next. We ate in silence for a few minutes. Yah, Bae Sunmi, he called. I looked up. What? Dont you know how to exchange flirty words with your boyfriend? Uh I raised my eyebrows at him. Is that a trick question? He didnt reply. He crossed his arms and just looked straight at me. I forced a smile. Perhaps a rhetorical question? Still no reaction from him. His stare was drilling holes on my face. I take it was a real question I said. Is he seriously asking me to flirt with him? Uh Uhm I do know how to do that, but I just Prefer to attack him he said, finishing my sentence for me. What? Attack? What the heck is he talking about? Yes. Attack, he said matter-of-factly. Attack with your lips. Whaaat? Yup. You skip the flirtatious conversations. You just kiss the guy before he could even start to wonder whether or not you like him. What in the world are you talking about? Im kind of lost here. Remember the time we were in Hokkaido? That night we were at the lake? I nodded. How could I forget?

I could not, for the life of me, tell if you liked me or not. I kept thinking, does she like me? Doesnt she like me? And just when I thought you didnt, you surprised me no, you shocked me with a kiss out of nowhere. So, I guess you just attack guys with your kisses and leave them stunned like idiots. Wait, did you like me before that? Uh yeah only a lot, he said with a no-duh look. See Jae, youre not the only one who wondered whether the other person likes you or not. I didnt know you liked me then! Bug, would I suddenly change my plans from skiing to snowmobiling if I didnt want to spend time with you? Would I want to spend time with you if I didnt like you? Would I make sure to get your attention all the time if I didnt like you? he said before shoving a piece of toast into his mouth. Why didnt you just tell me? I was testing the water. I wanted to make sure you liked me. I already made a fool of myself in front of you before. I didnt want to do it again. He took another sip of his coffee. This confession was making me over-the-top giddy this time. It felt good. He continued, I thought, if youd flirt even just a little, Id go ahead and ask you out. But you were all platonic and old-fashioned. Even when we were pretending to be a couple, you couldnt even act-flirt naturally. And then, boom! You stunned me with a kiss. I felt my cheeks burn. I did kiss him without warning. He was just so kissable at that moment I couldnt help myself. There were lots of things that stripped me off of all inhibitions and made my heart melt despite the lower-than-average temperature back then. His too-cute-to-resist eye-smile, his I wanna be a swan in my next life speech, his embarrassed laughter they were the magic that weakened my walls and freed my heart. And I believe that wasnt the only time you stunned me with your kisses. You just get straight to business, dont you? No previews, no warning no f-foreplay. GULP. Foreplay? I fell right into the cracks of SPO madness once again. He stood up and went to the kitchen before my defense counsel could say something to my witness. I happened to catch a glance of Jaewoongs blushing face, as red as mine must have been. It was only then that I realized that Jaewoong had said the word foreplay a little more softly than the other words in his sentence, as though he didnt mean to use that word as part of the statement. A little Freudan slip perhaps? I smiled to myself. So, the truth came out. I wasnt the only one being limbo-ed in SPO land. He was washing his plate when I walked up to him. Wash mine, too? I asked and placed my cup and plate in the sink after he nodded. Seeing him blush at the word foreplay sort of moved my courage up a notch into an unprecedented level. I know how to flirt, Jae. In fact, Im flirting with you right now. So, in Sunmis world, asking a guy to wash your plate is a form of flirting? he asked without looking at me. I laughed, moved closer and wrapped my arm around his waist so that now I was pressed against him, my face on the small of his back. Is this flirting? I asked, tilting my body to the side so I could have a look of his face. He didnt say anything and just smiled. I was doing some progress. I let the side of my face rest against his back once again while I waited for him to say something. But he just continued washing the dishes in silence.

That wasnt true, you know, I said. What? What you said earlier. What did I say? That I go straight to business I said in the sexiest voice I could muster. I mean, who does that? I stood on my tippy toes to nip his nape. He squirmed and I heard a faint gasp. Before he could turn around, I walked away. Im gonna go change now. Youre taking me somewhere, right? Jaewoong didnt say anything, or maybe could not say anything, but I could feel his stare on my back as the distance between us widened. I had a feeling he was stunned because I, once again, did an attack. When I came out of my room later, Jaewoong was already geared up for todays activity, dressed in an allnavy blue skiing outfit that matched mine, ready to venture out in the cold. He was standing by the kitchen window, looking outside, no sign of being fazed by my attack earlier. It looks like we need a snowmobile to go to that place, Jaewoong said as he diverted his gaze from the winter landscape outside the chalet to me. He had promised to take me to a special place last night as part of his White Day present for me. It must be quite a distance away from where we were. Im not riding with you, I said. I almost felt faint thinking about how Jaewoong raced down that winding path in Hokkaido with me screaming behind him, my arms tight around him, holding on for dear life. He frowned at me. Why? You almost got us killed in Hokkaido! I reminded him in an exaggerated manner. I did not! Youre scary with snowmobiles. There ought to be a law against you operating snowmobiles. I walked over to the living room and checked myself out on the decorative mirror above the television. I was wearing one of Jaewoongs beanie hats, and it looked funky on me, my hair sticking out in all the weird places. But whatever. Warmth was more important than looks. Theres only one snowmobile available, though, he said as I walked back to the kitchen. Then Im not going. I promise I wont drive fast, he said. He walked over and reached his arms around my waist. You wont regret it if you come. Youre really going to love it. I could impugn his statement based on history and on the premise that he just would normally go crazy when operating a snowmobile. But I really wanted to come, though. I was curious about this place he claimed might be the best sight I would ever lay my eyes on; even a better sight than him, he jokingly affirmed. So I let myself trust his word. He assured me again and again that he wouldnt torture me with his snowmobiling X-games-like antics. He kept his promise for the most part. He gave me a scare twice during our tripletting us fly over a bump and driving really fast on a bendjust because he wanted to play with me. He only stopped when I told him that Id break up with him if he did it the third time and that I was serious about it. He was curbed. We drove for around thirty minutes, passing downhill and tortuous paths toward the nearest town outside the resort. Then Jaewoong turned to a small road, with leafless trees hovering above us. It led to a

vista point that had a panoptic view of a snow-blanketed land that was punctuated with perfect rows of what looked like skinny saplings overlaid with fresh snowfall. I got off the snowmobile and took off my sunglasses to take an uninterrupted look of the view. The bright sunrays hitting the white surface of the snowy ground created a blinding reflection, making me squint. What is this place, Jae? I asked as Jaewoong parked the snowmobile near a rock on the side. We walked over to the edge, which was lined with snow-covered bushes and rocks outcropping on the hillside that gradually sloped into the flatter land below. He took his helmet off, leaving his beanie crooked on his head, and adjusted his Oakleys. Its a place where youve always wanted to go, he said as he pulled his hat over his ears. Huh? I looked at him with a befuddled look. He took my hand and led me to a barely passable winding trail that would bring us down to the land below the overlook. A few inches of fresh, fluffy snow powder squeaked under our boots, scaring two leverets away from the path. After a few minutes of treacherous hike, we finally reached leveled ground at the bottom of the hill. The snow accumulation here and the landscape beyond was thicker than what we had clumped over back in the trail, maybe because there were no more trees that interrupted the snowfall last night. It was just all snow from where we stood to the farm, which was probably a quarter of a mile away. We headed to the farm, staggering along a twelve-inch accumulation of untouched snow, leaving a swath of footstep holes behind us. We finally reached a fenced stone-and-wood barn house after so many laborious steps and smoky breaths. There were no signs of human activity in the house, no lights through the glass windows, no smoke coming out of the stone chimney. Behind the barn were the rows of saplings I saw earlier, only I realized now that they were not young trees but mature ones, only small. Jaewoong pointed at the gate. It had an arched sign above that said WELCOME TO. Below it was a pensile sign that said PEACHLAND, its rusty metal links creaking as the breeze blew past it. Nailed to the side of the gate was a cardboard that said, Farm is closed for the season, marker-written in sloppy characters. I had a big, beaming smile on my face, immediately forgetting the need to still catch my breath, which was then followed by a sense of wonder and an overwhelming mish-mash of emotions flowing through me, all coming together lugging my throat with a weeping gasp. I never expected to find a place called Peachland, to be standing here right now, in the middle of nowhere, with an actual Peachland sprawling before me. I knew Jaewoong could do so many unexpected things for melast nights majestic evening winter landscape, the carefully thought-out twig bouquet, the peach ice cream and peach juice that always seemed to be available in his fridge But I never expected he would bring me to this place. Never this. Never to a land that I was about toafter so many years--admit didnt exist. And the unexpectedness of this moment and the thoughtfulness of his action were what brought me to tears. When my grandmother first told me about Peachland, I imagined a place so many light-years away from Japan. It was a place where houses were painted peach, where the air smelled like peach, where all trees were peach trees inhabited by peach fairies, a world I created out of loneliness and the heart-wrenching desire to be with my parents. I spent many a night dreaming of the day Id finally set foot in Peachland. Before sleeping, Id gaze out my window and wonder which planet or star in the sky Peachland was. As years passed, the peach planet in my imagination shrunk into just a countrymaybe its a land here on Earth, a country that produced a lot of peaches. And then, as even more years passed, that country became smaller. I thought, maybe Peachland was a city; maybe its a city in Japan that produced a lot of peaches. And then as the years piled on, that city shrunk into a small town, just a dot on a big map. Although small, I still actually believed it existed in a real map, something I could still find. But I grew older, and my age and the size of Peachland had become inversely proportionalas my age increased, Peachlands size decreased. The place became even smaller. It became so small that it just turned into a symbol. I had grown old enough to admit that such place didnt exist. Peachland then became just a metaphor, a place that doesnt have anything to do with peaches, just a regular place where I could find my family. But as more years went by, even that notion became just a metaphor within a metaphor Peachland was not necessarily a place where I could find my parents but a place where I could find true love.

So seeing this place now, where the word Peachland was painted in bold, black characters on a piece of flat wood, was like seeing a part of my childhood imagination come to lifelike seeing a unicorn glowing in a forest clearing or actually finding a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. It might have become small, but it never died. I know how much it means for you to find the place. And I know you said Peachland is more like a metaphor than an actual place. But when I happened to pass by this place a couple of weeks ago, I knew I had to get you here. My eyes and my nose were burning now and I blamed it partly on the winter wind gusts that whistled past us, but mostly because I was choked up, once again condoling with my younger self as memories of my childhood quest to find an actual Peachland came rushing back to me. I leaned sideways and rested my head against Jaewoong when I couldnt stop more tears from brimming over, overawed with love. He placed his arm around me, letting me take in the beauty of a place that was once a perpetual myth. I finally found it, I wanted to tell a wide-eyed seven-year-old Bae Sunmi. When my parents left, they had obscured Peachland from me, taking this place of love and security away with them. And just when I finally started to completely tuck the memory of Peachland away, Lee Jaewoong came in with the promise to make me believe in its meaning once again. By far and without a doubt, it was the best gift I had ever received from anyone.

***********
After our Peachland stop, we drove the snowmobile to a nearby four-corner town located five miles south of the resort. We got some things to eat for tonighta pack of frozen dumplings, a block of soft tofu, some kimchi and pickled cucumber. It was already dusk when we got back to our chalet, our bodies reaching freezing point. Jaewoong and I prepared our dinnerour version of mandu sandobu in less than thirty minutes. To our surprise, it turned out pretty good, a result Jaewoong attributed to his self-proclaimed culinary expertise (to which I feigned a gag response). Kidding aside, though, the soup was good. Then we had a movie marathon after we took showers and changed into our pajamas. Mainly because watching movies is pretty much the only thing you can do if youre spending the night in a snow-locked land. Unless of course. . . Yup. That. An option that crossed my mind on an hourly basis. Gosh. Blush. As the hours passed, my knees became weaker, my heart pounded louder, as I wondered what would take place in the nearer futurenamely the next hour, the next minute, or the next moment I opened my eyes from a blink. I was a tad too abashed to admit to myself that I was feeling a little bit of randiness, so I blamed evolution for making humans develop hormones that were now raging in every nook and cranny of my body. It was just normal, I told myself. As normal as the blue sky or the heat on a mid-summer day. Normal girls feel this way when theyre alone with their boyfriends on a getaway, I assured myself. I wished he wasnt sitting so close to me, huddled under my blanket, his warm skin grazing against mine. But dammit, he was, and the fact that he had just taken a shower and smelled so good didnt help reduce my libido. Damn this human physiology. I had a flash of us in Hokkaido, when we made out in the hotel room, and I remembered how I boldly guided his hands to grope me. I knew Jaewoong wouldnt push me to do something I wasnt ready to do. So how was I supposed to let him know I was? Because I think I was. Or not. I was too nervous to even think if I was ready or not. Long ago, I had asked Mazuki how she knew she was ready to have sex. She said it just happened naturally with her and her then-boyfriend, Urabe Toma. You just know, Sunmi-chan, like how you just know the night is dark and China is going to rule the world. Her answer, of course, didnt help. I had asked Wonhee, too. But of course, coming from a fellow virgin, I

had to take her words with a pinch of salt. She told me that maybe a girl is ready when nature takes control. Those would have been great advices if you wanted to confuse yourself. But then another friend of mine, Allie-unnie, had told me once that as long as I did it with someone I loved and who genuinely loved me back, everything would just fall in place. The most important thing about your first time is the who you do it with because if you do it with the right person, the person you love, someone you share the same feelings with, then the when would just come naturally. A few minutes passed, but still, Jaewoong had not made the first move, and now I began to wonder if I wasnt attractive enough, if he had already lost interest in me. Was he permanently scarred by what happened in Hokkaido? When I made fun of his hard-on? Shit, does my breath stink? I pretended to stretch my arms aloft for the actual purpose of secretly taking a sniff of my armpit, the long sleeves of my pink flannel pajamas falling down to my elbows. Id just taken a shower, but one could never be too confident. Needless to say, I didnt smell anything out of the ordinary. I so desperately wanted to make out with him, but Id be dammed if I made the first move this time. If he wasnt ready, then Id just have to wait for the right moment. But I couldnt help but think what the purpose of this getaway was. And here I was, barefacedly thinking it was to take our relationship one step further, but I guess I was wrong. And so I decided to go to my bedroom and sleep. Just as I was about to say something, Jaewoong said, Bug, stretching his arms, yawning, Im going to go to bed now. He beat me to it. I wanted to do it first so he wouldnt think I was staying up to wait for something to happen. Of course, that didnt happen. Oh, really? Im about to do exactly the same thing Im kind of tired, I said, yawning for effect. He stood up. Okay, good night. He bent over to give me a kiss. It lingered for a few seconds, long enough for me to think that it was the signal move I was waiting for. But before I could hold him still and possibly chain him up next to me, he pulled away, leaving me hungry for more. Ill see you tomorrow, he said, leaving me with nothing but a lingering snapshot of a secretly amused smile. Damn you, Lee Jaewoong! I forced a smile back. Okay, see ya tomorrow. Sleep tight. And dont let me bite. I let a few minutes pass before I went to my room. Jaewoongs bedroom door, which was located at the end of the hallway, quiet and isolated from where I stood, was already closed, softly lit by a streetlight that shone through a bare window. I didnt know what came over me, but instead of turning right to enter my room, I found myself walking to his door, en route passing a few boxes and a stool that cluttered the hallway. I didnt really plan on going inside his room. I just wanted to touch his door, cup my hand on the knob, as stupid and unbelievable as that might sound. But halfway down the hallway, something happened that I did not take into account before I stupidly made my decision to check-out Jaewoongs bedroom doorthe hardwood floors creaked beneath my soles. Crap! Crap! Crap! Immediately I turned around and headed back to my own bedroom, each step I took making a concert of creaking sounds, louder and louder, to my mortification.

Bug? I heard Jaewoongs voice when I was halfway on my way back to my room. I froze for a moment, quickly thinking of an excuse for this highly suspicious activity I was engaged in. I turned around. I could only see his silhouette against the light through the window, but I had no doubt he was regarding me with a what-the-heck-are-you-doing look. What are you doing? he asked. Incredible how I could read his mind. I went to the bathroom would have been a good excuse, but unfortunately, both bedrooms of that chalet had their own bathrooms, so I scratched that on my mental list. There was nothing I could do but chuckle out this enormous amount of embarrassment that took over my body. I, uh forgot where my bedroom was. It was rather a poor excuse but an excuse nonetheless. An excuse that he actually bought. Oh I see he said, nodding, believing my stupid lie. Or perhaps pretending to believe my stupid lie. Sorry for disturbing you, I said, then took a few steps back. Its fine Okay Good night. I took a few more steps back. For some reason, I waved at him, as though I was leaving to go somewhere. The moment couldnt have been more awkward. Watch out! Jaewoong called out a warning just when the back of my legs hit something. Before I knew it, I lost my balance and found myself falling backward and my butt was acquainted with things that made a muted crashing sound. Thankfully, it was a somewhat soft landing, my fall broken by the same box that tripped me and the packing peanuts that would supposedly protect the content of that box. Jaewoong rushed toward me. Are you okay? he asked as he crouched down to help me get up. Im so sorry. I shouldnt have placed this box here. It was the box he brought back from the hotel the other day, filled with useless knickknacks and whatnots. Its not your fault. I should have been more careful, I said. And I shouldnt have wandered around in the middle of the night, seeking to touch a handsome boys bedroom door, I thought. You shouldnt be walking in the dark, he said as I finally found my footing. I know I should not... I looked at the box and pushed it aside with my foot. Thanks uhm good night again. As soon as I saw the corner of Jaewoongs lips rise into an amused grin, I turned around. I didnt want to witness the fact that he knew I was nervous or that I lied about forgetting where my bedroom was. I just had a feeling Jaewoong knew I headed to his bedroom with a particular purpose. I didnt look back at him as I wended my way back to my bedroom. Once I shut my door close, I rushed into my bed and cocooned myself with the covers, fetal position and all. Somehow, it helped me deal with the embarrassment that had just transpired. Why on earth did I do that? All that lying, pretending that I wasnt really heading to his bedroom, made it more embarrassing than if I had just barged into his bedroom and declared that I happened to seek the warmth and comfort of his arms around me. Gaah! Now I couldnt sleep! Then, there was a knock on my door. Yes? I called out, uncovering my face from the blanket. My whole body was burning up from the aftershocks of the humiliating situation earlier and the dread of hearing what Jaewoong might say about that situation. Can I come in?

Gulp. Can the earth just swallow me now? Yeah, I replied, fixing my hair before turning on the bedside lamp. He opened the door. I just need to get another blanket, he said, nodding toward the closet on the opposite side of the room from my bed. So, he didnt come in here to talk about the whole hallway fiasco. Sunmi, youre just stressing yourself when theres no need to. Stop thinking too much. Your room is still cold? I asked. I remembered he mentioned something about the draft in his room this morning. He had said he had to have maintenance check all the chalets for drafts before opening the resort to the public. Yeah. Worse. He was now reaching for a comforter on the top shelf of the closet. Oh, I said and then looked around. Do you want to sleep here instead? I asked before I could stop myself. Shit. I just threw myself at him, didnt I? So much for being demure. But its not like we havent slept next to each other before. We already had. More than once. So this shouldnt be such a big deal. But why was I making it a big deal? Jaewoong looked at me for a moment and his eyes trained toward the empty space next to me. Its alright. I think Ill be fine, he said and then headed out, his arms wrapped around the comforter. I was relieved and disappointed at the same time. Thirty minutes later, when I was still wide awake in the dark, tired from all the tossing and turning, a set of soft knocks rapped on my door. Jae? Yeah uhm Come in. He opened the door but didnt come in right away. I reached up to the lamp to turn it on again. Bug can I take you up on your offer? My eyebrows rose in query. Oh, what a nice, unexpected fortune, I thought, feeling triumphant. Everything inside me rejoiced in silence while my exterior struggled to keep that exultant look from showing. My heart pounded like a Korean gong smashed ten times per second. Its just that my room is too cold. I thought I could handle it, but I couldnt feel my feet anymore. My heart pounded even more. S-Sure. No problem. Jaewoong headed toward the closet. What are you doing? Im getting a mat. Why? Ill sleep on the floor. I rolled my eyes. Really? Hes being modest now? Jae, the bed is big enough for the both of us, you know.

His reaction surprised me. He had his signature amused grinone side up, lips slightly partedthat used to annoy me and yet turn me on at the same time. Now it just turned me on, period. What? I asked, compelled to break the momentary silence. Are you sure its okay for me to sleep next to you? Doesnt my presence make you nervous? His eyes were smiling like a tease. What? Why would I get nervous around you? Was it possible that he knew what I was thinking this whole time? Gaaah! How embarrassing was that? Jaewoong chuckled. I was just thinking the same thing. Why would you be nervous? Its not like we havent spent a night together before, right? R-Right, I echoed, trying to blink my embarrassment away. I lay there in silence as I eyed Jaewoong making his way toward the other side of the bed. He thinks hes so cunning? He really thinks his presence affects me that much? I scoffed in silence. I would strengthen my resolve not to be swayed by his presence this time. He lay down on the other side of the bed, choosing a spot on the very edge, a good two feet away from me, as though he was scared I was going to grab him inappropriately. Why are you lying on the very edge? I asked, turning to face him, my arm propped up, the side of my face on my palm. He turned his head sideways so that now he was facing me. I dont know. Maybe Im scared that youre going to do something to me in my sleep. I flouted. Like what? He smiled, an all-too-knowing smile. Like steal kisses, maybe? God! Youre so full of yourself! I said and turned away from him, reaching up to cut the lamp light off. I heard him chuckle. And then everything stilled into a curious silence for a few moments. And then I felt the bed move, Jaewoong probably turning to his side. As though magnetized, I slowly turned to my other side so that now I was facing him. You can steal as many kisses you want. I wont press charges, he whispered. Really, I said. I felt my face flush, and I felt giddy by the words that were spoken so softly only my heart could hear. He reached for my hand and held it between us, on top of our comforter. Really. For a moment, we just laid there, on our side, silently gazing at each other in the dark. What was he thinking right now? I couldnt even think because I was so busy thinking what he was thinking. He closed his eyes, and I felt it was a cue for me to withdraw my hand. But before I could pull my hand back to my side of the bed, he tightened his grip around it, and then curled his fingers around mine. Are you still cold? Do you want me to turn on the fireplace? I asked. He shook his head. No, Im fine right now. He closed his eyes while mine panned down to our hands holding, placed in the middle of the bed, converged in a V. For the next few minutes, I let him hold my hand and I didnt change my position, not moving a single muscle. When I was sure that he already drifted off to sleep, I slowly withdrew my hand from his hold and rolled myself to face away.

In the dark, while I stared at the wall in front of me, I had flashes of me and Jaewoong in the past months since we first met. They seemed to have happened years ago yet the memories were still so vivid it seemed like they only happened yesterday. Our first meeting, our first real conversation, our first fight, our first kiss All of them led us to this moment, and even though he was right here with me and his heart belonged to me, there was still something in me that was afraid all of this was just a dream, afraid that one day Id wake up back in my bed in Japan, and that all these would be just a distant part of a beautiful dream. I knew Jaewoong would not leave me, but why was I afraid that we still would end up living separate lives? With Ken and Chaerim out of the picture, the skies in our lives were clear now, but why did I feel like a storm was still coming, still lurking in the horizon, ready to pour torrential rain on us when we least expect it? I tried to picture my life without Jaewoong and my heart started to ache, like its-going-to-stopfunctioning ache. I didnt think I could live without him. I knew why I was put in this place and time, where Jaewoong could be part of my life, because he was the one that made my life worth living. The room was quiet. The only sound I could hear was the sound of the bed as I turned and the soft sound of Jaewoongs breathing, a light snore. He was still on the far right side of the bed, keeping his word not to invade my space. He looked so handsome I felt my heart skip beats while watching him in the dark. I moved closer, placing my head near his, my palm under my cheek. My gaze traveled from his hair down to his forehead, down to the brush of straight, long lashes, to the tip of his nose and the curve of his lips. Yes, he was right. I could steal kisses right now, steal so many I could commit a felony, but I stopped myself. Maybe some other time. Tonight I would just keep myself at this distance, observing him up close, lying so still as the clock turned, wondering how I got so lucky as to have him. I was only interrupted when I remembered that I had totally forgotten to call Wonhee today. I looked around for my phone. I must have left it in the living room. So I got up, eased out of the bed, and left the bedroom. My phone was lying on the coffee table in the living room, next to a peanut bowl, surrounded by water glasses and empty beer bottles. The wall clock above the TV indicated that it was twenty minutes past eleven. Wonhee could still be up. But she did not answer my call. I caught a glimpse of the outside from the kitchen window as I placed my phone back on the table. It was snowing like the forecast predicted. The room seemed colder and I was now fully awake, my desire to go to sleep gone. I brought the empty glasses to the kitchen sink and then decided to make some hot chocolate. I had just placed a cup of water in the microwave when I heard a door open and then footsteps in the hallway. Seconds later, Jaewoong joined me in the kitchen. Did I wake you up? I asked, apologetic. The microwave whirred behind me as it heated my water. He slightly shook his head, rubbed one eye. Squinting, he asked, Why are you still up? I was gonna call Wonhee but there was no answer, I replied. The microwave beeped. Do you want some hot chocolate? Ill make you one. Can I just have some of yours? he asked, pulling a chair at the dining table. Sure. I poured half-a-pouch of chocolate in my hot water, stirred in a little bit of milk, and then joined him at the table. I pulled a chair across from him. No, sit here, Jaewoong said and pulled a chair next to him. He then leaned over the table to drag the cup closer. I watched him take a sip. How is it? Its perfect. Not too sweet.

I didnt use up the whole packet. He gave the cup to me as I sat next to him. Drink some more, I said. He shook his head. Its all yours. He placed his arm over my shoulder and pulled me closer. I didnt resist. I forgot to ask you earlier, have you noticed any changes in Youngwoo-hyung recently? Jaewoong asked as I took a sip of my drink. Well, yeah. He seems depressed, doesnt he? I said, placing my cup on the table. He did before. But Im talking about recently recently. He seems Jaewoong squinted his eyes and knit his eyebrows as if he was trying to find the right word, a little bit happier. Hmm Really? Yeah. I knew he really missed Minjoo-unnie. On your birthday, I could tell he really missed her. Do you think he found her? Jaewoong cocked his head to the side, his eyes looking up. I dont know. I dont think so. He hasnt said anything. Whatever it is, Im glad hes happier now. It pained me to see him all depressed since Minjoonoona left. I did everything to cheer him up, you know Everything? Yeah. Did you hire a hooker for him? Jaewoongs eyebrows flipped in surprise. No! he said, flicking my forehead. What is wrong with you? he asked. I tried to hold my laughter in. Well, you said everything. Well, everything except that, he said. Unlike you, I dont resort to those things to fight off depression. Unlike me? Are you saying I hire hookers? I dont know Maybe. With that dirty mind of yours, who knows what you do on your free time, he said, obviously teasing me. Oh my god! Im so embarrassed. How did you find out about my hobby? I said, playing along. Jaewoong gave me a what-the-hell look, and I fought to keep a straight face. Letting out a sigh, I pretended to be reminiscent. I had a favorite gigolo before. I can still remember his name Jaewoongs eyebrows were raised higher now. Mister Dick Hardy, I continued. What the hell? Jaewoong said, glowering at me. I had to press my lips together to stifle my laugter. Then he started chuckling and flicked my forehead once again. Dont say things like that. Was that funny? I asked, now chuckling myself.

Jaewoong didnt reply. He just gave his head a tiny shake as though saying he couldnt believe what he just heard. Then he stood up and headed to the kitchen, saying, Bae Sunmi, you never cease to amuse me and shock me at the same time. He washed the dirty dishes in the sink. Jae, come back here, I said in a whiny voice. There was a smirk on his face. You miss me already? Yes, I said. I was openly flirting now. I realized that if you just let go of your inhibitions and stop overthinking your actions, flirting could be fun. I guess it cant be helped. Im aware Im very miss-able, he said with a smug look. Araso, Ill be there after I finish washing the dishes. Can you wash my cup, too? Is this gonna be my life when we get married? Im gonna be reduced to a dishwasher? he asked without looking at me, which was a good thing because I started to flush upon his mention of marriage. I guessed I had to get used to idea. I mean, relationships only have two endings, right? You either end up married or broken up. I sure as hell didnt want to end up in the latter category. I had to retaliate with a joke to cover up my flushed moment. Of course not. You have to cook, too. Jaewoong looked up and met my gaze. Just shoot me now, he said, making me laugh out loud. He was scrubbing the pot we used earlier for our ramyun dinner, his eyes seemed so focus in getting it spot-free clean. I felt my heart tickled at the sight of him doing housework, and I again could not help but feel how lucky I was to have him as a boyfriend. Jae, I called him. What? he said, without looking at me. He was rinsing the dishes now. Jaeee, I called again, wanting him to look at me. Whaaat, he replied, copying my prolonged vowel sounds. Jae, look at me, I told him. What do you want? Just tell me, he said, still concentrating on rinsing the dishes. Lee Jaewoong-ssi! I said, raising my voice. He placed the last dish on the rack, wiped his hands with the towel hanging over the oven door. What? he said as he started walking to the dining table. I smiled at him. He looked at me as though thinking I was acting strange, one corner of his lips rose slightly. I kept gazing at him, cradling my face with my hands. What? he asked again, leaning against the countertop. Dont stare at me. I really, really, reaaaaally like you.

Jaewoong just looked back at me, seemingly unimpressed and unmoved. How many dishes will I have to wash for that really, really, reaaaaally like you to become I love you? As I stood up from my chair and walked up to him, I smiled. It seemed like it was the only thing I could show him at the moment when all my brain cells were working in overdrive to think of how to say what I felt inside. This I knew for sure, this was the moment I was waiting for, the right moment to open what must have been the most important emotion in my heart. I wrapped my arms around his waist and rested my chin on his chest, looking up at him. The answer is zero You dont need to wash any more dishes to turn my like into love coz it already is. Jaewoongs eyes widened in disbelief. Are you saying you love me? Since when? Since you existed in my life, I said. So, I was right, he remarked. You really love me? I nodded, my chin slamming lightly on his chest. Im so in love with you right now, you have no idea. He raised a hand and brushed my overgrown bangs aside, tucking them behind my ear. Actually, I do have an idea, he said, his voice soft. I shook my head. No, Jae. I dont think you have any idea how much I love you. I cant even say the words very much because they dont encompass the enormous amount of love I feel for you. He had a satisfied smile on his face. And I thought I was the cheesy one. Im serious, Jae. Im not trying to be cheesy. Im just telling you the truth. Just how much do you love me? Maybe we can compare notes, he said jokingly. I bet my love beats your love. Oh yeah? I dont think so, I impugned. I think so. How much then? He paused for a moment and gazed into my eyes as he searched for his words. You know how really sick people, like cancer patients, suffer so much pain that there are times when theyd rather die than live? Uh-huh. Well, if I were a cancer patient, I would always fight to live no matter how much pain Id suffer just to have more time to love you even more. Youd make me want to live so much that youd make death lose its meaning and purpose, which is to end all suffering, because I know that without you, even in death Id suffer and die again. Youre so goddamn sexy, I said, unable to control my admiration for his exalting poetry. His words were intoxicating in a very pleasant way, probably the closest thing Id ever have to illegal drugs. Id always told him that he was cheesy, but the truth was, he was never cheesy. When it comes to his feelings, he never said anything awkward. There was never a long, unnatural soliloquy of emotions. Then, all this talk about cancer switched me to paranoid mode. Wait you dont have cancer, do you? No, he replied, looking momentarily lost in my question, I hope not.

Good, I said, coz I would die if you had cancer, and I would haunt you every day for letting me die from your cancer. Thats not very nice. I knew hed say this knowing his fear of the paranormal. Im not always nice, I remarked, especially if you make me die from sadness. Why all this talk about dying? God, I was having so much fun with the love talk. Sorry. I digress. That you do, he agreed. So, can you top my love metaphor? I dont know if I can top that that, I began, but I know that I love you so much that I feel like my heart is going to explode. Its Its atomic? I dont know I wanna say I love you atomically but then it wouldnt make sense because an atom is so small but my love for you is so big, but then again my heart is like an atomic bomb. And your existence, being with you, or just the thought of you, is that one button that detonates the bomb and my heart just explodes. I never imagined I would suck big time at this love metaphor thing. Jaewoong flinched. Thats not exactly a pretty sight to imagine, he said. I know. But I swear it sounded good in my head. I dont know how to re-word it to sound romantic, but I just know that I love you so much that no words can do my heart justice. Its okay, Bug. You dont have to explain your love to me Coz you know why? Why? In essence, true love is inexplicable. No words can explain it, but the heart of the receiving end understands it nevertheless. Always. He leaned in and kissed me lightly on my lips. Welcome to the club, he whispered with a knowing smile. God, why do you say the sexiest things? I asked Jaewoong, my gaze swimming in his. Sorry to disappoint you, but Im not God, he said and then half-laughed. And I dont think God say sexy things. I smacked his shoulder for making fun of me. He laughed some more. Then he enclosed me in his long arms, squeezing me tight in his embrace. He leaned over, his face on my head, mine almost at his collarbone. I felt him breathe me in. For a moment, we stood there just like that, chuckles gone, embarrassment forgotten. I feel so atomic right now, I said as I felt his breathing rise and fall against my cheek. I love you atomically, Jaewoong said, his arms tightening around me, making me feel small, like an atom, but very secure in his embrace. It doesnt make sense, does it? I asked, referring to the adverb that just so suddenly came to mind while trying to metaphor-ize my love for him. Maybe not for other people, but it makes sense to me. Maybe it will be our secret code, something that only the two of us know. That atom is our love and nobody can see it and understand its properties other than us.

I like that. The snow outside the window was falling torrentially now. It seemed colder outside, but here inside, in his embrace, I felt warmer. Slowly he pushed me off his chest so that now we were looking at each others eyes. There was no doubt now in my mind that he was the one I want to be with forever. It was the right time that I had been waiting for. I took a step back to take in a full view of him. My knees wobbled as I waited for the right second to voice out my feelings. I found myself holding onto his arms for support. Saranghae, Jaewoongah. My voice was so soft, this time more sincere. I wondered if he heard it. He gave me a soft smile and looked into my eyes, as if to swim in the emotions that I allowed myself to show. I guessed he heard. I felt myself starting to burn up, my world feeling like one giant baking oven. I almost wished hed joke about my confession and make fun of me, to break the ice, but instead, he caressed my face with his fingers and leaned closer so that now our foreheads touched. Saranghae. I didnt know who made the first move, but there we were, lips softly brushing, breath warm and quickening at each others touch. I felt us move, me stepping backward, and then the dead-of-winter cold on the window was pressed against my back and Jaewoongs body was pressed on me. Jaewoongs lips pressed harder against mine, his one hand slipping around my back, the other brushing my nape. His touch, his kisses weakened my whole being. I couldnt even bring myself to open my eyes and take a peek of the world around me at that very moment. I could hear the wind blowing, sending snowfalls sideways and pattering the windows in soft thuds. It was cold outside, no doubt about that, but I was safe inside the house, warmed by my own emotions and Jaewoongs arms. Just as the intensity of the heat in my body went up another notch, Jaewoong broke free. The sudden emptiness of my lips made me gasp. I opened my eyes, and I was greeted by the beauty of his face, his eyes smiling down at me, brown, beguiling, beautiful. I smiled back but with eyelids dropped down. I was chagrined, yes, but I also wanted to get more physical. Second base, third base, whatever. I just wanted him. Tonight, I seemed to be hard-wired to be one with him. And judging by the way he kissed me, I knew he also wanted me, as badly as I wanted him, if not more. I looked back up at him, lips slightly apart, quick breaths revealing the hunger I felt. He was still giving me the eye when I decided to hold his hand and lead us to my bedroom. We understood each other, mindful of our wants and needs. Jaewoong closed the door behind me. We stood by the door, me leaning against it, Jaewoong facing me with his arms against the door, on either side of me. It was dark but only before Jaewoong flicked a switch that turned on the fireplace. It gave the room a warm glow. We gazed at each others eyes , asking silent questions that we both knew the answers to. Our breathing quickened as the seconds ticked by, my heart beating louder against the hard walls of my chest. Jaewoong did not move, and I knew he threw the ball in my court. It must have taken every ounce of willpower for him to stop himself from kissing me again because I knew he wanted to. What do you want-- You, I breathed out. to do? Oh shit. Wrong answer. He cracked a smile at my quick reply. Then, as he circumscribed my face with his intense gaze, he pushed my stray hair and took a deep breath, letting it out in a shaky exhale, as though he was trying to bottle up something inside, stewing.

I want you, too, Bug So bad, he whispered and then briefly closed his eyes. When he opened them, he repeated, So bad. Holy shit. My world was suddenly thrust into a wildfire. I fixed my eyes in his, silently asking, Then what are you waiting for? He fixed his eyes back at me, unblinking as he searched deep into my tacit question. You call the shots, he whispered, breaking the momentary silence. His voice was low, soft and husky at the same time, so goddamn sexy. I swallowed hard. So the ball was really in my court. And I was left with no choice but to do something with it. With the power vested in me by Lee Jaewoong, I now pronounced him mine. Grabbing a fistful of his shirt, I pulled him closer, jump-starting whatever kind of ritual was looming over us. I took a deep breath in, my lips slightly parted with fervid anticipation, and before I could even breathe out, Jaewoongs lips rammed against mine, the sudden impact pushed me hard against the wall. He kissed me hard and deep, our lips locked in this intense emotional state, my hands gripping his biceps as I fought my knees from giving out. And as the heat in me spiked up to an unprecedented level, he drew my lower lip in and came up for air, like a tease. I opened my eyes in disbeliefhow could he stop now???fighting the urge to demand I wanted more. He gasped for air, breathing deeply, his forehead against my forehead. Bae Sunmi, what kind of spell did you put on me? he asked as he pulled away, his voice weak, his eyes giving me that its-all-your-fault look. What have you done? Feeling all powerful, I smiled at him. What have I done? I repeated back in a soft voice, slowly running my fingers through his hair, to the back of his head, and down to his nape. I tiptoed to meet his lips once again. He pulled me up more so that now our height differences were compensated, my arms around his neck. This time we kissed softly, gently, like it was our first time. He took one calculated step at a time toward the bed, carrying my weight with him. Once we reached the side of the bed, he let me stand on my feet, and our lips parted for a moment. Then he leaned down to kiss me again, one hand cupping the side of my neck, one hand caressing my back. I slipped my hands under his shirt, snaking my arms around his back, feeling the warmth of his skin and the tense of his muscles against my cool palms. With his one hand on my back, he pulled me closer, his other hand starting to explore other parts of my body, sliding down the length of my arm to the curve of my waist, and slowly back up, briefly brushing the crest of my bosom, sending a wave of pleasure throughout my body. Then as he temporarily rested his hand on my shoulder, he moved his lips to my jaw, nip-kissing his way down to the side of my neck, intermittently biting ever so lightly. I heard myself let out a stifled whimper, my head slightly tipped back, my fingers digging his flesh, trying to get a toehold lest I fall to the floor. Keeping my neck showered with his nip kisses, his fingers deftly unbuttoned my pajama top, and his other hand ventured down my back, resting it on the fleshy part of my bottom. My hands slid his shirt up. In no time, his toned, muscular body was exposed. He pulled my hips against him, and as our lower bodies converged, he let out a soft moan. I felt him. Firm. Turgid. Sunmi he whispered, breathing warm air unto my neck. It was one of those endearing name-utterance in moments of intimacy, no need of answering, no need of acknowledgement. My body was now partly exposed, my pajama top unbuttoned all the way down. His lips found their way back to my mouth, gently sucking my lower lip as his hands caressed my shoulders, pushing the pajama top off my body. It fell in silence to the floor, dismissed, and I shivered slightly as I felt my skin exposed. Jaewoong wrapped me in

his embrace, giving me warmth once more. Momentarily parting from my kiss, Jaewoong pulled the blanket down so that now the white sheets underneath were uncovered. Gently, he guided me down to the bed, his hands supporting my back, our feet under the blanket. He lay on his side, simultaneously turning me halfway to face him so that now, both of us were lying on our side, face to face. He stroked his hand on my arm, then on my back and then trained it down the length of my body, inch by inch heightening the heat in me. I love everything about you, he said, brushing the back of his hand on my face. I melt at his words. And I love everything about you, I wanted to say, but my words got stuck, along with my breath. He gave me one tender kiss before dipping his face down on my neck once again. I suppressed a moan as his lips touched my neck, his breath warm against my skin. What was it about my neck that he kept going back there? Was he aware that every time he kissed me there, he would spark goose bumps throughout my body? Like right now? He snaked his arm around me and trailed his hand in a circular motion down the length of my spine, passing the clasp of my bra, down to my tailbone. He snuck his hand under the band of my pajama bottom and underwear, cupping my behind in no time and squeezing it with desire, pulling me even closer. My breath was arrested for a moment before it became rapid again, resembling his. With my eyes still closed, I felt my pajama bottom slip off my body, exposing me even more. When I opened my eyes, Jaewoong leaned over and kissed me again, his hand was back exploring my upper body, running his fingers on my side, upward until it found my breast. Gently he gave it a squeeze and I gasped in his kiss. He slipped his hand under my bra so that now he was cupping me, skin to skin, stroking my sensitive nerve endings with his thumb. My body was about to spall off, trembling with desire in his embrace. With my eyes closed, I felt his hand slither to my back, groping to free the clasp of my bra. Then his kisses traveled south, passing my neck, down to the dip of my collarbone and then further down. He lingered on my cleavage for a moment, kissing, teasing my skin with the tip of his tongue, before his lips headed to the side, to my nowexposed bosom. Softly, he kissed around it, his lips gentle, slowly moving toward the crest, while his other hand fondled the other. He exhaled a warm, moist breath on me and my nerve endings reacted without delay, making me firm and protruded, aching for him to do more. Sensitive to the demands of my body, he closed his lips around my nipple, making me gasp, surprised at how intense it felt. He drew it in, nibbling lightly, sucking, and I struggled to keep myself afloat in this sea of acute rapture. He repeated this with my other breast until waves hit ashore. Jaewoong looked up. Are you okay? There was a knowing smile on his face. Huh? I said, delirious, still shuddering inside. I flushed. With the knowing smile still dancing on his lips and his gaze holding mine, he moved up, positioning himself on top of me, his upper body supported by his forearms. He gazed down at me for a moment, as though studying me, my facial expression, my breath. He leaned down and brushed his lips lightly against mine, teasing. I closed my eyes, a small smile played on my lips as I recalled the inexplicable feeling I had earlier. Do you want to stop now? he whispered. My eyes flew wide open in disbelief. Are you kidding me? I asked before I could stop myself. But really? Stop now when every cell of my body was aching to be one with him? He chuckled softly, still gazing at me. Are you sure you wanna do this? Yes, I said, my voice just a whisper, cloaked with longing, as I gazed back at his face. I fought the urge to kiss him hard and hold him tight with the possibility of not letting him go. I wanted him to be mine so bad. He reached a hand up to brush my hair to the side. Sunmi-yah, you know there are things in life you cant undo and this is one of them. He looked into my eyes, searching, measuring, gauging. I wanna know that youre not going to regret it. Im not, I said hurriedly. Im not gonna regret it. I wanna do this with you, Jae.

His eyes spoke volumes about how much he wanted me, and I knew I mirrored his desire, so what was stopping him? He closed his eyes. I knew he could stop this right now if I gave him the power to decide what to do next, and if he stopped when all I wanted was to go on, Id be left going crazy with desire. I had to do something to save myself from imploding. I reached down for the side of my underwear, lifting my bottom up so I could free myself from the last piece of clothing on my body. Jaewoong opened his eyes, his muscles tightening, never saying a word even when I dared to slide his boxers down. We were now both unclothed, covered halfway by the comforter, both stimulated beyond the point of no return. I knew Jaewoong wanted to do this as much as I wanted to because if he didnt, he wouldnt have led me to first base and second base and third base in the first place and he would have stopped me from taking off the last piece of clothing he had on. Maybe he just needed another reassurance that I was giving myself to him with full consent. I ran my fingers through his hair, lifting my head up to kiss him tenderly on his chin, on his lips, on his nose. Its okay, baby Im okay, I whispered in between kisses, shifting slightly so that my thighs brushed him purposefully. I love you I said, my gaze holding his as I placed my head back to the pillow, my hand caressing his face, so much. God, Sunmi, he breathed and buried his face on the side of my neck. Youre not gonna make me stop, are you? he muttered, his voice muffled, suppressed. Why do you want to stop? I asked, running my hand on his back. You dont have to stop. Yes, I do. But why? I asked, my voice whiny. Condom I brought some, I said. His eyes were wide with surprise. You prepared for this? Wait, did you plan this the whole time? So what if I did? I asked with a somewhat sharp tone. My shyness was temporarily gone, just like my clothes, and all I was left with was pure and naked honesty. Nothing I actually love the idea of you preparing for this. He reached for the bedside drawer and fumbled for a condom and ended up taking the whole box. Whoa, Bae Sunmi! How many times are you planning to do the deed? I covered my face, abashed. Why on earth did I buy a whole box? Did you bring some energy bars with you, too? he joked. He took my hands off my face and leaned down to kiss me. Im not trying to embarrass you or anything. But I am. Dont be, he said. He sat back to put on the condom. Then he positioned himself on top of me again. Im sure we wont waste them. His mouth so close to mine I could feel him breathe as he spoke. His voice was laced with such desirous intent. He kissed me hard once again before he shifted, reaching down to spread my legs apart, positioning himself in between. He was now against me and my fingers tensed into his arms. Are you okay? he asked. I dont know, I said. I realized I was holding my breath for too long. I was scared it was going to hurt. Id heard of people saying it hurt like hell. But then again, there were a number of women who said it only hurt a little bit for a moment, and the pain would just pass once your body gets used to that foreign feeling of him inside you. Do you want to stop? he asked, concerned eyes looking straight at me.

No, I said. I didnt want to stop. I loved him and I knew I was ready for this. I just couldnt get past the fact that it might hurt. Im just scared its going to hurt. Ill be gentle, and Ill do it really slow so it wont hurt as bad he assured me, if youre still up for it. I nodded. He guided himself so that his tip was snug against my opening. Can you relax a little? Youre too tight. How? I dont know how. I glanced down where our bodies converged. Is it possible that youre too big for me? I looked up at him. Can you make it a little smaller? Jaewoong broke into a half-laugh. Bug, I swear you say the most senseless things sometimes. I dont have any control over what size it wants to be. He laughed some more. You just have to relax a little. But I dont know how to relax, I said. I was relaxed earlier, but now I dont know. Lets try this, Jaewoong said and then reached a hand down there where he worked some kind of magic in the form of gentle strokes resulting in an intense build-up in my body. My mind was now too focused on this sweet, sweet sensation, it made me forget I was scared in the first place. I never wanted him as much as I wanted him now. Im relaxed now, Jae, I breathed out, somehow gasping. The desirous state I was in was going to kill me if he didnt take me now. The seconds seemed to drag as I waited with fervid anticipation. I love you, he said, kissing the side of my lips before he finally nudged himself inside me. There was pain, yes, like a small cut on my skin was pulled apart, and I mewled at that initial incisive discomfort, my eyes pressed shut. He was not even halfway inside me when he stilled. Shit! Did I hurt you? I opened my eyes and stared at him in awestruck wonder once the pain left and pleasure took over. Jaewoong-ah, what kind of magic spell is this? Does it hurt? he asked, his eyes clouded with concern. A little bit, I said. Actually, it hurt more than just a little bit, but the pain disappeared quickly, just a passing nuisance, now forgotten. Do you want me to stop? No, I quickly replied, smiling like an idiot. It was too good to give up. He smiled, knowing too well how much hes turning me on. He leaned down to kiss me on my lips before he slowly eased himself a little bit further into me. I was filled, and he breathed out a soft moan that was so sexy it made me more aroused than I already was. He paused for a moment, so I could get used to the feeling of having him in me and then gently, he eased himself in and out until his movement became a slow rhythm, over and over again. As minutes passed and the rhythm sped up, tension and pleasure started building up within me, my brain getting filled up with unrestrained fervor. With each push, I was propelled higher in this uncharted emotional state, my breathing rapid like his, gasping, like we were running out of air. He kissed me again, hard, without breaking speed, and I neared the highest point I could go. And when his thrusts became deeper with force, my muscles tightened, and I peaked. I cried out. Waves of intense spasm invaded my body, sharp pleasure unfolded, and I was immersed in this explosion of sweet sensation. My cries of pleasure and loud breathing melded into a panting sound I had never uttered before. I shuddered from the strong rush of pleasure that ran from my nerve endings and collected from my groin down to my knees. Every sensation I felt was inexplicable, foreign, mind-blowing. I trembled underneath Jaewoong and he stilled, moaning aloud from what must have been an exquisite sensation similar to what I felt. His eyes were closed for a moment, and when he opened them, he

collapsed on top of me, burying me in his weight. He was breathing hard, his energy consumed, his forehead moist with small beads of sweat. Planting a light kiss on my lips, he gently pulled out of me and slid to the side, leaving my legs shaking and me feeling empty. Gasping, we both strove to catch our breath and collect ourselves. For a moment, we lay still until our bodies settled and our minds came out of that exquisite frenzy. Then I turned to my side and pulled the comforter up to our necks as I felt the room start to become cool again. He pulled me closer to him so that now my back was pressed against his chest and his face buried on the back of my head. He had his hand over my hand and then kissed my nape, his lips moist, his breathing warm. Are you okay, Bae Sunmi-ssi? he asked. I could feel his lips skewing into a smile. Im more than okay, I said, blushing, and kissed the back of his thumb, my smile wide with satisfaction. How about you, Lee Jaewoong-ssi? How do you feel? I asked. I feel atomic, he replied, tightening his embrace around me as our bare legs entwine. Welcome to the club, I said, making him chuckle. I closed my eyes, a smile still dancing on my lips. Nothing in this world could be better than this. Nothing could make me more alive than being with him. We were now lying bare skin to bare skin under the comforter, wrapped in an embrace, settled in our own little world. We breathed in synchrony, each inhale followed by a soft exhale, a soothing lullaby that cast me to sleep with the promise of a beautiful tomorrow. As the clock changed numbers and the world turned to meet a new day and the rest of humanity moved around and about, searching for the meaning of their existence and the reason for their being, I lay here with satisfaction and gratitude, because I already found mine, who was now currently keeping me warm in his arms.