Healing and Reconciliation with the help of the horses at

RELAtionsHip RAncH
sEE stoRY nEXt pAgE

68

A Distinctive style . com

A Distinctive style . com

69

by mAtt kRAmER

www.gRounDwoRkcoLoRADo.com www.mYBRAintHERApist.com/RELAtionsHip_RAncH tention he needed. Message: it is ok to be angry but may not be safe for horses or people to be around you during your anger. Relationship Ranch in Louisville, Colorado, is run by equine therapists Lottie Grimes and Nancy Hamilton. They have found their four legged associates to be extremely effective partners in their therapeutic practice. Almost everyone who owns a cat or a dog can share a story about how their pets have tuned into their pain and provided solace during difficult times. Horses have those same sensibilities; highly sensitive and astute instincts that serve them well as they assess whether the human standing before them is a friend or a threat. In their interview with A Distinctive Style, Hamilton and Grimes shared several stories about seemingly miraculous interactions between their horses and their clients. Unlike the patriarchal norm for most human cultures today, a horse herd in the wild operates within a matriarchy. An older, wiser alpha mare who has earned the trust of the herd decides when the herd will move, where they will stop to eat and, when food is scarce, who gets first access to that food. Rather than keeping their horses penned in separate stalls, Hamilton and Grimes work to replicate a natural environment for the herd. While this approach may not be ideal for a number of reasons, the presumption is that it helps the horses to be minimally affected by their proximity to humans, allowing more of their natural instincts to be available. Linguist Deborah Tannen, a researcher of gender communication styles, asserts that men and women tend to use distinctly unique verbal cues and body language in their communication. Such differences in style often complicate and interfere with communication between couples and within families in conflict. Horses have no interest in mixed messages and subtext; they require their humans to be very present, in the moment and very clear in expressing what they want. While humans often talk themselves out of their gut feelings, horses rely on gut feelings that, over millions of years, were critical for making the right survival decisions. This dynamic was very telling in the tale of a couple that came for help in their relationship. The alpha mare was very friendly with the wife but would not go near the husband, nor would she allow any of the other horses to come over to him. Later the wife confidentially revealed to the therapists that she experienced physical and emotional abuse in the relationship. Couples and families who have come to Relationship Ranch to work on their issues, go through exercises with the horses, learning to lead and direct them, not with a rope or bridle, but through intention and body language. If the clients are unclear, unsure or posturing in any way, the horses will not cooperate. Grimes related a story about a couple struggling with power issues related to money management. Their history included the husband's presumption that he was more experienced and better equipped to make the financial decisions for the family. Integrating a dialogue about money management with a session directing a horse around the pen, the husband couldn't help but notice that his wife's ideas were more effective at getting results with the horse. This contributed to a more equal balance of power between the couple, leading to a significant improvement in their relationship. A horse will not do what you ask it to do unless there is respect with the request. The client has to earn the respect of the horse. Horses ask clients to mean what they say, and say what they mean. Clients have to try things out, see what works; trial and error is ok. Horses live in the moment, as they ask you to do, and they generally are forgiving as you're learning how to work with them. When you learn to be as open, present and respectful with your family as you have to be with a horse, you can experience miraculous improvements in your relationships. See Grimes and Hamilton in action in an amazing video on Nightline by clicking the video link above. Youll see how a couple close to the breaking point achieves healing and reconciliation with the help of the horses of Relationship Ranch.
A Distinctive style . com

n a horse pen in Colorado, an angry young boy cannot find the words to express his feelings to his therapist. A stallion, the biggest, most powerful horse in the herd, comes over and stands a few yards away. The therapist looks at the horse and turns back to the boy. "Sol has come over to help you. I understand you cannot talk to me; will you talk to Sol?" The boy nods; the therapist walks away. The boy starts talking to the horse, then starts to cry. The stallion, weighing over half a ton, walks over to the boy and puts his head down to the boy's level. After a while, the boy stops crying, gets angry and throws a handful of sand towards the fence. Sol moves back a few yards and stands watching. After a moment, the therapist returns to the boy. She asks if he would like to try and get Sol to come back. The boy nods; the therapist leaves. The boy throws another handful of sand, then starts to cry. Sol returns, puts his head down again and waits patiently until the boy stops crying. This time, when the therapist returns, the boy is calm and spent, and appears to be much less distressed. In that session, the boy learned that sadness was not weakness and that he could get more of what he wanted when he was "real." By being in tune and acknowledging his vulnerability, instead of masking his pain with rage and anger, he would be better able to get the at-

70

A Distinctive style . com

71