THE CHRISTIAN LEADER AND HIS FAMILY Published in PERCEPTION [Published by the Association of Evangelicals of Africa and Madagascar

(A.E.A.M.)] No. 9 JUNE 1977 by Dr. Byang H. Kato One of the great crises that confronts man today is the crisis of leadership. In the TIME magazine of July 15, 1974 the editors asked the question, "Where are the leaders?" One of the articles listed 150 "faces for the future". They were the faces of potential world leaders, all of whom were under 45. Africa with its population of about 400 million had only 6 names on the list - Gatsha Buthelezi, a South African Zulu, Yakubu Gowon of Nigeria, Mwai Kibaki of Kenya, Vernon Mwaanga of Zambia, Mohammed Sayan of Tunisia and Gordon Waddell of South Africa. The U.S.A. with a population of 200 million had 50 names. The need for leaders in the church of Christ is even greater than in the secular world. The qualifications for leadership in the secular world include mental, moral and possibly physical fitness. The church looks for these and more. Spiritual fitness is basic. The church in Africa boasts of some 90 million Christians. But where are the leaders? Thank God that a few qualified men are coming up to meet the challenge. Some potential leaders may qualify in every way but spiritual. Among the many spiritual qualifications needed for a Christian leader is that of the spiritual life of his own family. Charity begins at home. Physician heal thyself. Leader, lead your home first. I. The place of the family in God s plan. A. He established the first family. After God had created all the creatures on the land, sea and air, the three persons of the Trinity resolved to create man. Let us make man in our image, according to our likeness" (Gen.l:26). That likeness in man includes the capacity and burning desire for love and fellowship. Although man was surrounded with perfect beauty all around him, there was still something missing. He could share love and fellowship with God, but there was still a lack. Man needed another creature exactly of his type for the expression of love and fellowship. God Himself saw this need in man. Genesis 2:18 tells us, Then the Lord God said, It is not good for man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him. Man needed a companion and not a competitor; otherwise God would have created another person out of the dust. Man needed a suitable partner, and not a servant or a boss, and that is why God took a rib from Adam's side rather than a bone from his head or from his feet with which to create Eve. In God's plan, He wanted to have a couple who would live together in complete harmony as husband and wife. They would live, each playing his own role, and yet

live as one. So God performed the first wedding. "For this cause a man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave to his wife, and they shall become one flesh" (Gen. 2:24). When our Lord was confronted with a question on the distortion of marriage through divorce, He took them right to this first wedding ceremony (Matt. 19:5). The nature of this ceremony and our Lord's reference to it also implies the marriage of one man and one woman. B. Why God established the family. In God's programme, there are three main reasons for marriage. First, for companionship or fellowship. Since it was not good for man to be alone, then it must be good for man to be with a woman as his wife. Adam considered Eve a part of himself, the best companion he could ever have, so he named her ISHAH (Woman) from SHAH (Man). Perhaps we could have a similar play on words in English by adding WO to MAN - WOMAN. Wow! Woman for Man! Where husband and wife do not see themselves as two best companions, they are not fulfilling God's law for marriage. This alone is sufficient reason to rule out polygamy and child marriage. This also shows that while the young couple should respect their parents' opinion, ultimately the decision for their marriage and conducting their home should depend on them. The Lord God Who instituted their marriage should be the third person in their married life. Marriage according to God's plan should be like a triangle. GOD

MAN _______ WOMAN Communion between the husband and God, and between the wife and God, makes communion between husband and wife meaningful. That is why marriage should take place only between Christian and Christian. The second reason for marriage is sexual enjoyment. A man shall leave his father and mother physically, emotionally, and most obviously, sexually, and be glued together with his wife. Adam and Eve did not have father and mother to separate from. The command, therefore, can have meaning only if we understand that God is speaking about people in the future. It is evident that sexual enjoyment is very much in the thought here. Adam and Eve are described as being both naked and not ashamed. Sex is beautiful, perhaps the best gift God has given man and woman, but limited to husband and wife. The Apostle Paul elaborates on this second reason for marriage. After warning against adultery, Paul gives marriage as the safeguard. "But because of immoralities, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband. Let the husband fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband" (l Cor. 7:2,3). Sex outside marriage is sin against God. Sex within marriage is a duty that partners in marriage owe to each other. Neither the husband nor the wife should deprive the other of this God-given function except by mutual agreement, and that for the purpose of prayer. "Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, that you

may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again lest Satan tempt you because of your lack of self-control" (I Cor. 7:5). The long separation between husbands and wives today is not the most desirable thing. Some of the reasons for such a separation include studies overseas or elsewhere, taking up jobs in different locations, migrant labour in some parts of Africa, inadequate accommodation, business travels and military service. Separation sometimes does become necessary, but it is still not the best for a married couple. Where it is absolutely necessary, there should be a clear understanding between the husband and the wife. When a long separation is due only to the desire to get a little more money the Christian husband wife must be reminded that people matter more than things. No amount of material prosperity can take the place of good fellowship in the home. The third reason for marriage is childbearing. God said to Adam, Be fruitful and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it" ( Gen. 1:28). Although marriage does not always result in child bearing, that is the norm. This is the way God has chosen for human reproduction. It is therefore a legitimate reason for marriage. But let me emphasize that it is not the only reason. So if for some reason the couple cannot have a child, the marriage is still a legitimate one. Sometimes due to ill health or some other physical reason the couple fails to produce children. Unfortunately instead of the Christian couple resting on God's will and adopting a child if need be, they turn to witch doctors. Very often such a case ends up in divorce, polygamy, and lot of heartache. This indefinitely wrong for the Christian. It is doubly wrong for the Christian leader because he not only sins against God, but he becomes a stumbling block to other people as well. If prayer and medical consultations do not make it possible to have a child, the couple should continue to enjoy their marriage in fellowship and sexual enjoyment. If so desired, they should adopt a child or children and make them as much their children as the natural ones. In God's programme, the family is the basic structure of the society. It is also the basic structure of the church. Give me a good Christian home and I will give you a good Christian church. In the Old Testament, God used the analogy of husband and wife to illustrate His covenant-relationship with Israel. The prophet Hosea and his adulterous wife were used to teach spiritual adultery. Israel's worship of pagan gods was compared to Hosea's wife running after other men. In the New Testament, the relationship of God and His church is analogous to that of husband and wife (Eph. 5:22-33). This shows how highly God regards the family. The Apostle Paul was so conscious of the significance of a person's home that he puts as a first priority for the Christian leader the care of his home. But if a man does not know how to manage his own household, how will he take care of the Church of God?(I Tim. 3:5). Some Christian leaders have succeeded as leaders of their church but failed as heads of heir family. This is tragic and dishonouring to the Lord. Some of the so-called success outside the home has served only a temporary purpose. Heartaches have come toward the end of the leader's life. Let us stick to Gods order--the home first. Leader, take care of yourself, your home, and then the church of God. Lead a good example in your life through your children, and then

through the whole church before the world. II. The role of the Christian Leader in the home. God has given man an awesome responsibility in the home where man stands as Christ's representative. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church (Eph. 5:23). It is his responsibility to see that Christ is honoured and worshiped in the home. A. In all that the husband will do, he must look to Jesus Christ as the Pattern of headship over the wife. What a challenge! Christ is perfect, and man is imperfect. Christ is God-Man, and man is only a finite human being Yet man is called upon to be to his wife what Christ has been to the church. Man is limited, yet is challenged to follow the example of Christ. This shows that the husband will never reach that stage of perfection in this life. His love for his wife and devotion to her will always leave more to be desired. So he should continually strive to do better. The call for following Christ as the Pattern, also shows that it takes more than human effort for the husband to be what the Lord would have him to be to his wife. He must therefore be empowered by the Holy Spirit to fulfill this call of God. B. The role of the husband is that of the head. As the head, he is supposed to give direction to the wife and the family as a whole. He is responsible for the healthy running of the family and for its happiness. 1. In Ephesians 5:25-33 the key word for the husband's role is love. Let us consider the love concept on the part of the man. Three Greek words are used for love. Unfortunately, in modern languages the same word is used to translate all three of these words. a. Eros primarily has the idea of sensual love, the feeling of desire. It can mean sexual desire, which also includes the abuse of sex. The word was never used in the New Testament. It can, however, be used in Christian vocabulary to express sexual desire in a proper context. But it is the lowest kind of love. Husband and wife need to have greater love for each other than mere sexual desire. b. Philia is the kind of love that exists between friends or members of the same family. I love my brother because we are related by birth. I love my wife because she will contribute something to my life. This is a kind of sharing life. Philia love should also be found in marriage, but there

Should be more than this kind of love with a condition attached. c. Agape is the word used to describe the nature of God. "God is love" (agape, --1 John 4:8). The same word is also used for God's love for us, not because of who or what we are, but in spite of who we are (1John 4:10 Rom. 5:8). This kind of love is more or less an instinct, yet it is not natural. It is a God-given love, described in 1Cor. 13. It is this kind of love the husband is commanded to have toward his wife. Only this agape love will persist, even when wrinkles and gray hair become manifest. It is this type of love that enabled Hosea to love his unlovable prostitute wife. As Africans, we may not call our wives honey or sugar, we do not have to kiss them in the open, but the Scriptures which are supracultural command us to LOVE our wives with agape-love. May the Lord enable us to love with the kind of love Christ has for the church. 2. Love for the wife will result in two things -- nourishing and cherishing. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes it, just as Christ also does the church" (Eph.5:29). a. Nourishing means bringing up to growth and maturity. This speaks of the nature of the wife, how much she needs the husband's tender love and care. This is what Peter means, when he says, "You husbands likewise, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with a weaker vessel, since she is a woman; and grant her honour as a fellow-heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered" (l Pet. 3:7). The husband should underunderstand the physical condition of his wife. Many African tribes have the practice of the woman carrying the heavy load with a baby on her back while the husband follows behind with empty hands. As the stronger one, he should carry the load. Some of our customs have got to be changed. The husband should understand his wifes emotional stress and the tensions she goes through during pregnancy and her regular periods. She needs his understanding and encouragement at such times. Most Africans husbands are better educated than their wives. Unfortunately the gap continues to widen instead of narrowing after marriage. The husband should encourage the wife to improve her education. She would do this better if she didnt have to carry a baby every year. Delaying having many children right away and spacing them should be seriously considered by the couple. In spiritual things, the husband may have had the opportunity of better training. Greater enthusiasm on his part may have given him greater maturity in the faith. Try then to help your wife through your devotional life and informal discussions. Share with her about your work.

b. Love for the wife should result in cherishing her. The word means literally "to keep her warm". This speaks of caring for her needs materially and otherwise. It is the primary responsibility of the husband as the head of the family to provide for the wife and the children. The Apostle Paul has some strong words of condemnation for a father who does not fulfill this responsibility. "But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever" (1Tim. 5:8). This verse condemns anyone who selfishly neglects his family. A professing Christian who neglects his family is compared to an unbeliever. The kind of faith claimed by such a Christian is just like the type of faith condemned by James as being barren, and therefore no faith at all. Good works are necessary to back up faith. These good works must begin at home. While caring for one's relatives is commended, a person's primary responsibility is to his household, his own family. Ones wife and children must come first. I have heard of a situation where a person's wife and children were starving; because this individual was sending money home to parents to fulfill the demands of their culture. This is wrong. It is the Christian's duty to care for the wife and the children first, then the extended family. III. The role of the wife. Much of what I have said about the husband can be said of the wife. She should love him with agape love, in spite of his weaknesses. She should bear in mind the triangle of God-husband-wife in Christian marriage. GOD

HUSBAND_________WIFE

The husband now takes the place of her father and mother. In that way she follows the line of Sarah who called her husband Abraham, master. "Thus Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, and you have become her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear" (1 Pet. 3:6).

The key thought in regard to the wife's relationship is that of subjection (Eph. 5:22). The idea of subjection is not that of a superior and an inferior. It is the idea of a role

of complete devotion to the husband with a great deal of respect. As a matter of fact, both husband and wife are to submit to each other (Eph. 5:2l). The wife should be devoted to her husband, become interested in his ministry, and advise in a spirit of love and humility. She should comfort him and encourage him, especially, when he comes home from facing the tensions and frustrations of dealing with all kinds of people. The Christian husband should always look forward to returning home from work rather than dreading it. The attitude of the wife, and her housekeeping and cleanliness all contribute to whether the husband will look forward to returning home or to staying away from home. This raises the question of a woman working. The following principles derived from Proverbs 31:10-31 should be a guide. A. The woman's first priority is the care of her husband, verses 11, 12. As to whether she should or should not work depends on whether the work will contribute to the interests of the husband. Employment for some women has meant a drifting farther and farther apart between the husband and the wife. It gives to the wife a degree of independence. Some wives insist on sending their salary to their parents. If the husband interferes, it brings about a serious problem that may end up in divorce. This has in some cases, meant loose living on the part of the wife. This is not in the interest of the husband. It has no place in a Christian home. But in the case where the two agree as to their respective roles, the income of the wife will supplement that of the husband and improve their standard of living. It saves the wife from unnecessary boredom at home. It increases her ability to discuss with her hustand on current issues. Such a situation will help the husband. B. The care for the children is the second consideration, verse 15, The children must not be allowed to suffer because the mother is working. To consistently leave the children under the care of an illiterate, perhaps non-Christian babysitter is not the best way to raise children. To distribute children to relatives all over the country regardless of their faith and love for children is also bad for the family. It is advisable for a young mother to refrain from working until the children are grown up. Although the womans place is not exclusively in the home, it certainly is primarily. Her husband and children must come first, and outside employment last. She should prepare good meals for the family. She should sew their torn clothes, keep them neat, and keep the home clean. C. The testimony of a wife should not be her jewels or clothes. It should be her husband's and her children's praise, verse 28. She should be such a wife and mother that they will be proud of her.

D. Finally, a good housewife should be known by her wisdom, verses 26, 30. It is not worldly wisdom expressed by gossip. Wisdom in the book of Proverbs is described as the fear of God. A good Christian wife will no doubt enhance the ministry of her husband. A carnal Christian wife will make the husband's ministry less effective. Some men of God have failed in God's call because of their wives. May it not be so with you. IV. The role of parents in the home (Eph. 6:4) A. Awareness of the awful responsibility in bringing children into the world is essential. God is going to hold us responsible for every child we have as to whether we have earnestly done our best in teaching them through our words and deeds. Every child deserves to be loved and cared for by the parents. That is why the parents should see that they produce children only when they are prepared to love and care for them. B. Parents should not provoke their children to anger. Your children should also be your playmates. Do not yell at the little girl trying to help in the kitchen. Do not shout at your son, "go to your mother", because you are busy fixing your motorcycle. Show your child consistently that you care for him as a person. C. Parents should discipline their children when the occasion demands it. But never do so when you are angry. Help the child to understand the cause of his discipline. I have observed two extremes. Many white people are too free with their children. The psychological theory of permissiveness allowing the child too much freedom has pervaded the West. The other extreme in Africa is that many fathers have become dictators. The child fears the father because he always identifies his with a whip. Maintain the balance. Love the child, play with him, yet discipline him. D. Parents should instruct the child. Instruction comes in formal and informal ways. It comes through actions as well as word. The total life of the parents in the home is a classroom for the child.

Conclusion Many great men of God both in the Bible and outside the Bible have succeeded, as individuals but failed as heads of families. Eli, Samuel and David are some of the examples. But many others have succeeded in both areas. We can name Abraham, Job and Philip. Satan

lurks behind the cross. If he fails to get the father, he works on the son. But our Lord has promised to be with us (Matt. 28:20). Remember again the order of priority in your witness for Christ-- yourself, your family, the church and the world. And of course above all else, the Lord should always come first in our lives. Here is God's requirement of a Christian leader: "He must be one who manages his own household well, keeping his children under control with all dignity. But if a man does not know how to manage his own household, how will he take care of the church of God?" (l Tim. 3:4,5). What Makes a Home Christian? Where family prayer is daily said, God's Word is regularly read, And faith in Christ is never dead, That is a Christian, home. Where father, mother, sister, brother, All have love for one another, And no one ever hates the other, That is a Christian home. Where Jesus Christ is Host and Guest, Through whom we have eternal rest, And in Him are forever blest, That is a Christian home But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord (Joshua 24:15).