T he W ilder S hores of Love Madeleine K er

CHAP TE R ONE HE MUS T have been s tanding in the s treet all the tim e s he was in the dealers hous e, though s he hadnt notic ed him . S hed been feeling ill, of c ours e. E very day it s eem ed to c om e on s ooner, m ore urgently, a build-up of fear and hunger that s he c ouldnt fight. T hat was partly why s hed been c areles s . Not that it really m attered, for even if s he had notic ed him that afternoon, and had m anaged to take evas ive ac tion of s om e kind, he would s im ply have waited for another tim e and another plac e. A s it was , s he was only half aware of the m an who was s tanding by the glos s y blac k railings as s he walked down the s tairs from the s m artly m odernis ed V ic torian hous e, the little white pac ket s afely hidden in her bag. T he c hill autum n wind s wept her dark hair m om entarily ac ros s her fac e, a s weetly oval, nineteen-year-old fac e that s om etim es held the m ys terious c alm of a m adonnas , but whic h was now pale and troubled. In the s evere blac k c oat, Margot P res c ott s eem ed alm os t frail. T he beautiful lines of her tem ples , c heekbones and throat were em phas is ed as m uc h by her pallor as by the weight s hed los t rec ently. Had s he worn m ake-up to ac c entuate a full m outh and s loe-blac k eyes , s he m ight have been s trikingly beautiful, even dram atic ally s o. A little m ake-up would als o have m ade it even harder to tell that the frail quality was real, not as s um ed. S he s tepped pas t the railings on long, elegant legs . Her m ind was already c onc entrating its elf on where s he c ould s afely take the firs t quarter. S he needed it badly. S hed left it far too long, out of s om e s tupid bravado. K idding hers elf s he didnt have to rus h. S he was s tarting to feel terrible. W hen the tall m an took her arm firm ly, s he felt s hoc k s queeze her heart. One m om ent. S he gave a little gas p. Y es ? He was tall, in a beautiful fawn B urberry. S he didnt rec ognis e him at all; it was a s ophis tic ated, intens ely m as c uline fac e, but als o a dangerous fac e. T he grey eyes were m os t dangerous of all. A gains t the burned-honey tan of his s kin, they were as c lear and deep as A lpine lake water. Y ou c ould s ink into them , los e yours elf in their depths . Give it to m e, pleas e. Give you wh-what? He s m iled, but it didnt touc h his eyes . Oc tober weather is nt good enough to was te tim e in, Margot. T he heroin. Give it to m e, pleas e. He knew her nam e. A profes s ional, then. Narc otic s S quad. Oh hell. Margot had no s trength to argue. Feeling des pair was h over her, s he fum bled in her bag and pas s ed him the pac kage. He weighed it briefly in his palm , the ic y eyes holding hers s o c om pellingly that s he c ouldnt look away. A gram ? he as ked. Margot nodded, feeling s ic k to her heart. He didnt glanc e at the pac kage, jus t twis ted it open between finger and thum b, and s c attered the white powder on to the gras s underfoot. S he whim pered at the was te, feeling the need c lawing vic ious ly at her nerves . T hen, as realis ation dawned, s he turned to him with a twis ted s m ile. T heres your evidenc e gone, at any rate. Margot drew a s haky breath, m eeting the as s es s ing eyes . Y ouve got nothing on m e now, have you? S hed really thought s he was going to be arres ted, and her legs were wobbly with delayed s hoc k. S he tried to pull her arm free. B ut either he was num bingly s trong, or there was no res is tanc e left in her m us c les . Let m e go! Not jus t yet. T he s m oky-s m ooth voic e had a hus ky underc urrent. S he was nt s o s ure about him , now. He didnt have a polic em ans s tyle, and a polic em ans s alary didnt extend to the kind of c lothes he was wearing. W ho are you? s he as ked tightly. W e need to talk, he s aid eas ily. My c ars jus t around the bloc k. T he thic k blac k hair had been c ut in Curzon S treet, with no attem pt to m inim is e the dis tinguis hed s ilver s treaks that put his age at s om ewhere in his early thirties . It was the unm is takable authority in his fac e, though, that m arked him as infinitely older, m ore powerful than s he. I I have an appointm ent. No, you havent, he c ontradic ted, as though the idea am us ed him . Let m e go, s he c hallenged uns teadily, or Ill s c ream Now, now. He turned her around to fac e down the s treet. T here was a polic e c ar parked a few hundred yards away. T here afe two effic ient young bobbies in that c ar, praying for s om ething exc iting to happen, he s aid gently. Im s ure theyd be very interes ted in you not to m ention your pharm ac eutic al friend in the ups tairs flat. Num bly, s he let him walk her to the inters ec tion. A re you are you a dealer? s he as ked. Com e on. His eyes glittered. Do I look like that kind of filth? J us t keep walking, Margot. H-how do you know m y nam e? It m eans pearl. He was s till s m iling, es c orting her along with the eas y grac e of a lover, nothing to indic ate that there was any c om puls ion involved. Ive always loved the nam e. A pearl from the wilder s hores of love. He c onfus ed her. T he bringdown of s eeing the heroin s c attered had brought her need leaping up into her throat, like a raging thirs t. T he pain was s tarting again, s harper along the branc hes of her nerves . S he wanted a fix. Now. W ho the hell are you? Dont was te your tim e s truggling. S he was s till feebly trying to wres t her arm loos e from his gras p. I dont intend you any harm . B ut there was an as s ured power about every m ove he m ade whic h told her he was going to have his way with her, no m atter what his intentions were. Four oc loc k on a Friday afternoon in late autum n, the s un s etting through the trees in the park, an orange s treak dying in the prom is e of a wet weekend. A light s pattering of rain drifted into her fac e. It was all bec om ing dream like, everything exc ept the relentles s build-up of need in her. T hey c ros s ed, s till arm -in-arm towards the c ar park. Get in the c ar, pleas e. It was an anthrac ite-grey Merc edes c oupe with tinted glas s and a private regis tration-plate. A nonym ous and fas t. Margot s topped in her trac ks , res is ting the s m ooth power of his arm with real alarm . W here exac tly are you taking m e? Y ou havent s hown m e any kind of identific ation! T he s m ile he gave her was m oc king. B e fair. Have I as ked y ou for identific ation? He was between her and the opened door of the Merc edes now, bloc king her es c ape. T he m an m oved with the ec onom ic al prec is ion of an expert doing s om ething very fam iliar. T here was unm is takable m enac e in the pantherine s m oothnes s of his m ovem ents . Get in. T he c ar park was alm os t em pty but for whirling leaves . S he had no c hoic e but to obey. Unas ham edly, he s tudied her legs as s he s wung them over the s ill. Y ou s hould have been a danc er, pearl. He s lam m ed the door s hut on her, im pris oning her in the luxurious ly s c ented interior. Num bly, s he s aw that there was no opening button on her door. P anic flooded her, tightening her lungs in an iron grip, but it took him only s ec onds to s tride round the c ar and s lide into the drivers s eat bes ide her. P leas e tell m e who you are, s he s aid, her voic e uneven. Im a friend. S he s earc hed his fac e again for s om e glim m er of fam iliarity, but there was none. It was c om pletely s trange to her; alien, m ale and hars h. Margot tried to keep her voic e level, her tone reas onable. S he needed to s tay c alm . My friends dont treat m e like this . S he s hould have c alled his bluff about the polic e. P eople who us ed heroin were frighteningly vulnerable. B ut s hed been too dis orientated to really unders tand what was happening to her. I c ant rem em ber ever having m et you in m y life! T hat is nt im portant right now. He s tarted the c ar, and drove out of the des erted c ar park. A t the end of Ovens tone T errac e he turned into the arterial route through North London. A t four oc loc k on this Friday evening, the traffic was building up s teadily. How are you feeling? he as ked, s c attering too-s low pedes trians with ruthles s s kill. Margots throat was dry enough to m ake s wallowing painful. I want to be out of here, s he s aid hus kily. Her fingers c lenc hed round the door handle in a s pas m of c laus trophobia. I dont feel well. Y oure going to feel wors e, he inform ed her c alm ly. Y ou m ight as well s tart getting us ed to it. Get los t, s he thought s avagely, but kept the words to hers elf. W here exac tly are you taking m e? s he dem anded, aloud. Y ouve won a free holiday for one in the heart of the c ountry. He didnt even look at her as he ac c elerated s m oothly through a gap in the traffic . Y oure going to love it. T ry and relax. Rec ite a m antra. Dont treat m e like a c hild! s he s napped with a flas h of anger. S he abandoned her futile effort to open the door, and huddled into her wool c oat. S he c ould s c arc ely believe what had happened in the pas t few m inutes ; s hed been pic ked up and blown along like a leaf in a gale. W hy are you interfering in m y life? Y our life, he repeated with irony s m ooth as a razors edge. W ell, its been s uc h a dazzling s uc c es s s o far that I thought Id s top you and find out your s ec ret. S he turned to him , pas s ion flaring s m okily in her dark eyes . How dare you talk to m e like that? A h. He s pared her a c oolly m oc king glanc e. S o there is life after heroin addic tion. Im not an addic t! B ut Margots m om ent of c ourage was already draining away as the anxiety ros e. E very nerve was beginning to tighten like the s trings of a torm ented violin. It would take a few m ore hours for the m is ery to really take hold. S he knew, from the tim es s hed tried to give heroin up. Uns uc c es s fully. S he s tared out of the window at the rainy autum n s treets . T he s hiny pavem ents and bright s hops were s till c rowded with las t-m inute s hoppers . T his was like a dream . Like being in a film . W atc hing s om e plot unfold around yours elf, and not knowing where on earth it would all lead. W hat did you do in a s ituation like this ? S c ream and kic k, and try to m ake him c ras h the c ar? S he was nt frantic enough for that. It was nt jus t that her em otions were flat and c olourles s thes e days , the drug preventing her from feeling anything properly; the m an bes ide her had handled her with the eas e of a m as ter hors em an no fus s , no bother. A nd no pos s ibility of res is tanc e. T he fac es in the c ars around them were inc urious , intent on getting hom e to hot dinners in the s uburbs . It oc c urred to her vaguely that s he c ould bang on the glas s , wave frantic ally for help, but s om ehow s he knew s he would only look abs urd even if anyone were to notic e her through the tinted glas s of the Merc edes . S o s he s at in s ilenc e, with nothing to s ay, and kept s taring out of the window. W ithin ten m inutes , s he had s tarted to s hiver, des pite the warm th of the c ar. A n ic y c old was s tarting to take her in a vic e-like grip. Here. W ithout taking his eyes off the road, he pas s ed her a s m all tortois es hell box. Ins ide were two innoc ent- looking white tablets , like as pirins . W ha S he s wallowed painfully. W hat are they? P epperm ints . A rs enic . Does it m atter? Of c ours e it m atters ! Its phys eptone. T ake it. W hats phys eptone? Y oud probably know it as Methadone. Her fingers were s haking as s he pic ked the pills up. S he knew that they would bring relief. It was us ed to help addic ts c om e off hard drugs . Margot felt the naus ea ris ing ins ide. S he wanted to fling the tablets away, c urs e him . T ell him s he didnt need the dam ned s tuff. B ut there was no way s he c ould refus e them . S he took the pills , her throat dry, and lay bac k, c los ing her eyes in exhaus tion. T he Methadone helped to plac e him , at any rate. It was a drug as s oc iated with hos pitals , therapeutic c om m unities , that kind of thing. Do-gooders . Y ouve los t weight, he c om m ented in that s m ooth, m atterof-fac t way he had. How do you know? s he enquired. Y our father s howed m e pic tures of you. Oh S urpris e flic kered in her. Did you know him ? I was a friend. W ere you? S he rubbed her ac hing tem ples with her fingertips , her m ind s truggling with this new line of thought. W hats your nam e? A dam K orda. A dam K orda T here had been s o m any people whod had c ontac ts with her father. S he c ouldnt pic k this m ans fac e or nam e out of the fres h pain of her m em ory. Maybe, at leas t, he was nt a ps yc hopath or a rapis t. B ut who the hell was he, then? W hat does all this have to do with m y father? Margot dem anded, pulling her c oat c los e around her s hivering body.

He s m iled s lightly. Lets s ay Im doing s om ething on his behalf. S om ething I think he would have done him s elf if he hadnt died. T he m us c les of his thigh puls ed as he had to brake hard. W om en drivers , he m uttered, and s wung the wheel to overtake an erring Fiat. S om ething he would have done A n attem pt to wean m e away from m y wic ked ways ? s he as ked drily, s tudying his tanned profile. T hats not a bad as s es s m ent. A h Unders tanding s tarted to dawn out of the darknes s . W as that what this extraordinary c harade was leading to? I begin to s ee. A nd where exac tly are you taking m e? S om e kind of drug rehabilitation c entre, I pres um e. S om ething like that, he agreed. T hank God. For the firs t tim e s inc e s hed got into the c ar, Margot unc lenc hed her fis ts . Her hands were c lam m y, little half- m oons c ut into the palm s by frightened fingernails . P ent- up fear s tarted to ebb away now, and s he s lum ped bac k. Y ou s c ared m e half to death, Mr A dam K orda, s he s aid with a little gas p of laughter. I thought I was being dragged off to s om e horrible fate. Is this the way you always do bus ines s ? W hen the oc c as ion c alls for it, he s aid c alm ly. Drowning people s om etim es put up quite a s truggle. Oh, how bloody ridic ulous , s he s aid tiredly. J us t bec aus e s om eone has a c ouple of drinks , you dont c all A lc oholic s A nonym ous ! T heres a c ertain qualitative differenc e between a c ouple of drinks and a budding heroin habit, he s aid m ildly, pus hing a tape into the radio-c as s ette-player. Ive told you, Im not an addic t! Find a euphem is m , then, he s aid with a hint of m ature am us em ent s he didnt like. Us er? Dependent? W hat I do with m y life is m y own bus ines s , s he s aid s ullenly. S he s tudied the anim al quality that lurked in the c orners of his eyes , his nos trils , the s lant of his m outh. He was us ed to c om m anding other m en, that was evident in every line. J us t who do you im agine you are? s he s neered. T he white knight res c uing the dam s el from the dragon? In this c as e, the dragon is white, he s aid c alm ly. A nd the dam s el appears to be too s tupid to know s hes in dis tres s . A nother angry retort had ris en to her lips , but a languorous c alm was s tealing through her veins now. T he Methadone was m aking her float, leaving everything behind her. S he s ighed, tens e s houlders relaxing as the pain of heroin withdrawal eas ed away. He glanc ed at her quic kly. Feeling better? Margot nodded, her hos tility alm os t gone now. V ery tired. T hen s leep. My driving terrifies m os t people anyway, and its a long journey. T heres a rug on the bac k s eat. S he fum bled for the warm woollen travelling rug, and huddled into its c om fort. T he floating s ens ation was gathering forc e, m aking everything els e s eem unim portant. Margot rolled her head bac k agains t the s eat with another s igh. T he drug was s trong. A re they expec ting m e at this nurs ing hom e? Y es . I dont w ant to go! T he Methadone had s oftened her dic tion, s lurred it, and it was hard to injec t any real anger into her voic e. Ive got a c hoic e, you know. T his is nt Nazi Germ any. A nd I dont want to go to this plac e! Y ou havent s een it yet, he pointed out. Its c om pletely m ad, s he groaned. W hat have you told them about m e? T hat you need help. S he s norted. A nd you expec t m e to drop everything and go on s om e kind of res t-c ure? J us t how long are you expec ting m e to s tay? T heres no hurry, he s aid gently, glanc ing out of the window at the golden glim m ering of the s uns et. Y ou dont have any pres s ing engagem ents , do you? Margot felt dis quiet ris e ins ide her, des pite the Methadone, like a fis h ris ing to the s urfac e of a dark pool. Dam n him , s he thought num bly. He knew m ore about her than s he liked. He was taking her to s om e unknown plac e, to be treated by unknown people. If only s he c ould c lear her m ind. B ut the Methadone was m aking her float away from it all, loos ening the s inews of her m ind. S he c ouldnt keep her eyes open. Mr K orda A dam . A dam , then. I s uppos e you think youre doing s om ething very noble and worthwhile. Y oure only was ting your tim e and m ine. I dont need anyones help. No? No, s he ec hoed, hearing the irony in his tone. A s s oon as you drop m e off there, s he told him s leepily, Im going to walk s traight out and get the firs t train or bus bac k hom e. I dont think s o. S om ething in the quiet way he s aid it m ade her open her eyes m om entarily. Y ou know, s he c om plained, with a las t flas h of s harpnes s , I dont think Ive ever m et anyone s o dam ned s ure of him s elf in m y life. No, he s aid c alm ly, I dont s uppos e you have. S he c ouldnt fight the Methadone any longer, it was far too s trong. S he felt the welc om ing wings of s leep folding around her, and drifted into the darknes s . God, its c old. T he words were jus t a whim per. S hed been c urled up on the s eat with her legs drawn up, and it was only when s he was fully awake that s he realis ed that the tall m an and the grey c ar hadnt been a dream . It was dark, the Merc edes brilliant headlam ps s tabbing along a hedgerow-lined c ountry road. T he rim of the m oon glittered s ilver high above the trees . S he c ould s till feel the Methadone in her s ys tem , and s he s at up s tiffly. A dam s fac e was dim ly lit by the glow from the das hboard ins trum ents , and s he c aught the glint of his eyes as he glanc ed her way. I thought I heard you s tir. How are you feeling? Not very good, Margot s aid hus kily. How long have I been as leep? T hree or four hours . A s trong hand reac hed for her wris t, fingers s eeking the warm puls e of life there. S he let him m eas ure it in s ilenc e. S he s hould have s tayed awake. S he was in the hands of a m an who m ight well be c razy, des pite his c laim s , or dangerous , or both. He touc hed her forehead. Y oure getting a tem perature. Margot rubbed her ic y arm s , huddling into the rug. Im s o c old. Cant you turn up the heating? Its hot enough in here, he c ontradic ted. A ny hotter and youre going to s tart m elting. T he c old is ins ide you. Cons idering the power of the Merc edes , they c ould be alm os t anywhere in E ngland by now. W here are we? s he as ked. Is there m uc h further to go? Only a few m ore m iles . Good, s he thought grim ly. A s s oon as s he c ould s ee a doc tor, s om eone in authority, s hed tell them s he was there under c om puls ion. S hed ins is t s he be taken bac k to London im m ediately. T here would be hell to pay when s he inform ed them how s hed been virtually kidnapped there. Res tles s ly, s he dem anded, W hos in c harge of this this plac e? T im e enough to s ort that out when we arrive, he replied. His profile was dark, but s he rem em bered A dam K ordas brilliant grey eyes and c om m anding m outh all too well. S he s hook her head, s uddenly aware that s he was c rum pled and c ram ped after the hours in the c ar. S he was going to be m eeting people, s oon. S he m us tnt give the im pres s ion of being a s qualid junkie. S he found her brus h in her bag, and tried to c om b her hair into a s em blanc e of order. Hed probably told them to expec t a hopeles s addic t, and s hed enjoy m aking Mr K orda look a fool. S he als o found her perfum e, and s prayed ic y c louds on to her throat and wris ts . T he c ar filled with the flowery s m ell of Dioris s ima. S he s ens ed, rather than heard, his c huc kle. W hats s o funny? s he dem anded irritably. Y oure all wom an, he s aid, s till s m iling. I like that fragranc e. W hat is it? Y ou know everything els e about m e, s he c om m ented ac idly, Im s urpris ed you dont know that. T he headlights lit up a c ros s roads . S he was too late to c atc h the nam es on the s ignpos ts , exc ept one: Harc ourt. S hed never heard of it. A tiny village, probably. T he thought s uddenly s truc k her that the Methadone would eventually wear off, and that s hed been a long tim e without heroin. If s he didnt get a fix, a proper fix, s hed s oon be in bad trouble. W ould they give her s om ething at the plac e? Dam n! Her ins is tenc e that s he was nt an addic t would be rather tarnis hed by a reques t for drugs . B es ides , m edic al people were reluc tant to give heroin out to addic ts , s he knew that from her res earc h into the drugs s c ene. B ut theyd have to give her s om ething. W ouldnt they? S he put the perfum e bac k into her bag. T oo bad about that good im pres s ion. S he didnt have any c hoic e; s hed hav e to as k them to give her s om ething A bout half a m ile onwards , they reac hed a broad pair of wrought-iron gates . W ith elec tronic obedienc e, they s wung apart to let the Merc edes purr through into the es tate beyond. Margot s at in s ilenc e, s training her eyes to c atc h glim ps es of the parkland they were driving through. T he towering s hapes of great trees loom ed in the headlights , beyond the tangled walls of rhododendrons that lined the drive. A n owl s wooped s ilently ac ros s their path, and was gone in the inky blac knes s . T his was a very exc lus ive ins titution, judging by the grounds alone. B ut there were no s igns of hum an life at all, no lights , no c ars or buildings . Only a large s ign every few hundred yards , warning; P leas e Drive S lowly Hors es . S uddenly s he gas ped, her eyes widening to take in the ghos tly s hapes of a dozen deer c ros s ing the road ahead of them . A dam s topped the c ar, and Margot watc hed in s ilent awe as the beautiful rus s et c reatures pas s ed through the light of the headlam ps . T he s tag, a m agnific ent anim al with antlers like m anybranc hed c andelabra, followed in the rear. He paus ed for a m om ent, m ajes tic in the light, his eyes s hining s ilver as he s tared at the c ar. In the m agic of the m om ent, s he even forgot the gnawing pain that was building up ins ide. T hen, breathtakingly grac eful, he s prang into the dark, and was gone. W hat is this plac e? Margot as ked in a whis per as the c ar s tarted forward again. Is it really a drug rehabilitation c entre? Indeed. W ere nearly at the lodge. T he headlights s wept along the fac ade of a s tone-built c ottage s et am ong venerable beec hes . T here were no lights s howing. A dam s topped, and revers ed towards the c ottage. Is this it? Margot as ked, c raning her nec k to s ee through the darknes s . W ere hom e, he agreed eas ily. He pulled up on the gravel, s witc hed off the engine, and while s he s tared at him s peec hles s ly, he s tretc hed his powerful s houlders with a deep, quiet s igh. Hom e, s weet hom e. B ut but theres no one here! T here is now. He unloc ked her door, but Margot was in no hurry to m ove. S hoc k was s till s preading through her. T here is a hos pital s om ewhere, is nt there? s he s aid, alm os t pleadingly. Com e on. He opened the door and s wung his tall fram e out. Feeling s tiff and horribly weak, s he let hers elf out. T he evening air was c ool, m aking her s hiver. A dam was taking two large pigs kin s uitc as es from the boot. He s lam m ed the lid down, and led her towards the ivy-fringed front door. T his is a bad dream , s he whis pered, looking at the des erted c ottage. Her notions of im pres s ing an awaiting s taff were fading rapidly. It m us t be. W hat in Gods nam e are we going to do here? S ee a lot of eac h other, for one thing. B right lights flic ked on, illum inating the pretty fa$ade of the hous e. S he c aught his wic ked grin, and then he was us hering her ins ide. T he rec eption-room was s im ply but elegantly furnis hed, its walls roughly plas tered in E lizabethan s tyle, its c eiling low and tim bered with m as s ive oak beam s . S everal paintings of hors es hung on the walls , s om e of them evidently eighteenth-c entury, and obvious ly very valuable. A pair of fenc ing foils were c ros s ed on one wall, below a rac k of s hotguns . T he s tone inglenook fireplac e was big enough to ac c om m odate a roas ting ox. Now it held a S c andinavian woodburning s tove dec orated with c as t polar bears , and A dam s et a m atc h to the pile of logs ins ide it. A s the flam es leaped eagerly along the kindling, he ros e to s tudy her. S he was s till gaping around her, her heart thudding heavily agains t her ribs . W here were the m edic s , the nurs es , the c linic , the c lean white c orridors of her im agining? T he need s urged in her, m aking her s tart s hivering again. T he Methadone was wearing off s lightly now. S he felt as though s he were los ing her buoyanc y, beginning to s ink in c old water. Give m e your c oat. S he didnt res is t as he helped her off with her c oat. He was very tall, taller than s hed rem em bered. T he grey eyes that

looked down on her were penetrating, as s es s ing. S he flinc hed as he brus hed the dark hair away from her tem ples . A pity, he s aid s oftly. Y ou would be s o beautiful if you didnt look s o ill. A s s he s tared up into his fac e, Margot felt that there was s om ething alien, rem ote about A dam K orda. S om ething that belonged to m ountains , des erts , high and s avage plac es . Had s he been taken c aptive by a fanatic , a dangerous and unbalanc ed m an? Fear twis ted her s tom ac h. T ears were s uddenly dangerous ly c los e, and s he had to fight them down. W hat are you going to do to m e? s he as ked jerkily. W here are the doc tors ? W here are the s taff? W hy is nt there anyone els e here? I need another pill! I have to have s om ething, now! No. T he c alm refus al was like a s lap in the fac e. W hy not? s he dem anded angrily. B ec aus e Methadones addic tive. T hats not a very funny joke, s he s napped. I thought you were s uppos ed to be helping m e? Her im perious tone didnt m ove A dam in the s lightes t. It is nt a joke. A nd I am helping you. His m outh was deeply, s ens uous ly c arved. B ut there was no s oftnes s in it. God knows youre inc apable of helping yours elf. J us t one m ore, s he pleaded. Reality was flooding in now, and with it pain and fear. S he didnt bother to try and lie about how dependent s hed bec om e on the white powder, now. Neither to him , nor to hers elf. Odd, s he thought with a rem ote, c old c orner of her m ind. W hen youd taken the s tuff, you were s ure you c ould do without it. It was only when it s tarted wearing off that you knew you c ouldnt. S he opened dry lips . One m ore Methadone. P leas e. S he tried to s ound adult, in c ontrol of hers elf. I need s om ething, now. Y oure going to have to s top thinking about drugs , he s aid, his denial not unfriendly, jus t unm oved. A nd youre going to have to s tart fac ing up to a life without them . S he felt the nerveways tightening all along her body, s lowly, inexorably. T welve hours without heroin. Margot s ank into the s ofa behind her, her hands trem bling as s he hugged hers elf. Lis ten, s he s aid s hakily, you c ant keep m e here very long. No m atter what you want to do. Y ou c an/. S he s wallowed painfully. Y ouve got to unders tand I I need s om ething. S oon. Finis hed? T hen Ill m ake s om e c offee, he s aid c alm ly, turning to go. W ait! S he took a s low breath, afraid of her wildly beating heart. S he had to s tay c alm . S om e prim itive ins tinc t was telling her not to s how fear. OK , m aybe youre right. Maybe Ive got a problem , but it is nt the s ort of problem youll be able to c ope with. I need to s ee a doc tor. T heres a doc tor within a few m inutes c all, if nec es s ary. He c ons idered her with one fis t on his hip, eyes hooded. T he s oft light threw pools of s hadow under his broad c heekbones and angular jaw. B ut I dont think well be needing her. Not yet, at any rate. Damn y ou! Dont s c ream at m e. T he des c ending c urve of his dark brows s tem m ed her ris ing hys teria. Y oure going to have to grow up, Margot. Fas t. He walked to the window, drew the c urtains . S he s at in nightm aris h paralys is . If only s he hadnt s tepped into the Merc edes that m orning, if only s he had that s plit s ec ond of los t tim e again Y oure right, though. Y oure going to s tart being s ic k, he s aid flatly, turning to her. Dark eyelas hes em phas is ed the s hoc k of that grey s tare. He was nt s m iling now. B ut not as s ic k as you im agine. A ddic ts greatly exaggerate the s everity of withdrawal s ym ptom s . Mos t people do, es pec ially the dealers . How the hell would you know? Margot dem anded with another flas h of anger. Her fac e held an alm os t trans parent beauty, her eyes large and feveris h as they s tared up at him . Y ou talk like s om e kind of orac le! T here are various ways of m aking it eas ier, he s aid, unperturbed by her glare. None of them are c om pletely without s om e kind of ris k, either of further addic tion, or of dam age to health. He lifted one of the fenc ing foils from the wall. T he needle point glinted as he s ighted down the s word at her, eyes narrowed. In your c as e, I think a c om plete withdrawal is appropriate. It was only then that s he began to unders tand him . Realis ation was like a jolt of elec tric ity, it hurt and terrified. Oh no, s he whis pered. Y oure going to m ake m e go through c old turkey, arent you? Y oure going to jus t s it there and watc h m e go through hell!

CHAP TE R TW O I W OULDNT have put it s o m elodram atic ally, he s m iled. B ut in es s enc e, the ans wer is yes . Y ou c ant? Oh, I c an and will, he prom is ed her with c ool c ertainty. B -but thats m ons trous ! I thought you werent an addic t? I s aid I m ight have a problem , dam n you! Margots whole body was s haking now, panic s ending the adrenalin s urging into her bloods tream . Is that what you want? T o hear m e adm it that Im hooked? T hat would m ake a good s tart, he nodded. A ll right! s he s aid des perately. Maybe I am hooked! B ut you c ant m ake m e s top this way Ill die! Y ou wont. He c urved the thin blade of the foil into a taut arc , the deeply inc is ed lines tightening around his m outh. T hats c hilds talk. No one dies of giving up heroin, I as s ure you. Its s taying on the drug that kills . Com ing off it is no wors e than a s evere bput of flu. Y ou dont know what youre talking about, s he s aid s hakily, praying that he didnt m ean it. Cold turkey. Com plete and abrupt withdrawal from drugs , with nothing to keep away the agony. He c ouldnt do it to her, he c ouldnt! B ut s he knew ins tinc tively that he was not a m an to s ay things idly. He wouldnt have got her all this way if he hadnt had the c onvic tion to m ake her do as he s aid. A dam laid the foil bac k on its rac k and pulled off his jac ket and tie, tos s ing them on to the arm c hair. Let m e explain it to you, pearl. Y ou and I are going to be s pending the next fortnight here. T ogether. S he s tared at him in horror as he c am e to s it bes ide her. A t the V of his s hirt, the m us c ular fles h was deeply tanned. Y oure not going anywhere, he s aid in a velvety voic e, not tonight, not any tim e. E verything is being taken c are of. T he rent on your flat in London is being paid. Y our c ar has been s afely garaged. P eople will hardly notic e youre gone. A nd youre not leaving here until youre c om pletely free of your addic tion. A part from that, he s m iled, s howing beautiful white teeth, youre quite free to do anything you want. Roll your s leeve up. W hat for? s he as ked in dread. I want to c hec k your blood pres s ure. S he obeyed, c laus trophobia hem m ing her in. S he was as m uc h in his power as a m ous e between a c ats c laws . P leas e dont think I wont go through with this , Margot, he s aid c onvers ationally. I fully intend to. He pum ped the bag up till it hurt, then s lowly deflated it, eyes on the m erc ury level. Y ou c ant do this to m e. S he was fighting to s tem the ris ing tide of panic . Y ou c ant take the res pons ibility! Oh, I c an and I will, he s aid with m as s ive s elf- c onfidenc e. I take res pons ibility for other peoples lives every day. A re are you a doc tor? No. He uns trapped the bag. Y our blood pres s ures low, whic h is good. Its going to ris e. Y oure not a doc tor! T hen you dont know what will happen to m e, s he pleaded. He took her left hand, fingers biting into her wris t as he tim ed her puls e. Y ouve been us ing heroin for a m erc ifully s hort tim e. Y ouve als o s m oked the pois on, whic h is a great deal better than s hooting it up. He glanc ed at her. Y oure frightened. Y our hearts rac ing. B ut its s teady enough. He releas ed her wris t. A fter three or four days youre going to be over the wors t, Margot. W ithin a week or two youll be feeling alm os t norm al. Margot was feeling a s ens ation of c om ing down. T he Methadone was definitely beginning to ebb out of her s ys tem now the pains in her c hes t told her that. S he was like a s hip, foundering on roc ks . It is nt nec es s ary to do it like this , s he im plored. S weat was pric kling at her tem ples and on her upper lip. I c an s top any tim e I want to! Can you? he as ked drily. W ell, nows your c hanc e to prove it. He didnt unders tand, s he realis ed des pairingly. S he had to get away from him , it was her only c hanc e. W ait for an opening, then run. Run bac k through the park to the road B ut they were out in the c ountry now, s he had no idea where, pos s ibly very rem ote indeed. How far was it to the neares t town ? Hed s aid there was a doc tor c los e by, but s he didnt know where. Des pair told her s he didnt have a hope in hell of finding help. He watc hed her expres s ion with the c old eyes of a s now leopard, as though following every thought. Nobody will know where I am , s he quavered. P eople are going to worry I doubt it, he s aid with brutal c oldnes s . Y ou dont have a job to go to. Y ou left City New s two m onths ago. T hey were afraid s om ething like this would happen, werent they? How do you know Y our m other has nt s een you in weeks , he went on brus quely. S he does nt even know youre an addic t. A nyhow, youre going to telephone her tom orrow, and tell her youre taking a s hort break in S c otland. A s for your friends He s hrugged s c ornfully. I doubt whether you have the kind of friends wholl rais e eyebrows at a brief dis appearanc e es pec ially now that its getting around youre a heroin us er. T he c old grey eyes were painfully direc t. It gets around very quic kly, Im afraid. Heroin attrac ts a lot of extrem ely nas ty public ity. S he tried to m us ter the s trength to talk to him logic ally. I unders tand that youre c onc erned about the heroin, s he s aid, c hoos ing her words with brittle c are. Y ou were a friend of m y fathers , and I know you think you c an help m e. B ut it is nt as s im ple as that. S he looked into the authoritative eyes . Y ou have no right to do this , nothing on earth gives you the right. Cant you unders tand, I dont k now you! I c ant jus t put m ys elf in your hands , like a c hild. I need s om eone I c an trus t- Y ou dont have anyone. T he words were s poken s ilkily, but they c ut like a whip. Y ou dont have a fam ily, Margot, not any m ore. Y ou dont have a lover. Y ou dont have a friend s trong enough to c ope with this . T he deeply c arved m outh s m iled. A nd you dont have the will to give up on your own. Y ou need s om eone. Y ou need m e. S he s at in s ilenc e, eyes c los ed as if to s hut out the world. Y ou need me. S uc h frightening words . A dam took her c hin in s trong fingers , m aking her open her eyes to fac e his s tare. Y ou unders tood how s erious it all was , s urely? he dem anded. Or did you want to let it kill you s uic ide by narc os is ? Of c ours e not If you dont give it up now, Margot, you jus t dont have a future. His words s eem ed to hang in the air, too c hilling to warrant m uc h in the way of a reply from her. In the velvety night outs ide an owl hooted, a lonely, wild c ry. S he knew exac tly how heroin c ould drag s om eone down to the abjec t death of the long-term addic t. S hed s een it happen perhaps a dozen tim es s inc e s hed left City New s to enter the s trange, twilight world of the drugs s c ene. T he pas t weeks had been a kind of m adnes s s he knew had to end. B ut to do it this way, under the c om puls ion of a s tranger S he was as c old as ic e again, her s kin c lam m y and c rawling with nerves . T hree m ore ques tions , he s aid. A re you on any other drugs apart from heroin? S he s hook her head without s peaking. T his c ouldnt be happening, c ouldnt be. T here had to be s om e way out, there had always been a way out before. S om ething s he c ould offer him , s om e bribe to let her go No am phetam ines , no barbiturates ? No, s he s aid in a low voic e. Dont lie to m e, he s aid grim ly. Heroin is one of the drugs you c an jus t c om e off. P ills c an be a lot m ore c om plic ated. Ive never taken them . A nd youve never injec ted heroin? S he grim ac ed. No. Good. His eyes dropped to her lap. Y oure not pregnant, are you? W hat the hell has that got to do with you? s he s napped angrily. Its got m ore to do with your unborn baby if youre c arrying one. He s m iled without hum our. B ec aus e the foetus will be an addic t. Like you. B ut, unlike you, it m ight not s urvive the withdrawal s yndrom e. Margot s tared at him in horror. T he words had s hoc ked her m ore than anything els e in the pas t hours . A nd for the firs t tim e s he had an inkling of how this m an m us t des pis e her, of how unlovely s he m us t s eem to him Im not pregnant, s he s aid in a s m all voic e. How m uc h heroin were you us ing by las t night? Margots m outh trem bled. I I dont know. Y es , you do, c am e the quiet ans wer. T wic e as m uc h as when you s tarted, Id gues s . A gram a day? Not as m uc h as that. S he s wallowed, her throat dry as c ardboard. Half that. A re you telling the truth? T here was a dangerous edge beneath the s oft voic e. S he nodded s ilently. Good. It c ould have been wors e. He took her c hin, tilting her fac e up s o that s he had to m eet the eyes that were the c olour of an A rc tic fj ord. Y ou know how potent heroin is . Deep down ins ide, you know that youre already an addic t. Y ou were an addic t from the firs t m om ent you took the s tuff. T hat * m eans youre going to get withdrawal s ym ptom s as bad as any long-term us ers . T heres no rem is s ion for only having us ed it a s hort while. Unders tand? Y es , s he whis pered. W ith odd c larity s he notic ed that there was a fine s tubble round his lips and c heeks , that the m us c les under his s ilk s hirt were s leek and hard. Y oure als o going to los e your toleranc e very quic kly, Margot. T ry the s tuff again, and youll m aybe kill yours elf. Unders tood? Y es . S he c ould hardly form the word. S he knew addic ts c ould die us ing heroin half-way through detoxific ation. T he thought underlined the frighteningly vulnerable pos ition s he was in. For the firs t tim e s he was realis ing that every s ec ond was putting her m ore and m ore in this m ans power. A s s he entered the darknes s of withdrawal, s he was going to need s om eone there, even a s tranger s he c ouldnt trus t. S he was going to los e any c ontrol over her life. W hat hed s aid was going to bec om e true, inevitably. S he was going to need A dam . Utterly. Hed forc ed her to take the firs t s teps along a path that led into a wildernes s . A path on whic h there c ould be no turning bac k. S he felt the firs t s pas m s in her s tom ac h. W heres the bathroom ? s he as ked in a c hoked voic e. Im going to be s ic k. He held her forehead while s he was s ic k, m aking her feel like a feveris h c hild. W hen s he was done, he leaned agains t the wall, waiting while s he rins ed her fac e with trem bling hands . Now Ill s how you where your bedroom is , he s aid gently as s he dried hers elf. My bedroom ? S he was alm os t too s tunned to think. T he beautifully furnis hed room m ight have been des igned exc lus ively for her. Curtains , quilt and lam ps hades were in a delic ate patterned c hintz, the s im ple yet elegant furniture was of jus t the s ort s he liked m os t. E ven the c olours were her favourites . A n ivory-white room . Ivory-white, for a m aidens tower. Margot s at on the bed, fingers digging into the s oft quilt. How long have you been planning all this ? s he as ked tautly. Not very long, A dam s hrugged. I didnt have a great deal of tim e. W hic h rem inds m e. He opened the c upboard door. I bought a few c lothes , but I had to gues s your s ize. Not everything will fit. Margot s tared dully at the row of s kirts hanging on the rail, the gleam of s ilk in the drawers . Hed been c hoos ing thes e pretty c lothes for her, planning her abduc tion T he room was warm , and her s kin was dam p with pers piration, yet her body was c old to the c ore. W hen are you going to let m e go? s he as ked quietly. I told you. W hen youre better. He s m iled at her with a hint of m oc kery, as though her s uffering m eant nothing to him . His dark fac e was m agnific ently hands om e. Y ouve been a little idiot, Margot. Now youre going to have to fac e up to yours elf. I c ant do it. S he s hook her head dum bly, not looking up. Des ire for the drug was like a raging thirs t. S hed never known s he c ould want it s o m uc h. I c antV Y ou have to. He poured her a glas s of P errier water from the bottle next to her bed. T his m ight help with the naus ea. S he lifted the rim of the glas s to her lips , drinking a little with a winc e of pain. His expres s ion was s till a m ixture of am us em ent and as s es s m ent. Y our father warned m e that you were full of c harac ter. P erhaps youre m ore like him than you know. Margot s hot him a s piteful glanc e. Y ou s eem to think that being Daddys friend gives you an autom atic right to interfere with m y life. It does nt, M r K orda. I hardly knew m y father. I didnt owe him a dam ned thing! Owe? he s aid with a glitter in his eyes that m ight have been anger. T hats a funny way of putting it. S he s norted. Having your parents break up when youre five years old is nt exac tly reas s uring, s he s aid s hortly. Having them do it again when youre fifteen tends to m ake you think theyve got s om ething agains t you.

My, m y, A dam purred. I wonder how you get around at all, with that enorm ous c hip on your s houlder. Oh, go to hell! Daddy was totally irres pons ible, and you know it. I knew him for two years during a very c onfus ed adoles c enc e. B es ides that, I s aw him m aybe half a dozen tim es in m y life. S he leaned bac k agains t the pillows , every line of her s lender body taut as a danc ers . S om etim es whole years would go by and I wouldnt s ee him . Dont expec t m e to forgive what youre doing to m e for Daddys s ake. A dam s eyes drifted ac ros s the angle of her hips , the s lim length of her thighs . I dont want your forgivenes s , he s aid c oolly. A nd talking of res pons ibility, youve hardly been an angel yours elf, have you ? Heroin is only the lates t in the long line of Margot P res c otts delinquenc ies . T hats not true! Oh, c om e on, he m oc ked. Y ouve been arres ted twic e, girl. Onc e for being ac c es s ory to s tealing a c ar and the s ec ond tim e you were luc ky not to be jailed, when you were pic ked up during a dem ons tration outs ide T hat happened to be s om ething I felt very s trongly about, s he s napped angrily. A nd the polic e behaved like fas c is ts ! Us ing abus ive language and res is ting arres t, was nt it? He laughed hus kily, warm golden flec ks danc ing in his eyes . Y oure quite a s pitfire, Mis s P res c ott. It s eem s a pity to quenc h all that anger with heroin. S he looked wearily up at him , s o tall and arrogant in his power. S he was nineteen. He was perhaps thirty-two or three. Hed never be able to unders tand a thing about her How do you know all this ? Margot as ked tiredly. Did m y father tell you? Mos t if it, he nodded. I s poke to lots of people about you, though. Y oud be s urpris ed how m any people c are a great deal about you, c herie. W ould I? s he c hallenged drily. B ut then its s uc h a loving, c aring world. Y oure a s trange c hild, s aid A dam in a c ool voic e. I c ant dec ide whether youre the m os t c ynic al little brat Ive ever m et Or? s he c hallenged as he paus ed. Or prac tic ally c rippled with ins ec urity. Margot twis ted on to her s ide, hugging the pillows to her fac e. B as tard. He knew a dam ned s ight too m uc h about her. He knew exac tly where and how to hurt. God, if only s he had s om ething to take, s om ething to s hut out the pain that was building up in her nerves . S he s queezed her eyes s hut agains t the tears that had s tarted to well up, but they found their way through her long, dark las hes nevertheles s . Its pas t m idnight, A dam s aid quietly. Y ou s hould try to s leep. S he didnt res is t as he pulled the quilt around her s houlders . A dam had beautiful hands , s he notic ed abs ently, s trong and c apable, like everything about him . He lifted a hand now to touc h her c old c heek with warm fingers . A wom an s houldnt hate her father, even if he was irres pons ible. Margot turned her fac e away from his touc h. W hat did you owe m y father? s he as ked in a c hoked voic e. Money? A favour? S he wiped her c heek with s haky fingers . Or are you doing this out of guilt? Nas ty, he purred with s oft am us em ent. Im doing it for your s ake, Margot. S he felt his lips touc h her c heek warm ly. W ell talk about it tom orrow. W eve got all the tim e in the world. T ry and s leep, pearl. My room is jus t next door to yours . If you want anything, anything at all, c all m e. S he didnt res pond, and heard her door c los e s oftly. T he s ilenc e was im m ens e. Her digs in London had been s o nois y at night, the inc es s ant hum of traffic going on right through the night. S he was s hivering again, and there s eem ed to be no way s he c ould get warm . B es t not to think about her body. B es t to think about s om ething els e, anything S he c lam bered s tiffly out of bed. T he window was loc ked. Of c ours e. Outs ide, the s ilvery m oon s hone down on dens e, rus tling woodland. Dam n him . S he flung open the c upboard. T here were c ream s ilk pyjam as in the drawer, lac y and fem inine. W ith a twis ted s m ile, s he s tarted undres s ing. Her body was as tight as a c oiled s pring, waiting to explode, but the s ilk was c ool and s oothing on her bare s kin. S hed been in s om e s trange plac es in her s hort life, but this was the s tranges t of them all, s he reflec ted, getting bac k into bed. Her fathers friend. For all s he knew, A dam K orda was a m erc enary, as P eter had been, a hired killer with s om e twis ted c ode of ethic s that was better s uited to the jungle than to the c om plex world of urban E ngland S he let hers elf drift for a long while, her m ind full of c loudy m em ories of her father. P eter P res c ott had been a brilliant m an with a wilful, erratic pers onality. His c areer in the A rm y had been outs tanding, yet always pois ed on a knife-edge between originality and outright rebellion. T he s am e, Margot now unders tood, had applied to everything in his life inc luding his m arriage to her m other. Margot had been born into a m arriage that was already breaking up. Her very firs t m em ories were of c hildis h terror at the argum ents her parents us ed to have every night. S hed been five years old when her father had finally m ade the break. Major P res c ott had left his wife and c hild, and the A rm y, to as s is t in an A fric an revolution. T o bec om e a m erc enary. Margot had been devas tated. A ll her troubles had really begun at this point, although it had not been until m uc h later that theyd flared up. S he hadnt s een her father for the next eight years , although hed written, and now and then a birthday pres ent had arrived from s om e rem ote c orner of the globe. In that tim e, Margots life had been touc hed with that des perate attem pt at norm ality whic h s o m any c hildren of broken hom es know. E leanor, her m other, had taken two c ons ec utive lovers . W ith a c hilds innoc enc e, Margot had c alled both m en Daddy, but in her heart s hed always known that they werent. B ut when Margot was thirteen, and entering a s lightly late puberty, P eter had returned to try and patc h up his m arriage with E leanor. E ven now, a s low s m ile c urled ac ros s her full m outh at the m em ory of that joy. God! S hed been s o happy to have her father bac k It was the ans wer to a thous and dream s . B ut s ix m onths turned it all s our. T he argum ents had been renewed, with even m ore s avagery than eight years ago. A nd with the return of the quarrelling, Margot had known a dread that had only grown while it had been buried for thos e eight years . It was then that her wilfulnes s and dis obedienc e had flared up, at the wors t pos s ible tim e for all of them . Like drinking and breaking other peoples windows . A nd wors e. A lm os t as though s he deliberately wanted to m ake their lives even m ore hellis h. Oh, P eter and E leanor had grown m iles apart in the intervening years , and that had m ade their pros pec ts of c om prom is e alm os t non-exis tent. B ut Margot knew, deep ins ide, that her own wildnes s had helped des troy whatever c hanc e her parents m arriage had ever had. T wo years later, before Margots fifteenth birthday, it was all over. P eter had left E ngland again to bec om e m ilitary advis or to a Gulf S tate princ e. Hed barely s aid goodbye to her before hed left. E nglands finis hed for m e. Goodbye, Margot, good luc k, darling. T hat was all. Her dom inant em otion at the tim e had been dis belief. This c ant be happening again. B ut it was happening, and this tim e with a finality s he c ouldnt avoid. A fter that, no one and nothing s eem ed to m atter to Margot. E ven when her m other had rem arried, and in her late thirties had given birth to two m ore c hildren to her new hus band, Margot had watc hed with an unm oved, c ynic al s m ile. A nd the c om pany s hed s tarted to c hoos e had s upported her in her hardening attitudes . S hed joined the lunatic fringe of the anti-war m ovem ent a direc t hit at her father had m oved in a c irc le of friends who were often little better than c rim inals . Rebels agains t authority, or what they bitterly c alled T he E s tablis hm ent. P ranks had turned into deliberate des truc tion S hed s lipped from delinquenc y into a wildnes s that was too m uc h for her m other to handle. Her s tepfather, Carl Davis on, had been only too pleas ed when Margot had left hom e to live in digs . A nd for the pas t three and a half years , s inc e her s ixteenth birthday. Margot had gone her own way. S he rolled res tles s ly over on to her left s ide, hugging her s hivering s houlders , and s tared ahead with uns eeing, dark eyes for a long while. T he thought of the c om ing hours filled her with fear. T his was nt the plac e for her. A dam with the grey eyes was a nightm are s he had to awaken from . If s he had to give up heroin, s he would do it her own way. Not on anyone els es term s . B ut s hed never known an addic t whod given up heroin. E ven Riff, who had firs t given her the drug, had never been able to kic k it. Clever Riff. Hed always been s o intent on pus hing the s tuff, s o intent on the m oney he was m aking out of it. Riffs bus ines s was m aking s ure other people got addic ted and s tayed that way. A nd yet the drug had had him as s urely in its grip as any of his c us tom ers . E xc ept that Riff was now in jail, and likely to s tay there a long tim e. To k ill y ours elf w ith heroin. S he s hook the thoughts away, S he needed to s leep, regain her s trength. T om orrow s he was going to be feeling terrible, and s he would m os t need her s trength. T om orrow s he would get out of here, whatever it took. B ac k to London, s om ehow, anyhow. A n owl hooted again, in the vas t night. S he reac hed out with uns teady fingers to s witc h off the light, and tried to s leep. S he was s ic k s everal tim es throughout the night, her ins ides feeling as if they were being turned ins ide out. B ut s om ehow, in between bouts , s he m anaged to s lip gratefully into a res tles s s leep. S inc e s hed been on heroin, her s leep had been dream les s and dead. B ut tonight nightm ares c am e, a c onfus ed inc ubus of terror that went on and on. A fac eles s horror, purs uing her down endles s c orridors , c arrying a glittering s yringe that s he knew was filled with her death. Until s he was trapped in a c orner, and the deadly point was thrus ting at her naked throat S he awoke in panic , her heart pounding furious ly. S trong hands were gras ping her s houlders , and s he realis ed that A dam was s itting on her bed, c alling her nam e. Margot, its all right. T ake it eas y. My heart Her c hes t was c ons tric ted by iron bands . S hed never felt her puls es beat s o wildly in her life, and it terrified her. My heart, s he gas ped again. I think Im going to have a heart attac k! He laid his warm palm ac ros s the c lam m y, c old s kin of her breas t, feeling for the beating heart beneath. Fas t, he nodded, but not s erious . Y ou c an expec t this to happen, es pec ially at firs t. Its not dangerous . S he felt his hand touc h her dam p forehead. T ry and breathe deeply and s teadily. T hat will s low it down. S he obeyed, her body trem bling like a trapped birds . In the s oft darknes s s he c ould s ee he was naked to the wais t, the m oonlight gleam ing on his s kin. He was powerfully built, a dark s hadow of m as c uline hair c overing his c hes t and s tom ac h. A ny better? he as ked. A little, s he panted. S he realis ed that her fingers were s till c lawing into his m us c ular arm , as if s eeking c om fort. A little as ham edly, s he releas ed her grip. S -s orry. Did I s c ratc h you? Ill live. He brus hed the dam p hair away from her brow. It m us t have been a bad nightm are. Horrible, s he whim pered. Y ouve got a lot of dream ing to c atc h up on, pearl. T he dark m ade his hus ky voic e s eem warm and intim ate. T he very c los enes s of him was c om forting. Heroin has s topped you dream ing for a long tim e. B ut the dream s didnt jus t go away. T heyve built up, and now theyre all going to c om e rus hing bac k. I dont want to have any m ore nightm ares , s he pleaded. Do you want m e to put the light on? No, s he s hivered. Her heartbeat was eas ing now. W as I s c ream ing m y head off? Y ou were s ort of s queaking, he s m iled. Like a kitten. B efore s he unders tood what he was doing, he had pulled the quilt as ide, and was s liding into the bed bes ide her. Its dam ned c old, pearl. Move over. S he s tiffened in a m om ent of panic , then tried to bac k as far away from him as s he c ould m anage. Do you im agine Im burning to m ake love to you? he enquired drily. Ill try and res train m y lus t. T his ll jus t s ave m e the walk after your next nightm are. S he was s till s hivering unc ontrollably, her heart rac ing. J us t d-dont g-get any ideas , s he quavered. W hat s ort of ideas ? he purred. S he felt the brus h of his warm s kin agains t hers as he reac hed for her, pulling her c los e. His near-naked body was s o different from hers . W arm where hers was c old. Hard where hers was s oft, potent where

hers was delic ate. His lips were firm and authoritative agains t hers , his kis s warm without being invas ive. Do you expec t m e to lay a s word between us ? he s aid s oftly. Y oull warm up now. Y oure as c old as c lay. A s the s hoc k rec eded, s he bec am e aware of the length of his body agains t hers , the power of his arm s around her, her hips agains t him . S he c ould s m ell his s kin, his hair, even feel the beating of his heart agains t her breas ts . A world that was new to her, or at leas t s o unfam iliar as to be new. T he fear s lid away, her breathing eas ing. T here was im m ens e c om fort in his em brac e. S om ething s he hadnt felt for years . P rotec tion and warm th, a s ens e of wholenes s . S lowly, s he relaxed in his arm s , the s tiffnes s in her s lender body m elting by degrees . T hats better, A dam m urm ured s oftly. His fac e was c los e agains t her hair. Y ou s m ell s weet, the way a wom an s hould. S he felt his fingers trail down her bac k. W hat were you dream ing of? N-nothing im portant. Im portant enough to m ake you wake up s c ream ing. Confus ed things , I dont know S om eone c has ing m e with a s yringe. T rying to kill m e. A direc t expres s ion of your own fear of heroin, A dam s aid unhes itatingly. Y our unc ons c ious m ind s c ream ing at you to s ave yours elf. His lips were s o c los e to hers that s he c ould feel his warm breath on her c heek. A re you feeling any better? Y es , s he whis pered. A nd getting us ed to the idea of a s trange m an in your bed? Y es . No! I like that. Y es , no. T he warm breath of his quiet laughter c ares s ed her throat. A totally fem inine res pons e. I dont think youve lain in bed with m any m en, pearl. Im not a c hild, s he retorted, her lips alm os t touc hing the s atiny s kin of his s houlder. Y es , you are, he c ontradic ted her. A c hild who does c razy things , like getting hooked on heroin. A c hild who gets nightm ares , and has to be c om forted. He pillowed her head agains t his broad c hes t, and s he c los ed her eyes , the s m ell of his s kin warm and m us ky in her nos trils . B eneath her c heek, s he c ould feel his heart pum ping s teadily and s trongly. It was s o long s inc e a m an had held her like this Go to s leep, pearl, s he heard his hus ky voic e telling her. Y ou wont have any m ore nightm ares tonight, I prom is e. S he lay in s ilenc e, intens ely aware of his nakednes s agains t her. Im perc eptibly, unbidden, the pos s ibility of their m aking love c rept into her m ind. Margot touc hed the thought with m ental fingertips , exploring it, at firs t tim idly, then with growing boldnes s . It c ould happen. If s he let him , perhaps he would S uddenly, s he wanted him . No s entim ent, no words , s he jus t wanted him to m ake love to her, with the c om plete power s he knew he was c apable of, obliterating every thought in her m ind S he felt the groaning ac he of des ire in her loins , and no s ham e or m odes ty would quenc h it. S he c ould never as k him , never. T he idea was horrifying, and yet the need was there. Her feveris h thoughts twis ted res tles s ly. W hat did A dam K orda really think of her? Under that teas ing, dry m anner, he probably des pis ed her utterly. He would never unders tand her, would never unders tand how s hed ended up on heroin. A lthough he was only a dozen or s o years older than her, he c am e from a generation and a s oc ial c las s that was very rem ote from hers . Clearly wealthy and s uc c es s ful, he had that unm is takable s tam p of authority. From where he s tood, s he was an am us ing oddity, a c rum pled failure with a wing down God, s he was s o lonely! W here was s he going? W hat was going to happen to her? S he c lung to his quietly breathing body, the tears s tealing pas t her s hut lids , s pilling on to his s kin. If he was aware of their wetnes s on his c hes t, he m ade no s ign of it.

CHAP TE R THRE E A DA M was gone by the tim e Margot woke. S he s at up, feeling utterly wretc hed. Her head was throbbing like an engine as s he ran her fingers through her tangled hair. A bad dos e offlu. Her eyes and nos e were s tream ing, and there was an om inous rattle in her c hes t every tim e s he breathed. T he headac he was frightful, pic king up volum e all the tim e. T he bright autum n light from the window s tabbed painfully into her eyes . S he c lam bered weakly out of the bed, found a dres s inggown behind the door, and m ade her way to the bathroom . S he felt as though s he were m oving through thic k fog. Had s he really s lept bes ide A dam K orda all night? S he s tum bled. Oh, damn .. . S he was feeling even wors e than s hed realis ed, the deep m us c les of her lim bs trem bly and ac hing. Her em pty s tom ac h was knotting in c ram ps already. S om eone was in the bathroom already. A m iddle-aged wom an in an apron was reeling up the c able of a vac uum c leaner. S he turned to glanc e at Margot, and s m iled. Hello, dear. Glad youre awake. How are you feeling? Like death warm ed over, Margot s aid thic kly, knowing s he m us t look terrible. S he c lutc hed her gown around her. W heres A dam ? Mr A dam s up at the s tables . T he c ountry fac e was pleas ant. Hes been with the hors es s inc e five this m orning. T he s tables . Margo repeated s tupidly. A ye. Up at the s tud. Is that what this plac e is ? A s tud farm ? It really is nt a an ins titution, then? A n ins titution? Y ou m ean a mental ins titution? T he older wom an looked am us ed. W hy, no. W hatever put that notion into your head? Y oure at Harc ourt Hall, dear. One of the bigges t s tud farm s in E ngland. Margot s wallowed as s he took that in. W h-when will he be bac k? In about an hour, I think. T im e enough for her to get a long way from this jail! If only s he had the s trength How how far are we from London ? S he frowned. I dont think I c ould s ay, exac tly. W e generally go on the c oac h. B ut you dont want to be worrying about things like that. Ive got your breakfas t on the go. S he bus tled pas t Margot. T heres plenty of hot water, and Ive laid fres h towels out for you. Y ou s hould have everything you need. Y our c lothes are s till in the was h, of c ours e, but I expec t youve been told there are new things in your room . W ait, Margot pleaded. Do you know who I am ? Mis s P res c ott, from London. T he wom an s m iled. Im forgetting m y m anners . My nam es A ileen B ell. My hus band, George, works up at the s tud, and I do a bit of hous ework for Mr A dam . Mrs B ell, youve got to help m e, Margot s aid urgently. A nything you want, A ileen B ell replied pleas antly. Id like to leave here this m orning. I hav e to leave here. T hat c oac h you m entioned where does it s tart from ? T he village, the m iddle-aged wom an s aid prom ptly. B ut thats four m iles away, and it only goes on T ues days and T hurs days . Have your bath, dear, and by the tim e youre finis hed Ill have your breakfas t ready. B ut I have to go, s aid Margot with the nervous energy of a c ornered anim al. Im not here of m y own will! Y ou dont have to tell m e that, the hous ekeeper replied gently. Lined eyes as s es s ed Margots pale fac e and s haky hands . B ut I know enough about you to know that youre here for your own good. W hat you need is plenty of c ountry air and plenty of good c ountry food. P leas e Y oull feel a hundred tim es better after your bath. Hopeles s ly, Margot let hers elf be pus hed into the whitetiled bathroom . T rus t A dam to have em ployed the village idiot! Dam n him to hell for his m eddling, interfering arroganc e S he s at on the edge of the bath and wept s ilently, as m uc h from the pain in her s tom ac h and abdom en as from frus tration. S he was as weak and helples s as a c hild. God, what s he wouldnt give for a painkiller, even a m is erable as pirin! S he rec alled A dam s c attering the prec ious white powder on the gras s , and m oaned A fter a few m inutes , s he dragged hers elf into the s hower, and s tood pas s ively under the s tingingly hot needles of water. In the s team y c onfines of the c ubic le s he had a paroxys m of s neezing, and half-way through lathering her hair, s he had to double over, retc hing in futile s pas m s . In a kind of weak fury, Margot em erged from the s hower, and s tarted towelling hers elf dry. S he was going to get hers elf out of here today, s he s wore it grim ly. A way from this indignity and s uffering. S hed hitc h a lift to the village, wherever it was . T here were s till a few hundred pounds in her bank ac c ount, the las t of her s avings from the City New s days . S hed find a branc h, draw enough m oney to get that c oac h bac k to London. S hed do it, s om ehow, even if it m eant s tabbing M r A dam with one of the fenc ing foils off the wall. In the full-length m irror, her body was pale and very s lender. In the s um m er s hed been tanned, c arrying at leas t an extra s tone. S uc h a long, long tim e ago. P eople w ho tak e heroin dont dream S he fram ed hers elf with the outs pread towel, s taring at her own im age. A dark c loud of hair s urrounding an oval fac e whos e beauty was s om ehow fragile. It was only a c ertain wilful look in her dark eyes and a pas s ionate s lant to her wide m outh whic h hinted at her inner s trength. T he c heekbones , em phas is ed by her s lim nes s , were exquis ite, as was the c olum n of her throat and the delic ate wings of her c ollarbones . Her breas ts were full without heavines s , taut and fem inine. Men had always adm ired her, des ired her long, danc ers legs , told her that her hands and fac e were lovely; yet s hed never been able to quite believe it, not deep down. T here was always that feeling, deep ins ide, that s he was ugly. T hat no m an c ould ever love or des ire her enough to s tay. Not for ever. S he s at at the m irror, feeling as though a s teel s pring was c oiling up ins ide her. A s Mrs B ell had prom is ed, everything had been laid out for a very fus s y wom an. T he tem ptations to s m as h the alluring bottles agains t the m irror was overwhelm ing for a m om ent. T hen it s lid away. Lis tles s ly, s he opened a pot of fac e c ream . One of thos e prohibitively expens ive ps eudo-s c ientific form ulas . Mr A dam m us t be us ed to wom en with c os tly tas tes . Rubbing it into her s kin, s he s aw that there were dark s hadows under her eyes . Her s kin had los t the pearly glow of health, too. It was lifeles s and dry-looking, her lips c rac ked and neglec ted. S he looked s ic k, and felt wors e. S he was nervy and brittle as s he hunted through the drawers , tos s ing the things s he didnt want on to the floor. Let s om eone els e pic k them up. In half an hour s he was going to be on the road hom e. S he found a beautiful white angora s weater, and a pair of c harc oal jeans that fitted her. T he underwear was all blac k s ilk, plain but elegant. T here was als o a pair of s oft leather boots , not unlike ones s he had in London. B ut there was no s ign of the m oney that had been in her c lothes of yes terday. How the hell was s he going to get bac k to London without m oney? Nervous waves of anger were rippling ins ide her as s he walked to the kitc hen, jerking the fluffy s weater down over her c om pac t hips . T he s m ell of c offee and bac on was naus eating. Mrs B ell was jus t s etting a tray, but Margot was tight-lipped and hos tile. W heres m y m oney? s he dem anded uns teadily. T he m oney that was in m y c lothes . W here is it? Its s afe and s ound, dear, the hous ekeeper s aid s oothingly. Y ou dont need it here Give it to m e! Im s orry, honey. T he friendly eyes were genuinely regretful. Mr A dam left s tric t ins truc tions that you werent to have any m oney. Y oure a thief, Margot s aid s avagely. A nd your m as ters a kidnapper! W hy, c om e to that, you m ight be right on both c ounts , the other wom an s aid with a s m ile, as though the idea had jus t oc c urred to her. W hy not have your breakfas t by the fire in the living-room ? T heres a lovely view over the park. S he lifted the tray, on whic h was a plate of bac on and field m us hroom s , and a bubbling perc olator of fres h c offee, and offered it to Margot. Naus ea ros e in her, tightening her throat. Dam n them all! W ith a s ob of unc ontrolled fury, s he s natc hed the tray away, and hurled it ac ros s the kitc hen. T he c ontents of the tray c ras hed nois ily on to the floor, and Mrs B ell let out a little c ry of anguis h. W hy, no! Y ou didnt have to do that, girl! S tiffly, s he knelt by the m es s , m ourning over the s m as hed c roc kery as s he pic ked up the piec es . A dam s deep voic e c ut through the tens e s ilenc e. Leave it, A ileen. Ill c lear it up. He was s tanding in the doorway, tall and grim . T he c lothes he wore were rough; hands thrus t into the poc kets of a heavy s heeps kin jac ket, legs long and m us c ular in faded jeans and riding boots . If only hed been here a s ec ond ago, s o s he c ould have thrown the tray at him ins tead! He glanc ed briefly at Margots quivering expres s ion, then helped the hous ekeeper to her feet. Mis s P res c otts not feeling hers elf this m orning, he s aid quietly. I s hould have waited until s he woke up. Y oud better leave us together for the res t of the day. I think Id better. T he wom an was obvious ly ups et. S he didnt look at Margot as s he dropped s om e broken c roc ks into the bin. I hope you know what youve taken on, s he rem arked m eaningfully. Ive learned how to duc k by this s tage of m y life, he s aid drily. S he didnt m ean it. S hell apologis e when s he feels better. Margots legs were too weak to s upport her any longer. S he s at at the kitc hen table, burying her fac e in her hands , barely aware that A dam was s howing Mrs B ell out of the c ottage. S he needed heroin, now. Nothing els e would s top the frightened s haking and the s tom ac h pains that were like the wors t c ram ps s hed ever had. S he heard a s m all c ar driving away, then his s tep at the thres hold. A s trong hand took her arm , hauling her to her feet with effortles s power. His eyes had an anim al direc tnes s ; with s harp c larity s he rem em bered the eyes of a wolf s hed onc e s een in A m s terdam zoo, whic h had held the s am e c rys talline, c old beauty. Y ou didnt have to take it out on A ileen, he ras ped. S he does nt des erve your tantrum s . Margot looked blindly up at him . W hat are you doing this for? s he c hoked. W hy c ouldnt you have left m e alone? B ec aus e youre s uc h a des erving c as e, he s aid drily. I take it youre not feeling too hot? It hurts s o badly, s he m oaned. I want an as pirin. P leas e. A nything! I want, I need, I m us t have, I c ant do without- T he s c orn in his voic e was s c alding. A ll you do is dem and things . Have you no res ourc es of your own? It is nt a c rim e to as k for a painkiller! S he pres s ed her fingers into her ac hing tem ples . Y ou want m e to s uffer, is that it? Make wic ked Margot learn her les s on? Y oure going to telephone your m other now, he s aid im perturbably. Y oure going to tell her youre taking a fortnights holiday with friends . Give her this num ber, if s he as ks . He s c ribbled a num ber on a piec e of paper, then lifted the telephone off the wall, and held it out to her. S he felt as though s he were drowning in that c om pelling gaze. Y ou c an s ay whatever you pleas e, pearl. B ut if youre c ons idering any m elodram atic rubbis h, think twic e. T he whole s tory will have to c om e out. Y our m other s till does nt know about you. Y ou m ay not have m uc h of a relations hip with her, but I dont think you want her to know that youre a heroin addic t. Do you? Margot took the telephone num bly. He was dam nably right, as ever. S hed do a great deal to keep her m other from knowing. B ut the way s he felt right now was frightening S he dialled her m others num ber s hakily. S hould s he blurt out a plea for help, try and get a m es s age through? A s s he lis tened to the ringing at the other end, her heart was pounding with indec is ion. B ut it was her s tepfathers voic e whic h ans wered, and her s houlders s lum ped s lightly. S hed never been able to as k him for anything in her life, and s he c ouldnt s tart now. C-Carl? s he s aid dully. Its Margot. Is Mum there? S hes out, he s aid without warm th. W hat is it, Margot ? I jus t I jus t wanted to tell her Im in S c otland. S he m et A dam s m erc iles s eyes , felt the c om puls ion in them . On holiday. W ith friends . Y es ? Carl Davis on prom pted im patiently. P robably wont be bac k for a c ouple a c ouple of weeks . S he read him the num ber. A s k her if s hell ring m e when s he gets the c hanc e, s he put in quic kly. P leas e. Ill tell her, s aid Carl without enthus ias m . Need any m oney or anything? For a flic kering m om ent s he debated whether to blurt out the truth, and then it pas s ed. N-no. Im fine. Right. A nything els e? No, s he s aid in a s m all voic e.

Carl Davis ons goodbye was alm os t ins ultingly prom pt. A s the line was c ut off in her ear, s he s agged bac k m is erably. He does nt s eem too keen on you, A dam s ugges ted, replac ing the rec eiver for her. I dont get on with m y s tepfather, s he replied s hortly. He thinks Im a dis ruptive influenc e. W hic h is jus t about right. A dam c ons idered her. Y ou were wis e not to s ay anything foolis h, Margot. K ic k as you m ay, this is probably the only c hanc e youre ever going to get to s ave yours elf. Loc king m e up and m aking m e go through c old turkey? s he s aid ironic ally. Its a rather s im plis tic approac h, s urely! Maybe, he nodded. If I felt you were an em otional c ripple, and that your addic tion was due to s om e underlying weaknes s of c harac ter, I would never have done it. B ut I dont think that. T here were gold flec ks in his eyes , a hint of warm th in that A rc tic c old. I think your addic tion was s om e kind of ac c ident, s om ething that s hould never have happened. Com e on. Y ou need s om e fres h air. He hauled a thic k woollen fis herm ans jers ey off a hook behind the door and tos s ed it at her. P ut that on, though. Its c old outs ide. Rebellious ly, s he pulled it on. It was s everal s izes too big, and s he looked los t in it, alm os t waiflike. He grinned at her expres s ion, but if there was s ym pathy in the wolfs eyes , it was nt s howing m uc h. Its a beautiful autum n day. Lets go. Ignoring her res is tanc e, he got her outs ide and into the c hill, pure air. T he s c enery was m agnific ent, s he c ould s ee that even through her m is ery. T he c ottage was s et half-way up a hill, in the heart of a great wood. Oc tober had flooded the leaves with an alm os t intoxic ating range of s c arlets and yellows , and eac h tree had its own palette of c olour, beec hes , m aples , oaks , the oc c as ional dark green s pire of a c onifer. B elow, the wood s tretc hed down into the valley, and alm os t to the violet hills in the far dis tanc e. T he neares t habitation s he c ould s ee was a farm hous e s everal m iles dis tant, the white s m oke of its c him neys ris ing into the s till air. T his is Darkris ing W ood, A dam told her, eyes alm os t dream y as he watc hed her fac e. Its thirteen c enturies old. Like it? Marvellous , s he s aid s ullenly. S o m uc h to s ee and do. If you happen to be a s quirrel. T hat wom an s aid s om ething about a s tud farm . Does it belong to you? Y es . I breed rac ehors es . He looped a woollen s c arf round her nec k. His voic e roughened s lightly as he s tudied her unhappy fac e. For Gods s ake! Have you forgotten how to s m ile, Margot ? Y ou look as though s om eones s ewn your c heeks together from the ins ide. Im afraid Im not one of your brood m ares , s he s napped, her head ac hing. I c ant c hange m y m ood to order. I wouldnt dream of breeding from you, he retorted c uttingly. His eyes raked her s lim figure. Y ou m ay have the lines , but you dont have the tem peram ent. He m ore or les s m arc hed her ac ros s the path, and into Darkris ing W ood. I want you to know s om ething, Margot, A dam went on levelly. I had a very dear brother, a year younger than m e, who bec am e a heroin addic t. He was hooked m ore deeply than you, far m ore deeply than you c an im agine. He kic ked it, though. I was with him while he went through what youre experienc ing now. Its not exac tly new to m e. Did you have to kidnap him , too? s he as ked hars hly. No. He c am e off it voluntarily. A nd what happened to him ? s he dem anded, c urious des pite hers elf. His expres s ion didnt c hange. Hes dead now. Oh, great. A gus t of wind s ent her long, raven hair tum bling around her fac e. Her eyes were feveris hly bright. A brilliant s uc c es s . Is that the way Im s uppos ed to go? A dam glanc ed at her, the s m ile m ore in his eyes than his m outh. It was nt c om ing off the heroin that killed him . It was s om ething els e. S he s norted uns ym pathetic ally, not interes ted in anyones s uffering exc ept her own. W ithin a few m inutes they were far into the s hadowy wood, ankle-deep in the rus tling c arpets of red and gold and brown. It was as s ilent as s om e great c athedral, barely a s quirrel or a bird s tirring in the s till air. A nd the beauty s hed been determ ined to ignore s lowly s ank into her, bringing s om e peac e. S he rubbed her burning fac e, s uddenly glad after all to be out of the c ottage. Im s orry, s he s ighed at las t. I didnt m eant to s ound flippant about your brothers death. Forget it. He m oved with the unthinking grac e of an anim al, his body s pare and s upple and s trong. S he was ridic ulous ly weak, and s he felt him having to hold bac k his long s trides s o as not to tire her. He would be good with hors es , s he thought ins tinc tively. T hey would unders tand the m ale s trength of thos e powerful thighs , the gentlenes s of thos e hands . Dom inanc e and s ens itivity, a rare c om bination. If you were a c los e friend of Daddys , s he s aid, you m us t have lived abroad a lot. He was hardly ever in E ngland. Friends hip does nt nec es s arily depend on long periods s pent in s om eones c om pany, he s aid obliquely. If its real, it goes on regardles s of dis tanc e or tim e. For exam ple, you were s eldom out of your fathers thoughts , even though you s eldom s aw eac h other. He talked about you a lot. Did he? s he as ked s c eptic ally. W hat s ort of things did he s ay? A dam glanc ed at her. He us ed to wonder whether youd get over what he and your m other had done to you. Y ou never get over a broken hom e, Margot s aid flatly. W hat els e did he s ay about m e? s he as ked with a taut s m ile. T hat I helped break up the fam ily, no doubt? W hy s hould anyone blam e you for that? he s aid, arc hing an eyebrow. It was a m atter of two adults whos e m arriage didnt work. I c ontributed, s he m uttered. He looked am us ed. How? B y m is behaving? A ll teenagers are diffic ult, Margot. Its hardly a c rim e. I was m ore than diffic ult. I was c razy. S he kic ked res tles s ly at the leaves underfoot, s ending them rus tling around her ankles . It s eem ed I c ouldnt do anything right. I was never out of trouble. If I hadnt been the way I was , theyd have had that m uc h m ore tim e to work things out between them s elves . In that way it was partly m y fault, too T he c ontac t of his body was unexpec ted as his arm enc irc led her wais t. S he looked up into the warm c hallenge of his s m iling m outh. Y our fault, m y fault, their fault youre a great blam er, arent you? T he s upport of that s trong arm around her lower bac k s om ehow m elted s om ething ins ide her. Is that the world ac c ording to Margot P res c ott? E verything everywhere is s om ebodys fault? It jus t happens to be the way I feel, s he s hrugged awkwardly. S he m et his eyes alm os t tim idly. How how did you find out about m e? A bout the heroin, I m ean? I went to s ee you in London, about s ix weeks after P eters death. I didnt have an addres s , jus t that you were working for City New s . A wom an there c alled Gillian Reynolds told m e youd res igned. S he als o told m e s he thought youd bec om e an addic t. I s ee. Margot looked away, her c heeks flus hing. Her journalis tic c areer had been brief. S he had s ubm itted an angry artic le to an av ant-garde news paper c alled City New s , when s hed been s ixteen years old. T heyd liked it and s ix m onths later s he had joined the s taff as a feebly paid but full-tim e junior reporter. S om ehow s hed s urvived the inevitable problem s and diffic ulties of working for a rag that c ouldnt always m eet its deadlines , and quite often c ouldnt pay its reporters . T wo years on, her c areer at City New s was s tarting to s how s igns of brillianc e. In thos e two years , City New s had graduated from a trendy rag into a fas hionable youth paper. A nd Margot P res c ott had earned quite a reputation for hard-hitting inves tigative artic les with an anti-es tablis hm ent bias , of c ours e. A nd beautifully written, always . It was quite s urpris ing how m any of her s tories had been s yndic ated to highly res pec ted journals . How long ago all that was , the heady m om ents of her s uc c es s . T he only tim e in her life that s hed felt s he was ac hieving anything. Gill Reynolds had been her c los es t friend at City New s , and s hed been one of thos e people whod tried to throw her a lifebelt when s he had firs t s tarted us ing heroin. It hadnt helped; s hed already been too far in by then. W hat did you want to s ee m e for? s he as ked. I had s om e idea of offering m y c ondolenc es , A dam s aid gently. S he was alm os t leaning on him now, weaknes s m oulding her body to his s ide. Maybe trying to help. I felt it was a s ort of obligation to your father. W henever he talked about you he us ed to s ay the s am e thing: Ill have to s ort that girl of m ine out one of thes e days . B ut he never did, s aid Margot in a low, dry voic e, refus ing to ac knowledge that hed touc hed a nerve. He got him s elf killed ins tead. T hats one thing you c ant blam e him for. T he hus ky warm th of his voic e was alm os t like a c ares s , unexpec tedly gentle from s uc h a m as c uline m an. It was nt his fault that the plane c ras hed. B ut there was another reas on I c am e to London, a purely s elfis h one. His fingers c urled even tighter around her s lender wais t as he s m iled down at her. I wanted to m eet you, bec aus e everything about you intrigued m e. T here was a c ertain c ontradic tory fas c ination to Margot P res c ott. B eautiful teenage rebel whod bec om e journalis tic hot property. A totally unpredic table s hooting s tar. W ould s he go up or down? No one had the faintes t idea. S he went down, Margot s aid with bitter irony. S o you found a junkie. W hat m ade you dec ide on the big res c ue ac t ? S he was s tarting to run a fever, s he c ould feel it now. S he touc hed the dam p s kin of her tem ples with s haky fingers . T heres m ore than jus t obligation behind all this . Is nt there? P erhaps , he s aid s oftly. P erhaps not. Y oure very hard on yours elf, Margot. W hat do you m ean? s he dem anded. I m ean you s eem to be c onvinc ed of your own worthles s nes s . W as he m oc king her or probing her ps yc he? S he c ouldnt read his gentle s m ile. Do you know the differenc e between s hall and w ill? he as ked. Havent the faintes t idea, s he m uttered. S om eone whos afraid they wont be res c ued s ays , I s hall drow n no one w ill help me. S om eone whos determ ined to die s ays , 1 w ill drow n. No one s hall help me. W hic h one are you ? Y oure was ting your tim e, A dam . S he pulled away from him , and turned to fac e him with angry blac k eyes . P s yc hoanalys ing m e is nt going to help. I dont m atter a dam n to anybody, and nobody m atters a dam n to m e. S o why not jus t let m e get bac k to m y own life? A nd let you go to hell your own way? he c hallenged. If thats what I want, yes ! W ere bac k to I want, are we? He fac ed her aggres s ively, long legs s pread, hands thrus t into the poc kets of his s heeps kin jac ket. Y oull be twenty in a few m onths , Margot. W hen are you going to grow up? W ho s ays Ill ever reac h twenty? s he s neered, m ore for effec t than anything els e. B ut the words m ade his hands om e fac e tighten with real anger. Dam n you! S trong fingers knotted in her jers ey, jerking her forward with a violenc e that m ade her teeth rap painfully in her head. His intens ity was s uddenly frightening, his s trength s o m uc h vas ter than hers . Her fac e was white as he glared into her eyes from a few inc hes away. Dont ev er let m e hear you s peak like that again, he s aid s avagely. Y oure not worthles s ! Y oure prec ious , c ant you unders tand that? Y oure hurting m e, s he whis pered. A nd jus t who am I prec ious to? S he s aw his eyes glitter for a m om ent, as though he were as s es s ing whether her words had been a c hallenge or a plea. Maybe s hed wanted him to kis s her then, s he was too c onfus ed to tell. B ut s he didnt draw bac k when he pulled her c los e. S he c ould only c ling helples s ly to his s houlders as firm , m ois t lips c laim ed her own. A dam s lean body was hard with m us c le, his s kin like hot s ilk, everything about him s ens uous , a vividly m ale ons laught on her s ens es . His tongue s lid with wic ked expertis e into her m outh, lean, s trong arm s c rus hing her agains t him as though he wanted to devour her. T he reac tion of her body was elec tric , the hunger flaring along her arteries like a fus e, exploding into pas s ion. Need for him was ins tantaneous and im perious , tightening the peaks of her breas ts , m eltingly s weet at her loins . S he s huddered as he ran his fingers roughly through her dark hair, the tangles s nagging c ruelly, pres s ing his m outh to her throat. His hands c ares s ed ac ros s her ribs , c upping her breas ts hungrily. S he m oaned in s urrender as his thum bs brus hed ac ros s the hardening points of her nipples , m aking her s hudder helples s ly, her m outh s eeking his now, wanting to be bruis ed by the pas s ion of his kis s . S lowly, the ons laught rec eded. Her legs were unable to hold her when A dam releas ed her, and s he alm os t s tum bled in weaknes s . S he touc hed her m outh with s haky fingers ; there was a s m ear of blood on her fingertips . Her blood.

W hat did you do that for? s he whis pered. I wis h I knew, he s aid tightly. S he c ould alm os t s ens e the tens ion in him , s ee the flic kering heat in his eyes as he s tared down at her. S he knew with trem bling c ertainty that he was ready for her, ready to take her here, am ong the leaves . He drew a ragged breath. T his is nt quite the way I planned your m ornings breath of air. He s hook his head. J us t rem em ber that youre a beautiful, intelligent, gifted wom an, Margot. Its tim e you s tarted behaving and talking like one and not like a bac kward adoles c ent. S he s tared at him with her lips parted, s till s tunned by that blazing kis s . S he was trem bling with s hoc k, her wom anhood ac hing for him unbearably. Com e on. Roughly, he pulled her bac k on to the trac k, his expres s ion volatile. Its tim e we went hom e. A t around five that evening, her m other c alled. A dam pas s ed her the rec eiver expres s ionles s ly, and s he took it in both s haky hands . Mum ! Its good to hear your voic e! T hats an unexpec ted c om plim ent, her m others c autious tones ans wered. Carl tells m e youre on holiday in S c otland? Y es . W ith with s om e friends . Having a nic e tim e, I hope. W ell, s he s aid with a wry s m ile, the weathers a bit unpredic table. A re you all right, Mum ? How are the kids ? W ere all fine, her m other as s ured her. J us t a bit worried about you. W e never s eem to hear from you thes e days . Y ou m us t s tay in touc h, darling. T il try, I really will! Y ou s ound a bit ragged, E leanor s aid in c onc ern. A re you s ure youre all right? Margots eyes m et A dam s . Ive got a rather bad c old, Mum , s he s aid, s avouring the tiny inner joke. B ut they tell m e it wont las t long. W ell, take c are of yours elf, for goodnes s s ake. A nd c om e and s ee us when you get bac k from S c otland. I will, Margot prom is ed. I dont know when thatll be, but I will. T here was a m uffled m urm ur, then her m others voic e c am e bac k on the line. Carl s ays , when are you going to s tart looking for another job? A nyway, dont bother about that now. J us t have a good tim e. Ill try, Margot s aid drily. Ill try.

CHAP TE R FOUR A DA M laid the blanket around her s houlders . Margot c lutc hed the s oft wool with trem bling fingers , looking up at him with eyes that s c ream ed s ilently for help. S he was c los e to the end of her tether. It had been building up all day, and the s uns et had brought on a peaking of the withdrawal s ym ptom s . S he was a bundle of taut, jangling nerves . T he m oon was full, a golden dis c in a velvet-blue s ky. W ith the c larity of autum n, every s tar was bright as fire. S he was huddled in the window-s eat. E very fine hair on her arm s was erec t, her s kin rais ed in the perm anent goos efles h that had s uc h an ugly nam e. Cold turkey. S he was trem bling helples s ly, and c old as ic e des pite the warm th of the fire. S he had to fight down the s ens e of unbearable anxiety the whole tim e, grit her teeth agains t the trem ors that s hook her. Mrs B ell had c om e to m ake a m eal, and had gone again, but s hed been unable to eat a c rum b, and A dam had hardly touc hed the food either. A dam felt her puls e for half a m inute, then s quatted in front on her, his grey eyes narrow with c onc entration. T his is the wors t, he s aid quietly. S tic k it out, little one. It wont get any wors e than this . I dont know how Her voic e s tuc k, and s he tried again, s huddering. I dont know how long I c an s tand this - It wont las t. His eyes were s o c om pelling. S he tried to hold them with her own. T here was a m as s ive quality about him , s om ething s olid and hard that s he c ould c ling to in the raging s torm of the drug leaving her s ys tem . T hank God were nipping this in the bud. A nother few weeks on heroin, and He broke off, c apable hands arranging the hair away from her eyes . Y oull need to drink plenty of liquids , he went on. Hed brought a jug of fres h fruit juic e, and he poured her a glas s . Drink. T he s tuff was hateful, unac c eptably ac id in her m outh. S he gulped it painfully down then gave him bac k the glas s halfem pty. I c -c ant. J us t another s ip. P leas e try. A dam . Her dark eyes were s hiny with tears . Let m e have another M-Methadone. I c ant las t through m uc h m ore of it. P P leas e, Ill never as k again Methadone is addic tive, he s aid with s om ething c los e to c om pas s ion in his tanned fac e. Its jus t s ynthetic heroin. Im begging you, s he s aid abjec tly. I c ant s im ply give it to you. He touc hed her c heek. It has to be adm inis tered in exac t dos es , in s om e c ontrolled environm ent, like a hos pital. Com ing off heroin with Methadone will take three or four weeks , pearl. T his way is better for you. B y tom orrow, even, youll be feeling better. He touc hed her c old hands , s m iling s lightly. Rem em ber that the s ym ptom s are not in them s elves dangerous . Mos t of your s uffering is m ental. M os t of y our s uffering is mental. Y ou s uperior bas tard, s he s aid s hakily, thrus ting his hands away and getting up in a s tate of explos ive tens ion. Y ou talk s o c -c oldly and logic ally about it all. Y ou think you c an do what you pleas e with m e, pet m e when you want to, punis h m e when you want to as though Im s om e kind of white m ous e in an exexperim ent. Im not! Im a wom an, Margot P res c ott. T his is happening to m e! A c onvuls ion of pain m ade her c ry out, and s he s ank down on to her knees on the P ers ian rug, holding hers elf and c rying jerkily with bowed head. Im s orry. His voic e was s ofter, hus kily tender. He c am e to her, and took her in his arm s . It is nt eas y to watc h you like this . He kis s ed her fluttering eyelids with warm lips , roc king her like a c hild. T here was s uc h c om fort in his body. I hate it, and that m akes m e s ound c linic al, as though I didnt c are. I do. I c are a great deal. T hen give m e s -s om ething. S he whim pered, digging her fingernails into the hard tendons of his wris t. Give m e another Methadone, half a Methadone, any thing! From tom orrow you c an have painkillers , he prom is ed, his m outh in her hair. Not until then. P leas e. S he looked up into his fac e. For the firs t tim e s inc e s hed firs t looked into thos e intens e eyes , there was pity in them . W ith the intuition of a des perate wom an, s he c las ped her hands round his s trong nec k. For Gods s ake, s he whis pered urgently, her fac e taut with fatigue. Look at m e, A dam . Cant you s ee how b-badly I need it? He s hook his head wryly. T he ans wers s till no. It is nt. S he c lung to him , pres s ing her lips im ploringly to the tanned c olum n of his throat. He s m elled s o good, s o warm , s o m ale. It is nt, it is nt. I know you want to give m e s om ething. Y ou c ant bear to s ee m e like this . Oh, pearl, he m urm ured, c ares s ing her hair roughly, s tic k it out. Y ouve done s o well s o far. P leas e. T he need was overwhelm ing, s he c ouldnt fight it any m ore. S he had to m ake him give in to her, any way s he c ould. Y et s he had nothing to give, nothing exc ept hers elf. P leas e, m y love, pleas e. S he kis s ed his m outh feveris hly, rem em bering his des ire for her this afternoon. Y ou c an take anything you want from m e. Y ou want m e, dont you? Y ou wanted m e today, in Darkris ing W ood, didnt you? Y es , he s aid hus kily, I wanted you. Y ou kis s ed m e. Y ou s aid I was beautiful you m us t c are for m e. Y ou wouldnt be doing this if if you didnt. S om ewhere, from a long way away, s he was watc hing hers elf c oldly, hating hers elf for what s he was doing. Y et s he c ouldnt s top hers elf. Her fac e was flus hed, taking on a febrile lovelines s as s he looked up at him with parted, trem bling lips . Im no virgin, A dam . Y ou m us t have found that out in all your res earc hes . Dont do this , he c om m anded, his fingers biting painfully into her arm s . Its not you. Y ou dont know m e, s he s aid fierc ely. How c an you s ay what is and is nt m e ? S he knew, with a wom ans s ure ins tinc t, that s he was dis turbing him , that for all his c onfident m ale c om pos ure, he was m oved by her in s om e direc tly s exual way. Y ou do want m e, s he whis pered, alm os t exultantly. S he reac hed for him , kis s ing his c om pres s ed lips with burning intens ity, her own m outh c linging to his . K is s m e, s he c om m anded, c ertain that he was about to give way. K is s m e the way you did in the woods this afternoon. It didnt m atter that s he was dem eaning hers elf, that s he was tearing down any res pec t for her he m ight have. Nothing m attered but getting him to give her what s he wanted. If he wouldnt give her m edic ine, his lovem aking would do, this potent body s he was c linging to. Margot felt him tens e in pas s ionate reac tion as her tongue trac ed the hot outline of his m outh with c lum s y provoc ation. Margot For a dizzying s ec ond he was kis s ing her in return, kis s ing her with a forc e and pas s ion that dazed her, the way hed done in Darkris ing; and then he pulled away, breathing fas t. W hy are you holding bac k? s he as ked, her own breath fas t and s hallow. His fac e was s uperbly hands om e, the glitter of his eyes reflec ting the depth to whic h s hed s tirred him . It was s o good to have s om e c ontrol again, after the pas t days of helples s nes s . Under her fingers , his body was tens ed with power, like a tiger about to s pring. B ec aus e you were Daddys friend? Y ou arent m y father, A dam . Y ou c ould be m y lover, if you wanted For drugs ? he as ked, eyes darkening with c ontem pt. Oh, s he laughed bitterly, her voic e raw, you s ay that with s uc h fine m orality. Only for drugs ! Y ou havent the rem otes t inkling how I feel, have you? Did Riff Conroy m anage to get you into his bed that way? he as ked firm ly. Under his deep tan, s he notic ed with a wild s ens e of vic tory that he was paler now, his m outh a s avage line. S o you know about Riff. S he s at bac k on her heels , s ens ing s om e s trange jealous y in him , wanting to hurt him . No. I went of m y own ac c ord. W hat was that phras e you us ed? A voluntary renunc iation. Her eyes s parkled wic kedly. I s uppos e that s hoc ks you. S o you were his lover, he s aid with c ontrolled fury. His eyes were A rc tic s lits . Y es ! Cruel s atis fac tion at having hurt him in s om e way m ade her heart pound. Y ou think Im a tram p, dont you? S o why hold bac k? It was a kind of ins anity, but s he c ouldnt s top it. Her fingers were s haking as s he pulled the white s weater over her head and dropped it on the floor. Her rigid nipples were thrus ting agains t the blac k s ilk of the bra that c upped her breas ts , and s he s aw the flic ker of raw flam e in A dam s eyes as they dropped m om entarily. W hy dont you touc h m e? s he dem anded hus kily. Y ou know you want to. Y ou c ould have m e, A dam for s o very little. P ut your s weater on. His voic e was a rips aw through tim ber, hars h enough to m ake her flinc h. W hats s topping you? s he c hallenged bitc hily. S c ruples ? Y ou didnt have any s c ruples when you s tarted this c irc us ! Margot, he s aid explos ively, do as I s ay! Or are you s hy? S pite flus hed her c heeks , m ade her eyes gleam . Does it put you off to think I dont want you ? W ell, m aybe I do. S he reac hed bac k to the fas tening of her bra. Maybe I enjoy m aking love to tall, dark s trangers S he barely s aw him m ove, but the im pac t of his palm ac ros s her m outh was s harp enough to s end s tars exploding ac ros s her eyes . For a s ec ond s he gaped at him , tous led-haired and wideeyed. T hen s om ething s eem ed to s nap ins ide her, releas ing her. S he dropped her fac e into her hands , feeling the hot tears s pill out. W hat in Gods nam e was s he doing, s aying? No, I didnt. I didnt go to bed with Riff. He wanted m e to, and m aybe I would have done if Id been weaker, but He reac hed for her at las t, and held her c los e, tenderly, kis s ing her tem ples . God, you frighten m e s om etim es . Oh, A dam . Crying had given her releas e. T he m adnes s was ebbing away, leaving her terribly vulner- able. A s ham ed of what s hed s aid and done, feeling as though s hed been broken on a wheel. Oh, A dam , Im s o as ham ed. Forgive m e, I I dont know how I c ould have done that. Y oull hate m e- I wont, he s aid, alm os t s m iling. S he took the handkerc hief he pas s ed her, and blotted her eyes . Y oull hate m e, d-des pis e m e! Neither of thos e. T he power had bec om e gentlenes s now, the danger fading from his eyes as he c om forted her. If anything s hoc ked m e, he s aid gently, it was nt the way you were behaving. It was the way I felt. He pas s ed her the angora s weater, helped her pull it c lum s ily on. A lm os t c hildlike now, s he looked up at him , her c heeks wet. B ut Im not a virgin. W hen I was s ixteen, I let a boy m ake love to m e at a party Y ou dont have to tell m e, he s aid quietly, wiping the tears from her c heeks with his thum bs . T hats not m y bus ines s . I want to tell you. S hivering again, s he reac hed for him pleadingly. He took her in his arm s , c radling her head agains t his c hin, his body warm and s trong and protec tive. Margot c lung to him , the words tum bling out. Ive n-never told anyone. It was in that c razy period. I jus t wanted to get bac k at them , for what they were doing to m e. I knew this boy, J eff. He was older than m e, and kind of wild. Like m e. Hed been in youth c us tody, c am e from a b-broken hom e. He had tattoos , drove a big m otorbike, that kind of thing. S he drew a s obbing breath. T hthat m ade him a kind of hero to m e. I got drunk at that party, and I was danc ing with J eff, and I s ort of s aid to m ys elf, right, y oure the one. S he c los ed her eyes . Los ing m y virginity was going to be a s ort of ges ture. A s tupid, was teful ges ture A dam s troked her burning forehead, not s aying anything, then releas ed her, and pas s ed her the glas s of orange juic e. S he s ipped gratefully. T his tim e the liquid was s weet and c ool. He took m e ups tairs to an em pty bedroom . T he rim of the glas s rattled agains t her teeth, and he reac hed s ilently to s teady her hand s o s he c ould s ip again. Her eyes fluttered c los ed as s he re-lived the m em ory. He was s o rough, like like an anim al. I wanted him to s top as s oon as hed s tarted, but he wouldnt. My poor Margot, he whis pered, s taring at her with a deep c om pas s ion in his eyes . It was degrading, jus t awful. A nd I jus t lay there, trying to pretend it was nt happening. S he rubbed her burning c heeks , breathing uns teadily. W hen it was over, he got angry. He s aid Id been like a c orps e, that Id m ade him feel s tupid. A nd then he left. S he laughed s hakily, painfully, m eeting his s erious eyes . A nas ty little s tory, is nt it? A s ad s tory. He s eem ed to be looking right into her s oul with thos e s m oky grey eyes , reac hing for s om e inner c ontac t. I take it you didnt tell your m other. Margot winc ed. S he was too bus y getting her divorc e from Daddy s o s he c ould m arry Carl Davis on. S he didnt have m uc h tim e to lis ten to m y true c onfes s ions , even if Id been able to tell her. S he was nt that s ort of m other? I think s hed given up, Margot s aid with tired s im plic ity. W ere even further apart now. S inc e s he m arried Carl, and had P atric ia and J as on, s hes bec om e alm os t a s tranger to m e. T heres no s elf-pity involved, I dont begrudge her her happines s . Its jus t that s hes m ade hers elf a new life, and I dont

have a plac e in it. S he looked at him tim idly. How did you know about Riff? W hen I s poke to Gill Reynolds , s he told m e about a s m alltim e drug dealer c alled Conroy, who was now in jail. His eyes glinted at her. A pparently hed graduated from pus hing heroin outs ide E as t E nd s c hools to running a profitable m anor in c entral London. Gill s aid youd bec om e his lover. T hat is nt true, I s wear it, Margot s aid quietly. I s pent a lot of tim e with him , but that was bec aus e of the res earc h I was doing. Riff was m y lead-in to the s tory I was doing. S he pres s ed her fingers to her tem ples , trying to pus h bac k the frontiers of the pain. B anal, is nt it ? I thought I was being s o bloody c lever. Did Gill tell you why I left City New s ? I had to read between the lines . He leaned bac k, s urveying her. Y ou wanted to do an in-depth s tory about the London drugs s c ene, he gues s ed. T hey s aid it was too dangerous , and they c ouldnt take the res pons ibility of having you m ove in thos e kind of c irc les T hats not far off, Margot nodded. B ut I went ahead with the s tory anyhow. T he s tar c ub journalis t refus ing to be m uzzled, and all that. S he s m iled hum ourles s ly at her own folly. My editor c am e down like a ton of bric ks . S o City New s and I parted c om pany. I I thought Id bec om e a freelanc e. A t nineteen? he s aid drily. Crazy, s he agreed with a tired s m ile. B ut I thought the s tory was too im portant not to write. A nd Conroy? Id known Riff vaguely for a c ouple of years . One of m y les s s avoury ac quaintanc es , s he winc ed, but I knew if I c ould get him to talk, hed prac tic ally write the s tory for m e. S o I s tarted hanging around where he was , trying to get c los e to him . J us t how deep did you get? he as ked, and s he was c ons c ious of that deep s tillnes s in him , that alm os t intim idatingly watc hful quality. I had m ore ins ight than m os t people into what m ade kids turn into addic ts , A dam . It hurt to laugh. T he ps yc hologic al profile of drug addic ts s ays they tend to be young, rebellious . T hey als o tend to c om e from broken m arriages . B efore they s tart on drugs they us ually have a rec ord of petty delinquenc y, educ ational failure, em otional dis turbanc e. Her s m ile was haunted as s he m et his darkened eyes . S ound like anyone you know? It didnt take m e long to get enough m aterial for a s tory, not with m y bac kground. B ut I never got it written. I didnt bargain on Riff. Onc e he knew I was writing an artic le, he didnt want it publis hed. It would have m ade trouble for him . W hat happened? he as ked quietly. W ith an effort, s he c ontrolled her breathing. I was at hom e one m orning, writing up the final draft, when the polic e c am e round. A t firs t I thought it was about drugs . Think y ou s hould s it dow n, M is s P res c ott. M ajor P res c ott w as inv olv ed in an aeroplane c ras h las t night. M iddle E as t. No s urv iv ors . Death probably ins tantaneous . B ody to beflow n home for burial. A ny thing w e c an do I was in a kind of tranc e, I think. I went up to P urley to tell m y m other. S hed already heard, and I dont think s he really c ared. Not after all that tim e. Neither of them c am e to the funeral, anyway. W hen I got bac k to London I m et Riff. I told him what had happened, and he took m e bac k to his flat. S he s hrugged painfully, feeling weaker and lonelier then ever in her life before. I hardly knew what was happening, A dam . I was s tunned. He got m e drunk on vodka. It didnt take m uc h. T hen he gave m e the heroin. He s aid it would take away the hurt. S uddenly I was nt jus t an onlooker any m ore. I was a us er. E xhaus ted, s he had to s top again. He m ade s ure I got got enough to want m ore when I c am e down. God! T here was c old fury in A dam s fac e now, the m us c les of his jaw knotted. T he bas tard! Hes being punis hed, s he told him tiredly. He was arres ted a few days after that, in Manc hes ter, and hes been given a s even-year s entenc e. B ut I was as s tupid as he was wic ked; I didnt have to take the s tuff, did I? A nd I m anaged to rationalis e it. I told m ys elf it was all part of m y res earc h, that I c ouldnt really write a P ulitzer-P rize- winning artic le without pers onal experienc e of the s tuff. Y ou little idiot, he s aid s harply. Y ou s hould have gone for help im m ediately! I didnt want help. S he looked down at her fingers , twis ting them together. I s till dont want help. I c an m ake it on m y own. B ut s he c ould hear the lac k of c onvic tion in her own voic e, and when he s norted in dis gus t, s he bit her lip in s ilenc e. A dam watc hed her as s he pic ked up the hairbrus h that was lying on the floor, and brus hed her tum bled hair with s low, unc ons c ious m ovem ents . W hat was he feeling towards her? s he wondered. Des pis ing her? P itying her? I wis h I knew what you were thinking, s he s aid in a s m all voic e. His s m ile s eem ed to warm everything in the room . Right now? I was s im ply thinking how lovely you are. S he s topped, laying down the brus h, and s tared at him . It was he, not s he, who was beautiful, the m os t beautiful m an s hed ever known. S he c ouldnt analys e her feelings any m ore, s he was too weary. B ut for the firs t tim e that night s he was feeling like hers elf. Not as s he had while s hed been on heroin. Like the wom an s hed been before the whole nightm are began. It wouldnt las t, s he knew that. How m any wom en have you had ? s he as ked naively. A dam laughed s oftly at the ques tion, and s he s hook her head. I know that was a c razy ques tion. B ut s o m any wom en m us t have loved you, adored you. Did you love any of them ? T hat depends , he s aid in a velvety voic e, on what you define as love. Have you got a wom an now ? A jealous wife, even ? S he tried to find the truth in thos e dazzling, m oc king eyes . Does s he know youre loc ked in a c ottage, m iles from anywhere, with m e? If I did have a jealous wife, he s m iled, and if s he c ould have s een you ten m inutes ago, neither of our lives would be worth a c ent. S he c ouldnt help laughing. S he c los ed her eyes , lis tening to the s pit and c rac kle of the fire, rem em bering the way hed res ponded to her jus t now. W as s he glad or s orry that he hadnt ravis hed her on the c arpet, the way s hed des erved? S om ething was growing between them , s om e bond that was deeply, wildly exc iting. It s tirred nerves deep in her s tom ac h, teas ed her s exuality, warm ed her. Or was s he the only one feeling like that? A m an like A dam , able to s nap his fingers at any wom an he c hos e, c ould hardly be expec ted to get exc ited over a nineteen- year-old girl. E s pec ially a bird with a broken wing, like Margot P res c ott. B ut s he didnt want to be deflated jus t yet. S he didnt want the bring-down of knowing how s tupid s he was being. S he s ighed, jus t glad not to be in pain. Y ouve got quite a way with you, s he s aid dream ily. Y ou draw all m y s ec rets out of m e. Like being in a c onfes s ional Im no pries t, he s aid with an ironic glint. Margot dropped her eyes . I know that, s he s aid s oftly. A dam s m iled, lines c reas ing around his eyes . Com ing off heroin is nt enough, Margot. Its vital that you realis e what went wrong with your life in the pas t. Im a handful, arent I? T here was alm os t m is c hief in the glanc e s he gave him from under her las hes . Mrs B ell was right, I s us pec t. I dont think you quite knew what you were taking on. T he glitter in his eyes was like the flas h of a s abre in the s un. P erhaps not. A lthough I knew your father well enough to expec t you to have s pirit. S he had a s udden flas h of m em ory. T hat las t tim e theyd m et, in a gloom y London c lub, hed told her how im pres s ed hed been with her work for City New s . S hed reac ted with the bitters weet hum our that had always been the hallm ark of their relations hip. Hardly y our s ort of s c ene, Dad. Tak ing pots hots at the E s tablis hment, 1 mean. Hed toas ted her ac ros s the white linen with a grin. Y oure not as unlik e me as y ou imagine, M argot. S he s hook the m em ory away. S leek m us c les m oved as he unc urled him s elf and ros e to look down at her. Y oure exhaus ted, s ex-bom b. Its tim e you got s om e s leep. A s Margot lay in her bed, later, s taring into the darknes s , A dam s fac e haunted her. T hough s hed been s pilling her heart out to him , s he s till knew s o little about him . A bout him , or his relations hip with her father, or this plac e, or anythingS he had s im ply ac c epted his all-powerful pres enc e as s om ething to hate, s om ething to rebel agains t. T he way s hed been hating and rebelling all her life. S hed never talked about thos e things before. Never had to s um them up, s ee them in pers pec tive. A dam had an unc anny knac k of drawing the s ec rets out of her heart, m aking her s ee hers elf as s he really was . Maybe half her trouble, all her life, had been that s hed never thought her problem s out enough. A voided feeling them . T ears welled up, s alty and hot, c rawling ac ros s her c heeks . Grief was different from s elf-pity. S elf-pity m ade you a s elfis h bitc h. It was a drug, like heroin, it s topped you from having the s lightes t interes t in anything beyond yours elf. Y ou s aw the world through a kind of narrow s lit, and nothing m attered exc ept your own tiny em otions A s udden s pas m arc hed through her. S he c los ed her eyes , feeling the goos efles h s preading ac ros s her body, the s ic knes s welling up ins ide. Oh, God T he rem is s ion was over. It was s tarting again. S he hugged her pillow, the way s hed done as a c hild, gritting her teeth agains t the trem bling that was s tarting all over again. T hat s haking pain flared up again, and s he fought it down des perately. S he m us tnt think of it, m us tnt ac knowledge the way it was rac king her. T hink of what hed s aid. T hat the drug would have left her s ys tem c om pletely in a very few days . T hat s hed be whole again, without fear of need. T hat s hed be free again. S he brought A dam s fac e into her m ind again, trying to foc us on the ic y fire of his eyes , the erotic s hadows of that s o-expert m outh. W hat would he look like, naked? T anned, m us c led, utterly, arrogantly m ale. S he c urled into a tight ball, im agining him here bes ide her. S eeing hers elf wors hipping his body, exploring it with pos s es s ive hands , tas ting his s kin, drawing him to her until his love was hers , and he was c rus hing her agains t the tum bled s heets T he im ages were deliberately s ham eles s , their forc e knotting her ins ide. T hey kept her from thinking about hers elf. T hey burned like a furnac e in her lonelines s and c old. I dont want to eat! T earfully, s he pus hed the plate away, hating him . Cant you s ee I c ant keep anything down? S he was exhaus ted, her s pirit overs hadowed by a vas t blac k c loud of depres s ion. A s pas m of c oughing s hook her as s he lim ped to the kitc hen window, and s tared blearily out at the s leeting rain. T he ac ute agony of las t night had rec eded. B ut in its plac e was an alm os t s uic idal em ptines s . A non-pers on, c onfined and im pris oned and forgotten. S hed never felt this bleak and abandoned. W as no one m is s ing her in London by now? S hed been in this jail m ore than a week now. S urely to heaven s omeone m us t have notic ed that s he was gone? In her heart s he knew that s he wouldnt be m is s ed. A fter all, s inc e s hed s tarted writing the drugs artic le, her friends had grown us ed to her dis appearing for days on end Her em otions towards A dam had s ee-s awed irrationally bac k towards hos tility. It was as though he were the only thing s he c ould take her unhappines s out on. God, s he c roaked, I hate this wretc hed plac e. I feel s o trapped here. S he c oughed painfully again, rubbing her goos efles h-riddled arm s . I want to get away from here! Y oure los ing weight, A dam s aid m atter-of-fac tly. He was leaning agains t the kitc hen table, long legs hugged by tight denim s and tan-c oloured boots , a thic k fis herm ans jers ey em phas is ing the s trength of his arm s and s houlders . T he rough c lothes m ade him look even m ore m as c uline, if anything. He as s es s ed her figure with s aturnine eyes . A nd its c om ing off the wrong plac es . I dont want thos e c urves to flatten out, Mis s P res c ott. T hat would be vandalis m . Im not a s ex objec t, s he s napped, not am us ed by his tone. Y ou wont be a s ex objec t very m uc h longer, he agreed, not if you ins is t on s tarving yours elf. W ith neat s trokes , he quartered an apple, and offered her a red-s kinned c res c ent. Y ou have to try and eat, or your s trength will go- Y ou prom is ed m e painkillers . S he s wung on him , feveris hly. Y oure a liar! Y ou s aid I c ould have painkillers from today! Did I? He was unabas hed. W ell. E at s om e apple at leas t, and perhaps Ill let you have an as pirin. Margots m ood was s uddenly s avage, any truc e between them now over and dead. It was as though any intim ac y between them had never taken plac e, and all s he c ould feel for him this m orning was bitternes s . Her retort was unprintable. T he atm os phere in the c ottage was unbearable, the roughly-plas tered walls hem m ing her in like a pris on. Ive had enough, s he ground out, glaring at him . Im bloody well leaving, right now! Indeed? Y es , indeed!

A dam was utterly c om pos ed. He dug the knife into the s c arred pine table and folded his arm s . Go on, then. S he turned on her heel, and s talked to the front door, relis hing the fight that was going to follow. S he was in the m ood for a battle royal. A t leas t s hed have an exc us e to las h out at him , try and dent that c alm fac ade of his ! He didnt try and s top her. S he pulled an oils kin down from the rac k bes ide the door, tugged it on, and s lam m ed the door behind her. T he oils kin was too big, but it at leas t c ut the rain and wind out; underneath, s he was wearing only a light c otton top and denim s . A dam didnt follow her as s he c runc hed ac ros s the gravel. W as he really going to let her jus t walk out ? S he was alm os t too tens e and m is erable to c are either way. T he c ar was s till parked in front of the c ottage, but the keys werent in it. Clever A dam . Margot followed the road down into the trees , the road hed driven her up that firs t night in the Merc edes . S he hauled the hood of the oils kin over her hair, and trudged on through the dripping trees . T here were lim its , lim its to what s he c ould take. No one had ever m ade her s uffer the way A dam had. No one had the right to do that to another hum an being. Not even the great A dam , king of wis e ans wers . T he s ingle dull thought in her m ind was es c ape. Making her way to a road. T he firs t thing was to get away from this plac e, as far away as pos s ible. S he glanc ed briefly over her s houlder. A dam was nt following. Maybe, inc redibly, he would s im ply let her go. S he plodded on for a few hundred yards . B ut s he was s o tired; there s eem ed to be no energy left in her body. E very joint ac hed with fire, every m us c le s eem ed to be fibrillating like a broken s pring. S uddenly s he s eem ed to be running into an invis ible bric k wall. Her legs s lowed, bec om ing leaden. A few m ore painful s teps . T hen s he c ouldnt go any further. Naus ea had her doubled over, but there was nt a thing in her s tom ac h to c om e up, s o s he s ank s lowly on to her knees in the wet gravel, am ong the falling red and gold leaves . S he was too exhaus ted even to c ry. S o this was why A dam had let her walk out. Hed known s he s im ply didnt have the s trength to get m ore than a few hundred yards . Dam n him , s he thought bitterly, dam n him for his knowledge, his c ertainty. Margot looked bac k up the road with blurred eyes . T he c ottage was way out of s ight. S he hadnt the res erves of s trength to m ake it bac k. S he knelt in the rain, s haking weakly, waiting for him .

CHAP TE R FIV E T HE rum ble of the c ar c am e ten m inutes later, the wheels c runc hing on the gravel. S he hardly had the heart to lift her head and gaze up at him with pain-darkened eyes . I didnt get far, did I? s he whis pered. Further than I expec ted. He lifted her with eas y s trength on to the s eat in front of him , c radling her s lender body in his arm s . He was warm and s olid and s trong. S he felt like a naughty c hild being taken hom e by s om e patient unc le. Y ou m us t be feeling terrible, he s aid c alm ly, as he helped her off with her oils kin at the lodge. A t leas t there were no rec rim inations , no m oc kery in the deep grey eyes . W eakly, s he let him lead her to her bedroom . He towelled her dark hair dry, then helped her take off her wet c lothes . T he goos efles h was all over her body, m aking her s kin alm os t painfully s ens itive. Lie on the bed, A dam c om m anded. Ill rub you down. S he lay fac e down on the bed, naked but for the blac k s ilk briefs s hed put on that m orning. Y oure doing well. S he felt the tric kle of oil on her bac k. If youd only s top was ting energy fighting m e, and s tart fighting your s ym ptom s . S he pillowed her c heek agains t her folded arm s , and let her m ind s im ply go blank. T he m as s age was deep, s trong and c onfident, his hands expertly eas ing the c old and the tens ion out of her m us c les . S he lay lim ply, feeling the knots unwind all over her body as he worked down her bac k, her hips , her thighs , right down to her heels , bringing warm th and peac e. T he des peration ebbed gradually out of her veins . Only the his s ing of the rain outs ide broke the s tillnes s as he rubbed the warm oil into her s kin, and gently trac ed the c urved lines of her hips , the s trong, s lender m us c les of her legs . S oon s he was utterly, dream ily relaxed, even her dis c om fort about her near-nudity fading. In a s trange way, and des pite this m ans alm os t overwhelm ing m as c ulinity, s he no longer felt any juvenile bas hfulnes s about her body with him . In a s ens e, they were bec om ing lovers . In a s ens e. His hands were expert, and very s trong. S om etim es , as he c am e to a tens ed m us c le, the border between pleas ure and pain was very s light. I was wrong. His voic e was velvet as his palm s s lid ac ros s her inner thighs . Los ing a little weight has jus t m ade you m ore des irable. Do you realis e that its been a week s inc e you had heroin? S he nodded s lightly, not wanting to break the s pell. T hats exc ellent. Y oure over the wors t, and you dont know it. S he didnt utter the ironic retort that ros e to her lips . W ill you finis h the artic le? he as ked m atter-of-fac tly. Onc e youre well again? Margot laughed dream ily. He really expec ted her to get through this darknes s . He really did. Oh, A dam . S he opened her eyes and looked up over her s m ooth s houlder at him . In the c ool grey light, his fac e s eem ed alm os t s c ulpted, as though the fles h and bone had a tim eles s quality of m ale beauty. Y ou s ay that s o eas ily Rubbing you with oil is nt helping m y c onc entration, he s aid with a s m oky s m ile. Here. He pas s ed her the white s atin dres s ing-gown from behind the door, and s he wrapped it round hers elf, feeling terribly weak, but no longer s o des perate. S he leaned bac k agains t the headboard, the s ilk c linging to the oiled s kin, outlining the s oft peaks of her breas ts , andjus t s tared at him . Until now, s hed been s eeing this experienc e as a pointles s exc erc is e in pain. S he hadnt believed for a m om ent that s he would really end up free of her dependenc e. B ut c ould s he do it? T he pos s ibility was s uddenly alive in her. A n illum inated exit door from the dark tunnel s hed been in. A glim m er of light, at leas t. It hadnt really been real to her, not until this m om ent. A h T hrough s om e telepathy, hed read exac tly what s he was thinking. Y ouve got the m es s age at las t, pearl. Y oure going to be a free wom an in a very s hort tim e. Y oure half-way there already. W hat would you do if I gave you a pac ket of heroin right now? S he c ould only s hake her head, not knowing the ans wer. It jus t it jus t s eem s s o im pos s ible. Its not im pos s ible, he s aid s harply. Diffic ult, but not im pos s ible. Not unles s theres s om e s erious pers onal ins tability whic h is c rippling you ps yc hologic ally. A nd I dont think there is . I think youve been through a very painful period in your life, yes . B ut its over now, and its tim e to get bac k to living. T hey s ay that no one gives up heroin, s he s aid in a s m all voic e. He m ade an im patient ges ture. T hous ands of US s oldiers bec am e addic ts in V ietnam , Margot. Maybe as m uc h as a quarter of the total num ber. Y et when they returned, all but a tiny frac tion of them kic ked the habit. Only one per c ent of them rem ained addic ts after theyd got bac k hom e. London is nt exac tly S aigon, s he s aid tautly. I dont have the exc us e that I was fighting a war. No, A dam s aid brus quely, but the V ietnam experienc e s hows one c ruc ial thing that heroin addic tion c an be a trans ient experienc e in a hum an life. He s tared into her eyes . Y ou unders tand what Im s aying? Its s om ething that aris es when c oinc idenc e brings c ertain fac tors together. S he s hook her head, hugging her knees . Like what? Like intens e pers onal s tres s , the kind youve been through. Like feeling that nobody loves you. Like having the s tuff pus hed on you by the Riff Conroys of this world. He reac hed for her, fingers biting painfully into her s houlders through the s ilk. A re you lis tening, dam n it? Im lis tening, s he s aid uns teadily. T hen unders tand thats what happened to you. A nd its over now. Y oure pas t the wors t. His eyes held hers with a fierc e c om puls ion. Y oure going to m ake it, I s wear. Her gaze was drawn to the watc h on his right wris t. No bauble. A gold Rolex, the dial enc irc led by a fiery ring of diam onds . On any other m an it would have s eem ed effem inate. On him , it was s tunning. W atc hes like that and arrangem ents like this one didnt c om e c heap. E verything about him s pelled s uc c es s , ac hievem ent. His m ans body had a leopards grac e, radiating the s am e kind of dangerous s trength. A n overall im pres s ion of power. A quality to res pec t and fear. W hat was he doing here, was ting his tim e with a dead friends daughter who was , after all, jus t another addic t ? T ell m e about your brother, s he as ked. Y ou s aid hed been an addic t. W hat happened? A dam s fac e s tiffened. S he knew s he was treading on forbidden ground, but s he s uddenly wanted to widen the gap in the wall between them . P leas e, s he s aid quietly. T ell m e what happened to him . A dam leaned bac k s lowly. His eyes took on an inward look, and again s he had that flas h of feeling the he belonged to m ountains and des erts , pure and rem ote plac es . T here was s om ething in him no wom an would ever tam e. V ery well, he agreed s oftly. Y ou have a right to know. Mic hael had c anc er. He folded one leg beneath him , res ting his elbow on his other knee, and looked abs ently at her fac e, as though s eeing through her. In the bones . T hey c all it os teos arc om a. He was only twenty- three when he died. I Im s orry, A dam . It s ounded s o lam e, but s he had to s ay s om ething, drop s om e offering into that painful s ilenc e. T hey had to us e very s trong painkillers bec aus e he was going out of his m ind. Morphine, then heroin. His m outh tightened in a dry s m ile. Did it ever oc c ur to you how ugly thos e nam es are? W hen you s aid he was an addic t S he lifted her hands , then dropped them in her lap. I I didnt know thats what had happened. How c ould you have known? Dont look s o tragic . It was a long tim e ago now. It does nt s adden m e to talk about Mic hael, c herie. He had a worthwhile life. He res ted his c hin on his fis t, fac e brooding. A t the end, after s urgery and a long c ours e of radiotherapy, the pain had gone. B ut the dis eas e had s pread, and he had no m ore than a few m onths to live. He didnt want to die an addic t to heroin. How did he ? Margot didnt finis h the ques tion. W e went to Cors ic a together, he s aid dream ily, jus t the two of us , for a holiday. Maybe retreat would be a better word. W e s tayed in a hunting lodge, up in the m ountains . He glanc ed round with a dis tant s m ile. A plac e not unlike this one, rem ote and tranquil. T here we s im ply s at it out together, talking and waiting and lis tening to the m ountains . He didnt have m uc h phys ic al s trength, of c ours e, but he had a s trong will and a c lear m ind. W hen we c am e bac k to our fam ily, Mic hael was a free m an. He was able to prepare him s elf, and his affairs , to fac e death with dignity. T hank God, there was nt m uc h m ore pain, not even at the very end. He died three m onths afterwards , at hom e. Margots eyelas hes were wet. W as he was he your only brother? A dam s m iled that heart-m elting s m ile again. E ven though it c reas ed the s kin around his eyes and m outh, it s eem ed to take ten years off him . Oh, no. I have two younger brothers and two younger s is ters . B ut Mic hael and I were always very c los e. I taught him to s ki, to s ail, to s wim , to drive, to fly He drew a breath. W e were the bes t of friends . He led her to the kitc hen, and poured her a bowl of c ornflakes . T his tim e s he didnt argue, but s at where he ordered, eating in a kind of daze. S o, he went on, watc hing her over folded arm s , what about that artic le ? Y ou s aid you were working on the final draft. A re you going to try and get it publis hed? I dont know. T he whole thought of drugs terrifies m e now . .. W hat about City New s ? W ill your job s till be waiting for you ? I dont think s o, s he adm itted in a s m all voic e. A nyway, I dont know if Id want to go bac k, even if they were prepared to take m e. W hat will you do? he as ked s erious ly. Ifl ever get bac k to a norm al life, s he em phas is ed, Ill m ake a fres h s tart. Maybe Ill write a novel, or try and get a job in publis hing. S he s hrugged with an uneas y laugh. Ill find s om ething. Y oull have to. His tone was dec is ive. Y ou c ant s im ply drift, not after a thing like this . Its es s ential for you to res um e a norm al life. He paus ed. If you want m e to, Ill s ee what I c an do about finding you a job. Margots expres s ion c hanged. V ery kind of you, s he s aid s tiffly. B ut I think Id prefer to do without patronage, thanks . Y ou c ant afford any foolis h pride, he retorted, his eyes glinting. I s uppos e you s wing a lot of influenc e, M r A dam ? S he found his arroganc e s o hard to take s om etim es . It infuriated her when he talked about her in that pos s es s ive, proprietorial way. Im s ure you c ould twis t s om eones arm on m y behalf. Its jus t that youve interfered with m y life far too m uc h already. Her voic e was ac id. Id like to s ink or s wim on m y own from now on. His brows were a s torm y line for a s ec ond, and then his expres s ion eas ed. Id prefer you -to s wim . In any c as e, youre not out of the whirlpool yet, Margot. Dont be too arrogant too s oon. S he s tared at the puddle of m ilk in her em pty bowl, the c onvers ation s till ec hoing through her m ind. Getting bac k to a norm al life. W orking again. Getting the s trength to fac e her old friends , m ake new ones . Could it pos s ibly be within her reac h? A few days ago s hed have laughed bitterly at the idea. Now Maybe Ill rewrite that artic le, after all, s he s aid s uddenly, looking up at the devas tating fac e s hed c om e to know s o well. I know s o m uc h m ore now. B eing an addic t is like going underground. Its its as though your life c hanges from c olour to blac k and white. Y ou c ant think about norm al things any m ore. A ll you c an think about is where your next fix is c om ing from . Y ou dont take the s tuff to feel good. Not after the firs t few tim es . Y ou take the s tuff to keep from feeling bad. S he pic ked up her bowl, m eaning to take it over to the s ink. B ut you have to keep taking m ore and m ore. More and m ore, jus t to s top feeling as though youre dis integrating. T he bowl s lid through her fingers , s plintered on the floor. A bruptly, s he was going to c ry. S he felt the tears s urging up ins ide her, uns toppable and s c alding. Its jus t s o horrible! T he s obs were explos ive, s haking her helples s ly. Grief for what had happened to her over thes e pas t three m onths , grief for all the hurt s hed s een and felt, c am e flooding out of her with the s uddennes s of an earthquake, c hoking her throat and eyes . S he was num bly aware of A dam s hands s teadying her, guiding her bac k to the c hair, and then s he was c rying agains t his s houlder, her voic e broken and los t. He was her roc k, and s he c lung to him , c rying her heart out. T he paroxys m died down after a while, leaving her s haky and weak as a kitten. A dam was s troking her hair, holding her tight. Im Im s orry about the bowl, s he s aid, half-way between

a s ob and a laugh. Im s orry about everything, A dam . Im s uc h a fool, I jus t dont know what c om es over m e S m as h everything in the hous e, if it m akes you c ry, he s aid gently. T ears are your bes t m edic ine right now. W arm m ale lips touc hed eac h of her eyes , blotting the s oaked las hes . Ill m ake s om e tea. He bus ied him s elf with the kettle while s he dried her fac e. S he watc hed him with glis tening eyes , feeling c los er to him than s hed ever felt to any hum an being. Her roc k, her m agnific ent, m ajes tic m an, m aking her a c up of tea in jeans and a fis herm ans s weater. A pang of des ire s truc k her heart like an arrow; not phys ic al des ire, jus t des ire to have this always , this c los enes s . W hether there were tears or joy, to have him with her to s hare it. T here had been nothing in her life like this before, no experienc e s o prec ious as this tim e with A dam . He was m addening s om etim es , one of the m os t arrogant and s trongwilled people s hed ever known; yet even hating him was m ore vivid and intens e than any em otion s hed known. A dam was s o s trong, s o natural. S he rem em bered the way hed s im ply kidnapped her off the s treet, im m ac ulate in that beautiful B urberry c oat Oh A dam , s he thought s adly, Ive given you s o m any reas ons to des pis e m e. W ill you ever learn to s ee m e as a wom an and not jus t as a bird with a broken wing? S he had a foreboding s om ehow, s he c ouldnt explain why, that A dam was s oon going to be gone from her life. T he thought filled her with s ic k pain T he next m orning dawned beautiful and c loudles s , and A dam drove her up to the Hall. S hed awoken with little pain, and without that burs ting feeling of tens ion, and over breakfas t s he felt A dam s eyes taking in the touc hes of c olour that had appeared in her c heeks . T he invitation to c om e and s ee the s tud farm was tos s ed out alm os t c as ually, as though he didnt want to rus h her into any dec is ions , but Margot was s urpris ed at the eagernes s of her own res pons e. It was the firs t tim e s hed been away from the s ec urity of the c ottage and Darkris ing W ood s inc e s he had firs t entered them , and it was a s trange, alm os t dis quieting feeling. T he wors t of her withdrawal pains s eem ed to have gone, now. A s s he s at in the Merc edes bes ide him , thinking of that firs t day hed pic ked her up in London, s he was c ons c ious that her body and m ind were s lowly returning to a kind of norm ality. Have you ever been to a s tud farm before? A dam as ked as they drove through the woods . Margot s hook her head. Her firs t view of the s tud was unforgettable. It was a m as s ive c om plex of white-walled, grey-tiled buildings , its bac k s heltered by Darkris ing W ood, its front looking out ac ros s a vis ta of beautiful green gallops that s tretc hed into an idyllic lands c ape. T he buildings form ed four large c ourtyards , c overing at leas t two or three ac res . A s A dam guided the c ar up a gravelled drive that led through a c olonnade of great trees , a s tring of gleam ing hors es , eac h led by a s table lad, was em erging from the arc hed m ain gateway. W rought iron letters c urved overhead, reading: Harc ourt Hall T he K orda S tud. Margot was too flabbergas ted to s ay m uc h exc ept, W ow! S hed im agined s om ething grand, but not this jewel-like beauty. A dam K orda was nt jus t ric h. He was im m ens ely ric h. Do you ow n all this ? s he as ked in wonder. More or les s , he s aid with the ghos t of a s m ile. I bought it ten years ago, when it was badly run down, and Ive been res toring it ever s inc e. T he gravel c runc hed underfoot as they walked ac ros s the m ain yard towards the bloc k s ignpos ted Rec eption. Las t year I m anaged to ac quire the adjoining land, A dam went on. S everal hundred ac res in all, no us e for agric ultural purpos es , but ideal for exerc is ing the hors es . He glanc ed up at the s ky A nd for s tretc hing the s pirit a little. T his is unbelievable, s he m urm ured to him as they walked through the hum m ing offic e. How has your em pire m anaged without you for the pas t c ouple of weeks ? Its hardly an em pire, he s m iled. B loods toc k is an oddly intim ate little world. A nd dont be put off by the c om puters . T heyre jus t a c onvenient way of s toring inform ation about the s tud. T hey s ave a hell of a lot of paperwork, and it gives a s pec ial pers pec tive on the whole bus ines s of breeding hors es . He introduc ed her to a pretty brunette c alled S ara Gould, who was in c harge of the offic e. Margot watc hed the s taff of m ainly young wom en as A dam dealt briefly with a lis t of queries S ara had for him . S he was quietly envying their neat, fulfilled lives . S he c ould s ee the dis tinc t attrac tion of being one of thes e pretty young things right now, with no c are in the world but a c rus h on the bos s to worry about T he s tud exuded bus y order. A nd for all he was c as ually dres s ed in faded c avalry twill s lac ks and s hirt, boots , and a c learly well-us ed hac king jac ket, A dam s tood out c learly as m as ter in his own dom ain; Margot c ouldnt help notic ing the res pec tful way in whic h the s taff, from s table lads to m anagers , deferred to him , nor the relaxed friendlines s with whic h he res ponded. B eyond the c om puter-equipped offic es , m ore wonders unfolded. S et in an oc ean of lawn, form ed by a huge L in the s table bloc ks , s tood the m ain hous e. It was s o perfec tly proportioned as to s eem alm os t s m all in c om paris on to the long s table bloc ks , a three-s torey Queen A nne c ountry hous e in quarried s tone, the arc hed windows looking out ac ros s the park in neat rows . B es ide it was a vas t V ic torian greenhous e, its glas s dom es glittering, and beyond that, the dark green m as s of Darkris ing. B athed in the golden s unlight, it was a breathtakingly beautiful s ight. S ix or s even hors es were being exerc is ed in a field to the wes t of the m ain buildings , dom inated by the great s quare s hadow of the hous e. Is that where you live? Margot wondered in awe. S om e of the tim e, A dam nodded. T hough the c ottage s uits m e jus t as well. He s m iled at her. Its als o a lot m ore private. S he rec alled the glanc es of barely veiled c urios ity s om e of the s ec retaries had given her. Did the whole s tud know that A dam K orda was keeping a raving m adwom am loc ked up in his lodge? Do they know about m e? s he as ked hes itantly. Y our em ployees , I m ean? T hey think youre m y c ous in, he s aid gently. Rec uperating after a s erious illnes s . No one knows who you really are, or why youre here. T hats a s m all m erc y, Margot m uttered. W hat would they s ay if they knew youd kidnapped m e? W hat would they s ay if they knew youd been a heroin addic t? he c ountered eas ily. B right eyes s parked a c hallenge at her, and s he looked away. Com e on, he c om m anded with a grin, and Ill s how you s om e of our bes t s tallions before we s ee the hous e. T hey were beautiful c reatures , eac h m ajes tic m ale kept in gleam ing c ondition, and hous ed in c entrally heated, room y ac c om m odation that probably rated five s tars in the equine world. Not all of them were approac hable, but A dam gave her s ugar lum ps to offer the gentler anim als , and it was a s trange thrill to feel the velvety m uzzles s nuffling in her palm , to s troke the gleam ing c oats . T he yards , A dam told her, had been des igned to give the hors es the benefit of m axim um s unlight and air, together with s helter. B uilt into the m ain c om plex was a fully equipped veterinary laboratory, and even a large indoor pool not for the s taff, but for the hors es . S wim m ing happens to be exc ellent exc erc is e for hors es , A dam s m iled in ans wer to her s c eptic al expres s ion. Its a little too c old at this tim e of year, but in the s um m er theres nothing they love better than a s wim . T hey live better than m os t hum ans do, s he c om m ented. T hey work harder than m os t hum ans do, A dam retorted, and they m ake a dam n s ight m ore m oney. He s lapped the nec k of a big, glos s y bay s tallion whod been peering inquis itively over his s table door at them . T his is S ea Cottage. S ix of his firs t-c rop yearlings m ade over two hundred thous and pounds at T atters alls las t year. W hats T atters alls ? s he enquired. T he top auc tioneers at A intree, he s aid, winc ing at her ignoranc e. A nd whats m ore, his foals have s hown really exc iting talent on the trac k this s eas on. Hes turning out to be an exc eptional s ire. Margot c ould s ee the obvious em pathy between m an and beas t, two s plendid m ale anim als s haring a kind of extra-s ens ory unders tanding. He s eem s to know youre pleas ed with him , anyway, s he c om m ented, reac hing out to s troke the jet-blac k m ane. W hat m ade you go into breeding rac ehors es , of all things ? He glanc ed at her in s urpris e for a m om ent, then nodded s lightly, as though rem em bering s he knew next to nothing about him . My fam ily have always been bloods toc k breeders , bac k to the fourteenth c entury and beyond, he s aid gently. T hey were originally of gyps y s toc k, or s o the legend goes , but they s ettled in c entral E urope during the Middle A ges . K orda hors es have m arc hed in the arm ies of P opes , rac ed for the s tables of princ es ac ros s E urope. E ven E lizabeth the Firs t owned a K orda s tallion. He led her through an arc hed gateway into the next yard, where a group of lads were c oaxing a hands om e young m are out of a loos e-box. In the nineteenth c entury, he went on, the bus ines s bec am e very run down. T he advent of the m otor-c ar did the res t. A round the turn of the c entury, m y greatgrandfather m oved to E ngland, and kept the fam ily nam e and bus ines s going, though in a very s m all way, breeding plac id hors es for little girls to ride in gym khanas . Y ou appear to have res tored the bus ines s to its form er glory, Margot c om m ented s oftly, glanc ing at his fac e. Ive tried, he nodded, fierc e pride arc hing his nos trils m om entarily. S inc e m y c hildhood, Margot, I had only one real am bition in m y m ind to m ake the K orda s tud live again. My brothers are m en of the twentieth c entury. He s hrugged expres s ively. Mic hael, who died, was a c om puter wizard. S im on is training to be a lawyer. My s is ters are too c onc erned with hus bands and babies . Our father and m other died when we were c hildren. He m et her eyes with that heart-m elting s m ile. T hat left only m e the throwbac k. Y et youre too c om plex to be s im ply a throwbac k, s he ans wered his s m ile. Y ou obvious ly revel in expens ive c ars , c om puters , m odern things like that. Is nt that a c ontradic tion? Maybe. He s urveyed her m outh with hooded eyes , as though wondering how well s he really unders tood him . B ut I feel theres s om e inborn im puls e in m e to work with hors es , s om ething inherited from all thos e generations of m y anc es tors . S om ething in the blood? s he as ked, only half teas ing. W hy not? He pointed to a figure in a trilby and s heeps kin c oat, walking ac ros s the yard towards the young m are. T hat m an is B illy S haughnes s y, m y m anager and trainer-in-c hief. T he Iris h are the m os t experienc ed breeders in E urope, and I trus t B illys judgem ent im plic itly. His father trained hors es , and his grandfather before him . Its in his blood, too. I want to s how you Mac allen, our top s tallion. Y oure not too tired to go on? T here was c onc ern in his eyes as he took her arm . He tilted her c hin up s o that he c ould look into her fac e. Dam n, he m uttered, alm os t to him s elf. I s hould have known youre not s trong enough yet. Im fine, s he s aid with a s m ile, although the unac c us tom ed exerc is e had begun to tell on her. His touc h m eant s o m uc h to her. I want to s ee Mac allen, A dam , really I do. For all his im pos ing s ize, the blac k s tallion was as light on his feet as a c at. T he s table lad who led him out of the s tone arc hway had pride written all over his s nub-nos ed features . He trotted Mac allen ac ros s the yard, and Margot c ould only m arvel at the fluid, danc ing m ovem ent of the s tallion. Under the gleam ing c oat, the rangy m us c les were perfec tly defined, the s trength of his long legs belying their s lendernes s . A dam s eyes had s oftened. T his is Mac allen, Margot. Our pride and joy. T his year he bec am e E uropes leading s ire of twoyear-olds , with twenty-s even s takes winners in his firs t two c rops . Has he been for his run yet, David? Not yet, Mr K orda, c am e the broad Y orks hire reply, He had a gallop ac ros s top field las t T hurs day, but vets been keeping him in s inc e then. S o thats why hes looking a bit indignant, is it? S he watc hed as A dam ran s ure fingers down the hors es leg, m urm uring endearm ents in a s oft voic e. T hat s wellings right down this m orning. I think Ill take him out m ys elf, jus t for ten m inutes . S addle him up, pleas e, David. He s m iled at Margot while the lad s addled the hors e up. W hat do you think of him ? Hes abs olutely beautiful, Margot s aid hones tly, watc hing the proud plum es of s team at the flaring nos trils . He m us t be worth a fortune. W hat a m erc enary idea, A dam growled. B ut he looked am us ed none the les s . Hes worth a lot, yes . B ut that is nt why we love him . S m oothly, he hois ted him s elf into the s addle, tuc king his boots into the s tirrups . Nervous at firs t, the s tallion pranc ed bac kwards , s norting, but A dam s hands were like velvet on the reins . He wheeled the big hors e round, and with a c lic k of his tongue s et him c antering ac ros s the yard towards the field. T he c lattering s teel-s hod hooves s truc k s parks off the s tone as

they c ros s ed the path. T he lad, David, m oved to Margots s ide as s he walked to the fenc e to watc h. He wont let m any people ride him , he s aid with a s c owl whic h s at oddly on his adoles c ent fac e. S inc e hes been at s tud, hes got out of the way of being ridden by all and s undry. B ut Mr K orda c an get him to do anything. Is A dam good with hors es ? Margot as ked. W hat does it look like? the lad retorted in s c orn at her ignoranc e. S he watc hed in s ilenc e while A dam broke into a gallop. He was like a c entaur, his hips fus ed with the beas t beneath him , yet utterly in c ontrol of all that puls ing power. T he drum m ing of Mac allens hooves was like a pagan tattoo on the earth. T here was no hint of roughnes s or c ruelty, and yet the hors e obeyed every m ovem ent of thigh and hand. T he m orning light glanc ed off the s talions glos s y c oat, outlining A dam s lithe body as he c rouc hed over the hors es bac k. A wry s m ile c rept ac ros s her full m outh. K orda hors es hav e marc hed in the armies of P opes , rac ed for the s tables of princ es ac ros s E urope. It was eas y to s ee him as a m edieval princ e, lanc e in hand as he urged the blac k s tallion ac ros s the dewy gras s with the s peed of a s triking hawk. Is he kind? s he as ked, for no reas on s he c ould think of. T o the hors es , I m ean. A ye. David s eem ed uns urpris ed at the ques tion. Y ou get a lot of rough people in this bus ines s . Hors es dont like it, m is s . Ive worked with em all m e life, and I know. T he boy, who m us t have been all of s ixteen, was following A dam with intent eyes . He never gets im patient nor forc es them to do anything they dont want to. T hey jus t obey him . Unc anny, like. He c an get them to do anything. I s ee, Margot s aid gravely. Is he a good bos s ? Hes all right. T he boys m outh c los ed like a trap, and s he had to hide a s m ile. B ehind that fierc e s c owl, s he realis ed, David the s table lad was hiding a bad c as e of hero-wors hip. W hat dyou think of the hors e, m is s ? T he hors e is beautiful, s he nodded. A nd s o is the m an, s he added s ilently to hers elf. More beautiful than any hors e c ould ever be, m ore alive, m ore wonderful. A re all the hors es here A dam s ? Mos t of em . Mr K orda puts his own m ares to the s tud s tallions , m is s . He looked at her to s ee if s hed unders tood. T hat c uts down on the num ber of vis iting m ares , but it s hows what kind of m an he is . Hes got c onfidenc e in his s toc k, you s ee. Hes not in this gam e jus t for the m oney. It does nt look as though he needs any m ore, s he c om m ented, looking at the im m ac ulately kept s urroundings . He does nt. Hes the bes t. David nodded his tous led head at Mac allen. T hat hors e m ade over a m illion in prize m oney, m is s . A nd thats peanuts c om pared to what hes m aking at s tud. It was nt diffic ult to put on an im pres s ed expres s ion for the lad. W hen A dam finally galloped the hors e up to her, his dark hair had been s wept bac k from his forehead, and his eyes were glittering with enjoym ent. He runs like the wind, he grinned, reining in in front of them . T he s team was c louding at his m outh as he panted s lightly. No s ign of that s train. Ill get the vet down to c hec k him this afternoon. Do you ride, Margot? I dont ride hors es like that, s he laughed nervous ly, overwhelm ed by his s heer m ale pres enc e. Y ou will do, he prom is ed. T he thought hit her with s udden forc e. Fv e met my man. It was nt a feeling of s ubjugation, of being dom inated. It was s om ething m uc h deeper, s om ething that touc hed her heart. In A dam , s he had found a m an who c ould m ake her do anything. A m as ter, perhaps , but m ore than a m as ter. A m an who c ould lift her to the greates t heights s he would ever ac hieve. S till dazed by that m om ent of rec ognition, s he reac hed out a tentative hand to touc h Mac allens s leek, powerful s houlders . Hes good-tem pered, dont worry, s aid A dam , reac hing into his poc ket. He ought to be, c ons idering the life he leads . Give him this . Margot took the s ugar lum p A dam pas s ed down to her, and held it out in her palm . Mac allens m uzzle was m ois t with s team as he s nuffled it up. His eyes were indeed s weet- expres s ioned, unlike the rather s avage look s hed s een in s om e of the s tallions eyes . He really is beautiful, s he repeated in awe. T here was always s om ething dom inant about a m an on a hors e; when it was a m an like A dam , it took your breath away. Her m an. S he would always belong to him , s he felt that as s urely as s he knew s he was s tanding here before him . B ut would he ever c ould he ever belong to her? W ell find one of the gentler m ares for you to learn on. B ut m aybe not today. A dam pas s ed the reins to David, and s lid down fluidly. He gave the hors es nec k an affec tionate s lap. T ake him bac k to the s tables , pleas e, David. Did you enjoy that? s he as ked as the lad trotted away with the s tallion. I did. Hands on hips , A dam arc hed his bac k with a grunt. I havent been on a hors e for weeks . T oo bus y with m e, s he s ugges ted. Hed looked s o m agnific ent on hors ebac k that it was alm os t an effort to banter with him now. Maybe. He s traightened, m eeting her eyes with a direc tnes s that m ade her heart c ontrac t. W ed better get bac k to the c ottage. Y ouve got an appointm ent with the doc tor at two-thirty.

CHAP TE R S IX T HE doc tor was blonde, very attrac tive, and in her m id- thirties . Her nam e was Chris tine Gollings , and s he told Margot during the c ours e of a very thorough exam ination that although hers was bas ic ally a rural prac tic e, s hed had detailed experienc e of drug addic tion in Liverpool, in her firs t s urgery. A nd although it was Margots firs t real c hanc e to c om plain to a res pons ible third party that s he was being held pris oner here agains t her will, s he didnt do s o. S he wouldnt have dream ed of it. Dr Gollings , indeed, s eem ed to as s um e that s hed c om e here of her own free will. In m any ways , s he m urm ured, lis tening to Margots c hes t, youve c hos en the hardes t way of doing it. B ut als o the bes t. Y ouve been a very brave wom an indeed. S he s lipped the s tethos c ope off and m ade a note. Y our c hes ts s till a bit rattly. T hats to be expec ted. Its not really worth giving you anything, as long as you keep c oughing it all up. T he hands om e blue eyes were unexpec tedly penetrating. Y oure not going to be tem pted bac k to heroin, are you? T heres a very s erious ris k of pulm onary oedem a, you know. Ive s een addic ts who died s o quic kly the needles were s till s tuc k in their veins . Y ou dont have to terrify m e, Margot s aid gently, pulling her s hirt down. Im not going bac k to heroin. T he words were out before s hed thought about them . Y ou s ound as though you m ean it. T he blonde doc tor looked really pleas ed. Oh, I do, Margot thought tiredly. Now that I have s om ething to live for, I do. I s hould really s end thes e notes to your GP , s aid Dr Gollings , glanc ing at Margot. B ut I wont if you dont want m e to. Id rather keep it private, s he s aid, thinking of old Dr S im ps on. My GP probably is nt as c om fortable with drug addic tion as you are. I s ee. W e c an talk about it later, in any c as e. T he doc tor put the notes away. A nd you? s he s aid quietly. A re you c om fortable with yours elf? Im not s ure what you m ean, Margot s aid. I m ean that your s elf-im age s eem s to be low. Do you feel that bec aus e of your addic tion youve los t a part of your s elfres pec t even your s elf-trus t? Margot looked at her own hands , the nails plain and unvarnis hed. T hat was the way s he felt right now. P lain and unvarnis hed. Like a s ilk blous e that had s om ehow found its way through the wringer. S he glanc ed up at the doc tor with a s light s hrug. I dont exac tly feel proud of m ys elf, no. Ive been alm os t inc redibly s tupid, and its rather a jolt to dis c over jus t how idiotic you c an be. Do you trus t yours elf? the doc tor pres s ed. T rus t yours elf to c arry on with a norm al life, I m ean? I think s o. How c ould you explain the s ham e and regret to a s tranger? Not that Chris tine Gollings pres enc e em barras s ed her. T here was only one pers on with whom s he felt as ham ed of hers elf. T he m an whod s een her through every hum iliation and s hadow of detoxific ation. T he m an who knew her better than anyone had ever known her. Could he ever res pec t her again? It was nt her own trus t s he doubted. It was A dam s trus t in her. I expec t A dam has been a great help? the doc tor s aid, as though pic king up her thoughts . Margot drew a breath. Hes been S he c ouldnt find a word. Quite. B y the expres s ion on Dr Gollings bee-s tung m outh, s he obvious ly s us pec ted that A dam was Margots lover, but was too diplom atic to as k. A dam and m y father were good friends , Margot s aid with a s light s m ile. T hats the only reas on hes interes ted in m e. I m et him for the firs t tim e when he er invited m e up here. I know hardly anything about him . Y es , he explained about your father. Im s orry about that. His death m us t have been a bad s hoc k for you. Dr Gollings looked as though s he didnt quite know how to phras e what s he was going to s ay next. T he thing is that, with going s traight on to heroin, you havent had tim e to grieve properly yet. If you know what I m ean. T hat m ay explain why youre prone to depres s ion now delayed grief over your fathers death, whic h only happened a few m onths ago, after all. Im not a ps yc hologis t, but Id advis e you not to hold bac k any feelings of grief. J us t let it out. S he gave Margot a bottle of parac etam ol tablets , and s tarted pac king her bag. A dam tells m e you c ry rather eas ily. T hats probably a good thing, dont you think s o? It brings relief, Margot nodded. A dam s a rem arkable m an, the doc tor s aid, as I expec t youve already gathered. He has a fantas tic c apac ity to ins pire people, whic h I s uppos e explains all the m illions . How did he pers uade you to try and c om e off heroin? He didnt give m e m uc h c hoic e, Margot s aid abs ently, thinking about what the other wom an had s aid. He m us t be a m illionaire m any tim es over. A nyone whos interes ted in hors es between K entuc ky and Hong K ong knows about A dam K orda, the doc tor s m iled. His fam ily have been great bloods toc k breeders for God knows how m any c enturies . S he patted Margots arm . If youre going to be s taying here m uc h longer, I hope you like hors es . A nyhow, you s eem to have c om e through detoxific ation extraordinarily well, Margot. Y ouve ac hieved s om ething beyond the norm al. I dont s ay that lightly, either. Y ouve got s om ething to be very, very proud of. J us t keep going the way you are, and youll never look bac k. S he s napped the bag s hut, and untied her golden hair from the s evere pony-tail. S uddenly s he looked younger, and m uc h m ore fem inine. Ill s ee you again in a few days . Rem em ber what Ive told you keep warm , and keep eating and drinking. A nd dont be worried about the dream s . T heres a rebound of RE M s leep that c an las t for a c ouple of m onths Margot followed the doc tor out of her bedroom , lis tening with half a m ind to the advic e s he was being given. Until today, s he hadnt ever thought of A dam K orda as having a life beyond this c ottage, and her. W hat s hed found out this m orning had been thrilling yet it had als o been frightening W ell, A dam enquired, how do you think s he is ? S hes been through a great deal, Chris tine Gollings told him s erious ly. S hes s hown exc eptional c ourage. Ive c hec ked all her vital func tions , and I dont think s hes going to have any phys ic al problem s but s he s till needs a lot of res t, and a lot of tim e to get bac k her full s trength. I think we c an provide that, s aid A dam s olem nly. A nd the long-term prognos is ? T hats up to Margot. W ith a pang of irony, Margot noted the m elting way Chris tine Gollings was looking at A dam . Did he have this effec t on all wom en? Y ou were right about her, A dam . S he is nt an ordinary pers on at all. S he s trikes m e as having a great deal of quiet s trength. I think s hes going to c om e through. Oh, s he will. I never had any doubt, A dam purred, with a s low s m ile that was m eant for Margot alone. I never had any doubt at all. B ut Margot was brooding s ilently, c urled in her c hair. Oh yes , s he was alm os t c ured now. A nd her problem s had only jus t begun. W hen A dam had firs t brought her to this plac e, s he had hated him . Now s he didnt know what s he felt for him . B ut above all her c onfus ion, one thing was c ertain. S he didnt want to ac c ept that this prec ious tim e would ever have an end. S he wanted to s tay here with him , hating him , loving him , quarelling with him , being c los e to him , for ever. S he didnt want to find out anything that m ight take him away from her. Didnt want to dis c over the thous and things in his life that would c om e between her and him wom en, work, am us em ents abroad. Like when you were a c hild, s hutting your eyes and hoping the fear would go away His life was s o ric h, s o c om plete. A nd hers ? S hed s c arc ely begun her life, and had dam n near botc hed that beginning, too. S he had s o little. No job, no fam ily to s peak of, nothing. Did s he really have anything to offer him ? T he days that followed were filled with a growing s ens e of wonder for Margot. London was like another world to her now, half forgotten. Her addic tion had faded into nothing, leaving her free to think about hers elf for the firs t tim e. A nd Chris tine Gollings had been right s he had needed to grieve for her father, and that brought a great relief of em otions ins ide her. A fter s o m uc h unhappines s , life was beginning to hold joy for her again. It was nt s im ply that s he was c om ing out of the s hadows of addic tion, and that her dependenc e on heroin was fading into m em ory; that feeling s hed had up at the Hall was growing into s om ething deep and potent ins ide her. It had unloc ked s om ething in her heart, and with the firs t s prinkling of s now, and the las t of the golden leaves , words c am e to her. A nd s hed never talked s o m uc h in her life before; a great pouring-out of words that he never s eem ed to tire of lis tening to. E xperienc es , s ec rets , m em ories of her c hildhood. W andering through Darkris ing, or learning to ride on one of the m ares up at the s tud, s he would find hers elf telling A dam things s he thought s hed forgotten, things s hed never believed s he c ould tell anyone. T he exerc is e helped her to regain her s trength even m ore quic kly. W hen Chris tine Gollings c am e to look at her for a s ec ond tim e, s he told Margot that s he was alm os t ready to res um e a norm al life. S he c om m ented, too, on Margots im proved m ood, and the s elf-c onfidenc e whic h was beginnning to s how in her eyes . B ut her deep-s eated fear that A dam would always regard her with c ontem pt, or at bes t with pity, was s till there, jus t beneath the s urfac e of her s ec urity. Late one afternoon after that, A dam lifted the flyfis hing rod down from its plac e on the pantry wall, and took her down to the river. T he s uns et was like an im m ens e s tained-glas s window over the river, the evening s oft and m ild. It was extraordinary to be s tanding thigh-deep in the m iddle reac hes of the fas t-m oving and probably ic y water, and yet not to feel the c old. T he rubber waders hed given her were c os y and warm , for all they were a s ize too big, and the s am e applied to the B arbour c oat that s m elled vaguely of his body. A s s he s tum bled on the c runc hy pebbles underfoot, he s teadied her. Y oull s c are the fis h to death, he growled. T he whole point is to be s ilent and c unning. S orry, s he whis pered. S he took the rod he pas s ed her, s ens ing the light whippines s of the hand-built c ane. T he river s wirled around their thighs before s urging over the outc rop of roc ks a little downs tream . B eyond, it broadened into a s weep of s ilver water like a m iniature lagoon. T heyre s till ris ing to the fly at this tim e of year, he told her c ons piratorially. A nything that lands on the s urfac e of the water s tands a c hanc e of being s napped up by a hungry s alm on. E ver done any fis hing before? I onc e c aught a perc h on the T ham es , s he s aid lam ely. Daddy baited the hook. T he bares t tilt of an eyebrow expres s ed total s c orn. Fly fis hing is different. W e dont m es s around with s lim y things like m aggots . In fac t, we dont us e any edible bait at all. He s howed her the fly. It was an exquis ite thing, a c onfec tion of tiny s pec kled feathers m ade to look like a s m all ins ec t. T he hook, s harp as a needle, c urved bac k under the tail. T hats a nas ty little tric k, Margot c ouldnt help s aying ruefully. It is rather, is nt it? He c ons idered the hook with an expert eye. Delic ious to look at, deadly to s am ple. Rather like s om e wom en Ive known. Right, s ee if you c an get it to land under that tree, ac ros s by the other bank. S he s wung the rod as he direc ted her, and the fly s plas hed c lum s ily into the water a few feet away. A dam grunted deris ively. Never m ind. Ill m ake a fis herm an of you yet. Fis herpers on. S he s hot him a glanc e from below lowered las hes . A nd that c om m ent about wom en was s exis t in the extrem e. A ll right, fis herpers on. W atc h. He whipped the rod in a long arc , and line looped over their heads , thirty feet through the evening air. T he fly s ettled with barely a ripple on the s urfac e of the water. Ins tantly, there was a s wirl in the water beneath, and the fly bobbed for a few s ec onds before c om ing to res t. T here he is , A dam m uttered. T he old rogue him s elf. Ive been trying to c atc h him for three years . B ut hes s us pic ious . He does nt believe you get anything for nothing in this life. Hes right. Margot watc hed the s pot in fas c ination. A dam let the fly drift for a while longer, then s tarted reeling it in. It was one of the m os t beautiful s pots s hed ever been in, with a vas t, tim eles s tranquillity. T he trees along the bank were s hedding their c rim s on leaves into the water, one by one; half a m ile downs tream , an old s tone bridge s panned the river. A fter that, there was a bend in the river, and the great woods beyond. Do you own all this ? s he as ked quietly. Down to the bridge, he nodded, c onc entrating on the rod. S he watc hed the way his body m oved as he c as t out again, s upple, s trong and elegant. A ll this tim e youre s pending on m e, A dam , s he s aid quietly. How c an you afford it? I s pend a c ouple of m onths eac h year jus t s ailing. He re-tied

the fly, eyes narrowed with c onc entration. Ive never let m y work dom inate m e, Margot. If you do, s uc c es s bec om es jus t an illus ion. I value m y own independenc e too m uc h to let anything tie m e down. Does that apply to wom en, too? s he c ouldnt help as king. His expres s ion was am us ed. Y our s ens e of c urios ity s eem s to be reviving. It was jus t that little c rac k about the wom en youve known, s he s aid, her c heeks c olouring faintly. Is that how you s ee the fem ale s ex? P retty, but intent on trapping m en? I didnt s ay all wom en, he rem inded her. Only s om e wom en. Y et you m us t have had s o m any wom en, Margot c hallenged. A m an like you you m us t have wounded s om e of them ? Maybe all of them ? W ere here to kill a s alm on, he s aid, the veiled s m ile his only reproof for her probing. T ry again. His arm s were s trong around her, guiding her hands on the rod. T his tim e, the fly s ailed grac efully overhead, and plopped into the s till water a res pec table dis tanc e away. Muc h better, he judged. Now leave it there, and well s ee if youve fooled the old fellow. S he watc hed the fly on the twilight river, waiting for that hungry s wirl under the water. T he c lic k-c lic k of the reel was a s oothing s ound. S hed never known how peac eful fly fis hing c ould be, in the im m ens e c alm of this s uns et. S he hadnt realis ed he was s tudying her until he s aid s oftly, A t las t youre beginning to look like you s hould. W hat? s he laughed, turning to him . In green waders and your c as t-off fis hing-jac ket ? No. Clear-eyed and healthy, with c olour in your c heeks . T he expres s ion in his eyes jolted her. Her s m ile faded. W as he telling her it was c om ing to the tim e for her to leave? I I s till feel terribly weak, s he s aid truthfully. Dont forget what Chris tine s aid about the res t Im going to need S he broke off on a gas p as the rod buc ked in her hands . S he barely had the pres enc e of m ind to grab hold of the c ork handle before the reel exploded into a long exc ited buzz as the line s urged out. Y ou m us t have hooked the old ras c al him s elf! A dam s aid in awe as the quivering tip c urved like a bow. T he glinting line was rac ing from the reel as though an outraged water dem on were on the other end. S he pus hed the rod at him . Y ou take it, s he s aid, halfway between terror and exc item ent. Hes your fis h, A dam grinned. Nothing to do with m e. B ut but what m us t I do? B etter s low the reel down before he runs away with all your line, for one thing. How ? W ith your hand. T he fric tion burned her palm , but the line s lowed down in its headlong rus h. Good, he nodded. Now try and reel him in. S he c ould never have believed a fis h would pos s es s s uc h s trength. For every few inc hes s he m anaged to reel in, the furious s alm on s eem ed to c laim bac k as m any yards . A nd des pite her pleas , A dam refus ed to take the rod over. He was c ontent to watc h her with an am us ed glitter in his eyes , giving her lac onic advic e. Dont let him get beyond thos e roc ks , or hell s nap your line like c otton. Dont let the line go s lac k. K eep it tight s o he c ant jerk. W ithin the firs t few m inutes s he was exhaus ted. T he battle was s teadily going to the s alm on. Margot was nt us ed to this kind of exerc is e, and her bac k and s houlder m us c les were ac hing. I c ant hold him , s he panted. Hes going to get away! Dont you dare, growled A dam fierc ely. Ive been trying to hook this one for years . K eep the rod up, girl! S hed die rather than let him down, even over s om ething like this ! A lm os t out of breath, Margot s trained at the fis hing rod, whic h was as potent as a live thing in her inexpert hands . Fifteen yards away, the water exploded into a s ilver arc as the s alm on leaped c lear. S he c aught a glim ps e of a s pec kled, bullet-s m ooth flank, and then the fis h was gone, hauling at her line with vic ious s trength. God, hes big! s he gas ped. Y oure bigger. A dam reac hed out and flic ked a c atc h on her reel. S tart pulling him in now, Margot. Haul on the rod, then reel in, haul and reel in. K eep doing that as long as you c an. S he obeyed, her heart pounding. It felt as though s he were trying to pull a s team loc om otive along a trac k. B ut the fight had s lowly s wung her way; the s truggling fis h was inevitably being drawn c los er to them . K eep going, A dam c om m anded urgently. Dont give up now. S he was alm os t ready to drop by the tim e the s alm on was within s triking dis tanc e. A dam waded towards the thras hing water with the net at the ready, while s he tried to keep the fis h from rac ing off again. T he rod was bent alm os t double, s he c ould hear the c ane c reak in her s training fingers . Quic kly, s he begged, knowing her s trength was all but exhaus ted; her arm s felt like tired s paghetti now. T here. In one fluid m ovem ent, hed netted the s alm on. T he m ightly pull was gone from the rod. Onc e the great fis h was in the net, the fight s eem ed to go out of it. A part from a few s urging m ovem ents , it lay s till, the gills gas ping in the c old air. I think youve jus t about worn eac h other out, A dam s aid gently. T here was a s trange expres s ion on his fac e as he held the yard-long s alm on tight agains t his c hes t, and eas ed the hook from its gaping jaws . Feeling as though s hed jus t run an Olym pic m ile, Margot waded wearily towards him . T he s alm on was a m agnific ent c reature, gleam ing s ilver and brown, s m ooth- m us c led as a torpedo, with an irides c ent s heen to the fine s c ales . Its eyes were like jewels , the pink gills s till gulping wildly in the c hoking air. How beautiful, s he whis pered, pres s ing c los e to A dam s arm , s taring into the net. Y our fis h, he s aid hus kily, s taring into her eyes . It was a good fight. Y ou are going to let him go? s he s aid, alm os t pleadingly. Y es . He touc hed the gleam ing flank. A bientot, mon v ieux . S he watc hed, feeling a s udden burs t of delic ious happines s ins ide as A dam lowered the fis h under the water, holding it there. T he s un was alm os t gone, the s ky a s him m ering s wathe of violet in the eas t, velvet-blue overhead. T he s alm on gulped in the c old water for long s ec onds , only its fins s tirring, as though s c arc ely able to believe its luc k. T hen, with an eruption of s leek s trength, it s urged out of A dam s hands , heading like a s ilver harpoon towards Margots legs . W ith a yelp, s he tried to s tep bac k. T he river-bottom was pebbly, and before s he knew what was happening, s he c ollaps ed bac kwards into the ic y water. W etnes s was an ins tant, unpleas ant s hoc k to the s ys tem . A c utely c ons c ious of her indignity, s he floundered wildly, trying to s tand up, then s liding wais t-deep again. S he felt A dam s fingers c los e round her wris ts , hauling her upright. S pluttering, s he wiped her eyes . Her c lothes were s oaked and heavy around her, even her hair wet and ic y around her c heeks . Y ou dare laugh Not even a c huc kle, word of honour, he grinned, s teadying her. Y ou havent los t m y bes t fly-rod, have you? S uddenly helples s with giggles , s he groped for the rod. Laughter was bubbling out of her the way tears had c om e only a few days earlier. Here it is . S he pas s ed him the dripping thing. Im awfully s orry Dont be s orry. Y ou happen to be rather m arvellous at the m om ent. S om ething in the hus ky tone of his voic e m ade her look up quic kly. His eyes were dark with s udden des ire, the laughter ebbing out of them . A dam s he s tarted to s ay, but whatever the s entenc e was , s he never got it finis hed. He was pulling her c los e, oblivious of everything, his m outh s eeking hers . S hed kis s ed A dam before, but not like this . It was as though theyd both been waiting for this m om ent for a lifetim e, des iring it, ac hing for it yet leaving s o m uc h unac knowledged, s o m any words uns aid. His warm lips m oved with expert gentlenes s agains t the s m ooth wetnes s of her own, teas ing her m outh open. T he delic ious warm th that s pread through her body m ade a m oc kery of any c old s he was feeling. Margot lifted her arm s to c ling m eltingly round his nec k, m oulding hers elf agains t his lean, m us c ular body. S he s uddenly felt s o weak that the river m ight have was hed her away, had A dam not been there to s tay her with his roc k-like s trength. Here, in m id-s tream , m utual des ire had loc ked them together in im pregnable s afety. T here were no words , jus t kis s es that deepened as they repeated them s elves , gentle m ouths that explored one anothers fac es , tas ted eac h others burgeoning pas s ion. He kis s ed her with an intens ity that was like nothing any m an had ever given her, devouring her s oft lips , the delic ate fem ininity of her tongue, s avouring her s kin and hair as though s he were the m os t beautiful flower, filled with nec tar that he had to have. Like s om ething that had been denied s unlight, Margot felt her s oul expanding its wings in the warm th, her fingers hungry as they ran through his thic k hair, trailed down the rough s tubble of his c heeks K is s ing was an ec tas y, kis s ing was a torm ent. It s howed her what had been hidden in her em otions for s o long, yet it als o s howed her s o m uc h m ore to des ire. T he c ares s of his lips was intoxic ating at her tem ples , the yielding s weetnes s of her m outh, the s lender c olum n of her throat. W hen he whis pered her nam e, s he looked up dizzily into his fac e, knowing that he was feeling the s am e drugged s ens uality right now. T he late-afternoon s unlight had brought out the full golden tan of his s kin, his eyes a deep, glowing grey that c ontras ted heart-s toppingly with the thic k blac k las hes and the s weep of blac k hair. S he knew s he would never s ee a m ore beautiful m an in her life again. A nd ins ide, that rec ognition was there again, s tronger and deeper than before. A dam K orda was her m an. T here would be no other, and if s he c ould not pos s es s him , m ake him hers for life, then the res t of her days would be barren and em pty. T his is c razy, he s aid roughly, turning to grope for the newly los t rod. W ere both going to c atc h our deaths out here. Y es , s he s aid num bly. S he had to c ling to him to avoid foundering in the c urrent. W hat in Gods nam e was happening between them ? W as this what love m eant, this terrible, s weet weaknes s ins ide? S he was s lowly bec om ing c ons c ious of how ic y her legs were. Her waders were full of bitterly c old river, and s he s quelc hed as s he m oved. S he s tarted to s hiver. God, Im ffreezing! Im not s urpris ed. His voic e was s till alm os t hars h, as though he wanted to c anc el out what had jus t happened. B ut nothing c ould ever do that. Novem bers no tim e of year to go s wim m ing, pearl. Com e on. He gave her an arm to hang on to as they waded bac k to the bank together. S he was s o happy, happier than s he c ould rem em ber being. A re you jealous bec aus e I c aught a fis h and you didnt? s he m urm ured agains t his hard s houlder. B eginners luc k, he s c offed. He hois ted her up in his arm s as they reac hed the m uddy s hallows , c arrying her s lender fram e as eas ily as though s hed been a s leepy c hild going to bed. His s trength never failed to thrill her, and s he c lung to his s houlders , her head pillowed agains t his hard c hes t, los t in blis s . W hat c onc erns m e m ore is you getting pneum onia, he s aid gruffly. S he s hivered realis tic ally to dig for additional s ym pathy. S he would gladly have ris ked pneum onia right then, double pneum onia, if it m eant prolonging that dazzling kis s S he was s hivering in earnes t by the tim e they got bac k to the c ottage, the c old s triking into her. A hot bath, A dam dec ided firm ly. Get in the tub, and jus t s oak. Ill light the fire and get s om ething for us to eat. S he ran her bath, pulled off the s oaked c lothes , and got in. It was s ybaritic blis s to lie in the s team ing hot water, feeling the ac he in her m us c les where s hed s trained them in the s truggle with the s alm on, the ac he in her em otions where A dam s pas s ion had touc hed her. W hat did he feel? W as it the m om entary lus t of a virile m an? Or did it, as with her, go deep into the very s oul? P erhaps after theyd eaten he would take her in his arm s like that again, kis s her in that s am e heart-s topping way S he c los ed her eyes , rem em bering his m outh, the feel of his body agains t her. A dam was bec om ing a part of her. A nd that was nt jus t a figure of s peec h. He was in her blood, in her heart, in her s oul. W hat s he felt for him was an am algam of des ire, awe, adoration, need. He was bec om ing her obs es s ion. Her body felt tired, weak. B ut it felt whole. Of the ordeal s hed gone through thes e pas t days , alm os t nothing rem ained. Like the s alm on, s he, too, had been reprieved, had rec eived m erc y at A dam s hands . S he s aw again the s ilvery flanks , im agined it s wim m ing free in the dark waters out there. W ould there be a s c ar where that s harp little hook had bitten into the

c lean fles h? Like the s alm on, s hed been tied by a hook to c ertain death until A dam had freed her. A nd like the s alm on, s he bore alm os t no evidenc e of what s hed been through. S he, like the s alm on, was free. S hed s worn no oaths , m ade now vows . S he didnt have to. S he knew s he would never return to drugs , not in any form . S he was not the s am e wom an s he had been, a m ere three weeks ago. S he was altered, utterly c hanged. T hree weeks ago s hed been dying. W alking, talking, apparently alive but dying ins ide, every day, with every little white pac ket s he boughtT he thought of heroin was horrifying now. T here was no c raving, no hunger in her. Ins tead, s he felt a revuls ion that was alm os t s avage in its intens ity. T hat s elf- des truc tive urge was gone. S he s oaped her naked body s lowly, thinking of the way Riff had urged her to try heroin, again and again. Go on, M argot. Y oull lov e it. Itll blow y our mind. How c an y ou w rite about it if y ouv e nev er ev en tried it? S hed always refus ed, always been s trong enough to s ay no. A fter all, the evidenc e of what it did to peoples lives was all around her. S hed always known how evil it really was . Hed s im ply waited for his c hanc e, knowing that onc e s he was hooked, the s tory s he was writing would be doom ed. T he night s he heard that her father had died, Riff had turned her into an addic t. A s s im ple as that, with as little feeling. No, s he didnt have to take it. S hed jus t been too dazed to think W hat Riff had done to her, and to others like her, was little s hort of m urder. Murder for gain. W hy in Gods nam e had s he s tayed c los e to s uc h a dangerous m an? For the firs t tim e in m onths s he was able to rem em ber c learly how it had all begun. Riff Conroy had been a little like J eff. Like J eff, hed been dangerous in a very real s ens e. Hed s pat in the fac e of s oc iety, flouted the law. E ven while s he s aw and wrote about the dreadful effec ts of his trade, s hed felt a s neaking s c hoolgirl fas c ination for him . T he fas c ination of the rebellious teenager for the anti-s oc ial m is fit. Crazy. B es ide A dam , how ins ignific ant he s eem ed! T here was nt a m an in her world who c ould c om e c los e to what A dam did for her. W here Riff, with his m ean c unning, had alm os t des troyed her, it had been A dam K orda who had rec reated her. Made her a wom an again. Rem em bering that kis s , out in m ids tream , m ade her body res pond with a flood of renewed des ire. God, how s he wanted him ! T here was m ore power in A dam , m ore warm th and goodnes s and c reative energy, than in anyone s hed ever known. S he wanted him . S he wanted him utterly, to have his body and his m ind for her own. T o bear his c hildren in her wom b, to be his lover all her life. T o be his wom an, as he was her m an. S he rins ed her s m ooth s kin. Could it happen? It was s om ething s he wanted with an urgenc y that was alm os t frightening. A nd s he c ould do it. Maybe. B ut how m uc h longer c ould s he pos tpone their parting? Hed wanted to talk about her getting another job again this m orning. Hed talked about her future. Her future. S he c lam bered out of the bath, pink and c lean, and towelled hers elf dry. S he didnt want to think of a future outs ide of this woodland, outs ide of A dam . S he brus hed her hair until it gleam ed as irides c ently dark as a ravens wing, then s tared at her own fac e in the m irror. W as s he beautiful? S he had been c alled that onc e. T he bones of her fac e were good, her eyes and m outh s triking, pas s ionate. B ut c ould s he ever c om pete for his attention with the beautiful, s exy, c lever wom en who m us t c rowd around him every day of his life? T hos e beautiful, barbed c reatures ? S he wanted to s how him how well s he was , s how him s he c ould be trus ted. S how him s he was worthy of his love Her handbag was s till lying on the little des k in her bedroom , where s hed left it days ago. S he padded to her bedroom , wrapped in her towel, and opened it with a thoughtful expres s ion. S he hadnt us ed any kind of c os m etic s for weeks . Hed s een her at her wors t, with s c ram bled hair and white fac e, about as alluring as a s c arec row. S he em ptied the bag on to her bed, poking through the m is c ellaneous c ontents . A lips tic k, m as c ara, eyes hadow, her little flagon of Dioris s ima. Not exac tly an ars enal, but better than nothing. Making-up was like perform ing a forgotten ritual. T he touc h of c olour at her lips and eyes added a s udden tens ion of beauty to her fac e. S he had nothing to c olour her c heeks , but s he was nt interes ted in dec eiving him , in any c as e. He knew her too well for that. S he jus t wanted to m ake him notic e her. For the firs t tim e, too, s he did s om ething different with her hair, tying it loos ely bac k with a s c rap of ribbon, letting two wings drop forward to fram e her fac e. T he white angora s weater s hed worn on that firs t day was was hed and c lean in her drawer. It had s trong, bitters weet m em ories for her m aybe for A dam , too? S he pic ked up a grey s kirt to go with it, wanting her c lothes to be s im ple and elegant, the way s hed like to be. S uddenly, her heart was beating agains t her ribs . S he went to find A dam .

CHAP TE R S E V E N HE D lit four s lim ros e-c andles , and their rom antic light glowed on the im m ac ulately laid table like an ec ho from a tim e when this hous e was young. T here was even a s pray of flowers in the m iddle, late autum n flowers ; already a few petals had fallen on to the s c arred pine. W ow, Margot s aid quietly, c los ing the door behind her. Celebration dinner, c om m ented A dam from the s tove. Y our firs t s alm on s hould not go unm arked. S he c aught a glint of his s m ile. W ed be eating the old fellow him s elf, exc ept for your s entim entality. Y ou let him go, Margot pointed out. A nyway, were going to have to put up with s teak. Hed c hanged into s lac ks and a blac k s weater; the c lothes hugged the long m us c les of his legs , em phas is ed the hard m ale lines of his body. Dont jus t s tand there dream ing, he reproved. Y oull find wine in that rac k over by the fireplac e. S he pic ked a bottle of c laret, hoping s he was doing the right thing. A dam lifted the s teaks out of the m arinade and laid them into a hot pan. W ith the fierc e s izzling, a delic ious herbal arom a filled the kitc hen. S he was ravenous all of a s udden, and when, after a few m inutes of turning, the s teaks were ready, s he ploughed in with the appetite of a healthy young anim al. Fantas tic , s he judged, her m outh full. T his m akes up for falling in the water! P erhaps that was old Foxys idea of revenge, he s m iled, filling her glas s with the ruby-red wine. Foxy? T he s alm on. A fter all, to be hooked by a rank beginner T here, s he s aid, c utting up the s uc c ulent m eat, I knew you were jealous . Hed m ade a s alad, too, and the fres h things were c lean and s weet on her palate. Her enthus ias m for the food didnt go unnotic ed. Ive never s een you eat like this , he c om m ented, grey eyes warm on her. Y oure not even c hewing! A nd there I was , determ ined to be s o s ophis tic ated tonight, s he s aid ruefully. Y ou c ookings undone all m y plans . S ophis tic ated? He s tudied her over his wine glas s . Is that how you think I want you to be? W ell, youre no innoc ent, s he s m iled. I dont s ee you as the s ort of m an to be fas c inated by the frec kly s c hoolgirl type. T he type who falls in the river? he enquired, one eyebrow lifting gently. Margot flus hed, turning bac k to her s teak. T hat s ort of thing. I jus t wanted to be a little les s of a walking dis as ter- area tonight. A h. T hat explains the lips tic k and the perfum e. S o he had notic ed, des pite the c andlelight. Her heart s trangely uns teady, Margot c onc entrated s tudious ly on her food. Dont you approve? Y ou look very beautiful, if thats what you want m e to s ay. A dam trac ed the s hape of his glas s with s lim , s trong fingers . B ut then youll always be beautiful to m e. His words s eem ed to turn her heart over ins ide her. S he didnt have an ans wer ready, jus t gulped at the s trong wine, feeling its noble bouquet fill her m outh. W hen did you firs t m eet m y father ? s he as ked, turning bac k to her food. For the firs t tim e? S ix years ago. In the Gulf? Margot gues s ed. In the des ert, he nodded. S he looked up. W hat were you doing in the Gulf? s he as ked c urious ly. S hopping, he s m iled. I buy hors es all over the world, Margot. Im always on the lookout for new blood, new s ourc es of s toc k. I like A rab hors es for their tem peram ent and grac e, and at that tim e I was buying in the Gulf s tates . He paus ed for a m om ent, alm os t hes itating. A s it happened, your father s aved m y life. Daddy? s he ec hoed in as tonis hm ent. Y es , he replied gently. Y our irres pons ible father. I was travelling through a neighbouring s tate at the tim e, m aking for the provinc ial c apital, when our little party s trayed into a partic ularly nas ty little tribal war. Y oure joking! Hardly. W ed thought we were in a s afe part of the c ountry, but the c ountry was running out of s afe parts by then. W e were taken hos tage by guerrillas . He s m iled drily at her expres s ion. It was m ore like a nightm are than a joke, I as s ure you. T hey were c onvinc ed that we were A m eric an s pies , and none of us s poke enough A rabic to pers uade them otherwis e. S o they m arc hed us a hundred and fifty m iles to their headquarters , near the c oas t, and s ent a dem and for a m illion dollars to the A m eric an E m bas s y at S ahm a. W hat happened ? s he c ouldnt s top hers elf from as king. T he A m eric ans s aid it was none of their bus ines s , naturally. T hey had enough problem s of their own jus t then. B ut s om ehow P eter got to hear of it. He felt it was his res pons ibility to pull his fellow B rits out of the fire. He travelled overland in a B edford truc k to negotiate for our releas e with the guerrillas . S inc e the E m ir was on what am ounted to a war footing with his neighbours , P eter took a c ons iderable ris k in doing s o. W hat was even m ore rem arkable, A dam s m iled tautly, P eter m anaged to get the E m ir him s elf to pay our rans om . P ers uaded him it was in the interes ts of the harm ony of the whole region, and the international pres tige of the E m ir pers onally. He s tretc hed, as though his powerful m us c les were c ram ped. It was nt the kind of thing you c ould forget in a hurry. A fter that, we bec am e friends . I c am e to rely on your fathers advic e. He always had the right inform ation, the right judgem ent. B ut I was never able to oay that debt bac k before he died. Not fully. A nd now youre going to repay that debt? Margot threw at him tens ely. Us ing m e to s oothe your uns ettled c ons c ienc e? If you want to s ee it like that, he replied with unruffled c alm . W hats eating you? Nothings eating m e. S he was unus ed to wine, and the c laret had m ade her head s wim s lightly. W hat hed jus t told her had unleas hed a wave of c onflic ting em otions in her. P ride for her father, yes , c onc ern for A dam s life, too. B ut above all, a s ens e of dis appointm ent that was dagger- s harp in its intens ity. It had all been for P eters s ake. A ll this kindnes s , all this tendernes s , this whole elaborate c harade it had all been des igned to pay off a debt to her father. Not for Margot. For P eter. From now on, s he would have to keep rem inding hers elf that s he was nt here out of any pers onal m erit. S he was only here bec aus e of her father, and if A dam was kind to her, or hars h with her, or twis ted her poor heart round his little finger it was all bec aus e of s om ething her father had done. A gues t on s ufferanc e. Not here on her own ac c ount, but bec aus e of s om eone els e. Quite a s tory, s he s aid drily, not m eeting his enquiring eyes . I pres um e you feel youre quits with m y father, now? Its not a ques tion of that, he replied c oolly. Its never been as s im ple as that, Margot. Y our rec overy delights m e, but it does nt c anc el m y debt to your father. I rem em ber onc e telling you that I was doing this for your s ake, Margot. Not for m y fathers ? Only very indirec tly. He pointed at her plate. S top as king s o m any ques tions . B ut what exac tly do you m ean, for my s ake? S he was tightlipped. I dont unders tand what that m eans . A nd I dont unders tand why youre m aking s uc h a point of it, he s aid warily. Has it ever oc c urred to you that I m ight have s om e feelings of m y own? Margot tried to keep her voic e light, though her feelings were ris ing dangerous ly. He was avoiding the real ques tion, and they both knew it. T hat I m ight want you to c are for m e for m y own s ake, and not jus t bec aus e of s om ething m y father did s ix years ago? Margot, he s aid gently, Ive s aid it twic e already. Y our welfare is very im portant to m e. My w elfare, s he repeated tautly. T hat has a very im pers onal ring. Like a teac her, or a s oc ial worker talking. I dont feel like a teac her or a s oc ial worker, he s aid patiently. I only m eant to expres s m y c onc ern. Not to patronis e. A nd what if I need m ore than your c onc ern? s he dem anded, unable to keep her words under c ontrol any longer. Now that Im free of the addic tion, your debt will be dis c harged, wont it? Y oull want to pac k m e off to a nic e new job s om ewhere, and feel your c ons c ienc e greatly eas ed. Is nt that right? He hadnt touc hed his food. Y oure being unfair, he s aid quietly. Y oure overtired. Maybe I am , s he s aid fierc ely, fighting down the pric kle of tears in her eyes . B ut in c as e what happened out there in the river tonight has s lipped your m ind, Ive bec om e rather attac hed to you lately! He s tared at her in s ilenc e, tiny flam es from the c andles reflec ted in eac h eye. S he regretted the words the m inute they were s poken. S hed jus t broken one of her own c ardinal rules never s how anyone your true feelings about them . Im s orry, s he s aid, with a breathles s , painful laugh. I s hould never have s aid that. Its better s aid than uns aid. He tos s ed his napkin in a c rum pled heap on to the table and ros e, holding out his hand to her, eyes s erious . Lets s it by the fire, Margot. I want to talk to you. Her heart was thudding dully as they s at together in the warm th of the fire. T he two c arved polar bears s narled s ilently at her, rem inding her of that firs t night in this c ottage. I think I know what youre going to s ay, s he s aid unhappily. B ut go ahead, all the s am e. I intend to. His voic e was gentle, but there was little warm th in it. T he m as c uline planes of his fac e were alm os t hars h now. Y ou m us t unders tand how inevitable your feelings are, Margot. Y ouve jus t been through a c ruc ially im portant experienc e. In the pas t few weeks youve c hanged from an addic t into a healthy, beautiful wom an with all her life before her. Y oure ready for love, I unders tand that even better than you yours elf do B ut not with you, s he s aid, looking up with a painful s m ile. For one thing, Im m ore than ten years older than you are. His eyes were c ool, em otionles s . For another, I would be taking advantage of you in a very ugly way. W hy? s he dem anded urgently. Dont be s illy, he reproved. Y ou m us t s urely unders tand that all your feelings towards m e have bec om e very exaggerated, pearl. W eve been loc ked up together for weeks , in a partic ularly intim ate and em otional s ituation. He s m iled with a hint of tirednes s . A few weeks from now, when youve got your life together again, youll s ee m e in pers pec tive. I hope youll always s ee m e as an old friend, but I know you wont s ee m e as anything m ore than that. A n old friend, s he ec hoed, tas ting the em ptines s in the phras e. Y ou m ean I dont know what Im talking about ? Im too m ixed up to know whether what I feel for you is real or jus t infatuation? Y es , he s aid flatly. T hat is what I m ean. Y ouve been badly hurt in your s hort life, Margot. I dont think I c ould take the ris k of hurting you any further. His voic e was firm . Not ever. A nd if it werent for that ? s he as ked tens ely. If wed jus t m et at a nightc lub or in a park how would you feel about m e then? T heres no point in purs uing hypothetic al s pec ulations , he retorted. W ere talking about you and m e, the way we are. No, were not, s he s aid bitterly. Y ou keep avoiding me. W hatever you do is always for s om e high m otive, for m y dead father, or bec aus e you dont want to take advantage of m e, whatever that m eans S he drew a s haky breath, her eyes dark with em otion. Cant you unders tand how that hurts ? A dam , m y whole life long Ive been ac hing for s om eone to c are for m e for m y own s ake. Im not as king you to love m e T hen what are you as king? he dem anded as her words petered out. Do you s im ply want to trans fer your addic tion from heroin to m e? T hats c ruel, s he s aid quietly. Im jus t as king you not to hold bac k. T hat if there is any em otion in you, you dont hide it behind a s c reen of fine m oral princ iples . Y ou tend to undervalue fine m oral princ iples , A dam s aid drily. S om etim es , they m atter m ore than all the raw em otion in the world. A t this s tage of m y life, s aid Margot uns teadily, raw em otion happens to be what I need to s tay alive. A nd Im not being m elodram atic , A dam . Im in a vac uum . I never know whether a given word, a given kis s , is m eant for me or jus t done out of your natural generos ity. S he c los ed her eyes with a trem bling laugh. Oh, youre generous . A good m an, the bes t Ive known. B ut you c ant treat m e with your gloves on twenty-four hours a day. I dont m ind if theres nothing therejus t as Long as I know how you feel. A ll right. T here was the s m oky hint of a c hallenge in his s m ile. I do c are. A re you s atis fied now? T hen hold m e. S he s hook her head as s he s aw his expres s ion c hange. Im not trying to bribe you this tim e. I jus t want you to hold m e. T he leopards eyes s eem ed to flare for a m om ent, then s oftened into gentlenes s . He reac hed for her, c radling her in

s trong arm s . S he s ighed s hakily as s he laid her c heek agains t his broad s houlder. I need you s o m uc h, s he whis pered, not s ure if he c ould even hear her. Y oure everything to m e, A dam He took her fac e in his hands , and kis s ed her parted lips . T he touc h of his m outh was as heady as wine, m aking her s ens es s wim . S he felt alm os t afraid s uddenly, her body as s hivery as it had been that firs t night in the c ottage. Y oure trem bling like a netted bird, he m uttered hus kily. Do I frighten you? Y ou terrify m e, s he s aid s oftly. He kis s ed her again, m ore fierc ely now, his hands s liding ac ros s the naked s kin of her bac k under the s weater, his tongue probing the inner s weetnes s of her m outh as the pas s ion flared between them like flam e lic king ac ros s s pilled petrol. W o! He drew bac k, his voic e uns teady. I m ean what I s ay, Margot. S trong fingers pris ed her hands loos e from around his nec k. God dam n it, c ant you learn to protec t yours elf? Do I need to protec t m ys elf from you, A dam ? s he whis pered, looking up at him with c loudy eyes , her m ois t lips parted. Dont look at m e like that, he s aid, alm os t s avagely. He walked to the window, thrus ting his hands deep into his poc kets and s tared out into the darknes s beyond. I m ight have known, he s aid hars hly, alm os t to him s elf. I m ight have known what would happen to us . W hen he turned to her, his fac e was s et and grim . Y oure prac tic ally rec overed, Margot. Im beginning to feel that the s ooner you get bac k to your old life, and out of m ine, the better it will be for both of us . Margot had expec ted A dam to be c ool with her the next day, and he was little m ore than polite. S he was nt feeling exac tly joyous hers elf. T he pain of having m ade a c om plete fool of hers elf was ac ute. W hy hadnt s he kept her m outh s hut las t night would s he never learn? He had to be up at the s tud that m orning, to m eet s om e pros pec tive c lients , and his invitation to ac c om pany him was m ore like an order. Ive arranged for David to s addle up A s pic for you this m orning, he s aid over breakfas t. T hats if you want to ride? T hanks , s he s aid with an attem pt at a s m ile. B ut you dont have to entertain m e, A dam . Y oure s howing prom is e, he s aid m atter-of-fac tly. Y oure good with hors es . Y ou s hould keep up your riding when you get bac k to London. It was s aid deliberately, s he knew that. Not to hurt, jus t to prepare her for the end of this idyll. B ut the words wounded, m ade her winc e des pite her res olve not to burden him with any m ore em otional dis plays . S he dres s ed in a denim s kirt and a c otton c hec k blous e, an outfit that was in alm os t exac t c ounterpoint to the deep blue jeans and the faded s hirt whic h hugged the m us c ular s hape of his c hes t. I havent had m y hair done in weeks , s he m uttered, m ore to hers elf than to him as s he c hec ked hers elf in the hall m irror. I look a m es s . I like your hair like that. S he m et his dark gaze in the m irror. B eautiful hair does nt need expens ive treatm ent, he c om m ented, and walked out to the c ar. B eautiful hair does nt need expens ive treatm ent, s he told her reflec tion in the m irror, s hrugged, and followed him out. Ill s how you round the Hall when Ive finis hed, he offered as they drove through the arc hway. S he nodded her thanks , and he glanc ed at her. Y ou feeling all right? Fine, s he s aid flatly. T his will take about an hour, pearl. Ill c om e and find you in the paddoc k. S he nodded again. It was very c old. T hough it was early m orning, the s un was low, and the trees c as t long s hadows ac ros s the fallow fields . A bs ently, Margot watc hed their own attenuated s hadows as they walked ac ros s the yard, two tall figures , not holding hands . T wo s eparate people, bound only by the c oinc idenc e of travelling in the s am e direc tion. A s s he hois ted hers elf on to the m ares bac k, tears were very c los e behind her eyes . W hat expec tations c ould s he pos s ibly have of A dam ? He obvious ly didnt have any c onfidenc e in her, after all. He would never be able to trus t her and res pec t her the way s he needed him to. S he s hould never have told him about thos e inner feelings . S he would have been far wis er to have kept them in. Under Davids watc hful eye, s he c antered A s pic ac ros s the gras s , wondering how s he was ever going to s urvive without A dam T he Harc ourt fam ily, whod owned it for generations , died out fifty years ago. A dam was leading her up the m arble s tairc as e and through the m ain door of the hous e, an hour or s o later. T he s tud was kept tic king over by the farm er who bought it from them , us ing only about a tenth of the c apac ity of the plac e. B ut the hous e its elf had s tood em pty, and it was badly run down, on the brink of being dem olis hed by the exec utors . No! Margot exc laim ed, m arvelling at the perfec tion of the lovely old fac ade. W ho c ould des troy s om ething like this ? T hats the way I felt, A dam s m iled. His eyes were drifting over her figure, paus ing at the s well of her breas ts agains t the c otton of her s hirt. Y oure putting on weight, he s aid s oftly. A m I getting too fat? s he as ked with an anxious glanc e at hers elf. I didnt s ay that. He pulled his gaze away from her, as if with an effort, and turned. Com e. B eyond the ves tibule, the great hous e was m ore or les s bare. T he s ilenc e was im m ens e in the high-vaulted interior, and the blac k c ables of power equipm ent s naked in every direc tion ac ros s the gleam ing, bare, beec hwood floor. T heres not m uc h m ore to do now, A dam told her as they walked through. B ut its taken a m onum ental effort to s ave the old plac e. S o far Ive s pent probably twic e what the plac e is worth. He didnt look partic ularly perturbed about the obvious ly huge expens e. Over the s erpentine fireplac e hung a vas t oil painting, alm os t half life-s ize, of a blac k s tallion; the hous e in the bac kground was c learly Harc ourt Hall. Mac allen? queried Margot, and he nodded. T he ground floor res toration is finis hed, he told her, his deep voic e ec hoing. He watc hed the expres s ion of wide-eyed wonder on her upturned fac e. S os the s ec ond floor. W ith luc k, the top floor will be ready by next Marc h. S he diges ted that in s ilenc e, and followed him through the exquis ite, em pty room s . E verywhere, the s am e beautiful blondewood floors gleam ed. Many of the room s were panelled in oak and m ahogany to their s tuc c oed c eilings , while s om e had obvious ly been fres hly dec orated. Here and there a vas t c anvas hung over a s tone fireplac e, but for the m os t part the im m ac ulate walls were as bare as the floors . Its s tunning, s he breathed. A gain, his eyes were on her. Y ou like it? I love it. He reac h out to give her c heek the bares t c ares s , then thrus t his hands into his poc kets . W hen I bought the es tate, a huge quantity of antiques and paintings were s till in the hous e. He looked around the bare walls with intent grey eyes . S om e of it was rubbis h, or ruined, but a lot was nt. Mos t of its in s torage in the c ellars , waiting for the hous e to be ready. T he res t of it, the really beautiful things , are being res tored. Its going to be an overwhelm ing plac e, Margot s aid dream ily. T his is the kind of hous e m os t people jus t dream of Its a hom e, he s aid gently. It always has been. A nd while Im alive, it always will be. T hat s c ulpture is by Maris e V ladek, he added as they walked into the next room . S he followed his eyes . In the big bay window, a bronze m are and foal s tood in perfec t harm ony, outlined by s unlight. T he artis t had c aptured the gentle protec tive- nes s of the m are, and the gangly grac e of the foal, with alm os t m agic al s kill. Its a lovely thing, s he s aid s oftly, s troking the c ool bronze of the s c ulpture. S he was oddly m oved by his c hoic e of the piec e. Ins tinc tively, s he knew it reflec ted m ore than jus t A dam s love of hors es . It reflec ted his own des ire to m ake Harc ourt a hom e. A hom e, with a fam ily in it, full of laughter and joy. W hat wom an would c reate it with him , s hare it with him ? He led her through to one of the high bay windows on the eas t s ide. T he Hall always was a c entre for good hors es . Harc ourt onc e produc ed s om e of E nglands bes t rac ehors es . I intend to m ake s ure it m ore than lives up to its tradition. S he s tared out. A s tring of glos s y hors es was m oving ac ros s the c los e-s horn autum n field, the dim inutive s table lads m uffled agains t the c old. A dam c am e to lean on the s ill bes ide her, the m om entary touc h of his body rem inding her painfully of las t night. T hats S pindrift, he s aid, nodding at the leading anim al. His juvenile fillies are am ong the bes t in the c ountry. One of his c olts was s old in K entuc ky earlier this year for two and a half m illion dollars . W ow! Margot exc laim ed in awe. T here was pride in A dam s fac e, but s he knew ins tinc tively that it was nt the m oney he felt pas s ion for. It was the quality of breeding that c ould c om m and s uc h s um s . S he glanc ed up into the golden fac e, ac hing for him with all her heart. Y ou really love hors es , dont you? Y es . More than you c ould love a wom an? s he as ked hes itantly. T hats a typic al wom ans ques tion. Its a different thing, pearl. A dam folded his arm s , looking down at the field with brooding eyes . Hors es are m y lifes work. T hey dont c om pete with m y love-life. He paus ed to watc h a bay m are c anter up to the fenc e, s team plum ing up from her m outh. Look at that m are. I bred her, five years ago. W e broke her ours elves , as a yearling, and rac ed her in the K orda c olours . I watc hed her grow into an outs tanding perform er, s aw her win rac e after rac e. Now s hes bac k here at Harc ourt, c om e full c yc le. I want to s ee her foals repeat the perform anc e, Margot. T hats what I do it for. For the s atis fac tion it brings m e. He glanc ed at Margot who was watc hing the flawles s beauty of the anim als in s ilenc e. T he wom an I eventually m arry will never have to vie with m y work. B ut s hed have to unders tand what m y work m eans to m e. He led her ups tairs . T he c lean s m ells of paint and varnis h were in the air as they m ounted the m ain s tairc as e. It, too, had been newly built out of m ahogany, and with a s ens e of awe Margot tried to c alc ulate the thous ands he m us t have s pent on this hous e. Hundreds of thous ands . A dam K orda had ac hieved a wealth and power that few m en dream ed of. One of the m as s ive bedroom s on the firs t floor had already been furnis hed. T his is m y room , he s aid, in ans wer to her enquiring expres s ion. I s om etim es s leep here. S he walked in s lowly, the dove-grey c arpet s oft underfoot. T he four-pos ter bed, with its m agnific ent turned newels , was flanked by two big paintings of fem ale nudes . T he res t of the bedroom furniture was heavy and m as c uline, but obvious ly very valuable. T he S lavic dec oration s ugges ted fam ily heirloom s . S he looked at the bed. On the wine-red c overlet, their bodies would look exquis ite, dram atic ally erotic . S he c los ed her eyes for a m om ent, feeling des ire and s adnes s m ingling ins ide her into an em otion s he c ould not nam e. A dam m oved to a writing table by the window, and pulled open a drawer. T his is for you. S he took the photograph. It was a c olour s hot of two m en at a res taurant table, laughing. Her father and A dam . T he bottles of wine on the table indic ated a fes tive m eal in progres s . S he s tared at the photograph, s eeing the obvious affec tion between the two m en. S he c ould alm os t hear that laugh of her fathers , hearty and boom ing. A s ens e of fres h grief ros e in her for a m om ent. S uc h a was te, s o m any los t c hanc es . T hat was taken two years ago, A dam told her. A birthday party. I dont have very m any pic tures of him , s he s aid s orrowfully. Nor do I. It never s eem ed im portant at the tim e. It never does . W e s poke about you a lot that day. Her eyes were wet now. I Im s orry, s he s aid in a c hoked voic e. I dont s eem to have a handkerc hief. Here. He pas s ed her one, and s he tried to s tem the tears , gulping bac k the s obs . S it down for a m om ent. S he s ank on to the bed obediently. A dam s at bes ide her and s lid his arm c om fortingly round her s houlders . S he laid her head agains t him , s ighing raggedly. Ive got one real regret, s he s aid in a low voic e. T hat I never got a c hanc e to tell him how s orry I was before he died. A bout the way Id behaved, I m ean. I think your father unders tood you better than you think, A dam s m iled. He always had faith in you, pearl. Y oure not as unlik e me as y ou imagine, M argot. S he s hook the m em ory away. S orry to go all m us hy, s he apologis ed, drying her eyes . S he looked up into his fac e. Id m ade a res olution not to be s o feeble, too! Y oure not feeble, he s aid s oftly. T heir eyes m et, and Margot felt s om ething s tir in her heart, knew it was als o s tirring in his . God, he whis pered, alm os t to him s elf, youre bec om ing s o beautiful, Margot. E very day you s eem to be opening, like a flower. T heir kis s was as gentle as this tledown. He c upped her fac e

in his hands , his m outh c ares s ing hers with infinite tendernes s , then s lowly drew her bac k to lie fac ing him on the red c overlet. W hat are you doing to m e? he whis pered. Y ou bewitc h m e, pearl Under her tim id hands , his body was hard with power, the m us c les taut with the prom is e of pas s ion. A nd s he was m elting into his arm s , her m outh parting helples s ly for his kis s . S he c lung to him with trem bling eagernes s , her need for him flooding her, driving out every em otion but her need to be fulfilled by his love. T he s ilenc e of the great hous e fell around them , peac eful and loving. His m outh was both hungry and generous . He us ed it to teas e her at firs t, kis s ing her eyelids , her tem ples , her throat, the exquis ite line of her c ollarbones ; and then, as he im patiently unfas tened her blous e, the s c ented valley between her breas ts . T here were no reins on their pas s ion now. Margot knotted her fingers in his dark, s pringy hair as he c upped her breas ts in his hands , his tongue and lips firm ing eac h nipple into a c onc entrated peak of des ire. God, youre s o lovely, he s aid hus kily, s taring at her s lender body. Lovelier than any porc elain. A nd youre m agnific ent, Margot whis pered s oftly, her arm s twining around his nec k as her eyes bec am e dark, pas s ionate s lits . He s m iled down at her, his fac e s m oky with des ire. Do I s till terrify you? More than ever! S he wanted him with an ac he that was bec om ing unbearable. W hy did a wom an always have to hold bac k ? W as it all part of the pleas ure of love to be forc ed to wait, attend on the will of the m an ? Or was he us ed to s ophis tic ated, liberated, aggres s ive lovers ? Dam n thos e other wom en. Damn them . A s though wanting to c rus h their m em ory away for ever, s he kis s ed his fac e, his throat, the s m ooth s kin of his s houlders , hungering for the m us ky s m ell of his body. He pulled his s hirt im patiently off, and s he reac hed out to touc h the beautiful nakednes s of his tors o. S hed wanted to touc h him like this for s o long. T o run her palm s over the powerful m us c les of his c hes t, to feel the hard points of his m ans nipples s tiffening under her touc h. T o c ares s the line of his nec k where his m us c ular throat joined the arc hing wings of his c ollarbones , where the c ris p hair s tarted, and c urled like s om ething alive, down to his loins . Under the warm s kin, his heart was pounding like an engine, m aking s om ething s eem to m elt ins ide her Urgent, yet never rough, A dam s fingers tugged the wais tband of her s kirt open, trailed the zip down with wic ked expertis e, then drifted ac ros s her loins and the s atin s kin of her thighs . S he whis pered his nam e uns teadily as his c ares s reac hed the taut blac k s ilk of her briefs . S hed never felt anything like this s weet agony before. S he m oaned s oftly as his hand c upped the m ound of her s ex pos s es s ively, a c ares s that was both protec tive and ac hingly s exual. A dam , m y love A n ec s tas y of giddines s was hed over her as his fingers m oved beneath the flim s y m aterial to touc h her m elting wom anhood. Her own hands were tim idly s eeking the hot c entre of his m anhood, m aking him groan with pleas ure, His s exuality was unas ham ed, arrogant and proud in its s trength. W hen you touc h m e like that, I c ould die, he s aid hus kily. He drew bac k, but only to rem ove the res t of his c lothes , and then to undres s her, with s low, lingering delight, kis s ing eac h new s weet s tretc h of s kin as it was revealed. Ive wanted you s inc e that firs t night, he s aid gently, his lips warm agains t her hip. W hen you had that nightm are, and I got into bed bes ide you. Ive never wanted a wom an as m uc h as I wanted you then. Y ou s -s eem ed s o m uc h in c ontrol, then, s he whis pered, her fingers trailing through his hair. T he firs t urgenc y of their need had given way to a s teady flam e that burned with ever-brighter, ever- warm er intens ity. T heir naked bodies had a m us ic of their own, a m us ic that began with s ingle notes , dropping into the s tillnes s of the night like pebbles into s till water. T ouc hes , kis s es , c ares s es , a pattern of love that began to fus e into a s ym phony. It was as though he wanted to tas te every inc h of her, prolonging their lovem aking alm os t unbearably. He was lifting her higher all the tim e, s tretc hing her pas s ion like a bow until s he thought s he c ouldnt wait a m om ent longer. His kis s was s ham eles s ly erotic , his m outh adoring her thighs , the s ec ret s weetnes s of her loins , his tongue finding the ac hing c entre of her need. P leas ure peaked unbearably in her, her m oan telling him how ready s he was . A nd when at las t he c am e to her, whis pering her nam e, s he arc hed her body to his , her thighs parting to hold his hard flanks as their lips m et. He entered her with s low, pos s es s ive forc e, m aking her gas p helples s ly. He was s o big, thrus ting s o deep into her body, his m anhood filling her utterly. It was alm os t as though her body were too s m all at firs t, as though they were m is m atc hed; but his lovem aking was overwhelm ingly gentle, his arm s holding her tight agains t him as he us ed his potenc y with gradual, c ontrolled power to flood her with a s welling pleas ure that grew until s he c lenc hed her fingers in his thic k hair, as though c linging to the m ane of a runaway s tallion, urging him to hold nothing bac k. Her eyes were c los ed, his m outh roam ing hotly ac ros s her fac e, his hus ky whis per telling her s he m addened him , c alling her beautiful, telling her things about her body that would onc e have m ade her blus h in horror, but whic h now exalted her s ham eles s ly S he c ried out as the pas s ion took her in a gras p s he c ouldnt es c ape. S he had a fleeting m om ent of terror that her own c lim ax was going to c om e too s oon, that s he would s poil this m agnific ent m agic between them ; but as s he arc hed helples s ly in the c om pletion of her own ac t of love, her body c om pelled his to res pond, and he bec am e hers . Deep ins ide, at the gates of her wom b, Margot felt the s c alding flood of him , and he c alled out her nam e, c rus hing her to him . For a c om pres s ed eternity, the world s topped turning, and every s tar in the heavens was s tilled for them . T hen the drugged pleas ure of s atiety filled her veins , relaxing every inc h of her. S he was whis pering his nam e long afterwards , as s he s ank into s leep in his arm s , and the world s lowly began to turn again. A dam Im here. S he drifted into s leep, knowing with awe and wonder and fulfilm ent that s he was in love. S he woke firs t, her head pillowed on the tanned s kin of his c hes t. Gently, s o as not to wake him , s he rais ed hers elf on one elbow, and looked down at his tranquil fac e. In s leep, he was as beautiful as an angel. Her angel. W ith the utm os t delic ac y, s he trac ed the c his elled line of his nos e and lips with her fingertips , adoring him . T he throbbing in her loins rem inded her intens ely of the s ens ation of him ins ide her, the way hed c rus hed her in his arm s , the dizzying things hed s aid to her It was late afternoon, a great s plas h of s unlight glowing on the deep red wallpaper of the bedroom . T im e had c eas ed to m atter, though. S he and A dam were c aught in a well of s tillnes s that had no dim ens ions exc ept their own. S he would never forget this afternoon. Not jus t the phys ic al ec s tas y of their lovem aking, but the alm os t m ys tic al s ens e of union s hed had with A dam . Nothing c ould ever take that away from her. He s tirred s lightly agains t her, the brus h of their naked s kins awakening him , and his eyes opened to dark s lits . Hello, s he whis pered, and bent to kis s him with c linging lips . Hello, pearl. A dam s voic e was hus ky. He reac hed up to touc h her fac e. How do you feel? If I c ould tell you, s he s m iled. I would. He didnt ans wer her s m ile, jus t s tared s earc hingly into her fac e, as though gazing into the deep waters of a well. Y ou know that this is the end, he s aid gently. Dont you ? Its jus t the beginning, s he c ontradic ted him , s haking her head. No. A dam rolled to the s ide of the bed, and reac hed for his denim s , It s hould never have happened. T here was no way it c ouldnt have happened, A dam . Margots fac e was tender, vulnerable. W eve both been waiting for it. A t leas t, I know I have. A ll m y life. Dam n, he whis pered, turning to look at her over his broad s houlder. W hat c razy urge m akes you s ay things like that? If what I feel now is c razy, s he s m iled s adly, then I dont ever want to be s ane. Its tim e you s tarted your life again. Y oure going bac k to London, he s aid with quiet determ ination. T om orrow. T he words didnt s hoc k her. T hey hurt, but s hed been expec ting them , s om ehow. W hy? s he as ked him in a s m all voic e, hugging her naked breas ts . B ec aus e theres nothing m ore I c an do for you. From here on you have to s tart m aking your own way. He ros e fluidly to his feet, buttoning the jeans ac ros s his lean wais t. A dam s he pleaded, but he laid his fingers on her lips to s ilenc e her. Hus h, pearl. I never m eant this to happen. It c an only end in dis as ter for m e, but m os t of all for you. He turned away, m outh s lanting in s elf-c ondem nation. A nd having proved that I c ant c ontrol m ys elf where youre c onc erned, he went on hars hly as he reac hed for his s hirt, I think that the bes t thing is for us to s eparate as quic kly and c leanly as pos s ible. S he felt anguis h tighten every nerve in her body. How will I s urvive without you? s he as ked him painfully. T hats one of the ques tions youre going to have to ans wer for yours elf. S he watc hed the m us c les ripple under his tanned s kin as he hauled the c otton over his head. A dam pulled the s hirt s traight over his hard flanks . W hat Ive done already is bad enough. I dont want a love affair with you, Margot. Deep and c alm , his eyes m et hers . Im s orry, pearl, he s aid quietly. Im s orry, too. S he looked down, her eyes blinded with s udden tears . S he was s orrier than s hed ever been. S orry bec aus e s he knew he was wrong. S ic k and s ad and s orry bec aus e s he knew he would never c hange his m ind about her. W hy c ant you give us a c hanc e? s he pleaded without hope. W hy c ant you adm it the pos s ibility that you m ight be m is taken, that m aybe I do love you? T hat m aybe Id have loved you wherever and however and whenever wed m et? A nd why c ant you grow up? he dem anded, alm os t s avagely. Y ou dont love m e youre grateful to m e. T heres no other bas is for a relations hip, Margot. He lifted his watc h off the beds ide table, the diam onds s parkling in the s un, and fas tened it around his wris t. Dont c onfus e gratitude with love, girl. T hats the oldes t m is take in the book. W hy are you being s o brutal about this ? s he as ked tightly, s taring up at the hands om e fac e. Im s im ply trying to bring you bac k down to earth, he replied grim ly. J us t lately youve had too m any s tars in your eyes to s ee anything c learly. I s ee, Margot retorted with a flas h of bitternes s . W ho the hell do you think put thos e s tars in m y eyes in the firs t plac e, A dam ? Dont blam e m e for your own illus ions . T here was no warm th at all in the grey eyes now. I warned you as c learly as I c ould. My love for you is no illus ion! P atienc e wore thin in his expres s ion. Y ouve c hos en to fill your head with rom antic pink c louds , Margot. T hats an illus ion. Is it? S he tried to keep the em otion out of her voic e, not wanting to let him s ee how m uc h s he was hurting. A nd does this afternoon als o c om e under the heading of illus ory pink c louds ? I think the wis es t c ours e would be to forget all about this afternoon, he s aid, the tem perature of his voic e A rc tic . P erm anently. T hats not going to be as eas y as you m ake it s ound! s he c hallenged, overlaying her pain with heavy irony. Our lovem aking was real, at any rate. Funny, I thought people had to be in love before s ex bec am e that good. Her m outh twis ted in a hum ourles s s m ile. Or did you have s tars in your eyes , too? His fac e c los ed like a door being s lam m ed. I was a fool, he s aid s harply. B ut Ive had the s ens e to rec ognis e m y own folly. A re you telling m e our lovem aking m eant nothing? s he as ked s hakily. His lip c urled. T his is the twentieth c entury, Margot. W hen a m an m akes love to a wom an, it does nt nec es s arily im ply a perm anent relations hip. Im not as naive as all that, s he retorted. B ut Ive been labouring under the delus ion that this afternoon was s om ething s pec ial. Not jus t c as ual s ex between c as ual s trangers . Her m outh c urved with pas s ion. Maybe I was wrong. T heres no may be about it. S he s wung hers elf out of bed in s ilenc e. A s s he m oved, s he c ould feel the s weet bruis e of his lovem aking ins ide her, and now the ac he intens ified unbearably. T he s ens e of foreboding that had been lurking at the bac k of her m ind for weeks had s uddenly taken on a dark form . Reality had c ut into the delic ious warm th of her em otions like a winter wind s las hing down tender s eedlings . Margot had no illus ions that this was not the end. S he knew the s trength of A dam s will well enough to unders tand that he m eant every word he s aid. Mornings after c ould be s o very c ruel. How m any tim es had

s he had to learn that s im ple fac t in the c ours e of her life? It was tim e to pay the pric e for what s hed taken from him . It s eem s Ive been m is taken about you, s he s aid s hortly. T he glitter in his eyes was like the turning of a blade in the s un, but his voic e s tayed s m oky-s m ooth. It s eem s you have. Id rather you thought anything about m e than was ted energy im agining s om e rom antic nons ens e that c ould never c om e true. Oh, dont worry, s he gritted, Im long pas t any rom antic nons ens e, A dam . Y ou m ight find I c an be every bit as hard as you c an. S he drew a s haky breath to try and s teady her em otions . It hurt too m uc h to quarrel with A dam , and now s he jus t wanted to get over the pain ahead of her as quic kly as pos s ible. A t leas t youve been hones t. I never knew how you really felt until now. He walked bac k to her, hands thrus t into his poc kets s o that his jeans were s tretc hed taut ac ros s his hips and thighs . Y ouve got your own way to m ake, now, pearl. His gaze held her eyes relentles s ly. Forget about m e. Y ou dont need additional burdens like love at this s tage. Y ou need to s et your s ights on getting your life s traight, with no dis trac tions , no s ide is s ues . T heres a lot on your plate, girl. Finding a new job. Making it up with your m other and her hus band. Getting bac k into a us eful, fulfilled life. S preading your wings . He grim ac ed at her expres s ion. Y ou didnt think this c ould las t for ever, did you? I wis h it c ould, s he c hoked. I dont want anything els e, A dam . I never will. He laughed s oftly. Y ou dont even know how m any wonderful things there are in the world to want, pearl. S he was c rying now, but he didnt c om fort her. W ill I will I ever s ee you again? s he as ked tearfully. W hen you dont need to s ee m e, he s aid gently. Maybe. W hen youve s topped needing m e. T hatll be never! Itll be s oon. Oh, A dam , s he s obbed, I feel s o los t Y oure not los t, he c ontradic ted her bris kly. Y oure on the right trac k, now. Y oull never go bac k to drugs , we both know that. From now on, things will go right for you, ins tead of wrong all the tim e. S he pres s ed her hands to her breaking heart. Com e on, pearl, he s aid. He put his arm round her s houlders , and walked with her to the window. T he prim eval m as s of Darkris ing W oods s pread out before them . T he woods are lovely, dark, and deep, he quoted s oftly. B ut you have prom is es to keep. A nd m iles to go before you s leep.

CHAP TE R E IGHT E DDIE GRA NT lunged after the ball, jus t m anaged to get his rac ket to it, and s et Margot up for an eas y kill. S he s lam m ed the little blac k ball into the far c orner of the s quas h c ourt with a c ertain inner s atis fac tion. E ddie didnt even bother to go for it. He trotted for his kit, panting, and m opped his s weaty fac e. Dam n, he c om plained, m outh m uffled by the Lanc as ter Club towel. Im exhaus ted. Y oure too fit, P res c ott. Its jus t an eye for the ball, s he s aid s m ugly, bounc ing the rac ket off the heel of her hand. S he was out of breath, but not m uc h, and s he was nt altogether joking when s he offered, Care for another gam e? W eve s till got the c ourt for fifteen m inutes . E ddie glanc ed at Margot, taking in her long, s lim legs and im m ac ulately unruffled white s kirt. T hanks , but no thanks , he s aid drily. My egos taken enough of a pounding this m orning. Its thes e debauc hed weekends of yours , s he ac c us ed him , walking ac ros s to her kitbag. E very Monday I thras h you, and every T hurs day you thras h m e. Y ou try too hard. W hy arent you one of thes e diplom atic wom en who always let the m an win? he s ighed, m opping the bald patc h at the top of his head as they walked to the exit. A t thirty-two, he was already los ing his fine blac k hair, and was very s ens itive about it. He always wore tinted glas s es whic h, together with his drooping m ous tac he, gave him a s lightly s inis ter air whic h he thought c om pens ated for the hair los s . B ec aus e I need the exerc is e, s he ans wered his ques tion. Heads were turning as they walked along the plant-lined gallery. Men always s tared at Margot at the Lanc as ter, their gaze us ually firs t attrac ted by thos e long, danc ers legs , then held by the s weet, oval fac e that was fram ed by hair as blac k and glos s y as a jac kdaws wing. S he s m iled at s om eone whod waved at her, but it was nt a s m ile that gave m uc h away. Her Mona Lis a s m ile, E ddie c alled it. Fleeting, holding s om e s ad m ys tery you c ouldnt quite gras p at. Meet you in the res taurant afterwards , E ddie invited as they s plit up to go to their res pec tive s howers , and Margot nodded ac quies c enc e. S he liked the Lanc as ter Club. Mem bers hip was expens ive, but the Com m ittee offered s pec ial rates to the news paper s he was now on, and it had the s ort of fac ilities that m ade m os t other s ports c lubs look s ec ond-rate. A s s he s oaped hers elf in the c ubic le, s he was thinking of A dam . W hic h was nt unus ual. Not a day of the pas t four m onths had gone by without her thinking of A dam . S om etim es the m em ories m ade her dream y-eyed. S om etim es they brought the quic k tears to her eyes . A nd s om etim es , as now, while s he rins ed the s ham poo away, they c urved the s oft arc of her lips into a s m ile of pure pleas ure. S he was thinking of the evening s he had fallen in the river, of how theyd kis s ed in m ids tream , her wet fac e pres s ed to his , his hands buried in the tangle of her hair. S he felt the old, fam iliar ac he s preading through her, and s queezed her eyes s hut as s he held her fac e up to the s pray. T his was her favourite fantas y. T hat A dam would s tep into the s hower, as naked as s he was , hands reac hing pos s es s ively to hold her breas ts as his m outh s ought hers B ut it didnt happen. S he s tepped out, dripping, long blac k hair c linging to the s uperb lines of her tem ples and c heeks , and pulled her towel off the rac k. T he pair of m iddle-c las s , m iddle-aged wom en who were c hatting at the bas in both turned to give Margots figure glanc es that were that uniquely fem ale m ixture of adm iration and envy. S lender as a ballet danc er with firm , high breas ts and tautly m us c led thighs , Margot P res c ott was as c los e to phys ic al perfec tion as s he would ever be. T he years would deepen her beauty, fill out the c urves of breas ts and hips , but they c ould add nothing to the grac e s hed been born to fulfil. T he two wom en waited until s hed s lipped on her bra and panties before one c leared her throat lightly. I read your artic le in Liberty . Margot looked up, and the wom an s m iled tim idly. It is Margot P res c ott, is nt it? I read your artic le in Liberty , about drug addic tion. It was very good. T hank you, Margot nodded, towelling her hair dry. B ut the wom an, who had worried blue eyes and untidy, m ous e-c oloured hair, was nt finis hed. Y ou s eem ed to unders tand everything. A lm os t as though youd been an addic t yours elf. W hic h is ridic ulous , her s m arter and younger friend put in with a s m ile, looking at Margots healthy body, the tan of her s kin em phas is ed by her delic ate c ream lingerie. It s truc k a c hord, the firs t wom an went on. B oth were in des igner trac ks uits , and holding rac kets , but Margot had the feeling they werent here for s porting reas ons . S he s m iled, and glanc ed longingly at the row of hairdryers on the oppos ite wall. S he and E ddie had to be bac k at the offic e by two. Its m y daughter, you s ee. T he m ous y wom an s uddenly looked as though s he was going to c ry. I m ean, I k now s hes us ing drugs , but when I try to c onfront her with it, s he jus t lies and lies J us t as well we finis hed fifteen m inutes early, grum bled E ddie as Margot has tened into the res tuarant a quarter of an hour later. W hat kept you? New hairs tyle? Does it look like it? Margot grim ac ed. Her hair was s till only half dry, bec aus e s hed never got to that hairdryer. I got c aught up in c onvers ation with s om eone in the c hanging-room s , and c ouldnt get away. W om en! E ddie s ighed as they m oved towards the buffet, c ollec ting trays en route. P oor m ous y lady, Margot thought s adly. S hed given her the bes t advic e s he c ould, had pas s ed on the addres s es of organis ations that would help, but the outlook was grim ly unc ertain. If only every addic ted girl had an A dam K orda to haul her, kic king and s c ream ing, out of the whirlpool Hoi, dream y! W ant a beer? Ill s tic k to fres h orange, s he dec ided, hunting for one that was nt a s eething m as s of pres ervatives and c olourants . T here are lim its to whic h any hum an being c an take health, P res c ott. E ddie watc hed with dis approval as s he c hos e a green s alad while his own plate was being loaded with frenc h fries . Dont you have any vic es at all? I jus t dont s ee the point of killing yours elf on a s quas h c ourt for an hour, s he s m iled, then loading up on c arbohydrates . Y oure getting a pot belly. S he took pity on his anguis hed look. A pot tum m y, then. Y ou ought to eat m ore s alads . Y oure a real ego-boos ter this m orning, he m uttered. OK , pas s m e one of thos e tom ato things . S he didnt let him pay at the till, even though he tried to m ake quite a point of it. Her relations hip with E ddie Grant, whod been divorc ed for three years , was undefined, and that was the way s he wanted it to s tay. E ddie was good-looking in an earnes t way, and was an exc ellent journalis t. In that he took her out to dinner or the pic tures regularly, and played s quas h with her twic e a week, he qualified as her c urrent m ale friend. A nd E ddies pres enc e kept other m en in the offic e from bothering with her. B ut s hed m ade it very c lear that their friends hip didnt inc lude s ex. A nd s he always paid her own way. B ut des pite the fac t that E ddie ins is ted on c alling her by her s urnam e, as though s he were s om e hard-nos ed fem inis t, he had a very s oft c entre; and s hed s een in his brown eyes m ore than onc e rec ently that he was building up a s ubs tantial c rus h on her. S oon, s he knew that he would m ake a really determ ined effort to bed her. S he would repuls e him equally determ inedly. A nd E ddie would probably walk out of the relations hip at that point, in a c loud of inc om prehens ion and wounded m ale pride, and s he would have to look for a new s quas h partner. S he didnt look forward to what s he fores aw with any pleas ure. B ut nor did s he kid hers elf that s he would feel any real regret when it happened. A fter A dam , no m an would ever m ean anything to her. T here was s im ply no one who would ever m eas ure up to him , no one who would ever rem otely touc h the plac es in her that hed touc hed, that he c ontinued, every hour of every day, to touc h. S he was A dam s , in her heart, even though s hed los t him for ever. A nd no one c ould ever pos s es s her again, not even tem porarily. E ddie s ank half his beer with a nois e like a very dry des ert abs orbing a c loudburs t. W hats on the agenda? T his afternoon? Ive got to get that review on to Lawrenc es des k by four. Nic e for s om e, he s niffed. Lis tening to pop rec ords and getting paid for it. Not what / c all journalis m . Y oure not on City New s now, P res c ott. Contem porary jazz-roc k, not pop, s he c orrec ted him , tuc king into her c old m eats and s alad. A nd c ons idering its a look-bac k over the pas t three years , theres been a lot m ore involved than jus t lis tening to rec ords ! Y ou werent even born three years ago, he grinned. E ditors pet! Y ou c ant tell m e that the c ontem porary m us ic review is nt jus t about the c us hies t c olum n going. A part from the good food guide, of c ours e, and that wobbly old c odger who writes about wine. It has its c om pens ations , s he c onc eded. T he London Herald was a notorious ly c ons ervative news paper. S om e of the s taff had never rec overed from the s hoc k of having pic tures on the front page let alone the fac t that an attrac tive fem ale journalis t c alled Margot P res c ott, form erly of City New s , had been em ployed to c over c ontem porary youth c ulture. Mos t of the res t, however, inc luding E ddie des pite his teas ing rec ognis ed the wis dom of an editor who was angling for an inc reas ingly younger m arket. If you want them to read the Herald in their forties , fifties , and s ixties , Lawrenc e S weetney was on rec ord as s aying, youve got to get them in their twenties and thirties . It had been the heroin artic le, publis hed in the wom ens m agazine Liberty , whic h had dec ided S weetney that he wanted Margot for the Herald. S hed written the s tory in that firs t unbelievably painful week after s hed left Harc ourt, and it had c arried a blazing c onvic tion that had attrac ted a lot of very favourable attention. T he pain s hed gone through during thos e firs t days was s om ething s he c ould never reveal to anyone. It was there, in the artic le, but only s he knew that. S hed never re-read the artic le, not wanting to bring any of that pain bac k into the c alm that s hed m anaged to s urround hers elf with. T hat c alm , that Mona Lis a s m ile, was the res ult of hard, c ruel effort. S hed had to pull her life together by its ragged edges , fas hion a new exis tenc e that didnt have A dam K orda as its c entre. Hard, c ruel, bitter effort. More painful than giving up heroin had ever been. T he only thing s hed never learned to do was to s top thinking about A dam . S he c ouldnt have done that, even if s hed s et her s oul on it. A dam would always be a part of her, and that was a fac t s he didnt ever bother to c hallenge. Hed enric hed her life im m eas urably, had s aved her from utter des truc tion. A nd if, in the end, his leaving had c aus ed her a pain as s harp as a s urgeons knife, then that was s om ething s he had to ac c ept. T here were no rec rim inations , no blam e. He had done what hed thought was right. T hat was how hed always ac ted A nyway, s aid Margot, drifting out of her thoughts , from tom orrow on I have to c over the T heatre Fes tival fringe. S ix ultra-m odern plays , of whic h two dont even have s c ripts . If you think thats a bed of ros es , Ill gladly s wap you. No, thanks , E ddie s huddered. T hats above and beyond the c all of duty, I agree. He laid his hand on hers , leaving it there jus t a frac tion too long. Meant to tell you Ive got tic kets for A ida tonight. Up in the gods , but Maria S c alabrino is s inging. I c ant, E ddie, s he s aid regretfully. Im going up to s ee Mum and Carl, s traight from work. His fac e fell. Cant you put them off? I prom is ed, s he s aid gently. He was about to ins is t, s o s he had no c hoic e but to tell him . Its m y birthday. He s tared at her for a m om ent, then threw his napkin down angrily. God dam n! S he c ould only s ay, Im s orry, E ddie. W hy dont you tell m e anything? Y ou keep everything to yours elf, Margot, like s om e kind of m ys terious being whos above hum an c ontac t. I m ean, m aybe Id have liked to buy you a birthday pres ent, m ake the day s pec ial for you I didnt want a pres ent, s he s aid s oothingly. A nd the day is s pec ial. Im out of m y teens at las t. Its s pec ial for you, he s aid bitterly. B ut you obvious ly dont want to s hare it with m e. Y ou probably wouldnt even have told m e if I hadnt as ked you about A ida. I didnt want any fus s , s he s aid firm ly. S hed known E ddie would buy her an expens ive pres ent, and that would only have c om plic ated things between them . P leas e dont get m e anything. I really dont want any pres ents . Y ou dont want any c om m itm ents , you m ean. He pus hed his plate away as though hed los t his appetite. A nd you dont want to give any. Is that how you intend to live the res t of your life ? T he Ic e Maiden, drinking orange juic e and nibbling lettuc e? Dont s poil m y birthday, s he s m iled. I wis h I knew what happened to you in that m ys terious pas t of yours , growled E ddie. Ive got a hunc h s om e m an hurt you really badly. Id like to knoc k his brains out, whoever the s wine is .

Nobody hurt m e, Margot s oothed him , reflec ting that A dam would tower over E ddie Grant by at leas t a foot. T here was a great deal that E ddie didnt know about her. Like the fac t that s hed onc e been a heroin addic t. A nd Im s orry about A ida. W hy not as k Gloria Holm es s he loves opera. T hat wouldnt m ake you jealous ? he as ked drily. Of c ours e not. Of c ours e not, E ddie grunted. OK , Ill as k Gloria. Happy birthday, P res c ott. T hanks . Margot c ontinued to eat in tranquil s erenity des pite E ddies wounded s ilenc e. S he was looking forward to tonight. S inc e s hed got bac k to London, relations with her m other and Carl had im proved dram atic ally, alm os t m agic ally. T he c hange in her pers onality had s eem ed alm os t m irac ulous to them , but theyd ac c epted it joyfully. T hey didnt know about the heroin, or about A dam K orda. A dam was a s ec ret s he kept to hers elf. S he hadnt even told Gill Reynolds , whod c ried with relief when Margot had told her s he was off heroin. T he few people who knew s hed been an addic t unders tood only that s hed gone to s tay with a friend in the c ountry to de-tox. T hey als o knew that there was no c hanc e, ever, that Margot P res c ott would touc h any s ort of drug with a bargepole again. Her dis tas te extended even to alc ohol, as E ddie had c om plained. W ant to go riding this weekend? E ddie as ked, offering an olive-branc h. Great, s he s aid with anim ation. A dam had left her with a las ting love of hors es , and s hed been riding as often as s he c ould, enjoying the exerc is e whic h took her effortles s ly bac k to Harc ourt. I love to s ee you on a hors e, s aid E ddie. Y ou look jus t right in the s addle, as though youd been riding all your life. Y oure s o grac eful, s o beautiful, Margot. S om etim es I think Look at the tim e! S he tilted her s lender wris t to s how him her watc h. S he felt des perately s orry for E ddie, but s he didnt want to give him any enc ouragem ent at all. If only he c ould keep his feelings to friends hip W ed better hit the trail in a few m inutes , s he s m iled. E at your c hips up. T he evening at P urley was pleas antly relaxed. In the years after her m others rem arriage, Margot had bec om e alm os t a s tranger to her. S he hadnt begrudged her m other the happines s and fulfilm ent s hed found with Carl and her new c hildren, but s hed felt then that there was nothing in c om m on between them any m ore. Now s he felt differently. S he was growing to res pec t Carl, learning to love her new s is ter and brother. Learning that there was m ore in c om m on between her and her m other than s hed im agined. S he left her m others hous e at around eleven, and drove bac k through North London to her new flat in B arnet. S hed been glad to get away from her old digs , whic h had had a s ad, haunted atm os phere after s hed c om e down from Harc ourt. T he flat m ade up for its high rent by being c lean, pleas ant, and having a walled garden where Margot was able to s unbathe on warm weekends . B ut it was infinitely different from the m ajes ty and peac e of Harc ourt. S he was thinking about Darkris ing W ood as s he loc ked her Mini. S hed watc hed it through the glory of autum n, and into the s tark dram a of winter. B y now, s he knew, it would be in glorious leaf, the earth c arpeted with bluebells and c elandines . S he had a vis ion of A dam , riding Mac allen through Darkris ing, his lean body m oving in perfec t harm ony with the s tallions . S he c ould alm os t hear the rus tle of leaves underfoot, s m ell the ric h fres h s m ell of the earth. Did he ever think of her? W onder how s he was ? Did he ever gues s that s he had never s topped loving him , had never s topped thinking about him ? S he unlatc hed the door, s tooping to pic k up the m ornings pos t. T en or twelve birthday c ards , m os tly from old s c hoolfriends . One, though, was different. S he tore it open quic kly. T here was no s ignature, jus t three lines of dis tinc tive blac k handwriting on the heavy white c ard, and s om ething s m all wrapped in a fold of tis s ue: Happy birthday, pearl. S o youre all grown up. Y ouve s topped falling in rivers or s o it s eem s ? T ake c are of yours elf. In the fold of tis s ue was a c onfec tion of tiny s pec kled feathers , beautifully tied in the s hape of a s m all ins ec t. T he needle-s harp hook pric ked her finger s lightly as s he lifted it out. A s alm on fly. S he s at down in the hallway, m idway between a laugh and a s ob. T he m em ories had c om e flooding bac k in a rus h, the intens e s weetnes s of that afternoon in the river T he pois e that had s o infuriated E ddie Grant this m orning was s uddenly gone. W hat on earth would he s ay if he c ould s ee his Ic e Maiden right now, c rying helples s ly over a fis h-hook? S he brus hed her wet eyelids with her wris ts , looking down at the fly, lying on the blurred words . T hos e ters e lines s aid s o m uc h to her. T hey s aid, Im m is s ing you. I think of you. I havent forgotten. It was the firs t s ign s hed had from A dam in four m onths , and it had m oved her unexpec tedly. T he fierc e ac he s hed fought s o hard to c onquer was bac k again, filling her heart with longing for A dam . It would take a long tim e to die down again. S he m ade hers elf a c up of tea, and went s traight to her c luttered des k. It was late, but her letter to him c ouldnt wait. S hed alm os t got to the bottom of the page before s he c rum pled it up, and tos s ed it m is erably into the was te- paper bas ket. E m otional, all-too-trans parent words , full of a pas s ion that was painfully obvious . E xac tly the kind of thing that would m os t put him off any further c ontac t. Hed been brutally c lear about not wanting any further dis plays of s entim ent from her. Forget about me, for Gods s ak e, he had c om m anded, when theyd parted for the las t tim e. W e need a long, long break from eac h other. Get y ours elf together, now . Go out and s hine, pearl. W ell, s hed begun to s hine. S he c ould look bac k over the pas t few m onths , without fals e vanity, and s ee that her whole life had been trans form ed. S hed done what A dam had wanted her to do, and s he knew that from his eyrie up in Darkris ing, he would be watc hing her c areer with s om e kind of s atis fac tion. T he very fac t that hed s ent her this note at all proved that. S hed wanted to write s o m any tim es , to try and thank him , try and s how him how deep her feelings of gratitude went. B ut that, too, had been forbidden. S he touc hed the heavy c ard with her fingertips . Maybe he didnt want any kind of reply at all. Y et that tiny little hook was s uc h a potent s ym bol for both of them . W hat the hell was it ? A m es s age that he hadnt m anaged to get her out of his m ind ? A rem inder to s tay free and unattac hed, s wim m ing in the s tream ? It was a c om plex, enigm atic ges ture from s o pos itive a m an. Maybe s he was being too c om plic ated. Maybe the m es s age was jus t a s im ple forget m e not. Margot put her pen down, and s tared ahead with dark, abs ent eyes , rem em bering that rainy autum n day when hed firs t walked into her life. T he leaves blowing in the des erted c ar park, the tall m an with the c om pelling grey eyes opening the door of the Merc edes for her S he hadnt had the s lightes t inkling what had lain in s tore for her. How c ould s he have antic ipated the ordeal that was to lead to love and in the end, to a lonelines s m ore intens e than any s hed known before. Oh yes , it was true that s he now had m ore friends than s hed ever had. A dam had taught her to free hers elf from the anger and res entm ent that had m ade her adoles c ent years s o turbulent, and as her true pers onality expanded, people were drawn to her for alm os t the firs t tim e in her life. S inc e Harc ourt, s he had m ore friends , m ore m ale s uitors , than s he needed. Y et s he knew in her heart that s he c ould never give hers elf fully to any of them . T here was only one friend, one lover, whom s he truly des ired. A nd without him , would s he ever learn to be truly happy, behind that Mona Lis a s m ile? S he didnt s end any kind of reply in the end, not then, nor during the weeks that followed. S he judged that A dam wouldnt want a res pons e, not then. It was c ruelly hard to have to rem ain s ilent; but s he des perately wanted to hear from him again. A nd the only c hanc e s he had of hearing from A dam was to res pond as c oolly as pos s ible to him A s the s um m er s eas on got under way, her workload was getting heavier. Her brief c alled for no m ore that a few artic les a week, yet it was extraordinary how m uc h work went into thos e c olum ns . T here was a lot m ore pres s ure than in the City New s days , Lawrenc e S weetney expec ted a great deal from her. It was nt that s he didnt relis h the pres s ure, and thoroughly enjoy giving of her bes t in a diffic ult brief; but knowing that the Herald had a B ritis h and international readers hip of two m illion s om etim es s till daunted her. May bec am e J une, with a flood of s howers . W ednes days and T hurs days bec am e heavier than us ual for her, when Lawrenc e S weetney introduc ed a s pec ial Friday s upplem ent, where s he had a c hanc e to really s hine. T he Friday edition, whic h was full of W es t E nd theatre and c onc ert ads , had m ore young readers than any other, and that added to the s tim ulus of providing a res pons ible guide. T he s ec ond week in J une brought hot weather at las t. T hurs day prom is ed to be a s c orc her. T he offic e was alm os t always quiet in the early m ornings , and bec aus e s he was nt bound by the s am e deadlines as news reporters , s he was able to take advantage of the c om parative c alm . B ut by m idday, the pac e was s tarting to pic k up, in preparation for what E ddie c alled the feeding frenzy of early evening. Her eyes drifted around the rapidly filling offic e. S he was looking forward to her s quas h gam e. W ith a s m ile, s he rem em bered her m others firs t reac tion when s hed c om e to s ee Margot at work: S om ehow I had the idea youd have a room of your own! T he offic e s tretc hed from one s ide of the building to the other, alm os t entirely lined with windows . T hirty or m ore des ks filled the m ain s pac e, m os t of them oc c upied. T he air was filled with nois e typewriters , elec tronic printers , telex m ac hines , the hum of voic es , the ringing of telephones . Nobody has a room of their own here, s hed s m iled ruefully at her m other. E ddie pic ked her up at twelve, and they walked the few hundred yards down Fleet S treet to the m ews where the Lanc as ter S porting Club was dis c reetly tuc ked away. T he gam e was lively, es pec ially for the initial half-hour. My point, E ddie s aid with s atis fac tion, m opping his fac e with the s weatband on his wris t. Y oure not c onc entrating, P res c ott. S orry. Margot bent to touc h her toes , s tretc hing her long legs . In the ultra-s hort white s kirt and top, s he looked delic ious tanned, fem inine and healthy. E ddie was watc hing her, and s he m et his eyes , s eeing the des ire in them . In the pas t few weeks his feelings for her had obvious ly intens ified, the way s hed known they would do. Her heart s ank s lightly at his expres s ion. S he didnt w ant an intens e relations hip with E ddie. Com e on, s he s aid bris kly. Y our s ervic e. He s erved hard into the c orner, and Margot had to s c ram ble to return it. It was us eles s for her to try and defeat E ddie by m atc hing his power s trokes . S he had to rely on her s harper reflexes and greater agility, and outfox him with dec eptive play. It was tim e s he c hanged her tac tic s . S he flic ked his volley high into the c orner, with a lightnes s of touc h whic h m ade it drop down alm os t vertic ally. E ddie pounc ed forward with a little grunt of effort, but fum bled the s hot, and s he was on hand to pat it ac ros s the c ourt, out of reac h. Dam n, he m uttered as s he walked grac efully ac ros s the wooden floor. S hould have kept m y m outh s hut. Its hot, puffed Margot. A s heen of s weat gleam ed on her tanned forearm s , but s he was relis hing the feeling of energy and health that was flowing along her veins . S um m er m us t be here at las t. Hope its better than las t s um m er. He das hed to return her s ervic e, and for an intens e half-m inute they played without s peaking, only the c ras h and ec ho of their gam e breaking the s ilenc e. Oh, for P etes s ake! he gas ped at las t, not even bothering to go for her final s hot. Y oure getting too good for m e. He held his s ides , panting, then walked over for his towel. Y oure right, I s hould lay off the booze. Im giving you ten years and five s tone already. S he s m iled at him , s winging her rac ket idly, then followed his upward gaze. In the norm ally des erted gallery up above them , a tall m an was s tanding, leaning on the railing. A dam.

CHAP TE R NINE MA RGOT S heart flipped right over ins ide her. A dam K orda hadnt been out of her m ind for five m onths , and yet it was like s eeing him for the firs t tim e. S he c ould only s tare up into the brilliant depths of thos e m agnific ent, dangerous grey eyes . His s m ile was s low, alm os t teas ing, but he gave no s ign of rec ognition. S om eone you know? E ddie as ked tightly, his hac kles ins tantly ris ing. A friend. Her m outh was dry, her knees weak as water. S uddenly, s he wanted badly to s it down. Hello, s he s aid quietly to A dam . Nic e to s ee you. Likewis e. A dam looked lean and hard, as though hed los t weight. B ut there was no les s ening of vigour in the honeytanned, intens ely m as c uline fac e. W hos winning? T he s c ores even, Margot told him . Her heart was thudding heavily agains t her ribs , and s he s eem ed unable to take her eyes off A dam . E ddie Grant s pun the rac ket in his hand, his fac e reddening s lightly. S hall we get on with our gam e, P res c ott? he s ugges ted grim ly. He glanc ed up at A dam with a s our expres s ion. W eve only got the c ourt for another ten m inutes , he explained pointedly. I wouldnt m is s the gam e for worlds , A dam purred. W ith a s uprem e effort, Margot dragged her attention bac k to the gam e. S quas h had s uddenly bec om e utterly irrelevant. Next to the pres enc e of the tall, dark m an in the gallery above, jus t about everything was irrelevant. S he s erved num bly, only to have E ddie s lam a return ac ros s the c ourt, m aking her s c ram ble. S he c ould feel A dam s eyes on her, and s he c urs ed inwardly, her m ind s eething with ques tions . W hat was he doing here? Had he c om e to find her? Obvious ly he had. B ut of all the tim es for him to be watc hing her, hot and tum ble-haired, and s c uttling ac ros s a s quas h c ourt S he won the point by s heer unc ons c ious luc k. J udging by E ddies fac e, he was in none too good a m ood. A blind m an c ouldnt have m is s ed her reac tion to A dam s arrival; and of all the m en in the world, A dam was probably the m os t likely to bring out latent feelings of ins ec urity in another m an! Her body finis hed the gam e for her, on autopilot. Her awarenes s was foc us ed on A dam s pres enc e up above; and far from c onc entrating on E ddies inc reas ingly violent s trokes , all s he c ould think about was what m ight be going on in A dam s m ind as he watc hed her. Gam e to you, s narled E ddie at las t. Margot was barely aware of having won. S he glanc ed up at A dam , who applauded s ilently, and with that old hint of irony. T he next players were already hovering expec tantly at the bac k of the c ourt. W ho the hells that? E ddie c hallenged her in a low voic e as they pus hed through the door and walked up the s tairs to the gallery. A n old friend, s he s aid lightly. Ill introduc e you. A n ex-lover? he interpreted, uns m iling. The ex- lover ? Hes s om eone who was very kind to m e, E ddie. He s norted dis believingly, but had no tim e to s ay anything further. T hey m et A dam at the top of the s tairs . He was form ally dres s ed in a dark three-piec e s uit, and he looked m agnific ent, his s heer phys ic al pres enc e dom inating everything around him . W ell played, he s aid gently, taking her hand. His kis s was not on her lips , but on the dam p s kin of her tem ple, an ac hingly fam iliar touc h. E ddie, this is A dam K orda. A dam , this is E ddie Grant. He was s till holding her hand. Margot was flus hed and breathles s , but not from the gam e. A nd A dam was nt rem otely interes ted in E ddie. His gaze travelled up her figure with s low apprec iation, finis hing on her eyes . Y ouve put on weight, he s aid, in a tone of velvety intim ac y that m ade the s kin pric kle down her s pine. E ddie s tiffened bes ide her, and s he tried to s ound light. Y ouve los t weight, s he c ountered. W hat brings you to London ? T his , he s aid gently . .. and that. His eyes were s o c om pelling, as c lear and deep as roc kpools . E yes you c ould s ink into, eyes you c ould los e yours elf in. S he tore her gaze away with a c ons c ious effort of will, and he s m iled, as though reading her turbulent em otions . Y oull both need a s hower, he s aid, releas ing her hand. Ill m eet you in the res taurant afterwards . Right, E ddie s aid, taking Margots arm in a painfully tight grip, and m ore or les s hus tling her along the gallery. W ho the hell is he? he dem anded, before they were even out of ears hot. He was obvious ly furious with her, both for beating him , and bec aus e of A dam . Y ou looked at him as though he owns your s oul! Not a bad gues s , s he thought drily. A dam s an old friend of m y fathers , s he explained patiently. He was very kind to m e when I needed help. Y eah? W hats he do? He breeds hors es , Margot s m iled, whic h was probably the unders tatem ent of the year. He does nt look the type, grunted E ddie. S o whats he doing here? I dont know, s he s aid truthfully. Y oure hurting m y arm , E ddie. Hes the one, is nt he? E ddie ac c us ed her, eyes s taring into hers from behind his tinted lens es . T he one who hurt you, the one you c ant forget P leas e, E ddie. W hy did he have to be here at all? s he thought unreas onably. A ll s he wanted right now was to be alone with A dam , without c om plic ations . T he c ruel truth was that E ddie, too, was irrelevant. W e dont have too m uc h tim e. A nd you dont want to m is s a m inute of friend A dam s c om pany? Im going to get m y s hower, s he s aid c alm ly, pulling her arm free of E ddies grip. S he walked into the wom ens c hangingroom s , pulled off her c lothes , and got into the white-tiled s hower c ubic le. S he didnt have to fantas is e today. A dam was out there, waiting for her. It was alm os t im pos s ible to believe! W hatever the reas ons , the one fac t was ines c apable. Hed c om e to find her. He was here. S he c los ed her eyes , aware that every inc h of her tanned s kin was pric kling with a s ens ation that was half delight, half pain. T hat ac he of love was s tarting in her, like a wound that nothing c ould ever heal exc ept A dam s touc h. No emotion, s he rem inded hers elf s harply. Control yours elf, Margot! For Gods s ake dont drive him away by s howing him jus t how m uc h you adore him B ut there was an odd feeling in her heart, like the trem bling of a butterflys wings , that s he hadnt felt s inc e Harc ourt. S he s howered, was hed and dried her hair, and dres s ed in rec ord tim e. B ut as s he walked into the plus h dining- room , E ddie had already arrived, obvious ly determ ined not to let her have a m inute alone with A dam . A dam ros e fluidly from the table hed been s itting at, s m iling at them both. T hat was quic k. May I buy you both a drink? Y ou c ant, E ddie s aid s hortly. Only m em bers c an buy drinks here. I am a m em ber, A dam s aid. Ive jus t been m ade one. A nd how did you m anage that s o quic kly ? E ddie as ked ungrac ious ly. I c heated, A dam s m iled. T he Club Chairm an happens to be an old friend of m ine. S ir E dward Ferrars ? s aid E ddie with barely veiled inc redulity. I have two of his m ares in m y s tables right now, A dam s aid c as ually. T heyve both been s erved by m y top s tallion, Mac allen. T he bares t m ovem ent of an eyebrow had the waiter hurrying over to them . Ive als o taken the liberty of ordering lunc h to be s erved in the next room , in about ten m inutes , he added. Its m ore private in there. Now, what will you have to drink? Ill have a vodka and fres h orange, Margot s aid has tily as E ddies m outh s et in a res entful line under his droopy m ous tac he. I thought you never touc hed alc ohol, E ddie s aid s harply. T oday I feel like a vodka and fres h orange, s he s aid s weetly, wis hing to heaven E ddie would s top being s o booris h. A s if getting the m es s age, E ddie s ubs ided into the s eat A dam waved him to, and dec ided hed have his us ual beer. Did A dam think E ddie was her lover? S o dam ned hard to tell what he was thinking behind that hands om e fac e. God forbid he s hould get the wrong idea about her relations hip with E ddie Grant. Or was it, perhaps , for the bes t that E ddie was here as a c haperon to s top her from s aying or doing anything s tupid? S o what does bring you to London? s he as ked A dam , trying to s ound c ool and pois ed. B us ines s ? Y es . I went to m eet s om e V IP s at Heathrow this m orning, he s aid. T he lines round his eyes deepened in a quiet s m ile. T hree brood m ares from Hong K ong. I like to be on hand on thes e oc c as ions , jus t to c hec k that everything goes s m oothly. T heyre in boxes , on their way to Harc ourt right now. A ll the way from Hong K ong! T hats a long way to s end three m ares to s tud, s aid Margot in awe. A long way, and a lot of m oney, A dam nodded. T he owner, whos a Chines e m illionaire, was determ ined on Mac allen, des pite all the diffic ulties . Hes building up what he hopes will be one of the bes t s trings of m ares in the Far E as t. T hes e three will be at Harc ourt for the next two years , in whic h tim e they s hould have produc ed two foals eac h. J us t like that, E ddie put in drily. P roduc tion-line hors es ? If it all went as s m oothly as a produc tion line, A dam s aid pleas antly, m y life would be a lot eas ier. A nd what happens if there is nt a res ult? T heres always a res ult, A dam ans wered the aggres s ive ques tion eas ily. He looked at Margot. I dont have to as k how your c areers going. I read the ans wer every day in the Herald. My s tuff does nt always have a by-line, s he s aid, to c over the way her c heeks had flus hed. I s eldom have any trouble s potting your work, he s m iled. T he waiter arrived with their drinks , and after a few m ore m om ents des ultory c hat, with E ddie looking m ore om inous by the m inute, they m oved to the little private dining-room next door. Margot was longing to as k A dam about Harc ourt, about what the c ountrys ide looked like, whether the great Hall was furnis hed yet. B ut s he c ouldnt. E ddies pres enc e inhibited any dis c us s ion that m ight reveal jus t how c los e s he and A dam had been, and the c irc um s tanc es of their m onths together. A nd the las t thing A dam would want would be a dis play of unwelc om e em otion from her. T he m eal, whic h was m os tly c old, and had obvious ly been s pec ially prepared in their honour, was a long way from their us ual s elf-s ervic e fare. A dam talked eas ily and entertainingly about the hors es . If he was dis turbed or am us ed by E ddies glowering expres s ion, he gave no s ign of it. His c harm m ade up for her own awkwardnes s and E ddies s ulks , and Margot watc hed him with adoring eyes . He had definitely los t weight, s he was s ure of it; the lines of his c heekbones and jawline were hars her then s he rem em bered. S he wanted to as k him about that, too, but c ouldnt. S he jus t watc hed him , thinking how unbelievably hands om e he was , drinking in that potent aura he always exuded. I had another reas on for c om ing down s outh, A dam rem arked over the exc ellent des s ert. T he Clas s ic at Cheltenham tom orrow afternoon. S ail A way is the s ec ond favourite. One of your hors es ? E ddie grunted. A dam nodded. T he big liver c hes tnut. Rem em ber him from Harc ourt, Margot? S he nodded. I thought hed m ake a prom is ing flat rac er onc e, but hes fulfilled him s elf as a s teeplec has er. If youre a betting m an, you m ight get quite good odds on him . Im not a betting m an, E ddie s aid flatly. T oo bad, s aid A dam with total indifferenc e to the s nub. He glanc ed at his watc h, the glitter of diam onds bringing bac k s o m any m em ories for Margot. T im es getting on. Im going to have to rus h. Margot felt a phys ic al pain lanc e through her. W as he going to jus t walk out of her life again, the way hed s o abruptly walked in? T ears were dis as trous ly c los e beneath her c alm expres s ion now, and s he put her hands in her lap to hide the fac t that theyd s uddenly s tarted s haking badly. A dam s eyes m et hers , no s m ile in them now. I have a box at Cheltenham , he s aid quietly. I thought you m ight like to c om e. Her heart jum ped painfully at the invitation, m aking her unable to s peak for a m om ent. W ith a s uprem e effort, s he c ontrolled her expres s ion. I dont think Ive got anything els e on, s he s aid c oolly. E ddies s ilenc e was m onum ental, but s he didnt give a dam n right then. S he was jus t too happy, and too bus y trying to dis guis e it. Y es , Id like to c om e. Good, s aid A dam , equally c as ually. Y ouve never been to Cheltenham before, have you? No. S he s hook her dark head. Ill enjoy s howing you round. He glanc ed at E ddie. Im s orry to have to leave you like this , but m y afternoon is filled with rather boring bus ines s m eetings . E ddie didnt s ay a word, but A dam hardly s eem ed to notic e. His eyes were bac k on hers . W hat tim e will you be free tom orrow? A round twelve-thirty, s he told him . Ill pic k you up then, at the Herald offic e.

S he nodded, not trus ting hers elf to s ay anything els e. In that brief paus e before s hed agreed to go with him , s hed s een s om ething in his eyes whic h s hed never s een there before. S om ething that was alm os t like pleading. Or was s he being abs urd? A dam s departure was urbane, relaxed. E ddie watc hed him leave with an expres s ionles s fac e, then leaned bac k, one arm s tretc hed out along the c hair-bac k. I m us t s eem pretty s ec ond-rate after A dam K orda, he s aid abruptly, with m ore than a touc h of bitternes s in his fac e and voic e. S he didnt know what to s ay, s o s he reac hed out a hand to him . He was in the s am e boat as s he was right now, and there was jus t no s olution for either of them . Oh, dont feel bad, he s aid drily, and drained his glas s . A fter all, youve given m e enough s ignals , havent you? Y ou never wanted anything m ore from m e than friends hip, and Ive been too s tupid and too c onc eited to believe it. E ddie, it is nt the way you think, s he s aid quietly. A dam is nt in love with m e. T hats why he c am e all the way out here to find you, is it? E ddie s hrugged, its im m aterial, anyway. T he point that c onc erns m e is that you love him . Y ou always have done, and you always will do. Margot flinc hed. Does it s how? s he as ked unhappily. T he fac t that you try and hide it s hows . E ddie s m iled without am us em ent. Hes quite a m an, Margot. I c an s ee why hed be hard to forget. I wis h you luc k. W hat with? s he as ked. W ith your dream , he s aid, eyes gentle now behind the tinted lens es . E verybody has a dream in this life, Margot. Making it c om e true is us ually the differenc e between a life fulfilled, and a life was ted in us eles s longings . Y ours happens to be c alled A dam K orda. S hall we go? S he was s ilent on the way bac k to the offic e, her m ind filled with unhappy thoughts about A dam , m ingled with m ore m undane c onc erns , like when s hed have the tim e to buy a new dres s for Cheltenham . A s they turned into Fleet S treet, s he touc hed E ddies arm gently. S he had to lift her voic e over the nois e of the traffic . Im s orry, E ddie, s he s aid, pitying him . Dont be, he ans wered, looking up at the blue s ky between the buildings . I always knew that another m an was num ber one in your heart. I jus t thought that in tim e youd s ettle for a num ber two. Now I know better, thats all. Y oull never be happy with any other m an, Margot. Never. T he hors es poured over the fenc e, a torrent of glos s y, m us c ular bodies , filling the air with the thunder of their hooves , the joc keys c olours blazing agains t the em erald turf. Margot had been holding her breath in a m ixture of awe at the glory of the s ight, and horror at the naked danger of it all. In a m atter of a s ec ond or two, alm os t all the hors es were over; then, one of the tail-enders was taking the fenc e awkwardly, dis as ter written in every s training line. T he hors e landed with his head low, his forelegs c rum pling, and s he heard the joc keys gas p, quite c learly above the pounding of the rec eding field, as he thum ped into the gras s , and rolled over, trying to c over his head from the s teel-s hod hooves . A dam ! s he s aid urgently, fingers digging into his arm . Hes only winded, A dam s aid uns ym pathetic ally. T he joc key ros e groggily to his feet, helped by two S t J ohn A m bulanc e m en, while a s m all pos s e of helpers trotted to harnes s his equally dazed-looking m ount. T he idiot m ight have killed him s elf and the hors e. Good thing the goings s oft. He s wung his fieldglas s es to follow the s tream of hors es along the c urve of the trac k, and over the next im m ac ulate white and green fenc e. S he c lung c los e to his hard s trength, her fears for the joc key s om ewhat abated. It was a glorious day, and s he c ouldnt rem em ber when s hed las t felt s o alive, s o happy. I had no idea it was s o fas t, s o ex c iting, s he s aid breathles s ly, its m arvellous ! J us t lis ten to the c rowd T his is what its all about, A dam s m iled, pas s ing her the fieldglas s es . A ll thos e thous ands of people, s houting for their bets . T hats how a hors e c an end up worth tens of m illions of pounds . S he followed the field, whic h was beginning to s pread out as it reac hed the half-way m ark. It was a beautiful s ight, eight of the fines t hors es in E urope, thundering ac ros s velvety E nglis h turf, under the deep blue c anopy of an E nglis h s um m er s ky. T he s light breeze tugged at Margots s oft, wide hat, threatening to tip it off. S he was wearing the outfit s hed bought the day before after work, in a pale c ream that was alm os t white, s et off with a s ilk s c arf the deep blue of a s um m er s ky. S he looked and felt m arvellous on this day. Cheltenham was thronged with people for the firs t rac e of the afternoon. S he and A dam had arrived about half an hour ago, and had gone s traight to the m em bers enc los ure to m eet a s m all group of A dam s friends . His s is ters hadnt arrived yet, but S ail A way was nt going to be rac ing for another hour, in the big rac e of the afternoon. T he nois e of the c rowd ros e to a roar as the hors es approac hed the final fenc e. T here were only five left by now, with two in c ontention for firs t plac e. T o Margots untrained eye they were nec k-and-nec k as they flew pas t the winning-pos t, but the tall wom an in her fifties , whom A dam had introduc ed as Lady W arrender, gave a whoop of delight. T our de Franc e, by a head! Ive jus t won ten pounds ! A dam grinned at Margot. He was wearing the fawn B urberry hed worn the firs t day theyd m et as a very private joke between them , s he s us pec ted. During the drive up from London, hed talked c as ually about Harc ourt, des c ribing the beauty of the c ountrys ide in s um m er; but the only hint of any m ore pers onal c ontac t had been the way hed taken her arm s o pos s es s ively am ong the c rowds . Her im pres s ion that hed los t weight s eem ed to be m is taken today. He looked as fit and potent as hed ever done, and as hands om e as Luc ifer. T he grey eyes m et hers with that old, old m agic , m aking her heart jum p in reac tion. T hen he glanc ed over her s houlder. A h, he s aid. Here c om es the K orda c lan. Margot turned to be introduc ed to the three people whod jus t arrived. A dam s two s is ters , both in wide- brim m ed hats like her own, were in their m id-twenties , a few years older than Margot hers elf. V anes s a, the eldes t, was s urpris ingly fair and ros y-c heeked, and had the air of a c om fortable c ountry s quires wife, an im pres s ion borne out by her jovial, tweed-s uited hus band, P hilip. Charm ian, who was on her own, was m ore like A dam . T all and dark-haired, s he m oved with born aris toc ratic grac e, and s he had A dam s heart-warm ing s m ile. A ll three greeted Margot with unexpec ted warm th, yet s he s ens ed s om ething els e, too. Curios ity, an apprais al, perhaps , whic h Charm ian m ade the leas t effort to hide. W hat a beautiful s uit, was the firs t thing s he s aid to Margot. Y ou look s o c ool and fres h! Hows S ail A way today? V anes s as hus band P hilip as ked A dam . Looking fit? He was in a bit of a lather las t tim e I s aw him , s m iled A dam . He gets nervous on the big day s om etim es . I hope hes not going to los e m e m y s take, V anes s a s ighed. Ive put twenty pounds on him . W hat odds ? A dam wanted to know. S even to four, s he grim ac ed. Im always too late, s he c om plained to Margot. B y the tim e I get m y bet on, the odds have narrowed down to the pitc h where its s c arc ely worth putting anything on. T wenty quid m ay be s c arc ely anything to you, s norted Charm ian, but its a fortune to m e. Charm ian runs a s m all plant nurs ery, A dam explained. Ive tried to help her out, but s hes too proud to take m y m oney, s o s he works fifteen hours a day, and lives on c rus ts . W hat s ort of plants ? Margot as ked, s m iling. Hardy annuals , Charm ian replied. A re you interes ted in gardening? I love it, nodded Margot, and s aw Charm ians expres s ion c hange to pure pleas ure. Good. W ell have lots to talk about. S he turned to A dam . Lets go to the box, big brother. Im half-s tarved! Hope youve laid on your us ual s pread, A dam , V anes s a s aid with relis h. W eve c om e all the way from Norfolk, and were s tarving. S he took Margots arm in a m otherly way. A re you interes ted in rac ing, Margot? Or does the whole thing bore you to tears ? it c ertainly does nt bore m e, s he s m iled. A ll the K ordas had grey eyes , s he thought. A lthough it was Charm ian who m os t im m ediately rem inded her of A dam , her fac e was of an entirely different c as t from her brothers , fem inine and delic ate. S he had flanked Margots other s ide, leaving P hilip and A dam to bring up the rear with Lady W arrender and the res t of the party. Inquis itive s is terly attention to the new fem ale arrival, s he thought wryly, and didnt blam e them . How m any tim es had they s een wom en c om e and go in A dam s c rowded life? Y et it was no effort to c hat eas ily with them , and before theyd got to the box, s hed dec ided quite firm ly that s he liked them both. T he box was , to Margot, as tonis hingly grand. It had a s plendid view of the trac k, and a m outhwatering c old lunc h had been laid out on a buffet agains t one wall, with a dozen bottles of c ham pagne on ic e, and what looked like s everal c rates m ore under the table. A dam was s till involved in a highly tec hnic al dis c us s ion of breeding m erits with s om e of his other gues ts , s o s he and his s is ters m oved eas ily into the role of hos tes s es . S he m et A dam s eyes again as s he pas s ed him a plate, and felt that pang of des ire s hoot through her. How s weet it would be to be always at his s ide, loving him , helping him A s s oon as all the plates had been loaded, and glas s es filled, Charm ian led Margot out on to the balc ony, away from the c rowd. T hey s at together, looking out over the c olourful s c ene down below. T here, s ighed Charm ian. Out of the m elee. Do you m ind if I as k how old you are ? Margot fielded the unexpec ted ques tion as neatly as s he c ould. I turned twenty las t m onth. Y oure very pois ed for twenty, the other wom an s m iled. Im twenty-s ix, by the way/ T he intelligent grey eyes were as s es s ing her unam biguous ly now, drifting from her fac e to her hands . Forgive m e, Margot. I know a little bit about you. S o does V anes s a. W e know that you s pent m os t of the winter at Harc ourt with A dam , and we think we know why. Margot felt her c heeks c olour, but s he didnt look away. I owe m y life to your brother, Charm ian, s he s aid quietly. W as it as bad as that? Charm ian s ipped her c ham pagne thoughtfully, then put the glas s down. W e had s om e idea, though A dam has always been exc eptionally good at keeping his private life private even from his s is ters . S he s m iled again, apologetic ally. He told us the bare m inim um of c ours e. W eve als o read your artic le in Liberty , whic h helped to fles h out what A dam told us . Y ouve been exc eptionally brave. I was exc eptionally luc ky, Margot c orrec ted, if A dam hadnt s tepped into m y life, Id probably be lying in a gutter s om ewhere right at this m om ent. T hats very hard to believe. Charm ians eyes drifted over Margots c ream y-white s uit. A ddic tions the las t thing Id ever have expec ted in you. Ive c hanged rather s ignific antly s inc e las t year, Margot replied with a wry s m ile. T hough I dont blam e you for expec ting m e to be abs olutely awful! W e werent expec ting that, either. Charm ian s hook her dark head. Having read your work, and having heard s om ething about your life from A dam , we were expec ting s om eone c harm ing, s ens itive, and form idably intelligent. S he s m iled s lightly. V anes s a and I are jus t c ountry bum pkins , Margot. Y oull find us very dull, Im afraid. B ut we do have warm hearts . T hats obvious , s aid Margot with an em barras s ed expres s ion. Y oure very kind. S he pic ked at her food. Do you want to know exac tly what happened? No. T hats between you and A dam . Careful eyes probed her expres s ion. B ut you dont bear A dam any s ort of grudge? Of c ours e not! s aid Margot, dark eyes widening in s urpris e. W hy s hould I bear him a grudge? Y ouve been through a painful ordeal, Charm ian s aid obliquely. A c c ording to A ileen B ell, A dam m ore or les s kidnapped you, and held you c aptive at the gam ekeepers lodge. S he felt youd been very hars hly treated. Is that true? I treated Mrs B ell fairly hars hly m ys elf, Margot replied with a half-s m ile. A t leas t, I did at firs t. A dam was very forc eful, yes . I wouldnt rec om m end it as a blanket c ure for addic tion, but in m y c as e S he s hrugged, pic king up a c hic ken wing, it happened to be exac tly what I needed. Ill always be in A dam s debt. W hy s hould you think I was angry with him ? A dam s too dam ned forc eful by half, Charm ian s aid with a frown, it m akes m y blood run c old s om etim es . Dont tell V anes s a s hes got a partic ularly vivid im agination. Did he really s natc h you off the pavem ent-? S he broke off, s haking her head. Im s orry. I really dont want to pry into what happened between you and A dam . T hats all right, Margot s aid eas ily. Charm ian took off her

wide-brim m ed hat, and dropped it bes ide her. S he hadnt touc hed her food yet. Given your s ituation, s he went on, Im s ure A dam would have told you about our brother Mic hael. A bout his c anc er, his addic tion. A nd his death, Margot s aid quietly. S he put her plate down, her appetite s uddenly gone. Y es , he told m e. Im very s orry. Y ouve had your own tragedy, Charm ian s aid gently, s o you unders tand. Margot wondered abs ently how m uc h exac tly A dam s s is ters knew about her. I was eighteen when it happened, Charm ian went on, and V anes s a was nineteen. A dam was twenty-four. S he s tared out ac ros s the s unlit trac k. Y ou have to unders tand that A dam bec am e the head of our fam ily when our parents died. He was m ore than a brother to us he was our father and m other, too. He took all the res pons ibility and he took m os t of the pain. Hes rather good at that, Margot s aid s oftly. Y es , Charm ian agreed. He is . A dam s the c los es t thing I know to the perfec t m an. B ut then, s he s m iled, I am his s is ter. It was A dam who took m os t of the brunt of Mic haels tragedy. He m anaged to s helter us all in s om e s trange way, even Mic hael him s elf. B ut it hit him hard, and it took him a long tim e to get over it, nearly two years . Margot c los ed her dark eyes , leaning her head bac k agains t the fabric of the c hair. Love for A dam was an ac he in her, a gaping hole s om ewhere ins ide. W hy are you telling m e this ? s he as ked. Im not s ure. Charm ian leaned forward s lightly, her expres s ion s erious . Maybe bec aus e theres s om ething about the way A dam s been thes e pas t few m onths that rem inds m e of the way he looked when Mic hael died. W hat do you m ean? as ked Margot s harply, opening her eyes . W ell, for a s tart, hes los t a lot of weight rec ently. I expec t you notic ed that. Y es , Margot s aid s hortly. He s eem s s o m oody. V anes s a went up to s tay with him two m onths ago, and s he was quite troubled. Hes withdrawn and depres s ed, whic h is nt like him . Oh, it does nt s how when hes got people around him , s he added, as Margot glanc ed uneas ily bac k through the door at A dam s tall figure. A dam s always been very good at hiding his real feelings , even from his s is ters . B ut this tim e he c ant quite m anage. Hes even neglec ting the s tud, and you know how m uc h the hors es m ean to him . Y es , Margot s aid again, in a low voic e. T hats why Im s o glad to be able to m eet you. T o s ee whether theres anything you c ould do that m ight help. Me! T his has happened to him s inc e you left Harc ourt, Charm ian explained prac tic ally. A dam s always been s urrounded by wom en, but theyve never s eem ed to m ean anything to him . Maybe this tim e its different. Margot s tared blankly, for the firs t tim e beginning to realis e what Charm ian was getting at. A re you s aying you think that A dam s pining away for me? is that s o unlikely? Oh, Charm ian! T he irony would be am us ing if it werent s o dam ned painful. T he idea that A dam was m is s ing her, brooding over her abs enc e, had s haken her em otions up in an unwelc om e way. S hed been determ ined to jus t enjoy today for its own s ake, without brooding over her own problem s . Do you think I walked out on him ? Charm ian s pread her hands . W ell Margot took a deep breath to c ontrol her feelings , and s poke in a low voic e. I didnt walk out on A dam , Charm ian. If you m us t know, I c are m ore about your brother than anything in the world. Charm ians grey eyes darkened. T hen why ? A dam s ent m e away from Harc ourt. I think his m otives were irreproac hable but it was he who s ent me away, not the other way around. S he m et the other wom ans eyes . He knew I was falling in love with him , and he felt that it was a dangerous infatuation that was bes t s c otc hed in the bud. S o he m ade m e c om e bac k to London. For m y own s afety. A h. Charm ians c urving m outh eas ed into a bitters weet s m ile. I m ight have gues s ed. I m ight have gues s ed. S uddenly I feel s orrier for you than for A dam . He really is im pos s ibly quixotic s om etim es . S he s earc hed Margots now pale, beautiful fac e, i take it that your love for him is as s trong as it ever was ? it has nt c hanged, Margot s aid drily. Charm ian was s till s taring at her as A dam and two of the other gues ts c am e out on to the balc ony with a flood of c onvers ation and laughter. Margot felt A dam s s trong finders c los e round her wris t, and looked up into his s m iling, tanned fac e. if youve finis hed s tuffing yours elf, he m urm ured, its tim e I went to s ee S ail A way and m y joc key before the off. W ant to c om e? Y es . pleas e! W ith a quic k glanc e at Charm ian, Margot ros e to follow A dam out of the box, her heart pounding in her c hes t. T he parade ring was c rowded. Mos t of the hors es had already arrived, and the air was alm os t c rac kling with exc item ent. Margot and A dam s tood with the dim inutive joc key, watc hing S ail A way pranc e ac ros s the turf. B illy S haughnes s y, A dam s head trainer, was with them , too. A s A dam had s aid, the big liver c hes tnut hors es c oat was dark with s weat. T he lad who was trotting him was having s om e trouble res training him ; he was tos s ing his head agains t the bridle, and as they watc hed, he dug his front hooves in and kic ked out bac kwards in the bes t bronc o tradition, c aus ing a s c attering of s pec tators and other hors es . Hes a right pig today, B illy s aid uneas ily. Hes jus t full of s pirit, A dam s m iled. W hat do you think K evin? T he joc key balanc ed his helm et, goggles and whip in his hands , wizened fac e c reas ing. He was wearing the K orda c olours , s c arlet and gold, c olours that were c enturies old, A dam had onc e told her. T hey blazed in the s un, dazzling. Hes bes t when hes nervous , K evin s aid s hortly. W eve got a good c hanc e today. T hats what I think, A dam agreed. Margot had been watc hing the televis ion c rew m oving s teadily their way, and now the interviewer s lapped A dam fam iliarly on the s houlder. Hello, A dam . S pare us five m inutes ? Us ual s tuff. A dam nodded, and m oved off s o that the c am era c ould get the s him m ering green of the trac k in the bac kground. Margot watc hed, lis tening abs ently to B illy telling her what a pig S ail A way c ould be. Her m ind was s till whirling with what Charm ian K orda had told her. W as there really a c hanc e that A dam had been m is s ing her? T hat des pite his dis m is s al of her five m onths ago, hed never m anaged to get her out of his heart ? T he thought brought an overwhelm ing wave of em otion was hing through her, c om pounded of hope and tightening nerves . A dam s tood tall in front of the c am eras , the s unlight glinting am ong the dark c urls of his hair. In every inc h he was m ale, a s uperb anim al at the very peak of his phys ic al and m ental powers . A m an to m ake any wom an dizzy. S he felt a fierc e burn of pride run along her veins . He was m agnific ent. T here was no other word for it. T hat he c ould be hers was a dream , as E ddie Grant had s aid, whic h m ight m ean the differenc e between a life fulfilled and a life was ted T he s ignal was given for the joc keys to m ount. A dam jus t got bac k in tim e to s hake hands with K evin. Good luc k, he s aid quietly. T hanks , Mr K orda. He pulled on his helm et with a tens e expres s ion, and trotted off towards S ail A way. A dam s lid his arm round Margots wais t, pulling her c los e. T he ges ture was exac tly what s hed been longing for, and s he laid her glos s y head agains t his s houlder, feeling a s ec urity s he hadnt known s inc e the las t tim e A dam had held her like this , at Harc ourt. is S ail A way all right? s he as ked. Hes going to win, he s aid with c om plete c onfidenc e. S he had to s m ile at him . If A dam s aid S ail A way would win, then he w ould win. T he hors es had all m us tered at the s tarting point, S ail A way s till kic king nervous ly, earning his joc key a reprim and from the s tarter. Relax, K evin, A dam growled. T he nois e of the c rowd s ubs ided expec tantly for a m om ent. T hen the tapes s hot up, and the pac k exploded into ac tion with a roar from the s tand. Magic ally, S ail A way was trans form ed from a nervous , jittery c reature into an oiled thunderbolt on four s peed-blurred hooves . W ith unerring power, he s ought the lead, and by the tim e they were c om ing up to the firs t fenc e, he was ahead by two lengths . Unexpec tedly, A dam turned his bac k c as ually on the trac k, and walked with her ac ros s the parade ring gras s . Dont you want to watc h? s he as ked in as tonis hm ent. Not partic ularly, he s m iled, looking down at her. Y ou s eem to get on well with m y s is ters . T heyre very nic e, s he nodded in puzzlem ent. E s pec ially Charm ian. Y es . Y ou were very thic k with her out on the balc ony. His glanc e was veiled by lowered las hes . W hat were you talking about? A -about hors es , Margot ans wered in c onfus ion. Liar, he s aid s oftly. Charm ians an interfering little m inx. W hat do you m ean? s he as ked uns teadily. I m ean that Ive got very s harp hearing. I was s tanding by the door, pretending to lis ten to Lis a W arrender, he replied. A nd I c ouldnt help overhearing the las t part of what you were s aying to m y s is ter. Oh! Margots fac e flus hed hotly with c olour as s he rec alled what s hed jus t s aid to Charm ian. I I dont know what to s ay Little pearl, he s aid hus kily, you know exac tly what to s ay. His s trong arm s reac hed for her, the way theyd done in a thous and dream s , and with a little s ob of em otion, s he m elted agains t him , nes tling in his protec tive em brac e. His body was warm , his m us c les s leek and potent agains t her. A dam , s he whis pered, her voic e barely audible above the roar of the s tands , Ive m is s ed you s o m uc h He drew her upturned fac e s lowly agains t his m outh. W ith intoxic ating s weetnes s , s he felt his lips brus h her own. A nd as her m outh yielded to the delic ious , fam iliar tyranny of his kis s , joy s eem ed to flood her like a burs ting dam . S he c los ed her eyes in s urrender, letting her head drop bac k s o that her dark hair c as c aded away from her forehead. His m outh tas ted of c ham pagne, his hands were c upping her fac e. Nothing in the world m attered beyond this m om ent, not the eyes of a thous and watc hers , not the thundering of hooves , not the heat of the s un nor the inquis itive lens of the televis ion c am era s winging their way. S c arc ely knowing whether s he was dream ing or waking, s he looked up into the deep grey eyes that s eem ed to look into her very s oul, and as always , felt that elec tric s hoc k to the heart that s he knew would never fade. Y oure s o beautiful, pearl. T he m os t beautiful wom an Ive ever s een. T hats what I thought, that very firs t day in London, and its what I think now. He touc hed her parted lips with gentle fingers , his expres s ion wondering. God knows how I ever im agined I c ould live without you T hen Y ou want m e? s he s aid trem blingly, s c arc ely daring to hope. Y es , he nodded. I want you, Margot. For ever. A dam I c am e to London to as k you to m arry m e, Margot. He s m iled. I was going to do it tonight. T ake you out, get you s o tips y that you c ouldnt s ay no. B ut m y dear s is ter s eem s to have ac c elerated things between us a little. Y ou dont have to get m e tips y, Margot s aid. Ive loved you s inc e thos e firs t days at Harc ourt, A dam . I was jus t withering away without you. No res ervations ? he as ked quietly. None. I love you, dont you know that? T he c heering of the c rowd was ris ing to a peak, alm os t drowning out the rac e c om m entary over the public addres s s ys tem . S ail A ways nam e c ould jus t be m ade out in the c ac ophony. A dam s m iled down at her. I told you S ail A way would win, he purred. How do you feel about being s eques tered away in the c ountry for the res t of your life, with s everal hundred s uc c es s ful rac ehors es and m e? it overwhelm s m e, s he s aid truthfully, its what Ive dream ed of. Harc ourt will always be m y hom e, A dam . A nywhere els e would be exile to m e Y oure going to have to leave your wonderful new job, he rem inded her. A rent you going to m is s London and the bright lights ? Mis s your independenc e? My independenc e! s he repeated wryly, it was des olation, A dam . A nd there is nt a s ingle thing in m y pres ent life that Ill m is s at Harc ourt. S he looked up at him . I want your c hildren, m y love. I dont want to wait for them . A nd Ive never believed in working m others . Children? he as ked with m oc k s urpris e. W ouldnt jus t one do? A s on to s tart with, s he prom is ed him , but at leas t three or four, A dam . Ill have m y way, you know I will. Y es , pearl, I know you will. He s wept her up in his arm s , laughing into her eyes with the trium ph of a m an c laim ing his wom an, and for long m inutes s he was los t in him again, los t in the wonder of A dam .

A dam , s he s aid breathles s ly at las t, look! T heyre about to finis h! T hey both turned in tim e to watc h the final few furlongs , their bodies pres s ed together. S ail A way was three lengths ahead, the s c arlet and gold figure of K evin hunc hed over the s addle. In the joy and trium ph of the m om ent, Margot found hers elf willing the m agnific ent anim al on with every fibre of her being. He didnt falter. T he res t of the field followed s om ewhat lam ely in his wake as he rac ed pas t the white winners pos t like the very pers onific ation of anim al energy. A nd the c rowd were wild with elation. T heres a trophy, s m iled A dam . S hall we go and ac c ept it? S he was alm os t too weak on her legs to walk. S he had to c ling to A dam as they walked to the uns addling enc los ure, c ongratulations s howering on them from all s ides . On the balc ony above, s he c aught s ight of Charm ian and V anes s a waving. Maybe it was the dis tanc e, but s he thought Charm ians eyes looked wet with tears Colour, nois e, the blaze of flas hlights . Half dazed, s he s tood bes ide A dam , knowing only that s he was radiantly happy. Hed c om e for her, again. Hed c om e for her in the end, the way s hed always dream ed he would. Her ordeal of s olitude was over. From now on A dam would always be there bes ide her, trans form ing her life, m aking it fulfilled, joyful, alive. S he looked up at him , her fac e glowing in the s unlight. W hy did you take s o long? s he dem anded, her voic e pitc hed s o that only he c ould hear. T o be s ure, he told her. T he c am eras flas hed and blazed as he dum ped the golden trophy in her arm s , and kis s ed her full on the lips , for twenty m illion viewers to s ee. T o be s ure that you c ould pic k up the piec es of your life without m e. T o be s ure that you wouldnt forget m e, onc e our proxim ity was over. Oh, A dam , s he s ighed. A nd I thought you had faith in m e! From now on, he vowed, youll never leave m y s ide. T he dozens of televis ion m onitors around the paddoc k were all s howing the s am e s c enes . A big liver c hes nut s tallion flas hing pas t the finis hing pos t. A nd the figures of a m an and wom an, c linging together in a pas s ionate kis s , oblivious to the world. A pic ture repeated dozens of tim es around the paddoc k. Countles s num bers of tim es ac ros s c ountles s num bers of s c reens . J us t as it would be repeated c ountles s tim es , with everdeepening m eaning and intens ity, in their own happy lives .

Table of Contents
CHAPTER ONE CHAPTER TWO CHAPTER THREE CHAPTER FOUR CHAPTER FIVE CHAPTER SIX CHAPTER SEVEN CHAPTER EIGHT CHAPTER NINE

Table of Contents
CHAPTER ONE CHAPTER TWO CHAPTER THREE CHAPTER FOUR CHAPTER FIVE CHAPTER SIX CHAPTER SEVEN CHAPTER EIGHT CHAPTER NINE