A one-page guide to your romantic happiness.

By Stuart Heritage
Is this
a new Yes
Are you in a No
Are you
happy being Yes
relationship?
relationship? single?
Congratulations!
No Do you You are statistically
Yes have kids? No likely to die 15
Yes Do you years earlier than
Are you live
No your married
married? together? Where are
Yes friends
you looking
Are you
for love?
on the Cohabiting couples
rebound? are far more likely Yes How
to split up than their many?
married counterparts. Bars Online
What’s the point of 1 No
even continuing with
Many
Yes No this charade? Why are
Childless couples you
95% of all single?
No have a higher risk of
rebound
relationships fail Are they dying prematurely.
How long
within the first twins? On the plus side, you I’m
have you probably get to go
month. You might picky
been Yes on loads of cool
as well give together? holidays
up now
Your marriage is
automatically 1% The abundance of
Less more likely to end in choice on dating sites,
Is it accompanied by the
than divorce. Basically, Congratulations!
serious? shopping-style
5 years you may as well give Your child will
up now behappier than most selection process, has
Yes other kids. However, left you with unrealistic
Good. You’d rather expectations. Either
wait to get married everyone will hate
them when they learn to settle or
No than live in sin. Just No get a pet
like your parents. Your grow up
old, sad parents, who
stay together only out You have a 48% Only 9% of
of fear and routine. chance of getting divorced women and 2% of
Good job! before the oldest one turns men find love via
Then why are you 16, and their marriages are bar-hopping. You
even bothering? For more likely to end in divorce are doomed to
fun? Love isn’t fun as well. Essentially, this was die alone
you idiot. Go back more a colossal screw-up on
than Hooray,
and start again your part
5 years you’re a LAT (living apart
together) couple. You’re
keeping your relationship fresh
My
Have by refusing to compromise
profile
you met your independence.
Statistically you’re very happy, picture
the parents Your partner is Bit creepy,
but only because you have looks weird
ashamed of you. isn’t it?
No Bail while you You should a crippling fear
still have your definitely of intimacy
dignity split up
This is perfectly Change your
Yes
Yes Did you normal. They profile
get on No want the best for picture then.
their child. You’ll Jesus, this isn’t
probably be fine rocket science