1 Sara Sokolow Final Draft Undecided I live in a generation where choice is an undisputed right.

We dont need to speak face-to-face to our friends anymore. Instead we can call, text, instant message, e-mail or leave a message on their Facebook wall. Gender doesnt dictate what profession you can or cannot go into or who you can marry. A persons race or religion no longer limits them as it, perhaps, once did. Since the early age of five years old I have been told that I can do, and be, anything that I want to in this world. As grateful as I am to know it, that mayve been the wrong thing to say to a girl like me. A nurse. A teacher. A doctor. A veterinarian. Just like Mommy. Things I wanted to be when I grow up. Yet, as reality has brought me closer to actually being grown up I have been less sure than my self at five. Back then I could have explained why I wanted to be each of those things the answer was always the same and remains a clear fact to this day: I want to help people and make them happy. There are more professions in this world that cater to the needs of others than I can imagine. How am I supposed to choose what I want to spend my entire life doing? Choosing a college major is a big deal. Factor in the reality that I may possibly be the most indecisive person in the world, and you can imagine what Ive been through over the past 5 years. Or, maybe you cant, but dont worry. By the end of this essay you will have gotten into my head and may understand my neuroticisms of indecision better than I ever could. I think During senior year of high school, as my friends were all eagerly applying to the schools of their choice with their intended majors clearly marked in pen, I considered English 2496:001 December 15, 2008

2 doing what I had dreaded most. But, writing undecided was not an option. I have always been stubborn and admitting to one of my flaws so permanently as to write it on a college application was out of the question. I had to pick something. I needed to figure out what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. I was sure that I would stick with whatever I chose throughout all four years of my college career, and I would love it, merely because I had it written in pen on a college application. Yes, clueless is my middle name. I had to begin seriously considering my options. I didnt have much time. Ive always looked up to my mom and we hold a lot of the same ideals. Shes a registered nurse and had always loved her career. It seemed like a natural choice for a career but, quite frankly, cleaning up after people on their sickbeds never appealed to me. The next step from there was to think about pre-med. I would have great bed-side manner and be able to help cure people. Eight years of school minimum was a fast turn-off. My aunt was a high school teacher at the time and all of my friends had decided to go into early-childhood education. It wouldve been easy for me to follow suit and, looking back, Im sure I wouldve enjoyed it. The one decision that Ive made that Im sure of to this day, though, is that I would rather work one-on-one with children than in front of an entire class. I needed to come up with something else. While working at a day camp one summer a few years earlier, I had met two girls who were studying to be speech pathologists. They explained to me how rewarding it was to help children learn to speak correctly to use their lips, tongues, teeth and voices as they never could before. I was intrigued but at that time unaware of the choice Id have to make years later. When the time came to write my intended major on my applications, I

3 thought back to that summer and realized that this was something I could really love. I searched online for as much information as I could find about the major and the profession, and it was settled. I applied to Temple University with an intended major of Speech Language and Hearing. Throughout undergrad, it seemed, I would learn what I needed to get into graduate school in 2008. I was convinced purely because I told myself I should be that I wanted to be a speech pathologist. Temple accepted me, and so began the whirlwind that I call my trials through undergraduate studies. I need to take a breath before I continue with this story a pause to laugh at myself a bit. You may think that having so many choices makes life easier. I guess I can see why you would think that, but Ive found that it really just makes things more complicated. Dont get me wrong, I love being able to decide whether I want to drive to school or take the train, but sometimes I just want to be told what I should be doing with my life. Now I probably sound lazy and silly but I often feel overwhelmed by all the choices I have in my daily life. The major decisions I have to make, the really important ones, probably shouldnt be left up to someone as indecisive as me. Freshman year began. August 2004. I was living on campus with a girlfriend from high school and two other girls. We were all different majors, all different backgrounds and helped each other as much as possible through our first year of college. I was happy throughout that year with the courses I had been taking. Most of my classes were core for my major and I was happy to have made the right decision. I was taking American Sign Language and an introduction to linguistics course each which helped me realize how much Id enjoy working with speech. I joined NSSLHA the undergraduate organization

4 for pre-speech pathology majors. I had become active and loved every minute of it. I finished my first two semesters with decent grades and satisfaction that I had finally made a solid decision in my life. It wouldnt be long before Id lose that confidence. During sophomore year I was living with a friend who was a double major in dance and psychology. It was hard to determine which she loved more. Shed stay up late studying for her psych classes and ask for my help reading questions directly from her textbooks. Id find myself more interested in her studies than my own. Courses like Psychopathology and The Psychology of Food were more appealing to me than Acoustics and Grammatical Description. I probably should have realized right then that I was destined to be a psychology major, but life is reality, and reality doesnt generally take destiny into consideration. I was doing alright in my classes but as my fourth semester in college rolled around I began to dread going to the courses for my major. It was Basic Speech Science, a course that paired acoustics and how we speak, that broke me. I could care less about the science behind the therapy. I wanted to help people, not watch their voices on a meter. Nave girl that I was I never took into consideration what a speech pathologist has to do besides sitting with a patient and teaching them to talk. I was finished with the major I had been so committed to. Before the end of the semester I had decided to change my major to Kinesiology: the study of human movement; Pre-Physical Therapy. My newest intentions were to eventually be a physical therapist. The summer after my sophomore year I took Psychology as a Natural Science, Temples intro to psychology course. I got an A and enjoyed it more than any class I had taken before. Perhaps this should have been clue number two that I should have changed to psych but when I said my middle name is clueless I was not kidding.

5 My first semester of my new major was the beginning of my junior year. August 2006. I was miserable that semester as I had been nursing a horrible low-back injury from the summer. I was living with a randomly selected roommate, because my best friend had decided to transfer schools, in a sardine-can of a room on the top floor of a twelve-story building. I loved Anatomy and Physiology and found little problems with Biology but, as the year went on and my back continued to get worse, I realized that it would be hard for me to actually perform the duties of a physical therapist. My back injury would be a lifetime ailment, and there would be days during my pending career that Id be unable to properly treat my patients the way theyd need me to. I continued as a pre-pt major for the next semester until I decided that I could no longer take it. I was done with my living situation, my back pain, my leg pain, my major, even finished with Temple University. I made the rash, neurotic decision to change schools. I had no clue what I wanted to do with the rest of my life, and I was terrified. I applied to Arcadia University, a private institution, and in Fall Semester 2007 I was matriculated with 15 credits. I was on the record as a pre-physicians assistant major. I was taking courses that I had already taken at Temple because they were deemed incomparable. I was even more miserable than I had been the year before. Even after surgery the July before, my back was getting worse and somehow I realized how much I loved psychology. I dropped out of Arcadia before midterms that semester. I had lost thousands of dollars but had gained realization that Id always known what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. What better way to help people than to listen to them share whats troubling them the most? I reapplied to Temple, this time writing PSYCHOLOGY under my intended major,

6 with the clarity of the six semesters that were behind me. I was going into my senior year of college with a new major, taking courses with freshmen and sophomores, but I was happy; happier than I had been throughout each of the three years prior. My psychology courses have opened my mind and have inspired me more than I could ever have imagined. During my first semester as a psych major I took a course called Workings of the Mind. It was a survey of the unconscious mind and of perception; a general education elective that happened to be a part the Psychology Department. This is what I was meant to be studying. I was fascinated by the mind and how everyone perceives the world around us so differently. This semester while taking Psychopathology for myself, the course I had helped my roommate study for all those nights two years ago, I am captivated by the abnormalities that can arise in the brain. I know that Id love to work in this field. I am supposed to help others gain clarity throughout hard times. I know that Im not the only college undergrad to change her major, even more than once, and I know that Im not the only one to be in school for more than four years. Yet, it doesnt make it any easier for me. Perhaps things worked out this way for a reason. Maybe reality finally made way for destiny. Or, maybe I just made a good decision for once in my life. Either way, I am surer about wanting to be a psychologist than anything in my entire life, and that is hard for a girl like me to declare. Its such a bold statement for someone who so readily runs from lifes tough decisions. Ive been through a lot in my lifetime that will be useful in a career in counseling. Aside from being approachable, kind and caring, I have the support of my personal experiences to help guide me in helping to treat my future patients.

7 To say I am indecisive is an understatement it has taken me four majors, and will take me five and a half years, to get through undergrad. Throw three years of graduate school into the mix, and I might as well have become a medical doctor. As sure as I am that I love psychology, I still find myself questioning my decision. What if I had stuck with Speech or physical therapies and loved them as much as I think I will love counseling? What if I had decided to become a journalism major instead and continued to write for a living? I love writing as much as I love helping people I could be making a horrible mistake here. I would make a great teacher or nurse. I would make an awesome housewife. What am I doing? Its not just the big decisions in my life that I mull over so intently. Everyday things, like where to go for dinner or what movie to see, are hard for me. While talking to a friend the other day, he said something that summed me up so perfectly: If I was gonna give you an option to go up or down you will sit there and go ummm it doesnt matter, I dont know, you choose its up to you. You always put your decisions on someone else, but why? I wish I could answer that question, but it would require delving into almost two decades of indecision, and ultimately making a decision. Perhaps it is because I am a true peoplepleaser; Id prefer to make others happy than to be happy myself. Maybe its because I truly dont know what I want in my life; I would rather try out as many things possible before making an ultimate, solid decision. I told you Im neurotic even when I make a great decision I second guess myself. One of these days I will stop questioning and just live. Or will I?