Vatican horsemeat, political horseshit and the shame of melting snow dampcardigan

16/02/2013 20:45

dampcardigan
Vatican horsemeat, political horseshit and the shame of melting snow
Posted by Damp Cardigan on February 12, 2013 1 Comment

A midweek entry implies pressing developments. This is not entirely true and is probably due to having some time off work so, like a good and concerned British citizen, Ive paid more attention to the news than usual as the trappings of making sure Ive got enough money to fill my house full of shit I dont need get in the way the rest of the time. Time away from my job has presented me with the opportunity to gather information from news media as opposed to fourth hand, opinion loaded social networking sites. Well, apart from the weather that is. Live updates of whats happening in the rarely ventured outside world is now viewed as a public service and, inexplicably, NOT a futile exercise in making peoples lives seem more interesting. Horsemeat has been found everywhere this week. Seriously, in Burger King beef burgers, Tesco shelving, Findus Lasagnes, France, bananas and horses. Its a strange story that will enjoy its position as flavour of the week, literally, until the Daily Mail readers find another host for their inherent vileness or they remember that theyve been eating this way for years with no consequence. Their argument is that they were not told that horsemeat was present in the fast food, ready meals and other convenience foods they shovel into their fat faces daily to save precious twat time. However, this argument is invalid. They voted a Conservative Prime Minister into Parliament, lapping up every evil lie he spat out in the process without knowing what was in him. Ive looked and its not even as inviting as horsemeat, just horseshit with traces of Thatcher D.N.A. Were all eating his political Happy Meal but its only later, when weve discovered the foreign bodies that reside within, that complaints can be made. They cant complain though cause that would involve admitting they were at fault for once.
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Vatican horsemeat, political horseshit and the shame of melting snow dampcardigan

16/02/2013 20:45

Pope Benedict XVI handed in his notice this week and is the first general manager of the worlds oldest, organised crime syndicate to do so in 600 years. It seems abundantly clear that the horsemeat scandal that rocked the Daily Mail readers to their very core was the catalyst in this surprising turn of events. Who else on this planet could throw divine legislation behind the penetration of meat into places where it really shouldnt be? The position of Pope is supposed to be a life sentence where death certificate and P45 come hand in hand but this ones cashed in his early retirement package and parked his Pope Mobile in the Pope Cave for the last time (very nearly wrote something about things sliding down his Pope Pole then, few). His position of supernatural superiority will be gone forever and will live the rest of his days by his given name, John Ratzinger. Even his surname indicates an unholy union between animal and popular, fast food refreshment. The repercussions of this and the effects it will have on the modern world are mind bogglingly insignificant. Finding the wrong kind of meat in your meat pie has a greater and more immediate outcome. Those who have criticised Pope Benedict for being involved in the biggest child abuse cover up ever witnessed have immediately jumped on his decision as an admission of guilt. This bears the only significance afforded to a decision that seems like a public relations exercise to boost the tarnished image of an archaic corporation. A new Pope will be chosen now. However, I think in the spirit of promoting their evil organisation they should hold American style election campaigns. I would like nothing more than to see two, elderly, robed hypocrites debate each other on the subject of Catholicism if only to illuminate the inherent flaws in their prehistoric philosophies. A competition to see who knows the most about their imaginary friend would unlock a wealth of comedy and would definitely be the kind of television I would watch. Perhaps, in the modern world, it would make more sense for the public to decide. Why not hold a reality-television style contest to see which one is the most committed to the cause. We could call it Im a child of the Lord, get me some bulletproof transportation!!! If it went to deadlock, they could have a sermon-off where the judges, a Muslim cleric, a Rabbi and a Taoist Monk (to remain objective), pick who they want to send home to spend the rest of their careers preaching on cruise liners. These two stories will continue to amuse and bewilder for some weeks to come but may hopefully make way for something more essential. The issue is that it takes something as fantastically fucking stupid as the wrong meat in the wrong place to capture the imagination and resentment of the public who desperately needed something to talk about once all the snow had melted. I miss the snow, not because I particularly hold an affinity for dicking about in the cold but more because only the weather can keep Britains attention away from sympathising with villains. If only it snowed in Rome. Phil Watson Filed under Politics, Social Networking, News, Religion, Humour, Funny, Digital Media, Blogging, Writing, Journalism, Facebook Tagged with David Cameron, Facebook, News, Christianity, Batman, Funny, Humour, Blogging, The Conservative Party, Journalism, Reality Television, Writing, Snow, Weather, Pope Benedict XVI, John Ratzinger, Pope Benedict XVI
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Vatican horsemeat, political horseshit and the shame of melting snow dampcardigan

16/02/2013 20:45

resigns, Great Britain, Pope Mobile, The Catholic Church, Catholicism, I'm a celebrity, get me outta here

Comments
One Response to Vatican horsemeat, political horseshit and the shame of melting snow 1. gingerfightback says: February 12, 2013 at 1:16 pm (Edit) Alan Carr for Pope! Reply

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