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Run Your Family Like a Business - WSJ.com

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THESATURDAYESSAY

UpdatedFebruary10,2013,4:26a.m.ET

FamilyInc.
Anewgenerationofparentsistakingsolutionsfromtheworkplaceandtransferringthemtothehome.From accountabilitycheckliststobrandingsessions,theresultisaboldnewblueprintforhappyfamilies.
By BRUCE F EILER

ErinPatriceO'BrienforTheWallStreetJournal

MISSIONSTATEMENT|AtthecenteroftheKidderfamily's'beliefboard'isapledge'tocontributeour unique,Godgivengifts'toimprove'thelivesofothersandtheworld.'Italsolistsadozencorevalues, fromfaithtoknowledge.

At7p.m.onaSundayinHiddenSprings,Idaho,thesixmembersoftheStarrfamilyweresitting downtothehighlightoftheirweek:thefamilymeeting.TheStarrsareatypicalAmerican family,withtheirshareofeverydayfamilyissues.Davidisasoftwareengineer;hiswife,Eleanor, takescareoftheirfourchildren,ages10to15.OneofthechildrenhasAspergersyndrome, anotherADHD;onetutorsmathonthenearsideoftown;onepracticeslacrosseonthefarside. "Wewerelivingincompletechaos,"Eleanorsaid. Likemanyparents,theStarrsweretrappedbetween thesmoothrunninghouseholdtheyaspiredtohave andtheexhausting,earsplittingonetheyactuallylived

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in."Iwastryingthewhole'lovethemandeverything willworkout'philosophy,"shesaid,"butitwasn't working.'FortheloveofGod,'Ifinallysaid,'Ican't takethisanymore.'" WhattheStarrsdidnextwassurprising.Insteadof consultingrelativesorfriends,theylookedtoDavid's workplace.Theyturnedtoacuttingedgeprogram calledagiledevelopmentthathasrapidlyspreadfrom manufacturersinJapantostartupsinSiliconValley. It'sasystemofgroupdynamicsinwhichworkersare organizedintosmallteams,holddailyprogress sessionsandweeklyreviews. AsDavidexplained,"Havingweeklyfamilymeetings increasedcommunication,improvedproductivity, loweredstressandmadeeveryonemuchhappiertobe partofthefamilyteam." WhenmywifeandIadoptedtheagileblueprintinour ownhome,weeklyfamilymeetingswithourthen5 yearoldtwindaughtersquicklybecamethe centerpiecearoundwhichweorganizedourfamily. Themeetingstransformedourrelationshipswithour kidsandeachother.Andtheytookuplessthan20

Themodernworkplacehasdevelopedlotsof toolsforpromotingcooperationandteamwork, saysBruceFeiler,andwecanusethemathome too.Hediscusseshisnewbook,"TheSecretsof HappyFamilies,"withWSJWeekendReview editorGaryRosen.

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minutesaweek. Thepastfewyearshaveseenarapiderosionofthewallthatoncedividedworkandfamily.New technologiesallowbusyemployeestocheckinwithoneanotherduring"familytime"andallow busyparentstointeractwiththeirkidsduring"worktime."Butascloseasthetwoworldshave grown,they'verarelyexchangedideas.Parentshopingtoimprovetheirfamilieshavebeenstuck withstaletechniquesfromshrinks,selfhelpgurusandother"familyexperts."Meanwhile,in workplacesacrossAmerica,breakthroughideashaveemergedtomaketeamsrunmore smoothly. Anewgenerationofparentsisnowtakingsolutionsfromtheworkplaceandtransferringthem home.Fromaccountabilitycheckliststofamilybrandingsessions,fromtimeshiftingmealsto moreefficientconflictresolution,familiesarefinallyreapingthebenefitsofdecadesof groundbreakingresearchintogroupdynamics.Theresultisaboldnewblueprintforhappy families. Surveysshowthatbothparentsandchildrenliststress astheirNo.1concern.Achiefsourceofthatstressis Wanttoknowmoreaboutrunningyourfamily change.Justaskidsstopteething,theystartthrowing likeabusiness?Poseyourquestionsinthe comments,ortweetthemusing#happyfamilies. tantrums;justastheystopneedingustogivethema BruceFeilerwillprovideanswersonMonday. bath,theyneedourhelpdealingwithonlinehazing. NowonderpsychologistSalvadorMinuchinsaidthat themostimportantcharacteristicoffamiliesisbeing"rapidlyadaptable."Sohasanyonefigured outhow?
More

In1983,JeffSutherlandwasatechnologistinNewEnglandwhenhebegannoticinghow dysfunctionalsoftwaredevelopmentwas.Companiesfollowedthe"waterfallmodel,"inwhich
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executivesissuedambitiousordersthattheirharriedprogrammersstruggledtomeet.Most projectsfailed.Mr.Sutherlandsetouttodesignamoreagilesystem,inwhichideaswouldnot justflowdownfromthetopbutalsopercolateupfromthebottom.Today,agiledevelopmentis usedin100countriesandistransformingmanagementsuites. Inevitably,fansofagilestartedapplyingthetechniquestotheirfamilies."Ibegantoseealotof peopleusingagileathome,especiallywiththeirchildren,"Mr.Sutherlandtoldme.Blogs poppedup;manualswerepublished. Acentralplankisaccountability.Teamsuse"informationradiators"large,publicboardson whichpeoplemarktheirprogress.TheStarrs,forinstance,createdamorningchecklistof chores,whicheachchildisresponsiblefortickingoff.OnthemorningIvisited,Eleanordrank coffeeandinquiredabouttheday,whilethekidsfixedlunch,loadedthedishwasherandfedthe dog.WhenIprotestedthatmyowngirlswouldneverbesocompliant,shesaid,"That'swhatI thought.ItoldDavid,'Leaveyourworkoutofmykitchen.'ButIwaswrong." TheweekthatmywifeandIintroducedourownmorningchecklist,wecutparentalscreamingin half.Buttherealbreakthroughwasthefamilymeeting.FollowingtheleadoftheStarrsand others,weaskthreequestions,alladaptedfromagile:1)Whatwentwellinourfamilythis week?2)Whatdidn'tgowell?3)Whatwillweagreetoworkonthisweek?Everyoneoffers answers,thenwevoteontwoproblemareastofocuson. Threeyearslater,whathavewelearned?
TheBusinessofHappyFamilies

First,empowerthechildren.Thekeytothemeetings istoletthekidspicktheirownrewardsand punishments.OursgirlsturnouttobelittleStalins,so weoftenhavetodialthemback.Significantbrain researchreinforcesthisstrategy.Childrenwhoplan theirowntime,setweeklygoalsandevaluatetheir ownworkbecomemoreinternallydrivenandhave greaterselfcontrol.

Second,parentsaren'tinvincible.Ourinstinctas parentsistobuildourselvesup,butabundantresearch showsthatthistypeoftopdownleadershipisnotthe StephenWebster bestmodel.Effectiveteamsaren'tdominatedbya singleleader;allmemberscontribute.Weevenletthekidscriticizeus. Finally,buildinflexibility.Parentsoftencreateafewoverarchingrulesandsticktothem.This assumeswecananticipateeveryproblem.Wecan't.Theagilefamilyphilosophyembracesthe everchangingnatureoffamiliestodayandbuildsinasystemtoadapttoeachnewphase.

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Butifagileisgoodatmakingfamiliesmoreadaptable, whatabouttheflipside:teachingchildrencorevalues? Hereagain,asimpleideafromthebusinessworld offersparentsaclearpath.

DavidKidderisaserialentrepreneur,anauthorand thefatherofthreeboys."IfI'velearnedanythingbystartingfourcompanies,"hetoldme,"it's thatyoungcompaniestypicallyfailbecauseyouhaveacharismaticleaderwithabunchofbeliefs, butthosebeliefsdon'ttranslatetotherestoftheircompany."

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Mr.Kiddercreatedacompanyplaybook,witheverythingfromthepurposeoftheorganization tohowtorunmeetings."Whynotcreateasimilarplaybookformyfamily?"hewondered.The Kidderbeliefboardhasaonesentencemanifesto."Thepurposeofourlivesistocontributeour unique,Godgivengiftstohaveanextraordinarilypositiveimpactonthelivesofothersandthe world."Itthenlistsadozencorevalues,fromfaithtoknowledge. JimCollins,theauthorof"GoodtoGreat,"saysthatgreatorganizations"preservethecoreand stimulateprogress."Thesameappliestofamilies,hetoldme.Whileyouneedtokeep introducingnewideas,youalsoneedtoidentifythebedrockprinciplesyoubelievein.Oneway todothat,hesaid,istodowhatotherorganizationsdo:createamissionstatement. Mr.Collinscoachedmyfamilythroughcreatingamissionstatementofourown.Ineffect,we usedcontemporarybrandingtechniquestoidentifywhatismostimportanttous.Westarted withthefamilialequivalentofacorporateretreat,apajamapartywithourdaughters,during whichwevotedonalistofvalues.Nextweansweredquestionsaboutwhatwelikedmostabout ourfamily.Finallywesettledonalistof10coreaffirmations.("Wearetravelersnottourists," "Wedon'tlikedilemmas;welikesolutions.") Whatarethebenefitsofsuchastatement?Acentralfindingofrecentresearchisthatparents shouldspendlesstimeworryingaboutwhattheydowrongandmoretimefocusingonwhatthey doright.Thefamilymissionstatementisaclearwaytoarticulatewhatyourfamilydoesright.It alsocreatesatouchstone.Whenoneofourdaughtersgotintoaspatwithaclassmate,weasked herwhichofourcorevaluesseemedtoapply."Webringpeopletogether?"shesaid.Suddenly wehadawayintotheconversation. Igrewupinafamilybusiness.EverySaturdaymorning,Idrovewithmygrandfathertoaone storyofficebuildingwhereIlearnedtotype,fileandtakepayments.Butwhilethoseskillshave provenvaluabletome,IrealizedthatIwasn'tpassingthemontomykids. Studiesshowthatparentsdoalamejoboftalkingtotheirkidsaboutmoney,butthatdoesn't meanwe'renotimpartingourvalues.Ifkidsseetheirparentsworryingaboutmoneyorbeing materialistic,theydevelopsimilarfeelings.Iftheyseetheirparentsbeingresponsible,children learnthosehabitsaswell. Anewcropofentrepreneurialparentsistryingtorevolutionizehowfamilieshandlemoney. WebsiteslikeTykoonandFamZooaimtobring21stcenturytoolstothe19thcenturyinvention ofallowance.Theyofferpotsforsaving,spendingandgivingaway,alongwithartificiallyhigh interestrates. BillDwight,aformerOracleexecutiveandthefounderofFamZoo,saidthatthegoalisto promoteconversations."Financialliteracyisnot,'Doyouknowhowastockworks?'"hetold me."It'saboutunderstandingtheconceptofconstraints.I'veadvisedstartupsovertheyears, andonereasonthey'resoinnovativeisthey'reconstrained." FamilyfinancialadviserByronTrottagrees.HeisthemanagingpartnerofBDTCapital Partners,whichcounselsmanywealthyfamilies.WarrenBuffettcalledhim"theonlybankerI trust."Mr.Trotttoldmethatthecountry'stopbusinessmindsoftenfailatthesimplesttasks withtheirchildren.Hisadvice: 1)Showthemthemoney.Familiesdependtoomuchonosmosis,hesaid."Itoldoneofthe richestwomeninAmericarecentlythatshehadtotalkopenlywithherchildren.Shedidn'twant toburdenthemwiththetruth,butburdeningthemwithignoranceisreallymuchworse."
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2)Takeoffthetrainingwheels.Mr.Trottchidedmefornotallowingmychildrentomake mistakeswiththeirmoney."Butwhatiftheydriveintotheditch?"Isaid."It'sbettertobikeinto theditchwitha$6allowance,"hesaid,"thana$60,000salaryora$6millioninheritance." 3)Putthemtowork.Thoughthereisalotofvaguenessaboutkidsandmoney,theresearchis clearthatparttimejobsaregreatforkids."ThemostsuccessfuladultsIknowwereallinvolved inbusinessatayoungage,"Mr.Trottsaid."WarrenthinksI'msuccessfulbecauseIhadalawn mowingbusiness,aclothingstore.Ifyoureallywantyourdaughterstounderstandmoney,have themopenalemonadestand." Allfamilieshaveconflict.Theoneswhohandleitsmarteraremorelikelytosucceed.Conflict resolutiondidn'texistasafieldwhenDr.Spockreigned,butagenerationofscholarshas introducednewtechniquestoresolveshowdowns,fromnucleararmspactstogeneralstrikes. Thesetechniquesalsoturnouttohelpwhendecidingwhogetstowearthefuzzysocksthisweek. WilliamUry,cofounderofHarvard'sProgramonNegotiationandcoauthorof"GettingtoYes," toldmethatsincefamiliesarenolongertopdown,newruleshavetobebrokeredallthetime. "Oursisthefirstgenerationwherecontinuousnegotiationisthenorm,"hesaid. JoshWeiss,aprotgofMr.Ury,usesasimplifiedversionoftheHarvardblueprintfor resolvingconflictwithhisthreedaughters.Whenfightserupt,hecoacheshisdaughterstostep away,calmdownandthenreturnwithalternativesolutions. "Ibelievethesestrategiesmaybebettersuitedforafamilythanaworkplace,"Mr.Weisstold me.Whileintheworkplace,"youcanavoidconflict,"hesaid,"athome,youcan't.You'llendup gettingdivorcedorbecomingestrangedfromyourkids." Otherproblemsolvingtechniqueshonedincompaniescanalsohelpfamilies,especially extendedfamilies.Weadoptedafewinourfamilytoaddressquestionslikewhethermymom shouldbuylongtermhealthinsuranceandwheretoholdourfamilyreunion.Some counterintuitivetips: First,haveasmanypeopleinthediscussionaspossible.Theconventionalwisdomiswrong:Too fewcooksspoilthebroth.Abundantresearchhasshownthatgroups,especiallyiftheyinclude nonexperts,arebetteratmakingdecisionsthanindividuals. Second,votefirst,talklater.AsthepsychologistDanielKahnemanpointsoutin"ThinkingFast andSlow,"you'llreachasmarterconclusionifeveryoneexpressestheirviewsattheoutset, beforeanyonehasspoken.Otherwise,thosewhospeakfirstwillhavetoomuchinfluence. Finally,havetwowomenpresent.AnexecutiveatGoogletippedmeofftoa2010studyfrom researchersatCarnegieMellonandMITthatshowedthatgroupswithahigherproportionof femalesmakemoreeffectivedecision.Studiesofcorporateboardsandfederaljudgesconcur. Groupswithmorewomenaremoresensitivetoothersandreachcompromisemorequickly. Akeyfindingofpositivepsychologyisthathappinessdependsinlargemeasureonrelationships. Ourfamiliesareourprimaryrelationships,yetwespendalmostnotimetryingtoimprove them.AsEleanorStarrtoldmeinIdaho,"Youhaveyourjob,youworkonthat.Yourhaveyour garden,yourhobbies,youworkonthose.Yourfamilyrequiresjustasmuchwork,ifnotmore." Today,wehavemoreknowledgethaneverbeforetohelpmakethatworkeasier,muchofitfrom America'sleadingorganizations.Thetaskforparentsistofindtimetoimplementit.AsHarvard
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psychologistTalBenShaharwroteinhisbook"Happier":"Thereisoneeasystepto unhappinessdoingnothing."Theoppositealsoholds:Theeasiestpathtohappinessistodo something.Intheend,thismaybethemostenduringlessonofall.What'sthesecrettoahappy family? Try.

ThisessayisadaptedfromMr.Feiler'sbook,"TheSecretsofHappyFamilies:ImproveYourMornings,Rethink FamilyDinner,FightSmarter,GoOutandPlay,andMuchMore,"whichwillbepublishedonFeb.19.Hisprevious booksinclude"TheCouncilofDads"and"WalkingtheBible."

AversionofthisarticleappearedFebruary9,2013,onpageC1intheU.S.editionofTheWall StreetJournal,withtheheadline:FamilyInc..

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