The Halloween Candy Party Ticket for 2012 2012 David Gershwin President: Snickers.

No debates were allowed for this nomination, since it's just about UNdebatable: Snickers is the best Halloween candy, bar none. It merged sweet (caramel, chocolate) and savory (roasted peanuts) before small plates, pop-up kitchens and food trucks ever existed. Any attempts at improving upon the perfection that is Snickers have fallen woefully short. Just like Snickers brings flavors together, so will it unite our nation. Vice President: Butterfinger. A surprise choice for #2, Butterfinger combines not peanuts, but peanut butter flavor with a crunch. In other words, it can stand in for Snickers if need be. And it's orange inside. While that's a mystery only food chemists can explain, and we know Michael Pollan isn't too pleased, we'll take our Butterfinger, if only for keeping us in the Halloween spirit. State: Kit Kat. Its clean, horizontal division lines are perfect for bringing warring foes together for easily-dividable, light, crisp, candy enjoyment, all in the name of international relations. Treasury: Hershey's Milk Chocolate. If there ever were a gold standard for good ol' American candy, this is it. Defense: Three Musketeers. Horses and bayonets have nothing on these master swordsmen. Plus the creamy nougat doubles as an impenetrable, strategic defense shield for any nation-state. Justice: Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. With the irresistible combination of chocolate and peanut butter, Reese's scales of taste are every bit as balanced as the scales of justice on a good day. Interior: Jolly Ranchers. Better and longer-lasting than a conventional lollipop (see: DumDums), Jolly Ranchers tap into the American frontier spirit in ways that Frederick Jackson Turner could only dream about. Agriculture: Hershey's Chocolate Bar with Almonds. Because almonds actually do grow on trees. Commerce: 100 GRAND. We liked it more when it was the $100,000 Bar, but we're pleased they haven't changed the name, even in the wake of the economic downturn. Labor: Hershey Candy Corn Kisses. Because there actually is union-approved Halloween candy. Don't believe me? http://www.aflcio.org/Blog/Other-News/Union-Made-HalloweenCandy-Shopping-List Oh, and because Butterfinger got tapped for the Veep slot already. Health and Human Services: Baby Ruth. At 280 calories, Baby Ruth sits high atop the calorie-counting list for candy bars. Eat enough of them and you'll be able to create your own

pre-existing condition. Housing & Urban Development: Twix. Twix's biscuit fingers (not making this up) provide strong structural support for building lasting candy structures that will provide lasting benefits to all Americans. Transportation: Milky Way. While we are burdened by often terrestrial transportation issues, Milky Way can transport you to the outer reaches of our galaxy as sort of a Snickers lite, with the kind of smoothness one can only dream about on most urban streets. Energy: M&Ms. Have one, or have ten M&Ms give you the flexibility to get the boost you need when all other energy sources have been depleted. Education: Smarties. Because that's what we all want our schools to produce. Veteran's Affairs: Tootsie Rolls. With a history going back to before WWI, Tootsie Rolls were actually part of U.S. soldier's field rations in WWII. Probably because they last forever under any type of condition. Homeland Security: Krackel. It's only available in a Hershey's miniature version. So, why isn't there a full-bar version? That's classified and it's obviously for our protection.