Interpersonal skills include not only how we communicate with others, but also our confidence and our

ability to listen and understand. Problem solving, decision making and personal stress management are also considered interpersonal skills. People with strong interpersonal skills are usually more successful in both their professional and personal lives. They are perceived as more calm, confident and charismatic - qualities that are often endearing or appealing to others. Being more aware of your interpersonal skills can help you improve and develop them. SkillsYouNeed provides an extensive library of articles to help you learn about and improve your interpersonal skills.

A list of Interpersonal Skills could include:

Listening Communication Stress Verbal Skills Skills Management Communication Decision Problem Non-Verbal Assertiveness Making Solving Communication
You already have interpersonal skills. We all learn how people are likely to react to what we say, how we say it and what we do, as well as how these actions make others, and us, feel. These skills are easily further developed with a little time and effort spent working, thinking and practising them. Remember it is worth spending time developing these skills as good interpersonal skills can improve many aspects of your life. Interpersonal skills are also sometimes referred to as social skills, people skills, soft skills or life skills, although these terms can be broader and may also refer to other skills.

Develop Your Interpersonal Skills

Tips for Improving Communication

There are a variety of skills that will help you to succeed in different areas of life and SkillsYouNeed has sections covering many of these. However, the foundation for many areas of our lives are good interpersonal skills since these are relevant to our personal relationships, social affairs and professional lives and are the basis on which we can develop other life skills. Unlike specialised and technical skills (hard skills), interpersonal skills (soft skills) will be used every day and in every area of our lives. Here, you can find out how to develop specific interpersonal skills including:

Learn to Listen
Listening is not the same as hearing. Take time to listen carefully to what others are saying through both their verbal and non-verbal communication. (More on Listening Skills)

Choose Your Words

Be aware of the words you are using when talking to others. Could you be misunderstood or confuse the issue? Practise clarity and learn to seek feedback to ensure your message has been understood. Encourage others to engage in communication use appropriate questioning to develop your understanding. (More on Verbal Communication, Questioning and Effective Speech)

Understand Why Communication Fails

By learning about the various barriers to good communication you can be aware of - and reduce the likelihood of - ineffective interpersonal communication. (See Barriers to Communication)

Relax
When we are nervous we tend to talk more quickly and therefore less clearly. Being tense is also evident in our body language and other non-verbal communication. Instead, try to stay calm, make eye contact and smile. Let your confidence shine. (Learn about Non-Verbal Communication, Personal Appearance and some top tips for Dealing with Stress also see our page on Coping with Presentation Nerves.)

Clarify

Show an interest in the people you talk to. Ask questions and seek clarification on any points that could be easily misunderstood. (See Reflection and Clarification)

Be Positive
Try to remain positive and cheerful. People are much more likely to be drawn to you if you can maintain a positive attitude. (More on Personal Presentation and Building Confidence)

Empathise
Understand that other people may have different points of view. Try to see things from their perspective. You may learn something while you gain the respect and trust of others. (More on Active Listening and read or article: What is Empathy?)

Understand Stress
Learn to recognise, manage and reduce stress in others and yourself. Although stress is not always bad it can have a detrimental effect on the communication process. Learning how to recognise and manage stress, in yourself and others, is an important interpersonal skill. (More about stress.)

Learn to be Assertive
You should aim to be neither passive nor aggressive. Being assertive is about expressing your feelings and beliefs in a way that others can understand and respect. Assertiveness is fundamental to successful negotiation. (Learn more about Assertiveness | Negotiation and Confidence)

Reflect and Improve

Think about previous conversations and other interpersonal interactions; learn from your mistakes and successes. Always keep a positive attitude but realise that we can all always improve our communication skills. (See our article on Improving Communications Skills)

Negotiate
Learn how to effectively negotiate with others paving the way to mutual respect, trust and lasting interpersonal relations. (Negotiation Skills)

Working in Groups

We often find ourselves in group situations, professionally and socially. Learn all about the different types of groups and teams in our article: What is a Group. Further articles about groups include: Group and Team Roles, Group Life Cycles, Building Group Cohesiveness and How to Recognise and Avoid Problem Behaviours in Groups.

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Interpersonal communication is the process by which people exchange information, feelings, and meaning through verbal and non-verbal messages: it is face-to-face communication. Interpersonal communication is not just about what is actually said - the language used but how it is said and the non-verbal messages sent through tone of voice, facial expressions, gestures and body language.

When two or more people are in the same place and are aware of each other's presence, then communication is taking place, no matter how subtle or unintentional. Without speech, an observer may be using cues of posture, facial expression, and dress to form an impression of the other's role, emotional state, personality and/or intentions. Although no communication may be intended, people receive messages through such forms of nonverbal behaviour.

Elements of Interpersonal Communication

See also: Listening Skills

Much research has been done to try to break down interpersonal communication into a number of elements in order that it can be more easily understood. Commonly these elements include:

The Communicators
For any communication to occur there must be at least two people involved. It is easy to think about communication involving a sender and a receiver of a message. However, the problem with this way of seeing a relationship is that it presents communication as a one-way process where one person sends the message and the other receives it.

In fact communications are almost always complex, two-way processes, with people sending and receiving messages to and from each other. In other words, communication is an interactive process.

The Message
Message not only means the speech used or information conveyed, but also the nonverbal messages exchanged such as facial expressions, tone of voice, gestures and body language. Non-verbal behaviour can convey additional information about the message spoken. In particular, it can reveal more about emotional attitudes which may underlie the content of speech.

Noise
Noise has a special meaning in communication theory. It refers to anything that distorts the message, so that what is received is different from what is intended by the speaker. Whilst physical 'noise' (for example, background sounds or a low-flying jet plane) can interfere with communication, other factors are considered to be noise. The use of complicated jargon, inappropriate body language,inattention, disinterest, and cultural differences can be considered 'noise' in the context of interpersonal communication. In other words, any distortions or inconsistencies that occur during an attempt to communicate can be seen as noise.

Feedback

Feedback consists of messages the receiver returns, which allows the sender to know how accurately the message has been received, as well as the receiver's reaction. The receiver may also respond to the unintentional message as well as the intentional message. Types of feedback range from direct verbal statements, for example "Say that again, I don't understand", to subtle facial expressions or changes in posture that might indicate to the sender that the receiver feels uncomfortable with the message. Feedback allows the sender to regulate, adapt or repeat the message in order to improve communication.

Context
All communication is influenced by the context in which it takes place. However, apart from looking at the situational context of where the interaction takes place, for example in a room, office, or perhaps outdoors, the social context also needs to be considered, for example the roles, responsibilities and relative status of the participants. The emotional climate and participants' expectations of the interaction will also affect the communication.

Channel
The channel refers to the physical means by which the message is transferred from one person to another. In face-to-face context the channels which are used are speech and vision, however during a telephone conversation the channel is limited to speech alone. (See Effective Speech)

When you have the opportunity to observe some interpersonal communication, make a mental note of the behaviours used, both verbal and non-verbal.

Observe and think about the following factors:

Who are the communicators? What messages were exchanged? What (if any) noise distorts the message?

How is feedback given? What is the context of the communication?

By observing others you will start to think about how you communicate and be more aware of the messages you send.

Uses of Interpersonal Communication

See also: Verbal Communication

Interpersonal communication can be used to:

Give and collect information. Influence the attitudes and behaviour of others. Form contacts and maintain relationships. Make sense of the world and our experiences in it. Express personal needs and understand the needs of others. Give and receive emotional support. Make decisions and solve problems. Anticipate and predict behaviour. Regulate power.

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Listening is the ability to accurately receive messages in the communication process. Listening is key to all effective communication, without the ability to listen effectively messages are easily misunderstood communication breaks down and the sender of the message can easily become frustrated or irritated. Listening is so important that many top employers give regular listening skills training for their employees. This is not surprising when you consider that good listening skills can lead to: better customer satisfaction, greater productivity with fewer mistakes, increased sharing of information that in turn can lead to more creative and innovative work. Good listening skills also have benefits in our personal lives, including: a greater number of friends and social networks, improved self-esteem and confidence, higher grades in academic work and increased health and wellbeing. Studies have shown that, whereas speaking raises blood pressure, listening brings it down.

Listening is not the same as hearing. Hearing refers to the sounds that you hear, whereas listening requires more than that: it requires focus. Listening means paying attention not only to the story, but how it is told, the use of language and voice, and how the other person uses his or her body. In other words, it means being aware of both verbal and non-verbal messages. Your ability to listen effectively depends on the degree to which you perceive and understand these messages. The most basic and powerful way to connect to another person is to listen. Just listen. Perhaps the most important thing we ever give each other is our attention. Rachel Naomi Remen

We spend a lot of our time listening

Adults spend an average of 70% of their time engaged in some sort of communication, of this an average of 45% is spent listening compared to 30% speaking, 16% reading and 9% writing. (Adler, R. et al. 2001).

Based on the research of: Adler, R., Rosenfeld, L. and Proctor, R. (2001) Interplay: the process of interpersonal communicating (8th edn), Fort Worth, TX: Harcourt.

10 Principles of Listening
See also: Verbal Communication A good listener will listen not only to what is being said, but also to what is left unsaid or only partially said. Listening involves observing body language and noticing inconsistencies between verbal and non-verbal messages. For example, if someone tells you that they are happy with their life but through gritted teeth or with tears filling their eyes, you should consider that the verbal and nonverbal messages are in conflict, they maybe don't mean what they say. Listening requires you to concentrate and use your other senses in addition to simply hearing the words spoken.

Listening is not the same as hearing and in order to listen effectively you need to use more than just your ears.

1. Stop Talking

If we were supposed to talk more than we listen, we would have two tongues and one ear. Mark Twain. Don't talk, listen. When somebody else is talking listen to what they are saying, do not interrupt, talk over them or finish their sentences for them. Stop, just listen. When the other person has finished talking you may need to clarify to ensure you have received their message accurately.

2. Prepare Yourself to Listen

Relax. Focus on the speaker. Put other things out of mind. The human mind is easily distracted by other thoughts whats for lunch, what time do I need to leave to catch my train, is it going to rain try to put other thoughts out of mind and concentrate on the messages that are being communicated.

3. Put the Speaker at Ease

Help the speaker to feel free to speak. Remember their needs and concerns. Nod or use other gestures or words to encourage them to continue. Maintain eye contact but dont stare show you are listening and understanding what is being said.

4. Remove Distractions
Focus on what is being said: dont doodle, shuffle papers, look out the window, pick your fingernails or similar. Avoid unnecessary interruptions. These behaviours disrupt the listening process and send messages to the speaker that you are bored or distracted.

5. Empathise
Try to understand the other persons point of view. Look at issues from their perspective. Let go of preconceived ideas. By having an open mind we can more fully empathise with the speaker. If the speaker says something that you disagree with then wait and construct an argument to counter what is said but keep an open mind to the views and opinions of others. (See our page: What is Empathy?)

6. Be Patient

A pause, even a long pause, does not necessarily mean that the speaker has finished. Be patient and let the speaker continue in their own time, sometimes it takes time to formulate what to say and how to say it. Never interrupt or finish a sentence for someone.

7. Avoid Personal Prejudice

Try to be impartial. Don't become irritated and don't let the persons habits or mannerisms distract you from what they are really saying. Everybody has a different way of speaking - some people are for example more nervous or shy than others, some have regional accents or make excessive arm movements, some people like to pace whilst talking - others like to sit still. Focus on what is being said and try to ignore styles of delivery.

8. Listen to the Tone

Volume and tone both add to what someone is saying. A good speaker will use both volume and tone to their advantage to keep an audience attentive; everybody will use pitch, tone and volume of voice in certain situations let these help you to understand the emphasis of what is being said. (See our page on Effective Speaking for more)

9. Listen for Ideas Not Just Words

You need to get the whole picture, not just isolated bits and pieces. Maybe one of the most difficult aspects of listening is the ability to link together pieces of information to reveal the ideas of others. With proper concentration, letting go of distractions, and focus this becomes easier.

10. Wait and Watch for Non-Verbal Communication

Gestures, facial expressions, and eye-movements can all be important. We dont just listen with our ears but also with our eyes watch and pick up the additional information being transmitted via non-verbal communication. (See our page on non-verbal communication) Do not jump to conclusions about what you see and hear. You should always seek clarification to ensure that your understanding is correct.

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Active listening is a skill that can be acquired and developed with practice. However, this skill can be difficult to master and will, therefore, take time and patience. 'Active listening' means, as its name suggests, actively listening, that is fully concentrating on what is being said rather than just hearing the message of the speaker. Active listening involves listening with all senses. As well as giving full attention to the speaker, it is important that the active listener is also seen to be listening to them otherwise the speaker may conclude that what they are talking about is uninteresting to the listener. Interest can be conveyed to the speaker by using both verbal and non-verbal messages such as maintaining eye contact, nodding your head and smiling, agreeing by saying Yes or simply Mmm hmm to encourage them to continue. By providing this 'feedback' the person speaking will usually feel more at ease and therefore communicate more easily, openly and honestly. Listening is the most fundamental component of interpersonal communication skills. Listening is not something that just happens (that is hearing), listening is an active process in which a conscious decision is made to listen to and understand the messages of the speaker. Listeners should remain neutral and non-judgmental, this means trying not to take sides or form opinions, especially early in the conversation. Active listening is also about patience - pauses and short periods of silence should be accepted. Listeners should not be tempted to jump in with questions or comments every time there are a few seconds of silence. Active listening involves giving the other person time to explore their thoughts and feelings, they should, therefore, be given adequate time for that. Active listening not only means focusing fully on the speaker but also actively showing verbal and non-verbal signs of listening. Generally speakers want listeners to demonstrate

active listening by responding appropriately to what they are saying. Appropriate responses to listening can be both verbal and non-verbal:

Signs of Active Listening

See also: Ineffective Listening

Non-verbal signs of attentive or active listening

This is a generic list of non-verbal signs of listening, in other words people who are listening are more likely to display at least some of these signs. However these signs may not be appropriate in all situations and across all cultures.

Smile
Small smiles can be used to show that the listener is paying attention to what is being said or as a way of agreeing or being happy about the messages being received. Combined with nods of the head, smiles can be powerful in affirming that messages are being listened to and understood.

Eye Contact
It is normal and usually encouraging for the listener to look at the speaker. Eye contact can however be intimidating, especially for more shy speakers gauge how much eye contact is appropriate for any given situation. Combine eye contact with smiles and other non-verbal messages to encourage the speaker.

Posture
Posture can tell a lot about the sender and receiver in interpersonal interactions. The attentive listener tends to lean slightly forward or sideways whilst sitting. Other signs of active listening may include a slight slant of the head or resting the head on one hand.

Mirroring

Automatic reflection/mirroring of any facial expressions used by the speaker can be a sign of attentive listening. These reflective expressions can help to show sympathy and empathy in more emotional situations. Attempting to consciously mimic facial expressions (i.e. not automatic reflection of expressions) can be a sign of inattention.

Distraction
The active listener will not be distracted and therefore will refrain from fidgeting, looking at a clock or watch, doodling, playing with their hair or picking their fingernails.

Learn more about non-verbal communication. Be aware that: it is perfectly possible to learn and mimic these non-verbal signs of active listening and not actually be listening at all. It is more difficult to mimic verbal signs of listening and comprehension.

Verbal signs of attentive or active listening

Positive Reinforcement
Although a strong signal of attentiveness, caution should be used when using positive verbal reinforcement. Although some positive words of encouragement may be beneficial to the speaker the listener should use them sparingly so as not to distract from what is being said or place unnecessary emphasis on parts of the message. Indeed casual and frequent use of very good, yes or indeed can become irritating to the speaker. It is usually better to elaborate and explain why you are agreeing with a certain point.

Remembering
The human mind is notoriously bad at remembering details, especially for any length of time. However, remembering a few key points, or even the name of the speaker, can help to reinforce that the messages sent have been received and understood i.e. listening has been successful. Remembering details, ideas and concepts from previous conversations proves that attention was kept and is likely to encourage the speaker to continue. During longer exchanges

it may be appropriate to make very brief notes to act as a memory jog when questioning or clarifying later. (See more on Questioning and Clarifying)

Questioning
The listener can demonstrate that they have been paying attention by asking relevant questions and/or making statements that build or help to clarify what the speaker has said. By asking relevant questions the listener also helps to reinforce that they have an interest in what the speaker has been saying. (See our pages on Questioning and Types of Question)

Reflection
Reflecting is closely repeating or paraphrasing what the speaker has said in order to show comprehension. Reflection is a powerful skill that can reinforce the message of the speaker and demonstrate understanding. (See our page on Reflection Techniques)

Clarification
Clarifying involves asking questions of the speaker to ensure that the correct message has been received. Clarification usually involves the use of open questions which enables the speaker to expand on certain points as necessary. (See our page on Clarification)

Summarisation
Repeating a summary of what has been said back to the speaker is a technique used by the listener to repeat what has been said in their own words. Summarising involves taking the main points of the received message and reiterating them in a logical and clear way, giving the speaker chance to correct if necessary.

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Ineffective listening
It is common, when listening to someone else speak, to be formulating a reply while the other person is still talking. However, this means that we are not really listening to all that is being said. Even good listeners are often guilty of critically evaluating what is being said before fully understanding the message that the speaker is trying to communicate. The result is that assumptions are made and conclusions reached about the speaker's meaning that might be inaccurate. This type of ineffective listening is not good and can lead to misunderstandings. Even if we are not formulating a response whilst listening, we may still be thinking of other things albeit subconsciously. During a conversation how often have thoughts such as "What am I going to have for my dinner", "Will I have time to finish that report?" or "I hope I am not late picking the kids up" crossed your mind? At such times, we are distracted and not giving our full attention to what is being said. In other words we are not actively listening to the speaker. We can easily pick up bad habits when it comes to listening - this page looks at some of these bad habits so that they can be addressed and corrected. Listening is a key interpersonal skill and a prerequisite to many other communication skills by learning to listen more effectively you can improve the quality of your professional and personal life.

Barriers to Listening
There are many things that get in the way of listening and you should be aware of these blocks in order to become a more effective listener. Barriers can include:

Trying to listen to more than one conversation at a time, this includes having the television or radio on while attempting to listen. Being on the phone to one person and talking to another person in the same room and also being distracted by some dominant noise in the immediate environment.

You find the communicator attractive/unattractive and you pay more attention to how you feel about them than to what they are saying.

You are not interested in the topic/issue being discussed and become bored. Not focusing; being easily distracted. Feeling unwell or tired, hungry, thirsty or needing to use the toilet. Identifying rather than empathising. Understanding what you are hearing but not putting yourself in the shoes of the speaker. (See our article What is Empathy)

Sympathising rather than empathising. Sympathy is not the same as empathy, you sympathise when you feel sorry for the experiences of another, to empathise is to put yourself in the position of the other person.

You are prejudiced or biased by race, gender, age, religion, accent, etc. You have preconceived ideas or bias. Effective listening includes being open-minded to the ideas and opinions of others, this does not mean you have to agree but should listen and attempt to understand.

You make judgements. This person is not very bright or under qualified so there is no point listening to what they have to say.

Previous experiences we are all influenced by previous experiences in life. We respond to people based on personal appearances, welcomes and/or previous interpersonal encounters. If we stereotype a person we become less objective and therefore less likely to listen effectively.

Non-verbal Signs of Ineffective Listening

See also: Non-verbal Communication

Although with all non-verbal signals a certain amount of error has to be expected, generally signs of inattention while listening include:

Lack of eye contact with the speaker listeners who are engaged with the speaker tend to give eye contact. Lack of eye contact can, however, also be a sign of shyness.

An inappropriate posture - slouched, leaning back or swinging on a chair, leaning forward onto a desk or table and/or a constantly shifting posture. People who are paying attention tend to lean slightly towards the speaker.

Being distracted - fidgeting, doodling, looking at a watch, yawning. Inappropriate expressions and lack of head nods - often when a listener is engaged with a speaker they nod their head, this is usually an almost subconscious way of encouraging the speaker and showing attention. Lack of head nods can mean the opposite listening is not happening. The same can be true of facial expressions, attentive listeners use smiles as feedback mechanisms and to show attention.

Further Signs of Ineffective Listening

Other common traits of ineffective listening include:

Sudden Changes in Topic: When the listener is distracted they may suddenly think about something else that is not related to the topic of the speaker and attempt to change the conversation to their new topic. Selective Listening: This occurs when the listener thinks they have heard the main points or have got the gist of what the speaker wants to say. They filter out what they perceive as being of key importance and then stop listening or become distracted. Daydreaming: Daydreaming can occur when the listener hears something that sets off a chain of unrelated thoughts in their head they become distracted by their own world and adopt a far-away look. Advising: Some people want to jump in early in a conversation and start to offer advice before they fully understand the problem or concerns of the speaker.

Ineffective listening is very common you can probably think of examples when you have listened ineffectively or not been listened to over the last 24 hours. You can probably recognise the frustration and irritation when you know the person you are talking to is not listening to you. As listening is so fundamental to the communication processes it is important to try to avoid ineffective listening.

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Personal presentation

Organisations spend a lot of time and money working on their image, developing their brand and producing as many positive signals as possible. Staff in organisations should know that everything they do is marketing for the organisation, every email they send, every phone call they take, every time they interact with a client or customer. Organisations also spend a lot of time and money recruiting and training the right kind of people to project the right kind of image.

Personal presentation is all about marketing YOU, the brand that is you. What others see you do and hear you say will influence their opinion of you so personal presentation is about painting yourself in as positive a light as possible always. This section of SkillsYouNeed is designed to help you gain more confidence and expertise in presenting yourself positively. Although personal presentation is key in one-to-one situations such as an interview, in a group situation such as a meeting, or when giving a presentation such

as a talk or speech it is also important in less formal situations. How people perceive you is important to communication and you should always aim to be viewed as positively and confidently as possible. People who present themselves as confident will be perceived as such by others. Your appearance and understanding of personal presentation techniques such as effective speaking and positive body language will enhance your communication skills and raise your confidence.

What is Personal Presentation?

Also see Effective Communication

Personal presentation is about you and how you present yourself in everyday situations. However, personal presentation always involves at least two people - the person presenting themselves (you) and the person receiving the presentation. It can therefore be described as an interaction. Personal presentation is concerned with conveying appropriate signals for the situation and for the other individuals involved. Many people who lack self-confidence fail to convey their message or their skills and abilities because of the way they present themselves. By improving your personal presentation you improve your communication skills and reduce barriers to understanding. Everybody presents themselves differently and most can improve their personal presentation. Personal presentation is about learning about yourself, being inner-directed and accepting of who you are, your positives and your negatives, and being comfortable with yourself. Personal presentation is not about being self-conscious or overly concerned with what others think about you.

The three main areas of personal presentation are:

Effective Speaking:

Your voice says a lot about you and learning how to use it more effectively has many benefits. Our effective speaking page examines aspects of your voice, accent, tone, pitch, volume and encourages you to learn more about your voice and how you use it to its full potential. Learn to communicate more dynamically, fluently and with passion and enthusiasm. See our Effective Speaking page.

Personal Appearance:
The way you dress and take care of your general appearance are important factors in personal presentation, what messages does the way you dress send to others? Your personal appearance also includes the body language, gestures and other non-verbal messages that you use. By being aware of positive and negative non-verbal signals you can improve your image and the way people perceive you. See our Personal Appearance page.

Confidence and Personality:

Personal confidence is not a static thing; confidence varies based on numerous factors, different situations and the presence of different people, personal stress levels and change. Explore your confidence and learn about its highs and lows, find ways of appearing confident even when you are not. Learn some powerful techniques to boost your confidence and learn about your personality. See our Building Confidence page. Aspects of self-confidence in personal presentation can be learned through practice, good preparation and an understanding of the control of the voice along with the personal visual images you send through body language. By utilising simple techniques such as controlled breathing and the use of positive body language, nerves and tension can be reduced. This in turn leads to feelings of increased self-confidence, especially in more formal situations, culminating in greater ease of communication.

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Personal appearance
Appearance is an often disregarded part of communication and presentation skills. When you are speaking in public you may be representing your organisation or just yourself, but it is still you in the front line. It is you the other person, group or audience sees and before you have time to open your mouth and give an account of yourself, certain assumptions, both consciously and subconsciously, have been made. First impressions are very important - they can be about attitude as well as dress. Visual impact is at least as important as verbal impact, people will very quickly make assumptions based on your facial expressions, the clothes you wear, how well groomed you are and your body language.

Facial Expressions
Little can be done to alter your face but a lot can be done about the expression that is on it. However the day started and whatever minor crisis has occurred along the way, people have not come to meet you with a dark expression on your face. It is your duty to yourself as well as to the organisation that you represent that you convey a calm, friendly and professional exterior, despite how you may feel inside. Smile and appear optimistic.

Personal Image: The reflection that stares back at you from a mirror is not necessarily a true likeness of the face known to family, friends and colleagues, because they will see you offguard, in repose, concentrating on a task or listening to them. How many people can honestly admit to looking in a mirror without altering their expression? It is quite natural to play to a

mirror possibly by raising an eyebrow, pulling a face or smiling at the reflection. This is why people often feel self-conscious when they see a bad photograph of themselves. The Real You: It is human nature to make compromises. All individuals change their approach depending on the people they meet and what they feel is expected from them. Your 'on-duty' self, the one who functions in public, is different from your 'off-duty' self, the one concerned with home, family and friends. Everyone has many and varied roles in life. You can be one person and be a parent, son/daughter, brother/sister, friend, adviser, patient, client and consumer all in one day. These differing roles all require their own particular qualities and skills in personal communication and can also call upon different requirements of attitude and appearance, i.e., of visual image. Your external image (appearance) is how you are seen by the world, whereas the real you (not a role model or the person you would like to be) is someone who is honest with themselves.

Clothes and Grooming

What sort of external image is appropriate to the organisation you represent? Only you can answer this question. Due to the nature of the work, some organisations are happy for people to be casually dressed, while others may expect smarter attire. It is important to be suitably dressed within expected limits. Nobody expects you to be packaged into something you are not, but your appearance is a reflection of your own self-esteem and you should aim to present yourself to your best possible advantage. Whilst you might be casually dressed when working within your organisation, a more formal approach may well be preferable when representing your organisation at an external meeting. Good grooming and a tidy appearance is preferable, whether casually or more formally dressed.

Body Language
See our page on Non-Verbal Communication

Understanding body language is one of the most important aspects of personal presentation. The image conveyed by the physical self should support and enhance what is being

communicated verbally. If the visual image differs widely from the spoken message, it is often the non-verbal account that is believed.

The way you sit, stand, your gestures and mannerisms and your facial expressions will say far more about you and how you are feeling at any given time than the words you are using. When individuals are nervous or uneasy, their behavioural 'bad habits' become more pronounced. Awareness of your body language, of how you behave under pressure, what signals you are unconsciously giving, how nerves and stress affect you physically, can help you understand how you 'come across' to others. It can also explain how the wrong impression is sometimes given and how confusion can occur. Working on body language is a way of improving personal presentation. For example, when concentrating on something rather hard, your expression may look troubled, when in reality you are not anxious at all, merely absorbed. This does not mean you should go around with a fixed smile on your face, but just be aware that your physical self might send one set of signals when your mind is involved elsewhere.

Body language can also be used as a mask to convey contrary feelings. How often have you nodded firmly when you did not understand a word, smiled when your instinct was to scowl, clapped enthusiastically at the end of a talk that nearly put you to sleep? In these cases you were not being hypocritical, but using body language positively as the mechanism of good manners.

The gestures of individuals are part of their personalities, a part of how they express themselves. Hand and arm movements can add emphasis, aid explanation and convey enthusiasm. They only become a negative signal when repeated so often that they become irritating to the observer. Listeners can become so side-tracked by the sight of someone constantly playing with his/her hair, tapping on the table with a pen, etc., that they no longer

listen to the spoken word. Thus the negative signal has broken down the chain of communication.

Positive Body Language: Positive body language includes:

Maintaining eye contact with the person to whom you are speaking. Smiling (if appropriate) but especially as a greeting and when parting. Sitting squarely on a chair, leaning slightly forward (this indicates you are paying attention). Nodding in agreement. A firm handshake. Presenting a calm exterior. Looking interested.

Negative Body Language: Negative body language includes:

Not looking at a person when speaking. Tapping a foot, fingers etc. Rocking backwards and forwards. Scratching. Continually clearing your throat. Fiddling with hair, ear lobes, jewellery, jacket, spectacles, etc. Picking at fingers or nails. Yawning. Repeatedly looking at wristwatch. Standing too close to others. Inattention to a person speaking.

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Building confidence
Confidence is not something that can be learned like a set of rules; however, it can be improved with positive thought. Confidence comes from feelings of well-being, belief in your own ability, skills and experience. It can be eroded by fear and this is particularly applicable when speaking in public. Sometimes individuals can be asked to help a colleague or please a friend by taking on a role that, had they the time to think about it, they would have refused. Suddenly, they find themselves doing the very thing that earlier would have seemed impossible. What is more, they are doing it well. The boost to the morale is amazing and immediately confidence grows. The lesson is to try. Individual confidence varies from situation to situation, day to day, hour to hour. Some people feel relaxed and positive with friends and colleagues, but uneasy and shy with strangers. Others may feel totally in command of themselves at work but diffident socially (or vice versa). All people are different. Some are naturally positive and optimistic, maintaining equilibrium when faced with constant difficulties, while others are less so. Gaining confidence to 'function in public' with ease, depends on the base of individual experience. Preparation is important - knowing your information and what you want to say. The first hurdle is to face up to the anxieties and not walk away from them. Blocking out or refusing to think about fears may allow them to be in control. Even the seemingly most confident people may feel insecure deep down. To feel nervous is not necessarily a bad thing. Actors, singers and those who work in the media can be all but paralysed with nerves before a performance, but as soon as the moment of action comes, their

control and technique takes over. It can be the same for everyone if properly prepared. A trick is not to let nerves show, to appear confident however you feel inside, to learn to channel the nervous energy positively. Once you are in control, the fear will subside.

Promoting Confidence
Learn about Charisma

The following are ways of promoting confidence in yourself: Gain Control of Yourself: Do not be critical of yourself to others. Whilst it can be useful to confide your concerns to someone you trust, telling the world is something else. Be kind to yourself. Make a list of your good qualities and believe them, believe in yourself. Do not be a Complainer: Everyone has problems, so why should yours be greater than others? By being negative you cut yourself off from solutions and people will lose patience with you. Learn to Relax: Allow time for yourself each day. This may only be a few minutes, but it is important to be quiet and to unwind. Boost your own Morale: Allow yourself a treat from time to time, especially if you have overcome a hurdle in personal presentation, particularly after your first formal talk or after a successful meeting. It does not have to be expensive - a cup of coffee at a pleasant place, or some other treat. Congratulate yourself on a job/task well done and perhaps tell a friend. Do not always be the one to give out praise, you need some too. Justified praise is a good boost to morale. Preparation and Practice enable Performance and Personality Positive Power: Learn to channel nerves and tension positively. When an individual is nervous, adrenalin is pumped through the body and he/she feels more keyed up and alert. This extra energy can be used to good effect, acting as an enabler to communicate with greater

enthusiasm and intensity. Everyone has greater confidence if well prepared and rehearsed for whatever the situation, whether it be an interview, meeting or more formal talk. When confident, personality can function freely and not be inhibited by fears and tension. While the visual image adds impact, confident effective speaking is another key to positive effective personal presentation.

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What is Interpersonal Communication?

Interpersonal communication is the process by which people exchange information, feelings, and meaning through verbal and non-verbal messages: it is face-to-face communication. Interpersonal communication is not just about what is actually said - the language used but how it is said and the non-verbal messages sent through tone of voice, facial expressions, gestures and body language.

When two or more people are in the same place and are aware of each other's presence, then communication is taking place, no matter how subtle or unintentional. Without speech, an observer may be using cues of posture, facial expression, and dress to form an impression of the other's role, emotional state, personality and/or intentions. Although no communication may be intended, people receive messages through such forms of nonverbal behaviour.

Elements of Interpersonal Communication

See also: Listening Skills

Much research has been done to try to break down interpersonal communication into a number of elements in order that it can be more easily understood. Commonly these elements include:

The Communicators
For any communication to occur there must be at least two people involved. It is easy to think about communication involving a sender and a receiver of a message. However, the problem with this way of seeing a relationship is that it presents communication as a one-way process where one person sends the message and the other receives it.

In fact communications are almost always complex, two-way processes, with people sending and receiving messages to and from each other. In other words, communication is an interactive process.

The Message
Message not only means the speech used or information conveyed, but also the nonverbal messages exchanged such as facial expressions, tone of voice, gestures and body language. Non-verbal behaviour can convey additional information about the message spoken. In particular, it can reveal more about emotional attitudes which may underlie the content of speech.

Noise
Noise has a special meaning in communication theory. It refers to anything that distorts the message, so that what is received is different from what is intended by the speaker. Whilst physical 'noise' (for example, background sounds or a low-flying jet plane) can interfere with communication, other factors are considered to be noise. The use of complicated jargon, inappropriate body language,inattention, disinterest, and cultural differences can be considered 'noise' in the context of interpersonal communication. In other words, any distortions or inconsistencies that occur during an attempt to communicate can be seen as noise.

Feedback
Feedback consists of messages the receiver returns, which allows the sender to know how accurately the message has been received, as well as the receiver's reaction. The receiver may also respond to the unintentional message as well as the intentional message. Types of feedback range from direct verbal statements, for example "Say that again, I don't understand", to subtle facial expressions or changes in posture that might indicate to the sender that the receiver feels uncomfortable with the message. Feedback allows the sender to regulate, adapt or repeat the message in order to improve communication.

Context
All communication is influenced by the context in which it takes place. However, apart from looking at the situational context of where the interaction takes place, for example in a room, office, or perhaps outdoors, the social context also needs to be considered, for example the roles, responsibilities and relative status of the participants. The emotional climate and participants' expectations of the interaction will also affect the communication.

Channel
The channel refers to the physical means by which the message is transferred from one person to another. In face-to-face context the channels which are used are speech and vision, however during a telephone conversation the channel is limited to speech alone. (See Effective Speech)

When you have the opportunity to observe some interpersonal communication, make a mental note of the behaviours used, both verbal and non-verbal.

Observe and think about the following factors:

Who are the communicators? What messages were exchanged? What (if any) noise distorts the message?

How is feedback given? What is the context of the communication?

By observing others you will start to think about how you communicate and be more aware of the messages you send.

Uses of Interpersonal Communication

See also: Verbal Communication

Interpersonal communication can be used to:

Give and collect information. Influence the attitudes and behaviour of others. Form contacts and maintain relationships. Make sense of the world and our experiences in it. Express personal needs and understand the needs of others. Give and receive emotional support. Make decisions and solve problems. Anticipate and predict behaviour. Regulate power.

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Quick Links

How do you develop your interpersonal skills? Explore and click on the related skills below:

Leadership
The process of successfully influencing the activities of a group towards the achievement of a common goal. A leader has the ability to influence others through qualities such as personal charisma, expertise, command of language, and the creation of mutual respect. As well as requiring strong Communication Skills and Personal Skills, leadership uses the Background skills of mentoring, decision making, delegation and motivating others.

Back to top

Networking
The ability to actively seek, identify and create effective contacts with others, and to maintain those contacts for mutual benefit. In addition to strong Communication Skills and Personal Skills, Networking uses the Background skills of network building and motivating others.

Back to top

Teamwork
Involves working with others in a group towards a common goal. This requires cooperating with others, being responsive to others' ideas, taking a collaborative approach to learning, and taking a responsibility for developing and achieving group goals. Teamwork uses the Background skills ofcollaboration, mentoring, decision making and delegation.

Back to top

Background Skills
Mentoring is: Being a trusted advisor and helper with experience in a particular field. Actively supporting and guiding someone to develop knowledge and experience, or to achieve career or personal goals (for example, a third-year student mentoring a first year student, helping to adjust to the university experience). A mentoring relationship may be formal or informal, but must involve trust, mutual respect, and commitment as both parties work together to achieve a goal (for example, mentoring a younger member of a team to achieve better performance in the lead-up to a sporting event).

Back to top Group work is:

any activity in which students work together; any activity which has been specifically designed so that students work in pairs or groups, and may be assessed as a group (referred to as formal group work); or when students come together naturally to help each other with their work (referred to as informal group work). peer group activity in lab classes, tutorials etc

Back to top Decision making is: Identifying appropriate evidence and weighing up that evidence to make a choice (for example, gathering and assessing information to find the best way to perform an experiment). Taking responsibility for a decision and its outcomes (for example, choosing a topic for a group presentation from a number of suggestions). Back to top Delegation is: Taking responsibility for determining when to ask someone else to make a decision or carry out a task (for example, figuring out what is a fair distribution of the workload in a group project, and sharing responsibility with others). Distributing responsibility and authority in a group by giving someone else the discretion to make decisions that you have the authority to make (for example, as the chosen leader of a lab experiment team, you could assign tasks and decisions to different group members). Back to top Collaboration is: Working cooperatively and productively with other team members to contribute to the outcomes of the team's work (for example, dividing the workload and sharing the results of your own work with others in the group, or assisting members of the group who are having difficulty completing

their tasks). Back to top Network building is: Creating contacts with other people and maintaining those contacts (for example, meeting someone at a seminar with similar interests, and swapping email addresses with them). Acquiring and maintaining information about people who might be useful contacts for specific purposes (for example, seeking out people established in an industry you hope to work with one day). Using a contact in an ethical manner to help each of you meet specific goals, (for example, collaborating on projects of importance to both of you). Back to top Motivating others is: Generating enthusiasm and energy by being positive, focussing on finding solutions and maintaining a positive attitude even when things are not going well (for example, when something goes wrong, asking "What can we try now?" instead of saying, "That should have worked better."). Encouraging others to come up with solutions, listening carefully to their ideas and offering constructive feedback (for example, gathering suggestions for a group project, and giving each person's ideas fair discussion). Being prepared to support others in taking agreed, calculated risks, and not blaming others when things go wrong (for example, one group member's portion of a presentation receives a poor mark - make sure that this student isn't blamed by the group, and focus on learning from the mistakes).

Quick Links

How do you develop your interpersonal skills?

Explore and click on the related skills below:

Leadership The process of successfully influencing the activities of a group towards the achievement of a common goal. A leader has the ability to influence others through qualities such as personal charisma, expertise, command of language, and the creation of mutual respect. As well as requiring strong Communication Skills and Personal Skills, leadership uses the Background skills of mentoring, decision making, delegation and motivating others. Back to top Networking The ability to actively seek, identify and create effective contacts with others, and to maintain

those contacts for mutual benefit. In addition to strong Communication Skills and Personal Skills, Networking uses the Background skills of network building and motivating others.

Back to top Teamwork Involves working with others in a group towards a common goal. This requires cooperating with others, being responsive to others' ideas, taking a collaborative approach to learning, and taking a responsibility for developing and achieving group goals. Teamwork uses the Background skills ofcollaboration, mentoring, decision making and delegation.

Back to top Background Skills Mentoring is: Being a trusted advisor and helper with experience in a particular field. Actively supporting and guiding someone to develop knowledge and experience, or to achieve career or personal goals (for example, a third-year student mentoring a first year student, helping to adjust to the university experience). A mentoring relationship may be formal or informal, but must involve trust, mutual respect, and commitment as both parties work together to achieve a goal (for example, mentoring a younger member of a team to achieve better performance in the lead-up to a sporting event).

Back to top

Group work is:

any activity in which students work together; any activity which has been specifically designed so that students work in pairs or groups, and may be assessed as a group (referred to as formal group work); or when students come together naturally to help each other with their work (referred to as informal group work). peer group activity in lab classes, tutorials etc

Back to top

Decision making is: Identifying appropriate evidence and weighing up that evidence to make a choice (for example, gathering and assessing information to find the best way to perform an experiment). Taking responsibility for a decision and its outcomes (for example, choosing a topic for a group presentation from a number of suggestions).

Back to top

Delegation is: Taking responsibility for determining when to ask someone else to make a decision or carry out a task (for example, figuring out what is a fair distribution of the workload in a group project, and sharing responsibility with others). Distributing responsibility and authority in a group by giving someone else the discretion to make decisions that you have the authority to make (for example, as the chosen leader of a lab experiment team, you could assign tasks and decisions to different group members).

Back to top

Collaboration is:

Working cooperatively and productively with other team members to contribute to the outcomes of the team's work (for example, dividing the workload and sharing the results of your own work with others in the group, or assisting members of the group who are having difficulty completing their tasks).

Back to top

Network building is: Creating contacts with other people and maintaining those contacts (for example, meeting someone at a seminar with similar interests, and swapping email addresses with them). Acquiring and maintaining information about people who might be useful contacts for specific purposes (for example, seeking out people established in an industry you hope to work with one day). Using a contact in an ethical manner to help each of you meet specific goals, (for example, collaborating on projects of importance to both of you).

Back to top

Motivating others is: Generating enthusiasm and energy by being positive, focussing on finding solutions and maintaining a positive attitude even when things are not going well (for example, when something goes wrong, asking "What can we try now?" instead of saying, "That should have worked better."). Encouraging others to come up with solutions, listening carefully to their ideas and offering constructive feedback (for example, gathering suggestions for a group project, and giving each person's ideas fair discussion). Being prepared to support others in taking agreed, calculated risks, and not blaming others when things go wrong (for example, one group member's portion of a presentation receives a poor mark - make sure that this student isn't blamed by the group, and focus

on learning from the mistakes).

Interpersonal Skills
Interpersonal skills are measures of how adept you are at interacting with others. Active listening is an interpersonal skill, as is knowing how to communicate to someone else that you respect him or her. When problems arise you use your interpersonal skills to resolve conflict with others. People learn interpersonal skills by interacting with family members, going to school, and socializing with their peers. Healthy interpersonal skills reduce stress, resolve conflict, improve communication, enhance intimacy, increase understanding, and promote joy. Examples of Interpersonal Skills Communication skills involve both listening and speaking effectively. Assertiveness skills involve expressing yourself and your rights without violating others rights. Conflict is natural and inevitable. Conflict resolution skills help you resolve differences so that you may continue a relationship effectively. Anger management skills involve recognizing and expressing anger appropriately in order to achieve goals, handle emergencies, solve problems and even protect our health. Interpersonal Skills Self-Assessment Ask yourself the questions below. If you identify with a number of these statements, you would likely benefit from work on your interpersonal skills. How often do you seek approval and affirmation from others, but fear criticism? guess at what normal behavior is? feel as if you are different from other people? isolate yourself from and feel afraid of people in authority roles? downplay your own accomplishments and good deeds?

have difficulty following a project through from beginning to end? get frightened or stressed in the company of an angry person. lie in order to avoid conflict? judge yourself harshly? feel that others (or society) take advantage of you? take yourself seriously, and view other relationships just as seriously? have problems developing and maintaining intimate relationships? feel guilty when you stand up for yourself or put your needs first? feel responsible for others and find it easier to have concern for others than for yourself? act impulsive, before considering alternative actions or possible consequences? have difficulty feeling or expressing your own feelings? If you find that you identify with a number of the above statements, you could likely benefit from work on your interpersonal skills. To begin this work, you may wish to review our online resources concerningcommunication, assertiveness, conflict resolution and anger management.