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Perfecting Paragraphs

Perfecting Paragraphs Section Content Page 1 Introduction (Good samples) 2 Logic and Argumentation/Examples (Good samples) 3 Logic and Examples (poor samples) 4 Logic and Argumentation (poor samples) 5 Grammar Exercises 6 Grammar Marking Symbols [PARAGRAPH SAMPLES] Introduction, logic and argumentation, use of appropriate examples and grammar. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------1 THE INTRODUCTION The GP essay is an argumentation piece about one of the 12 issues Cambridge has laid out in Paper 1. The most important thing that must be done in the introduction is to introduce the issue and help the reader to understand what events we are arguing about, who is involved in this argument and why these parties are arguing. These will form your general statements WHO/WHAT/WHY + CONTEXT = GENERAL STATEMENTS Important contexts in which issues are often laid out: Context Defining Characteristics (women in, work life in) the 21st century

(censorship in, social relationships in, politics in) the Digital Age

(marriage/family in, beauty/looks) in our Modern society/cosmopolitan world

(relationships, globalization, transfer of knowledge in/ economics/power in) our technologically driven society

(work life, relationships) Fast paced society

today & the past are generic overarching terms that require you to make reference to some features of modern society and look back in history. Be careful what defining features you pick! You will realize that depending on SUBJECT (women, censorship), the characteristics and defining features of the context will change. Discuss only the relevant ones GENERAL STATEMENTS + THESIS = INTRODUCTION Thesis Statements: These sum up your stand and provide any acknowledgements if necessary Eg: While women today are still being discriminated in many aspects, this does not mean that there has not been any progress made in the push for equality. 1. Samples of Good Introductions 1.1 Introduction is straight-forward. Contextualizes and compares the key terms Question: The great nations have always acted like gangsters, and the small nations like prostitutes.(Stanley Kubrick). Discuss. Sample 1.1: Stanley Kubricks statement that great nations have always acted like gangsters, and the small nations like prostitutes prove to be a myopic perception. While it is true that certain nations, particularly the Superpowers like China and the USA can press for demands from the rest of the world by using their physical size, military might or control over key resources, they have also shown that they are able to reach compromises and respect other countrys rights. Likewise, although some developing or smaller nations

have given in and at times allowed themselves to be exploited by other nations, they have also fought against oppression and railed against injustice in order to retain their status as an independent nation. Good understanding of key terms act like gangsters and prostitutes Acknowledgments of great nations exploiting small nations and small nations selling out are made Considered other characteristics and practices of nations While thesis shows balance, scope of discussion is not well clarified. Suggestion: Give a brief overview of some of the key arguments for your stand 1.2 Introduction works around a quote then goes on to questions the value of knowing the past Question: Knowing the past hinders more than helps us. Do you agree? Sample 1.2: History is philosophy teaching by examples. It has been said that a knowledge of history and of the significant events that have occurred all through the years allows Mankind to gain insight into the human condition, which forms the basis of the study of philosophy. Many claim that a deep understanding of our past is able to aid us in the various aspects of our lives, whether explicitly or indirectly, yet detractors abound who believe that knowing our past and history serves to be more of a hindrance and a disadvantage. Indeed, this particular viewpoint can certainly hold true if one becomes too preoccupied with the past, refusing to break out of past patterns and relying on tried-andtested methods rather than to innovate or progress. However, I largely disagree with this particular notion, because in my opinion, historical events should not be simply dismissed for the sake of innovation. After all, inspiration can always be drawn from what has already transpired and time should not be wasted reinventing the wheel. History can hold valuable life lessons that can guide and aid mankind to craft new solutions, predict outcomes and achieve a better, more thorough understanding of themselves and the world around them. - Clear outline of key terms - Clear and balanced stand

- Acknowledgment of knowledge of the past hindering the future is made

- Considered purpose of knowing the past

1.3 Context for discussion is set in the introduction: Introduction celebrates the impact of the New Media Sample 1.3: The onset of the Internet birthed online forums and digital newspapers saw the rise of blogs and podcasts as alternative means of obtaining news and these are central to the information revolution that is sweeping the world. People have found many uses of the New Media to rapidly obtain or disseminate information and this switch to using the New Media has weakened the power of traditional forms of media like print newspapers and the use of radio broadcasts. While many regard the New Media as the path of the future, others still see it as merely a dressed-up version of is essentially, the same news being sent out using traditional methods. However, to say that the New Media is overrated would not necessarily be accurate, for it has proven itself to be a worthy contender in the business of information. It has given the ordinary person a louder voice, provided news about the world almost instantaneously, allowed for a greater diversity of views and broken down the barriers communication that have prevented people from two opposite ends of the world from communicating with each other on a daily basis. - Considered functions and value of the New Media

- Acknowledgment of the New Media being overrated is made -Thesis shows balance and scope

1.4 Introduction explains intolerance in context of the value of each individual in religion Question: We are intolerant of people who are different. Is this an accurate statement? Sample 1.4: It is common knowledge that every individual is different, and this statement rings especially true in monotheistic religions like Christianity, which believe that every individual has been gifted with a unique identity. Such religions posit that we should accept the differences in other people and appreciate the diversity that exists because it is God-given. Even in secular societies, particularly developed or liberal societies, the idea that diversity should be appreciated is promoted. However, when one looks deeper into all societies and religions, we find that this ideal is often not upheld or is not even promoted. Rather, we selectively appreciate what we believe is worth valuing, such as those whom we view superior to ourselves. As for those whom we deem inferior, more often than not we look down on them for not being able to conform to societal norms. Intolerance manifests into discriminatory action and the lines are drawn between people of different races, gender, age, and appearances. While I feel that there is truth in the fact that we are not always accepting of differences or of minorities among us but to claim that we are all intolerant of others would be a narrow-minded statement because not all of us put down others with blatant disregard. Further, most societies and states do not flagrantly promote intolerance and do punish any discriminatory acts. At the same time, we must also consider that there are many whom we look up to despite our differences. -Sets context by describing reasons why intolerance is not something widely promoted.

-Brief elaboration of intolerance Thesis is clear: Acknowledgement - while I feel/ Stand But to claim that is narrow minded Supports stand with general reasons.

2 LOGIC & ARGUMENTATION The key to logical paragraphs is to ensure that you are persuasive 1. This requires you to set out your argumentation, often easily achieved by a clear topic sentence (TS) 2. Subsequently, it is necessary to provide adequate REASONING and EXAMPLES to forward the argument as expressed in your TS. Avoid the pitfalls of arguing by example (one example does not make it true in all circumstances, and should this example no longer hold true, your entire argument collapses) and ensure you map out your logic systematically. Do not SKIP/JUMP steps in logic when you need to explain how X (event/concept) can lead to Y(outcome)! 2.1 Clear topic sentence that is adequately elaborated, and a link is made to address the question Question: The new media is overrated. Do you agree? Sample 2.1: The ordinary person who never used to be able to freely express his views to the public has now been given a prominent voice on issues affecting him, society and the rest of the world. It has become so much easier for a person to express what he or she is thinking through the new media with the simple touch of a button. The rising number of people using the new media for such purposes has coined new terms such as citizen journalism and online community. When the AWARE saga broke out in Singapore, online communities were engaged in heated debates on religion and homosexuality in Singapore. The new media was able to provide a platform for these people to express their opinions on these topics easily. The newspaper on the other hand could only provide news and updates on the issue and a moderated forum for people to share their views. The new media would not be overrated in this sense because it has been able to provide people with a more effective platform and communicative tool than what was previously available.

Question: Technology brings you great gifts with one hand and stabs you in the back with the other. Do you agree? Sample 2.2: On the other hand, genetic modification represents a major breach in morality for human beings. Stem cells, which bear the potential to develop into human fetuses, are expended by the thousands in bio-engineering research. We are in actual fact,

conducting a huge massacre, albeit indirectly. Bio-engineering thus signals an abandonment of traditional ethics and a definite diminishing of our collective conscience. It is evident that technology has given us the means to attain our dreams, at the cost of our human spirit. It has both empowered and weakened us. 2.3 Well developed, step-by-step argument that directly addresses the question Question: Knowing the past hinders more than helps us. To what extent do you agree? Sample 2.3: Knowing our past, in other cases also prevent us from moving forward. In many parts of the world, such as Asia, the Middle East and Africa, culture and history intertwine and often results in beliefs and traditions that are old-fashioned and warped. This can best be seen in the demeaning attitudes that society has towards women in developing countries, where there is an insidious cocktail of poverty, sexual abuse, child abuse and child marriages that prevent women from reaching that same level of equality as women have in developed countries. Warped ideas of female repression are so deeply entrenched in their culture and history that it creates a vicious cycle that women are not able to break out of. This tightly linked relationship between culture and history hence disallows the development of modern ideas of gender equality and feminism, and it proves how knowledge of our past can indeed prevent us from moving forward.

2.4 Well developed argument that is strengthened by appropriate examples Question: Knowing the past hinders more than helps us. To what extent do you agree? Sample 2.4: History may also impede our progress by generating a fear of making mistakes. People are conditioned to acknowledge mistakes done in the past and try to avoid committing similar mistakes. But many fail to check for its relevance hence they are unable to embrace radical ideas that may truly help our society progress. Atomic bombs used in World War II and leaks from nuclear power plants remind people of the devastating effects of nuclear energy. Thus people have reservations about using nuclear energy as a main power source, when such a clean form of energy could have helped tackle the problem of global warming by reducing carbon emissions from conventional fuels. At present, nuclear energy supplies only 20% of Americas electricity needs. In addition, agendas to protect the environment could be achieved quicker should more people accept the use of such energy. Sample 2.5: There are some instances when our past is seen as a hindrance to us, such as when it provides us with a false picture that disallows us from learning the important

lessons of our past. Japan, for example, is notoriously known for whitewashing its history textbooks which fail to mention Japans role in the Nanking massacre. In doing so, not only does it provide younger generations of Japanese with a fake image of Japans past, it prevents them from learning the necessary lessons behind the event, and may even result in them repeating the mistakes of the past generations. Furthermore, it is only behind rose-tinted glasses that they would be more oblivious to the gruesome and brutal actions that their forefathers had made, and this would force them to create a rosy picture of their past that has been concealed and based on lies.

3 USING EXAMPLES IN PARAGRAPHS Below are a series of paragraph samples with poor use of examples. 1. Examples are not always self explanatory they need to be elaborated upon and the link back to your argument should be made evident. 2. Examples also should be relevant, timely and should not be too shallow and pegged at an individual level. 3.1 Example is too shallow/microscopic and pegged at an individual level Question: Knowing the past hinders more than helps us. Do you agree? Sample 3.1: Knowing the past does not hinder us more than it helps us because the past allows us to learn from other peoples mistakes and this prevents us from repeating it. It is often said that we only learn how to work well through modeling after examples and this is extremely true because even the studying of subjects like math require students to work through examples in order to learn. The past also serves as a guide and it is only from knowing this past that we can improve ourselves. A simple example would be a student learning from her mistakes which she had made in the exams and from there, she can learn to avoid these pitfalls again. 3.2 Subsequent example does not link back to question. Long, roundabout paragraph with little links. Sample 3.2: In addition, another relevant example (of?) is that in 2009, US President Barack Obama called for a Buy American project in which he asked for all government sectors to buy only American made products such as equipment and goods in order to safeguard more than three million domestic jobs. However, this led to many protests from several countries like China and Russia because they realized such a move could be

detrimental to their own economy. They recalled the crisis decade in the 1960s where US protectionism resulted in many people in other parts of the world losing their jobs, From there, their disagreement and retaliation enlightened President Obama and helped to prevent another crisis decade. Therefore it can be seen that knowing the past (in this case who? The President? The foreign nations who protested against protectionism?) does not hinder us but helps us to prevent disastrous repercussions. 3.3 Example not explained in depth/ hypothetical examples when specifics are required to PROVE! Sample 3.3: However, knowing the past may not necessarily hinder us from progressing as there is much to learn from history, aiding us in planning for the future. We can learn from our past failures, and history teaches us not to repeat past mistakes. Realising where we went wrong earlier, we can now do things differently. For example, policies implemented [what did these policies achieve? VERY COMMON Sentence fragment!] If a policy implemented in a country was unsuccessful in the past, we learn from it and try other policies instead. Hence there are valuable lessons to be garnered from history. 3.4 Example not explained in depth. Unanswered questions Sample 3.4: Remembering certain events makes it harder for us to progress because of the memories that can leave scars on a nation. Bringing back unpleasant memories can evoke pain and collectively prevent a nation from moving on. This can thwart further development which prevents a country from progressing. Knowing the past can thus act as a barrier to progress, for example the Vietnam War. Many lives perished as a result of the conflict and if people choose to keep bringing up the Vietnam war, it will prevent them from moving on as a nation. This will cause them to remain frozen in time and thus, they will be unable to develop as a nation. Therefore if rehashing certain events will only impede future progress, the past should be left permanently behind.

What aspect of the war? Have people brought it up? How does it prevent? Explain! With what concrete evidence can you prove this? 3.5 Example does not further the topic sentence, is non-conclusive and sweeping. Question: The new media is overrated. Do you agree? Sample 3.5: Firstly the new media is overrated because it does not exert a large influence on people in the developing world as well as the developed world. For most people in developing countries, computers are a rare sight and people are not exposed to advanced technology. Hence the impact of the new media is insignificant to the population in such countries. For example, in India people are fighting for survival and work everyday in order to put food on the table. Children sometimes have to give up their education in order to help the family survive. From the way the poor in these developing nations eke out a living, this proves that the impact of the ne w media is certainly overrated. Topic sentence/argument Example used as reasoning

Hence wrongly used here since discussion is about the availability of technology rather than the impact/influence India is a large country and to generalize Indian people in this manner is unconvincing and vague. From the way the poor live is not conclusive. 3.6 Example is not conclusive does not necessarily prove argument Sample 3.6: Firstly the new media is overrated because it does not exert a large influence on people in the developing world as well as the developed world. For most people in developing countries, computers are a rare sight and people are not exposed to advanced technology. Hence the impact of the new media is insignificant to the population in such countries. For example, in India people are fighting for survival and work everyday in

order to put food on the table. Children sometimes have to give up their education in order to help the family survive. From the way the poor in these developing nations eke out a living, this proves that the impact of the ne w media is certainly overrated. Topic sentence/argument Example used as reasoning Hence wrongly used here since discussion is about the availability of technology rather than the impact/influence India is a large country and to generalize Indian people in this manner is unconvincing and vague. From the way the poor live is not conclusive.

3.7 Example does not prove the argument. Too limited in scale. Question: There is more evil than good in this world. Do you agree? Sample 3.7: In todays world, no matter how bleak it seems, there appears to be light at the end of the tunnel in the form of great leaders. The past has been filled with great leaders that brought change not just to their (WHICH?) country but to the world. Nelson Mandela was jailed for his protest against an apartheid system and his voice changed the way people thought about segregation and sought to end intolerance. The good that he brought to end such outright injustice is praiseworthy even though racism still exists today in South Africa. Truly this has shown that man can achieve and bring about good in this world. Provided example of good people who are bringing positive change to the world, rather than looking at the world as a whole. Failure to show the comparative more One person does not equate to an argument about there being more good in the world.

Student needs to provide an array of inspirational personalities who are subsequently influencing a generation to make dramatic and sweeping positive changes. Example scale must be BIGGER

3.8 Partially explained example, attribution/link back to topic sentence unclear Question: Technology brings us great gifts with one hand, and stabs us in the back with the other. Do you agree? Sample 3.8: Technology has enabled many religions to promote their beliefs and ideologies, but it has also created many problems for them. Religions all around the world, particularly the monotheistic religions of Islam, Christianity and Judaism have utilized the internet to spread their faiths. Call to prayers from Mecca are broadcast online, fiery sermons are captured and uploaded on GodTube, the religious version of YouTube and theological studies are being posted with lively discussion abounding on forums. The rise of the internet has allowed people to share and spread religious doctrine, yet with the rise of greater knowledge, more people are choosing to become atheists as they feel that there is no need for a god. (Why? The link between the rise of internet technology and increasing doubt cast on religion not shown! How does technology simultaneously tarnish religious doctrine? Are people using the internet to debunk religion? Are these views particularly vociferous online?) In a recent survey published by newsweek, there was an almost double the increase in percentage of Americans who believed that there is no need for a religion. This then counters the efforts of religious groups who use the internet to promote their faith to the masses. -Did not prove how technology has simultaneously harmed religions

-No explanation WHY/HOW increased use of technology/internet promotes atheistic beliefs.

Example started out well, but a wasted attempt since examples did not attribute harm back to technology.

4 POOR LOGIC AND ARGUMENTATION Below are a series of paragraph samples with poor argumentation. 1. Topic sentences need to clearly address and support the stand that was taken in the introduction. They will often provide a reason for your stand and serve to provide focus in your paragraphs 2. There must be a logical line of explanation that seeks to explain your argument. Do provide elaboration and explanation. 4.1 Paragraph is too brief and disjoined with misleading topic sentence Question: To what extent should governments be blamed for their nations poor? Sample 4.1: Social unrest is the next problem of these developing countries. Clashes between minority groups can damage property and cost human lives. The government may fail to curb social tension and sometimes even aggravate it. Many aspersions were cast on the government for the Rwandan genocide. The damage caused by the genocide was leviathan. Loss of thousands of human lives and damage was done to the countrys reputation. Topic sentence is misleading as it merely lists a problem. A glancing reference to the government without mention of blame or extent of it. Examples are also not made relevant to the question. 4.2 No clear topic sentence or concluding statement, mention of relevant material is cursory Sample 4.2: Being dependent on mostly agricultural produce, developing countries do not generate enough funds to start major projects to fuel progress. Education is seen as the hope for the countries as it brings knowledge to its citizens. Having knowledge is powerful as it enables citizens to compete at the international level, and help the country to shift from low-valued industries to high-valued ones. However, the governments are unable to set up a sound education system. The people in these countries received almost no education and only know how to look after their farms. The government also failed to change the mindset of its citizens who do not value the importance of sending their children to schools. Next in line is the absence of basic infrastructure and market systems to allow these countries to compete at the international level. Besides educating the labour force, the government must be able to create jobs for its labour force. A market base is very important to allow the industries to kick off. The governments in African countries failed to see the importance of all these. Besides having insufficient funds to carry out this complex process of alleviating the status of the poor, the government also

has corrupt officials in its ranks. No clear topic sentence. No mention of blame yet.

Cursory attribution of blame without explanation or elaboration.

How is this relevant?

The concluding statement bears no link to the beginning of the paragraph and appears to be a list of problems that does not address extent of blame. 4.3 Irrelevant topic sentence and explanations Question: Technology brings you great gifts with one hand and stabs you in the back with the other Comment. Sample 4.3 Technology has warned mankind about the possible destruction of the earth if nothing is done to save the environment and natural disasters have occurred to stop mankind right in the face of the misdeeds that they have done by the misuse of technology. For example, the rising temperature is an palpable phenomenon that every single person experiences and this depletion of the ozone layer is currently being worsened by the invention of more and more technological products that improve our lives and yet produce chloroflourocarbons which can further destroy the ozone layer. Data and statistics on the melting of the icebergs have not deterred many from their lavish and comfortable lifestyles. Even though man has also came up with technology hoping to solve the problem of environmental degradation such as wanting to grow back the ozone layer, the possibility of success is low. Topic sentence fails to address the metaphor of great gifts in the question. Even the mention of natural disasters has no relevance to technology.

This is the part that should be further expanded on. If we are aware, how then is it a stab in the back? Vague notion of technology that fails to show that it is a significant benefit.

4.4 Lapses in logic due to assumptions and lack of substantiation of topic sentence Question: The great nations have always acted like gangsters, and the small nations like prostitutes. (Stanley Kubrick) Discuss. Sample 4.4: There are also times when weaker nations do not behave as prostitutes. Singapore is a small country with almost no resources but yet has been able to survive without being under the rule of another country and has never been exploited by another country to reach where it is now. Through the coordinated actions of the government rather than the rule of another country, weaker countries need not resort to prostitute like traits. The lack of resources does not mean that a nation is weak. Elaboration and explanation needed here. Paragraph is way too brief to be convincing argumentatively.

5 GRAMMAR Common grammar errors include problems with 1. Subject verb agreement 2. Prepositions (on, between, inside, above) 3. Articles ( A society or the society or simply society?) 4. Ambiguous pronouns (he, she, they, it with no prior reference) 5. Sentence structure. 6. Fragments? Incomplete sentences? It is vital that these basic errors be systematically eliminated from your paragraphs. Common symbols used in marking are attached in a table behind. SAMPLES ERRORS

Sample 5.1 Missing or unnecessary articles (A) , prepositions (pp) However, not all the government intervention will benefit the people, only those that improve lives of the people. We need good government to make choices that would help citizens but not all the governments are capable in making the correct decision or create policies. Some governments may fail due to acts in corruption and incapable leadership. The government intervention may encroach into human rights and restrict the freedom. An example of this would be the childbirth issue of China. The one child policy is strictly implemented by the Chinese government such that they conduct frequent checks in households and failure to meet the requirements of the government may lead to forced abortions or heavy fines on the family. Thus, some government intervention in peoples lives may lead to repression. Sample 5.2 Wrong Word (W), fragmented sentences (FRAG), tense (T), subject-verb agreemen( SV), word form( WF), and expression (EXP) The improvements in technologies in the communications area has shown in many forms. Different types of communications, for example, the conventional type of phones and emails have now been replaced, although not totally, by the emergence of the multifunctioned phones and online instant message. This gives an even greater chance for people to interact and communicate with each other. In addition, the Internet also played a large part in improving the level of efficiency. We are able to get hold of the latest news or be able to find old archives of information just a click away. In this era where globalization has emerged as the main drive that drive the way, the greater mobility of people require the advantages of communications in which is brought about by technology. Sample 5.3 Tenses, prepositions, word form, incomplete sentences (IS), wrong word/conjunction errors However, if the government is strong enough to adopt appropriate policies to prevent themselves to be at the mercy of the stronger countries, the country would not suffer at the hands of others. Inappropriate policies suiting the needs of the people will lead to adverse effects for the economy. Different situation and country need different policies to cater to. The wrong policies implemented will not only not help to develop the country but also cause the citizens to suffer. During the crisis decades in the 1970s, the developing countries borrowed money from the World Bank and International Monetary Fund and they have to comply with the conditions which is to open up their economies. The weak domestic industries in these developing countries could not compete in the international

arena and closed down in the end leading to a fall in standard of living for the people. This shows that the wrong policy adopted will not only solve problems but make things worse. Communist leaders like Stalin adopted economic policies which include state-own enterprises. However, this lead to people not wanting to work as they feel that they are not rewarded for their hard work as all the money goes to the state and they feel that it is unfair to share the fruits of their labour with other lazy people. This cause Germany to not able to detach themselves from poverty. Gorbachev adopted perestroika which restructured the economy and allow self-ownership of properties and businesses, and glasnost which give people a chance to speak. However, the citizens were not used to the new policies and system and these policies backfire bringing the economy downwards even more. This shows that even the time which policies are implemented is also very crucial and inappropriate policies will ruin the economy. Thus the government should be responsible for the nations poor. Sample 5.4 subject-verb agreement, wrong/redundant word, articles, determiners (det), punctuation (p) and expression Technology do provide us with much benefits by allowing us to assess the internet easily. Internet which is an essential tool for us to be engaged with the situations and problems happening outside our country. Being worldwide, internet is able to give us up-to-date information and allow us to be filled in with more knowledge that is required for us as the world moves into a knowledge-based industry. Internet, not only provides us with knowledge, but also give us entertainment. We are able to gain access to YouTube to enjoy funny videos or dramas from different countries or Facebook to keep in contact with our friends or even communicate people from other countries. Online games are also available for us to be entertained and to take a break from our hectic schedule. All these has shown that technology indeed bring us much benefits. However, on the other hand, internet harms us because as internet provides us much benefits, we may be too engrossed in gaining access to those benefits which may results in us spending lesser time with our family. This is because when we are too interested in those benefits, we may be spending much time surfing the Net, instead of spending time with our family or friends. Sample 5.5 wrong word, sentence structure, expression, subject-verb agreement, tense The world is advancing everyday with new discovering and newly improved technology. We rely on these technology in our daily live so as to improve our efficient level. Although we are able to attain our goals of efficiency, there are also a negative side to the advantage that we gained. Thus, it is agreed to a large extent that technology may be a double-

edged sword. Sample 5.6 tense, preposition, punctuation, wrong word, subject- verb agreement Technology has enabled mankind to come up with new methods of production to meet our increasing demand for essential needs such as food and water. Take for instance the Green Revolution where people starts to use machines to aid them in their production for agricultural foodstuff. This thus lead to an increase in the total amount of food produced such as corn and wheat which helps to improve the problem with the shortage of food. Furthermore, technology also brings about an alternative method to produce drinkable water. An example would be the use of research and development to produce NEWater in Singapore. This is where mankinds is able to turn waste and polluted water into drinkable water. Moreover not only does technology has a great role to play to improve the need for water in Singapore, it also serves as a cushion for Singapore if ever our water supply is cut off. Hence technology do brings us benefits. Sample 5.7 Word form, verb form, parallelism, redundant/wrong word, punctuation and expression In conclusion, technology is a double-edged sword which brings about its advantage and disadvantafe due to its limitations. Whether technology serves to be beneficial or poses threats to us depends greatly on how we use it. Hence the existence of technology can never be taken for granted and its up to every individual to make technology into good use and at the same time not being reliant on it. Sample 5.8 Word form, verb form, tense, parallelism, missing word, redundant word, expression/translation Technology has proven to be a stab in the back but when it comes to technology advancement in communication, it is more like a great gift. Such gifts include the telephone and the internet. This tools of communication has brought the world closer together by connecting people from opposite ends of the globe. This tools allow people from different background and culture to know each other better and gain more knowledge about one another better. Communication technology has also aided in globalization and economic growth. The internet provides many online shopping websites making it more convenient for consumers and hence increase the sales of goods which can boost economy growth. Telephones have been used to talk about business plans and make investment possible too. Hence, technology has been proven to be a great gift.

Sample 5.9 subject-verb agreement, fragmented sentences, expression, wrong word, word form, parallelism, preposition, punctuation and spelling Other technological improvement are in the field of transportations. In comparison with the past, various means of transportation makes our life easier. Transportation have been improved to get better, faster, safer and comfortable. However, the price to pay for this is our environment. Pollution generated from those vehicles have been deteriorating our surroundings. Global warming, climate changes, temperature rises, extinctions of animals on plants, depletion of the ozone layers, etc. They have been happening and the situation have been getting worse and worse. Worse of all, its all come back to us. We are again the one who got harmed for it. Our health risks are at stakes because of the pollution. Our future generations can also be affected by our careless mistakes in the presents. It is all back to the human. Sample 5.10: expression/sentence structure, word form, punctuation, determiners, and ambiguous pronouns Improvement in telecommunication for instances. Inventions of those devices such as mobile phones, computers, etc. Mobile phones have been a very great helps to individuals. It makes life easier, as we can keep in touch with anyone we know and it operates fast. We can make any call and send messages anywhere, and anytime. It is very convenient for us. Nowadays, everyone own a mobile phone. However, it does bring us harms. Most people do not know about it or they know, but they might chose to ignore it. Scientists proved that radiation generated, can cause harms to human. The price for those convenient is our health. Moreover, it can possibly makes us lazy individuals too. We want everything to be fast. However, these technology is all manmade and there are imperfections. When messages or calls are failed to be attempted. We blame them. We sometimes get angry about it. It makes us ugly individuals. Ugly in our morale and attitude.

6. Marking Symbols Symbol Error S Spelling G Grammar SV Subject-Verb Agreement T Tense P Punctuation W Word Choice Wf Word form Cs Comma splice Environmental problems have worsened, however it is still not too late for the world to prevent a catastrophe. A Article AP Ambiguous pronoun The manager informed the employee that he would have to resign. P Pronoun agreement Each person should follow their dreams instead of being confined to social norms. Pp Preposition E Faulty expression and grammar. Need for re-expression IS Incomplete sentence R Redundant word/repetition In the more progressive countries, they place greater emphasis on gender equality. ro Run-On Environmental problems have worsened however it is still not too late for the world to prevent a catastrophe mod Modifier Since young, parents have taught their children specific gender roles Para Paralellism Many women want economic independence and to find love. ^ Omission

L? Link how is the idea or paragraph linked to the previous or next Excellent point / expression / vocabulary