Love Getting To The Heart of It With Tom Stone (Episode 43) Wired For Success TV

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Wired for Success TV

Mastering the 7 Areas of Life
www.wiredforsuccess.tv Presented by
Melanie Gabriel & Beryl Thomas
[Episode 43] Love? Getting to the Heart of it with Tom Stone
Love? Getting to the Heart of it with Tom Stone [Episode 43] Wired For Success TV [0:00:12] Melanie: Hello and welcome to another episode of http://www.wiredforsuccess.tv. Im Mel Gabriel and with me is my co-host, Beryl Thomas. Say hello, Beryl. Beryl: Hello, everyone. Melanie: And we have the pleasure of welcoming back, Tom Stone. Say hi, Tom. Tom: Hi, everyone. Melanie: Now folks, if you have no idea who Tom is, then stop this recording right now and head back to episode 38 and have a good listen. Even if you only listen for the 15 or 20 minutes, youve got to do this now. You will gain a fascinating peek into the amazing technology that hes pioneered that will completely eradicate anxiety, depression, seemingly incurable illnesses and life-crippling issues that stop us creating success in every area of our life. I know this sounds like a huge claim to make but I can tell you, Ive used Toms technology for some ten or more years with unbelievable success. For example, I worked with people who have been set aside by the system as being beyond help and even using really advanced hypnotic techniques, it used to take me up to a year to help these people get back to some sort of normality. Now, after discovering Toms techniques, the time I spend with these people is reduced to just a quarter, weeks sometimes of working with these people to get the same results. There is such a wealth of information that Tom could share with us that we could easily run interviews with him for a year. But for now, were going to focus on how we can bring our relationships back into balance and especially how we can see off crippling emotions like hearth break or resentments that eat away at us like a cancer.
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One thing Id like to make clear is that although we were probably focused on intimate relationships, what we will describe is a template for every other type of relationship you have in your life from your business relationships to the relationship with yourself, from your relationship with money to your relationship with authority, from your relationship with your body and your health and lifestyle to your understanding of who you are and the contribution you make in the world. And I could go on. But lets get Tom to enlighten us on how we can become more emotionally mature in our relationships and release fear and anxiety that clouds our thinking if when nothing elses work. So Tom, its really great to have you back. But cutting to the chase Tom: Thanks for having me back. Melanie: Were delighted. Now Tom, theres a lot of juice we want to squeeze out of you for our audience today. So, please Tom: Squeeze away. Melanie: please define for us exactly what a healthy relationship is because I suspect that very few of us have even considered that were living in dysfunctional relationships because large weve known nothing else or worse, were surrounded by other dysfunctional relationships and we assume that this is the norm. I remember having the experience of in fact, it was right about the time I met you. I was with a boyfriend and we admitted to each other that we werent happy with the relationship and when I wanted to change it and especially when I started working with you, I started to change. And he thought I was unreasonable because his mother was unhappy, his mother and father were unhappy, his sister and her husband were unhappy, the dog was unhappy, the budget was unhappy. What was my problem? So what should a mature relationship, a healthy relationship, an extraordinary relationship look like? Tom: Well, youre certainly right that the vast majority of people are living inside a whole batch of patterns of conditioning that caused them to live a
life that they think is normal but is absolutely subnormal and they are unconscious of that fact. So its a great way to start actually. I do have a little list in Ive written a book actually called Extraordinary Relationships and in it I have a list of characteristics that I feel are some of the primary characteristics of extraordinary relationship. The first one is a deep sense of ease and appreciation. No need no feeling of a need to change the other person in any way. Resentment-free. Has all the qualities you really want that means that youre not settling for being someone that you dont really want to be with. It includes both intimacy and independence. Most people dont even have the possibility of thinking that those two characteristics could be simultaneously present in a relationship but they certainly can. Has an optimal environment for mutual growth. One of the powerful things about a good relationship is it tends to be almost like an advanced spiritual practice. When youre in a relationship with someone that really knows you deeply, you get opportunities to have your remaining stuff that you need to deal with get pushed to the surface by virtue of the relationship so that you get to deal with them. And as long as youre not saying, Oh, thats your problem, as long as you can learn how to see it as a mirror and take that as an opportunity that youre getting access to something in you that needs to grow then the relationship can serve as this powerful phenomenon for your evolution and your growth. So having the optimal environment for mutual growth is really good and having each person understand that thats an intrinsic part of the relationship. Also, having it be fun and fulfilling, having a deep appreciation of differences also kind of goes along with the one of not wanting to change a person. And the last but certainly not the least, its got to have a great lovemaking. Its an essential part of a really good relationship. There are more but I would say those are some of the highlight points of a really extraordinary relationship.
Melanie: So essentially, were saying that when people forget that, theyre really on a slippery slope to I suppose it doesnt become a relationship. It becomes more of a warzone really. Tom: Unfortunately, this is quite common. Melanie: So the programs that you do around helping people out of this, what are the OK. So we know that thats behind it, youve just described the things that need to be present. But people get people seem to in spite of sort of knowing this, people seem to get really bent out of shape when they come into relationship with each other. And they will end up putting up with the very thing that is clear to them that it is making the thing worse, thats shooting them in the forehead, OK? I suppose what Im saying is, people can become so involved in their dysfunctional relationships that they dont really know. They dont really know that theyre being dysfunctional. How do we go about drawing their attention to this? Tom: Thats a great question. Its certainly true that the vast majority of people are living their lives as the product of their conditioning. And of course, the most powerful conditioning we get is our family of origin. We grew up in a household where the parents are fighting or there are all kinds of resentments. There are all kinds of attempting for everybody to change everybody else. There are all kinds of manipulation and control and all kinds of different dysfunctional things. And most people grew up in an environment like that and they think that like were saying really. They think thats normal. And I would say, its common place but its certainly not normal. Its absolutely subnormal. But its so common place and people because you grew up in a you get this feeling of, Well, thats just how life is and you just have to live with that. And so, there is a tendency to have a kind of identification with things staying the same. We could call it a kind of resistance to change because at least its familiar. And the familiarity provides a kind of sense of stability and comfort in a strange sort of way even though its a miserable comfort. At least, its the same.
And so, whats needed in situations like this is we need to have a kind of an interrupt. We need a method of being able to sort of break in to that status quo. And you actually have to rock the boat a little bit. And what you have to do is have a conversation with a person like this or with a group, whatever it is, and really say, Lets do a little self-assessment here. And do a reality check on how good your relationship actually is and whether its really actually really satisfactory to you or not. So, you have to kind of make the unconscious conscious. You have to get some recognition that the person is living, that theyre settling for a life thats far less than they could be having. And they dont know they could be having it different because its just unfamiliar. So, youre absolutely right. And in my field called the Human Software Engineering, we have something called an Enrollment Conversation. An Enrollment Conversation is exactly this. Its talking about getting the person to recognize whats not working and what its costing them to have it not work. And when they get what its costing them and therein starts to develop a little bit more of a sense of urgency that theres a need to change things that they can actually have the life that they want. So its a process of making the unconscious, deeply conditioned patterns that are so familiar, making conscious how incredibly limiting and even damaging that is to your life and how its really preventing you from having the life that you really want. Melanie: Tell me about damaging to life. You put me in mind of an 82-yearold man who after 60 years of marriage killed his wife. She nagged him once too often. Tom: Oops! Im sorry to laugh but it was funny. Melanie: And the thing is he got away with it because it was a crime of passion. So I suppose thats a cause we need to be mindful of. Tom: He wont get away from the karmic result of that for sure even if the judge ruled it off. This is the antithesis of resentment-free I can tell you. Melanie: Go on, Beryl.
Beryl: I wanted to talk to you about the subject of jealousy because thats another crime of passion. It can be jealousy. Can you just talk a little bit about why jealousy comes up in relationships, Tom particularly maybe at the early days when people are feeling a bit insecure about the relationship? Tom: Yeah, its actually that insecurity thats really at the bases of that jealousy reaction. Jealousy is a kind of reactive emotion. It happens because we have a certain expectation that our partner or boyfriend or girlfriend or whatever should be of certain way. And that they should give all their attention to us and not give it to anybody else. And we develop these expectations. The expectations are stories were making up in our mind of how we think it should be. This comes out of the sort of Cinderella syndrome. We got this notion of how we think that life should be and we expect it to be like that and we expect our partner to be like that. Well, good luck. Its very uncommon to have a prince charming who meets all your criteria especially if you havent become princess charming yourself in your own criteria. In fact in my book, I talk about that the way to get the ideal partner is to become that person yourself so that you have a congruence with that which you want to attract. So cleaning up your own inner life is really the foundation for being able to attract the kind of partner you want. But back to the jealousy, the jealousy is a reaction to an unmet expectation. And that is, you expect the person to behave a certain way. And they are putting too much interest in somebody else or in some fashion and your reaction is to be upset that theyre not meeting your expectation. The interesting thing about this is that the upset and the jealousy are reactions that are created inside of you to a story about how thing should be that it doesnt exist anywhere other than in your mind. But the problem is that intellectually understanding that doesnt stop you from doing it. You still do it because the reaction to the unmet expectation and the jealousy as an expression of that is a learned behavior. Its a conditioned response. Its not something thats coming out of your knowing but its coming out of a reaction to a story that youve been making up.
So the way out is to extract you from the energy field of the upset over your expectation not getting met. And when you do that then the jealousy is gone. Beryl: Because again, its conditioning, isnt it? I can remember you talking about that. One of my close school friends and she used to read all those romantic novels that we called Mills & Boons. I dont know if they still have them. But she spent her teenage years reading those avidly. I can see them all lined up on her window sill now. And when she got into relationships Tom: She was expecting that. Beryl: Yes, exactly. She was expecting Clark Gable to come flying in. And it didnt [indiscernible] [0:15:34] it just didnt happen. And she spent, I can remember her saying, she went through a few relationships before she had to wake up to this whole romantic notion was just something she bought into and real relationships were never going to be like that. Tom: Yeah. Everybody needs a little awakening, sometimes a rude awakening. Beryl: So Tom, do we have to go through that process? Do we have to kind of learn by own experience? Is there a shortcut? I think Ive got young men as sons, is there a way they dont have to go through this broken heart syndrome? Tom: What Ive noticed happens a lot with people on relationships is that you tend to be attracted to people who have in them the same the issues, unresolved issues that you had with your parents. So in my book, I have a chapter called Stop Dating Your Parents. Because what happens is that people tend to be attracted to their unresolved emotional issues from childhood and so you attract someone who if you can fix them then youll finally get the love that you felt you didnt get when you were a kid, right? And so, you meet somebody and you have this buzz of attraction and it turns out that thats not love. Its the excitement over the possibility of fixing him so you can finally get the love you didnt get. Beryl: How fascinating that really is.
Tom: And so, there is tendency for people to keep dating their parents. They keep dating people with the same unresolved issues hoping to be able to fix it so that they can get what they want. So the real issue that needs to be fixed is fixing the problem in you of feeling like you didnt get the love that you want. And the moment you solve that problem, the moment you resolve the longing for that sense of being made complete by somebody else so you can really feel whole and complete within yourself, the moment you resolve that using the proper techniques, which we can do, then what happens is youre not attracted to people like that anymore. When you see people like that, Oh, no thanks. I dont need that. Because you dont need it anymore and what you thought needed before is not really what you needed, it was a longing for a sense of being made whole. And so, the real answer is to resolve the inner issues that caused you to feel not whole. So if you can feel whole and complete then youre really a potential great partner for somebody else. And thats the kind of partner you want too is somebody whos self-sufficient, whole, and complete. Theres no feeling of you know what its like, Beryl. When you are in a relationship with a needy person, what its like? Theyre taking your energy. Its terrible. It feels like theyre draining. Whenever somebody has that neediness, its like an insatiable black hole. Theres no amount of love, attention, anything that you could give them that would every satisfy that. And thats why it goes on and on and on and continues to be miserable. What you were talking about, Mel, exactly that. And so, the need is the resolution of the problem at its origin which is inside of you. Melanie: And the interesting thing sorry Beryl. I was going to say hold on that thought, the interesting thing is the resolution can be so quaint because this isnt about therapy or about analyzing or manipulating or fixing anything. And my memories that the first time I met Tom, I cant even remember what the problem was but I do remember it took all of seven minutes. And it was the catalyst to me coming out of my relationship. Tom: Yeah.
Melanie: I just suddenly didnt need it anymore. Tom: You needed to. Yeah. Absolutely. Melanie: Sorry Beryl. Go on. Continue. Beryl: Well, it does explain why you see other people because we each do it but if you see in other people clearer than you can see in yourself. And you say, Why did I always go for that kind of person? Tom: Exactly that. Yeah, that explains that point. Beryl: So theyre just going from pillar to post still looking to fix that thing. Tom: Yeah. In a way, what theyre looking for is opportunities for their own development. And it is an opportunity. It is an opportunity for them. But most people dont have the skill or the knowledge of how to take advantage of that opportunity and actually get the growth out of it. Much better is to go through a very conscious process of resolving the kind of drivers of these behaviors or this kind of decisions to get into relationships like that. Resolve that inside yourself and then you have no attraction to that kind of thing anymore because it was all fallacious to begin with. Melanie: Youre saying is reminding me of another grim tale, Tom. So I suppose its a solicitor and Im thinking, Oh, so hes acting out what youre saying. It was a solicitor who couldnt bear the loss of a third divorce because it meant sort of having to split the soils again so he killed his wife. So hed been acting all this up from what youre saying until he got to the point where I suppose he couldnt see any way of it interfered with whatever he was attached to. Hes obviously looking for completion in these because this was in the space of five years that he had three divorces so he was clearly looking for completion in these people. Tom: Yeah. Melanie: And of course, it starts to interfere with what hes attached to so he kills them killed the third one anyway. Tom: This actually brings out the very important point. As you well know, Ive launched a global campaign for emotional competence. And the reason
that Ive done that is that I found that these techniques that we teach in Human Software Engineering, my field, these Pure Awareness Techniques are so incredibly effective as you both experienced in resolving these kind of what we call not useful emotions like jealousy and resentment and rejection and heart break and longing to be complete and all these kinds of things. Resolves them so thoroughly that they the person just is not operating as a victim of their emotions and its really clear from examples like the one that you just gave, that the problems of our society not to mention everybodys personal life, but the problems of our society like crime, addiction, relationship problems, work problems, productivity problems, all these problems that we have in our society are grounded in peoples inability to resolve their not useful emotions. Theyre grounded in peoples emotional incompetence. So the biggest disease on our planet at the moment is emotional incompetence. And its at the root of all the problems in relationships, every single one of them. And so, to be able to resolve ones own inner emotional problems, to clean up on someones inner emotional landscape is really the most important fundamental thing that one can do not only for ones relationships but for ones contribution to being someone contributing a peaceful integrated person into the world. So, this is why Im teaching seminars all over the place, training teachers to teach Emotional Mastery seminars, Free to Succeed seminars, these are all seminars in teaching people these fundamental techniques to gain emotional competence so that they can actually utilize this technology to not only enrich their relationship but their work life, their professional life, every aspect, financial life, every aspect of life. Beryl: Its interesting you well, its always interesting what you say, Tom. But when Im listening to you, I realized that we all have some stuckness and it might be weight loss, it might be relationships, business, we all have some stuckness. Most of us have some stuckness. And what youre really saying is clear that stuckness and you will have it will have a ripple effect through the rest of your life. You dont need to then go through I mean we talked about in Wired for Success mastering the seven areas of life. But in truth, you master the area thats your most stuck area and it changes your relationship with all those other things.
Tom: Sure. Youve had the experience Im sure many times that you changed something about yourself and your whole world changes. Beryl: Yeah. Tom: I mean other people show up differently because you changed yourself. Beryl: And that actually makes me think, this is just kind of flying off the top of my head right now, about being in love, lets say, that kind of romantic being in love. And when were in that in love stage which doesnt last long but we feel that we can conquer the world, dont we? We feel like anything is possible. And everyone says, God, you look so fantastic. And what Im hearing from you was actually once we learn to be in love with ourselves and I know to some, that might sound a bit narcissistic but you know what Im saying, to actually accept and be in a great relationship with ourselves then we can have that kind of being in love with life and with everything, cant we? It doesnt have to depend on another person the way they behave and its going to die we can have this on an ongoing basis. Tom: Wouldnt you like to have a partner who is like that? Beryl: Now, youre talking. Tom: You know the way to attract one is become that person because then youll have a resonance with the same kind of person showing up. So all you have to do is cleanup your own inner emotional landscape, gain a sense of self-sufficiency, independence, self-love. Theres only one kind of love. Its called unconditional. Everything else that has a condition isnt love. Its a need. It has nothing to do with love actually. Love is something that is only unconditional and truly unconditional. I mean you can love someone and not be with them or you can love someone and be with them. Being with them is not the issue. The love is either unconditional or its not. And if its not, its not love even. Its need. So, one of the central, what we call Core Dynamics in Human Software Engineering model, we have a model called the Core Dynamics of Human
Conditioning, and one of them is mistaking need for love which most people do. Most people have no clue what love actually is. They know what infatuation is which is what youre talking about, that early stage of a relationship. But the reason it degrades is because that cant sustain itself on a background of the clutter of all your inner emotional garbage. If you have that emotional baggage inside and you dont clean it up, youre going to default to your condition reactions that are based on that. Youre going to develop resentments, jealousies. If you really got it bad, like this attorney, youre going to kill somebody. This is what we need to stop. We need to stop it. And its so simple. These problems are due to emotional incompetence. And we now have a technology for being able to change that. Beryl: But you see and I agree with you. But relationships can be like addictions. And OK, so lets talk about lust. Lust can be an addiction. And its difficult sometimes to differentiate between lust and love and you only know what it is when the lust kind of disappears. So its really thats kind of an addiction, isnt it? And its a physical addiction because certain hormones of course, are pumping out. Can you talk about that? Tom: Absolutely. The thing about addiction is that all addictions are forms of attempting to self-medicate. And what youre self-medicating against is some old unresolved emotional pain. And so, you do something in order for it not have to be present. One of the Core Dynamics is called Avoiding the Present. And whenever that one is the issue, it means there are some deep old emotional pain that you dont want to feel so you do something to distract yourself so you dont have to feel it whether youre absorbed in stories about the past or future, some anxiety or some euphoric recall or whatever it is or whether its a substance addiction or whether its sex addiction or lust addiction or relationship addiction. I mean there are so many addictions, I mean unless youre thoroughly enlightened, youre addicted. And everybody has their addictions because everybody has a database of all painful emotional experiences from avoiding dealing with them all their life. And the reason people avoid dealing with them is they have this deep conditioning to resist feeling things fully because when were little, we all get emotionally overwhelmed.
Nobody likes it. And so, we become feeling avoidant. Its a human deeply human conditioned thing that we all have. Now, most people think this is innately human. Its not innately human. Its deeply conditioned. And thats a really important distinction because we can resolve that and allow ourselves to actually be able to feel fully. And when you learn the Pure Awareness Techniques, when you learn how to resolve these deep, intense emotional traumatic experiences, you can resolve them like you resolved one on our first call, that whole thing you had with your eye. You had some trauma in there. And then five, ten minutes it was gone. And now its gone, right? Beryl: Yeah, it hasnt come back. Tom: Its gone and it doesnt come back which is incredible. So, if you have some deep emotional pain and youre using any behavior or substance to avoid feeling it, to avoid being present. You see, if you dont use the substance and youre present then the unresolved pain is going to push its way to the surface and demand to be felt and completed because the body wants to be free of it. The body is going to try and push it out just like if you get a splinter in your finger, the body pushes it out. And when you have deep emotional pain, its the same thing. The body wants to push it out but we keep suppressing it because of our conditioning. So when we learn how to do the opposite of what youre deeply conditioned to do and you learn how to resolve those deep traumas and emotional pains, the foundation of addiction goes away and you dont have to do that addictive behavior to avoid the pain because the pain is gone. Wow! Beryl: OK. So this is reminding me of something that just a few days ago, the three of us did a healing session as you recall. And you helped me clear some stuff about running stories in my head because Ive always been extremely good at that. Ive had more stories than Grimms Fairy Tales I have. And I would run these stories about how life could be and they were escapism for me. And its something I learned very early on. Tom: Yeah, its a form of addiction actually. Beryl: Indeed. And I spent that night, after you did that, awake most of the night looking for these stories, looking for my storybook. And it was weird
because I couldnt find them. It didnt feel like I needed them either but and there was a very benevolent voice in my head saying, Why are you doing that? You dont need to see that. Now interesting, what just Ive realized is there was one story that I used to run that because of the nature of the story, I felt I needed to be physically bigger than I used to be. OK? I wont bore you with the detail of why or they juiciness of why but I felt I needed to be physically bigger. And after you did that session with me, I tried to run that story and it wouldnt run. It just wouldnt run. And whats happened since in these few days is Ive lost four pounds. And Ive only just realized that in you talking but so here we are with this kind and people think weight loss is just about going to the gym and eating. Of course, it is. But there can be this emotional and it was a very strong story for me. No doubt about it. It was very strong story. And I realized it doesnt run anymore. Tom: There are all kinds of incredibly positive side effects to cleaning up your inner emotional landscape. Theres no question about that. Its one of the most worthwhile things you can do in your whole life. Beryl: Profound. Melanie: So, this makes me think, Tom, and perhaps for the listening audience, you can sort of expand on this a bit because its not uncommon for people to start clearing up issues around relationships and then suddenly realized that all the money struggles that theyve been having vanished with this as well, clearing that up. Do you want to comment on that? Tom: Well, pretty much any marketing you look at anywhere, the two issues that people bring up are sex and money. And this is because these two areas are so central to everybodys life that the conditioning that we have especially from our families of origin but just from everything, from TV, from just living in the world, were inundated with conditioning regarding these two areas of our life. And so, in many cases theres a lot of overlap in those two areas. When you clean up something in one area, just as this weight issue that Beryl just
mentioned, the weight was dropping away as in just an unknown side effect of cleaning up something else. And so, this is one of the great things about Human Software Engineering is when you run the human antivirus software, it stops corrupting all kinds of files. Melanie: Yeah. Tom: Its nice because there are all kinds of perks and bonuses to cleaning up one issue. You get residual effects in other areas that are all positive. So yeah, its definitely worthwhile to learn how to do this. To stay in clueless emotional incompetence, we want this to become not an option in the world anymore. Melanie: So this process is so clean. Its so simple, Tom that even other fellow colleagues who do sort of work to facilitate other people rather than having a look and exploring it, they tend to get suspicious and think about it as [indiscernible] [0:34:47]. Why is it you think people get so frightened of something thats a) so simple and b) is so capable of freeing you? Tom: Well, its a threat to the status quo that they have. People become very much identified with what they are familiar with like were talking before. And when someone has a way of working and it kind of works and its not giving them a livelihood and all that, its very easy for them to become quite identified with that. It becomes part of their self-definition. And so, one of the other Core Dynamics is called Excluding Other Perspectives, and this is where prejudice and bigotry and 9/11 and religious wars and stuff like that live. And this is where people are so identified with a particular way of seeing the world that they cant be opened to anything else because it would disrupt their sense of self so much to do that that its just too terrifying to do that. I mean imagine somebody living in an Islamic country and deciding to become a Born Again Christian. I mean youd be in real trouble. Its not going to work. So when identification with a particular way of being is really, really strong, that produces one of the most uncoachable situations because that person is not going to come for getting some change in their life. They dont want change in their life. This is the epitome of resistance to change is total identification with the way you see things.
So for a lot of people in the therapeutic community, theyve learned to work in a certain way and when they work in that way, they feel comfortable with that. Thats what theyve learned. And to have the notion that there could be something that would be infinitely better that would give them far better results in a much shorter time, the only people that are going to be open to that are the ones who are feeling a sense of lack in the efficacy of what theyre doing and actually want something new. But the people who are too identified with the way things are and they dont want to rock the boat, theyre going to resist change and theyll have that kind of resistance that you talked about. So thats the mechanism underneath of why that happens. Its kind of fascinating to explore. This model of the Core Dynamics of Human Conditioning is really quite extraordinary. Ive developed it over many, many years by making an inquiry as to, is there something deeper? Is there something more fundamental to the cause of some of these problems? I had this dedication to getting to the real most fundamental underlying cause of what keeps people in their problems. And I was extremely fortunate to have these whole series of insights about the nature of our conditioning, mainly our preverbal conditioning. And these insights shed incredible light on why people operate inside these clueless conditioned ways of being completely not getting it that theyre living a life of incredible limitation. But just living inside of that and thats where they are. So conditioning is not good or bad. Conditioning is just how we learn to do things without having to think about them. When we first try and tie our shoes, we cant do it. And when we get to we can do it, then we can at first, we have to really think about it. When we keep doing and doing and doing and practicing and practicing and pretty soon in time you just have the intention to tie your shoes and it just gets tied and we dont even notice. So like that, any conditioned way of being that we have as a human being whether its playing the piano, riding a bike, avoiding your emotional pain, looking for a sense of completion from somebody else, these are all deeply conditioned ways of being . And we dont think about them. We just operate inside of them being incredibly limited by them.
So conditioning in itself is not good or bad. But when were conditioned in ways of being that dont service, we want to become conscious of them again and we want to be able to do something about them so we dont have to live inside the severe limitations that are keeping us really from having the life we truly want. Beryl: What I want to say is sorry Melanie. Melanie: No, carry on, carry on. Beryl: I dont know how you go on living your life as you do, Tom. I say that because it must be you must meet people all the time where you see the patterns that theyre playing out and how do you stop I mean it must be hugely frustrating for you to know that they could clear their stuff so easily if they just recognized that. Tom: Well actually, I debug myself for frustrations so it doesnt bother me. Beryl: I say that because having done some work with you now and felt the changes, I have seemed to be very highly tuned now to, and maybe theyre just showing up to show me this, around people who have bought into their stories so rigidly. And its happening everywhere. Its very prevalent in things like the scientific community. They cant take on new beliefs because it threatens their identity. Tom: Exactly. Beryl: And everything that they bought into. If they buy into a new idea, who are they? Theyve written a book on the subject. They gave lectures on the subject. Theyre a speaker. Who are they if theyre no longer that person? Tom: Exactly. Beryl: If they let go of that. And this is endemic in society, isnt it? Tom: Well, to answer your earlier question, the reason that its not frustrating to me to do this work actually, its energizing and wonderful and gratifying is because I do see peoples problems without question. When you learn the Core Dynamics model and you clean up your own stuff, you
see all of that. But you also get to the point rather quickly actually where you see past that into the essence of the person. And you experience the wholeness thats truly there and you can see that all these other things are just little sort of blotches on the surface. And when you have the technology to clean them up, you just say to them, Hey, come on. Youre more than who you think you are. Come on. Lets clean this stuff up so you can live the reality of what you truly are. Come on. And then you do that. And so, its actually incredibly fulfilling because you helped the person see what you can see which is beyond their limitations to their wholeness. There are wholenesss infinite potential, infinite potential. But its blocked by all these not useful emotions. And now, we have the technology to resolve them very quickly, very thoroughly, very permanently. And thats incredible. I mean this is not a trivial development. This is a major advancement for the fields of personal development, professional development, spiritual development for that matter. Beryl: Yeah. Tom: These techniques are not superficial. This is a major breakthrough. Beryl: And when you mentioned spiritual there, spirituality is becoming a hot topic. And people I think get confused about what spirituality is. But its exactly what youre talking about. Its becoming your amazingness, your greatness. And this is relatively new to me to have this kind of feelings and it does feel incredible. But as you say, people have never had even a tiny little bit of that, theyve never had that kind of tiny bit of connection with themselves or theyve tried so many other things to get there which I did. You can start to think, Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, Ive tried so many things. I dont want to buy into this. Because there is this that youre afraid of wanting it. Youre afraid of wanting it and being disappointed and being just going back into your space or not being able to fix that bit that other people say, Well, youre doing it to yourself. People are being ill. Well, youve created that. Theres something that made you create it which is very unfair on people I feel. Tom: I use the term spiritual development very cautiously because the moment you use this word, you get a thousand different interpretations of what that means. But to address the issue that youre talking about which is
to trying things that dont work. One of the unfortunate things in the spiritual development world is that there are great many techniques that are created by people who read something in the spiritual literature and misinterpret it and then build a whole process of attempting to use that misinterpretation as a means of gaining a spiritual experience. For example, in many of the spiritual traditions, there are statements like innovative tradition which Im familiar with, there was a statement in some of the literature that says, in the state of enlightenment or in the state of Samadhi or in the state of pure awareness, there are no desires. And its true that when youre in the experience of pure awareness, theres nothing there. Its just pure awareness. There was no desire. So its just a description of the state. But somebody who is not very enlightened, reading that says, Oh, I have to get rid of desires then Ill be in the state of enlightenment. And what theyre doing is theyre mistaking a description of the ends as a means. And so, all kinds of us, theory practices and renunciation and all kinds of stuff is being done by people who have no business doing that in the thought, in the attempt that this is going to bring about some kind of an enlightenment only to have a life of unfulfilling not fulfilling their physical desires and not actually having it produced the enlightenment that they were looking for. And this is because theyre mistaking the ends for the means. And there are many, many, many techniques that are based on these kinds of misinterpretations. So people learn these things and they try them and they try them and they dont work. And the reason they dont work is theyre based on a mistaken notion about how the whole thing actually works. Beryl: And that screws your relationship with everything. Tom: It does, it does. Absolutely. Yeah. And you just live in a kind of frustration. So people who discover how to really do this correctly and properly, they are very fortunate actually. Beryl: OK. So now, Im thinking about relationships with business, were in times of economic difficulty and many people are struggling with their businesses. Is there stuff that we could clear in ourselves that would help us in terms of business whatever the outside world is telling us about economic conditions?
Tom: I was going to jokingly say, no, its helpless. But just that we can laugh about that makes it really clear that its not. I mean obviously, when we have problems that appear to be in our environment, these are really just a manifestation of problems that are occurring inside of us. I mean youve heard me say a great many times and if you hang around me, you will hear it hundreds of times that in every situation, there are always two fundamental things. There is the circumstances and there is our reaction to the circumstances. Many times, we cant do anything about the circumstances, sometimes we can. But we certainly cant do anything about the circumstances if were all wrapped in some emotionally reactive pattern about it. If were in anxiety or depression or upset or frustration or anger, were not present to be able to deal with whatever there is that needs to be dealt with. I mean if youre in an economic crisis situation which weve all been through in these last years, you have to retool. You have to come up with some new creative way of meeting peoples new needs and desires that werent there before. And when you do that adequately, then those are the people who thrive even in economically challenging times. But you cant even think like that if youre lost to your conditioned reactions. So, the people who stay stuck in the depression or the anxiety or whatever from it not working dont have the presence to be able to respond to the new needs of the moment. So again, the need is for emotional competence, upgrading emotional competence. Resolve the reactive emotions, resolve the old painful traumatic experiences from your house being taken or whatever happened and get over that. Now, you cant get over it just by deciding to get over it. When I say get over it, you need to get the resolution of the energy of these experiential residual things that are held in the body. If you dont deal with the energy, you can deal with it actually all day long and youll be in therapy for 20 years and not get a result. Beryl: So just talk a bit about the energy there because what I experienced when I do this work with you and now of course, I can do it on myself which is another great thing about what you teach, its empowering because I dont have to go running off and picking the phone up to other people, I can
just do it myself, what I feel physically is a lightness going through my body. Is there any way I can really describe it? It just feels like a ripple of nice feeling. Tom: Yeah. This is very common. Everyone feels a certain sense of lightness when they let go of these heavy emotional energies for sure. You see, you cant let go of them with the intellect. The thing about emotions is they have two things. They have content and they have energy. And were all familiar with people who have tried to resolve their emotional issues at a certain level of content and it doesnt look very well. What we want to do is we want to resolve the emotional issues at the heart of the matter. And the heart of the matter is the energy that gives the emotion life. And what youve experienced and what weve just talking about is that when the energy is gone, the whole thing flattens out and you could care less about the content. You dont care about the content when the energy is gone. It goes into history books. We can forget about it. And you can live your life. I mean we dont want to spend our life processing our stuff. We want something thats efficient. It gets the job done so we can enjoy being here and having a life. By the way, I wanted to mention, because one of the reasons weve decided to have this particular interview is I do have an introductory webinar on this topic of relationships coming up. Its going to be on February 19th which is coming up pretty quick here and its a webinar on resolving the fear and pain of rejection in dating and relationships. And its right after Valentines Day. So its a great Valentine gift to give to your sweetheart. Beryl: Or yourself. Tom: Or yourself, totally yourself. A loving thing to do for yourself. And I have a little I have a short little video, two and a half minute video about it that I will get you the link for and you can put it up with this interview and people can click on that. And take a look at the video and sign up for the webinar. Its only 20 bucks. You get to get rid of your old pain and fear of rejection and relationships and free up that part of it. And so, this is a low cost, wonderful introduction for people to this work. And I invite everyone to join me for that webinar coming up on the 19th.
Beryl: Its interesting that, isnt it? Because as Im listening you talked about rejection, I know people or the one person in particular who hasnt had a relationship for over 20 years because of too painful ones. Tom: Yup. Beryl: And this person just kind of, OK. Lets shut up shop. Lets not do that again. Tom: Thats it. This is the perfect candidate for this webinar. Beryl: Its interesting, house animals, OK, because animals dont reject you in the way that people do. Tom: Yup. Beryl: They just love you unconditionally. Tom: Yup. Beryl: And I think of what people can miss out on. Tom: Yeah. Actually, when you get stuck in the place of fearing that you will push up against that old painful rejection energy thats still inside of you then you dont want to go try it again because youre afraid its going to happen again. Youre afraid of two things. One is youre afraid of touching that old unresolved emotional pain that youve done a good job of suppressing. And youre also afraid of adding to the pile by having another rejection experience. And so, the solution to this is to resolve the energy of the old emotional pain from the rejection and also to resolve the energy of the projection of the possibility of it happening again. Thats exactly what were going to do in this webinar. Beryl: Yeah, thats a good one because you can feel that, yeah, well what if the whole thing happens again? And then theres a kind of self-fulfilling prophecy in that youre kind of looking for signs that, OK, the cracks are going to show. I knew this would happen. And you bring it into your life, didnt you?
Tom: Yeah. Beryl: OK. Tom: Youre going to keep attracting that until you resolve within yourself because the reason youre attracting it is your higher self, if you will, knows you need to heal this. And so, you will resonate with that attracting that into your life to get access to it to heal it. But most people dont know how to heal it. And so, its so precious and valuable to learn how to heal that so you can overcome it and resolve it and not be the victim of that anymore. Beryl: Thats going to be a good one. Tom: Im looking forward to it. It should be a lot of fun. Melanie: But I think its also worth saying that not only well obviously, when people go on this webinar, they are absolutely going to be blown away. But I think its worth also mentioning at this point, if they want to experience a whole two days of Tom, that in an upcoming event in April, were going to see Tom in action throughout a whole two days. Tom: It will also be in London. Melanie: Yeah. And well post more information about that. Beryl: Yeah, the 27th and 28th of April, Tom will be with us the whole weekend and there will be opportunity to have a little bit of one to one time with you for some people if we can organize that. Im sure we can organize that to really clear their stuff. And I highly recommend that, I have to say. OK. Well, I think probably we have to let you go, Tom. And Melanie: Well definitely get you back on another time on other topics. Beryl: Exactly. Go on. Sorry. Melanie: I was going to say, what would really be useful is for people to put their comments and indicate what other topics they want.
Beryl: Thats what Im going to say. Tom: Good idea because we get some feedback from your listeners of what theyd like us to address. We can give them some insight to help start to make whats unconscious about that problem conscious and thats the beginning of the process because once it becomes conscious now, we can begin to deal with it. When were stuck in the unconsciousness of it and just doing it, doing it, doing it without even realizing were doing it, the kneejerk conditioned response reaction, then we dont know that we dont know. When people know what theyre suffering from, they know that theyre struggling whether its in relationships or whether its finances or whether its health or whatever it is so yeah, it would be great to get some comments from people. And Id be delighted to come back and address the key salient points. That would be great. Melanie: So bearing in mind that people get used to being stuck in their problem and they live with it in silence, can you sort of just give us stimulate their imagination with some of the things that you do address and it might just fire up their imagination about things theyve just put up with and thought, Oh well, thats how life is. Some workshops. Tom: I think everybody has in their lives things that theyve tried to solve, problems that theyve tried to solve that just dont seem to be solvable. Like theyve tried all kinds of different techniques or modalities or practitioners or whatever to solve them and the cool thing about Human Software Engineering is that we specialize in solving the unsolvable. And the reason we can do that is because we have a whole new tool set, a whole set of tools and resources and ways of getting access to the true underlying bases of the issue, that Core Dynamics model I was mentioning. And then we have these incredible techniques called the Pure Awareness Techniques that actually resolve the essence of the energy that gives life to the problem. And when you resolve it that way, the whole problem becomes like a non issue. Its like what you experienced, Beryl. Its like it just cant access it anymore. Its just gone. And so, this is a new technology of consciousness. Its a new technology for resolving the unconscious inner barriers that people have. Its worth learning all about it. Its worth actually becoming really good at it. And I
really want to extend the invitation to people who do learn it to become a teacher of it. I mean we need thousands of teachers to train people on upgrading their emotional competence. This is the global campaign for emotional competence. Whoa! It moves me to say that actually. We have an opportunity to make some incredible changes in the world with this technology. So if this turns you on, if you resonate with that, get involve. Melanie: Excellent. Beryl: So Tom, we will put links under here to under this interview to let people know how to get in touch with you. But please, just tell us what your website is right now. Tom: The website that were just building, new one, is called EvolveExpress.com. And its still under construction but theres a lot of information there. I also have a website called HumanSoftwareEngineering.com. And there is an article on what is Human Software Engineering and it goes into great detail on all these different things, the Core Dynamics model, the levels of life, the nature of emotions, the Pure Awareness Techniques, the WaveMaker technology, which we havent even talked about. We have all kinds of ways of debugging and upgrading in our human software and theres a lot of information there. I also have a blog at InnerHumanSoftware.com. So those are three key sites. We have others but those are good ones. Beryl: And of course, we have episode 38, which is our first episode with you so people can go back and get more of you there. Tom: That was a fun interview. Beryl: Yeah, it was great. Melanie: Before we wrap up Beryl, I think it would be great if one of the we have another interview sometime in the future with Tom where were going to talk about WaveMaker because thats an amazing piece of equipment that there are others similar to it but they dont its the way its used and its an amazing eye-opener.
Tom: Id be delighted to do an interview with you about that. It is a wonderful technology. I got involved with it because I used to have terrible hay fever analogies and with an earlier version of the technology, the older version, I had a handful of sessions and it just wiped them out. They were completely gone. And I tried everything. I tried acupuncture, [indiscernible] [0:59:12], NEAT, blah, blah, blah, conventional allergy therapy, nothing have ever worked for me. And this just wiped them out. So I got so interested. I came to Europe for the first times back in 97, negotiated the distribution rights for the leading device at the time and got to come over to Europe and study with the leading people for several years. Its a fascinating area, the area of how to change these subtle electromagnetic fields that mess up our functioning. Its another form of debugging our inner human software. Yeah, I would love to talk about that. Melanie: Yeah. Beryl: We have a long list of things for you to address, Tom. Thats for sure. All right. Tom: I like your idea Mel of maybe we do a monthly column or something. Beryl: Yeah, yeah, because the other thing that we havent touched on right now is the ADHD, the ADD issue that I know you have a great and Im going to put my son in front of you when you get to London. Tom: Absolutely. Beryl: Sort him out on that one. So he sits down for more than five minutes. OK. So thank you everyone for tuning in to todays episode of Wired for Success TV. We just like to mention before we wrap up, if you are watching this on our site then please comment in the box below because Tom has already said, he would love to come along and address your issues and again, ideas for new topics for Tom. Theres so much we could work with.
If youre watching us on YouTube then right above our head here, theres a button. If you hit it, you subscribe and you get loads of more great information from us. If youre on iTunes listening to our podcast then please subscribe to our podcast and feel free to write a review there. If youre watching this on any kind of social media, then please feel free to share it with all of your friends. Were Wired for Success TV at Facebook and on Twitter. https://www.facebook.com/WiredForSuccesstv https://twitter.com/WiredSuccessTV Lastly, wherever youre listening to this episode from, if you havent done so already, please just shoot over to our main site http://www.wiredforsuccess.tv and join our newsletter for updates and content by adding your name and email. If you head over there, there will be a transcript of this episode too. We reply to all comments and suggestions and we would love to hear from you. So thank you for tuning in. Remember to tune in for the next episode of Wired for Success where we help you to master the seven areas of life. So from me Beryl and my co-host Melanie and from our interviewee Tom, we bid you farewell and next time. So, if you would like to say good-bye.
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Love Getting To The Heart of It With Tom Stone (Episode 43) Wired For Success TV

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Love Getting To The Heart of It With Tom Stone (Episode 43) Wired For Success TV

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Wired for Success TV

[Episode 43] Love? Getting to the Heart of it with Tom Stone

Copyright: Wired For Success TV 2013

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