BELEN JESUIT SENIOR SKIT 2012-2013 FINAL PERFORMANCE OCTOBER 24,2012

I. DQ prayer/Chicken Anthem II. Gus Classroom Scene III. Video (Cartaya, DQ, and Willie) IV. Cartaya and DQ meeting V. Father Suarez Transition VI. All Stars VII. DQ and ArtyBEST FRIENDS Transition VIII. Coaches Scene IX. Father Suarezs Top 5 favorite things Transition (video) X. Theology Meeting XI. Apa and Dulz donut Transition (video) XII. Science XIII. Interrogation Scene Transition XIV. Social Studies Scene XV. Drive-Thru Transition (video) XVI. Gerry XVII. Bravo Head & Shoulders Transition (spotlight out of curtains) XVIII. Math XIX. Janitors Scene Transition XX. Climax XXI. Gangam Style!

(DQ steps out in front of the curtains) DQ: Good morning gentlemen, and welcome to the 2012 senior skit. (Points at student) Are you fired up? I love this guy, phenomenal guy. These guys get my toes tingling. My eyebrows are vibrating. (Lifts up sleeves and points at forearms) Goosebumps! You can't fake these! Now, we begin, as always, with a relevant prayer. A prayer that many of you can and will connect with. I wanna tell you all a little story. There was once an Indian by the name of Maximus Lombardi. His son came to him one day and said "Father, what is the meaning of life?". He told his young son, "A lion and a gazelle were playing blackjack. He then got wounded in the Vietnam war, and ended up scoring a touchdown in the 1975 Super Bowl." St. Ignatius once said Go out and set the world on fire. Doesnt that get you fired up?! Im pumped! YEAH! Amen. We will now hear the pledge of allegiance from one of the phenomenally talented seniors from the class of 2013. This kid's got Chispa, I tell you. Chispa! YEAH! (Begins to walk off stage but turns back and points at someone in the audience) DQ: Hey! Button that tie up! Look sharp! (DQ walks off stage, CHICKEN on stage.) (CHICKEN gawks National Anthem. About thirty seconds into it BR. GERRY runs on stage and chases him off. The curtain opens on Dr. Gus' class. Some students sleeping, others playing on IPads. Paddy the giant IPad also in the class somewhere) Gus Classroom scene

Dr. Gus: Ok class, it is widely believed that the Maya predicted that the end of the world would come on December 21st 2012. But this got me thinkin. So I turned to my favorite primary source, Georgio from Ancient Aliens, and I have figured out that the end of the world may come earlier than people thought. So does anyone want to take a shot at when the real date is? Student 1: December 20th Dr. Gus: eeeeeee no Student 2: November 17 Dr. Gus: eeeeeeeeee too late Student 3: I like turtles Dr. Gus: no no shut up Student 4: October 30th Dr. Gus: eeeeeeeeeeeeee close we are getting there Student 5: October 24.23rd! Dr. Gus: Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaa .October 23th, I buy that...October 23rd, 2012 Curtains close video comes down Video (Curtains close. Screen comes down, and we have Fr Cartaya in front of the green screen) FR CARTAYA: em hello everyones, and welcome to eh, Cartaya point O. You know, I eh, hurt my eye over the summer, and I had to put a cotton pad on it. I said DQ, look at, my new IPad, IPad, hehe. You know, eh, one of my estudents told me that he could not get into the universities of Miami, and I tell him eh, yes you Cane, yes you Cane, hehe.

I eheard that Reggie Bush left his pads at the football efield yesterday. Now he's eh running back, hehe running back. I hope eh Mateo Buraglia is watching. I ethink he will get a kick out of this, a kick, hehe. (Screen fades out and Fr Cartaya wakes up in the observatory to an alarm) Oh my! I am alarmed, hehe, alarmed. (Looks into the telescope and sees a huge fiery meteor. Cut back to Cartaya, "Impact Clock" appears on screen.) It looks like lunch today is going to be meaty-er, he, meaty-er. (Video cuts to Fr. Willie standing in front of camera as if he is holding it himself.) FR. WILLIE: Hey guys! Fr. Willie live from the Dominican Republic. I just received word that a meteor was heading your way. That being said, I recall from my days as a student of Latin American history the prophecy of the Mayan Apocalypse. Now the Mayans believed the world would end at the end of their calendar, there's no doubt about it. Having said that, though, one Mayan inscription tells us that one man, ONE MAN, will be able to stop the meteor from hitting the earth. A descendent of the Maya, this man will be the only person, ONLY PERSON, on the planet who will have the power to speak directly to the gods and stop their meteor from coming. Having said that, that being said, keep your eyes open with open eyes for that prophet! Remember everything you do is for the greater glory of God! Our Lady of Belen......cmon you could be louder than that. Our Lady of Belen....thats more like it. Bye guys! (He says as he waves at the camera) (Video cuts to a shadowy figure in, from behind. In a raspy, bat-voice. "Deshi-Basara" playing in the background) DQ: This school goes on. Oblivious of the dangers that lurk in every shadow. Buttons are unbuttoned. ID's are in pockets. And yet they go on as if everything is just fine.

But, there's something else in the shadows. A force for good. One that everyone knows (Cut to WBLN interview, Roca talking to a young student) ROCA: So, what do you think about the Batman? STUDENT: (in squeaky voice) who? (Back to dark DQ) DQ: one that everyone fears (Back to WBLN) ROCA: are you afraid of the Belen Batman? STUDENT: I have no idea what you're talking about. (Back to DQ) DQ: I'm the hero this school needs. When a man gives his life for a noble cause, he becomes more than a man. He becomes a symbol. For justice. For truth. For not skipping at lunch. I am(Phone rings, he picks it up) DQ: (in batman voice) Hello? (Normal voice, steps into the light and we see it's DQ) umm, I mean, hello? Oh yes Fr Cartaya. What can I do for you? (Pause) A what? How much time do we have? Alright. (Steps back into darkness and in his Batman voice) I'm on my way. Cartaya and DQ meeting DQ: father how may I help you. Fr. Cartaya: Hello Tommy, I was in the observatory and I saw a meteor coming this way and I say to myself that I must warn everyone but unfortunately I am all worn out, worn out. So I give the news to you, just like wbln it is your news, your news. DQ: Fantastic father, just phenomenal, I will get on this right away.

CARTAYA LEAVES STAGE DQ: Man, thank goodness I have the safehouse in my batcave. Theres room for me and nine othersbut how will I choose the others. [paces back and forth] Thats it! Ill use that new iPad I ordered from Apple in California. Ill program some spyware into it, and Ill have him follow the teachers around. Only Ill disguise him as a student.a foreign exchange student: Paddy! YEAH!

Fr. Suarez Late - Transition With the curtains closed we have Father Suarez walk on stage SUAREZ: Has the skit started yet? I am trying to make it to every event! Curtains open Faculty Meeting Scene Starts with a line of teachers making their way into the room. Valdez checking IDs. The last one in the line is Barq VALDES: Stop. Name. BARQ: Valdez, its me Barq VALDES: Aqui no hay un Barq. Get out of here.

BARQ: You dont see barq well check under Carlos Barquin VALDES: BACK UP! (checks list one more time) There is no Barq and there is no Carlos Barquin, now GET OUT OF HERE!......JIMMY..JIMMY (Jimmy comes sound of earthquake with every step.) Jimmy Takes barq and walks him out. By now all the teachers have sat down but they are wondering why this meeting has been called. RAMIREZ: Mr. Font, what are you doing?

FONT: Why, Mrs. RamirezIm Examining the texture, and the composition, and the.the taste [begins licking paint brush] ALEXANDER: Now that seems exuberant! COUTO: Mr. Maza why are we here? MAZA: Dont freak out. DONT freak out. Im about to tell you something and I dont want you to freak out. Okay, DQ gave me a note yesterday about this meeting. In it, was the reason why we are here today. But, this morning I had to take my son to school, my mini van aka the swag wagon broke down and I was so stressed because the Saints lost and basically I lost the note. But it gets worse. In all of that, I also got stuck at my sons football practice and edited 675 college essays and.I FORGOT MY PANTS (walks out without pants) LUND: Dont worry Maza, nobodys going to blow up on you. Speaking of blowing up, so I used to teach at another school, a public one, and one day this kid says Hey guys Ive got a bomb. So naturally, all the kids start freaking out. Anyways, the kids found out it was a hoaxthey all went home that day and said Hey Mom.I had a blast at school today....BAD JOKE RAMIREZ: WOW Mr. Lund just WOOOOOOW. LUND: Sorry, Ms. Ramirez I think that jokes the bomb. VAZQUEZ: laughs LUND: Wow I guess I really BLEW that one ALEXANDER: Mr. Font, can I have some of that? ( smells and licks the paint)gigglesWell I think Mr. Lunds joke was quite Umorous. DULZ: Mr. Alexander are you an idiot (says this while doing his hand motions) We all know that clearly this meeting is definitely being held to inform everyone that I am finally getting my own classroom. VAZQUEZ: laughs

COLLINS: Mr. Dulzaides, the thought of you getting your own classroom is quite unlikely. RAMIREZ: ALMOST AS LIKEY AS YOUR BOWLING TEAM WINNING A MATCH THIS YEAR. COLLINS: Ms. Ramirez you haven't been democratically elected to the position of President of washing new coaches hopes down the gutter. Thats correct bowling lingo, right, Mr. Dulzaides? (Dulzaides nods) The reason DQ called this meeting is clearly to announce that Im receiving the Belen Jesuit Medal of Honor, because of the shout-out I gave Belen as I skydived with members of the US Army. At 14,000 feet it was really a high five! After hitting the ground safe and sound I couldnt help but think to myself you know whatyou cant spell Patriot without PAT! JULIO enters scene VAZQUEZ: Hola, hola JULIO: Oye papa, oye, que bola, como tu esta, que pasa, y los jovenes, si, que bien, donde esta tu ID? RAMIREZ: Helllllooooooo Julio! Pro-pro-pronounce your words. Is that how they talk in Hialeah? Im sorry Julio can you please try saying that in a language I speakI dont speak Cubanese ALEXANDER: nyahhhhh, what in the name of the Curse of the Billy Goat did Julio just try conveying to us? Nyahhh that sounded like a combination of Kenny G and the Canterbury Tales. VAZQUEZ: Fue muy Awesome. Vaya Julio! Julio exits. DQ walks into the room. He is accompanied by LOURDES from the Wolverine Den. DQ: Good morning ladies and gentleman. Before we begin, I brought Lourdes from the Wolverine Den to show off these snazzy pink, breast cancer awareness wolverine socks.

LOURDES: Hola chicos! DQ: Arent they phenomenal? Mr. Artiz are you fired up? ARTIZ: Man if there was a fire in me itd be sky high man LOURDES: Pero Mr. Artiz only ten dollars! They could be yours! LUND: Ten dollars for a pair of socks? What are theysocks? LOURDES: Si Mr. Lund. They are still on sale! DQ: Thank you Lourdes, you can go now. LOURDES: Hasta luego! DQ: I am sure you are all wondering why you are here. But first I would like to ask all of you take a look around the room. Everyone in this room is part of an elite class. You are the all-stars of Belen Jesuit Preparatory School. I know you may be thinking how it is possible that Mr. Artiz is already a Belen all-star, but I feel that the energy he brings to the table is unmatched. Everytime he walks through the door he makes my toes tingle. ARTIZ: You know man thanksEverytime you walk through the door you make my toes tingle too man DQ: Mr. Artiz, You are the best restricted free agent acquisition in the history of Belen Jesuit Preparatory School. ARTIZ: Tommy, man, me and youwe got a lot in common man. I got this bike and I can imagine us takin the back tire off, stretchhhhin the bike, putting another chair on, putting the wheel back on the bike, and then ridin together man, you and me. one bike, two bros, just takin over the world man..EYE contact MAN DQ: Thank you Mr. Artiz. Now lets get down to business. I have big news. I would like to inform all of you that we have a new foreign exchange student that is to be roaming the halls of Belen. So without further ado, I introduce you.

(Vikram walks in and says)---Hallo Im here tank you DQ- Im sorry Vikram youre a great kid phenominal, but its not you. ARTIZ: Hey look man, its the Kite Runner, man Dq: so without further ado I would like to introduce.PADDY Paddy the Ipad walks into the room and all the teachers stare. Scene ends with DQs huddle up and break..What school do you go to?BELEN (Collins says AMERICA!) Curtains close ARTY AND DQ BEST FRIENDS

Coaches Scene Apa: (holding a donut) to the 30 the 20 the 10 (eats the donut) TOUCHDOWN! Barq walks in Barq: Everybody stop! Stuart: What is it Barq Barq: Well I just got back from DQs meeting and we werent invited to DQs meeting. Fraga: So if you werent invited then how did you go? Barq: I didnt go Fraga I was not invited. Apa: you just said you got back from the meeting. (eats donut) Fraga: so egh what was the meeting about? Barq: I was not at the meeting I was not invited! Stuart: He is going crazy again. This meeting does not exist.

Barq: No, the beautiful Everglades muck that I dug myself on our football field doesnt exist, and thats a shame. This meeting, however, did happen. But I dont know what, what, what, I forgot what I was going to say. Apa: Hey Barq has a point in bringing this meeting up. Fraga: Egh, how so? Apa: Well if there was a meeting, how come we were not invited. Its like we are no longer relevant. (eats donut) Stuart: If thats the case, how do we become relevant again? Fraga: well egh we could do some plyometrics. All coaches: yea yea yea stretch stretch strech stretch stretch. (say this while stretching) Victor: stop ( no one listens) STOP (no one listens) STOOOOP Barq: Stop Victor? 2012?!?! what victor? We are trying to stretch here. Fraga: Barq are you sure you have no idea what that meeting was about? Barq: I never said that I have no idea what it was about I just said I was not invited. The meeting was about a new student in the school. Apa: what was his name? Barq: I think it was Paddy. Stuart: Can he play Oline? Fraga: Coach, right now we need to worry about finding this Paddy. Fraga hops on Apas back and says Yip Yip, Apa, Yip Yip! and Apa runs off. ALL COACHES MINUS STUART AND BARQ LEAVE. Barq: Stuart, can you come here for a second? Stuart: Yeah, Barq.

Barq: I want to show you something...when I was a student in high school in 1832 I was the starting quarterback for the varsity football team and we ran a spread offense. Now what the quarterback does is throw the football (does the throwing motion) Coach Stuart: (does throwing motion and then does handoff motion)Yeah, and you guys made the State Championship game in 1832? Barq: Just listen. To throw the football you must bring your arm back and then flick the ball forward. Now, the quarterback needs to hike the ball ( shows how to hike and does a barq "football"), after the quarterback hikes it the wide receivers are in charge of getting open (draws a bunch of squiggly lines on the white board). Coach Stuart: Yeah, Barq. I get it. A pass. What's your point? Barq: Once they are open, the quarterback will throw (does the throwing motion) and the wide receiver will catch (runs to the spot and pretends to catch) and scores a touchdown (goes crazy!) Stuart: Barq, if it aint broken. Lets not fix it. Barq: No, no. Now you try. Coach Stuart: Down, set, Hut (goes to through the ball then pauses and hands it off) Looks like a long handoff to me. And this is a lot safer, Barq. (He does the handoff, pats Barq on the back and walks off stage) Barq: (pauses then shots)NOOO (chasing after Stuart Curtains close Father Suarez Transition Video

Theology Department Scene Br. Gerry: Deacon, Why are we here at 6:30 in the morning?

Deacon: Hey! Im still running on Notre Dame time Arty: I might be wrong, but its the same time in Notre Dame as it is here man Deacon: Alright, whatever, Im glad that you all were able to come, Br. Wood, Ms. Fernandez, Fr. Suarez, Mr. Artiz. I called you all here today to show you all videos of some waterfalls and pretty flowers with some Ray Bolton music Arty: Nah Nah man, lets watch good will hunting (hunning) Angie: Aye, I looove good will hunting *Batman swoops in behind Angie* Batman: Then youre gonna love me *Hits Angie, she falls down* Angie: Oh, se me rompio una arte Angie: Aye, people in this school have become so violent, They are like Piranas *DOES HAND BITE MOTIONS*, swimming en una stream in a mountain, pero el stream, es made of Jello *Fr. Suarez wakes up and says Jello then falls back asleep* y encima de todo, es green Jello, Apple flavor, thats disgusting. So they are their looking for Jesus Christ *(soft voice)Jiggle Jiggle, Jiggle Jiggle.* And then they see in the distance bits and pieces of Oreo *Fr. Suarez wakes up again and says Oreo?! then falls back asleep* como they serve en la cafeteria, eso es disgusting tambien, pero the oreos represent sins, un bit por aca, un piece por alla, un cheat y un lie, todo eso son sins, sins everywhere. And then you see a hook, in the shape of the devil and its saying UUHH, IM THE DEVIL. Pero you are getting too close to the hook, but just as You are about to bite onto the hook, Yesus(Jesus) in the form of an octopus, comes with his eight arms and rescues you, giving you un tremendo hug con his arms.

Gerry: ANGIE! That made no sense! Angie: Aye Gerry, why cant you be nice like mr. Artiz Arty: Aww thanks Ms. Fernandez but, I like green Jello Deacon: Brother Wood is the only one that is making any sense; I think he deserves a treat *Fr. Suarez wakes up and falls down from his chair saying TREAT?! Lights off Apa and Dulz Donut Transition Video Science Department Classroom Scene PA: Alrights babies, today we gun take popz quiz. Student 1: Pop Quiz?! Thats not fair! PA: Pero babies, all you do is sit in class playingst on those ipadst, not listening to Dr. PAst, and then I give you a pop quiz and you say pero PA why you no tell us about el quissito? and I say pero babist, I cant tell you about no Post quiz. If I tell you, then its not post its supposed to be post. Scull: Dont worry, the quiz is papitas. Speaking of papitaslet me tell you about when I used to play baseball in high school. Theyd say Oye Iggy manda lo pa left field..so Id come up to bat and SU-PATSSSSSSSSS. Then theyd say Oye Iggy pa right fieldso Id SU-PATSSSSSSS! Entonces theyd say Oye Iggy pa center fi-SUPATSSSSSSSSSSSS! Papitas.papitas! PA:. But babist before we take el quissito, Mr. Padilla is going to teach you some popz quiz safety. Padilla: Ok gentleman, the first thing I wants to say is I DONTS HAS TO DO THIS. I donts has to do this. Second: there is absolutely no horses playing in the lab. ABSOLUTELY NO HORSES PLAYING IN THE LAB!

Horse stands up with horse head and walks out. Padilla: If you horses e play in da lab I make you write a thousand bananas a thousand times Scull: Or a thousand papitas Padilla: And if you dont write a thousand bananas a thousand time I will make you poopy in your panties! Padilla walks out PA: Ok babies lets Review for da post Quizst Bravo: Bros good luck on your quiz and remember the head is connected to the shoulders, the head is connected to the shoulders.the head is connected to the shoulders.head and shoulers[pulls out bottle of Head and Shoulders]...any questions? Student: Yea, I have a question. Where is Mrs. Lara? Bravo: who? Student: Mrs. Lara, I never see her in the skit. Bravo: BRO! Who are you talking about? Any more questions? Student#1: where is the fetus PA: (puts foot on desk, points and says FETUS BABIES) PA hands out quizzes, goes to Keonte Keonte CATCH! The students begin to take their quiz, but there is one student who is sleeping. (Mr. Myers walks across the stage, working on his ipad, followed by two jacked 6th graders) First 6th grader: Mr. Myers! Mr Myers! Second 6th grader: Look what we did on Mindcraft!! Mr. Myers: Did you gentlemen watch Mythbusters yesterday? Two sixth graders swoon and say Ooooohhh!

Sucena: Well, what do we have here? Excuse me Mr. (INSERT NAME) are you finished with your quiz? You are. Well would you like me to grade it for you? You would? Well lets see (begins looking at quiz) well it looks like you left a lot of questions un answered I am afraid I am going to have to give you a ZEEEEROOO. Whats that? You want extra credit? PA: Whats extra macredisttt babyst? Suce: You know, Extra Macredist. The question? How many Points will Mater score on BELEN. Thats right ZEROOOOOOOOO Student #2: its too loud can you please be quiet.. Scull: OK, no this guy wants me to be quiet.what is this? [holds up a UM sweater] Is this a UM sweater? Student 2: Yeah Scull: A UM sweater? Really? You think its loud? Hows this for loud? [Does Gator chomp] Its all about the gators man! Tim Tebow, you heard of him? [gets down on floor and starts tebowing] PA: Ok babies, time is up. If you can please turn in your papers to Mr. Jimenez. Faculty, Coach Barquinst just iMessaged me that we have an emergency meeting. We gotta go! Scull: I told you guys! Papitas! Like my high school baseball career! PA: Pero, Scull what was your high school batting average? Sucena: ZEEEEEROOOOOO All teachers except Mr. Jimenez walk off stage Mr. Jimenez: Umkay guys, I will be having your quizzes now. Student roll up their quizzes and throw them at Mr. Jimenez Mr. Jimenez: Umkay, that is not what I had in mind Umkay. (one more paper ball hits him) Umkay Curtains Close Interrogation Scene

Social Studies Scene Collins: Welcome to the first Social Studies Department Meeting for the 2012-2013 school year. As always, we begin with..Trivia with Collins! Cleveland: Trivia with Collins?! What the hell happened since I left? Has everyone lost their minds? Gus: ehhh maybe a little Collins: Now just play a long, Mr. Cleveland! Something tells me todays question might tickle your fancy. Now the question is directed towards Mr. Nicosia; Mr. Nicosia, how many Presidents have their been in the history of these GRRREEAAAAT United States of America? Is it A) 44 or B) 43? Nicosia: Um, well, um, can you give me a little spaceum, 44? Collins: Are you sure? Nicosia: I think so? Collins: And the results are in..Well Mr. Nicosia, I am so so so so so so so soooooooooooooooo glad your answer was 44! Because you are absolutely, positively, without a doubt, 100 percentwrong. Youre wrong. Mr. NicosiaYou had a 50/50 chance and ya blew it! Now, Mr. Martinez can you explain why Mr. Nicosia is so wrong? Martinez: Well, fellas, ya seealthough their have been 44 Presidential terms *breathes on glasses*, there have been only 43 Presidents. Collins: And why is that Mr. Martinez? Martinez: Fellas, cmon! Its basic knowledge here. Grover Cleveland served as both the nations 22nd and 24th President. Therefore, Barack Obama is only the 43rd man to serve as pre-pre-pre-pre-president. Collins: Well thank you for that wonderful response Mr. Martinez. And with that, lets begin todays meeting. Well first, Mr. DQ wanted me to tell you all to be expecting a

new foreign exchange student Paddy, to sit in on your classes. But more importantly today it is my pleasure to reintroduce a descendent of Grover Cleveland himself to our Social Studies faculty. Mr. Cleveland left us a year ago but is back this year to begin a whole new era at Belen Jesuit.

NICOSIA: Looks like the number of student seizures is going to go back to 2011 rates now that his power points will be back on our smart boards. Cleveland: Hey man. I ask them if they want to see the power point or not. They always say yes, yes, feed me Mr. Cleveland and then they are all like O my God whats with all these flashing lights. Now Mr. Dulzaides can you at least pretend you want to be here?!?! Dulz: Pfft (takes off his beats and rolls his eyes) Cleveland: Anyways, like I was saying before I was so RUUUUUDELY interrupte*KNOCKS ON DOOR* Cleveland: Holy John Maynard Keynes *high pitch* am I ever gonna be able to teach? Whos there?! Paddy walks in and sits down Cleveland: I swear, manCollins: Mr. Clevelandwe dont Swear here. NICOSIA: Just like we dont consider bowling a sport. Now continue. Cleveland: *frustrated* I promise, man, next shmuck that walks in here Im gonna be pissed. So I go back to Tennessee and my first day there, my first frickin day, my son comes home and hes all like dad, I got laid off from work bro and Im just like go get a frickin job man! Gus: Ya, I mean, he should get a job.a job.I buy that.

Nicosia: Mr. Cleveland you should tell your son to hit the border and head up to the Great North. Youve got maple leaves, maple syrup, Canadian bacon, and they even got regular bacon over there too. I remember when me and my crew buddies from Canisius decided to grab life by the horns and spend the weekend in Toronto. There was a mishmosh of bocce ball and hockey big enough to get our whole gang hootin and hollerin Dulz: Bacci ball is a sissy sport. Bowling is for men. Nicosia: Oh yeah, because everyoneee loves the Bowlverines. Tell me this big man. Does the team still use bumpers? Dulz: I dont need to take this. I WENT TO GEORGETOWN. Cleveland: Anyways, so after my son loses his job, my daughter comes home and is all like daddy, I want to sing! So now Im spending 400 dollars a month on a damn singing coach. I mean seriously? Thats as useful as hiring a bowling coach! Martinez: So youre saying it aint useful at all! ALL: laughter Dulzaides stands up and leaves Cleveland: But seriously, I mean shes good, great voice, but shes not going to be Americas Idol or anything like that. Dr. Gus youve heard her. Shes good right, riiiiiiiggghhhtttt?! Gus: ehhhhhhhh I buy that! Barq barges into meeting Barq: News is bad, bad news, protein YEAH! Collins: What is it Coach Barquin? Barq: Emergency faculty meeting NOW! DQs meeting.ipad meeting meteor..meteor BOOM!....touchdown! YEAH! Nicosia: What in the name of Yankee Doodle Dandy is he saying?

Cleveland: Has everyone lost their mind? Gus: ehhhhhI buy that Martinez: FellasIve worked alongside Coach Barquin for years now. I speak his language. What hes tryin to say here is that Mr. De Quesadas gone Benedict Arnold on the faculty. This Paddy that Pat told us about is more of a Julius Rothenberg than a foreign exchange student. Hes a spy! A meteor is on its way, fellas. It could be D-Day real soon and Barq was just acting as the facultys Paul Revere to spread the message. Collins: We better get to this meeting! Social Studies Drive Thru Transition

Brother Gerry Classroom Scene starts with nugget wrestling and Br.Gerry initiating the fight. Valdez: (storms in) OYE, What are you doing? Get out. LOCO, Stop it, GET OUT> Everybody sits downas Gerry walks away he says Br.Gerry: Who told yall you could wrestle? Br.Gerry: (Logging onto Computer) access denied.Damn, Eric from the Library keeps logging me out. Student #1: Gerry face it, you forgot youre password. Br.Gerry: I like youre attitude kid. Keep it up. is my Password? Student #2: GERRY1234 Br.Gerry: Thats itttt!!!!!! Br.Gerry:Vikram go up and present. Vikram: But Gerry you never said I had to present. Br.Gerry: I dont caree Vikram, GO PRESENT. YOU, what

Vikram: Discus was invented Brother Gerry: Vikram, DO THE VOICE Vikram but Gerry.. Br.Gerry: Vikram Vikram: (in Hindu voice) My favorite film is Slumdog Millionaire. This Bollywood hit was shot in the Mumbai district Br.Gerry: stopi it (to student #2, dont MESS with me) Stedent #2: stand up writes on the board miss and mess Gerry pronounces both as MESSS Student#1: Gerry can we get back to the presentation? (with attitude) Br,Gerry: I like you kid100++++++++Vikram continue.. Vikram (normal voice). Br.Gerry: VIKRAM, DA VOICEEEEE Vikram:continues on.Gerry stops him Gerry attacks Student #3while beating him up Student #3 : im not the guy Gerry. You have the wrong guy. Br.Gerry: WELL be the right Guy. CHICKENS RUNS ACROSS STAGE.Gerry chases chicken in monkey run. Artiz enters Artiz: Hey man, where you from? Vikram: India Artiz: No way manmy carpets from Australia. Curtains close Bravo Head and Shoulders Transition

Math Scene Couto and Del Dago stroll onto the stage rolling their bags Couto: Hey Del Dago, what is dat dat you have in your hand? Del Dago: Oh its da TI-84 Plus dat Ive had since da year I started here at Belen Couto: HA! In Big boy math we use the TI-Eighty-Niiiiiiiine or da TI_Nspire, because dats what da real men use Del Dago: Couto why do you always have to put me down man. Remember when we used to stay after school, teaching kids how to graph parabola on WWW.geogebra.com? We should be like two peas in a pod, like Jimmy and Valdes, they even have a cool handshake. We should be like two points on a line, two sides of a square, two derivatives in a function. Couto: Yabut those days are over Double-D. Ever sence O gave me his AP Calc class, I have moved onto bigger and better things Del Dago: You dont even teach BC. Couto: BC? BC?!?!?! Ha! What does that stand for anyways? Betty Crocker? Del Dago: daaaat was a bad joke Couto. If youre so sharp den what does AB stand for? Couto: A lot better! [From offstage] Ramon: HEY GUYS! Couto: Del Dago?! Did you tell da statistics teacher about the meeting? You know how I feel about Statistics! Now Mrs. Ramon will uncover us! Ramon walks in Ramon: Why do you guys meet all the way in the Roca? Couto: To isolate ourselves from Del Dago: Be nice Couto!

Ramon: Why cant I ever be part of your math meetings? I mean I have more input than him [points to Father Suarez in the corner who is sleeping] Couto: I mean he practically invented math Del Dago: And he can prove Fermats Last Theorem Ramon: Ya but I can do thaDel Dago: Without a calculator. Ramon: Oh. Couto: Mrs. Ramon, well allow you to join our meetings as long as you dont tell anyone that we are occupying da Roca. Del Dago: And if you can renew our subscription to WWW.geogebra.com Ramon: Fine, fine, fine I guess thats only fair [from offstage] Williams: Whos in my theater? Del Dago: Theyve found us! Mrs. Ramon youve revealed our hiding place! You gon make me quit! Williams, accompanied by Valdes and Jimmy, enter stage. Jimmy and Valdes do cool handshake. Del Dago: See Couto?! I told you! They do have a cool hand shake. We should have a hand shake. Maybe we can Couto: Del Dago, please stop. Youre going off on a tangent. Get it.tangent! Del Dago: Couto, pleasethis has to be a sign. Get it, sin! Couto: Del Dago.we were meant to be! Couto and Del Dago embrace Williams: So, uh, I see that the Math department is intruding in my theateryou know what this calls for right? Lights dim, music starts. Williams steps to center. Del Dago and Couto stand to his right. Jimmy and Valdes to his

left. Mrs. Ramon steps off towards the back. Lets get ready to rumble comes on. As dance finished, just Ramon and Williams are left on stage. Ramon: Mr. Williams so this your theater?! Williams: Im leaving now Williams walks off stage. Ramon: [AS CURTAINS BEGIN CLOSING] Math is a wonderful thing. Math is a really cool thing. So get off Lights off. Curtains Close Lights go on almost immediately after for next scene (in front of curtains) Janitors Scene Climax Scene (All the teachers are standing around BY DEPARTMENT, look around, incredibly confused. Barq walks in) BARQ: (this is peppered with "football" "touchdown" and "yeah") You must be wondering why I call you all to here today. I know this is hard to believe, but we've been BAMBOOZLED. There's a meteor coming in A FEW MINUTES. A FEW MINUTES! And DQ has sent HIM (other coaches drag in Paddy) to spy on us! He's trying to decide which 9 teachers he's going to save! COUTO: S-s-save where? BARQ: In his batcave Teachers look around like Barq is crazy ARTY: ah man, this is like that movie man! DULZ: Dark Knight? ARTY: nah, Finding Nemo man. (Everyone looks at him confused)

JMART: looks like DQs pulled the ol Boston tea party on us. How are we going to decide who survives? (Everyone starts talking and arguing at the same time.) PA: Babyst, Babyst! please shut up! We need to pick ONE tshirt from each department, it's the fairest way. That way, Belen could last forever. DEACON: I vote Brother Wood for us. (All the religion teachers agree with him and say "of course") XANDER: well, I think the English teacher is, uh, pretty clear. MAZA: yeah. (They each point at themselves and say in unison) ME. XANDER: c'mon Maza, I'm the department head. It has to be me. MAZA: there's only one fair way we can settle this. XANDER: poetry battle? MAZA: poetry battle. (The whole crowd goes "ooooo" and clears chairs out of the way) MAZA (clears throat and says, in a condescending voice): Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, I took the one less traveled, and that made all the difference. XANDER: to be, or not to be, that is the question. Whether tis better to suffer slings and arrows of outrageous misfortune, or, by opposing a sea of troubles, end them. MAZA: actually, I'm gonna do an original now. I call it "Xander". PADILLA! DROP THE BEAT.

PADILLA: I dont has to do thisbut I wants to do this. Padilla drops beat. Other teachers dance. MAZA: You, can beat me? You must be delirious. You may be the head, but not intellectually curious. XANDER: I gotta say Maza, your raps are a bit shoddy, There's more poetry in my goatee than your entire body. MAZA: I ask you this Xander, please tell me how, To win a rap battle if you don't even have eyebrows? XANDER: Oh geez, someone get this Chongo out my face, Everyone knows Maza's raps are worse than plan 9 from outer space. MAZA: who's the better teacher, I think that, clearly, You can beat me when the cubs can win a World Series. XANDER: quit while you're ahead Maza, you might as well stop, Can't even find a word to describe you in my vocabulary workshop. (Drops vocab book in front of Maza) All teachers start hootin and hollerin ANGIE: stop it, stop it, por favor! This fighting is tearing us apart! You are like pack of wild guinea pigs, fighting over the last bit of jamoncito! We need to appreciate our last minutes on this mundo. NICOSIA: Shes right! Quit the hootin and hollerin DELDAGO: Since times almost out, I need to get this off my chestMr Couto, I have a confession... I've been stealing the batteries out of your TI inspire. COUTO: (flabbergasted) but Double D?! DELDAGO: the truth is, I have always been jealous that you got the AP class... COUTO: I have a confession too... I've been meeting up with Mr. O and deriving equations.

DELDAGO: you cheated on me?! That's it Couto, 3 day suspension from my heart! COUTO: let's put the past behind us, Deldago. We don't have much time left. (DELDAGO first slowly, but then lovingly embraces him) JMART: uh, fellas, I gotta fess up too. The truth is... I'm actually a direct descendant of Benedict Arnold. SUCENA: Zero isnt my favorite number (Sobs and runs off stage) DULZAIDES: I've been eating all the mayonaise... EVERYONE: WE KNOW. COLLINS: I was wrong once... BRAVO: I have dandruff PADILLA: I horse-e-played in the lab... NICOSIA: Ive never been to the great North GUS: I am Armin Van Buuren RAMIREZ: I know how to be nice GERRY: I ATE A MAN! SKULL: I got cut from my high school baseball team. VAZQUEZ: I had a sprite once. (Everyone gasps) STUART: Truth isI know how to pass. Get me a 66 receiver that runs a 4.4 and well be passin til the break of dawn. Until then, though, we win on the ground. The Mayan God Quetzalcoatl walks on and yells strange tribal sound.

JIMENEZ: Whos that? Mmkay. GUS: Oh my Lordits the Mayan God Quetalcoatl. The Mayan calendar has ended. Were doomed! ARTY: well, I guess this is it, man. I, I love you guys... Teachers hug. RAMON: THIS IS THE EEEEEEEEEEND! Batman runs on stage to stop him BATMAN: I will fulfill the prophecy. I will stop the meteor. I will speak to the Mayan gods. QUETALCOATL shoves him away. The Mayan God lifts his arms as if he is about to bring down the Earth. Then Julio comes on stage and speaks to him in jibberish, with excessive hand motion. He interacts with the Indian. COLLINS: Is he speaking.quechua? RAMIREZ: So thats what he speaks. (The Indian nods and leaves. The teachers QUIETLY begin walking backwards) Fraga steps to front and loudly proclaims FRAGA: JULIO IS THE MAYAN PROPHET ANGIE: oh my God, Julio has saved us! ARTY: you're like Matt Damon, man. (Curtains close) (DQ comes on stage wearing Batman mask, says in a dramatic Bat-voice) DQ: sometimes, the hero isn't who you expect. *REMOVES MASK and changes his voice to normal* I was the hero they deserved, but not the one they needed right now. I think, what we learned today, is everyone has a little hero in them. Like St. Ignatius said, we must go and set the world

on fire. If there's one thing I've seen today it's this: THE FIRE RISES. ARTY appears under DQs legs ARTY: hey DQ, I know you're bummed that you couldn't be the hero man, but don't sweat it. Maybe you should loosen up a little bit. Lets dance (They poke their heads out from the curtains and lip-sync "opam gangam style". Curtains open and everyone is there doing the gangam style.) ANNOUNCER CALLS DEPARTMENTS ONE AT A TIME IN THE FOLLWING ORDER: 1. English 2. Social Studies 3. Students 4. Math GANGAM STYLE EVERYONE 5. Coaches 6. Theology 7. Science 8. The Rest CROWD AROUND GUS AND WATCH THE BASS DROP

END.