Jewish Mourning Practices: A Time for Reflection and Memory

Rabbi Joseph H. Krakoff

CONGREGATION SHAAREY ZEDEK SOUTHFIELD, MICHIGAN

Jewish Mourning Practices: A Time for Reflection and Memory

Rabbi Joseph H. Krakoff
CONGREGATION SHAAREY ZEDEK SOUTHFIELD, MICHIGAN

First and Foremost: We Are Here For You!

Confronting the sadness accompanied with the death of a loved one often catapults mourners into moments of anguish, uncertainty and pain, even amid the beautiful and cherished memories of a meaningful legacy and a life welllived. Without a doubt, this can be a very difficult time, and there is no single way to confront the psychological roller coaster that comes with loss and mourning. This guide has been created to help congregants and friends better understand Jewish approaches to death and mourning, but it is no substitute for talking with your Clergy. We are here to personally offer you comfort, while helping to honor the memory of loved ones in a meaningful way. If you need clarification of any rituals, or are confronted with a particularly difficult situation, or if you just need a hug or a caring ear, your Clergy will always be responsive to your needs, and our door is eternally open to you. So please call on us at any time with questions or concerns. We wish you and your loved ones peace and consolation as you mourn your loss.

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Table of Contents
I. Mitzvot (Commandments) in a Time of Mourning ............... 4

II. Bikkur Cholim (Visiting the Ill), Vidui (End-of-Life Prayer) . 5 III. At the Time of Death ............................................................ 7 IV. The Funeral Service ............................................................. 9 V. Leaving the Cemetery and Mourning Customs ................ 12 Meal of Consolation ............................................................ 12 The House of Mourning ..................................................... 13 Shiva ..................................................................................... 14 Shloshim ............................................................................... 15 Minyan ................................................................................. 16 Visiting the Cemetery/Unveiling ........................................ 16 Yahrzeit ................................................................................. 17 Yizkor ................................................................................... 17 VI. End-of-Life Decisions ........................................................ 18 VII. Wishing You Comfort ......................................................... 19

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I. Mitzvot (Commandments) in a Time of Mourning

The Jewish rituals of mourning are thousands of years old and are structured to bring about comfort and psychological healing. Based on the laws of the Torah and developed more fully in the Rabbinic Period (200-500 CE), there are two major categories of mitzvot (commandments) associated with death: Kvod HaMeit (honoring the dead) which continues until burial is complete and Nichum Aveilim (comforting the mourners), which focuses on helping the mourners in every way possible during their time of need. This booklet was lovingly prepared as a resource guide to help inform and educate mourners and their families during a very difficult time of loss. We hope this begins to answer your questions, and we pray that the rituals described herein bring solace in the moments when it is most needed.

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II. Bikkur Cholim (Visiting the Ill), Vidui (End-of-Life Prayer)

Your Rabbis and Cantors want to provide support every step of the way. If a loved one is ill we would like to visit them. Since hospitals, hospices and care facilities are not allowed to share or release confidential patient information, we are completely dependent on family members and friends to inform us. Please call the synagogue office (248.357.5544) so we can arrange a visit, at which time we will offer the Mi Shebeirach lCholim, the prayer for healing. If it is a situation where death is impending, we suggest finding a time to bring the family together with the Rabbi at the bedside to recite the Vidui, the end-of-life prayer. This prayer, which includes the Shma (Hear O Israel), petitions God for comfort and peace during the final days/hours. It also allows the family to formally give the individual permission to die. The prayer does not hasten death by any means, but creates a powerful and unconditionally loving Jewish setting for saying goodbye.

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S U P P O RT I N G T H E I L L A N D T H E D Y I N G
CONTINUED

Near the end of a loved ones life, it is customary in our tradition to not leave the individual alone. We believe that as we die, our soul is being separated from our body. Our physical bodies eventually get sick or wear down, but the soul implanted within us is pure and never diminishes. Just as we receive our soul when we are born into this world, our soul is returned to the Almighty when we die. When we stay with loved ones in their final hours and recite Psalms or re-tell stories, we actually play an indispensable role in escorting their soul from this world (Olam HaZeh) to the next world or World to Come (Olam HaBah), where they take their place in another plane of existence.

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III. At the Time of Death

When death occurs, the period of aninut (time between death and interment) commences. At this point, we are fully focused on planning the funeral and arranging for burial. If the death occurs in the hospital, the bereavement nurses will offer guidance and prompt you when to place the telephone call to the funeral chapel that you have chosen. When a death occurs at home, if hospice or a team of care professionals has been engaged, they will offer guidance. In Michigan, any home death is considered a suspicious death, and thus, the police will be called to the house before the deceased can be released to the funeral home. In Metropolitan Detroit, there are three Jewish funeral homes: The Dorfman Chapel 248.406.6000 Hebrew Memorial 248.543.1622 The Ira Kaufman Chapel 248.569.0020

An onen (individual mourner) is exempt from all religious obligations, and does not typically pray, put on tefillin, have an aliyah to the Torah, say Kaddish yet, or conduct business. Their time is spent, rather, in preparing for the funeral/burial.

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AT T H E T I M E O F D E AT H
CONTINUED

Immediately after Death A representative of the funeral home will schedule a family meeting to make arrangements that include setting the time and location for the service, selecting a casket and securing the Clergy to officiate. The Rabbi will meet with the family and facilitate the sharing of stories, reflections and remembrances that memorialize the deceased. This opportunity to laugh and to cry as an extended family in a private setting is an important and invaluable part of the mourning period. Some even choose to record these sessions to keep as a perpetual collection of memories. Shomer (staying with the deceaseds body) Taharah (ritual cleaning)/Tachrichim (shrouds) Up until the funeral service a shomer (guard) will remain with the deceased at all times, reciting Prayers and Psalms. Furthermore, the body will be gently and carefully ritually washed (taharah) by the Chevra Kaddisha, a group devoted to the proper burial of the dead. Afterward, the deceased will be dressed in a tachrich, a plain linen or cotton burial shroud symbolizing that we are all equal in death and before God. A person can also be buried in their tallit (prayer shawl) after one of the fringes is cut to make it un-kosher.

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IV. The Funeral Service

In Hebrew, the name for the funeral itself is lviyah, meaning to accompany, affirming that as a community we have the sacred responsibility to escort our loved ones to their graves ourselves. There are several options to choose from for the location of a funeral service it can be conducted in the chapel of a funeral home or in a chapel at the cemetery itself. Others choose to have the entire service at the graveside. Jewish tradition encourages burial to take place as soon as possible after death. In the Torah, our ancestors Jacob, David and Job all tore their garments in reaction to the death of a loved one. Before the service begins, the funeral director or Rabbi will help the mourners perform kriah either tearing or ripping a piece of their own clothing (often a tie or shirt for a man, a blouse or scarf for a woman) that will be worn each day of the shiva period, excluding Shabbat. Some mourners prefer to wear a black ribbon instead of tearing their clothes. Either way, this tearing is a sign of grief and sadness, a metaphor for our hearts ripped apart by our loss. If the deceased is a parent, children wear the kriah on the upper left side of the chest closest to the heart. For the death of a spouse, sibling or child the kriah is worn on the upper right side of the chest. When making the tear we say the blessing Baruch Atah Adonai Eloheinu Melech Haolam Dayan Haemet Blessed are You God, Ruler of the Universe, the Righteous Judge, as a reaffirmation of faith in God at a time of sadness and loss.

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T H E F U N E R A L S E RV I C E
CONTINUED

Although there are minor modifications that each individual Clergy person institutes, the Jewish funeral service is quite meaningful and straightforward. It often begins with a Biblical Psalm that is read, chanted or sung, followed by the Rabbi offering a hesped, a eulogy paying tribute to the life of the deceased. Sometimes one or two members of the family or friends will also offer brief comments of praise. It is important to remember that the focus of the funeral tribute is to honor the persons life and memory in a praiseworthy way. Our tradition teaches acharei mot kedoshim emor we should only speak words of holiness of a person who has died. It is not a time to publicly express difficult internal family dynamics or to repeat embarrassing stories about the deceased. If the service takes place in a chapel, we conclude with the Memorial Prayer (Eil Malei Rachamim) affirming that the individual (named in Hebrew) will rest for eternity in Gods loving embrace. At this point, the 6-8 pall-bearers who are pre-designated by the family to accompany the casket to the grave are called forward to carry the casket either to the hearse or directly to the burial site. Pall-bearers are usually extended family members and friends, but not customarily immediate mourners such as parents, spouses, children or siblings.

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T H E F U N E R A L S E RV I C E
CONTINUED

The most traditional form of burial is directly in the ground as we are taught in the Book of Genesis 3:10 from dust you came and to dust you shall return. At the cemetery, burial Psalms and Memorial prayers are offered as the casket is lowered into the ground. Many cemeteries require the use of a vault to guard against the ground caving in over time. The vault or bottomless liner is made of concrete and is consistent with the requirement of Jewish law since concrete itself is considered karka or ground. Family and friends participate actively in the burial by placing hands or shovels full of earth over the casket in fulfillment of the mitzvah chesed shel emet. It is an act of loving kindness that can never be repaid by the deceased. As Jews, we take personal responsibility for the burial of loved ones, spreading a blanket of earth over them as they rest in eternal peace. Mourning (aveilut) officially begins with the initial recitation of the Mourners Kaddish (known as Kaddish Yatom or Orphans Kaddish). The Kaddish makes no mention of death, but rather, it is still another reaffirmation of faith in God at lifes most difficult and trying moments.

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V. Leaving the Cemetery and Mourning Customs

When leaving the cemetery it is customary to wash the hands with water (no soap and no blessing). This recalls the ancient ritual in Numbers 19 when our ancestors cleansed themselves after coming into contact with the dead. It acts as a symbolic purification of going from death back into life. Meal of Consolation (Sudat Havraah) After leaving the cemetery, the immediate family goes directly to the house of mourning. The neir nshama candle should be lit (it will burn throughout shiva, symbolizing that the deceaseds soul continues to burn in the hearts of loved ones, based on Proverbs 20:27). Mourners should partake in a meal (sudat havraah) provided by friends and neighbors. Traditionally, the meal includes round objects like hard boiled eggs and lentils, symbolizing the cycle of life as well as our belief in an afterlife (resurrection and immortality). This meal does not include symbols of joy such as wine or meat. Throughout shiva, meals should be provided by the community to be eaten by the mourners and not by those coming to pay a shiva visit.

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MOURNING CUSTOMS
CONTINUED

The House of Mourning Extended family and friends often return to the house of mouring following the funeral. They may also choose to visit during the day, or more specifically, to attend religious services in fulfillment of the mitzvah of Nechum Aveilim bringing comfort to the mourners. It is a good idea to avoid going too early in the day or during dinnertime if possible. When entering a house of mouring, visitors offer mourners the same words that concluded the cemetery interment: HaMakom Ynacheim Etchem Btoch Aveilei Tzion Virushalayim, or May God comfort you among the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem. After offering these brief words of consolation, we should stand silently and allow the mourner(s) to talk/shape the conversation. Having already had numerous conversations that day, perhaps they do or do not want to talk about the deceased. It is essential to remember that the house of mourning is not a joyful place and that the mourners should not be put in the position of having to entertain those who come to pay their respects. A visit should not be too long, as general socializing is frowned upon.

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MOURNING CUSTOMS
CONTINUED

Shiva The Torah teaches in Genesis 50:10 that when our forefather Jacob died, his children mourned him for seven days. Shiva, or seven, refers to the seven day period that begins with the cemetery burial. By way of example, if a burial is on Monday, shiva concludes the following Sunday morning after Shacharit (morning services). The day of burial, not the day of death, counts as the first day of shiva. During this time, it is customary to hold religious services in the home, coming to the synagogue only on Shabbat meaning Friday night (Mincha, Kabbalat Shabbat, Maariv), Saturday morning (Shacharit, Torah Reading, Musaf) and Saturday night (Mincha, Torah Reading, Maariv). When a Jewish holiday (Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, Sukkot, Pesach or Shavuot) begins in the days immediately following a burial, shiva may be truncated. Please check with the Rabbi in such a situation. During shiva, mourners abstain from work, marital relations, bathing (except for hygiene), using cosmetics, cutting the hair and wearing leather footwear. Mirrors are also covered because they are seen as a sign of vanity. Many mourners sit on low stools or remove cushions from the couches. Shiva ends on the morning of the seventh day. To conclude shiva, there is a tradition of walking around the block after services in order to symbolize a transition from the initial mourning period. It marks a re-entry into day-to-day life.

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MOURNING CUSTOMS
CONTINUED

Shloshim The Torah explains that when Aaron died (Numbers 20:29) the House of Israel bewailed Aaron for 30 days. And when Moses died (Deuteronomy 34:8) the Israelites bewailed Moses for 30 days. Shloshim, meaning thirty, refers to the thirty day period following interment. It marks the full period for mourning and saying Kaddish for spouses, children and siblings. It ends on the morning of the 30th day after the burial. During this period of 30 days, a mourner typically does not attend parties and avoids expressions of festive entertainment. It is also customary to refrain from wearing new clothing or cutting the hair. When mourning the death of a parent, restrictions remain in place for a full year while the Kaddish prayer is said for 11 months minus one day from burial. This is in keeping with a Kabbalistic (mystical) belief that we recite Kaddish for a whole year only for the most wicked individuals who are believed to need additional time for their soul to arrive in heaven.

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MOURNING CUSTOMS
CONTINUED

Minyan Following the conclusion of shiva where Kaddish has been said all week long in the House of Mourning, the recitation of Kaddish continues during the Shloshim period and over the course of the first year following burial. At this time, mourners are encouraged to come to the synagogue and participate in daily minyan. Twice a day, 365 days a year, we gather for morning services (Shacharit) and afternoon/evening services (Mincha/Maariv) where Kaddish is recited multiple times at Congregation Shaarey Zedek. The Daily Minyan is composed of congregants (some who are similarly saying Kaddish) who embrace mourners and help guide them through this difficult time with prayer and community so they never feel alone. Your Clergy encourage you to be part of the minyan and are happy to help you feel comfortable and welcome in this setting. Visiting the Cemetery / Unveiling Traditionally, the cemetery is not visited again until the conclusion of Shloshim. Oftentimes, within the first year the grave marker or tombstone (matzeivah) will be installed and dedicated in a ceremony known as an unveiling. If you plan to ask Clergy to officiate, please call both the synagogue and the cemetery to schedule the date and time.

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MOURNING CUSTOMS
CONTINUED

Yahrzeit Each year on the anniversary of the death, a yahrzeit candle is lit and Kaddish is recited at each of the three religious synagogue services Maariv (evening), Shacharit (morning) and Mincha (afternoon). At Congregation Shaarey Zedek, the yahrzeit names are read at each service throughout the day. Reminder letters are sent by the synagogue approximately one month prior to the yahrzeit. It is customary to make a contribution to a worthy cause in memory of the deceased. Yizkor Four times a year, Yizkor Memorial prayers are recited in the synagogue and a candle is lit at home in the evening as the new Jewish day begins. Yizkor is recited on Yom Kippur, Shemini Atzeret (end of Sukkot), eighth day of Pesach, and second day of Shavuot. At Congregation Shaarey Zedek, Memorial plaques are dedicated on Shemini Atzeret (end of Sukkot), and the eighth day of Pesach and may be purchased anytime throughout the year.

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VI. End-of-Life Decisions

Occasionally, in regard to a death, questions arise with regard to some other practices. Organ and Tissue Donation Organ and tissue donation is an acceptable Jewish practice and fulfills the mitzvah of pikuach nefesh, saving a life. Autopsy and Embalming Autopsies are only performed when required by the Federal or State Government, when a body is brought back from a death abroad, or when medical conditions require it. Embalming is prohibited by Jewish law and is only conducted when required by Federal or State law. Cremation Cremation is not the traditional form of Jewish burial because the body is meant to be returned directly into the ground in its fullness based on Genesis 3:10 From dust you came and to dust you shall return. While ground burial is always encouraged and remains preferable, Clover Hill Park Cemetery does maintain a cremains section for the burial of ashes. This decision is in recognition that oftentimes families are compelled to honor the wishes of a deceased loved one who wanted to be cremated. So too, it is still better for cremains to be returned to the ground than having them scattered in the wind.

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VII. Wishing You Comfort

Congregation Shaarey Zedek hosts bereavement groups throughout the year. If you would like to join one, please call the synagogue office and we will connect you to the groups facilitator. We truly hope this booklet on Jewish Mourning Practices has been helpful in guiding you meaningfully and thoughtfully through the Jewish rituals and observances associated with the death of a loved one. Of course, if we can be of any further help, or if questions remain, please contact us at any time. As you mourn the loss of your loved one during this time of reflection and memory, we wish you and your family peace and consolation. In the words of our sacred tradition, HaMakom Ynacheim Etchem Btoch Aveilei Tzion Virushalayim May God comfort you among the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.

Rabbi Joseph H. Krakoff August 2012Av 5772

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Notes

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Congregation Shaarey Zedek 27375 Bell Road Southfield, Michigan 48034 248.357.5544 www.shaareyzedek.org

2425 West Fourteen Mile Road, Birmingham, Michigan 48009 248.723.8884 www.cloverhillpark.org