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McLean-Smits 1 Avalon McLean-Smits How Digitally Mediated Relationships Fuel Narcissistic Behaviour In the 1960s, Marshal McLuhan suggested,

The new electronic interdependence recreates the world in the image of a global village (McLuhan 31). McLuhan was suggesting that electronic technologies would supersede time and space and allow information to travel across the globe and turn the world into, what he defined as a global village. In the year 2012, we have seen first hand how electronic technologies have made the world a much smaller community with YouTube videos that show us what is going on around the world, access to the worlds newspapers online, and instant updates on social networking sites like Twitter. Information gets passed around much faster and the power begins to transfer from a singular unit to the masses as large groups of people can use digital and electronic technologies to connect. A recent example can be seen when one looks at the riots in Egypt and Libya last year. If we understand that the world is now a global village, meeting new people should be much easier, just as social media sites, such as Facebook and Twitter, make it easier to keep in touch with friends. When people realized the Internets ability to bring people together, online-dating came into being. The theory behind onlinedating sites is that they bring all the fish in the sea into one barrel to make it easier to find love. The question explored in this paper is how

McLean-Smits 2 digital forums affect relationships and interactions between people. Since the world has become significantly smaller, it has been made easier for individuals to meet people they would never have had the chance of meeting otherwise. The Internet is now a social location where people can log onto different sites to meet new people. The stigmatism behind finding true love online is disappearing; it is not for the desperate any longer. As people get busier they are finding it harder to meet new people once they have settled into a career. In Canada, a study showed, from 1998 to 2005, the average work week in the active population increased from 44.6 to 46.3 hours, while leisure time decline from 31.5 hours to 29.5 hours and that by this same year, the working gender gap began to close as more men stayed at home longer and women increased time at work on average (Wightman 1). Even among youth online dating is becoming savvy. People in their twenties become tired of their group of friends and many jump online after a hard break-up to find true love, but the dating game has gone beyond just dating sites. More people are finding love and relationships through social networking and gaming. The anonymous nature of the technologies and programs involved in relationships that form through digital technologies make the level of emotional intimacy far greater than that of an in-person relationship, and this is changing the way relationships and intimacy traditionally work. At the same time, the fact that you do not have to be with other

McLean-Smits 3 humans to start, form, or maintain a relationship makes these relations a very solitary experience. Emphasis is placed on the presentation of the self through text and image. The reason communication technologies are attractive for forming relationships is because a fantasy can be created online and fantasy is more attractive than reality. What needs to be addressed is what affect this has on an individual. Each person has a healthy amount of narcissism; it is necessary for survival, but fantasy is a major part of the narcissists world (Namka). Since the online world allows for users to escape into a fantasy world of their choosing my question is: can digital forums fuel narcissistic behaviour? This paper will argue that because everything in this digital world is linked to self-portrayals, validation, a desire for someone to care for you through playing out fantasies and creating a fantasy world, then digital intimacy is in fact fueling egocentric and narcissistic behaviour. Defining Terms Just as the technologies change, the terms used when discussing the technology change. The differentiation between a relationship mediated digitally and one that takes place in person is often described as a computer-mediated relationship (CMR) versus a face-toface (F2F) relationship. The problem with these terms is that they are outdated and they provide misconceptions about how the relationships

McLean-Smits 4 work. With the advent of video messaging, F2F relationships can exist without participants ever having to meet in person while CMRs infer that the relationship takes place with only the aid of a computer. Academics and researchers have not been taking into account the possibility for relationships to exist in both realms, as well as existing digitally in terms that cannot be explained by this duality that has been created in the academic world. Relationships that start online do not always stay online, as well as the fact that computers are not the only medium through which these relationships can be mediated. In terms of egocentric and narcissistic behaviour, I will define it as a preoccupation with the self and their internal world. Lynne Namka, a psychologist, writes that people with narcissistic personality disorder have little or no empathy for others in addition to self-involved behaviour. For a person with narcissistic personality disorder, creating fantasies is a huge self defense mechanism (Namka). This is important because this paper will explore how fantasy manifests itself online and the role that fantasy plays in fueling narcissistic attitudes. It should be clarified that the online world does not conclusively produce narcissistic personality disorder in individuals. However, individuals do exhibit the behaviour and attitudes of someone with narcissistic personality disorder when engaging in intimacy digitally. The three mediums that will be examined in this paper when

McLean-Smits 5 looking at this theory are online-dating, location-based dating applications (LBDAs), and online gaming. Although online-dating is not a new phenomenon, LBDAs are new and have changed the face of online-dating by making the metaphorical sea of fish smaller. Locationbased services have been around for the past twenty years, but have only become common in the past decade through GPS-tracking and gaming and dating applications for cell phones. With the rise in popularity of location-based dating, online-dating sites began to produce their own apps to go along with their regular product. However, it is clear that the LBDAs function in a very different way and for a different reason than online-dating does. In addition, a forum that has been around for a while is online gaming, specifically role-playing games (RPGs) and social gaming on sites like Facebook by companies like Zynga or PopGames. Massively multiplayer online role-playing games will be included in the RPG category. In any case, all these games allow for players to interact with each other while playing. It seems like an odd choice to include online gaming into a discussion about digital intimacy, especially since the stereotype is that just young, nerdy, prepubescent boys game, but this is not a reality as will be discussed later. Research has produced information about interactions between gamers and gamers relationship to their avatars (the character a user creates that represents oneself in the game). In fact, very recently, studies have

McLean-Smits 6 shown how effective gaming is at creating relationships between users that span beyond the gaming realm (OnlineUniversity.net). This paper will bring these three mediums together to discuss how they create emotional connections that fuel egocentric and narcissistic behaviours. The three have been chosen because they all involve participants meeting first online with the chance of meeting in person at a later date. The term used to refer to these relationships will be: digitally mediated relationship (DMR). I will use online-dating as a base comparison for gaming and LBDA because it was the first standard for DMRs and most of the research concerns and is geared towards online-dating. I will extrapolate these findings onto gaming and LBDA and use supplementary research on those topics. This paper will start by doing a more in depth differentiation between the three mediums followed by a focus on why and how DMRs are appealing. Then there will be a section expressing how intimacy functions in a DMR. The common thread throughout the paper will be the discussion as to why and how DMRs fuel narcissistic and egocentric behaviour in its users and the paper will conclude with a discussion of what this means for the future. The Differences The major differences between these three DMR technologies are in how they are used. Online-dating sites are used to find prospective

McLean-Smits 7 dating partners while LBDA have become more of a tool to find a onenight stand, even for the ones put out by online-dating companies (Friedman). On the other hand, the people who play RPGs like Second Life or World of Warcraft or who social game, their first intention is not to find a relationship or a one-night stand but to play games in a fantasy world. So, why does gaming become a main player in a discussion of DMRs? The games do facilitate interactions with other players, but also, games like World of Warcraft, facilitate more relationships than an online-dating site does. According to an infographic by OnlineUniversity.net, 74.7% of [World of Warcraft] players are dating someone else who plays the game [while] only 33% of dating site users are dating someone from that site. The most popular online-dating sites have about 20 million active users worldwide and LBDAs have a total of one to two million users while the most popular online game, World of Warcraft boasts about twelve million users worldwide (Revis & OnlineUniversity.net). Although popular dating sites have 20 million active users, in the US, it is closer to 1.5 million, but people are not going to take someone into account as a partner if they do not live near them or if they are not in the neighbourhood so the pool of potential dates shrinks again. Whereas in gaming, location is not an issue when chatting with other players. According to OnlineUniversity.net, 75.7% of World of Warcraft players dating one another, they traveled over one hundred miles in order to

McLean-Smits 8 meet each other. What does this mean for online-dating and what does it say about human interactions online? Rejection in online-dating is often glazed over or ignored. The fact of the matter is that the online dating is worth millions of dollars (OnlineUniversity.net) and in Rhodri Marsdens article for The Independent, she notes that in 2009 on Match.com 58, 500 people found a partner on the site over a 12-month period and that in 2008, through eHarmony, 236 members get married every day in the US alone. The problem with these numbers is that they fail to put into perspective the number of rejections, or as Marsden refers to them, the 286, 000 unlucky ones. Rejection is occurring more often than marriages or successful relationships are on these sites so why do people continue to put themselves out there and use online-dating services? Why does gaming produce such a high amount of interplayer relationships? How do LBDAs create a hook up culture? The interpretation that will be put forth in this paper is that using an onlinedating site is more to spend time with ones ideal self with an attempt to get others to notice you and reaffirm what one sees in themselves. Gaming produces a positive number of relationships because the social interactions closely mimic real-life interactions with the added benefits of being online and the appeal of a fantasy world. Looking back at LBDAs, these applications are only used when

McLean-Smits 9 one is already out in a social setting. The behaviour mimics what one would do if they were trying to pick someone up when they were at a bar, the gym, or the grocery store so the social context does not call for any sort of commitment and they have the added benefit of not being rejected face-to-face. The founder of LBDA like Grindr (homosexually geared) and Blendr (heterosexually geared) attempts to market the app as a friend-finding engine not just finding someone to go on a date with. Rupert Neate quotes him as saying that the apps are a community based on interests, which implies that you find someone with the same interests as you and you message them to hang out. The gender-based differences in these mediums are also interesting and can tell us a lot about DMRs. In online-dating a high percentage of users are women, although the ratio of men to women does differ quite a bit from site to site (thetruthaboutonlinedating.com). For example, toyboywarehouse.com, a site dedicated to younger men looking for older women, where 70% of users are male (McVeigh). But in LBDA, the statistics are not quite as clear. It is only very recently that heterosexual versions have become popular. The first app of the two, Grindr, was launched in 2009 with over 2.6 million users (single gay men) worldwide. Many writers discussing the new phenomenon of LBDAs agree that women, on the whole, even if they are interested in a one-night stand, are not as open

McLean-Smits 10 to expressing their sexual availability on their profile. For this reason, among many other factors, the app does not seem to be thriving as much in the heterosexual community. In the world of gaming, the statistics are changing each year. In a ScienceDaily article, they noted that the Stanford University School of Medicines study presented information suggesting that males are more likely to get addicted to video games than women and the reward center of the brain is way more active than in women while playing. It also suggested that men are more likely to play aggressive territorial games, while other studies suggest, women [] are more likely to play games with a social element or that test their brain power (dailymail.co.uk). In a Pop Cap Social Gaming research study from 2010, in accordance with the previously stated fact, they found that there were slightly higher female than male players. The stereotype that more men play than woman is disappearing. According to Tamsin Osborne, female players now make up about 40% of the gaming population and this is important because it means that there is becoming a more even representation of gender in the gaming world. With games like World of Warcraft, it involves social and strategic aspects that can appeal to the female player and aggressive, territorial aspects that appeal to the male player. In a game like Second Life, a persons ultimate fantasies can be played out which makes it appealing to both genders.

McLean-Smits 11 In terms of marital status of gamers, on World of Warcraft, 14.9% of players are single (OnlineUniversity.net), while 44% of Americans and 51% of UK citizens who identified as social game player were also single (PopGames). The age range is also interesting. According to OnlineUniversity.net, the median age of online daters is forty-eight and for online gamers it is thirty-two while PopGames records the average age of social gamers at forty-three years old. The world of DMRs does seem to attract an older crowd, but the numbers seem to change quite regularly. The Appeal Technology has made it so that starting and maintaining relationships is easier. The main motivators for turning to online-dating sites are because of busier lives; they may not be meeting new people in their current situation; it is convenient, and low cost. However, there is a huge appeal once a person is online. The main players are: anonymity, impression management, timing and communication codes, and reduced social cues. As I go through these topics I will string together the idea that due to the fact that being online is inherently a solitary activity, one spends a lot of time in their own fantasy world and this produces narcissistic behaviour. Anonymity In general, the online world affords whatever level anonymity one

McLean-Smits 12 desires. When online, one can reveal as much or as little about oneself as they would like. This aspect of anonymity makes users feel safe, less vulnerable, and gives a user privacy and control over their information. In Catherine Dwyers study participants said that maintaining privacy about the information they share was their responsibility, the ability to disconnect or become anonymous may lessen privacy concerns (9). Some sites provide more or less space for anonymity. In addition, if no one knows who you are then they cannot judge you and this relief makes users more comfortable, especially in social interactions online whether it is in online dating or when people chat in online gaming communities. I will touch on this again in a discussion of reduced social cues. With this anonymity, a person can reinvent his or herself. They can be a man, a woman, old, or young. Usually this reinvention reflects an individuals ideal self, and this will lead us into a discussion of impression management. However, the problem with anonymity is that it leads to feelings of inhibition and people feel that they have less responsibility over their actions. This is why it is easier to reject online, why people feel that they can write mean messages or comments on peoples profiles or in chat rooms. Impression Management Impression management, or the presentation of self, happens online in any format where one has to create an identity. It happens when a person creates a profile, participates in a conversation in a

McLean-Smits 13 DMR, just leaves a comment somewhere online, or when they create an avatar for an RPG. Impression management is the management of how a person presents his or herself. It is what a person chooses to include or not include in a profile. When a person chooses to reinvent his or herself, that is considered impression management fueled by the anonymity that the digital world provides. Catherine Dwyer defines impression management as the goal-directed conscious or unconscious attempt to influence others perceptions about a person, object or event by controlling or managing the exchange of information in social interaction (2). In online-dating, self-presentation is certainly controlled in an attempt to get a date. A persons dating profile is supposed to provide background information on a user so that interested parties can see if they would like to pursue them. One interesting distinction made in the LBDA world is the distinction between Grindr and Blendr. The Grindr app hosted the exchange of over 450, 000 photos between users daily by late 2011 (Neate). The amount of photos being exchanged is important because it differs from the (mainly) heterosexual version, Blendr, where Neate points out that users have to fill in way more information about their hobbies or interests than on the homosexually geared version where being gay, according to founder Joel Simkhai, is enough of an interest. Therefore it seems that any website dedicated to creating relationships, friendly or romantic, purports the notion that it is important that people have

McLean-Smits 14 compatible interests in order to be friends, or that they find each other attractive. For this reason, users formulate responses that they think other people will want them to have. As a participant in Dwyers study points out, You cant just completely be yourself, you have to play the game, and have some sort of cool factor [so that] people are interested in speaking to you (4). The cool factor that this participant refers to stems out of what an individual thinks is cool and they make adjustments to what they perceive needs it in order to present a version of them self that others will want to interact with. In Managing Impressions Online, the authors suggest that there are, in fact, three versions of the self: the actual self, the ideal self, and the ought self (418). There are some theories that people are more likely to be closer to their actual self (performing the attributes an individual actually and naturally possesses) online because they feel uninhibited by the comfort that the online world affords them, but also because there is the notion in online-dating and LBDA that you will have to meet in real life and the cover will be blown. Although, the argument is made by Ellison, Heino, and Gibbs that online people can present aspects of themselves that they wanted to express but felt unable to and they can do so because of anonymity (418). However, studies show that people tend to perform their ideal and ought self (how they would ideally be and how they think they ought to be respectively) when interacting in an online-dating setting.

McLean-Smits 15 TheTruthAboutOnlineDating.com reveals, 30% of men admit to lying in their dating profile about very basic information including age, marital status, family, education, or occupation. Even an early study from 2006 presented findings that 86% of one online dating sites participants felt others misrepresented their physical appearance (Ellison et al 419). In the same paper, participants described how they or others created profiles that reflected an ideal as opposed to actual self (426), they discussed instances where people said that they participated in activities that they did not in an attempt to prove that they were a certain way. One participant describes a time when he has come across a person presenting their ideal self: Sometimes I have communicated with someone who has presented themselves in the same way [as him], but then it turns out they like scuba diving but they havent done it for 10 years, they like hiking but they do it once every second year I think they may not have tried to lie; they just have perceived themselves differently because they write about the person they want to be In their profile they write about their dreams as if they are reality (426). For the participants engaging in this deception, it is true that they probably do not feel that they are lying, they just want to be the

McLean-Smits 16 person they think that people will want to engage with.

This leads to a discussion about how people actually manage the presentation of self. In a profile where a person can post a picture of his or herself, time is taken to choose one that will present an image that the individual wants to give off. Some people choose have a posed photo; others may pick one where they are dressed up, casual, where one can tell that they are a traveler or athletic. This is where vanity comes in. Impression management fuels vanity, another narcissistic behaviour, because users spend time simply looking at pictures of themselves and picking the one that shows them off the best. Picking interests is also important because online-dating has created this concept that in order to be compatible you have to like the same things. As Rhodri Marsden points out in The Truth About Internet Dating, there is an incredible uniformity: Everyone loves traveling [] Men are singularly obsessed with skiing. All of us love to curl up on the sofa with a bottle of wine and a DVD. Presentation of self in the online-dating and LBDA world reflects simply what the general public thinks everyone wants in a partner. For me, this is why a man contacting 100 women can expect 1 reply back but 42% of women gamers find themselves attracted to another player (OnlineUniversity.com). In real life, people looking for a relationship do not approach a stranger, ask them for a list of hobbies and interests

McLean-Smits 17 and then dismiss them or ask them to go on a date. While gaming, because the goal of the site is to game and not to form relationships, it mimics more realistically than an online-dating site or a LBDA how people meet and form relationships. People who join the game already have a common interest and can participate in the game together. Because the pressure of trying to find a partner is not there and they have an avatar that can play out their fantasies for them, they may not feel the need to perform an identity when communicating with other gamers they are interested in or have friendships with. How is impression management linked to fantasy and narcissistic tendencies? In Zhao, Grasmuck, and Martins article Identity Construction on Facebook: Digital Empowerment in Anchored Relationships they note: Online role-playing, as the phenomenon has come to be known, can be an empowering process. Research has shown that the removal of physical gating features (stigmatized appearance, stuttering, shyness, etc.) enables certain disadvantaged people to bypass the usual obstacles that prevent them from constructing desired identities in face-to-face settings (1818). In RPGs like Second Life, people can create their fantasy world. This world can be liberating to someone who, for example, cannot walk

McLean-Smits 18 anymore, or who has trouble socializing. In the game an individual can overcome anything that was previously debilitating to them, while in online-dating an individual can perform the idealized version of his or herself so that they will be liked by others, but also so that they like themselves. However, people who have narcissistic behaviour [live] in a fantasy world where all their needs are met and unrealistic expectations take the place of life. They become involved in material things, vanity, and are shallow developing excessive life long interest in things that are not real such as movies, rock stars, soap operas and video games and they do this to protect their self-esteem and their emotions (Namka). DMRs mimic the Fanstay Island syndrome that people with narcissistic behaviours implement. Online-dating creates the idea that there is a match for each individual, which makes each member feel special. By filling out questionnaires and having the site generate potential matches that would be great for you implants the notion that each individual on the site is special and unique. This thinking of I am special is a very basic trait of narcissistic behaviour, but the irony is that in online dating, an individual is not special or unique because each member is trying to commodify themselves to the masses based on what they think they ought to be like and what they would ideally be like. As quoted in Managing Impressions Online, They struggled to present themselves as unique individuals within the constraints of a

McLean-Smits 19 technical system that encouraged homogeneity, negotiating a desire to stand out with the need to blend in (Ellison et al 433) and this exemplifies this idea of needing to be liked by everyone, but thinking that he or she is superior to others. Most people would hope that once they have created the ultimate profile, a flood of men or women should be sending them messages, but they are more often than not rejected, or not replied to. Meanwhile, the same individual is rejecting other members of the site who have also created their own ultimate profile. Timing and Communication Another important aspect of DMRs when analyzing them, and also when in one, is the aspect of time and its relationship to communication. The most important quality to note is the asynchronous quality of DMRs. With the exception of video chatting, all communications are done through message sending, be it text message, direct message, e-mail, or even instant messages and they all have the asynchronous quality meaning that the communication is not happening at the same time. This is appealing on many levels. It affords each individual involved the conversation the ability to respond whenever they want, or whenever it is convenient. Because of this, an individual has the time to reread messages, edit their own messages, and formulate their thoughts about the conversation, what they are going to say, or where the conversation is going. In terms of communication, this means that everything is constructed carefully.

McLean-Smits 20 There does not have to be any spontaneity in a DMR, which means that regret and embarrassment are also limited. This is important because regret and embarrassment cause many people social anxiety. The fear of someone not understanding your joke, of seeing you trip, or having mustard on your face, can cause many people anxiety and this can be eliminated when you cannot be seen and when you have the time to research your response. In addition, messages can be saved which can bring feelings of nostalgia. At any point, a person can return to an old saved message and replay the conversation. What happens when people replay these conversations is linked to the idea of there being reduced social cues in the digital world. Reduced Social Cues What happens when a person reads a message for the first time, or rereads it at a later date, is something that John Suler calls transference (The Final Showdown). Due to the lack of in person contact, social cues become reduced. In a face-to-face or in person conversation, people pick up on things like the tone of voice, reactions, eye contact, and body language. These cues tell an individual a lot about the situation. A person can pick up on nervousness, confidence, interest, etc from anyone of these cues, but these cues are missing in text communication. Although, a few recent studies have shown that in RPGs, players control their avatars in similar ways to how they would conduct themselves in real life, for example, keeping more distance

McLean-Smits 21 between your avatar and one you do not like (Yee, Bailenson & Urbanek). What happens online is that people pick up on items that exist uniquely in the online world in order to make inferences about them and use these other aspects of online-dating of LBDAs as social cues. In terms of replacing the cue of tone, people tend to input their own ideas about the tone that the person is using. They create a voice for the person in their head: this is transference. Transference happens when a person reads a textual message and they project their own expectations, wishes, anxieties, and fears into what the person wrote (Suler). Namka points out that projecting anxieties onto others is a common defense mechanism of those with narcissistic behaviour. If a person wants to be liked, they will read messages in a way that suits them. If a person does not respond enough or writes short answers, this same person could conclude that the person is shy as opposed to being distant because they are not interested. This is a narcissistic attitude because it preserves the fantasy that everything is all right to which Namka says, They deny and rationalize their own contribution to the problems to preserve their own internal fantasy of being all good and right. They rationalize the simple answers for their own purposes because it would be impossible for someone to not actually be interested in them in their fantasy world. Transference can become a defense mechanism to protect ones self-esteem, just as projection does for those with narcissistic behaviour and attitudes.

McLean-Smits 22 Usernames and email addresses also become social cues (Ellison et al 420). This is linked to impression management. People will make user names with a year in it to denote their age; the number 69 in an email or username will elicit a sexual connotation. Alternatively, names that have adjectives in them like, boho-babe or fit&fabulou5 can muster up images in someones mind about the type of person that the user is. It is clear that both these adaptive social cues require fantasy and imagination. Some things that may seem obscure to look at can also play an important role in making inferences about someone. The timing of messages being sent is huge. If people are sending messages out to people on a Friday night, it can give the impression that they do not have a social life. Messages that are sent around times when people are at a bar or very late at night asking to hang out are usually interpreted to be booty-calls. This is a main reason why LBDA get nicknamed hook-up apps. The messaging is usually done when people are out at a bar and looking for someone to go home with. These are factors that people pick up on and make inferences about when the presentation of the typical social cues are gone. This topic is closely linked to impression management because individuals judge and manage their own profiles and behaviour based on how they look at other individuals profiles for information. The effect that reduced social cues have in a DMR is that it also

McLean-Smits 23 reduces awkwardness. An individual has to worry less about making a good first impression because there is less to go on. They do not have to be concerned about what they are wearing or how they sound. As Dwyer points out, DMRs allow relationships to develop based on interaction rather than personal appearance (7) and this is because of reduced social cues. This explains why people with social anxieties feel more comfortable in an online setting. They can be anonymous, they do not have to be judged, they can be whomever they want, and they can actually interact with other people and not get anxious. When the communication is based more on interaction then on appearance, people get further in discussions then they might in person. What these reduced social cues do is facilitate the ability to be more intimate. In some senses, it forces individuals to be more intimate because it is the only way to get to know someone online. John Suler in The Final Showdown states, Text relationships tend to result in what's called the online disinhibition effect. Because they cant be seen or heard, people may open up and say things that they normally wouldn't say in-person and this creates emotional intimacy, because real physical intimacy cannot be facilitated in the online world. I emphasize real because a variety of online games, people can make their avatars have sexual intercourse. This would be considered a product of emotional intimacy and can fuel more emotional intimacy because the notions behind the act can stir up

McLean-Smits 24 feelings for the other user. So how does intimacy function in a digital setting? Digital Intimacy Ellison, Heino, and Gibbs describe intimacy as being linked to feeling understood by ones partner (417). There has to be a mutual understanding and in order to have this there needs to be mutual selfdisclosure. Ellison, Heino, and Gibbs continues to say, if participants aspire to an intimate relationship, their desire to feel understood by their partners will motivate self-disclosures that are open and honest as opposed to deceptive (417). OnlineUniveristy.net states the figure that, 40% of players tell fellow gamers things they wouldnt tell their friends which is because people feel uninhibited online due to the anonymous nature, the textual medium of communication, and the reduced social cues. When they want intimacy with someone they will feel more comfortable disclosing honestly than in-person. But, Scott, Mottarella, and Lavooy in Does Virtual Intimacy Exist? discovered that DMRs do not produce higher levels of intimacy than in person relationships although they do produce deep emotional intimacy (760). In Van Manens The Pedagogy of Momus Technologies, he puts forth the concept that [it] is also possible that the feeling of online intimacy is an intimacy with the self: a kind of reflexive sphere of intimacy (1028). This theory exists because of the realities of onlinedating. The online-dating world, as discussed earlier, presents the idea

McLean-Smits 25 that two people must be alike to be compatible, so if an individual finally makes contact with a person who appears to be very much similar to them and then they want to be understood by that person, they are effectively creating an intimacy with them self. It creates the idea that nobody understands you but yourself, but also that you are superior to other people because you should not have to interact with people who do not share similar interests with you. However, in reality, this happens all the time. People have discussions in order to get to know each other before deciding to make more of an effort at a friendship. In contrast with LBDAs, intimacy does not really have a chance to flourish. The apps exist to assist in the introduction of people to each other in the same area. Although a messaging system does exist it is for inquiring about meeting up, getting to know the other person happens face-to-face. People will make their decision based on the people closest to them and what is in their profile. Compared to online-dating, emotional intimacy between players in gaming progresses in a slightly different way. Players are not chatting with other players with the intention of starting a romantic relationship so their conversations are to get to know each other first before they begin to take interest. In a study by Whitchurch, Wilson and Gilbert, they found that participants who were uncertain about how someone felt about them were more attracted to the men than the women in either of the other groups who knew whether or not the

McLean-Smits 26 men were interested in them (Blackburne). This is not to say that selfdisclosure does not exist between gamers. Gamers still have to disclose information about each other in order to have a conversation of depth and create an understanding between each other and then a relationship can form more organically. The major difference is that it does not have the pressure of a guarantee that an individual needs to find love. Although the intimacy in gaming does not necessarily fuel a narcissistic self-love, many of the games, specifically RPGs, fuel fantasy that creates narcissistic attitudes. An example that is relevant to this case is that of Mr. Hoogestraat. Alexandra Alter recollects the life of Ric Hoogestraat: a 53 year-old man with a Second Life account. In his real-life he is in a second marriage, he has adult children, debilitating diabetes, and a job at a call-centre despite his multiple degrees. On Second Life, he creates his ideal life where he looks younger, owns his multiple establishments, and is married (in the game) to another player who bought him an island as a gift at one point. Mrs. Hoogestraat tells Alter that [she] can see how it fulfills parts of his life that he can no longer do because of physical limitations, because of his age. His avatar, its him at 25. Mr. Hoogestraat, and other players spend hours at a time on the site living in their second life as opposed to their real one. Alter quotes Hoogestraat as saying, Here, youre in total control, which one is,

McLean-Smits 27 and this is what makes it appealing. Users can avoid reality for this fantasy because they can spend as much time as they want with the idealized version of themselves and do all they things they would ideally do but feel that they cannot because of the restrictions of reality. There are a lot of negatives in DMRs and having digital technologies in relationships. They are focused on quite often in studies. As seen in the Hoogestraat case, Mr. Hoogestraats addiction, and it really is an addiction because playing video games triggers the addiction center of the brain (Stanford University Medical Center), is detrimental to the relationship he maintains with his wife. He crosses the line of fidelity when he spends more time online with his Second Life wife than with his real one. Narcissistic behaviour in itself is negative because it can cause a person to hide away in fantasy, like Mr. Hoogestraat, and it limits people who are trying to make new relationships. Although, everyone needs to have a healthy amount of narcissism in order to survive, these mediums, like online-dating, LBDA, and RPGs, fuel the narcissism that exists and makes people feel self-entitled which create behaviour that is unacceptable in their in-person relationships. Narcissistic personality disorder causes people a lot of grief and can create problems in in-person relationships. Sometimes the behaviour can

McLean-Smits 28 come out in violent and aggressive ways (Namka). People are exchanging in person relationships for DMRs more and more often. In some cases they are giving up human interaction because of their social anxieties. If people are ignoring the social anxieties that they have in the real world and escaping to the online world to avoid them, then this is a problem. It is easy to run away from things that bother an individual so it inherently supports conflict avoidance and makes people feel that they are entitled to avoid conflict. Namka states, True intimacy and a lasting partnership require the skills of dealing with conflict, but since conflicts can be avoided so easily online, perhaps this means that DMRs cannot last. Can this cross over into the real world over time? More research would need to be done. One the other hand, maybe this narcissism can be healthy. It can make people with low self-esteem more confident. It can make long-distance relationships easier. Stefana Broadbent makes the case that digital technologies that keep us connected throughout the day can foster a deeper intimacy with friends and families that carries into the real world. In the end, how people interact with each other is evolving and the systems in place right now to help people are not caught up. People need to be more aware about how their behaviour changes online and how it affects the people around them in the real world.

McLean-Smits 29

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